The man on the left thinks ‘MFOL!’ is just too horrible to be allowed on the internet, while the wombat on the right thinks it is just fine and a little funny. Their opinions differ. What’s yours?
 Bumper sticker: Turn Signals Are Not Just For Smart People Anymore. License plate on a brown Land Rover: ARF ARF. Bumper sticker: If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. Bumper sticker: If You Lived In Your Car, You Would Be Home By Now. Bumper sticker: Relish Today . . . Ketchup Tomorrow! Bumper sticker: Be Alert - The World Needs More Lerts. Bumper sticker: To Err Is Human, To Moo Bovine. Bumper sticker: Don’t Wish For It - Work For It. Bumper sticker: Buckle Up - It Makes It Harder For The Aliens To Suck You Out Of Your Car. Bumper sticker: The Truth Is Out There. It’s Just Not Very Well Indexed. Bumper sticker: I Souport Publik Edekasi8n. Bumper sticker: When In Danger Or In Doubt, Run In Circles, Scream, And Shout. Bumper sticker: If You Think I’m A Lousy Driver, Wait Until You See Me Putt. Bumper sticker: Save The Earth - It’s The Only Planet With Chocolate! Bumper sticker: There Is No Shortcut To Anyplace Worth Going. Bumper sticker: Warning - This Vehicle Protected By Anti-Theft Sticker. Bumper sticker: I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol. Bumper sticker: Power To The People (seen on an electrician’s truck). Bumper sticker: Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy. Bumper sticker: If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker You Are Driving Too Close. Bumper sticker: So You’re A Feminist - Isn’t That Adorable? Bumper sticker: How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? Bumper sticker: You Have Enemies? Good - That Means You Stood Up For Something. Bumper sticker: Friends Don’t Let Friends Miss Out On Heaven. Bumper sticker: Be The Kind Of Friend You’d Want to Have. Bumper sticker: I’d Rather Be Fishing! Bumper sticker on a Lamborghini: My Other Car Is A Lamborghini, Too! Bumper sticker: I Owe, I Owe, So It’s Off To Work I Go! License plate: YRU FAT (seen on weight-loss guru Richard Simmons’ vehicle). Bumper sticker: My Other Vehicle Is A Romulan Warbird.  Bumper sticker: Honk If You Are A Bad Driver.
Bumper sticker: Eagles Don’t Flock. Bumper sticker: Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet. Bumper sticker: Caution - I Drive Like You Do! Bumper sticker: Caution - Blind Person Driving! (seen on a venetian blind installer’s vehicle). Bumper sticker: I Do Whatever My Breakfast Cereal Tells Me To Do. Bumper sticker: Just Say, “No,” To Negativity. Bumper sticker: All Generalizations Are False Including This One. Bumper sticker: I Love Animals - They Are Delicious! Bumper sticker: If Your Ship Hasn’t Come In . . . Swim Out To It! Bumper sticker: Be Nice To Americans, Or We’ll Bring Our Style Of Democracy To Your Country! Bumper sticker: I Don’t Repeat Gossip. Bumper sticker: Be Ye Fishers Of Men. You Catch Them - He Will Clean Them. Bumper sticker: I Have Animal Magnetism. Every Time I Go Outside, Squirrels Stick To My Clothes. Bumper sticker: Just Because You Are Paranoid Does Not Mean They Are Not Out To Get You. Bumper sticker: What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions? Bumper sticker: The Internet Is An Information Source Not A Lifestyle Choice. Bumper sticker: I Am Speeding Because I Have To Get Someplace Before I Forget Where I Was Going! Bumper sticker: People Who Anger You Control You. Have you read the bumper sticker that reads, “Ban All Bumper Stickers!”? Bumper sticker: Follow Your Dreams, Except The One Where You Are Being Chased By A Giant Duck While Riding Your Bicycle Through Pistachio Pudding. Bumper sticker: It Is Bad Luck To Be Superstitious. Bumper sticker: Honk If You Have No Control Over Your Impulses. Bumper sticker: Quantum Mechanics Is The Dreams Stuff Is Made Of. Bumper sticker: Humans Aren’t The Only Species On Earth, We Just Act Like It. Bumper sticker: As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools. License plate on the vehicle of a sewing machine dealership: SEWBIZ. Bumper sticker: Don’t Follow Me - I’m Lost, Too! Bumper sticker: It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better! Bumper sticker: Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying. Bumper sticker: Save The Whales! Trade Them For Valuable Prizes. Bumper sticker: What If The Hokey Pokey Really Is What It’s All About? Bumper sticker: Can You Hear Me Now!? What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a “Honk If You Love Jesus!” bumper sticker, and the car doesn’t move when the traffic light turns green? Bumper sticker: National Atheist’s Day Is April 1st. Bumper sticker: Men Are From Earth. Women Are From Earth. Deal With It. Bumper sticker: Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage. Bumper sticker: I Is A College Student. License plates in the Canadian Northwest Territories are shaped like polar bears. Bumper sticker: Forget World Peace And Visualize Using Your Turn Signal. License plate: HMMMM (seen on a choir director’s vehicle). Bumper sticker: My Other Car Has A Funny Bumper Sticker On It. Bumper sticker: Lottery - A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math. Bumper sticker: In The Absence Of Light, Darkness Prevails. Bumper sticker: I May Be Slow, But I’m Ahead Of You. Bumper sticker: Honk If Anything Falls Off. Bumper sticker: Driver Carries No Cash - He’s Married! Bumper sticker: If Life Gives You Peanuts, Make Peanut Butter. Bumper sticker: This Truck Has Been In Fifteen Accidents, And Hasn’t Lost One Yet! Bumper sticker: By The Time You Read This, You Will Have Already Read It. Bumper sticker: Question Everything. Bumper sticker: Taxation With Representation Isn’t So Wonderful, Either! 'MFOL!' . . . It all started when we woke up one morning and said, “Let’s do something different today.” More funtastic stuff follows below . . . for those who like to ‘Make Fun Of Life!’  