We are MFOL . . . Meow?
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We are MFOL . . . Meow?
“You ‘can do’ with a ‘can do’ attitude!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Be someone who finds something good in each day, and then share it with others.” -Author Unknown
“A great attitude precedes a great performance.” -Author Unknown
A Bad Attitude
A boy who was terribly rude
Found his trouble: a bad attitude.
He pulled thorns from its side,
Smoothed its raw, ruffled hide,
Cut its claws, and his life was renewed.
by Author Unknown
“Change your attitude and change your life.” -Ann Bench
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” -Herm Albright (1876 - 1944): as attributed in “Reader’s Digest” (1995)
“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))
“The world always looks better from behind a smile.” -Author Unknown
“Clear your mind of can’t.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“In one minute you can change your attitude and in that minute you can change your entire day.” -Spencer Johnson
“The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day.” -Charles R. Swindoll (Charles Rozell ‘Chuck’ Swindoll (born 18 October 1934))
“It’s hard to have a good day with a bad attitude or a bad day with a good attitude.” -Joe Moore
“Train your mind to see something good in everything.” -Author Unknown
“A bad attitude is like a flat tire; you can’t go anywhere without changing it.” -Author Unknown
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” -Annie Gottlier
“‘You become what you think about’ is the foundation of your actions and reactions. What are your thoughts? Positive all the time? How are you guiding them?” -Jeffrey Gitomer (born 1946)
“Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“The most significant change in a person’s life is a change of attitude. Right attitudes produce right actions.” -William J. Johnson
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” -Author Unknown
“Your attitude is an outward expression of an inward feeling.” -Author Unknown
“A propensity to hope and joy is real riches; one to fear and sorrow, real poverty.” -David Hume (1711 - 1776): “Essays Moral, Political, and Literary” (1875), volume 1, ‘The Sceptic’ (about 1750)
“We tend to live up to our expectations.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“A Great Attitude becomes a great day which becomes a great month which becomes a great year which becomes a great life.” -Mandy Hale
“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)): “Faust” (1808)
“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.” -Michael McGriffy
“Attitudes are contagious - is yours worth catching?” -Author Unknown
“Refuse to criticize, condemn, or complain. Instead, think and talk only about the things you really want.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.” -Author Unknown
“Positive attitudes create a chain reaction of positive thoughts.” -Author Unknown
“The predominant thought or the mental attitude is the magnet, and the law is that like attracts like. Consequently, the mental attitude will invariably attract such conditions as to correspond to its nature.” -Charles Haanel
“Surely the world we live in is but the world that lives in us.” -Daisy Bates
“Just because you can’t be a shining star is no reason you have to be a dark cloud.” -Author Unknown
“Declarations are powerful. If you declare that you are going to be an optimistic, upbeat person at all times, an interesting phenomenon takes place. When people expect you to be positive, you don’t want to let them down. You live your intentions every day - every minute.” -Neil Eskelin
“What is important to you is not so much the circumstances of your life as your attitude toward them.” -Ernest C. Wilson
“Attitude is everything.” -Author Unknown
“The world is a looking-glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly, kind companion.” -William Makepeace Thackeray (1811 - 1863)
“If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges.” -Pat Riley
“A bad attitude is merely a reflection of how you feel about yourself.” -David Roppo
“Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” -Viktor Frankl (Viktor E. Frankl (1905 - 1997)
Formula for Living Successfully
(It is easier than you might think!)
Assign each letter of the alphabet a number.
A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, and so forth all the way to Z = 26.
Next, we formulate equations as follows.
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%.
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.
L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 = 47%.
You will notice that none of the above add up to 100%.
So, what does make 100%?
Is it BEING PERFECT? No!
Is it EDUCATION? No!
Is it FATE? No!
Is it GENETICS? No!
Is it MONEY? No!
Is it OTHER PEOPLE? No!
Our ‘ATTITUDE’ in life is what makes for success, as in A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.
To refresh, ‘Attitude matters 100% in life.’ Now wasn’t that fun?
Every problem or condition has a solution, only if we are willing to change our ‘ATTITUDE.’
“Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first time or the last time. Then your time on Earth will be filled with glory.” -Betty Smith (1896 - 1972): “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” (1943)
“We attract what we habitually expect; we become what we deeply believe.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
“This is the precept by which I have lived: Prepare for the worst; expect the best; and take what comes.” -Hannah Arendt (Johanna ‘Hannah’ Arendt (1906 - 1975))
“It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.” -John Steinbeck (1902 - 1968)
“Every year of my life I grow more convinced that it is wisest and best to fix our attention on the beautiful and the good, and dwell as little as possible on the evil and the false.” -Richard Cecil
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” -Dennis Wholey
“Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.” -Maurice Setter
“There are in life as many aspects as attitudes towards it; and aspects change with attitudes . . . Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change in attitude.” -Katherine Mansfield (1888 - 1923)
“The word ‘lose’ simply stands for Lack Of Success Expectancy.” -Doug Firebaugh
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on Earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
“There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.” -Terence (Publius Terentius Afer (185 B.C.E. - 159 B.C.E.))
“Attitude, more than aptitude, will determine your altitude in life.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“Attitude is greatly shaped by influence and association.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“Be thine own palace, or the world’s thy jail.” -John Donne (1572 - 1631)
“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
“We don’t see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.” -Henry M. Tomlinson (1873 - 1958): “Out of Soundings” (1931), chapter 10
“Make it a practice to judge persons and things in the most favorable light at all times and under all circumstances.” -Vincent de Paul (1581 - 1660)
“Take charge of your attitude. Don’t let someone choose it for you.” -Author Unknown
“The quality of our expectations determines the quality of our actions.” -André Godin
“It’s all in the way you look at things.” -Norton Juster (born 1929)
“For success, attitude is equally as important as ability.” -Harry F. Banks
“A little bird is content with a little nest.” -Thomas Draxe (unknown - 1618)
“A healthy attitude is contagious but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.” -Author Unknown
“The world can change in an instant. So can the way you choose to see it. Why not choose to see the good in yourself and others?” -Bob Perks
“Your attitude is either the lock on, or the key to the door of success.” -Denis Waitley
“Live up to the highest you know in all things.” -Mildred Mann (1904 - 1971)
“Your mental attitude is something you can control outright and you must use self-discipline until you create a positive mental attitude - your mental attitude attracts to you everything that makes you what you are.” -Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970)
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)
“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Raymond Chandler (1888 - 1959)
“The most unknown, unused and unrecognized tool of the human mind, is the recognition that attitude is always a choice.” -Mark Horton
“I am responsible for my attitude. My attitude determines my actions.” -Author Unknown
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.” -William James (1842 - 1910): as attributed in Norman Vincent Peale: “The Power of Positive Thinking” (1952)
“A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before we changed.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . it’s a whole new ‘fun’ attitude . . .
A tongue twister is a group of words that gets your tang all tongueled up . . .
On Holidays and Fridays
Down the slippery slide they slid
Sitting slightly sideways;
Slipping swiftly, see them skid,
On holidays and Fridays.
by Author Unknown
Katie saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
News headline: Grin-Again Gang Gets Gung-Ho About Gladness.
An oyster met an oyster,
And they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters,
And they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk,
And they were oyster stew.
by Author Unknown
Six slippery snails suddenly slid seaward.
Tongue twisters consist of sequences of sounds, typically of an alliterative type (we will have more to say about that in our upcoming ‘Alliterations’ topic; suffice it to say for now that they are repeated sounds). Tongue twisters are difficult to pronounce quickly and correctly, as for example, ‘Matilda tied twine to three tree twigs.’ Tongue twisters can help students, actors, speakers, and other people develop their speech skills, and are used in speech therapy as an aid in helping people overcome stammers, stutters, lisps, and accents. To obtain the full benefit of a tongue twister, try to repeat it several times, as quickly as possible, without stumbling or mispronouncing the words. Remember, practice makes perfect.
A tiny tiger thinks tough thoughts.
Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
Betty Botter had some butter,
“But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter
would make my batter better.”
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So ’twas better that Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
by Carolyn Wells (1862 - 1942)
How many tweets could a tweeter tweet, if a tweeter could tweet tweets? A tweeter would tweet as many tweets as a tweeter could tweet, if a tweeter could tweet tweets.
There once was a man who had a sister, his name was Mr. Fister. Mr. Fister’s sister sold sea shells by the sea shore. Mr. Fister didn’t sell sea shells, he sold silk sheets. Mr. Fister told his sister that he sold six silk sheets to six sheiks. The sister of Mr. Fister said she sold six shells to six sheiks, too!
She Sells Sea-Shells
She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore;
The shells she sells are sea-shells, I’m sure,
For if she sells sea-shells on the sea-shore,
Then I’m sure she sells sea-shore shells.
by Terry Sullivan: “She Sells Sea-Shells” (1908), lyrics; music by Harry Gifford
The zany zoo’s zesty zebra zigzags with zeal.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Don’t say it with your mouth full!
by Author Unknown
Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid* will eat ivy too, now wouldn’t you?
* kid: a young goat.
“In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire hurricanes hardly ever happen.” -Author Unknown: “My Fair Lady” (25 December 1964), a movie musical based upon George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950): “Pygmalion” (16 October 1913)
Sally Swim and Sadie Slee
Sally Swim saw Sadie Slee
Slowly, sadly swinging.
“She seems sorrowful,” said she.
So she started singing.
Sadie smiled: soon swiftly swung;
Sitting straight, steered swiftly.
“So,” said Sally, “something sung
Scatters sunshine swiftly!”
by Author Unknown
Five fat friars furiously fanned flames for frying frogs’ legs.
Silly Sally’s Sheep
Silly Sally swiftly shooed
Seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack;
Sheep should sleep in a shed.
by Author Unknown
“Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop,” said the shiny sign.
Bust to Dust
A maid with a duster
Made a furious bluster
Dusting a bust in the hall.
When the bust it was dusted
The bust it was busted,
The bust it was dust, that’s all.
by Author Unknown
Sarah saw a shot-silk sash shop full of shot-silk sashes as the sunshine shone on the side of the shot-silk sash shop.
Shut the Shutter
“Go, my son, and shut the shutter,”
This I heard a mother utter.
“Shutter’s shut,” the boy did mutter,
“I can’t shut ’er any shutter.”
by Author Unknown
“Little by little and whittle by whittle the whittler whittled a little winged warbler of willow wood.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
In the movie “Singin’ in the Rain” (1 January 1952), voice coaches use tongue twisters to help silent film actors Don Lockwood (played by actor Gene Kelly) and Lina Lamont (played by actress Jean Hagen) learn proper diction so that they can make the transition from silent films to talkies (movies with sound) in 1920’s Hollywood. In the movie “My Fair Lady” (25 December 1964), phonetics Professor Henry Higgins (played by Rex Harrison), made use of the tongue twister “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” as an aid in training flower girl Eliza Doolittle (played by Audrey Hepburn) to speak without a Cockney accent and to speak like a proper English lady. In the movie “The King’s Speech” (6 September 2010), speech therapist Lionel Logue (played by actor Geoffrey Rush) trains Prince Albert, Duke of York, later to become King George VI (played by actor Colin Firth) to overcome his stammer using the tongue twister, “I have a sieve full of sifted thistles and a sieve full of unsifted thistles, because I am a thistle sifter,” so that he can make public speeches. These are examples, the first two fictional and the second based on actual historical events, in which tongue twisters were used to help people correct or change how they spoke.
How much myrtle would a wood turtle hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle? A wood turtle would hurdle as much myrtle as a wood turtle could hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle.
A Twister of Twists
A twister of twists once twisted a twist,
And the twist she was twisting
Was a three-twisted twist.
And in twisting this twist
She became entwisted -
Will you pray untwist
The three-twisted twist
In which the twister of twists is entwisted?
by Author Unknown
Say each number and letter aloud:
2 Y’s U R.
2 Y’s U B.
I C U R.
2 Y’s 4 me!
I wish I hadn’t washed this wristwatch.
I’ve washed all the wheels and works.
This wristwatch which was washed,
Oh, how it jumps and jerks!
by Author Unknown
Samuel said several slippery slithering snakes snickered snootily.
How many cookies could a good cook cook, if a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook would cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
How much wood
Would a woodchuck chuck,
If a woodchuck
Could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck
All the wood he could chuck,
If a woodchuck
Could chuck wood.
by Author Unknown
Rubber baby buggy bumpers. (Say it three times fast!)
The Smothers brothers’ father’s mother’s brothers are the Smothers brothers’ mother’s father’s other brothers.
“Proper prior planning prevents poor performance.” -Author Unknown
Bear and Boar
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar.
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
Of that boar that bored him on the moor,
And so one morn he bored the boar -
That boar will bore the bear no more!
by Author Unknown
Two tree toads tied together tried to trot to town twice.
(We’re thinking it must have been similar to one of those three-legged races humans have.)
Tongue twister: A thing distinctly hard to say, but harder still to do.
Six sly sailors sold seven slightly salted salmon.
Mr. See and Mr. Soar
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw
Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw,
See’s saw would not have sawed
So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See’s saw sawed
by Author Unknown
If you wanted to become the world’s foremost authority on tongue-twisters, how would you start, and then what would be your next step, and your next step after that? Could you find employment in the language or speech department of a university?
This meeting of the super-secret Society of Tongue Twisters Creators will come to order.
You’ve No Need to Light a Night-Light
You’ve no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light’s light’s a slight light,
And tonight’s a night that’s light.
When a night’s light, like tonight’s light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.
by Author Unknown
How many cans could a camel can if a camel could can cans?
A sporty tongue twister for athletes: Three free throws.
Tongue twisters can be used just for fun, yet tongue twisters can also be used to treat hiccups; aid in overcoming speech defects such as lisps and stuttering; test the fit of dentures; assist in screening applicants for positions as announcers and broadcasters; and reduce violence between people (as part of an overall effort at humor). It’s all said to be true!
“Martha makes marvelous muffins,” muttered Matthew.
“A pop-up blocker blocks bothersome pop-ups.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
The following is a diction test for would-be radio announcers, “To be read clearly, without mistakes, in less than 20 seconds.”
“I bought a bit of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits. Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits and mixed the big biscuits with the basket of biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a tin of sardines.”
-Author Unknown: as published in “Coronet Magazine” (August 1948)
Sometimes Cheryl thinks such lofty soft thoughts.
Eleven elves laughingly licked eleven little licorice lollipops.
Imagine if instead of ‘tongue twisters,’ they were called ‘tongue ticklers,’ and every time you tried to say one, you started laughing uncontrollably . . . what a wonderful world that would be!
Wandering Walter went to Wales to watch walruses.
Tongue twisters can help us to identify which letters and sounds in speech we need to practice more so that we can communicate clearly when speaking and sound polished when making speeches.
Do tell, do tongue twisters twist your tongue terribly? Anyone can make a tongue twister, no special skills required, so grab a pen and paper and make your very own personalized verbal calisthenics to get your tongue in great shape for your next speech, job interview, or poetry recital! Now we’re off to the next zany topic . . .
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “Anaconda Standard” (23 December 1900) newspaper of Montana, United States of America
Jack: How do you make an apple turnover?
Jill: Roll it down a hill, silly.
According to school tradition, for a period of more than 100 years in the 18th and 19th centuries, the prestigious Yale University (at the time a college) of New Haven, Connecticut, United States of America, served its students the same supper every night: apple pie.
Brenda: What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet?
Melinda: A tooty-fruity!
A city slicker was driving through the country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner how much his apples were. “All you can pick for one dollar,” said the orchard’s owner. “All right,” said the city slicker. “I’ll take two dollars’ worth.”
Apple Trees and Apples Facts
- Apple trees produce apples after four or five years of age.
- Most apple blossoms (flowers) are pink when they open but gradually fade to white.
- Apple trees typically blossom in the Spring, with the fruit maturing in the Autumn (Fall).
- Apples can be eaten raw and are used to make juice, cider, vinegar, applesauce, dried apple slices, and many types of desserts and snacks.
- Apple trees can live for more than one hundred years.
Jimmy: What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
Jeremy: An outboard apple. (Or an apple on a golf course.)
Apples come in a variety of colors, including lime green, golden yellow, burgundy, and chocolate brown.
Apple varieties range in size from a little larger than a cherry to as big as a grapefruit. The largest apple ever picked weighed 1.417 kilograms (3 pounds and 2 ounces).
Apple: A nutritious lunchtime dessert that children will trade for factory-made sugary cupcakes that some people say are a cause of obesity, diabetes, tooth decay, and nutritional deficiencies that lead to poor overall health.
The energy from about fifty apple tree leaves is needed to produce one apple. The apples harvested from an average tree can fill 20 bushel-size boxes that weigh 42 pounds each. A bushel of apples will yield 20 to 24 quarts of applesauce. About 36 apples make a gallon of apple cider. Two pounds of apples go into one 9-inch apple pie.
Daniel: If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in an orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs to do the same thing?
Samuel: None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
Apple trees can grow to be more than 12 meters (40 feet) tall, so orchard owners must buy or rent equipment that can reach those heights at harvest-time. To avoid the cost and complications that come with the equipment, apple orchard owners are starting to grow dwarf apple trees. Their shorter heights make it easier to prune the branches and harvest the apples. The moral of the story is that taller is not always better - often shorter is.
An Apple a Day
An apple a day
Sends the doctor away.
Apple in the morning,
Doctors take warning.
Roast apple at night,
Starves the doctor outright.
Eat an apple going to bed,
Knock a doctor on the head.
An apple each day, seven days a week,
Rosy apple, rosy cheek.
by Author Unknown
What are apple peels good for? The peels are a source of substances called ‘antioxidants.’ Antioxidants can help reduce the type of damage to cells that triggers some diseases. An average person’s daily requirement for fiber is 25 grams, and one apple has about five grams of fiber, two-thirds of which is found in the peel. Apples are a good source of the soluble fiber called pectin, which can help lower cholesterol levels.
Peach: When is an apple not an apple?
Plum: When it is a pineapple!
A persistent fear of apples is called malusdomesticaphobia. The word is derived from the scientific name for apples, ‘Malus domestica,’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ The apples are coming to get you! Sorry, we didn’t mean to frighten you. One way to lessen fear is to learn something about what you are fearful of - what would you like to know about apples? It is also possible for a fear of apples to originate with something a person associates with apples. For example, maybe a person was bullied as a child by someone who habitually ate apples, or maybe a person was brought up in extreme poverty, neglect, and abuse, with apples being one of the few available foods, and the person fears returning to live again that part of his or her past.
Lucinda: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
Lucille: It keeps everyone away!
The apple is commonly known as the supposed forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden. But contrary to this erroneous belief, there is no mention of the apple as the forbidden fruit in “The Bible.” The forbidden fruit mentioned in “The Bible” is referred to as the “fruit from the Tree of Knowledge,” with no specification as to which kind of fruit. It was Hugo Van Der Goes who first implicated the apple as the forbidden fruit in C.E. 1470 in his painting, “The Fall of Man.” After that, it became popular to depict the apple as the forbidden fruit. So, the apple is not the fruit that got Adam and Eve into trouble with God. People can confidently eat an apple without worrying that they are committing a transgression.
Bertha: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Bert: Finding only half a worm.
Eat an apple on going to bed,
And you’ll keep the doctor from earning his bread.
-Author Unknown: Pembrokeshire proverb as quoted in “Notes and Queries” (1866)
“Good apple pies are a considerable part of our domestic happiness.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)
Everybody likes apples! Animals that eat apples include horses, monkeys, squirrels, chimpanzees, bears, raccoons, rabbits, and your younger brother.
The world’s longest continuous length of apple peel was created by the then 16 years of age Kathy Wafler Madison on 16 October 1976 in Rochester, New York, United States of America. It was 52.5 meters (172 feet and 4 inches) long. She grew up to become a sales manager for an apple tree nursery.
Eat an Apple
Eat an apple;
Save the core.
Plant the seeds.
And grow some more.
by Author Unknown
Sweet, flavorful, crunchy, colorful apples are a great alternative to candy, chips, soda pop, and other processed, chemically-laden junk foods and junk beverages. An apple will provide you with energy, fill you up, and at about 84 percent water, will quench your thirst. Apples contain high levels of boron, which stimulates electrical activity in the brain, increasing mental alertness and improving memory. Apples may not be rich in calcium, but the high level of boron also makes them a great food to prevent osteoporosis and strengthen bones. Apples are fat-free, sodium-free, and cholesterol-free. A typical medium-size apple contains about 80 calories.
The ‘Adam’s apple’ is so-called because of a popular idea that it was created when the forbidden fruit got stuck in Adam’s throat when he swallowed it, causing a visible lump in the throat.
Inside every apple is a five-pointed star, somewhat resembling a pentagram in shape. If you want to see the star, ask a responsible grownup to cut an apple in half horizontally, or through its girth.
Torey: What is the difference between apples and worms?
Corey: Apple pies are more common than worm pies.
Apples have five seed pockets, or carpels that contains seeds. The number of seeds per carpel is determined by the vigor and health of the plant. Additionally, different varieties of apples can have different numbers of seeds. On average, apples each have 10 seeds.
A man traveling through the country stopped at a roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he commented that they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup.” The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.” “That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?”
Apples contain malic acid, a chemical used in some teeth whitening products, which helps dissolve stains. For more information about this, be sure to ask your dentist on your next visit to his or her office.
The saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” is derived from an old Welsh adage, “To eat an apple before going to bed, will make the doctor beg his bread.” While eating apples does not guarantee good health, they do have amazing nutritional value and recognized health benefits.
“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” -Martin Luther (1483 - 1546)
Commercial grade wax is applied to some apples after they are harvested and cleaned, in an effort to keep out bacteria and slow the ripening process. It also makes them shinier. The waxes are made of natural ingredients.
“Surely the apple is the noblest of fruits.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862): “Wild Apples” (1862)
Let’s consider liquefied apples. The difference between apple juice and apple cider is that apple juice is squeezed from only the usually white flesh of the fruit, while apple cider is squeezed from the whole apple - skin, seeds, stem, and all - which gives it a fuller body and deeper color. Additionally, apple juice is pasteurized, or flash heated to reduce the level of active naturally occurring microorganisms, and apple cider is generally not. Freshly pressed apple juice will immediately turn brown upon contact with air because of oxidation; however, a way to prevent this from happening is to add a few drops of lemon juice or lime juice to it, which helps prevent oxidation. One other liquid made from apples is apple cider vinegar, which is derived from the fermentation, or controlled spoilage, of apple mush. Apple cider vinegar is a brownish yellow color.
Apples for Sale! Apple varieties tend to have names chosen in hopes of making them commercially successful, just as other products have brand names. The ‘Delicious’ variety of apples originally was called ‘Hawkeyes.’ Without doubt, the name change makes them more appealing. There are thousands more varieties of apples with great names, including Gala, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith. Even the saying that ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’ might be just a clever way to promote apple-awareness without spending an arm and a leg on advertising.
“Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
Archeologists have found evidence that humans have been enjoying apples since at least 6500 B.C.E. Apple trees are thought to have originated in Central Asia between the Caspian Sea and the Black Sea, in the area of present-day Kazakhstan. The only apple variety native to North America is the crabapple. Other varieties of apples were brought to North America by European settlers, who planted orchards all across the continent. The first apple tree in the United States of America was planted in 1620 by pilgrims who traveled from Europe by sea to what was then the Massachusetts Bay Colony. In time, the early settlers would discover that hardy varieties of apples could be successfully grown farther north than most other fruits because apple trees blossom late in the Spring, minimizing any frost damage.
Johnny Appleseed was the nickname of John Chapman (1774 - 1845), an American pioneer who planted apple seeds in Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois.
Crab apples are small green apples with origins in North America. They are often just a little bigger than a cherry. They are not as popular for eating right off the tree as other varieties of apples are, because crab apples are bitter and tart in flavor and possess hardly any sweetness. However, they still grow wild in many areas, meaning they are often free for the taking. Crab apples can be used to make crab apple jelly for spreading on toast or used in fancy cuisine similar to the way mint jelly is used.
Martin: When is an apple a grouch?
Marvin: When it is a crab apple.
The word ‘apple’ is derived from the Old English word ‘aeppel.’ The Celtic word for ‘apple’ is the similar sounding ‘abhall.’
Granny Smith apples were originally cultivated in 1868 by Maria Ann Smith of Eastwood, New South Wales, Australia.
More than 7,500 varieties of apples are grown worldwide. The top apple-producing countries are China, the United States, Turkey, Poland, and Italy. The largest importers of apples are Russia, Germany, and the United Kingdom. Apples are available year-around in most areas thanks to bulk transport and climate-controlled warehouses. Apples can be shipped from orchards by truck, train, and cargo ship to warehouses where they are stored at low temperatures for as long as a year, and then the temperature is raised to cause them to ripen shortly before selling them to buyers.
A large shiny red apple is a traditional gift a student might bring to a teacher - and the student does not have to wait for Teacher Appreciation Day, also known as National Teacher Day, which is observed on the Tuesday of the first full week in May of each year. Rather than a single apple, why not give a teacher a full bushel size basket of apples?
There are so many apple varieties that if you were to eat an apple a day, it would take you more than 27 years to try them all - and still more new varieties of apples are produced every year.
About 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States, including 100 varieties that are grown commercially. Apples are grown in all 50 states and commercially in 36 states. The top apple producing states are Washington, New York, Michigan, Pennsylvania, California, and Virginia. Red Delicious is the most popular and most-produced apple in the United States, and Golden Delicious is the second most popular, with Granny Smith coming in third. The apple is the state fruit of Illinois, Minnesota, New York, Vermont, Washington, and West Virginia.
Some people claim that apples have a rosy aroma because they come from the Rose family, which is also known as ‘Rosaceae’ or ‘Rosacea.’
- How are apples harvested, or gathered?
