Make Fun Of Life!

The Goblin

8/18/2019

The Goblin

There’s a goblin as green
as a goblin can be
Who is sitting outside
and is waiting for me.
When he knocked on my door
and said softly, “Come play!”
I answered, “No thank you,
now please, go away!”
But the goblin as green
as a goblin can be
Is still sitting outside
and is waiting for me.

by Author Unknown

Image shown: Grassy Goblin or Tufty Troll head at the Lost Gardens of Heligan near Mevagissey, Cornwall, England. To see more visit their website: https://www.heligan.com.

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Ghosts and Apparitions

7/27/2019

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There are no such things as ghosts . . . there are no such things as ghosts . . . there are no such things as ghosts . . . aa-aaa-aaaah-aaa-aa! It’s a ghost! Run! Run! Run!

Edith: What should you do when you see a ghost?
Edwin: Hope the ghost does not see you!

“The house ghost is usually a harmless and well-meaning creature. It is put up with as long as possible. It brings good luck to those who live with it.” -William Butler Yeats (1865 - 1939): “The Celtic Twilight” (1902), page 32

Horace: When do ghosts usually appear?
Horatio: Just before someone screams.

Ghosts and Apparitions Facts
- Ghosts seem to want to be noticed.
- When a ghost is present, people may feel a chill or a cold sensation.
- Ghosts may appear as mists or vapors.
- Ghosts can make clearly audible sounds as well as very faint, barely discernable sounds.
- Other words for ghost include apparition, disembodied soul, phantom, and spirit.
- Ghosts, just as with people, come in many different types: good, bad, friendly, humorless, mischievous, unfriendly, polite, rude, and so forth.
- Most ghosts cannot hurt people; however, people can injure themselves if they panic and hurry to get away from them.
- Ghosts sometimes hang out in groups with other ghosts.
- Ghosts make friends with other ghosts from different eras.
- Ghosts that lived hundreds of years ago can keep up with recent trends.
- A ghost is behind you right now - just kidding!

Elaine: Why did the ghost cross the road?
Eileen: To get to the other side - the spirit side!

Spirits can become more active at night, possibly due to reduced electronic disturbances from appliances and other devices, which compete with or drown out ghostly apparitions. For this reason, you are more likely to sense ghostly presences when televisions and washing machines are not in use and your house is quiet.

Bertie: Where do ghosts get their mail?
Gertie: At the ghost office.

Ghosts appear in four of William Shakespeare’s plays: “Julius Caesar,” “Richard III,” “Hamlet,” and “Macbeth.”

Carla: What did the little ghost order at the restaurant?
Marla: Spookghetti.

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, then why do they not fall through floors?

Little Ghost

I saw a little ghost.
     He saw me, too.
I said, “Hi!”
     And he said, “Boo!”

by Author Unknown

Phasmophobia is a persistent fear of ghosts or of phantoms. People with this phobia may fear going into empty houses or dark spaces, react with alarm to strange and unexplained noises, and have a strong opposition to watching ghost movies. ‘Phasmo’ is Greek for ‘apparition’ or ‘phantom’ and ‘phobia’ is Greek for ‘fear.’ Phasmophobia is also referred to as spectrophobia.

Clarence: What do ghosts put on their bagels?
Terrance: Scream cheese!

“Eventually scientists will discover something that explains ghosts, just like they discovered electricity, which explained lightning, and it might be something about people’s brains, or something about the Earth’s magnetic field, or it might be some new force altogether. And then ghosts won’t be mysteries. They will be like electricity and rainbows and nonstick frying pans.” -Mark Haddon (born 1962)

Tables Turned

The ghost of bold Ned Kelly
     came to haunt my Auntie Nellie,
but when it saw her in the light
     it was the ghost that got the fright.

by Michael Dugan (1947 - 2006)

Al: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Lex: Boo-berries.

Danielle: What do ghosts like for dessert?
Daniel: I-scream!

Michelle: What do ghosts like on top of their I-scream?
Marcel: Whipped scream and boo-scaries!

Have you ever heard your name spoken when no one is around? It could be that a ghost is trying to get your attention. Spooky!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Freighter.
Freighter, who?
Freighter ghosts, are you?

Ghosts have a sense of humor and love to hear humans laugh.

Rachelle: What is a ghost’s favorite breakfast?
Raquel: Ghost toasties with boo-berries.

Ghosts can leave behind certain scents, such as that of perfume, and they like the smell of lemons.

Bob: Do ghosts make good pets?
Rob: Only if they are housebroken.

