Fun & Learning

Have You Ever Wondered?

4/18/2018

Why do some nations have better athletes than others? It is probably because they are sufficiently motivated to train harder.

If you came here looking for fun, you are in the right place. Just travel down this page, skipping any topics that might not interest you, until you come to the ones that appeal to you. When you have a moment, be sure to explore some of the other pages on the website, such as the ‘Stories & Essays’ and the ‘Inspiration & Motivation’ pages, which can be viewed by clicking on the menu bar above.

Welcome to ‘MFOL!’ Don’t just ‘have’ fun . . . ‘be’ the fun!

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Mealtimes and Eating

4/15/2018

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“Tis substantial happiness to eat.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “As You Like It” (1599)

“The first of all considerations is that our meals shall be fun as well as fuel.” -André Simon

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” -Calvin Trillin

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur, who?
Arthur any leftovers?

Jo-jo: What is the worst thing about eating hippopotamus?
Mo-mo: The mountains of leftovers.

In Elizabethan England, the spoon was such a novelty and such a prized rarity, that people carried their own folding spoons to banquets.

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Table Talk

Said Madam Goose to Mister Pig:
     “My friend, I really feel
You should be told you eat too much -
     Your manners aren’t genteel.”

Said Mister Pig: “Your kind advice
     Is really of no use -
A Pig’s a Pig, you know, my dear,
     And not a Perfect Goose.”

-Elizabeth Moody

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Getting fussy eaters to eat is easy. Wrap spaghetti around meatballs and say they’re hot yo-yo’s.

Eat slowly: only men in rags
     And gluttons old in sin
Mistake themselves for carpet bags
     And tumble victuals in.
-Walter Raleigh (Walter Alexander Raleigh (1861 -1922)): “Laughter from a Cloud” (1923)

Gabe: How do you eat an elephant?
Gabriel: One bite at a time.

In 1808, dinner was a late meal and supper was a snack before going to bed.

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Table Manners

The Goops they lick their fingers,
     And the Goops they lick their knives;
They spill their broth on the table-cloth;
     Oh, they live untidy lives.

The Goops they talk while eating,
     And loud and fast they chew,
So that is why I am glad that I
     Am not a Goop. Are you?

by Gelett Burgess (Frank Gelett ‘Gelett’ Burgess (1866 - 1951))

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Riddle: What are two things you should not try to have for breakfast?
Solution: Lunch and dinner.

When should we begin eating? Wait until everyone has been seated, grace has been said, and everyone has been served before beginning to eat. At formal dinners, people often start eating only after the host, guest of honor, or some other person with the highest social status in the group has begun eating.

“They say fingers were made before forks, and hands before knives.” -Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745))

Don’t Pity Yourself

On eating an apple
     And finding inside
A hole deeply burrowed
     But unoccupied,
Don’t pity yourself
     As you frantically squirm,
But think of the worry
     You’ve given the worm.

-William W. Pratt

A woman said: I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables” or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.” However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now, you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

Overheard: I’m so full that I couldn’t possibly eat another bite . . . oh, look, dessert!

Food makes a meal . . . polka-dotted plates make a fun memory.

The town of Gainesville, Georgia, United States of America - known as the chicken capital of the world - has a local ordinance that makes eating chicken with a fork illegal.

“A man should think less of what he eats and more with whom he eats because no food is so satisfying as good company.” -Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)

I Can Help Do Dishes

Swishety-swish the dishes go
     In the water to and fro
Mother washes while I try
     To get the dishes very dry!

-Author Unknown

“One of the most wonderful things about life is that we must regularly stop what we are doing and devote our attention to eating.” -Author Unknown

Oliver: What is a napkin?
Olivia: A sleeping relative.

Violet: What should I serve with my meatloaf?
Ruby: The antidote?

Overheard: I eat the broken cookies first, because I feel sad about them.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for this food.
Bless the hands that prepared it.
Bless it to our use and us to your service,
And make us ever mindful of the needs of others.
Through Christ our Lord we pray.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

“One meal a day is enough for a lion, and it ought to suffice for a man.” -George Fordyce (1736 - 1802): as attributed in Maturin M. Ballou: “Treasury of Thought” (1884), page 125

“It’s okay to play with your food.” -Emeril Lagasse

“Nicko! Don’t play with the food! When I was your age, we didn’t have food!” - Lainie Kazan, in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” (19 April 2002)

Names for Various Mealtimes
- Breakfast
- Brunch
- Lunch
- Dinner
- Supper
- Fourth Meal
- Snack
- Tea Time
- Can you name any others?
- What times of day are these mealtimes held?
- What is your favorite mealtime?

Why is it that whenever someone attempts to catch something that’s falling off the table, he or she always manages to knock something else over? Sounds amusing, but could it be that perhaps our tables are populated with contrivances that have multiplied themselves beyond necessity?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peas.
Peas, who?
Peas pass the butter!

Jack: What can you serve but not eat?
Jacques: A tennis ball.

Table Graces

God is great and God is good;
     Let us thank Him for our food.
By his hand we all are fed;
     Thank You, God, for daily bread.
Amen.

-Author Unknown

Alfie: What did one dinner plate say to the other dinner plate?
Flora: “It looks like lunch is on me again!”

“At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965))

Gourmet Billy

There was a gourmet named Billy
Who dined from Beijing to Philly.
     His only complaint
     About the places he ate
Was that the chili in Chile was chilly.

-Author Unknown

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.” -Fran Lebowitz

France’s Louis XIV (1638 - 1715), was recorded as eating “four soups, a pheasant, a partridge, a plate of salad, sliced mutton with garlic, two lumps of ham, a plate of pastries, fruits, and preserves” at one sitting.

If we were not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?

Mary

Mary had a little lamb,
     A lobster and some prunes,
A glass of juice, a piece of pie
     A plate of macaroons.
She gobbled up a sponge cake,
     And what else we don’t know.
But when they carried Mary out
     Her face was white as snow.

-Author Unknown

Good table manners starts before we even get to the table, when we wash our hands, make sure we are dressed and groomed properly, and put aside our things that ought not be brought to the table, which might include cell phones, books, toys, and pets.

Soup Fork

There was a young lady from Cork
Who went at her soup with a fork.
     When her parents looked pained,
     She proudly explained,
“That’s the way they eat soup in New York.”

-Ogden Nash (Frederick Ogden ‘Ogden’ Nash (1902 - 1971))

Mrs. Mannerly: What would be the proper thing to say if, in carving the duck, it should skid off the platter and into your neighbor’s lap?
Mrs. Learner: Be very courteous and say, “May I trouble you for that duck?”

Overheard: Why does cooking take six hours, and eating three seconds, and washing dishes seven days and seven nights?

Sing a Song of Washing Up

Sing a song of washing up
     Water hot as hot
Cups and saucers, plates and spoons
     Dishes - such a lot
Work the dishcloth round and round
     Wash them clean as clean
Polish with a dry white cloth
     How busy we have been!

-Author Unknown

A Few Basic Table Manners
- Say grace before meals.
- Keep elbows off table.
- Do not talk with a mouth full of food.
- Ask others to pass food rather than reaching far or awkwardly for it.
- Sit up straight.
- What can you add to this list?

‘Stone Soup’ is an old folk story in which hungry strangers persuade local people of a town to give them food. It is usually told as a lesson in cooperation, especially amid scarcity. The story often goes like this: Some travelers come to a village, carrying nothing more than an empty cooking pot. Upon their arrival, the villagers are unwilling to share any of their food stores with the hungry travelers. Then the travelers go to a stream and fill the pot with water, drop a large stone in it, and place it over a fire. One of the villagers becomes curious and asks what they are doing. The travelers answer that they are making ‘stone soup,’ which tastes wonderful, although it still needs a little bit of garnish to improve the flavor, which they are missing. The villager does not mind parting with a few carrots to help them out, so that is added to the soup. Another villager walks by, inquiring about the pot, and the travelers again mention their stone soup, which has not reached its full potential yet. The villager hands them a little bit of seasoning to help them out. More and more villagers walk by, each adding another ingredient. Finally, a delicious and nourishing pot of soup is enjoyed by everyone, traveling strangers and villagers alike.

Like the goodness of the five loaves and two fishes,
     Which God divided among the five thousand men,
May the blessing of the King who so divided
     Be upon our share of this common meal.
-Author Unknown

This is ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ . . . the website for grownups who play with their food . . . and the children who frown upon this strange behavior . . .

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Witchcraft and Witches

4/11/2018

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Is this a coven of witches . . . or just a group of Welsh women who enjoy playing dress-up for teatime?

Penny: Have you heard about the good weather witch?
Bill: Yes, and she’s forecasting sunny spells!

Witches Brew

Dash of bat whiskers
Three purple tadpoles
Dollop of goobly goop
One teaspoon frozen rainbow
Two pinches of ghost dust
Sprinkle with troll teeth
Mix thoroughly and simmer
Over low heat for 4 hours
Serve ice cold.

by Author Unknown

Laura: What did the little witch hope to get for her birthday?
Laurel: A haunted dollhouse!

The word ‘witch’ is derived from the Old English words ‘wicca’ meaning ‘wise man’ and ‘wicce’ meaning ‘wise woman.’

Emma: What bounces and cackles?
Emmit: A witch on a trampoline!

Witchcraft and Witches Facts
- A male witch is called a witch, a warlock, a wizard, or a sorcerer.
- A female witch is called a witch or a sorceress.
- The exact meanings of terms such as witch and warlock and their assignment to gender are not always agreed upon, so for example, some people refer to both males and females as witches, and some people say warlock is not an actual term for describing a practitioner of witchcraft.
- A group of witches is called a coven, a flight, or imaginatively, a cackle.

Ace: Why do witches carry black cats on their brooms?
Tex: Because elephants weigh too much.

Apparently, even witches get lonely for the company of their own kind. Thus, they gather into ‘covens,’ of between two and thirteen witches. The word ‘coven’ was mostly unused in the English language until 1921, when Margaret Murray advanced the idea that witches across Europe met in groups of 13, which they call covens. When covens gather, they engage in communication with the spirit world, rituals, chants, gossip, and whatever else your imagination is suggesting to you right now.

Cinnamon: What do you call two witches on one broom?
Simon: Broommates.

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cackle maniacally, and people back away from you slowly.” -Author Unknown

Bonnie: Why does everyone at witches’ conventions wear a nametag?
Lonnie: So they can tell which witch is which witch.

A warlock went to the doctor one day complaining of headaches. “It’s because I live in the same room as two of my brothers,” he said. “One of them has six goats and the other has four pigs and they all live in the room with us. The smell is terrible.” ”Well, couldn’t you just open the windows?” asked the doctor. ”Certainly not,” he replied, “my bats would fly out.”

Ruben: What do witches say when they cast the wrong spell?
Benjamin: “Hexcuse me!”

The riches of witches are flying brooms, black cats, boiling cauldrons, loud clear cackles, the camaraderie of covens - and spells that cause itches!

Sal: What kind of pets do witches have?
Les: Scaredy cats!

The cat, frog, pig, raven, goat, wolf, bat, and mouse were believed to be a witch’s ‘Familiar,’ or a spirit in animal form that was used by a witch to perform evil deeds and cast malevolent spells.

A witch tells you she is going to turn you into her animal familiar and you will have to be that animal for the rest of your life, but she will let you choose which animal from the above list that you want to be. So, which animal will you be?

Wanda: How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
Wendy: She cracks eggs into a pan and gets two other witches to make the stove shake with fright. Then she cackles just like a chicken!

We would not want to attract the ire of any witches, but here is a little secret about the ways of harmless good witches: The ingredients they use in their potions and other concoctions are extraordinarily ordinary, but they give the ingredients fantastic names to keep their recipes secret. So for example, bat wings might really be leaves of cloves, and eye of newt might actually be pearl onions. Some folks just find having secrets makes their lives more interesting . . . that plus ‘secret recipes’ fetch a higher price in the marketplace than regular ones. On the other hand, malevolent bad witches might actually use real scales of snakes and warts of toads and hairs of hares in their recipes.

Courtney: What is evil and goes around and around?
Corey: A witch on a merry-go-round.

Wiccaphobia is a fear of witches and witchcraft. Wow, there is a word for nearly everything, isn’t there?

Donny: How does the witch know what time it is?
Donald: She looks at her witch-watch.

Penelope: Who won the spelling contest?
Spencer: The witch with the best incantations!

Joan of Arc, also known as Jeanne d’Arc and Jehanne Darc, was born in 1412. She was a French military leader and heroine. On 30 May 1431, Joan of Arc, accused of heresy and witchcraft, was burned at the stake in Rouen (pronounced roo-AHN’), France.

Josie: What has six legs and flies?
Joey: A witch and a cat on a broom!

“‘A witch ought never be frightened in the darkest forest,’ Granny Weatherwax had once told her, because she should be sure in her soul that the most terrifying thing in the forest was her.” -Terry Pratchett: “Wintersmith” (2006)

Wilfred: How can you imagine yourself flying on a broom?
Wilma: Just use witchful thinking!

What were the Salem Witch Trials? About 150 so-called witches were arrested in 1692 in Salem, Massachusetts, British Colonial America. Thirty-one of the people were put on trial, and all of them, including six males, were sentenced to death. Nineteen were hanged, two died in jail, and one man was slowly pressed to death under heavy stones. None were burned at the stake. Bridget Bishop was the first person charged with being a witch to be hung, on 10 June 1692. The last person hanged for witchcraft in the American colonies was on 22 September 1692. Could it have been that the 150 people accused were not evil witches, but that their accusers were?

Angie: Why do witches wear pointy hats?
Angelica: To cover their pointy heads.

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All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch:
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Macbeth” (1606), Act IV, scene 1 [A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron], lines 1557 through 1568

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Sandy: What does a witch ask for when she checks into a hotel?
Sandra: Broom service.

Wilfred: What would you expect to find on a beach at Halloween?
Mildred: A sand-witch.

Helen Duncan, a medium, or a person who purports to communicate with the spirit world, was arrested in 1944 in Portsmouth, England. She had been arrested originally for the catch-all charge of vagrancy, but when she came up for trial at the Old Bailey, the police promptly added the charge of witchcraft, and she was tried at the Bailey under the Witchcraft Act of 1735. Her case is the last known instance of a person in England being tried as a witch under the law.

Shelia: Where does a witch park her broom after she is done flying?
Ophelia: In a broom closet.

Hilda: Why don’t witches ride their brooms when they are upset?
Mathilda: They are afraid they might fly off the handle.

Would you be willing to entertain the possibility that witches, warlocks, wizards, sorcerers, and sorceresses are not real, but are creations wholly of human imagination? This would mean that some people might like to pretend that they are these things, and some people might accuse other people of being these things, but though they might be either good people or bad people, they are not really witches.

Felicia: What do little witches eat?
Felicity: Alpha-bat soup!

Irwin: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Irving: Just one, but she changes it into a toad!

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Witches’ Menu

Live lizard, dead lizard
     Marinated, fried.
Poached lizard, pickled lizard
     Salty lizard hide.

Hot lizard, cold lizard
     Lizard over ice.
Baked lizard, boiled lizard
    Lizard served with spice.

Sweet lizard, sour lizard
     Smoked lizard heart.
Leg of lizard, loin of lizard
     Lizard a la carte.

-Sonja Nikolay

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Cecil: How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
Celeste: With scare spray.

What should you do if a geometric witch puts a hexagon you?

Michael: What do witches put on their bagels?
Rachel: Scream cheese!

Overheard: The local witch once threatened to turn me into a toad, but she changed her mind after thinking it over. She said it would be a waste of a perfectly good spell because no one would notice any change in my appearance!

Lynne: Which cartoon do witches like to watch on television?
Linda: “The Scare Bears.”

“Mortified: A witch’s reaction to being mortalized, or being made into a mere mortal.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

Mandy: Why do witches fly on brooms?
Manetta: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

Tongue twister: If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

Ollie: What do witches like to do on the computer?
Oliver: Use the ‘spell’ checker.

“Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” -J.R.R. Tolkien (John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (1892 - 1973)): “The Fellowship of the Ring” (1954), book I, chapter 3

Marcy: What has four wheels and flies?
Marcella: A witch on a vacuum cleaner!

Judy: What did one witch say to other when she asked for a lift?
Trudy: “There’s always plenty of broom for one more.”

We cover a wide variety of subjects - because one size does not fit all - more articles follow below - on ‘MFOL!’

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Abbreviations and Acronyms

4/7/2018

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TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More. As someone once said, there is no ‘I’ in TEAM . . . and then someone else said that if you look again closely, you will find ‘ME’ in there . . . which is basically the same thing!

Acronyms are words such as NATO or radar formed from the initial letters of words. For example, take the first letter of each word in North Atlantic Treaty Organization and the acronym NATO is created. (NATO could also be called an initialism, more on that below.) Since acronyms are called words, their meanings are called definitions; thus, the acronym NATO has the definition North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Not all acronyms form pronounceable words. RSVP is an acronym that is not pronounceable, so each letter is spoken when it is said aloud. Some acronyms are formed from the first few letters of a word, instead of just the first letter, as in the acronym MILCON, defined as Military Construction. In this instance, the first three letters of each word are used to form the acronym. Initialisms are acronyms formed by the initial letters of each word. For example, IBM is an initialism for International Business Machines. Although all initialisms are acronyms, not all acronyms are initialisms.

ACT: Action Conquers Terror.

‘Alphabet Agencies’ is a way of referring to the roughly 100 government departments and offices created under the New Deal of American President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, for the purpose of remedying the Great Depression of the 1930’s. These departments include the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration), SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission), SSA (Social Security Administration), and the now defunct WPA (Works Project Administration). Even to this day, the United States Government remains a regular alphabet soup of agencies.

A.M. or a.m. stands for the Latin ‘ante meridiem,’ which means ‘before noon’ and refers to the period from midnight until noon. P.M. or p.m. stands for the Latin ‘post meridiem,’ which means ‘after noon’ and refers to the period from noon until midnight.

AM stands for Amplitude Modulation, and FM stands for Frequency Modulation, two of the methods of transmitting invisible radio frequency signals through the airways.

AMELIA: Aircraft Maintenance Electronic Link Integrated Analysis, a system invented by 17-year-old Jeremiah Pate. So, what were you doing when you were 17 years old? That is just what we thought.

BATS: Bass, Alto, Tenor, Soprano are the names of the four voices in a musical quartet, barbershop or otherwise.

B.C.E.: Before the Common Era; also, Before the Christian Era.
C.E.: Common Era; also, Christian Era.

BIBLE: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

CUTE: Creating Unnecessary Trouble Everywhere.

“DARYL” stands for Data Analysis Youth Life-Form, which is a movie with an acronymic title, about a robot boy.

DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid.

ENIAC: The Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer was the first electronic computer, unveiled on 14 February 1946.

FAMILY: Father and Mother I Love You.

HOMES: Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior, which are the five Great Lakes of North America.

How to really annoy people: Use acronyms and abbreviations when speaking. Example: ICYMI, we post new IFS on ‘MFOL!’ OARB - CBL so you DMO! Translation: In case you missed it, we post new incredibly fun stuff on ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ on a regular basis - check back later so you don’t miss out!

HTTP or http: Hypertext Transfer Protocol.

I.Q.: Intelligence Quotient. A system of testing people to try to determine their relative intelligence. It is now regarded as unfair and obsolete under the ideology of political correctness, because it is thought to be ‘insensitive’ to point out that some people are just plain stupid or are not using their God-given intelligence.

IRS: The United States Internal Revenue Service, also known as the people who have what it takes to take what you have.

Is A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. an acronym for something? If not, then let’s make something up!

JPEG: Joint Photographic Experts Group.

Kimberly: What does ‘IDK’ mean?
Beverly: I don’t know.
Kimberly: Wow, I guess nobody knows what it means, then!

KISS: Keep It Short and Simple.

KGB stands for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. From Russia, with love! From Russia, yes . . . with love, not so much.

KOOKS is an acronym standing for the Keepers Of Odd Knowledge Society, which was purportedly started by radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. Despite many attempts, we have not been able to locate an official website or other information about this group, which would seem to suggest that it may be a super-secret society or some kind of conspiracy!

LASER: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.

LOL: Laugh Out Loud.

M*A*S*H stands for ‘Mobile Army Surgical Hospital,’ and is also the name of an American television show about the Korean War.

MUSIC: Making Unique Sounds Instead of Chaos.

NASCAR: National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing.

NESTY: Not Even Started Yet.

NIMBY: Not In My Back Yard. Whenever anyone proposes the building of a project such as a prison, homeless shelter, or other facility for potentially problematic people in a neighborhood, NIMBY-ism is an impedance to progress - or is it people wisely protecting the best interests of their community, particularly the children? It probably depends which side of the issue you stand on - and who is buttering your bread. We might say to politicians, government bureaucrats, corporations, and naïve social do-gooders, “BIYBY: Better In Your Back Yard.” Then there are the ‘BANANA’ people, who say, “Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anybody!” Which bandwagon are you on?

NORAD, or the North American Aerospace Defense Command, is a joint American-Canadian operation tasked with providing aerospace warning, air sovereignty, and defense for North America. Essentially, it is a system of radars, whistles, colored lights, and horns that gives the flyboys and flygirls something to do when they are grounded and not up in the air about something.

NSA: National Security Agency. A department of the United States Government that is so top-secret that some people deny its existence, even going so far as to refer to it as ‘No Such Agency.’

PAY: Prioritize Activities by Yield.

PB&J or PBNJ: Peanut Butter and Jelly, a type of sandwich.

PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals; also People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.

POTUS: President Of The United States.

P.S.: Post-Script.
P.P.S.: Post-Post-Script.
P.P.P.S.: Post-Post-Post-Script.

QANTAS: Queensland And Northern Territories Air Service, the Australian national airline.

RADAR: Radio Detection And Ranging. Radar is also the nickname of the military unit clerk on the M*A*S*H television show - perhaps because just like electronic RADAR, he was good at finding things?

R.I.P.: Rest In Peace.

RSVP stands for the French ‘Répondez s’il vous plaît’ which translates as ‘Reply if you please.’ RSVP is used on invitations to formal events and special get-togethers, to allow the person in charge to know how many people will be in attendance so that seating arrangements, amount of food, size of dance floor, and other decisions can be made. Considerate and polite people - always, always, always - give their acceptance of the invitation or give a notice that they are declining to attend, promptly either by spoken word or in writing; it is the proper thing to do, and we must be proper, mustn’t we? (The only acceptable answer to that question is in the affirmative.)

SCUBA stands for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

SERVICE is an acronym for Social, Enthusiastic, Responsible, Vibrant, Intelligent, Courteous, Engaged.

