Drive-through order-taker: “Would you like cheese on that?”
Friends Al and Bert went to a Chinese restaurant, where they ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as Al was about to serve himself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and he briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down. “Good grief, did you see that?” he asked Bert. He did not, so Al asked him to look in the pot. Bert reached for it, and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down. Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what had happened, and demanded an explanation. “Please, sir,” stammered the waiter, “what did you order?” Bert replied, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah! So sorry, my mistake,” said the waiter. “I brought you Peeking Duck!”
Customer: I am so hungry that I could eat a horse.
Waiter: Well, you have certainly come to the right place.
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my peach cobbler.
Waitress: Yes, sir. It is a fruit fly.
A guy was down on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, “Big Red Lobster Tales $5 Each.” Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, “$5 each for lobster tails - is that correct?” “Yes,” she said, “it is our special just for today.” “Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.” “No,” she replied, “It is the really big lobster.” “Are you sure they are not green lobster tails, and a little bit tough?” “No,” she said, “it is the really big red lobster.” “Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said with amazement. “They must be old lobster tails.” “No, they are definitely today’s.” “Today’s big red lobster tails, for $5 each?” he repeated, astounded. “Yes,” she insisted. “Well, here is my five dollars,” he said, “I will take one.” She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster . . .”
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink?
Customer: Yes, a diet water, please.
“One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the restaurant is crowded that when it is half empty; it seems that the less that the staff has to do, the slower they do it.” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986))
Lucille: What is egomaniacal, dresses in a funny costume, and works in a restaurant?
Lucinda: Darth Waiter.
Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Looks like it is learning to swim, sir.
“You name it, we will make it!” declared a big sign outside a new restaurant. “There is no food we cannot make for you!” “Excuse me sir,” said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like, please, a garden salad with Russian dressing.” “Russian dressing?! I have never even heard of Russian dressing! What are we going to give this guy?” shouted the head cook. “Do not worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I will take care of everything, you just make the salad.” And that is how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big garden salad and a newspaper picture of a Russian businessman knotting his necktie.
Customer: Waiter, there is a small slug in my salad.
Waiter: I am sorry - would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
A guy walked into a restaurant and ordered eggs. The waitress said, “How would you like those eggs cooked?” The guy said, “That would be great.”
Customer: Waitress, there is a caterpillar in my salad.
Waitress: Yes, ma’am, there is no extra charge.
Fried chicken is the most popular meal ordered in full-service (not fast-food) restaurants in the United States of America. The next in popularity is roast beef, followed by spaghetti, turkey, baked ham, and fried shrimp.
Customer: Have you any wild duck?
Waitress: No, but we can take a tame one and annoy him for you.
“I’d probably be famous now if I wasn’t such a good waitress.” -Jane Siberry
Customer: Waiter, you have your thumb on my steak!
Waiter: Well, I did not want it to fall on the floor again, sir.
A truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. “Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup - are they foreign objects?” She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here - they are strictly locals.”
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my salad!
Waiter: No, ma’am, that is our last customer, after our evil wizard chef cast a magic spell on her.
Overheard: In a restaurant, always choose a table near a waiter.
Customer: Server, there is a twig in my soup!
Server: I am sorry, madam. I will call our branch manager.
A guy walked into a fancy restaurant, but they would not let him in without a necktie. So, he got the jumper cables out of his car and tied them around his neck. He went back to the restaurant and said, “Okay, can I get in now?” They answered, “Well, all right, but you better not start anything.”
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my chop suey.
Waitress: That is nothing - wait until you see what is in your fortune cookie.
Restaurant sign: Soup of the Day - Coffee.
Joey: Why did the waiter serve the physician a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich?
Josie: Because that is ‘just what the doctor ordered.’
Friends Millicent and Mildred were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted: “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” Mildred said to Millicent, pointing to the sign, “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a $20, I would not be eating here!”
Customer: Waitress, there seems to be a hippopotamus in my soup.
Waitress: Is it not quite remarkable that I could even carry it to your table?
Overheard: I go to a restaurant not far from where I live that has the worst service. Sometimes I have to wait an hour to be served. I do not mind the long wait, though, because the food is so awful.
Diner: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Now that is a fly that knows good soup.
“There is no such thing as a free lunch.” -Milton Friedman
Diner: I just found a collar button in my soup.
Waiter: I wondered where that was.
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time,’ so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))
Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad, and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak, and got a calf!
Restaurant sign: Today’s Special - Buy one Fish & Chips for the price of two and receive a second Fish & Chips absolutely free!
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Wait one minute while I get a spider.
