Make Fun Of Life!

Santa’s Reindeer Ate a Christmas Tree!

12/13/2019

Well, a ho-ho-ho and a merry Christmas to everyone!

Do you know what happened the year that Santa’s reindeer ate a Christmas tree? You can read the delightful and amusing short story by clicking directly on Christmas.

If you came here looking for fun, you are in the right place. Just travel down this page, skipping any topics that might not interest you, until you come to the ones that appeal to you. When you have a moment, be sure to explore some of the other pages on the website, such as the Holidays and the Library pages, which can be viewed by clicking on the menu bar above.

This is MFOL! . . . so, how many more days are there until Christmas?

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Past-Dwelling and Past-Dwellers

12/12/2019

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“Only look back to see how far you’ve come.” -Author Unknown

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest, that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” -Jan Glidewell (James Janis ‘Jan’ Glidewell (1944 - 2013))

“If you’re yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.” -Griff Niblack

“If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.” -Author Unknown

“Do not look back; if Cinderella had gone back to pick up her shoe, she would never have become a princess.” -Author Unknown

“You can’t have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))

“I live in the past because it’s cheaper there.” -Author Unknown

“Don’t look back - that’s not where the future is.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Living in the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way.” -Edna Ferber (1887 - 1968)

“The Ogle Fish swims everywhere backwards, because it is only interested in seeing where it has already been.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Remember, you can’t reach for what’s in front of you, until you let go of what’s behind you.” -Author Unknown

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” -Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898)): “Alice in Wonderland” (1865)

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.” -Author Unknown

“We can draw lessons from the past, but we cannot live in it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson (Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908 - 1973))

“Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.” -Robin Sharma (born 1965)

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The Good Old Days

“In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the Winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.” -Bill Flavin

“In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.” -Sarah M. Wolford

“In my day, we didn’t have days. There was only ‘time for work,’ ‘time for prayer,’ and ‘time for sleep.’ The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.” -Elden Carnahan

“In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.” -Diana Hugue

by Author Unknown: as published in the “Washington Post” (about 1997) newspaper in a contest on the subject of the difficulty of the good old days

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“For those who live in the past, there is no future.” -Author Unknown

“When setting priorities, going forward is likely to be found to be more important than looking back.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“That which is past is gone and irrevocable, and wise men have enough to do with things present and to come.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)

Aaron: How many past-dwellers does it take to change a light bulb?
Erin: Four. One to change the bulb and three to reminisce about how good the old burned-out, broken bulb was.

“The past is to learn from and not to live in.” -Richard L. Evans (Richard Louis Evans (1906 - 1971))

“The water that is past cannot make the mill go.” -Author Unknown

“How many people long for that ‘past, simpler, and better world,’ I wonder, without ever recognizing the truth that perhaps it was they who were simpler and better, and not the world about them?” -R. A. Salvatore

“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935)) (similar quotation attributed to Richard H. Nelson)

“The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” -L. Thomas Holdcroft

“If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven’t done much today.” -Author Unknown

“It’s but little good you’ll do a-watering the last year’s crop.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans (1819 - 1880)): “Adam Bede” (1859)

Retrosaurus: A backward-looking dinosaur. Usage example: Past-dwellers can be crusty old retrosauruses at times.

“Nothing has ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?” -Eckhart Tolle (born 1948 as Ulrich Leonard Tölle)

“When we cling to the past, we become unavailable in the present.” -Author Unknown

“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.” -Byrd Baggett

“Move forward, don’t look back, just forget the past.” -Author Unknown

“The more we look backwards, the less we will be able to see forward.” -Author Unknown

Past-Dwelling and Past-Dwellers Quiz
- What does it mean when a person is said to be dwelling in the past?
- What is the difference between dwelling in the past and reminiscing?
- What harm can it do to dwell in the past?
- How can a person stop dwelling in the past, start living in the present, and start working and planning for the future?

“It’s okay to look back at the past. Just don’t stare.” -Benjamin Dover

“We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays.” -Persius (Aulus Persius Flaccus (C.E. 34 - C.E. 62))

“It is not possible to go forward while looking back.” -Ludwig Mies van der Rohe (1886 - 1969)

“When you focus on what might have been, it gets in the way of what can be.” -Patricia Fripp

“Looking back gives you regrets. Looking ahead gives you opportunities.” -Author Unknown

“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along.” -Author Unknown

This is MFOL! . . . looking forward to what is coming next . . .

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Quitting and Trying

12/9/2019

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“There is an old saying: ‘If you hang in there long enough, keep trying, and don’t give up, something good is sure to happen.’” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

You Can Do It

Giving up is easy
     When your dreams seem far away,
And life is full of obstacles,
     You face them every day.
But, no matter what the challenge
     Some faith will get you through it.
So never quit believing,
     Just remember, you can do it!

by Author Unknown

“No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.” -Tony Robbins (Anthony Jay ‘Tony’ Robbins (born 1960))

“I already know what giving up feels like. I want to see what happens if I don’t.” -Neila Rey (born 1986), website https://darebee.com

“Never quit. If you stumble, get back up. What happened yesterday no longer matters. Today is another day. So, get back on track and move closer to your dreams and goals. You can do it.” -Author Unknown

“Life is trying things to see if they work.” -Ray Bradbury (Ray Douglas Bradbury (1920 - 2012))

“It’s always too soon to quit!” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“The man who tried his best and failed is superior to the man who never tried.” -Bud Wilkinson (Charles Burnham ‘Bud’ Wilkinson (1916 - 1994))

“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” -George E. Woodberry (George Edward Woodberry (1855 - 1930))

“Your biggest break can come from never quitting. Being at the right place at the right time can only happen when you keep moving toward the next opportunity.” -Arthur Pine

“Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not.” -Vigil Thomson (1896 - 1989)

“There is no failure except in no longer trying.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“Before you quit, try.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))

“In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.” -Cassius Longinus (C.E. 213 - C.E. 273)

“Unless you’re willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won’t happen.” -Phillip Adams (Phillip Andrew Hedley Adams (born 1939))

“If you only do what you know you can do, you never do very much.” -Tom Krause (Tom Gunnar Krause (1934 - 2013))

“Try and fail, but don’t fail to try.” -Stephen Kaggwa

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett (1906 - 1989)

“Don’t give up. One day you will look back and be glad you didn’t.” -Author Unknown

“In every triumph there’s a lot of try.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

“Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.” -Author Unknown

“No one knows what he can do till he tries.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.): “Public Sayings”

“Never let a stumble in the road be the end of the journey.” -Author Unknown

“It doesn’t matter if you try and try and try again, and fail. It does matter if you try and fail, and fail to try again.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))

“Every accomplishment starts with a decision to try.” -Author Unknown

“If you don’t try, you can’t fail . . . or succeed.” -Author Unknown

“Resolve never to quit, never to give up, no matter what the situation.” -Jack Nicklaus (Jack William Nicklaus (born 1940))

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))

“One must learn by doing the thing. For though you think you know it, you have no certainty until you try.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“‘It’s impossible,’ said pride. ‘It’s risky,’ said experience. ‘It’s pointless,’ said reason. ‘Give it a try,’ whispered the heart.” -Author Unknown

“Many a man never fails because he never tries.” -Norman MacEwan (Norman Duckworth Kerr MacEwan (1881 - 1953))

“The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing.” -David Viscott (David Steven Viscott (1938 - 1996))

“Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one-yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game, one foot from a winning touchdown.” -Ross Perot (Henry Ross Perot (born 1930))

“Trying will do anything in this world.” -Theocritus (about 300 B.C.E. - after 260 B.C.E.)

“Try something, anything. If it doesn’t work, try something else. The important thing is that you try, and keep on trying, and never give up trying.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“What isn’t tried won’t work.” -Claude McDonald (Claude Maxwell McDonald (1852 - 1915))

“Michelangelo stated, ‘The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but it is too low and we reach it.’ Don’t give up. Success is within reach of everyone, as long as you try. As long as someone is willing to take the first step and continue taking steps, success can be realized. In fact, taking that first step could be the greatest success because it is the building block for all steps that follow and all successes that will be realized in your life. Remember, always try, and remember this simple saying. I never see failure as failure, but only an opportunity to practice and perfect my skills as I take the journey to becoming successful at whatever I decide to do.” -Author Unknown

“They fail, and they alone, who have not striven.” -Thomas Bailey Aldrich (1836 - 1907)

“Always remember: All that other folks can do, why with patient persistent trying should not you? Keep that noble chin up and keep trying - wonderful things can happen when we just try! Now, think happy thoughts, put your smile on, and have the best imaginable day!” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“If you never try, you will never know.” -Author Unknown

“Life has two rules: Number one, never quit; Number two, always remember rule number one.” -Duke Ellington (1899 - 1974)

“It is better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn’t matter.” -Martin Seligman (Martin E. P. ‘Marty’ Seligman (born 1942))

“You can’t even be a failure if you’ve never tried.” -Andy Capp

“You’ll never find out what you can do, until you do all you can to find out.” -John C. Maxwell (John Calvin Maxwell (born 1947))

“One does not always do the best there is. One does the best one can.” -Catherine the Great (also known as Catherine II (1729 - 1796))

“Losers quit when they are tired. Winners quit when they have won.” -Author Unknown

“The only failure is a failure to try. Everything else is just learning.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Have you ever considered the cost of quitting? For a real eye opener . . . ask Thomas Edison . . . Steve Jobs . . . Michael Jordan . . . or Jim Carrey . . . ask them how much it would have cost them if they had quit . . . what about you?” -Doug Firebaugh (born 1968)

Overheard: Give it one more try . . .

“To try and fail is at least to learn; to fail to try is to suffer the inestimable loss of what might have been.” -Chester Barnard (Chester Irving Barnard (1886 - 1961))

“Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” -Author Unknown

“Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will.” -Robert Anthony (Robert Newton Anthony (1916 - 2006))

“Try your best, and then on each succeeding try, attempt to best your last try.” -Author Unknown

“The last dejected effort often becomes the winning stroke.” -W. J. Cameron (William John Cameron (1879 - 1953))

“Ninety percent of those who fail are not actually defeated. They simply quit.” -Paul J. Meyer (Paul James Meyer (1928 - 2009))

“If you find yourself in surroundings or around people who tell you that you are a failure before you have even begun to try, you must find a way to begin to try somewhere else and either around people who do not condemn you, or in peaceful solitude.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“If you kinda sorta try, you get kinda sorta results.” -Author Unknown

“Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing.” -L. M. Montgomery (Lucy Maud Montgomery (1874 - 1942)): “Anne of Green Gables” (June 1908), Chapter 35; line spoken by fictional character Anne

“You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.” -Beverly Sills (1929 - 2007)

“Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest.” -Author Unknown

“Every single one of us possesses the strength to attempt something he isn’t sure he can accomplish.” -Scott Jurek (Scott Gordon Jurek (born 1973))

“You won’t succeed unless you try.” -Author Unknown

“How many a man has thrown up his hands at a time when a little more effort, a little more patience, would have achieved success.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must be first overcome.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784): “Rasselas” (1759)

“People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don’t know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to.” -George H. Allen (George Herbert Allen, Senior (1918 - 1990))

“The only ones who truly fail are those that never try.” -Author Unknown

“You can’t hit a home run unless you step up to the plate. You can’t catch fish unless you put your line in the water. You can’t reach your goals if you don’t try.” -Kathy Seligman

“If you try you might; if you don’t you won’t.” -Author Unknown

“You never fail until you stop trying.” -Florence Griffith Joyner (Florence Delorez Griffith-Joyner (1959 - 1998))

“When you win, nothing hurts.” -Joe Namath (Joseph William ‘Joe’ Namath (born 1943))

This is MFOL! . . . where we never stop trying . . . and that is why much more fun and learning is coming up next . . .

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Music

12/8/2019

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“One man’s noise is another man’s music.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“There is nothing to it. You only have to hit the right notes at the right time and the instrument plays itself.” -J. S. Bach (Johann Sebastian Bach (1685 - 1750)): as quoted in K. Geiringer: “The Bach Family” (1954), ‘Of the Organ’

A New Song

There was a composer named Zong
Who composed a new popular song.
     It was simply the croon
     Of a lovesick baboon,
With occasional thumps on the gong.

by Author Unknown

“My music is best understood by children and animals.” -Igor Stravinsky (1882 - 1971): as quoted in the “Observer” (8 October 1961)

Eric: My brother has been practicing the violin for twenty years.
Zack: He must be really good.
Eric: Not really - it was nineteen years before he realized you aren’t supposed to blow into it.

“I think the first time I knew what I wanted to do with my life was when I was about four years old. I was listening to an old Victrola, playing a railroad song. The song was called ‘Hobo Bill’s Last Ride.’ And I thought it was the most wonderful, amazing thing that I’d ever heard.” -Johnny Cash (1932 - 2003)

Wesley: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
Leslie: To reach the high notes.

“The great object of music is to touch the heart.” -Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach (also known as Karl Philipp Emmanuel Bach (1714 - 1788))

Martha: What comes before a tuba?
Bertha: A one-ba.

Marta: What comes after a tuba?
Berta: A three-ba.

Important Stuff You Need to Know about Music
- A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
- A tuba is much larger than its name.
- Cymbals are round metal clangs.
- Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
- Most authorities agree that the music of antiquity was written long ago.
- The main trouble with a French horn is that it is too tangled up.
- The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is being near the noise.
- Tubas are a bit too much.
- When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

“All music is folk music; I ain’t never heard no horse sing a song.” -Louis Armstrong (1900 - 1971)

Austrian composer Joseph Haydn composed his Quartet Number 49 in D-major for two violins, viola and violoncello, in the year 1785. For the most part, it is a thoughtful and serious work, but in Opus 50, Number 6, a frog can be heard croaking loudly, even stridently, in sounds produced by playing the same notes alternately on two neighboring strings. This part of the set is popularly known as ‘The Frog.’

Kevin: What instrument plays only sour notes?
Marvin: A pickle-o.

“Long before there was human music, the harmony and rhythm of nature, such as falling rain (rhythm section), wind whispering in the trees and rocks (wind instruments), and pounding thunder (percussion instruments), all soothed the savage beast.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harmony.
Harmony, who?
Harmony more jokes like these can a person take?

“I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs, and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans, possibly also known as Marian Evans Cross (1819 - 1880)): “The Mill on the Floss” (1860), Book VI, chapter vi

“Music is well said to be the speech of angels.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

Clarinet players
Are smarter than trombonists
Because they can reed
-Guy Ben-Moshe

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” -Berthold Auerbach (Berthold ‘Red’ Auerbach (1812 - 1882))

Marla: Why did the punk rocker take a pen and paper onstage?
Darla: He wanted to draw a big crowd.

“Music is so naturally united with us that we cannot be free from it even if we so desired.” -Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius (C.E. 475 - C.E. 523)

The Tutor

A Tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
     Said the two to the Tutor,
     “Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”

by Carolyn Wells (Carolyn Wells Houghton (1862 - 1942))

“Just how much impact does music have? In 1703, Andrew Fletcher, a great Scottish patriot, made this observation (and I paraphrase him): ‘You write the laws, let me write the music, and I will rule your country.’” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012)): “Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World” (1985)

Jessica: What kind of sound comes from a refrigerator with a built-in stereo?
Jillian: Very cool music.

“Music is medicine to man.” -Author Unknown: inscription on bell number 4 at Saint Mary’s Church in Harrow-on-the-Hill, England

“I don’t care much about music. What I like is sounds.” -Dizzy Gillespie (John Birks ‘Dizzy’ Gillespie (1917 - 1993))

Did the two Rock bands named Styx and Stones ever perform together? Styx and Stones may break my eardrums . . . but New Age Jazz music will never thrill me.

“Music is what feelings sound like.” -Author Unknown

Adolphe Sax was born in Belgium in the early nineteenth century. He grew up accident prone: He was struck on the head by a brick, swallowed a needle, fell down a flight of stairs, toppled himself onto a burning stove, and accidentally drank sulfuric acid. None of this, however, prevented him from perfecting, in 1835, a wind instrument combining the reed mouthpiece of a clarinet with a bent conical tube of metal, equipped with finger keys. In his honor, it is called the saxophone.

Oboe: An English tramp.

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))

Dancer: Say, can’t you stretch the music a little longer - just a dance or two more?
Band Leader: Sorry, sir, this isn’t a rubber band.

“Music is a friend of labor, for it lightens the task by refreshing the nerves and spirit of the worker.” -William Green

Two musicians were walking down the street, and one said to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” The other replied, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”

“Music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life.” -Jean Paul (pseudonym of Johann Paul Friedrich Richter (1763 - 1825))

Kermit: How do you make a small fortune in folk music?
Armand: Start with a large fortune.

Sign on music shop door: Gone Chopin. Back in a Minuet.

“An agreeable harmony for the honor of God and the permissible delights of the soul.” -J. S. Bach (Johann Sebastian Bach (1685 - 1750)): as quoted in Derek Watson: “Music Quotations” (1911), a definition of music

Suggested Minimum Safe Distances between Street Musicians and Audiences
- Violinist: 25 feet.
- Bad violinist: 50 feet.
- Tone deaf guitar player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet.
- 15 year-old electric guitar player with a Nirvana complex: 100 feet.
- Accordionist: 60 miles.
- Bagpipe player: 2 continents.

“I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn’t like it when you join in.” -Mick Miller

Good Reasons to Play the Tuba
8. People like shiny objects.
7. It is better than playing bagpipes.
6. When you play, people listen.
5. During rehearsal, you get to sit in the back of the room.
4. During marching practice, you can use the bell to block out the Sun.
3. People hold doors open for you.
2. You don’t have to wear those silly hats.
1. You will never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.

If you wanted to learn to play a musical instrument, which one would you start with, and why?

“Music: A beautiful succession of sounds.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“The aim and final end of all music should be none other than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul. If heed is not paid to this, it is not true music but a diabolical bawling and twanging.” -J. S. Bach (Johann Sebastian Bach (1685 - 1750))

Musical instruments have been traditionally grouped - for the most part - into one of four ‘Families,’ based on how they produce sound. The families are the Brasswind instruments, the Percussion instruments, the String instruments, and the Woodwind instruments. Additional families, including the Keyboard instruments and the Electronic instruments, have been suggested more recently. A few instruments, such as the piano, do not fit neatly into just one family group. The piano has strings that vibrate like the Stringed instruments, and hammers that strike like the Percussion instruments.

“When you are about thirty-five years old, something terrible always happens to music.” -Steve Race

The human body can make a wide range of different vocal and percussive sounds. The vocalizations can include singing, chanting, humming, and yodeling. Percussives include clapping the hands, clicking the tongue, and snapping the fingers.

Daren: What does a musician use to clean his teeth?
Karen: A tootbrush and a tuba tootpaste.

Music is in all growing things;
And underneath the silky wings
Of smallest insects there is stirred
A pulse of air that must be heard;
Earth’s silence lives and throbs and sings.
-George Parsons Lathrop

Brasswind instruments are made of brass or other metals, and make sound when air blows through them. The musician’s lips buzz against the mouthpiece, as though making a raspberry noise. Air then vibrates inside the instrument to produce sound. The Brasswind Family includes bugles, cornets, French horns, sousaphones, trombones, trumpets, tubas, and other instruments. Some people shorten ‘Brasswind’ to simply ‘Brass.’

Buffy: How do you fix a broken tuba?
Dottie: With a tuba glue.

License plate seen on a professional bass clarinetist car: BSSCLRNT.

Percussion instruments make sound when they are struck, shaken, rubbed, scratched, or are otherwise subject to mechanical action. The Percussion Family includes bass drums, chimes, cowbells, cymbals, glockenspiels (bells), maracas, marimbas, snare drums, tam-tams (gongs), tambourines, timpani (kettle) drums, triangles, wood blocks, xylophones, and some other instruments. Grand pianos (uprights) can be included in this family, although they can also be included in the Strings and the Keyboards.

“If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.” -Author Unknown

String instruments create sound with strings. The strings may be plucked, as in a guitar or harp; bowed, as with a cello or a violin; or struck, as with a dulcimer. When the strings vibrate, they create sound. In addition to the instruments already mentioned, in the String Family are the banjos, basses, electric guitars, fiddles, ukuleles, violas, zithers, and other similar instruments.

“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” -Bill Nye (Edgar Wilson ‘Bill’ Nye (1850 - 1896), referring to Richard Wagner

“The dulcimer is the wild animal of the musical kingdom. It can be anything: bagpipe, guitar, fiddle, banjo, slide guitar, harpsichord, mandolin, but mostly itself, a droning, angelic power chord of delicacy that lives in its own world, in tune with its surroundings at a level that the well-tempered revolution could never quite tame.” -David Schnaufer (1952 - 2006) ( 2005)

“Music must take rank as the highest of the fine arts - as the one which, more than any other, ministers to human welfare.” -Herbert Spencer (1820 - 1903)

Woodwind instruments produce sound when air (wind) is blown inside. Air might be blown across an edge, as with a flute; between a reed and a surface, as with a clarinet; or between two reeds, as with a bassoon. Sound is made when air vibrates inside the instruments. Other instruments belonging to the Woodwind Family include alto clarinets, alto saxophones, baritone saxophones, bass clarinets, English horns, oboes, piccolos, recorders, soprano saxophones, and tenor saxophones.

“Music, the greatest good that mortals know, and all of Heaven we have below.” -Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)

The definition of a flute, according to David W. Barber in his book “A Musician’s Dictionary” is as follows: “A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred yards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be dismantled into three small pieces, for easy concealment.”

“Music is the eye of the ear.” -Thomas Draxe (year born unknown - 1618)

Keyboard instruments produce sound electronically, with the exception of upright pianos such as the Grand Piano, which can be included both in this group and in the Percussion Family, and organs, some of which could fit into the Brasswind or Woodwind instruments Families. Among the other members of the Keyboards are electronic keyboards and synthesizers. Electronic instruments can mimic the sounds of any musical instruments and can make their own unique sounds.

“Humming is mumbling musically.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

James: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Kirk: None - jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.

Among the fun and unusual musical instruments are didgeridoos, kazoos, pots and pans, slide whistles, washboards, wooden spoons, zinks (cornets), and zithers.

“Next to the Word of God, the noble art of music is the greatest treasure in the world.” -Martin Luther (1483 - 1546)

One of the greatest conductors of all time was Arturo Toscanini, whose skill was shown during a rehearsal of Claude Debussy’s “La Mer.” He wanted to achieve an especially spiritual effect in one passage. His vocabulary in English was not vast, and he was at a loss for words to describe exactly what he wanted the orchestra to do. He took a large white silk handkerchief from his coat pocket and threw it high into the air. Every player in the group was mesmerized as the handkerchief floated softly and hypnotically to the floor. “There,” Toscanini said, smiling, “play it like that!”

Life has its music; let us seek a way
Not to jangle the chords whereon we play.
-Archilochus of Paros

Musically yours . . . this is MFOL! . . . please be advised that some of the humor which follows may be a little ‘offbeat’ . . .

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Attire and Accessories

12/7/2019

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“The way we dress affects the way we think, the way we feel, the way we act, and the way others react to us.” -Judith Rasband

“Dress as if you have made something of yourself in the world, even if you have not.” -Author Unknown

“Never wear anything that panics the cat.” -P. J. O’Rourke (Patrick Jake O’Rourke (born 1947))

“Your shoes have to match your belt. That’s rule number one for guys. You can’t put the brown shoes with the black belt. Or a brown belt with a black wristwatch. Just don’t do it! Also, I don’t like boots with suits. And when you wear sneakers, make sure they go with your shirt.” -Ashton Kutcher (Christopher Ashton Kutcher (born 1978))

Riddle: What has two legs but cannot run?
Solution: A pair of trousers.

“Successful dress is really no more than achieving good taste and the look of the upper middle class.” -John T. Molloy (born 1937): “Dress for Success” (1975)

What do your clothes and other articles you wear or carry say about you? Do they accurately tell people who you really are? Are they giving people the wrong impression or the right impression, insofar as how you wish to be regarded?

One of the oldest pieces of women’s clothing discovered to date is a skirt similar to a Pacific-islander grass skirt, with bronze ornaments on the lower edge that would have jingled when its wearer walked or danced. Was it an article of clothing or a musical instrument?

“When in doubt, wear red.” -Bill Blass (William Ralph ‘Bill’ Blass (1922 - 2002))

“The well-dressed man never stands out in a crowd; his elegance sets him apart.” -Oscar de la Renta (pseudonym of Óscar Arístides Renta Fiallo (1932 - 2014))

Andy: Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
Barney: For holding up a pair of trousers.

“A well-dressed man is the best accessory a woman can have.” -Coco Chanel (1883 -1971)

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater . . . suggest that he wear a tail.” -Fran Lebowitz (Frances Ann ‘Fran’ Lebowitz (born 1950))

Jesse: Why are you wearing that fur coat?
Bessie: To stay warm, that’s what fur!

Animal hides and furs were one of the first types of clothing humans wore, and they continue to be worn even now for their warmth in areas that have extremely cold climates. However, in most places today, wearing fur is regarded as a luxury and has been made increasingly socially unacceptable through the efforts of animal rights activists.

“No one in the world needs a mink coat but a mink.” -Murray Banks (1917 - 2008)

“If you look good and dress well, you don’t need a purpose in life.” -Robert Pante

Until the mid-Middle Ages, clothes were usually fastened with ties (short lengths of rawhide or other material), beads-and-loops, or toggles. Lacing similar to the kind now used on shoes was still favored on clothes until the late 1600’s, as the best way to create a fit that could grow or shrink with one’s figure, during those times of alternating feast and famine. The first buttons as we recognize them appeared on clothes in the Middle Ages as a form of decoration. Zippers and Velcro would appear only much later in history.