Animals seem to be able to sense ghosts or spirits, and that is why they may sometimes be seen staring intensely at what appears to be nothing, perhaps even showing signs of being ‘spooked,’ such as barking, hissing, whimpering, moving erratically, or acting frightened of something undetected by human senses.

Don’t be frightened, because underneath the bedsheets, there are probably just . . . terrifying ghosts!

Glenard: What happened when the ghosts went on strike?
Leonard: A skeleton crew took over.

Ghosts seem to be more active at night and in dark places, possibly because it takes less effort for them to appear, or ‘manifest’ themselves, in those conditions.

Wendell: What is the first thing a ghost does when she gets into a car?
Kendall: She boo-ckles her seatbelt.

Children are more likely to see ghosts than adults are, and children may perceive ghosts as being their ‘imaginary friends.’

Ghost: I hear you have a new ghoul friend.
Vampire: Yes, it was love at first fright.
Ghost: It’s no wonder. She’s so boo-tiful.

Ghosts like to climb up and down stairs and walk in hallways. Perhaps they can only manifest themselves in the physical world by motion or exertion (effort).

Nellie: Why did the mommy ghost take her ghost child to the doctor?
Kelly: She was worried because he was in such good spirits.

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) may have postulated a scientific basis for the existence of ghosts. Since energy cannot be created or destroyed, but can only change form, could life-force energy manifest in ghostly form when physical life ceases?

Three Little Ghosts

Three little ghosts on Halloween night
     Saw a witch and shrieked in fright
The witch just laughed and shouted, “Boo!”
     One ghost ran home and then there were two.
Two little ghosts who shiver and shook
     With every single step they took.
When the door opened wide
     One little ghost said to the other . . .
I’m going home and stay with my mother.
One little ghost can’t have much fun,
     so he ran home, and then there were none.

by Author Unknown

Pat: What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
Rick: “I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.”

Ghosts are often protective of the places they haunt, and may even jealously guard the individuals and families in those places - if they are not trying to drive them away.

Shelia: What sport is popular with ghosts?
Ophelia: Shadow boxing.

Some alleged hauntings are actually ‘residual occurrences,’ or past events that replay themselves over and over, like the echoes of a sound or the ripples made by a disturbance in a pond. History very much tends to repeat itself in this kind of scenario. History very much tends to repeat itself in this kind of scenario. History very much tends to repeat itself in this kind of scenario.

Meredith: What did the mother ghost tell her baby ghost at the dinner table?
Merry: “Quit goblin your food.”

Ghosts do not sleep, so if you hear a strange whisper in your ear while you are sleeping, it may be a ghost.

Ghosts
glide across the
golden grass gathering
goblins and grabbing
grasshoppers.
They giggle and glide
above
the ground.
-Author Unknown

Often ghosts do not seem to know that they are no longer living persons. They seem to exist in a permanent state of confusion, almost as if they are imprisoned in a dream from which they cannot awaken. Many ghosts are happy, but some appear to be experiencing emotional pain. Some ghosts retain all of the memories and emotions of being alive, while other ghosts seem to have forgotten everything, as though in a state of amnesia.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A ghost boo.
A ghost boo, who?
I’m sorry, please don’t cry, I didn’t mean to scare you.

Erma: What does a mother ghost say to her child when they get into the car?
Ernie: “Fasten your sheet-belt!”

If you like having a ghost around, say something nice to it, like: “You are really spooktacular and really great at haunting.” If you find being haunted bothersome, simply ask the ghost to leave, as they often will do just as they are asked. Say something like, “I know you are here but you are scaring me, please leave.”

Henny: What haunts your house and clucks?
Penny: A poultry-gheist!

A noisy, troublesome ghost is known as a ‘poltergeist,’ a word derived from the German words ‘poltern’ meaning to ‘create a disturbance’ and ‘geist’ meaning ‘ghost.’ They are pranksters who use their ghostly energies to move things and make noises. For example, they can cause objects to levitate, or make sounds such as door-knocking and chain-rattling.

Oscar: Why did the game warden ticket the ghost?
Carla: He was haunting without a license.

During American Woodrow Wilson’s presidency, his wife Edith Wilson ordered the gardeners to dig up Dolly Madison’s prized rose garden. It is said that Dolly Madison’s spirit showed up and put such a fear of ghosts into the workmen that they fled without turning over a single shovel-full of the soil. The garden still continues to bloom, having been in place for about two centuries now.

Elmer: What goes, “Boo, putty, putty, putty, boo, putty, putty, putty”?
Marla: A ghost replacing a broken window.