What could be keeping the cat waiting patiently at a hole in a wall? “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.” -Steven Wright (born in 1955) “Beware the fury of a patient man.” -John Dryden (1631 - 1700): “Absalom and Achitophel” (1681), part 1, line 1005; type of work: satiric poem “Patience is the ability to count down without blasting off.” -Author Unknown “You’re trying to eat grass that isn’t there. Why don’t you give it a chance to grow?” -Richard Adams: “Watership Down” (November 1972) “I was not born to wait.” -Gwenda Bond: “Double Down” (1 May 2016) Pay-Off All things may come To those who wait, But when they do, They’re out of date. -George Hill “If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” -Author Unknown “Be patient with your impatience.” -Roy Masters “The secret of patience is to do something else in the meantime.” -Croft M. Pentz “What is done hastily is not done well.” -Author Unknown “Everything comes too late for those who only wait.” -Elmore Hubbard Overheard: Patience is something that can only be developed by waiting. “‘Patience is a virtue’ is always said by those who make others wait, and never by those who must wait.” -Author Unknown “The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” -Arnold H. Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998)) “Patience is powerful.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882) “How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?” -Paul Sweeney “All things come to those who wait - provided they work continually while waiting.” -Author Unknown “In putting off what one has to do, one runs the risk of never being able to do it.” -Charles Baudelaire (1821 - 1867) Once upon a time, there was a man who was very impatient with other people. To him, everyone seemed to be too slow to understand and too slow to do the right things. Also to him, people seemed too quick to come to the wrong conclusions and too quick to do the wrong things. The more the man had to deal with people, the more impatient he became with them, so he decided that he must get away from people until he could learn how to be patient. He built himself a little home deep in the woods, and far away from civilization, and lived as a hermit. Years later, a man was hiking through the woods, and met the impatient man. The hiker was amazed to find anyone living so deep in the woods and so far away from the rest of the world, so he asked the man why he was there all by himself. The man said that he was there to learn patience. The hiker asked how long he had been living all alone in the woods, and the man replied, “Thirty-one years.” Stunned, the hiker asked, “If there are no other people around you, how will you know when you have learned to be patient?” Annoyed by this lengthy conversation, the man replied, “Go away; I have no time for you.” “You will develop patience if you wait long enough.” -Author Unknown “Patience is also a form of action.” -Auguste Rodin (also known as François Auguste René Rodin or Auguste-René Rodin (1840 - 1917)) Macrophobia is a fear of long waits. Personally, we are afraid of short waits. “The dentist will see you now.” “Oh, no . . . couldn’t we wait just a little longer?” “Lateness is rudeness - always. There is no such thing as being ‘fashionably late.’ If you are running late, call to let your host know.” -Author Unknown “Good things come to those who wait - but better things come to those who work for it.” -Author Unknown ‘Hurry up and wait!’ could be the slogan of many individuals and organizations. Military people are familiar with this saying. People with government appointments may have heard this saying. People with medical appointments may suspect that this is what is going on. You make all kinds of advance preparations in order to be absolutely certain that you have everything ready that they require, and you make sure that you are not just on time, but at least a few minutes early - and what happens? You are made to wait for hours, because the people who insisted that you show up prepared and on time did not make the same efforts to be sure they were prepared and on time to meet you! It can be hard not to feel that these people do not respect you and that they are stealing your time away from you. “Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” -John Quincy Adams (1767 - 1848) “All things come to those who wait - provided they work continually while waiting.” -Author Unknown “Patience with others is love. Patience with self is hope. Patience with God is faith.” -Adel Bestavros “Men count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.” -Author Unknown: French proverb Overheard: Thank you for your patience. “If you have been waiting for someone or something for so long that you can actually feel yourself getting older while you wait, then you know that you have been waiting for far too long.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “Patience will come to him who waits for it.” -Author Unknown  “If the cat sits long enough at the hole, it will catch the mouse.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