SINA: Safety Is No Accident, an acronym with a double-meaning.

SONTTAP: Say Only Nice Things To All People.

SOP: Standard Operating Procedure.

Symbols are a type of abbreviation. The ‘#’ or ‘pound’ key on your keyboard is called an octotroph or hashtag, and the ‘&’ or ‘and’ key is called an ampersand.

TANSTAAFL: “There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.” -Milton Friedman

TEON: Two Eyes One Nose, being one of the more common facial configurations.

THEIRS. Have you ever noticed that the word ‘The’ and the three letters IRS combine to form THEIRS? That’s because the United States ‘Internal Revenue Service’ people think your money is THEIRS.

TIP. The word ‘tip’ purportedly dates back to old London coffeehouses. Conspicuously placed brass boxes etched with the inscription, ‘To Insure Promptness,’ encouraged customers to pay for efficient service. What is the difference between a tip and a bribe?

TLAR: That Looks About Right.

UFO: Unfinished Object.

“U.S. now stands for Unlimited Spending.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “Tampa Tribune” newspaper of Tampa, Florida, United States of America

USA PATRIOT ACT stands for ‘Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism.’ Say it again, Uncle Sam!

V.I.P.: Very Important Person.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? What is the abbreviation for abbreviation? Common abbreviations for the words abbreviate, abbreviated, and abbreviation include abr., abbr., abbrv., and abbrev. So, why do we not have a keyboard symbol for the word abbreviation?

WIP: Work In Progress.

‘www’ stands for ‘world wide web’ - and also for ‘wonderfully wacky website,’ like the one you are on right now.

YOGOWYPI: You Only Get Out What You Put In. An amusing and truthful acronymic rule for life.

ZIP Code stands for Zone Improvement Plan Code, a system devised by the United States Postal Service (USPS) for sorting and delivering mail.

This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . there are many serious matters in our world and in our time that need serious consideration - but we do not have time for any of that, because we are too busy trying to be ridiculous!

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Physical Fitness and Exercising

4/4/2018

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“You’re only one workout away from a good mood.” -Author Unknown

Physical Fitness and Exercising Facts
- 0.45 kilograms (1 pound) of muscle burns about 9 calories a day while 0.45 kilograms (1 pound) of fat burns only about 2 calories per day.
- It takes two times as long to lose new muscle when a person stops working out as it did to gain the muscle from working out.

“I don’t sweat, I sparkle!” -Author Unknown

“Your mental energy is limited by your physical energy. How do you develop more energy of all kinds? You start by putting your body in top physical condition. Unless you do that, all your other activities won’t help much - you’ll be stuck with the mental and emotional energy that you have now.” -Tom Hopkins

Riddle: What has one hundred legs and lives on yogurt and salads?
Solution: An aerobics class.

“Those who think they have no time for exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.” -Edward Stanley

“I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!” -Author Unknown

People burn more calories while sleeping than they do when watching television, so turn off the television and go to bed, because apparently, watching late-night television makes you fat! No television watching after 8:00 p.m. - go and read a good book instead.

Miserly Tip: You do not need to spend hundreds of dollars on a gym or health club membership, or spend thousands of dollars on exercise equipment or a personal trainer. You can start your exercise program with just a sensible pair of shoes for walking, running, hiking, skipping, or stair climbing.

Question: What did the personal trainer pick up at the bakery?
Answer: Head rolls.

Stair climbing is said to be one of the better cardiovascular-strengthening, muscle-building, calorie-burning exercises.

According to some people, thinking about your muscles can make you stronger. Of course, this could be just wishful thinking.

No treadmill? Roads do not exist to be gawked at. No weights? Use furniture. No machines? Gravity works wonders for crunches and pushups. No stair machine? Climb some real stairs, a tree, a hill - who cares, just go upward against gravity. No money for healthy food? Then you must have no money for candy, chips, and soft drinks, either, right? Excuses? I can’t hear you! Harsh? You will not see success by wishing. So get out and do it!

“A feeble body weakens the mind.” -Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712 - 1778): “Emile; or, Treatise on Education” (1762)

Does this describe your fitness program?
- Bending the rules.
- Dragging your feet.
- Fidgeting nervously.
- Jumping to conclusions.
- Lifting your fork.
- Pushing your luck.
- Running late for appointments.
- Shuffling paper.
- Sidestepping responsibility.
- Wading through information.

“Physical fitness is the first requisite of happiness.” -Joseph Pilates (1880 - 1967)

Possible Benefits of Exercising
- Physical exercise makes you younger.
- Physical exercise makes your brain more powerful.
- Physical exercise makes you more attractive.
- Can you think of other benefits that might belong in this list?

“Why do strong arms fatigue themselves with frivolous dumbbells? To dig a vineyard is worthier exercise.” -Martial (Marcus Valius Martialis)

“I may not jog or workout - but I’m a very brisk eater.” -Jim Moore, Junior

“You eat every day, you sleep every day, and your body was made to exercise every day.” -Jack LaLanne (François Henri ‘Jack’ LaLanne (1914 - 2011))

At ‘MFOL!’ we would like to start a new holiday called ‘National Jump for Joy Day.’ What month and day of the year do you think it should be held on? (Please note that while we have not personally experienced the exercise called a ‘Jump for Joy’ ourselves, our research indicates that someone makes a noise such as, “Whoo-hoo!” and then attempts to momentarily defy the Earth’s gravitational pull by propelling him or herself in the direction of outer space.)

No one will be able to give you better advice, and treatment if necessary, than your personal physician and any medical specialists, when it comes to your body interacting with the environment through exercise. This is especially true of health conditions that might require special considerations when exercising, as might be the case with conditions such as asthma, diabetes, or seizures. Listen to your doctor rather than what you might hear on television or read on the internet, or are told by your friends or anyone else.

Overheard: If you have time to eat a doughnut, or watch television, or surf the internet, you definitely have time for exercise.

Common exercise injuries include twisted ankles, pulled shoulders, bruises, soreness, and sunburn. You can minimize these by starting an exercise routine slowly, and gradually increasing the time and effort spent exercising so that your muscles, tendons, joints, and even your skin has time to toughen up. It is easy to deceive oneself into thinking it is possible to handle anything, but that simply is not likely. If you are trying to go from a mostly sedentary lifestyle to a fully active lifestyle, you may need a couple of years to achieve it. You can succeed, but allow your body time to adjust to changes.

Affirmation: Today I will love myself enough to exercise.

“Just thinking about exercising . . . burns zero calories.” -Author Unknown

“Mr. LaLanne said he performed his exercises until he experienced “muscle fatigue,” lifting weights until it was impossible for him to continue. It produced results and, as he put it, “the ego in me” made the effort worthwhile.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in ‘Jack LaLanne, Founder of Modern Fitness Movement,’ published in the “New York Times” newspaper

“Exercise your mind as well as your body.” -Andrew Weil

“If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.” -Joey Adams

Walking Groups are organized groups of people who go walking together, usually for exercise, and sometimes for sightseeing or touring. The benefits of walking with others is the mutual motivation, support, safety, socializing, and conversation. Walking groups can be in shopping centers, parks, neighborhoods, and other areas. If enough people cannot be found to make up a group, flyers can be printed and placed on bulletin boards, in building lobbies, in business windows, in mailboxes, in doctors’ offices, and handed out in person. Notices and advertisements can be placed on social media websites and other locations on the internet. One way to get the word out that you are putting together a group is www.MeetUp.com. Advise people to wear comfortable shoes and loose clothing appropriate for weather conditions.

“Muscles come and go; flab lasts.” -Bill Vaughan (William Edward ‘Bill’ Vaughan (1915 - 1977))

“It’s all in the attitude - housework is exercise. Slim your way to a clean home!” -Linda Solegato

Exercises Requiring Little or No Equipment
- Walking
- Stair Climbing
- Jumping Jacks (Side-Straddle Hops)
- Pushup
- Situps
- Toe Touchers
- Pullups and Chin-ups
- Can you think of others?

“It is remarkable how one’s wits are sharpened by physical exercise.” -Pliny the Younger (Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundus (C.E. 61 - C.E. 112))

“I exercised once but found that I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous stuff, this exercise!” -Unidentified Hypochondriac

Physical Fitness and Exercising Quiz
- What are three benefits of exercise?
- What is the meaning of the word ‘sedentary’?
- What is the meaning of the word ‘active’?
- What are three exercises you can do right now right where you are?
- What three things will happen to someone who does not exercise and who continues to live a sedentary lifestyle?
- Name three people who do not exercise, and three people who do exercise.

“Exercise is the chief source of improvement in our faculties.” -Hugh Blair (1718 - 1800)

“Stay Active!” -Author Unknown

Your body burns a mere 1.3 calories a minute when you are reading physical fitness and exercising jokes, but a whopping 1.5 calories a minute when you are typing the jokes on your computer to email them to your friends. Now go out into the world and make smiling your favorite exercise! Whoo-hoo!

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Personal Potential

4/1/2018

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“There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))

“You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be.” -Elizabeth Alraune

“We always may be what we might have been.” -Adelaide A. Procter (Adelaide Anne Procter (1825 - 1864)): “Legends and Lyrics” (1858), ‘A Legend of Provence’

“There are admirable potentialities in every human being.” -André Gide (André Paul Guillaume Gide (1869 - 1951)

“You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give.” -E. O. Wilson

“Sometimes it’s the people that no one can imagine anything of that do the things that no one can imagine.” -Author Unknown

“You are meant to be whatever you dream of becoming.” -Edmund O’Neill

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” -Author Unknown

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.” -Hanoch McCarty

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” -Henry S. Haskins (Henry Stanley Haskins (1876 - 1957)): “Meditations in Wall Street” (1940), originally published anonymously; quotation commonly misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson or Henry David Thoreau

“Anybody can do just about anything with himself that he really wants to and makes up his mind to do. We are capable of greater things than we realize.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“The real tragedy of life is not in being limited to one talent, but in the failure to use that one talent.” -Edgar W. Work

“You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have, and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self - appreciated by others.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008))

“You may be whatever you resolve to be. Determine to be something in the world, and you will be something. ‘I cannot,’ never accomplished anything; ‘I will try,’ has wrought wonders.” -J. Hawes (Joel Hawes (1789 - 1867))

“Our ordinary mind always tries to persuade us that we are nothing but acorns and that our greatest happiness will be to become bigger, fatter, shinier acorns; but that is of interest only to pigs. Our faith gives us knowledge of something better: that we can become oak trees.” -E. F. Schumacher (Ernst Friedrich ‘Fritz’ Schumacher (1911 - 1977))

“Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

“If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.” -Muhammad Ali (Casius Clay)

“Many individuals have, like uncut diamonds, shining qualities beneath a rough exterior.” -Juvenal (about C.E. 55 - C.E. 130): as attributed in Maturin M. Ballou: “Edge-Tools of Speech” (1886), page 405

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans (1819 - 1880))

“We have to go for what we think we’re fully capable of, not limit ourselves by what we’ve been in the past.” -Vivek Paul

“It is a most mortifying reflection for a man to consider what he has done, compared to what he might have done.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784): as quoted in James Boswell: “The Life of Samuel Johnson” (1791)

“You can have anything you want - if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, have anything you desire, accomplish anything you set out to accomplish - if you will hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” -Robert Collier (1885 - 1950)

“We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Hamlet” (1600 - 1601), Act 4, scene 5, line 43

“You are more than what you may think of yourself as being, for you are what you are now, plus your potential.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“A person is limited only by the thoughts that he chooses.” -James Allen (1864 - 1912)

“Our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist.” -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881 - 1955)

“The greatest waste in the world is the difference between what we are and what we could be.” -John Grimes

“Do not set your limits by the limits of others.” -Robert Heckendorn

“Regardless of who you are or what you have been, you can be what you want to be.” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))

“Don’t limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as you mind lets you. What you believe, you can achieve.” -Mary Kay Ash (1918 - 2001)

“If human beings are perceived as potentials rather than problems, as possessing strengths instead of weaknesses, as unlimited rather that dull and unresponsive, then they thrive and grow to their capabilities.” -Bob Conklin

“You may have heard the phrase ‘a world without limits’ or ‘a life without limits,’ but remember those things start with ‘a you without limits.’ Take down the barriers, most of which exist only in the mind.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“There are powers inside of you, which, if you could discover and use, would make of you everything you ever dreamed or imagined you could become.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))

“It’s not what you are, but what you don’t become, that hurts.” -Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)

The potential within a tiny seed is to become a towering green leafy plant. The potential within you also is to become something greater than what you are.

“Focus on your potential instead of your limitations.” -Alan Loy McGinnis (1933 - 2005))

“You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success - or are they holding you back?” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))

“Do just once what others say you can’t do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.” -James R. Cook

“Few men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used.” -Richard E. Byrd (Richard Evelyn Byrd, Junior (1888 - 1957))

“The average human being has the ability to achieve almost anything.” -Tom Hopkins (born 1944)

“Whatever your discipline, become a student of excellence in all things. Take every opportunity to observe people who manifest the qualities of mastery. These models of excellence will inspire you and guide you toward the fulfilment of your highest potential.” -Tony Buzan

“A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?” -Jane Wagner (born 1935)

“Anybody can do just about anything with himself that he really wants to and makes up his mind to do. We are all capable of greater things than we realize.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“Imagine no limitations on what you can be, have, or do.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

“It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!” -J. K. Rowling (pseudonym of Joanne ‘Jo’ Rowling (born 1965)): “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” (8 July 2000); line spoken by character Professor Dumbledore

“There are no limitations to the self except those you believe in.” -Jane Roberts

“Treat a man as he is, he will remain so. Treat a man the way he can be and ought to be, and he will become as he can be and should be.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

“Any individual can be, in time, what he earnestly desires to be, if he but set his face steadfastly in the direction of that one thing and bring all his powers to bear upon its attainment.” -J. Herman Randall

“There isn’t a ruler, a yardstick or a measuring tape in the entire world long enough to compute the strength and capabilities inside you.” -Paul J. Meyer (Paul James Meyer (1928 - 2009))

“Let each become all that he was created capable of being.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 -1881)

“The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

“You should remember that though another may have more money, beauty, and brains than you, when it comes to the rarer spiritual values such as charity, self-sacrifice, honor, nobility of heart, you have an equal chance with everyone to be the most beloved and honored of all people.” - Archibald Rutledge

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” -Malcolm Forbes (Malcolm Stevenson Forbes (1919 -1990))

“If you are going to doubt something, doubt your limits.” -Don Ward

“The only limits in our life are those we impose on ourselves.” -Bob Proctor

“Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))

“To reach your greatest potential you’ll have to fight your greatest fears.” -Author Unknown

“The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))

“I never met a person, I don’t care what his condition, in whom I could not see possibilities. I don’t care how much a man may consider himself a failure, I believe in him, for he can change the thing that is wrong in his life anytime he is prepared and ready to do it. When he develops the desire, he can take away from his life the thing that is defeating it. The capacity for reformation and change lies within.” -Preston Bradley

“It is extraordinary how extraordinary the ordinary person is.” -George F. Will (born 1941)

“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” -Anne Frank (Annelies Marie ‘Anne’ Frank (1929 - 1945))

This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . you already have all you need to go out into the world and begin to actualize, fulfill, and realize your true potential . . .

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Actions and Doing

3/28/2018

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“We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals; and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975): “Psycho-Cybernetics” (1960)

“The undertaking of a new action brings new strength.” -Evenius (42 B.C.E. - C.E. 13)

“If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.” -Thomas Edison (Thomas Alva Edison (1847 - 1931))

“The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“There are generations yet unborn, whose very lives will be shifted and shaped by the moves you make and the actions you take.” -Andy Andrews

“If you limit your actions in life to things that nobody can possibly find fault with, you will not do much.” -Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898))

“Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)

“Doing is better than saying.” -Thomas Draxe (unknown - 1618)

There are three ways to get things done:
1. Do it yourself.
2. Hire someone to do it.
3. Forbid your children to do it.
-Author Unknown

“Never mistake motion for action.” -Ernest Hemingway (Ernest Miller Hemingway (1899 - 1961))

“Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.” -Michael Landon (pseudonym of Eugene Michael Orowitz (1936 - 1991))

“The smallest action is better than the largest plan.” -John Groves

“Reality is not the same to the doer as it is to the sayer.” -Haki R. Madhubuti (born Don Luther Lee (born 1942))

“If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)

“Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” -Jerry Rice

“‘ACT’ is an acronym standing for ‘Action Changes Things.’” -Author Unknown

“Whatever you do, do it with all your might. Work at it, early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well now.” -P. T. Barnum (Phineas Taylor Barnum (1810 - 1891))

“Actions speak louder than words.” -Author Unknown

“They can because they think they can.” -Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil (70 B.C.E. - 19 B.C.E.))

“Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.” -Willis Whitney

“Deeds not words.” -Author Unknown

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.” -Marie Beynon Ray (1886 - 1969)

“The price of inaction is far greater than the cost of making a mistake.” -Meister Eckhart (Eckhart von Hochheim (1260 - 1327))

“If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.” -Author Unknown: French proverb

“Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“It is time for us all to stand and cheer for the doer, the achiever - the one who recognizes the challenge and does something about it.” -Vince Lombardi (1913 - 1970)

“I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts.” -John Locke (1632 - 1704): “An Essay Concerning Human Understanding” (1690)

“Never undertake anything for which you wouldn’t have the courage to ask the blessings of Heaven.” -G. C. Lichtenberg (Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799))

“It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little. Do what you can.” -Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845)

“The best time to do a thing is when it can be done.” -William Pickens (1881 - 1954): “Fifty Years after Emancipation” (1912)

“Action is the foundational key to all success.” -Pablo Picasso (Pablo Diego Jose Francisco do Paula Juan Nepomuceno Cipriano de la Santissima Trinidad (1881 - 1971))

“Heaven never helps the man who will not act.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“I move forward in my life every day, even if it’s only a tiny step, because I know that great things are accomplished with tiny moves, but nothing is accomplished by standing still.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

“Do lovely things, not dream them, all day long.” -Charles Kingsley (1819 - 1875): “Andromeda and Other Poems” (1858), ‘A Farewell to C. E. G.’

“Many people carry a ‘can’t do it list’ around in their heads as they travel on their journey in life, and it becomes their guide for every decision in their lives and for every moment they are alive and awake. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that list were transformed into a ‘possibilities list,’ or a ‘things to try list’?” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“What you do every day should contribute to giving your life meaning. If it doesn’t, why are you doing it?” -Don Hutcheson

“Good intentions are not enough. They’ve never put an onion in the soup yet.” -Sonya Levien (born Sara Opesken (1888 - 1960))

“In doing we learn.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)

Throw away your wishbone,
Straighten up your backbone,
Stick out your jawbone,
And go to it!
-Author Unknown

“If you don’t have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over.” -Author Unknown

“The more we do, the more we can do; the more busy we are, the more leisure we have.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)

Out of the strain of the Doing,
Into the peace of the Done.
-Julia Louise Woodruff (Julia Louise Matilda Woodruff (1832 - 1909)): ‘Harvest Home’ poem published in “Sunday at Home” (1910) magazine

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” -John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)

“Every living creature that comes into the world has something allotted to him to perform, therefore he should not stand an idle spectator of what others are doing.” -Sarah Kirby Trimmer (1741 - 1810): “Fabulous Histories” (1821)

“The deeds you do today may be the only sermon some people will hear today.” - Francis of Assisi (1181 - 1226)

“The world is blessed most by men who do things and not by those who merely talk about them.” -James Oliver

“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“Be content to act, and leave the talking to others.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658)

“I’m not the type to sit on the porch and watch life go by.” -Sally Rand

“This world is but the vestibule of an immortal life. Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.” -E. H. Chapin (Edwin Hubbell Chapin (1814 - 1880)): as attributed in Charles Northend: “Memory Gems” (1890), page 6

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))

“You don’t have to do everything, but you can always do something.” -Malia Blake

“It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do.” -Jean Molière (pseudonym of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin (1622 - 1673))

“Our grand business undoubtedly is, not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 -1881)

“Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is key to unlocking our potential.” -Liane Cadres

“Do something. If it doesn’t work, do something else. No idea is too crazy.” -Jim Hightower

“Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls.” -David Thomas

“During a very busy life I have often been asked, “How did you manage to do it all?” The answer is very simple. It is because I did everything promptly.” -Richard Tangye

“People who soar, are those who refuse to sit back and wish things would change.” -Charles R. Swindoll (Charles Rozell ‘Chuck’ Swindoll (born 1934))

“Facta non verba.” [Latin]
“Deeds, not words.” [English]
-Author Unknown

“Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” -William Butler Yeats

“The world cares very little about what a man or woman knows; it is what the man or woman is able to do that the world cares about.” -Booker T. Washington (Booker Taliaferro Washington (1856 - 1915)): “Mind and Matter,” (5 June 1895), address to the Alabama State Teachers’ Association, Selma, Alabama, United States of America

“Life is too short to sit on the sidelines; it is much more fun to give it your enthusiastic best.” -Bob Apple

“Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.” -Robert Half

“Every man feels instinctively that all the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single lovely action.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891): as quoted in the “North American Review” (July 1867)

“Don’t just stand there, make something happen.” -Lee Iacocca (Lido Anthony ‘Lee’ Iacocca (born 1924))

“Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906 - 1945)

Affirmation: If it is to be, it is up to me.

“It has long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” -Elinor Smith (1911 - 2010)

“Doing little things well is a step toward doing big things better.” -Harry Banks (Harry F. Banks)

“The time when you need to do something is when no one else is willing to do it, when people are saying it can’t be done.” -Will Durant (William James ‘Will’ Durant (1885 - 1981))

“The shortest way to do many things is to do one thing at once.” -Samuel Smiles (1812 - 1904)

“Let us turn our ‘To Do Lists’ into ‘All Done Lists.’” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“Do, doing, done.” -Author Unknown

“The greatest things ever done on Earth have been done little by little.” -Thomas Guthrie

“Step by step and the thing is done.” -Charles Atlas

“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” -William James (1842 - 1910)

“Action is the antidote to despair.” -Joan Baez (Joan Chandos Baez (born 1941))

“Do it. Do it right. Do it right now.” -Author Unknown

“Action makes more fortune than caution.” -Luc DeClapiers (1715 - 1747)

“Always say nothing doing to doing nothing.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

“And, having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.” -Enoch A. Bennett (Enoch Arnold Bennett (1867 - 1931)): “How to Live on Twenty-Four Hours a Day” (1910), Chapter 12

“So little done, so much to do.” -Cecil Rhodes (1853 - 1902)

“In a world where there is so much to be done, I felt strongly impressed that there must be something for me to do.” -Dorothea Dix (Dorothea Lynde Dix (1802 - 1887)): as quoted in Lydia Maria Child: “Letters from New York,” Volume 2 (1845), ‘Letter 31’ (31 December 1844), page 284

“Do all that you can and all you thought you could not.” -Author Unknown

“Take tiny, wobbly, baby steps towards action. I made so much more progress in one year by doing a few small things consistently than I did in thirty years of overthinking and massive to-do lists.” -Ishita Gupta

This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . we must take immediate action now to make the world funnier . . .