Cell phones spook ghosts. According to an expert in England, mobile phones are making ghosts disappear. Tony Cornell, of the Society for Psychical Research, told the British “Sunday Express” newspaper that reports of ghost sightings had begun to decline when mobile phones were first introduced. “Ghost sightings have remained consistent for centuries,” said Cornell, of Cambridge in Eastern England. “But with the introduction of mobile phones fifteen years ago, ghost sightings began to decline to the point where now we are receiving none.” Apparently, paranormal events, which some scientists put down to unusual electrical activity, could be drowned out by the electronic noise produced by phone calls and text messages.

Helen: What is a little ghost’s favorite game?
Ellen: Hide-and-Shriek.

Laddie: What game do baby ghosts like to play?
Lassie: Peek-a-Boo!

Todd: What do you get when you cross a ghost and an elephant?
Maude: A great big nothing.

Spirits can manifest in various ways, including orbs, streaks of light, dark shadows, mists, and strange blurs. Full-body apparitions are possible, but rare.

Jimmy: What is a ghost’s favorite kind of music?
Jeremy: Haunting melodies.

Ghosts and Apparitions Quiz
- What does a ghost look like?
- Have you ever seen a ghost?
- Have you ever heard a ghost?
- Have you ever felt the presence of a ghost?
- Is it harmful to believe in ghosts?
- Do plants have ghosts?
- Do animals have ghosts?
- Do you know any ghost stories?
- Would a ghost make a good pet or friend?
- What should you do if you see a ghost?

Rob: Where do ghosts send their little girls?
Roy: To all-ghouls schools.

Overheard: During the day, I do not believe in ghosts, but at night, I am a little more open-minded!

Ronald: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Donald: “Do you believe in people?”

Millions of spiritual creatures walk the Earth
Unseen, both when we wake and when we sleep.
-John Milton (1608 - 1674): “Paradise Lost,” line 677

Riddle: What is spooky and scares people - but is also nervous and jumpy?
Solution: A ghost that is afraid of ghosts!

Lars: Where do ghosts go fishing?
Darcy: Lake Erie!

This is MFOL! . . . if ghosts were real, you can be sure that we would be interviewing them right now, to find out if they know any silly jokes or have any secret knowledge. Yet, one can never be entirely sure, because there are many places in our world that have not yet been fully explored, and ghosts may be there waiting for us . . . Now go have fun with your life!

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Monsters

7/26/2019

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Even monsters like to have fun. Here we see Frankenstein’s Monster and Wolf Man sharing a laugh.

Arnie: What is big, red, and eats rocks?
Arnold: A big red rock eater!

Lydia: Why don’t monsters play hide-and-seek?
Lindsey: Who would want to look for them?

“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.” -André Gide (André Paul Guillaume Gide (1869 - 1951))

Estelle: Where should a 3,000-pound monster go?
Esther: On a diet!

Hughie: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Goldie: Because he wanted a light snack.

Teratrophobia is a persistent fear of monsters, but did you know that the reason monsters hide under beds, ghosts hide in vacant houses, and the boogieman hides in closets is that they are all afraid of you?

Pauline: What is the best way to speak to a big scary monster?
Lynette: From a long distance!

Dom: What do monsters call human beings?
Don: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

Monster Facts
- A monster is an imaginary creature that is often large or frightening in appearance.
- Monsters can be ogres, ghouls, goblins, half-human-half-animals, space aliens, sea monsters, or any of many other types.
- A group of monsters is called a gang, a troupe, or a horror.
- Monsters will eat anything, including people, buildings, rocks, and lasagna.
- If you see a motionless monster, do not poke it with a stick to see if it is alive, because it might be just taking a nap - and monsters can wake up grumpy or hungry from their naps.
- People often mistake ordinary animals and other people for monsters when they cannot see them clearly, as for example, when it is dark or wooded.

Manny: When is the best time to talk to a monster?
Manuel: When it isn’t hungry!

Ronnie: What did the monster eat after the dentist worked on its teeth?
Ronald: The dentist.

Ghouls

Do ghouls
Go out
On a rainy day?
When it
Splishes and
Splashes,
Do
Ghouls
Wear
Ghoul-oshes?

by Lilian Moore

Mae: What is the best way to talk to a huge hideous scary monster?
Kay: By long-distance phone call.

Julius: Why did the monster cross the road?
Julia: Why, are you afraid to ask him?

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur, who?
Arthur any monsters under the bed?

Chet: What should you do with a blue monster?
Chester: Cheer her up!

Myrtle: How do you make a blue monster green?
Gertie: Take her on a roller coaster ride!

