Birds

​Kevin: What has three wings, three eyes, and two beaks?
Marvin: A bird with spare parts.
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Bird Watcher 1: What kind of bird is that?
Bird Watcher 2: A gulp.
Bird Watcher 1: A gulp? Never heard of that bird before.
Bird Watcher 2: Yes, it’s like a swallow, only bigger.
 
Albatrosses can sleep while flying. They apparently doze while cruising through the air at 40 kilometers (25 miles) per hour. Why sleep-walk when you can sleep-fly?
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Thirty Dirty Purple Birds
 
Corner Third and Thirty-Third,
     Thirty dirty purple birds
Sittin’ on the curb
     Eatin’ worms
And chirpin’ an’ slurpin’.
     Along came Myrtle
And her girlfriend Gertie.
     Boy, were they perturbed.
 
by Author Unknown
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Commonly, male birds are more colorful than female birds. The females are less bright in color to help camouflage them, or make them less visible to other animals, when they are caring for chicks, or baby birds, although in some species of birds, male birds care for their young birds with or without a female bird.
 
Clifford: What has eight wheels and flies?
Buford: A bird on roller skates.
 
Chickens, pigeons, cranes, quails, and ducks bob their head when they walk. Wildlife biologists believe they do this because head-bobbing helps them with  balance, provides them with depth perception, and sharpens their vision.
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Sparrow: Try to be nice.
Jay: Owl try!
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Birds have different types of feathers for different uses. Flight feathers grow in the wings and the tail. Soft down feathers grow close to the skin to keep birds from getting too cold or too hot.
 
“Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .” -S. Wright
 
Birds Facts
- An adult male bird is called a cock.
- An adult female bird is called a hen.
- A young bird is called a chick.
- The plural of bird is birds.
- A group of birds is called a flock.
- Birds have wings and feathers that enable them to fly.
- The sounds made by birds are called chirping, chirruping, crying, singing, tweeting, twittering, and whistling.
- Birds sing to mark their territories against encroachment by other birds.
- Birds lay eggs from which chicks hatch.
- A person who studies birds is called an ornithologist
 
Abby: If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Gail: A bagel.
 
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands once carried the identification of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as ‘Wash. Biol. Surv.’ The agency received the following letter from a hunter: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.” The bands have since been changed and are now marked ‘Fish and Wildlife Service.’
 
“Fine feathers make fine birds.” -Author Unknown: English proverb
 
Are birds given to ‘flights of fancy’?
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Bert: What kind of birds flock together?
Curt: Velcrows.
 
How sadly the bird in his cage
Watches the butterflies.
-Issa: haiku
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Len: What do you call a bird in the wintertime?
Lin: A brrrd!
 
Most birds eat about twice their body weight each day, but because birds are lightweight animals, the total amount of food is small. Flying birds must be lightweight and yet have powerful flight muscles to be able to fly. Their bones and feather shafts are hollow to help keep their weight as low as possible.
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“There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before.” -Robert Lynd (Robert Wilson Lynd (1879 - 1949)): “The Blue Lion and Other Essays” (1923)
 
Parnell: What do you call two birds in love?
Marcella: Tweethearts!
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The Stork
 
Here’s to the stork,
     A most valuable bird,
That inhabits the residence districts -
     He doesn’t sing tunes,
Nor yield any plumes,
     But he helps out the vital statistics.
 
by Author Unknown
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All of the hard work and risk in being a bird may just be worth it, because flight is a remarkable thing for a living creature to be able to do.
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Wendell: Why did the sea bird hang out at the jewelry store?
Wendy: Because diamonds are a gull’s best friend.
 
“Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow.” -Author Unknown
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Hope: What class did Tweety Bird ace in school?
Faith: Twigonometry.
 
The early bird gets the worm, and the night owl dines on mice; each to his or her own best way.
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Hubert: Why did the crows sit on a telephone wire?
Humphrey: They wanted to make a long-distance caw.
 
Ornithophobia is a persistent fear of birds. People with ornithophobia may experience anxiety about encountering or being attacked by birds. Ornithophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘ornithos’ meaning ‘bird’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ Like most fears, it is learned or conditioned into its sufferers, and therefore, can be learned or conditioned right back out of them. A good way to start would be by learning a little about birdkind.
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​Any Bird
 
I haven’t a palace,
     I haven’t a throne,
There isn’t a thing
     In the world I own.
 
I bathe in the bird-bath,
     I perch on the trees;
I come and I go
     Whenever I please.
 
But everyone’s garden
     Is open and free,
There’s always a crumb
     Or a worm there for me.
 
I fly where I will,
     By woodland or sea;
The whole world is mine;
     I’m as rich as can be.
 
by Ilo Orleans (1897 - 1962)
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​“Feathered friends flock together in all kinds of weather because there is strength in numbers and other benefits to friendship.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
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A man went into a pet shop and said, “Do you have any birds?” The shop keeper replied, “Yes, we have three birds: a square bird, a circle bird, and a triangle bird.” “I think I’ll take the square bird,” said the man. “Okay,” said the shop keeper, “here’s your bird, but keep it away from other shapes.” So the man took the bird to his square home in his square car. Then he found the bird a square cage and put it in a square room with square objects in it. Soon the bird learned to talk, so the man had a party in the bird’s honor. When everyone was quiet the bird gave a little talk, and then everyone gave it a ‘round’ of applause - and the ‘square’ bird just about fainted!
 