- What are five uses for apples?
- Can you name two animals that eat apples?
Bobbing for apples at parties is possible because fresh apples are twenty-five percent air, making them buoyant. Buoyant means they float in water.
It is said that the custom of ‘apple polishing’ hails from the little red schoolhouses of yore, when young children whose math skills were less than exemplary sought to win their teacher’s favor instead with a bright, shiny apple. Remember this ditty: An apple for the teacher will always do the trick, when you don’t know your lesson in arithmetic.
Apples Quiz Answers
- Apples are harvested by hand-picking them off the trees, although machines that shake trees to cause the apples to fall to nets or tarps placed below the trees can be used.
- Uses for apples include making cider, juice, vinegar, pies, and snacks.
- Two animals that eat apples are horses and rabbits (and many other animals as well).
“Everybody’s 12 years old in an apple orchard.” -Rachael Ray (Rachael Domenica Ray (born 1968))
Crunch, crunch - mmm! Now that’s a good apple. More fun continues below . . . or you can join the stampede of people going out to get apples . . .
At the end of the day, you can take your catch home . . . with full bragging rights.
Grace and her grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his grandmother. “No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” she said. “He’s not an earthworm.” “He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
When I go fishing
I’m always wishing
Some fish will be my prize;
But while I’m fishing,
The fish are wishing
And all the wishes
Of all the fishes
Seem always to come true;
So all my wishes
To catch some fishes
by Author Unknown
“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” -Author Unknown
One way to tell the age of a fish is by looking at its scales. Fish have growth rings just as trees do. The growth rings on fish are called circuli, and clusters of circuli are called annuli. Each annuli marks one year of life in a fish. Somewhere out there might be somebody who knows what all of this means.
“Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.” -Author Unknown
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle, and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. “Oh, yes,” he said. “They’re my friends.” “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here.” “Yes, sir,” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” -Doug Larson (1902 - 1981)
“Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he’ll eat for weeks!” -Toshihiro Kawabata
A fitful young fisher named Fisher
Once fished for some fish in a fissure,
Till a fish, with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in -
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher!
by Author Unknown
“The fishing was good, it was the catching that was bad.” -A. K. Best
“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.” -Zenna Schaffer
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Seven - and you should have seen the size of that light bulb. It was this long . . . Seven of us were almost not enough; we could barely handle it!
Fishing has been around for a long time. The oldest fishhook found so far dates back to about 42,000 years ago. Do you think the fish were any bigger back then?
“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. ‘Where were you?’ ‘I got caught!’ ‘I don’t believe you, let me see the inside of your lip.’” -Mitch Hedberg
“Give a man a fish, and it will feed him for a day; give a man a fishing rod, and he will sell it for more fish, or burn it for firewood.” -Jon Culshaw
A five-year-old boy had gone fishing with his grandmother. After an hour or so, his grandmother asked him, “Are you having any luck?” He replied indignantly, “No, I don’t think my worm is really trying.”
James: What do you call a couple who go fishing together?
Elijah: Rod and Annette.
Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who was always talking about the giant fish he almost caught. One day he took his two sons, Toward and Away, fishing with him. That night, he returned more excited than ever. “Honey,” he yelled to his wife, “you should have seen the fish I saw today. A tremendous green fish, ten feet long, with horns and fur all over its back. It came crawling out of the water, snatched our son Toward, and swallowed him in one gulp!” “Good gracious!” exclaimed his wife. “That’s horrible!” “Oh, that was nothing,” said her husband. “You should have seen the one that got Away!”
A fisherman accidentally dropped his wallet into the water, and was amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their heads and tossing it from one fish to another. “Golly,” said the fisherman, “that’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.” (pun on ‘wall-to-wall carpeting’)
Why not make fishing a family affair?
“Caution is a most valuable asset in fishing, especially if you are a fish.” -Author Unknown
“Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat.” -Author Unknown
Fish can be frozen, canned, and smoked to build a stockpile of food for the winter season.
“The first rule of fishing: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.” -Author Unknown
Give a man a fish, and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he has to buy fishing licenses, park passes, rods, reels, fishing lines, hooks, tackle boxes, lures, spinners, sinkers, bobbers, nets, bait, knives, hats, fishing vests, fish finders, depth sounders, boats, outboard motors, gas cans, trailers, global positioning systems, ice chests, bags of ice, waders, buckets, sunglasses, sunscreen lotions, first aid kits, floatation vests, sandwiches, beverages, fishing pliers, cameras, binoculars, weight scales, tape measures, folding chairs, a 4-wheel drive vehicle, bumper stickers, ropes . . . did we forget anything?
“A fishing rod is a stick with a hook at one end and a fool at the other.” -Samuel Johnson
The Good Lord Sends the Fishing
Sitting still and wishing
Made no person great;
The good Lord sends the fishing,
But you must dig the bait.
by Author Unknown
To catch a Swedish fish . . . use a gummy worm. (A ‘Swedish fish’ is a candy.)
“Let your hook be always cast, for a fish lurks even in the most unlikely waters.” -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso)
The Fishing Pole
A fishing pole’s a curious thing,
It’s made of just a stick and string;
A boy at one end and a wish,
And on the other end a fish.
by Mary Caroline Davies
“The fish does not go after the hook, but after the bait.” -Author Unknown: Czech proverb
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they will not bother you for weeks.
“Most of the world is covered by water. A fisherman’s job is simple: Pick out the best parts.” -Charles Waterman
“Fish: An underwater creature that grows fastest between when it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.” -Author Unknown
“Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley.” -Ann Landers
Bret: How do you get your little sister to find so many worms for you when you want to go fishing?
Bert: Oh, that’s easy. Out of every ten she digs up, I let her have one to eat.
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Unless he doesn’t like sushi - then you also have to teach him to cook.” -Auren Hoffman
Kel: Are you fishing?
Cal: No, just teaching worms to swim.
“When you fall into a river, you are no longer an angler, you are a swimmer.” -Author Unknown
One, two, three, four, five,
I caught a fish alive.
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
I let him go again!
Why did I let him go?
Because he bit my finger so.
Which finger did he bite?
The little one on the right.
by Author Unknown
A man went ice fishing. He took out an ice pick and began to hack away. He heard a voice from above say, “There are no fish there.” He went to another spot and started to pick away. Again came the voice: “There are no fish there, either.” He tried a third spot. Once more he heard the voice from above - “Nope. Not there, either.” Finally, the man grew a little nervous, so he looked up and asked, “Are you God?” The voice from above boomed, “No, I’m the arena manager.”
“Fishing gives you a sense of where you fit in the scheme of things - your place in the Universe . . . I, mean, here I am, one small guy with a fishing pole on this vast beach and out there in the blue expanse of ocean are hundreds of millions of fish . . . all of them laughing at me . . .” -Author Unknown
“The early angler catches the best fishing spot.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows on it. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman, and said, “Only caught one, eh?”
“Net income: The money a fisherman earns.” -Author Unknown
Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. “We should mark the spot,” he said. The other fisherman drew a large ‘X’ in the bottom of the boat with a black felt-tip marker. “That’s no good,” said the first fisherman. “Next time out we might not get the same boat.”
“All men are equal before fish.” -Herbert Hoover
“Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will stop bothering you.” -Author Unknown
S’pose the fish don’t bite at fust,
What be yew goin’ tur dew?
Chuck down yewr pole, throw out yewr bait
An’ say yewr fishin’s threw?
Uv course yew hain’t; yew’re goin’ tur fish,
An’ fish, an’ fish, an’ wait
Until yew’ve ketched yewr baskit full,
An’ used up all yewr bait.
S’pose success don’t come at fust,
What be yew goin’ tur dew?
Throw up the sponge an’ kick yewrself,
An’ go tur feelin’ blew?
Uv course yew hain’t; yew’re goin’ tur fish,
An’ bait, an’ bait agin’;
Bimeby success will bite yewr hook,
An’ yew will pull him in.
by Harry N. Dascomb
Fishing and Anglers Quiz
- What other creatures besides fishes can be caught with a rod and reel?
- How are freshly caught fishes cleaned and prepared before cooking?
- How much does a fishing license cost in your area?
“An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “Irish News”
That Fish Was Just Too Fussy
I said to a fish in a lake
“I have worms, peas, and chocolate cake.
Would you care for a bite?”
Said the fish, “I just might,
But I think it would be a mistake.”
by John Ciardi
“The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope.” -John Buchan
“The two best times to fish is when it’s rainin’ and when it ain’t.” -Patrick F. McManus
Could you catch fish, and sell them to luckless anglers who caught nothing, or to local restaurants, hotels, and grocers?
“Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.” -Author Unknown
“When I’m tired and can’t sleep, I count fish instead of sheep.” -Author Unknown
“Give a lazy person a fish and he will eat it. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and sleep all day.” -Author Unknown
This is MFOL! . . . Now we had all better get to bed early so we can get up early to get the best fishing spot early tomorrow morning to catch the food called fish . . .
“Magic is all around, you just have to believe.” -Author Unknown
“The art of a magician is to create wonder. If we all live with a sense of wonder, our lives will become filled with joy.” -The Great Doug Henning
In 1799, Count de Grisley became the first magician to perform the trick of sawing a woman in half, and ever since then, women everywhere have been eagerly lining up to be sawed in half . . . or maybe not . . .
First Magician: What happened to the saw-a-woman-in-half act you used to do?
Second Magician: My assistant left me - she moved to New York and Los Angeles.
- Hot potato, jump-rope, kick-the-can!
- Parsley, peas, potatoes!
- Presto, change-o!
- Many magicians create their own magic phrases, and so can you.
Boris: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
Doris: He had just washed his hare and could not do anything with it.
The word ‘abracadra’ may have originated from the Aramaic phrase ‘avra kehdabra’ meaning ‘I will create as I speak.’
Howie: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Howard: That is one trick they do not know - and besides, that is why they have assistants!
A Magician from Vermont
A magician who came from Vermont
Sawed a woman in half for a stunt.
When she mildly asked whether
He would put her together,
He replied, “I’ve decided I won’t.”
by Author Unknown
“Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
One technique for creating funny magic words is to ask for audience participation. Would someone please name a color? Would someone please name an animal? Would someone please name a food? Then you combine their answers, which might make something silly, such as, “Purple elephant pie!” which you use as the ‘magic words’ during your show.
Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.
Famous Magic Tricks
- Pulling a coin out from behind someone’s ear.
- Making a person or an object disappear and then reappear.
- Cutting something in half or destroying it and then making it reappear whole and undamaged, as for example, money or a handkerchief.
- Levitating (floating) someone or something.
- Can you think of other magic tricks?
A magician was driving down a road when, Poof! . . . he turned into a parking lot.
Just as there are silent movies with musical accompaniment, there are magicians who perform without speaking, sometimes with dramatic music played during their shows or even a person who stands offstage or a short distance from the magician’s side and narrates, or describes what is happening, during the show, by reading from a memorized or printed prepared script.
“Magic is a secret, and without the secret there is no magic.” -Author Unknown
“Magic exists. Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of the wind and the silence of the stars? Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic. It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live.” -Nora Roberts: “Charmed” (1993)
“I had loved magic tricks from the time I was six or seven. I bought books on magic. I did magic acts for my parents and their friends. I was aiming for show business from early days, and magic was the poor man’s way of getting in: you buy a trick for $2, and you’ve got an act.” -Steve Martin: “Time Magazine” (24 August 1987)
“Perform as many times as you can in front of people you don’t know.” -Lance Burton, advice to those who would be magicians
Camilla: You know, I have half a mind to become a professional magician.
Pamela: That should do.
One way to make yourself and your magic show memorable is to do something that is unusual, different, or unique. For example, maybe you could use fruit such as apples, oranges, and bananas in your act. Make a piece of fruit disappear and reappear, and then toss it to a member of the audience. Make a piece of fruit levitate, and then throw it to someone in your audience. You could have someone dressed in a gorilla costume as your assistant. Instead of pulling a live rabbit or a toy rabbit out of a hat, you could pull balloon animals out of your hat and then hand them to children in the audience. Put your imagination to work!
“We do not need magic to change the world. We carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.” -J. K. Rowling (born 1966): in a speech (2008) to Harvard Alumni Association
If you were going to pull a rabbit out of a hat, would you wave a magic wand . . . or would you entice the rabbit by waving a bright orange carrot?
“Spring animals are fake animals that are often used by magicians, clowns, comedians, and other entertainers. They can be made to appear very realistic with practice. The basic construction of the animal is of a spring wrapped in either real or artificial animal fur. Different colored fur is used for different spring animals.” -Greg McMahan
Whether you are an amateur or a professional magician, you must consider safety before doing any magic. You might develop a safety checklist to go over before each show. You would probably want to avoid using fire and flames and heat to avoid injuries to yourself, your assistant, any living creatures used in your act, and your audience members, and to avoid costly damage to your equipment or the building in which you are doing your show. If you use live animals, you will want to have the telephone number of more than one veterinarian in case an animal becomes sick or injured. You will likely want to either exercise caution or even completely avoid using anything with a sharp edge that could injure someone, including breakable glass and knives. Once you are certain everything is safe, get the show started and have fun!
A magician seeking to have his act booked at Radio City Music Hall asserted, “I’ve got a trick that will panic them.” “What is it?” asked the manager. “I saw a woman in half,” announced the magician proudly. “You call that a new trick?” scoffed the manager. “Why, they’ve been doing that around here for years.” “Oh, yeah,” snapped the magician. “How about lengthwise?”
Ask for a volunteer from the audience. Tell the person to take a coin from his or her pocket and hold it up in a closed fist so that you cannot see the date on the coin, and announce that you are going to tell everyone the date. Then, you say today’s date, which might be, for example, something like, “It’s Saturday, April 30, 2021,” even though the actual date on the coin might be something like just the year 1983. This is usually good for a laugh from the audience.
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, “And what does your father do?” “Oh, he’s a magician,” replied Johnny. “Really - and what’s his best trick?” “His best trick is sawing people in half.” “Wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher. “Tell me, are there any more children in your family?” “Yes ma’am, I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.”
Magicians and their magic acts are the center of their shows; however, magicians may have assistants. A magician’s assistant often does not speak during the magic acts, but stands by quietly and helps with the props or becomes a prop in the act, as when he or she is made to disappear, is sawed in half, or is levitated. Sometimes magicians encourage audience participation by asking people to be part of a magic act or to provide simple props such as coins or bills. While these audience members may seem to be randomly chosen people who are like everyone else in the audience, they actually may be friends or people the magician met with before the show and practiced the act with to be sure everything goes as planned.
Marlene: Why did illusionist Harry Houdini spend hours at the gym?
Arlene: He wanted to be fit to be tied.
If you did the old magic trick of sawing a lady in half, and you put the top half together with another lady, what you’d have is a ‘gallon a half’ . . . quite possibly that joke needs a little more work . . .
Magicians We Have Yet to See
- Cheery Houdini . . . the clown-magician.
- Dairy Houdini . . . the magic moo-cow.
- Fairy Houdini . . . does sprightly winged magic.
- Hairy Houdini . . . the magic monkey with a human assistant.
- Harry Linguini . . . the pasta chef magician.
- Harry Whoodini . . . the magician who gives a hoot like an owl.
- Hippie Houdini . . . does groovy magic with peace and love, man.
- Santa Houdini . . . arrives in a magic flying sleigh and pulls Christmas toys from a magic sack.
- Scary Houdini . . . shows up at your door on Halloween and makes your candy magically disappear.
“As a magician I promise never to reveal the secret of any illusion to a non-magician, unless that one swears to uphold the Magician’s Oath in turn. I promise never to perform any illusion for any non-magician without first practicing the effect until I can perform it well enough to maintain the illusion of magic.” -Author Unknown: Magician’s Oath
Allison: What does a martial arts magician say?
Allie: Jitsu-judo-karate . . . chop!
“You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its glow I saw the past, the present, and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, lightning bugs, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in dewdrops. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it disciplined out, washed out, and combed out. We are told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up for goodness’ sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they had allowed to wither in themselves. After you go so far away from it, though, you can never really get it all back. You can get seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it is because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the harsh sunlight of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they are left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust twirling in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a coyote howling in the distance and wonder what it might be saying, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.” -Author Unknown
In addition to their costumes, magicians have ‘props’ that they use in their magic acts. Typical props might be a deck of playing cards, a small lightweight table with a tablecloth, several colored handkerchiefs, rabbits, birds, large coins, and specially made items for tricks.
“Cats are magical . . . the more you pet them, the longer you both live.” -Author Unknown (We suspect that some sneaky cat slipped that line in here, because it is not exactly relevant to this topic.)
Famous People Who Started Out As Magicians
- Bob Barker
- Milton Berle
- Bill Bixby
- Johnny Carson
- Dick Cavett
- Charles Dickens
- Cary Grant
- Jerry Lewis
- Steve Martin
- Jimmy Stewart
- Dick Van Dyke
- How about you?
Martin: Have you heard about the magician who fell through the floorboards in the middle of his performance?
Marvin: Yes, but it is all right - he was just ‘going through a stage.’
A magician’s costume is commonly a top hat, a magic wand, and a set of clothes meant to help hold the audience’s attention through the use of eye-catching colors, quaint old-fashionedness, or an exotic appearance. A magician’s clothes may have many hidden pockets sewn into them. Some magicians also wear capes, false mustaches, false eyebrows, false beards, face paint, and other theatrical effects.
The most accomplished female magician in the world is Dorothy Dietrich. She performs regularly at the Houdini Museum in Scranton, Pennsylvania, United States of America. She is also a ‘debunker,’ or someone who exposes lies, deceptions, and false ideas.
“A little magic can take you a long way.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “James and the Giant Peach” (1961)
People who learn to do magic in front of an audience also learn showmanship: timing, quick comebacks, appropriateness and inappropriateness of certain language, and the skill of continuing on even when things go wrong.
Whenever something goes wrong in your magic show, just tell your audience, “That is just how I planned it!” Pause, and continue on to your next trick.
Attempts have been made to link performance magic, or magic tricks, to occultism, but this is a misuse of magic by occultists to try to make their occult beliefs appealing to people, and thereby draw people into occultism. Performance magic stands on its own and is not to be confused with occultism.
Double or Nothing Magic Trick. Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer. Then ask them for a dollar bill. Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”
“Shazam!” is a magic acronymic word created from Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Mercury, and it is said to invoke their powers. An acronym is a word created typically by combining the first letter in each word in a phrase or list.
Magic: Sleight of hand.
Why pull a rabbit out a hat when you could pull out something such as another hat, a cat, a chicken, a duck, a fish, a skunk, a slice of pizza, a snake, or a teddy bear. What else might you pull out of a magic hat?
“That’s the thing with magic. You’ve got to know it’s still here, all around us, or it just stays invisible for you.” -Charles de Lint
Some magic wands are hollow inside to conceal handkerchiefs, powders that produce puffs like smoke but without fire or flames, or shiny colorful glitter. Magic wands can be made from rolled-up sheets of paper or wood or plastic sticks. Magicians typically wave their magic wands or tap other props such as their magic hats atop their heads, while saying magic words such as, “Abrakadabra alakazam, let’s hope it goes as planned!”
“Everything is made out of magic: leaves and trees, flowers and birds, badgers and foxes, and squirrels and people. So it must be all around us. In this garden - in all the places.” -Frances Hodgson Burnett (1849 - 1924): “The Secret Garden” (1911)
What do magicians have in common with clowns, actors, musicians, and authors? Like the aforementioned folks, most professional, part-time, and amateur magicians have stage names, or names that they use in association with their magic acts, often in conjunction with somewhat exaggerated descriptive words about their acts and personas. Their stage names include words such ‘the Great’ or ‘the Amazing.’ So, if you are Jimmy O’Reilly in your private life, you might take up your hat, wand, and cape to become ‘Jacob the Fantastical Wizard of Illusion and Master of Magical Mayhem’ or if you are Sarah Sumner in your personal life, you might grab your rabbits, doves, baby chicks, and artificial flowers to become ‘the Astounding Animal Acts and Flying Floral Arrangements of Mrs. Priscilla Piccadilly’ (any resemblance to persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental). Even the magical Harry Houdini had a real name: Erich Weiss (born Erik Weisz and also known as Harry Weiss and possibly by other names (1874 - 1926)).
“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “The Minpins” (1990)
This is MFOL! . . . all it takes is a little magic . . . and as for our next act, we will be doing even more silly fun stuff . . .
Sunny yellow optimism cookies, or gloomy blue-gray pessimism cookies . . . if only all decisions in life were so easy to make!
Elvis: What kind of cookies do birds like?
Priscilla: Chocolate-chirp cookies.
“In the cookie of life, friends are the sweet chocolate chips.” -Author Unknown
The American word ‘cookie’ comes from the Dutch word ‘koekjes,’ which came from the Dutch word ‘koek’ meaning ‘cake.’ ‘Cookie’ was introduced into the English language in the early eighteenth century. It is thought the term caught on in early America because of the evident Dutch presence. The British call cookies ‘small cakes,’ ‘sea biscuits,’ or ‘tea cakes.’
Victoria: Why was the little cookie sad?
Flora: Because its mom had been a wafer so long.
Tough cookie, noun: 1. Someone with just the right mixture of sweetness and strength. 2. Someone who does not crumble under pressure.
I am making cookie dough
Round and round the beaters go
Add some flour from a cup
Stir and stir the batter up
Roll them, cut them nice and neat
Put them on a cookie sheet
Bake them, count them - one, two, three
Serve them to my friends for tea.*
by Author Unknown
*‘Tea’ is this instance refers not merely to the beverage, but to ‘teatime,’ the time traditionally set aside each day in many places for partaking in tea and sometimes edibles such as cookies.
“I just figured if I was going to make the world a better place, I’d do it with cookies.” -Ana Pascal: “Stranger than Fiction” (10 November 2006); type of work: movie
Cookies baked in a muffin tray will not spread out and stick together, and may be fluffier.
Let us all return to a kinder, gentler, simpler time . . . a time of milk and cookies!
Overheard: I went to dunk my cookie in a glass of milk . . . and I fell right in! Good thing the cookie fell in with me . . . crunch, crunch . . . glug, glug . . . mmm-mmm, yummy!
George: What kind of snack do little monkeys like with milk?
Geoffrey: Chocolate-chimp cookies.
Stir the dough and roll it flat
Then cut cookies just like that
Into the oven, watch them go
They must bake a while, you know
When they’re brown and nicely done
We’ll have cookies for everyone!
by Author Unknown
No-Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies, just as the name suggests, need no baking. For the recipe, please visit our activities page by clicking on the link here: https://www.makefunoflife.net/activities.
Penny: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Penelope: Because it was feeling crumby.
Cookie: A method for converting sugar, flour, and butter into body fat.
Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe for Engineers and Scientists
□ 532.35 cm3 gluten
□ 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
□ 4.9 cm3 refined halite
□ 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
□ 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
□ 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
□ 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
□ Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein units
□ 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
□ 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium before serving.
by Steve Strunk
We are trying really hard to remember . . . what is it Moses, Noah, or Job who led the Canaanites to the land of milk and cookies?
- Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Fortune Cookies
- Ginger Snaps
- Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
- Peanut Butter Cookies
- Sandwich Cookies
- Sugar Cookies
- Vanilla Wafers
Can you think of other types of cookies?
Image shown above is from “A Field Guide to Animal Crackers” by Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Animal Crackers are cookies that were imported to the United States of America from England in the late 1800’s. Barnum’s Circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on Christmas trees.
Animal crackers, and cocoa to drink,
That is the finest of suppers, I think;
When I’m grown up and can have what I please
I think I shall always insist upon these.
What do you choose when you’re offered a treat?
When Mother says, “What would you like best to eat?”
Is it waffles and syrup, or cinnamon toast?
It’s cocoa and animals that I love most!
The kitchen’s the cosiest place that I know:
The kettle is singing, the stove is aglow,
And there in the twilight, how jolly to see
The cocoa and animals waiting for me.
by Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): “Chimneysmoke” (1921)
National Animal Crackers Day is observed on 18 April of each year.
If the folks at ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ made the “Sesame Street” television show . . .
Scene: Bert and Ernie are seeing Oscar the Grouch for the first time, as Mr. Grouch suddenly pops up out of a garbage can, and Bert points at him.
Bert: Hey, Ernie, is that a cookie over there?
Ernie: Gee, I don’t know, Bert. Let’s dunk it in a glass of milk and find out!
Just then, Cookie Monster appears and says: Cookie?!
Oscar the Grouch makes a surprised shriek and disappears back into the garbage can. Bert, Ernie, and Cookie Monster all laugh.
Cut to next scene: The actual producers of “Sesame Street” are shown taking out a restraining order against the folks at ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
This is MFOL! . . . the search for funny continues . . . along with milk and cookies . . .
Now, everybody hold still while we try to figure out how to work the camera . . . hey, where did the pig run off to this time?
Marvin: Why are barns so noisy?
Martin: Because all the cows have horns.
Sun is coming up
Farmer’s out the door,
He will go to milk the cows,
And start his daily chores.
Sun is going down
Horse is in the stable,
All the fields are planted now,
Supper’s on the table.
by Author Unknown
Young man, age 26, with 350 acres of farmland, would like to meet charming, intelligent young lady with tractor. Please send picture of tractor.
Farming and Farmers Facts
- Most of the plants and animals on farms are ‘domesticated’ rather than wild or natural.
- Domesticated plants and animals are ones that have been developed with specific traits in mind, such as rapid growth, hardiness, and high yield.
- Many different types of farms exist, including family farms, corporate farms, pig farms, fish farms, dairy farms . . . and for those with limited space, ant farms.
Joey: How do you spell farm?
A man owned a small farm. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.” “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board.” “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “There’s a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him five dollars a week and give him a day off once every ten years.” “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!” “You’re talkin’ to him now,” said the farmer.