It’s Boring Being a Monster

It’s boring being a monster,
     Chasing kids around,
Hiding underneath their beds,
     Not making any sound -
It’s boring waiting on the stairs,
     Hoping they’ll walk by,
Boring making little creaks,
     Trying to make kids cry.
It takes so long to learn this trade,
     To skulk and tap and moan,
It’s boring waiting all the time
     In someone else’s home.
I want to see the world out there,
     I want to make some friends,
Waiting for the night-time
     Never seems to end.
I’d like to slide down banisters,
     Shriek and yell and scream,
Boogie to some disco songs,
     Let off a bit of steam,
I’d like to run around the house,
     Turn on all the lights,
Eat marshmallows, watch TV,
     On dark and dismal nights.
I’d like to have a bath sometimes,
     And clean my smelly hair -
Put some decent clothes on,
     For someone who would care.
I’d like to sit down to a meal,
     Smile and laugh and chat,
Have a coffee and ice-cream,
     Put on a little fat.
I dream of being normal,
     Having a little fun -
It’s boring being a monster,
     When all is said and done.

by Author Unknown

Annette: What do you call a monster that has a bunch of children?
Annie: A momster!

Pierce: Where can lost monsters be found?
Percy: Monsters are so big that they never get lost.

These ‘monsters’ are just silly people in costumes.

Howard: What does a boy monster call a girl who has three eyes, two noses, and three mouths?
Howie: Cute!

Melonie: How does a monster count to twenty-three?
Melody: On his fingers.

Alvin Schwartz’s book “Kickle Snifters” (1 January 1976) describes creatures that maybe don’t really exist. The rubberado moves by bouncing, and laughs each time it lands. Bouncing is the only way a rubberado can get around. The squonk is always crying. If you catch a squonk and put it in a sack, it will cry so hard that nothing is left but a puddle. Kickle snifters live in old men’s beards. They laugh all the time because beards tickle. When a wunk gets scared, it digs a hole and jumps in, and then it pulls the hole in after it. These and other creatures are found in this astounding book available at your local public library and through booksellers.

Bartholomew: Why did the Blob eat the North Pole?
Barry: Because it wanted a frozen dinner.

Dorothy: What’s the difference between a huge, scary monster and a puppy?
Dottie: People like puppies.

Official Bedtime Checklist for Monsters in the Home
□ Say loudly, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
□ Check under beds with flashlight.
□ Check behind curtains.
□ Look in closets.
□ Look behind you.
□ Listen for noises.
□ Look inside all major appliances: washing machine, dryer, refrigerator, oven.
□ Jump into bed and hide under the covers.
□ Breath deep and relax.
□ Sweet dreams!

Eve: Why did the monster knit herself three socks?
Evelyn: Because she grew another foot.

Pearl: What happened to the monster who took the five o’clock train home?
Ruby: He had to give it back.

“Don’t eat with your fingers, dear,” said the humongous monster to her son. “Use your shovel.”

Patricia: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Patty: Give him some screws.

Zeke: What do you say when you greet a two-headed monster?
Ezekiel: “Hello! Hello!”

Ghoul

A ghoul stood on a bridge one night,
Its lips were all a-quiver;
     It gave a cough,
     Its leg fell off,
And floated down the river.

by Author Unknown
(Don’t worry for the ghoul - it grew a new leg - but for almost a month it had the nickname ‘Hop-Along.’)

Floyd: Why did everyone laugh when the ogre sat down to play the grand piano?
Lloyd: Because there wasn’t a piano bench!

Florence: Where do ogres dance?
Laurence: At the odd ball!

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The Monster

I thought I saw a monster
     Underneath my bed -
His tongue was yellow,
     And his eyes were red.

I thought I saw a monster
     Underneath my chair -
His face was purple,
     And he had pink hair.

I thought I saw a monster
     In my room last night -
His legs were orange,
     And his feet were white.

I thought I saw a monster
     And that he saw me -
But don’t tell my mother,
     She’ll be scared you see.

by Author Unknown

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Daniel: What did the ogre get for his birthday?
Danny: Another year older!

Cecilia: What is green and purple and goes, “Crunch, crunch”?
Amelia: A monster eating crackers in bed.

Aggie: Why can’t you join a monster in a glass of milk?
Agnes: Because there isn’t room for both of you in one glass.

“Two heads are better than one . . . as every two-headed monster will tell you.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Brenda: What kind of fur do you get from a monster?
Branden: As fur as you can get.

First Monster: There is an awful rumbling in my stomach - like a cart going over a cobblestone street.
Second Monster: It is probably just that truck you ate for dinner.