“People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.” -Author Unknown

God Bless My Underwear

God bless my underwear
     My only pair
Stand beside us
     And guide us
Through the wash and
     The wear and the tear
Through the washer
     And the dryer
And the clothesline back to me
     God bless my underwear
My only pair.

by Author Unknown: sung to the same tune as “God Bless America”

The YKK seen on most zippers stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikkaisha, which roughly translates as the Yoshida Company Limited. Founded in 1934, YKK is the most widely-recognized zipper maker in the world.

Overheard: Amazing - you just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes!

Old Person of Brill

There was an old person of Brill,
Who purchased a shirt with a frill;
     But they said, “Don’t you wish,
     You mayn’t look like a fish,
You obsequious old person of Brill?”

by Edward Lear (1812 - 1888)

The clingy material Velcro was inspired by Burdock seeds, which have soft stickers that cling to clothing.

Not long ago, most people wore clothing made at home, usually of wool, linen, or less commonly, cotton. First, animal or plant fibers had to be spun into long pieces of thread, and then the thread had to be woven into cloth. The fabric was either left in its natural color or colored with dyes made from plants.

“The best-dressed woman is one whose clothes wouldn’t look too strange in the country.” -Hardy Amies (Edwin Hardy Amies (1909 - 2003))

“Dressing well is a form of politeness.” -Tom Ford

During the 1860’s, dresses were so wide that women often found themselves stuck while trying to get through doorways. But women alone cannot be blamed for this silliness, because historically and right up to the present time, both men and women have been fashion designers and dressmakers.

“Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.” -Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885))

“To me, clothing is a form of self-expression - there are hints about who you are in what you wear.” -Marc Jacobs (born 1963)

Nothing to Wear

Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls;
Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in;
Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in;
Dresses in which to do nothing at all;
Dresses for Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall.

by William Allen Butler (1825 -1902)

The invention of the automobile and the bicycle had a noticeable influence on women’s fashions. In the 1900’s, skirts became shorter to enable women to step into automobiles and climb onto bicycles more easily.

“There’s no such thing as a designer of menswear - it’s only history. The suit around the world is based on the English suit, which began in about 1670.” -Hardy Amies (Edwin Hardy Amies (1909 - 2003))

“Fashions fade, style is eternal.” -Yves Saint-Laurent (Yves Henri Donat Mathieu-Saint-Laurent (1936 - 2008))

By law, in Carmel, New York, United States of America, men are not allowed to go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

“When you can’t do something truly useful, you tend to vent the pent up energy in something useless but available, like snappy dressing.” -Lois McMaster Bujold (born 1949)

“My dad’s pants kept creeping up on him. By sixty-five, he was just a pair of pants and a head.” -Jeff Altman (born 1951)

Sharp Dresser

I once had a cousin named Bruce
Whose clothing was always quite spruce.
     To people who stared
     He frankly declared
“Without them, I’d be a recluse.”

by Author Unknown

Harry S Truman was a haberdasher before becoming an American President. In partnership with his old Army buddy Edward Jacobson, he owned the Truman & Jacobson haberdashery at 104 West 12th Street in Kansas City, Kansas, United States of America. The pair started selling suits and accessories for gentlemen on 28 November 1919, and continued in the business until the Great Depression of the 1930’s forced them out of business.

“I often take a brand-new suit or hat and throw it up against the wall a few times to get that stiff, square newness out of it.” -Fred Astaire (pseudonym of Frederick Austerlitz (1899 - 1987))

The wasting moth ne’er spoil’d my best array;
The cause was this: I wore it every day.
-Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744)

“Over the years I have learned that what is important in a dress is the woman who is wearing it.” -Yves Saint-Laurent (Yves Henri Donat Mathieu-Saint-Laurent (1936 - 2008))

Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

Women’s trousers, including pants and slacks and jeans, as worn now, were not regarded as acceptable for wearing in public until the Second World War. It was during the war that women began to do work that had formerly been done more commonly by men. Able-bodied men had been sent off to distant battlefields, and with a shortage of men to do work, manufacturers, businesses, farmers, and even the government began hiring women workers in their place. Before that time, women usually wore dresses or skirts with blouses, and worked in the home.

“Don’t get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.” -Kathryn Carpenter

An increased emphasis on youth culture began in America during the 1950’s. Clothing styles started to lean toward the younger folks. The poodle skirt, which is a circle skirt having an embroidered dog and leash on the front, became fashionable. Who says we can’t put bit of whimsy into our attire?

Jeans are trousers made from a heavy cotton fabric called denim. ‘Denim’ was originally called ‘serge de Nîmes,’ and came from the French seaside manufacturing town of Nîmes starting in the late 17th century. Over time, ‘de Nîmes’ was shortened to ‘denim.’ Jeans themselves were named after Genoan sailors from Genoa, Italy, who were locally known as ‘Genes,’ and who wore the material as clothing. Jeans were further developed as heavy-duty work trousers in the 1870’s by Levi Strauss, in California, United States of America. Levi’s jeans were originally dyed brown, but later were dyed the now-familiar blue color. Because all jeans are made from denim cloth, the term ‘denim jeans’ is redundant. One bale of cotton can be made into as many as 215 pairs of jeans.

“I have jeans with holes in them and I have nice jeans. I have casual and I have dressy jeans. I’ve got all kinds.” -Amanda Seyfried (Amanda Michelle Seyfried (born 1985))

Bell-bottom trousers were first worn by navy sailors, and were introduced to the fashion world by the hippies, with widespread popularity following soon thereafter. Also known as ‘flared’ pants, bell-bottoms are a garment associated with the societal trends of the 1960’s and 1970’s. They are a clothing article that many people still consider as an essential item in women’s wardrobes, and can even be paired with blouses that have flared sleeves and platform shoes to complete the hip flower-child look.

“Sweater: Garment worn by a child when his mother is feeling chilly.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))

“You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.” -Henrik Ibsen (Henrik Johan ‘Henrik’ Ibsen (1828 - 1906)): “An Enemy of the People” (1882), act 5

“Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.” -Janet Lane

“Semper ubi sub ubi.” [Latin]
“Always wear underwear.” [English translation]

Business people wear uniforms, though they may not think of what they wear as being such. They usually have greater leeway in choices of colors and patterns and styles and in choosing where to buy their clothes. Uniforms rules for business people are either stated openly in employee manuals and by workplace supervisors, or individual business people are expected to arrive at their own understanding of how to dress based on their own observations of other business people.

“With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being civilized.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))

Women’s clothes have buttons on the left side, while men’s clothes have buttons on the right side. When buttons were invented, they were expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because women were dressed by maids or servants, and because most people are right-handed, dressmakers placed the buttons where they would be easily reached. Men’s clothes had the button on the right, because they tended to dress themselves. Additionally, as men’s and women’s clothing became more similar and was mass produced and mass marketed, some type of way to easily tell men’s and women’s clothing apart was needed.

“It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive, it is mostly holes.” -Mary Wilson Little (possibly born about 1880)

Fond pride of dress is sure a very curse;
Ere fancy you consult, consult your purse.
-Author Unknown

Frank: Do you have holes in your clothes?
Ernest: No, of course not.
Frank: Then how do you get them on?

Evelyn: I think the clothes dryer must have shrunk my blouse. The collar is so tight that I can hardly breathe.
Daniel: Don’t be silly; you have put your head through the buttonhole.

“Dress like you are already the successful person you hope to become.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“I wear V-neck shirts. I can’t wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

“Labels on garments stating ‘One Size Fits All’ or even One Size Fits Most’ are a very un-funny joke that has been played on all of us for far too long - is there a lawyer somewhere out there who is willing to defend us against this kind of false advertising?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Euripides.
Euripides, who?
Euripides pants and you won’t get another pair!

“Know first who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.” -Euripides (480 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“Nothing else you can wear will ever make you feel as warm as a wedding band.” -Marilyn vos Savant (born 1946): “Ask Marilyn” (25 September 2005)

Marie de Medici, a member of that famous Italian family and a 17th-century queen of France, had expensive tastes in clothes. One of her dresses was outfitted with 39,000 tiny pearls and 3,000 diamonds, and cost the equivalent of $20 million at the time it was made, in 1606. She wore it just once.

“She wears her clothes as if they had been thrown on her with a pitchfork.” -Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745)

“You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” -Martin Charnin (born 1934)

“Dress for success. Image is very important. People judge you by the way you look on the outside.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

Question: What did the shoe say to the hat?
Answer: You go on ‘a-head,’ and I will follow you ‘on foot.’

“What belts do is finish a look. Whether you’re wearing pants, jeans, a dress or skirt, a belt gives the outfit a finishing touch. It’s polished.” -Julie Helman

“Good clothes open all doors.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)

You will always look simply smashing in properly chosen garments . . . much more to learn is coming up next . . . on MFOL!

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Accidents and Safety

12/4/2019

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Marvin: Safety first!
Vincent: Sounds good - then what comes after that?
Marvin: That’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked.
Vincent: So what’s the answer?
Marvin: The answer is . . . I don’t know!

“Be always sure you’re right - then go ahead.” -David Crockett (David ‘Davy’ Crockett (1786 - 1836)): “Autobiography” (1834)

In the United States of America, forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. Chained dogs are three times more likely to bite than unchained dogs. This is amusing only if you happen to be a dog.

Rubin: Who was responsible for the Green Car Crash in 1963?
Robin: “The Green Car Crash” is Andy Warhol’s most famous painting. It was sold at auction on 16 May 2007 for 71.7 million U.S. dollars (about 42.3 million British pounds). Andy Warhol caused the Green Car Crash to happen by applying paint to canvas.

About thirteen people meet their end every year from vending machines, usually from trying to tip or shake the machines, and the machines then falling over onto them.

“Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.” -Author Unknown

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l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
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In 2001, there were reportedly more than 300 banana-related accidents in Great Britain, most involving people slipping on banana peels.

There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
     More stars she espied
     As she lay on her side
Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.

A gentleman sprang to assist her;
He picked up her glove and her wrister;
     “Did you fall, Ma’am?” he cried;
     “Do you think,” she replied,
“I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?”

by Author Unknown: as published in Anonymous, editor: “The Smile on the Face of the Tiger: A Collection of Limericks” (1908)

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
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“Safety is no accident.” -Author Unknown

Sound Advice

When in danger,
    Or in doubt,
Run in circles,
    Scream, and shout!

by Author Unknown

Cows kill more people than sharks. About ten people meet their end by sharks every year but nearly one hundred people meet their end each year from being stepped on by cows.

“I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?” -Larry Reeb

More people meet their end from falling coconuts then from shark attacks.

A guy walked into work, and both of his ears were bandaged. The boss said, “What happened to your ears?” The guy said, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.” The boss said, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” He said, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

Forty-four percent of people have broken at least one of their bones at some time in their lives.

“Do not ride in cars: they are responsible for 20 percent of all fatal accidents. . . Do not stay at home: 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home . . . Do not walk on the streets or pavements: 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians . . . Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16 percent of all accidents happen on these . . . Only .001 percent of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders . . . Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at church!” -Mark Leslie

Approximately 40,000 people are bitten by cats in the United States of America annually. Kitty has claws - and teeth!

“Charlie Brown got hit with a line-drive!”
“Does anyone here know anything about first-aid?”
“It’s probably not serious . . . Second or third-aid will do.”
-Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1965 to 1966” (August 2007)

In 1099, Christian knights trained as laypersons in medical care organized the Order of Saint John, specifically to treat battlefield injuries. In 1878, the term ‘first-aid’ appeared, as a combination of the terms ‘first treatment’ and ‘National Aid.’ First-aid is the act of giving immediate attention to injured, sickened, or otherwise adversely affected persons.

A first-aid kit consists of items used to treat injured or ill people, and typically includes bandages, absorbent cotton, gauze, medical tape, antimicrobial substances, and aspirin. First aid kits, often with lists of contents and instruction booklets or foldouts for treating common ailments, are now found in vehicles, homes, businesses, jobsites, schools, and other places that people frequent.

“Remember, it is not first-aid kits or other equipment that saves lives, but people and their knowledge of how to use them that saves lives.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

First-aid training provides people with knowledge and mock practice in methods used to recognize, assess, and treat emergency medical and other conditions on the spot. The training typically covers how to respond to people who are choking or asphyxiating from blocked breathing passages, are found unconscious, have broken bones, bleeding wounds, seizures, or symptoms of shock or dehydration. Some advanced training courses include techniques used in treating severe allergic symptoms, childbirth, determining if a person can be transported for medical care, and responding to people who are acting erratically. Among the first steps in first-aid care is contacting first responders or emergency services providers such as police, fire, rescue, and ambulance, or sending any available person to seek such assistance, while another person remains at the location with the person who is need of care.

“After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.” -Author Unknown

“Protective measures will prevent costly disasters.” -Author Unknown

“How did the accident happen?” the doctor asked the patient. “The sign said ‘Stop, Look, Listen,’ and while I was doing that a train ran over me.”

“The pedestrian who always insists on getting his rights usually gets his rites.” -Author Unknown

Why is it called quicksand when it pulls you down in so slowly?

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink in quicksand. Now quick, where can we find some quicksand to try this out?

Tania: What do you get when a dinosaur smashes everything in its path?
Nadia: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Are some people ‘accident prone’? Possibly they are, or maybe they need to be made aware of safety measures and accident prevention. However, it is also worth looking into the conditions and surroundings in which people find themselves. Steps can be taken to make accidents less likely, such as keeping places clean of debris and making sure surfaces on which people walk are not slippery. Tools and machines should be put away and unplugged when not in use. All equipment should be maintained and kept in good working order. People who work with tools, equipment, supplies, vehicles, and so forth, should be trained on how to use them, how to maintain them, and what to do in the event of accidents, because truth be told, all humans and even our animal friends are to some extent ‘accident prone.’

“Accident: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))

“He’s so unlucky that he runs into accidents which started out to happen to somebody else.” -Don Marquis (Donald Robert Perry ‘Don’ Marquis (1878 - 1937))

Dystychiphobia is a persistent fear that accidents will occur or that oneself might be the cause of accidents. People with this phobia may fear harming themselves or others or property. Dystychiphobia could be one reason some people are afraid of flying in airplanes and driving automobiles. However, it should be noted that it doesn’t necessarily apply to skiing, because if you go skiing, no matter who you are, you are going to have an accident - we’re kidding - you should go skiing!

A little old lady who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse broke her leg. As the doctor put the cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. “Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes,” the doctor replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drain pipe.”

The largest number of fatal car accidents occur on Saturdays.

“Had this been an actual emergency, we already would have fled in terror - and you would not have been notified!” -Author Unknown

Things You Ought Not Do - For Safety Reasons!
- Stare at the Sun and go blind.
- Lick metal during the winter and get your tongue stuck frozen to it.
- Tug on Superman’s cape.
- Try to pet or touch a wild animal.
- Drive a vehicle across railroad tracks when the signal indicates a train is coming.

Gerald: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?
Gerard: It comes from the French word ‘m’aidez,’ meaning ‘help me,’ which is pronounced like ‘mayday.’

“Safety is something a lot of people learn by accident.” -Author Unknown

Each year, more people meet their demise from donkeys than from airplane crashes.

“Practical realist: Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.” -Author Unknown

“Accidents don’t just happen - they are caused!” -Author Unknown

This is MFOL! . . . as you head out into the world, always remember the motto, “Safety first” . . . then just do whatever comes next . . .

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Magic

12/4/2019

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“Magic is all around, you just have to believe.” -Author Unknown

“The art of a magician is to create wonder. If we all live with a sense of wonder, our lives will become filled with joy.” -The Great Doug Henning

In 1799, Count de Grisley became the first magician to perform the trick of sawing a woman in half, and ever since then, women everywhere have been eagerly lining up to be sawed in half - or perhaps not!

First Magician: What happened to the saw-a-woman-in-half act you used to do?
Second Magician: My assistant left me - she moved to New York and Los Angeles.

Magic Words
- Abracadabra!
- Hocus-pocus!
- Hot potato, jump-rope, kick-the-can!
- Parsley, peas, potatoes!
- Presto, change-o!
- Many magicians create their own magic phrases, and so can you.

Boris: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
Doris: He had just washed his hare and could not do anything with it.

The word ‘abracadra’ may have originated from the Aramaic phrase ‘avra kehdabra’ meaning ‘I will create as I speak.’

Howie: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Howard: That is one trick they do not know - and besides, that is why they have assistants!

A Magician from Vermont

A magician who came from Vermont
Sawed a woman in half for a stunt.
When she mildly asked whether
He would put her together,
He replied, “I’ve decided I won’t.”

by Author Unknown

“Magic is believing in yourself. If you can do that, you can make anything happen.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

One technique for creating funny magic words is to ask for audience participation. Would someone please name a color? Would someone please name an animal? Would someone please name a food? Then you combine their answers, which might make something silly, such as, “Purple elephant ice cream!” which you use as the ‘magic words’ during your show.

Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.

Examples of Magic Tricks
- Pulling a coin out from behind someone’s ear.
- Making a person or an object disappear and then reappear.
- Cutting something in half or destroying it and then making it reappear whole and undamaged, as for example, money or a handkerchief.
- Levitating (floating) someone or something.
- Can you think of other magic tricks?

A magician was driving down a road when, Poof! - he turned into a parking lot.

Just as there are silent movies with musical accompaniment, there are magicians who perform without speaking, sometimes with dramatic music played during their shows or even a person who stands offstage or a short distance from the magician’s side and narrates, or describes what is happening, during the show, by reading from a memorized or printed prepared script.

“Magic is a secret, and without the secret there is no magic.” -Author Unknown

“Magic exists. Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of the wind and the silence of the stars? Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic. It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live.” -Nora Roberts: “Charmed” (1993)

“I had loved magic tricks from the time I was six or seven. I bought books on magic. I did magic acts for my parents and their friends. I was aiming for show business from early days, and magic was the poor man’s way of getting in: you buy a trick for $2, and you’ve got an act.” -Steve Martin: “Time Magazine” (24 August 1987)

“Perform as many times as you can in front of people you don’t know.” -Lance Burton, advice to those who would be magicians

Camilla: You know, I have half a mind to become a professional magician.
Pamela: That should do.

One way to make yourself and your magic show memorable is to do something that is unusual, different, or unique. For example, maybe you could use fruit such as apples, oranges, and bananas in your act. Make a piece of fruit disappear and reappear, and then toss it to a member of the audience. Make a piece of fruit levitate, and then throw it to someone in your audience. You could have someone dressed in a gorilla costume as your assistant. Instead of pulling a live rabbit or a toy rabbit out of a hat, you could pull balloon animals out of your hat and then hand them to children in the audience. Put your imagination to work!

“We do not need magic to change the world. We carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.” -J. K. Rowling (born 1966): in a speech (2008) to Harvard Alumni Association

If you were going to pull a rabbit out of a hat, would you wave a magic wand . . . or would you entice the rabbit by waving a bright orange carrot?

“Spring animals are fake animals that are often used by magicians, clowns, comedians, and other entertainers. They can be made to appear very realistic with practice. The basic construction of the animal is of a spring wrapped in either real or artificial animal fur. Different colored fur is used for different spring animals.” -Greg McMahan

Whether you are an amateur or a professional magician, you must consider safety before doing any magic. You might develop a safety checklist to go over before each show. You would probably want to avoid using fire and flames and heat to avoid injuries to yourself, your assistant, any living creatures used in your act, and your audience members, and to avoid costly damage to your equipment or the building in which you are doing your show. If you use live animals, you will want to have the telephone number of more than one veterinarian in case an animal becomes sick or injured. You will likely want to either exercise caution or even completely avoid using anything with a sharp edge that could injure someone, including breakable glass and knives. Once you are certain everything is safe, get the show started and have fun!

A magician seeking to have his act booked at Radio City Music Hall asserted, “I’ve got a trick that will panic them.” “What is it?” asked the manager. “I saw a woman in half,” announced the magician proudly. “You call that a new trick?” scoffed the manager. “Why, they’ve been doing that around here for years.” “Oh, yeah,” snapped the magician. “How about lengthwise?”

Ask for a volunteer from the audience. Tell the person to take a coin from his or her pocket and hold it up in a closed fist so that you cannot see the date on the coin, and announce that you are going to tell everyone the date. Then, you say today’s date, which might be, for example, something like, “It’s Saturday, April 30, 2021,” even though the actual date on the coin might be something like just the year 1983. This is usually good for a laugh from the audience.

The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, “And what does your father do?” “Oh, he’s a magician,” replied Johnny. “Really - and what’s his best trick?” “His best trick is sawing people in half.” “Wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher. “Tell me, are there any more children in your family?” “Yes ma’am, I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.”

Magicians and their magic acts are the center of their shows; however, magicians may have assistants. A magician’s assistant often does not speak during the magic acts, but stands by quietly and helps with the props or becomes a prop in the act, as when he or she is made to disappear, is sawed in half, or is levitated. Sometimes magicians encourage audience participation by asking people to be part of a magic act or to provide simple props such as coins or bills. While these audience members may seem to be randomly chosen people who are like everyone else in the audience, they actually may be friends or people the magician met with before the show and practiced the act with to be sure everything goes as planned.

Marlene: Why did illusionist Harry Houdini spend hours at the gym?
Arlene: He wanted to be fit to be tied.

If you did the old magic trick of sawing a lady in half, and you put the top half together with another lady, what you’d have is a ‘gallon a half’ . . . quite possibly that joke needs a little more work . . .

Magicians We Have Yet to See
- Cheery Houdini . . . the happy, smiling clown-magician.
- Dairy Houdini . . . the magic moo-cow.
- Fairy Houdini . . . does sprightly winged magic.
- Hairy Houdini . . . the magic monkey with a human assistant.
- Harry Linguini . . . the pasta chef magician.
- Harry Whoodini . . . the magician who gives a hoot like an owl.
- Hippie Houdini . . . does groovy magic with peace and love, man.
- Santa Houdini . . . arrives in a magic flying sleigh and pulls Christmas toys from a magic sack.
- Scary Houdini . . . shows up at your door on Halloween and makes your candy magically disappear.

The most accomplished female magician in the world is Dorothy Dietrich. She performs regularly at the Houdini Museum in Scranton, Pennsylvania, United States of America. She is also a ‘debunker,’ or someone who exposes lies, deceptions, and false ideas.

Allison: What does a martial arts magician say?
Allie: Jitsu-judo-karate . . . chop!

“You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its glow I saw the past, the present, and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, lightning bugs, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in dewdrops. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it disciplined out, washed out, and combed out. We are told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up for goodness’ sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they had allowed to wither in themselves. After you go so far away from it, though, you can never really get it all back. You can get seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it is because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the harsh sunlight of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they are left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust twirling in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a coyote howling in the distance and wonder what it might be saying, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.” -Author Unknown

In addition to their costumes, magicians have ‘props’ that they use in their magic acts. Typical props might be a deck of playing cards, a small lightweight table with a tablecloth, several colored handkerchiefs, rabbits, birds, large coins, and specially made items for tricks.

“Cats are magical . . . the more you pet them, the longer you both live.” -Author Unknown (We suspect that some sneaky cat slipped that line in here, because it is not exactly relevant to this topic.)

Famous People Who Started Out As Magicians
- Bob Barker
- Milton Berle
- Bill Bixby
- Johnny Carson
- Dick Cavett
- Charles Dickens
- Cary Grant
- Steve Martin
- Jimmy Stewart
- Dick van Dyke
- How about you?

“A little magic can take you a long way.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “James and the Giant Peach” (1961)

A magician’s costume is commonly a top hat, a magic wand, and a set of clothes meant to help hold the audience’s attention through the use of eye-catching colors, quaint old-fashionedness, or an exotic appearance. A magician’s clothes may have many hidden pockets sewn into them. Some magicians also wear capes, false mustaches, false eyebrows, false beards, face paint, and other theatrical effects.

Martin: Have you heard about the magician who fell through the floorboards in the middle of his performance?
Marvin: Yes, but it is all right - he was just ‘going through a stage.’

“As a magician I promise never to reveal the secret of any illusion to a non-magician, unless that one swears to uphold the Magician’s Oath in turn. I promise never to perform any illusion for any non-magician without first practicing the effect until I can perform it well enough to maintain the illusion of magic.” -Author Unknown: Magician’s Oath

“That’s the thing with magic. You’ve got to know it’s still here, all around us, or it just stays invisible for you.” -Charles de Lint (born 1951)

People who learn to do magic in front of an audience also learn showmanship: timing, quick comebacks, appropriateness and inappropriateness of certain language, and the skill of continuing on even when things go wrong.

Whenever something goes wrong in your magic show, just tell your audience, “That is just how I planned it!” Then pause momentarily and continue on to your next trick.

Attempts have been made to link performance magic, or magic tricks, to occultism, but this is a misuse of magic by occultists to try to make their occult beliefs appealing to people, and thereby draw people into occultism. Performance magic stands on its own and is not to be confused with occultism.

Double or Nothing Magic Trick. Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer. Then ask them for a dollar bill. Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” -Bertrand A. Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))

“Shazam!” is a magic acronymic word created from Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Mercury, and it is said to invoke their powers. An acronym is a word created typically by combining the first letter in each word in a phrase or list.