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Light Bulbs and Artificial Lighting

3/24/2018

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Eugene: How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nigel: Two; one to change the bulb and the other to shout, ‘Taaa-daaaaaa!’

Agatha: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Christie: Two; one to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Gertie: Why was the streetlight shining down on the road?
Gertrude: To light the way for the chicken to get safely across.

Orville: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Wilbur: To change a light bulb.

Carmella: How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb?
Christina: Just one, but it has to cross the road first.

Sylvester: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sylvia: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs!

Jerry: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Jenny: Are you kidding? Why, they won’t even change a five-dollar bill.

Mel: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Vin: None, they just define darkness as the new industry standard.

Chandelier Man. I walked into a convenience store early this morning and there was a guy hanging from a light fixture on the ceiling, so I asked the clerk what he was doing up there. The clerk said, “Oh, don’t worry about him - he’s just some local crazy guy who thinks he’s a light bulb.” I said, “Don’t you think you should help him get down from there before he falls and hurts himself?” The clerk responded, “Well, yes, I guess I could - but then I would have to work in the dark.”

Mathilda: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Mattie: Only one, because they do not like to share the spotlight.

Jeremy: How many government bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Jeremiah: Two; one to assure us that everything possible is being done, while the other screws the light bulb into a water faucet.

Frankie: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
Francine: Juan.

In 1802, English physician Humphrey Davy generated the first electric light by passing current through a platinum strip, creating the first carbon arc lamp.

Cyrus: How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Cyril: Only one, but you should have seen the size of that light bulb!

Jan: How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
Jen: Exactly 1.67.

Herman: How many seabirds does it take to change a light bulb?
Sherman: About four or five terns ought to do the trick.

Would you like to have light bulbs that stay on even after the power goes out, and that you could remove from the sockets to use as portable light sources, just as if they were flashlights? You can. Visit www.lyfelite.com, and let them know you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net.

Joshua: How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
Isaac: Two; one to hold it, while the other one hammers it in.
(When you have a hammer, everything begins to looks like a nail!)

Chester: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
Chet: One.

A man was polishing a light bulb before inserting it into the socket, when there was a big flash and a genie appeared before him. “I am the genie of the light bulb,” the genie said. “I will answer any three questions for you - but only three. Do you have three questions you would like to ask?” “Who? Me?” asked the man. “Yes, you,” said the genie. “Now, what is your third question?”

Melanie: How many burglars does it take to change a light bulb?
Melody: No one knows, because when the light comes on, they all scatter.

In 1878, English chemist and physicist Joseph Swan created a working incandescent lamp and received a patent for it.

Archie: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Archibald: One, but he or she will still be living in darkness.

“‘Don’t be the moth. Be the light bulb.’ When I say that I mean don’t follow the crowd. Just shine. Be the light bulb. Do your thing. Pave your own path.” -Sara Paxton

Nate: How many secularists does it take to change a light bulb?
Tait: None - they leave the good deeds for the Christians to do.

Iris: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Irene: Two; one to do it and one to say, “Huh! My four-year old could have done that!”

This guy seems like he could use a little light bulb humor . . .

Gene: How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?
Jean: None; they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains, and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

“When Edison first started out with his ‘crazy’ idea for the light bulb, skeptics were unmoved. They called Thomas Edison a con man and taunted him to prove his bulb could really work. Despite the naysayers, Edison pushed on, demonstrating the importance of sticking with his ‘crazy’ idea which would go on to turn him into one of the world’s most well-known entrepreneurs. The key here is to fan the foolish fire no matter what!” -Linda Rottenberg

In 1879, Thomas Edison invented the first commercially available light bulb, meaning one that people could buy for their own use. His carbon filament incandescent lamp proved to be so vastly superior to candles and oil lamps that everyone from farmers to writers to lawyers to shopkeepers to preachers rushed out to buy them, which spurred the installation of electric generators and electric power lines across the United States of America and around the world.

“I’m one of those people that think Thomas Edison and the light bulb changed the world more than Karl Marx ever did.” -Steve Jobs

Bridget: How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
Gidget: None, because real men are not afraid of the dark.

Violet: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Viola: That is not funny!

Amos: How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Moses: Exactly who are you, and why do you want to know?

Lola: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
Prudence: No, but if you will hum a little of it, I can fake the rest.

Janet: What did one light bulb say to the other?
Janette: “I love you a whole watt!”

Kenneth: How many “Star Trek” Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
Keith: All of them!

Dick: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Jane: One juggler, but it takes three bulbs.

Eddie: What do you get when you cross a light bulb with a baby?
Ellie: A light bulb that cries when it needs to be changed.

Before the invention and widespread availability of electric lighting, people slept on average ten hours each night.

Ted: How many astronauts does it take to change a light bulb?
Theo: None; changing a light bulb is not rocket science, you know.

May: How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
June: None - the light bulb gives itself up and turns itself in.

Bradley: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
Todd: We will have an estimate ready for you a week from Monday.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The Sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you are inside worrying about a burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I will replace any wiring that is not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I will change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I have not missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I will just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I am sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there . . . yep, sure it is, exactly there . . .
Greyhound: It is not moving, so who cares?
New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I will put all the light bulbs in a little cluster . . .
Toy Poodle: I will just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he will do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Myrtle: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Myron: One, because they are efficient and do not have a sense of humor.
(Wenn Sie Deutscher sind, denken Sie bitte daran, dass dies nur ein Witz ist!)

John: How did the hipster burn his hand?
Jonathan: He changed the light bulb before it was cool.

Claire: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Clara: Two, one to screw it in, and one not to screw it in.

David: Why did the fifteen-watt bulb flunk out of school?
Arthur: She was not very bright - but don’t be sad, because I heard she grew up and got a job in a government bureaucracy.

Ivan: How many capitalistic exploiters of the working classes does it take to change a light bulb?
Igor: None, that is the historically determined role of the proletariat!

“Suppose you make a hole in an ordinary evacuated electric light bulb and allow the air molecules to pass in at the rate of 1,000,000 a second, the bulb will become full of air in approximately 100,000,000 years.” -Francis William Aston

Percy: Why was the simpleton staring at the light bulb?
Mercy: He was trying to do some light reading.

In Victoria, Australia, only licensed electricians are permitted to change light bulbs.

Maxine: How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb?
Maxwell: Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us.

Corey: How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Cora: A Brazilian.

Burt: How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
Bart: None - the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between ‘bright’ and ‘dark,’ so it will eventually synthesize these into at least some dim glow for us.

Lois: How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?
Louis: Who knows . . . why, on their tiny salaries, many of them cannot even afford to teach their students, let alone enlighten them!

Bertha: How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Bert: None - it is a pseudo-problem . . . light bulbs give off light (hence the name); if the bulb was broken and was not giving off light, it would not be a ‘light bulb’ now would it?

Emily: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Emaline: Only one, to aim the X-ray machine, but the bulb changes very, very slowly.

Well, how’s that for a little ‘light humor’? Gee, it sure is spooky in here in the dark! Did you hear that sound - what was that?! While we try to replace the burned-out light bulb with a new one so we can see what is moving around in here with us, please enjoy the next topic . . . on ‘MFOL!’

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Changing and Adjusting

3/24/2018

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“Any day we wish, we can start the process of life change.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” -Margaret Mead (1901 - 1978): as attributed in the “Christian Science Monitor” (1 June 1989)

“It’s never too late to change your life.” -Author Unknown

“It is always safe to assume, not that the old way is wrong, but that there may be a better way.” -Henry F. Harrower

“The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” -Steve Jobs

“Never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are. Life changes, and so can you.” -Ralph Marston

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))

“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.” -Herbert Ottl

“If we want things to stay as they are, things will have to change.” -Giuseppe Tomasi de Lampedusa (1896 -1957)

“The greatest discovery of my age is that men can change their circumstances by changing the attitude of their mind.” -William James (1842 - 1910)

“The only thing certain is nothing is certain.” -Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)

“Times will change for the better when you change.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)

“Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon . . . everything’s different.” -Bill Watterson: “Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes”; type of work: cartoon

“People can change until they take their last breath.” -Alton R. Jorgenson

“Change is the only thing that will make things different.” -Author Unknown

“Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster.” -William Bridges

“If you want things to change, you have to change. If you want things to be better, you have to be better.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“There is nothing permanent except change.” -Heraclitus (Heraclitus of Ephesus (535 B.C.E. - 475 B.C.E.))

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better.” -Richard Hooker (1554 - 1600)

“To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.” -John Henry Newman (1801 - 1890): “The Development of Christian Doctrine” (1834)

“The only thing constant in life is change.” -Francois de La Rochefoucauld (François Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680))

“Never be afraid to try something new - remember, it was amateurs who built the Ark and professionals who built the Titanic.” -Author Unknown

“Changes happen, and life gets better and worse, and life somehow goes on.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“Change before you have to.” -Jack Welch (John Francis ‘Jack’ Welch, Junior (born 1935))

“Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those opening a new road.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778)): as quoted in Ben Ray Redman, editor: “The Portable Voltaire” (1949)

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))

“Change is not merely necessary to life - it is life.” -Alvin Toffler

“Resolve to be a master of change rather than a victim of change.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

“If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.” -Author Unknown

“In times of change, learners inherit the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” -Woodrow Wilson (Thomas Woodrow Wilson (1856 - 1924))

Affirmation: I want to change my life.

“Change is the only evidence of life.” -Evelyn Waugh (Arthur Evelyn Saint John Waugh (1903 - 1966))

“I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones.” -John Cage (John Milton Cage, Junior (1912 - 1992))

To change one’s life:
Start immediately.
Do it flamboyantly.
No exceptions.
-William James (1842 - 1910)

“Change is not difficult, it is the resistance to change that is difficult.” -Author Unknown

“The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything or nothing.” -Nancy Astor

“Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you.” -Author Unknown

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.” -Aldous Huxley (Aldous Leonard Huxley (1894 - 1963))

“All change is not growth; as all movement is not forward!” -Author Unknown

“Someday change will be accepted as life itself.” -Shirley MacLaine (pseudonym of Shirley MacLean Beaty (born 1934))

“Everyone alters and is altered by everyone else. We are all the time taking in portions of one another or else reacting against them, and by those involuntary acquisitions and repulsions modifying our natures.” -Gerald Brenan (1894 - 1987)

“When you’re through changing, you’re through.” -Bruce Barton (1886 - 1967)

“We must all obey the great law of change. It is the most powerful law of nature, and the means perhaps of its conservation.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)

“The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings.” -Okakura Kakuzō (Okakura Tenshin (1862 - 1913)): “The Book of Tea” (1906)

“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” -Henri Bergson (Henri-Louis ‘Henri’ Bergson (1859 - 1941))

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” -Mandy Hale

“Sometimes we must make a choice, to take a chance, or our lives will never change.” -Author Unknown

“We may dig in our heels and dare life never to change, but, all the same, it changes under our feet like sand under the feet of a sea gazer as the tide runs out. Life is forever undermining us. Life is forever washing away our castles, reminding us that they were, after all, only sand and sea water.” -Erica Jong (born 1942): “Parachutes and Kisses”

“Our only security is our ability to change.” -John Lyly (1554 - 1606)

“Everything is in motion. Everything flows. Everything is vibrating.” -William Hazlitt

“Change almost always represents improvement of the human condition. Constancy almost always represents stagnation. In any event, change is certain. There’s no point in complaining about it. Natural history teaches that survival in a changing world does not depend on physical strength or on high intelligence. Survival depends on the ability to change.” -Alex Sanders

“Things of this world are in so constant a flux, that nothing remains long in the same state.” -John Locke (1632 - 1704)

“All things are only transitory.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

“I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“The world hates change yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))

“When you’re through changing, you’re through.” -Alfred Pritchard Sloan, Junior

“Once you make the decision to change, all kinds of things happen.” -Charles S. Dutton

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” -Leo Tolstoy (Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy (1828 - 1910))

“To change your circumstances, first start thinking differently. Do not passively accept unsatisfactory circumstances, but form a picture in your mind of circumstances as they should be. Believe and succeed.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“In all change, well looked into, the germinal good out-vails the apparent ill.” -Francis Thompson (1859 - 1907)

“Be okay with where you are, even if you know you want to change.” -Author Unknown

“Change is inevitable. Because it is driven by expanding knowledge and technology, it is accelerating at a speed never seen before.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

“Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.” -Author Unknown

“Every day of our lives we are on the verge of making those slight changes that would make all the difference.” -Author Unknown

“Too much consistency is as bad for the mind as for the body.” -Aldous Huxley (Aldous Leonard Huxley (1894 - 1963))

“Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)): “The Razor’s Edge” (1943)

“All is change; all yields its place and goes.” -Euripides (484 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” -Ed Foreman

“Turn over a new leaf.” -Thomas Dekker

“To the fearful, change is threatening because they worry that things may get worse. To the hopeful, change is encouraging because they feel things may get better.” -Buck Rogers

“Welcome change.” -Author Unknown

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” -Robin Sharma (born 1965)

“There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.” -Author Unknown

“Life is like an ever-changing kaleidoscope - a slight change, and all patterns alter.” -Sharon Salberg

Welcome to ‘MFOL’ . . . an ever-changing endeavor in an ever-changing world . . . mostly because we have a hard time being still for too long . . .

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Adversities and Persevering

3/19/2018

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Whenever you think your life is bad, just remember this furry fellow, who lives in a garbage can . . . of course, his expectations in life may be a little different from yours . . .

“If you are ever in real trouble, don’t panic. Sit down and think about it. Remember two things, always. There must be some way out of it, and there must be humor in it somewhere.” -Louise Fitzhugh (1928 - 1974)

Overheard: Remember, even monkeys fall out of trees from time to time!

“Our way is not soft grass, it’s a mountain path with lots of rocks. But it goes upwards, forward, toward the Sun.” -Ruth Westheimer (born 1928)

“Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I’ve had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.” -Katharine Hepburn (Katharine Houghton Hepburn (1907 - 2003))

“Some falls are means the happier to arise.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Cymbeline, King of Britain” (1609), Act IV, scene 2, line 2822; words of character Caius Lucius, general of the Roman forces

“I truly believe that we can overcome any hurdle that lies before us and create the life we want to live. I have seen it happen time and time again.” -Gillian Anderson (Gillian Leigh Anderson (born 1968))

“The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” -Author Unknown

“It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.” [English translation]
“Confragosa in fastigium dignitatis via est.” [original Latin]
-Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65)): letter to Lucilius

“When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” -Frank Leahy (1908 - 1973): as quoted in the Charleston, West Virginia “Daily Mail” (4 May 1954)

“No man lives without jostling and being jostled; in all ways he has to elbow himself through the world, giving and receiving offence.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881): ‘Sir Walter Scott,’ published in the “London and Westminster Review” (12 November 1838)

“If things go wrong, don’t go with them.” -Roger Babson (Roger Ward Babson (1875 - 1967))

“Trouble can always be borne when it is shared.” -Katherine Paterson (born 1932): “The Tale of the Mandarin Ducks” (1 January 1990)

“Determination, patience, and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation.” -Author Unknown

“Remember, if you ever get into a difficult situation, you can always count on your fingers and toes!” -Author Unknown

“No life is so hard that you can’t make it easier by the way you take it.” -Ellen Glasgow (1873 - 1945)

“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.” -Charles Spurgeon (Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834 - 1892)): “The Salt-cellars: Being a Collection of Proverbs, Together with Homely Notes Thereon” (1889), ‘Proverbs,’ page 89

“Greatness is best measured by how well an individual responds to the happenings in life that appear to be totally unfair, unreasonable, and undeserved.” -Marvin J. Ashton (Marvin Jeremy Ashton (1915 - 1994)): as quoted in “Ensign” (November 1984), page 22

“I am an old man and have known many troubles. But most of them never happened.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

“Turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.” -Author Unknown: English proverb

“There is no education like adversity.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)

“Trying times are no time to quit trying.” -Author Unknown

“Adversity causes some to break, others to break records.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994))

“Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)

“If people speak ill of you, live so that no one will believe them.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.)

“The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.” -Epicurus (341 B.C.E. - 270 B.C.E.)

“People need trouble - a little frustration to sharpen the spirit on, toughen it. Artists do; I don’t mean you need to live in a rat hole or gutter, but you have to learn fortitude, endurance. Only vegetables are happy.” -William Faulkner (William Cuthbert ‘Will’ Faulkner (1897 - 1962))

“Adversity in immunological doses has its uses; more than that crushes.” -John Updike (John Hoyer Updike (1932 - 2009))

“If you don’t climb the mountain, you can’t see the view.” -Author Unknown

“There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown helpless about them.” -Clare Boothe Luce (1903 - 1987)

“No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb

“The race is not always to the swift - but to those who keep on running.” -Author Unknown: derived from the “The Bible,” ‘Book of Ecclesiastes,’ chapter 9, verse 11: “I returned, and saw under the Sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can man be perfected without trials.” -Confucius (K’ung Fu-tzu or K’ung Ch’iu (about 551 B.C.E. - about 479 B.C.E.))

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)

Square your shoulders to the world,
Be not the kind to quit -
It’s not the load that weighs you down,
But the way you carry it.
-Author Unknown

“Every adversity can make you bitter or better.” -Mary Kay Mueller

“Life begins to become truly livable once we have learned how to get back up after we stumble and fall. The mastery of that knowledge may come about only following many falls but it finally comes to us and softens the pain and humiliation on each occasion that we stumble after that, and so we are able to face life with some courage because of what we have learned after falling. Everything eventually becomes easier with time and experience.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.” -Lou Holtz (Louis Leo ‘Lou’ Holtz (born 1937))

“If you would not have affliction visit you twice, listen at once to what it teaches.” -James Burgh (1714 - 1775): “The Dignity of Human Nature” (1754)

“The burden becomes light which is cheerfully borne.” -Publius Ovidius Naso (also known as Ovid (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.))

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” -Bernice Johnson Reagon (born 1942)

“History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats.” -B. C. Forbes (Robert Charles ‘Bertie’ Forbes (1880 - 1954)): as quoted in “Forbes” (1958)

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“Even if I lost everything, I would still have God, and that is enough to start over.” -Author Unknown

“Sir, what is the secret of your success?” a reporter asked a bank president. “Two words.” “And, sir, what are they?” “Right decisions.” “And how do you make right decisions?” “One word.” “And, sir, what is that?” “Experience.” “And how do you get experience?” “Two words.” “And, sir, what are they?” “Wrong decisions.”

“If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965))

“A great part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is in itself a victory.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)

“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 24, verse 16

“The brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.” -Fred Beck

“Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.” -James Buckham (1858 - 1908)

“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940))

“If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.” -Author Unknown

“Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.” -Shari R. Barr

“Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))

“Never despair. But if you do, work on in despair.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): as attributed in “The Christian Pioneer” (1878), volume 32

“Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant.” -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)): “Satires”

“I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.” -Author Unknown

“The mind which does not wholly sink under misfortune rises above it more lofty than before, and is strengthened by affliction.” -Richard Chenevix Trench (known as Richard Trench until 1873 (1807 - 1886)): “An Essay Upon National Character” (1832), book I, part II, chapter III

“Life knocks a man down and he gits up and it knocks him down again . . . What’s he to do when he gits knocked down? Why, take it for his share and go on.” -Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

“You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.” -Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821 - 1881)

“The rewards for those who persevere far exceed the pain that precedes the victory.” -Karen Bliss Livingston

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” -William Ellery Channing (1780 - 1842)

“I have never known anyone to achieve anything without overcoming adversity.” -Lou Holtz (Louis Leo ‘Lou’ Holtz (born 1937))

“Life has its peaks and its valleys.” -Author Unknown

“Defeat is nothing but the first steps to something better.” -Author Unknown

“One of the most difficult things everyone has to learn is that for your entire life you must keep fighting and adjusting if you hope to survive. No matter who you are or what your position is you must keep fighting for whatever it is you desire to achieve.” -George H. Allen (George Herbert Allen, Senior (1918 - 1990))

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.” -Christian D. Larson (Christian Daa Larson (1874 - 1962))

“Those who turn back know only the ordeal, but those who persevere remember the adventure.” -Milo Arnold

“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.” -Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 - 1919)

“Most of the important things in this world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“Strong people are made by opposition, like kites that go up against the wind.” -Frank Harris (1856 - 1931)

“He that falls to-day, may be up again to-morrow.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 2097

“If there is no struggle there is no progress.” -Frederick Douglass (pseudonym of Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey (1817 - 1895)): personal letter (30 March 1849) to Gerrit Smith

“I admire people who choose to shine even after all the storms they’ve been through.” -Author Unknown

“When you get into a tight place, and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a moment longer, never give up then - for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” -Harriet Beecher Stowe (Harriet Elizabeth Beecher Stowe (1811 - 1896)): “Old Town Folks” (1869), chapter 39: ‘Last Days in Cloudland’

“Life, misfortunes, isolation, abandonment, poverty, are battlefields which have their heroes; obscure heroes, sometimes greater than the illustrious heroes.” -Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885))

“If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.” -Solon (636 B.C.E. - 558 B.C.E.) (similar quotation attributed to Socrates)

“Fight the good fight with all thy might.” -John S. B. Monsell (John Samuel Bewley Monsell (1811 - 1875)): “Fight the Good Fight” (1863) hymn

“However hard the road, however difficult today, tomorrow things will be better.” -Benjamin E. Mays (Benjamin Elijah Mays (1894 - 1984)): as quoted in Dorothy Winbush Riley: “My Soul Looks Back, ’Less I Forget” (1995)

“The work of many of the greatest men, inspired by duty, has been done amidst suffering and trial and difficulty. They have struggled against the tide, and reached the shore exhausted.” -Samuel Smiles (1812 - 1904)

“I would never have amounted to anything were it not for adversity. I was forced to come up the hard way.” -James Cash Penney (1875 - 1971)

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” -Dolly Parton (born 1946): as quoted in Bob Phillips: “Phillips’ Book of Great Thoughts” (1993), page 264

Just remember, it’s all going to make for a great story someday . . . now who’s ready to go out into the big wide world and ‘Make Fun Of Life!’?