I saw a sign in a restaurant that read, “Watch Your Hat and Coat.” So I did, and somebody stole my dinner!
Customer: Waitress, there is a bee in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, it is the fly’s day off.
A customer said to a waiter, “Please bring over the manager; I cannot tell if this is coffee or tea. I ordered coffee, but it tastes like gasoline.” The waiter replied, “If it tastes like gasoline; it is definitely coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.”
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Do not worry, sir. The spider in your salad will get it.
Overheard: So, does this restaurant serve baby food? I never see it on the menu.
Customer: There is a beetle in my soup!
Server: Sorry, ma’am, we are all out of flies today.
“Excuse me, but do you have dandruff?” asked the woman when her waiter kept scratching his head. “No, ma’am,” replied the waiter. “We only have what is on the menu.”
Customer: Do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: Yes, sir.
Customer: Then hop to the kitchen and get me a sandwich.
An epicure, dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew;
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too!”
by Author Unknown
Customer: Have you been to the zoo?
Waiter: No, sir.
Customer: Well, you ought to go. You would enjoy seeing the turtles go whizzing by.
Sign behind counter at a diner: Please do not complain about the coffee - you may be old and weak yourself one day.
Customer: Waiter, bring me something to eat, and make it snappy!
Waiter: How about a crocodile sandwich, ma’am?
Today’s Special: Barely Soup.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” -George Carlin
Customer: Waitress, what kind of soup is this? I ordered pea soup, and this tastes like soap.
Waitress: My mistake, that is tomato soup. Pea soup tastes like shampoo.
Overheard: I have been eating fast food for years, and it is really starting to slow me down.
Diner: This sauerkraut is not sour enough.
Waiter: Sir, it is not sauerkraut - it is noodles.
Diner: In that case, it is sour enough for noodles!
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office the other day to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under ‘Reason unable to work,’ she had written, “Cannot stand to cook any longer.”
Customer: This food is not fit for a pig!
Waitress: I am sorry, ma’am; I will bring you some that is.
A health inspector walked into a restaurant and said to the manager, “You have too many roaches in here.” The manager said, “How many am I allowed?”
Customer: I have not found any ham in this ham sandwich yet.
Waitress: Try another bite.
Customer, with a mouth full of sandwich: Nope, not yet.
Waitress: Well, you must have gone right past it.
If restaurant critics really do get to eat for free, then we want to start a new second career during our lunch hour today.
Waitress: We are famous for our snails here.
Customer: I know. I have been served by one already.
I went to a restaurant, and they had Mulligan stew on the menu, so I called a waiter to get me a clean menu that I could read.
Diner: Waiter! This stew is terrible. What is it made of?
Waiter: The chef calls it his enthusiastic soup.
Waiter: He puts everything he has into it.
In a typical restaurant, customers get 27 cents worth of food for each dollar they spend. We certainly pay a ‘good deal’ of money for atmosphere and service.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Go ahead and eat it, there are plenty more where that came from!
Customer: Waitress, this fish is bad.
Waitress: You are a bad fish. Bad, bad, bad!
Tip for spotting a good restaurant: Do not go to a restaurant that has a ‘help wanted’ sign in the window, because it is hard enough to get waited on in a restaurant that has plenty of help.
Waitress: How did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I looked and looked, and there it was, hiding under a pea.
A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with a baked potato. About halfway through dinner, he called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.” She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”
Customer: This soup tastes funny.
Waitperson: Then why are you not laughing?
Customer: Make me a cheeseburger.
Short-Order Cook: Fine. Presto-change-o, you are a cheeseburger!
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs here?
Waiter: Yes, ma’am, we serve everybody.
Customer: Waiter, why is there a frog in my drink?
Waiter: Because things go better with croak.
Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?
Waiter: It appears he is learning to read, sir.
Diner: Waiter, do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: No, sir; I have always walked like this.
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, and if you will push over that pea, he will play water polo.
Customer: Take back this steak. I have been trying to cut it for ten minutes, but it is so tough I cannot make a dent in it.
Waitress: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot take it back. You have bent it.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my stew!
Waiter: They do not seem to care what they eat, do they?
Customer: Waiter, there are 134 flies in my soup.
Waiter: Two more, and we will beat the world record!
Customer: Waiter, there is a cockroach in my salad!
Waiter: Sorry. We ran out of flies.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Hang on; I will get you a fork.
Customer: I cannot eat this steak. Call the manager.
Waiter: It is no use, sir. He could not eat it either.
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: They come for the ambience . . . and stay for the food.
At the MFOL! Comedy Restaurant, not only does the food look funny, but it also tastes funny . . .