“The world is its own magic.” -Shunryu Suzuki (1904 - 1971)

Some magic wands are hollow inside to conceal handkerchiefs, powders that produce puffs like smoke but without fire or flames, or shiny colorful glitter. Magic wands can be made from rolled-up sheets of paper or wood or plastic sticks. Magicians typically wave their magic wands or tap other props such as their magic hats atop their heads, while saying magic words such as, “Abrakadabra alakazam, let’s hope it goes as planned!”

“Everything is made out of magic: leaves and trees, flowers and birds, badgers and foxes, and squirrels and people. So it must be all around us. In this garden - in all the places.” -Frances Hodgson Burnett (1849 - 1924): “The Secret Garden” (1911)

What do magicians have in common with clowns, actors, musicians, and authors? Like the aforementioned folks, most professional, part-time, and amateur magicians have stage names, or names that they use in association with their magic acts, often in conjunction with somewhat exaggerated descriptive words about their acts and personas. Their stage names include words such ‘the Great’ or ‘the Amazing.’ So, if you are Jimmy O’Reilly in your private life, you might take up your hat, wand, and cape to become ‘Jacob the Fantastical Wizard of Illusion and Master of Magical Mayhem’ or if you are Sarah Sumner in your personal life, you might grab your rabbits, doves, baby chicks, and artificial flowers to become ‘the Astounding Animal Acts and Flying Floral Arrangements of Mrs. Priscilla Piccadilly’ (any resemblance to persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental). Even the magical Harry Houdini had a real name: Erich Weiss (born Erik Weisz and also known as Harry Weiss and possibly by other names (1874 - 1926)).

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “The Minpins” (1990)

This is MFOL! . . . all it takes is a little magic . . . and for our next act, we will be doing more silly fun stuff . . .

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Mistakes and Errors

12/3/2019

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“No one is perfect - that’s why pencils have erasers.” -Wolfgang Riebe: “100 Quotes to Make You Think” (28 February 2011)

Charles: How can one person makes so many mistakes in a single day?
Chuck: I get up early.

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You are doing things you have never done before, and more importantly, you are doing something. So that is my wish for you, and all of us. And my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody has ever made before. Do not freeze, do not stop, do not worry that it is not good enough, or it is not perfect, whatever it is. Art, or love, or work, or family, or life. Whatever it is you are scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes. Next year and forever and ever.” -Neil Gaiman (Neil Richard MacKinnon Gaiman (born 1960))

“Mistakes are proof that you are trying.” -Author Unknown

“People seldom make the same mistake twice - usually it is ten or more times that they do so!” -Author Unknown

We are human.
We are not perfect.
We are alive.
We try things.
We make mistakes.
We stumble. We fall.
We get hurt. We rise again.
We try again.
We keep learning.
We keep growing.
And we are thankful
for this priceless
opportunity called life.
-Author Unknown

“From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)

“Making mistakes does not make you unworthy of love - it makes you human.” -Author Unknown

A Mistake

A mistake that I made said, “My Dear,
I’m dreadfully sorry I’m here,
But my feet are so big,
And my nails cut and dig,
So I’ll be here for a while, I fear.”

by Author Unknown

“A mistake shows that someone tried to do something.” -Author Unknown

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I don’t regret any of them. Sometimes that’s the only way you learn.” -Nick Nolte (Nicholas King ‘Nick’ Nolte (born 1941))

“What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!” -Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937)

“We all make mistakes, but everyone makes different mistakes.” -Ludwig van Beethoven (1770 - 1827)

“Remember your past mistakes just long enough to profit by them.” -Clinton D. McKinnon (Clinton Dotson McKinnon (1906 - 2001))

“Even monkeys fall from trees.” [English translation]
“Saru mo ki kara ochiru.” [original Japanese in English characters]
猿も木から落ちる [original Japanese]
-Author Unknown: Japanese proverb

“My friend Danny Breslin from Florida tells the story of two men who were sitting on a bench in London’s Hyde Park. They wanted to go shopping in Oxford Street. One of them got up and started walking in the wrong direction, but he asked the way and a passerby put him right. He finally arrived at the shops but the other man just stayed on the bench. That guy who was walking in the wrong direction was on his way. Even his mistakes were part of getting there. The guy on the bench got nowhere. So if it feels right, give it a whirl, says Danny.” -Celia Haddon (born 1945)

“Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.” -Author Unknown

“We learn to walk by stumbling.” -Author Unknown: Bulgarian proverb

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” -Emily Kimbrough (1899 - 1989)

“Even if you stumble, you’re still moving forward.” -Author Unknown

“Today is a new day. You will get out of it just what you put into it. If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. And supposing you have tried and failed again and again, you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” -Mary Pickford (born Gladys Louise Smith, also known as Gladys Marie Pickford (1893 - 1979))

“The wisest of the wise may err.” -Aeschylus (525 B.C.E. - 456 B.C.E.)

“My life is full of mistakes. They’re like pebbles that make a good road.” -Beatrice Wood (1893 - 1998)

“In school we learn that mistakes are bad, and we are punished for making them. Yet if you look at the way humans are designed to learn, we learn by making mistakes. We learn to walk by falling down. If we never fell down, we would never walk.” -Robert T. Kiyosaki (Robert Toru Kiyosaki (born 1947))

“A mistake is a lesson on its way to being learned.” -Robert Orben (born 1927)

“Mistakes are just steps, sometimes necessary, in the learning process.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” -Hugh L. White: as quoted in Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894), editor: “The New Dictionary of Thoughts” (1927)

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard” (1927)

“One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.” -Author Unknown

You may have noticed a large number of mistakes and errors on the Make Fun Of Life! Website. We have made them deliberately, for the benefit of the people who enjoy pointing out mistakes . . . because we want everyone to be happy!

“You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)

“If you’re not making mistakes then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.” -John Wooden (John Robert Wooden (1910 - 2010))

“Don’t carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.” -Author Unknown

“Only some of us learn by other people’s mistakes; the rest of us have to be the other people.” -Author Unknown

“To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.” -Peter McWilliams (Peter Alexander McWilliams (1949 - 2000))

“Whenever you make a mistake or get knocked down by life, don’t look back at it too long. Mistakes are life’s way of teaching you.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))

“One mistake does not have to rule a person’s entire life.” -Joyce Meyer (born 1943 as Pauline Joyce Hutchison): “Any Minute” (30 June 2009)

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” -James Joyce (1882 - 1941)

“Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.” -Georgette Mosbacher (born 1947)

“Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.” -Phyllis Theroux (Phyllis Grissim-Theroux (born 1939))

“We’ve all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it’s more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“Making mistakes does not mean you’re a failure. It just means you’re trying and learning in life.” -Author Unknown

“If you must make a mistake, make a new one each time.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Harbison Carnegie (born Dale Breckenridge Carnegey (1888 - 1955)))

“You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one.” -Author Unknown

“Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.” -Sophia Loren (pseudonym of Sophia Sciccoloni (born 1934))

“Show us a man who never makes a mistake and we will show a man who never makes anything. The capacity for occasional blundering is inseparable from the capacity to bring things to pass.” -Herman Lincoln Wayland (1830 - 1898)

“We don’t make mistakes. We just have learnings.” -Anne Wilson Schaef (born 1934)

“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb

“Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.” -Nikki Giovanni (Yolande Cornelia ‘Nikki’ Giovanni, Junior (born 1943))

“I would rather surround myself with people who make a lot of mistakes and have no problem admitting them, than to surround myself with people who think they make none.” -Author Unknown

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Harbison Carnegie (born Dale Breckenridge Carnegey (1888 - 1955)))

“I’ve failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan (born 1963)

“The main thing we learn from our mistakes . . . is that we make a lot of them.” -Author Unknown

“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.” -Henry C. Link (Henry Charles Link (1889 - 1952))

“There is hardly a mistake which in the course of our lives we have committed, but some proverb, had we known and attended to its lesson, might have saved us from it.” -Richard Chenevix Trench (1807 - 1886): “Proverbs and Their Lessons” (1905)

“No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Despite our failings, we still deserve respect. Don’t let anyone put you down.” -Author Unknown

Karen: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Sharon: Boo-oo-oo-boos!

“Some people never make a mistake, nor do they ever make anything else.” -Author Unknown

“Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.” -Bob Ross (Robert Norman ‘Bob’ Ross (1942 - 1995))

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” -John Powell (1882 - 1963)

Overheard: I am human and I make mistakes.

“The secret of success is not avoiding mistakes, but learning from them.” -Michael Josephson (born 1942)

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” -Paulo Coelho (born 1947)

“It would be a mistake to not try something for fear of making a mistake.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“No man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes.” -William Gladstone (William Ewart Gladstone (1809 - 1898))

“It is normal to make mistakes. If people cannot accept that, they do not deserve to be around you.” -Author Unknown

“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.” -Will Durant (William James ‘Will’ Durant (1885 - 1981))

Overheard: Have you ever noticed that no one notices you until you make a mistake?

“When you are not afraid to do it wrong the first time, you will eventually get it right.” -Author Unknown

“Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster.” -Weston H. Agor (Weston Harris Agor (1939 - 2007))

“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes that I am thinking about making a few more.” -Author Unknown

Overheard: We all make mistakes. Don’t let that be a reason to give up.

“He who makes no mistakes makes no progress.” -Teddy Roosevelt (Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919))

“A mistake is simply another way of doing things.” -Katharine Graham (Katharine Meyer Graham (1917 - 2001))

“You can learn from your mistakes, so be sure to make some.” -Bil Keane (William Aloysius ‘Bil’ Keane (1922 - 2011))

“By seeking and blundering, we learn.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

“Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” -Author Unknown

“It took me a long time to learn that mistakes aren’t good or bad, they’re just mistakes, and you clean them up and go on.” -Kaye Gibbons (born 1960)

“Mistakes show us what we need to learn.” -Peter McWilliams (Peter Alexander McWilliams (1949 - 2000))

“Whenever you fall, pick up something.” -Oswald Avery (Oswald Theodore Avery, Junior (1877 - 1955))

“By ignorance we make mistakes, and by making mistakes we learn.” -Edmund Fuller

“All great discoveries are made by mistake.” -Author Unknown

“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott (born 1939)

“Without mistakes, there would be no accidental discoveries, and without accidental discoveries, there would be far fewer better methods found, far fewer inventions made, and much less beneficial progress. The great untold secret of everything in which humans engage is that much of it would never result in useful outcomes were it not for the vast number of mistakes within it, mistakes that go by the name ‘accidental discoveries.’” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Life is not life unless you make mistakes.” -Joan Collins (born 1933)

“If you’re making mistakes it means you’re out there doing something.” -Neil Gaiman (Neil Richard MacKinnon Gaiman (born 1960))

“It seems that the necessary thing to do is not to fear mistakes, to plunge in, to do the best that one can, hoping to learn enough from blunders to correct them eventually.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970))

Well, that about wraps things up for now . . . we are eager to get back to making a whole lot more mistakes . . . because that is how we are certain to learn . . . and to succeed . . . let’s all go out and make some mistakes . . . and continue to Make Fun Of Life!

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Manners and Etiquette

11/28/2019

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When people speak of ‘quaint old-fashioned manners,’ they seem as if by magic to reappear . . .

Magic Words

There are three little magic words
     That will open any door with ease.
Two little words are “Thank you!”
     And the other little word is “Please!”

by Author Unknown

Elvis: May I have an apple?
Sylvia: What is the magic word?
Elvis: Abracadabra?

Overheard: Try being nice to people, even if it does scare them a little bit at first.

Too Polite

Broad met Stout
At the gate, and each
Was too polite to brush past.
“After you!” said Broad.
“After you!” said Stout.
They got in a dither
And went through together
And both
stuck
fast.

by Ian Serraillier (1912 - 1994)

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” -Fred Astaire (pseudonym of Frederick Austerlitz (1899 - 1987))

Lawrence: What do well-behaved young lambs say to their mothers?
Florence: “Thank ewe!”

“Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back.” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)

Al: When you yawn, you are supposed to put your hand over your mouth!
Lex: What, and get bitten?!

“Good manners and soft words have brought many a difficult thing to pass.” -John Vanbrugh (1664 - 1726)

Etiquette is the glue that holds society together. It enables people to get on with other human beings without causing offense. It is manners, codified, or formalized. By learning a number of the various rules of etiquette, a person will eventually begin to understand the basic concept and perhaps perceive the overall underlying common thread that makes up the pattern, sometimes called ‘the Golden Rule.’

Netiquette: Manners on the internet, such as not using all-caps, or all-capital letters, which is referred to as, ‘SHOUTING!’

When it comes to jokes and funny stories, before you growl, “I’ve heard that one before,” consider this: Do you stop a pianist who is playing Chopin because you have heard that musical piece before?

Three Nice Mice

Three nice mice!
     Three nice mice!
See how nice they are!
     See how nice they are!
They’re always polite when they nibble their cheese;
     They never forget to say thank you and please;
They cover their noses whenever they sneeze -
     Ahhh ahhh ahhh-choo! (pretend sneeze)
Three nice mice!
     Three nice mice!

by Author Unknown: can be sung to the same melody as that of “Three Blind Mice”

Etiquette and manners vary greatly geographically, culturally, religiously, and by economic classes all around the world. There are even variations by generation or age, gender, trade or profession, subculture, other group identity, and other factors. ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’ is an old proverb that means one should respect and follow local laws, customs, and manners.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Elbows.
Elbows, who?
Elbows off the table, please!

“Good manners will often take people where neither money nor education will take them.” -Author Unknown

“Manners make man.” [Modern English translation]
“Manners makyth man.” [original Middle English]
-William of Wykeham (1320 - 1404); adopted as the motto of Winchester College and New College in Oxford, England

Overheard: Politeness is an inexpensive way of making friends.

Overheard: Be polite to the aged, because you will be one of them soon enough yourself - if you are fortunate.

“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace.” -Miss Manners (Judith Martin (born 1938))

“I don’t recall your name, but your manners are familiar.” -Oliver Herford (1863 - 1935)

“He was so generally civil, that nobody thanked him for it.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“Hail the small sweet courtesies of life, for smooth do they make the road of it.” -Laurence Sterne (1713 - 1768)

“Manners are of more importance than laws. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)

Mabel: What person do you always take your hat off to?
Abel: The barber.

“Something happens inside of us when we are courteous and deferential toward others. It is all part of a refining process, which if persisted in, will change our very natures.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008))

“Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who gives and him who receives, and thus, like mercy, is twice blessed.” -Erastus Wiman (1834 - 1904): “Chances of Success” (1893)

“Those that are good manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country, as the behavior of the country is most mockable at the court.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

“Good manners: The noise you don’t make when you’re eating soup.” -Bennett Cerf (1898 - 1971)

“We must recall the most humanitarian guideline of all: be polite. Being polite is possibly the greatest daily contribution everyone can make to life on Earth.” -Caitlin Moran: “How to be a Woman” (16 June 2011)

Jimmy: Don’t you want to be well-mannered and polite?
Jenny: No, thank you!

“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.” -Author Unknown

Do you recall those quaint old customs and manners of yesteryear? Tip your hats to the ladies, gentlemen. Girls curtsy, and boys bow. A gentleman always has a handkerchief to offer to a lady. A lady drops her handkerchief so that a gentleman can pick it up and hand it to her, a ruse used by the lady to get the gentleman to say a word to her. Gentlemen had calling cards, which they would leave so that people could contact them later. People smiled at strangers as they passed, and often greeted them, as for example, saying, “How do you do?” Well, don’t be sad at their passing - times haven’t changed so much - what’s old can be new again; all it takes is for you to demonstrate the newer versions of these acts yourself when opportunities avail themselves to you, and continue doing them until others begin to emulate you.

“Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.” -Bill Kelly

“One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.” -Josh Billings (pseudonym of Henry Wheeler Shaw (1818 - 1885))

“Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” -Clarence Thomas (born 1948)

“Should you happen to notice that another person is extremely tall or overweight, eats too much or declines convivial drinks, has red hair, or goes about in a wheelchair, ought to get married or ought not to be pregnant - see if you can refrain from bringing these astonishing observations to that person’s attention.” -Miss Manners (Judith Martin (born 1938)), as quoted in William Safire and Leonard Safir: “Words of Wisdom: More Good Advice” (1989)

“Dressing well is a form of good manners.” -Tom Ford

“Your mood should not dictate your manners.” -Author Unknown

“Associate with well-manner persons and your manners will improve. Run around with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.” -Stanley Walker (1898 - 1962)

“Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts.” -Madame de Staël (Anna Maria Louis Germaine Necker (1766 - 1817)): as quoted in Abel Stevens (1815 - 1897): “Madame de Staël” (1881)

“Politeness a sign of dignity, not subservience.” -Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919)

“A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one; no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“A Man without Ceremony has need of great Merit in its Place.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 315

“Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals.” -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)

“I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. I don’t like them myself. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them on long Winter evenings.” -Humphrey Bogart (Humphrey DeForest ‘Bogey’ Bogart (1899 - 1957))

“Politeness makes one appear outwardly as they should be within.” -Jean de la Bruyère (1645 - 1696)

“Visitors should behave in such a way that the host and hostess feel at home.” -J. S. Farynski (Jerzy Stanislaw Farynski)

“He is the very pineapple of politeness!” -Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751 - 1816)

“The knowledge of courtesy and good manners is a very necessary study. It is like grace and beauty, that which begets liking and an inclination to love one another at the first sight.” -Michel de Montaigne (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)): “Essais” (“Essays”) (1595), Book 1, chapter 7

“Politeness costs nothing and gains everything.” -Mary Montagu (Mary Wortley Montagu (1689 - 1762)): letter (30 May 1756) to Mary, Countess of Bute

“Every generation is convinced there has been a deplorable breakdown of manners.” -Byron Dobell (1927 - 2017)

“Politeness is the flower of humanity.” -Joseph Joubert (1754 - 1824)

“Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people’s bad manners.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (Harriett Jackson Brown (born 1940))

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” -Emily Post (1873 - 1960): as attributed in Matthew Gara: “Hey! Let’s Talk It Over” (1967)

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983): “The Passionate State of Mind” (1955)

“All Doors open to Courtesy.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 512

“To be a successful hostess, when guests arrive say, ‘At last!’ and when they leave say, ‘So soon!’” -Author Unknown

“Being nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them.” -Author Unknown

“We cannot always oblige; but we can always speak obligingly.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

“Courtesy that is all on one side cannot last long.” -Author Unknown

“Good manners must be inspired by the good heart. There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

“Anyone can be polite to a king. It takes a gentleman to be polite to a beggar.” -Author Unknown

“Etiquette is all human social behavior. If you’re a hermit on a mountain, you don’t have to worry about etiquette; if somebody comes up the mountain, then you’ve got a problem. It matters because we want to live in reasonably harmonious communities.” -Miss Manners (Judith Martin (born 1938))

“The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones.” -Gabirol (Solomon Ibn Gabirol (about 1022 - 1058))

“We’ve learned to dress for success, to speak for success. Now we need to learn how to behave for success.” -Marjabelle Young Stewart (1924 - 2007)

“Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

“To sleep when others speak, to sit when others stand, to walk on when others stay, to speak when one should hold his peace, or hear others, are all things of ill manners.” -Francis Hawkins (1628 - 1624)

Manners

We say, “Thank you.”
     We say, “Please.”
We don’t interrupt or tease.
     We don’t argue. We don’t fuss.
We listen when folks talk to us.
     We share our toys and take our turn.
Good manners aren’t too hard to learn.
     It’s really easy, when you find
Good manners means
     Just being kind!

by Author Unknown

“Politeness is to do and say the nicest thing in the nicest way.” -Author Unknown

Goodness, how well-mannered you are! You must have had a very good upbringing, or you have taught yourself very well. Perhaps you can teach us a few of your ways of politeness . . . and be sure to come by for a visit from time to time . . . on your way to greatness . . . this is MFOL!

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Umbrellas and Parasols

11/25/2019

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Dale: What goes up when the rain comes down?
Gail: An umbrella!

Mark Twain once told a story of trying to get rid of a wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in a trash can, but someone recognized it as his, and returned it. Then he dropped it down a deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella, and returned it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back. “Finally,” said Mr. Twain, “I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it again.”

Shane: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Shannon: Because it wasn’t raining.

“A rainy day is the only chance an umbrella gets to shine.” -Author Unknown

Judy: Why do people carry umbrellas?
Jude: Because umbrellas can’t walk by themselves.

Umbrellas were originally used to shade people from the sun, like modern parasols, and not to protect people from the rain as they are today. In ancient Greece, umbrellas became a fashion accessory used by men though not women, probably because men tended to be out in the rain more.

It’s raining . . . umbrellas . . .

Bella Had a New Umbrella

Bella had a new umbrella
     Didn’t want to lose it,
So when she walked out in the rain
     She didn’t ever use it.
Her nose went sniff,
     Her shoes went squish,
Her socks grew soggy,
     Her glasses got foggy,
Her pockets filled with water,
     And a little green froggy.
All she could speak
     Was a weak ‘kachoo!’
But Bella’s umbrella
     Stayed nice and new.

by Eve Merriam

“Have you ever noticed how some people are not good at saving money, yet they somehow always manage to save an umbrella for a rainy day?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Keith: Why would anyone need a chicken-proof umbrella?
Kevin: To use in case of fowl weather.

The average life span of cheap umbrellas is one-and-a-half years.

Marla: So what kind of umbrellas do people carry on rainy days?
Marlo: Wet ones.

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l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
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Spin and Twirl

Spin, spin the parasol
     Spin it, and it flies away -
When it stops,
     It’s somehow on the ground.

Twirl, twirl the umbrella,
     Water droplets fly everywhere.
Twirl it, twirl it,
     And then twirl it once more!

Parasol or umbrella,
     Twirl or spin,
Collapse them and stow them away,
     To twirl or spin on yet another day.

by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

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l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
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“Spin the parasol three times and repeat after me: I shield in the name of fashion. I accessorize for one and all. Pursuit of truth is my passion. This I vow by the great parasol.” -Gail Carriger

Why are many umbrellas black? When umbrellas first came into popular use in the 18th century, they were made of oil-soaked cotton cloth stretched over whalebone. Oil was applied to the cotton fabric to make it waterproof. It also gave the cloth a black coloration. While this type of umbrella was waterproof, it was not very durable. Soon, better umbrellas were made, and since the color black was associated with effective waterproofing, most of the newer models were dyed black. However, for safety purposes, brightly colored umbrellas, being more visible to motorists, may possibly decrease the likelihood of collisions with pedestrians. Clear umbrellas are also a good choice as they give their holders the ability to see through them.

Your own personal portable cloud-on-a-stick parasol is a great accessory for carrying around on sunny days, and will help keep the sun off your head. This one is made from fluffy cotton and a broken umbrella.

Norman: Did you hear about the responsible umbrella manufacturer?
Norma: Yes, they say he is saving his money for a sunny day.

Umbrellas are among the things of which you should always have at least two, in case you lose an umbrella or need to loan one to a friend. The two best times to buy an umbrella are before you need one and when it is not raining. When it starts raining, umbrellas sell quickly, even at inflated prices, and you might not be able to find one to buy.

“I walked around for a few hours. Around one-thirty it started raining lightly. Almost immediately the umbrella sellers turned up on the street corners. You’d have thought they had existed previously in spore form, springing miraculously to life when a drop of water touched them.” -Lawrence Block (born 1938): “Out on the Cutting Edge” (1989)

A friend is someone who has an umbrella when it is raining . . .

Marshall: What is big and gray and protects people from the rain?
Marsha: An umbrellaphant!

“Going around under an umbrella interferes with one’s looking up at the sky.” -Jerzy Kosinski

Umbrella Etiquette
- Let others stand under your umbrella with you, including people and animals, if your umbrella is large enough, and if the others are not too peculiar.
- Shake the water off your umbrella before entering a building or vehicle, and then either place it inside a plastic bag, in an umbrella stand, or in another place where the water that runs off it will not create a dangerous slippery-slidey floor.

Otis: Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
Doris: Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

“All men are equal - all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.” -E. M. Forster (Edward Morgan Forster): “Howards End” (1910)

Umbrellas and Parasols Facts
- Umbrellas help keep the rain off people.
- Umbrellas are made of waterproof material.
- Parasols help keep the sunlight off people.
- Parasols are frequently not made of waterproof material.

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella.
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.
-Charles Bowen (Charles Synge Christopher Bowen (1835 - 1894)): as published in Walter Sichel: “Sands of Time” (1923)

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l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
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The Gingham Umbrella

Alphonso, Alphonso, Alphonso and Arabella
     They happened to meet
A man in the street,
     Who carried a gingham umbrella.

Alphonso possessed neither manners nor grace,
     He made at this person a hideous face;
But how different the conduct of sweet Arabella,
     Who praised with politeness the gingham umbrella.

The man was a nobleman, deeply disguised;
     The compliment courteous he pointedly prized;
‘Sweet creature,’ he said, ‘come away from this feller,
     And take both my heart and my gingham umbrella!’

The very next morning they met in the church,
     And foolish Alphonso was left in the lurch;
And they said, ‘In the future you’ll know how to tell a
     Great lord from a loon, by his gingham umbrella!’

by Laura Richards (Laura Elizabeth Richards (1850 - 1943))

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l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
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“It is the habitual carriage of the umbrella that is the stamp of Respectability. The umbrella has become the acknowledged index of social position . . . Crusoe was rather a moralist than a pietist, and his leaf-umbrella is as fine an example of the civilized mind striving to express itself under adverse circumstances as we have ever met with.” -Robert L. Stevenson (Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson (1850 - 1894)) and J. W. Ferrier: “Philosophy of Umbrellas” (1871)

Marissa: What goes up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up?
Clarissa: An umbrella!

