Are you looking for a place to get away from it all? You can take a mini-vacation right here on ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ We hope you will enjoy the ‘Fun & Learning’ that follows below . . .
Footprints in the sands of time were not made while sitting down . . .
“I want to get you excited about who you are, what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you. I want to inspire you to see that you can go far beyond where you are right now.” -Virginia Satir (1916 - 1988)
“Go as far as you can see, and when you get there you will see farther.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))
“A somebody was once a nobody who wanted to and did.” -John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
“The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired, but becomes inspired because he is working. Beethoven, Wagner, Bach, and Mozart settled down day after day to the job in hand. They didn’t waste time waiting for inspiration.” -Ernest Newman
“Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.” -Madeleine L’Engle (Madeleine L’Engle Camp)
“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888)
Do What You Want
Draw the art you want to see
Start the business you want to run
Play the music you want to hear
Write the books you want to read
Build the products you want to use
Do the work you want to see done
“This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
“One ought to, every day at least, hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1842): “Wilhelm Meister’s Lehrjahre” (“Wilhelm Meister’s Apprenticeship”) (1795 - 1796), book 5, chapter I
“When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either.” -Leo Burnett (1891 - 1971)
“Reach for the stars, even if you have to stand on a cactus.” -Susan Longacre
“We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals - and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
“No one knows what he can do until he tries.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
“You can have anything you want - if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
“Extraordinary people are committed to doing the extra things that ordinary people won’t.” -Christine Kinney
“The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.” -Author Unknown
“A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.” -Author Unknown: “Cinderella”
“Do everything. One thing may turn out to be right.” -Humphrey Bogart
“Triumph is just ‘umph’ added to ‘try.’” -Author Unknown
“The explanation of triumph is all in the first syllable.” -Author Unknown
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible” (King James Version, 1611), ‘Matthew,’ chapter 7, verses 7 and 8
“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” -Author Unknown
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.” -Jonathan Winters (Jonathan Harshman Winters III (1925 - 2013))
“The measure of achievement is not winning awards. It’s doing something that you appreciate, something you believe is worthwhile. I think of my strawberry soufflé. I did that at least twenty-eight times before I finally conquered it.” -Julia Child (Julia Carolyn Child (1912 - 2004))
“Almost invariably those who have reached the summits worked harder and longer, studied and planned more assiduously, practiced more self-denial, overcame more difficulties than those of us who have not risen so far.” -B. C. Forbes (Robert Charles ‘Bertie’ Forbes (1880 - 1954))
“There is only one small letter between the words Can and Can’t . . . and that one letter will t-otally change your destiny.” -Doug Firebaugh
“Knock the ‘t’ off the ‘can’t.’” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle; when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.” -Herb Caen (Herbert Eugene ‘Herb’ Caen (1916 - 1997))
“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.” -Dale E. Turner (1917 - 2006)
“‘How does one become a butterfly?’ she asked. ‘You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.’” -Trina Paulus: “Hope for the Flowers” (1973), available from www.HopeForTheFlowers.com.
“Tears will get you sympathy . . . Sweat will get you results.” -Author Unknown
“If you want to see something done, just tell some human beings it can’t be done. Make it known that it’s impossible to fly to the Moon, or run a hundred meters in nine-point-nine seconds, or solve Fermat’s Last Theorem. Remind the world that no one has ever hit sixty-two home runs in a season . . . stuffed eighteen people into a Volkswagen Bug . . . set half the world free . . . or cloned a sheep. Dangle the undoable in front of the world. Then, consider it done.” -Author Unknown: Merrill Lynch, advertisement
“A man’s ambition should be high. Not scratched in dirt - carved in the sky.” -Thomas L. Forest
“You will never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more chance there is of stubbing your toe, but the more chance you have of getting somewhere.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
There’s a Time
There’s a time to part and a time to meet,
There’s a time to sleep and a time to eat,
There’s a time to work and a time to play,
There’s a time to sing and a time to pray,
There’s a time that’s glad and a time that’s blue,
There’s a time to plan and a time to do,
There’s a time to grin and to show your grit,
But there never was a time to quit.
“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.” -Author Unknown
“Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.” -Author Unknown
“If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.” -Author Unknown
Good, Better, Best
Good, better, best,
Never let it rest
Until your Good is Better
And your Better is the Best.
“No dreamer is ever too small; no dream is ever too big.” -Author Unknown
Everybody Is Somebody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
“If you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and turn it on yourself.” -Author Unknown
Anything Can Be
Listen to the Mustn’ts, child,
Listen to the Don’ts
Listen to the Shouldn’ts
The Impossibles, the Won’ts
Listen to the Never Haves
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.
-Shel Silverstein (Sheldon Allan ‘Shel’ Silverstein (1930 - 1999)): “Where the Sidewalk Ends” (1974)
“You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.” -Author Unknown
“Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.” -Author Unknown
Did is a word of achievement,
Won’t is a word of retreat,
Might is a word of bereavement,
Can’t is a word of defeat,
Ought is a word of duty,
Try is a word each hour,
Will is a word of beauty,
Can is a word of power.
“Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing intensity. Remember that our sons and grandsons are going to do things that would stagger us. Let your watchword be order and your beacon be beauty.” -Daniel Hudson Burnham (1846 - 1912)
“I am not a has-been. I am a will-be.” -Lauren Bacall (1924 - 2014)
What I Would Like to Be
I would like to be a Could Be
If I could not be an Are,
For a Could Be is a May Be
With a chance of going far.
I would rather be a Has Been
Than a Might Have Been by far,
For a Might Have Been has never been
But a Has Been was an Are.
“I really don’t think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don’t mind the failure but I can’t imagine that I’d forgive myself if I didn’t try.” -Nikki Giovanni (born 1943)
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” -Wendell Johnson (1906 - 1965)
“Never forget all that you have survived, all that you have accomplished, all that you are capable of, all that you will do, your hopes and dreams and plans, and the bright future that awaits you. Go forward with extreme optimism!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” -Anne Frank (1929 - 1945): “The Diary of a Young Girl” (1952)
Risk more than others think is safe.
Care more than others think is wise.
Dream more than others think is practical.
Expect more than others think is possible.
-Claude T. Bissell (Claude Thomas Bissell (1916 - 2000))
“Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of a unanimity.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): as quoted in “American Artist” (1949)
“Every day is another chance to make your dreams come true.” -Author Unknown
“There is something that I know about you that you may not even know yourself. You have within you more resources of energy than have ever been tapped, more talent than has ever been exploited, more strength than has ever been tested, and more to give than you have ever given.” -John Gardner (1933 - 1982.)
“Champions know there are no shortcuts to the top. They climb the mountain one step at a time. They have no use for helicopters!” -Judi Adier
“You can follow your heart - just don’t forget to take your head with you.” -Author Unknown
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.” -Tom Hiddleston (Thomas William Hiddleston (born 1981))
“When I’m inspired, I get excited because I can’t wait to see what I’ll come up with next.” -Dolly Parton (born 1946)
We have much more inspiration and motivation for you on the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website. To find it, go to the top of this page and click on ‘Inspiration & Motivation’ on the menu bar. Imagine all the good things that life has to offer, all the good things in the world . . . it is all out there waiting for you - what are you waiting for?
A truly sophisticated froggy finds fashionability, even in a rainforest. . .
“Going around under an umbrella interferes with one’s looking up at the sky.” -Jerzy Kosinski
“Spin the parasol three times and repeat after me: I shield in the name of fashion. I accessorize for one and all. Pursuit of truth is my passion. This I vow by the great parasol.” -Gail Carriger
Dale: What goes up when the rain comes down?
Gail: An umbrella!
Umbrellas and Parasols Facts
- Umbrellas keep the rain off your head.
- Umbrellas are made of waterproof material.
- Parasols keep the sunlight off your head.
- Parasols are often not made of waterproof material.
Uses for a broken umbrella include making a cloud on a stick, also known as a fluffy cotton parasol.
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella.
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.
-Charles Bowen: as published in Walter Sichel: “Sands of Time” (1923)
Mark Twain once told a story of trying to get rid of a wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in a trash can, but someone recognized it as his and returned it. Then he dropped it down a deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella and returned it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back. “Finally,” said Mr. Twain, “I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it again.”
Shane: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Shannon: Because it wasn’t raining.
“A rainy day is the only chance an umbrella gets to shine.” -Author Unknown
“All men are equal - all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.” -E. M. Forster (Edward Morgan Forster): “Howards End” (1910)
Spin, spin the parasol
Spin it, and it flies away -
When it stops,
It’s somehow on the floor.
Spin, spin the umbrella,
Water droplets fly everywhere.
Spin it, spin it,
And then spin no more!
Collapse it and stow it away,
To spin it yet another day.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Never go out on a rainy day without your big green frog . . .
Why are many umbrellas black? When umbrellas first came into popular use in the 18th century, they were made of oil-soaked cotton cloth stretched over whalebone. The application of the oil was to make the cotton cloth waterproof, but it also gave the cloth a black color. While this type of umbrella was waterproof, it was not very durable. Soon, better umbrellas were made, and since the color black was associated with effective waterproofing, most of the newer models were dyed black. However, for safety purposes, colored umbrellas, being more visible to motorists, may possibly decrease the likelihood of collisions with pedestrians. Clear umbrellas are also a good choice as they give their holders the ability to see through them.
Bella Had a New Umbrella
Bella had a new umbrella
Didn’t want to lose it,
So when she walked out in the rain
She didn’t ever use it.
Her nose went sniff,
Her shoes went squish,
Her socks grew soggy,
Her glasses got foggy,
Her pockets filled with water,
And a little green froggy.
All she could speak
Was a weak ‘kachoo!’
But Bella’s umbrella
Stayed nice and new.
Umbrellas were initially used to shade people from the sun, like parasols, not to protect people from the rain as they are today. In ancient Greece, umbrellas became a fashion accessory used by men and not women.
Tongue twister: Clever cats take cover. (Say ten times quickly.)
Norman: Did you hear about the responsible umbrella manufacturer?
Norma: Yes, they say he is saving his money for a sunny day.
Umbrellas are among the things of which you should always have at least two, in case you lose an umbrella or need to loan one to a friend. The two best times to buy an umbrella are before you need one and when it is not raining. When it starts raining, umbrellas sell quickly, and you might not be able to find one to buy.
“I walked around for a few hours. Around one-thirty it started raining lightly. Almost immediately the umbrella sellers turned up on the street corners. You’d have thought they had existed previously in spore form, springing miraculously to life when a drop of water touched them.” -Lawrence Block (born 1938): “Out on the Cutting Edge” (1989)
Marissa: What goes up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Clarissa: An umbrella!
A friend is someone who has an umbrella when it is raining . . .
“It is the habitual carriage of the umbrella that is the stamp of Respectability. The umbrella has become the acknowledged index of social position . . . Crusoe was rather a moralist than a pietist, and his leaf-umbrella is as fine an example of the civilized mind striving to express itself under adverse circumstances as we have ever met with.” -Robert Louis Stevenson (Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson (1850 - 1894)) and J. W. Ferrier: “Philosophy of Umbrellas” (1871)
The average life span of an umbrella is one-and-a-half years.
Marla: What kind of umbrellas do people carry on rainy days?
Merlo: Wet ones.
- Let others stand under your umbrella with you, including people and animals, if your umbrella is large enough, and if the others are not too weird.
- Shake the water off your umbrella before entering a building or vehicle, and then either place it inside a plastic bag, in an umbrella stand, or in another place where the water that runs off it will not create a dangerous slippery-slidey floor.
Otis: Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
Doris: Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
The Gingham Umbrella
Alphonso, Alphonso, Alphonso and Arabella
They happened to meet
A man in the street,
Who carried a gingham umbrella.
Alphonso possessed neither manners nor grace,
He made at this person a hideous face;
But how different the conduct of sweet Arabella,
Who praised with politeness the gingham umbrella.
The man was a nobleman, deeply disguised;
The compliment courteous he pointedly prized;
‘Sweet creature,’ he said, ‘come away from this feller,
And take both my heart and my gingham umbrella!’
The very next morning they met in the church,
And foolish Alphonso was left in the lurch;
And they said, ‘In the future you’ll know how to tell a
Great lord from a loon, by his gingham umbrella!’
-Laura Elizabeth Richards (1850 - 1943)
Marshall: What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
Marsha: An umbrellaphant.
We know you can’t wait for it to rain, so that you can try out your new umbrella, with that great new umbrella smell! More fun follows on ‘MFOL!’
And then the bald eagle said, “Just exactly who are you calling ‘bald’?!”
“We’re all born bald, baby.” -Telly Savalas, actor who portrayed the bald detective in the television series “Kojak”
A bald-headed person named Twig
Once went for advice to a pig.
Said the pig, “Make some snares,
And catch a few hares,
And weave the hares into a wig.”
-Willard R. Espy
“You can resent your bald spot or be glad you have a head.” -Timothy Miller
Angelica: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Angus: Because from a distance, they look like hares.
Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover his balding head. One might wonder if that is how the whole silly notion of crowns and tiaras began.
Consolation for Baldness
What’s the advantage of hair, anyhow?
It blows in your eyes and it flops on your brow,
Disguising the shape of your scholarly head;
It often is gray and it sometimes is red.
Perhaps it is golden and ringleted, but
It needs to be combed and it has to be cut,
And even at best, it is nothing to boast of,
Because it’s what barbarous men have the most of,
Then challenge yourself, mirror, defiant and careless,
For lots of our handsomest people are hairless.
Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting visitors, has only to straighten his necktie.
The balding man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair, as there’s so little of it?” “Well,” said the barber, “actually I charge very little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”
Overheard: I am not bald; I am follicly-challenged.
There is a new remedy on the market for baldness. It is made of alum and persimmon juice. While it does not grow hair, it does shrink your head to fit what hair you have remaining.
Enoch: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
Ephraim: “Thanks, I’ll never part with this!”
As Captain Jean-Luc Picard might say, “To baldly go where no man has gone before . . . !”
Overheard: “I’m not bald; I’m just a little taller than my hair.”
One advantage of being completely bald is that a person can wash his or her head with soap only - no need for the bothersome and sometimes confusing array of bottles of shampoos and conditioners. This saves you 78.71 seconds of time each day that you can now put to good use - not to mention the fact that you now no longer need to waste time in the shampoo isle at the store trying to find a shampoo that doesn’t smell like a beautifully fragrant flower growing next to a sewage treatment plant.
Gregory Griggs, Gregory Griggs,
Had twenty-seven different wigs.
He wore them up, he wore them down,
To please the people of the town.
He wore them east, he wore them west,
And never could tell which one he liked best.
Alternatives to wigs include hats and scarves.
Riddle: Six people went swimming but only five got wet hair - why?
Answer: One of the people was bald.
People with hair loss are no different than anyone else. In fact, at one time, they probably had hair just like you do, and at some time, you yourself may have some hair loss. So, when you see a bald man, woman, or child, treat him or her just as you would want to be treated if you were in the same circumstances. And, if a person has hair loss and wears a wig or toupee or has a comb-over, or wears a scarf or hat, never say anything bad about it - in fact, it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself and leave them unsaid than it would be to hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes people do not have a choice in what happens to them, so they do as best they can to live with how their lives have turned out. Still, they too, like to 'Make Fun Of Life!' . . . and they are always welcome here.
“There’s one thing about baldness: It’s neat.” -Don Herold
Bob: What is the cure for dandruff?
“Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.” -Author Unknown
Advice to fools: Bald people are intelligent and perceptive. Do not insult them, unless you are prepared to hear remarks about how one of your ears hangs lower than the other one, or how you have a freckle shaped like an otter on your left elbow and a trio of hairy moles dancing on your neck or some other characteristic that is twenty thousand times worse than what you might imagine baldness to be.
An Old Person of Brigg
There was an old person of Brigg,
Who purchased no end of a wig;
So that only his nose,
And the end of his toes,
Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.
“Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.” -William Hague, commenting on being bald
“I seem to have developed a compulsion to powder my wig . . . about 50 times a day now . . . professionals just don’t seem to be of any help.” -Author Unknown
Baldness: An admirable trait of the ideal human being, according to minimalists and efficiency experts.
Bald people never have bad hair days.
Chris: Why are you staring at me like that?
Kelly: I was just admiring your bald spot.
Some folks say that worry causes hair loss - that when the going gets tough, the tufts get going.
Old Man of Bombay
There once was a man from Bombay
Who wore on his head a toupee.
He thought that he might
Give friends a delight
And remove his toupee for a day.
The most common method to hide a bald spot is to remove all of one’s hair, making one’s entire self a giant bald spot.
An interesting thing about male pattern baldness is that it does not appear to come in checkers or plaids or stripes . . .
“I’ve always wanted to be bald. I mean it, completely bald. Wouldn’t it be great to be bald in the rain?” -Harrison Ford
- What hair color do they put on a bald person’s driver’s license?
- If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, does he or she have to wear a hairnet?
- Is there any way to avoid the ‘chrome dome’ look, in which a bald person’s head becomes shiny and reflective?
- Should bald people pay lower taxes than other taxpayers?
- How should bald people be treated?
“The most delightful advantage to being bald: one can hear snowflakes.” -R. G. Daniels
We have been losing what little hair we still have trying to come up with more baldness and wig humor and facts - can you help us? If so, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. We have more humor and learning on a surprising variety of topics if you will just continue going down this page . . . this way to further ‘Fun & Learning’ . . . on ‘MFOL!’
“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
“A problem well stated is a problem half-solved.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))
“The best angle to approach a problem is from the try angle.” -Author Unknown
“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” -Duke Ellington (1899 - 1974)
“Every big problem was at one time a wee little disturbance.” -Author Unknown
“All life is problem solving.” -Karl Popper (1902 - 1994)
“The easiest way to solve a problem is to pick an easy one.” -Franklin P. Jones (Franklin Pierce Jones (1908 - 1980))
“Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back.” -Paul Erdos (1913 - 1996)
“What a pity human beings can’t exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow’s.” -Olin Miller (1918 - 2002)
“The solution of every problem is another problem.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
Overheard: Everything is figureoutable.
“The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.” -Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
“I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.” -Paul Anderson
“Discovery of a solution consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” -Albert Szent-Györgyi (1893 - 1986)
“A feeling of confidence and personal power comes from facing challenges and overcoming them.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Problems are the price of success.” -Branch Rickey
“. . . so it will be forever; that after every storm the Sun will smile, for every problem there is a solution, and that the soul’s indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer . . .” -William R. Alger (William Rounseville Alger (1822 - 1905)): “The School of Life” (1881), ‘Lesson of Faith,’ page 71
“It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (Ashleigh Ellwood Brilliant (born 1933))
“It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.” -John Steinbeck (John Ernst Steinbeck, Junior (1902 - 1968))
“No problem can be solved until it is reduced to some simple form. The changing of a vague difficulty into a specific, concrete form is a very essential element in thinking.” -J. P. Morgan (John Pierpont ‘J. P.’ Morgan (1837 - 1913))
“There are as many solutions as there are human beings.” -George Tooker (George Clair Tooker, Junior (1920 - 2011))
“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)
“It is no good getting furious if you get stuck. What I do is keep thinking about the problem but work on something else. Sometimes it is years before I see the way forward. In the case of information loss and black holes, it was 29 years.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking (born 1942))
“‘We have a problem.’ ‘Congratulations.’ ‘But it’s a tough problem.’ ‘Then double congratulations.’” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“The one common challenge of all humanity is the challenge of problems.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“After every difficulty, ask yourself two questions: ‘What did I do right?’ and ‘What would I do differently?’” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” -Author Unknown
“Your problems aren’t going to solve themselves, you know.” -Author Unknown
A mollusk has an elegant solution to a problem. When something irritates the lining of its shell, the mollusk responds by coating the irritant in a layer of the same material as the inside of its shell, commonly referred to as mother of pearl. The result is often the highly sought-after shiny smooth hard round object called a pearl. The problem is an irritant; the solution is a pearl. Does the mollusk teach us a lesson for dealing with problems?
“Focus on remedies, not faults.” -Jack Nicklaus (born 1940)
“Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” -Joshua J. Marine
“All problems become smaller if you don’t dodge them, but confront them.” -William F. Halsey (William Frederick ‘Bull’ Halsey (1882 - 1959))
“This problem, too, will look simple after it is solved.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“We will find the solution . . . together.” -Author Unknown
“An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities - a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity.” -Howard W. Eves
“Do not be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom.” -Earl Shoaf (similar quotation attributed to Jim Rohn)
“You are the only problem you will ever have and you are the only solution.” -Bob Proctor
“A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye, and it puts everything out of focus. Hold it at proper viewing distance, and it can be examined and classified. Throw it at your feet, and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway to eternity.” -Celia Luce
“Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.” -Carl Jung (Carl Gustav Jung)
“The best way to escape from your problem is to solve it.” -Robert Anthony
“Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.” -René Descartes (1596 - 1650): “Discours de la Methode” (1637)
“Beset by a difficult problem? Now is your chance to shine. Pick yourself up, get to work, and get triumphantly through it.” -Ralph Marston (born 1955)
“There are no problems, just challenges.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t tell me that this problem is difficult. If it wasn’t difficult, it wouldn’t be a problem.” [English translation]
“Ne me dites pas que ce problème est difficile. S’il n’était pas difficile, ce ne serait pas un problème.” [original French]
-Ferdinand Foch (Ferdinand Jean Marie Foch (1851 - 1929))
“Avoid problems, and you’ll never be the one who overcame them.” -Richard Bach (born 1936)
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” -Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923)
Overheard: All of the easy problems have already been solved.
“It’s good to remember that the tea kettle, although up to its neck in hot water, continues to sing.” -Author Unknown
“Focus on the solution, not the problem.” -Walter Anderson
“Every problem contains within itself the seeds of its own solution.” -Stanley Arnold
“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.” -Author Unknown
“When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“It isn’t that they can’t see the solution. It is that they can’t see the problem.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
“When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970)): “The Psychology of Science” (1966)
“Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.” -Henry J. Kaiser (Henry John Kaiser (1882 - 1967))
“Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles.” -Arnold Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998))
“No problem is so complicated that you cannot make it more complicated.” -Andy Grove (Andrew Stephen ‘Andy’ Grove (1936 - 2016))
“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek out problems because we need their gifts.” -Richard Bach (born 1936)
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” -Denis Waitley (born 1933)
“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” -Alan Watts (Alan Wilson Watts (1915 - 1973))
Problems worthy of attack
prove their worth by hitting back.