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Owls

3/15/2018

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The curious owl wants to know . . . and so it bends its head as if to make itself into a question mark.

Each evening, bird enthusiast Dave stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of their ‘conversations.’ Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” her neighbor replied. “So does my husband!”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say, who?
That’s right!

Owls Facts
- An adult male owl is called a cock or simply an owl.
- An adult female owl is called a hen.
- A young owl is called an owlet, a chick, or a fledgling.
- A group of owls is called a family, a parliament, a stare, or a wisdom.
- The sounds made by owls are called barks, growls, hisses, hoots, rattles, screams, screeches, shrieks, wails, and whistles.
- Owls are birds that have large eyes, flat faces, and curved beaks.
- Owls are nocturnal, meaning that they are most active at night.
- Owls are found everywhere on Earth except for Antarctica, Greenland, and a small number of islands that are in extremely cold areas.

How now, screech owl?

Owls have circles of radiating feathers surrounding their eyes, giving them a very alert look.

A Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl lived in an oak;
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard:
Why can’t we all be like that bird?

-Edward H. Richards (Edward Hersey Richards (1874 - 1957))

Owls have large eyes that face forward, while most other birds have eyes on the sides of their heads. This eye arrangement results in binocular vision with precise depth perception. Their eyeballs are tubular in shape, and because of this, owls cannot move their eyes from side to side, so instead, they turn their heads, as much as 270 degrees (135 degrees to either side), to follow moving objects. Owls are far-sighted, meaning that they cannot clearly see objects that are close to their eyes, but that is fine, because what owls mostly focus on are small animals that are at a far distance, often well below them on the ground, mostly at night, and their eyes allow them to see such objects quite clearly.

Gil: What is an owl’s favorite kind of math?
Bert: Owlgebra.

Owls see mostly in black and white, although they can see the color blue, and they are in fact the only birds that can see the color blue.

Fern: Why did the owl sit in the tree not saying anything?
Fran: Because she didn’t give a hoot.

Owls have the most highly developed sense of hearing of all birds.

Al: What do you get when you cross a thousand screech owls with a thousand roosters?
Fred: A really big headache first thing in the morning!

Owls are quieter than a whisper in flight. In fact, owls are quieter in flight than any other birds of prey.

The color of owls’ feathers helps them blend into their environment, or surroundings. This type of concealing color pattern is called ‘camouflage.’

Woodsy Owl says, “Give a hoot - don’t pollute!”

Owls have powerful talons, or curved claws, on their toes. On each of their feet, they have two toes facing forward and two toes facing backward, giving them the ability to grab onto small animals and fly away with them.

Oswald: What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
Waldo: A growl.

Imagine yourself as an owl. You are perched on a tree branch, patiently waiting for your next meal. Far below you, along it comes, a small fury mouse, making its way through the grass in search of seeds. You launch yourself silently into the air, and swoop down toward your prey, glide around in a curve that takes you right behind it, and you snatch the unsuspecting mouse in your talons, and then, with the mouse in your grasp, you flap your wings and make your way back up into the tree.

Judith: Somebody said you sound like an owl.
Judy: Who, who?

Owls are carnivores, or animals that eat animals. Most owls are nocturnal and hunt their prey, or animals that they intend to eat, at night. They have a keen sense of sight that allows them to find prey in the dark. They have an acute sense of hearing, which also helps in finding food. Owls are stealth hunters; their feather colors blend in with their surroundings, and they can easily sneak up on their prey, because their fluffy feathers give them almost silent flight. Owls hunt and eat rodents, insects, frogs, and birds. Some owls eat fish. Great horned owls are the only animals that eat skunks.

Pamela: What did the cybernetic owl from the future say?
Amelia: “Owl be back!”

Owls eat birds, crabs, earthworms, fish, frogs, insects, mice, reptiles, shrews, snails, snakes, spiders, toads, voles, and other small animals.

Owls inhabit, or live in, a variety of ecological niches around the world, from rain forests to tundra to deserts. There are about 162 different living species of owls. Most owls do not build their own nests, but instead, use the abandoned nests and burrows of other animals, or they nest in crevices in rocks. Barn owls often live near humans because they can nest in buildings. Ground owls are different from other owls because they live in burrows that they dig themselves, in the ground, and unlike many other species of owls, ground owls tend to be active during the daytime rather than at night.

Owls are at the top of the food web or chain, so they have no major predators, or animals that hunt and eat them. Because they do not have to worry about being on the menus of other animals, they have time for doing other things - let’s go ask them exactly what they do with all that extra free time. Maybe they just perch in places from which they have a good view and hoot.

These owls hold a position as Guardians of the Woods.

Who?! Who?!

Inquiring owls will want to know
Who you are, and your intentions
If ever into their home woods you
Would dare to glance or to enter.

-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Who.
Who, who?
Did you hear an owl just now?

How big are owls? Owls vary in size. The smallest owls are the Elf Owls, which are about 16 centimeters (6.1 inches) long, have a wingspan of 38 centimeters (15 inches), and weigh about 4 grams (1.5 ounces). The largest owls are the Great Gray Owls, which are about 84 centimeters (33 inches) long, have a wingspan of about 152 centimeters (5 feet), and weigh about 1,450 grams (3 pounds), the Eurasian Eagle Owls, which are about 71 centimeters (28 inches) long, have a wingspan of about 160 centimeters (5.2 feet), and weigh up to 4,200 grams (9.8 pounds), and the Great Horned Owls, which are about 63 centimeters (25 inches) long, have a wingspan of about 152 centimeters (5 feet), and weigh about 4 pounds (1,800 grams).

Night owl: A person who is active at night. For example, some bakers are night owls; they stay awake all night baking bread, cakes, cookies, doughnuts, and other foods so they can deliver their freshly baked goods to customers each morning.

Owls have been found in fossils of about 58 million years of age. The largest recorded owl fossil, belonging to the species scientifically named Orinmegalonyx oteroi, stood about three feet tall.

Owl Family

Over in the meadow in the trunk of a tree
Lived a trusty old owl and her little owls three.
“Whoo!” said the mother. “Whoo!” said her three.
So they “Whoo-ed!” all day in the trunk of the tree.

-Author Unknown

Though often unseen and unheard by humans, stealthy Western Screech Owls rule the night sky over their territories.

Barn owls and other species of owls are helpful to farmers because a single owl can eat as many as 1,000 mice in a year. Mice are undesirable to farmers because they eat farm crops and spoil stored foods.

A picture of an owl was used to represent the sound of the letter ‘m’ in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, or pictorial writings, which was their version of what we now call the alphabet.

In Canada, the Great Horned Owl is the province bird of Alberta, the Great Grey Owl is the province bird of Manitoba, and the Snowy Owl is the province bird of Quebec. The birds have been appointed to these official positions, which carry the important responsibility of helping to reduce the rodent and other small animal populations in the provinces . . . or so we have been told.

An Old Man of Dumbree

There was an old man of Dumbree,
Who taught little owls to drink tea;
For he said, “To eat mice
Is not proper or nice,”
That amiable man of Dumbree.

-Edward Lear (1812 - 1888)

Owl jokes are a real hoot, so we will add more of them here as time goes by, for the benefit of you, all of your friends, and all of the owls. Much more ‘Fun & Learning’ follows.

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Idleness and Industriousness

3/12/2018

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Up, you sluggard, and get to work . . . or at least do some meaningful activity!

“I was made to work; if you are equally industrious, you will be equally successful.” -Johann Sebastian Bach (1685 - 1750)

“When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle, or children playing in the park?” -Ralph Marston (Ralph S. Marston, Junior (born 1955))

“Being forced to work and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content, and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know.” -Charles Kingsley (1819 - 1875)

“Doing nothing is very hard to do - you never know when you’re finished.” -Leslie Nielsen

“A human being must have occupation, if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world.” -Dorothy L. Sayers (Dorothy Leigh Sayers (1893 - 1957))

Every Day Will be Sunday

A young fellow who did not much enjoy working did some work, figuring out that eventually every day will be Sunday. Every year has 365 days. If you sleep eight hours a day, it equals 122 days. This leaves 243 days. If you rest eight hours a day it equals another 122 days. This leaves 121 days. There are 52 Sundays, thus leaving 69 days. If you have a half-day on Saturday, this equals 26 days, and leaves 43 days. If you have 1 and 1/2 hours for lunch every workday, this equals 28 days, leaving 15 days. Two weeks’ vacation equals 14 days. This leaves only one day. And on Labor Day, nobody works.

-Author Unknown

“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.” -Jimmy Lyons

“Men who have attained things worth having in this world have worked while others idled, have persevered when others gave up in despair, have practiced early in life the valuable habits of self-denial, industry, and singleness of purpose. As a result, they enjoy in later life the success so often erroneously attributed to good luck.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953): as quoted in “The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life” (1950)

“People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do.” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)

“There is no excellence without labor.” -Author Unknown

“A young boy shouldn’t be given up for hopeless just because he’s lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don’t be discouraged by those things - maybe he’s just trying to be like his daddy.” -Gracie Allen (Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie ‘Gracie’ Allen (1895 or 1902 - 1964))

“It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

“Too much idleness, I have observed, fills up a man’s time much more completely, and leaves him less his own master, than any sort of employment whatsoever.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)

“You get out of anything in proportion to what you put into it.” -Author Unknown

“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow!” -Don Herold (1889 - 1966)

“Laziness and Poverty are cousins.” -Author Unknown

“The forty hour week has no charm for me. I’m looking for the forty hour day!” -Nicholas M. Butler (Nicholas Murray Butler (1862 - 1947))

“Shun idleness. It is the rust that attaches itself to the most brilliant metals.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“Don’t just sit there like a bump on a log!” -Author Unknown

“Laziness grows on people; it begins in cobwebs, and ends in iron chains. The more business a man has, the more he is able to accomplish; for he learns to economize his time.” -Matthew Hale (1609 - 1676): as quoted in Tryon Edwards “A Dictionary of Thoughts” (1908), page 242

Overheard: I am allergic to lazy people.

“Laziness is contagious just like hard work is. I didn’t give myself an opportunity to be lazy and I didn’t surround myself with people who are lazy.” -Michael Chandler

In Works of Labor or of Skill I would be busy too:
For Satan finds some mischief still for idle Hands to do.
-Isaac Watts (1674 - 1748): “Divine Songs for Children” (1715)

“The end of labor is to gain leisure.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” -Sarah Brown

“A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“Idleness is sweet, and its consequences are cruel.” -John Quincy Adams (1767 - 1848)

“He did nothing in particular, and he did it very well.” -W. S. Gilbert (William Schwenk Gilbert (1836 - 1911))

“Doing nothing results in having nothing.” -Daniel Burke

Dede: What kind of shoes do lazy people wear?
Bebe: Loafers.

“It’s not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” -attributed to Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

“Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.” -Anne Frank (1929 - 1945): “The Diary of a Young Girl”

“The idler does not waste time; he merely wastes himself.” -Author Unknown

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the blue sky, is by no means waste of time.” -Lord Avebury (John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)): “The Use of Life” (1894), chapter IV: ‘Recreation’

If little labor, little are our gains;
Man’s fortunes are according to his pains.
-Robert Herrick (1591 - 1674)

“Human beings find less rest in idleness than in a change of occupation. If you scoff at the idea, just try it. Instead of collapsing in an easy chair, try tackling your hobby. Or write that neglected letter, or help Johnny to build that radio receiver set. Activity - especially creative activity - is far better recreation than loafing.” -Gardner Hunting (Henry Gardner Hunting (1872 - 1958)): as quoted in “Weekly Unity” magazine

“We will be friends forever because I am too lazy to find new ones.” -Author Unknown

How can we help sluggards become better people? We can urge them on to becoming workers by letting them experience the consequences of their idleness. According to scripture, “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘2nd Thessalonians,’ chapter 3, verses 10 through 12

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” -Marthe Troly-Curtin: “Phrynette Married” (1912), page 256

“Laziness is the seed of all evil.” -Author Unknown: Welsh saying

Overheard: I am going to do nothing all day today, starting just as soon as I am finished doing the nothing I did all day yesterday . . .

“In idleness there is perpetual despair.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” -Jules Renard (Pierre-Jules Renard (1864 - 1910))

“One monster there is in the world, the idle man.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“Lazy people tend not to take chances, but express themselves by tearing down other’s work.” -Ann Rule

“Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. We need hours of aimless wandering or spates of time sitting on park benches, observing the mysterious world of ants and the canopy of treetops.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))

Rules for Lazy People
1. If you cannot reach it easily, you do not need it.
2. Get it done - but just not today.
3. It is always somebody else’s job.

“Make rest a necessity, not an objective. Only rest long enough to gather strength.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

Lazy people work harder . . . at being lazy, that is!

“Men are generally idle, and ready to satisfy themselves, and intimidate the industry of others, by calling that impossible which is only difficult.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“I don’t mind coming to work, but the eight hours of waiting to go home again is really just too much.” -Author Unknown

“Laziness never arrived at the attainment of a good wish.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))

“There is no such thing as a lazy person; he is either sick or uninspired.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

What might someone be other than lazy? Tired, fearful, sad, overwhelmed, in physical pain, in emotional pain, shy . . . Can you think of anything else?

“He who would do some great thing in this short life, must apply himself to the work with such a concentration of his forces as to the idle spectators, who live entirely to amuse themselves, looks like insanity.” -John Foster: as quoted in C. N. Douglas, compiler: “Forty Thousand Quotations: Prose and Poetical” (1917)

“Lazy people are always anxious to be doing something.” -Luc de Clapiers (1715 - 1747)

“A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 20, verse 4

“Lazy people are good for just one thing, and that is, making mediocre people look like they have accomplished something in life.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

Dwight: Why did the lazy woman have a great big dog?
Edwin: So she would not have to bend down far to pet it.

“If idleness does not produce vice or malevolence, it commonly produces melancholy.” -Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845): attributed in “The Review of Education” (May 1902)

“Laziness is a luxury that few people can afford.” -Igor Stravinsky (1882 - 1971)

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.” -Author Unknown

“Be sure to keep busy, so the devil may always find you occupied.” -Vegetius (Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus)

“Laziness travels so slowly, that Poverty soon overtakes him.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Overheard: My dog is so lazy that he hires other dogs to chase cats for him.

“The dog that trots about finds a bone.” -Author Unknown

“Merit and fame never crown the lazy.” -Author Unknown

“It is necessary to work, if not from inclination, at least from despair. Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself.” -Charles Baudelaire (1821 - 1867)

“If you want work well done, select a busy man - the other kind has no time.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): as quoted in Elbert Hubbard II, compiler: “The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard” (1927)

“He who labors diligently need never despair; for all things are accomplished by diligence and labor.” -Menander of Athens (342 B.C.E. - 291 B.C.E.)

“It is idleness that creates impossibilities; and where people don’t care to do anything, they shelter themselves under a permission that it cannot be done.” -Robert South (1634 - 1716)

“The hardest work in life is resisting laziness.” -Author Unknown

“Work is no disgrace: it is idleness which is a disgrace.” -Hesiod (800 B.C.E. - 720 B.C.E.)

“My son has taken up meditation - at least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.” -Max Kauffmann

“A man is a worker. If he is not that he is nothing.” -Joseph Conrad (Teodor Józef Konrad Nalecz-Korzeniowski (1857 - 1924))

“Idleness is the root of mischief.” -Author Unknown

“Tomorrow is always the sluggard’s working day; today is his holiday.” -Richard Baxter

“Idleness is the holiday of fools.” -Author Unknown: proverb

“I am always busy, which is perhaps the chief reason why I am always well.” -Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815 - 1902)

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” -Sam Ewing (1920 - 2001)

“A man who does nothing never has time to do anything.” -C. H. Spurgeon (Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834 - 1892))

“It is one of the strange ironies of this strange life that those who work the hardest, who subject themselves to the strictest discipline, who give up certain pleasurable things in order to achieve a goal, are the happiest men.” -Brutus Hamilton

“Inactivity is the beginning of all vice.” -C. F. W. Walther (Carl F. W. Walther): letter (14 January 1873)

“Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing something to be happy. Action is no less necessary than thought to the instinctive tendencies of the human frame.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)

Smiling uses fewer facial muscles and takes less effort than frowning does, making smiling a great way even for lazy people to contribute something useful to the world . . . the results of more hard work follows . . . on ‘MFOL!’

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Loners and Singles

3/7/2018

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“The four food groups for singles are: fast, frozen, junk, and spoiled.” -Author Unknown

“Hermits United. We meet up every ten years and swap stories about caves. It’s good fun . . . for a hermit.” -Author Unknown: “Doctor Who”

“We are a select group, without personal obligation, social encumbrance, or any socks that match.” -P. J. O’Rourke (Patrick Jake O’Rourke (born 1947)): “The Bachelor Home Companion” (1987)

“Maybe ‘loner’ is too strong a word, but I’ve always enjoyed being on my own.” -George Best

Overheard: I’m not single - I’m between relationships . . . I am not single - I am romantically challenged. There was a time when people called single men bachelors and single women spinsters or old maids. Nowadays, you may call an unmarried person ‘unattached’ - but you may not call them ‘incomplete’ because apparently, they really don’t appreciate that!

“Single: A partial-person.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“The trouble with living alone is that it’s always your turn to do the dishes.” -Author Unknown

“A bachelor, in my opinion, is only half alive.” -Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756 - 1791)

Loner: A party of one; a person who knows what ‘alone in a crowd’ means.

“You are what you eat. For example, if you eat garlic you’re apt to be a hermit.” -Franklin P. Jones (1908 - 1980)

“People assume I’m a loner by choice. They think I’m antisocial, when the truth is I’m terrified of people because I’m kind and sensitive and people tend to walk all over me.” -Author Unknown

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Lone Dog

I’m a lean dog, a keen dog, a wild dog, and lone;
     I’m a rough dog, a tough dog, hunting on my own;
I’m a bad dog, a mad dog, teasing silly sheep;
     I love to sit and bay the Moon, to keep fat souls from sleep.

I’ll never be a lap dog, licking dirty feet,
     A sleek dog, a meek dog, cringing for my meat,
Not for me the fireside, the well-filled plate,
     But shut door, and sharp stone, and cuff and kick, and hate.

Not for me the other dogs, running by my side,
     Some have run a short while, but none of them would bide.
O mine is still the lone trail, the hard trail, the best,
     Wide wind, and wild stars, and hunger of the quest!

-Irene Rutherford McLeod (1891 - 1968)

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“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Ecclesiastes,’ chapter 4, verses 9 - 10

“Bachelor: A laddy* in waiting.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)
(Pun on the phrase ‘a lady in waiting,’ that being a woman who attends to a queen or a princess, not dissimilar to a man’s valet.)
* laddy: lad, boy, or young man.

An old guy who had spent his whole life as a recluse in the desert went to visit a friend. He had never seen a train in his life, but on his way, he happened upon a railroad track. Standing alongside the track, wondering what it was, he heard a loud whistle. Looking around, he saw a train bearing down on him like something out of the Apocalypse. The train just nudged him a glancing blow, but it still flipped him into a ravine, where his head smacked up against a rock and knocked him unconscious. A while later he got up, tenderly felt the bump on his head, shrugged off the dust, and then continued on to his friend’s house, the whole time wondering what that big thing was that had nearly killed him. His friend greeted him, put on a kettle for tea, and they started swapping old stories. A few minutes later, the teakettle started whistling like crazy on the stove and the hermit jumped up in a panic, grabbed a chair, and pounded the whistling teakettle flatter than a pancake. Amazed, his friend asked, “What in the world did you do that for?” The hermit said, “Those things are dangerous. You have to get rid them when they’re small!”

Bumper sticker: Honk If You’re Happily Single!

“A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.” -Southgate (possibly Henry Southgate)

A single guy went into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while visiting his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he said, “I’ll just have the Eggs Benedict.” His order came a while later and it was served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asked the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sang out, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

“Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” -Jodi Picoult: “My Sister’s Keeper” (6 April 2004) novel

When people live alone, they more easily succumb to the temptation to just ‘let themselves go,’ meaning that they partially or entirely stop engaging in the grooming, dressing, housekeeping, and other habits associated with being someone who is successfully living in a society with other humans.

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The Loner

He never hurried,
     Nor made a fuss.
Just bided his time,
     Would never rush.

He lived his life,
     So fugerly.
Saved for rainy days,
     He’d never see.

There was no one,
     To share his life.
No children of his own,
     No love of a wife.

He had no friends,
     Neither enemies.
His self alone,
     Was his only company.

On his tombstone,
     When his life was spent,
Four simple words:
     He came and went.

-John Read (21 August 2012)

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“Now for a little humor for people who are single this holiday season: ‘I don’t live alone . . . I live with my imagination . . . and we have a lot of fun together . . .’” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“A hermit is simply a person to whom civilization has failed to adjust itself.” -Will Cuppy

Men’s Excuses for Staying Single:
- I don’t have to explain why I’m wearing ‘that’ shirt with ‘those’ pants.
- I have saved $372,416.21 that would have been spent on groceries.
- I get to see what my paycheck looks like.
- I get to see what my credit cards look like.
- Bachelors don’t have mothers-in-law.
- I don’t have to watch sub-titled foreign films.
- I don’t have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

“Those who understand the true nature of humanity are always loners.” -Dean Cavanagh

Question: Why did the single person cross the road?
Answer: To get away from the married couple that was having an argument.

“It’s just like magic. When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are gone.” -Merrill Markoe

“If a hermit lives in a state of ecstasy, his lack of comfort becomes the height of comfort. He must relinquish it.” -Jean Cocteau (1889 - 1963)

Anuptaphobia is a persistent fear of not getting married, or of staying single. ‘Anuptaphobia’ is derived from the Latin word ‘nuptialis’ meaning ‘wedding’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’

“I’m a loner as a person, but then I always was, even as a child.” -Bill Bixby (Wilfred Bailey Everett ‘Bill’ Bixby III (1934 - 1993))

Overheard: 1 Universe, 8 planets, 192 countries, 180,497 islands, 85 seas, 7 billion people, and I am still single!

“Please don’t make me sound like a crazy hermit, but I don’t like crowds or noise.” -Steve Burns

“The reason that a lot of men are bachelors is because they fail to embrace their opportunities.” -Author Unknown

“I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.” -Richard Pryor (1940 - 2005)

“Singles are people who have convinced themselves that mono, black-and-white, 32-gigabytes is good enough for them, while married people live in high-fidelity stereo, full-color, 128-gigabytes.” -Author Unknown

“Hermits have no peer pressure.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

“Sometimes it’s better to be alone because nobody can hurt you.” -Author Unknown

The third week in September is National Singles Week in the United States of America.