“When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the founders of human civilization.” -Daniel Webster: remarks on the Agriculture of England at the Boston, Massachusetts State House (13 January 1840)
Pearl: What runs around a farm without moving?
Earl: A fence.
Farming and Farmers Wisdom
- Rise before the Sun and go to bed when the chickens do.
- Fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
- An agitated bumblebee is considerably faster than a tractor.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
- After a bad harvest, sow again.
- There is talking and there is doing, and it isn’t the talking that gets the work done.
Gilbert: What does a farmer grow if he works very hard?
After running over a rooster that had been crossing the road, a motorist stopped his car at a nearby farmhouse to find the chicken’s owner. Seeing the farmer, the motorist rushed over to him and said, “I’m very, very sorry. I’ve just run over your rooster, but I want you to know that I’m prepared to replace him.” “Alright,” said the farmer, “let’s hear you crow.”
“If one plants in the Springtime, one will harvest in the Fall.” -Author Unknown
Wally: Why did the farmer not become upset with his wife when she traded their prize milk-cow for a book of poetry?
Walter: Because he had vowed to love her for butter or for verse.
An efficient farmer can make use of every part of a pig, even the ears, which can become chew toys for dogs and the feet, which can become pickled pigs’ feet - in fact, a farmer can make good use of every part of a pig - except for the squeal.
Farm Animal Roll Call
Baa-baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for your sweater, and one for your rug . . .
One for your blanket that keeps you warm and snug.
Cluck-cluck red hen, have you any eggs?
Yes sir, yes sir, as many as your legs.
One for your breakfast, and one for your lunch.
Come back tomorrow; I’ll have another bunch.
Moo-moo brown cow, have you milk for me?
Yes sir, yes sir, tasty as can be.
Churn it into butter or make it into cheese.
Freeze it into ice cream or drink it if you please.
Buzz-buzz busy bee, is your honey sweet?
Yes sir, yes sir, sweet enough to eat.
Honey on your muffin and honey on your cake.
Honey by the spoonful as much as I can make.
by Author Unknown
A farmer who was much troubled by trespassers during the nutting season consulted his botanical friend. The botanist furnished him with the technical name of the hazelnut, and the farmer placed the following notice at conspicuous points: Trespassers Take Warning! All Persons Entering This Wood Do So At Their Own Risk, For Although Common Snakes Are Not Found, The Corylus Avellana Abounds Everywhere, And Never Gives Warning Of Its Presence. The place was undisturbed after that, and the farmer gathered his crops of hazelnuts in peace.
To the Farm!
Horses, donkeys, cows that moo,
Chickens, kittens, piglets too,
Fish that swim down in the pond,
Ducklings quacking all day long.
All these animals you can see
If you go to the farm with me!
by Author Unknown
Meanwhile, back at the farm, the chickens had completely surrounded the strange looking beast . . . when suddenly it grunted, “Hey, I’m trying to take a nap here!”
“Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from a cornfield.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower (Dwight David 'Ike' Eisenhower (1890 - 1969))
All Around the Barnyard
All around the barnyard
The animals are fast asleep.
Sleeping cows and horses,
Sleeping pigs and sheep.
Here comes the cocky rooster,
To sound his daily alarm.
Wake up, sleepy farm!”
by Author Unknown
“Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven’t planted.” -David Bly
Marty: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
Martha: Because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
“It is a rule of nature that taking a day off on a farm sets a person back at least a week.” -Jane Hamilton: “A Map of the World” (1994), Chapter Eleven
Cybil: What is the best kind of beans to raise on a farm?
“If you tickle the Earth with a hoe she laughs with a harvest.” -Douglas Jerrold (Douglas William Jerrold (1803 - 1857))
Barry: If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?
Manny: An umbrella.
“What do you raise on this farm?” the big-city lawyer asked. “Cotton, corn, lima beans, and other things,” the farmer answered. “It must keep you pretty busy. What time do you go to work in the morning?” asked the lawyer. “I don’t go to work,” the farmer said. “I wake up surrounded by it.”
Chuck: What is green and yellow, ploughs fields, harvests corn, and pulls a trailer load of hay?
Hank: A John Deere tractor!
When you visit the John Deere Company website at www.Deere.com to see their lineup of tractors, mowers, earthmovers, and other equipment for your needs, please be sure to tell them you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
Pinky: What has five fingers and drives a tractor?
Thumb: A farm hand.
“Agriculture is the earliest and most honorable of arts.” -Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712 - 1778)
“And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
We’re Going to the Farm
We’re going to the farm . . .
We’ll see the chickens and the ducks,
We’ll hear the quacks and all the clucks!
We’ll ride a big tractor, and feed a tall horse,
But the best will be the goats, of course!!!
by Hilary Martin
“Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.” -Edgar W. Howe (Edgar Watson ‘Ed’ Howe, also known as E. W. Howe (1853 - 1937))
A farmer’s son was returning home from the chicken show at the county fair, with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the crate fell off the cart and broke open. Chickens scurried off in all different directions, but the determined boy walked through the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home, expecting the worst. “Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.” “Well, you did real well, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”
“To own a bit of ground, to scratch it with a hoe, to plant seeds, and watch the renewal of life - this is the commonest delight of the race, the most satisfactory thing a man can do.” -Charles Dudley Warner (1829 - 1900)
A farmer was counting his cows when they were all out grazing in the field. He counted 196, but when he ‘rounded them up,’ he had 200.
The Giving Farm
Hens give eggs.
Pigs give ham.
Cows give milk.
Strawberries give jam.
Bees give honey.
Goats give cheese.
Farms give food,
I’d like some, please.
by Vicki Witcher
A magical tractor was driving down the road - and it turned into a field!
Jacob: Why was the farmer surprised when he found cucumbers growing out of his ears?
Jake: Because he had planted carrots.
“No farmer ever plowed a field by turning it over in his mind.” -George E. Woodbury (George Edward Woodbury (1855 - 1930))
“You must plow with such Oxen as you have.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 5968
“When the Sun shineth*, make hay.” -John Heywood (1497 - 1580): “A Dialogue of Proverbs” (1546)
*shineth: archaic form of ‘shines.’
“It is thus with farming, if you do one thing late, you will be late in all your work.” -Cato the Elder (Marcus Porcius Cato (233 B.C.E. - 148 B.C.E.))
“My father asserted that there was no better place to bring up a family than in a rural environment . . . There’s something about getting up at 5 a.m., feeding the stock and chickens, and milking a couple of cows before breakfast that gives you a lifelong respect for the price of butter and eggs.” -Burton Hillis (pseudonym of William Edward ‘Bill’ Vaughan (1915 - 1977))
We plough the fields and scatter
The good seeds on the land,
But it is fed and watered
By God’s almighty hand.
-Jane Montgomery Campbell (1817 - 1878): “We Plough the Fields, and Scatter” (1861) hymn
“He gave it for his opinion, that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.” -Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745)
feathered and red
pecking round for scraps of bread.
fierce and white
thinks his rope is much too tight.
soft and shy
peeking out with one brown eye.
black and lean
crouching so he won’t be seen.
muddy and stout
trying hard to wriggle out.
by Gail Gregory
Math Problem: If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in another field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
Solution: One, because if the farmer combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
Well, the farmers are plain tuckered out from all this silliness. It is time to hit the sack so we can be up before the Sun to milk the chickens and see if the cows laid any eggs. Oink! Moo! Baa! Goodnight, all!
It turns out that real men actually can do real housecleaning . . . when they have an admiring audience . . .
“The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they’d never clean anything.” -Dave Barry (David McAlister ‘Dave’ Barry (born 1947))
Dorothy Parker was a writer and a humorist who led a very busy life. One day she was foolish enough to accept two baby alligators as a gift. She brought them home, ran a little water in the bathtub, and put them there until she could decide what to do with them. The next day, the cleaning woman came by while Parker was out. When Parker returned that evening, she found the house uncleaned and this note: “Dear Madam, I am leaving. I cannot work in a house with alligators. I would have told you this before, but I never thought the subject would come up.”
“Twenty-one percent of people do not make their beds in morning.” -Author Unknown
“I’ve been thinking it over, I mean,”
Said a child to her girl-friend Irene,
“It’s a shame and a crime,
After all this long time,
No one’s built a bed-making machine.”
by Author Unknown
Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
Overheard: A clean house is a happy house!
“I keep a bowl of plastic fruit on the table in case a couple of mannequins drop in for a visit.” -Author Unknown
Thank God for dirty dishes,
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We’ve eaten very well.
With home, health, and happiness;
I shouldn’t want to fuss.
By the stack of evidence,
God’s been very good to us.
by Author Unknown
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” -Roseanne Barr (Roseanne Cherrie Barr (born 1952))
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.” -Joan Rivers (pseudonym of Joan Alexandra Molinsky (1933 - 2014)): as quoted in Michèle Brown and Ann O’Connor, editors: “Woman Talk” (1984), ‘Work’
“Cleaning: Moving dirt from one place to another.” -Author Unknown
Why is there a light in the refrigerator and not in the freezer? Why do home refrigerators not have windows in the doors so people can look inside them without opening the doors?
“My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it.” -Dottie Archibald (Dorothy Bales ‘Dottie’ Archibald (born 1942))
I’m really determined and keen
To start giving this house a Spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I’ll do it today . . .
Well, I’ll do it tomorrow, I mean.
by Author Unknown
“Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.” -Author Unknown
A woman admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening her husband returned home from work, walked into the kitchen, and said, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.” The woman turned to him and sweetly replied, “Well, darling, that’s why I married a college graduate.”
Fred: Why do refrigerators hum?
Ginger: Because they do not know the words.
“A new broom sweeps clean, but the old one knows the corners.” -Author Unknown
When Young Melissa Sweeps
When young Melissa sweeps a room
I vow she dances with the broom!
She curtsies in a corner brightly
And leads her partner forth politely.
Then up and down in jigs and reels,
With gold dust flying at their heels,
They caper. With a whirl or two
They make the wainscot shine like new;
They waltz beside the hearth, and quick
It brightens, shabby brick by brick.
A gay gavotte across the floor,
A Highland fling from door to door,
And every crack and corner’s clean
Enough to suit a dainty queen.
If ever you are full of gloom,
Just watch Melissa sweep a room!
by Nancy Byrd Turner (1880 - 1971)
“Housework is like stringing beads with no knot on the end.” -Author Unknown
“The washing of dishes does seem to me the most absurd and unsatisfactory business that I ever undertook. If, when once washed, they would remain clean forever and ever (which they ought in all reason to do, considering how much trouble it is), there would be less occasion to grumble; but no sooner is it done, than it requires to be done again. On the whole, I have come to the resolution not to use more than one dish at each meal.” -Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804 - 1864)
“Please Do Not Feed The Dust Bunnies.” -Author Unknown
Dust bunnies are magical. Santa’s elves make them at the North Pole during the off-season, and they are then delivered to people’s homes by the other little people: fairies, gnomes, pixies, leprechauns, and so forth, just in time for Spring cleaning.
“A house becomes a home when you can write, ‘I love you’ on the furniture.” -Author Unknown: “Dust If You Must”
Please be a dear
And do your dish here
For if you do not
The house will be wrought
With people disgusted
By the mess that’s displayed
And hence are not able
To dine at the table
For lack of clean dishes
Restricts their good wishes.
by Author Unknown
“Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.” -Author Unknown
“There were times, indeed, when the vigor she put into her work was more of a relief to her feelings than it was an ardor to efface dirt . . .” -Eleanor H. Porter (Eleanor Emily Hodgman Porter (1868 - 1920)): “Pollyanna” (1912)
Amathophobia is a persistent fear of dust. Amathophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘amathos’ meaning ‘sand’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’
“Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.” -Mario Buatta (1935 - 2018)
Ivy: What do you call a pretty woman using a broom?
Ivan: Sweeping beauty.
“The meal’s complete when the kitchen’s neat.” -Author Unknown
“There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.” -Quentin Crisp (Denis Charles Pratt (1908 - 1999))
“Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.” -Anne Gibbons
“Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don’t do it.” -Author Unknown
Don’t overlook any available tongues when cleaning. Cats and dogs and other pets can lick clean food surfaces such as plates and floors; children can lick clean mixing spoons and eggbeaters.
“You sometimes see a woman who would have made a Joan of Arc in another century and climate, threshing herself to pieces over all the mean worry of housekeeping.” -Rudyard Kipling (Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936))
“I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It’s amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor.” -D. H. Lawrence (David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930))
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” -Erma Bombeck (Erma Louise Bombeck (1927 - 1996))
“The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.” -Agatha Christie (Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie (1890 - 1976))
“You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.” -Cecil Baxter (Cecil Richard Baxter (1922 - 2014))
“When it comes to housework, the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why.” -Katharine Whitehorn (Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928)): “Roundabout” (1962), ‘Nought for Homework’
Overheard: I got a new dishwasher today . . . I don’t know how long she will want the job.
If the shelves are dusty and the pots don’t shine,
It’s because I have better things to do with my time.
“The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.” -Author Unknown
“There may be dust in my house but there isn’t any on me.” -Author Unknown
“Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
What I Like
I like hugs
And I like kisses,
But what I really love
Is help with the dishes!
by Author Unknown
Overheard: When it comes to house cleaning, I always keep the nuclear option open.
Scrub and polish, - sweep and clean, -
Fling your windows wide!
See, the trees are clad in green!
Coax the Spring inside!
Home, be shining fair to-day
For the guest whose name is May!
by Louise Bennett Weaver (Louise Bennett Weaver George (1889 - 1949)) and Helen Cowles LeCron (1886 - 1963): “A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband with Bettina’s Best Recipes” (1917)
“Are you an untidy or forgetful housekeeper? Just remember this simple saying, ‘ABC - Always Be Cleaning.’” -Author Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” -Phyllis Diller (pseudonym of Phyllis Ada Driver (1917 - 2012)): as quoted in Jilly Cooper and Tom Hartman: “Violets and Vinegar” (1980), ‘I Liked You Better Smaller’
Well, housecleanin’ time is with us once more;
And, landsakes alive, it’s an awful chore!
What with scrubbin’, rubbin’, and washin’ paint,
It’s not any picnic; you bet it ain’t! . . .
For it has to be done each Spring and Fall:
The attic and cellar, bedrooms and hall.
Each room, in its order, gives up its dirt,
Till I am weary and my back does hurt!
by Gertrude Tooley Buckingham (born 1880) (1940’s)
“My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.” -Bette Midler (born 1945)
“This business is ‘really cleaning up’!” -Author Unknown: owner of a successful cleaning service
“I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on the sofa than sweep underneath it. But you have to be efficient if you’re going to be lazy.” -Shirley Conran (born 1932): “Superwoman” (1975), ‘The Reason Why’
“At my house, ‘dust’ is a noun, not a verb.” -Author Unknown
“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” -Marcelene Cox
“I think housework is the reason most women go to the office!” -Heloise Cruse (Ponce Kiah Marchelle Heloise Cruse Evans (born 1951))
“This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, ‘Honey, do this,’ and ‘Honey, do that,’ around the house.” -Jim Lemon (James Robert ‘Jim’ Lemon (1928 - 2006))
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” -A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956))
Overheard: I avoid cleaning my house because I get easily distracted by all of the interesting things I keep finding.
Ethan: Did you hear about the man who crossed a bale of straw with an octopus?
Ethel: Yes, he got a broom with eight handles.
“Housekeeping ain’t no joke.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888): “Little Women” (1868), part 1, chapter 11; line spoken by cook Hannah
“Always turn out your closet light. Otherwise, you’ll get up some morning and find you can’t start your closet.” -Charles Schulz (Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz (1922 - 2000))
“An efficient homemaker is one who, after dinner, gives the children something to play with in the bathtub, namely, the dinner dishes!” -Author Unknown
“A place for everything, and everything in its place.” -Author Unknown: proverb
May the very lightness of your being have you walking on air . . . as you ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ each and every day . . .
People who have looked into the future say that while we might think it would be exciting, it is actually pretty boring, because in the future, many problems have been solved, and very few new problems have been found to take their place . . . how can humankind possibly be happy with fewer problems to solve?
What Lies Ahead?
I wish, I wish that I could know
The places I have yet to go,
The ways I’ll change, the things I’ll do,
The special dreams I’ll make come true,
I wish, I wish that I could see
The life that lies ahead of me.
by Author Unknown
All right, who is ready for the future? Good, then let us get started!
“By the year 1975, people will be shot from city to city across the country in tubes.” -Edward Everett Hale (1822 - 1909) (1899)
Watch Your Step
The future lies before you,
Like a field of driven snow,
Be careful how you tread it,
For every step will show.
by Author Unknown
“We must discipline ourselves to convert dreams into plans, and plans into goals, and goals into those small daily activities that will lead us, one sure step at a time, toward a better future.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009)): “Five Major Pieces to the Life Puzzle” (1991)
“A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “New York Times” (1936) newspaper
“Your future is as bright as your faith!” -Thomas S. Monson (Thomas Spencer Monson (1927 - 2018))
“It looks like the future’s really bright.” -Michael P. Anderson (Michael Philip Anderson (1959 - 2003))
“Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.” -Thomas Edison (Thomas Alva Edison (1847 - 1931)) (1889)
“By the year 2000, amid general plenty, politics will simply fade away.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983)) (1966)
“The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt (Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)): “The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1944 - 1945” (1950), page 616
“I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.” -H. G. Wells (Herbert George Wells (1866 - 1946)) (1901)
“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacriﬁce, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places - and there are so many - where people have behaved magniﬁcently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an inﬁnite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in deﬁance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.” -Howard Zinn (1922 - 2010): “A Power Governments Cannot Suppress” (1 December 2006), page 270
“In the year 3000, everything will be instant.” -Dane Cook (Dane Jeffrey Cook (born 1972))
“The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.” -Bill Watterson (William Boyd ‘Bill’ Watterson II (born 1958)): “Calvin & Hobbes” (1985) cartoon
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” -Unidentified Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service; Fred Smith went on to found the Federal Express Corporation
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.” -John Sladek (John Thomas Sladek (1937 -2000))
“Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality in ten years.” -Alex Lewyt (Alexander M. Lewyt (1908 - 1988)): as quoted in the “New York Times” (1955) newspaper
“The future is not what it used to be.” -Paul Valéry (1871 - 1945)
“The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine.” -Ernest Rutherford (1871 - 1937), shortly after the atom had been split for the first time.
“We have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future. All we can do is use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.” -Christopher ‘Chris’ Walken (born Ronald ‘Ronnie’ Walken (born 1943))
“The world potential market for copying machines is 5,000 at most.” -Author Unknown: statement of International Business Machines (1959), to the eventual founders of Xerox
“The future is not laid out on a track. It is something that we can decide, and to the extent that we do not violate any known laws of the Universe, we can probably make it work the way that we want to.” -Alan Kay (Alan Curtis Kay (born 1940)): in his paper ‘Inventing the Future,’ as published in Patrick Henry Winston and Karen Prendergast, editors: “The AI Business: The Commercial Uses of Artificial Intelligence” (1984)
“The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.” -Charlie Chaplin (Charles Spencer ‘Charlie’ Chaplin (1889 - 1977)) (1916)
“You create a good future by creating a good present.” -Eckhart Tolle (born Ulrich Leonard Tölle (born 1948))
“Law will be simplified. Lawyers will have diminished, and their fees will have been vastly curtailed.” -Junius Henri Browne (1833 - 1902) (1893), predictions he made for over the next century
“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” -William Allen White (1868 - 1944)
We are now living in the future, so where are the flying cars the futurists promised us all those years ago . . . it seems we have no choice but to build them ourselves!
“The future lies hidden in the past, waiting for us to uncover it, quite as surely as history repeats itself.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” -Spencer Silver (Spencer Ferguson Silver (born 1941)): on the work that led to the unique adhesive used in 3-M ‘Post-It’ notepads
“My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.” -Elaine Maxwell
“Inventions have long since reached their limit, and I see no hope for further development.” -Julius Sextus Frontinus (1st century C.E.)
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” -Charles H. Duell (Charles Holland Duell (1850 - 1920)) (1899)
“If you take no part in the design of your future, it will be designed for you by others.” -Edward de Bono (born 1933)
“The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)
“When the Paris Exhibition closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” -Erasmus Wilson (William James Erasmus Wilson (1809 - 1884)) (1878)
“The best way to suppose what may come, is to remember what is past.” -George Savile (1633 - 1695): “Political, Moral, and Miscellaneous Thoughts and Reflections” (1750), ‘Miscellaneous: Experience’
“The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.” -Unidentified Aide-de-camp (1916), speaking to Field Marshal Haig at a tank demonstration
“When all else is lost, the future still remains.” -Christian Nestell Bovée (1820 - 1904)
“X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” -Lord Kelvin (William Thomson (1824 - 1907)) (1883)
“Cease to inquire what the future has in store, and take as a gift whatever the day brings forth.” -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)): “Carmina,” book I, number 9, line 13
“Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.” -Mary Somerville (1897 - 1963) (1948)
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” -Peter F. Drucker (Peter Ferdinand Drucker (1909 - 2005))
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction” -Pierre Pachet (1937 - 2016) (1872)
“I have seen the future and it’s like the present, only longer.” -Dan Quisenberry (Daniel Raymond ‘Quiz’ Quisenberry (1953 - 1998))
“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” -Author Unknown: response to Arthur Jones, who solved the ‘unsolvable’ problem by inventing Nautilus
“We could use up all the proven reserves of oil in the entire world by the end of the next decade.” -Jimmy Carter (James Earl Carter, Junior (born 1924)) (18 April 1977), televised speech
“The future is made of the same stuff as the present.” -Simone Weil (Simone Adolphine Weil (1909 - 1943))
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?” -Unidentified Associates (1921) of David Sarnoff, responding to his urging for investment in radio
“Coming events cast their shadows before.” -Thomas Campbell (1777 - 1844): “Lochiel’s Warning” (1802), line 56; type of work: poem
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” -Unidentified Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall (1957)
“Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.” -Roger Babson (1875 - 1967)
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” -Irving Fisher: speech (16 October 1929) to the Purchasing Agents Association, 5 days before the stock market crash leading into the Great Depression Era
“The future has a habit of suddenly and dramatically becoming the present.” -Roger Babson (1875 - 1967)
“There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television, or radio service inside the United States.” -T. Craven (Tunis Augustus Macdonough Craven, also known as T. A. M. Craven (1893 - 1972)) (1961); the first commercial communications satellite went into service in 1965
“The future’s already here - it just isn’t evenly distributed.” -William Gibson (William Ford Gibson (born 1948))
“Fifty years hence automobile traffic will have entirely disappeared from the surface thoroughfares of New York City, and people will be shot through tubes like merchandise.” -Harvey W. Corbett (Harvey Wiley Corbett (1873 - 1954)): as attributed in “The American Institute of Architects” (1925)
“Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Matthew,’ chapter 6, verse 34
“To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the Moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to Earth - all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.” -Lee de Forest (born Lee DeForest (1873 - 1961)) (1926)
“The future you shall know when it has come; before then forget it.” -Aeschylus (about 525 B.C.E. - about 456 B.C.E.)
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” -Author Unknown: Western Union internal memo (1876)
Your Future Is Up to You
What does your future hold?
Some things new and some things old,
Some things lead and some things gold.
All will be determined, it can be foretold,
Whether, as this passing moment does unfold,
You choose to be timid or decide to be bold.
by Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“But what . . . is it good for?” -Unidentified Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of International Business Machines (1968), commenting on the microchip
“The trouble with the future is that it usually arrives before we are ready for it.” -Arnold H. Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998))
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” -Ken Olson (1977), president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, maker of mainframe computers, arguing against the personal computer
“Our futures are formed by the thoughts we hold most often.” -Wayne Dyer (Wayne Walter Dyer (born 1940))
“The danger of the past was that men became slaves. The danger of the future is that man may become robots.” -Erich Fromm (1900 - 1980)
“The future will soon be a thing of the past.” -George Carlin (George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 - 2008)): “Napalm and Silly Putty” (2001), page 260
“Men might as well project a voyage to the Moon as attempt to employ steam navigation against the stormy North Atlantic Ocean.” -Dionysius Lardner (1793 - 1859)
At the beginning of this topic, we mentioned that there will be fewer problems remaining to be solved in the future, and how, in order to be happy, people need problems to solve. There is good news about this: Folks in the future, upon finding that few problems remain to be solved, will decide that they will all share the remaining problems and work on them together, so that there will still be some happiness to go around for all the folks . . . isn’t that nice?
“Do your duty and a little more and the future will take care of itself.” -Andrew Carnegie (1835 - 1919)
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)): as quoted in Leonard C. Schlup and Donald W. Whisenhunt: “It Seems to Me: Selected Letters of Eleanor Roosevelt” (2001), page 2
“Your future depends on many things, but mostly you.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)
This is MFOL! . . . and here comes the future . . . wow, it sure is moving fast . . . it just flew right by us . . . and now it is the gone into the past . . . wait, here it comes again . . . see if you can grab onto it this time!
“Gardening and laughing are two of the best things in life you can do to promote good health and a sense of well-being.” -David Hobson (David M. Hobson): “Diary of a Mad Gardener” (2000)
“Gardening adds years to your life and life to your years.” -Author Unknown
“Growing your own food is like printing your own money.” -Ron Finley (2013)
I’m a Gardener
I’m a gardener and I’m okay;
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing,
And hang around with slugs.
Oh, I’m happy in the garden,
With dirt and plants and bugs!
by Author Unknown: sung to the same tune as that of Monty Python’s “I’m a Lumberjack” (14 December 1969)
“Our vegetable garden is coming along well, with radishes and beans up, and we are less worried about revolution than we used to be.” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985))
“A garden is always a series of losses set against a few triumphs, like life itself.” -May Sarton (pseudonym of Eleanore Marie Sarton (1912 - 1995))
The very first secret to having a great garden is the soil, not the plants. Mix into the soil large amounts of organic materials, such as leaves, grass clippings, broken up or chopped up twigs, and kitchen waste to nourish the plants.