-Piet Hein (1905 - 1996)
“Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“The issue is not that our problems are too big but that our imaginations are too small.” -Marianne Williamson (born 1952)
“It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.” -Pope John XXIII (born Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli (1881 - 1963))
“Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“The most important thing to do in solving a problem is to begin.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)
“The first requisite for success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem incessantly without growing weary.” -Herbert Spencer
“The ‘how’ thinker gets problems solved effectively because he wastes no time with futile ‘ifs.’” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.” -Theodore N. Vail
“I am so grateful for my troubles. As I reflect back on my life, I have come to realize that my greatest triumphs have been born of my greatest troubles.” -Steve Maraboli (born 1975): “Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience” (2013)
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“To solve a problem, walk around.” -Jerome (also known as Eusebius Sophronius Hieronymus (about C.E. 347 - C.E. 420))
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . may all of your problems be funny ones . . . and all of your solutions be fun . . .
A tongue twister is a group of words that gets your tang all tongueled up . . .
On Holidays and Fridays
Down the slippery slide they slid
Sitting slightly sideways;
Slipping swiftly, see them skid,
On holidays and Fridays.
Katie saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Grin-Again Gang Gets Gung-Ho About Gladness.
Tongue twisters consist of sequences of sounds, typically of an alliterative type (we will have more to say about that in our upcoming ‘Alliterations’ topic; suffice it to say for now that they are repeated sounds). Tongue twisters are difficult to pronounce quickly and correctly, as for example, ‘Matilda tied twine to three tree twigs.’ Tongue twisters can help people develop their speech skills, and are used in speech therapy as an aid in helping people overcome stammers, stutters, lisps, and accents. To obtain the full benefit of a tongue twister, try to repeat it several times, as quickly as possible, without stumbling or mispronouncing the words. Remember, practice makes perfect.
A tiny tiger thinks tough thoughts.
Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
An oyster met an oyster,
And they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters,
And they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk,
And they were oyster stew.
Six slippery snails suddenly slid seaward.
Betty Botter had some butter,
“But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter
would make my batter better.”
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So ‘twas better that Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
-Carolyn Wells (1862 - 1942)
How many tweets could a tweeter tweet, if a tweeter could tweet tweets? A tweeter would tweet as many tweets as a tweeter could tweet, if a tweeter could tweet tweets.
There once was a man who had a sister, his name was Mr. Fister. Mr. Fister’s sister sold sea shells by the sea shore. Mr. Fister didn’t sell sea shells, he sold silk sheets. Mr. Fister told his sister that he sold six silk sheets to six sheiks. The sister of Mr. Fister said she sold six shells to six sheiks, too!
She Sells Sea-Shells
She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore;
The shells she sells are sea-shells, I’m sure,
For if she sells sea-shells on the sea-shore,
Then I’m sure she sells sea-shore shells.
-Terry Sullivan: “She Sells Sea-Shells” (1908), song; music by Harry Gifford
Some soldiers shudder when shrill shells shriek.
The zany zoo’s zesty zebra zigzags with zeal.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Don’t say it with your mouth full!
Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid* will eat ivy too, now wouldn’t you?
* kid: a young goat.
“In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire hurricanes hardly ever happen.” -Author Unknown: “My Fair Lady” (25 December 1964), a musical based upon George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950): “Pygmalion” (16 October 1913)
Sally Swim and Sadie Slee
Sally Swim saw Sadie Slee
Slowly, sadly swinging.
“She seems sorrowful,” said she.
So she started singing.
Sadie smiled: soon swiftly swung;
Sitting straight, steered swiftly.
“So,” said Sally, “something sung
Scatters sunshine swiftly!”
Five fat friars furiously fanned flames for frying frogs’ legs.
Silly Sally’s Sheep
Silly Sally swiftly shooed
Seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack;
Sheep should sleep in a shed.
“Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop,” said the shiny sign.
Bust to Dust
A maid with a duster
Made a furious bluster
Dusting a bust in the hall.
When the bust it was dusted
The bust it was busted,
The bust it was dust, that’s all.
Sarah saw a shot-silk sash shop full of shot-silk sashes as the sunshine shone on the side of the shot-silk sash shop.
Shut the Shutter
“Go, my son, and shut the shutter,”
This I heard a mother utter.
“Shutter’s shut,” the boy did mutter,
“I can’t shut ’er any shutter.”
“Little by little and whittle by whittle the whittler whittled a little winged warbler of willow wood.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
In the movie “Singin’ in the Rain” (1 January 1952), voice coaches use tongue twisters to help silent film actors Don Lockwood (played by actor Gene Kelly) and Lina Lamont (played by actress Jean Hagen) learn proper diction so that they can make the transition from silent films to talkies (movies with sound) in 1920’s Hollywood. In the movie “My Fair Lady” (25 December 1964), phonetics Professor Henry Higgins (played by Rex Harrison), made use of the tongue twister “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” as an aid in training flower girl Eliza Doolittle (played by Audrey Hepburn) to speak without a Cockney accent and to speak like a proper English lady. In the movie “The King’s Speech” (6 September 2010), speech therapist Lionel Logue (played by actor Geoffrey Rush) trains Prince Albert, Duke of York, later to become King George VI (played by actor Colin Firth) to overcome his stammer using the tongue twister, “I have a sieve full of sifted thistles and a sieve full of unsifted thistles, because I am a thistle sifter,” so that he can make public speeches. These are examples, the first two fictional and the second based on actual historical events, in which tongue twisters were used to help people correct or change how they spoke.
How much myrtle would a wood turtle hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle? A wood turtle would hurdle as much myrtle as a wood turtle could hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle.
A Twister of Twists
A twister of twists once twisted a twist,
And the twist she was twisting
Was a three-twisted twist.
And in twisting this twist
She became entwisted -
Will you pray untwist
The three-twisted twist
In which the twister of twists is entwisted?
Say each number and letter aloud:
2 Y’s U R.
2 Y’s U B.
I C U R.
2 Y’s 4 me!
I wish I hadn’t washed this wristwatch.
I’ve washed all the wheels and works.
This wristwatch which was washed,
Oh, how it jumps and jerks!
Samuel said several slippery slithering snakes snickered snootily.
How many cookies could a good cook cook, if a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook would cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
How much wood
Would a woodchuck chuck,
If a woodchuck
Could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck
All the wood he could chuck,
If a woodchuck
Could chuck wood.
Rubber baby buggy bumpers. (Say it three times fast!)
The Smothers brothers’ father’s mother’s brothers are the Smothers brothers’ mother’s father’s other brothers.
Bear and Boar
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar.
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
Of that boar that bored him on the moor,
And so one morn he bored the boar -
That boar will bore the bear no more!
“Work will win when wishy washy wishing won’t.” -Thomas S. Monson (born 1927)
Two tree toads tied together tried to trot to town twice.
(We’re thinking it must have been similar to one of those three-legged races humans have.)
Six sly sailors sold seven slightly salted salmon.
Mr. See and Mr. Soar
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw
Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw,
See’s saw would not have sawed
So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See’s saw sawed
If you wanted to become the world’s foremost authority on tongue-twisters, how would you start, and then what would be your next step, and your next step after that? Could you find employment in the language or speech department of a university?
You’ve No Need to Light a Night-Light
You’ve no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light’s light’s a slight light,
And tonight’s a night that’s light.
When a night’s light, like tonight’s light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.
How many cans could a camel can if a camel could can cans?
Three free throws.
Tongue twisters can be used just for fun, yet tongue twisters can also be used to treat hiccups; aid in overcoming speech defects such as lisps and stuttering; test the fit of dentures; assist in screening applicants for positions as announcers and broadcasters; and reduce violence between people (as part of an overall effort at humor). It’s true!
“Martha makes marvelous muffins,” muttered Matthew.
A pop-up blocker blocks bothersome pop-ups.
The following is a diction test for would-be radio announcers, “To be read clearly, without mistakes, in less than 20 seconds.”
“I bought a bit of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits. Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits and mixed the big biscuits with the basket of biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a tin of sardines.”
-Author Unknown: “Coronet Magazine” (August 1948)
Sometimes Cheryl thinks such soft thoughts.
Eleven elves laughingly licked eleven little licorice lollipops.
Imagine if instead of ‘tongue twisters,’ they were called ‘tongue ticklers,’ and every time you tried to say one, you started laughing uncontrollably . . . what a wonderful world that would be!
Wandering Walter went to Wales to watch walruses.
Do tell, do tongue twisters twist your tongue terribly? Anyone can make a tongue twister, no special skills required, and so with great anticipation, we eagerly await the arrival of your tongue twisters at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. May the bluebird of happiness be always perched upon your windowsill with a bright song in its heart!
I fill my mind with positive thoughts that create positive outcomes.
What are affirmations? Affirmations are expressions that can transform your life by influencing the way you think about yourself, others, and the world around you. When you change how you think, you change how you act, and the results can be immensely rewarding.
Today, I will concentrate on taking one step forward, however small it might be.
Today I will be the best me that I know how to be.
Following is the ‘formula’ first used at the clinic of psychologist Émile Coué in Nancy, France. What he called his ‘formula’ was an affirmation, which he prescribed to his patients, to be repeated by them 15 to 20 times in the morning and again in the evening of each day:
“Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” -Émile Coué (Émile Coué de la Châtaigneraie (1857 - 1926)): “How to Practice Suggestion and Autosuggestion” (1923)
A limerick may provide further insight:
On Monsieur Coué
This very remarkable man
Commends a most practical plan:
You can do what you want
If you don’t think you can’t,
So don’t think you can’t - think you can.
-Charles Cuthbert Inge (1868 - 1957): “The Week-end Book” (1928), page 217
I am intelligent and capable of success in any endeavor which I may choose.
“As long as you know what it is you desire, then by simply affirming that it is yours - firmly and positively, with no ifs, buts, or maybes - over and over again, from the minute you arise in the morning until the time you go to sleep at night, and as many times during the day as your work or activities permit, you will be drawn to those people, places, and events that will bring your desires to you.” -Scott Reed
I have confidence.
New opportunities are calling to me and I am ready to answer the call.
You can create your own affirmations, or select affirmations from those found in this topic that you believe best apply to you and your particular circumstances. Write your affirmations on a piece of paper, and place it where you will be sure to read it daily, as for example, on your car dashboard, on your refrigerator door, or on your bedroom mirror. You could also type affirmations into your cell phone or other device. If you keep a diary or journal, consider challenging yourself to write a new affirmation in it for each day.
What I have done before I can do again, even better.
“I am optimistic and confident in all that I do. I affirm only the best for myself and others. I am the creator of my life and my world. I meet daily challenges gracefully and with complete confidence. I fill my mind with positive, nurturing, and healing thoughts.” -Alice Potter
I like fresh salads.
“It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief, and once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.” -Claude M. Bristol (Claude Myron Bristol (1891 - 1951)): “The Magic of Believing” (1948)
I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
“I am - the two most powerful words in the world, for whatever we put after them becomes our reality.” -Susan Howson
I am worthy of the respect, attention, and love that I receive from others.
“Affirmations are a form of thought training - training yourself how to think, just as running every day conditions an athlete to compete in a footrace, or studying every day prepares a student for a test.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
I see the best in myself and others.
I have confidence to try new things.
“You are what you think about all day long.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
I feel good about myself.
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
I am stronger than everything that happened in the past.
I am stronger than my present circumstances.
I am strong today and will be even stronger tomorrow.
I appreciate and acknowledge the participation and contributions of others.
“One comes to believe whatever one repeats to oneself sufficiently often, whether the statement be true of false. It comes to be dominating thought in one’s mind.” -Robert Collier (1885 - 1950)
I can face my fears and work to overcome them.
“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993)
I focus on what I can do right now.
“What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.” -Robert Collier (1885 - 1950)
“I’m not here to be average, I’m here to be awesome!” -Author Unknown
The ghosts of my past can no longer haunt me.
I enjoy saving money and investing money.
“I really like who I am.” -Geordi Laforge, character played by actor LeVar Burton in the “Star Trek” television episode “Loud as a Whisper” (9 January 1989)
I will remain confident and unaffected by negative attitudes around me.
Life is good and getting better.
“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” -Watty Piper (pseudonym of Arnold H. Munk (1886 - 1957)): “The Little Engine That Could” (1930)
I am patient with myself.
I begin working on tasks the moment the thought of the tasks occurs to me.
“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.” -Otto Rank (1884 - 1939)
I can live my life without knowing all of the answers.
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” -attributed to Solomon: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Book of Proverbs,’ chapter 23, verse 7
I feel happiness and joy just from being alive.
“If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it I know I can achieve it.” -Author Unknown
I am able to relax and maintain good form when around strangers or in unfamiliar situations.
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” -Al Franken (born 1951), playing the character Stuart Smalley on “Saturday Night Live” (9 February 1991)
I can help others without expecting them to give me anything in return.
I am at peace with myself and the Universe.
“Affirmations provide a way to inoculate against negative thinking.” -Author Unknown
I will live as if my dreams are possible, and work each day to make them happen.
I am a good person.
I feel great when I go on a walk.
I am a responsible person.
“Every word you speak and every thought you think is an affirmation for your future.” -Cheryl Richardson at http://www.cherylrichardson.com/
I like who I am becoming.
I speak with confidence and calm assurance.
What is self-talk? Self-talk is simply another term for affirmations. You can choose to say affirmations aloud, or say them silently to yourself, or write them on paper or read them.
I keep myself in excellent physical condition.
I always have time for my friends.
I can learn how to live with pain so that I can get what I want from my life.
“The most influential person who will talk to you all day is you, so you should be very careful about what you say to you!” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
Today I am planting the seeds of new beginnings.
I am a friendly person.
“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
I am doing pretty good - how can I do better?
I seek new adventures.
“I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.” -Louise L. Hay (Louise Lynn Hay (born 1926)) at www.louisehay.com
I am in charge of my feelings, and today I am choosing happiness.
“My life is my business. I don’t let somebody else run it.” -Author Unknown
I am too blessed to be stressed!
If we are what we think about, what should we think about?
I am divinely guided in all that I do.
“Our minds can shape the way a thing will be because we act according to our expectations.” -Federico Fellini (1920 - 1993)
I am a good listener.
I will imagine the best and focus on that.
I am living in the present moment: the here and now.
“Say affirmations ‘as if’ they were already a reality.” -Author Unknown
I can enjoy leisure without guilt and anxiety.
I can handle criticism with ease.
Today I view my childhood without shame.
I am a friend to myself. I love me.
I am ready for a fresh start, a new perspective, and an ‘I can do it’ attitude.
Do you have a favorite affirmation? Please share it with the other fine folks who visit the website, by sending it to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com, and perhaps it will become one of their favorites as well. This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . wishing you the best imaginable day and miles or kilometers of smiles.
All things considered, activities such as skydiving are less dangerous to your health and longevity than eating starchy foods and staring at a computer screen day after day . . . give yourself a break!
“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” -Byron Katie (born 1942)
“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which came to me as a seed goes to the next as a blossom and that which came to me as a blossom, goes on as fruit.” -Dawna Markova: “I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion” (1 October 2000)
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” -John Heywood (1497 - 1580): “A Dialogue of Proverbs” (1546)
“You have to be careful about being too careful.” -Beryl Pfizer (1928 - 2016)
“Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages $25 per week.” -Author Unknown: Pony Express advertisement (1860)
“What is life, but one long risk?” -Dorothy Canfield Fisher (1879 - 1958)
“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
“I risked much, but I made much.” -P. T. Barnum (Phineas T. Barnum (1810 - 1891))
“All men’s gains are the fruit of venturing.” -Herodotus (484 B.C.E. - 425 B.C.E.)
“The greatest rewards in life go to the risk takers.” -Jim McCormick
“Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.” -David Lloyd George (1863 - 1945)
“They say we are all one risk away from being financially independent.” -Author Unknown
“‘You’ve got to be able to make those daring leaps or you’re nowhere,’ said Muskrat.” -Russell Hoban (Russell Conwell Hoban (1925 - 2011)): “The Mouse and His Child” (1967)
The Cautious Man
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played.
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied.
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never died.
“Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.” -Karl Wallenda
Aaron on the side of caution!
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” -Neale Donald Walsch (born 1943)
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” -Norah Jones (Geetali Norah Jones Shankar (born 1979))
“The greatest happiness begins at the edge of our comfort zone.” -Mary Kay Mueller
“There is no security on this Earth; there is only opportunity.” -Douglas MacArthur (1880 - 1964)
“We all live our lives in comfort zones, avoiding risky situations, avoiding the potential to fail. But in order to get ahead of your competition, you’ve got to go out of your comfort zone. Now your comfort zone is something that you live your whole day, you whole life in. You go to work and do what has to be done to get by. You’ve got to try to do more. Try that little new thing, that different approach. Get out of your comfort zone and see if it works. It may, it may not, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.” -Mary Lou Retton
“And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” -Erica Jong (Erica Mann Jong (born 1942))
“There’s as much risk in doing nothing as in doing something.” -Trammel Crow
“Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (born 1940)
“The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.” -Leo Buscaglia (Felice Leonardo ‘Leo’ Buscaglia, also known as Leo F. Buscaglia (1924 - 1998))
“There’s no such thing as a risk-free life.” -Author Unknown
“Just remember, kid: if it doesn’t kill you, it makes a great story later on.” -Adam Savage
“Take risks - if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.” -Author Unknown
“You fail by not taking risks.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Land is always in the mind of the flying birds.” -Author Unknown
“Better hazard once than always be in fear.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)
“The only way to be absolutely safe is never to try anything for the first time.” -Magnus Pyke
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.” -John A. Shedd (John Augustus Shedd (1859 - 1928)): “Salt from My Attic” (1928), page 20 (similar quotation attributed to William G. T. Shedd)
“If you’re never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.” -Julia Sorel (pseudonym of Rosalyn Drexler): “See How She Runs” (1978)
“When you play it too safe, you’re taking the biggest risk of your life. Time is the only wealth we’re given.” -Barbara Sher
“Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.” -Herodotus (484 B.C.E. - 425 B.C.E.)
“Anything can be achieved in small, deliberate steps. But there are times you need the courage to take a great leap; you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.” -Author Unknown
“It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all.” -William James (1842 - 1910): “The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy” (1897)
“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.” -Henry Drummond
“Life is not without risk; life is a series of risks; all life is risk; life is a risk; life is risk.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” -Sarah Ban Breathnach (born 1947)
“Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.” -George S. Patton (George Smith Patton, Junior (1885 - 1945))
“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” -Author Unknown
“I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” -Kurt Vonnegut (Kurt Vonnegut, Junior (1922 - 2007))
“Security is not the meaning of my life. Great opportunities are worth the risk.” -Shirley Hufstedler (Shirley Ann Mount Hufstedler (1925 - 2016))
“Don’t play for safety. It’s the most dangerous thing in the world.” -Hugh Walpole
“Leap and the net will appear.” -John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
“The policy of being too cautious is the greatest risk of all.” -Jawaharlal Nehru (1889 - 1964)
“Naught venture, naught have.” -Thomas Tusser (about 1524 - 1580)
“If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.” -Neil Simon (born 1927)
“He that would have the fruit must climb the tree.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)
“Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on Earth for you. Act for yourself.” -Katherine Mansfield (1888 - 1923): “Journal” (14 October 1922)
“Look before you leap.” -Robert Greene (1558 - 1592): “Greenes Never Too Late” (1590)
“If you don’t live on the edge, you can’t see the view.” -Vicky Corrington
“Take a risk a day - one small or bold stroke that makes you feel great once you’ve done it.” -Susan Jeffers (1938 - 2012)
“Everything you want in life is right outside your comfort zone.” -Robert Allen
“Yes, risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking.” -Tim McMahon (born 1949)
“Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.” -Author Unknown
“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” -Colin Cowherd
“Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.” -Author Unknown
“The person who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure thing boat never gets far from shore.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“If you take no risks, you’ll never be hurt, but you won’t really live, either.” -James Shiovitz (James L. Shiovitz)
“It is not given us to live lives of undisrupted calm, boredom, and mediocrity. It is given us to be edge-dwellers.” -Jay Deacon
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Live dangerously and you live right.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
“We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring.” -David Grayson (1870 - 1946)
“The secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is - to live dangerously!” -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900): “Die fröhliche Wissenschaft” (“The Gay Science”) (1882), book 4
“If you risk nothing, then you risk everything.” -Geena Davis
“The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.” -Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937): as attributed in Ichak Adizes: “How to Solve the Mismanagement Crisis” (1979)
Affirmation: “I will subject myself to life’s challenges so that I may know the grace of survival.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: Take a chance; you never know what might happen.
“Who dares nothing, need hope for nothing.” -Friedrich von Schiller (Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller (1759 - 1805)): “Don Carlos” (1787) play
“Of course risk taking does not always pay off. But it’s a lot of fun!” -Mary Wesley
“The future belongs to the risk takers, not the comfort seekers.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“He that is overcautious will accomplish nothing.” [English translation]
“Wer gar zu viel bedenkt, wird wenig leisten.” [original German]
- Friedrich von Schiller (Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller (1759 - 1805)): “Wilhelm Tell” (1804)
“The desire for security stands against every great and noble enterprise.” -Tacitus (about C.E. 56 - about C.E. 120)
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” -T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888-1965))
“If it’s both terrifying and amazing, then you should definitely pursue it.” -Author Unknown
“Without the very few risk takers who risk it all, none of us would enjoy freedom, because tyrants and oppressors are fearless in their determination to control humanity and the world, and the majority will do absolutely nothing to stop them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“If you don’t take risks, you will always work for someone who does.” -Author Unknown
“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” -Denis Waitley
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . try it, you might like it; if not, you can later say, “I tried that once, it didn’t suit me at all.”