Monsters Quiz
- Are monsters real?
- Is ‘imagination run wild’ a good definition of a monster, and what other ways are there to describe a monster?
- After escaping from our imaginations, where do monsters go to live?
- Are there enough monsters in the world, or should we use our imaginations to make some more?
- What should you do if you see a monster?
- Can you draw a monster for us?

Dawn: What is big, scary, and has three wheels?
Don: A monster riding a tricycle!

Clarissa: Where can a monster always find a friend?
Melissa: In the dictionary.

Why do monsters hide under beds?
- They feel safe there.
- They hope to hear a bedtime story.
- They can just roll right into the space.
- It’s like, out of sight, man.
- Monster hunters rarely go under beds.
- They’re afraid you might eat them.

Stan: What is the best thing about being a two-headed monster?
Lee: You can always tell when you have bad breath.

Mandy: How does a ghoul eat?
Amanda: By goblin.

Overheard: I am 36 years old, and I am still afraid that there are monsters under my bed, and that they will eat my feet and hands if they dangle off the edge of the bed!

Sylvia: Who grants wishes to unhappy goblins?
Leah: Their scary godmother.

Owen: What should you do if a monster shows up at your door?
Osmer: Hope it’s Halloween!

Gorgon

The Gorgon, it’s known, is quite prone
To stare and turn people to stone.
     Some Greek myths declare
     She had snakes for hair.
It’s enough to make Frankenstein groan.

by Author Unknown

Lemuel: Why do demons and ghouls spend so much time together?
Samuel: Because demons are a ghoul’s best fiend.

Phoebe: Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?
Ophelia: Because he wasn’t very hungry.

Do ghouls gorge on goulash?

Daddy Monster: Why does our little boy have so many holes in his head?
Mommy Monster: Isn’t it just darling? He’s learning to eat with a fork today.

Eli: What is round and green, is covered with yellow hair, has big scaly claws, weighs five hundred pounds, and goes, “Peckety-peck-peck!”?
Lilly: There is no such creature, you silly person!

Sometimes, one joke is just not enough to get a monster through the day, so we have many monster jokes. Now go out there and make monstrous fun of life - because out there is where it is all happening!

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The Macabre

7/25/2019

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Warning: Not for the faint of heart . . . turn back now!

When the Spider Met the Elevator

The itsy-bitsy spider
     Crawled up the elevator shaft
Down came the elevator
     And cut the spider in half.

by David Hugh Beaumont (inspired by the “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” song)

Doctor: I have bad news. You have a fatal disease.
Patient: How long do I have to live, doctor?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven . . .

Epitaphs

Here lies what’s left of little Jimmy Burdette -
     He never read the directions to his chemistry set.
Here lies the body of Captain M. Moat -
     He should have fixed that hole in his boat.
Here lies the body of Darcy Dators -
     Her big mistake was feeding those gators.
Here lies the body of Jolly Aunt Gert -
     She should have said no to that tenth dessert.
Here lies the body of Joshua Green -
     Last seen working the sausage machine.
Here lies the body of Jenny Paine -
     She almost learned how to fly a plane.

by Marc Brown

Doctor: I have good news and bad news; which do you want first?
Patient: The bad news.
Doctor: Your condition is fatal.
Patient: That is terrible - what is the good news?
Doctor: They are going to give you the honor of naming it after you.

Treat your friends and family to food that is almost too scary to eat - on a horror movie night! Serve with chilled tomato juice.

The Purist

I give you now Professor Twist,
     A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles!”
     And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
     One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
     Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
     “You mean,” he said, “a crocodile.”

by Ogden Nash

Winston: “Heard you buried your wife, old chap.”
Gilliam: “Had to. Dead, you know.”

Gina

Here lies the body of a girl named Gina,
Who bought a brand new vacuum cleaner.
     She got in the way
     Of its suction one day -
Since then no one has seen her.

by Author Unknown

Macabre (məˈkäbrə), adjective. Disturbingly referring to or depicting death or injury, as in art or literature; gruesome.

The Optimist

The optimist fell ten stories,
     And at each window bar
He shouted to the folks inside:
     “Doing all right so far!”

by Author Unknown

Pie Problem

If I eat one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
     If I can’t have one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
So since it’s all decided I must die,
     I might as well have one more piece of pie.
Mmmm - Oooh - My!
     Chomp - Gulp - ’Bye!

by Shel Silverstein

Once upon a time, there were three children named Petal, Feather, and Fridge. Petal asked, “Mom, why is my name Petal?” to which she replied, “Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Feather asked, “Mom, why is my name Feather?” to which she replied, “Because a bird feather was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Fridge said, “Herp derp dur,” to which Fridge’s mother replied, “Because a refrigerator was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.”