Rosemary: Do you know about the woman who planted an herb garden?
Cinnamon: Yes, I heard she is having the thyme of her life!
“True gardeners never cease to garden, not even in their sleep, because gardening is not just something they do. It is how they live.” -Vigen Guroian (born 1948), author website www.Guroian.com
“God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done.” -Author Unknown
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle-shells,
And pretty maids all of a row.
by Author Unknown
“What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
- Backyard garden
- Community garden
- English garden
- Flower garden
- Herb garden
- Rose garden
- Salad garden
- Tea garden
- Vegetable garden
- Wildflower garden
What type of garden would you like to have?
“In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” -Margaret Atwood (born 1939)
Signs of Gardening
- Watch Out For Snap Dragons!
- Cultivate Lasting Friendships In A Garden
- Do Not Let The Little Things Bug You!
- Free Weeds - Pick Your Own
- Gardeners Have The Best Dirt
- Grow Happy In A Garden
- How’s It Growing?
- So Many Weeds . . . So Little Thyme
- Sow Seeds Of Kindness
“I have never had so many good ideas day after day as when I worked in a garden.” -John Erskine
The kiss of the Sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God’s Heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on Earth.
by Dorothy Frances Gurney (Dorothy Frances Blomfield Gurney (1858 - 1932)): “Poems” (1913), ‘God’s Garden’
“Plant the garden of your life with friendship’s lovely flowers.” -Author Unknown
You can grow your own salad in a space-efficient garden made of rain gutters. How about a nice cup of tea? Yes, you can grow your own tea, too! And herbs for cooking, and strawberries for dessert . . . and lots more! (Small plants work best, and be sure to use a drill or a hammer and a nail to make a few holes in the bottom of each rain gutter for water drainage.)
“When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.” -Author Unknown
Garden of Love
(A Gardener’s Valentine)
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You’re such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You’ve been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We’d make a perfect Pear.
Now, something’s sure to Turnip,
To prove you can’t be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let’s let our Tulips meet.
Don’t Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato’s eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I’ll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I’ll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.
by Author Unknown
“When all the chores are done, the avid gardener will invent new ones.” -Author Unknown
Gardener’s Palindrome: Mr. Owl ate my metal worm. (A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same both forward and backward.)
What are weeds good for? Pull them up with their roots, before they have grown flowers or seeds, let them dry in the sun, chop them up, and mix them with soil to provide nutrients for the non-weed plants.
“What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.” -Charles Dudley Warner (1829 - 1900): “My Summer in a Garden” (1870), ‘Third Week’
“A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.” -Doug Larson (1902 - 1981)
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?
by Paul Curtis
Dirt + Seeds + Water + Sun = Weeds.
Lou: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
Lulu: Take away his shovel!
“No Garden is without its Weeds.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 3576
Whether you need wild flower bulbs to grow flowers around your front door, tomato seeds for your container vegetable garden, Gala apple tree seedlings for your side yard or orchard, ladybugs for natural pest control, or any of many different varieties of plants and gardening supplies, please visit www.Gurneys.com - and be sure to tell them you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net. Have you ever considered giving someone seeds or a tree or other plant as a gift?
Gardening: A person’s efforts to improve their lot.
Gruesome tomatoes in my garden - would you care for some?
“The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden.” -Ray D. Everson (Raymond D. ‘Ray’ Everson (1884 - 1960))
Barney: What kind of jokes do gardeners tell?
Bernard: Corny ones!
And when your back stops aching and your hands begin to harden,
You will find yourself a partner in the Glory of the Garden.
-Rudyard Kipling (Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)): “The Glory of the Garden” (1923)
“He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” -Basil (C.E. 330 - C.E. 379)
“There’s little risk in becoming overly proud of one’s garden, because by its very nature, it is humbling. It has a way of keeping you on your knees.” -JoAnn Barwick
“New gardeners learn by trowel and error.” -Author Unknown
“There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments.” -Janet Kilburn Phillips
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!
“Hoeing: A manual method of severing roots from stems of newly planted flowers and vegetables.” -Henry Beard (Henry Nichols Beard (born 1945))
“Every garden may have some weeds.” -Author Unknown: English proverb
Fern: What do you call an avid gardener?
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” -Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)
“All the flowers and fruit of tomorrow are in the seeds of today.” -Author Unknown
I have a little garden, I scratch it with a hoe
I happily plant the seeds and happily watch them grow.
Kelly: Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Nellie: Because they ‘cantaloupe.’
“Half the interest of a garden is the constant exercise of the imagination.” -Alice Morse Earle (1851 - 1911)
“If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden, four of them will be easy to find.” -Mike Garofalo (Michael Peter Garofalo (born 1946)): “Pulling Onions” (May 2007)
“Though an old man, I am but a young gardener.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
“All gardeners live in beautiful places because they make them so.” -Joseph Joubert (1754 - 1824), as quoted in Paul Auster, translator: “The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert” (1883)
“Give weeds an inch, and they’ll soon take a yard.” -Author Unknown
Holly: Who says, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”
Ivy: A gardener laughing at your jokes.
“Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.” -Dave Barry (born 1947)
“Gardening: A leisure activity that is much activity and little leisure.” -Author Unknown
“To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 -1993)
Inch by inch and row by row,
I’m gonna make this garden grow.
“Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008))
“Maybe a person’s time would be as well spent raising food as raising money to buy food.” -Frank A. Clark (Frank Atherton Clark (1911 - 1991))
“My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant’s point of view.” -H. Fred Dale (H. Frederick Dale (1924 - 1994))
“You must have a garden. Wherever you are.” -Patricia MacLachlan (Patricia ‘Patty’ MacLachlan (born 1938)): “Sarah, Plain and Tall” (1985)
This is MFOL! . . . the most down-to-earth people we know grow their food for thought in a vegetable garden . . .
Never stop looking up . . .
“We can’t all be stars, but we can all sparkle.” -Author Unknown
What are stars? Stars are massive spheres, or balls, of very hot burning gases, called plasma, held together by their own gravity. Most stars contain mostly hydrogen, with small amounts of helium. Some stars have tiny amounts of other elements as well.
“At night, an enormous blanket is put over the Earth to keep it warm. The blanket is very old and worn out, and so it has many tiny holes in it. The holes where the Sun’s light comes through are called stars.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Stars form in nebulas, which are large gaseous areas of space. As gravity attracts and condenses more and more gas into clusters, young stars called protostars start to form.
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
Stars radiate energy created from nuclear fusion, which is a process that takes place in a star’s core and involves hydrogen fusing, or burning, to make helium. Once nuclear fusion has begun in the core, a star is sufficiently fueled to spend the majority of its life as a main sequence star, or twinkly thing, in its most stable form.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
Held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
You look small ’cause you’re so far.
As you burn through constant fusion,
Your twinkle’s just an optical illusion
That happens when your light gets near,
Distorted by our atmosphere.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
Spreading light and heat so far.
As you use up fuel you’ll grow,
And give off a scarlet glow.
Maybe you’ll go supernova
Exploding elements all over.
Now I know just what you are,
And I know I’m made of stars.
by Author Unknown: parody of “The Star” (1806) by Jane Taylor
“Even a small star shines in the darkness.” -Author Unknown: Finnish proverb
A brown dwarf forms if a star does not become hot enough to reach nuclear fusion. While a brown dwarf has failed to become a proper star, it is not a planet because it does glow dimly.
“There are stars called white dwarfs and red giants . . . but, alas, no jelly donuts.” -Author Unknown
The most common stars are red dwarfs. They are less than half the size and mass of our Sun, and burn their fuel very slowly. Red dwarfs last longer than any other type of star, at more than 100 billion years. They are cooler than most stars, and so shine less, eventually growing dimmer.
“We are made of stardust. Every atom of every element in your body except for hydrogen has been manufactured inside stars, scattered across the Universe in great stellar explosions, and recycled to become part of you.” -John Gribbin (John R. Gribbin (born 1946)): “Stardust” (10 September 2000)
When smaller stars such as red dwarfs or red giants use up all of their fuel and nuclear fusion slows, they start to die, and become small white dwarf stars, which emit white light until they finally darken into black dwarfs.
“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems . . . But all these stars are silent. You - you alone, will have stars as no one else has them . . .” -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Antoine Marie Jean-Baptiste Roger (1900 - 1944))
A dwarf star is so dense that it would take eight people to lift a teaspoonful of its matter. As yellow dwarf stars like our Sun start to run out of hydrogen fuel, the core shrinks, heats, and pushes out the rest of the star, turning it into a red giant.
Wish Upon a Star
Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have this wish I wish tonight.
by Author Unknown
Red supergiants, such as Betelgeuse in the constellation Orion, make our Sun look small, having 20 times its mass, and being 1,000 times bigger in size. Red hypergiants, such as the largest known star, VY Canis Majoris, are even bigger, at more than 1,800 times the size of our Sun.
“It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.” -Author Unknown
Big stars like supergiants and hypergiants have shorter lives because they consume their fuel at a faster rate than smaller stars. As these massive stars die, they explode into massive bright supernovas.
“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four hundred billion stars in the sky, but when you say the paint is wet they have to touch it themselves to find out?” -Author Unknown
Star matter blown apart in supernova explosions forms new stellar nebula, and the process of making stars begins all over again.
“Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything; they must just look on forever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it is.” -J. M. Barrie (James Matthew Barrie (1860 - 1937)): “Peter Pan” (????)
Very heavy stars that go supernova can actually turn into black holes, while other supernovas leave behind white neutron stars that are 20 to 40 kilometers (12.5 to 25 miles) in diameter and have dense cores made of neutrons.
Riddle: I shine high in the sky - what am I?
Solution: I am a star.
As a star approaches the end of its life, it begins to change the helium into heavier chemical elements, such as carbon and oxygen, and the star will begin to change its color, density, mass, and size.
“With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.” -Kurt Vonnegut, Junior (1922 - 2007): “The Sirens of Titan” (1959), type of work: novel; line spoken by fictional character Ransom K. Ferm (printed as Ransom K. Fern in some instances)
Astronomers . . . mapping the way to future homeworlds for humanity . . .
An ancient astronomer stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun had gone. In the morning, it finally dawned on him.
Stars range in color depending on how hot they are. In order from lowest to highest temperature, they can be brown, red, orange, yellow, white, or blue in color.
“Stars have always helped me to get things into perspective . . . I tried to let the starlight heal something deep in me that hurt.” -Madeleine L’Engle (Madeleine L’Engle Camp (1918 - 2007))
Stars are often between 1 and 10 billion years old. Some stars may even be close to the age of the observed Universe, at nearly 13.8 billion years old.
There are more stars in the Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of the world. We know this because we have been traveling the world’s beaches with a pencil, a notebook, and a magnifying glass, counting all of the itsy-bitsy granules of sand . . . if you see us out there, be sure to say hello!
The stars are tiny daisies high,
Opening and shutting in the sky.
The daisies are the stars below,
Twinkling and sparkling as they grow.
by Authors Unknown
Each galaxy contains hundreds of billions of stars and there are estimated to be more than 100 billion galaxies in the Universe. The total number of stars in the Universe is mind boggling, estimated to be at least 70 sextillion and possibly as high as 300 sextillion, which is 300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
“Put three grains of sand inside a vast cathedral, and the cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than space is with stars.” -James Jeans (James Hopwood Jeans (1877 - 1946)): as attributed in Laurence J. Peter’s “Peter’s Quotations: Ideas for Our Time” (1993)
Our Milky Way Galaxy is an area in space crowded with lots of stars - so many that it resembles a road of spilled milk. That is how it got its name! There are estimated to be somewhere between 200 and 400 billion stars in the Milky Way.
Galaxies are speeding away from Earth at 90,000 miles per second. What do you suppose they know that we don’t?
The light emitted by 200,000 galaxies makes our Universe a shade of beige. Scientists call the color ‘cosmic latte.’ Of course, if a scientist is up late at night looking at stars, it might be because he or she is highly caffeinated.
“There they stand, the innumerable stars, shining in order like a living hymn, written in light.” -Nathaniel Parker Willis (1806 - 1867)
The light from stars takes millions of years to reach Earth, so when you look at the stars, you are literally looking back in time.
“The stars are not so strange as the mind that studies them, analyzes their light, and measures their distances.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick (1878 - 1969): “On Being a Real Person” (1943)
While a clear night sky may appear to be full of stars, there are really only about 2,000 to 3,000 stars visible to the unaided eye, meaning without the use of a telescope. These stars are all either close to the Earth or intensely luminous, meaning very bright, like yourself.
Visiting an observatory, the backwoods man watched the astronomer look through his telescope. Just then a star fell. “Wow-weee!” exclaimed the man. “You sure are a great shot!”
Stars only appear to twinkle because we see them through the Earth’s atmosphere. Stars shine at an unblinking steady state, but atmospheric disturbances called eddies, which we experience as slight breezes and winds, make stars look sparkly.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. We know this because we spend a lot of time hanging out at the bottom of old wells and chimneys . . .
At an average distance of just 149,597,870 kilometers (92,955,807 miles), the nearest star to Earth is a yellow dwarf star called the Sun. The next nearest star to Earth is a red dwarf star called Proxima Centauri, also known as Alpha Centauri C. It was discovered in 1915 by Scottish astronomer Robert Innes while he was working at the Union Observatory in Johannesburg, South Africa. It is about 39.9 trillion kilometers (24.79 trillion miles) or 4.25 light years away. Light from this star reaches Earth in 4.25 years. A spacecraft using the newest, fastest propulsion systems would take about 75,000 years to get there.
Arnold: Did you know there’s a star called the Dog Star?
Owen: Are you Sirius?
Binary stars and multi-star systems are made up of two or more stars that are gravitationally linked, so that they orbit around each other.
“There wouldn’t be a sky full of stars if we were all meant to wish on the same one.” -Frances Clark (Frances Mary Clark (1860 - 1958))
A comet is a relatively small solar system body that orbits the Sun. When close enough to the Sun, comets display a visible coma, which is a fuzzy outline or atmosphere due to solar radiation, and sometimes also a tail.
When asked about flying saucers, the astronomer replied, “No comet.”
Asteroids are small solar system bodies that orbit the Sun. Made of rock and metal, they can also contain organic compounds. Asteroids are similar to comets but do not have a visible coma (fuzzy outline and tail) like comets do.
Telescope: A device for bringing the sky closer.
A meteoroid is a small rock or particle of debris in our solar system. They range in size from dust to around 10 meters in diameter. Larger objects are usually referred to as asteroids.
Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
No - it’s just a satellite!
by Author Unknown
So-called ‘shooting stars’ and ‘falling stars’ are not actually stars, but are meteors. A meteoroid that burns up as it passes through the Earth’s atmosphere is known as a meteor. A meteoroid that survives falling through the Earth’s atmosphere and colliding with the Earth’s surface is known as a meteorite.
The odds of anyone being struck by a meteorite are said to be ‘astronomical.’
When You Wish Upon a Star
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.
If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment
of their secret longing.
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.
If your heart is in your dreams
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.
When you wish upon a star
Your dream comes true.
by Jesse McCartney
Stars have played a very important role throughout human history. They have formed a part of religious practices, been grouped into constellations, used in astrological star signs, helped to design calendars, and were very important navigational tools for early explorations across lands and seas.
“Silently, one by one in the infinite meadows of Heaven, blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of angels.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
If you would like to keep up-to-date on the goings on in a whole Universe of stars, click on the link www.stardate.org.
Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.
Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.
-Pamela Vaull Starr (pseudonym of Violet Isabelle (Carter) Popp (1909 - 1993))
At ‘MFOL!’ we think stars are, like, so stellar . . . and far out, too! Yeah, we know, we’re kinda weird sometimes . . . now go have fun with your life!
“Even wallflowers bloom.” -Author Unknown
“There is a shyness about me, and I really need to get out more.” -Priscilla Presley (Priscilla Ann Presley (born 1945))
“What the word shyness basically refers to is if someone is worried about how he or she appears to other people.” -Wanda Bethea
“Shyness displays itself differently in me. I think it’s more an awkwardness.” -Daniel Radcliffe
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” -Stephen King (Stephen Edwin King (born 1947))
“If you want to do something big in your life, you must remember that shyness is only in the mind. If you think shy, you act shy. If you think confidant, you act confidant. Therefore, never let shyness conquer your mind.” -Arfa Karim Randhawa (Arfa Abdul Karim Randhawa (1995 - 2012))
“You know what my greatest personal stumbling block is? My shyness.” -Susan Lucci (Susan Victoria Lucci (born 1946))
“I like parties, but I’m shy, and I often find myself standing around, feeling awkward.” -Michael Bergin (Michael John Bergin (born 1969))
What is shyness? Shyness is a feeling of extreme discomfort and intense inhibition in social situations, preventing an individual from participating in interpersonal interactions and relationships. The physical symptoms of shyness can include blushing, sweating, rapid heartbeat, trembling or shaking, difficulty speaking, and upset stomach. Shy individuals feel insecure about themselves, have huge concerns about how others view them, and have a strong tendency to withdraw from and avoid social situations.
“I am quite shy and people think I’m aloof.” -Kristen Stewart (Kristen Jaymes Stewart (born 1990))
“The two commonest mistakes in judgement . . . are, the confounding of shyness with arrogance - a very common mistake indeed - and the not understanding that an obstinate nature exists in a perpetual struggle with itself.” -Charles Dickens (Charles John Huffam Dickens (1812 -1870))
“When you’re worried, tell yourself the truth: Shyness is a strength to build on, not a character flaw to be stamped out.” -Author Unknown: “Shyness Is Not a Character Flaw” (at the Malvern School)
“Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.” -Jonathan Katz (Jonathan Paul Katz (born 1946))
What causes shyness? Some people claim shyness is caused entirely by genetics, but it is likely closer to the truth that shyness has more than a single cause. Individuals vary, but other possible causes of shyness include emotional abuse, physical abuse, being bullied, moving often, being different from other people - and there are so many ways in which people are different that there is not enough space to list them here, prolonged isolation, poverty, hardships, losses, medical conditions, traumatization, upbringing, being the new guy or gal, culture shock, social inexperience, or a general difference in life experiences. Some shy people may have dealt with every single one of these things and more in their lives.
“If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.” -Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005): “Children Learn What They Live: Parenting to Inspire Values” (1998), page vi
“I bought a book to help me overcome my shyness and it really works - now I can talk to people while hiding behind it!” -Author Unknown
Shyness can hold back a student’s progress in school . . .
“I was actually pretty shy in school. My defense mechanism was to be the class clown. I remember getting into a lot of trouble for being disruptive, and I was brought in front of the head teacher, who said, ‘What’s going to happen to you - what are you going to do when you grow up?’ And I said, ‘Well, I’m obviously going to be a comedian.’” -Adam Clayton
“I’m very shy, so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.” -Don Rickles (Donald Jay ‘Don’ Rickles (1926 - 2017))
“And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.” -Paul Merton (pseudonym of Paul James Martin (born 1957))
“The level of shyness has gone up dramatically in the last decade. I think shyness is an index of social pathology rather than a pathology of the individual.” -Philip Zimbardo (Philip George Zimbardo (born 1933))
“In talking, shyness and timidity distort the very meaning of my words. I don’t pretend to know anybody well. People are like shadows to me and I am like a shadow.” -Gwen John (Gwendolen Mary John (1876 - 1939))
Wallflower: A decoration for ballrooms.
“If you do not make small talk, you will never make big talk.” -Author Unknown
Is it possible that shyness is sometimes a temporary state, like anger or fear, rather than being something permanent, like height or eye color?
“Life is too short to be shy!” -Carolyn Schrieber
Shyness and Self-Esteem
While not all shy people have low self-esteem, shyness is often seen as a symptom of fear or lack of self-confidence. When you’re shy, it usually means that you’re self-conscious and worried about what other people think about you. Occasional shyness is normal, but when it becomes a habit, it can be detrimental to your progress in all of life: work, school, friendships, and social activities.
Because of the connection between shyness and self-esteem, building your self-esteem step-by-step can help you overcome your shyness. There are several things you can do to boost your self-esteem, whether you’re suffering from depression or you’re just having a bad day.
Make an inventory of things that you like about yourself. Do this as often as necessary. You can write anything - from simple things such as your ability to whistle, or more complex things such as your strength of character. It doesn’t mean that you should ignore your weaknesses and pretend that they don’t exist, you just have to accept yourself for who you are. Don’t include things such as financial success, the admiration of your peers, or the way you look. After all, self-esteem is about how you view yourself - these external factors don’t matter. When you gauge your strengths, you’ll be able to see how unique and valuable you are.
Find something that you’re good at, and work on it. If you have the talent for cooking, why not work on some new and original dishes? Activities involving art, such as painting and writing, can definitely give your mind a feeling of freedom and accomplishment. Even bird watching can improve your mood greatly. Whatever your talents are, make sure that you get to ‘practice’ them once a week, so that your mind will be given a chance to refresh itself after a stressful week of work or school.
Only recall good, happy, and exciting memories. Whenever you’re sitting down to think, make sure that you actively call out happy memories. This is because when you start thinking negatively, an entire swarm of negative feelings and memories will come right at you. Don’t waste your time with the bad. Think only of the good things you experienced, the great people you encountered, and even funny jokes you have heard.
Volunteer your time to the community or work with outreach programs. Being in a team that helps others allows you to think beyond yourself. Keep yourself busy by interacting with other people and learning from them. You’ll find that most people are very much like you - they all want to be surrounded by their loved ones, they have their own fears, and they also deal with feelings of inadequacy. When you realize that other people are just like you, you’ll see that there’s nothing to fear in social situations.
By conquering any feelings of low self-esteem, you will realize that you are deserving of love, admiration, and respect. When you realize this, you will also be able to conquer your shyness during social situations.
by Author Unknown
“I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993)
“My personality is hard to explain. I’m a big personality, and I enjoy being social. But I’m shy at first and sometimes ramble too much. I’m a shy extrovert.” -Author Unknown
Being ‘introverted’ and being ‘shy’ are not the same thing. Many introverts are not shy and many shy people are not introverts. The literal meaning of ‘introvert’ is ‘inward focused’ and usually refers to people who give their greatest attention to their own interests, often having little inclination to the interests of others. Shy people, however, are very often frustrated extroverts, that is, people who would like to be outgoing and social, but who also feel inhibited or held back.
“Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.” -Susan Cain (Susan Horowitz Cain (born 1968)): “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” (24 January 2012)
Shyness can stall a person’s work and career success - if he or she can get started at all . . .
“Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life that you’d like to do.” -Steven Morrissey (Steven Patrick Morrissey (born 1959))
“Introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness.” -Steve Martin (Stephen Glenn ‘Steve’ Martin (born 1945))
“We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring.” -David Grayson (1870 - 1946)
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it myself.” -Author Unknown
“The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.” -Claudia Alta (Taylor) ‘Lady Bird’ Johnson (1912 - 2007)
“I grew up being very shy, very much a bookworm, and I remember desperately wondering how to be accepted by the popular kids.” -Lisa Kleypas (born 1964)
“I genuinely enjoy talking one-to-one. I have no shyness about that.” -Stephanie Beacham (born 1947)
“Sometimes those who don’t socialize much aren’t actually anti-social, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.” -Author Unknown
“I’m just shy - not antisocial - you can talk to me!” -Author Unknown
“Even when a person is as shy as a mouse, you still have to beware of the tiger within.” -Author Unknown
“I have had strange animals as pets all my life. I was shy growing up, and shy people tend to interact better with animals than people. Animals are direct, not duplicitous.” -Yvonne Craig (Yvonne Joyce Craig (1937 - 2015))
We cannot make shy people suddenly become non-shy by causing them to feel bad about being shy. Do not call a shy person antisocial, arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic, self-centered, mentally ill, introverted, slow, or sneaky - none of these things are what shyness is, and name calling and labeling will not help. Always remember: Just because you have labeled people does not mean you have helped them. Do not ridicule, tease, shame, or bully shy people. Instead, focus on encouragement, and if you know how, coaching or social skills teaching, keeping in mind that many shy people may very well know more about social skills than you do, but may simply have never had a safe opportunity to try them out and put them into regular practice.
“Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.” -Marcel Achard (born Marcel-Augustin Ferréol (1899 - 1974))
Overheard: My shyness has ruined so many opportunities.
“Cameras are a lifesaver for very shy people who have nowhere else to hide. Behind a lens they can disguise the fact that they have nothing to say to strangers.” -Pat Conroy: “Beach Music” (July 1995) novel
“It’s funny - when people call you ‘shy,’ they usually smile. Like it’s cute, some funny little habit you’ll grow out of when you’re older, like the gaps in your grin when your baby teeth fall out. If they knew how it felt - really being shy, not just unsure at first - they wouldn’t smile. Not if they knew how the feeling knots up your stomach or makes your palms sweat or robs you of the ability to say anything that makes sense. It’s not cute at all.” -Author Unknown
“A struggle with shyness is in every actor more than anyone can imagine.” -Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Mortenson (1926 - 1962))
“Stage persona notwithstanding, I’m extremely shy and quiet. Almost painfully shy. People misinterpret that as being above it all or not interested.” -J. Michael Straczynski (Joseph Michael Straczynski (born 1954))
“The fact of the matter is that most actors are shy people.” -Roger Moore (Roger George Moore (born 1927))
“I think I had a shyness about me, I think I discovered acting as a way to break out of that and as a way of belonging, a sense of being special.” -Michael C. Hall (Michael Carlyle Hall (born 1971))
Perhaps the most important consideration in addressing shyness is that we not waste people’s entire lifetimes while we argue over how to categorize shyness, whether it is caused by nature or nurture, or genetics or environment, or who is at fault. Instead, we need to focus on determining whether particular shy individuals are comfortable with their shyness or if they are suffering from their shyness. If they are comfortable with their shyness, we should let them be who they are. If they are suffering from their shyness, we should use the best of our humanity to help them. We can experiment a little - trying different ideas, discarding ideas that do not work and keeping ideas that do work.