“Impossible things are simply those which so far have never been done.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
“Never let the word ‘impossible’ stop you from pursuing what your heart and spirit urge you to do. Impossible things come true every day.” -Robert Cooper
“Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.” -Author Unknown
“You can’t pick a lock with a pickle, you can’t cure the sick with a sickle, pluck figs with a figment, drive pigs with a pigment, nor make your watch tick with a tickle. You can’t slacken your gait with a gaiter, you can’t get a crate with a crater, catch moles with a molar, or bake rolls with a roller. But you can get a wait from a waiter.” -Author Unknown: in “Sunshine Magazine”
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” -Pablo Picasso (Pablo Diego Jose Francisco do Paula Juan Nepomuceno Cipriano de la Santissima Trinidad (1881 - 1973))
“When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible.” -Nancy Coey
“The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.” -Richard M. DeVos
“We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.” -Vince Lombardi (Vincent Thomas Lombardi (1913 - 1970))
“I have learned to use the word ‘impossible’ with the greatest caution.” -Wernher von Braun (Wernher Magnus Maximilian, Freiherr von Braun (1912 - 1977))
“Impossible: A word that is to be found only in the dictionaries of fools.” -Author Unknown
“You have to believe in the impossible.” -Howard Head
“I believe anything is possible. Research into quantum physics proves that a system changes simply by someone observing it. Therefore, all you have to do is be awake and aware of your environment, and that enables you to transform everything around you. It sounds like hocus pocus, but scientists are coming to realize that just thinking about something can make it happen. Turns out maybe faith can move mountains.” -Christine Anderson
“The impossible is possible if you want it to be.” -Author Unknown
“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” -Walt Disney (Walter Elias ‘Walt’ Disney (1901 - 1966)): as attributed in Derek Walker: “Animated Architecture” (December 1982), page 10
“We have no limits - we create them in our mind.” -Bud Labranche
“Most of the things worth doing in the world were said to be impossible before they were done.” -Louis Brandeis (Louis Dembitz Brandeis (1856 - 1941))
“Things that are impossible just take longer.” -Ian Hickson
“The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.” -Arthur C. Clarke (Arthur Charles Clarke (1917 - 2008))
“There is nothing impossible to him who will try.” -Alexander of Macedonia (also known as Alexander the Great (356 B.C.E. - 323 B.C.E.))
“The impossible is often the untried.” -Jim Goodwin
“Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said. ‘One can’t believe impossible things.’ ‘I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.’” -Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898)): “Through the Looking-Glass” (1872), chapter 5
“What is impossible today that if made possible would change everything?” -Joel Barker
“Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.” -Doug Larson (1902 - 1981)
“It is our duty as human beings to proceed as though the limits of our capabilities do not exist.” -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881 - 1955)
Impossible: Something that nobody can do - until somebody does it!
“If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything, including those things that other people are certain are impossible.” -William L. Phelps (William Lyon Phelps (1865 - 1943))
“Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.” -John Heywood (about 1497 - 1580): “Proverbs” (1546)
“Yes, you can be a dreamer and a doer too, if you will remove one word from your vocabulary: impossible.” -Robert Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“Nothing is impossible.” -Author Unknown
“The difficult is what takes a little time; the impossible is what takes a little longer.” -Fridtjof Nansen (1861 - 1930): as quoted in the “Listener” (14 December 1939)
“Everything is always impossible before it works.” -Hunt Green
“What we need are more people who specialize in the impossible.” -Theodore Roethke (1908 - 1963)
“Nothing is impossible; the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993) (similar quotation attributed to Monsieur Nana Adom)
“You can do the impossible, because you have been through the unimaginable.” -Christina Rasmussen (born 1972)
“When someone tells you that you can’t do something, perhaps you should consider that they are only telling you what they can’t do.” -Sheldon Cahoon
“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” -Francis of Assisi (1181 - 1226)
“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.” -Author Unknown: Adidas print advertisement featuring an image of Muhammad Ali published in “ESPN” (1972) magazine, as attributed in John C. Maxwell: “The Difference Maker” (2006), page 53
“Everything is always impossible before it works.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
“It is the act of a madman to pursue impossibilities.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180))
“Every great achievement was once considered impossible.” -Author Unknown
“Do not suppose that, if you find something hard to achieve, it is beyond human capacity; rather, if something is possible and appropriate for man, assume that it must also be within your own reach.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180)): “The Meditations” (C.E. 167)
“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” -Author Unknown
“To get profit without risk, experience without danger, and reward without work is as impossible as it is to live without being born.” -A. P. Gouthey (Aldolph Philip Gouthey (some sources may show Adolph Philip Gouthey) (1892 - 1963))
“All things are possible until they are proved impossible and even the impossible may only be so, as of now.” -Pearl S. Buck (Pearl Sydenstricker Buck (1892 - 1973)): “A Bridge for Passing” (1962)
“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” -Jamie Paolinetti
“It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.” -Robert H. Goddard (Robert Hutchings ‘Bob’ Goddard (1882 - 1945))
“To believe a Business impossible, is the Way to make it so.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 5138
“You cannot make a silk purse of a sow’s ear.” -Stephen Gosson (1554 - 1624): “The Ephemerides of Phialo” (1579)
“So many things are possible just as long as you don’t know they’re impossible.” -Norton Juster: “The Phantom Tollbooth” (1961)
“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” -Walter Bagehot (1826 - 1877)
“Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott
“There is no limitation other than what you think.” -Kenneth Mills
“Anything in life is possible if you make it happen. And it’s never too late.” -Jack La Lanne
“When someone tells you it can’t be done, it’s more a reflection of their limitations, not yours.” -Author Unknown
“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man’s determination.” -Tommy Lasorda
“Never tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the Moon.” -Paul Brandt
“What ‘exists’ is only a small part of what is ‘possible.’” -Pere Alberch
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible” (NIV), ‘Matthew,’ chapter 19, verse 26
“Think of the thing you cannot do, and then do it.” -Author Unknown
“Every noble work is at first impossible.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“It’s going to be difficult, but difficult is not impossible.” -Author Unknown
“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities - always see them, for they’re always there.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Either I will find a way, or I will make one.” -Philip Sidney (1554 - 1586)
“Most of the things worth doing in the world have been declared impossible before they were attempted.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“What is now proven was once only imagined.” -William Blake (1757 - 1827): “Proverbs of Hell” (1790 - 1793)
“All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible.” -Frank Richards
“There is a better way to spell ‘impossible’: ‘I’m possible.’” -Author Unknown
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . wishing you many trouble-free days as you make your way through this world of the possible . . .
Yummy, the Earth is a giant ball of rabbit food . . . you said a mouthful!
Albert: Do you know why rabbits jump?
Elbert: Is it because they are in a hoppy mood?
Rabbits are extremely quiet, fast moving animals with big eyes, whiskers, and short tails. They have medium-length, thick fur that is white, tan, brown, gray, or black, with some having more than one color to their fur. Size varies among the different species of rabbits and between wild rabbits and domesticated rabbits. Generally, fully-grown rabbits can be 20 to 60 centimeters (8 inches to 24 inches) in length from nose to tail. They have big ears that can be up to 10 centimeters (4 inches) long, to listen for danger. Rabbits can weigh 0.5 kilograms to 3 kilograms (1.1 to 6.6 pounds). Rabbits have big, powerful hind legs, which they use for hopping and for digging burrows in the ground.
Cynthia: Why does your rabbit always have a shiny nose?
Cecilia: Because it has its powder puff on the wrong end.
- An adult male rabbit is called a buck or a jack.
- An adult female rabbit is called a doe or a jill.
- A young rabbit is called a bunny or a bunny rabbit.
- A group of rabbits is called a colony or a nest.
- The sounds made by rabbits are called squeaking and drumming.
- Rabbits are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- A rabbit in the wild usually lives for less than 3 years.
- A rabbit in captivity can live for about 8 years.
Abbie: What kind of cars do rabbits drive?
Rabbits live in a variety of environments, including deserts, swamps, marshes, forests, grasslands, and prairies. They are found on every continent except Antarctica. More than half of the world’s rabbits live in North America.
Gwendolyn: How do you comb a rabbit’s fur?
Glenard: With a harebrush.
Although they look similar enough to be confused one for the other, rabbits and hares are actually two different species of animals. One notable difference is that hares are not domesticated and cannot be kept as pets. Hares are wild animals. Rabbits, however, come in wild and domesticated varieties.
Mercy: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
Marcy: “It’s been nice gnawing you!”
Rabbits are herbivores, or plant-eaters. They eat grasses, herbs, leaves, bark, twigs - and they are especially partial to the vegetables that grow in people’s gardens.
“Once upon a time there were four little Rabbits, and their names were - Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter . . .” “You may go into the fields or down the lane, but don’t go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.” -Beatrix Potter: “The Tale of Peter Rabbit” (1902)
Cindy: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Mindy: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!
Rabbits dig homes in the ground called burrows. Rabbits are gregarious animals, meaning that they often live in groups. A group of rabbit burrows connected by tunnels is called a warren, and a group of rabbits is called a colony.
Josie: How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?
Joey: Only one, if it hops right to it!
Bunnies, or young rabbits, are born in burrows (with the exception of the cottontail rabbit, which does not burrow). Does, or the mother rabbits, make fur-lined nests for their bunnies, within their burrows. Bunnies are born blind, with their eyes closed, and without fur.
An infant rabbit had lost its parents and was orphaned. Fortunately, though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This led to some strange behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency to not jump, but instead run around like the other squirrels. One day the rabbit was really feeling sad, so it went to its squirrel adoptive parents to discuss the problem. After explaining to them how it felt different from its squirrel adoptive siblings, they gave it a big hug and said, “Don’t scurry, be hoppy!”
Warren: What do you call a rabbit that tells jokes?
Aaron: A funny bunny!
Wild rabbit populations can increase very quickly. This can be a major problem for people living in areas where they can eat the crops planted by farmers and gardeners. Feral rabbits, or domesticated rabbits that run around loose and live like wild animals, can also be a serious threat to the plants humans value. If you have pet rabbits, never let them go loose, or they will create the same problems as wild rabbits.
Russell: Why did the bunny go to the dance?
Randal: To do the bunny hop!
In 1859, 24 rabbits were released in Australia, and within six years, the population had grown to two million rabbits.
Kimmy: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Timmy: Unique up on it.
Kimmy: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Timmy: Tame way.
“Shhhhhhhh, be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits, heheheheheheh.” -Elmer Fudd
Marcia: How do you fix a broken wascawy wabbit hunter?
Cindy: With Elmer’s glue.
Rabbits in the wild live for less than 3 years because they have a great many predators. Predators are animals that hunt, kill, and eat other animals. Predators of rabbits include bobcats, coyotes, dogs, eagles, foxes, hawks, humans, lynxes, raccoons, and weasels.
Bob: What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
Rob: A very dumb bunny!
“When the wolf invites the rabbit to dinner, the rabbit should first know what is on the menu.” -Author Unknown
Rabbits can reach speeds of 29 kilometers (18 miles) an hour. They must be able to move fast so that they can outrun predatory animals that want to eat them.
Becca: What is a twip?
Becky: A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
Congratulations, you have caught the Easter Bunny . . . well, almost. Shown is a Flemish Giant Rabbit, a type of domesticated rabbit that can be kept as a pet. They average about 6.8 kilograms (15 pounds) in weight and can be just a little over 1.2 meters (4 feet) long. These docile floppity-woppity flopsie-wopsies are available in black, blue, fawn, sandy, light gray, steel gray, and white - so there is sure to be one to complement your decor. Visit http://flemish-giant.com.
Rabbits talk to each over short distances other by thumping, or tapping, their feet on the ground, in a similar way to how elephants communicate.
Jack: What do you call one-hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
Zack: A receding hairline!
Before you adopt pet rabbits, you will want to know a little about their ways. Rabbits were at one time classified as rodents (animals of the order Rodentia), but in 1912, they were moved to an order of animals called lagomorphs (animals of the order Lagomorpha). Lagomorphs are strict herbivores (plant eaters), while rodents are omnivores (eaters of both plants and animals). Lagomorphs have four upper incisors (teeth designed for cutting), but rodents have only two. A similarity between lagomorphs and rodents is that the incisors of both types of animals grow constantly throughout their lifetimes, necessitating the regular (often daily) chewing of material to keep them short enough for proper use. If you have pets belonging to either order, you may find they chew on their wire cages or other enclosures, not because they are misbehaving or trying to escape, but because it is essential for them to keep their incisor teeth short, much as humans need to regularly trim their fingernails. It is recommended that you supply your pets with material for them to chew on, such as blocks of raw wood, which is wood that has not been painted, varnished, or treated with preservative chemicals. People at your local pet supply store should be able to give your more information about this.
Bess: What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
Ross: A 14-carrot ring!
I’d like to run like a rabbit in hops,
With occasional intermediate stops.
He is so cute when he lifts his ears,
And looks around to see what he hears.
Your rabbit should always have clean, fresh water available. Wash out its water bowl daily, or if you use a bottle, empty it daily, wash the bottle, cap, and nozzle, and refill with fresh, clean water. A hydrated, or adequately supplied with water, rabbit is a happy rabbit.
Peter: What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider?
Greg: A hairnet.
People often keep rabbits in hutches. A typical rabbit hutch is made of a wire cage with a wire floor and a latched door, and is attached to a wooden box with a latched lid, angled so that rainwater and melting snow will drain off it like it does off the slanted roof of a house. The rabbits can freely go back and forth in an opening between the wire cage and the wooden box. The cage and box have legs attached to them, keeping the hutch off the ground and at a height that allows easy access to the animals through the cage door and box lid.
A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. “What are you doing in there?” she asked. The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?” The lady furrowed her brow. “Why, yes,” she said, “it is.” “Well,” the rabbit said, “I’m westing.”
A bunny, or young rabbit, can be carried by the scruff of its neck. The scruff is an area of loose skin at the nape, or back of the neck, that can be gripped and held while lifting a bunny, and if done carefully, no harm will be done to the animal. Mother rabbits move bunnies by gripping the scruffs of their necks in their mouths. Humans, of course, should use their hands, to avoid getting a mouthful of rabbit fur. When rabbits become fully-grown, they weigh more, so carrying adult rabbits by the scruff of their necks can be painful for them, and additionally, being prey animals, they have a natural urge to resist, that is, to fight against and attempt to escape from, anyone who attempts to grab onto them. Always keep in mind that rabbits have sharp teeth, sharp claws, and strong hind legs that can deliver a powerful kick. When lifted, an adult rabbit should be held with both hands, firmly but gently. As a rabbit becomes trusting of you, you may be able to scoop it up in your bent arm and hold it against your chest.
Andy: Where do rabbits eat breakfast?
DeAnne: At IHOP! (International House Of Pancakes - let’s hop on over there for some chow right now!)
Pet rabbits that live inside people’s homes are often referred to as ‘house rabbits.’
Son: Dad, how do you catch a rabbit?
Dad: Boy, in order to catch a rabbit, you must hide behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot, and when a rabbit comes along, you reach out and grab it!
If you have a rabbit, find a local veterinarian who is familiar with rabbits. The veterinarian can tell you if your rabbit is healthy, and if it needs a change in diet, vitamins, shots, or a salt block. The vet can also answer any rabbit-related questions you might have.
- In Tuscumbia, Alabama, it is against the law to have more than eight rabbits per city block.
- In Hayden, Arizona, if you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
- In Kansas, rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
- In New York State, it is illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.
- In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.
Bud: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
Mack: An animal that never forgets to eat its carrots!
A Welsh rabbit, also known as a Welsh rarebit, is a dish of melted cheese on toast.
Estelle more Ether Bunnies!
Somoa Ether Bunnies!
Consumption be done about all these Ether Bunnies?
Hop away - Ether Bunnies all gone!
Flopsy: What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits?
Mopsy: Rabbits’ habits.
Rabbits are scientifically categorized as follows.
- Domain: Eukarya (multicellular organisms with mitochondria).
- Kingdom: Animalia (animals).
- Phylum: Chordata (animals having a notochord).
- Subphylum: Vertebrata (animals with backbones).
- Class: Mammalia (mammals, which are warm-blooded animals with fur or hair and that nurse their young).
- Order: Lagomorpha (which includes rabbits, hares, and pikas).
- Family: Leporidae (rabbits and hares).
- Genus: 10 genera of rabbits exist, each having its own unique scientific name.
- Species: 28 species of rabbits exist, each having its own unique scientific name.
Ella: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
Eloise: A boy scout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Rabbits are not without risk. Rabbits are known to eat themselves to death, by gorging until they bloat, if left alone with too much food. A little rabbit food is good for a rabbit, but more is not necessarily better. So if you have a pet rabbit, know its limits when it comes to food. Do not stuff it with carrots or other high-calorie bulky food, but instead give it dried hay, and a small amount of fresh raw grass, clover, and green leafy vegetables such as lettuce and spinach greens. When it comes to carrots, give your rabbit the green carrot leaves and keep the orange carrot root for yourself. Too much food makes for a fat, unhealthy rabbit and can also shorten its life.
- What does a rabbit look like?
- Where do rabbits live?
- What do rabbits eat?
- Would a Welsh rabbit make a good pet?
Peter: What did the gray rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Perry: “Cheer up!”
I’m a Little Bunny
I’m a little bunny with a cotton tail,
See me hop down the bunny trail.
When I spy a carrot, my ears they shake,
Then, of course, a bite I take. “Crunch!”
Now let’s bunny-hop to the next topic . . . on ‘MFOL!’
Increasingly, the difference between being disabled, handicapped, differently abled, or much like everyone else, really comes down to more and more just a matter of perceptions, attitudes, and opinions . . .
“My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking)
A disability or handicap is any condition that could be perceived as being an impediment to quality of life or some essential aspect of living. For example, being dependent on a wheelchair, cane, or walker for mobility could be considered a disability. Other examples of disabilities or handicaps include physical disfigurements, dyslexia, stuttering, and hearing impairments. Sometimes the same condition can at times be a disability and at other times, it can be a handicap, depending on the circumstances.
“Here is how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which you are different from everyone else: be indifferent to that difference.” -Al Capp (Alfred Gerald Caplin (1909 - 1979)): “My Well-Balanced Life on a Wooden Leg” (1991)
“Focus on your abilities rather than your limitations.” -Author Unknown
“Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.” -Author Unknown: Special Olympics, motto (Special Olympics is a program of competitive sports for athletes with physical or mental challenges. The first Special Olympics event was held on 26 July 1969 in Los Angeles, California, United States of America)
Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, and Jonathan Swift all suffered from Ménièr’s disease, a condition in which the hearing and balance senses cause hissing, roaring, or whistling sounds to be perceived.
Affirmation: Today I will rejoice in my abilities.
“I was the last one picked on every team when I was a kid. I was a klutz. If you had ever told me that I would make being an athlete my profession, I would have laughed at you.” -Dianna Golden, United States one-legged World Champion skier, as quoted in Bill Littlefield: “Champions: Stories of Ten Remarkable Athletes” (1993)
“It’s not our disabilities, it’s our abilities that count.” -Chris Burke
“When every day we learn something, we are succeeding.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
When people think of guide animals for the blind, they usually think of dogs. However, there are also other types of working animals, such as guide horses, which are miniature horses about the size of very large dogs. Unlike regular horses, guide horses do not wear metal shoes nailed to their hooves, but instead wear shoes that can look similar to the casual shoes and dress shoes that people wear.
A World of Smile
About ten years ago when I was an undergraduate in college, I was working as an intern at my University’s Museum of Natural History. One day while working at the cash register in the gift shop, I saw an elderly couple come in with a little girl in a wheelchair.
As I looked closer at this girl, I saw that she was kind of perched on her chair. I then realized she had no arms or legs, just a head, neck, and torso. She was wearing a little white dress with red polka dots.
As the couple wheeled her up to me, I was looking down at the register. I turned my head toward the girl and gave her a wink. As I took the money from her grandparents, I looked back at the girl, who was giving me the cutest, largest smile I have ever seen. All of a sudden, her handicap was gone and all I saw was this beautiful girl, whose smile just melted me and almost instantly gave me a completely new sense of what life is all about. She took me from a poor, unhappy college student and brought me into her world, a world of smiles, love, and warmth.
That was ten years ago. I’m a successful business person now and whenever I get down and think about the troubles of the world, I think about that little girl and the remarkable lesson about life that she taught me.
The first seeing-eye dog was presented to a blind person on 25 April 1938.
“Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one’s best.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick (1878 - 1969): as quoted in Lillian Eichler Watson, editor: “Light from Many Lamps” (1951), page 155
Alexander of Macedonia (also known as Alexander the Great (356 B.C.E. - 323 B.C.E.)) and Julius Caesar (Gaius Julius Caesar (100 B.C.E. - 44 B.C.E.)) were both epileptic.
“The worst thing about a disability is that people see it before they see you.” -Author Unknown: Easter Seals organization at www.easterseals.com
Thomas Edison (Thomas Alva Edison (1847 - 1931)) was one of the most prolific inventors of all time. He was also completely deaf from the age of twelve.
Some people say everyone should be ‘sensitive’ to people with disabilities, but taken too far, their so-called sensitivity is really an attempt to baby people - and an insult. Politically correct tyrants who claim they know what it’s like often don’t know and should let the disabled speak for themselves on what life is like for the disabled.
Steve Austin, the “Six Million Dollar Man,” was technically a disabled person who was enabled by ‘bionics.’
“When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forward.” -Author Unknown: Swedish saying
Be more than compliant . . . be welcoming . . . signs by http://www.hsisign.com.
In 1973, two blind Peruvian soccer teams played a match using a ball filled with dried peas. The sound made by the dried peas as the ball moved made it possible for them to know the direction and location of the ball.
You never know who might have a disability that you can’t see . . .
Just as some people talk in their sleep, sign language speakers have been known to sign in their sleep.
“When you hear the word ‘disabled,’ people immediately think about people who can’t walk or talk or do everything that people take for granted. Now, I take nothing for granted. But I find the real disability is people who can’t find joy in life and are bitter.” -Teri Garr
Highlight of a capable disabled person: Edward Lear (1812 - 1888) traveled extensively, including to Egypt and India, as a talented watercolor painter of birds, animals, and landscapes. He made marvelous paintings of parrots and did whimsical illustrations for the many limerick poems he wrote. For a time, he even gave drawing lessons to Queen Victoria. Yet Edward Lear had poor eyesight and suffered from epilepsy and asthma. He was a lonely man, often terribly depressed, and was convinced that those who met him were repelled by his appearance. He took refuge in the wonderful nonsense of his poems. Edward Lear can be counted as one of the persons with disabilities who have made our world a better place, and you will find many of his limericks on the 'Make Fun Of Life!' Website.
“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” -Mignon McLaughlin (1913 - 1983): “The Neurotic’s Notebook” (1960)
An artificial hand with fingers moved by cogwheels and levers was designed in 1551 by Frenchman Ambroise Paré. It worked so well that a handless cavalryman was able to grasp the reins of his horse.
“Your disability will never make God love you less.” -Author Unknown
People who are blind from birth smile despite never having seen anyone smile before. Smiling is a natural, or instinctual, human reaction.