“Patience is a key element of success.” -Bill Gates “It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today.” -Thomas Fuller “There is, however, a limit at which forbearance ceases to be a virtue.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): “Observations on a Late Publication on the Present State of the Nation” “There is nothing to be gained by waiting for a better situation. You see where you are and you do what you can with that.” -Jacob K. Javits “Patience is not simply the ability to wait. It’s how we behave while we’re waiting.” -Joyce Meyer “If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.” -Larry McMurtry (born in 1936): “Some Can Whistle” (1989) “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” [English translation] “La patience est amère, mais son fruit est doux.” [original French] -Jean Chardin (1643 - 1713): “Voyages en Perse et autres lieux de l’Orient” (1711), page 175 “Our patience will achieve more than our force.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): “Reflections on the Revolution in France” (1790) “Have patience with all things, but, first of all with yourself.” -Francis de Sales “Abused patience turns to fury.” -Thomas Fuller “When you are tempted to lose patience with someone, think how patient God has been with you all the time.” -Author Unknown “You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.” -Author Unknown “No great thing is created suddenly.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135) “Patience means self-suffering.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948)) “Waiting is one thing, but when people force us to wait for an exorbitant amount of time, they are actually taking a part of our lives away from us, because time is the measure of life.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “He that can have patience can have what he will.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): “Poor Richard’s Almanack” (June 1736) “Even the nicest person’s patience has a limit.” -Author Unknown “I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” -E. V. Lucas (Edward Verrall Lucas (1868 - 1938)): “365 Days and One More” (1926), ‘October 3’ “Patience is the art of hoping.” [English translation] “La patience est l’art d’espérer.” [original French] -Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues (1715 - 1747): “Réflexions” (1746), CCLI “Patience and tenacity of purpose are worth more than twice their weight of cleverness.” -T. H. Huxley (Thomas Henry Huxley (1825 - 1895)) “Patience, noun. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Cynic’s Word Book” (1906; retitled in 1911 as “The Devil’s Dictionary”) “Patience is the art of concealing your impatience.” -Guy Kawasaki “Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.” -David G. Allen “Regardless of how much patience we have, we would prefer never to use any of it.” -James T. O’Brien “If you wait until all the lights are ‘green’ before you leave home, you’ll never get started on your trip to the top.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012)) “A man who masters patience masters everything else.” -Author Unknown “When you are tempted to lose patience with God, remember how patient God has been with you.” -Author Unknown “Patience is a virtue. The Moon and the Sun learned long ago that, if each patiently waits its turn, they will both have their chance to shine.” -Author Unknown “Please be patient. God has not finished with me yet.” -Author Unknown “Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don’t give up.” -Author Unknown This is life’s dilemma and it is sure as fate Some things can’t be hurried and other things can’t wait. -Author Unknown Overheard: Good things take time. “Patience is the companion of wisdom.” -Augustine of Hippo (also known as Aurelius Augustinus Hipponensis and Aurelius Augustine (C.E. 354 - C.E. 430)) “Your capacity for patience will be rewarded eventually.” -Author Unknown “Patience is the ability to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without becoming angry or upset.” -Author Unknown “The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.” -Author Unknown “Impatience can cause wise people to do foolish things.” -Janette Oke “Impatience never commanded success.” -Edwin H. Chapin (Edwin Hubbell Chapin (1814 - 1880)) “I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.” -Author Unknown “People wait all week for Friday, all year for Summer, all of a lifetime for happiness.” -Author Unknown A little boy was standing patiently at the bottom of an escalator in a big department store. A saleswoman asked him, “Sonny, are you lost?” The boy answered, “No ma’am, I’m waiting for my chewing gum to come back.” Overheard: Be patient with people - nobody is perfect. “Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.” -Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970) We would be flattering ourselves if we said that this topic was certainly worth waiting for . . . more ‘Fun & Learning’ continues below . . . on MFOL!  A herd of wild horses could not pull us away from this much fun . . .
Horse: A kind of large dog that eats grass and can run like the wind. “Wherever man has left his footprint in the long ascent from barbarism to civilization, we will find the hoofprint of the horse beside it.” -John Moore What is the difference between a horse and a pony? The difference is largely in size. The heights of horses are measured from the bottom of the hoof to the highest point on the back of a horse, at the withers, which is roughly where a horse’s neck and back meet. In most of the world, horse heights are measured using the metric system; however, in the United States of America, Canada, and England, horse heights are measured in units called ‘hands.’ One hand is equal to 4 inches (10.16 centimeters). A horse is usually considered to be 14.2 (14 hands, 2 inches or 58 inches or 147.32 centimeters) or taller when mature. Any animal under 14.2 when mature is usually considered to be a pony. However, just as a matter of clarification, ponies are still horses; they are just of a smaller size, and so they are usually referred to as ponies rather than horses. Paul: What is ‘horse sense’? Paula: Just ‘stable thinking’! Horses have bigger eyes than any other land animals, other than ostriches - even elephants and humans fall far behind. Squids have the biggest eyes of any living creatures, but squids are marine, or water, animals. Because their eyes are on the sides of their heads, horses are capable of seeing almost 360 degrees, or in a nearly complete circle, all at once. What a view! Hanna: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe in the road? Barbara: Good luck - or else some poor horse is walking around in his socks. A horse can look forward with one eye and backwards with the other eye. We suggest that you do not try this yourself - you will only end up dizzy, discombobulated, and possibly feeling ever-so-slightly ill. “It’s much easier to ride a horse in the direction he is going.” -Author Unknown The large eyes and sensitive ears of horses allow them to detect predators early on, giving them ample opportunity to run swiftly away from them, and to put considerable distance between themselves and the predators, which are the animals that hunt and eat them. Grace: Why is your racehorse named Bad News? Greta: Because bad news travels fast! Horses can gallop at up to about 68 kilometers (42 miles) per hour in short bursts in order to escape from predators. Horses can gallop, which is a comfortably sustainable type of running for them over long distances, at about 44 kilometers (27 miles) per hour. The fastest recorded sprinting speed of a horse is 88 kilometers (55 miles) per hour. Jenny: Guess what - I went riding this afternoon. Jennifer: Horseback? Jenny: Sure is. He got back an hour before I did. Riddle: A man took his horse out for a ride every day. Two of the horse’s legs ran 5 miles but the other two ran 6 miles. How is that possible? Answer: The horse ran in circles. “I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that my art is not above the ordinary.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)) Horses sleep standing up, but if they feel safe, they will sleep lying down. Overheard: Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. “Heaven is high and Earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.” -Rudolf C. Binding Horses are closely related to both zebras and donkeys. William: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? Billy: A zebra. Stirrup: What you do to pancake batter. My horse’s feet are as swift as rolling thunder He carries me away from all my fears And when the world threatens to fall asunder His mane is there to wipe away my tears. -Bonnie Lewis A visitor to the farm was asking all kinds of questions about the animals he saw. “Why doesn’t that cow have horns?” he inquired of the farmer. “Well,” drawled the farmer, “cows don’t have horns for many reasons. Some of them are removed, some kinds of cows never grow them, and some get them when they mature. That particular cow doesn’t have horns,” he added, “because he’s a horse.” “In riding a horse we borrow freedom.” -Helen Thomson About to take his first horseback ride, the greenhorn was checking out the horses in the stable. The old wrangler asked whether he wanted an English saddle or a Western saddle. “What’s the difference?” asked the tenderfoot. “The English saddle is flat, while the Western has a horn on the front.” “Better give me the English saddle,” the fellow replied. “I don’t expect to be riding in traffic.” “It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped.” -Author Unknown Sarah Schubert had a horse named Sarah. He drove her to the big parade. And all the time the band was playing Schubert’s Sarah neighed. -Marge Roedig Rebecca: What do you call the horse that lives next door? Becky: Our neigh-bor! “The horse is the only animal into which one can hammer nails.” -Jules Renard (1864 - 1910) “You have probably heard the expression, ‘I am so hungry that I could eat a horse!’ But have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you were not that hungry after all?” -Author Unknown “Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.” -Pam Brown Horse Dreams I wonder if horses have dreams Of fresh grass and cold crystal streams, No shoes and clean air, A breeze through their hair, And freedom - they ought to, it seems. -Author Unknown “You know what they say . . . you can’t fall off a horse unless you were riding one to begin with. Now let’s all get out there and fall off some horses!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (1966) The Prince of Bombay There was a young prince of Bombay, Who always would have his own way; He pampered his horses On five or six courses, Himself eating nothing but hay. -Walter Parke “There are no handles to a horse, but the 1910 model has a string to each side of its face for turning its head when there is anything you want it to see.” -Stephen Leacock (Stephen Butler Leacock (1869 - 1944)): “Literary Lapses” (1910), ‘Reflections on Riding’ The horses paw and prance and neigh, Fillies and colts like kittens play, And dance and toss their rippled manes Shining and soft as silken skeins -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1809 - 1894): “The Complete Poetical Works of Oliver Wendell Holmes” (1852), ‘How the Old Horse Won the Bet’ “A dog may be man’s best friend, but the horse wrote history.” -Author Unknown A man was walking down a country road when he heard a voice coming from behind a tree, but all he could see was a horse. “Hello, remember me?” the voice said. “I won the Kentucky Derby Race two years ago.” “A talking horse!” the man exclaimed, and he rushed over to a nearby field where a farmer was working and asked, “What would you take for that horse?” “That horse is no good. You can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty dollars! I’ll give you two thousand dollars.” “Has that hay-bag been giving you that nonsense about winning the Kentucky Derby? Listen, I happen to know he came in last.” “No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965)) Benjamin: What has four legs and flies? Franklin: A horse in the summer time. “Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.” -Author Unknown Horses and Ponies Facts - An adult male horse