“Shyness is really wondering if you have other people’s approval.” -Dorothy Sarnoff (1914 - 2008)
“I am very shy - really shy - I even had a stutter as a kid, which I slowly got over, but I still regress into that shyness. So I don’t like walking into a crowded restaurant by myself; I don’t like going to a party by myself.” -Nicole Kidman (Nicole Mary Kidman (born 1967))
“Writing is show business for shy people. That’s how I see it.” -Lee Child (pseudonym of James D. ‘Jim’ Grant (born 1954))
“I’ve gotten better at not making people feel uncomfortable with my shyness.” -Clea DuVall (Clea Helen D’Etienne DuVall (born 1977))
“I don’t really want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise . . . as I see it, if you’re quiet, you’re not living. You’ve got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy and colorful and lively.” -Mel Brooks (born Melvin Kaminsky (born 1926))
“Sometimes quiet people really do have a lot to say, they’re just being careful about who they open up to.” -Author Unknown
Maribelle: What did the shy pebble say?
Clarabelle: “I wish I was a little boulder.”
“If you are shy, know that there can be some situations and circumstances in which you are not shy. Try to find them, and within them, give yourself the chance to learn and grow and develop, and in time, you will find yourself less shy in a wider range of situations and circumstances.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Golly, you sure look swell when you smile - you should do that more often! Much more MFOL! follows . . .
“Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.” -Zig Ziglar
“Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.” -Zig Ziglar
“There is no such thing as a lazy person; he is either sick or uninspired.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“People who have good relationships at home are more effective in the marketplace.” -Zig Ziglar
“Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember - the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.” -Zig Ziglar
“The way you see life will largely determine what you get out of it.” -Zig Ziglar
“Failure has been correctly identified as the line of least persistence.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“You are free to choose, but the choices you make today will determine what you will have, be, and do in the tomorrow of your life.” -Zig Ziglar
“Don’t wait until you feel like taking a positive action. Take the action and then you will feel like doing it.” -Zig Ziglar
“If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” -Zig Ziglar: as quoted in Deborah Norville: “The Power of Respect: Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success” (2009), page 65
“When your image improves, your performance improves.” -Zig Ziglar
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” -Zig Ziglar
“I am intelligent, competent, persistent, and creative. I am health conscious, balanced, and clean. I am flexible, punctual, and thrifty.” -Zig Ziglar
“You were born to win, but to be a winner, you must plan to win, prepare to win, and expect to win.” -Zig Ziglar
“How you see your future is much more important than what happened in your past.” Zig Ziglar
“For every sale you miss because you’re too enthusiastic, you will miss a hundred because you’re not enthusiastic enough.” -Zig Ziglar
“Outstanding people have one thing in common: an absolute sense of mission.” -Zig Ziglar: as quoted in Kevin Baerg: “Created for Excellence: 12 keys to Godly Success” (1996), page 25
“Winning is not everything, but the effort to win is.” -Zig Ziglar
“Obviously, there is little you can learn from doing nothing.” -Zig Ziglar
“People who truly understand God’s purpose for their lives know that we are called to be intimately involved with one another.” -Zig Ziglar: “Better than Good: Creating a Life You Can’t Wait to Live” (2007)
“People don’t buy for logical reasons. They buy for emotional reasons.” -Zig Ziglar
“Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.” -Zig Ziglar: as quoted in Alen Majer: “Trigger Events - How to Find Your Next Customer” (2007), page 22
“A man or woman is seldom happy unless he or she is sustaining him or herself and making a contribution to others.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“End the day with gratitude. There is someone, somewhere, that has less than you.” -Zig Ziglar
“Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“Kids go where there is excitement. They stay where there is love.” -Zig Ziglar
“A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.” -Zig Ziglar
“You build a successful career, regardless of your field of endeavor, by the dozens of little things you do on and off the job.” -Zig Ziglar
“When you forgive somebody else you accept the responsibility for your own future.” -Zig Ziglar
“Success is in the details.” -Zig Ziglar
“You are at the top when you’ve made friends with the past, are focused on the present, and optimistic about your future.” -Zig Ziglar
“The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy in the world won’t work - if you won’t.” -Zig Ziglar
“The foundation stones for a balanced success are honesty, character, integrity, faith, love, and loyalty.” -Zig Ziglar
“Be firm on principle but flexible on method.” -Zig Ziglar
“Never let your past determine your future.” -attributed to Zig Ziglar
“For every sale you miss because you’re too enthusiastic, you will miss a hundred because you’re not enthusiastic enough.” -Zig Ziglar
“The only way to coast is downhill.” -Zig Ziglar
“A positive attitude will have positive results because attitudes are contagious.” -Zig Ziglar
“If you learn from defeat, you haven’t really lost.” -Zig Ziglar
“There’s often no way you can look into the game of life and determine whether or not you’ll get that big break tomorrow or whether it will take another week, month, year or even longer. But it will come!” -Zig Ziglar
“You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” -Zig Ziglar: “Secrets of Closing the Sale” (1984)
“You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself.” -Zig Ziglar
“They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” -Zig Ziglar
“It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.” -Zig Ziglar
“Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street.” -Zig Ziglar
“You’ve got to be before you can do, and you’ve got to do before you can have.” -Zig Ziglar
“What comes out of your mouth is determined by what goes into your mind.” -Zig Ziglar
“As I point out in another section, when you’re frustrated you can either wring your hands and lose what you have or roll up your sleeves and get what you want.” -Zig Ziglar: “Biscuits, Fleas, and Pump Handles” (1974), page 145
“It is easy to get to the top after you get through the crowd at the bottom.” -Zig Ziglar
“When things seem bad, look to see if you’re not facing the wrong direction . . . When the outlook isn’t good, try the uplook - it’s always good.” -Zig Ziglar
In addition to the books mentioned in this topic, Zig Ziglar wrote other books, available in paperback from your favorite bookseller and as downloads for your favorite e-reader device. Following is a partial list.
□ “Conversations with My Dog” (2004)
□ “How to Get What You Want” (1987)
□ “Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World” (1985)
□ “Zig Ziglar’s Life Lifters” (2003)
□ “Secrets of Closing the Sale” (1982)
□ “Developing the Qualities of Success” (2010)
□ “See You at the Top” (1975)
□ “Confessions of a Happy Christian” (1978)
□ “Zig: The Autobiography” (2002)
□ “Courtship After Marriage” (1990)
The above list of works by Zig Ziglar is far from complete, so if you would like to see other titles included, please let us know.
“If you want to reach a goal, you must ‘see the reaching’ in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal.” -Zig Ziglar
“Ability is important in our quest for success, but dependability is critical.” -Zig Ziglar
“Failure is an event, never a person; an attitude, not an outcome.” -Zig Ziglar
“The most influential person who will talk to you all day is you, so you should be very careful about what you say to you!” -Zig Ziglar
“When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal; you do not change your decision to get there.” -Zig Ziglar
“When you are tough on yourself, life is going to be infinitely easier on you.” -Zig Ziglar
“You cannot tailor-make the situations in life, but you can tailor-make your attitudes to fit those situations.” -Zig Ziglar
“The more you recognize and express gratitude for the things you have, the more things you will have to express gratitude for.” -Zig Ziglar
“Fortunately, problems are an everyday part of our life. Consider this: If there were no problems, most of us would be unemployed. Realistically, the more problems we have and the larger they are, the greater our value to our employer.” -Zig Ziglar
“Will you look back on life and say, ‘I wish I had’ or ‘I’m glad I did’?” -Zig Ziglar
“Desire is the ingredient that changes the hot water of mediocrity to the steam of outstanding success.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“If you don’t see yourself as a winner, then you cannot perform as a winner.” -Zig Ziglar
“Obstacles are the things we see when we take our eyes off our goals.” -Zig Ziglar
“Man was designed for accomplishment, engineered for success, and endowed with the seeds of greatness.” -Zig Ziglar
“There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.” -Zig Ziglar
“When we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do.” -Zig Ziglar
“When you focus on problems, you get more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you have more opportunities.” -Zig Ziglar
“Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.” -Zig Ziglar
“You cannot climb the ladder of success dressed in the costume of failure.” -Zig Ziglar
“If God would have wanted us to live in a permissive society He would have given us Ten Suggestions and not Ten Commandments.” -Zig Ziglar
“You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.” -Zig Ziglar
“Success is like a ladder, and no one has ever climbed a ladder with their hands in their pockets.” -Zig Ziglar
“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” -Zig Ziglar
“A goal properly set is halfway reached.” -Zig Ziglar
“Fewer people are bent from hard work than are crooked from avoiding it.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” -Zig Ziglar: as quoted in Lilly Walters: “Secrets of Superstar Speakers: Wisdom from the Greatest Motivators of Our Time” (2000), page 96
“When you give a man a dole, you deny him his dignity, and when you deny him his dignity you rob him of his destiny.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust.” -Zig Ziglar
“Happiness is not pleasure - it is victory.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“Other people and things can stop you temporarily . . . You’re the only one who can do it permanently!” -Zig Ziglar
“Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.” -Zig Ziglar
“The price of success is much lower than the price of failure.” -Zig Ziglar
“Discipline yourself to do the things you need to do when you need to do them, and the day will come when you will be able to do the things you want to do when you want to do them!” -Zig Ziglar
“Of all the ‘attitudes’ we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life-changing.” -Zig Ziglar
“If you don’t save something on your current income, you won’t save anything on your future income.” -Zig Ziglar: “See You at the Top” (2000)
“Most people who fail in their dreams fail not from lack of ability but from lack of commitment.” -Zig Ziglar
“The most important persuasion tool you have in your entire arsenal is integrity.” -Zig Ziglar: as quoted in Dave Stone: “Refining Your Style: Learning from Respected Communicators” (2004), page 143
“Success means doing the best we can with what we have. Success is the doing, not the getting - in the trying, not the triumph. Success is a personal standard - reaching for the highest that is in us - becoming all that we can be. If we do our best, we are a success. Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have.” -Zig Ziglar: as quoted in Hugh B. Sanders: “The Subconscious Diet: It’s Not What You Put in Your Mouth; It Is What You Put in Your Mind” (2005), page 104
“The way to get what you want is to help others get what they want.” -Zig Ziglar
“Far too many people have no idea of what they can do because all they have been told is what they can’t do. They don’t know what they want because they don’t know what’s available for them.” -Zig Ziglar
“When you associate with winners, your chances of winning go up!” -Zig Ziglar
Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar was born on 6 November 1926 in Coffee County, Alabama, United States of America, as the tenth of twelve children to parents John Silas Ziglar and Lila Wescott Ziglar. He became a writer, a salesman, and a motivational speaker. Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar passed on at 86 years of age on 28 November 2012 in Plano, Texas, United States of America.
“People who build hope into their own lives and who share hope with others become powerful people.” -Zig Ziglar
Zig Ziglar devoted his life to helping others get what they want in their lives. To find out what this can mean for your own professional and personal development, click on Zig Ziglar.
“Life is an echo. What you send out comes back. What you sow you reap. What you give you get. What you see in others exists in you. Regardless of who you are or what you do, if you are looking for the best way to reap the most reward in all areas of life, you should look for the good in every person and in every situation and adopt the golden rule as a way of life.” -Zig Ziglar
“Make today worth remembering.” -Zig Ziglar
This is MFOL! . . . your wonderful free source for the good in life: humor, inspiration, motivation, learning, and more . . .
William: What is gray and tons of fun?
Katherine: An elephant!
The elephant is quite a beast,
He’s rather large to say the least,
And though his size is quite impressive,
The elephant is not aggressive,
He never throws his weight around,
Still he always holds his ground.
He only wants to feel secure.
Long may the elephant endure!
by Arnold Sundgaard (Arnold Olaf Sundgaard (1909 - 2006))
Minerva: What is big and gray and goes, “Bubble-bubble-ka-boom!”
Minnie: An elephant experimenting with a chemistry set.
- An adult male elephant is called a bull.
- An adult female elephant is called a cow.
- A young elephant is called a calf.
- The plural of elephant is elephants.
- A group of elephants is called a herd, or imaginatively, a memory.
- A group of elephants walking in single-file is called a parade.
- The sound made by elephants is called trumpeting.
- Elephants are the largest land animals on Earth.
- Elephants are herbivores, or plants-eaters.
Terry: How can you tell when there are elephants in your refrigerator?
Theresa: You can hear them giggling.
Elephants belong to the family of animals known as pachyderms, meaning thick-skinned animals. Other members of the pachyderm family are rhinoceroses, hippopotamuses, pigs, tapirs, and extinct wooly mammoths and mastodons.
Sandra: Why do elephants catch colds?
Sandy: Well, you would too, if you ran around all the time without any clothes on!
The two main types of elephants are the African elephant and the Asian elephant.
Lee: What is the difference between African elephants and Asian elephants?
Lars: About three thousand miles!
Both male and female African elephants have tusks. Their ears are about 1.5 meters (5 feet) long. African elephants are known by the scientific name Loxodonta africana. They are divided into two subspecies: the African Forest Elephant and the African Bush Elephant.
Bill: Why do elephants live in the jungle?
Glen: Because they are too big to fit in Tarzan’s treehouse.
Asian elephants have smaller bodies and smaller ears than African elephants, and only the males of the Asian elephants have tusks. The scientific name for Asian elephants is Elephas maximus. The four subspecies of Asian elephants are Indian, Ceylon, Sumatran, and Malaysian.
Marybeth: What is gray and weighs 200 pounds?
Maribelle: A bouncing baby elephant!
Newborn baby elephants weight about 91 kilograms (200 pounds). Adult elephants weigh between 2,268 and 6,350 kilograms (5,000 and 14,000 pounds). Some male elephants can grow to be 4 meters (13 feet tall) and weigh between 4,536 and 6,350 kilograms (10,000 and 14,000 pounds). The largest elephant on record weighed about 12,000 kilograms (26,000 pounds).
Darlene: What do elephants say when they bump into each other?
Charlene: “Small world, isn’t it?”
Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump, and that is good, because the last thing we need is more earthquakes!
Hickory dickory dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
Arvin: How can you tell that elephants are always ready for adventure?
Allen: They always have their trunks ready to go!
Anne: What has four legs and a trunk?
Drew: An elephant?
Anne: A mouse going on vacation - fooled you!
After their size, the most noticeable feature of elephants is their trunks. A trunk is an elongation of an elephant’s nose and upper lip. An elephant’s trunk can grow to be about 2 meters (6.5 feet) long, and has about 40,000 muscles, but contains no bones. Besides being used for breathing and smelling, the trunk can be used in much the same way that humans use their arms and hands. Elephants are able to sense the size, shape, texture, and temperature of objects by feeling with their trunks. Elephants have two finger-like projections at the tips of their trunks, which can be used to manipulate and grasp small objects and to pluck grass and leaves to eat. Elephants use their trunks to lift food and to suck up water, which they then pour into their mouths. In summary, elephant’s trunks are very useful tools.
Michelle: Why do elephants have trunks?
Mabelle: Because glove compartments are not nearly so stylish.
Geronimo: What do you say when you scold an elephant?
Tecumseh: “Tusk! Tusk!”
Elephants have pairs of tusks, which are long teeth made of a substance called ivory. Elephant tusks grow throughout their lifetimes and can weigh more than 200 pounds. Their tusks help them obtain food and dig in the ground for water. Elephants can also use their tusks to carry heavy objects such as tree trunks.
Jeremy: What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
Jered: An umbrellaphant!
Elephants have large, thin ears. Within them is a complex network of blood vessels. As blood circulates through their ears, it releases heat into the air. Elephants can flap their ears, causing the blood within them to release heat at an even faster rate. The cooled blood then circulates through the rest of the elephants’ massive bodies, helping to keep elephants cool in the hot climates where they live.
Pete: What is big and gray and hums?
Paul: An electric elephant!
Rudy: Why do more elephants not go to college?
Ruby: Because so few of them graduate from high school.
Bernice: What is large, gray, and writes?
Brad: A ballpoint elephant!
Willow: Why do you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Mahogany: Because they are really good at it.
Jimmy: Why can elephants not fly?
James: Because they do not have propellers.
“Nature’s great masterpiece, an elephant, the only harmless great thing.” -John Donne (1572 - 1631)
Owen: How do elephants get squinty eyes?
Wendell: From reading the small print on peanut packages.
Elephants are herbivores, and spend 16 to 20 hours a day eating leaves, twigs (small branches), bark, tree roots, bamboo, and grasses. They especially like leaves from upper branches, which they get by pushing down trees with their large heads and bodies. They get bark by scraping it off trees with their sharp tusks. During the wet or rainy season, elephants eat things low to the ground, and during the dry season, they use their trunks to gather food from trees and bushes that are higher off the ground. Adult elephants eat 136 to 272 kilograms (300 to 600 pounds) of food every day.
Aaron: Why do elephants eat raw plants?
Isaac: Because they do not know how to cook.
Beverly: Why was the elephant sitting on the marshmallow?
Christine: Because she did not want to fall into the hot chocolate.
Adult elephants need to drink at least 210 liters (55 gallons) of water every day. If an elephant’s trunk holds about 9.5 liters (2.5 gallons) of water, how many times would an elephant need to fill its trunk each day?
Roderick: Why is it dangerous to tell elephant jokes?
Reginald: Because elephants never forget!
Patrice: Why do elephants not like elephant jokes?
Patrick: They think they are Dumbo.
Melanie: Who started all these crazy elephant jokes?
Pamela: That is what the elephants would like to know!
Gladys you and not another elephant joke!
Tabitha: Why did the elephant cross the road?
Tabbie: Because she did not want to hear that last joke.
Elephants . . . among the last dignified inhabitants of Earth . . .
Adult elephants sleep between 4 and 5 hours in a 24-hour time period. Their sleep is often broken up into shorter time periods and naps throughout the day and night. In family herds, some of the elephants stay awake while others are sleeping, to guard against predators, especially when the herd has baby elephants to protect. Elephants can adjust their sleep patterns when the weather is hot, napping more in the daytime and staying awake during the cooler nighttime to find food and water.
Male elephant mature and leave their herds at about 12 or 13 years of age, living fairly solitary lives from that point onward.
Ernest: Why do elephants travel in herds?
Otis: Because if they traveled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep.
Female elephants spend their entire lives living in family herds of up to ten females and their young. Each family herd is led by a female elephant called a matriarch, usually the oldest and largest female in the herd. All of the females in the herd are directly related to the matriarch. Herds are known to travel distances of 16 kilometers (10 miles) or farther in a day to look for food and water. When elephants travel, they walk very quietly in single file. Young elephants are led by the older elephants with their tails. They stay close to their mothers at all times. The entire herd will protect the young ones if there are any signs of danger.
Chad: What is big and gray, and wears glass slippers?
Carrie: What is big and grey and has horns?
Karen: An elephant marching band!
While not noted for their musical talent, the most familiar sound made by elephants is called trumpeting. Elephants can purr as cats do. Elephants can also communicate by making singing and rumbling sounds at between 14 and 35 hertz, which is below human hearing range. Elephants can communicate by stomping on the ground, which makes sounds and vibrations that can be detected by other elephants. These varied types of communication allow elephants to locate other elephants and to call wandering individuals back to the herd, and can ever allow several different herds to stay in direct contact over distances of many miles.
Maude: How can you tell if there is an elephant in your snack food?
Todd: Read the list of ingredients.
Overheard: The only reason that a great many people do not own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for ten dollars down and ten dollars a week.
Going to Work
An elephant, going to work,
Was heard to remark, with a smirk,
“I’ll keep my good manners
For hay and bananers
But quit if my mahout should shirk.”
by Author Unknown
Danny: What would you get if you crossed an elephant and a computer?
Daniel: The biggest know-it-all you ever saw.
Because of their large size, great strength, and defensive capabilities, full-grown elephants have few natural predators. Elephants can fight with their tusks to defend themselves, and wrap their muscular trunks around other animals. They can push things around with their sheer weight and strength. Elephants can raise their front legs off the ground, standing briefly on just their rear legs, and kick with their front legs or drop their front legs and crushing body weight back down onto any threatening animal. If need be, elephants can also run about 39 kilometers (24 miles) an hour for short distances. Even so, elephants in the wild are vulnerable to lions that prey on young or weak elephants, and humans destroy elephant habitats and kill elephants for their ivory tusks.
Darcy: What is big and gray and takes the bus everywhere?
Marcy: An elephant who failed her driver’s license test.
Mortimer: What is gray, has 800 feet, and cannot get off the ground?
Gerard: An airplane full of elephants.
Elephants are good swimmers. They can also walk along the bottom of a lake or river while extending their trunks up to the surface like snorkels to breathe air. Going into water helps them to stay cool when the weather is hot, and they also bathe themselves in the water.
Sherman: Why are elephants wrinkled?
Herman: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Opal: Why are elephants so poor?
Violet: Because they work for peanuts!
Eva: Why is an elephant gray?
Evaline: So you will not mistake him for a bluebird.
Dana: Why do elephants not ride bicycles?
Gina: They do not have thumbs to ring the bells.
Elephantine: Resembling or characteristic of an elephant or elephants, especially in being large, clambering, or awkward. Agile elephants may disagree with this generalization!
John: Why do elephants not use computers?
Joan: They are afraid of the mouse.
Alexander: How would you recognize an elephant on the Moon?
Alexia: By the big ‘E’ on her spacesuit.
When people call this beast to mind
They marvel more and more
At such a little tail behind
So large a trunk before.
by Author Unknown
Merry: What did the elephant wish for on his birthday?
Mary: A trunkful of presents!
Alice: What should you always remember when telling elephant jokes?
Ellis: Elephants never forget!
This is MFOL! . . . Ha, ha, ha - wait, we don’t get it . . .
Look around the habitable world: how few
Know their own good, or knowing it, pursue.
-Juvenal (Decimus Iunius Iuvenalis (about C.E. 55 - about C.E. 130)): as quoted in John Dryden (1631 - 1700), translator: “The Satires of Decimus Junius Juvenalis: And of Aulus Persius Flaccus” (1693), Satire 10, lines 1 and 2
Once upon a time, it happened to me,
the very sweetest thing, that could even be.
It was a fantasy, a dream come true,
it was the day I saw you.
It sounds like stories from the land of spirits
If any man obtain that which he merits,
Or any merit that which he obtains.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834)
Two cats can live as cheaply as one,
And their owner has twice as much fun.
-Lloyd Alexander (Lloyd Chudley Alexander (1924 - 2007))
A poetic epigram is a short and often witty poem expressing a single thought or observation. The word ‘epigram’ comes from the Greek word ‘epigraphein’ meaning ‘to write on’ or ‘to inscribe,’ and originally referred to inscriptions written on stone monuments in ancient Greece.
What is an epigram? A dwarfish whole;
Its body brevity, and wit its soul.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834) (1802)
A house is built of logs and stone,
of piles and post and piers;
A home is built of loving deeds,
that stand a thousand years.
-Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885))
A house is made of bricks and beams,
A home is made of love and dreams.
Early to bed,
Early to rise
Makes a man healthy,
Wealthy and wise.
-Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
The joke you just told isn’t funny one bit;
It’s pointless and dull, wholly lacking in wit;
It’s so old and stale, it’s beginning to smell -
Besides, it’s the one I was going to tell!
by Author Unknown
Contentment is wealth, the riches of the mind;
And happy is he who can such riches find.
-John Dryden (1631 - 1700)
My mom (who’s on a diet)
says she’s lost another pound.
I’ve tried to help her find it,
but it’s nowhere to be found.
-Babs Bell Hajdusiewicz (born 1944)
Life is mostly froth and bubble,
Two things stand like stone:
Kindness in another’s trouble,
Courage in your own.
-Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833 - 1870)
When Adam Joked
Whatever trouble Adam had,
No man in days of yore
Could say, when Adam cracked a joke,
“I’ve heard that one before.”
by Author Unknown
Pursue thy work without delay,
For the short hours run fast away.
A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life;
A timely word may level stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.
Genius, that power which dazzles mortal eyes,
Is oft’ but perseverance in disguise.
-Henry W. Austin (Henry Willard Austin (1858 - 1912)): “Perseverance Conquers All”
Great wits are sure to madness near allied,
And thin partitions do their bounds divide.
-John Dryden (1631 - 1700): “Absalom and Achitophel” (1681), part I, line 163
Big whirls have little whirls,
That feed on their velocity;
And little whirls have lesser whirls,
And so on to viscosity.
by Lewis Fry Richardson (1881 - 1953): “The Supply of Energy from and to Atmospheric Eddies” (1920)
“An epigram often flashes light into regions where reason shines but dimly.” -Edwin Percy Whipple (1819 - 1886): lecture to the Boston Mercantile Library Association (October 1846), as quoted in Edwin Percy Whipple: “Lectures on Subjects Connected with Literature and Life” (1850)
No bees, no honey;
No work, no money.
Oh, words may rhyme,
And sound sublime,
And sing and shout,
Yet still say nowt.
nowt: nothing; naught
Keep out of ruts; a rut is something which
If traveled in too much, becomes a ditch.
-Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)
To give and forgive
Is a good way to live.
by Author Unknown
Joy and Temperance and Repose
Slam the door on the doctor’s nose.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.
by Author Unknown
Could fools to keep their own contrive,
On what, on whom could gamesters thrive?
-John Gay (1685 - 1732): as quoted in W. H. Kearley Wright, editor: “The Fables of John Gay" (1889), 'Fable XII: Pan and Fortune,' lines 25 and 26
Are You a Poet?