“The severity of one’s disability does not determine their level of potential. The greatest barriers that persons with disabilities have to overcome are not steps or curbs, it’s expectations.” -Karen Clay
“Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they’re yours.” -Richard Bach (born 1936): “Illusions” (1977)
“Disability does not mean inability. Perhaps disability does not even mean disability in the sense it did just a short time ago.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“You don’t have to be handicapped to be different - everybody’s different.” -Kim Peek
“Every person deserves the chance to reach his or her full potential.” -Author Unknown
Disabled and handicapped and differently abled people sometimes have to ignore the remarks of people who say things such as, “People like you can’t do that,” “People like you should just go home, watch television, and stay out of public life.” Such remarks are as ignorant as when people say, “Women can’t do that,” “Women should stay in the home and let their husbands do all the earning and men only should have the career opportunities.” Some of the people who try to limit what people can do even sound very much like the people who say, “People with your skin color/hair color/eye color/freckles/height/baldness/weight just can’t do those kinds of things and should keep out of mainstream life.” The people who say such things are wrong, and while it is sometimes possible to just ignore them, at other times it becomes necessary to bring their words and actions to the awareness of others or even to take legal measures in extreme cases.
I pitied him in his blindness
But can I boast, “I see”?
Perhaps there walks a spirit
Close by, who pities me.
-Harry Kemp (1883 - 1960)
“People with disabilities have abilities too and that is what this course is all about - making sure those abilities blossom and shine to that all the dreams you have can come true.” -Mary McAleese
“My ability is stronger than my disability.” -Theresa Sherida
“It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven’t done badly. People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking)
“We differ, blind and seeing, one from another, not in our senses, but in the use we make of them, in the imagination and courage with which we seek wisdom beyond the senses.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968))
“The only true disability is a crushed spirit.” -Aimee Mullins
It is as simple as this: Treat people who might seem different from you as they want to be treated, or at the very least, as you would want to be treated if you were in their position.
“You’re not disabled by the disabilities you have, you are able by the abilities you have.” -Author Unknown
At the end of World War One, the German government trained the first guide dogs for war-blinded soldiers.
“Handicaps can only disable us if we let them. This is not only of physical challenges, but of emotional and intellectual ones as well . . . I believe that real and lasting limitations are created in our minds, not our bodies.” -Roger Crawford
Some disabilities are noticeable, and some disabilities are not immediately noticeable. Can you name some of each?
“Don’t make fun of people with disabilities, regardless of what the disability is. It may be a physical one, it may be a mental one, but these disabilities do not stop them from being wonderful human beings. Everyone has feelings and everyone can feel hurt.” -Author Unknown
“Being disabled should not mean being disqualified from having access to every aspect of life.” -Emma Thompson
“Our attitudes determine how we evaluate our life’s experiences. They determine how we evaluate ourselves. They also govern how we look at other people. Are we inclined to judge an eternal soul by the appearance of an earthly body? Do we see the beautiful soul of a brother or sister, or do we only see that person’s earthly tabernacle? Bodies can be distorted by handicap, twisted by injury, or worn by age. But if we can learn to see the inner man and woman, we will be seeing as God sees, and loving as He loves.” -Dallin H. Oaks
Be kind to people with limitations . . . you may feel awkward for a brief moment . . . they know awkwardness over a lifetime . . .
“However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking)
“Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you’re needed by someone.” -Martina Navratilova
José Feliciano was born poor and blind on 10 September 1945 in Lares, Puerto Rico. Some of the neighbors suggested that he get a cup and beg for money like blind people were supposed to do, but José refused. He found an “old piece of guitar” and taught himself how to play. He practiced day and night, night and day, often until his fingers were painful or lost feeling. Today José Feliciano is considered one of the greatest guitarists of all time. He wrote the popular song “Feliz Navidad” (1970), the eighth all-time most popular digital single of the Christmas holiday season. Website: www.josefeliciano.com.
You are the handicap you must face.
You are the one who must choose your place.
-James Lane Allen (1849 - 1925)
“Know me for my abilities, not my disability.” -Robert M. Hensel
Always tell people, “If you are seeing only my disability, you are not seeing the real and complete me.” . . . we can’t wait to see what is coming next . . . on ‘MFOL!’
We could save twice as much money if we ordered some for now and takeout for later . . .
Drive-through customer: “I would like a plain cheeseburger.”
Drive-through order-taker: “Would you like cheese on that, sir?”
Al and Bert went to a Chinese restaurant, where they ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as Al was about to serve himself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and he briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down. “Good grief, did you see that?” he asked Bert. He did not, so Al asked him to look in the pot. Bert reached for it, and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down. Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what had happened, and demanded an explanation. “Please, sir,” stammered the waiter, “what did you order?” Bert replied, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah! So sorry, my mistake,” said the waiter. “I brought you Peeking Duck!”
Customer: I am so hungry that I could eat a horse.
Waiter: Well, you have certainly come to the right place.
Signs on the restroom doors at a seafood restaurant: ‘Buoys’ and ‘Gulls.’
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my peach cobbler.
Waitress: Yes, sir. It is a fruit fly.
A guy was down on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, “Big Red Lobster Tales $5 Each.” Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, “$5 each for lobster tails - is that correct?” “Yes,” she said, “it is our special just for today.” “Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.” “No,” she replied, “It is the really big lobster.” “Are you sure they are not green lobster tails, and a little bit tough?” “No,” she said, “it is the really big red lobster.” “Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said with amazement. “They must be old lobster tails.” “No, they are definitely today’s.” “Today’s big red lobster tails, for $5 each?” he repeated, astounded. “Yes,” she insisted. “Well, here is my five dollars,” he said, “I will take one.” She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster . . .”
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink?
Customer: Do you have diet water?
Lucille: What is egomaniacal, dresses in a funny costume, and works in a restaurant?
Lucinda: Darth Waiter.
Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Looks like it is learning to swim, sir.
“You name it, we will make it!” declared a big sign outside a new restaurant. “There is no food we cannot make for you!” “Excuse me sir,” said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like, please, a garden salad with Russian dressing.” “Russian dressing?! I have never even heard of Russian dressing! What are we going to give this guy?” shouted the head cook. “Do not worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I will take care of everything, you just make the salad.” And that is how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big garden salad and a newspaper picture of a Russian businessman knotting his necktie.
Customer: Waiter, there is a small slug in my salad.
Waiter: I am sorry - would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
A guy walked into a restaurant and ordered eggs. The waitress said, “How would you like those eggs cooked?” The guy said, “That would be great.”
Customer: Waitress, there is a caterpillar in my salad.
Waitress: Yes, ma’am, there is no extra charge.
Fried chicken is the most popular meal ordered in full-service (not fast-food) restaurants in the United States of America. The next in popularity is roast beef, followed by spaghetti, turkey, baked ham, and fried shrimp.
Customer: Have you any wild duck?
Waitress: No, but we can take a tame one and annoy him for you.
Customer: Waiter, you have your thumb on my steak!
Waiter: Well, I did not want it to fall on the floor again, sir.
A truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. “Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup - are they foreign objects?” She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here - they are strictly locals.”
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my salad!
Waiter: No, ma’am, that is our last customer, after our evil wizard chef cast a magic spell on her.
Overheard: In a restaurant, always choose a table near a waiter.
Customer: Server, there is a twig in my soup!
Server: I am sorry, madam. I will call our branch manager.
A guy walked into a fancy restaurant, but they would not let him in without a necktie. So, he got the jumper cables out of his car and tied them around his neck. He went back to the restaurant and said, “Okay, can I get in now?” They answered, “Well, all right, but you better not start anything.”
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my chop suey.
Waitress: That is nothing - wait until you see what is in your fortune cookie.
Joey: Why did the waiter serve the physician a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich?
Jo: Because that is ‘just what the doctor ordered.’
Millicent and Mildred were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted: “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” Mildred said to Millicent, pointing to the sign, “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a $20, I would not be eating here!”
Customer: Waitress, there seems to be a hippopotamus in my soup.
Waitress: Is it not quite remarkable that I could even carry it to your table?
Overheard: I go to a restaurant not far from where I live that has the worst service. Sometimes I have to wait an hour to be served. I do not mind the long wait, though, because the food is so awful.
Diner: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Now that is a fly that knows good soup.
“There is no such thing as a free lunch.” -Milton Friedman
Diner: I just found a collar button in my soup.
Waiter: I wondered where that was.
Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad, and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak, and got a calf!
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Wait one minute while I get a spider.
I saw a sign in a restaurant that read, “Watch Your Hat and Coat.” So I did, and somebody stole my dinner!
Customer: Waitress, there is a bee in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, it is the fly’s day off.
A customer said to a waiter, “Please bring over the manager; I cannot tell if this is coffee or tea. I ordered coffee, but it tastes like gasoline.” The waiter replied, “If it tastes like gasoline; it is definitely coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.”
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Do not worry, sir. The spider in your salad will get it.
Overheard: So, does this restaurant serve baby food? I never see it on the menu.
Customer: There is a beetle in my soup!
Server: Sorry, ma’am, we are all out of flies today.
“Excuse me, but do you have dandruff?” asked the woman when her waiter kept scratching his head. “No, ma’am,” replied the waiter. “We only have what is on the menu.”
Customer: Do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: Yes, sir.
Customer: Then hop to the kitchen and get me a sandwich.
An epicure, dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew;
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too!”
Customer: Have you been to the zoo?
Waiter: No, sir.
Customer: Well, you ought to go. You would enjoy seeing the turtles go whizzing by.
Sign behind counter at a diner: Please do not complain about the coffee - you may be old and weak yourself one day.
Customer: Waiter, bring me something to eat, and make it snappy!
Waiter: How about a crocodile sandwich, ma’am?
Today’s Special: Barely Soup.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” -George Carlin
Customer: Waitress, what kind of soup is this? I ordered pea soup, and this tastes like soap.
Waitress: My mistake, that is tomato soup. Pea soup tastes like shampoo.
Overheard: I have been eating fast food for years, and it is really starting to slow me down.
Diner: This sauerkraut is not sour enough.
Waiter: Sir, it is not sauerkraut - it is noodles.
Diner: In that case, it is sour enough for noodles!
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office the other day to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under ‘Reason unable to work,’ she had written, “Cannot stand to cook any longer.”
Customer: This food is not fit for a pig!
Waitress: I am sorry, ma’am; I will bring you some that is.
A health inspector walked into a restaurant and said to the manager, “You have too many roaches in here.” The manager said, “How many am I allowed?”
Customer: I have not found any ham in this ham sandwich yet.
Waitress: Try another bite.
Customer, with a mouth full of sandwich: Nope, not yet.
Waitress: Well, you must have gone right past it.
If restaurant critics really do get to eat for free, then we want to start a new second career during our lunch hour today.
Waitress: We are famous for our snails here.
Customer: I know. I have been served by one already.
I went to a restaurant, and they had Mulligan stew on the menu, so I called a waiter to get me a clean menu that I could read.
Diner: Waiter! This stew is terrible. What is it made of?
Waiter: The chef calls it his enthusiastic soup.
Waiter: He puts everything he has into it.
In a typical restaurant, customers get 27 cents worth of food for each dollar they spend. We certainly pay a ‘good deal’ of money for atmosphere and service.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Go ahead and eat it, there are plenty more where that came from!
Customer: Waitress, this fish is bad.
Waitress: You are a bad fish. Bad, bad, bad!
Tip for spotting a good restaurant: Do not go to a restaurant that has a ‘help wanted’ sign in the window, because it is hard enough to get waited on in a restaurant that has plenty of help.
Waitress: How did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I looked and looked, and there it was, hiding under a pea.
A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with a baked potato. About halfway through dinner, he called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.” She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”
Customer: This soup tastes funny.
Waitperson: Then why are you not laughing?
Customer: Make me a cheeseburger.
Short-Order Cook: Fine. Presto-change-o, you are a cheeseburger!
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs here?
Waiter: Yes, ma’am, we serve everybody.
Customer: Waiter, why is there a frog in my drink?
Waiter: Because things go better with croak.
Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?
Waiter: It appears he is learning to read, sir.
Diner: Waiter, do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: No, sir; I have always walked like this.
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, and if you will push over that pea, he will play water polo.
Customer: Take back this steak. I have been trying to cut it for ten minutes, but it is so tough I cannot make a dent in it.
Waitress: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot take it back. You have bent it.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my stew!
Waiter: They do not seem to care what they eat, do they?
Customer: Waiter, there are 134 flies in my soup.
Waiter: Two more, and we will beat the world record!
Customer: Waiter, there is a cockroach in my salad!
Waiter: Sorry. We ran out of flies.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Hang on; I will get you a fork.
Customer: I cannot eat this steak. Call the manager.
Waiter: It is no use, sir. He could not eat it either.
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: They come for the ambience . . . and stay for the food.
You are now on the 'Make Fun Of Life!' Website . . . fueled by just the right blend of imagination and reality.
“Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
On 18 April 1930, the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) announced, “There is no news today,” and played piano music instead.
Leah: What is black and white and sleeps all day?
Alexia: A snooze-paper.
“People have the illusion that all over the world, all the time, all kinds of fantastic things are happening - when in fact, over most of the world, most of the time, nothing is happening.” -David Brinkley (1920 - 2003): as quoted in Sy Safransky, editor: “Sunbeams: A Book of Quotations” (1990)
This just in: Mathematicians have announced the existence of a new whole number that lies between 27 and 28. “We don’t know why it’s there or what it does,” says Cambridge mathematician Dr. Hilliard Mumford. “We only know that it doesn’t behave properly when put into equations, and that it is divisible by six, though only once.”
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.” -Kim Alexis
Slow news day: A day on which news-oriented folks have little or no new news to share, and they go to extraordinary lengths to make anything they can find into a news story - this happens more often than you might think. Sometimes they even resort to showing pictures of kittens and puppies to hold the viewers’ attention.
Marjory: Who is always up on current events?
Jerome: The electrician.
News Story: New York. At LaGuardia Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested for trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was discovered that he taught students to solve their problem with the help of radicals.
“I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures.” -Earl Warren (1891 - 1974): as quoted in “Sports Illustrated” (22 July 1968)
- British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
- Children Make Nutritious Snacks
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Corporations Cashing In On The Year 200 Glitch
- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
- Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
- Hospital Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
- If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Jail Releases Upset Judges
- Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty
- Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
- Man Booked For Wreckless Driving
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- March Planned For Next August
- Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
- Peace May Be A Threat To Continuation Of War
- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Thief Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Wicked Chicken Lays Deviled Eggs
“Early in life I had noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a newspaper.” -George Orwell (pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair (1903 - 1950))
Marty: What do you get when you cross a dog with a journalist?
Clark: A rover reporting (a roving reporter).
“When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog, that is news.” -Charles Anderson Dana: as quoted in the article, ‘What is News?’ in “The New York Sun” (1882) newspaper
Classified ad: Free to good home - Great Dane. Cheerful, playful, will eat anything. Especially fond of children.
“Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.” -Ben Hecht (1893 - 1964)
The cub reporter’s first assignment was to stand outside on the sidewalk and interview people as they laughed all the way to the bank.
“Name names!” the crusty old editor insisted to his young reporters. “No story is complete without the names of everyone involved.” The youngest and newest member of his staff wrote the following news article on a local disaster: Three farms in our area were affected by the severe lightning storm that struck Tuesday night. Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Morrison reported a fire in one of their barns. Bernard Hewitt said several of his trees were knocked down by severe wind gusts. And, Alfred Jones reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Daisy, Bonnie, and Milky Way.
“I am not convinced that the world is in any worse shape than it ever was. It is just that in this age of instantaneous communication, we bear the weight of problems our forefathers only read about after they were solved.” -Burton Hillis (pseudonym of William Edward ‘Bill’ Vaughan (1915 - 1977))
Newspaper Advertisements and Classified Ads
- Cute Kitten For Sale, 2 Cents Or Best Offer.
- For Sale: Lee Majors (Six Million Dollar Man) - $50.
- Found: Dirty Dog, Looks Like A Rat, Been Out A While, Better Be A Reward.
- Free Puppies. Part German Shepherd, Part Dog.
- Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog.
- Free: 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3-Bedroom, 2-Bath House.
- Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat.
- Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 Cents A Pound.
- German Shepherd. 85 Pounds. Speaks German. Free.
- Fishing Gear - Largest Selection Ever - “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!”
- Exercise Machine $300 - Hardly Used - Call Chubby, 555-5182.
- Notice: To Person Or Persons Who Took The Large Pumpkin On Highway 87 Near Southridge Storage. Please Return The Pumpkin And Be Checked. Pumpkin May Be Radioactive. All Other Plants In Vicinity Are Dead.
- Shakespeare’s Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
- Tickle Me Elmo. New, In Box. Hardly Tickled. $70.
“The mission of the modern newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” -William Randolph Hearst (1863 - 1951)
Two editors on vacation met on the beach.
First Editor: I say, are you burning from the Sun?
Second Editor: No, I’m Smith from the “Times.”
“Never argue with people who buy ink by the barrel.” -Author Unknown
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
“None love the bearer of bad news.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
Riddle: What is black and white and read all over?
Solution: A newspaper.
The word ‘news’ did not come about because it was the plural of ‘new.’ It came from the first letters of the words North, East, West, and South. This purportedly was because information was being gathered from all different directions.
If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Two editors of rival local newspapers did not get along, and used their newspapers to do battle. “The editor of the “Daily Express” is mean enough to steal the swill from a blind hog,” wrote the editor of the “Daily Post.” The next day the following comment appeared in the “Daily Express,” “The editor of the “Daily Post” knows that we never stole his swill.”
“Newspapers should have no friends.” -Joseph Pulitzer (1847 - 1911)
Newspaper clippings can be preserved by soaking them in a mixture made of a large bottle of club soda and a cup of milk of magnesia; soak for twenty minutes, and air dry. The results will last for many years.
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” -Jerry Seinfeld (Jerome Allen ‘Jerry’ Seinfeld (born 1954))
“A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news or not.” -Henry Fielding (1707 - 1754)
A car accident occurred in a small town. A crowd surrounded the victim, so that a newspaper reporter could not manage to get close enough to see. He immediately hit upon an idea. “I’m the father of the victim!” he cried. “Please let me through.” The crowd let him pass, and he was able to get right up to the scene of the accident and discover, to his embarrassment, that the victim was a donkey.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))
“Headlines twice the size of events.” -John Galsworthy (1867 - 1933)
When Eugene Field was a newspaper reporter in Chicago, he wrote in his column, “Half the aldermen in the city are crooks.” The mayor demanded a retraction, so the next day Field wrote, “Half the aldermen in the city are not crooks.”
Headline: Rolling Stones Sue Apple For Trespassing On Their Cloud.
“They kill good trees to put out bad newspapers.” -James G. Watt: as quoted in “Newsweek” magazine (8 March 1982)
In today’s economic news: Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
“Generally speaking, the press lives on disaster.” -Clement Attlee (Clement Richard Attlee (1883 - 1967))
“World Ends; Women and Minorities Hardest Hit” -Author Unknown: proposed “New York Times” newspaper headline
The Kiss of Life. Marian Morris from Arkadelphia, Arkansas, resuscitated her brother’s pet chicken Boo-Boo, and saved its life, after it was found floating face down in the family’s pond. Mrs. Morris, a retired nurse, said, “I breathed into its beak, and its eyes popped open. I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again. I said, ‘I think this chicken’s alive now. Keep it warm.’” Boo-Boo got her name because she is easily frightened. It is thought she flopped into the pond after being startled. She made a full recovery, reports “The Sun.”
“Get it first, but first get it right.” -Seymour Berkson (Seymour Joel Berkson (1905 - 1959))
“‘USA Today’ has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up seventy-five percent of the population.” -David Letterman
“One of the things the news media does very well is to make a minority look like a majority.” -Author Unknown
Old Proverbs Become News Headlines
- Bad Workman Blames Tools - Again
- Birds Of A Feather Go Their Separate Ways
- Ducks Refuse To Get All In A Row
- Fool Is Reunited With His Money
- Late Bird Misses Early Worm
- Mice Play During Cat’s Absence
- Moss Finally Succeeds In Growing On Rolling Stone
- Old Dog Learns New Tricks
- Scientists Discover Cat With Fewer Than Nine Lives
- Sheep Dressed In Wolf’s Clothing Confuse Shepherds
The ‘evening news’ is when they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
“I’ve always tried to live with the following simple rule; ‘Don’t do what you would feel uncomfortable reading about in the newspaper the next day.” -Josh Weston (Josh S. Weston (born 1928))
“Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.” -Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
News Story: A fisherman is selling his pet dog because it kept catching more fish than him. Slobodan Paparella from the Adriatic island of Lastovo, Croatia said he was fed up with being embarrassed in front of his fishing buddies. He complained that most days when he went fishing, he would catch only the odd fish, but that his Irish setter Lipi would jump into the water and use her jaws to catch dozens of fish. Paparalla added that the last straw was when he tried to reel in a 15-pound fish but lost it at the last second only to see Lipi jump in and catch the fish with one bite and bring it back to shore. He complained, “The other fishermen were all laughing at me. I have no choice but to sell the dog because it keeps humiliating me.”
“Journalism is organized gossip.” -Edward Eggleston (1837 - 1902)
“Journalism is popular, but it is popular mainly as fiction. Life is one world, and life seen in the newspapers is another.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some . . .
“Ignore the junk news - work on a worthwhile project, make a plan, or do something to enhance your life.” -Jeffrey Gitomer (born 1946)
Euphobia is a persistent fear of hearing good news. In particular, this condition seems to affect those who report the news to the public, because they seldom tell us any of the good news that there is.
Classified Advertisement in England: Missing - big yellow object usually seen in the sky. Goes by the name of ‘Sun.’ If you see him, tell him it is summertime!
“The newspapers print what the people want, and thus does the savage still swing his club and flourish his spear.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard” (1927), page 142
News and Current Events Quiz
- If you went for a month without hearing any local, national, and international news, would it matter to you?
- What is ‘good news’?
- What is ‘bad news’?
- Why do media organizations over-report and exaggerate ‘bad news,’ and under-report or fail to report ‘good news’?
- What is ‘fake news’?
- Can you spot the ‘fake news’ in this ‘Fun & Learning’ topic?
Many of the people who read this topic also read our ‘Fake News’ page - if interested, click here: http://www.makefunoflife.net/fake-news. All right, then, that’s all the news that’s fit to print - and some that ain’t . . . but wait, there’s more ‘tee-hee-hee’ and ‘my goodness’ about other stuff just below . . . on ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion . . .
Carla: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
Marla: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Sonny Boy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Grandpa: In my day, we did not ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. And that chicken would have had to walk barefoot five miles in the snow just to get to that road, too. They just do not make chickens like that anymore!
