Make Fun Of Life!

September

9/4/2019

September

The golden-rod is yellow;
     The corn is turning brown;
The trees in apple orchards
     With fruit are bending down.

The gentian’s bluest fringes
     Are curling in the sun;
In dusty pods the milkweed
     Its hidden silk has spun.

The sedges flaunt their harvest,
     In every meadow nook;
And asters by the brook-side
     Make asters in the brook.

From dewy lanes at morning
     The grapes’ sweet odors rise;
At noon the roads all flutter
     With yellow butterflies.

By all these lovely tokens
     September days are here,
With Summer’s best of weather,
     And Autumn’s best of cheer.

But none of all this beauty
     Which floods the earth and air,
Is unto me the secret
     Which makes September fair.

’Tis a thing which I remember;
     To name it thrills me yet:
One day of one September
     I never can forget.

by Author Unknown

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Time

8/31/2019

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“If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.” -Michael S. Traylor

Beverly: How is getting up at 4:00 a.m. like a pig’s tail?
Kimberly: It’s twirly!

“Time is eternity begun.” -James Montgomery (1771 - 1854): “A Mother’s Love,” stanza 8, line 6; type of work: poem

Jonah: How many seconds are in a year?
Jonas: Twelve, starting with the second (2nd) of January.

“It is astonishing what a lot of odd minutes one can catch during the day, if one really sets about it.” -Dinah Maria Craik (born Dinah Maria Mulock (1826 - 1887))

Late

How did it get so late so soon?
     It’s night before it’s afternoon.
December is here before it’s June.
     My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?

by Doctor Seuss (pseudonym of Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991))

“Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.” -Harvey Mackay (Harvey B. Mackay (born 1932))

“If I could have time in a bottle, I’d make it a glass bottle. That way, I could see the dinosaurs.” -Dick Bowden

Why do the hours drag on endlessly, while the years seem to fly past?

There Was a Man

There was a man who never was.
     This tragedy occurred because
His parents, being none too smart,
     Were born two hundred years apart.

by Dennis Lee

“Much may be done in those little shreds and patches of time which every day produces, and which most men throw away.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832))

“Counting time is not so important as making time count.” -James J. Walker

“If time be judiciously employed, there is time for everything.” -George Head (1782 - 1855): “A Home Tour Through the Manufacturing Districts of England in the Summer of 1835” (1836), page 198

In the time a person says, “One hundred and one,” one second of time has passed.

Bill: What time would it be if it were not the time it is now?
Tim: Some other time.

“Time devours all things.” [English translation]
“Tempus edax rerums.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17))

“Time equals life; therefore, waste your time and waste of your life, or master your time and master your life.” -Alan Lakein (born 1938)

“If you don’t make time to work on creating the life you want, you’re eventually going to be forced to spend a lot of time dealing with a life you don’t want.” -Kevin Ngo

Seymour: What time is it?
Rosemary: Now.

“How you spend your hours equals who you are today.” -Stephen Bavolek (Stephen J. Bavolek)

In 1984, the “Eldorado Daily Journal” newspaper of Illinois, United States of America, announced a contest to see who could save the most daylight for daylight savings time. The rules of the contest were simple: beginning with the first day of daylight savings time, contestants would be required to save daylight. Whoever succeeded in saving the most daylight would win. Only pure daylight would be allowed - no dawn or twilight light, though light from cloudy days would be allowed. Moonlight was strictly forbidden. Light could be stored in any container. The contest received a huge nationwide response. The paper’s editor was interviewed by correspondents from television news shows and was featured in papers around the country.

“Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.” -Havelock Ellis (Henry Havelock Ellis (1859 - 1939))

Overheard: She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

“By losing present time, we lose all time.” -W. Gurney Benham (William Gurney Benham (1859 - 1944))

Overheard: In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

“Minutes are worth more than money. Spend them wisely.” -Thomas P. Murphy

“We all start out in life with one thing in common: we all have the same amount of time. It’s just a matter of what we do with it.” -Harvey B. Mackay (born 1932)

Chronophobia is a persistent fear of time. Perhaps at the root of this fear is yet another fear, a fear of having all of one’s most beautiful dreams going forever unrealized. Let’s do something about that today by getting started on dreams and goals and plans, even if only in the tiniest of ways, like writing them down on paper or typing them out on your computer, and re-reading them at the start of each day.

“Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone forever.” -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.” -Charles Darwin (Charles Robert Darwin (1809 - 1882))

Overheard: Just think, tomorrow at this same time, we will all be living exactly one day in the future . . .

“Lost time is never found again.” -John H. Aughey (John Hill Aughey (1828 - 1911))

Julianne: What time is it?
Julius: Early September in the year of our Lord 2021.

“The supply of time is a daily miracle. Each day twenty-four hours are given to us to do with as we wish. It is the most precious possession we have, so live it daily and take advantage of every opportunity.” -Author Unknown

Time Facts
- 60 seconds make up a minute.
- 60 minutes make up an hour.
- 24 hours make up a day.
- 7 days make up a week.
- 28 to 31 days make up a month.
- 12 months make up a year.
- 10 years make up a decade.
- 100 years make up a century.
- 1,000 years make up a millennium.
- An infinite number of years make up an eternity.

“Don’t say, ‘There’s still time,’ or ‘Maybe next time,’ because there’s also the concept of, ‘It’s too late.’” -Author Unknown

“Those who know the value of time use it in preparation for eternity.” -Dugnet (also variously attributed to Duguet and Dugnat)

“Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.” -Thomas Mann (Paul ‘Thomas’ Mann (1875 - 1955)): “The Magic Mountain” (1924), Chapter 5

Riddle: What flies without wings?
Solution: Time.

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” -Michael Altshuler, website: http://michaelaltshuler.com

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658)

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.
by Matt Haig (born 1975)

“Each moment, as it passes, is the meeting place of two eternities.” -Madame Swetchine (Anne Sophie Swetchine (1782 - 1857))

“Our great object in time is not to waste our passions and gifts on the things external that we must leave behind, but that we cultivate within us all that we can carry into the eternal progress beyond.” -Edward Bulwer-Lytton (Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton (1803 - 1873))

“In reality, time does not exist, only processes.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Time revealeth all things.” -Thomas Draxe (unknown - 1618)

Candace: What time is it?
Wallace: $682.99.
Candace: Your prices are really high.
Wallace: That’s because time is really valuable.

“Time is like a snowflake - it melts away while we try to decide what to do with it.” -Author Unknown

May memory restore again and again
The smallest color of the smallest day:
Time is the school in which we learn,
Time is the fire in which we burn.
-Delmore Schwartz (1913 - 1966): “Calmly We Walk Through This April’s Day” (1937), also found in Delmore Schwartz: “For Rhoda” (1938), stanza 1

“Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.” -Jim Bishop

“The illimitable, silent, never-resting thing called Time, rolling, rushing on, swift, silent, like an all-embracing ocean-tide, on which we and all the Universe swim like exhalations, like apparitions which are, and then are not.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“The time on either side of now stands fast.” -Maxine Kumin

“When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.” -Bette Midler (born 1945): as quoted in the “Jerusalem Post” (24 February 1989) newspaper

Have you ever noticed that when someone says there is no more time, time pays no attention to what that person says and continues to flow right along as usual?

“You wake up in the morning, and lo! your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of the magic tissue of the Universe of your life. No one can take it from you. No one receives either more or less than you receive. Waste your infinitely precious commodity as much as you will, and you cannot draw on the future. Impossible to get into debt. You can only waste the passing moment. You cannot waste tomorrow; it is kept for you.” -Arnold Bennett (Enoch Arnold Bennett (1867 - 1931))

“Time is not a reality, but a concept or a measure . . .” -Antiphon the Sophist (479 B.C.E. - 411 B.C.E.): “Truth”

“Time is not measured by clocks but by moments.” -Author Unknown

“Lost wealth may be replaced by industry, lost knowledge by study, lost health by temperance or medicine, but lost time is gone forever.” -Samuel Smiles (1812 - 1904)

More Time Facts
- According to the old English time system, a moment is one and a half minutes.
- A jiffy is an actual unit of time, equaling 1/100th of a second.
- A nanosecond is one billionth of a second.
- The smallest unit of time is a yoctosecond, or 1 septillionth of a second, being 10 to the power of negative 24.
- A million seconds is about 11 days.
- A billion seconds is about 31 years.
- 31,536,000 seconds is about one year.
- 168 hours are in a week.