Question: What holiday do single people celebrate every day?
Answer: Independence Day!

“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.” -Pearl S. Buck (Pearl Sydenstricker Buck (1892 - 1973))

Isn’t it interesting that we refer to some people as ‘singles,’ which is a plural noun, and how exactly is it that ‘loners’ also is a plural word?

“I was a loner in high school. I keep to myself, but I love life.” -Clea Duvall

When people live alone, they tend to develop certain idiosyncrasies, as for example, adopting dozens of stray animals, or filling an entire room with a collection of empty cardboard boxes. Do not be dismayed, because these are instinctual behaviors, as you try to fill in the ‘gaps’ in your life, which other people typically fill with other people. However, you will need to examine your life if you begin holding parties with your stray animals at which you are the only human in attendance, or you go around the neighborhood at odd hours trying to find more empty cardboard boxes to complete your collection - these behaviors could be ‘cries for help.’ You might want to consider attending the weekly singles group meeting at a church or joining several clubs - just not the clubs where they dress up as vampires and some of the club members seriously believe that they are actual vampires (it should be noted that vampires are creations wholly of human imagination). We hope to see you at this week’s singles group meeting at church so that we can tell you all about our modest 30,488-piece pinecone collection.

“Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I have tried to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am, so I’ve learned to enjoy myself, my family, and a few good friends.” -Steven Aitchison

“The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.” -Alan Ashley

Signs That You May Be Single
- Back in high school you were voted, ‘Most likely to grow old alone, in a big-empty house.’
- Instead of ‘Occupant,’ your junk mail is addressed to ‘Loner.’
- No woman can ever seem to make you feel as alive as you felt at the ‘TrekMania 2014’ convention.
- None of your twenty-three cats ever likes your boyfriend.
- The makers of ‘Frozen Meals for One’ made you their ‘Customer of the Year’ for the fourth consecutive year.
- Who has time for dating when you are building a life-size Spock out of Legos?
- You speak Klingon, which is unfortunately not a very romantic language.
- Online, you suggest the topic ‘Top Signs You’re Going to Spend the Rest of Your Life Single,’ mistakenly thinking that your equally-hopeless fellow social media contributors might give you some clue as to what you’re doing wrong.
- You will master the art of meeting women as soon as they make a video game about it.
- You are already in line for the next ‘Star Wars’ movie release.

“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around.” -Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994)

Trevor: If I tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Ian: No, but it does make you a crazy forest hermit!

“But I’ll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you’ll come to understand that you’re connected with everything.” -Alan Watts (1915 - 1973)

Lone wolf: A wolf that is not in a pack of wolves. When hunting alone, a wolf will catch small animals such as mice, squirrels, hares, chipmunks, raccoons, or rabbits. However, a wolf pack, or a group of wolves, can hunt large animals including deer, moose, caribou, and yaks.

“Alone, adjective: In bad company.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))

A Hermit Named Green

There once was a hermit named Green
Who grew so abnormally lean,
     And flat, and compressed,
     That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn’t be seen.

-Author Unknown

“The mind can weave itself warmly in the cocoon of its own thoughts, and dwell a hermit anywhere.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891)

Hermit: A female hismit.

What would you say to someone who says to you, “I don’t go out because I have no friends, and I have no friends because I don’t go out.”?

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Railroads and Trains

3/6/2018

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Would you believe it - seemingly, giants have taken over this train!

Ricky: What do you call a train carrying a load of apples and bananas and oranges?
Martin: A tooty-fruity!

Laura: I would like to take a train to Chicago.
Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, only qualified engineers are allowed to drive them.
Laura: Very well - may I go to Chicago by way of Buffalo?
Ticket Agent: I’m sorry; none of our buffalo go to Chicago.
Laura: Just let me have a round-trip ticket, please.
Ticket Agent: To where?
Laura: Back here, of course!

At some point before modern trains, people laid down metal tracks on roadways and built wagons with metal wheels to roll over them. The tramway system initially ran on horsepower. Electric motors, supplied by power from cables strung overhead, would come later in time.

Marcello: What kind of train do ballerinas travel in?
Arturo: Tutu trains.

The very first train reached a top speed of 8 kilometers (5 miles) per hour.

Chuck: What kind of train has no wheels?
Norris: A train of thought.

The standard American railroad width of 1.4351 meters (4 feet and 8.5 inches) originated in the width of Roman war chariots. Former English subjects living in the United States of America designed the railroad system based on measurements of pre-railroad tramways built in England. The tramways were built using the same tools used to build wagons, which were also the same width. The reason wagons were built to that width is that otherwise, they would break during long treks across the old English roads. Those roads, built by the Romans, were full of ruts carved out by the wheels of Roman war chariots. All Roman chariots were built to a standard width of 1.4351 meters (4 feet and 8.5 inches), and so English wagons were built with wheels that would fit into those ruts. Thus, chariots of ancient Rome are the forerunners of modern trains.

Mary: What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?
Marty: A chew-chew train

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Get a Transfer

If you are on the Gloomy Line,
     Get a transfer.
If you’re inclined to fret and pine,
     Get a transfer.
Get off the track of doubt and gloom,
Get on the Sunshine Track - there’s room -
     Get a transfer.

If you’re on the Worry Train,
     Get a transfer.
You must not stay there and complain,
     Get a transfer.
The Cheerful Cars are passing through,
And there’s lots of room for you -
     Get a transfer.

If you’re on the Grouchy Track,
     Get a transfer.
Just take a Happy Special back,
     Get a transfer.
Jump on the train and pull the rope,
That lands you at the station Hope -
     Get a transfer.

-Author Unknown

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Clyde: What is the difference between a railroad guard and a teacher?
Claude: One minds the trains, and the other trains the mind.

Railroads and Trains Facts
- Train track rails are made of steel, and train wheels are made of steel; the combination is literally steel on steel, a very efficient and effective mechanism.
- The two main types of trains are freight trains and passenger trains. Light rail trains are used mostly for passengers and sometimes small shipments of mail and packages. Light rail trains include electric trolleys and trams.
- Despite the constant improvements being made to air-filled, rubber-tire vehicles that move on asphalt and concrete roads, freight trains are still the best way to move extremely large and heavy items and bulk materials such as manufacturing equipment, mining and drilling equipment, military equipment, construction equipment, coal, and grain, particularly over long distances.
- Passenger trains and light rail can carry large numbers of people at high speeds between and within populated areas, which can help ease traffic congestion and provide transportation for people who are unable to drive, who have no vehicles, or who seek convenience.

Doctor Watson: How can you tell a train just went by?
Sherlock Holmes: You can see its tracks!

Doctor Watson: How do you find a missing train?
Sherlock Holmes: Follow its tracks!

An Old Man at a Junction

There was an old man at a junction,
Whose feelings were wrung with compunction;
     When they said, “The train’s gone!”
     He exclaimed, “How forlorn!”
But remained on the side of the junction.

-Author Unknown

Siderodromophobia is a persistent fear of railroads or of trains. Oh, my good-golly, what if I board a train and it never stops and I can never get off it! I’ll be stuck on the train for all eternity!

Ernie: What kind of ears do trains have?
Arnie: Engine-ears. (Engineers.)

The longest railway in the world is the Trans-Siberian Railroad, built between the years 1891 and 1916. It is a network of railways connecting European Russia with the Russian Far East provinces. It is 9,288 kilometers (5,787 miles) long and spans 8 time zones.

According to model railroad enthusiasts, model trains and toy trains are two completely different things. Sometimes in life, it is best not to disagree.

Stella: How many train conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Lester: Only one, but it doesn’t help, because he punches a hole in the new light bulb.

Railroad Tracks and Trains Safety
- All railroad tracks, the land around them, and any bridges, tunnels, fences, walls, buildings, or other structures, and the trains themselves, are the property of individuals, corporations (companies), public utilities, government agencies, or other organizations or entities. There are legal penalties for trespassing on someone else’s property, including monetary fines and jail time.
- Train conductors (drivers or operators) may or may not announce their presence by sounding the train horn or whistle or by having the vehicle lights on. Even when they do, because of auditory and optical illusions and the wide range of speeds at which trains run, a person can be fooled into thinking that a train is further away than it actually is, or not even be aware that a train is on a track headed for them.
- If a person walks on railroad tracks or alongside them as a shortcut to someplace, and falls and gets hurt, or is injured in some other way, he or she will probably be there for a very long time before anyone comes to the rescue, if anyone ever comes at all.
- When a person is hit by a train, he or she will not likely survive.
- Riding on a train without paying the fare or without permission, is also a form of trespassing and fare theft, and once again, trespassing is a crime with civil and criminal penalties.
- Railroad tracks and trains are a serious business, and not places to play or playthings. There are plenty of other places for people to be that are better and safer, such as sidewalks, parks, home, friends’ homes, relatives’ homes, libraries, public spaces, schools, jobs (workplaces), museums, galleries, stores, restaurants, and so forth.

The Ombley-Wombley

Once upon a railroad track
     The Ombley-Wombley sat.
Rumble clang,
     Jumble jang,
Crumble bang -
     And that’s the end of that.

-Peter Wesley-Smith

What is the difference between railroads and railways? The two words are frequently taken to mean the same thing, and are often used interchangeably. Most of the English-speaking world uses the term ‘railways,’ except for Americans, who have a preference for the term ‘railroads.’

Clarabelle: What is the most difficult train to catch?
Maribel: The 12:50, because it’s 10 to 1 if you catch it.

The highest railway in the world is in Peru, where the Central Railway climbs to 4,784 meters (15,694 feet) in altitude in the Galera tunnel, at a location 174 kilometers (108 miles) from Lima. Tourists take it to get to the world-renowned ruins of ancient Machu Picchu.

At a station stop, the railroad’s president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. “You were going 65 miles per hour and the speed limit is only 60 miles per hour, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!” After a heated exchange, the engineer finally said, “You couldn’t possibly have been going 65, my speedometer said 60 miles per hour - and we never saw you go by us!”

Trains and Railroads Quiz
- From what material are train tracks and train wheels made?
- What are the two main types of trains, based on what they carry?
- Why should you never walk on, or play near, railroad tracks?

“Know the name of the station you’re headed for. It’s a help in catching the right train.” -Author Unknown: “Agents Record” (1915), Volume 10, Issue 5, page 4, ‘The Real Salesman’ (“Agents Record” is a publication of the National Casualty Company)

Trains and Railroads Quiz Answers
- Train tracks and train wheels are made of steel.
- The two main types of trains, based on what they carry, are freight trains and passenger trains.
- Walking on, or playing near, railroad tracks is unsafe because trains travel at high speeds and usually are not able to stop in time to avoid hitting a person. Additionally, the tracks can cause a person who tries to walk on them to trip, fall, and be injured.

Ask your know-it-all friend, “So, which was invented first: the train, or the railroad tracks?”

So you just woke up from your nap . . . long slumbers can have strange consequences . . . just look at how much the world has changed while you slept . . . even trains are not the same!

“Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” -J. Paul Getty

Problem: Trains travel from one town to another town all day always on the same track, always going nonstop, and always at the same speed. The 12:00 noon train took 80 minutes to complete the trip but the 4:00 p.m. train took an hour and 20 minutes. Why?
Solution: 80 minutes is the same as an hour and 20 minutes, so both trains ran in the same amount of time.

Overheard: No, I did not miss my train. I just chased it out of the station because I didn’t like the looks of it!

“Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as ‘railroads’ . . . As you may well know, Mr. President, ‘railroad’ carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by ‘engines’ which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock, and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.” -Martin Van Buren (1830)

Passenger to railroad engineer: “What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?”
Railroad engineer: “How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?”

A man traveling by train asked the ticket collector what time the train stopped at Victoria. “Sir, we don’t stop at Victoria,” the ticket collector said. “But I have to get off there!” he insisted. “Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.” “Will that work?” “It’s worth a try.” As they approached the platform, the train slowed from 50 miles per hour. The collector hung the man in mid-air out the door. The man started running in mid-air. “Run faster! Faster!” He lowered the man and the man’s feet touched the platform. His shoes started to smoke! His heel came off! He was running at 30 miles per hour. He had made it! He started to slow down! The other passengers stared in amazement. As the last car went by, a hand grabbed the man by the shirt collar and lifted the man right back into the train! As he was helped back on the train, the gent who picked him up said, “Man you’re lucky I was here to help! This train doesn’t even stop in Victoria!”

Railroad: A thing having two backbones and a thousand ribs.

Before you run out to catch the train, please send your railroad and train knowledge and humor to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. All aboard that’s coming aboard! Choo, choo! Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a! Choo, choo!

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Clocks and Timepieces

3/3/2018

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What time does the clock show?

Before clocks and watches were invented, people planned their days by the rising and setting of the Sun. We continue to use sunrise and sunset as the most obvious reference points in our days.

“The first and original clock or timepiece known to humankind is still all around us even now: the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, and the movements thereof, which creates our days and nights and tides and seasons.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

Sundials were invented more than 2,000 years ago and were among the first instruments used to tell the time. Small sundials, similar to the one built into the pocket compass shown above, were once popular and are still made and available for purchase even now. They require no batteries or winding.

Lessons from a Sundial

Ignore dull days; forget the showers;
Keep count of only shining hours.

-Author Unknown

After the invention of sundials came hourglasses. Though they do not show the time of day, they do allow people to know when a period of time is up, as the sand finishes pouring out of the top half of the glass into the bottom half. Hourglasses come in different time measures, such as 1 minute, 30 minutes, or 1 hour, and for specific purposes, such as egg timer hourglasses to time the cooking of hard-boiled eggs. Some hourglasses allow users to put in more sand or remove sand to let them to choose how much time will be measured. Hourglasses are even made that contain liquid rather than sand to mark the passage of time.

Sometime in the 1400’s, also referred to as the 15th century, mechanical clocks were invented. The pendulum clock was invented in 1656, and continued as the most accurate clock type until the 1930’s, when quartz oscillators were invented. Digital clocks and wristwatches, and most analog clocks, are now built with quartz oscillators. After World War 2, atomic clocks were invented, and are at present the most accurate timepieces.

To synchronize your computer’s clock with the atomic clock, said to be the world’s most reliable timepiece, visit
http://www.worldtimeserver.com/atomic-clock.

Have you ever noticed that by the time you have finished synchronizing all of your clocks, watches, timers, appliances, and devices, it’s time to start all over again . . .

“Don’t watch the clock; do what it does: Keep going.” -Author Unknown

Before 1687, clocks were made with an hour hand only.

Why are the long thin moving parts on clock faces called hands and not fingers? After all, they are long and narrow like fingers, and they do sort of point at the numbers . . .

“Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

Raymond: What did the big hand say to the small hand on the clock?
Myra: “Can you spare a minute?”

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Clock Song

The hands on the clock go round and round,
Round and round, round and round.
The hands on the clock go round and round.
To tell us the time.

The short hand on the clock
Goes from number to number,
Number to number, number to number.
The short hand on the clock
Goes from number to number.
To tell us the time.

The long hand on the clock
Goes around by fives,
Around by fives, around by fives.
The long hand on the clock
Goes around by fives.
To tell us the minutes.

by Author Unknown: sung to the tune of “Wheels on the Bus”

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“My watch is three hours fast and I can’t fix it, so I’m gonna move to New York.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.

Overheard: Let’s all synchronize our watches.

“My poor fellow, why not carry a watch?” -Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1852 - 1917): comment made to a man in the street who was carrying a grandfather clock

Preston: How should you greet a grandfather clock?
Pierce: “Hello, old timer!”

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stopped working correctly one day, so he loaded it into his vehicle and took it to a clock repair shop. In the shop he met a little old man who insisted that he was a local citizen, but spoke with a peculiar heavy accent. He asked Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?” Harvey said, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock, tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick . . . tick . . . tick.’” The old man said, “Mmm-hmm!” and stepped behind the counter, where he rummaged around a bit. He emerged with a huge flashlight and walked over the grandfather clock. He turned the flashlight on, and shined it directly into the clock’s face. Then he said in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

Heloise: What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?
Louise: “Look Pops, no hands!”

“Timepiece: An indicator device of the progression of events relative one to another, though in itself holding no sway over them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

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The Sad Tale of Mr. Mears

There was a man who had a clock,
     His name was Matthew Mears;
And every day he wound that clock
     For eight and twenty years.

And then one day he found that clock
     An eight-day* clock to be;
And a madder man than Matthew Mears
     You would not wish to see.

-Author Unknown
*An eight-day clock is a clock that is wound once in every eight days.

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“You can’t turn back the clock but you can wind it up again.” -Author Unknown

Analog clocks and watches have hands that move around a dial, or the clock face, and digital clocks and watches have numerical, or number, displays.

The tip of a 0.846666666667 centimeter (1/3 inch long) hour hand on an analog wristwatch travels at 0.000004425696 kilometers (0.00000275 miles) per hour. By comparison, the fastest-moving land snail, the common garden snail, has a speed of about 0.0503724672 kilometers (0.0313 miles) per hour. This must be the reason why so many pet snails are named Speedy, but so many wristwatches are named Old Reliable.

In many advertisements for analog watches, or watches with hands, the time shown is with the hands at 10 and 2 (the digital watch equivalent of 10:10), because the hand positions for this time are thought to subtly represent a smiling face in the minds of people who view the ads . . . and as we have been told, everybody likes a joyful timepiece.

Sign on a clock repair shop: Cuckoo Clocks Psychoanalyzed Here.

Olga: Why was the clock put in the tree?
Olaf: Because it was a little cuckoo.

Cuckoo clocks are not just for eccentric people anymore . . . but mostly they are. We are kidding - they are for anybody who wants one. You might need several of them, so that they keep each other company and do not get lonely . . . one for the kitchen, another for the living room, and one for the back patio.

Cuckoo clock, noun: 1. A decorative clock with a little wooden bird inside it that comes out every hour and makes a two-note sound like a cuckoo.  2. A timepiece that drives some people crazy, or at the very least, to distraction.

Meanwhile, in a parallel Universe, a bird pops out of a cuckoo clock every hour and asks, “What time is it?!”

Clovis: What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?
Mavis: A watchdog.

Chronometrophobia is a persistent fear of clocks. Maybe it has something to do with that annoying tick, tick, tick, tick . . . or maybe it is the persistent bzzz-zzz or bbbrrrnnng or beep-beep-beep of the alarm . . .

Alarm clock, noun: 1. A device designed to scare the daylights out of you. 2. An electronic device used to wake up people who have no pets or children.

Rancher Rick: What do you get if you cross a clock and a chicken?
Farmer Fred: An alarm cluck.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock,

Three mice ran up the clock,
     The clock struck one and
That mouse hired a personal injury attorney
     And sued for assault-and-battery.

-Author Unknown

“The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked.” -Tillie Olsen: “Tell Me a Riddle” (1980)

Riddle: What runs but has no legs?
Solution: A clock.

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The Clock

There’s a neat little clock, -
  In the schoolroom it stands, -
And it points to the time
  With its two little hands.

And may we, like the clock,
  Keep a face clean and bright,
With hands ever ready
  To do what is right.

-Author Unknown

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“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” -Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830 - 1916)

Rudy: What do people do in clock factories?
Rudolph: They make faces all day.

The next time someone asks you what time it is, say, “Well, the big hand is on the ______ (say a number between 1 and 12) and the little hand is on the ______ (say a number between 1 and 60).”

Buster: What time is it?
Butch: Let’s see . . . the big hand is on the 5 . . . and the little hand is on the 4 . . . and the second hand . . . well, it won’t stay still long enough for me to say!

Riddle: What has a face but cannot talk?
Solution: A clock.

Tick Tock

Tick, tock, tick, tock,
     Merrily sings the clock.
It’s time for work,
     It’s time for play,
And so it sings
     Through all the day.
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
     Merrily sings the clock.

-Author Unknown

Now it is time for more ‘Fun & Learning’ . . . on ‘MFOL!’

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Time

2/28/2018

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Beverly: How is getting up at 4:00 a.m. like a pig’s tail?
Kimberly: It’s twirly!

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.” -Charles Darwin (Charles Robert Darwin (1809 - 1882))

Jonah: How many seconds are in a year?
Jonas: Twelve, starting with the second (2nd) of January.

“It is astonishing what a lot of odd minutes one can catch during the day, if one really sets about it.” -Dinah Maria Craik (born Dinah Maria Mulock (1826 - 1887))

Late

How did it get so late so soon?
     It’s night before it’s afternoon.
December is here before it’s June.
     My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?

by Doctor Seuss (pseudonym of Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991))

“Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.” -Harvey Mackay (Harvey B. Mackay (born 1932))

“If I could have time in a bottle, I’d make it a glass bottle. That way, I could see the dinosaurs.” -Dick Bowden

Why do the hours drag on endlessly, while the years seem to fly past?

There Was a Man

There was a man who never was.
     This tragedy occurred because
His parents, being none too smart,
     Were born two hundred years apart.

by Dennis Lee

“Counting time is not so important as making time count.” -James J. Walker

By the time you say, “One hundred and one,” one second of time has passed.

“There is no present like the time.” -Author Unknown: reversal of the proverb, “There is no time like the present.” -Author Unknown

Bill: What time would it be if it were not the time it is now?
Tim: Some other time.

“Time devours all things.” [English translation]
“Tempus edax rerums.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17))

“Time equals life; therefore, waste your time and waste of your life, or master your time and master your life.” -Alan Lakein (born 1938)

“If you don’t make time to work on creating the life you want, you’re eventually going to be forced to spend a lot of time dealing with a life you don’t want.” -Kevin Ngo

“Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.” -Havelock Ellis (Henry Havelock Ellis (1859 - 1939))

“Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“How you spend your hours equals who you are today.” -Stephen Bavolek

In 1984, the “Eldorado Daily Journal” newspaper of Illinois, United States of America, announced a contest to see who could save the most daylight for daylight savings time. The rules of the contest were simple: beginning with the first day of daylight savings time, contestants would be required to save daylight. Whoever succeeded in saving the most daylight would win. Only pure daylight would be allowed - no dawn or twilight light, though light from cloudy days would be allowed. Moonlight was strictly forbidden. Light could be stored in any container. The contest received a huge nationwide response. The paper’s editor was interviewed by correspondents from television news shows and was featured in papers around the country.

Overheard: She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

Time Facts
- 60 seconds make up a minute.
- 60 minutes make up an hour.
- 24 hours make up a day.
- 7 days make up a week.
- 28 to 31 days make up a month.
- 12 months make up a year.
- 10 years make up a decade.
- 100 years make up a century.
- 1,000 years make up a millennium.
- An infinite number of years make up an eternity.