You might not think it,
You might not know it,
But somewhere inside you,
There might be a poet!
by Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Do not loiter or shirk,
Do not falter or shrink
But just think out your work
And then work out your think.
-Nixon Waterman (1859 - 1944)
Mariner, do not ask whose tomb this may be,
but go with good fortune:
I wish you a kinder sea.
-Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - 347 B.C.E.)
We know how to get along
every single day.
We take turns and share a lot
while we work and play.
by Author Unknown
That man who lives for self alone
Lives for the meanest mortal known.
-Joaquin Miller (pseudonym of Cincinnatus Heine Miller (born Cincinnatus Hiner Miller (1837 - 1913)): “The Building of the City Beautiful” (1905), Chapter V: ‘How Beautiful!’ page 48
If a task is once begun
Never leave it till it’s done.
Be the labor great or small,
Do it well or not at all.
by Author Unknown: possibly also known by the title “Perseverance”
For every evil under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try and find it;
If there be none, never mind it.
by Author Unknown: as published in John Newbery, editor: “Mother Goose’s Melody” (1765)
Poetic epigrams vary in structure. They are typically couplets, or poems having two lines; tercets, or poems having three lines; and quatrains, or poems having four lines. Poetic epigrams of more than four lines are less common, in keeping with ‘brevity,’ a word often used in describing them. Some have titles, some have none. Poetic epigrams can be found as a few lines within longer poems, in much the same way that couplets, tercets, quatrains, and structures of more lines can be found within much longer poems.
Fell great oaks
-Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
Think that day lost whose low descending sun
Views from thy hand no noble action done.
-Jacob Bobart (1641 - 1719)
So all my best is dressing old words new,
Spending again what is already spent:
For as the sun is daily new and old,
So is my love still telling what is told.
-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): ‘Sonnet 76’
Too much thought:
Too little wrought.
by Author Unknown
wrought: brought into being or put together; archaic past tense of ‘work’
That man is thought a dangerouse knave,
Or zealot plotting crime,
Who for advancement of his kind
Is wiser than his time.
-Richard Monckton Milnes (also known as 1st Baron Houghton or Lord Houghton (1809 - 1885))
knave: a no-good person
zealot: a fanatic
A Man Said to the Universe
A man said to the universe:
“Sir, I exist!”
“However,” replied the universe,
“The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation.”
by Stephen Crane (1871 - 1900): “War Is Kind and Other Lines” (1899)
For he who fights and runs away
May live to fight another day;
But he who is in battle slain
Can never rise and fight again.
-Author Unknown: as published in Oliver Goldsmith, editor: “The Art of Poetry on a New Plan” (1762)
Hear the rooster crow out loud,
At the break of day:
He says, “Get your chores done,
If you want to play.”
by Author Unknown
Would you like to speak to your contemporaries, meaning people now living, or pass on learning across a great span of years, perhaps to coming generations, who have not yet arrived? Write a poetic epigram, carve it in stone, and let the passage of time carry your message to them.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
-William Blake (1757 - 1827): “Auguries of Innocence” (1803), lines 1 through 4
This is Make Fun Of Life! . . . the website for which you have been looking . . . is not proper English . . . ever so . . . peculiar?
“The family is the nucleus of civilization.” -Will Durant (William James ‘Will’ Durant (1885 - 1981))
“In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” -Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)
“What makes a house a home are the people who live there.” -Author Unknown
“My dad, he’s a nuclear physicist, my mom, she’s a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer - and I like to color.” -Shashi Bhatia
“There is no synthetic replacement for a decent home life. Our high crime rate, particularly among juveniles, is directly traceable to a breakdown in moral fiber - to the disintegration of home and family life. Religion and home life are supplementary. Each strengthens the other. It is seldom that a solid and wholesome home life can be found in the absence of religious inspiration.” -J. Edgar Hoover (John Edgar Hoover (1895 - 1972)): as quoted in the “Christian Herald”
Father: Did you children help your mother today?
First Child: Yes, daddy. I washed the dishes.
Second Child: I dried them.
Third Child: I picked up the pieces.
“A clean, comfortable dwelling, with wholesome meals, is no small aid to intellectual and moral progress. A man living in a damp cellar or a garret open to rain and snow, breathing the foul air of a filthy room, and striving without success to appease hunger on scanty or unsavory food, is in danger of abandoning himself to a desperate, selfish recklessness. Improve, then, your lot. Multiply comforts, and, still more, get wealth if you can by honorable means, and if it does not cost too much.” -William Ellery Channing (1780 - 1842)
My Little Sister
My little sister
Likes to eat.
But when she does
She’s not too neat.
The trouble is
She doesn’t know
The food should go!
by William Wise (born 1923)
“We often speak of a family circle, but there are none too many of them. Parallel lines never meeting, squares, triangles . . . these and other geometrical figures abound, but circles are comparatively few.” -Kate Douglas Wiggin (1856 - 1923): “Mother Carey’s Chickens” (1911)
Daryl: Your sister is spoiled, isn’t she?
Aaron: No, that’s just the perfume she’s wearing.
The Family Bible
Old Brother Higgins built a shelf
for the Family Bible to rest itself
lest a sticky finger or grimy thumb
might injure the delicate pages some.
He cautioned his children to touch it not
and it rested there with never a blot
though the Higgins tribe were a troublesome lot.
His neighbor, Miggins, built a shelf
“Come children,” he said, “and help yourself.”
His book is old and ragged and worn,
with some of the choicest pages torn,
where children have fingered and thumbed and read.
But of the Miggins tribe I’ve heard it said,
each carries a Bible in his head.
by Author Unknown
“In our family,” a little girl told her teacher, “everybody married relatives. My father married my mother, my uncle married my aunt, and just the other day I found out that my grandfather married my grandmother.”
“One day as we were driving through the country, my small son David spoke up excitedly, saying, “Oh, mother, look at the cow’s popsicle!” I looked over in a field and saw a cow calmly licking a large block of salt which was placed atop a small post in the ground.” -Helen MacMillan
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the television was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside, he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Towels lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?” “Yes?” was his incredulous reply. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
“The family is both the fundamental unit of society as well as the root of culture. It . . . is a perpetual source of encouragement, advocacy, assurance, and emotional refueling that empowers a child to venture with confidence into the greater world and to become all that he can be.” -Marianne E. Neifert: “Dr. Mom’s Parenting Guide” (1991)
Home: A place where a man can say what he likes - because no one takes any notice of him anyway.
“All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” -Leo Tolstoy (Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy (1828 - 1910)): “Anna Karenina” (1875 - 1877), part I, chapter 1
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” -George Moore (George Augustus Moore (1852 - 1933)): “The Brook Kerith” (1916), chapter 11
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head.” -Martin Mull (Martin Eugene Mull (born 1943))
“Home is where the heart is.” -Pliny (Gaius Plinius Secundus, also known as Pliny the Elder (C.E. 23 - C.E. 79)) (similar quotation attributed to James J. McCloskey)
Homes and Families Quiz
- What is fun for the whole family?
- How often should a family share a meal together?
- Who leads a family?
“[Matthew] knows what he would like to do but he’s not sure where he could find a rocket that would shoot [his sister] Vanessa to Mars.” -Paula Danziger: “Earth to Matthew” (1991)
“A family is a haven of rest, a sanctuary of peace, and most of all, a harbor of love.” -Manny Feldman
“For a man’s home is his castle.” -Edward Coke (1552 - 1634): “Third Institute” (1644)
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” -Will Marsh (2012)
“The family that prays together stays together.” -Al Scalpone (Alfred James Scalpone (1913 - 2000))
“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))
“A loving family provides the foundation children need to succeed, and strong families with a man and a woman - bonded together for life - always have been, and always will be, the key to such families.” -Jim Bunning (James Paul David Bunning (1931 - 2017))
“This world will be no better than its homes.” -Richard L. Evans (Richard Louis Evans (1906 - 1971))
“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.” -George Santayana (1863 - 1952): “The Life of Reason” (1905)
’Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.
-J. H. Payne (John Howard Payne (1791 - 1852)): “Clari, or The Maid of Milan” (1823), ‘Home! Sweet Home!’; poem and ballad (song) within an opera
“A happy family is but an earlier Heaven.” -John Bowring (1792 - 1872) (similar quotation attributed to George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950))
There Was an Old Woman
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children
She didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth
Without any bread.
She kissed them all sweetly
And sent them to bed.
by Author Unknown: a Mother Goose rhyme
“He that will have none but a perfect brother must resign himself to remain brotherless.” -Author Unknown
“Wherever we are together, that is home.” -Author Unknown
“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” -Teresa of Calcutta (Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (1910 - 1997))
“Blessed be the ties that bind generations.” -Author Unknown
“Having a place to go - is a home. Having someone to love - is a family. Having both - is a blessing.” -Donna Hedges
“Family: A unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold virus.” -Ogden Nash (Frederick Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971))
“Good homes are still the best source of good humans.” -Neal A. Maxwell (Neal Ash Maxwell (1926 - 2004)): as quoted in “Ensign” (October 1974), page 71
“Family: A group of people, no two of whom like their breakfast eggs cooked the same way.” -Author Unknown
“Home is home, be it never so homely.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 2523
“Three essential ingredients in the recipe for a happier family life are prayer, patience, and understanding.” -Author Unknown
“What is the use of a house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on?” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862): letter (20 May 1860) to Harrison Gray Otis Blake, as published in “Familiar Letters” (1865)
“The family unit plays a critical role in our society and in the training of the generation to come.” -Sandra Day O’Connor (born 1930)
“If this world affords true happiness, it is to be found in a home where love and confidence increase with the years, where the necessities of life come without severe strain, where luxuries enter only after their cost has been carefully considered.” -Alfred Edward Newton
“Family is just accident . . . They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.” -Marsha Norman (born 1947)
“Home wasn’t built in a day.” -Jane Sherwood Ace (1905 - 1974): “Easy Aces” radio show (1928 - 1945): “The Fine Art of Hypochondria by Goodman Ace” (1966)
“A family is where holidays are celebrated with feasting, birthdays are acknowledged with gifts, and thoughts of days gone by kept alive with fond remembrances.” -Manny Feldman
“When there is love in the home there is joy in the heart.” -Author Unknown
“Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.” -David Ogden Stiers (David Allen Ogden Stiers (1942 - 2018))
A house is made of wood and stone,
But only love can make a home.
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” -Virginia Satir
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . much more follows below . . . some serious and some not so serious . . . and some that is difficult to be sure of at all . . .
“Without ice cream there would be darkness and chaos.” -Don Kardong (Donald Franklin Kardong (born 1948))
Charlene: When does an ice cream cone carry an umbrella?
Pauline: When there is a chance of sprinkles.
Clark: Why did the reporter run into the ice cream shop?
Kent: He was hoping to get a big scoop.
Ice cream, who?
Ice cream every time I see a ghost!
Myrna: Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
Martha: It’s cool.
Bert: Would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: “Sherbert!” (“Sure, Bert!”)
Sherbert is a common corruption of the word sherbet, a frozen dessert made of fruit syrup, milk, and the white of an egg, whisked until smooth and opaque, and then frozen.
Sorbets are generally thought of as being fruit based, but can be made with other ingredients. Sorbets belong in the category of what are called ‘ices,’ and are sometimes referred to as granitas or Italian ices. Sorbets made without dairy products are preferred by some people, but always check the ingredients list on the package or ask the food server to find out what the sorbet contains.
Brenda: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
Bernard: “I’m sweet on you!”
“My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate - that’s my philosophy.” -Thornton Wilder (Thornton Niven Wilder (1897 - 1975))
Ice cream soda was invented in 1874 by Robert Green. He was serving a mixture of syrup, sweet cream, and carbonated water at a celebration in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America. He ran out of sweet cream and in its place used ice cream.
Sally: What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
A ‘Classic Ice Cream Sundae’ consists of vanilla ice cream topped with flavored syrup, whipped cream, and a maraschino cherry with stem. The word ‘sundae’ (pronounced like Sunday, the day of the week) comes from sundae syrups commonly made in chocolate, butterscotch, or any of various fruit flavors.
Jasmine: What does ice cream do between Saturday and Monday?
Amber: It goes to Sundae School!
Laws forbidding the sale of sodas on Sundays prompted William Garwood of Evanston, Illinois, United States of America, to invent the ice cream sundae in 1875.
An ice cream cone is an edible wafer or waffle that facilitates the consumption of the melting frozen confection known as ice cream. What was that again, we couldn’t hear you, because we’re too busy eating ice cream.
Tip: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a rolled waffle cone or sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Timmy: Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet?
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Overheard: You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that’s kind of the same thing.
Is there a ‘plain ice cream’ that has no flavors, sweeteners, or colors added to it, just as there is ‘plain yogurt’? Not vanilla ice cream, just plain ice cream? Wow, like, somebody could totally invent that! Howza ’bout you there?
‘À la mode’ is a French phrase meaning ‘fashionable’ or ‘up to date.’ In the world of dessert foods, it refers to a dish served with ice cream on the side or on the top of the food, as for example, a slice of pie with ice cream, called ‘pie à la mode.’ We’ll have ‘pie à la mode’ . . . because we are trying to keep up with the latest in food fashions!
Why can’t a fish stick be a frozen treat - just insert a chopstick in it! Wait, would that be redundant . . . a frozen fish stick on a stick . . . and then make it sticky with tartar sauce . . . a sticky frozen fish stick on a stick . . . this is why they won’t let us anywhere near places where food is being made - or let us engage in conversations with grownups!
Frank Epperson of California, United States of America, invented the Popsicle in 1905 when he was 11 years old.
The next time you go to a grocery store, look to see if ice cream is spelled as one word or two words on packages. You could be that person who leads the cause to change the world by spelling ‘ice cream’ as ‘icecream.’ After all, there is no country called ‘Ice Land,’ is there? Nope, instead it is ‘Iceland’!
“Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.” -Jim Fiebig (1956 - 2016)
Boris: What do you do when you see a Siberian ghost enjoying its favorite frozen dessert?
Ice cream soda.
Ice cream soda, who?
Ice cream soda people can hear me!
Dustin: When is ice cream bad at tennis?
Darren: When it’s a soft serve.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Bernice: What happens when I watch a scary movie with my favorite frozen dessert?
Dennis: I don’t know - what?
Bernice: I scream!
August 6th of each year is National Root Beer Float Day.
Kenny: We’re having root beer floats - would you like one?
Lenny: Root beer floats?!
Kenny: No, it just kind of sits there in the mug - but it’s still pretty good!
To see our easy “Root Beer Float Recipe,” with picture, please visit the ‘Activities’ page by clicking on the link here:
Greg: How do you make an elephant float?
Judy: You take some soda water, add two scoops of ice cream, and then one elephant.
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . we are diagonally parked somewhere in a parallel universe . . . and we are dripping melting ice cream all over the vehicle interior . . . it’s a good thing we brought the dogs along with us this time!
When people speak of ‘quaint old-fashioned manners,’ they seem as if by magic to reappear . . .
There are three little magic words
That will open any door with ease.
Two little words are “Thank you!”
And the other little word is “Please!”
by Author Unknown
Elvis: May I have an apple?
Sylvia: What is the magic word?
Overheard: Try being nice to people, even if it does scare them a little bit at first.
Broad met Stout
At the gate, and each
Was too polite to brush past.
“After you!” said Broad.
“After you!” said Stout.
They got in a dither
And went through together
by Ian Serraillier (1912 - 1994)
“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” -Fred Astaire (pseudonym of Frederick Austerlitz (1899 - 1987))
Lawrence: What do well-behaved young lambs say to their mothers?
Florence: “Thank ewe!”
“Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back.” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)
Al: When you yawn, you are supposed to put your hand over your mouth!
Lex: What, and get bitten?!
“Good manners and soft words have brought many a difficult thing to pass.” -John Vanbrugh (1664 - 1726)
Share Your Toys
Share, share, share your toys,
Share them with your friends
It’s so much fun to share your toys,
Sharing has no end.
by Author Unknown, sung to the melody of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”
Etiquette is the glue that holds society together. It enables people to get on with other human beings without causing offense. It is manners, codified, or formalized. By learning a number of the various rules of etiquette, a person will eventually begin to understand the basic concept and perhaps perceive the overall underlying common thread that makes up the pattern, sometimes called ‘the Golden Rule.’
Netiquette: Manners on the internet, such as not using all-caps, or all-capital letters, which is referred to as, ‘SHOUTING!’
When it comes to jokes and funny stories, before you growl, “I’ve heard that one before,” consider this: Do you stop a pianist who is playing Chopin because you have heard that musical piece before?
Three Nice Mice
Three nice mice!
Three nice mice!
See how nice they are!
See how nice they are!
They’re always polite when they nibble their cheese;
They never forget to say thank you and please;
They cover their noses whenever they sneeze -
Ahhh ahhh ahhh-choo! (pretend sneeze)
Three nice mice!
Three nice mice!
by Author Unknown, sung to the melody of “Three Blind Mice”
Etiquette and manners vary greatly geographically, culturally, religiously, and by economic classes all around the world. There are even variations by generation or age, gender, trade or profession, subculture, other group identity, and other factors. ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’ is an old proverb that means one should respect and follow local laws, customs, and manners.
Elbows off the table, please!
“Good manners will often take people where neither money nor education will take them.” -Author Unknown
“Manners make man.” [Modern English translation]
“Manners makyth man.” [original Middle English]
-William of Wykeham (1320 - 1404); adopted as the motto of Winchester College and New College in Oxford, England
Overheard: Politeness is an inexpensive way of making friends.
Overheard: Be polite to the aged, because you will be one of them soon enough yourself - if you are fortunate.
“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace.” -Judith ‘Miss Manners’ Martin (born 1938)
“I don’t recall your name, but your manners are familiar.” -Oliver Herford (1863 - 1935)
“Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who gives and him who receives, and thus, like mercy, is twice blessed.” -Erastus Wiman (1834 - 1904): “Chances of Success” (1893)
“He was so generally civil, that nobody thanked him for it.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“Hail the small sweet courtesies of life, for smooth do they make the road of it.” -Laurence Sterne (1713 - 1768)
“Manners are of more importance than laws. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)
Mabel: What person do you always take your hat off to?
Abel: The barber.
“Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” -Clarence Thomas (born 1948)
“Those that are good manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country, as the behavior of the country is most mockable at the court.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
“Good manners: The noise you don’t make when you’re eating soup.” -Bennett Cerf (1898 - 1971)
“We must recall the most humanitarian guideline of all: be polite. Being polite is possibly the greatest daily contribution everyone can make to life on Earth.” -Caitlin Moran: “How to be a Woman” (16 June 2011)
Jimmy: Don’t you want to be well-mannered and polite?
Jenny: No, thank you.
“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.” -Author Unknown
Do you recall those quaint old customs and manners of yesteryear? Tip your hats to the ladies, gentlemen. Girls curtsy, and boys bow. A gentleman always has a handkerchief to offer to a lady. A lady drops her handkerchief so that a gentleman can pick it up and hand it to her, a ruse used by the lady to get the gentleman to say a word to her. Gentlemen had calling cards, which they would leave so that people could contact them later. People smiled at strangers as they passed, and often greeted them, as for example, saying, “How do you do?” Well, don’t be sad at their passing - times haven’t changed so much - what’s old can be new again; all it takes is for you to demonstrate the newer versions of these acts yourself when opportunities avail themselves to you, and continue doing them until others begin to emulate you.
“Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.” -Bill Kelly
“One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.” -Josh Billings (pseudonym of Henry Wheeler Shaw (1818 - 1885))
“Should you happen to notice that another person is extremely tall or overweight, eats too much or declines convivial drinks, has red hair, or goes about in a wheelchair, ought to get married or ought not to be pregnant - see if you can refrain from bringing these astonishing observations to that person’s attention.” -Judith ‘Miss Manners’ Martin (born 1938), as quoted in William Safire and Leonard Safir: “Words of Wisdom: More Good Advice” (1989)
“Dressing well is a form of good manners.” -Tom Ford
“Your mood should not dictate your manners.” -Author Unknown
“Associate with well-manner persons and your manners will improve. Run around with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.” -Stanley Walker (1898 - 1962)
“Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts.” -Abel Stevens (1815 - 1897): “Madame de Staël” (1881)
“Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.” -Author Unknown
“Politeness a sign of dignity, not subservience.” -Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919)
“A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one; no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“A Man without Ceremony has need of great Merit in its Place.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 315
“Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals.” -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)
“Politeness makes one appear outwardly as they should be within.” -Jean de la Bruyère (1645 - 1696)
“Visitors should behave in such a way that the host and hostess feel at home.” -J. S. Farynski (Jerzy Stanislaw Farynski)
“He is the very pineapple of politeness!” -Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751 - 1816)
“Something happens inside of us when we are courteous and deferential toward others. It is all part of a refining process, which if persisted in, will change our very natures.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008))
“The knowledge of courtesy and good manners is a very necessary study. It is like grace and beauty, that which begets liking and an inclination to love one another at the first sight.” -Michel de Montaigne (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)): “Essais” (“Essays”) (1595), Book 1, chapter 7
“Politeness costs nothing and gains everything.” -Mary Montagu (Mary Wortley Montagu (1689 - 1762)): letter (30 May 1756) to Mary, Countess of Bute
“Every generation is convinced there has been a deplorable breakdown of manners.” -Byron Dobell (1927 - 2017)
“Politeness is the flower of humanity.” -Joseph Joubert (1754 - 1824)
“Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people’s bad manners.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (Harriett Jackson Brown (born 1940))
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” -Emily Post (1873 - 1960): as attributed in Matthew Gara: “Hey! Let’s Talk It Over” (1967)
“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983): “The Passionate State of Mind” (1955)
“To be a successful hostess, when guest arrive say, ‘At last!’ and when they leave say, ‘So soon!’” -Author Unknown
“Being nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them.” -Author Unknown
“We cannot always oblige; but we can always speak obligingly.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
“Courtesy that is all on one side cannot last long.” -Author Unknown
“Good manners must be inspired by the good heart. There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
“Anyone can be polite to a king. It takes a gentleman to be polite to a beggar.” -Author Unknown
“Etiquette is all human social behavior. If you’re a hermit on a mountain, you don’t have to worry about etiquette; if somebody comes up the mountain, then you’ve got a problem. It matters because we want to live in reasonably harmonious communities.” -Judith ‘Miss Manners’ Martin (born 1938)
“The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones.” -Gabirol (Solomon Ibn Gabirol (about 1022 - 1058))
“We’ve learned to dress for success, to speak for success. Now we need to learn how to behave for success.” -Marjabelle Young Stewart (1924 - 2007)
“Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
“To sleep when others speak, to sit when others stand, to walk on when others stay, to speak when one should hold his peace, or hear others, are all things of ill manners.” -Francis Hawkins (1628 - 1624)
We say, “Thank you.”
We say, “Please.”
We don’t interrupt or tease.
We don’t argue. We don’t fuss.
We listen when folks talk to us.
We share our toys and take our turn.
Good manners aren’t too hard to learn.
It’s really easy, when you find
Good manners means
Just being kind!
by Author Unknown
“Politeness is to do and say the nicest thing in the nicest way.” -Author Unknown
Goodness, how well-mannered you are! You must have had a very good upbringing, or you have taught yourself very well. Perhaps you can teach us a few of your ways of politeness . . . and be sure to come by for a visit from time to time . . . on your way to greatness . . . this is MFOL!
To succeed in life, we must be like ducks, which seem to effortlessly float along in the water, but which paddle energetically just out of sight beneath the water’s surface. Shown above is a pair of Pekin Ducks.
Pekin Ducks are a common farm duck raised for meat and eggs. The ducklings are covered in yellow down, and the adult birds have white feathers. They were brought to America from China in the 1870’s. Another popular farm duck is the Rouen duck, which was originally from France; this duck still has Mallard-like coloring. The Muscovy is an American breed of farm duck having dark feathers.
Jenny: What time do ducks wake up?
Denny: At the quack of dawn!
Ducks are mostly aquatic, or water, birds that live in freshwater and seawater. They can swim on the water’s surface by paddling with their webbed feet, and dive below the water’s surface to find food. Ducks can walk on land and fly through the air. Ducks build nests and lay eggs in them that hatch into ducklings.
Amelia: What type of movie is about water fowl?
Cecelia: A duckumentary.
Gretchen: Why did the duck join the military?
Gerard: She was good at quacking codes.
“When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.” -James Whitcomb Riley (1849 - 1916)
“Suppose you see a bird walking around in a farm yard. This bird has no label that says ‘duck.’ But the bird certainly looks like a duck. Also, he goes to the pond and you notice that he swims like a duck. Then he opens his beak and quacks like a duck. Well, by this time you have probably reached the conclusion that the bird is a duck, whether he’s wearing a label or not.” -Richard Cunningham Patterson, Junior (1886 - 1966)
“If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands.” -Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001): “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency” (1987)
“If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but it needs batteries, you probably have the wrong abstraction.” -Author Unknown: analogy of the Liskov Substitution Principle, suggested by Barbara Liskov: “Data Extraction and Hierarchy” (1987) speech
Ducks cannot walk without bobbing their heads.
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken walked up and said, “Don’t do it, Duck, because you’ll never hear the end of it!”
Amos: What do ducks put on their Christmas trees?
- An adult male duck is called a drake.
- An adult female duck is called a hen.
- A young duck is called a duckling.
- The plural of duck is ducks.
- A group of ducks is called a flock.
- A group of ducks in water is called a raft.
- The sound made by ducks is called quacking.
- Ducks are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals.
- Ducks can live for 3 to 10 years in the wild.
- Ducks can live for 8 or more years in captivity.
- Ducks are found on every continent except Antarctica.
Diving ducks and sea ducks search for food deep underwater. To be able to stay underwater more easily, diving ducks are heavy.