We know you can’t wait for it to rain, so that you can try out your new umbrella, with that great new umbrella smell! More fun follows . . . on MFOL!

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Idleness and Industriousness

11/19/2019

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Up, you sluggard, and get to work . . . or at least do some meaningful activity!

“I was made to work; if you are equally industrious, you will be equally successful.” -Johann Sebastian Bach (1685 - 1750)

“When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle, or children playing in the park?” -Ralph Marston (Ralph S. Marston, Junior (born 1955))

“Being forced to work and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content, and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know.” -Charles Kingsley (1819 - 1875)

“Doing nothing is very hard to do - you never know when you’re finished.” -Leslie Nielsen

“A human being must have occupation, if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world.” -Dorothy L. Sayers (Dorothy Leigh Sayers (1893 - 1957))

“Idleness is sweet, and its consequences are cruel.” -John Quincy Adams (1767 - 1848)

“The end of labor is to gain leisure.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” -Sarah Brown

“A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

Every Day Will be Sunday

A young fellow who did not much enjoy working did some work, figuring out that eventually every day will be Sunday. Every year has 365 days. If you sleep eight hours a day, it equals 122 days. This leaves 243 days. If you rest eight hours a day it equals another 122 days. This leaves 121 days. There are 52 Sundays, thus leaving 69 days. If you have a half-day on Saturday, this equals 26 days, and leaves 43 days. If you have 1 and 1/2 hours for lunch every workday, this equals 28 days, leaving 15 days. Two weeks’ vacation equals 14 days. This leaves only one day. And on Labor Day, nobody works.

by Author Unknown

“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.” -Jimmy Lyons

“Men who have attained things worth having in this world have worked while others idled, have persevered when others gave up in despair, have practiced early in life the valuable habits of self-denial, industry, and singleness of purpose. As a result, they enjoy in later life the success so often erroneously attributed to good luck.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953): as quoted in “The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life” (1950)

“People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do.” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)

“There is no excellence without labor.” -Author Unknown

“A young boy shouldn’t be given up for hopeless just because he’s lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don’t be discouraged by those things - maybe he’s just trying to be like his daddy.” -Gracie Allen (Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie ‘Gracie’ Allen (1895 or 1902 - 1964))

“Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

“Too much idleness, I have observed, fills up a man’s time much more completely, and leaves him less his own master, than any sort of employment whatsoever.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)

“You get out of anything in proportion to what you put into it.” -Author Unknown

“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow!” -Don Herold (1889 - 1966)

“Laziness and Poverty are cousins.” -Author Unknown

“The forty hour week has no charm for me. I’m looking for the forty hour day!” -Nicholas M. Butler (Nicholas Murray Butler (1862 - 1947))

“Shun idleness. It is the rust that attaches itself to the most brilliant metals.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“Don’t just sit there like a bump on a log!” -Author Unknown

“Laziness grows on people; it begins in cobwebs, and ends in iron chains. The more business a man has, the more he is able to accomplish; for he learns to economize his time.” -Matthew Hale (1609 - 1676): as quoted in Tryon Edwards “A Dictionary of Thoughts” (1908), page 242

Overheard: I am allergic to lazy people.

“Laziness is contagious just like hard work is. I didn’t give myself an opportunity to be lazy and I didn’t surround myself with people who are lazy.” -Michael Chandler

In Works of Labor or of Skill I would be busy too:
For Satan finds some mischief still for idle Hands to do.
-Isaac Watts (1674 - 1748): “Divine Songs for Children” (1715)

“He did nothing in particular, and he did it very well.” -W. S. Gilbert (William Schwenk Gilbert (1836 - 1911))

“Doing nothing results in having nothing.” -Daniel Burke

Dede: What kind of shoes do lazy people wear?
Bebe: Loafers.

“It’s not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. We need hours of aimless wandering or spates of time sitting on park benches, observing the mysterious world of ants and the canopy of treetops.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))

“We will be friends forever because I am too lazy to find new ones.” -Author Unknown

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the blue sky, is by no means waste of time.” -Lord Avebury (John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)): “The Use of Life” (1894), chapter IV: ‘Recreation’

“The only problem with having nothing to do is you can’t stop and rest.” -Franklin P. Jones (Franklin Pierce Jones (1908 - 1980))

“Human beings find less rest in idleness than in a change of occupation. If you scoff at the idea, just try it. Instead of collapsing in an easy chair, try tackling your hobby. Or write that neglected letter, or help Johnny to build that radio receiver set. Activity - especially creative activity - is far better recreation than loafing.” -Gardner Hunting (Henry Gardner Hunting (1872 - 1958)): as quoted in “Weekly Unity” magazine

“Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.” -Anne Frank (1929 - 1945): “The Diary of a Young Girl”

If little labor, little are our gains;
Man’s fortunes are according to his pains.
-Robert Herrick (1591 - 1674)

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” -attributed to Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

How can we help sluggards become better people? We can urge them on to becoming workers by letting them experience the consequences of their idleness. According to holy scripture, “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘2nd Thessalonians,’ chapter 3, verses 10 through 12

“In idleness there is perpetual despair.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” -Jules Renard (Pierre-Jules Renard (1864 - 1910))

“The idler does not waste time; he merely wastes himself.” -Author Unknown

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” -Marthe Troly-Curtin: “Phrynette Married” (1912), page 256

“Lazy people tend not to take chances, but express themselves by tearing down other’s work.” -Ann Rule

Overheard: I am going to do nothing all day today, starting just as soon as I am finished doing the nothing I did all day yesterday . . .

“One monster there is in the world, the idle man.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

Rules for Lazy People

1. If you cannot reach it easily, you do not need it.
2. Get it done - but just not today.
3. It is always somebody else’s job.

by Author Unknown

“Make rest a necessity, not an objective. Only rest long enough to gather strength.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

Lazy people work harder . . . at being lazy, that is!

“Men are generally idle, and ready to satisfy themselves, and intimidate the industry of others, by calling that impossible which is only difficult.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“I don’t mind coming to work, but the eight hours of waiting to go home again is really just too much.” -Author Unknown

“Laziness never arrived at the attainment of a good wish.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))

“There is no such thing as a lazy person; he is either sick or uninspired.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

What might someone be other than lazy? Tired, fearful, sad, overwhelmed, in physical pain, in emotional pain, shy . . . Can you think of anything else?

“He who would do some great thing in this short life, must apply himself to the work with such a concentration of his forces as to the idle spectators, who live entirely to amuse themselves, looks like insanity.” -John Foster: as quoted in C. N. Douglas (Charles Noel Douglas (1863 - 1920)), compiler: “Forty Thousand Quotations: Prose and Poetical” (1917)

“Lazy people are always anxious to be doing something.” -Luc de Clapiers (1715 - 1747)

“A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 20, verse 4

“Lazy people are good for just one thing, and that is, making mediocre people look like they have accomplished something in life.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“The dog that trots about finds a bone.” -Author Unknown

Overheard: My dog is so lazy that he hires other dogs to chase cats for him.

Dwight: Why did the lazy woman have a great big dog?
Edwin: So she would not have to bend down far to pet it.

“If idleness does not produce vice or malevolence, it commonly produces melancholy.” -Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845): attributed in “The Review of Education” (May 1902)

“Laziness is a luxury that few people can afford.” -Igor Stravinsky (1882 - 1971)

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.” -Author Unknown

“Be sure to keep busy, so the devil may always find you occupied.” -Vegetius (Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus)

“Laziness travels so slowly, that Poverty soon overtakes him.” -Benjamin Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))

“Merit and fame never crown the lazy.” -Author Unknown

“It is necessary to work, if not from inclination, at least from despair. Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself.” -Charles Baudelaire (1821 - 1867)

“If you want work well done, select a busy man - the other kind has no time.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): as quoted in Elbert Hubbard II, compiler: “The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard” (1927)

“Laziness is the seed of all evil.” -Author Unknown: Welsh saying

“He who labors diligently need never despair; for all things are accomplished by diligence and labor.” -Menander of Athens (342 B.C.E. - 291 B.C.E.)

“The hardest work in life is resisting laziness.” -Author Unknown

“Work is no disgrace: it is idleness which is a disgrace.” -Hesiod (800 B.C.E. - 720 B.C.E.)

“My son has taken up meditation - at least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.” -Max Kauffmann

“A man is a worker. If he is not that he is nothing.” -Joseph Conrad (Teodor Józef Konrad Nalecz-Korzeniowski (1857 - 1924))

“Idleness is the root of mischief.” -Author Unknown

“Tomorrow is always the sluggard’s working day; today is his holiday.” -Richard Baxter

“I am always busy, which is perhaps the chief reason why I am always well.” -Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815 - 1902)

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” -Sam Ewing (1920 - 2001)

“A man who does nothing never has time to do anything.” -C. H. Spurgeon (Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834 - 1892))

“It is one of the strange ironies of this strange life that those who work the hardest, who subject themselves to the strictest discipline, who give up certain pleasurable things in order to achieve a goal, are the happiest men.” -Brutus Hamilton

“Inactivity is the beginning of all vice.” -C. F. W. Walther (Carl Ferdinand Wilhelm Walther (1811 - 1887)): letter (14 January 1873)

“Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing something to be happy. Action is no less necessary than thought to the instinctive tendencies of the human frame.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)

Smiling uses fewer facial muscles and takes less effort than frowning does, making it a great way for even lazy people to contribute something useful to the world . . . the results of more hard work follows . . . on MFOL!

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Telephones

11/18/2019

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Cell phones are turning people everywhere into downward-facing zombies . . .

A man called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered the telephone said, “Bob will be on vacation for the next two weeks. Would you like to hold?”

Patrick: Why did old Mrs. Crow have such a huge phone bill?
Patricia: She made many long distance caws.

In the late 1930’s, Abe Pickens of Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America, attempted to promote world peace by placing personal calls to various national leaders. He managed to contact Mussolini, Hirohito, Franco, and Hitler (Hitler did not understand English and transferred him to an aide). He spent $10,000 on telephone calls in an effort to bring about world peace.

Caller: I would like the number for a Reverend in Marysville, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Mrs. Rogers picked up the phone to hear an anguished voice on the other end of the line saying, “Ma, this has been the worst day of my life. I am going crazy. The kids are all sick and home from school. I haven’t a thing in the house. I have a doctor’s appointment. I’m going out of my mind!” “I’ll come over,” Mrs. Rogers said, “but I don’t know why Robert can’t take care of the kids.” “Who’s Robert?” “Your husband.” “My husband’s name is William.” “You must have the wrong number.” “Oh . . . does this mean you’re not coming over?”

Caller: I would like the number of the Argoed Fish Café in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I am sorry, there is no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Café, but the B fell off.

How far do you have to stand from a telephone to make a long-distance call?

The first telephone conversation happened between two people who were just 18 feet apart - you might say it was a close call.

Suggested Recordings for Voice Mail and Answering Machines
- Glad you called but I just am not able to entertain you right now. However, if you are offering to buy dinner, I may be available sooner than you think. Don’t forget to leave your name and number so I don’t get mixed up with different offers and go to the wrong restaurant. Bye.
- Hello, this is Beulah’s toaster. Beulah’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done . . . cachunk!
- Hello. This is Ron. I am home right now but I cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
- Hi, I am not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
- Hi, this is Arthur’s answering machine. He is not here, so speak freely at the beep.
- Hi. Now you say something.
- T is for turkey, D is for deer. One of those reasons is why we are not here. So leave a message at the beep.
-This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

Darcy: Why there are so many people named Smith in the phone book?
Craig: They all have phones.

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Did you know that you can play tunes by pushing the buttons on a telephone? All you need to do is call a friend and push the numbered buttons as shown.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Row, row, row your boat
4, 4, 4, 8, 6
Gent-ly down the stream
6, 2, 6, 9, #
Mer-ri-ly mer-ri-ly
#, #, #, 0, 0, 0
Life is but a dream.
6, 2, 2, 1, 1

London Bridge
Lon-don Bridge is fall-ing down
6, 9, 6, 8, 7, 8, 6
Fall-ing down fall-ing down
1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9
Lon-don Bridge is fall-ing down
6, 9, 6, 8, 7, 8, 6
My fair la-day
8, 6, 0, 4

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“If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” -James Thurber

“Information. Can I help you?”
“I’d like the telephone number of the Theater Guild, please.”
“One moment, please . . . I’m sorry, sir, I have no listing for Theodore Guild.”
“No, no, it isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s ‘Theater Guild’.”
“I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.”
“Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater! T-h-e-a-t-e-r!”
“That, sir, is not the way Theodore is spelled.”

Riddle: I have a ring, but no finger - what am I?
Solution: A telephone.

The first bathtub came in 1850. The telephone was not invented until 1876. A lucky gal or guy could have spent twenty-six years in the bathtub without the telephone ringing once!

If you are in the United States of America or Canada, free wakeup calls are available from http://www.wakeupdialer.com/. Type in your telephone number and wakeup time, and the service will wake you with a ring. Don’t thank us, thank them!

“How does the phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don’t pick it up and do a cartwheel and a somersault.” -Larry Miller

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

“One person’s wrong number is another person’s phone number.” -Author Unknown

John: What do you get if you cross a telephone and a dog?
Nadia: A Golden Receiver.

“Your cell phone has replaced your watch, camera, etc. Don’t let it replace your friends and family.” -Author Unknown

“For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.” -Author Unknown

A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?” “Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Thank goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”

More Suggested Recordings for Answering Machines and Voice Mail
- Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just ran away with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
- Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand, mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
- You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My humans do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
- We’re not home, we’re rarely home,
And when we’re home, we’re on the phone,
So please leave a message at the tone!
- Hi! Cassi’s answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I will stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

A woman was being swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a toll-free 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” The company got a new number the next day.

Caller: I would like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

“Uneasy lies the head that ignores a telephone call late at night.” -William Feather (1889 - 1981): “The Business of Life” (1949)

The scene: Alexander Graham Bell’s laboratory. An exciting new discovery is about to take place. In the next room sits Bell’s assistant, a man named Watson, hard at work on Bell’s new invention to transmit sound over wires. As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, it suddenly rings - it must be Bell! He picked it up, and heard: “Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?”

Utility is when you have one telephone,
     Luxury is when you have two,
          And paradise is when you have none.
-Author Unknown

The next time you try to call someone and their answering machine or voice mail greets you and asks you to leave a message, have a little fun with them. For example, say, “Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? I’m trapped inside your phone. It’s cold and dark in here, and I’m hungry and scared. I’ve got to get out of here. Please, please, help me!”

“I finally realized it . . . People are prisoners of their phones. That’s why they are called cell phones.” -Author Unknown

More than 50 percent of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. They depend on face-to-face live-in-person communication instead. If only the rest of us could be so fortunate!

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes . . . that would be the one.

In Icelandic phone books, people are listed by their first names and not their surnames, or last names.

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees, divide by zero, and try again.

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Eletelephony

Once there was an elephant,
     Who tried to use the telephant -
No! No! I mean an elephone
     Who tried to use the telephone -
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
     That even now I’ve got it right.)

Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
     Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
     The louder buzzed the telephee -
(I fear I’d better drop the song
     Of elephop and telephong!)

by Laura Richards (Laura Elizabeth Richards (1850 - 1943))

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‘Telephone’ is derived from the Greek words ‘tele’ meaning ‘at a distance’ and ‘phonos’ meaning ‘sound.’ A telephone is an electronic apparatus that originally allowed people to send and receive sounds over a distance, and which now also allows people to send and receive text in text messages, sound recordings such as music, and images such as photographs.

You could answer the telephone with, “Hello.” However, you could also answer the telephone with, “Yellow,” and most people would simply regard you as having a ‘colorful’ regional dialect or accent.

Telepathy: A condition caused by talking too much on telephones.

In the first month of the Bell Telephone Company’s existence in 1877, only six telephones were sold. The first telephone book, made in 1878, contained only 50 names. Fast-forward to the present, when the world in which we live is essentially a very large telephone company.

Riddle: What do you call a rhinoceros in a telephone booth?
Solution: Stuck!

Nomophobia is a persistent fear of being out of mobile phone contact . . . and we had always thought it referred to a fear of gnomes . . . those terrifying and yet annoying little figures . . .

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Emergency Use Tips for Cell Phones

Your cell phone can actually be an aid to survival in serious emergencies.

The emergency number worldwide for cell phones is 112. If you find yourself outside of the coverage area of your cellular network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the service will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and the number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.

Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? If you lock your keys in the car, and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the cell phone on their end. Your car will unlock. This saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object; you could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ‘remote’ for your car, you can unlock the doors, or the trunk, if you should somehow become locked inside it.

Your cell phone has hidden battery power. When your cell phone battery is very low, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve, and will show a fifty percent increase in battery strength. This reserve will be recharged the next time your charge your cell phone.

To disable a stolen cell phone, first find your cell phone’s serial number, by keying in the following digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. If your phone is ever stolen, you can call your cell phone service provider and give them this code. They can block your handset so that even if a thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be completely useless. You probably will not get your stolen phone back, but at least you know that the person who stole it will not be able to use it or sell it. If everyone did this, there would be no point in people stealing cell phones.

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The first transatlantic wedding took place on 2 December 1933. The groom was in Michigan. The bride was in Sweden. The ceremony took seven minutes and cost $47.50.

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’” -Tim Vine (Timothy Mark ‘Tim’ Vine (born 1967))

The dial tone of a typical telephone is in the key of ‘F.’

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine . . . except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

There are hundreds of millions of telephones in the world, so when you dial a number right in two tries, you are not doing badly at all.

Caller: I would like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I cannot find a town called ‘Woven.’ Are you sure of the name?
Caller: Yes. That’s what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

“Telephones [will] bring peace on Earth, eliminate Southern accents, and save the farm by making farmers less lonely.” -Author Unknown: printed in “The Wall Street Journal” (1995) ‘Century-old Pronouncements’

“We can hardly realize now the blissful quietude of the pre-telephone epoch.” -Norman Douglas (George Norman Douglas (1868 - 1952))

Ring, ring . . . Hello? Hello? Is anybody out there?

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Pessimism and Optimism

11/13/2019

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The British League of Pessimists are against anything and everything.

“Pessimists only ever see clouds, while optimists see clouds and have the faith to believe that the Sun still shines brightly behind them.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Think positive. For example, I fell down the stairs today and thought, ‘Wow! I sure fell down those stairs fast!’” -Author Unknown

“An optimist is one who makes the best of it when he gets the worst of it.” -Laurence J. Peter (Laurence Johnston Peter (1919 - 1990))

“No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968))

“I’m so optimistic I’d go after Moby Dick in a row boat and take the tartar sauce with me.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

“No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.” -Norman Cousins

“An optimist is a person who undertakes a seemingly impossible task in a spirit of immeasurable enthusiasm, unbounded determination, unbelievable excitement, indestructible confidence, uncompromising thoroughness, and indefatigable persistence . . . with understandable success.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994))

“No sense in being pessimistic - it probably wouldn’t work anyway.” -Author Unknown

“An optimistic point of view will always look much better on you!” -Susan Librener

“Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.” -Mary Lou Retton (Mary Lou ‘Loo’ Retton (born 1968))

“A stumbling-block to the pessimist is a stepping-stone to the optimist.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))

“Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha.” -Robert Brault (born 1938) at rbrault.blogspot.com

Denise: Why is Darth Vader such a pessimist?
Dennis: Because he is always looking on the Dark Side of things.

“Optimists don’t internalize pain or criticism. They take it for what it is worth and carry on.” -Robert M. Sherfield, website http://www.RobertSherfield.com/

“Distance yourself from negativity or it will deplete your well of optimism.” -Jeff Sheehan

“An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?” -René Descartes (1596 - 1650)

Optimist and Pessimist

Twixt optimist and pessimist,
     The difference is droll*:
The optimist sees the doughnut,
     The pessimist sees the hole.

by McLandburgh Wilson (Florence McLandburgh (1850 - 1934)): poem (1915)
*droll: amusing in an odd way

“You will find yourself refreshed by the presence of cheerful people. Why not make earnest effort to confer that pleasure on others? Half the battle is gained if you never allow yourself to say anything gloomy.” -Lydia M. Child (Lydia Marie Child (1802 - 1880))

“A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities; an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.” -Reginald B. Mansell (Reginald Baynes Mansell (1897 - 1945))

“An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972)

“Pessimism is contagious. One of the ways people catch it is from exposure to the news shows on television, radio, and online.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“It can be done.” -Author Unknown

“If the pessimists aren’t happy now, they never will be!” -Author Unknown

“Real optimism has reason to complain but prefers to smile.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994))

“Pessimist: A person who says ‘o’ is the last letter of zero, instead of the first letter of opportunity.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Optimism is essential to achievement and is also the foundation of courage and true progress.” -Nicholas Murray Butler (1862 - 1947)

“A pessimist looks at his glass and says it is half empty; an optimist looks at it and says it is half full.” -Josiah Stamp (1880 - 1941): as attributed in the “New York Times” (13 November 1935) newspaper

“I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.” -Simon Sinek (Simon Oliver Sinek (born 1973))

“Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people. A ship can sail around the world many, many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind: Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship.” -Alfred A. Montapert (Alfred Armand Montapert (1906 - 1997))

“The optimist regards the future as uncertain.” -Eugene Paul Wigner (also known as E. P. Wigner (born Wigner Jenő Pál (1902 - 1995)))

“One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.” -Lucille Ball (1911 - 1989)

“Optimism. It’s not just a mind-set, it is behavior.” -Larry Elder (Laurence Allen ‘Larry’ Elder (born 1952)), website www.LarryElder.com

“Criticism and pessimism destroy families, undermine institutions of all kinds, defeat nearly everyone, and spread a shroud of gloom over entire nations.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008))

Optimist: The glass is half-full.
Pessimist: The glass is half-empty.
Efficiency Expert: The glass is twice the required size.

“Real optimism knows the difficulties but believes they can be overcome.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994))

“I’ve never seen a monument erected to a pessimist.” -Paul Harvey (1918 - 2009)

“For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))

“How happy are the pessimists! What joy is theirs when they have proved there is no joy.” -Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830 - 1916): as quoted in Maturin M. Ballou: “Edge-Tools of Speech” (1886), page 251

“Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

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The Pessimist

Nothing to do but work,
     Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes
     To keep one from going nude.

Nothing to breathe but air
     Quick as a flash it is gone;
Nowhere to fall but off,
     Nowhere to stand but on.

Nothing to comb but hair,
     Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
     Nothing to bury but dead.

Nothing to sing but songs,
     Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
     Nowhere to come but back.

Nothing to see but sights,
     Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we’ve got;
     Thus thro’ life we are cursed.

Nothing to strike but a gait;
     Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense
     Can ever withstand these woes.

by Benjamin Franklin King (1857 - 1894)

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“Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist.” -Robert G. Allen (Robert Grant Allen (born 1948))

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.” -G. B. Stern (Gladys Bronwyn Stern (born Gladys Bertha Stern (1890 - 1973))): as quoted in Karen Weekes: “Women Know Everything!: 3,241 Quips, Quotes, and Brilliant Remarks” (1 March 2007), page 41

“Stick with the optimists. It’s going to be tough enough even if they’re right.” -James Reston (James Barrett ‘Scotty’ Reston (1909 - 1995))

“Pessimism leads to weakness, optimism to power.” -William James (1842 - 1910)

“As I say yes to life, life says yes to me!” -Louise L. Hay (Louise Lynn Hay (born 1926))

“The best things in life are free . . . and so are the worst things.” -Author Unknown

“The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life.” -Author Unknown

“So a pessimist walked into a restaurant and said, ‘You’re closed, aren’t you?’” -Author Unknown

“An optimist is the human personification of spring.” -Susan J. Bissonette (born 1938): as quoted in “Readers Digest” (1979)

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The Hymn of the Pessimist

My grandpa notes the world’s worn cogs,
And says we’re going to the dogs.

His grandpa in his house of logs,
Said things were going to the dogs.

His grandpa in the Flemish bogs,
Said things were going to the dogs.

His grandpa in his hairy togs,
Said things were going to the dogs.

But this is what I wish to state,
The dogs have had an awful wait.

by Author Unknown

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“It’s not that optimism solves all of life’s problems; it is just that it can sometimes make the difference between coping and collapsing.” -Lucy Macdonald

“A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.” -Michael Levine

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in; a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” -Bill Vaughan (William Edward ‘Bill’ Vaughan also known by pseudonym Burton Hillis (1915 - 1977)): “Senator Soaper Opines” (31 December 1963) newspaper column in the “Evening World-Herald,” page 16, column 2

“Always look on the bright side of life. Otherwise it’ll be too dark to read.” -Author Unknown

“Optimism is the one quality more associated with success and happiness than any other.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

“In the long run, the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.” -Daniel L. Reardon

“Be courageous. Change and improve each day. Do your best and don’t look back. See learning and change as opportunities. Try new things. Consider several options. Meet new people. Ask lots of questions. Keep track of your mental and physical health. Be optimistic.” -Donald Martin

“Pessimist: A person who views the world through woes-colored glasses.” -Author Unknown

Overheard: I would like to be an optimist, but I doubt that it would work out.