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.” -Art Buchwald (Arthur Buchwald (1925 - 2007))

“Time eases all things.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“Time flies whether you’re having fun or not. The choice is yours.” -Author Unknown

“You will never have more time than you do right now.” -Author Unknown

Time Quiz
- What time is it?
- What time would you rather it be?
- Is it the same time for everybody?
- Does anybody really know what time it is?
- What is time?
- Do you have enough time?
- If you do not have enough time, where can you get some more?
- When people borrow some of your time, do they ever pay you back?

Tim: May I borrow some of your time?
Tom: Only if you promise to return it.

“You can’t make up for lost time. You can only do better in the future.” -Ashley Ormon (born 1958)

“We shall never have more time. We have, and have always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until tomorrow. Keep going day in and day out. Concentrate on something useful. Having decided to achieve a task, achieve it at all costs.” -Arnold Bennett (Enoch Arnold Bennett (1867 - 1931))

“God hath given to man a short time here upon Earth, and yet upon this short time eternity depends.” -Jeremy Taylor (1613 - 1667): “Holy Living” (1650)

“Time will explain it all.” -Euripides (480 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” -J. R. R. Tolkien (John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (1892 - 1973)): “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” (1954)

Wow, where did all the time go? Apparently, time flies when you are having fun! And, since that is all the time we have to cover the topic of Time, we will now go on to our next topic . . . on MFOL!

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Clocks and Timepieces

8/30/2019

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What time does the clock show?

Before clocks and watches were invented, people planned their days by the rising and setting of the Sun. We continue to use sunrise and sunset as the most obvious reference points in our days.

“The first and original clock or timepiece known to humankind is still all around us even now: the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, and the movements thereof, which creates our days and nights and tides and seasons.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Sundials were invented more than 2,000 years ago and were among the first instruments used to tell the time. Small sundials, similar to the one built into the pocket compass shown above, were once very popular, and are still made and available for purchase even now. They require no batteries or winding.

Lessons from a Sundial

Ignore dull days; forget the showers;
Keep count of only shining hours.

by Author Unknown

After the invention of sundials came hourglasses. Though they do not show the time of day, they do allow people to know when a period of time is up, as the sand finishes pouring out of the top half of the glass into the bottom half. Hourglasses come in different time measures, such as 1 minute, 30 minutes, or 1 hour, and for specific purposes, such as egg timer hourglasses to time the cooking of hard-boiled eggs. Some hourglasses allow users to put in more sand or remove sand to let them to choose how much time will be measured. Hourglasses are even made that contain liquid rather than sand to mark the passage of time.

Sometime in the 1400’s, also referred to as the 15th century, mechanical clocks were invented. The pendulum clock was invented in 1656, and continued as the most accurate clock type until the 1930’s, when quartz oscillators were invented. Digital clocks and wristwatches, and most analog clocks, are now built with quartz oscillators. After World War 2, atomic clocks were invented, and are at present the most accurate timepieces.

To synchronize your computer’s clock with the atomic clock, said to be the world’s most reliable timepiece, visit http://www.worldtimeserver.com/atomic-clock.

Have you ever noticed that by the time you have finished synchronizing all of your clocks, watches, timers, appliances, and devices, it’s time to start all over again . . .

“Don’t watch the clock; do what it does: Keep going.” -Author Unknown

Before 1687, clocks were made with an hour hand only.

Why are the long thin moving parts on clock faces called hands and not fingers? After all, they are long and narrow like fingers, and they do sort of point at the numbers . . .

“Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

Raymond: What did the big hand say to the small hand on the clock?
Myra: “Can you spare a minute?”

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Clock Song

The hands on the clock
     Go round and round,
     Round and round, round and round.
The hands on the clock
     Go round and round,
     To tell us the time.

The short hand on the clock
     Goes from number to number,
     Number to number, number to number.
The short hand on the clock
     Goes from number to number.
     To tell us the time.