Austin: How did the egg cross the road?
Ozzie: It scrambled across.
Patrice: Why did it take so long for the elephant to cross the road?
Tricia: Because the chicken had trouble carrying him.
Louisa: Why did the cat cross the road?
Louie: The chicken had to take a day off to rest after carrying the elephant across.
Wilbur: Did you hear about the two kangaroos that crossed the road?
Orville: They jumped into each other’s pouches and were never seen again.
Phillip: Why did the turkey cross the road?
Ophelia: To show he was not chicken.
Amy: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Annie: She was trying to catch a boomerang.
Shelia: Why did the ambitious man cross the road?
Shelly: Because he was chasing his dreams.
Gregory: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Megan: Because it ran out of juice.
Timmy: Why did the raccoon cross the road?
Tammy: Because she was chasing the chicken.
Curtis: Why did Captain Hook cross the road?
Howard: To get to the secondhand shop.
Boris: Why did the monster help the little old ghoul across the road?
Doris: Because that is what fiends are for.
Alexander: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Minerva: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Minnie: Catching the chickens as they crossed the road.
Harpo Marx: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What is all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs!
Barbara: Why did the chicken cross the amusement park?
Candace: To get to the other ride.
Millicent: Why did the polar bear cross the road?
Lucinda: To show the alligator that it could be done.
Mirabelle: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Reuben: To get to the other side.
Rhoda: Why did the penguin cross the road?
Ronda: Because the chicken owed it $5.
Percival: Why did the snake slither across the road?
Perry: To get to the other ssssssside!
Mabelle: Why did the cows cross the road?
Bonnie: Because they are always on the moo-ve.
Artie: Why did the cookie cross the road?
Marty: To dunk itself in a glass of milk.
Justin: Why did the cell cross the microscope?
Dustin: To get to the other slide.
Kimberly: Why did the rooster cross the road?
Kimmy: He wanted something to crow about.
Agyrophobia, also called dromophobia, is a fear of roads or of crossing roads. Even when no motor vehicles are present, some sufferers from this affliction still experience fear. Agyrophobia comes from the Greek words ‘gyrus’ meaning ‘turning’ or ‘whirling’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear,’ while dromophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘dromos’ meaning ‘running’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ One of the things that could be said about the chicken that crossed the road is that he was not chicken to cross the road - and you should not be either.
Bernard: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Leonard: Just for the fun of it!
Doctor McCoy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Karl: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of ‘crossing’ was encoded into the objects ‘chicken’ and ‘road,’ and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Alex: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Lacy: Don’t ask me, ask the chicken!
Paul: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Saul: I don’t know
Paul: To get to your house!
. . . long awkward pause . . .
Paul: Knock, knock.
Saul: Who’s there?
Paul: It’s the chicken from the last joke!
Beatrice: Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
Tricia: They wanted to do their hogwash.
Kirsten: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Christina: To get to the hopping mall.
Marv: Why did the shoe cross the road?
Irv: Because it’s on your foot.
Octavius: Why did the frog hop across the road?
Augustus: To see what the chicken was doing!
First Lab Tech: Why did the function cross the road?
Second Lab Tech: Because it was defined on both sides and continuous.
Tina: Why did the sheep cross the road?
Lena: To get to the baaa-baaa shop for a trim.
Bored? Want to have some fun? Get together with your friends and play ‘The Road Crossing Game.’ Here’s how it works. One of you says, “Why did the __________________ (fill in the blank) cross the road?” The other of you tries to reply with a funny answer. The one who comes up with the best answer has the next turn, and you just keep on going with the game.
Siskel: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken’s crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn’t emote very well. Thumbs down.
Jesse: Why did the duck cross the road?
Bessie: To visit the chicken of course!
Ticket Against Jaywalking Chicken. Ridgecrest, California: A chicken that got a ticket for crossing the road has clawed his way out of it. The $54 (RM205.20) citation for impeding traffic was dismissed after Linc and Helena Moore’s attorney argued that the fowl was domesticated and could not be charged as livestock. State law restricts livestock on highways, but not domestic animals. The chicken was ticketed on 26 March for impeding traffic after it wandered onto a road in Johannesburg, a rural mining town southeast of Ridgecrest. -AP
Jasper: Why did the chicken cross the internet?
Casper: To get to the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website.
Marcella: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
Marc: To get to the same side.
Nick: Why did the seal cross the road?
Vick: To get to the otter side.
Artemus: Why did the snail cross the road?
Gordon: I don’t know, she hasn’t gotten there yet.
In Quitman, Georgia, United States of America, chickens are actually prohibited by law from crossing the road.
Hugh: Why did the horse cross the road?
Bert: He wanted to visit his neigh-bors.
John: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. A historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Chrissy: Who lumbered across the road?
Lizzie: A lumberjack.
Petula: Why did the chicken nearly stop crossing the road?
Clark: It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!
Henry David Thoreau: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not merely cross the road . . . it transcended it.
Gladys: How do you avoid that rundown feeling?
Clementine: Always look both ways before crossing the road!
Arlene: What happened when the skunks argued while crossing the road?
Aileen: They raised a stink.
Emily: Why did the spider cross the road?
Amelia: To get to its other web site.
George: Why did the comedian cross the road?
Jerry: To get to the punchline!
Silvia: Why did the dog cross the road?
Ingrid: To get to the barking lot.
Larry: Why did the kiwi fruit run across the road?
Lawrence: Because it was being chased by a pineapple.
Can’t get enough of “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Here are a few more: Because . . . the pedestrian sign was flashing “WALK” and the road was clear of moving vehicles; to beat the early bird to the worm; Farmer Brown was across the road calling out, “Here, chick-chick-chick, here, chick-chick-chick,” while tossing corn around onto the ground; go ask your mother; go ask your father; to catch the “L” train; to try the new hot ‘n’ spicy bacon double cheeseburger; to catch the show; she had a bee in her bonnet; to take a closer look at the cow; to feather her nest; to see what was on the other side; because at the time it seemed like a good idea; the sky was falling; to catch a falling star; to buy a copy of the new horror novel “Chicken Soup for the Human Soul”; to try to look important; to make a new friend; she was lost and headed in the wrong direction; to try something new; they told her there was a ham sandwich in it for her; to escape global warming; to escape the coming ice age; she was a good and faithful friend; I’m listening; oh, I love you so much; what was the question again?; can’t I just finish my waffle?; it’s a little complicated; the other chickens said it couldn’t be done; we would have to look at it from the chicken’s perspective; what was the question again?; she’d already been around the block; to see what she could see; for the fun of it; it’s a bit of a mystery, isn’t it?; she knew she’d give the farmer nightmares for years to come; another chicken gave her an odd look; I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation; why don’t we go find out; she was certainly a funny bird, that one; truth be told, nobody really knows . . .
Vanetta: Why did the turtle cross the road?
Manetta: To get to the shell station.
Eunice: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Eustice: Because the other chickens egged her on.
Tips for Safely Crossing Roads
- Stop, look, and listen.
- Wait until the signal shows “WALK” or a human figure lights up.
- Hold hands and stay together.
- Always look both ways before crossing the road.
- Look left, then right, then left again.
- Stay in the crosswalk.
- Cross at intersections and do not cross at other places.
- Be aware that drivers sometimes drive when and where they should not because they are not good drivers.
- Can you think of other tips for safely crossing roads?
Buzz Aldrin: Have you heard that a chicken has finally crossed the road?
Neil Armstrong: That is one small step for a chicken . . . one giant leap for all poultry-kind.
Road Crossings Quiz: Who Am I?
1. I waddled across the road.
2. I bounced across the road.
3. I inched across the road.
4. I dribbled across the road.
5. I flowed across the road.
Lenny: Why did the scientist cross the road?
Squiggy: Centrifugal force.
Road Crossings Quiz Answers: Who Am I?
1. I am a duck and I waddled across the road.
2. I am a rubber ball and I bounced across the road.
3. I am an inchworm and I inched across the road.
4. I am a basketball player and I dribbled a basketball across the road.
5. I am water and I flowed across the road.
Al: How did the apple cross the road?
Fred: It fruited across.
Someone should make a full-length movie about a chicken crossing the road - how about you? We have much more humor for you on a huge variety of topics on the Make Fun Of Life! Website - just scroll down the page.
Jane: Why did the goose cross the road?
Jillian: Because the light was green.
Do you have jokes, puns, poems, short stories, fun facts, pictures, news, quotations, recipes, ideas, or anything else that is amusing or educational or useful that you would like to share with us? Or, would you like to let us know that you think we have made an error or that you have seen something on the site that you believe is not wholesome? And, additionally, if there should be any other reason you want to contact us, we want you to know that you are free to do so. Please send your email message to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
So you want to be a magician . . .
“The art of a magician is to create wonder. If we all live with a sense of wonder, our lives will become filled with joy.” -The Great Doug Henning
In 1799, Count de Grisley became the first magician to perform the trick of sawing a woman in half, and ever since then, women everywhere have been eagerly lining up to be sawed in half . . . or maybe not . . .
First Magician: What happened to the saw-a-woman-in-half act you used to do?
Second Magician: My assistant left me - she moved to New York and Los Angeles.
“Spring animals are fake animals that are often used by magicians, clowns, comedians, and other entertainers. They can be made to appear very realistic with practice. The basic construction of the animal is of a spring wrapped in either real or artificial animal fur. Different colored fur is used for different spring animals.” -Greg McMahan
Boris: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
Doris: He had just washed his hare and could not do anything with it.
- Presto, change-o!
- Hot potato, jump-rope, kick-the-can!
- Parsley, peas, potatoes!
- Many magicians create their own magic phrases, and so can you.
Howie: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Howard: That is one trick they do not know - and besides, that is why they have assistants!
The word ‘abracadra’ may have originated from the Aramaic phrase ‘avra kehdabra’ meaning ‘I will create as I speak.’
A Magician from Vermont
A magician who came from Vermont
Sawed a woman in half for a stunt.
When she mildly asked whether
He would put her together,
He replied, “I’ve decided I won’t.”
“Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
One technique for creating funny magic words is to ask for audience participation. Would someone please name a color? Would someone please name an animal? Would someone please name a food? Then you combine their answers, which might make something silly, such as, “Purple elephant pie!” which you use as the ‘magic words’ during your show.
Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.
Famous Magic Tricks
- Pulling a coin out from behind someone’s earlobe.
- Making a person or an object disappear and then reappear.
- Cutting something in half or destroying it and then making it reappear whole and undamaged, as for example, money or a handkerchief.
- Levitating (floating) someone or something.
- Can you think of other magic tricks?
A magician was driving down a road, when, Poof! . . . he turned into a parking lot.
Just as there are silent movies with musical accompaniment, there are magicians who perform without speaking, sometimes with dramatic music played during their shows or even a person who stands offstage or a short distance from the magician’s side and narrates, or describes what is happening, during the show, by reading from a prepared script.
“I had loved magic tricks from the time I was six or seven. I bought books on magic. I did magic acts for my parents and their friends. I was aiming for show business from early days, and magic was the poor man’s way of getting in: you buy a trick for $2, and you’ve got an act.” -Steve Martin: “Time Magazine” (24 August 1987)
“Perform as many times as you can in front of people you don’t know.” -Lance Burton, advice to those who would be magicians
In addition to their costumes, magicians have ‘props’ that they use in their magic acts. Typical props might be a deck of playing cards, a small lightweight table with a tablecloth, several colored handkerchiefs, rabbits, birds, large coins, and specially-made items for tricks.
Camilla: You know, I have half a mind to become a professional magician.
Pamela: That should do.
One way to make yourself and your magic show memorable is to do something that is unusual, different, or unique. For example, maybe you could use fruit such as apples, oranges, and bananas in your act. Make a piece of fruit disappear and reappear, and then toss it to a member of the audience. Make a piece of fruit levitate, and then throw it to someone in your audience. You could have someone dressed in a gorilla costume as your assistant. Instead of pulling a live rabbit or a toy rabbit out of a hat, you could pull balloon animals out of your hat and then hand them to children in the audience. Put your imagination to work!
If you did the old magic trick of sawing a lady in half, and you put the top half together with another lady, what you’d have is a ‘gallon a half’ . . . quite possibly that joke needs a little more work . . .
Whether you are an amateur or a professional magician, you must consider safety before doing any magic. You might develop a safety checklist to go over before each show. You would probably want to avoid using fire and flames and heat to avoid injuries to yourself, your assistant, any living creatures used in your act, and your audience members, and to avoid costly damage to your equipment or the building in which you are doing your show. If you use live animals, you will want to have the telephone number of more than one veterinarian in case an animal becomes sick or injured. You will likely want to either exercise caution or even completely avoid using anything with a sharp edge that could injure someone, including breakable glass and knives. Once you are certain everything is safe, get the show started and have fun!
A magician seeking to have his act booked at Radio City Music Hall asserted, “I’ve got a trick that will panic them.” “What is it?” asked the manager. “I saw a woman in half,” announced the magician proudly. “You call that a new trick?” scoffed the manager. “Why, they’ve been doing that around here for years.” “Oh, yeah,” snapped the magician. “How about lengthwise?”
Ask for a volunteer from the audience. Tell the person to take a coin from his or her pocket and hold it up in a closed fist so that you cannot see the date on the coin, and announce that you are going to tell everyone the date. Then, you say today’s date, which might be, for example, something like, “It’s Saturday, April 30, 2019,” even though the actual date on the coin might be something like just the year 1983. This is usually good for a laugh from the audience.
“Magic exists. Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of the wind and the silence of the stars? Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic. It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live.” -Nora Roberts: “Charmed” (1993)
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, “And what does your father do?” “Oh, he’s a magician,” replied Johnny. “Really - and what’s his best trick?” “His best trick is sawing people in half.” “Wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher. “Tell me, are there any more children in your family?” “Yes ma’am, I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.”
Magicians are the center of their acts; however, magicians may have assistants. A magician’s assistant usually does not speak during the magic acts, but stands by quietly and helps with the props or becomes a prop in the act, as when he or she is made to disappear or is sawed in half. Sometimes magicians encourage audience participation by asking people to be part of a magic act or to provide simple props such as coins or bills. While these audience members may seem to be randomly chosen people who are like everyone else in the audience, they actually may be friends or people the magician met with before the show and practiced the act with to be sure everything goes as planned.
Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. Take away the number you first thought of. Now add 7. Subtract 2. Add back the number you first thought of. Now, close your eyes. Dark, isn’t it?
Marlene: Why did Harry Houdini spend hours at the gym?
Arlene: He wanted to be fit to be tied.
Double or Nothing Magic Trick. Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer. Then ask them for a dollar bill. Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”
“Cats are magical . . . the more you pet them, the longer you both live.” -Author Unknown (We suspect that some sneaky cat slipped that line in here, because it is not exactly relevant to this topic.)
If you were going to pull a rabbit out of a hat, would you wave a magic wand . . . or would you entice the rabbit by waving a bright orange carrot?
Magicians We Have Yet to See
- Cheery Houdini . . . the clown-magician.
- Dairy Houdini . . . the magic moo-cow.
- Fairy Houdini . . . does sprightly winged magic.
- Hairy Houdini . . . the magic monkey with a human assistant.
- Harry Linguini . . . the pasta chef magician.
- Harry Whoodini . . . the magician who gives a hoot like an owl.
- Hippie Houdini . . . does groovy magic with peace and love, man.
- Santa Houdini . . . arrives in a magic flying sleigh and pulls Christmas toys from a magic sack.
- Scary Houdini . . . shows up at your door on Halloween and makes your candy magically disappear.
“As a magician I promise never to reveal the secret of any illusion to a non-magician, unless that one swears to uphold the Magician’s Oath in turn. I promise never to perform any illusion for any non-magician without first practicing the effect until I can perform it well enough to maintain the illusion of magic.” -Author Unknown: Magician’s Oath
Allison: What does a martial arts magician say?
Allie: Jitsu-judo-karate . . . chop!
“You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its glow I saw the past, the present, and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, lightning bugs, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in dewdrops. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it disciplined out, washed out, and combed out. We are told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up for goodness’ sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they had allowed to wither in themselves. After you go so far away from it, though, you can never really get it all back. You can get seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it is because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the harsh sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they are left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust twirling in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a coyote howling in the distance and wonder what it might be saying, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.” -Author Unknown
Famous People Who Started Out As Magicians
- Bob Barker
- Milton Berle
- Bill Bixby
- Johnny Carson
- Dick Cavett
- Charles Dickens
- Cary Grant
- Jerry Lewis
- Steve Martin
- Jimmy Stewart
- Dick Van Dyke
- How about you?
Martin: Have you heard about the magician who fell through the floorboards in the middle of his performance?
Marvin: Yes, but it is all right - he was just ‘going through a stage.’
A magician’s costume is commonly a top hat, a magic wand, and a set of clothes meant to help hold the audience’s attention through the use of eye-catching colors, quaint old-fashionedness, or an exotic appearance. A magician’s clothes may have many hidden pockets sewn into them. Some magicians also wear capes, false mustaches, false eyebrows, false beards, face paint, and other theatrical effects.
“Magic is a secret, and without the secret there is no magic.” -Author Unknown
The most accomplished female magician in the world is Dorothy Dietrich. She performs regularly at the Houdini Museum in Scranton, Pennsylvania, United States of America. She is also a ‘debunker,’ or someone who exposes lies, deceptions, or false ideas.
“A little magic can take you a long way.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “James and the Giant Peach” (1961)
People who learn to do magic in front of an audience also learn showmanship: timing, quick comebacks, appropriateness and inappropriateness of certain language, and the skill of continuing on even when things go wrong.
Whenever something goes wrong in your magic show, just tell your audience, “That is just how I planned it!” Pause, and continue on to your next trick.
“Shazam!” is a magic acronymic word created from Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Mercury, and it is said to invoke their powers. An acronym is a word created typically by combining the first letter of each word in a phrase or list.
Magic: Sleight of hand.
Why pull a rabbit out a hat when you could pull out one of these?
- Fake Pizza
- Stuffed animal
- What else?
Some magic wands are hollow inside to conceal handkerchiefs, powders that produce puffs like smoke but without fire or flames, or shiny colorful glitter. Magic wands can be made from rolled-up sheets of paper or wood or plastic sticks. Magicians typically wave their magic wands or tap other props such as their magic hats atop their heads, while saying magic words such as, “Abrakadabra alakazam!”
“Everything is made out of magic: leaves and trees, flowers and birds, badgers and foxes, and squirrels and people. So it must be all around us. In this garden - in all the places.” -Frances Hodgson Burnett (1849 - 1924)
What do magicians have in common with clowns, actors, musicians, and authors? Like the aforementioned folks, most professional, part-time, and amateur magicians have stage names, or names that they use in association with their magic acts, often in conjunction with somewhat exaggerated descriptive words about their acts and personas. Their stage names include words such ‘the Great’ or ‘the Amazing.’ So, if you are Jimmy O’Reilly in your private life, you might take up your hat, wand, and cape to become ‘Jacob the Fantastical Wizard of Illusion and Master of Magical Mayhem’ or if you are Sarah Sumner in your personal life, you might grab your rabbits, doves, baby chicks, and artificial flowers to become ‘the Astounding Animal Acts and Flying Floral Arrangements of Mrs. Priscilla Piccadilly’ (any resemblance to persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental). Even the magical Harry Houdini had a real name: Erich Weiss.
“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “The Minpins” (1990)
There is still time for you to get in on the act with your ‘Magic and Magicians’ facts and humor. Please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. As for our next act, we will be doing even more silly fun stuff . . .
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” -Mary McLeod Bethune (Mary Jane McLeod Bethune (1875 - 1955))
“Without forgiveness life is governed by . . . an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” -Roberto Assagioli (1888 - 1974)
“I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.” -Buddy Hackett (1924 - 2003)
“The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself.” -Eddie Vedder (born 1964)
“Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.” -Robin Casarjian
“The best manner of avenging ourselves is by not resembling him who has injured us.” -Jane Porter (1776 - 1850)
“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“I must forgive without noise or fuss.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” -Catherine Ponder (born 1927)
“The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you.” -Author Unknown
“Time spent in getting even would be better spent in getting ahead.” -Author Unknown
“I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.” -Bette Midler (born 1945)
“Forgiveness means letting go of the past.” -Gerald Jampolsky (Gerald Gersham Jampolsky (born 1925))
“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
“If you hug to yourself any resentment against anybody else, you destroy the bridge by which God would come to you.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)
“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990): as quoted in the “Saturday Review” (15 April 1978)
“There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” -Josh Billings (pseudonym of Henry Wheeler Shaw (1818 - 1885))
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” -Suzanne Somers (born 1946)
“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Luke,’ chapter 23, verse 34
Let’s let bygones be bygones
And start all over again.
Let us forget we parted
And be the same as we started.
Remember, the sunshine
Must always follow the rain.
So, let’s let bygones be bygones
And start all over again.
-Joseph George Gilbert: “Let Bygones Be Bygones” (1933), stanzas 1 and 2
“The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: Don’t get even . . . get odd!
“You must forgive those who trespass against you before you can look to Heaven for forgiveness.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
Good, to forgive;
Best, to forget.
-Robert Browning (1812 - 1889)
“Let us forget and forgive injuries.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))
Forgiveness is a funny thing;
It warms the heart and cools the sting.
-William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
“It is easier to forgive and forget than to resent and remember.” -Author Unknown
“He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach Heaven; for all men need to be forgiven.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
“Success is the best revenge.” -Michele Jolivette
The lesson has not been lost . . .
“Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness.” -David Augsburger (David W. Augsburger (born 1938))
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” -Paul Boese (Paul Lewis Boese (1923 - 1976))
“Forgive, son; men are men; they needs must err.” -Euripides (484 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
“How often could things be remedied by a word. How often is it left unspoken.” -Norman Douglas (1868 - 1952)
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))
“I think there are two kinds of forgiveness: the kind that when you forgive you’re also giving them another chance, or the kind where you forgive, but move on without them. Use both wisely.” -S. B.
“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” -George Nathan (George Jean Nathan (1882 - 1958))
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” -Buddha (also known as Siddhārtha Guatama or Shakyamuni Buddha (about 563 B.C.E. - about 483 B.C.E.))