Mandarin Ducks seem to be in competition with butterflies for colors and patterns. The female Mandarin Duck is on the left, and the male Mandarin Duck is the colorful one on the right.
Laura: What do ducks like to eat with soup?
Ducks in the wild are omnivores, or animals that eat plants and animals. They have a varied diet, feeding on aquatic (water) plants, grasses, frogs, small fish, small shellfish, snails, slugs, worms, grubs, insects, and other edibles in their environment.
A duck that I happened to hear
Was complaining quite sadly, “Oh, dear!
Our picnic’s today,
But the weathermen say
That the skies will be sunny and clear.”
by Author Unknown
Let’s make a new animal that we’ll call the ‘duckopotamus.’ Half duck, half hippopotamus, and perfect for flying between bodies of water like rivers and lakes to remove algae overgrowths from them with its huge appetite. Quick, let’s get to the patent office before anyone else thinks of doing this!
Jake: Why was the duck’s medical license revoked?
Jack: Because he was a quack.
A duck waddled into a store to buy some lipstick. The clerk asked how she would like to pay for it, and the duck said, “Just put it on my bill.”
Dabbling ducks feed on the surface of water, on land, or by ducking their heads underwater. Along the edge of their beaks is a comb-like structure called a pecten, which enables them to filter nutrients from the water and hold onto slippery food.
Margie: What goes, “Quick, quick!”?
Maggie: A duck with the hiccups.
Humans often throw pieces of bread to ducks as the ducks swim around in the water of lakes and rivers in parks. People consider this a relaxing recreational activity. To the ducks, it is free food that they get just for being ducks!
Riddle: A duck opens this a crack, and out comes a quack - what is it?
Answer: A bill.
“I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck. I knew the duck was lost, because ducks aren’t supposed to be downtown. There’s nothing for them there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop. I said, ‘Let me have a bun.’ She wouldn’t sell me just the bun; she said it had to have something on it. She said it’s against Subway regulations to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves aren’t supposed to touch. So, I said, ‘All right, put some lettuce on it.’ ‘That’ll be $1.75!’ I said, ‘It’s for a duck!’ ‘Oh, then it’s free.’ I did not know that ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. ‘Let me have the steak fajita sub, and don’t bother ringing it up - it’s for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!’” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
Behold the duck.
It does not cluck.
A cluck it lacks.
It is especially fond
Of a puddle or pond.
When it dines or sups,
It bottoms up.
by Ogden Nash (Frederick Ogden ‘Ogden’ Nash (1902 - 1971))
Ducks are magical! A duck feather weighs about 0.016 to 0.063 grams, so when you see a duck feather, remember that it just barely exists.
Tucker: Who stole the bath soap?
Archer: A robber ducky!
Randall: When ducks fly in a V-formation, do you know why one side is longer than the other?
Russell: Is it because there are more ducks on that side?
The Duck Song
I’m a duck and I like the pond
Swim and play, all day long
All my ducklings swim along
“Quack, quack,” they sing my song
“Quack, quack, quack,” life is fun
Search for food under the Sun
See some snails, they can’t run
They taste so good, yummm . . .
Dad, the drake, he found slugs
Then there were the water bugs
Called to us to share his luck
And we all gave him big hugs
Together we swim along
In and out of the reeds we play
We live a life that’s happy and gay
Tomorrow is another day
by Author Unknown
The most common and recognized species of duck are Mallards, or Wild Ducks. They are dabbling ducks that live naturally in the Americas, Europe, Asia, and North Africa. They have also been introduced to New Zealand and Australia. The male Mallard has a glossy green head, and grey wings and belly, while the female Mallard has brown-speckled plumage.
Maribelle: How are you today?
Maryanne: Just ducky - quack, quack!
Ducks have interlocking feathers with a waxy coating that makes them waterproof. Ducks have a molting season, in which their feathers fall out and new ones grow to take their place. During molting, ducks are much more vulnerable to predators, or animals that want to eat them, because they need their feathers to be able to fly away from danger.
Dave: What do you call a duck that likes to swim with alligators?
Overheard: Whenever it’s raining and I walk past a stranger on the sidewalk, I make the comment that it’s great weather for ducks. They usually look at me like I’m goofy, but I wait a second and then I say, “Quack, quack!” which of course confirms that I must be.
Because ducks are curious and friendly creatures, they have been domesticated as pets and farm animals for more than five hundred years. All domestic ducks are descended from either the Mallard or the Muscovy duck.
Cosmo: What do you call a duck that leads an orchestra?
Stella: A con-duck-tor.
Phil said, “Look at that duck.”
Bill said, “That’s a swan, not a duck.”
“Duck,” insisted Phil.
“Swan,” insisted Bill.
All of a sudden, a low-flying goose was heading straight for Bill.
“Duck, Bill!” shouted Phil.
“Swan!” shouted Bill - and he was conked in the head by the goose.
Down is a layer of extremely soft feathers found under the outer feathers of birds such as ducks and geese. Ducks pluck down from themselves and use it to line their nests to keep their young warm and safe. Ducklings have only down growth covering them until they are old enough to develop feathers. Down is used as an insulator and padding in products such as jackets, pillows, and sleeping bags. It can be obtained without harming birds by gathering it from their nesting areas after young birds have become old enough to leave the nests and accompany their parent birds out into the wider world to learn the birds’ way of life and live on their own.
Patricia: What happens when you drop a duck egg?
Patrick: It quacks.
Marcia: What is the difference between a duck?
Darcy: One foot is the same.
(In case you are wondering, this ridiculous joke has no typing errors or omitted words. It is just as it is meant to be, which is to say, completely nonsensical.)
Amy: Where can you find out more about ducks?
Amelia: You can read all about them in the ducktionary.
Mallard-justed: A duck that does not fit in well.
Anatidaephobia is a persistent fear that, right this moment, somehow, somewhere in the world, a duck is watching you. ‘Anatidaephobia’ is derived from the combination of the Greek word ‘anatidae,’ meaning ducks, geese, or swans, and the Greek word ‘phobos,’ meaning fear. The phobia is actually fictitious (imaginary, not real), having originated in a “Far Side” cartoon by Gary Larson.
Stephen: Why do ducks fly south for the winter?
George: Because it’s too far to walk!
Many wild ducks migrate seasonally. Some ducks are capable of flying 534 kilometers (332 miles) a day.
Cheryl: What is a fast duck?
Charlene: A quick quack.
Charlene: What is an even faster duck?
Cheryl: A quicker quacker!
We have two ducks: one blue, one black.
And when our blue duck goes, “Quack-quack,”
Our black duck quickly goes, “Quack-quack,” back.
The quacks Blue quacks make her quite a quacker
But the Black duck is a quicker quacker-backer.
by Author Unknown
Contrary to a common misconception, a duck’s quack does have an echo, though often too low to be heard.
Quentin: How do you fix a broken duck?
Quincy: Just use some duck-tape.
A duck walked into a feedstore and asked, “Got any duck feed?” The clerk told him, “No, we don’t have a market for it, so we don’t carry it.” The duck said, “Okay,” and left the store. The next day, the duck again walked in to the feedstore and asked, “Got any duck feed?” Again the clerk said no and the duck left. Next day, the duck again walked in to the feedstore and asked, “Got any duck feed?” The clerk said, “I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed. We’ve never had duck feed, and we will never have duck feed. If you ask me again, I will nail your feet to the floor.” So the duck left. The next day, the duck walked in and asked, “Got any nails?” “No,” said the clerk. So the duck asked, “Got any duck feed?”
Six Little Ducks
Six little ducks that I once knew:
Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, too -
And the one little duck with the feathers on his back,
He led them all with his quack, quack, quack.
Down to the river they would go,
Wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble, to and fro -
And the one little duck with the feathers on his back,
He led the others with his quack, quack, quack.
Into the water he would dive,
Then in would go the other five.
The one little duck with the feathers on his back,
He led them all with his quack, quack, quack.
by Author Unknown
Wise quacker: A smart duck.
Riddle: What do you call a crate of ducks?
Answer: A box of quackers.
Now let us all waddle about and be as happy as ducks . . . as we make our way to the next topic . . . on ‘MFOL!’
“No one is perfect - that’s why pencils have erasers.” -Wolfgang Riebe
Charles: How can one person makes so many mistakes in a single day?
Chuck: I get up early.
“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You are doing things you have never done before, and more importantly, you are doing something. So that is my wish for you, and all of us. And my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody has ever made before. Do not freeze, do not stop, do not worry that it is not good enough, or it is not perfect, whatever it is. Art, or love, or work, or family, or life. Whatever it is you are scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes. Next year and forever and ever.” -Neil Gaiman (Neil Richard MacKinnon Gaiman (born 1960))
“People seldom make the same mistake twice - usually it is ten or more times that they do so!” -Author Unknown
We are human.
We are not perfect.
We are alive.
We try things.
We make mistakes.
We stumble. We fall.
We get hurt. We rise again.
We try again.
We keep learning.
We keep growing.
And we are thankful
for this priceless
opportunity called life.
“From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
“Making mistakes does not make you unworthy of love - it makes you human.” -Author Unknown
A mistake that I made said, “My Dear,
I’m dreadfully sorry I’m here,
But my feet are so big,
And my nails cut and dig,
So I’ll be here for a while, I fear.”
by Author Unknown
“A mistake shows that someone tried to do something.” -Author Unknown
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I don’t regret any of them. Sometimes that’s the only way you learn.” -Nick Nolte (Nicholas King Nolte (born 1941))
“What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!” -Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937)
“We all make mistakes, but everyone makes different mistakes.” -Ludwig van Beethoven (1770 - 1827)
“Remember your past mistakes just long enough to profit by them.” -Dan McKinnon
“My friend Danny Breslin from Florida tells the story of two men who were sitting on a bench in London’s Hyde Park. They wanted to go shopping in Oxford Street. One of them got up and started walking in the wrong direction, but he asked the way and a passerby put him right. He finally arrived at the shops but the other man just stayed on the bench. That guy who was walking in the wrong direction was on his way. Even his mistakes were part of getting there. The guy on the bench got nowhere. So if it feels right, give it a whirl, says Danny.” -Celia Haddon (born 1945)
“Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.” -Author Unknown
“We learn to walk by stumbling.” -Author Unknown: Bulgarian proverb
“Today is a new day. You will get out of it just what you put into it. If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. And supposing you have tried and failed again and again, you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” -Mary Pickford (born Gladys Louise Smith (1893 - 1979))
“The wisest of the wise may err.” -Aeschylus (525 B.C.E. - 456 B.C.E.)
“My life is full of mistakes. They’re like pebbles that make a good road.” -Beatrice Wood (1893 - 1998)
“In school we learn that mistakes are bad, and we are punished for making them. Yet if you look at the way humans are designed to learn, we learn by making mistakes. We learn to walk by falling down. If we never fell down, we would never walk.” -Robert T. Kiyosaki (Robert Toru Kiyosaki (born 1947))
“A mistake is a lesson on its way to being learned.” -Robert Orben (born 1927)
“Mistakes are just steps, sometimes necessary, in the learning process.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” -Hugh L. White
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Note Book” (1927)
“One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.” -Author Unknown
You may have noticed a large number of mistakes and errors on the Make Fun Of Life! Website. We have made them deliberately, for the benefit of the people who enjoy pointing out mistakes . . . because we want everyone to be joyous!
“You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
“If you’re not making mistakes then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.” -John Wooden (John Robert Wooden (1910 - 2010))
“Don’t carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.” -Author Unknown
“Only some of us learn by other people’s mistakes; the rest of us have to be the other people.” -Author Unknown
“Whenever you make a mistake or get knocked down by life, don’t look back at it too long. Mistakes are life’s way of teaching you.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))
“One mistake does not have to rule a person’s entire life.” -Joyce Meyer (born Pauline Joyce Hutchison (born 1943)): “Any Minute” (30 June 2009)
“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” -James Joyce (1882 - 1941)
“Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.” -Georgette Mosbacher (born 1947)
“Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.” -Phyllis Theroux (Phyllis Grissim-Theroux (born 1939))
“We’ve all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it’s more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Making mistakes does not mean you’re a failure. It just means you’re trying and learning in life.” -Author Unknown
“If you must make a mistake, make a new one each time.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one.” -Author Unknown
“Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.” -Sophia Loren (pseudonym of Sophia Sciccoloni (born 1934))
“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Show us a man who never makes a mistake and we will show a man who never makes anything. The capacity for occasional blundering is inseparable from the capacity to bring things to pass.” -Herman Lincoln Wayland (1830 - 1898)
“We don’t make mistakes. We just have learnings.” -Anne Wilson Schaef (born 1934)
“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb
“Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.” -Nikki Giovanni (Yolande Cornelia ‘Nikki’ Giovanni, Junior (born 1943))
“I would rather surround myself with people who make a lot of mistakes and have no problem admitting them, than to surround myself with people who think they make none.” -Author Unknown
“I’ve failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan (born 1963)
“The main thing we learn from our mistakes . . . is that we make a lot of them.” -Author Unknown
“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.” -Henry C. Link (Henry Charles Link (1889 - 1952))
“There is hardly a mistake which in the course of our lives we have committed, but some proverb, had we known and attended to its lesson, might have saved us from it.” -Richard Chenevix Trench (1807 - 1886): “Proverbs and Their Lessons” (1905)
“No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Despite our failings, we still deserve respect. Don’t let anyone put you down.” -Author Unknown
Karen: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
“Some people never make a mistake, nor do they ever make anything else.” -Author Unknown
“Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.” -Bob Ross (Robert Norman Ross (1942 - 1995))
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” -John Powell (1882 - 1963)
Overheard: I am human and I make mistakes.
“The secret of success is not avoiding mistakes, but learning from them.” -Michael Josephson (born 1942)
“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” -Paulo Coelho (born 1947)
“It would be a mistake to not try something for fear of making a mistake.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
“No man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes.” -William Gladstone (William Ewart Gladstone (1809 - 1898))
“It is normal to make mistakes. If people cannot accept that, they do not deserve to be around you.” -Author Unknown
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.” -Will Durant (1885 - 1981)
Overheard: Have you ever noticed that no one notices you until you make a mistake?
“When you are not afraid to do it wrong the first time, you will eventually get it right.” -Author Unknown
“Never make the same mistake twice or you’ll never get around to all of them.” -Author Unknown
“Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster.” -Weston H. Agor (Weston Harris Agor (1939 - 2007))
“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes that I am thinking about making a few more.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: We all make mistakes. Don’t let that be a reason to give up.
“He who makes no mistakes makes no progress.” -Teddy Roosevelt (Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919))
“A mistake is simply another way of doing things.” -Katharine Graham (1917 - 2001)
“You can learn from your mistakes, so be sure to make some.” -Bil Keane (William Aloysius ‘Bil’ Keane (1922 - 2011))
“Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” -Author Unknown
“It took me a long time to learn that mistakes aren’t good or bad, they’re just mistakes, and you clean them up and go on.” -Kaye Gibbons (born 1960)
“Mistakes show us what we need to learn.” -Peter McWilliams
“Whenever you fall, pick up something.” -Oswald Avery (Oswald Theodore Avery, Junior (1877 - 1955))
“By ignorance we make mistakes, and by making mistakes we learn.” -Edmund Fuller
“All great discoveries are made by mistake.” -Author Unknown
“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott (born 1939)
“Without mistakes, there would be no accidental discoveries, and without accidental discoveries, there would be far fewer better methods found, far fewer inventions made, and much less beneficial progress. The great untold secret of everything in which humans engage is that much of it would never result in useful outcomes were it not for the vast number of mistakes within it, mistakes that go by the name ‘accidental discoveries.’” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“If you’re making mistakes it means you’re out there doing something.” -Neil Gaiman (Neil Richard MacKinnon Gaiman (born 1960))
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” -Emily Kimbrough
“It seems that the necessary thing to do is not to fear mistakes, to plunge in, to do the best that one can, hoping to learn enough from blunders to correct them eventually.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970))
Well, that about wraps things up for now . . . we are eager to get back to making a whole lot more mistakes . . . because that is how we are certain to learn . . . and to succeed . . . let’s all go out and make some mistakes . . . and continue to ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
It is very important to remember to smile as often as possible, because as we all know, there is not enough smiling going on in the world today . . .
“Smiling is a great way to look your best.” -Author Unknown
“I add a smile to everything I wear and that has worked great for me.” -David White (1916 - 1990)
“If you smile at someone, they might smile back.” -Author Unknown
I gave away my smile
to the girl across the street.
She gave it to her brother
as they sat down to eat.
Her brother gave it to their Mom,
she wore it for a day.
Then gave it to another girl
whose name was Paula Kay.
Paula took her smile outside
and stood next to a tree.
She put her hands upon her hips
then gave it back to me.
by Author Unknown
“A smile can brighten someone’s day without using a penny’s worth of electricity.” -Author Unknown
“Smiling is the best way to face every problem, to crush every fear, to hide every pain.” -Author Unknown
Just learn and grow!
“Always smile back at little children . . . to ignore them is to destroy their belief that the world is good.” -Pam Brown
“If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.” -Author Unknown
“SMILE is an acronym for See Miracles In Life Everyday.” -Author Unknown
“I have never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.” -Author Unknown
“You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile.” -Charlie Chaplin (Charles Spencer ‘Charlie’ Chaplin (1889 - 1977))
“It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)): “The Great Gatsby” (10 April 1925)
“Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
“A smile is something you can’t give away; it always comes back to you.” -Author Unknown
“Sometimes it’s hard to force a smile, but sometimes we have to; it’s what gets us through the hard times.” -Author Unknown
“A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.” -Charles Gordy
“You want to know who’s got the most amazing and beautiful smile ever - read the first word of the sentence again!” -Author Unknown
“Smile . . . there are more than seven billion people in the world - don’t let just one ruin your day.” -Author Unknown
“Is a smile a question? Or is it the answer?” -Lee Smith
“If you want people to like you, smile!” -Author Unknown
“Nothing is more beautiful than a real smile that has struggled through tears.” -Author Unknown
“The world always looks better from behind a smile.” -Author Unknown
“A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
“Lose your smile and lose your customers.” -Sam Walton (1918 - 1992)
“A smile is the shortest distance between two people.” -Victor Borge (1909 - 2000)
“Let your smile change the world; don’t let the world change your smile.” -Author Unknown
“A smile is worth much more than it costs.” -Author Unknown
“Sometimes just a smile on our face can help to make this world a better place.” -Robert Alan
“Smiles are great investments; the more you collect, the better you feel.” -Author Unknown
“I would walk miles for one of your smiles.” -Author Unknown
“A smile is the best makeup a girl can wear.” -Author Unknown
“Smiling is my favorite exercise.” -Author Unknown
“To receive a smile, give one away!” -Author Unknown
“A smile is a frown turned upside down.” -Author Unknown
“A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head, and the heating system of the heart.” -Unknown
“A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.” -Author Unknown
“It takes seventeen muscles to smile and forty-three muscles to frown.” -Author Unknown
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” -Phyllis Diller (pseudonym of Phyllis Ada Driver (1917 - 2012))
“All people smile in the same language.” -Author Unknown
“If you will force yourself to smile, you’ll end up laughing. You will be cheerful because you smile. Repeated experiments have shown that when a person assumes the facial expression of a given mental mood - any given mood - then that mental mood itself will follow.” -Kenneth Goode
“A smile is the universal welcome.” -Max Eastman
“After six years without seeing one, I love just seeing a smile - every smile I see gives me hope.” -Ingrid Betancourt (Ingrid Betancourt Pulecio (born 1961))
“A smile confuses an approaching frown.” -Author Unknown
“I smile because I do not know what in the world is going on.” -Author Unknown
“Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there is so much to smile about.” -Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Mortenson (1926 - 1962))
“A smile makes you feel good, and when you feel good, good things happen.” -Terri Lynn
“Smile! It increases your face value.” -Robert Harling (Robert M. Harling III (born 1951)): “Steel Magnolias” (5 November 1989)
“A smile on your face will do wonders for your appearance. It will give you youthfulness and optimism that beauty treatments or counselling sessions never could.” -Author Unknown
“Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you are up to!” -Author Unknown
“A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside.” -Denis Waitley (Denis E. Waitley (born 1933))
“Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody’s heart.” -Anthony J. D’Angelo
“A smile appeared upon her face as if she’d taken it directly from her handbag and pinned it there.” -Loma Chandler
It comforts the weary, gladdens the sad
consoles those in trouble, good or bad.
To rich and poor, beggar or thief,
it’s free to all of any belief.
A natural gesture of young and old
cheers on the faint, disarms the bold.
Unlike most blessings for which we pray,
it’s the only thing we keep when we give it away.
by Author Unknown
“Most smiles are started by another smile.” -Frank A. Clark (Frank Atherton Clark (1911 - 1991))
Ten Reasons to Smile
1. It makes you attractive
2. It changes your mood.
3. It is contagious.
4. It relieves stress.
5. It boosts your immune system.
6. It lowers your blood pressure.
7. It releases endorphins.
8. It lifts the face and makes you appear younger.
9. It makes you seem successful.
10. It helps you stay positive.
by Author Unknown
“Learn to smile at every situation. See it as an opportunity to prove your strength and ability.” -Joe Brown
“Smile, for everyone lacks self-confidence and more than any other one thing a smile reassures them.” -André Maurois (pseudonym of Émile Salomon Wilhelm Herzog (1885 - 1967))
“Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.” -Jim Beggs
“A smile can brighten the darkest day.” -Author Unknown
I had an extra smile
When I left the house today
I thought I’d give it to someone
I passed along the way.
I tried to give the smile away
Each time I gave it to someone
They’d give it back to me.
So now I have a bunch of smiles,
What am I to do?
I think I’ll keep a couple
And then give the rest to you!
by Author Unknown
“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” -Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)
“Smile. The sunshine of your smile might chase the clouds from someone’s life today. It may be the ray of sunshine that someone needs in an otherwise stormy day.” -Author Unknown
Smile and forgive;
It’s the only way to live.
“People are not perfect - except when they smile.” -Author Unknown
“If you did not start out the day with a smile, it is not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.” -Author Unknown
“Just because a person smiles all the time, doesn’t mean their life is perfect. That smile is a symbol of hope and strength.” -Lauryn Hill (Lauryn Noelle Hill (born 1975))
Lost Your Smile?
You haven’t lost your smile -
It’s been there all the while,
Just waiting for the word -
That smiling’s back in style!
by Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“If you don’t have a smile, I’ll give you one of mine.” -Author Unknown
“A smile of encouragement at the right moment may act like sunlight on a closed up flower; it may be the turning point for a struggling life.” -Alfred A. Montapert (Alfred Armand Montapert (1906 - 1997))
“Smiling is good for you and it is good for the people around you.” -Author Unknown
“I hope you always find a reason to smile.” -Author Unknown
“A smile gives your face something to do and it is good exercise and makes you look better.” -Author Unknown
“Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.” -Author Unknown
“We do not smile because something good has happened; rather something good happens because we smile.” -Author Unknown
“If you’re not using your smile, you’re like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no checkbook.” -Les Giblin (born 1912)
“Anyone can smile on their best day. I like to meet a man who can smile on his worst.” -Lauren Graham (Lauren Helen Graham (born 1967)): “Someday, Someday, Maybe” (30 April 2013)
“Smile and the world will smile with you . . . Frown and it will leave you alone.” -Pamela Prichard
“Smile, it’s the easiest way to improve your day.” -Author Unknown
“Nobody needs a smile so much as the one who has none to give.” -Lawrence G. Lovasik (1913 - 1986)
“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” -Teresa of Calcutta (Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (1910 - 1997))
“Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.” -Author Unknown, as quoted in H. Jackson Brown, Junior (born 1940): “P.S. I Love You” (1990)
“Smile - happy looks good on you!” -Author Unknown
“Smile, even when life does not present reasons for doing so, because your smile is a reason for many others to smile.” -Author Unknown
“Make it a regular habit to smile - and watch as miracles begin to happen all around you.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Did you make someone smile today? You’ve still got time.” -Melissa Stewart
You look amazing when you smile . . . you should do it more often . . . now back to further fun and learning on ‘MFOL!’ . . .
“The way we dress affects the way we think, the way we feel, the way we act, and the way others react to us.” -Judith Rasband
“Dress as if you have made something of yourself in the world, even if you have not.” -Author Unknown
“Never wear anything that panics the cat.” -P. J. O’Rourke (Patrick Jake O’Rourke (born 1947))
“Your shoes have to match your belt. That’s rule number one for guys. You can’t put the brown shoes with the black belt. Or a brown belt with a black wristwatch. Just don’t do it! Also, I don’t like boots with suits. And when you wear sneakers, make sure they go with your shirt.” -Ashton Kutcher (Christopher Ashton Kutcher (born 1978))
Riddle: What has two legs but cannot run?
Solution: A pair of trousers.
“Successful dress is really no more than achieving good taste and the look of the upper middle class.” -John T. Molloy (born 1937): “Dress for Success” (1975)
What do your clothes and other articles you wear or carry say about you? Do they accurately tell people who you really are? Are they giving people the wrong impression or the right impression, insofar as how you wish to be regarded?
One of the oldest pieces of women’s clothing discovered to date is a skirt similar to a Pacific-islander grass skirt, with bronze ornaments on the lower edge that would have jingled when its wearer walked or danced. Was it an article of clothing or a musical instrument?
“When in doubt, wear red.” -Bill Blass (William Ralph ‘Bill’ Blass (1922 - 2002))
“The well-dressed man never stands out in a crowd; his elegance sets him apart.” -Oscar de la Renta (pseudonym of Óscar Arístides Renta Fiallo (1932 - 2014))
Andy: Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
Barney: For holding up a pair of trousers.