or pony is called a stallion. - A young male horse or pony is called a colt. - An adult female horse or pony is called a mare. - A young female horse or pony is called a filly. - A male or female horse or pony that is less than one year of age is called a foal. - A group of horses or ponies is called a herd, a team (harnessed), a stable, a string (racing), a band, or a mob. - The sounds made by horses are called neighs, snorts, and whinnying, along with the hoof sounds called clips, clops, and clippity-clops. - Horses and ponies are herbivores, or animals that eat plants. - Domestic horses have a lifespan of about 20 to 35 years. Martin: Why was the pony sent to the principal’s office? Robin: He was horsing around too much. Ponies Facts - Ponies are small horses. - Ponies have thicker manes and tails than horses. - Ponies have proportionally shorter legs, thicker necks, and shorter heads than horses. - Pound for pound, ponies are stronger than horses. - Ponies are easy to look after and require half the food that horses of the same weight require. - Well-trained ponies are good for children while they are learning to ride, as ponies often have calmer and less excitable dispositions than horses, and are easier to saddle and climb onto. Horse Sense A horse can’t pull while kicking. This fact I merely mention. And he can’t kick while pulling Which is my chief contention. Let’s imitate the good old horse And lead a life that’s fitting; Just pull an honest load, and then There’ll be no time for kicking. -Author Unknown “Small children are convinced that ponies deserve to see the inside of the house.” -Maya Patel “He’s of the color of the nutmeg. And of the heat of the ginger . . . he is pure air and fire; and the dull elements of earth and water never appear in him, but only in patient stillness while his rider mounts him; he is indeed a horse, and all other jades you may call beasts.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Henry V” (written in about 1599) Did you know that horses are constantly stepping on frogs? The underside of a horse’s hoof is called a ‘frog.’ Frogs fall off a horse several times a year as new growth takes place. Otis: What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in the road? Quincy: Some poor horse is walking around in its socks! Somewhere . . . Somewhere in time’s own space There must be some sweet pastured place Where creeks sing on and tall trees grow Some Paradise where horses go, For by the love that guides my pen I know great horses live again. -Stanley Harrison There are an estimated 75,000,000 horses in the world. Some people think that’s not enough. “Horses lend us the wings we lack.” -Author Unknown Equinophobia, also known as hippophobia, is an irrational fear or dislike of horses. Sufferers of this condition experience undue anxiety even when a horse is known to be gentle and well-trained. They usually avoid horses entirely rather than risk the realization of their imagined fear of being kicked, bitten, or thrown. They may also fear other hoofed animals such as ponies, donkeys, and mules. ‘Equinophobia’ is derived from the Latin word ‘equus’ meaning ‘horse’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ An alternate name for equinophobia is ‘hippophobia,’ which is derived from the Greek word ‘hippos,’ meaning ‘horse’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ Remember, all fears and phobias can be quelled and conquered with the right attitudes and actions. “The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire.” -Sharon Ralls Lemon Denise: Why did the mare go to Hollywood? Dennis: She wanted to play ‘bit’ parts in the movies. “To ride a horse is to ride the sky.” -Author Unknown “A horse can lend its rider the speed and strength he or she lacks, but the rider who is wise remembers it is no more than a loan.” -Pam Brown Scientists believe that horses have evolved over the past 50 million years from much smaller creatures. Horses have been domesticated for more than 5,000 years. “To me, horses and freedom are synonymous.” -Veryl Goodnight Zack: What is the difference between a horse and a duck? Zachary: One goes quick and the other goes, “Quack!” “A horse is the projection of peoples’ dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence.” -Pam Brown Star: Why did one horse reach over another horse’s neck to get some hay? Violet: It had bad stable manners. “Many people have sighed for the ‘good old days’ and regretted the ‘passing of the horse,’ but today, when only those who like horses own them, it is a far better time for horses.” -C. W. Anderson Overheard: “Help - I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!” “Clydesdales are tall and majestic, and Shetland ponies are small but very strong; both contribute to making our world better in their own ways.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.” -Gerald Raferty It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle baker’s yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. “Feeling down? Saddle up.” -Author Unknown Horses vanished from both North America and South America in a wave of extinction that occurred about 15,000 years ago, at the end of the Pleistocene epoch. Horses also nearly became extinct in the rest of the world, and about 7,000 years ago, the only horses in the world lived in a small area in the still open grassland steppes of what is now the Ukraine and central Asia. Horses were not seen in the Americas again until 1494, when Italian explorer Christopher Columbus transported them over on ships from Spain during his second voyage to the new world. Katie: What goes, “Clip!”? Katherine: A one-legged horse. Now we hand the reigns over to you because it is your turn to do the horsing around. Please send your fun or facts about ‘Horses and Ponies’ to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.  Please do not blow your top, because we do not have the tools or the knowledge that would be needed to put you back together again . . .
