“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))
Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.
Augmented reality: A step in the process of turning us all into compliant cyborgs.
Beelzebug, noun: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three o’clock in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Benign, adjective: What you be after you be eight.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy.
Brouhaha: A jolly tea party.
Buffet: A French word meaning ‘get up and get it yourself.’
Buoyant: A young male ant.
“Buzzwords: How bees talk to each other.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Cackleberry: A hen’s egg.
“Cat: A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.” -Oliver Herford (1863 - 1935)
“Christmas is sleeping with one eye shut while the other eye watches for Santa Claus.” -Charles Schulz (Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz (1922 - 2000))
“Circular Definition: See Circular Definition.” -Author Unknown
Cobweb site: A website that has not been updated for a long time.
Colander, noun: Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
Compromise: An agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Computer chip: Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while working at a computer.
Correctional facility: Rent-free public housing for law-breakers, who are thought to benefit from confinement in each other’s company.
Courage: The art of being the only one who knows you are scared to death.
Definition: What you are now reading. Daffynition: A wacky definition.
Democracy: A system of government in which people take the law into their own hands.
Denial: A river in Egypt.
Dentist: 1. A collector of old magazines. 2. A filling station attendant.
Detail: What’s on the end of a dog.
“Diplomat: A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but not her age.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963))
Doctor: 1. A type of medical device used in making diagnoses. 2. Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he or she actually knew.
Doohicky: A doo-dad or a whatchyamacallit.
Drawkcab: Backward spelled backward.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Ecnalubma (ek na lub’ ma), noun. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in rearview mirrors
Efficiency expert: Someone who waits to make up a foursome before going through a revolving door.
Elephant: A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner on one end and a rug-beater at the other.
“Exchequer: A playing piece from a checkers game that has left to join the chess set.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Farcical: A long bike race.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Forthwith: adverb. Derived from ‘for Thwith,’ originally meaning to be completed in time for Thwith, an ancient Druidic feast of no fixed date. Now used to refer to any unspecified moment in the future and hence to completion of any task for which it would be unwise to provide a deadline.
Forum: Two-um plus two-um.
Fossil: An extinct animal; the older it is, the more extinct it is.
Fossil fuels: What dinosaurs used to run their cars.
Gardener: A plant manager.
Gazebo: A cross between a gazelle, a zebra, and a hippo.
Gihugeous: Really, really big.
Goad, verb: Past tense of go.
“Hammers: Manually-powered fastener-driving impact devices.” -Author Unknown: United States Pentagon
Happiness: What people can always find in the dictionary.
Hardware store: 1. Similar to a black hole in space if a husband goes in as he is not coming out anytime soon. 2. One of the rare shops in which women do not like to do shopping, and therefore, popular with men.
Harpist: A plucky musician
Hors d’oeuvres: A sandwich cut into twenty pieces.
Horsepower: Something that was much safer when only horses had it.
Hospital: A place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Human: A useful domestic animal that is popular with cats, dogs, and fleas.
Humor: God’s gift to humankind to compensate for the law of gravity.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Impeccable: What every bird keeper must be.
Intense: Where campers sleep.
Internet: The reason you are failing your classes.
“Junk is the stuff we throw away. Stuff is the junk we keep.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)
Laughingstock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
Lobster, noun: Someone who throws poorly.
“Locomotion: That crazy way you move.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Lollipops: Behavior modification reinforcers.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at statistics.
“A luncheon is a lunch that takes an eon.” -Judith ‘Miss Manners’ Martin (born 1938 as Judith Perlman): “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”
Magazine: A bunch of printed pages that tell you what is coming in the next issue.
Marsupials: Upials from Mars.
Meterology: The study of parking meters.
Metronome: A city-dwelling dwarf.
Mirage: A place where a ghost keeps its car.
Mistakes: Proof that you are trying - so go ahead and keep making mistakes.
Mommy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate.
“Obsessed is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.” -Author Unknown
Ow: The first word spoken by a child with older siblings.
Peekaboo: Hide-and-Seek for ghosts.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Predicament: When a woman does not want any more birthdays, but still wants the presents.
Prepone: To move forward in time; the opposite of postpone. Usage example: We are preponing tomorrow’s meeting by holding it today.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose or a proper gander; see also ‘impropaganda.’
Prophet: A person who foresees only doom and gloom and cannot be located when none of their predictions come true.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Public schools: A scheme for indoctrinating impressionable young minds with the ideology of political correctness, thereby creating the unthinking crazed zombie-like minions of Big Brother and his New World Order.
Quantum Physics: The dreams that stuff is made of.
Raisin: A worried grape.
Rectify: When you try to fix something, but end up wrecking it instead.
Relay: What chickens do when the farmer takes their eggs away.
Relief: What trees do in the Spring.
Sarcasm: Barbed ire.
Scandals: Footwear you should be ashamed of.
Seamstress: What occurs when 250 pounds of person are in a size 6 outfit.
Three-course meal: Two cookies and a glass of milk.
Shingle: Sean Connery’s definition of a bachelor.
Slander: To lie or tell the truth about someone.
Slippers: Footwear made from bananas.
Snicker: A small laugh.
Stick: A boomerang that does not come back.
Stucco: What you get when you step on gummo.
Subdued: A guy who works on submarines.
Synergy: 1 + 1 = 3.
Tablet, noun: A small table.
“Taxidermy: A skin condition caused by riding in taxis.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Thirteen o’clock: Time to get the clock fixed.
Top bunk: A bed where you should never put a child who is wearing Superman pajamas.
Traffic light: An apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
UFP: Unidentified Frying Pan. Usage example: The police report shows the would-be burglar appears to have been struck in the noggin by a UFP.
Vegetarian: 1. A bad fisherman. 2. A bad hunter.
Walkie-talkie: The opposite of a sittie-stillie.
Webmaster: A spider. Usage example: Watch out for that creepy-crawly webmaster!
Wok: A frugal person’s transportation.
Yours: Anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you.
Zenophobia: A persistent fear of convergent sequences.
You can create your own zany word meanings and perhaps redefine the world! We now return you to further lightness and enlightenment . . . on MFOL!