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.
by Matt Haig (born 1975)

Chronophobia is a persistent fear of time. Perhaps at the root of this fear is yet another fear, a fear of having all of one’s most beautiful dreams going forever unrealized. Let’s do something about that today by getting started on dreams and goals and plans, even if only in the tiniest of ways, like writing them down on paper or typing them out on your computer, and re-reading them at the start of each day.

“Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone forever.” -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)

“If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.” -Michael S. Traylor

“Time is eternity begun.” -James Montgomery (1771 - 1854): “A Mother’s Love,” stanza 8, line 6; type of work: poem

Overheard: In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

“Lost time is never found again.” -John H. Aughey (John Hill Aughey (1828 - 1911))

Overheard: Just think, tomorrow at this same time, we will all be living exactly one day in the future . . .

Time’s Paces

When I was a babe and wept and slept,
Time crept;
When I was a boy and laughed and talked,
Time walked.
Then when the years saw me a man,
Time ran.
But as I older grew,
Time flew.
Soon, as I journey on,
I’ll find time gone.
May Christ have saved my soul, by then,
Amen.

-Guy Pentreath (1902 - 1985): based on a earlier poem by Henry Twells (1823 -1900): “Hymns and Other Stray Verses” (1901), ‘Time’s Paces’

“Minutes are worth more than money. Spend them wisely.” -Thomas P. Murphy

“The supply of time is a daily miracle. Each day twenty-four hours are given to us to do with as we wish. It is the most precious possession we have, so live it daily and take advantage of every opportunity.” -Author Unknown

“Don’t say, ‘There’s still time,’ or ‘Maybe next time,’ because there’s also the concept of, ‘It’s too late.’” -Author Unknown

“Those who know the value of time use it in preparation for eternity.” -Dugnet (also variously attributed to Duguet and Dugnat)

“Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.” -Thomas Mann

Riddle: What flies without wings?
Solution: Time.

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” -Michael Altshuler

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658)

“The illimitable, silent, never-resting thing called Time, rolling, rushing on, swift, silent, like an all-embracing ocean-tide, on which we and all the Universe swim like exhalations, like apparitions which are, and then are not.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“Time revealeth all things.” -Thomas Draxe (unknown - 1618)

“Each moment, as it passes, is the meeting place of two eternities.” -Madame Swetchine (Anne Sophie Swetchine (1782 - 1857))

Time is a human construct, like money and governments. Can you think of other human constructs?

“Time is like a snowflake - it melts away while we try to decide what to do with it.” -Author Unknown

May memory restore again and again
The smallest color of the smallest day:
Time is the school in which we learn,
Time is the fire in which we burn.
-Delmore Schwartz (1913 - 1966): “Calmly We Walk Through This April’s Day” (1937), also found in Delmore Schwartz: “For Rhoda” (1938), stanza 1

“When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.” -Bette Midler: as quoted in the “Jerusalem Post” (24 February 1989) newspaper

“You wake up in the morning, and lo! your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of the magic tissue of the Universe of your life. No one can take it from you. No one receives either more or less than you receive. Waste your infinitely precious commodity as much as you will, and you cannot draw on the future. Impossible to get into debt. You can only waste the passing moment. You cannot waste tomorrow; it is kept for you.” -Arnold Bennett

“Lost wealth may be replaced by industry, lost knowledge by study, lost health by temperance or medicine, but lost time is gone forever.” -Samuel Smiles (1812 - 1904)

“Time is not a reality, but a concept or a measure . . .” -Antiphon the Sophist: “Truth”

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James Rohn (1930 - 2009))

More Time Facts
- According to the old English time system, a moment is one and a half minutes.
- A jiffy is an actual unit of time, equaling 1/100th of a second.
- A nanosecond is one billionth of a second.
- The smallest unit of time is a yoctosecond, or 1 septillionth of a second, being 10 to the power of negative 24.
- A million seconds is about 11 days.
- A billion seconds is about 31 years.
- 31,536,000 seconds is about one year.
- 168 hours are in a week.

“Time eases all things.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” -J. R. R. Tolkien (John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (1892 - 1973)): “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” (1954)

“Time flies whether you’re having fun or not. The choice is yours.” -Author Unknown

“You will never have more time than you do right now.” -Author Unknown

Time Quiz
- What time is it?
- What time would you rather it be?
- Is it the same time for everybody?
- Does anybody really know what time it is?
- What is time?
- Do you have enough time?
- If you do not have enough time, where can you get some more?
- When people borrow some of your time, do they ever pay you back?

“Time will explain it all.” -Euripides (480 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“God hath given to man a short time here upon Earth, and yet upon this short time eternity depends.” -Jeremy Taylor (1613 - 1667): “Holy Living” (1650)

“You can’t make up for lost time. You can only do better in the future.” -Ashley Ormon

Wow, where did all the time go? Apparently, time flies when you are having fun! And, since that is all the time we have to cover the topic of ‘Time,’ we will now go on to the next topic . . . on ‘MFOL!’

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Fears and Courage

2/24/2018

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“If you’re scared, just holler and you’ll find it ain’t so lonesome out there.” -Joe Sugden (1870 - 1959)

“We learn courageous action by going forward whenever fear urges us back. A little boy was asked how he learned to skate. ‘Oh, by getting up every time I fell down,’ he answered.” -David Seabury

Heights Made Him Dizzy

There was a young fellow so frail
He could fly on a kite - as the tail.
     That gave him a view
     From Maine to Peru;
But when he looked down he turned pale!

-John Ciardi

“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid? That is the only time a man can be brave.” -George R. R. Martin

“When you are afraid, do the thing you are afraid of and soon you will lose your fear of it.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“To have courage for whatever comes in life - everything lies in that.” -Teresa of Ávila (Teresa de Cepeda y Ahumada (1515 - 1582))

“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I’m afraid of widths.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955)): “Steven Wright Special” (1985)

“Fears are educated into us and can, if we wish, be educated out.” -Karl A. Menninger

“We have to start teaching ourselves not to be afraid.” -William Faulkner (William Cuthbert ‘Will’ Faulkner (1897 - 1962))

“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” -Brandan Francis

Fear is a slinking cat I find
     Beneath the lilacs of my mind.
-Sophie Tunnel

“Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.” -John Wayne (pseudonym of Marion Michael Morrison (1907 - 1979))

“Fear is the lengthened shadow of ignorance.” -Arnold H. Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998)): “Glasow’s Gloombusters” (28 June 1995)

A psychologist, interviewed on the Steve Allen show, announced that the only two instinctive fears in man are a fear of loud noises and a fear of falling. “I have a great fear,” replied Steve, without missing a beat, “of making a loud noise while falling.”

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” -Mary Anne Radmacher

“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.” -Michael Pritchard

“What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?” -Vincent van Gogh (Vincent Willem van Gogh (1853 - 1890))

“If tomorrow morning the sky falls . . . have clouds for breakfast. If night falls . . . use stars for streetlights.” -Copper Edens: “If You’re Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow” (1979)

“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” -Seth Godin

“F.E.A.R. has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Risk.’ You decide.” -Author Unknown

“Do what you fear and fear disappears.” -David J. Schwartz (David Joseph Schwartz)

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” -Marie Curie (Marie Sklodowska-Curie (1867 - 1934))

“Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small.” -Ruth Gendler

Overheard: I discovered I scream the same way whether I am about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

“Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves; to like themselves.” -Bonaro Overstreet

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” -Theodore Roosevelt (Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919))

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.” -Martin Luther (1483 - 1546)

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself . . . and spiders!

“You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.” -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))

“The thing I fear most is fear.” -Michel de Montaigne (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)): “Essais” (“Essays”) (1595), Book 1, chapter 18

“Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

“Happiness is a form of courage.” -Holbrook Jackson

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” -Anaïs Nin (Angela Anaïs Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin y Culmell (1903 - 1977)): “Diary” (1969)

“The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone.” -Henrik Ibsen (1828 - 1906): “An Enemy of the People” (1882), act 5

Luposlipaphobia is a persistent fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor. This is actually a fictional phobia created by Gary Larson, found in his “Far Side” comics.

“Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.” -Author Unknown: German proverb

“One who lacks courage to start is finished already.” -Author Unknown

“I laugh in the face of danger. And then I hide until it goes away.” -Buffy (actress Xander Harris)

“Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” -Dorothy Bernard

“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.” -André Gide (1869 - 1951)

“Fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” -Shirley MacLaine (pseudonym of Shirley MacLean Beaty (born 1934))

“Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile . . . initially scared me to death.” -Betty Bender (born 1948)

“The only way to get rid of my fears is to make films about them.” -Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)

New things to fear are emerging constantly in our ever-changing world. Learning to overcome the associated fears as they appear is a life-long process.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” -Jack Canfield

“Fear is nature’s warning signal to get busy.” -Henry C. Link

“When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.” -Stephen Richards

“FEAR is an acronym in the English language for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’” -Neale Donald Walsch (born 1943)

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” -Ambrose Redmoon

“What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do.” -Author Unknown

“To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.” -Katherine Paterson: “Jacob I Have Loved” (1980)

“Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because as has been said, it is the quality which guarantees all others.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965)): “Great Contemporaries” (1932)

Reality of Fear

You’re not scared of the dark;
     You’re scared of what’s in it.
You’re not afraid of heights;
     You’re afraid of falling.
You’re not afraid of the people around you;
     You’re afraid of rejection or mistreatment.
You’re not afraid of love;
     You’re afraid of not being lovable.

-Author Unknown

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Psalms,’ Psalm 27, verse 1

“The phrase ‘do not be afraid’ is written in the Bible 365 times. That’s a daily reminder from God to live every day being fearless.” -Author Unknown

“I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me.” -Erica Jong (born 1942)

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” -H. P. Lovecraft (Howard Phillips Lovecraft (1890 - 1937))

“He who seeks to terrify others is more in fear himself.” -Claudian (Claudius Claudianus (about C.E. 370 - about C.E. 404))

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)): “Pudd’nhead Wilson” (1894), chapter 12

“The hopes and fears of all our years are here with us tonight.” -Kurt Vonnegut (Kurt Vonnegut, Junior (1922 - 2007))

“Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.” -Robert Louis Stevenson (1850 - 1894)

“Courage grows by daring, fear by holding back.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)

“You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” -Mary Tyler Moore (1937 - 2017)

“Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.” -John Dewey (1859 - 1952)

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)): “You Learn by Living” (1960)

“To one who is afraid, everything rustles.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“We must travel in the direction of our fear.” -John Berryman (1914 - 1972)

“You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983): as quoted in W.H. Auden and Louis Kronenberger, editors: “The Faber Book of Aphorisms” (1962)

“Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use.” -Ruth Gordon

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” -Florence Nightingale (1820 - 1910)

“Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (born 1940): “Life’s Little Instruction Book” (1991)

“What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.” -Tim Ferriss

“Stop letting fear rule your life.” -Author Unknown

“Give yourself a pat on the back each time you hang in there when you’re scared.” -Marilyn Barrick (Marilyn C. Barrick)

“You do not have to be fearless, just don’t let fear stop you.” -Charles Day

“Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it . . . that is the quickest and surest way ever yet discovered to conquer fear.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them.” -Livy (Titus Livius (59 B.C.E. - C.E. 17.))

“No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): “A Philosophical Inquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful” (1756)

“Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?” -Caroline Myss

Overheard: Don’t let your fears win.

“There is no courage without fear.” -Author Unknown

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” -Les Brown (Leslie Calvin ‘Les’ Brown (born 1945))

“Everything you have ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.” -George Addair (George Washington Addair, Junior (1931 - 2012))

“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.” -Dorothy Thompson (1894 - 1961)

“Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you.” -Bethany Hamilton

“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“The only known cure for fear is faith.” -Lena Kellogg Sadler (1875 - 1939)

“Tell a person they are brave and you help them become so.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 -1881)

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” -Marilyn Ferguson

Fear not, brave soul, for there is no shortage of ‘Fun & Learning’ for folks of all ages, right here on 'MFOL!' . . . just courageously continue down the page . . .

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Barbers and Hairstylists

2/20/2018

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Huh, looks like you will need a slight adjustment to your ears. Would you prefer them blocked, tapered . . . or pointed?

Becca: Are you getting a new hairdo for the party?
Bella: No, I’m having a henna-do.
Becca: What’s a henna-do?
Bella: It runs around and goes, “Cluck, cluck, cluck!”

A person loses about 40 to 200 hairs a day from his or her head as part of the normal process of hair growth and replacement.

Question: Why did the rabbit go to the barbershop?
Answer: To get a ‘harecut.’

When we eat fish, meat, eggs, and milk, the protein building blocks from these foods are rearranged to make our hair and nails.

Every few years, your hair stops growing for about three months. It has a rest and then it starts growing again. Apparently, even hair needs a holiday.

Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who occasionally cuts and styles hair.

Question: Why did the barber win the race?
Answer: He knew a short cut.

“Brylcreem - A little dab’ll do ya.” -Author Unknown: advertising slogan for Brylcreem hair lotion

Sudden Awakening

A clergyman told from his text
How Samson was scissored and vexed.
Then a barber arose
From his sweet Sunday doze,
Got rattled, and shouted, “Who’s next?”

-Author Unknown

Miserly tip: The best part of cutting your own hair is that you do not have to tip the barber - who is, of course, yourself.

A fellow rushed into a barbershop. “Cut everything short,” he said. “Hair, whiskers - and conversation.”

Tyler: Your hair is a mess. Why don’t you comb it?
Jeremy: I don’t own a comb. It’s too much trouble.
Tyler: How is owning a comb too much trouble?
Jeremy: Haven’t you heard the saying, “A man’s comb is his hassle”?

Tonsurephobia is a persistent fear of haircuts. ‘Tonsurephobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘tonsore’ meaning ‘to cut’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ It is a common fear in young children and to a lesser extent in adults. Some barbers give free lollipops or free combs to children to try to make the experience less scary for them.

I went to the barbershop the other day. The barber looked at my hair and said, “Sir, this is a comb, not a magic wand.”

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” -Fran Lebowitz

Neil: What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut?
Nellie: About three days.

A woman’s conversation about a haircut: Oh! That is so cute! Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Oh goodness no! No, it’s perfect. I would love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Oh, that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. A man’s conversation about a haircut: Haircut? Yep.

The hippie finally decided he needed to get a haircut, because he was tired of falling flat on his face every time his hair became tangled up with his toes.

Helicopter hair - it’s not just for whirlybird pilots anymore . . .

Hair grows about three times faster than fingernails, and fingernails grow about four times faster than toenails.

A famous Hollywood actor went to a stylist and asked for a great haircut. The actor would be going to London for a command performance and would be meeting the Queen. The stylist did his best. A few weeks later the actor returned. Back in the stylist chair, he described his trip. The flight over to England was magnificent. In London, he had had three gorgeous days. The command performance had gone splendidly. After the show, he had been granted a private audience with the Queen. The stylist said, “Tell me what happened, tell me!” The actor said, “The Queen leaned over to me and said, ‘Who gave you that horrible haircut?’”

Sign seen on a barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hairstylist will be here.

“Even the worst haircut eventually grows out.” -Lisa Kogan

Life

Babies haven’t any hair:
     Old men’s heads are just as bare;
Between the cradle and the grave
     Lies a haircut and a shave.

-Samuel Goodman Hoffenstein

A barbershop owner put up a sign in response to the fancy salon down the street. The sign read, “Why pay forty dollars? We give haircuts for eight dollars.” The salon owner responded by putting up a sign that read, “We repair eight-dollar haircuts!”

“Young man, take a haircut; you look like a chrysanthemum.” -Pelham Grenville Wodehouse, English novelist

Your hair grows about 150 millimeters (about 5.9 inches) a year, which is about the same length as your foot, which may or may not be growing, depending on your age.

Barbershop

When you visit the barber
     And sit in his chair,
     Don’t squirm
     Like a worm
While he’s cutting your hair.
     Don’t shiver
     And quiver
And bounce up and down.
     Don’t shuffle
     And snuffle
And act like a clown.
     Each wiggle
     Will jiggle
The blades of the shears.
     Clip-clip,
     Clip-clip.
Those scissors can slip
     And snip
     Off a tip
Of one of your tender pink ears!

-Martin Gardner

Barber Shop: A place to go to when things get hairy.

A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, District of Columbia, United States of America. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.” The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve Senators in front of the door.

Question: Where do sheep go to get sheared?
Answer: The baa-baa shop.

“Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.” -Warren Buffett

The Barber

He cuts our hair
     And shaves our face,
And talks and talks
     With ease and grace.

-Author Unknown

You are in a better place now - welcome to ‘MFOL!’ . . . we have much more humor for you on a huge variety of topics on the website, and we add new humor regularly, so be sure to visit often.

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Bananas and Plantains

2/15/2018

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Please join us as we attempt to discover why people everywhere are ‘going bananas’ . . .

Bradly: What do you call a banana that plays the trumpet?
Dylan: A tooty-fruity.

Some horticulturists believe that bananas were the Earth’s very first fruit, and they may have been the first fruit plant cultivated by humans, many thousands of years ago. One of the earliest known written records of bananas dates back to the time of Alexander the Great’s conquest of India in 327 B.C.E. Banana plants have been traced back to the Malaysian jungles of Southeast Asia, where many varieties and names for the banana are found. In 1516, Friar Tomàs de Berlanga sailed to the Caribbean, carrying the roots of banana plants with him. Upon his arrival, he planted bananas in the rich, fertile soil of the tropics, thus beginning the banana plant’s future in the New World.

Jillian: Why did the monkey like the banana?
William: Because he thought the banana had lots of ‘appeal.’

Bananas are grown for export in Latin American and South American countries including Brazil, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Colombia, Honduras, Panama, and Guatemala, where the climate and soil conditions are favorable to their growth. Bananas are a common food crop in Africa. Bananas are also grown in parts of India and China, which are now the world’s two top producers of bananas.

Occasionally, bananas arriving in the countries to which they are shipped are found to be harboring spiders such as tarantulas, snakes, and other tropical creatures. Buy a bunch of bananas, and maybe you will get a free pet, too - if you are extremely lucky!

The highest average per capita consumption of bananas in the world is in Uganda, where residents eat an average of 227 kilograms (500 pounds) of bananas per person each year. Bananas are such an important part of the diet of Ugandans that their single word ‘matooke’ has come to mean both ‘banana’ and ‘food.’

Julian: What did the banana say to the elephant?
Julius: Nothing - bananas cannot talk.

In Southeast Asia, banana leaves are used to wrap food, instead of plastic wrap, providing a unique flavor and aroma to nasi lemak and Indian banana leaf rice. Banana leaf packaging is completely natural and fully biodegradable, meaning it is not harmful to the environment.

Ken: What is long and yellow and always points north?
Len: A magnetic banana.

The Banana Club Museum, located on Highway 111 in Mecca, California, United States of America, houses the world’s largest collection of items devoted to a single fruit. They have more than 17,000 banana items, most of which have been donated by members. To join the club, visit www.bananaclub.com.

Wilbur: What do you call two bananas?
Willis: A pair of slippers.

Bananas grow on tropical plants that can be easily mistaken for trees, due to their large size and height, but are actually the world’s largest herbaceous plants, or herbs, and banana fruits are classified botanically as berries. What may seem to be banana plant trunks are sheaths, or stems, formed by tightly wrapped overlapping leaves. Their central stems can grow to be 6 to 7.6 meters (20 to 25 feet) tall, and their leaves can grow up to 2.7 meters (9 feet) long.

Wally: They are not going to grow bananas any longer.
Walter: Really - why not?
Wally: Because they are long enough already!

Banana plants are scientifically classified in the genus Musa of the Musaceae family. They belong to the same family as lilies, orchids, and palms. The scientific name for banana is ‘musa sapientum’ meaning ‘fruit of the wise men.’

“Life is full of banana skins. You slip, you carry on.” -Daphne Guinness

Because banana plants are herbaceous plants, they do not have woody stems, or trunks and branches, like trees have, and all their plant matter above the ground decays back into the soil at the end of each annual, or yearly, cycle. However, the part of the plants that is below the ground survives from year to year, and can be hundreds of years old. Although some types of wild bananas grow large, hard seeds, domestic banana plants, from which come the bananas we buy in stores, do not grow from seeds but rather from corms that grow below the ground. Corms are also known as rhizomes or bulbs, and are sometimes referred to by the simplistic term ‘roots,’ although they are actually specialized stems of the plant. Banana plant corms look like brown balls, and are about 25 centimeters (10 inches) in diameter. New offshoots, or the part of the plants that grows above the ground, develop from the corms year after year.

Erma: Why do bananas never get lonely?
Emma: Because they go around in bunches.

The yellow Cavendish banana is the most popular variety of banana in the world. It is the banana most often seen in American and European markets. Before the Cavendish, the Gros Michel was the main type of banana that was exported on a large scale. In the 1950’s, the Gros Michel was ravaged by Panama disease and is no longer sold commercially. Panama disease, also known as Fusarium wilt, is a fungus that attacks the roots of banana plants. It was initially reported in Australia in the nineteenth century. The Cavendish banana is resistant to the strain of Panama disease that effectively wiped out the Gros Michel banana, and is safe for now; however, it is believed that the Cavendish, like the Gros Michel, will eventually be devastated by Panama disease and someday will no longer be produced commercially. This could happen within twenty years, and it would be a major blow to the banana industry. Scientists are now trying to develop a hybrid, disease-resistant banana.

Ruby: How do you make a banana split?
Jade: Sneak up on a banana and shout, “Boo!”

The Cavendish is a shorter, stubbier plant than earlier varieties. It was developed to resist plant diseases, insects, and windstorms better than its predecessors did. The fruit of the Cavendish plant is of medium size, with a creamier texture and a thinner peel than some other varieties. Although the yellow Cavendish variety is the banana most commonly seen in markets around the world, sweet bananas come in a variety of colors, including green, yellow, red, purple, and brown. Among varieties of wild bananas are found bubblegum pink bananas with fuzzy skins, green-and-white striped bananas with pulp the color of orange sherbet, and red bananas with reddish-purple skin, which are said to taste like strawberries when cooked. Among the most common types of bananas are the Dwarf Cavendish, the Valery, and the Williams Hybrid bananas. Other types of bananas include Apple and the small red banana called the Red Jamaica. Lady Finger bananas are small, sweet, and have relatively thin skins. More than 500 varieties of bananas exist.

“On a traffic light, yellow means yield, and green means go, and red means stop. On a banana, it’s just the opposite: yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where’d you get that banana?” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

Bananas are one of the few fruits that ripen best off the plant. If left on the plant, the fruit splits open and the pulp develops a ‘cottony’ texture and flavor. In tropical growing areas, bananas for domestic, or within the country or area, consumption are cut while still green and then stored in moist shady places to ripen slowly. Bananas for export are picked while still green and unripe, and are ripened in special storage chambers using ethylene after they reach their destinations.