“A well-dressed man is the best accessory a woman can have.” -Coco Chanel (1883 -1971)
“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater . . . suggest that he wear a tail.” -Fran Lebowitz (Frances Ann ‘Fran’ Lebowitz (born 1950))
Animal hides and furs were one of the first types of clothing humans wore, and they continue to be worn even now for their warmth in areas that have an extremely cold climate. However, in most places today, wearing fur is regarded as a luxury and has been made increasingly socially unacceptable through the efforts of animal rights activists.
Jesse: Why are you wearing that fur coat?
Bessie: To stay warm, that’s what fur!
“No one in the world needs a mink coat but a mink.” -Murray Banks (1917 - 2008)
“If you look good and dress well, you don’t need a purpose in life.” -Robert Pante
Until the mid-Middle Ages, clothes were usually fastened with ties (short lengths of rawhide or other material), beads-and-loops, or toggles. Lacing similar to the kind now used on shoes was still favored on clothes until the late 1600’s, as the best way to create a fit that could grow or shrink with one’s figure, during those times of alternating feast and famine. The first buttons as we recognize them appeared on clothes in the Middle Ages as a form of decoration. Zippers and Velcro would appear only much later in history.
“People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.” -Author Unknown
God Bless My Underwear
God bless my underwear
My only pair
Stand beside us
And guide us
Through the wash and
The wear and the tear
Through the washer
And the dryer
And the clothesline back to me
God bless my underwear
My only pair.
by Author Unknown: sung to the same tune as “God Bless America”
The YKK seen on most zippers stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikkaisha, which roughly translates as the Yoshida Company Limited. Founded in 1934, YKK is the most widely-recognized zipper maker in the world.
Overheard: Amazing - you just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes!
Old Person of Brill
There was an old person of Brill,
Who purchased a shirt with a frill;
But they said, “Don’t you wish,
You mayn’t look like a fish,
You obsequious old person of Brill?”
by Edward Lear (1812 - 1888)
The clingy material Velcro was inspired by Burdock seeds, which have soft stickers that cling to clothing.
Not long ago, most people wore clothing made at home, usually of wool, linen, or less commonly, cotton. First, animal or plant fibers had to be spun into long pieces of thread, and then the thread had to be woven into cloth. The fabric was either left in its natural color or colored with dyes made from plants.
“The best-dressed woman is one whose clothes wouldn’t look too strange in the country.” -Hardy Amies (Edwin Hardy Amies (1909 - 2003))
“Dressing well is a form of politeness.” -Tom Ford
During the 1860’s, dresses were so wide that women often found themselves stuck while trying to get through doorways. But women alone cannot be blamed for this silliness, because historically and right up to the present time, both men and women have been fashion designers and dressmakers.
“Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.” -Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885))
“To me, clothing is a form of self-expression - there are hints about who you are in what you wear.” -Marc Jacobs (born 1963)
Nothing to Wear
Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls;
Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in;
Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in;
Dresses in which to do nothing at all;
Dresses for Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall.
by William Allen Butler (1825 -1902)
The invention of the automobile and the bicycle had a noticeable influence on women’s fashions. In the 1900’s, skirts became shorter to enable women to step into automobiles and climb onto bicycles more easily.
“There’s no such thing as a designer of menswear - it’s only history. The suit around the world is based on the English suit, which began in about 1670.” -Hardy Amies (Edwin Hardy Amies (1909 - 2003))
“Fashions fade, style is eternal.” -Yves Saint-Laurent (Yves Henri Donat Mathieu-Saint-Laurent (1936 - 2008))
By law, in Carmel, New York, United States of America, men are not allowed to go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
“When you can’t do something truly useful, you tend to vent the pent up energy in something useless but available, like snappy dressing.” -Lois McMaster Bujold (born 1949)
“My dad’s pants kept creeping up on him. By sixty-five, he was just a pair of pants and a head.” -Jeff Altman (born 1951)
I once had a cousin named Bruce
Whose clothing was always quite spruce.
To people who stared
He frankly declared
“Without them, I’d be a recluse.”
by Author Unknown
Harry S Truman was a haberdasher before becoming an American President. In partnership with his old Army buddy Edward Jacobson, he owned the Truman & Jacobson haberdashery at 104 West 12th Street in Kansas City, Kansas, United States of America. The pair started selling suits and accessories for gentlemen on 28 November 1919, and continued in the business until the Great Depression of the 1930’s forced them out of business.
“I often take a brand-new suit or hat and throw it up against the wall a few times to get that stiff, square newness out of it.” -Fred Astaire (pseudonym of Frederick Austerlitz (1899 - 1987))
The wasting moth ne’er spoil’d my best array;
The cause was this: I wore it every day.
-Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744)
“Over the years I have learned that what is important in a dress is the woman who is wearing it.” -Yves Saint-Laurent (Yves Henri Donat Mathieu-Saint-Laurent (1936 - 2008))
Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.
Women’s trousers, including pants and slacks and jeans, as worn now, were not regarded as acceptable for wearing in public until the Second World War. It was during the war that women began to do work that had formerly been done more commonly by men. Able-bodied men had been sent off to distant battlefields, and with a shortage of men to do work, manufacturers, businesses, farmers, and even the government began hiring women workers in their place. Before that time, women usually wore dresses or skirts with blouses, and worked in the home.
“Don’t get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.” -Kathryn Carpenter
An increased emphasis on youth culture began in America during the 1950’s. Clothing styles started to lean toward the younger folks. The poodle skirt, which is a circle skirt having an embroidered dog and leash on the front, became fashionable. Who says we can’t put bit of whimsy into our attire?
Jeans are trousers made from a heavy cotton fabric called denim. ‘Denim’ was originally called ‘serge de Nîmes,’ and came from the French seaside manufacturing town of Nîmes starting in the late 17th century. Over time, ‘de Nîmes’ was shortened to ‘denim.’ Jeans themselves were named after Genoan sailors from Genoa, Italy, who were locally known as ‘Genes,’ and who wore the material as clothing. Jeans were further developed as heavy-duty work trousers in the 1870’s by Levi Strauss, in California, United States of America. Levi’s jeans were originally dyed brown, but later were dyed the now-familiar blue color. Because all jeans are made from denim cloth, the term ‘denim jeans’ is redundant. One bale of cotton can be made into as many as 215 pairs of jeans.
“I have jeans with holes in them and I have nice jeans. I have casual and I have dressy jeans. I’ve got all kinds.” -Amanda Seyfried (Amanda Michelle Seyfried (born 1985))
Bell-bottom trousers were first worn by navy sailors, and were introduced to the fashion world by the hippies, with widespread popularity following soon thereafter. Also known as ‘flared’ pants, bell-bottoms are a garment associated with the societal trends of the 1960’s and 1970’s. They are a clothing article that many people still consider as an essential item in women’s wardrobes, and can even be paired with blouses that have flared sleeves and platform shoes to complete the hip flower-child look.
“Sweater: Garment worn by a child when his mother is feeling chilly.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
“You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.” -Henrik Ibsen (Henrik Johan ‘Henrik’ Ibsen (1828 - 1906)): “An Enemy of the People” (1882), act 5
“Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.” -Janet Lane
“Semper ubi sub ubi.” [Latin]
“Always wear underwear.” [English translation]
Business people wear uniforms, though they may not think of what they wear as being such. They usually have greater leeway in choices of colors and patterns and styles and in choosing where to buy their clothes. Uniforms rules for business people are either stated openly in employee manuals and by workplace supervisors, or individual business people are expected to arrive at their own understanding of how to dress based on their own observations of other business people.
“With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being civilized.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
Women’s clothes have buttons on the left side, while men’s clothes have buttons on the right side. When buttons were invented, they were expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because women were dressed by maids or servants, and because most people are right-handed, dressmakers placed the buttons where they would be easily reached. Men’s clothes had the button on the right, because they tended to dress themselves. Additionally, as men’s and women’s clothing became more similar and was mass produced and mass marketed, some type of way to easily tell men’s and women’s clothing apart was needed.
“It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.” -Mary Wilson Little (possibly born about 1880)
Fond pride of dress is sure a very curse;
Ere fancy you consult, consult your purse.
Frank: Do you have holes in your clothes?
Ernest: No, of course not.
Frank: Then how do you get them on?
Evelyn: I think the clothes dryer must have shrunk my blouse. The collar is so tight that I can hardly breathe.
Daniel: Don’t be silly; you have put your head through the buttonhole.
“Dress like you are already the successful person you hope to become.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“I wear V-neck shirts. I can’t wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
“Labels on garments stating ‘One Size Fits All’ or even One Size Fits Most’ are a very un-funny joke that has been played on all of us for far too long - is there a lawyer somewhere out there who is willing to defend us against this kind of false advertising?” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Euripides pants and you won’t get another pair!
“Nothing else you can wear will ever make you feel as warm as a wedding band.” -Marilyn vos Savant (born 1946): “Ask Marilyn” (25 September 2005)
“Know, first, who you are; then adorn yourself accordingly.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135.)
Marie de Medici, a member of that famous Italian family and a 17th-century queen of France, had expensive tastes in clothes. One of her dresses was outfitted with 39,000 tiny pearls and 3,000 diamonds, and cost the equivalent of $20 million at the time it was made, in 1606. She wore it just once.
“She wears her clothes as if they had been thrown on her with a pitchfork.” -Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745)
“You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” -Martin Charnin (born 1934)
“Dress for success. Image is very important. People judge you by the way you look on the outside.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
Question: What did the shoe say to the hat?
Answer: You go on ‘a-head,’ and I will follow you ‘on foot.’
“What belts do is finish a look. Whether you’re wearing pants, jeans, a dress or skirt, a belt gives the outfit a finishing touch. It’s polished.” -Julie Helman
“Good clothes open all doors.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)
You will always look simply smashing in properly chosen garments. There is much more to learn coming up next . . . on 'MFOL!'
Here we have one of those fancy ‘made for the movies’ pirates. A real pirate would be wearing filthy rags and have the dreaded scurvy, and because we would not want to disgust you by showing you such a person, we won’t! Now let’s all make pirate noises. Rrr! Argh! Rrr-rrr-rrr!
Rich: What are pirates afraid of?
Rick: The darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
Serendipity: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
Agatha: What does a fancy pirate add to his dinner?
Agnes: A garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnish!
Pirates: No-good people who most assuredly arrive at a no-good end.
Real-life pirates are murderous, thieving, low-life criminal scum who steal ships and have historically met their end on the hangman’s noose, and in recent times have been sent to filthy, overcrowded, rat-infested prisons for the remainder of their miserable days, but we will have some fun at their expense nonetheless.
Morris: Where do pirates keep their cookies?
Morton: In cookie jarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!
Amelia: How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook-hand?
Emily: An arm and a leg!
William the Crook
A pirate named William the Crook,
Serves his crew with his gigantic hook,
“I impale some marshmallows,
Toast them up for the fellows,
Make some cocoa, and read them a book.”
by Author Unknown
Forget about the treasure chests shown in pretend pirate movies - the one shown above is how a real treasure chest would have looked. What, is it not glamorous enough for the likes of you? Well, suit yourself. If by chance you want to see what an authentic pirate chest would have held inside, continue reading and you will soon come to a picture of real pirate loot, shown further below.
Clark: Why can you not take a picture of a pirate with a wooden leg?
Kent: Because a wooden leg does not take pictures!
Tucker: What goes, “99-thump, 99-thump?”
Tyler: A pirate centipede with a wooden leg.
Annette: Where do pirates park their ships?
Nettie: In the harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbor!
Merrill: What is a pirate’s second favorite type of transportation?
Marla: A carrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Scurvy is a preventable health condition caused by going too long without eating foods containing vitamin C, as some seafarers such as pirates do. The symptoms are too horrible to describe here, so just be sure to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables so that you do not become a scurvy pirate!
Byron: What “Star Wars” character is really a pirate?
Helga: What is a pirate’s favorite doll?
A Pirate ship came ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ended up in an eatery sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp was dirty, so he rubbed it clean, and a genie came out, promising to grant him any three wishes he wanted. Immediately he wished for a huge mug of cold apple cider that would never run dry. “Granted,” said the genie. Excitedly the pirate downed the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refilled itself. He emptied it again, and it again magically refilled, just as he had wished. “This is great!” he said. “And what about your second and third wishes?” asked the genie. The pirate, still delighted about his magic mug, quickly replied, “I’ll have two more just like this!”
This pirate treasure may not be much to look at, but to a real pirate, it is the stuff of dreams. Up until quite recent times, coins were basically lumps of metal such as silver, copper, gold, or alloys (combinations of different metals melted together) that had been hammered flat or made by clumsily pouring molten metal into rough molds. Old coins from the time of pirates and sailing ships often were not perfectly round, not very shiny, and were well-worn down, but were nonetheless valuable.
Jeffrey: What did the pirate ship captain keep in his musical treasure chest?
Geoffrey: The lute!
Pirate from Nertskinski
A pirate who hailed from Nertskinski
Became so exceedingly thinski
That while cleaning his gun,
When the day’s fight was done,
He looked down the bore and fell inski.
by Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898))
Pearl: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced for earrings?
Cora: A buccaneer!
Cassandra: Where do pirates get their hair cut?
Cassie: At the barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrber shop!
Knock, scratch, knock.
Jack: What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
Jake: You would think it is the ‘r’ but it is really the ‘c.’
Pirate ship: A thugboat.
Pirates often did not take pride in their vessels, so what we see here is typical of the sad state of disrepair in which a gang of murderous thieves would have kept a ship.
Connie: What clings to the underside of pirate ships and slows them down?
For any landlubbers who might be foolhardy enough to want to learn about real pirates, we heartily recommend the book, “Thomas Jefferson and the Tripoli Pirates” (3 November 2015) by Brian Kilmeade and Don Yaeger. You can get it into your grubby paws by making a visit to your local library, or you can exchange some gold doubloons or whatever currency you might have for it at your favorite bookseller.
Martin: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Mortimer: A buccaneer!
A man went to the employment office looking for work. He was told that he could have the part of Long John Silver in a new movie version of “Treasure Island.” “That’s marvelous!” said the man. “How much will I be paid?” “Ten thousand dollars a week,” was the reply. “Great!” said the man. “So do I start acting on Monday?” “Oh, no,” said the clerk. “On Monday, you’re having your leg amputated.”
Pirate Pete: What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs and two hands?
Pirate Paul: Rookie.
Toby: When do pirates plant trees?
Tobias: On Arrrborrr Day! (For to make their wooden legs, don’t you be a-knowin’!)
Swashbuckling: To engage in daring and romantic adventures with ostentatious bravado or flamboyance. Aaarrrggghhh, don’t ask us, we really don’t know what that means, either.
Erma: Why could the pirate not play cards?
Myrna: Because the captain was standing on the deck!
Pegleg: Why do pirate ships have Global Positioning System (GPS) devices?
Captain Hook: So that pirates always know where they arrr-rrr!
A flag bearing a black field, upon which is displayed a skull and crossbones, is associated with pirate ships . . . but what if real pirates do not give such warnings, instead preferring to make surprise sneak attacks, or raids, upon sleepy coastal towns and unprotected merchant trading ships?
Agatha: Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him?
Amanda: Because the movie was rated ‘arrrrrrrrrgh!’
Creative types think pirates are so great that they are making up new kinds of pirates: pirate princesses, pirate cheerleaders, pirate cats, pirate fairies . . . how much further can this silliness go?
Pirate cheerleaders have it easy: “Give me an Rrrrrr!”
Astor: Why are pirates called pirates?
Reed: They just arrrrrrgh!
Naomi: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Vanessa: Because they spend years at ‘c’!
Pirate of Boulder
There was a bold pirate of Boulder
Whose cutlass was slung from his shoulder.
He’d mighty fine notions
Of plundering oceans,
But his mom said, “Perhaps when you’re older.”
by Graham Lester
Milford: What is a pirate’s second career choice?
A common belief about pirates is that they made people walk along a plank until they fell into the sea, where they would be eaten by sharks. This popular notion simply is not true; author James Matthew Barrie made it up for his children’s storybook, “Peter Pan” (1928).
Riddle: What has eight arms and eight legs and eight eyes?
Solution: Eight pirates!
“I’ll never pet an alligator again,” Captain Hook said offhandedly.
Patrice: What is a pirate’s favorite hobby?
Lydia: What is a pirate’s favorite country?
Renée: Where do pirates put their trash?
Sheila: In the garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbage can!
Blake: Why does Captain Hook have trouble telling time?
Caleb: His second hand keeps falling off.
Sue: What does a vegan pirate do?
Stu: He starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves!
Well, shiver me timbers, laddies and lassies, thar’s pirates in them thar waters! Yes, indeed, the pirates aaaaaargh coming, the pirates aaaaaargh coming! Quick, we’d better think up some more pirate jokes before they get here so we can entertain them! More fun and learning coming up next . . .
Bubble gum girl . . .
How to Blow a Bubble
1. Take a piece of gum and chew it until the flavor is gone.
2. Stretch the gum around your tongue.
3. Blow air into the gum, and close your mouth to seal the bubble.
4. Peel the gum off your face and start all over again.
Humans are the only animals on Earth that chew gum. If you give a monkey a piece of gum, the monkey will chew it for a couple of minutes, and then the monkey will take the gum out of his mouth and stick it in his hair.
Mary Had Some Bubble Gum
Mary had some bubble gum,
She chewed it long and slow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
Her gum was sure to go.
She chewed the gum in school one day,
Which was against the rule,
The teacher took her pack away,
And chewed it after school.
by Author Unknown
People have enjoyed chewing gum-like substances in many lands and from very early times. Some of the materials were thickened resins and latexes from certain kinds of trees. Others were various sweet grasses, leaves, grains, and waxes. Modern chewing gum was originally made from the natural gum chicle, found in the sapodilla tree. Chicle is expensive, so other natural gums and chewy synthetic materials are also in use presently.
“For some reason, chewing gum for me gets my brain going.” -Brie Larson
Studies have shown that chewing gum helps people concentrate. It’s true - in fact, right now we’re concentrating on the cinnamon-peach flavor of the chewing gum in our mouths! Seriously, though, chewing gum can help in studying for exams, tests, quizzes, and other brain-taxing endeavors.
Eunice: How did the chewing gum get across the road?
Josie: By sticking to the chicken’s foot.
William Wrigley, Junior originally got his start in the baking powder business in Chicago, Illinois. With each can of his baking powder, he included a free pack of chewing gum. However, when he learned people were buying the baking powder only because they wanted the gum, he stopped selling the baking powder altogether and focused solely on the gum. In 1893, he began selling two of the most popular chewing gums ever: Juicy Fruit and Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum. The rest is history . . .
Hugh: Where is the best place to have a bubble gum bubble-blowing contest?
Bert: On a chew-chew train.
Chocolate-flavored chewing gum is not possible because the cocoa butter in chocolate acts as an emulsifier on the chewing gum base, making it too soft and ruining the chewability of the product. You can test this yourself by putting a piece of chocolate and a piece of gum in your mouth at the same time and chewing them together.
Chewing gum burns about 11 calories per hour.
Who is that person? She is Natalie Wood (1938 - 1981), acting and chewing gum at the same time, in the comedy film, “Penelope” (1966)
Studies have shown that chewing sugarless gum sweetened with xylitol has an antibacterial action. It fights bacteria that cause tooth decay. Gum also increases the flow of saliva, which dilutes acid produced by bacteria. Saliva also contains calcium and phosphorous minerals that can help to repair soft spots in tooth enamel, actually healing early tooth decay.
Eugene: What did the shoe say to the chewing gum?
Wallace: “Stick with me, and we’ll go places.”
During World War 2, American military personnel increased the popularity of chewing gum by trading it and giving it as a gift to people in Europe, Africa, Asia, and other parts of the world.
You probably will not want to go out and nibble on any tires after reading this, but the fact is that chewing gum is made from rubber, just like the tires on bicycles and automobiles. No wonder rodents like to chew the insulation off wires - it’s like chewing gum for them!
Cheryl: Would you like some ABC gum?
Daryl: What’s ABC gum?
Cheryl: It’s ‘Already Been Chewed’ gum.
Daryl: No, thanks!
Chewing gum is a very stable product. It has a non-reactive nature and low moisture content. Because of this, chewing gum retains its quality for a longer time than most other food products - so long, in fact, that in most countries, chewing gum is not required by law to be labeled with an expiration date. Chewing gum can, however, become brittle and lose some flavor as it ages, but will still remain safe to chew.
“Does the spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?” -Billy Rose: title of song (1924), music by Ernest Breuer; revived in 1959 by Lonnie Donegan with the title “Does your chewing-gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?”
On 28 December 1869, a patent for an ‘improved’ type of chewing gum was obtained by dentist William Finley Semple of Mount Vernon, Ohio. He combined rubber with chalk, powdered licorice root, and other substances to make his gum. The resulting gum purportedly cleaned the teeth and strengthened the jaw. Other types of chewing gum did exist prior to Mr. Semple’s product, including a ‘State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum’ made by John B. Curtis starting in 1848, and an earlier patent for chewing gum obtained by Toledo, Ohio resident Amos Tyler on 27 July 1869. Mr. Tyler’s gum was made of white rosin and olive oil, which he heated and mixed together. Once it cooled, he cut it into strips, or sticks, and packaged each piece individually. Of course, prior to all of this, chewing gum had been around for thousands of years of human history, but it was of a simpler form and not widely sold commercially to the public.
Cinnamon, spearmint, and peppermint are among the most popular flavors of chewing gum today.
Modern chewing gum emerged from a series of failures. American inventor Thomas Adams had tried for an entire year to use chicle as a substitute for rubber in waterproof boots, rainwear, and toys. Mr. Adams was frustrated when the experiments did not work as he had hoped, and he was ready to throw away all of the remaining chicle. Then a visit to a drug store gave him an idea. There, he overheard a girl ask for a penny’s worth of paraffin wax candy, and he recalled that chicle had been chewed by people for many centuries. By 1870, he had developed a chewing gum manufacturing process, for which he obtained United States Patent #111,798 issued on 14 February 1871. He sold his product as ‘Adams’ New York Gum No. 1.’ In 1871, he made a licorice-flavored gum called Black Jack, the first flavored chewing gum.
Oswald my chewing gum!
The color of the first successful bubble gum was pink because it was the only color the inventor had. The color ‘stuck,’ and today, bubble gum is still predominantly pink.
According to a leading columnist on the subject of etiquette, chewing gum in public is perfectly all right as long as it is not done with too much gusto.
In 1919 in Lockport, New York, United States of America, a Baptist minister named W. H. Mason invented the first modern gumball machine, which he patented and turned over to his son, Ford Mason, who began manufacturing the machines in the basement of his father’s church. Ford Gum & Machine Company soon began producing gumballs, too, and the younger Mason spent a decade perfecting ways to protect the candy from moisture condensation inside the see-through glass globes. A single drop of water would ruin the colors of a barrel of gumballs. Once he had invented a water-resistant glaze, a person could take a handful of glazed gumballs and hold them under a running faucet without the color coming off.
Alike Yet Different Somehow
The gum-chewing student,
The cud-chewing cow,
Yet different somehow.
Just what is the difference -
I think I know now -
It’s the thoughtful look
On the face of the cow.
by Author Unknown
The largest bubble ever blown was about 58 centimeters (23 inches) in diameter. The record was set on Tuesday 19 July 1994 by Susan Montgomery Williams of Fresno, California, United States of America. Hmmm, seems like that bubble might have been large enough to hold a small dog, a cat, a parakeet, and a goldfish inside it.
At one time, a manufacturer ordered his workers to stop chewing on the job - but the workers went to the National Labor Relations Board and won the right to do so.
Chewing gum while cutting onions can help keep people from producing tears.
Chewing gum on an airplane will prevent a person’s ears from popping. Chewing gum makes the salivary glands produce 250 percent more saliva than is normally produced, so people swallow more. This helps balance the pressure in the head.
Japanese chemists have invented ‘Mood Gum.’ Like the Mood Rings once popular in America, Mood Gum changes color when you are happy, sad, angry, and so forth.
Chewing-gum was illegal in all of Eastern Europe until Czechoslovakia began manufacturing it in 1957. Poland and East Germany quickly followed suit, but it was not until 1976 that the Soviet Union lifted its ban on gum. Tourists who visit Singapore are allowed to bring gum with them, but only a maximum of two packs per person. Any more than that and they can be charged with ‘gum smuggling’ which carries the penalty of one year in jail and $5,500 fine. A doctor’s prescription may be required for chewing gum. Anyone caught leaving chewing gum in a public area can be charged with a monetary fine, community work, or commonly, a public beating with a bamboo stick.
Do you have gum stuck in your hair, and you don’t want to cut your hair to get rid of the gum? It’s a sticky situation, but you can apply ice to the gum to make it cold and harden it, and then try to break it off in pieces. Or, you can use peanut butter or vegetable oil to soften the gum and then try to remove it. Afterward, wash your hair thoroughly.
Better than cough drops? Cough drops are just candy, but the act of chewing gum may provide some real relief from the sore throat that frequently accompanies a cold, influenza (flu), and some other conditions, by stimulating the flow of saliva.
Chewing gum first went into orbit when astronauts Edward Higgins White II and James Alton McDivitt smuggled the stuff onboard their space capsule during the Gemini IV mission that was launched on 3 June 1965 from Cape Canaveral, Florida, United States of America.
Any guesses as to what percentage of people are incapable of blowing bubbles with gum? Get a clipboard, a pen, a piece of paper, and decide how you are going to word your question or questions. Now go out and begin asking people, writing down the number of people who say they can blow bubbles and the number of people who say they cannot blow bubbles. But wait, there are probably a statistically significant number of people who have never tried and therefore do not know if they can or cannot blow bubbles, and you will want to count those people also. As an inducement to get people to participate in your study, you might offer them each a piece of gum. When you have your results, please let us know.
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