“Forgiveness takes the burden of hate, guilt, and bitterness off your back and, with a lighter load, you can climb higher and faster, and be much happier in the process.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” -Marianne Williamson (born 1952)
“Forgiveness is the final form of love.” -Reinhold Niebuhr (1892 - 1971)
“Holding on to anger, resentment, and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache, and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” -Joan Lunden (born 1950)
“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” -Charlotte Brontë (1816 - 1855): “Jane Eyre” (1847), chapter VI
“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy, but in passing it over he is superior.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)
“When you forgive, you set a prisoner free. And then you discover that the prisoner was you.” -Author Unknown
“Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even.” -Franklin P. Jones (1853 - 1935)
“Let It Go: Forgive So That You Can Be Forgiven” (2013): title of book by T. D. Jakes (Thomas Dexter Jakes, Senior (born 1957))
“Hold hands, not grudges.” -Author Unknown
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
“Sometimes the best revenge is to smile and move on.” -Author Unknown
“To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.” -Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)
“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” -Byron Katie (born 1942)
“People are more than the worst thing they have ever done in their lives.” -Helen Prejean (born 1939)
“Forgiving is not a gift to someone else. Forgiving is your gift to yourself - a great gift - the gift of happiness.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie
“He who forgives ends the quarrel.” -Author Unknown
“Forgiveness is not an emotion, it’s a decision.” -Randall Worley
“Holding a grudge does not hurt the person against whom the grudge is held, it hurts the one who holds it.” -Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)
“Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.” -Les Brown (Leslie Calvin ‘Les’ Brown (born 1945))
“Some people insist - often very forcefully - that we must both forgive and forget, or that we have to either forgive or forget . . . as if those are our only options. Those are not our only options. When what has been done to us is horrendous, it becomes unforgiveable and unforgettable, so we can only choose an eventual third option: We neither forgive nor forget, but we learn to move past the pain, the fear, the disappointment, and the constant awareness, to a point at which we can live our lives.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Forgiveness does not mean excusing.” -C. S. Lewis (Clive Staples Lewis (1898 - 1963))
“The more a man knows, the more he forgives.” -Catherine II (also known as Catherine the Great (1729 - 1796))
“Forgotten is forgiven.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940))
“Do not burn bridges that you might have to cross again someday.” -Author Unknown
“Any man can seek revenge; it takes a king or prince to grant a pardon.” -Arthur J. Rehrat
“To err is human, to forgive divine.” -Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744)
I forgive myself for having believed for so long that . . .
I was never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted.
“Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.” -Author Unknown
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive, but do not forget.” -Thomas Szasz (1920 - 2012): “The Second Sin” (1973), ‘Personal Conduct’
“Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.” -Author Unknown
“Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.” -Harriet Nelson (Harriet Uts Nelson)
“I forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I trust them.” -Author Unknown
“Forgiving people can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, when you fear that people will wrong you again, and that once again, you will be powerless to stop them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180)): “The Meditations” (C.E. 167), Book 6, meditation 5
“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.” -Sidney and Suzanne Simon
“Nothing on Earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.” -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900): “Ecce Homo” (1888)
“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.” -E. H. Chapin (Edwin Hubbell Chapin (1814 - 1880)): “Living Words” (1861)
“Forgiveness is the noblest vengeance.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
“Living well is the best revenge.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
This is 'MFOL!' . . . if you forgot to bring your sense of humor, you can borrow ours . . .
Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then there are the birds of a different feather . . .
“You laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” -Jonathan Davis
“There are three types of people the world does not understand: madmen, geniuses, and people who mumble.” -Author Unknown
“My father (Danny Thomas) used to tell me there are two kinds of people, the takers and the givers. ‘The takers sometimes eat better,’ he would say, ‘but the givers always sleep better.’” -Marlo Thomas (born in 1937)
“Different men seek after happiness in different ways and by different means, and so make for themselves different modes of life and forms of government.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. And those who wonder what happened.” -Nicholas Murray Butler (1852 - 1947)
“There are two kinds of people in the world: you, and everyone else.” -Author Unknown
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cannot.” -Author Unknown
“Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.” -Author Unknown
“There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who do not.” -Author Unknown
“There are three kinds of people in the world. There are wolves and there are sheep - and then there are those who protect the sheep from the wolves.” -Christopher Shields
“In the not-so-long-ago-days, there were only four kinds of people: menfolk, womenfolk, youngfolk, and oldfolk. These days, they’ve divided us up into a near-infinite number of classifications, not to help us or to make the world a better place, but to manipulate us into being and doing what folks do not necessarily want to be and do.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.” -attributed to Ben Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))
Overheard: There are two types of people: those who are forgetful and . . . uh . . .
“In life we shall find many men that are great, and some that are good, but very few men that are both great and good.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832))
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
-Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))
“I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures, those who make it or those who don’t. I divide the world into learners and non-learners.” -Benjamin Barber
“Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: As different as two peas in a pod . . .
“An unlearned carpenter of my acquaintance once said in my hearing: ‘There is very little difference between one man and another; but what little there is, is very important.’” -William James (1842 - 1910): “The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy” (1897), ‘The Importance of Individuals’
“There are two kinds of people one can call reasonable: those who serve God with all their heart because they know him, and those who seek him with all their heart because they do not know him.” -Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
“A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting. A boss is interested in himself or herself, a leader is interested in the group.” -Russell H. Ewing
“I’d rather be a climbing ape than a falling angel.” -Terry Pratchett (1948 - 2015)
There are at least two sorts of people who work in complex organizations like governments, businesses, and schools. There are those who, when a problem reaches them, contribute to its solution; and there are those who, when a problem comes to them, escalate it into something worse. A man of the latter type was called into the chief executive’s office and told, “Roberto, don’t be an embolus.” “A what?” Roberto asked. “A kind of blood clot - something that circulates through the system causing trouble.”
“Many are destined to reason wrongly; others, not to reason at all, and others to persecute those who reason.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“You be you and I’ll be me.” -Billy Connolly
Somebody once said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!”
“Often the people who are different are the ones who make all the difference in this world.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
Variety’s the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavor.
-William Cowper (1731 - 1800)
“The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There’s far less competition.” -Dwight Morrow (Dwight W. Morrow (1873 - 1931)): in a letter to his son, as quoted in Harold Nicolson: “Dwight Morrow” (1935)
“Cherish forever what makes you unique, ’cuz you’re really a yawn if it goes.” -Bette Midler (born in 1945)
“There are two kinds of men who never amount to very much: Those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” -Cyrus H. K. Curtis (Cyrus Hermann Kotzschmar Curtis (1850 - 1933))
“Today, there are three kinds of people: the have’s, the have-not’s, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have’s.” -Earl Wilson
Always remember that you’re unique
Unequalled, uncommon, c’est magnifique
One of a kind, quite special and rare
Singular, original, not one of a pair
Special, the exceptional you embody
You’re really unique, just like everybody!
“There are three kinds of people in the world, the wills, the won’ts, and the can’ts. The first accomplish everything; the second oppose everything; the third fail in everything.” -Author Unknown: “Eclectic Magazine”
“We do not expect everyone to be exactly alike, and if we feel a cat should be like a dog, we are missing something important.” -Gladys Taber (Gladys Bagg Taber (1899 - 1980))
“Every human being is intended to have a character of his own; to be what no other is, and to do what no other can do.” -William Ellery Channing (1780 - 1842)
“I’m different. Always have been. It took a while but I have accepted that I am a magic not meant for everyone to understand, so they question. That’s okay. I will stay in my lane being all magical and stuff.” -Author Unknown
“Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they’ve had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have.” -H. G. Wells (Herbert George Wells (1866 - 1946))
“Appreciate your uniqueness. Never in history has there been anyone exactly like you. Being one of a kind, you must be the best you can possibly be; develop your talents to the fullest. You can do anything you wish to do; the only limitation is your will. Make the most of the one and only you.” -Bob Keeshan (Robert James ‘Bob’ Keeshan (1927 - 2004))
“Beaten paths are for beaten men.” -Eric Johnston
“Each of us must dance to his own tune.” -Author Unknown: “M*A*S*H” television series; line spoken by character Charles Emerson Winchester III
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” -Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)
“Everybody is unique. Compare not yourself with anybody else lest you spoil God’s curriculum.” -Israel ben Eliezer
“By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before.” -Edwin Elliot
“There are two types of people, those who extrapolate from incomplete data sets.” -Author Unknown
“Dare to be yourself.” -André Gide (1869 - 1951)
“A fruit salad is delicious precisely because each fruit maintains its own flavor.” -Sean Covey
“You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own.” -D. M. Dellinger
“Let’s acknowledge our differences and not deny them; appreciate them and value them; and each of us with our own uniqueness can contribute where we are needed. There is no need to go to war with each other upon the insistence that only one way of being or of doing is right.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you’re born to stand out?” -Oliver James
“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in square holes . . . the ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules . . . you can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things . . . they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” -Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011)
“There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.” -Anthony Rapp
“At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this Earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.” -Friedrich Nietzsche (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900))
“People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, ‘Why wasn’t it done the other way?’” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Junior (1841 - 1935)
“Differences were meant not to divide but to enrich.” -J. H. Oldham
“Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891)
“People are eternally divided into two classes: the believer, builder, and praiser; and the unbeliever, destroyer, and critic.” -John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)
“There are ten kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math, and those who do not.” -Author Unknown
“Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don’t fly. Eagles don’t swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don’t have feathers. Stop comparing. There’s plenty of room in the forest.” -Charles R. Swindoll (Charles Rozell ‘Chuck’ Swindoll (born in 1934))
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
“When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.” -Charles Evans Hughes (1862 - 1948): in an address at Faneuil Hall, Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America (17 June 1925)
“How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.” -Alfred de Musset (1810 - 1857): “Histoire d’un merle blanc” (“Story of the White Blackbird”) (1842)
“Don’t be like the rest of them, darling.” -Author Unknown
“There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, ‘Well, here I am!’ and those who come in and say, ‘Ah, there you are.’” -Frederick L. Collins
“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.” -Viktor E. Frankl (1905 - 1997)
“It takes all kinds of people to make a world.” -Author Unknown
“Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world.” -Margaret Laurence
“Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.” -Richard Bach (born in 1936)
“People have one thing in common: They are all different.” -Robert Zend
“All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle.” -Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Mortenson (1926 - 1962))
‘Make Fun Of Life!’ . . . because we are all a little bit funny . . .
The elephants are planning a party, but they don’t want the hippopotamuses to know, because they are not invited, because at the last party, the hippos tried to go swimming in the punch bowl, and then one of them insulted the oldest kangaroo in the world . . . and hippos can’t dance - you won’t tell anyone I told you this, right?
Lena little closer, I want to tell you something.
“A life filled with silly social drama and gossip indicates that a person is disconnected from purpose and lacking meaningful goals. People on a path of purpose don’t have time for drama.” -Brendon Burchard (born 1977): “The Charge” (2012)
Polly: What tongue can wag and yet never utter a word?
Anna: The tongue of a shoe.
“Gossip travels fast and can wreck lives. I’m not driving that vehicle.” -Susan Gale
Riddle: What’s the difference between a gossip and a mirror?
Solution: One speaks without reflecting, and the other reflects without speaking.
“A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people’s business.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983): “The True Believer” (1951), Section 10
“The rumor grows as it goes.” [English translation]
“Fama crescit eundo.” [original Latin]
-Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil)
A ‘quidnunc’ (pronounced kwid-nuhngk) is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip. The word is derived from the Latin phrase ‘Quid nunc?’ meaning ‘What now?’ Another name for a chronically nosy person is ‘busybody.’
“Rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk of you as they please.” -Pythagoras (about 570 B.C.E. - about 495 B.C.E.): as attributed in Tryon Edwards (under pseudonym Everard Berkeley): “The World’s Laconics, Or, The Best Thoughts of the Best Authors” (1853), page 71; ‘laconics’ meaning ‘in few words’
There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly becomes any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
-Edward Wallis Hoch (1849 - 1925)
“I want to be around people who do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore who judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people who dream, and support, and do things.” -Amy Poehler (born 1971)
“If people speak ill of you, live so that no one will believe them.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.)
“If you are going to talk about someone else, talk about their virtues and good qualities. Didn’t Mary look great in that dress today? That is a great color on her. Wasn’t that a great meal she cooked? That is the way to have a positive conversation.” -Author Unknown
“Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering that of others.” -Author Unknown
A truth that’s told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
-William Blake (1757 - 1827): “Auguries of Innocence” (1803); type of work: poem
“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)
“I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth; but rather by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others, and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody.” -Ben Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))
“A guy or gal can’t keep people from having a bad opinion of him or her, but he or she can keep them from being right about it.” -Author Unknown
Who Am I?
I am more deadly than the screaming shells from the howitzer.
I win without killing.
I tear down homes, break hearts, and wreck lives.
I travel on the wings of the wind.
No innocence is strong enough to intimidate me, no purity pure enough to daunt me.
I have no regard for truth, no respect for justice, no mercy for the defenseless.
My victims are as numerous as the sands of the sea, and often as innocent.
I never forget and never forgive.
My name is . . . gossip.
-Morgan Blake (William Morgan ‘Morgan’ Blake (1889 - 1953))
“People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.” -Author Unknown
“Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.” -Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800 - 1859)
“It’s a pity, but owing to the pull of gravity, it takes less energy to open the mouth than to close it.” -Author Unknown
“Do not mind anything that anyone tells you about anyone else. Judge everyone and everything for yourself.” -Henry James (Henry James, Junior (1843 - 1916))
“You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.” -Leo Aikman (James Leo ‘Leo’ Aikman (1908 - 1978))
“Never take pleasure in the misfortune of others.” -Author Unknown
“People will question all the good things they hear about you, but believe all the bad without a second thought.” -Author Unknown
“I hate to spread rumors - but what else can one do with them?” -Amanda Lear (born 1939)
“Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.” -Author Unknown: Spanish proverb
“All truths are not to be told.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633): “Jacula Prudentum” (“Outlandish Proverbs”) (1651)
“It isn’t what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.” -Errol Flynn (1909 - 1959)
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
“To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.” -Will Durant (William James ‘Will’ Durant (1885 - 1981)) and Ariel Durant (1898 - 1981)
“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
“We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.” -Olin Miller (1918 - 2002)
“If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.” -Author Unknown
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” -Alice Roosevelt Longworth (Alice Lee Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980))
“Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business.” -Ann Landers (pseudonym of Esther Pauline ‘Eppie’ Lederer (1918 - 2002))
Gossip: A person with a keen sense of rumor.
“It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other people’s business.” -Dolley Madison (Dolley Payne Todd Madison (1768 - 1849))
What does the Bible say about gossip? “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible” (English Standard Version), ‘Exodus,’ chapter 20, verse 16
“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.” -Author Unknown
“If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself, you should say: ‘He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.’” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135): “The Enchiridion” (about C.E. 135)
“A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.” -John Tudor
UnSaying My Words
Once there were two boys that were very good friends. They explored, fished, and hunted together. They were both great athletes and well-liked by all in their village.
In their village, there was also a young girl that they both began to like, and they competed to be noticed by her. One of the boys, out of jealousy, told the girl that the other boy had done something very bad which would disgrace him and his family. This was completely untrue.
Afterwards, the boy felt ashamed of what he had done. He told the girl that he had lied and he apologized to his friend for what he had said.
But, as he walked around the village, he could hear others repeating the false words he had spoken about his friend. Very troubled by this, he went to a wise elderly man for advice.
“How can I undo this terrible thing I have done?” he asked. The wise man told him, “Shoot three ducks and three geese. Pull off all their feathers and put them in a leather bag. Bring the bag and the birds to me.” The boy did this. He gave the birds to the wise man and the wise man said, “Now, take the bag of feathers to the top of a high mountain, open it, and shake out all the feathers. Then return here.”
The boy climbed the mountain, released all the feathers into the wind, and returned to the wise man.
The wise man said, “Now, go back up the mountain and pick up every single feather you released and put them back in your bag.” The boy replied, “But, that is not possible. The feathers have blown far away. I can never recover all of them.”
The wise man said, “So it is with your words.”
Think about the impact of your words before you say them. You cannot take back something you have said.
“People who have little to do are excessive talkers.” -Author Unknown
“Gossip needn’t be false to be evil - there’s a lot of truth that shouldn’t be passed around.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
“Ignore those people who are always talking behind your back - that’s where they belong, behind your back.” -Author Unknown
“Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering that of others.” -Author Unknown
“Busy people are never busybodies.” -Ethel Watts Mumford (1876 - 1940)
“Today’s gossip is tomorrow’s headline.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972)
“Do not let your peace depend on what people say of you, for whether they speak good or ill of you makes no difference to what you are.” -Thomas à Kempis (about 1379 - 1471): “The Imitation of Christ” (about 1420), book 3, chapter 28: ‘Against Slander’
“I used to hate being gossiped about. But now when I hear people talking about me, I console myself with what my mother once told me: ‘Birds peck at the best fruit’.” -Author Unknown
“Life would be a perpetual flea hunt if a man were obliged to run down all the innuendoes, inveracities, insinuations, and misrepresentations which are uttered against him.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . where everything old is new again . . . except old gossip . . . which never should have been told in the first place . . .
Carpenters are people with purple thumbs and wood splinters in their skin . . . and they also enjoy a fairly decent standard of living.
Riddle: What is made of wood but cannot be sawed?
Riddle: What has teeth but cannot chew?
Answer: A saw.
Carpenter: What seems to be the matter?
Apprentice: I cut this board six times and it is still too short!
Elmer: Where do apprentice carpenters live?
Grover: In boarding houses.
Jim: What did the dog say when he licked the sandpaper?
Bob: “Ruff, ruff!”
Two journeymen carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over his shoulder or hammer it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?” The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in.” The second journeyman got completely upset and yelled, “You dummy! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective - they’re for the other side of the house!”
Rob: I am reading a book that shows how to build storage spaces.
Roy: I guess you are still into those shelf-help books.
A so-called ‘2 X 4’ piece of wood is not 2 inches by 4 inches in size, but is actually 1.5 inches by 3.5 inches in size, and this oddity also occurs with other sizes of boards. The measurements of wooden boards are made prior to air drying or kiln drying, application of preservative chemicals, planing, and other treatments. Any person new to working with wood may want to obtain a chart showing the dimensions of rough lumber from which measurements are made, and the corresponding measurements of the finished lumber as available from lumberyards and building materials suppliers.
A carpenter went to a lumberyard and asked for some two-by-fours. “How long do you need them?” asked the yardman. “Oh, for a really long time. I’m building a house,” the carpenter replied.
How do you remove a splinter? Just pour a drop of wood glue or all-purpose glue over the splinter, let it dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter will stick to the dried glue. Another technique is to put adhesive tape over the splinter and then pull it off. Adhesive tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. Tweezers will also work if you have them available.
“One 2 x 4 beam can support 607 pounds, but two 2 x 4’s nailed together can support not just 1,214 pounds (which is what you’d expect), but a whopping 4,878 pounds! So it is with us. We can do so much more together than we can alone.” -Sean Covey
Carpenter’s apprentices are sometimes sent on fool’s errands, meaning that they are sent off to go do something that might in fact be impossible, or to get something that maybe does not really exist, as in the following examples.
- Go fetch the board stretcher from the site foreman.
- I need you to get the left-handed hammer from Jim who is over by the cement mixer.
- I left the pull-cord for the ripsaw on the floor of Al’s truck, go get it for me.
A physicist, a mathematician, and a carpenter were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The carpenter chose the thermos bottle. “Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because a thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.” “Yes, so what?” “Think about it,” said the carpenter. “That little bottle, how does it ‘know’?”
“I was drilling a hole today, and I thought, ‘Well, this is boring.’”
Suppose you want to build shelves. Your plan might require, for example, 14 pieces of lumber that each are 1 inch thick by 12 inches wide by 90 inches in length (don’t worry, this is not a math problem). You go to your local lumberyard and find boards 1 inch thick by 12 inches wide by 96 inches in length. Does this mean you will have to cut 6 inches off each of the 14 pieces of wood to build your shelves? What if you do not have a saw, or you are not confident in your ability to make straight cuts? What can you do? Very likely, the people where you buy the wood will cut it to length for you. They will have plenty of practice and know how to cut the lumber to your exact specification, and have equipment that allows them to complete the job in a matter of minutes. So, instead of spending half a day breathing in sawdust and making crooked cuts, you get clean, straight, uniformly cut lumber. Most lumberyards and home improvement businesses will handle simple cuts like this for you. Some will also custom cut sheets of glass for windows and cut custom sized pieces of pipe for plumbing.
Glenard: Why do carpenters take so long to sign contracts?
Gwyneth: Because they want to hammer out all the details first.
Carpenter’s T-Shirt: Good grammar is important but carpentry is importanter.
Clementine: How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
Lemuel: Hey, that is the electrician’s job! We are unionized, you know.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were hired to hammer a nail into a wall. For the job, the engineer built a Universal Automatic Nailer, a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall - but it ran on solar power and would not work on cloudy days. The physicist conducted a series of experiments on the strengths of hammers, nails, and walls, and then developed a revolutionary technology for ultra-sonic nail hammering, at super-cooled temperatures. The mathematician generalized the problem to an N dimensional problem of penetration of a one-dimensional nail into an N-1 dimensional hyper-wall, in which several fundamental theorems are provable. In the case of the mathematician, of course, the problem became too multifaceted to suggest the possibility of a simple solution, and the existence of a solution is still far from obvious. In the end, the company transferred the engineer, the physicist, and the mathematician to the janitorial department, the building security department, and the customer complaints department . . . and a carpenter was hired to hammer the nail into the wall.
Tad: What nails should carpenters avoid hitting with their hammers?
Thaddeus: Their fingernails.
Carpenter’s car bumper sticker: You Should See What I Saw!
Carpenter’s Saws (A ‘saw’ is an old saying or maxim.)
- Wood is good.
- Boards: Measure twice, cut once.
- Screws: Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
- Hammers: Hit the nail on the head and the thumb on the nail.
- A carpenter’s word is as good as wood.
“I think objects made of wood by children, left to their own devices, if such there be, will assay ten percent wood, ninety percent nails.” -Robert Paul Smith: “Where Did You Go?” “Out.” “What Did You Do?” “Nothing.” (1957)
I am buried in wood
From one end to the other,
But my head is exposed
While I keep things together.
What am I?
I am a nail.
- The earthly father of Jesus of Nazareth was a carpenter.
- Harrison Ford is a carpenter-turned-actor.
- Norman L. ‘Norm’ Abram is a master carpenter and television personality.
Charlotte: Why did the carpenter put a fir tree in his living room?
Lottie: He wanted to spruce up the place.