More Stew

In the village of Jingamafloo,
They don’t look at the world like we do.
     When a gentleman dies
     His dear wife shouts, “Surprise!
Now we’ll all get a little more stew.”

by Graham Lester

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty-four hours to live.
Patient: Twenty-four hours! That is terrible! What could be worse? What is the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Freddy

Here is the story
Of Freddy, my friend,
Who ran out into the traffic,
And that is the end.

by Dennis Lee

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper found two finches that had passed away of old age. He picked them up and placed them in a sack. After cleaning the cage, he put the sack in his wheelbarrow and moved on to the next cage. When he reached the primate cage, he found two chimps that had also passed away from natural causes. “Waste not, want not,” he said, as put them in the sack with the finches. Later, at feeding time, he flipped the dead animals from the sack and into the lion’s cage. “No!” roared the lion. “Not finch and chimps again!”

Little Willie

Little Willie was a chemist.
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4,
And now Little Willie
Is no more.

by Author Unknown

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A few days later, the village idiot was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the village idiot ran and got the constable to come and listen to it. The constable bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the constable ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh . . . the Sixth . . . the Fifth . . .” Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

Overheard: I went to the doctor the other day. He examined my head and said it appears they are going to have to amputate.

Yummy - assorted creepy-crawlies pizza toppings!

Ruthless Rhyme

Poor Grandma’s hair hung all awry,
     So we washed it during days of heat,
Then hung her upside-down to dry
     On the clothes-line by her stockinged feet.

by J. A. Lindon

“I went to the doctor today. He said I had two weeks to live. I said ‘Can I have the second week in August and the first in November?’” -Tommy Cooper, British comedian

Grandpapa

Grandpapa fell down a drain;
     Couldn’t scramble out again.
Now he’s floating down the sewer -
     There’s one grandpapa the fewer.

by Harry Graham

This is the kind of stuff that could really make a person’s skin crawl - well just look at that, there goes our skin, crawling away again. We will be back right after we catch our skin and put it back on. In the meantime, further silliness awaits you . . . just continue creeping down the page . . .

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Horror Stories

7/24/2019

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It seems like an inviting house - shall we see if anybody is home?

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Never Mind Them Watermelons

Well now, old Sam Gibb, he did not believe in ghosts. Not one bit. Everyone in town knew the old house back in the woods was haunted, but Sam Gibb just laughed whenever folks talked about it. Finally, the blacksmith dared Sam Gibb to spend the night in the haunted house. If he stayed there until dawn, the blacksmith would buy him a whole cartload of watermelons. Sam was delighted. Watermelon was Sam’s absolute favorite fruit. He accepted the dare at once, packed some matches and his pipe, and went right over to the house to spend the night.

Sam went into the old house, started a fire, lit his pipe, and settled into a rickety old chair with yesterday’s newspaper. As he was reading, he heard a creaking sound. Looking up, he saw that a gnarled little creature with glowing red eyes had taken the seat beside him. It had a long, forked tail, two horns on its head, claws at the ends of its hands, and sharp teeth that poked right through its large lips.

“There ain’t nobody here tonight except you and me,” the creature said to old Sam Gibb. It had a voice like the hiss of flames. Sam’s heart nearly stopped with fright. He leapt to his feet.

“There ain’t going to be nobody here but you in a minute,” Sam Gibb told the gnarled creature. He leapt straight for the nearest exit - which happened to be the window - and hi-tailed it down the lane lickety-split. He ran so fast he overtook two rabbits being chased by a coyote. But it wasn’t long before he heard the pounding of little hooves, and the gnarled creature with the red eyes had caught up with him.

“You’re making pretty good speed for an old man,” said the creature to old Sam Gibb.

“Oh, I can run much faster than this,” Sam Gibb told it. He took off like a bolt of lightning, leaving the gnarled creature in the dust. As he ran past the smithy, the blacksmith came flying out of the forge to see what was wrong.

“Never mind about them watermelons,” Sam Gibb shouted to the blacksmith without breaking his stride.

Old Sam Gibb ran all the way home and hid under his bed for the rest of the night. After that, he was a firm believer in ghosts and spooks, and he refused to go anywhere near the old house in the woods.