“One day someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, ‘Is it half full or half empty?’ So I drank the water. No more problem.” -Alexander Jodorowsky

“What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.” -Chuck Palahniuk: “Survivor” (17 February 1999)

“The habit of looking on the best side of every event is worth more than a thousand pounds a year.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” -James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958): “The Silver Stallion” (1926), Chapter 6

“People who wonder whether the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.” -Author Unknown

“Optimism refuses to believe that the road ends without options.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))

Marcella: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Marcia: None; a new one will not work any better than the burned-out one did.

“Optimism will grow like a flower if the soil be properly prepared.” -Arthur Lynch

“Pessimism wilts everything around it.” -Michael Levine

“Optimists find joy in small things. They enjoy sunsets, a good conversation with a close friend; and they enjoy life in general. They are more concerned with having many small joys rather than having one huge joy.” -Robert M. Sherfield, website http://www.RobertSherfield.com/

“Optimism is the sunshine of the soul.” -Author Unknown

“Optimism inspires, energizes, and brings out our best. It points the mind toward possibilities and helps us think creatively past problems.” -Price Pritchett

This is MFOL! . . . where life is good - who are we kidding - life is great!

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Cheapskates and Misers

11/9/2019

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Matthew: How was copper wire invented?
Matilda: Two cheapskates were fighting over a penny.

A boy asked his father for twenty dollars. His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”

Miserly tip: Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

“If you really want your friends to remember you, give them something cheap.” -Author Unknown

First man: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Second man: I want to extend the battery life, and so I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.

After being away on a business trip, Tim thought it would be nice to get his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $85. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $49. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $17 bottle. “What I mean is,” said Tim, “I’d like to see something really cheap.” So the clerk handed him a mirror.

A man walked into a coffee shop and asked the waitress, “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is three dollars,” the waitress said. “How much is a refill?” the man asked. “Free,” said the waitress. “Great, then I’ll take a refill!” said the man.

“I do not prize the word cheap. It is not a badge of honor . . . it is a symbol of despair. Cheap prices make for cheap goods; cheap goods make for cheap men; and cheap men make for a cheap country!” -William McKinley (1843 - 1901)

“He who is frugal is the richest of men, and the miser is the poorest.” -Nicolas Chamfort (1741 - 1794): “Maxims and Thoughts” (1796), as translated by W. S. Merwin (1984)

If you want to find cheap EBay auctions, go to www.FatFingers.com and type in what you are looking for. It will search all listings with incorrect spellings - which means very few people can find them - which means c-h-e-a-p!

Ellie: Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Angela: Because every buck is dear to him!

The following anecdote is about the Austrian poet Peter Altenberg. “Though in fact he maintained a very solid bank balance, Mr. Altenberg had a mania for begging. The poet and critic Karl Kraus tells how Altenberg besought him again and again to give him a hundred kronen, and on every occasion Mr. Kraus refused him. Finally, his patience at an end, Kraus burst out, “Look Peter, I’d gladly give it to you, but I really, really don’t have the money.” “Very well, I’ll lend it to you,” said Altenberg.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard (editors): “Bartlett’s Book of Anecdotes” (2000)

A Young Fellow Named B. B.

A certain young fellow named B. B.
Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe
“But,” he said. “I must see
What the minister’s fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe B. B.”

by Author Unknown

“Free speech: Using someone else’s telephone.” -Author Unknown

Good Places to Look for ‘Pennies from Heaven’
- Around parking meters.
- Under coin-operated vending machines.
- On the sidewalks when you go for long walks.
- In outdoor water fountains.
- Under the bleachers at sports events.
- In laundromats.
- In parking lots.
- Under amusement park rides.

“There is always a little more toothpaste in the tube. Think about it.” -Bill Bryson (born 1951): “Notes from a Big Country” (1999)

There are money-saving devices, as for example, attachments that fit over tubes of toothpaste to allow every bit of toothpaste to be squeezed out; however, the problem with such devices is that you have to part with some money to have them.

Penelope: Why do misers like paper money more than coins?
Penny: When they put it in their pockets they double it, when they take it out, it’s ‘in creases.’

Repeat after us: Cheap is good, cheap is good, cheap is good . . .

In 1955, the richest woman in the world was Mrs. Hetty Green Wilks, who left an estate of $95 million in a will that was found in a tin box with four pieces of carefully saved soap.

Overheard: I am such a cheapskate that I do not even have skates!

“Cheap is seldom good, and good is seldom cheap.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, ‘It’s free with purchase.’ I asked her if anyone bought anything today.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

“Misers are no fun to live with but they make great ancestors.” -Tom Snyder (born 1936)

“A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich.” -William Shenstone (1714 - 1763)

Overheard: I hate to always eat and run, but with the way I tip, it’s the only safe procedure!

A miser was at the top of a ladder when a coin fell from his pocket. He was hit on the head by the coin as it reached the ground.

“I pity that man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth shall starve in the process.” -Benjamin Harrison (1833 - 1901)

And then there was the miser who took his date to the beach and told her ‘shady’ stories so that he would not have to rent an umbrella . . .

Keepsakes of a Cheapskate

Empty cardboard boxes,
     Meters of old string,
I am a cheapskate, and
     I will save any old thing.

My bed is a rubber dingy
     That washed up on the shore
I am miserly and stingy -
     But even I won’t sleep on the floor!

by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Melba: What do misers do when it is cold?
Blaine: They sit around a candle.

Brenda: What do misers do when it is really, really cold?
Belinda: They light the candle!

Miser: A rich pauper.

Miserly tip: Do not waste money on expensive music playing gadgets. Instead, just think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to ‘switch tracks,’ simply think of another song you like and hum that one.

“A cheapskate is a person who tries to live far above his means, while a miser is a person who successfully lives far beneath his means.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Have you heard about the cheapskate who was pleased with himself because he had married a woman who was born on 29 February? He would only have to buy her a birthday present once every four years!

An Old Man of El Hums

There was an old man of El Hums,
Who lived upon nothing but crumbs,
     Which he picked off the ground,
     With the other birds round,
In the roads and the lanes of El Hums.

by Author Unknown

Now you, too, can join us by standing up and proudly proclaiming, “I am a cheapskate!”

Bertie: What is the difference between a miser and a canary?
Bernard: One is a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

“The happiest miser on Earth is the man who saves up every friend he can make.” -Robert E. Sherwood

Miserly tip: Before throwing away old shoes, remove the shoestrings, which can be used to make clotheslines, dog leashes, a giant ball of string, and many other things.

One old geezer was so miserly that he kept a brown paper bag in the attic of his house, labeled ‘Pieces of String Too Short to Use.’

Why be miserly with humor and inspiration - when you can share what you find here with other people - and never have to pay for it?!

Gerard: How many misers does it take to change a light bulb?
Jeremy: None - misers are so cheap that they would rather sit in the dark than buy a new bulb!

“You don’t have to be a miser, just be wiser with your money.” -Dorethia Conner Kelly

Be sure to tell all of your cheap friends about us . . . and whether you are miserly or not yourself, do not forget to MFOL! (Make Fun Of Life!)

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Loneliness and Solitude

11/4/2019

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If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you are not alone in what you are experiencing . . . and yet you are alone . . . so very, very alone . . .

“You call it being alone. I call it enjoying my own company.” -Author Unknown

“They are never alone that are accompanied with noble thoughts.” -Philip Sidney (1554 - 1586)

“I was never less alone than when by myself.” -Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794): “Memoir” (1796), Volume 1, page 117

“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.” -Kim Culbertson

Jered: Why are bananas never lonely?
Derek: Because they hang around in bunches!

Sometimes

Sometimes I like to be alone
And look up at the sky
And think my thoughts inside my head -
Just me, myself, and I.

by Mary Ann Hoberman (born 1930)

“In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people.” -Judy Garland (Frances Gumm (1922 - 1969)): as quoted in Barbara Rowes: “The Book of Quotes” (1979)

“Dear sidewalk, please get wider. Sincerely, third friend walking behind feeling excluded.” -Author Unknown

“More than any other human problem, loneliness, the absence of meaningful human connection, drains the joy and sense of purpose from our lives. It explains why people go to shopping centers when they have no intention of shopping. They just need to be somewhere where other people are, hoping that among the hundreds of strangers passing by, they will find one familiar face. It explains why people come home from work or school and immediately switch on the television. They are not interested in the program much of the time, they do not even know what is on. But they are desperate for the sound of another human voice in their lives.” -Harold Kushner (Harold Samuel Kushner (born 1935))

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))

“The difference between solitude and loneliness is the quality of the company we keep.” -Author Unknown

How to Cope with Loneliness
- Adopt a pet.
- Take up a hobby or a cause.
- Keep busy with whatever you can find to do.
- Help others or become a volunteer.
- Make friends of strangers.
- Go to places where other people go.
- What can you add to this list?

“There is a French proverb: To live happy, live hidden. Where can Brigitte Bardot hide?” -Brigitte Bardot (born 1934)

“Loneliness is the way by which destiny endeavors to lead man to himself.” -Hermann Hesse (1877 - 1962): “Reflections” (1974), number 196

There are times when you want to be alone - but the world will not let you alone!

“I never said, ‘I want to be alone.’ I only said, ‘I want to be left alone.’ There is all the difference.” -Greta Garbo (Greta Lovisa Gustafsson (1905 - 1990))

“Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.” -Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794)

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” -Joseph F. Newton (Joseph Fort Newton (1878 - 1949))

“The pain of loneliness is normal, and is felt by everyone, and is nature’s way of telling us that we are meant to be with others of our own kind.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“I like to be alone, but I dislike being lonely.” -Author Unknown

“One can acquire everything in solitude - except character.” -Stendhal (pseudonym of Marie-Henri Beyle (1783 - 1842))

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a one-hundred-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal. “Would you like to go to Frank’s Diner with me and have a bite to eat?” he asked the centipede in the box. But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going out and having a snack with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, he said, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?” A tiny little voice came squeaking out of the box in reply, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

“It is strange to be known so universally and yet be so lonely.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

“Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.” -Teresa of Calcutta (Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (1910 - 1997))

“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” -May Sarton (pseudonym of Eleanore Marie Sarton (1912 - 1995))

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.” -Paul Tournier

“The finest hours of life are not those spent among groups of people, but in good conversation with a few, in reading good books, in listening to great music, wandering in a forest of giant Sequoias, peering into a microscope, unraveling Nature’s secrets in a laboratory. The men who have the most to give their fellow men are those who have enriched their minds and hearts in solitude. It is a poor education that does not fit a man to be alone with himself.” -Joel Henry Hildebrand

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

“No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know none who cares or understands.” -Arthur H. Stainback

“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.” -Jarod Kintz (born 1982)

“You keep a lot to yourself because it’s difficult to find people who understand.” -Author Unknown

“The quiet and solitary man apprehends the inscrutable. He seeks nothing, holds to the mean, and remains free from entanglements.” -I Ching (B.C.E. 1150)

“One form of loneliness is to have a memory and no one to share it with.” -Phyllis Rose

“It’s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.” -Diane Grant

“If I’m such a legend, why am I so lonely?” -Judy Garland (Frances Gumm (1922 - 1969))

“Grant me the ability to be alone, may it be my custom to go outdoors each day among the trees and grasses among all growing things and there may I be alone, and enter into prayer to talk with the one that I belong to.” -Nachman of Breslov (1772 - 1810)

“The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990)

“City life: Millions of people being lonesome together.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone.” -Henrik Ibsen (Henrik Johan ‘Henrik’ Ibsen (1828 - 1906))

“What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans, also known as Marian Evans Cross (1819 - 1880)): “Middlemarch” (1871)

“The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.” -Friedrich Nietzsche (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900))

“Learn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life.” -Ann Richards

William Osler (1849 - 1919), visiting one of London’s leading children’s hospitals, noticed that in a convalescent ward all the children were clustered at one end of the room dressing their dolls, playing games, and playing in the sandbox - all except for one little girl, who sat forlornly on the edge of her high, narrow bed, clutching a cheap doll. The great physician looked at the lonely little figure, then at the ward nurse. “We’ve tried to get Susan to play,” the nurse whispered, “but the other children just won’t have anything to do with her. You see, no one comes to see her. Her mother is dead, and her father has been here just once - he brought her that doll. The children have a strange code. Visitors mean so much. If you don’t have any visitors, you are ignored.” William walked over to the child’s bed and asked in a voice loud enough for the others to hear, “May I sit down, please?” The little girl’s eyes lit up. “I can’t stay very long this visit,” Osler went on, “but I have wanted to see you so badly.” For five minutes he sat talking with her, even inquiring about her doll’s health and solemnly pulling out his stethoscope to listen to the doll’s chest. And as he left, he turned to the youngster and said in a carrying voice, “You won’t forget our secret, will you? - and mind, don’t tell anyone.” At the door he looked back. His new friend was now the center of a curious and admiring throng.

“When you have shut your doors and darkened your room, remember never to say that you are alone; for you are not alone, but God is within and your genius is within.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)

“Language . . . has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich (Paul Johannes Tillich (1886 - 1965))

“My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs reading, ‘No Trespassing,’ ‘Beware of Dog,’ and ‘Keep Out - This Means You!’ Finally, arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, ‘Come and see me again sometime. I don’t get many visitors up this way.’ The lesson is simple: Ask yourself, am I lonely because of the ‘messages’ I am sending out?” -Author Unknown

Just as no day is complete without some fun in it, a trip around the internet is never complete without visiting MFOL! . . .

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Vehicles and Drivers

11/1/2019

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“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985))

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo, who?
Cargo, “Beep, beep!”

In 1894, there were only four automobiles in the United States of America. Imagine the traffic jams, or rather, the lack thereof!

A man in his beat-up old car drove up to a tollbooth. The toll collector said, “Two dollars.” The vehicle owner said, “Sold!”

“I’ve found that an overlooked psychological factor contributing to auto accidents is the driver’s dislike for his car.” -Sheldon Zigelbaum

Neil: Which traffic light is the bravest?
Nell: The one that doesn’t turn yellow.

“Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel and need no special parking facilities.” -Lewis Mumford

During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?” “No,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one.” “Yes, he does,” answered the officer. “But,” protested the driver, “I always do all the driving.”

Child: Mom, what happens to a car when it is too old to run anymore?
Mother: Someone sells it to your father.

Reckless automobile driving arouses the suspicion that much of the horse sense of the good old days was possessed by the horse. The reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse-and-buggy era was that the driver did not depend wholly on his own judgement.

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.” -Dudley Moore

Sammy: Why couldn’t the rooster buy a car?
Amy: Because he couldn’t scratch up enough money.

“Law of Driver Impatience: If you change lanes because traffic seems to be moving too slow and you are impatient, the lane you were in will start to move faster than the one you have moved to.” -Author Unknown

“Another often-overlooked benefit of the introduction of the automobile is the resulting decrease in horse stealing.” -Author Unknown

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”

Clementine: What kind of country would this be if everyone drove a pink car?
Lemuel: A pink carnation!

A man was having trouble with his new car. He had added a carburetor that saved 30 percent on gas, a timer that saved 50 percent on gas, and spark plugs that saved 30 percent on gas. The trouble started when he drove ten miles and the gas tank overflowed.

Mercy: How many sides does a stop sign have?
Piercy: Being octagons, stop signs have eight sides. (Alternative answer: Two: front and back, with eight ‘edges.’)

Mini Caught Speeding at Mach 3. A Belgian motorist has been sent a speeding ticket for traveling at 3,379 kilometers (2,100 miles) per hour. The ticket claimed he had been caught doing Mach 3 in his Mini in a Brussels city suburb. Police have apologized for the mistake, and have blamed a faulty radar. They said human error was to blame for sending out the ticket, even though it was clear the man’s car could not have been traveling at three times the speed of sound.

Glenn: Have you heard about the vehicle that runs on water?
Logan: Yes, I believe it is called a sailboat.

“Some people just don’t know how to drive. I call these people, ‘Everybody but me.’” -Author Unknown

“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” -Noelie Altito

“Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, I realize there is a reason the rearview mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. Where you are headed is so much more important than what you have left behind.” -Author Unknown

Neoautodentaphobia is a persistent fear of getting a dent in your new car.

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not run a red light,’ five hundred times.”

Riddle: What has ten letters and starts with g-a-s?
Solution: An ‘automobile.’

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the clerk handed him a receipt for paying his traffic fine. “Keep it,” the clerk advised. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

Wally: What part of a vehicle causes the most accidents?
Wallace: A loose screw in the nut located just behind the steering wheel.

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen - it said ‘Parking Fine.’” -Tommy Cooper

Deborah: How many dinosaurs will fit into a small car?
Debby: I don’t know, but sixteen small cars will fit into a dinosaur!

“The car has become . . . an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete.” -Marshall McLuhan: “Understanding Media” (1964)

Millicent: Where do vehicles get the most flat tires?
Milford: Where there is a fork in the road.

Bumper Sticker: If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

Darlene: What model car is that you’re driving?
Darin: Well, it’s not so much a model as it is a bad example.

Motorist: Someone who keeps pedestrians in good running order.

“We are not proving ourselves spiritually worthy of our material progress. We have not been neighborly, courteous, and kind upon the highway. Our lack of decency toward our fellow men is a definite black mark against us.” -Cary T. Grayson

Pierce: Where can you drive without a license?
Morgan: On a golf course.

“Driving: Flying through the air while making intermittent contact with the road surface.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” -Author Unknown

Red Light: The place where you catch up with the motorist who passed you going 80 miles per hour a mile back.

Libby: What happened when the wheel was invented?
Lovey: It caused a ‘revolution.’

“What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise, can you imagine the awful screeching?” -Samuel Hoffenstein

Have you heard about the guy who was T-boned while making a U-turn on an S-Curve? He got an ‘A’ for being in an accident.

Percival: What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
Priscilla: A screwdriver.

“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.” -Author Unknown

Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie Bear: I took a correspondence course.
-Jerry Juhl and Jack Burns

Sing While You Drive

At 45 miles per hour, sing:
     “Highways are Happy Ways.”
At 55 miles per hour, sing:
     “I’m But a Stranger Here, Heaven is My Home.”
At 65 miles per hour, sing:
     “Nearer, My God, to Thee!”
At 75 miles per hour, sing:
     “When the Roll is Called Up Yonder, I’ll Be There.”
At 85 miles per hour, sing:
     “Lord, I’m Coming Home.”

by Author Unknown

“Never buy a car you can’t push.” -Author Unknown

“The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key.” -Edward Abbey

Devon: How do you avoid being driven crazy?
Irving: Walk.

“The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Self-Reliance” (1841)

A woman who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She did not have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?” “Yes, I do, officer,” she replied. “Well,” asked the officer, “do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?”

“Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.” -Author Unknown

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called ‘rush hour’?

Safety Belts

Safety belts, safety belts,
     Wear them all the way!
Every time you’re in the car,
     Every night and day, oh!

Safety belts, safety belts,
     Wear them round your lap!
Then before you start to ride,
     Everybody snap!

by Author Unknown, can be sung to the same tune as that of “Jingle Bells”

A man was driving along in his car when his wife called him on his cell phone. “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news that there’s a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.” The man replied, “Only one - are you kidding? There must be hundreds of them!”

If someone can’t operate a turn-signal properly, what makes that person think that he or she can operate the whole car?

Jill’s car was unreliable, and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” he asked. “My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?” “Where are you?” John asked. “I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded. “And where’s the car?” John asked. Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”

Jenny: What is the difference between a car and a cow?
Jennifer: A car only has one horn.

“What if you steered your vehicle with your feet, and the brakes and accelerator were controlled by your hands?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and both of them could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I am sure we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have injured us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, my goodness, am I driving?”

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

“When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.” -Larry Lujack

Fools Indeed

What fools indeed we mortals are
     To lavish care upon a car,
With ne’er a bit of time to see
     About our own machinery!

by John Kendrick Bangs (1862 - 1922)

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” -Author Unknown

“Consider the man on horseback, and I have been a man on horseback for most of my life. Well, mostly he is a good man, but there is a change in him as soon as he mounts. Every man on horseback is an arrogant man, however gentle he may be on foot. The man in the automobile is one thousand times as dangerous. I tell you, it will engender absolute selfishness in mankind if the driving of automobiles becomes common. It will breed violence on a scale never seen before. It will mark the end of the family as we know it, the three or four generations living happily in one home. It will destroy the sense of neighborhood and the true sense of Nation. It will create giganticized cankers of cities, false opulence of suburbs, ruinized countryside, and unhealthy conglomerations of specialized farming and manufacturing. It will make every man a tyrant.” -R. A. Lafferty: “Interurban Queen” (1970), a short story set in the late 1800’s

“A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.” -Robert Brault

A man was driving down a lonely country road when it began to snow heavily. His car windows fogged up and the windshield became covered with snow, but his wiper blades were badly worn, and consequently they soon fell apart. The man could not see out of the front of his car anymore and he could not continue to drive, so he stopped the car. Then he got out and started to turn over some large rocks that he found alongside the road. Finally, he found two frozen snakes under the rocks. He straightened them out, stuck them flat onto his blades, and they worked just fine. He was able to continue on his way thanks to his pair of wind-chilled vipers.

Denise: When do you go on red and stop on green?
Denny: When you are eating a watermelon.

“Primitives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.” -Mary Ellen Kelly

Amazingly, the brilliant-yet-quirky physicist Albert Einstein never learned how to drive a car. He was, however, an enthusiastic bicyclist and walker. Other famous people who never learned how to drive include science-fiction writer Ray Bradbury, actress Mae West, and American President Woodrow Wilson. There are many well-known non-drivers - in fact, too many to list in the space allotted to this topic.

Stoplight: A place where the cautious and the reckless meet.

Motorists, here is how you can avoid being prosecuted for using your cell phone while driving. Simply place your phone inside a large seashell, and the police will think that you are listening to the sound of the ocean as you drive.

“A tree never hits an automobile - except in self-defense.” -Author Unknown

The next time you are in your car, tell your passengers, “Vrmmm-vrmmm! Now fasten your seatbelts, because here we . . . GO!!!” and then start moving forward . . . at a snail’s pace of one or two miles per hour . . . for some slow-paced silliness . . . because as Mahatma Gandhi once said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” There is also slowing down a little from time to time to admire the scenery created by nature’s handiwork . . . and then speeding back up again to keep up with the pace of the modern era! Slow, fast, slow, fast. Feeling dizzy yet? Hang on, there is more silliness ahead!

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Witchcraft and Witches

10/30/2019

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Is this a coven of witches . . . or just a group of Welsh women who enjoy playing dress-up for teatime?

Emma: What bounces and cackles?
Emmit: A witch on a trampoline!

Witches Brew

Dash of bat whiskers
Three purple tadpoles
Dollop of goobly goop
One teaspoon frozen rainbow
Two pinches of ghost dust
Sprinkle with troll teeth
Mix thoroughly and simmer
Over low heat for 4 hours
Serve ice cold.

by Author Unknown

Laura: What did the little witch hope to get for her birthday?
Laurel: A haunted dollhouse!

The word ‘witch’ is derived from the Old English words ‘wicca’ meaning ‘wise man’ and ‘wicce’ meaning ‘wise woman.’

Penny: Have you heard about the good weather witch?
Bill: Yes, and she’s forecasting sunny spells!

Witchcraft and Witches Facts
- A male witch is called a witch, a warlock, a wizard, or a sorcerer.
- A female witch is called a witch or a sorceress.
- The exact meanings of terms such as witch and warlock and their assignment to gender are not always agreed upon, so for example, some people refer to both males and females as witches, and some people say warlock is not an actual term for describing a practitioner of witchcraft.
- A group of witches is called a coven, a flight, or imaginatively, a cackle.

Bonnie: Why does everyone at witches’ conventions wear a nametag?
Lonnie: So they can tell which witch is which witch.

Apparently, even witches get lonely for the company of their own kind. Thus, they gather into ‘covens,’ of between two and thirteen witches. The word ‘coven’ was mostly unused in the English language until 1921, when Margaret Murray advanced the idea that witches across Europe met in groups of 13, which they call covens. When covens gather, they engage in communication with the spirit world, rituals, chants, gossip, and whatever else your imagination is suggesting to you right now.

Ace: Why do witches carry black cats on their brooms?
Tex: Because elephants weigh too much.

A warlock went to the doctor one day complaining of headaches. “It’s because I live in a room with two of my brothers,” he said. “One of them has six goats and the other has four pigs and they all live in the room with us. The smell is terrible.” “Well, couldn’t you just open the windows?” asked the doctor. “Certainly not,” he replied, “my bats would fly out.”

Ruben: What do witches say when they cast the wrong spell?
Benjamin: “Hexcuse me!”

Sal: What kind of pets do witches have?
Les: Scaredy cats!

The cat, frog, pig, raven, goat, wolf, bat, and mouse were believed to be a witch’s ‘familiar,’ or a spirit in animal form that was used by a witch to perform evil deeds and cast malevolent spells.

A witch tells you she is going to turn you into her animal familiar and you will have to be that animal for the rest of your life, but she will let you choose which animal from the above list that you want to be. So, which animal will you be?

Cinnamon: What do you call two witches on one broom?
Simon: Broommates.

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cackle maniacally, and people back away from you slowly.” -Author Unknown

Wanda: How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
Wendy: She cracks eggs into a pan and gets two other witches to make the stove shake with fright. Then she cackles just like a chicken!

We would not want to attract the ire of any witches, but here is a little secret about the ways of harmless good witches: The ingredients they use in their potions and other concoctions are extraordinarily ordinary, but they give the ingredients fantastic names to keep their recipes secret. So for example, bat wings might really be leaves of cloves, and eye of newt might actually be pearl onions. Some folks just find having secrets makes their lives more interesting - that plus ‘secret recipes’ fetch a higher price in the marketplace than regular ones. On the other hand, malevolent or bad witches might actually use real scales of snakes and warts of toads and hairs of hares in their recipes.