“People are like bananas - when they leave the bunch, they get skinned.” -Author Unknown

Take bananas apart when you get them home, because if you leave them connected together at the stem, they will ripen much faster. Purportedly, wrapping banana stems tightly in plastic cling wrap will make them last three to five days longer. To ripen bananas faster, put them in a sealed container - ideally a brown paper bag with the top tightly folded over. Adding another fruit to the bag, such as an apple or a tomato, will further speed up the ripening process. As bananas ripen, the starch in the fruit turns to sugar; therefore, the riper the bananas, the sweeter they will taste. If bananas are placed in a refrigerator, the peels will turn an unattractive, blotchy dark brown or black, but the fruit inside will remain unaffected. And finally, although usually thrown away, banana peels are edible, though not very palatable unless cooked.

Milford: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Clifford: Because it was not peeling well.

Though not commonly eaten in much of the world, plantains are a dietary staple in many tropical regions. Plantains are thicker-skinned, larger, have a firmer flesh, and are less sweet tasting than ‘dessert’ varieties of bananas. They are starchy and require some type of cooking to break down the starches into sugars, to make them edible. Plantains are usually baked, boiled, or fried before being eaten, much as potatoes are prepared.

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My Pet Banana

I bought a pet banana
     and I tried to teach him tricks,
but he wasn’t any good at
     catching balls or fetching sticks.

He could never catch a Frisbee,
     and he wouldn’t sit or speak,
though we practiced every afternoon
     and evening for a week.

He refused to shake or wave or crawl
     or beg or take a bow,
and I tried, but couldn’t make him bark
     or get him to meow.

He was terrible at playing dead.
     He couldn’t jump a rope.
When he wouldn’t do a single trick
     I simply gave up hope.

Though I liked my pet banana,
     I returned him with regret.
Boy, I sure do hope this watermelon
     makes a better pet.

-Author Unknown

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A typical banana is yellow and curved, weighs about 125 grams (about 4.41 ounces), and contains about 111 calories, about 448 milligrams of potassium, about 18 percent of the United States Department of Agriculture’s ‘Recommended Daily Intake’ of vitamin C, and about 13 percent of the USDA’s ‘RDI’ of dietary fiber. Bananas have no cholesterol, no sodium, and a negligible amount of fat. Bananas are 75 percent water. Overall, bananas have good nutritional value and make a healthy snack or mealtime addition. So, as the monkeys say, “Oo-oo aa-aa oo-oo aa-aa!”

Let us consider that some more. Bananas are low in calories and have almost no fat, no sodium, and no cholesterol. They are one of the few foods that contain the six major vitamin groups. Bananas contain vitamin B6, which the brain needs to function properly. They contain vitamin C, which prevents scurvy. Bananas help the body produce serotonin, a natural substance that may possibly alleviate depression in some people. They are the only fruit that contains the amino acid tryptophan. Bananas are also high in potassium and fiber. To learn if bananas are right for you, speak with your local grocer or monkey - wait, that can’t be right . . . instead, consult your nutritionist, dietician, physician, or other educated, trained, licensed professional human person.

Derek: Why don’t bananas snore?
Erika: Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

Bananas are excellent fuel for athletic and fitness activities, because they replenish necessary carbohydrates, glycogen, and body fluids that are used up during exercise. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose, and glucose, bananas give people an instant, sustained, and substantial boost of energy. Research shows that two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous ninety-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit among the world’s leading athletes.

The fastest marathon ever completed by a competitor dressed as a fruit was run in 2 hours, 58 minutes, and 20 seconds. The record was set at the Barcelona Marathon on 6 March 2011, and the runner was Patrick Wightman from the United Kingdom, who dressed as a banana. Do you think a zucchini could run faster?

Loren: What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside?
Laura: A banana dressed up as a cucumber.

Bananas are slightly radioactive due to the small amount of naturally occurring isotope potassium-40 that is found in their overall relatively high potassium content. While bananas are more radioactive than most other fruits, you need not be alarmed, because their naturally occurring radiation is not high enough to harm humans.

Lynnette: What is yellow and flashes?
Jennet: A banana with a loose connection.

Banana: An elongated curved fruit, which grows in bunches, and has a sweet creamy flesh and smooth skin.

Overheard: Bananas just look so relaxed. I bet no one ever yells at a banana and says, “Hey, get out of the produce section and go get a job!”

Bananas are a perennial crop that is grown and harvested all year round. ‘Perennial’ means the plants grow year after year, unlike some plants that are annuals and live for just one year, and other plants that are biennials and live for just two years. Each banana plant produces only one cluster of fruit each year. The large clusters grow off the main stems of banana plants, and can weigh more than 100 pounds in total, with between 100 and 400 individual bananas per cluster. Because banana fruits are harvested every day of the year, they are always ‘in season,’ or available any day of the year, in grocery stores and markets.

The “Banana Boat Song” (1923), also known as, “Yes, We Have No Bananas” was written by Irving Burgie (Lord Burgess), who was inspired by the banana shortage at the time. The song was sung by Harry Belafonte, became hugely popular, and continues to this day to be the best-known song about bananas. “Come, Mister Tally Man, tally me bananas . . . Daylight come and me wan’ go home . . .”

Centuries ago, the varieties of bananas available to them were described by Arab traders as small and about the size of a person’s finger, so they called them ‘banan’ meaning ‘fingertips’ in Arabic. The phrase ‘going bananas’ is from the fruit’s whimsical association with monkeys. The term ‘banana republic’ was coined by the writer O. Henry. He originally used it in reference to Honduras, though the term has since been used to refer to any country that is politically unstable, relies heavily on simple agriculture, and is not technologically advanced.

Bananas float in water. Naturally, you will want to test this for yourself, you good little scientist, you. Bananas, apples, and watermelons all float in water, which makes them good fruits to place in tubs of water so that guests at parties can go bobbing for fruit . . . although maybe not so much bobbing for watermelons, unless they happen to have mouths the size of the ones hippopotamuses have.

The strings that go up and down the length of bananas under the peels are called phloem (pronounced like ‘floh-em’ or ‘flō'ǝm’; rhymes with ‘poem’) bundles. Phloem bundles help distribute nutrients throughout bananas as they grow. If you peel a banana from the bottom, you will not have to peel those little stringy things off it. It is said that monkeys do exactly that - they peel their bananas from the bottoms of the bananas up to the stems. If you like, on your next trip to the zoo, take along a bunch of bananas for the monkeys, and watch how they peel the bananas to verify this.

Chrissy: Why did the banana go out with the fig?
Missy: Because he couldn’t find a date.

Banana Day is observed on the third Wednesday of April each year. We have not been able to find any authoritative information on the holiday, so if you are interested in observing it, you could probably make up your own traditions. Perhaps you could dress up as a giant banana, call yourself Santa Banana, and walk around with a bunch of bananas, handing one to each person you meet.

James: Who brings presents to good little monkeys?
Jamie: Banana Claus!

Bananas and Plantains Quiz
- Do bananas grow on trees?
- Is a banana a fruit or a vegetable?
- What is the difference between a dessert banana and a plantain?

A man in India once ate 81 bananas in half an hour.

Bananas and Plantains Quiz Answers
- Bananas grow not on trees, but on the world’s largest and tallest herb plants.
- Bananas are a type of fruit.
- Dessert bananas are a type of banana that is slightly sweet and commonly eaten raw, while plantains are a type of banana that is less sweet and are cooked before being eaten.

What is a top banana? The top banana is the one in the bunch that receives more sunlight, and becomes riper and sweeter, and is therefore ‘the best of the bunch.’

This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . where you are always top banana . . . the absolute best of the bunch . . .

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Doughnuts and Donuts

2/11/2018

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Assorted doughnuts . . . which one is your favorite?

The two main types of doughnuts are those made from a cake-like batter, called cake doughnuts, and those made from yeast dough, called yeast doughnuts. Cake doughnuts have a consistency similar to dense, heavy cake, and yeast doughnuts have a consistency similar to lightweight bread. Yeast doughnuts could also be called bread doughnuts, if we lived in a world in which reason and logic rather than custom, or lazy old habits, prevailed.

Canada has more doughnut shops per person than any other country in the world. This is a matter that needs to be looked into - exactly what is going on here? We will get right back to you with our findings after we try some of these Canadian-gooseberry-jelly-filled doughnuts.

Shown here are plain doughnuts of the cake variety.

More than 10 billion doughnuts are made in the United States of America each year.

Most historians believe that the Dutch were the first to introduce the modern doughnut to North America in the form of ‘olykoeks,’ or ‘oily cakes’ as early as the mid-19th century. These early doughnuts were balls of cake fried in pork fat. Because the center of the cake did not cook as fast as the outside, the gooey center was often replaced with fruit or nuts.

Cream-filled doughnuts include Boston cream doughnuts (made with milk and eggs in the filling, as shown) and Bavarian cream-filled doughnuts (made with cream cheese).

“A doughnut is a small fried cake of sweetened dough used to lull people into attending unnecessary meetings.” -Author Unknown

“Doughnut shop [sign]: No slam-dunking.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

Doughnut seeds are actually commonly-available ring-shaped toasted-oat breakfast cereal food placed in packaging that resembles garden seeds packets. Though they will never grow into plants, doughnut seeds are an edible and harmless novelty item. You can easily make your own with a computer printer and a box of cereal.

Types of Doughnuts
- Apple Cider Doughnuts.
- Crullers.
- Doughnut Holes.
- Glazed Doughnuts.
- Iced Doughnuts.
- Jelly Doughnuts.
- Long Johns.
- Plain Doughnuts.
- Powdered Doughnuts.
- Can you think of other types of doughnuts?
- What is your favorite type of doughnut?

A type of doughnut is mentioned in the Christian Bible and the Jewish Torah. In chapter 7, verse 12 of Leviticus, the scripture says that a thanksgiving to God should be made of “cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried.”

Martha: Why did the doughnut roll across the road?
Martin: Because it fell off the bakery truck.

Even before people would trick or treat for candy, Halloween was celebrated by bobbing for doughnuts hung from a string.

The origin of the word ‘doughnut’ is uncertain. Some researchers suggest the name refers to the nuts that were placed inside the ball of dough to compensate for the uncooked center. Other researchers claim it refers to ‘dough knots,’ which was a shape of early doughnuts. The origin of the doughnut is unknown, though different nationalities have had their own version of the treat throughout history.

Washington Irving (1783 - 1859) was one of the first people to use the word ‘doughnut’ in print. In his “History of New York” (1809), he describes, “balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog’s fat, and called doughnuts.”

American ship captain Hanson Crockett Gregory (1832 - 1921) claimed to have invented the first ring-shaped doughnut, or a doughnut with a hole in the middle, while he was a sailor aboard a lime-trading ship at 16 years of age on 22 June 1847. Doughnuts of the time were cakes fried in oil; however, while the outside would cook, the centers remained uncooked dough or batter. To solve this problem, as he said, “I took the cover off the ship’s tin pepper box, and - I cut into the middle of that doughnut the first hole ever seen by mortal eyes!” The new ring shape allowed the hot oil to cook the doughnut dough evenly and completely.

During the time of whaling ships, whalers would sometimes celebrate the filling of the one-thousandth barrel with whale oil by frying doughnuts - not surprisingly - in the whale oil. How do you celebrate the achievements in your life?

The first recorded use of the spelling variation ‘donut’ is found in the 1900 story “Peck’s Bad Boy and His Pa” by George W. Peck. In it, a character is quoted as saying, “Pa said he guessed he hadn’t got much appetite and he would just drink a cup of coffee and eat a donut.”

Would you prefer a chocolate doughnut or a chocolate donut?

‘Doughnut’ is the more traditional spelling, although the shortened form, ‘donut,’ is considered by some to be acceptable in less-formal usage.

American explorer Richard Evelyn Byrd, Junior (1888 - 1957) took 100 barrels of doughnut flour, enough for 2 years, on one of his South Pole expeditions.

Angus: What kind of doughnuts do people eat at the South Pole?
Clyde: Frozen ones.

Sugar-glazed doughnuts are also known simply as glazed doughnuts.

Researchers have noted that the size of the hole in a doughnut correlates with the quality of the economy. Specifically, the worse the economy, the bigger the doughnut hole.

The missing centers of doughnuts are called ‘doughnut holes.’ Of course, many ring-shaped doughnuts are made without ever having had middles or centers in them, but doughnut holes are nonetheless somewhat-humorously sold as if that is what they were made from. The ones pictured above are of the yeast doughnut variety.

In the 1934 movie “It Happened One Night,” Clark Gable started the trend of dunking doughnuts in milk when he showed a fellow actor the “right way to do it.” During the 1940’s, stars such as Johnny Carson, Pearl Buck, Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, and Martha Graham were members of the National Dunking Association. The association even provided membership cards for dunkers.

National Doughnut Day is observed on the first Friday of June every year. The holiday was established in 1938 to celebrate Salvation Army Workers, then known as Doughnut Girls, who supplied free doughnuts to American troops during World War 1. Another holiday celebrating the ubiquitous fried treat is National Doughnut Appreciation Day, which falls on 5 November of each year.

Adolph Levitt, a Russian-born American, invented the first automated doughnut machine in 1920. He called it the “Wonderful Almost Human Automatic Doughnut Machine.”

Long John Doughnuts, with cream filling and icing on top, are shown in the photograph.

At least 10 people in the United States of America have the surname, or last name, Doughnut or Donut. Ninety-five or more people have the surname Longjohn, which is the name of a long doughnut. Twelve people have the last name Bearclaw, 498 people have the surname Sprinkles, 470 people have the last name Fritter, and 1,634 have the surname Sugar.

Jelly-filled doughnuts are also known simply as jelly doughnuts.

Doughnuts can be as much as 25 percent fat because they absorb fat from the oil or grease in which they are fried.

A chocolate glazed doughnut has about 5 teaspoons of sugar. A possible dietary and nutritional counter-balance to that might be to eat, say, 30 pounds of broccoli or green beans for each chocolate glazed doughnut you eat. But to be sure, consult with your personal nutritionist beforehand.

If a person added a doughnut a day to his or her regular diet, that person would gain about one additional pound for each 10 days.

To go from a size 6 to a size 14 in just 3 months, in order to portray the character Bridget Jones in the movie series by that name, actress Renée Zellweger said she ate 20 doughnuts a day.

A typical glazed doughnut has about 240 calories, of which 120 are from fat. A 150-pound woman would have to walk 4 miles per hour for 48 minutes to burn off one 240-calorie doughnut. This would be equivalent to just over 4.8 kilometers (3 miles) distance.

Fun fact: The hollow center of a ring-shaped doughnut, where there’s nothing, is entirely free of fat and calories.

“Many people completely overlook the doughnut because they spend all their time looking at the hole.” -Author Unknown

As you go through life, my friend,
Whatever be your goal,
Keep your eye upon the doughnut,
And not upon the hole.
-Author Unknown

“Doughnut ever give up on your cherished hopes and dreams and goals; continue to stick to them, just like the sweet sticky mess from a glazed doughnut continues to stick to your fingers after you have eaten the doughnut.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“Don’t miss the doughnut by looking through the hole.” -Author Unknown

Constance: What has no beginning, no end, and no middle?
Connie: A doughnut.

Further fun follows below . . . doughnut forget to ‘MFOL!’

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Rain

2/7/2018

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“Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.” -Roger Miller

When the rain is splashing down
     On the fields and on the town
Singing winds begin to blow
     And the flowers start to grow.
-Author Unknown

Falling raindrops are not tear-shaped, but actually are shaped more like tiny hamburger buns . . . though without the sesame seeds.

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It Rains

It rains on the duck, cow, and horse.
     It rains on the trees and leaves, of course!
It rains on a little girl and fella.
     But I’m not wet; I have an umbrella!

-Author Unknown

Carl: How does the rain tie its shoes?
Clara: With a rainbow!

What is precipitation? Precipitation is any form of water particle that forms in the atmosphere and falls to the ground. Precipitation can be liquid or solid, as for example, raindrops, snowflakes, hail, sleet, or ice.

Rain

Rain, rain, falling down,
     Landing all around.
What a lovely sound you make
     Splashing on the ground!

-Author Unknown: sung to “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

“Raindrops: Water-berries.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“When life gives you a rainy day, play in the puddles.” -Author Unknown

What is rain? What is drizzle? Rain and drizzle are precipitation in the form of liquid water drops. The size of the drops determines which type they are. Raindrops have a diameter of 0.5 millimeters (0.02 inches) or larger. Light rain is any rain falling at a rate of 2.5 millimeters (0.1 inches) or less per hour. Raindrops fall faster through the atmosphere than smaller, lighter, less densely packed drizzle drops. Both drizzle and light rain fall to the ground, unlike fog and mist, which stay in the air close to the ground.

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Who Likes the Rain?

“I,” said the duck, “I call it fun,
     For I have my little red rubbers on;
They make a cunning three-toed track
     In the soft cool mud. Quack! Quack! Quack!”

“I,” cried the dandelion, “I,”
     My roots are thirsty, my buds are dry;
And she lifted a tussled, yellow head
     Out of her green and grassy bed.

“I hope ‘twill pour! I hope ‘twill pour!”
     Purred the tree-toad at his gray back-door.
“For, with a broad leaf for a roof,
     I am perfectly weather proof.”

Sang the brook, “I laugh at every drop,
     And wish they never need to stop
Till a big, big river I grew to be,
     And could find my way out to the sea.”

“I,” shouted Ted, “for I can run,
     With my high-top boots and my rain coat on,
Through every puddle, and runlet, and pool,
     That I find on my way to school.”

-Clara Doty Bates (1838 - 1895)

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Overheard: I like rain so much that I have begun to suspect that I may be part duck. Quack! Quack! Oh, no - I am a duck! How did this happen to me?! Everybody should be made aware of this - if you go out walking in the rain, you might turn into a duck! Quack!

What if the little rain should say,
     “So small a drop as I,
Can ne’er refresh a drooping earth,
     I’ll tarry in the sky.”
-Author Unknown

“Nature saves up rain in cloud banks.” -Author Unknown

“If I were running the world I would have it rain only between 2 and 5 a.m. Anyone who was out then ought to get wet.” -William Lyon Phelps

Rain, rain,
     Go away -
Come again,
     Another day!
-Author Unknown

Raindrops fall through the sky at an average rate of 6.4 meters (21 feet) per second, or 11.3 kilometers (7 miles) per hour. They are like tiny, watery skydivers . . . minus any parachutes, of course.

The wettest spot on Earth is located on the island of Kauai, Hawaii. There, Mount Waialeale consistently receives rainfall at the rate of nearly 1,270 centimeters (500 inches) a year.

Because rain must come from somewhere, it has been decided that it will come from clouds . . .

Walking in the Rain

Once in the rain I saw a man,
Strolling with an umbrella in hand.
     When I said it was insane
     To walk in the rain,
He said, “Well then, I’ll just stand.”

-Author Unknown

“No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.” -Author Unknown

Rich: What did one raindrop say to the other?
Chris: Two’s company, three’s a cloud.

“A rainy day is the perfect time for a walk in the woods.” -Rachel Carson

Rain

Two ducks went waddling down the lane.
     Said one to the other, “What beautiful rain!”
Two children came to the door with a frown.
     Said they, “What a pity, it’s pouring down!”
And old Mr. Weather scratched his head.
     “You can’t please everyone!” he said.

-Author Unknown

The most rain fall ever recorded in one year was in Cherrapunji, India where more than 25.4 meters (83.3 feet) of the wet stuff crashed to the Earth’s surface.

“I can’t believe it,” said the foreign tourist. “I’ve been here an entire week and it’s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?” “Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local resident. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”

Rain

Rain on the rooftop,
     Rain on the tree.
Rain on the green grass,
     But don’t rain on me!

-Author Unknown

Ombrophobia is a persistent fear of rain. If you have ombrophobia combined with umbrellaphobia, or a fear of umbrellas, your life is pretty much limited to the indoors on rainy days, which could cause you to develop a ‘fear of boredom’ - is there a word for that specific phobia?

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.” -Author Unknown

The Rain

Pitter-patter raindrops,
     Falling from the sky.
Here is my umbrella
     To keep me safe and dry.
When the rain is over
     And the sun begins to glow,
Little flowers start to bud
     And grow and grow and grow.

-Author Unknown

“It rained hard enough to fill a wire basket.” -attributed to Mike Royko (1932 - 1997)

The right amount of rain has a way of washing away the a great deal of the unpleasantness of life, making everything smell fresh and clean: making green things grow, giving animals a refreshing drink . . . but too much rain becomes floods, which have a way of washing away all of life itself. And, when areas go without rain or other water for long periods of time, it is called a drought, and life does not thrive in drought-like conditions.

“Many a man curses the rain that falls upon his head, and knows not that it brings abundance to drive away hunger.” -Basil (C.E. 330 - C.E. 379)

Puddles

When the rain is coming down
     In the puddles I splash around
The water’s wet, but I am dry
     I have my boots on, that is why!

-Author Unknown

Amy: What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
May: Hailing taxis!

Overheard: It’s raining cats and dogs - and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

“A man goes out to get the newspaper, comes back inside the house, and says to his wife, ‘It’s raining cats and dogs outside.’ His wife says, ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Yes,’ he says, ‘I just stepped in a poodle.’” -Jack Benny (1894 - 1974): “The Jack Benny Show” radio show

The phrase ‘raining cats and dogs’ originated in seventeenth-century England. During downpours of rain, stray animals would drown and float down the streets, seeming to show that it had ‘rained cats and dogs.’ Keep your pets safe at home!

Holly: What is it called when it rains ducks and geese?
Mollie: Fowl weather.

“Rain is a good reminder of how our attitude can affect everything. Some folks let it destroy their day; others consider it a blessing.” -Judy Ford

Rain Rain

Rain, rain falls on the street,
     mud in puddles cleaning my feet.
Thunder, thunder rumble and roar,
     close the windows and lock the door.
Clouds, clouds black and gray,
     heavy with water to drop all day.
Sun, sun is breaking through,
     clouds are moving, the rain stops too.
Rainbow, rainbow across the sky,
     see-through colors to tickle my eyes.

-Author Unknown

To ‘save something for a rainy day’ means to set money or other needs for a time when one will not be able to work to earn them, just as one might not be able to work on a rainy day or in a period of retirement from work.

Donald: I saved something for a rainy day.
Donna: That’s wonderful - what did you save?
Donald: A barrel of rainwater, from the last time it rained.