“Letting off steam always produces more heat than light.” -Neal A. Maxwell (Neal Ash Maxwell (1926 - 2004)): “Murmur Not” in “Ensign” (November 1989) magazine, page 84 Riddle: What is round and has a bad temper? Solution: A vicious circle. “Every time you give someone a piece of your mind, you make your head a little emptier.” -Author Unknown “Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” -Eckhart Tolle “People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935)) “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.” -Chérie Carter-Scott (born in 1939) www.drcherie.com “The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” -Bede Jarrett “The best remedy for anger is delay.” -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65)): “De ira” (“On Anger”) “We can’t let the anger overshadow the good things in life.” -Author Unknown Angrophobia is a persistent fear of anger or of becoming angry. Many folks look ridiculous and do regrettable actions or speak in haste when angry, so perhaps the phobia stems in part from a fear of doing permanent damage to image and reputation. “The broad general rule is that a person is no bigger than the things that make him or her angry.” -Author Unknown Hangry (han-gree), adjective: A state of anger caused by lack of food; hunger causing a negative change in emotional state. “You can’t stay mad at someone who makes you laugh.” -Jay Leno (born in 1950) “Sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.” -Author Unknown “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” -Author Unknown: Chinese proverb “Anger seems to be all the rage now with some people.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.” -Lemony Snicket (pseudonym of Daniel Handler (born in 1970)) ________________________________________________________ A Bag of Nails Once upon a time, there lived a little boy, and he had a very bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the wooden fence that surrounded their home. The first day, the boy hammered an entire handful of nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails he hammered into the fence each day became fewer in number. He had discovered that it was easier for him to hold his temper than it was to drive nails into the fence. Finally, the day came when the boy did not lose his temper at all. He told his father about this, and his father suggested that the boy then pull out one nail for each day that he had been able to control his temper. The days passed, and at last, the young boy could finally tell his father that all the nails he had hammered into the fence had been removed. The father led his son to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at all the holes in the fence. The nails are gone, but the fence itself will never be the same.” The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said, “I hope I can be forgiven for all the damage my anger has done to people.” -Author Unknown ________________________________________________________ “Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.” -Robert G. Ingersoll (Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899)) “A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.” -Bruce Lee (1940 - 1973) “Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.” -Evan Esar (1899 - 1995) “I understand the fury in your words, but not the words.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Othello” (about 1603) “There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust.” -Francis de Sales (1567 - 1622): “Introduction to the Devout Life” (1609) “When you are angry say nothing and do nothing until you have recited the alphabet.” -Athenodorus Cananites “Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826) “Just try to be angry with someone who fed you something delicious.” -Carmen Cook “Most people usually do not assume responsibility for their anger. Instead, what we typically hear is, “You made me angry.” “They made me upset,” etc. I trust it is evident that these types of statements are not true. No one else can ‘make’ you angry. We have to make ourselves angry. What others say and do is, yes, a part of the equation, but without our contribution to the equation, anger cannot arise nor exist. This can be a very threatening conception of anger, and yet it is also very freeing, for as long as we do determine our own emotional responses, we are free to change and to control them. If other people or events were, in fact, responsible for our emotional responses, then we would not have the freedom nor ability to change them - unless we could control other people and events, which is much more challenging and usually impossible. Thus, principle one in the case against anger is, we are ultimately responsible for our own anger.” -Burton C. Kelly: “Let All . . . Anger . . . Be Put Away from You . . . or the Case Against Anger” as published in the “AMCAP Journal” (February 1979), pages 6 through 13 “Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887) “Anger is a bad adviser.” -Author Unknown: French proverb “Anger and worry are caused by phantoms that we create within ourselves and whose only strength is that with which we endow them.” -Horace Fletcher: “Menticulture” (1895) “When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826) “He who can suppress a moment’s anger may prevent a day of sorrow.” -Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894) “No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” -George Jean Nathan (1882 - 1958) Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure, often resulting from a perceived injustice or unfairness. While anger is often momentary, rage is usually thought of as being a period of sustained anger. “Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887) “Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten out a pile of papers.” -Susan Mancotte “Anger begins with folly, and ends with repentance.” -Pythagoras (about 570 B.C.E. - about 495 B.C.E.): as quoted in “The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction” (6 January 1844), volume V, number 1 “An angry man is again angry with himself when he returns to reason.