“If the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail.” -Abraham H. Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970)): “The Psychology of Science” (1966)
Think about it, this could very well explain why people with hammers hit their thumbs; because they are holding hammers, their thumbs look like nails to them.
“When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a thumb.” -Author Unknown
The Carpenter’s Hammer
The carpenter’s hammer goes rap, rap, rap
And his saw goes see, saw, see
He saws and measures and hammers and paints
While he builds a house for me
Who does carpentry?
- Furniture makers
- Wood carvers
- Musical instrument makers
- Ship builders
- Can you think of others?
How much wood would a carpenter ant cut if a carpenter ant could cut wood?
We are suffering from a lack of good clean amusing carpentry jokes and facts to fill this space, so if you can help us, please contact us at www.MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
All things have their beginnings . . .
“It is time to get moving. Your spirits will lift accordingly.” -Author Unknown
“Do it now, because sometimes ‘later’ becomes ‘never.’” -Author Unknown
No matter our age or where we’ve been
or what we’ve said and done,
Each sunrise is a reminder
that we’ve only just begun.
“Don’t be afraid to start over. It’s a chance to build something better this time.” -Author Unknown
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.” -Marie Beynon Ray (1886 - 1963)
“For what it’s worth . . . it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)
“It is never too late, just as it is never too early.” -Author Unknown
“The hardest step of any worthwhile endeavor is always the first step. The second hardest step is the one you take after every fiber in your body says, “Quit!” but you know in your spirit you must carry on.” -Al Argo
“Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.” -Demosthenes (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with there is.” -Ernest Hemingway (Ernest Miller Hemingway (1899 - 1961))
“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
“It is better to begin in the evening than not at all.” -Author Unknown: English proverb
“Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.” -Richard L. Evans (Richard Louis Evans (1906 - 1971))
“Sometimes it is really hard to get going. We put off things we do not want to do, or we are afraid to try. We occasionally feel overwhelmed by the size of a job to be done, like cleaning out the cellar or reading a long book for a class. But think a minute. If Beethoven had thought about how complicated it would be to write his Ninth Symphony, with all the instruments and voices and notes to blend together, do you really think he would ever have started? But he did not get overwhelmed. He sat down and wrote just one small note, and then another, and third. It took him months, but writing one note led to a second and, one note at a time, he completed it. We begin the same way with whatever tasks we have ahead of us. Each tiny bit of progress helps us go on to the next part. We begin by reading one page of that book, or taking one box of junk from the cellar. That is all we have to do. The rest will follow almost on its own. The trick is to begin.” -Author Unknown
To ever new beginnings . . .
“If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin.” -Ivan Turgenev (Ivan Sergeyevich Turgenev (1818 - 1883))
“This is the start of something wonderful.” -Author Unknown
“It isn’t where you came from; it’s where you’re going that counts.” -Ella Fitzgerald (1918 - 1996)
“Of a good beginning cometh a good end.” -John Heywood (1497 - 1580): “Proverbs” (1546), part I, chapter X
“Until one is committed, there is always hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that never otherwise would have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
“Mighty things from small beginnings grow.” -John Dryden (1631 - 1700)
“You begin by always expecting good things to happen.” -Tom Hopkins
“As the dimensions of the tree are not always regulated by the size of the seed, so the consequences of things are not always proportionate to the apparent magnitude of those events that have produced them.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832)): “Lacon: or, Many Things in Few Words” (1820), CLXXXVIII
“Begin with the end in mind.” -Stephen Covey (Stephen Richards Covey (1932 - 2012))
“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
“It doesn’t matter where you start. Only that you begin.” -Robin Sharma (born 1965)
“Every ending is creating the space and opening for an amazing new beginning.” -Bryant McGill (born 1969)
“Start from wherever you are and with whatever you’ve got.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“He has half the deed done who has made a beginning. Have the courage to be wise. Begin!” -Quintus Horatius Flaccus (also known as Horace (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)): “Epistles”
“If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed.” -David Viscott (1938 - 1996)
“The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings.” -Dave Weinbaum (born about 1952)
“The start is what stops most people.” -Don Shula (Donald Francis Shula (born 1930))
“The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
“All glory comes from daring to begin.” -Eugene Ware (Eugene Fitch Ware (1841 - 1911))
“If the first button of one’s coat is wrongly buttoned, all the rest will be crooked.” -Giordano Bruno (1548 - 1600): as attributed in John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton: “The Cambridge Modern History” (1904), page 707
“You can’t get much done by starting tomorrow.” -Author Unknown
“The best time for new beginnings is now.” -Author Unknown
“He who is outside his door has the hardest part of his journey behind him.” -Author Unknown: Dutch proverb
“The beginnings of all things are small.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero (also known as Tully or simply as Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“Too many people spend too much time trying to perfect something before they actually do it. Instead of waiting for perfection, run with what you’ve got, and fix it along the way.” -Paul Arden (1940 - 2008)
“The beginning is the most important part of any work.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.): “The Republic” (about 380 B.C.E.), Book 2
“The secret to living the life of your dreams is to start living the life of your dreams today, in every little way you possibly can.” -Mike Dooley (born 1961)
“I have begun several times many things, and I have often succeeded at last.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
“You can’t cross the sea merely by staring at the water.” -Rabindranath Tagore (1861 - 1941)
“Making a start involves physics. An object at rest tends to remain at rest; an object in motion tends to remain in motion - unless acted upon by an outside force in either instance. So the difficulty is only one of getting an object at rest - which is you, your circumstances, other people around you, and so forth, into a state of motion. Once in motion, or that is, having made a start, objects and courses of events have a known propensity to remain in motion.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.” -Edward Eggleston (1837 - 1902)
“You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.” -Stephen King (born 1947)
“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb (born 1956)
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -Lao Tzu (604 B.C.E. - 531 B.C.E.)
“Don’t be afraid if things seem difficult in the beginning. That’s only the initial impression. The important thing is not to retreat; you have to master yourself.” -Olga Korbut (Olga Valentinovna Korbut (born 16 May 1955))
“Do not despise the bottom rungs in the ascent to greatness.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
“If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved.” -Maurice Chevalier (Maurice Auguste Chevalier (1888 - 1972))
“The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” -William Faulkner (1897 - 1962)
“I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.” -Takeshi Shudo (1949 - 2010), speaking through his fictional character Mewtwo
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“Well begun is half done.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“It’s never too late for a new beginning in your life.” -Joyce Meyer (born 1943)
“As it turns out, now is the moment you’ve been waiting for.” -Lucinda Williams (born 1953)
“So many fail because they don’t get started - they don’t go. They don’t overcome inertia. They don’t begin.” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“When was the last time you did something for the first time?” -John C. Maxwell (John Calvin Maxwell (born 20 February 1947))
“You can learn new things at any time in your life if you’re willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up for you.” -Barbara Sher (born 1935): “I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It” (1995)
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
“The question for each man is not what he would do if he had the means, time, influence, and educational advantages, but what he will do with the things he has.” -Alexander Hamilton (1755 or 1757 - 1804)
“Begin anywhere.” -John Cage (John Milton Cage, Junior (1912 - 1992))
“It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.” -Henry James, Junior (1843 - 1916)
“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” -Napoleon Hill (Oliver Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970))
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” -Shunryu Suzuki (1904 - 1971)
“Take the first step, no more, no less, and the next will be revealed.” -Ken Roberts (born 1946): “A Rich Man’s Secret” (1995) (similar quotation attributed to Clement Watt)
“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” -Arthur Ashe (1943 - 1993)
“The one thing all famous authors, world class athletes, business tycoons, singers, actors, and celebrated achievers in any field have in common is that they all began their journeys when they were none of these things.” -Mike Dooley (born 1961)
“No matter how small and unimportant what we are doing may seem, if we do it well, it may soon become the step that will lead us to better things.” -Channing Pollock (1880 - 1946)
“Our grand business in life is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“Can anything be sadder than work unfinished? Yes, work never begun.” -Christina Rossetti (Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894))
“Every really new idea looks crazy at first.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970))
Is half done.
-Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 6294
“The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn; the bird waits in the egg; and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs.” -James Allen (1864 - 1912): “As a Man Thinketh” (1903)
“Out of the lowest depths there is a path to the loftiest height.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“You already have all you need.” -James Cardinal Gibbons: “The Light of the Cross” (1905; 2 volumes)
“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must. But take a step.” -Naeem Callaway
“And suddenly you just know it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” -Meister Eckhart (Eckhart von Hochheim (about C.E. 1260 - about 1327))
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . let’s continue reading to find out if anything on this website rhymes . . .
There is more to life than just expressing likes and dislikes . . .
“I am not given to finding fault, for there are innumerable fools.” -Plato (about 427 - about 347 B.C.E.): “Protagoras”
“Some people find fault like there’s a reward for it.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957))
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’re a mile away from them - and you have their shoes!” -Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
“I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero (also known as Tully or simply Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
Riddle: What is easier to give than receive?
“The reason to not take things personally is to understand that what people say about you is a reflection of them, not you.” -Author Unknown
What one approves, another scorns,
And thus his nature each discloses;
You find the rosebush full of thorns,
I find the thornbush full of roses.
-Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)
“Never allow anyone to rain on your parade and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on the entire day. Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealously, and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))
“All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.” -Author Unknown
“The sad part about life is that we tend to comment only on those who do it wrong and neglect to balance it with praise for those who do it right.” -Keith Ready
“Wink at small faults.” -John Clarke (1596 - 1658): “Proverbs: English and Latine” (1639)
“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Sandwich every bit of criticism between two thick layers of praise.” -Mary Kay Ash (1918 - 2001)
“Much of what people attempt to pass off as criticism or even constructive criticism is actually condemnation and an effort to slight or wound or destroy another person. You must develop a hard shell around your essential self to stop the slings and arrows of the critical and judgmental people you will encounter throughout your lifetime.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Long experience has taught me that to be criticized is not always to be wrong.” -Anthony Eden: in a speech at the Lord Mayor’s Guildhall banquet during the Suez crisis, as quoted in the “Daily Herald” (10 November 1956) newspaper
The stones that critics hurl with harsh intent
A man may use to build his monument.
-Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)
“Criticism is a destroyer of self-worth and esteem.” -H. Burke Peterson (Harold Burke Peterson (1923 - 2013)): ‘Preparing the Heart,’ in “Ensign” (May 1990), page 83
“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” -Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994)
Many people who call themselves ‘critics’ would better serve themselves if they instead made themselves into ‘reviewers’ and their ‘critiques’ into ‘reviews.’
“Criticizing another’s garden does not keep the weeds out of your own.” -Author Unknown
“To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1788))
“The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away.” -Charles M. Schwab (1862 - 1939)
“If you have no will to change it, you have no right to criticize it.” -Author Unknown
“Criticism of others is futile and if you indulge in it often you should be warned that it can be fatal to your career.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
Hypercritical: Excessively and unreasonably critical, especially of small faults.
“He who fancies himself very enlightened, because he sees the deficiencies of others, may be very ignorant, because he has not studied his own.” -Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803 - 1873)
“Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been put up in honor of a critic.” -Jean Sibelius
“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” -Bill Nye (Edgar Wilson ‘Bill’ Nye; quotation commonly misattributed to Mark Twain), referring to Richard Wagner
“What you dislike in another, take care to correct in yourself.” -Thomas Sprat
“Movie Critic: A person who gives the best jeers of his or her life to the theater.” -Author Unknown
“People who judge others are insecure about themselves.” -Author Unknown
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours burn any brighter.” -Author Unknown
“To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult.” -Plutarch
“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace.” -Judith Martin (born in 1938)
“Sometimes people try to expose what’s wrong with you because they can’t handle everything that’s right about you.” -Author Unknown
“Make it your habit not to be critical about small things.” -Edward Everett Hale (1822 - 1909): as quoted in Jessie K. Freeman and Sarah S. B. Yule: “Thoughts Selected from the Writings of Favorite Authors” (1901)
“Criticism is something we can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” -Matthew: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Matthew,’ chapter 7, verse 1
“If we had no faults we should not take so much pleasure in noting those of others.” -Duc de Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)
“Court not the critic’s smile, nor dread his frown.” -Walter Scott (1771 - 1832)
“The most insignificant people are the most apt to sneer at others. They are safe from reprisals and have no hope of rising in their own self-esteem but by lowering their neighbors.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)
“People who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size.” -Author Unknown
“Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.” -Zeuxis of Heraclea (464 B.C.E. - 400 B.C.E.)
“Don’t worry about what people say about you; they are busy finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own lives.” -Author Unknown
“Criticism is a life without risk.” -John Lahr (born in 1941): “Light Fantastic: Adventures in Theatre” (1996)
“You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark.” -Wallace Arnold
“Our worst fault is our preoccupation with the faults of others.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931): as quoted in Robin Waterfield, editor: “The Voice of Kahlil Gibran: An Anthology” (1995)
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we could find other things as easily as we find fault?” -Author Unknown
“It is easier to be critical than correct.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
“The man who is anybody and who does anything is surely going to be criticized, vilified, and misunderstood. This is part of the penalty for greatness, and every man understands, too, that it is no proof of greatness.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
Overheard: People who have time to point out others’ mistakes have time to do some work.
“Pay more attention to your creator than your critics.” -Author Unknown
“No matter what you or anyone else does, there will be someone who says that there’s something bad about it. Whenever somebody comes up with a good idea, there’s somebody else who has never had a good idea in his life who stands up and says, ‘Oh, you can’t do that . . .’” -Tom Clancy
“When one dog barks another will join it.” -Author Unknown
“Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (born in 1940)
“Usually our criticism of others is not because they have faults, but because their faults are different than ours.” -Roger Eastman
Can you list ten things more fun and interesting to do than criticizing others?
“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, criticize.” -Author Unknown
“Be a doer and not a critic.” -Tony Blair
“Criticism does not make you smarter or better than the one you are criticizing. In fact, the stuff you are critical of in others is the same stuff you don’t like about yourself.” -Iyanla Vanzant
“It is easier to pull down than to build up.” -Author Unknown
“He has never learned anything, and he can do nothing in decent style.” -Author Unknown: comment made by Beethoven’s teacher
“It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others.” -Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)
“When we criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” -Richard Carlson (1961 - 2006)
“Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember - the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“People criticized me. So I changed. But people still criticized me. So I changed more. And still people criticized me. Then finally I realized it’s what they will do, no matter what. And I changed once more, by no longer listening to those people.” -Brian Vaszily
“I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” -Charles M. Schwab (1862 - 1939)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . a website put together by some folks who could have been clowns but who lack costumes . . . and who also have no discernable talent for being clowns . . . how’s that for criticism?
“Do not worry too much - you will create a problem that was not even there in the first place!” -Author Unknown
“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.” -Morris West (Morris Langlo West (1916 - 1999))
“Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don’t want.” -Esther Hicks (born in 1948)
“Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow.” -Author Unknown
A worry crept into a mind,
Leaving claw marks and gashes behind.
It turned the mind blue
As it twisted each screw,
Then it chuckled, and left, with a grind.
“Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those that never happen.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891)
“The best antidote to worry is work.” -A. J. Cronin (Archibald Joseph Cronin (1896 - 1981))
“Worry is a form of fear, and all forms of fear produce fatigue. A man who has learned not to feel fear will find the fatigue of daily life enormously diminished.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
If you’re worried and you can’t sleep,
Just count your blessings instead of sheep,
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings.
-Irving Berlin (1888 - 1989): “Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep” (1954); type of work: song
“Our worst misfortunes never happen, and most miseries lie in anticipation.” -Honoré de Balzac (1799 - 1850)
“Stop worrying . . . and start making jokes!” -Author Unknown
A little bitty worry
Started early in the day;
By noon it seemed my worry
Hovered, standing in my way;
The things and thoughts
I should have had
Got buried in my mind,
Until my little worry turned
Into the horrid kind.
By bedtime I was frantic -
What to do, oh what to do!
And then I couldn’t go to sleep,
For worrying - fretting, too.
By morning I was almost sick,
When suddenly and soon,
My worry had been all worked out
Before the toll of noon;
Then I looked back and saw my worry
Just for what it was -
A thing that didn’t happen,
As a worry seldom does.
-Bonnie Daisy Nelson: as published in “A Garden of Poems” from the Salesian Collection
“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles . . . by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“Let not your heart be troubled.” -John: as quoted in “The Bible” (King James Version, 1611), ‘The Gospel According to John,’ chapter 14, verse 1
“Wringing your hands only stops you from rolling up your sleeves.” -James Rollins
“Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles; it takes away today’s peace.” - Author Unknown
“We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” -Ethel Barrett (1913 - 1998)
“Who says worry doesn’t help - all those things I worry about don’t happen!” -Author Unknown
“Meditate upon exile, torture, wars, diseases, shipwreck . . . so that you may not be a novice to any misfortune.” -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the Earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it well and I am, well
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
“Worrying takes up just as much time as work, but work pays better dividends.” -Author Unknown
“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.” -Michel de Montaigne (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)): “Essais” (“Essays”) (1595), Book 3, chapter 1
“The most pleasant and useful persons are those who leave some of the problems of the Universe for God to worry about.” -Don Marquis (1878 - 1937)
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.” -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18))
“The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“Some of today’s worries are like puddles: tomorrow they will have evaporated.” -Author Unknown
“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” -Author Unknown: Swedish proverb
“A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)
“It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
“What worries you, masters you.” -John Locke (1632 - 1704)
“A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” -Harold Stephens (born in 1926)
“Worry is an abuse of God’s gift of imagination.” -Corrine Lajeunesse
“Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night.” -Leo Aikman (James Leo Aikman (1908 - 1978))
Worry: Mountain climbing over molehills.
“If you’re overwhelmed by thinking of all there is to be done, stop thinking about it so much and start working on it.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.” -Author Unknown
“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963))
Worry is a futile thing,
It’s somewhat like a rocking chair;
Although it keeps you occupied,
It doesn’t get you anywhere.
Overheard: Don’t tell me worrying doesn’t do any good - I know better! Most of the things I worry about never happen.
“Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.” -Corrie ten Boom (Cornelia ‘Corrie’ ten Boom (1892 - 1983))
“Nothing wastes more energy than worrying. The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it becomes. Don’t take life too seriously. Live a life full of serenity, not full of regrets.” -Douglas Pagels (born in 1950)
“How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” (1948) is a self-help book by Dale Carnegie (1888 - 1955). Mr. Carnegie wrote in the preface of the book that he wrote it because he “was one of the unhappiest lads in New York.” He said that he made himself sick with worry because he hated his position in life. The goal of the book is to lead the reader to a more enjoyable and fulfilling life, helping them to become more aware of not only themselves, but of others around them. Mr. Carnegie addresses the everyday nuances of living, in order to get the reader to focus on the larger canvas of life.
“Worry never accomplishes anything. When you have a problem, it is best to concentrate on the solution to that problem, not the problem itself.” -Thomas D. Willhite (1940 - 1983)
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep always in the sunlight.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
“Worry is an unhealthy and destructive mental habit.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength.” -A. J. Cronin (Archibald Joseph Cronin (1896 - 1981))
Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Jesus Christ: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Matthew,’ chapter 6, verses 25 through 34
“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will overlook what is.” -Author Unknown
“Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keep you busy doing nothing.” -Author Unknown
“I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.” -Author Unknown
“Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.” -Mary Hemingway
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” -Corrie ten Boom (Cornelia ‘Corrie’ ten Boom (1892 - 1983)): “Clippings from my Notebook” (1982)
“Worrying is silly - it is like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain.” -Author Unknown
How can you make the ‘Worry List’ you carry in your head a little shorter?
“Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear three kinds - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.” -Edward Everett Hale (1822 - 1909)
“To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.” -Author Unknown
“Do not let trifles disturb your tranquility of mind. The little pinpricks of daily life, when dwelt upon and magnified, may do great damage, but if ignored or dismissed from thought, will disappear from inanition. Most men have worried about things which never happened, and more men have been killed by worry than by hard work. Life is so great in its opportunities and possibilities, that you should rise confidently above the inevitable trifles incident to daily contact with the world. Life is too precious to be sacrificed for the nonessential and transient . . . Ignore the inconsequential.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953)
“You can’t change the past, but you can a ruin a perfectly good present worrying about the future.” -Author Unknown
“People spend most of their lives worrying about things that never happen.” -Jean Molière (pseudonym of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin (1622 - 1673))
Worries and Worriers Quiz
- How do you know if you are worrying too much?
- Can worrying make you sick?
- Can you train yourself to worry less?
“If you truly want to test your memory, try to remember the things you worried about yesterday!” -Author Unknown
“Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t fill your head with worries. There won’t be room for anything else!” -Author Unknown
At ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ we are worried that we might actually be taken seriously. So, we rely on nice folks like you to keep emailing silly stuff to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Okay, that is enough worrying for one day . . . now let’s go have some fun!
This looks like a job for a superhero - or perhaps it is a job for you . . .
Emma: How does Spiderman repair holes in his costume?
Emmit: With super glue!
“Ask yourself who you want to help today, then put on your cape and do it.” -Scottie Somers
Superboy: Why could Batman and Robin not go fishing?
Superboy: Because Robin ate all the worms!
Admit it, at some point in life, you have tried to see if you have super powers.
Darla: Why did the superhero cross the road?
Marla: To get to the supermarket.
Overheard: I am not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in a room together.
Myrna: What is Batman’s favorite part of a joke?
Verna: The ‘punch’ line!
We have a great idea for a new superhero: Spudman. Like all potato people, he has many ‘eyes’ so he can simultaneously see in all directions without having to turn and look. His secret hideout is underground in a farm field, although he is often spotted in the produce section at grocery stores. He has to contend with a number of villainous chefs who want to turn him into garlic mashed potatoes, onion-potato cakes, a bacon-and-chives topped stuffed baked potato, or other fabulous foodstuffs, while he tries to save the people of Vegopolis from a massive celery famine, all the while being distracted by Sweet Potato and Candied Yam, both of whom are competing for his attention . . . what’s that . . . oh, gotta go, the boss is yelling at us to stop goofing around and get back to work!
Eunice: Why is Superman’s shirt so tight?
Eustice: Because it is a size ‘S’!
Kirby: How does the butler Alfred Pennyworth call Batman to dinner?
Herbie: “Dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-Batman!!!” (Sing it to the tune of the 1960’s “Batman” television show theme music to get the full effect of the joke.)
Overheard: If I could be a superhero, I would be called Ironic. That way, when there is any trouble and I am running away from it, people would say, “Isn’t that Ironic?”
Every episode of the television show “Seinfeld” has a reference to Superman somewhere in it.
Alvin: What is Spiderman’s favorite month?