Courtney: What is evil and goes around and around?
Corey: A witch on a merry-go-round.

Sandy: What does a witch call for when she checks into a hotel?
Sandra: Broom service.

Wiccaphobia is a persistent fear of witches and witchcraft. Wow, there’s a word for nearly everything, isn’t there?

Donny: How does the witch know what time it is?
Donald: She looks at her witch-watch.

Joan of Arc, also known as Jeanne d’Arc and Jehanne Darc, was born in 1412. She was a French military leader and heroine. On 30 May 1431, Joan of Arc, accused of heresy and witchcraft, was burned at the stake in Rouen (pronounced roo-AHN’), France.

Josie: What has six legs and flies?
Joey: A witch and a cat on a broom!

“‘A witch ought never be frightened in the darkest forest,’ Granny Weatherwax had once told her, because she should be sure in her soul that the most terrifying thing in the forest was her.” -Terry Pratchett: “Wintersmith” (2006)

Wilfred: How can you imagine yourself flying on a broom?
Wilma: Just engage in witchful thinking!

What were the Salem Witch Trials? About 150 so-called witches were arrested in 1692 in Salem, Massachusetts, British Colonial America. Thirty-one of the people were put on trial, and all of them, including six males, were sentenced to death. Nineteen were hanged, two died in jail, and one man was slowly pressed to death under heavy stones. None were burned at the stake. Bridget Bishop was the first person charged with being a witch to be hung, on 10 June 1692. The last person hanged for witchcraft in the American colonies was on 22 September 1692. Could it have been that the 150 people accused were not evil witches, but instead, their accusers were the actual witches?

Angie: Why do witches wear pointy hats?
Angelica: To cover their pointy heads.

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All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
     Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch:
Fillet of a fenny snake,
     In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
     Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
     Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
     Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
     Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Macbeth” (1606), Act IV, scene 1 [A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron], lines 1557 through 1568

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Penelope: What is a witches’ favorite subject in school?
Spencer: Spelling.

Wilfred: What would you expect to find on a beach at Halloween?
Mildred: A sand-witch.

Helen Duncan, a medium, or a person who purports to communicate with the spirit world, was arrested in 1944 in Portsmouth, England. She had been arrested originally for the catch-all charge of vagrancy, but when she came up for trial at the Old Bailey, the police promptly added the charge of witchcraft, and she was tried at the Bailey under the Witchcraft Act of 1735. Her case is the last known instance of a person in England being tried by law as a witch.

Shelia: Where does a witch park her broom after she is done flying?
Ophelia: In a broom closet.

Hilda: Why don’t witches ride their brooms when they are upset?
Mathilda: They are afraid of flying off the handle!

Would you be willing to entertain the possibility that witches, warlocks, wizards, sorcerers, and sorceresses are not real, but are creations wholly of human imagination? This would mean that some people might like to pretend that they are these things, and some people might accuse other people of being these things, but though they might be either good people or bad people, they are not really witches, warlocks, wizards, sorcerers, or sorceresses.

Felicia: What do little witches eat?
Felicity: Alpha-bat soup!

Michael: What do witches put on their bagels?
Rachel: Scream cheese!

Overheard: The local witch once threatened to turn me into a toad, but she changed her mind after thinking it over. She said it would be a waste of a perfectly good spell because no one would notice any change in my appearance!

The riches of witches are flying brooms, black cats, boiling cauldrons, loud clear cackles, the camaraderie of covens - and spells that cause itches!

Irwin: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Irving: Just one, but she changes it into a toad!

Cecil: How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
Celeste: With scare-spray.

What should you do if a geometric witch puts a hexagon you?

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Witches’ Menu

Live lizard, dead lizard
     Marinated, fried.
Poached lizard, pickled lizard
     Salty lizard hide.

Hot lizard, cold lizard
     Lizard over ice.
Baked lizard, boiled lizard
     Lizard served with spice.

Sweet lizard, sour lizard
     Smoked lizard heart.
Leg of lizard, loin of lizard
     Lizard a la carte.

by Sonja Nikolay (born 1936)

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Lynne: Which cartoon do witches like to watch on television?
Linda: “The Scare Bears.”

“Mortified: A witch’s reaction to being mortalized, or being made into a mere mortal.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Mandy: Why do witches fly on brooms?
Manetta: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

Tongue twister: If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

Ollie: What do witches like to do on the computer?
Oliver: Use the ‘spell’ checker.

“Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” -J.R.R. Tolkien (John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (1892 - 1973)): “The Fellowship of the Ring” (1954), book I, chapter 3

Marcy: What has four wheels and flies?
Marcella: A witch on a vacuum cleaner!

Judy: What did one witch say to other when she asked for a lift?
Trudy: “There’s always plenty of broom for one more.”

We cover a wide variety of subjects . . . because one size does not fit all . . . more fun follows below . . . on MFOL!

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Ships and Sailors

10/29/2019

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Across the mighty seas they sailed, in tiny wooden ships, pushed along by the currents in the water and the currents in the air . . . Are we there yet? How much longer is this going to take? Is that what a sea monster is supposed to look like?

Iron Men and Wooden Ships

Said a salty old skipper from Wales,
“Number One, it’s all right to chew nails.
     It impresses the crew,
     It impresses me, too.
But stop spitting holes in the sails!”

by John Ciardi (John Anthony Ciardi (1916 - 1986))

“Land was created to provide a place for boats to visit.” -Brooks Atkinson (Justin Brooks ‘Brooks’ Atkinson (1894 - 1984))

Never a ship sails out of the bay
     But carries my heart as a stowaway.
-Roselle Mercier Montgomery (1874 - 1933): “Ulysses Returns, and Other Poems” (1925), ‘The Stowaway’

“Sailors, with their built in sense of order, service, and discipline, should really be running the world.” -Nicholas Monsarrat (Nicholas John Turney Monsarrat (1910 - 1979))

“It is not the ship so much as the skillful sailing that assures the prosperous voyage.” -George William Curtis (1824 - 1892)

“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it!” -Jonathan Winters (Jonathan Harshman Winters III (1925 - 2013))

Math Problem: A ship has a ladder with twelve rungs, and each rung is a foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water’s surface. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at its highest, how many rungs will be under water?
Solution: None; as the tide rises, the ship and the ladder attached to it will rise with the tide.

“When a man comes to like a sea life, he is not fit to live on land.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

Ships

Little ships
     Must keep to the shore;
Larger ships
   May venture more.

by Author Unknown

“Out of sight of land the sailor feels safe. It is the beach that worries him.” -Charles G. Davis (Charles Gerard Davis (1870 - 1959))

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.” [English translation]
“In tranquillo esse quisque gubernator potest.” [original Latin]
-Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.): “Sententiae,” Maxim 358

“Sailing ships: Mast transit.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

“These tall and handsome ships, swaying imperceptibly on tranquil waters, these sturdy ships, with their inactive, nostalgic appearance, don’t they say to us in a speechless tongue: When do we cast off for happiness?” -Charles Baudelaire (1821 - 1867)

“Two captains will sink the ship.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb

“Too many captains run the ship aground.” -Author Unknown: Greek proverb
(Similar to: “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” -Author Unknown)

I must go down to the sea again,
     to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship
     and a star to steer her by.
-John Masefield: “Sea-Fever”

“You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don’t let yourself indulge in vain wishes.” -Rabindranath Tagore (1861 - 1941)

“Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.” -Author Unknown

“However bad the storm you are in, there is still Sun somewhere over your horizon.” -Ken Nutt (Ken Eric Nutt (born 1951))

“When in danger or in doubt, port your helm and come about.” -Author Unknown

“All the water in the world, however hard it tries, can never sink the smallest ship unless it gets inside, and all the evil in the world, the blackest kind of sin, can never hurt you in the least, unless you let it in.” -Author Unknown

“In a calm sea every man is a pilot.” -Author Unknown: Spanish proverb

A shipwrecked sailor spent nearly three years on a desert island. One morning he was overjoyed to see a ship in the bay and a boat pulling onto shore. As the boat grounded on the beach, an officer jumped out and threw the sailor a pile of newspapers. “The captain’s compliments,” said the officer, “and will you please read through these and let him know whether you still wish to be rescued?”

A fully loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes a least 20 minutes to come to a full stop.

Danny: Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
Tammy: Because the captain was standing on the deck.

“Men in a ship are always looking up, and men ashore are usually looking down.” -John Masefield (1878 - 1967)

The right side of a ship is called the starboard side because astronavigators would stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side is called the port side because that is the side put in on at ports. Fore refers to the front or forward part of a ship, and aft refers to the back, or after part of a ship.

“A man should learn to sail in all winds.” -Author Unknown: Italian proverb

“I don’t know who named them swells. There’s nothing swell about them. They should have named them awfuls.” -Hugo Vihlen (born 1931)

“Ships are the nearest things to dreams that hands have ever made.” -Robert N. Rose

The first sailing boats were built in ancient Egypt.

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” -John George Hermanson (1866 - 1944)

“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” -Author Unknown

Friendship: A ship full of friends.

Mary: What kind of ship doesn’t sink?
Gary: A friendship.

“There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship.” -Author Unknown

“To sail is necessary.” [English translation]
“Navigare necesse est.” [original Latin]
-Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus (5th century C.E.)

“The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.” -Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794): “The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” (1776 - 1789), Volume 1 (1776), Chapter 68

Jen: Why do sailors have trouble learning the alphabet?
Ben: Because ships sail from A to B with sea between.

“The goal is not to sail the boat, but rather to help the boat sail herself.”
-John Rousmaniere (born 1944)

Johnny: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
Jenny: A nervous wreck.

“The sea is the same as it has been since before men ever went on it in boats.” -Ernest Hemingway (Ernest Miller Hemingway (1899 - 1961))

“A small hole can sink a big ship.” -Author Unknown: Russian proverb

Mackerel skies and mares tails,
Soon will be time to shorten sails.
-Author Unknown

“To reach a port, we must sail - sail, not lie at anchor - sail, not drift.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt (Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882 - 1945))

Riddle:
I fly to any foreign parts,
     Assisted by my spreading wings:
My body holds an hundred hearts,
     Nay, I will tell you stranger things:
When I am not in haste I ride,
     And then I mend my pace anon;
I issue fire from my side:
     You witty youths, this riddle answer.
Solution:
I am a sailing ship.

“Don’t let the fear of a storm keep you from sailing the ship.” -Calyn Whitley

“If my ship sails from sight, it doesn’t mean my journey ends, it simply means the river bends.” -J. Enoch Powell (John Enoch ‘Enoch’ Powell (1912 - 1998))

“The good seaman is known in bad weather.” -Author Unknown

“Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.” -Charles Cook

“A sailor without a destination cannot hope for a favorable wind.” -Leon Tec (1919 - 2013)

“‘A man who is not afraid of the sea will soon be drownded,’ he said, ‘for he will be going out on a day he shouldn’t. But we do be afraid of the sea, and we do only be drownded now and again.’” -John Millington Synge (1871 - 1909): “The Aran Islands” (1907)

Two ships were loaded with cargoes of paint. One had red paint, and the other had blue paint. The ships collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

“I keep sailing on in this middle passage. I am sailing into the wind and the dark. But I am doing my best to keep my boat steady and my sails full.” -Arthur Ashe (1943 - 1993)

Horatio Nelson, one of England’s most illustrious admirals, was throughout his lifetime never able to find a cure for his seasickness.

“No wind is a good wind if you don’t know where the harbor is.” -Author Unknown: proverb

“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“Make not your sail too big for your ballast.” -Author Unknown: English proverb

The Titanic was built in Belfast, Ireland. However, it was not the place where it was built that led to its sinking, or the quality of the work, but the design of the ship that resulted in its sinking.

Red sky by morning, sailor take warning.
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight.
-Author Unknown

“No man can say he has been to sea until he has lost sight of land.” -Author Unknown

1 nautical knot equals 1.852 kilometers, or 1.150 miles, per hour. It does not refer to the knots a sailor ties in a rope.

“At sea, I learned how little a person needs, not how much.” -Robin Lee Graham (born 1949)

“A sailor’s joys are as simple as a child’s.” -Bernard Moitessier (1925 - 1994)

“A small Leak will sink a great Ship.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia” (1732), number 407

“No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“He that will not sail till all dangers are over must never put to sea.” -Thomas Fuller (1608 - 1661)

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A Pleasant Ship

I saw a ship a-sailing,
     A-sailing on the sea,
And oh! it was all laden
     With pretty things for thee!

There were comfits in the cabin,
     And apples in the hold;
The sails were made of silk,
     And the masts were made of gold.

The four-and-twenty sailors
     That stood between the decks
Were four-and-twenty white mice,
     With chains about their necks.

The captain was a duck,
     With a packet on his back,
And when the ship began to move,
     The captain said “Quack! Quack!”

by Emilie Poulsson (Anne Emilie Poulsson (1853 - 1939))

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“We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.” -Author Unknown

“There are parts of a ship which taken by themselves would sink. The engine would sink. The propeller would sink. But when the parts of a ship are built together, they float. So with the events of my life. Some have been tragic. Some have been happy. But when they are built together, they form a craft that floats and is going places. And I am comforted.” -Ralph W. Sockman (Ralph Washington Sockman (1889 - 1970))

“Life isn’t about waiting for the winds to change, it’s about learning to adjust your sails.” -Author Unknown

“Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.” -H. Melville (Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)): “Moby Dick” (1851), opening line

“I wanted freedom, open air, and adventure. I found it on the sea.” -Alaine Gerbault (Alain Jacques Georges Marie Gerbault (1893 - 1941))

In the days of yore, ships sailed over the seas, carrying exotic cargoes and sailors who regaled landlubbers with stories of strange faraway places, much like the strangeness following this topic in the days of now . . . on MFOL!

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Money

10/28/2019

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Origami, the art and craft of paper folding, is one way to have fun with your money . . . can you think of others?

“A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. It certainly may secure all the myrtle and turkey part of it.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817): “Mansfield Park” (1814)

Throughout history, people have used cocoa beans, elephants, grain, animal hides, fishhooks, and tea as money. Before standardized money was invented, people bartered. We have 4 nanny goats and 2 jars of pickles - would anyone like to trade us 6 hens, a rooster, and a wheelbarrow for them? (Just kidding - we need to keep our goats because they recycle our garbage, and we ate all the pickles!)

“It’s good to have money and the things money can buy. But it’s good too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy” -George H. Lorimer (George Horace Lorimer (1867 - 1937))

The oldest known standardized money was small pieces of obsidian (a type of volcanic rock) used by people in ancient Lydia (now Turkey) as far back as 12,000 B.C.E. The first coins to have their value printed on them were minted around 600 B.C.E., also in Lydia. The coins were made of electrum, which is an alloy (a mixture of metals) consisting of gold and silver.

“Money really isn’t everything. If it was, what would we buy with it?” -Tom Wilson (Thomas Albert Wilson, Senior (1931 - 2011))

A group of Pacific islanders called the Yaps once used donut-shaped stones as money. Some stones were as large as 3.66 meters (12 feet) across. We are going to need a bigger canoe.

“A man who both spends and saves money is the happiest man, because he has both enjoyments.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

The United States Bullion Depository at Fort Knox, Kentucky holds 4,578 metric tons of gold. The New York Federal Reserve is even bigger, at 7,000 metric tons. Combined, they hold a staggering 7.5 percent of all the gold ever refined by humans on Earth.

“If you have money, you are wise and good-looking and you can sing well, too.” -Author Unknown: Yiddish proverb

Why is American money green? Ink colors have unique physical characteristics because they contain different ingredients. Green ink was chosen for American dollars because its ingredients make it more resistant to fading, flaking, and discoloration than other colors of ink.

Money

Is it me or the nature of money
That’s odd and peculiar? Funny,
But when I have dough
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

by Author Unknown

The bird pictured on the American silver dollar was a real eagle named Peter. He was adopted by people who worked at the United States Mint, and used from 1830 to 1836 as a model for their drawings. When he passed on after getting his wing injured in the coining press, they stuffed him, and he is still on display in the lobby of the mint.

“Some people seem to think they are worth a lot of money simply because they happen to have a lot of money.” -Author Unknown

Worn-out coins are melted down and used to make new coins, and worn-out bills are shredded. In the past, worn out bills were burned into ashes. Now, some shredded bills are recycled into roof shingles and fireplace logs. A farm in Delaware mulches more than four tons of cash into compost every day.

“Never buy anything simply because it is expensive.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))

‘ATM’ is an abbreviation for ‘Automatic Teller Machine’ also known as a ‘cash machine.’ The next time you hear someone say, “I need to go to the ATM machine,” he or she is really saying, “I need to go to the Automatic Teller Machine machine,” saying ‘machine’ twice, which is redundant. There are more than 1.8 million ATM’s in the world, putting an equal or greater number of human bank tellers out of work. There is even an ATM in Antarctica, so now you have a good reason to visit the land of penguins.

“Money is what you’d get on beautifully without if only other people weren’t so crazy about it.” -Margaret Case Harriman (Margaret Case Morgan Harriman (1904 - 1966))

Some American pennies made in 1982 and all American pennies made after 1982 contain zinc that has been electroplated, or coated, with copper. We have not tested this yet, but some folks say the coins can be mixed with mulch or soil in gardens to repel slugs. The slugs supposedly receive an unpleasant electric shock when they touch the copper and zinc combination.

Overheard: I would not say that inflation is making my life impossible, but I am now starving on an income that I used to dream about.

It is believed that paper money was invented in the 9th century in China. Its original name was ‘flying money’ because it could easily blow away in the wind. However, they used it just briefly. The first time paper currency was consistently used was by the French in the 18th century.

Overheard: I am having an ‘out of money’ experience.

In the 1600’s, a penny was worth about $1.66 in today’s money.

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a huge research staff to study the problem.” -Burton Hillis (pseudonym of William Edward ‘Bill’ Vaughan (1915 - 1977))

The average life of American bills and coins in circulation (in use) is as follows.
- $1 bill: 18 months.
- $5 bill: 2 years.
- $10 bill: 3.5 years.
- $20 bill: 4 years.
- $50 bill: 3.5 years.
- $100 bill: 9 years.
- All coins: 30 years.

“Make all you can. Save all you can. Give all you can.” -John Wesley (1703 - 1791)

Many coins have ridges, reeding, grooves, or letterings around their edges to discourage theft. Coins without such protection can have some of the gold, silver, or platinum filed off or shaved off their edges, making the coins slightly smaller, without immediately changing their overall appearance. In the distant past, shavings were collected and sold or were used to make counterfeit coins. While this type of theft is rare in modern times, because most coins are made of less valuable metals, the ridges, reeding, grooves, and letterings on the edges of coins remain as a tradition, and also can be a form of readable ‘braille’ for the visually-impaired.

Jacqueline: What is the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a crazy rabbit?
Jacque: One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

The United States Mint is not the only place where money is made. Several organizations and communities within the United States make their own ‘money,’ and you may have used some of it. If you have ever been to a Disney theme park, you have used ‘Disney’ money. ‘Green stamps’ issued by grocers to their customers is another type of ‘money.’ Tokens used for playing video games are a form of money. Many colleges produce their own money for student use, and a few small communities, such as Ithaca, New York, make money to encourage spending at local small businesses. People exchange United States cash for organization or community dollars, or they earn them, and then use them to make purchases.

“I have enough money to last the rest of my life - unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason (Yacov Moshe Moaza (born 1931))

American dollar bills were first printed in their present size in 1929. All American dollar bills are now 2.625 inches wide by 6.125 inches long (2 and 5/8th inches wide x 6 and 1/8th inches long). American quarter coins are 1 inch in diameter. These are handy facts to know if you need to measure an object but have no ruler with you - just take out your money and use it to measure.

“What the country really needs is a good five cent nickel.” -Franklin P. Adams (Franklin Pierce Adams (1881 - 1960))

Most money in the world today is fiat money, meaning that it is not backed by gold or other precious metals, or even anything of tangible value. The term ‘fiat’ comes from the Latin for ‘let it be done.’ Fiat money is accepted because a government declares it official money, and it is backed by only the faith and trust in the government and the citizens.

“I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” -Joe Louis (Joseph Louis Barrow (1914 - 1981)): as attributed in Connie Robertson: “Book of Humorous Quotations” (1998), page 122

Where was your money before it reached you? Did it travel around the country or did it stay in one town all its life? To find out, visit the money-tracking website www.WheresGeorge.com and enter the serial numbers found on your money.

“Actually, I have no regard for money. Aside from its purchasing power, it’s completely useless as far as I’m concerned.” -Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)

Chrematophobia is a persistent fear of money. ‘Chrematophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘chrimata’ meaning ‘money’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ Among the sufferers of this phobia, some worry that they might mismanage money. Others worry that money might be ‘the root of all evil.’ Actually, this is a common misunderstanding; the actual quotation from “The Bible” is, “love of money is the root of all evil.” So, it might be okay to have money, but not okay to have tender feelings for it.

“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in “P. S. I Love You,” compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Junior

The word ‘cash’ originated in ancient China, where people carried coins in bundles held together by strings, which would have prevented the loss of individual coins. A bundle of one hundred coins was called ‘one cash.’ The Chinese possible got their word for cash from Portugal, where people called their coins ‘caixa’ (pronounced as ‘cash-a’).

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free yearly trip around the Sun, which many people find hard to pass up.

Has your money been in an unfortunate accident? The Office of Currency Standards will replace damaged money if a person can present at least 51 percent of the note to officials. Every year, the United States Treasury handles around 30,000 claims and redeems mutilated currency valued at over $30 million.

“You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy.” -Garth Brooks (Troyal Garth Brooks (born 1962))

Some of the finest examples of public art are on the money you carry in your pocket or purse.

Money does not grow on trees - not even on genetically modified ones . . .

Though sometimes called ‘paper money,’ American currency is fabric, not paper. It is composed of 25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton, and has tiny red and blue synthetic fibers of different lengths evenly distributed throughout it. If it were paper, it would easily fall apart when you leave it in the pockets of clothes that you put into your washing machine. It is said that many years ago, in Benjamin Franklin’s day, people repaired torn bills with a needle and thread.

“Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.” -Adam Smith (1723 - 1790)

According to several studies, the money people carry in their pockets, wallets, and purses is truly disgusting stuff. Both bills and coins can have contaminants on them, including pathogens such as salmonella and E.coli. Pathogens are tiny organisms that can be seen only with a microscope, and which can make people sick. To avoid illness, always wash your hands after handling money and before handling food, whether you are at home or in a restaurant.

“If money does not make you happy, give it back.” -Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

The word ‘coin’ is from the Latin word ‘cuneus’ meaning ‘wedge,’ because the dye for stamping metal coins was wedge-shaped.

“Money isn’t everything, but lack of money isn’t anything.” -Franklin Pierce Adams (1881 - 1960): as quoted in Robert E. Drennan, editor: “The Algonquin Wits” (1985)

The currency most traded around the world, and especially in international transactions, is the American dollar. Other heavily traded currencies are the Eurozone euro, the Japanese yen, and the British pound sterling.

“Recession: A period of time when we have to do without things our grandparents never even heard of.” -Author Unknown

The Latin phrase ‘E Pluribus Unum,’ meaning ‘Out of Many, One,’ appearing on American currency, refers to the United States of America being one country made out of many states.

“The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.” -Katharine Whitehorn (Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928))

The word ‘dollar’ is derived from the German word ‘taler,’ an abbreviation of Joachimstaler, a town that was near a silver mine. The silver from the mine was used to make taler, a type of silver coin.

He that makes money before he gets wit
Will be but a short while the master of it.
-Thomas Fuller
(‘Wit’ in this instance is interchangeable with ‘wisdom.’)

British monarch Queen Elizabeth II holds the record for appearing on more currency than any other person. Her portrait has appeared on the currency of more than 30 different countries.

“Spare no expense in making everything as economical as possible.” -Author Unknown

The motto ‘In God We Trust’ first appeared on American money between 1864 and 1873 on the two-cent coin. It reappeared in 1955, and in 1963, the motto appeared on American paper currency. ‘In God We Trust’ now appears on all new coins and bills.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

The country with the worst inflation in the world is Zimbabwe. In 2008, it experienced 6,500,000,000,000,000,000,000 percent inflation.

“If money is your only hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.” -Henry Ford (1863 - 1947)

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” -Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972): as quoted in the “Observer” (13 April 1958)

Nickel: A dollar after the taxes have been subtracted from it.

“Money is the common denominator to all, yet holds title to nothing.” -Author Unknown

Most money in the world today is not in the form of bills or coins, but exists as ones and zeros inside computers at government facilities as well as at financial institutions such as banks, credit unions, and brokerage houses.

“The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.” -Benjamin Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))

How much should humor, inspiration, and learning cost? We think zero money seems about right . . . more free stuff coming up next . . . on MFOL!