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.) “Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.” -Author Unknown “Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.” -Queen Elizabeth I of England, as quoted in Francis Bacon: “Certain Apophthegms of Lord Bacon” (1625), number IV “When anger rises, think of the consequences.” -Confucius (551 B.C.E. - 479 B.C.E.) ________________________________________________________ Temper When I have lost my temper I have lost my reason, too. I’m never proud of anything which angrily I do. When I have talked in anger and my cheeks were flaming red, I have always uttered something which I wish I hadn’t said. In anger I have never done a kindly deed or wise, But many things for which I felt I should apologize. In looking back across my life, and all I’ve lost or made, I can’t recall a single time when fury ever paid. So I struggle to be patient, for I’ve reached a wiser age; I do not want to do a thing or speak a word in rage. I have learned by sad experience that when my temper flies, I never do a worthy thing, a decent deed or wise. -Author Unknown ________________________________________________________ “Anger is never without an argument, but seldom with a good one.” -George Savile (1633 - 1695): “Political, Moral, and Miscellaneous Thoughts and Reflections” (1750), ‘Of Anger’ “When a wise man is angry, he is no longer wise.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud” “We are all crazy when we are angry.” -Philemon (about 300 B.C.E.) “If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986)) “I always tumble into trouble when I lose my temper.” -Jane Louise Curry: “Robin Hood and His Merry Men” (1994) “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790) “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” -Author Unknown: “Incredible Hulk” television series based on a comic book, episode 1 (10 March 1978), line spoken by character David Banner (portrayed by actor Bill Bixby) “There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it’s with themselves.” -Author Unknown “Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.” -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)) “He who angers you conquers you.” -Elizabeth Kenny (1880 - 1952) “You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing that makes him mad.” -Adlai Stevenson (Adlai E. Stevenson (1900 - 1965)) “There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’” -Author Unknown “The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.” -Author Unknown (variously attributed to Joseph Joubert or Jacqueline Schiff) “Anger is the only thing to put off till tomorrow.” -Author Unknown: Slovakian proverb “Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.” -Lyman Abbott “Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.” -Chuck Norris (Carlos Ray ‘Chuck’ Norris (born in 1940)) “Angry people are not always wise.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817) “We all boil at different degrees.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) “Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880)) “Anger is not only inevitable, it is necessary. Its absence means indifference, the most disastrous of all human failings.” -Arthur Ponsonby “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)) “Explain your anger instead of expressing it, and you will find solutions instead of arguments.” -Author Unknown “Anger manages everything badly.” -Statius “Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it . . . don’t allow his anger to become your anger.” -Author Unknown “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180)) “You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.” -Author Unknown “Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.) “The prudent man does not let his temper boil over lest he get into hot water.” -Author Unknown “Anger is one letter away from danger.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)) “Never do anything when you are in a temper, for you will do everything wrong.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658) “Nobody ‘makes’ you angry. You ‘decide’ to use anger as a response.” -Author Unknown “My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down, and go about business as usual.” -Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . here to remind the world that people cannot stay mad when they are laughing . . . cognitive dissonance or some such thing . . . who knows . . .  Having emerged from the cocoon, the rare apple butterfly is ready to try out its wings. Jack: How do you make an apple turnover? Jill: Roll it down a hill, silly. Apples Facts - Apple trees produce apples after the trees are four or five years old. - Most apple blossoms (flowers) are pink when they open but gradually fade to white. - Apple trees typically blossom in the spring, with the fruit maturing in the autumn. - Apples are picked by hand when it is time to gather, or harvest, them. - Apples are eaten raw and are used to make juice, cider, vinegar, apple sauce, dried apple slices, and many kinds of desserts. - Apple trees can live for more than one hundred years. Brenda: What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet? Melinda: A tooty-fruity! According to school tradition, for a period of more than 100 years in the 18th and 19th centuries, the prestigious Yale University (at the time a college) served its