Superman first appeared in “Action Comics no. 1” (June 1938).
Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg,
The bat-mobile lost its wheels,
And Joker got away!
People tend to think they are physically stronger when wearing Superman t-shirts.
Spiderman went to the video rental store and asked if he could have “Batman Forever.” The clerk said, “No, just 24 hours like everyone else.”
Judy: Who can leap higher than a tall building?
Jody: Anybody, because tall buildings cannot leap!
Batman waiting for the school bus - will the school bus driver be the Joker, Robin, Cat Woman, or the mayor of Gotham City?
The unassuming Clark Kent wears regular-people clothes, but when he becomes Superman, he rapidly changes into a colorful red-and-blue spandex suit with a cape - so what does he do with his regular clothes when he is in super-mode? Rumor has it that he wears his superhero outfit under his regular clothes, and that he has a hidden pocket in his cape, into which he places his super-neatly-folded regular clothes. Mystery solved!
Charlene: What would you get if Batman and his sidekick Robin were run over by a herd of stampeding elephants?
Darlene: Flatman and Ribbon.
Superman, also known as Clark Kent, was created in 1934 by Jerome ‘Jerry’ Siegel, a graduate of Glenville High School in Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America. Mr. Siegel’s partner, Joseph ‘Joe’ Shuster, improved the character with tights, a cape, and a handsome face. They moved to New York City, where they faced hard times and sold all rights to the comic-strip character to DC Comics for a mere $130. In June 1938, the first Superman comic appeared, and the muscle-bound flying man ‘really took off.’
Merlin: What was Batman doing in a tree?
Marlena: Looking for Robin.
As the mild-mannered Clark Kent, Superman is afraid of girls. He is probably worried that he will run into the one he stole the red-and-blue outfit he wears from.
Archie: What is green and sour and flies?
Archibald: Super Pickle!
The name ‘Clark Kent’ (Superman) was derived from the names of actors Clark Gable and Kent Taylor.
Ernest: What is the difference between the Green Lantern and a leprechaun?
Nestor: Nothing; they are both fictional characters.
Legal disclaimer on an actual superhero costume: Wearing this costume does not enable its wearer to fly.
“DC Comics is reviving Superman’s old outfit. I never understood Superman’s clothes. We all got used to the fact that he wears his underpants over the leotard. But why do his underpants have a belt on them?” -Jay Leno
Does ‘Spiderman’ have a ‘website’?
Mathilda: Where do superheroes hold their annual convention?
Hilda: Cape Town.
- Vacuum Cleaner Sales & Repair Man: He not only sells you a vacuum cleaner, but he also fixes it if is ever broken.
- Shoe Collector Woman: Travels through the air in a flying shoe and throws shoes at criminals.
- Hysterical Parrot: Shows up and causes so much chaos and confusion that villains give up and flee the scene.
- Ironman: Saves people by removing the wrinkles from their clothes, as for example, just before their job interviews and weddings.
- The Historian: Has the power to become any person in history.
- The Caped Politician: Watches over polling places to make sure nobody cheats by voting more than once.
- The Cheapskate: A superhero who saves the world by showing people how to do everything for less money.
- The Element: A superhero who can become anything on the Periodic Table.
- The Angry Grenade: A superhero who explodes and then later reassembles.
- Can you think of others?
Superman climbed the Empire State Building to challenge King Kong to a fight. King Kong said, “I don’t have time - I’ve got to catch a plane!”
Some superheroes have sidekicks, or partners, and some superheroes have no sidekicks.
Thaddeus: Why did Batman go to the pet shop?
Tad: To buy a Robin.
Why do superheroes wear their underpants on the outside of their clothes? Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all wear elaborate costumes. The trio of superhero characters was created between 1935 and 1945. They were meant to be men and women of action, so their costumes were based on the men and women of action of the time. Superman’s costume was originally like that of a circus strongman. Wonder Woman’s was modeled on the costume of a trapeze artist. Their costumes were meant to be flashy and exciting and glamorous. Batman’s costume was based more on the black-and-white ‘film noir’ movies of the times, which were about dark avengers who skulked about in the shadows, scaring the wits out of criminals (Sounds like fun, right? Maybe you should consider a career in law enforcement.). Because Batman was meant to be a scary character, his costume made him look like a creepy creature from the shadows. Those costume styles stuck and became clichéd, particularly since the three characters had become instant hits of that time period. So, when new superheroes began to arrive, they also tended to have capes and tights just like circus-strongman Superman wears, or colorful trapeze outfits like Wonder Woman wears, or dark cloaks and scary masks like Batman wears. Because superhero creators are competitive, the result over time was that superhero costumes became more and more show-offish. And, what looks like underwear worn on the outside of their superhero costumes is actually tight shorts commonly worn by circus performers of the time, which gave them freedom of movement as they did their stunts to entertain audiences. What may look like belts holding up their ‘underpants’ are ‘utility belts’ which can hold any number of tools and devices the superheroes deploy in their crime-fighting adventures.
Heather: Where does Spiderman hang out?
Heath: On the worldwide web.
“Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!” -George Lother, making the program introduction for the “Superman” radio show (first broadcast on 12 February 1940)
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer ever teamed up, would they become ‘alloys’?
- What characteristics or traits do superheroes have in common with you?
- If you were a superhero, what would you choose as your alter-ego name?
- Which superhero would you like to have lunch with?
- If you were a superhero, what would your costume look like?
- Other than as entertainment, do superheroes serve any useful purpose?
- What people from history most resemble superheroes?
Mel: What was Batman’s ‘real’ name?
Nel: Bruce Wayne.
Overheard: If I could be any superhero, I would be Aluminum Man - my superpower would be ‘foiling’ crime . . .
Hope: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Faith: None; for some reason, they actually seem to prefer the dark.
Have you ever wanted to be a superhero? Why wait? There is a place in cyberspace for real life superheroes - people who don costumes and fight crime or just do good deeds. Go to www.worldsuperheroregistry.com. Hope to see you there!
Aaron: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?
Erin: He was the batboy.
Despite his name, ‘Spiderman’ does not eat bugs. He eats regular people food, just like the rest of us do.
Customer: Where does Superman shop for groceries?
Cashier: At the Supermarket!
The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder, also known as Batman and Robin.
We are saving humanity one joke at a time - will you please help us with your own superhero humor? You can use your superpowers to reach us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Remember, you do not need a cape or the ability to fly to go out into the world and MFOL! (Make Fun Of Life!)
If you continually give, you will continually have . . .
This I’ve learned with time -
What you give, you always get back;
What you sow, you reap in kind.
Always be helpful to others
And give what you can spare;
For by being kind to strangers,
We may help angels unaware.
“The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have.” -Leonard Nimoy (1931 - 2015)
“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.” -Clara Lucas Balfour (1808 - 1878): “Sunbeams for All Seasons: Counsels, Cautions, and Precepts” (1861)
A man there was, tho’ some did count him mad,
The more he cast away the more he had.
-John Bunyan: “Pilgrims Progress” (1678), Part Two, Section VII
In modern parlance, the above would be as follows.
A man there was, and they called him mad;
For the more he gave, the more he had.
-John Bunyan: “Pilgrims Progress” (1678), Part 2, Section 7
“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
The Art of Giving
We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the heart:
Love, kindness, joy, understanding, sympathy, tolerance, forgiveness.
We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the mind:
Ideas, dreams, purposes, ideals, principles, plans, inventions, projects, poetry.
We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the spirit:
Prayer, vision, beauty, aspiration, peace, faith.
We give of ourselves when we give the gift of words:
Encouragement, inspiration, guidance.
“Every charitable act is a stepping stone toward Heaven.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
“Givers get given to.” -Russell Simmons
Al’s wife devoted a lot of her time to nursing sick birds, and Al was tired of it. One evening, he came home to find an oil-soaked seagull in his favorite chair while a duck on the ottoman pecked listlessly at a piece of fruit. He strode into the kitchen, where his wife was comforting a shivering little wren. “I can’t take it!” he yelled. “Please, dear,” she interrupted, “not in front of the children.”
“Give help rather than advice.” -Luc de Vauvenargues (Luc de Clapiers, marquis de Vauvenargues (1715 - 1747))
“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” -John Andrew Holmes, Junior
“It’s not that successful people are givers; it is that givers are successful people.” -Patti Thor
“The giver receives more than the receiver gets.” -Author Unknown
“I wondered why somebody didn’t do something, and then I realized I am somebody.” -Lily Tomlin (born in 1939)
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” -Author Unknown
“He helps others most, who shows them how to help themselves.” -A. P. Gouthey (Aldolph Philip Gouthey (some sources show Adolph Philip Gouthey (1892 - 1963)))
Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948), the Indian statesman and spiritual leader, was noted for his humanity and selflessness. Gandhi was boarding a train one day, with several companions and followers, when his shoe fell from his foot and disappeared in the gap between the train and platform. Unable to retrieve it, he took off his other shoe and threw it down by the first. Responding to the puzzlement of his fellow travelers, Gandhi explained that a poor person who finds a single shoe is no better off - what is really helpful is for a poor person to find a pair of shoes.
“The hand that gives is the hand that gets.” [English translation]
“An làmb a bheir, ’s i a gheibh.” [original Scots Gaelic]
“Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful.” -Ric Ocasek
“When you find yourself in the position to help someone, be happy and feel blessed because God is answering that person’s prayer through you.” -Alberto P. Casing (similar quotation attributed to Becky Hernley Brown)
“What the poor need is not a hand-out, but a hand-up.” -Author Unknown
Riddle: Where is the best place to find a helping hand?
Answer: At the end of your own arm.
“The best helping hand that you will ever receive is the one at the end of your own arm.” -Fred Dehner
“Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it.” -John D. Rockefeller, Junior (John Davison Rockefeller, Junior): as quoted in “The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on The Business of Life” (1950)
“Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us daily.” -Sally Koch
“Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
“The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy of about six or seven years of age was standing out in front of a store window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags. A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing. They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, “Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday.” The little boy looked up at her and asked, “Are you God, Ma’am?” She smiled down at him and replied, “No son, I’m just one of His children.” The little boy said, “I knew you had to be some relation.”
“The first great gift we can bestow on others is a good example.” -Thomas Morell
“Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or pat on the back just might pull someone back from the edge.” -Carmelia Elliott
“The best gifts cost so little: the gift of your presence, your welcoming smile, a pleasant greeting, a handshake or embrace, a nod of acknowledgement, a moment in time, a listening ear, a simple joke, a hearty laugh.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
A big, strong man visited a church and asked to see the pastor’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable inclinations. “Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $2,400.” “How terrible!” exclaimed the pastor’s wife. “May I ask who you are?” The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Acts,’ chapter 20, verse 35
A policeman was taking an accident report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six-year-old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, “Are you a policeman?” “Yes, I am,” he said. “My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman - is that right?” the girl asked. “Yes, it is,” said the policeman. The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, “Okay, then, would you tie my shoe?”
Overheard: Sharing is caring!
“The whole worth of a kind deed lies in the love that inspires it.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
“There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)
“Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.” -Author Unknown
“A gift, with a kind countenance, is a double present.” -Author Unknown
“When you give someone a book, you don’t give him just paper, ink, and glue. You give him the possibility of a whole new life.” -Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)
“In helping others, we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us.” -Flora Edwards
“No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.” -Calvin Coolidge (John Calvin Coolidge (1872 - 1933))
“Don’t do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn’t do for themselves.” -Author Unknown
“One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but ends up impoverished.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Proverbs,’ chapter 11, verse 24
“Givers have to set limits, because takers rarely do.” -Author Unknown
“There is no use whatever trying to help people who do not help themselves. You cannot push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb himself.” -Andrew Carnegie (Andrew Carnegie (1835 - 1919))
“There are people in life, and there are many of them, whom you will have to help as long as they live. They will never be able to stand alone.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)
“You have to give before you get.” -Author Unknown
“The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch.” -Catherine Hall
“It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.” -Philip Gibbs
A minister soliciting for a worthy cause was turned down by a curt letter that ended, “As far as I can see, this Christian business is one continuous give, give, give.” The clergyman wrote back, “Thank you for the best definition of the Christian life I have ever heard.”
“A candle lights others and consumes itself.” -Author Unknown: proverb
“It is good to be helpful and kindly, but don’t give yourself to be melted into candle grease for the benefit of the tallow trade.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
“Keeping from falling, is better than helping up.” -Author Unknown
The Old Woman of Leeds
There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
She worked for the poor
Till her fingers were sore,
This pious old woman of Leeds!
“We are here on Earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” -W. H. Auden
“He that does good to another does good also to himself, not only in the consequence but in the very act. For the consciousness of well-doing is in itself ample reward.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Younger or simply Seneca (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
“Always help someone. You might be the only one who does so.” -Author Unknown
“Giving is the secret of a healthy life. Not necessarily money, but whatever a man has of encouragement and sympathy and understanding.” -John D. Rockefeller, Junior
“You cannot save everyone. Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much you try to help them.” -Bryant McGill
“It is in giving that we receive.” -Francis of Assisi (1181 - 1226): “The Prayer of Saint Francis”
Unless someone like you
cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.
-Doctor Seuss (pseudonym of Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991)): “The Lorax” (1971)
“Even a little gift may be vast with loving kindness.” -Theocritus
“You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” -Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994): “Too Sensitive” (1967)
Thank you for joining us today on ‘MFOL!’ . . . May the bluebird of happiness always be perched upon your windowsill . . .
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity . . . or is it the other way around . . . or maybe it’s the alligators and mosquitoes and swamp monsters . . . all of whom seem to be enjoying the weather and climate here!
“My favorite weather is bird-chirping weather.” -Loire Hartwould (pseudonym of Terri Guillemets): “April Morning on the Patio” (1988)
Five Little Weathermen
Five little weathermen sitting on a gate.
The first one said, “My, it’s getting late.”
The second one said, “There are storm clouds in the sky.”
The third one said, “Let’s run inside.”
The fourth one said, “Wait, the Sun is peeking out.”
The fifth one said, “That’s what weather’s all about.”
Ooh . . . went the wind, and up flew their kite,
And the five little weathermen chased it out of sight.
“Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.” -Anthony J. D’Angelo: “The College Blue Book” (1 November 1995)
“Antiphanes said merrily that in a certain city the cold was so intense that words were congealed as soon as spoken, but that after some time they thawed and became audible; so that the words spoken in winter were articulated next summer.” -Plutarch (C.E. 46 - C.E. 120): “Of Man’s Progress in Virtue”
“If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.” -Frank Lane
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” -Charles Dudley Warner (1829 - 1900): editorial in the “Hartford Courant” (24 August 1897) newspaper; a quotation often mistakenly attributed to Mark Twain
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing.” -Alfred Wainwright
“In my best social accent I addressed him. I said, ‘It is most extraordinary weather for this time of year!’ He replied, ’Ah, it isn’t this time of year at all.’” -Oliver Saint John Gogarty (1878 - 1957): “It Isn’t This Time of Year at All” (1954)
Rabbits and squirrels
Are furry and fat,
And all of the chickens
Have feathers, and that
Is why when it’s raining
They need not stay in
The way children do who have
Only their skin.
“What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817): in a letter (18 September 1796)
Jenny: Terrible weather, isn’t it?
Lenny: Better than no weather at all!
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.” -George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
An honest weather reporter might say, “Today’s forecast is bright and sunny with a fifty percent chance that I am wrong.”
Whether the weather is good,
Or whether the weather is not;
Whether the weather is cold,
Or whether the weather is hot;
We’ll weather the weather,
Whatever the weather -
Whether we like it or not!
“We must learn to see danger only in the storm clouds where it exists, and live our lives more fully in the clear skies between.” -Author Unknown
Possibly the last completely accurate weather forecast was when God told Noah that there was a one-hundred percent chance of precipitation.
Nature puts on little shows
Every time it rains or snows.
And now the seven-day forecast: Monday to be followed by Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, with Saturday and Sunday expected over the weekend.
Evening red and morning gray
Sets the traveler on his way;
Evening gray and morning red,
Brings down rain upon his head.
“We often hear of bad weather, but in reality, no weather is bad. It is all delightful, though in different ways. Some weather may be bad for farmers or crops, but for man all kinds are good.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913): “The Use of Life” (1894), Chapter IV: ‘Recreation’
“The weather is not bad here; it only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.” -Author Unknown
It hain’t no use to grumble and complane;
It’s jest as cheap and easy to rejoice, -
When God sorts out the weather and sends rain,
W’y, rain’s my choice.
-James Whitcomb Riley (1849 - 1916): “The Complete Works of James Whitcomb Riley” (1916), volume 4, page 948
“Don’t knock the weather; nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.” -Frank McKinney ‘Kin’ Hubbard (1868 - 1930): as attributed in “Changing Times” (May 1957) magazine
Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing,
Wind braces up, snow is exhilarating;
There is no such thing as bad weather,
Only different kinds of good weather.
-John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)
“In fair weather, prepare for foul.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 2,818
Allen: Hey, look - the barometer’s falling!
Ellen: Huh. It probably wasn’t nailed up properly.
“Despite the forecast, live like it’s spring.” -Lily Pulitzer
“A man goes out to get the newspaper, comes back inside the house, and says to his wife, ‘It’s raining cats and dogs outside.’ His wife says, ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Yes,’ he says, ‘I just stepped in a poodle.’” -Jack Benny (1894 - 1974): “The Jack Benny Show” radio show
Are there natural ways to predict the weather? Falling air pressure causes pain in birds’ ears, so they drop down and fly at lower altitudes. Low flying birds indicate a thunderstorm is coming. Pinecones can be used to forecast the weather. The scales will close when rain is on the way. Listen to the crickets. The number of times a cricket chirps in 15 seconds, plus 37, gives the current air temperature in degrees Fahrenheit.
Wayne’s expected later today, so bwing an umbwella!
Adam: How do weather reporters greet each other?
Adeline: With little heat waves.
If a rooster crows
When he goes to bed,
He’ll rise in the morning
With rain on his head.
Is global warming real? Here is the inconvenient truth: Global warming is occurring on Neptune’s moon Triton, as well as on Jupiter, Pluto, and Mars - and there are no humans on these worlds, so what makes some people believe that global warming or climate change on Earth is human-made? Nuttiness and fraudulent money-grabbing schemes makes them believe it, that is what. Global warming is caused principally by natural cyclic activity such as solar flares erupting from the Sun. We can no more control or affect climate than a bunch of ants scurrying around on the ground can change the direction of clouds floating across the sky. However, we should still be concerned about pollution and contaminants, both human-made and natural, in our air, water, soil, and consumer goods. And mosquitoes. Distracted drivers. Processed foods. Aging infrastructure. High taxes. Low-quality television programs. Power-mad super-rich politicians. Lenient judges. Noise pollution. General rudeness. Tooth decay.
“I don’t care what anybody says - we never had strange weather before people started using bows and arrows.” -Prehistoric Caveman
Rose: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Lilly: Pilgrims . . . June brides . . . allergies?
I Like It When It’s Mizzly
I like it when it’s mizzly
and just a little drizzly
so everything looks far away
and make-believe and frizzly.
I like it when it’s foggy
and sounding very froggy.
I even like it when it rains
on streets and weepy windowpanes
and catkins in the polar tree
-Aileen Fisher (Aileen Lucia Fisher (1906 - 2002))
“A misty morning does not signify a cloudy day.” -Author Unknown
And now for your extended forecast: Fffooorrrcccaaasssttt!
“The weather forecast is as follows: Funny skies and a chance of smiley faces, with giggle storms anticipated for later in the week.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
Weather and Climates Facts
- Weather describes the state of the atmosphere at any particular time.
- Scientists who study weather are called meteorologists.
- Weather can be described in terms of temperature; precipitation such as snow, rain, and hail; wind speed and direction; visibility and road conditions; and cloud or fog cover, at any given time.
- Trying to predict weather is called weather forecasting.
- People who are especially interested in weather forecasts include farmers, travelers, commuters, aircraft pilots, ship captains, astronauts, home owners, and students hoping for ‘snow days’ on which schools will be closed.
- Climate is the prevailing weather conditions present in geographic regions over time, typically a year or longer.
- Scientists who study climates are called climatologists.
- Climates can be described in terms of annual rainfall and snowfall amounts; average daily temperature and wind speed; and record low and high temperatures.
- People who are especially interested in climates include architects, wildlife biologists, manufacturers of heaters and air conditioners, and vacationers.
Willard: Why can meteorologists not forecast today’s weather?
Wilfred: Because they are too busy studying asteroids and meteors.
Humidity: Expecting air - but finding water.
If you encounter a heat wave, should you wave back?
Roger: What does not get any wetter no matter how much it rains?
Robert: An ocean.
Weather and Climates Quiz
- What are scientists who study weather called?
- What are scientists who study climates called?
- What is precipitation?
Judy: “What is the weather like out there?”
Rudy: “I will be able to tell you just as soon as it clears up.”
Weather and Climates Quiz Answers
- Scientists who study weather are called meteorologists.
- Scientists who study climates are called climatologists.
- Precipitation is water that falls from the sky, such as rain, snow, and hail.
“On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.” -Dan Spencer
“The human race likes to give itself airs. One good volcano can produce more greenhouse gases in a year than the human race has in its entire history.” -Ray Bradbury (Ray Douglas Bradbury (1920 - 2012))
Mortimer: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Timothy: I just went outside - and there it was!
What is the weather like in Tokyo? What is the weather like in Seattle? What is the weather like in Paris? What is the weather like in Sidney? To find out, visit the Weather Channel Website at www.weather.com. What is the weather like on Mars? That is a good question, and surprisingly, they can tell you.
I like to watch the way the wind
can spin a weather vane.
I like to wear my big blue boots
to splash with in the rain.
I like to ride my bright red sled
on cold snowy days.
I like to feel the Sun’s warm rays
when I wade in the ocean waves.
Wind, rain, snow, and Sun
Every kind of weather
is wonderful and fun!
“After a storm comes a calm.” -Matthew Henry
Jerry: What is the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Reggie: It is never partly sunny at night.
“On staring out at a gloomy day: First you must realize that it is the day that is gloomy, not you. If you want to be gloomy, too, that’s all right, but it’s not mandatory.” -Nora Gallagher
“Storms make the oak grow deeper roots.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
Ruth: What is the difference between climate and weather?
Arthur: Climate is what you expect, and weather is what you get.
Funny weather we are having . . . go ahead and joke about it . . . seriously. More ‘MFOL!’ follows below . . . unless you would rather go outside to see what the weather is like . . . which is fine with us . . .
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