The long hand on the clock
     Goes around by fives,
     Around by fives, around by fives.
The long hand on the clock
     Goes around by fives.
     To tell us the minutes.

by Author Unknown: can be sung to the same tune as that of “Wheels on the Bus”

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“My watch is three hours fast and I can’t fix it, so I’m gonna move to New York.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.

Overheard: Let’s all synchronize our watches.

“My poor fellow, why not carry a watch?” -Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1852 - 1917): comment made to a man in the street who was carrying a grandfather clock

Preston: How should you greet a grandfather clock?
Pierce: “Hello, old timer!”

Heloise: What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?
Louise: “Look Pops, no hands!”

“Timepiece: An indicator device of the progression of events relative one to another, though in itself holding no sway over them.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

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The Sad Tale of Mr. Mears

There was a man who had a clock,
     His name was Matthew Mears;
And every day he wound that clock
     For eight and twenty years.

And then one day he found that clock
     An eight-day* clock to be;
And a madder man than Matthew Mears
     You would not wish to see.

by Author Unknown
*An eight-day clock is a clock that is wound once in every eight days.

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“You can’t turn back the clock but you can wind it up again.” -Author Unknown

Riddle: What runs but has no legs?
Solution: A clock.

Analog clocks and watches have hands that move around a dial, or clockface, and digital clocks and watches have numerical, or number, displays.

The tip of a 0.846666666667 centimeter (1/3 inch long) hour hand on an analog wristwatch travels at 0.000004425696 kilometers (0.00000275 miles) per hour. By comparison, the fastest-moving land snail, the common garden snail, has a speed of about 0.0503724672 kilometers (0.0313 miles) per hour. This must be the reason why so many pet snails are named Speedy, but so many wristwatches are named Old Reliable.

In many advertisements for analog watches, or watches with hands, the time shown is with the hands at 10 and 2 (the digital watch equivalent of 10:10), because the hand positions for this time are thought to subtly represent a smiling face in the minds of people who view the ads . . . and as we have been told, everybody likes a joyful timepiece.

Sign on a clock repair shop: Cuckoo Clocks Psychoanalyzed Here.

Olga: Why was the clock put in the tree?
Olaf: Because it was a little cuckoo.

Cuckoo clocks are not just for eccentric people anymore . . . but mostly they are. We are kidding - they are for anybody who wants one. You might need several of them, so that they keep each other company and do not get lonely . . . one for the kitchen, another for the living room, and one for the pack patio.

Cuckoo clock, noun: 1. A decorative clock with a little wooden bird inside it that comes out every hour and makes a two-note sound like a cuckoo.  2. A timepiece that drives some people crazy, or at the very least, to distraction.

Meanwhile, in a parallel Universe, a bird pops out of a cuckoo clock every hour and asks, “What time is it?!”

Clovis: What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?
Mavis: A watchdog.

“The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked.” -Tillie Olsen: “Tell Me a Riddle” (1980)

Chronometrophobia is a persistent fear of clocks. Maybe it has something to do with that annoying tick, tick, tick, tick . . . or maybe it is the persistent bzzz-zzz or bbbrrrnnng or beep-beep-beep of the alarm . . . or the onward march of time . . .

Alarm clock, noun: 1. A device designed to scare the daylights out of you. 2. An electronic device used to wake up people who have no pets or children.

Rancher Rick: What do you get if you cross a clock and a chicken?
Farmer Fred: An alarm cluck.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock,

Three mice ran up the clock,
     The clock struck one and
That mouse hired a personal injury attorney
     And sued for assault-and-battery.

by Author Unknown

Riddle: What has a face but cannot talk?
Solution: A clock.

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The Clock

There’s a neat little clock, -
     In the schoolroom it stands, -
And it points to the time
     With its two little hands.

And may we, like the clock,
     Keep a face clean and bright,
With hands ever ready
     To do what is right.

by Author Unknown

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“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” -Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830 - 1916)

Rudy: What do people do in clock factories?
Rudolph: They make faces all day.

Tick Tock

Tick, tock, tick, tock,
     Merrily sings the clock.
It’s time for work,
     It’s time for play,
And so it sings
     Through all the day.
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
     Merrily sings the clock.

by Author Unknown

This is MFOL! . . . and the clock is telling us it is time to get started on what is coming up next . . .

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