“Wise birds build their nests sturdy enough to withstand the many and varied storms of life.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
 
Marlene: Why do birds fly?
Marlo: It’s faster than walking.
 
The hummingbird, the loon, the swift, the kingfisher, and the grebe are birds that, sadly, cannot walk. But if you yourself have fully functioning legs, you can walk, and therefore, you should walk . . . and these birds . . . will continue to fly . . . with wings . . . that you and I, sadly, do not have.
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“Why do birds sing in the morning? It’s the triumphant shout: ‘We got through another night!’” -Enid Bagnold
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Heath: Why was the cockatoo first in line at the beauty parlor?
Heather: Because the early bird gets the perm.
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​Tips for Becoming a Backyard Birder
 
Decide what types of birds you want to attract before building a feeding station, birdhouse, birdbath, and so forth. Different species of birds eat different seeds. If you want to attract just one type of bird, find out what type of seeds and other foods it eats. If you want different species of birds to visit, use a mixture of seeds and other foods.
 
If you put out food, water, and shelter for birds, be aware that other animals and insects may also be attracted to those same things, so if you want only the birds, you must take steps to keep out the other creatures. For example, you can install squirrel guards (wrap-around cones made from sheet metal or plastic) to discourage squirrels from climbing the pole on which a feeder is mounted.
 
In the winter, birds need suet, a kind of fat, in their diet, which their bodies burn to keep them warm in the freezing cold.
 
Once you start feeding and watering wild birds, you are obligated to continue feeding and watering them through the entire season, including up until they have raised their young and their young have flown out of the nests to live on their own.

Bobby: What do you give to birds when they are ill?
Robby: A tweetment.
 
Birds are believed to have evolved from meat-eating theropod dinosaurs that lived during the Mesozoic Era, roughly 150 million years ago. Early birds, such as Archaeopteryx, had teeth in their mouths and claws on their wings.
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“A chipper chickadee chirping cheerily chanced to perch upon Chris Kringle’s Christmas tree.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
 
“It is the beautiful bird which gets caged.” -Author Unknown: proverb
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Condor
 
Said the condor, in tones of despair:
“Not even the atmosphere’s rare.
     Since man took to flying,
     It’s really too trying,
The people one meets in the air.”
 
by Oliver Herford (1860 -1935)
 
“God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.” -Jacques Deval: “Afin de vivre bel et bien” (English: “To Live Well and Truly”) (1969)
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Be like the bird in flight -
     Pausing awhile on boughs too slight,
Feels them give way beneath her; yet sings
     Knowing yet; that she has wings.
-Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885))
 
“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.” -Author Unknown
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“My heart is like a singing bird.” -Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894): “A Birthday” (1861)
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Three Little Birds
 
There were three little birds in a wood,
Who always sang hymns when they could.
     What the words were about
     They could never make out,
But they felt they were doing some good. 
 
by Author Unknown
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Some bird species are intelligent enough to create and use tools.
 
“God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.” -J. G. Holland (Josiah Gilbert Holland (1819 - 1881))
 
Mark: What goes, “Fweet, fweet, fweet!”?
Clark: A bird with a mouth full of crackers.
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Birds of a Feather
Flock together.
-Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs, Wise Sentences, and Witty Sayings” (1732), number 6295
 
“Birds of a feather flock together because we can get to where we are going with greater safely, speed, and certainty when we are in the company of others with the same aims in life.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
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Time to Rise
 
A birdie with a yellow bill
     Hopped upon my window sill,
Cocked his shining eye and said:
     “Ain’t you ’shamed, you sleepy-head!”
 
by Robert Louis Stevenson (Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson (1850 - 1894))
 
Not all flying animals are birds, and not all birds can fly. The ability to fly has developed independently in animals many times throughout the history of the Earth. Bats are flying mammals, pterosaurs are flying reptiles from around the time of the dinosaurs, and flying insects can also take to the air, but none of these creatures are birds. Flightless birds include kiwis, ostriches, and penguins.
 
Rhoda: Why do birds sometimes stand on one leg?
Ronda: Because if they stood on no legs, they would fall over.
 
“When the bird and the book disagree, always believe the bird.” -John James Audubon (1785 - 1851), commenting on field guides
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“Two sparrows on the same ear of corn are not long friends.” -Author Unknown
 
Serves Him Right
 
There was an old man on a hill
Who said to the birds, “Oh, be still!”
     One bird, just for that,
     Built a nest in his hat
And pecked both his ears with its bill.
 
by John Ciardi (John Anthony Ciardi (1916 - 1986))
 
To learn more about birds, visit the Audubon Society at www.audobon.org.
 
Marilyn: Where do birds go on Halloween?
Clara: They go trick or tweeting!
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Birds
 
If I were a bird, I’d sing a song
     And fly about the whole day long
And when the night came
     Go to rest, up in my cozy little nest.
 
by Author Unknown
 
“I feel like a tiny bird with a big song!” -Jerry Van Amerongen
 
We are MFOL! . . . may the bluebird of happiness be always perched upon your windowsill with a bright, bubbly song in its heart . . .