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Habits and Routines

10/22/2019

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“Consider carefully all things that you do, because a single choice - even if you tell yourself it will be only just this once - can begin the establishment of either a bad habit or a good habit.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“All bad habits start gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

“It takes a few weeks of work to build a new habit. Once the habit is in place, it must be guarded diligently to prevent a reversion to the old ways, but keeping watch is not stressful or difficult once the new habit is secure.” -Charlotte Mason

Good Habit

I dreamed that I found a good habit,
It scurried and skipped like a rabbit.
     It was shiny and neat,
     Polite and quite sweet,
But escaped when I reached out to grab it.

by Author Unknown

“Focus on the good habit you want to do, not the bad habit you don’t want to do. Overcome the bad with good.” -Joyce Meyer (born Pauline Joyce Hutchison (born 1943))

“Folks with good habits also seem to have most of the good luck.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in “The Country Parson”

“Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think.” -Martin Seligman (Martin E. P. ‘Marty’ Seligman (born 1942)): “Learned Optimism” (1991)

“Habits form character and character is destiny.” -Joseph Kaines: “Our Daily Faults and Failings” (21 October 1883) address

Habit

How shall I a habit break?
     As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
     As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread the strands we twist
     Till they bind us, neck and wrist.
Thread by thread the patient hand
     Must untwine, ere free we stand.
As we builded, stone by stone,
     We must toil, unhelped, alone,
     Till the wall is overthrown.

by John Boyle O’Reilly (1844 - 1890): “A Builder’s Lesson”

“Repetition of the same thought or physical action develops into a habit which, repeated frequently enough, becomes an automatic reflex.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)

“Every grown-up man consists wholly of habits, although he is often unaware of it and even denies having any habits at all.” -Georges Gurdjieff (1866 - 1949)

“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.” -John C. Maxwell (John Calvin Maxwell (born 1947))

“Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice.” -William James (1842 - 1910)

“Any act often repeated soon forms a habit: and habit allowed, steadily gains in strength. At first it may be but as the spider’s web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.” -Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894): as quoted in Tryon Edwards, editor: “A Dictionary of Thoughts: Being a Cyclopedia of Laconic Quotations from the Best Authors of the World, Both Ancient and Modern” (1891), page 212

“Curious things, habits. People themselves never knew they had them.” -Agatha Christie (Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie (1890 - 1976))

“Make it a point to do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)): “Following the Equator” (1897)

“Powerful indeed is the empire of habit.” -Syrus (Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))

“Cultivate only the habits that you are willing should master you.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“The fixity of habit is generally in direct proportion to its absurdity.” -Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)

Each year one vicious habit rooted out,
In time might make the worst Man good throughout.
-Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): “Poor Richard’s Almanack” (1738)

“Habit, if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.” -Augustine of Hippo (also known as Aurelius Augustinus Hipponensis (C.E. 354 - C.E. 430)): as quoted in James Wood, editor: “Dictionary of Quotations from Ancient and Modern, English and Foreign Sources” (1899), page 138

“Only a habit can subdue another habit.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996)): “The Greatest Salesman in the World” (1968)

“The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965))

“Good habits once established are just as hard to break as bad habits.” -Robert Puller

To rise at six, to dine at ten,
To sup at six, to sleep at ten,
Makes a man live for ten times ten.
-Author Unknown: inscription in Victor Hugo’s study

“Good habits result from resisting temptation.” -Author Unknown

“A nail is driven out by another nail, habit is overcome by habit.” [English translation]
“Clavus clavo pellitur, consuetudo consuetudine vincitur.” [original Latin]
-Erasmus (Desiderius Gerhard Erasmus (1469 - 1536)): “Diluculum”

“Old habits are strong and jealous.” -Dorothea Brande (1893 - 1948)

“Habit is a cable; we weave a thread each day, and at last we cannot break it.” -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)

“Choose always the way that seems the best, however rough it may be; custom will soon render it easy and agreeable.” -Pythagoras of Samos (about 570 B.C.E. - about 496 B.C.E.): as quoted in Tryon Edwards, editor: “A Dictionary of Thoughts: Being a Cyclopedia of Laconic Quotations from the Best Authors of the World, both Ancient and Modern” (1908), page 101

“It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky (Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky (1821 - 1881))

“We are what we repeatedly do.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)

“A habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why most of us have so many of them.” -Frank A. Clark (Frank Atherton Clark (1911 - 1991))

“Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” -Author Unknown: Yiddish proverb

In ways and thoughts of weakness and of wrong,
Threads turn to cords, and cords to cables strong.
-Isaac Williams (1802 - 1865): “The Baptistery, Or the Way of Eternal Life” (1842 - 1844), ‘Image 18’

“Not for nothing is habit called a second and a kind of manufactured nature.” -Augustine of Hippo (also known as Aurelius Augustinus Hipponensis (C.E. 354 - C.E. 430)): “On Music” (C.E. 389), Book VI, chapter 19

Overheard: Sorry, force of habit!

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)): “Pudd’nhead Wilson” (1894), chapter 15 epigraph: ‘Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar’

Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18)): “Metamorphoses” (about C.E. 2), Book XV: ‘The Worship of Aesculapius, lines 155 and 156; as translated by John Dryden (1700)

“Make good habits and they will make you.” -Parks Cousins

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“A single bad habit will mar an otherwise faultless character, as an ink-drop soileth the pure white page.” -Hosea Ballou (1771 - 1852)

Habit with him was all the test of truth;
“It must be right: I’ve done it from my youth.”
-George Crabbe (1754 - 1832): “The Borough” (1810), Letter 3: ‘The Vicar’

“Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you.” -Rob Gilbert

“To uproot an old habit is sometimes a more painful thing, and vastly more difficult, than to wrench out a tooth.” -Samuel Smiles (1812 - 1904): “Self-Help; with Illustrations of Character and Conduct” (1859), chapter 13: ‘Character: The True Gentleman’

“The will that yields the first time with some reluctance does so the second time with less hesitation, and the third time with none at all, until presently the habit is adopted.” -Henry Giles (1809 - 1882)

“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.” -John Dryden (1631 - 1700)

“Habit is stronger than nature.” [English translation]
“Consuetudo natura potentior est.” [original Latin]
-Quintus Curtius Rufus: “De Rebus Gestis Alexandri Magni,” V, 5, 21

“A large part of Christian virtue consists in right habits.” -William Paley (1743 - 1805)

“Habit is a compromise effected between an individual and his environment.” -Samuel Beckett (1906 - 1989): “Proust” (1930) essay

“Each day, compel yourself to do something you would rather not do.” -Author Unknown

“The best way to stop a bad habit is to never begin it.” -J. C. Penney (James Cash ‘J. C.’ Penney (1875 - 1971))

“First we form habits, then they form us.” -Rob Gilbert

“We must make automatic and habitual, as early as possible, as many useful actions as we can.” -William James (1842 - 1910)

“The habits you practice every day will make you or break you.” -John C. Maxwell (John Calvin Maxwell (born 1947))

“The secret to permanently breaking any bad habit is to love something greater than the habit.” -Bryant McGill (Bryant H. McGill (born 1969))

“Habit is, as it were, a second nature.” [English translation]
“Consuetude quasi altera natura effici.” [original Latin]
-Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero, also known as Tully (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)): “De finibus bonorum et malorum” (“On the ends of good and evil”) (45 B.C.E.) V, 25, ’Tusculanarum Disputationum,’ II, 17

“It’s not what you do once in a while, it’s what you do day in and day out that makes the difference.” -Jenny Craig (born 1932)

“The worst boss anyone can have is a bad habit.” -Monta Crane (Monta Mildred Henrichs Crane (1911 - 2009))

“Every day do at least one good thing.” [English translation in English characters]
“Ichi nichi, ichi zen.” [original Japanese in English characters]
「毎日少なくとも1つ良いことをする。」[original Japanese in Japanese characters]
-Author Unknown: Japanese proverb

“Habits are at first cobwebs, then cables.” -Author Unknown

“The way you react has been repeated thousands of times, and it has become a routine for you. You are conditioned to be a certain way. And that is the challenge: to change your normal reactions, to change your routine, to take a risk and make different choices.” -Don Miguel Ruiz (pseudonym of Miguel Ángel Ruiz Macias (born 1952))

“Habit had made the custom.” [English translation]
“Morem fecerat usus.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17.)): “Metamorphoses,” II, line 345

“If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.” -Jane Kirkpatrick (born 1946): “What Once We Loved” (2001)

“Infinite toil would not enable you to sweep away a mist, but by ascending a little you may often look over it altogether. So it is with our moral improvement; we wrestle fiercely with a vicious habit, which could have no hold upon us if we ascended to a higher atmosphere.” -Arthur Helps (1813 - 1875)

“Habits change into character.” -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.))

“Habits are formed by the repetition of particular acts. They are strengthened by an increase in the number of repeated acts. Habits are also weakened or broken, and contrary habits are formed, by the repetition of contrary acts.” -Mortimer J. Adler (Mortimer Jerome Adler (1902 - 2001))

“Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” -Nathanael Emmons (also spelled Nathaniel Emmons (1745 - 1840))

“Read something positive every night and listen to something helpful every morning.” -Tom Hopkins (born 1944)

“The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt till they are too strong to be broken.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784): as quoted in “The Guardian” (May 1871) magazine, volume XXII

“Habit is more important in determining our destiny than almost any other influence.” -Author Unknown

“Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888)

“A bad habit is nothing more than a mistake repeated.” -Author Unknown

“We should get into the habit of reading inspirational books, looking at inspirational pictures, hearing inspirational music, associating with inspirational friends.” -Alfred A. Montapert (Alfred Armand Montapert (1906 - 1997))

“Nothing is stronger than habit.” [English translation]
“Nil consuetudine majus.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)): “Ars Amatoria,” II, line 345

“It is worth a thousand pounds a year to have the habit of looking on the bright side of things.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“Pursuits become habits.” [English translation]
“Abeunt studia in mores.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)): “Heroides,” XV, line 83

“Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day just isn’t going to get the job done.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“It takes 3 weeks to break a habit, 6 weeks to develop a new habit, and 36 weeks to hardwire this new habit.” -Patrick Holford

“The secret of your success is hidden in your daily habits.” -Mike Murdock (born 1946)

“I never could have done what I have done without the habits of punctuality, order, and diligence, without the determination to concentrate myself on one subject at a time.” -Charles Dickens (Charles John Huffam Dickens (1812 - 1870))

This is MFOL! . . . if it’s getting to be a habit, at least it’s a good one!

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Charitable Giving and Helping

10/17/2019

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If you continually give, you will continually have . . .

This I’ve learned with time -
What you give, you always get back;
What you sow, you reap in kind.
Always be helpful to others
And give what you can spare;
For by being kind to strangers,
We may help angels unaware.
-Author Unknown

“The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have.” -Leonard Nimoy (1931 - 2015)

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.” -Clara Lucas Balfour (1808 - 1878): “Sunbeams for All Seasons: Counsels, Cautions, and Precepts” (1861)

A man there was, tho’ some did count him mad,
The more he cast away the more he had.
-John Bunyan: “Pilgrims Progress” (1678), Part Two, Section VII

In modern parlance, the above would be as follows.

A man there was, and they called him mad;
For the more he gave, the more he had.
-John Bunyan: “Pilgrims Progress” (1678), Part 2, Section 7

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans, also known as Marian Evans Cross (1819 - 1880)): “Middlemarch” (1871)

“Givers get given to.” -Russell Simmons

“We are not put on this Earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are always there for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.” -Jeff Warner

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The Art of Giving

We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the heart:
Love, kindness, joy, understanding, sympathy, tolerance, forgiveness.

We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the mind:
Ideas, dreams, purposes, ideals, principles, plans, inventions, projects, poetry.

We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the spirit:
Prayer, vision, beauty, aspiration, peace, faith.

We give of ourselves when we give the gift of words:
Encouragement, inspiration, guidance.

by Author Unknown

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“What counts most in life is what we do for others.” -Author Unknown

“It is not what we receive that enriches our lives, it is what we give.” -George Albert Smith

“Every charitable act is a stepping stone toward Heaven.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)

Al’s wife devoted a lot of her time to nursing sick birds, and Al was tired of it. One evening, he came home to find an oil-soaked seagull in his favorite chair while a duck on the ottoman pecked listlessly at a piece of fruit. He strode into the kitchen, where his wife was comforting a shivering little wren. “I can’t take it!” he yelled. “Please, dear,” she interrupted, “not in front of the children.”

“Give help rather than advice.” -Luc de Vauvenargues (Luc de Clapiers, marquis de Vauvenargues (1715 - 1747))

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” -John Andrew Holmes, Junior

“It’s not that successful people are givers; it is that givers are successful people.” -Patti Thor, website www.PattiThor.com

“The giver receives more than the receiver gets.” -Author Unknown

“I wondered why somebody didn’t do something, and then I realized I am somebody.” -Lily Tomlin (born 1939)

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” -Author Unknown

“He helps others most, who shows them how to help themselves.” -A. P. Gouthey (Aldolph Philip Gouthey (some sources show Adolph Philip Gouthey (1892 - 1963)))

Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948), the Indian statesman and spiritual leader, was noted for his humanity and selflessness. Gandhi was boarding a train one day, with several companions and followers, when his shoe fell from his foot and disappeared in the gap between the train and platform. Unable to retrieve it, he took off his other shoe and threw it down by the first. Responding to the puzzlement of his fellow travelers, Gandhi explained that a poor person who finds a single shoe is no better off - what is really helpful is for a poor person to find a pair of shoes.

“The hand that gives is the hand that gets.” [English translation]
“An làmb a bheir, ’s i a gheibh.” [original Scots Gaelic]
-Author Unknown

“Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful.” -Ric Ocasek (Richard Theodore Otcasek (1944 - 2019))

“When you find yourself in the position to help someone, be happy and feel blessed because God is answering that person’s prayer through you.” -Alberto P. Casing (similar quotation attributed to Becky Hernley Brown)

“What the poor need is not a hand-out, but a hand-up.” -Author Unknown

Riddle: Where is the best place to find a helping hand?
Answer: At the end of your own arm.

“The best helping hand that you will ever receive is the one at the end of your own arm.” -Fred Dehner

“As for charity, it is injurious unless it helps the recipient become independent of it.” -John D. Rockefeller, Junior (John Davison Rockefeller, Junior (1874 - 1960)): in an interview with Samuel Johnson Woolf, as quoted in S. J. Woolf (Samuel Johnson Woolf): “Drawn from Life” (1932)

“Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.” -Sally Koch

“When you help someone up a hill, you get nearer to the top yourself.” -Author Unknown

“Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)

“The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy of about six or seven years of age was standing out in front of a store window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags. A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing. They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, “Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday.” The little boy looked up at her and asked, “Are you God, Ma’am?” She smiled down at him and replied, “No son, I’m just one of His children.” The little boy said, “I knew you had to be some relation.”

“The first great gift we can bestow on others is a good example.” -Thomas Morell

“Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or pat on the back just might pull someone back from the edge.” -Carmelia Elliott

“The best gifts cost so little: the gift of your presence, your welcoming smile, a pleasant greeting, a handshake or embrace, a nod of acknowledgement, a moment in time, a listening ear, a simple joke, a hearty laugh.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Men are made stronger on realization that the helping hand they need is at the end of their own arm.” -Sidney J. Phillips

A big, strong man visited a church and asked to see the pastor’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable inclinations. “Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $2,400.” “How terrible!” exclaimed the pastor’s wife. “May I ask who you are?” The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Acts,’ chapter 20, verse 35

A policeman was taking an accident report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six-year-old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, “Are you a policeman?” “Yes, I am,” he said. “My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman - is that right?” the girl asked. “Yes, it is,” said the policeman. The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, “Okay, then, would you tie my shoe?”

Overheard: Sharing is caring!

“The whole worth of a kind deed lies in the love that inspires it.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”

“There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

“Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.” -Elizabeth Charlotte Lucy, Princess Bibesco (born Elizabeth Charlotte Lucy Asquith; also known as Elizabeth Bibesco and Elizabeth Asquith (1897 - 1945))

“A gift, with a kind countenance, is a double present.” -Author Unknown

“When you give someone a book, you don’t give him just paper, ink, and glue. You give him the possibility of a whole new life.” -Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)

“In helping others, we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us.” -Flora Edwards

“No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.” -Calvin Coolidge (John Calvin Coolidge (1872 - 1933))

“Don’t do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn’t do for themselves.” -Author Unknown

“One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but ends up impoverished.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Proverbs,’ chapter 11, verse 24

“Givers need set limits because takers rarely do.” -Rachel Wolchin

“There is no use whatever trying to help people who do not help themselves. You cannot push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb himself.” -Andrew Carnegie (1835 - 1919)

“There are people in life, and there are many of them, whom you will have to help as long as they live. They will never be able to stand alone.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)

“You have to give before you get.” -Author Unknown

“The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch.” -Catherine Hall

“It’s better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.” -Philip Gibbs (Philip Armand Hamilton Gibbs (1877 - 1862)): “England Speaks” (1935), page 328

A minister soliciting for a worthy cause was turned down by a curt letter that ended, “As far as I can see, this Christian business is one continuous give, give, give.” The clergyman wrote back, “Thank you for the best definition of the Christian life I have ever heard.”

“A candle lights others and consumes itself.” -Author Unknown: proverb

“It is good to be unselfish and generous; but don’t carry that too far. It will not do to give yourself to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow-trade.” -George Eliot -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880)): “Daniel Deronda” (1876)

“Keeping from falling, is better than helping up.” -Author Unknown

“Often we set out to make a difference in the lives of others, only to discover we have made a difference in our own.” -Ellie Braun-Haley

The Old Woman of Leeds

There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
    She worked for the poor
    Till her fingers were sore,
This pious old woman of Leeds!

by Author Unknown

“Giving opens the way for receiving.” -Florence Scovel Shinn (1871 - 1940)

“He that does good to another does good also to himself, not only in the consequence but in the very act. For the consciousness of well-doing is in itself ample reward.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Younger or simply Seneca (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))

“Always help someone. You might be the only one who does so.” -Author Unknown

“Giving is the secret of a healthy life. Not necessarily money, but whatever a person has of encouragement, sympathy, and understanding.” -John D. Rockefeller, Junior (John Davison Rockefeller, Junior (1874 - 1960))

“You cannot save everyone. Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much you try to help them.” -Bryant McGill (born 1969)

“The charity that is a trifle to us can be precious to others.” -Homer

“It is in giving that we receive.” -Francis of Assisi (1181 - 1226): “The Prayer of Saint Francis”

Unless someone like you
     cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.
     It’s not.
-Doctor Seuss (pseudonym of Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991)): “The Lorax” (1971)

“The good you do for others will eventually find its way back to you, as echo returns to sender.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“The more we give of anything, the more we shall get back.” -Grace Spear

“He belongs to so many benevolent societies that he is destitute.” -Edgar W. Howe (Edgar Watson ‘Ed’ Howe, also known as E. W. Howe (1853 - 1937))

“Even a little gift may be vast with loving kindness.” -Theocritus (about 300 B.C.E. - after 260 B.C.E.)

“You can get anything you want in this life if you help other people get what they want.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

“You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” -Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994): “Too Sensitive” (1967)

Thank you for joining us today on MFOL! . . . may the bluebird of happiness always be perched upon your windowsill . . .

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Apple Trees and Apples

10/14/2019

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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “Anaconda Standard” (23 December 1900) newspaper of Montana, United States of America

Jack: How do you make an apple turnover?
Jill: Roll it down a hill, silly.

According to school tradition, for a period of more than 100 years in the 18th and 19th centuries, the prestigious Yale University (at the time a college) of New Haven, Connecticut, United States of America, served its students the same supper every night: apple pie.

Brenda: What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet?
Melinda: A tooty-fruity!

A city slicker was driving through the country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner how much his apples were. “All you can pick for one dollar,” said the orchard’s owner. “All right,” said the city slicker. “I’ll take two dollars’ worth.”

Apple Trees and Apples Facts
- Apple trees produce apples after four or five years of age.
- Most apple blossoms (flowers) are pink when they open but gradually fade to white.
- Apple trees typically blossom in the Spring, with the fruit maturing in the Autumn (Fall).
- Apples can be eaten raw and are used to make juice, cider, vinegar, applesauce, dried apple slices, and many types of desserts and snacks.
- Apple trees can live for more than one hundred years.

Jimmy: What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
Jeremy: An outboard apple. (Or an apple on a golf course.)

Apples come in a variety of colors, including lime green, golden yellow, burgundy, and chocolate brown.

Apple varieties range in size from a little larger than a cherry to as big as a grapefruit. The largest apple ever picked weighed 1.417 kilograms (3 pounds and 2 ounces).

Apple: A nutritious lunchtime dessert that children will trade for factory-made sugary cupcakes that some people say are a cause of obesity, diabetes, tooth decay, and nutritional deficiencies that lead to poor overall health.

The energy from about fifty apple tree leaves is needed to produce one apple. The apples harvested from an average tree can fill 20 bushel-size boxes that weigh 42 pounds each. A bushel of apples will yield 20 to 24 quarts of applesauce. About 36 apples make a gallon of apple cider. Two pounds of apples go into one 9-inch apple pie.

Daniel: If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in an orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs to do the same thing?
Samuel: None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

Apple trees can grow to be more than 12 meters (40 feet) tall, so orchard owners must buy or rent equipment that can reach those heights at harvest-time. To avoid the cost and complications that come with the equipment, apple orchard owners are starting to grow dwarf apple trees. Their shorter heights make it easier to prune the branches and harvest the apples. The moral of the story is that taller is not always better - often shorter is.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

An Apple a Day

An apple a day
     Sends the doctor away.

Apple in the morning,
     Doctors take warning.

Roast apple at night,
     Starves the doctor outright.

Eat an apple going to bed,
     Knock a doctor on the head.

An apple each day, seven days a week,
     Rosy apple, rosy cheek.

by Author Unknown

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼ l i v e ☆ l a u g h ツ l o v e ♥ g r o w ☼
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

What are apple peels good for? The peels are a source of substances called ‘antioxidants.’ Antioxidants can help reduce the type of damage to cells that triggers some diseases. An average person’s daily requirement for fiber is 25 grams, and one apple has about five grams of fiber, two-thirds of which is found in the peel. Apples are a good source of the soluble fiber called pectin, which can help lower cholesterol levels.

Peach: When is an apple not an apple?
Plum: When it is a pineapple!

A persistent fear of apples is called malusdomesticaphobia. The word is derived from the scientific name for apples, ‘Malus domestica,’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ The apples are coming to get you! Sorry, we didn’t mean to frighten you. One way to lessen fear is to learn something about what you are fearful of - what would you like to know about apples? It is also possible for a fear of apples to originate with something a person associates with apples. For example, maybe a person was bullied as a child by someone who habitually ate apples, or maybe a person was brought up in extreme poverty, neglect, and abuse, with apples being one of the few available foods, and the person fears returning to live again that part of his or her past.

Lucinda: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
Lucille: It keeps everyone away!

The apple is commonly known as the supposed forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden. But contrary to this erroneous belief, there is no mention of the apple as the forbidden fruit in “The Bible.” The forbidden fruit mentioned in “The Bible” is referred to as the “fruit from the Tree of Knowledge,” with no specification as to which kind of fruit. It was Hugo Van Der Goes who first implicated the apple as the forbidden fruit in C.E. 1470 in his painting, “The Fall of Man.” After that, it became popular to depict the apple as the forbidden fruit. So, the apple is not the fruit that got Adam and Eve into trouble with God. People can confidently eat an apple without worrying that they are committing a transgression.

Bertha: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Bert: Finding only half a worm.

Eat an apple on going to bed,
And you’ll keep the doctor from earning his bread.
-Author Unknown: Pembrokeshire proverb as quoted in “Notes and Queries” (1866)

Everybody likes apples! Animals that eat apples include horses, monkeys, squirrels, chimpanzees, bears, raccoons, rabbits, and your younger brother.

The world’s longest continuous length of apple peel was created by the then 16 years of age Kathy Wafler Madison on 16 October 1976 in Rochester, New York, United States of America. It was 52.5 meters (172 feet and 4 inches) long. She grew up to become a sales manager for an apple tree nursery.

Eat an Apple

Eat an apple;
Save the core.
Plant the seeds.
And grow some more.

by Author Unknown

Sweet, flavorful, crunchy, colorful apples are a great alternative to candy, chips, soda pop, and other processed, chemically-laden junk foods and junk beverages. An apple will provide you with energy, fill you up, and at about 84 percent water, will quench your thirst. Apples contain high levels of boron, which stimulates electrical activity in the brain, increasing mental alertness and improving memory. Apples may not be rich in calcium, but the high level of boron also makes them a great food to prevent osteoporosis and strengthen bones. Apples are fat-free, sodium-free, and cholesterol-free. A typical medium-size apple contains about 80 calories.

“Good apple pies are a considerable part of our domestic happiness.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)

The ‘Adam’s apple’ is so-called because of a popular idea that it was created when the forbidden fruit got stuck in Adam’s throat when he swallowed it, causing a visible lump in the throat.

Inside every apple is a five-pointed star, somewhat resembling a pentagram in shape. If you want to see the star, ask a responsible grownup to cut an apple in half horizontally, or through its girth.

Torey: What is the difference between apples and worms?
Corey: Apple pies are more common than worm pies.

Apples have five seed pockets, or carpels that contains seeds. The number of seeds per carpel is determined by the vigor and health of the plant. Additionally, different varieties of apples can have different numbers of seeds. On average, apples each have 10 seeds.

A man traveling through the country stopped at a roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he commented that they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup.” The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.” “That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?”

Apples contain malic acid, a chemical used in some teeth whitening products, which helps dissolve stains. For more information about this, be sure to ask your dentist on your next visit to his or her office.

The saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” is derived from an old Welsh adage, “To eat an apple before going to bed, will make the doctor beg his bread.” While eating apples does not guarantee good health, they do have amazing nutritional value and recognized health benefits.