Welcome to ‘MFOL!’ We are here to bring a little happiness to the world, and we hope you will enjoy the fun and learning that follows below on this page, as well as on the pages shown on the menu bar at the top of this page, such as the ‘Stories & Essays’ page.

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Mealtime Graces

2/4/2018

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Let us bow our heads and say grace . . . Lord, we thank you for the blessings of this day and for the bounty before us . . .

Thank You God

Thank You God for
     The world so sweet,
Thank You God for
     The food we eat,
Thank You God for
     The birds that sing,
Thank You God for
     Everything.
Amen.

-Author Unknown

“Us and this, God bless.” -Author Unknown: Quaker grace

Johnny Appleseed Grace

Oh, the Lord’s been good to me
     And so I thank the Lord
For giving me the things I need
     The Sun and the rain and the apple seed.
The Lord’s been good to me.
     Hallelujah, amen.

-Author Unknown

Lord, we thank You
     For the food before us
The family beside us
     The love between us
And Your presence among us.
     Amen.
-Author Unknown

Lord, You give us good things to eat
     Like spuds and carrots, peas and meat.
May all the things we say and do
     Show our love and thanks to You.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

Humorous or rhyming mealtime graces may not be appropriate for all occasions; however, we have been endowed by our Creator with an ability to be joyful and playful, and there is a time for them as there is a time and place for everything in God’s Creation.

For food and health
     And happy days,
Please receive
     Our gratitude and praise.
-Author Unknown

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce, who?
Lettuce be thankful for our food.

Grace

God is great,
     God is good,
Let us thank Him
     For our food.
Amen.

-Author Unknown

Lord, thank You for this food.
It’s yet another reminder,
Of this truth from “Lamentations”:
That You are good to those whose hope is in You,
To those who seek You.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

Thank You, Lord,
For the richness of this food,
In color, taste, and texture,
And that it tastes all the sweeter,
For this blessing:
That we can enjoy it with those we love.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

Table Grace for Christmastime

In the midst of our decorating, shopping, and baking,
     Christmas whispers, “Immanuel.”
In the midst of our parties and merry-making,
     Christmas whispers, “Immanuel.”
Help us pause, Lord, while this food partaking,
     To rejoice in the promise, “Immanuel.”

-Author Unknown (For this prayer, whisper the first two occurrences of ‘Immanuel,’ but say the last one loudly and joyfully. Explain that ‘Immanuel’ means ‘God is with us.’)

Benedictus, Benedicat. [original Latin]
May the Blessed One, Bless. [English translation]
-Author Unknown

The treasures of this life
Are love, hope, and family.
God, thank you for all three.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

Many prayers end with ‘amen’ meaning ‘so may it be.’

Grace with Hands

God bless us (touch hands on head).
God bless the food (place hands around plate).
Amen (fold hands).

-Author Unknown

Lord, we thank You for this food.
As we receive all You give,
Help us to trust You more:
To trust in Your generosity,
For You are eager to bless us,
To trust in Your love,
For You will never reject us,
To trust in Your strength,
For You want to work through us.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

A Hare’s Prayer

God is great,
     God is good,
For the hare
     Grass is food,
And all the Earth
     A dinner plate.

-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

Dear God,
Please bless these sinners
     As they eat their dinners,
In Jesus name we pray,
     Amen.
-Author Unknown

For food in a world where many walk in hunger;
For faith in a world where many walk in fear;
For friends in a world where many walk alone;
We give you thanks, O Lord. Amen.
-Author Unknown: from the Huron Hunger Fund, Anglican Church of Canada

Bread is a lovely thing to eat;
     God bless the bakery and the wheat.
-Author Unknown

Bless this food for our use
     And us to thy service. Amen.
-Author Unknown

There once was a cock and a hen,
     Who gave lunch to a goose in a pen.
“Good Lord,” said the goose,
      “For good food and those who prepare it,
For good friends with whom to share it,
     We thank you Lord. Amen.”
-Author Unknown

Father, thank you for meat and bread.
     May all the world be clothed and fed.
-Author Unknown

Thank you Lord,
     And please know
That we are truly grateful
     For every cup and every plate full.
-Author Unknown

We thank the Lord for happy hearts
     For rain and sunny weather
We thank the Lord for this our food
     And that we are together
-Author Unknown

Lord,
     Please make us able
To eat all the food on the table
     I think we can do it
If we all stick to it.
     Amen.
-Author Unknown

Evening Grace

We thank you Lord at our evening meal,
     For the blessings, friendships, and love we feel.
Oh, guide our minds and our hearts we pray,
     Let us all make tomorrow a joyful day.

-Author Unknown: sung to the tune of, “What Child is This”

God is great,
God is good.
Let us thank God
For our food.
By his grace
We are fed.
Thank you God
For daily bread.
-Author Unknown

God of goodness, please bless our food,
     And please keep us in a pleasant mood.
-Author Unknown

Our hands we fold;
     Our heads we bow;
For food and drink,
     We thank thee now.
-Author Unknown

Many mealtime graces are short in length, because if hungry people are at a table with the promise of food, and they do not get food soon, they might start chewing on their fingernails, the napkins, the tablecloth, each other, or anything else that is within reach!

Thank you God
For milk and bread
And other things so good
Thank you God
For those who help
To grow and cook our food.
-Author Unknown

God,
We thank you
     For the food we eat,
For your protection,
     From cold and heat,
For health and strength,
     For love and laughter,
And finally, God,
     For life ever after.
Amen.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

Thank You for the Special Things

Dear God,
We thank you for our food,
For life and joy and play,
We thank you for the special things
You give to us this day.

-Author Unknown

Singing Grace

Lord, we thank You,
     Lord, we thank You,
For our food,
     For our food,
And our many blessings,
     And our many blessings.
Amen. Amen.

-Author Unknown: sung to the tune of “Frere Jacques,” also known as, “Are You Sleeping, Brother John?”

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power
And the glory and the victory and the majesty,
For all that is in the Heavens and in the Earth is Yours.
We thank You and praise Your name,
For all this abundance comes from Your hand.
Help us keep joy and gratitude in our hearts
And direct our hearts toward You.
Amen.
-Author Unknown: prayer based on “The Bible,” ‘First Chronicles,’ chapter 29

God our Father,
     Lord and Savior,
Thank you for
     Your love and favor
Bless this food we pray
     And all who share it
With us today.
-Author Unknown

Thank You God

Thank You God for feet that run
     And hop and jump and have such fun.
Thank You God for hands that clap,
     Wiggle, wave, and pet a cat.
Thank You God for making me,
     And mom and dad and friends I see.
We love You, praise You, and shout out Your name.
     Our God is forever and ever the same!

-Author Unknown

We love our bread,
     We love our butter,
But most of all,
     We love each other,
Thank You Lord
     For our food.
Amen.
-Author Unknown

This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . your cheerful ways and pleasant smiles make it all worthwhile . . .

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Pickles

2/2/2018

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Here you will find fun stuff to say to people while they are eating pickles . . .

Stacy: What is green, noisy, and moves very fast?
Tracy: A herd of stampeding pickles! Look, there they go now!

Brightly colored pickles, an idea that likely originated in the Mississippi Delta, are spreading throughout the land. You can find them in red, purple, orange . . . all the colors of your favorite powdered drink mix. Even children like them. Just make Kool-Aid or other powdered drink mix according to package directions, but make it double-strength. Add pickles that have been cut lengthwise, and then place them in a refrigerator for a week to allow for color absorption.

Overheard: A pickle is, like, a really gnarly cucumber, dude!

The English word ‘pickle’ is derived from the Dutch word ‘pekel’ meaning ‘brine.’ Brine is a solution made of water and salt (commonly sodium chloride).

Carrie: What is green, bumpy, and faster than a speeding bullet?
Corey: Super Pickle!

According to pickle industry standards, a pickle’s crunch should be audible from ten paces away.

Ryan: What do you get if you cross a cucumber with a werewolf?
Brian: A pickle that gets hairy when there is a full moon.

The Italian financier, navigator, and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci, for whom the Americas (North and South) were named, was a pickle merchant before becoming an explorer. Because refrigeration did not exist back then, pickling was an important way of keeping food edible for long periods of time, and everything from fish to fruits was pickled in bottles and barrels.

Nelson: What do you do with a pickle when it is one year old?
Nellie: Wish it a happy birthday

Whole Gherkins are great for snacking, or can be served alongside a sandwich.

Any food can be pickled. Vegetables can be pickled, including peppers and beets, and there are pickled hard-boiled eggs, pickled fish such as herring, and pickled pig’s feet. However, the word ‘pickle’ used as a noun refers specifically to a pickled cucumber.

Stout: What is long and green and grouchy?
Slim: A sour pickle.

According to pickle industry research, the average American prefers pickles with seven ‘warts’ per square inch, while Europeans prefer pickles with no ‘warts.’ Apparently, Americans like pickles that are easy to grip and Europeans like their pickles slippery.

Paula: What is green and sour and always changing its mind?
Polly: A fickle pickle.

Twenty-six billion pickles are packed each year in the United States of America, which amounts to about nine pounds of pickles per person. So, who wants a pickle?

Mr. Perkins

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety-three -
And pickled his internal workings.

-Author Unknown

An average-size dill pickle contains just 15 calories.

Al: What is long and green and jumps every few seconds?
Bert: A pickle with the hiccups!

Pickles are a fat-free food.

Alex: What is green and sour and gives presents to boys and girls?
Rex: Santa Pickle.

Sliced pickles are often found on hamburger sandwiches and other types of sandwiches.

Are pickles a fruit or a vegetable? Actually, they are both, according to the United States Supreme Court. Because pickles have seeds, they are technically a ‘fruit of the vine.’ However, because pickles are made from cucumbers, they are generally known as a vegetable.

Chase: What is a pickle in full bloom called?
Grace: A daffy-dill.

In order for a pickle to be considered officially a pickle in Connecticut, United States of America, it must bounce.

Question: What is black and white and green and bumpy?
Answer: A pickle wearing a tuxedo.

Peter Piper

Peter Piper picked a peck
     Of pickled peppers;
A peck of pickled peppers
     Peter Piper Picked.

If Peter Piper picked a peck
     Of Pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers
     Peter Piper Picked?

-Author Unknown

Varieties of cucumber pickles include Bread-and-Butter, Brined, Cornichon, Danish, Deep-Fried, Dill, Gherkin, Hungarian, Kosher Dill, Lime, Polish, and Swedish.

Josiah: What is green and hairy and hangs out in New York?
Joseph: King Kong Pickle.

National Pickle Day, or Pickle Appreciation Day as some folks like to call it, is observed on 14 November of each year.

Pickle relish goes well atop a hotdog on a bun, or can be put in potato salad, tuna salad, or macaroni salad.

“Hunger is the best pickle.” -Benjamin Franklin

Mick: What is green and goes through walls?
Mack: A pickle, but you have to throw it really hard!

Henry John Heinz, founder of the H. J. Heinz Company, was a marketing and advertising pioneer. His company had the largest commercial exhibit at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, and in 1900 erected the first electric sign in New York City, a colossal forty foot long pickle.

Claudia: What did one pickle say to the other?
Claudette: “You mean a great dill to me.”

The expression “in a pickle” originated with the English playwright William Shakespeare. He used it in his play, “The Tempest” (about 1611) in the two lines: “How cam’st thou in this pickle?” and “I have been in such a pickle!”

Russell: What is green and pecks on trees?
Randall: Woody Wood Pickle!

Natives of the Pacific Islands pickle food in holes in the ground lined with banana leaves, in order to have a reliable reserve of food during the rainy season. The pickles are so valuable that they have become a part of the courting process, helping a man to prove that he will be able to provide for a woman. So, in Fiji, a guy cannot marry a gal without first showing her parents his stock of pickled food.

Ricky: Why do gherkins giggle a lot?
Mickey: They’re pickle-ish!

Some people throw pickle juice away, but it can be poured through a sieve or cheesecloth and then served chilled as a beverage, just like lemonade.

Who wants a glass of pickle juice?!

“You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they’re a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week.” -Stephen Manes

Bread-and-Butter Pickles can go on bread on which has been spread a generous amount of real butter.

Mr. Jefferson: What is red, white, blue, and green?
Mr. Franklin: A patriotic pickle!

More than half the cucumbers grown in the United States of America are made into pickles. So, what is growing in your garden?

George turned to his wife Martha and said, “Do we need these pickles? They are on sale, and they seem like a really good dill.”

Overheard: I love you more than pickles!

This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . well, that finishes things pickle-ish, and so now it is time for us to go out to get more sweet pickles, sour pickles, sliced pickles, pickle relish, and pickle juice . . . it seems we are running low on all of them . . .

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Solitude and Loneliness

1/29/2018

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If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you are not alone in what you are experiencing . . . and yet you are alone . . . so very, very alone . . .

“You call it being alone. I call it enjoying my own company.” -Author Unknown

“They are never alone that are accompanied with noble thoughts.” -Philip Sidney (1554 - 1586)

“I was never less alone than when by myself.” -Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794): “Memoir” (1796), Volume 1, page 117

“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.” -Kim Culbertson

Jered: Why are bananas never lonely?
Derek: Because they hang around in bunches.

Sometimes

Sometimes I like to be alone
And look up at the sky
And think my thoughts inside my head -
Just me, myself, and I.

-Mary Ann Hoberman (born 1930)

“In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people.” -Judy Garland (Frances Gumm (1922 - 1969)): as quoted in Barbara Rowes: “The Book of Quotes” (1979)

“Dear sidewalk, please get wider. Sincerely, third friend walking behind feeling excluded.” -Author Unknown

“More than any other human problem, loneliness, the absence of meaningful human connection, drains the joy and sense of purpose from our lives. It explains why people go to shopping centers when they have no intention of shopping. They just need to be somewhere where other people are, hoping that among the hundreds of strangers passing by, they will find one familiar face. It explains why people come home from work or school and immediately switch on the television. They are not interested in the program much of the time, they do not even know what is on. But they are desperate for the sound of another human voice in their lives.” -Harold Kushner (Harold Samuel Kushner (born 1935))

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))

“The difference between solitude and loneliness is the quality of the company we keep.” -Author Unknown

How to Cope with Loneliness
- Adopt a pet.
- Take up a hobby or a cause.
- Keep busy with whatever you can find to do.
- Help others or become a volunteer.
- Make friends of strangers.
- Go to places where other people go.
- What can you add to this list?

“There is a French proverb: To live happy, live hidden. Where can Brigitte Bardot hide?” -Brigitte Bardot (born 1934)

“Loneliness is the way by which destiny endeavors to lead man to himself.” -Hermann Hesse (1877 - 1962): “Reflections” (1974), number 196

There are times when you want to be alone - but the world will not let you alone!

“I never said, ‘I want to be alone.’ I only said, ‘I want to be left alone.’ There is all the difference.” -Greta Garbo (Greta Lovisa Gustafsson (1905 - 1990))

“Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.” -Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794)

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” -Joseph F. Newton (Joseph Fort Newton (1878 - 1949))

“The pain of loneliness is normal, and is felt by everyone, and is nature’s way of telling us that we are meant to be with others of our own kind.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)

“I like to be alone, but I dislike being lonely.” -Author Unknown

“One can acquire everything in solitude - except character.” -Stendhal (pseudonym of Marie-Henri Beyle (1783 - 1842))

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a one-hundred-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal. “Would you like to go to Frank’s Diner with me and have a bite to eat?” he asked the centipede in the box. But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going out and having a snack with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, he said, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?” A tiny little voice came squeaking out of the box in reply, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

“It is strange to be known so universally and yet be so lonely.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

“Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.” -Teresa of Calcutta (Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (1910 - 1997))

“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” -May Sarton (pseudonym of Eleanore Marie Sarton (1912 - 1995))

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.” -Paul Tournier

“The finest hours of life are not those spent among groups of people, but in good conversation with a few, in reading good books, in listening to great music, wandering in a forest of giant Sequoias, peering into a microscope, unraveling Nature’s secrets in a laboratory. The men who have the most to give their fellow men are those who have enriched their minds and hearts in solitude. It is a poor education that does not fit a man to be alone with himself.” -Joel Henry Hildebrand

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

“No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know none who cares or understands.” -Arthur H. Stainback

“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.” -Jarod Kintz (born 1982)

“It’s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.” -Diane Grant

“If I’m such a legend, why am I so lonely?” -Judy Garland (Frances Gumm (1922 - 1969))

“The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990)

“City life: Millions of people being lonesome together.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone.” -Henrik Ibsen (Henrik Johan ‘Henrik’ Ibsen (1828 - 1906))

“What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross (1819 - 1880))

“Learn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life.” -Ann Richards

William Osler (1849 - 1919), visiting one of London’s leading children’s hospitals, noticed that in a convalescent ward all the children were clustered at one end of the room dressing their dolls, playing games, and playing in the sandbox - all except for one little girl, who sat forlornly on the edge of her high, narrow bed, clutching a cheap doll. The great physician looked at the lonely little figure, then at the ward nurse. “We’ve tried to get Susan to play,” the nurse whispered, “but the other children just won’t have anything to do with her. You see, no one comes to see her. Her mother is dead, and her father has been here just once - he brought her that doll. The children have a strange code. Visitors mean so much. If you don’t have any visitors, you are ignored.” William walked over to the child’s bed and asked in a voice loud enough for the others to hear, “May I sit down, please?” The little girl’s eyes lit up. “I can’t stay very long this visit,” Osler went on, “but I have wanted to see you so badly.” For five minutes he sat talking with her, even inquiring about her doll’s health and solemnly pulling out his stethoscope to listen to the doll’s chest. And as he left, he turned to the youngster and said in a carrying voice, “You won’t forget our secret, will you? - and mind, don’t tell anyone.” At the door he looked back. His new friend was now the center of a curious and admiring throng.

“When you have shut your doors and darkened your room, remember never to say that you are alone; for you are not alone, but God is within and your genius is within.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich (Paul Johannes Tillich (1886 - 1965))

“My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs reading, ‘No Trespassing,’ ‘Beware of Dog,’ and ‘Keep Out - This Means You!’ Finally, arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, ‘Come and see me again sometime. I don’t get many visitors up this way.’ The lesson is simple: Ask yourself, am I lonely because of the ‘messages’ I am sending out?” -Author Unknown

Just as no day is complete without some fun in it, a trip around the internet is never complete without visiting the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website. If you know something about loneliness - and don’t we all - please feel free to let us know at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . the website for people who laugh at their own jokes . . .

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Mail and Post Offices

1/25/2018

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Mabel: How can I keep birds from nesting in my mailbox?
Gertrude: Install a cat.

In 1913, it was legal to ship children by mail. With postage attached to their clothing, they rode trains to their destinations, accompanied by a letter carrier.

Melvin: What two words have the most letters?
Mailman: ‘Post office.’

Post Office Clerk: This package is too heavy. You will have to put another stamp on it.
Customer: And putting another stamp on it will make it lighter?

“Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages $25 per week.” -Author Unknown: Pony Express (1860) advertisement

Bobby: Have you heard about the romance at the post office?
Darren: Yes, a stamp is stuck on an envelope.

Tip for reopening envelope: If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, place your sealed envelope inside a plastic bag, and then inside a freezer for an hour or two. It will then likely unseal quite easily.

A dog walked into a post-office, and joined the queue (got in line). When he reached the cashier, he said, “Hello, I’d like to send a telegram please.” The cashier, mildly startled to be addressed by a dog, said “Uh, certainly. What message would you like to send?” The dog said “Here is the message: Woof-woof. Woof-woof woof-woof. Woof-woof-woof, woof. Woof.” The cashier, half-sarcastically, said to the dog, “You haven’t quite reached the character-limit. Would you like to add an extra ‘woof’?” The dog replied, “Don’t be daft, that wouldn’t make any sense!”

One interesting fact about the Pony Express system for delivering mail in the United States of America is that there was not a single pony in the Pony Express . . . just horses.

A woman purchased a postage stamp at the post office. “Must I stick it on myself?” she asked. “Well, madam,” replied the postal clerk. “It might be better if you stuck it on the envelope.”

The ‘ZIP’ in ZIP code stands for ‘Zoning Improvement Plan.’

Gwendolyn: What travels around the world while sitting in a corner?
Wendy: A stamp.

Every time you lick a stamp, you consume one-tenth of a calorie. Thank goodness for the peel-and-stick stamps, which allow us to ‘stick’ to our diets!

Shannon: What starts with ‘e,’ ends with ‘e,’ and contains one letter?
Shane: An envelope.

The world’s first adhesive postage stamp went on sale in England in 1840. It was the called the Penny Black, and portrayed Queen Victoria.

Joseph: What two letters describe a mailbox with nothing in it?
Sophia: ‘MT.’

Before 1863, the postal service in the United States of America was free.

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well then, give me fifty Catholic stamps and fifty Baptist stamps.”

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Benjamin Franklin was appointed the first United States Postmaster General on 26 July 1775.

“Neither Snow, Nor Rain, Nor Heat, Nor Gloom of Night Stops These Couriers From the Swift Completion of Their Appointed Rounds.” -adaptation of words by Herodotus: inscription on the façade of the General Post Office in New York City, New York, United States of America

The original wording of the above was: “Not snow, no, nor rain, nor night keeps them from accomplishing their appointed courses with all speed.” -Herodotus (484 B.C.E. - 425 B.C.E.): “The Histories of Herodotus,” book VIII, chapter 98

They just came out with a new postage stamp. It has a picture of people waiting in line to buy stamps at a post office.

Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the United States of America since 1916, when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.

Monica: What is big and gray, has forty feet, and runs to the post office?
Monique: A herd of elephants in a ‘stamp’-ede.

“Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.” -Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw (1818 - 1885))

Postmen in Victorian England were popularly called ‘robins.’ This was because their uniforms were red. The British Post Office grew out of the carrying of royal dispatches. Red was considered a royal color, so uniforms and letterboxes were red. Christmas cards often showed a robin delivering Christmas mail.

Xavier: How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Yvette: 12. (If you answered 4, go to the back of the line!)

Have you heard about the new postage stamps?
- The Peanut Butter Stamp: It sticks to the roof of your mouth.
- The Athlete Stamp: It is so sweaty that you do not have to lick it.
- The Hermit Stamp: It sticks to itself.
- The Welder’s Stamp: If you cannot lick it, join it.
- The Santa Claus Stamp: Yule love it.
- The Cat Stamp: It licks itself.
- The Stork Stamp: It delivers itself.
- The King Arthur Stamp: It is good for over-knight delivery.
- The Kindergarten Stamp: It is good for first class.
- The Fog Stamp: It comes with postage dew.

Before you run out to buy some stamps to mail that letter, would you please send us your mail and post office humor? We are at - where else but - MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.

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