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In the Dark

In the dark, dark woods, there is a dark, dark house.
And in the dark, dark house, there is a dark, dark room.
And in the dark, dark room, there is a dark, dark cabinet.
And in the dark, dark cabinet, there is a dark, dark shelf.
And on the dark, dark shelf, there is a dark, dark box.
And in the dark, dark box . . . there is a ghost!

by Author Unknown

Horror stories can be more or less frightening than reality. They form an important part of human play, helping to immunize us against the real terrors of the world in which we live so that we can go on in spite of it all. And the humor? It is the sugar that helps the medicine go down.

A woman awakened in the night to see a hideous apparition with glowing red eyes at the foot of her bed. The creature had an appearance like some sort of fog or mist, and she could see right through it. It had a hand on her husband’s ankle and was pulling him off the bed. The woman cried, “Stop!” The thing said, “He’s mine!” and continued to pull her husband off the bed. The woman screamed, “Be gone with you in the name of all that is good!” The fog immediately released the man’s ankle and vanished down into the narrow spaces between the floorboards, glowing red eyes and all, to be seen no more. When her husband awoke in the morning, he had dark bruises all around his ankle.

Skeleton and Ghost

A skeleton once in Khartoum
Invited a ghost to its room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to which should be frightened of whom.

by Author Unknown

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Bob and Betty Hill

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe; as it happened, in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see ten feet in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skid out of control! Bob attempted to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerved and smashed into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his wife unconscious, with a large bump on her head. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knew he had to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picked his wife up and began trudging down the road. After a short while, he saw a light.

He headed toward the light, which was coming from a big old house. He approached the door and knocked. A minute passed. A small, hunched man opened the door. Bob immediately blurted out, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We have been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I am sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we do not have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will go get him.”

Bob carried his wife in. An elegant man came down the stairs. “I am afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, take them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picked up Betty and carried her downstairs, with Bob following closely behind. Igor placed Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor placed Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looked worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”

Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty were no more. The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his pipe organ, for it was here that he had always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, haunting melody filled the house.

Meanwhile, Igor was still in the lab tidying up. As the music filled the lab, his eyes spied movement. He noticed the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watched as Bob’s arm began to rise! He was even further amazed as Betty sat straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory. He burst in and shouted to his master -

You sure you want to know? Okay, you asked for it -

“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

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“It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the ‘World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.’” -Jack Handy (born 1949)

Perhaps now would be a good time for you to make the maniacal laugh you have been working on . . .

A couple was walking home after a Halloween party, and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tap sound coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they discovered an old man with a hammer and chisel was chipping away at one of the headstones. “Hey, Mister,” the guy said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working out here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Overheard: If people in horror movies would only listen to me, they might be able to escape!

A man was walking home alone late one night when he heard a BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, and made out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified, the man began to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him . . . faster . . . faster . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, slammed and locked the door behind him. However, the coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locked himself in. His heart was pounding; his head was reeling; his breath was coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash, the coffin started breaking down the door . . . Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screamed and reached for something heavy, anything . . . his hand came to rest on a roll of cough drops. Desperate, he threw the cough drops as hard as he could at the apparition . . . and . . . the coffin stopped! Why, you ask? Because, as everyone knows, cough drops stop the coffin!

Earth itself is a horror story in a terrifying Universe. Here is just one example that proves it: Lightning strikes the planet about 6,000 times every minute, and little gray-green creatures called television repairmen run around all over the planet, chasing the lightning to try to catch it - what, that isn’t true at all?

“I grew up in Michigan on the Lower Peninsula, on Lake Saint Clair. We lived out in the country, at a time when there was still some of it around, and the woods spread as far as you could see. Other than the main road, everything was dirt. The road that this story takes place on is not far from my childhood home. I can’t say for sure if it is true or not. Some people insist that it is, while others insist it is just a made-up story. I never saw it but that does not mean it is not real. So here is the tale of my hometown ghost. It took place in Algonac, on Marrow Road. The story behind the road is that a woman went out in the middle of a winter night to try to find her toddler, who had somehow gotten out alone. Sadly, they both froze solid in the cold. If you park on the bridge at midnight and honk your car horn three times, she will appear to see if you have her baby. She is also said to be wearing a white gown at times and carrying her baby. At other times, a green light will hover and chase people away.” -Author Unknown

Overheard: I have seen things . . . awful things . . . empty coffee cup things . . .

Horror stories and scary tales can have unstated morals - stories about haunted houses can keep people from trespassing in abandoned properties, which are often unsafe and can result in injury, typically from such things as people falling through floors with rotten floorboards, or old rafters and beams falling on people. Can you think of other possibly unsafe places that horror stories might protect people from?