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” -Martin Luther (1483 - 1546)

Commercial grade wax is applied to some apples after they are harvested and cleaned, in an effort to keep out bacteria and slow the ripening process. It also makes them shinier. The waxes are made of natural ingredients.

“Surely the apple is the noblest of fruits.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862): “Wild Apples” (1862)

Let’s consider liquefied apples. The difference between apple juice and apple cider is that apple juice is squeezed from only the usually white flesh of the fruit, while apple cider is squeezed from the whole apple - skin, seeds, stem, and all - which gives it a fuller body and deeper color. Additionally, apple juice is pasteurized, or flash heated to reduce the level of active naturally occurring microorganisms, and apple cider is generally not. Freshly pressed apple juice will immediately turn brown upon contact with air because of oxidation; however, a way to prevent this from happening is to add a few drops of lemon juice or lime juice to it, which helps prevent oxidation. One other liquid made from apples is apple cider vinegar, which is derived from the fermentation, or controlled spoilage, of apple mush. Apple cider vinegar is a brownish yellow color.

Apples for Sale! Apple varieties tend to have names chosen in hopes of making them commercially successful, just as other products have brand names. The ‘Delicious’ variety of apples originally was called ‘Hawkeyes.’ Without doubt, the name change makes them more appealing. There are thousands more varieties of apples with great names, including Gala, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith. Even the saying that ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’ might be just a clever way to promote apple-awareness without spending an arm and a leg on advertising.

“Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))

Archeologists have found evidence that humans have been enjoying apples since at least 6500 B.C.E. Apple trees are thought to have originated in Central Asia between the Caspian Sea and the Black Sea, in the area of present-day Kazakhstan. The only apple variety native to North America is the crabapple. Other varieties of apples were brought to North America by European settlers, who planted orchards all across the continent. The first apple tree in the United States of America was planted in 1620 by pilgrims who traveled from Europe by sea to what was then the Massachusetts Bay Colony. In time, the early settlers would discover that hardy varieties of apples could be successfully grown farther north than most other fruits because apple trees blossom late in the Spring, minimizing any frost damage.

Johnny Appleseed was the nickname of John Chapman (1774 - 1845), a pious American pioneer nurseryman who planted apple seeds in Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois.

Crab apples are small green apples with origins in North America. They are often just a little bigger than a cherry. They are not as popular for eating right off the tree as other varieties of apples are, because crab apples are bitter and tart in flavor and possess hardly any sweetness. However, they still grow wild in many areas, meaning they are often free for the taking. Crab apples can be used to make crab apple jelly for spreading on toast or used in fancy cuisine similar to the way mint jelly is used.

Martin: When is an apple a grouch?
Marvin: When it is a crab apple.

The word ‘apple’ is derived from the Old English word ‘aeppel.’ The Celtic word for ‘apple’ is the similar sounding ‘abhall.’

Granny Smith apples were originally cultivated in 1868 by Maria Ann Smith of Eastwood, New South Wales, Australia.

More than 7,500 varieties of apples are grown worldwide. The top apple-producing countries are China, the United States, Turkey, Poland, and Italy. The largest importers of apples are Russia, Germany, and the United Kingdom. Apples are available year-around in most areas thanks to bulk transport and climate-controlled warehouses. Apples can be shipped from orchards by truck, train, and cargo ship to warehouses where they are stored at low temperatures for as long as a year, and then the temperature is raised to cause them to ripen shortly before selling them to buyers.

A large shiny red apple is a traditional gift a student might bring to a teacher - and the student does not have to wait for Teacher Appreciation Day, also known as National Teacher Day, which is observed on the Tuesday of the first full week in May of each year. Rather than a single apple, why not give a teacher a full bushel size basket of apples?

There are so many apple varieties that if you were to eat an apple a day, it would take you more than 27 years to try them all - and still more new varieties of apples are produced every year.

About 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States, including 100 varieties that are grown commercially. Apples are grown in all 50 states and commercially in 36 states. The top apple producing states are Washington, New York, Michigan, Pennsylvania, California, and Virginia. Red Delicious is the most popular and most-produced apple in the United States, and Golden Delicious is the second most popular, with Granny Smith coming in third. The apple is the state fruit of Illinois, Minnesota, New York, Vermont, Washington, and West Virginia.

Some people claim that apples have a rosy aroma because they come from the Rose family, which is also known as ‘Rosaceae’ or ‘Rosacea.’

Apples Quiz
- How are apples harvested, or gathered?
- What are five uses for apples?
- Can you name two animals that eat apples?

Bobbing for apples at parties is possible because fresh apples are twenty-five percent air, making them buoyant. Buoyant means they float in water.

It is said that the custom of ‘apple polishing’ hails from the little red schoolhouses of yore, when young children whose math skills were less than exemplary sought to win their teacher’s favor instead with a bright, shiny apple. Remember this ditty: An apple for the teacher will always do the trick, when you don’t know your lesson in arithmetic.

Apples Quiz Answers
- Apples are harvested by hand-picking them off the trees, although machines that shake trees to cause the apples to fall to nets or tarps placed below the trees can be used.
- Uses for apples include making cider, juice, vinegar, pies, and snacks.
- Two animals that eat apples are horses and rabbits (and many other animals as well).

“Everybody’s 12 years old in an apple orchard.” -Rachael Ray (Rachael Domenica Ray (born 1968))

Crunch, crunch - mmm! Now that’s a good apple. More fun continues below . . . or you can join the stampede of people going out to get apples . . .

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Pirates

10/9/2019

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Here we have one of those fancy ‘made for the movies’ pirates. A real pirate would be wearing filthy rags and have the dreaded scurvy, and because we would not want to disgust you by showing you such a person, we won’t! Now let’s all make pirate noises. Rrr! Arrr! Rrr-rrr-rrr!

Rich: What are pirates afraid of?
Rick: The darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!

Serendipity: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
Felicity: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgyle!

Agatha: What does a fancy pirate add to his dinner?
Agnes: A garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnish!

Pirates: No-good people who most assuredly arrive at a no-good end.

Real-life pirates are murderous, thieving, low-life criminal scum who steal ships and have historically met their end on the hangman’s noose, and in recent times have been sent to filthy, overcrowded, rat-infested prisons for the remainder of their miserable days, but we will have some fun at their expense nonetheless.

Morris: Where do pirates keep their cookies?
Morton: In cookie jarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!

Amelia: How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook-hand?
Emily: An arm and a leg!

William the Crook

A pirate named William the Crook,
Serves his crew with his gigantic hook,
“I impale some marshmallows,
Toast them up for the fellows,
Make some cocoa, and read them a book.”

by Author Unknown

Forget about the treasure chests shown in pretend pirate movies - the one shown above is how a real treasure chest would have looked. What, is it not glamorous enough for the likes of you? Well, suit yourself. If by chance you want to see what an authentic pirate chest would have held inside, continue reading and you will soon come to a picture of real pirate loot, shown further below.

Clark: Why can you not take a picture of a pirate with a wooden leg?
Kent: Because a wooden leg does not take pictures!

Tucker: What goes, “99-thump, 99-thump?”
Tyler: A pirate centipede with a wooden leg.

Annette: Where do pirates park their ships?
Nettie: In the harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbor!

Merrill: What is a pirate’s second favorite type of transportation?
Marla: A carrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Scurvy is a preventable health condition caused by going too long without eating foods containing vitamin C, as some seafarers such as pirates do. The symptoms are too horrible to describe here, so just be sure to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables so that you do not become a scurvy pirate!

Byron: What “Star Wars” character is really a pirate?
Myron: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-2-D-2!

Helga: What is a pirate’s favorite doll?
Hilda: Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbie!

A pirate ship came ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ended up in an eatery sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp was dirty, so he rubbed it clean, and a genie came out, promising to grant him any three wishes he wanted. Immediately he wished for a huge mug of cold apple cider that would never run dry. “Granted,” said the genie. Excitedly the pirate downed the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refilled itself. He emptied it again, and it again magically refilled, just as he had wished. “This is great!” he said. “And what about your second and third wishes?” asked the genie. The pirate, still delighted about his magic mug, quickly replied, “I’ll have two more just like this!”

This pirate treasure may not be much to look at, but to a real pirate, it is the stuff of dreams. Up until quite recent times, coins were basically lumps of metal such as silver, copper, gold, or alloys (combinations of different metals melted together) that had been hammered flat or made by clumsily pouring molten metal into rough molds. Old coins from the time of pirates and sailing ships often were not perfectly round, not very shiny, and were well-worn down, but were nonetheless valuable.

Jeffrey: What did the pirate ship captain keep in his musical treasure chest?
Geoffrey: The lute!

Pirate from Nertskinski

A pirate who hailed from Nertskinski
Became so exceedingly thinski
That while cleaning his gun,
When the day’s fight was done,
He looked down the bore and fell inski.

by Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898))

Pearl: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced for earrings?
Cora: A buccaneer!

Cassandra: Where do pirates get their hair cut?
Cassie: At the barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrber shop!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate!
Interrup -
Arrrrrr!

Knock, scratch, knock.
Who’s there?
Captain Hook.

Jack: What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
Jake: You would think it is the ‘r’ but it is really the ‘c.’

Pirate ship: A thugboat.

Pirates often did not take pride in their vessels, so what we see here is typical of the sad state of disrepair in which a gang of murderous thieves would have kept a ship.

Connie: What clings to the underside of pirate ships and slows them down?
Constance: Barrrrrrnacles!

For any landlubbers who might be foolhardy enough to want to learn about real pirates, we heartily recommend the book, “Thomas Jefferson and the Tripoli Pirates” (3 November 2015) by Brian Kilmeade and Don Yaeger. You can get it into your grubby paws by making a visit to your local library, or you can exchange some gold doubloons or whatever currency you might have for it at your favorite bookseller.

Martin: What is a buccaneer?
Mortimer: What pirates pay for corn these days.

A man went to the employment office looking for work. He was told that he could have the part of Long John Silver in a new movie version of “Treasure Island.” “That’s marvelous!” said the man. “How much will I be paid?” “Ten thousand dollars a week,” was the reply. “Great!” said the man. “So do I start acting on Monday?” “Oh, no,” said the clerk. “On Monday, you’re having your leg amputated.”

Pirate Pete: What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs and two hands?
Pirate Paul: Rookie.

Toby: When do pirates plant trees?
Tobias: On Arrrborrr Day! (For to make their wooden legs, don’t you be a-knowin’!)

Swashbuckling: To engage in daring and romantic adventures with ostentatious bravado or flamboyance. Aaarrr, don’t ask us, we really don’t know what that means, either.

Erma: Why could the pirate not play cards?
Myrna: Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Pegleg: Why do pirate ships have Global Positioning System (GPS) devices?
Captain Hook: So that pirates always know where they arrr-rrr!

A flag bearing a black field, upon which is displayed a skull and crossbones, is associated with pirate ships . . . but what if real pirates do not give such warnings, instead preferring to make surprise sneak attacks, or raids, upon sleepy coastal towns and unprotected merchant trading ships?

Agatha: Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him?
Amanda: Because the movie was rated ‘arrrrrr!’

Creative types think pirates are so great that they are making up new kinds of pirates: pirate princesses, pirate cheerleaders, pirate cats, pirate fairies . . . how much further can this silliness go?

Pirate cheerleaders have it easy: “Give me an Rrrrrr!”

Astor: Why are pirates called pirates?
Reed: They just arrrrrr!

Naomi: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Vanessa: Because they spend years at ‘c’!

A Pirate of Boulder

There was a bold pirate of Boulder
Whose cutlass was slung from his shoulder.
He’d mighty fine notions
Of plundering oceans,
But his mom said, “Perhaps when you’re older.”

by Graham Lester

Milford: What is a pirate’s second career choice?
Milton: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrchitect!

A common belief about pirates is that they made people walk along a plank until they fell into the sea, where they would be eaten by sharks. This popular notion simply is not true; author James Matthew Barrie made it up for his children’s storybook, “Peter Pan” (1928).

Riddle: What has eight arms and eight legs and eight eyes?
Solution: Eight pirates!

“I’ll never pet an alligator again,” Captain Hook said offhandedly.

Patrice: What is a pirate’s favorite hobby?
Tricia: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

Lydia: What is a pirate’s favorite country?
Lynette: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgentina!

Renée: Where do pirates put their trash?
Sheila: In the garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbage can!

Blake: Why does Captain Hook have trouble telling time?
Caleb: His second hand keeps falling off.

Sue: What does a vegetarian pirate do?
Stu: He starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves!

Well, shiver me timbers, laddies and lassies, thar’s pirates in them thar waters! Yes, indeed, the pirates aaaaaarrr coming, the pirates aaaaaarrr coming! Quick, we’d better think up some more pirate jokes before they get here so we can entertain them! More fun and learning coming up next . . . on MFOL!

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Self-Regard and Self-Acceptance

10/8/2019

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Fearlessly accept the one and only you . . .

“If I had one gift that I could give you, my friend, it would be the ability to see yourself as others see you, because only then would you know how extremely special you are.” -B. A. Billingsly

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” -Joseph Campbell (1904 - 1987)

“Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets.” -Clark Moustakas (Clark E. Moustakas (1923 - 2012)): as quoted in Lori Knutson: “Sacred Simplicities: Meeting the Miracles in Our Lives” (2004), page 141

“I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty good.” -Author Unknown

“Accept yourself as you are. Otherwise you will never see opportunity. You will not feel free to move toward it; you will feel you are not deserving.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)

“Live as if you like yourself, and it may happen.” -Marge Piercy (born 1936)

“There might be things about yourself that you do not like . . . until one day you notice those same things in someone else who seems to be doing well enough in life. So go ahead and take a closer look at other people. You will see something of yourself in some of them and you will come to know an important truth, which is that you are a good enough person just as you are.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“It is not worth the while to let our imperfections disturb us always.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

“You are wholly complete, and your success in life will be in direct proportion to your ability to accept this truth about you.” -Robert Anthony (Robert Newton Anthony (1916 - 2006))

“The greatest miracle you can hope for is self-acceptance.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)

“I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (Ashleigh Ellwood Brilliant (born 1933)): title of book (1978)

“Be what you are. This is the first step towards becoming better than you are.” -Julius Charles Hare (1795 - 1855) and Augustus William Hare (1792 - 1834): “Guesses at Truth: By Two Brothers” (1861), page 555

“Don’t be-little yourself. Be-big yourself.” -Corita Kent (Mary Corita Kent (1918 - 1986))

“If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor.” -Nicolas Chamfort (also known as Nicolas-Sébastien Roch (1741 - 1794))

“Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.” -Louise L. Hay (Louise Lynn Hay (1926 - 2017))

Affirmation: “I accept myself as I am, knowing that I am also capable of becoming so much more.”

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as you see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” -Stacey Charter

“Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it.” -Thaddeus Golas

“I care not so much what I am in the opinion of others as what I am in my own; I would be rich of myself and not by borrowing.” -Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592): “Essais” (“Essays”) (March 1580), ‘Of Glory’

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.” -Maya Angelou (born Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))

“Every human being is trying to say something to others. Trying to cry out, ‘I am alive, notice me! Speak to me! Listen to me! Confirm for me that I am important. That I matter!’” -Marion D. Hanks

“Be a Friend to thyself and others will too.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 847

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” -Author Unknown

“It needs to be said and heard: It’s okay to be who you are.” -Hailee Steinfeld

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” -Carl Rodgers

Overheard: Would you like you, if you met you?

“It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is.” -Desiderius Erasmus (Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus, also known as Erasmus of Rotterdam or simply Erasmus (1466 - 1536))

“No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.” -Deborah Day

“We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.” -Roderick Thorp: “Rainbow Drive” (1986)

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” -Brené Brown

“To know oneself, one should assert oneself.” -Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

“Self-love, my liege*, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Henry V”
*liege: a feudal superior to whom allegiance and service are due; a feudal society is one in which land use by subjects is exchanged for work.

“I don’t want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.” -Henry James (Henry James, Junior (1843 - 1916))

“When you acknowledge the less than perfect parts of yourself, something magical begins to happen. Along with the negative, you’ll also begin to notice the positive, the wonderful aspects of yourself that you may not have given yourself credit for, or perhaps even been aware of.” -Richard Carlson (1961 - 2006): “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”

“Stop hating yourself for everything that you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything that you are.” -Author Unknown

“Don’t look for approval from anyone other than yourself.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie (born 1945)

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” -Heath L. Buckmaster: “Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale”

“You were born to be real, not to be perfect.” -Author Unknown

“Be yourself, who else is better qualified?” -Frank J. Giblin

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.” -Sally Field (pseudonym of Sally Mahoney)

“Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.” -Nathaniel Branden (born 1930)

“Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth. Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet, ‘I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent.’” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie (born 1945)

“Once you embrace your value, talents, and strengths, it neutralizes when others think less of you.” -Rob Liano

“Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are.” -Malcolm S. Forbes (Malcolm Stevenson Forbes (1919 - 1990))

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” -Author Unknown

“What self-acceptance does is open up more possibilities of succeeding because you aren’t fighting yourself along the way.” -Shannon Ables

“Option A: Spend your life trying to get others to accept you. Option B: Accept yourself, and spend your life with others who recognize what a beauty you are.” -Scott Stabile

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” -Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994)

“The greatest success is successful self-acceptance.” -Ben Sweet

“What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.” -Author Unknown

“I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.” -Johnny Depp

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” -Amy Bloom (born 1953)

“It’s not your job to like me . . . it’s mine!” -Byron Katie (Byron Kathleen Mitchell (born 1942))

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” -e. e. cummings (Edward Estlin Cummings (1894 - 1962))

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” -Kim McMillen

“Be yourself. Try to be anything else but your genuine self, even if you deceive the entire world, and you will be ten thousand times worse than nothing . . . You have been blessed with special skills that are yours alone. Use them, whatever they may be and forget about wearing another’s hat. A talented chariot driver can win gold and renown with his skills. Let him pick figs and he would starve. No one can take your place! Realize this and be yourself. You have no obligation to succeed. You have only the obligation to be true to yourself. Do the very best that you can, in the things you do best, and you will know, in thy soul, that you are the greatest success in the world.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996)): “The Greatest Success in the World” (1968), page 94

“Loving yourself isn’t vanity, it’s sanity.” -André Gide (André Paul Guillaume Gide (1869 - 1951))

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward.” -Roy Bennett (Roy T. Bennett)

“You work so hard to fix yourself, but maybe what you need isn’t another tactic, another book, another expert, another five-step plan. Maybe, you don’t need to be fixed. Maybe, what’s really holding you back is the idea that you need to be fixed.” -Vironika Tugaleva

“I’ve finally stopped running away from myself. Who else is there better to be?” -Goldie Hawn

“Change is possible, but it must start with self-acceptance.” -Alexander Lowen

“Believing in our hearts that who we are is enough is the key to a more satisfying and balanced life.” -Ellen Sue Stern

“If you want to be somebody, somebody really special, be yourself.” -Author Unknown

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” -Louise L. Hay (Louise Lynn Hay (1926 - 2017))

“When you stop living your life based on what others think of you, real life begins. At that moment, you will finally see the door of self-acceptance opened.” -Shannon L. Alder

“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” -Mary Dunbar

The most delightful surprise in life
Is to suddenly recognize your own worth.
-Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)

“Our entire life - consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as we are.” -Jean Marie Lucien Pierre Anouilh (1910 - 1987)

“What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.” -Hecato (also known as Hecaton of Rhodes)

Now there is a website especially for exceptional people like you . . . this is MFOL!

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Efforts and Benefits

10/5/2019

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“You can accomplish virtually anything if you want it badly enough and if you are willing to work long enough and hard enough.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

“Much effort, much prosperity.” -Euripides (480 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)

“Dig where the gold is unless you just need some exercise.” -John M. Capozzi

“When we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))

“Be willing to give that extra effort that separates the winner from the one in second place.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (Harriett Jackson Brown, Junior (born 1940))

“I’ve got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.” -Larry Bird

“Working hard becomes a habit, a serious kind of fun. You get self-satisfaction from pushing yourself to the limit, knowing that all the effort is going to pay off.” -Mary Lou Retton (Mary Lou ‘Lou’ Retton (born 1968))

“Always take a job that is too big for you.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick (1878 - 1969)

“Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results.” -James Allen (1864 - 1912)

“It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.” -Theodore Roosevelt (Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919))

“The more we do the more we can do.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)

“Who knows whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.” -Erich Fromm (Erich Seligmann Fromm (1900 - 1980))

“Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008))

“Labor was the first price, the original purchase-money that was paid for all things. It was not by gold or by silver, but by labor, that all wealth of the world was originally purchased.” -Adam Smith (1723 - 1790): “The Wealth of Nations” (1776)

“Do more than you’re supposed to do and you can have or be or do anything you want.” -Bill Sands

“All great success and achievement is preceded and accompanied by hard, hard, work. When in doubt, ‘try harder.’ And if that doesn’t work, try harder still!” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)

“Energy, even like the Biblical grain of mustard-seed, will move mountains.” -Hosea Ballou (1771 - 1852)

“The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.” -Richard Bach (Richard David Bach (born 1936))

“The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” -William Faulkner (William Cuthbert ‘Will’ Faulkner (1897 - 1962))

“The results you achieve will be in direct proportion to the effort you apply.” -Denis Waitley (born 1933)

“It’s true that the willing horse gets the heaviest load. It is also true that he develops the strongest muscles and gets the most oats.” -Author Unknown

“We work to become, not to acquire.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “A Thousand and One Epigrams” (1911)

“You get what you work for, not what you wish for.” -Author Unknown

“Without work there will not be any bread in your mouth.” [English translation]
“Sine labore non erit panis in ore.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown

“There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures.” -Josiah Gilbert Holland (1819 - 1881)

“Winners embrace hard work. They love the discipline of it, the tradeoff they’re making to win. Losers, on the other hand, see it as punishment. And that’s the difference.” -Lou Holtz (Louis Leo ‘Lou’ Holtz (born 1937))

Without Pains,
No Gains.
-Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 6360

“The fruit derived from labor is the sweetest of all pleasures.” -Luc de Clapiers (1715 - 1747)

“In all human affairs there are efforts, and there are results, and the strength of the effort is the measure of the result. Chance is not. Gifts, powers, material, intellectual, and spiritual possessions are the fruits of effort; they are thoughts completed, objects accomplished, visions realized.” -James Allen (1864 - 1912): “As a Man Thinketh” (1902), ‘Visions and Ideals’

“For every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

“Whatever you give to life will return to you - multiplied! This applies to our daily thoughts, feelings, and actions, be they positive or negative, uplifting or depressing.” -Frederick W. Babbel (Frederick William Babbel (1915 - 2001))

“Work is the grand cure for all maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind - honest work, which you intend getting done.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt.” -Thomas Cowan

“If there is no dull and determined effort, there will be no brilliant achievement.” - Xun Kuang (also known as Hsun Tzu, Xun Zi, and Xunzi (about 310 B.C.E. - about 235 B.C.E.))

“Getting the most out of life is giving life your most.” -Janice Markowitz

“There is no excellence anywhere without labor. We would think a man foolish indeed who would say I am willing that my business should prosper or that my farm should yield plentifully but I’ll not stir a peg. But he is no more foolish than the man who says I am willing that God should bless me abundantly but I shall not do anything toward that end myself. We must consistently rely upon the help of the Lord but we will not make any progress or meet with any success unless we put forth an earnest effort.” -Charles W. Nibley

“If you put forth the effort, good things will be bestowed upon you.” -Michael Jordan (born 1963)

“It’s the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles.” -Claude M. Bristol (Claude Myron Bristol (1891 - 1951))

“For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice.” -John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)

“The highest reward for man’s toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it.” -John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)

“Four little words sum up what has lifted most successful individuals above the crowd: A little bit more. They did all that was expected of them and a little bit more.” -A. Lou Vickery

“The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win.” -Roger Bannister

“There’s no substitute for hard work.” -John Wooden (1910 - 2010)

“The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow.” -William J. H. Boetcker (William John Henry Boetcker (1873 - 1962))

“Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.” -Lowell Thomas

“Nothing ever comes to one that is worth having except as a result of hard work.” -Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)

“Genius begins great works; labor alone finishes them.” -Joseph Joubert (1754 - 1824)

“If you’re not willing to put in the effort, don’t expect anything in return.” -Author Unknown

“Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.” -Winston Churchill: as quoted in Liane Cordes: “The Reflecting Pond: Meditations for Self-Discovery” (1981), page 89

“Men will get no more out of life than they put into it.” -William J. H. Boetcker (William John Henry Boetcker (1873 - 1962))

“Nothing will work unless you do.” - Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))

“Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more.” -Edward H. Harriman (Edward Henry Harriman)

“It is better to wear out than to rust out.” -Frances E. Willard (Frances Elizabeth Caroline Willard (1839 - 1898))

“Men do less than they ought, unless they do all that they can.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881): as quoted in Horace Smith: “The Tin Trumpet” (1859)

“The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.” -Jonas Salk (1914 - 1995)

“No one ever attains very eminent success by simply doing what is required of him; it is the amount and excellence of what is over and above the required, that determines the greatness of ultimate distinction.” -Charles Kendall Adams (1835 - 1902)

“Nobody ever found a buried treasure without digging for it. Most success is beneath the surface. Dig every day.” -George W. Cummings, Senior

“I realized that with hard work, the world was your oyster. You could do anything you wanted to do. I learned that at a young age.” -Christine Marie ‘Chris’ Evert (born 1954)

This is MFOL! . . . life can be fun . . . if we make the effort to make it fun!

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