This story comes from the early twentieth century. Some of you may be old enough to remember the twentieth century. It happened in the life of a man named Jedidiah Jeremiah. As he tells it, “I inherited an estate in New Hampshire from my grandmother on my father’s side of the family. The house was a twenty-bedroom mansion. Large orchards covered the property. I stayed in the mansion to watch over the property until it could be sold at auction. I slept in the only heated part of the mansion, the servants’ quarters adjoining the kitchen. At nights, just before dawn, while I slept, my covers would be pulled off. After a few nights, this became tiresome, so I lay awake in bed one night, and when the covers began to be pulled off me, I pulled back. I became involved in a tug-of-war with some things that growled at me. I jumped up in terror, stood up on top of the mattress, and threw the covers on the floor at the foot of the bed. After that, for the remaining nights, I stayed in a hotel several miles away. I drove to the estate during the day. I arrived early one morning to look over the bedroom, and in the closet I found some loose floorboards that I pulled up. Underneath was a sort of tunnel leading through a crawl space to the outside of the mansion, with the orchards just a few hundred yards beyond. A few days following, while in the nearby town, I looked up the old cook. I mentioned the nighttime goings on.” “That,” he said, “Would have been the tree imps. They were waking you to let you know to begin preparations for breakfast.” “Tree imps?” I said. “Yes, the souls of the poor departed servants, staying on to care for the orchards, house, and grounds of the estate.”

In the Dark

In the dark, dark world
     There’s a dark, dark, country;
In the dark, dark, country,
     There are dark, dark woods;
In the dark, dark woods
     There’s a dark, dark house;
And in the dark, dark house
     There’s a man trying to find the circuit breaker!

by Author Unknown

For a frightfully good time, read Maurice Sendaks’ book “Where the Wild Things Are” (9 April 1963). This children’s picture book is 40 pages long and has just 338 words. It is available from your local public library or bookseller or on the interwebs.

End It Your Way!

There was a young lady from Norway
Who saw something strange in a doorway.
     What she saw she won’t say,
     But her red hair turned gray,
Now won’t you just end it your way?

by Author Unknown

“The witching hour, somebody had once whispered to her, was a special moment in the middle of the night when every child and every grown-up was in a deep, deep sleep, and all the dark things came out from hiding and had the world all to themselves.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “The BFG” (1982)

Would it be better to have a horrible ending, or to have horrors without end?

A Gruesome Story

Do you want to hear a gruesome story?
     A farmer planted a pumpkin seed.
He watered it and cared for it very well,
     And soon it grew some, and grew some!

by Author Unknown

Some time ago, a woman who was an up-and-coming nature photographer decided to spend a day and a night alone in the woods outside of town. She wanted to get photos of the woods and wildlife as naturally as she could, for her portfolio. She was not afraid of being alone, as she had camped by herself many times before. She set up a tent in the middle of a small clearing and spent the day taking pictures. She filled up two memory cards on that trip, but something was strange about them. What she saw in those pictures has stayed with ever since, and she is still trying to recover from the trauma they have caused her . . . almost every picture was accounted for, save for one picture in each memory card. These pictures were of her, asleep in her tent in the middle of the night.

Emma: What would you get if you crossed scary stories with nursery rhymes?
Esmeralda: Mother Goosebumps.

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time just before a curve. The guy gathered his strength, got out of the car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet from the falling rain and in shock, he ran into a diner and asked for a glass of water, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had gone through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and seemed sincere. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same diner, and one said to the other, “Look, that’s the guy who climbed into the car while we were pushing it.”

“Monsters are real and ghosts are real. They live inside us and sometimes they win.” -Stephen King (born 1947)

A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asked her if she enjoyed it. She admitted to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobweb-lined rooms and passages. “Don’t worry,” said the guide, “I’ve never seen a ghost in all of the time I’ve been here.” “How long is that?” asked the girl. “About four hundred years.”

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Antigonish

“Yesterday, upon the stair,
     I met a man who wasn’t there!
He wasn’t there again today,
     Oh how I wish he’d go away!”

When I came home last night at three,
     The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
     I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
     Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door . . .

Last night I saw upon the stair,
     A little man who wasn’t there,
He wasn’t there again today
     Oh, how I wish he’d go away . . .

by William Hughes Mearns (1875 - 1965): “The Psyco-ed” (1899)

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Poltergeists: Bothersome ghosts that make noises and make objects move.
Poultrygeists: Haunted chickens.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ghoul.
Ghoul, who?
Ghoul D. Locks . . . and the Three Scares!

This is MFOL! . . . weird and wonderful fun . . .

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