students the same supper every night: apple pie. Apples come in a variety of colors from lime green to golden yellow to burgundy and chocolate brown. Jimmy: What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? Jeremy: An outboard apple. (Or an apple on a golf course.) Apple varieties range in size from a little larger than a cherry to as big as a grapefruit. The largest apple ever picked weighed 1.417 kilograms (3 pounds and 2 ounces). The energy from about fifty apple tree leaves is needed to produce one apple. The apples harvested from an average tree can fill 20 bushel-size boxes that weigh 42 pounds each. A bushel of apples will yield 20 to 24 quarts of applesauce. About 36 apples make a gallon of apple cider. Two pounds of apples go into one 9-inch apple pie. Apple: A nutritious lunchtime dessert that children will trade for factory-made cupcakes that some people say are a cause of obesity, diabetes, tooth decay, and nutritional deficiencies. Apple trees can grow to be over 40 feet tall, so orchard owners must buy or rent equipment that can reach those heights at harvest-time. To avoid the cost and complications that come with the equipment, apple orchard owners are starting to grow dwarf apple trees. Their shorter heights make it easier to prune the branches and harvest the apples. The moral of the story is that taller is not always better - often shorter is. The world’s longest continuous length of apple peel was created by the then 16 years of age Kathy Wafler Madison on 16 October 1976 in Rochester, New York, United States of America. It was 52.5272 meters (172 feet and 4 inches) long. She grew up to become a sales manager for an apple tree nursery. Daniel: If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in an orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs to do the same thing? Samuel: None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.  Everybody likes apples! Animals that eat apples include horses, monkeys, squirrels, chimpanzees, bears, raccoons, rabbits, and possibly you. What are apple peels good for? The peels are a source of substances called ‘antioxidants.’ Antioxidants can help reduce the type of damage to cells that triggers some diseases. An average person’s daily requirement for fiber is 25 grams, and one apple has about five grams of fiber, two-thirds of which is found in the peel. Apples are a good source of the soluble fiber called pectin, which can help lower cholesterol levels. Martin: When is an apple a grouch? Marvin: When it is a crab apple. An Apple a Day An apple a day Sends the doctor away. Apple in the morning, Doctors take warning. Roast apple at night, Starves the doctor outright. Eat an apple going to bed, Knock a doctor on the head. An apple each day, seven days a week, Rosy apple, rosy cheek. -Author Unknown Peach: When is an apple not an apple? Plum: When it’s a pineapple! An irrational fear of apples is called malusdomesticaphobia. Malusdomesticaphobia is derived from the scientific name for apples, which is ‘Malus domestica’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ The apples are coming to get you! Sorry, we didn’t mean to frighten you. One way to lessen fear is to learn something about what you are fearful of - what would you like to know about apples? It is also possible for a fear of apples to originate with something a person associates with apples. For example, maybe a person was bullied as a child by someone who habitually ate apples, or maybe a person was brought up in extreme poverty, neglect, and abuse, with apples being one of the few available foods, and the person fears returning to live again that part of his or her past. Lucinda: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Lucille: It keeps everyone away! The apple is known as the supposed forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden. But contrary to common belief, there is no mention of the apple as the forbidden fruit in “The Bible.” The forbidden fruit mentioned in “The Bible” is referred to as the “fruit from the Tree of Knowledge,” with no specification as to which kind of fruit. It was Hugo Van Der Goes who first implicated the apple as the forbidden fruit in C.E. 1470 in his painting, “The Fall of Man.” After that, it became popular to depict the apple as the forbidden fruit. So, the apple is not the fruit that got Adam and Eve into trouble with God. You can safely eat apples without worrying that you are committing a transgression. Bertha: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Bert: Finding only half a worm. The ‘Adam’s apple’ is so-called because of a popular idea that it was created when the forbidden fruit got stuck in Adam’s throat when he swallowed it, causing a visible lump in the throat. Sweet, flavorful, crunchy, colorful apples are a great alternative to candy, chips, soda pop, and other processed, chemically-laden junk foods and junk beverages. An apple will provide you with energy, fill you up, and quench your thirst. Apples contain high levels of boron, which stimulates electrical activity in the brain, increasing mental alertness and improving memory. Apples may not be rich in calcium, but their high level of boron makes them a great food to prevent osteoporosis and strengthen bones. Apples are fat-free, sodium-free, and cholesterol-free. A medium-size apple contains about 80 calories. “Good apple pies are a considerable part of our domestic happiness.” -Jane Austen Apples have five seed pockets, or carpels. Each pocket contains seeds. The number of seeds per carpel is determined by the vigor and health of the plant. Additionally, different varieties of apples can have different numbers of seeds. An average apple contains 10 seeds. Apples contain malic acid, a chemical used in some teeth whitening products, which helps dissolve stains. For more information about this, be sure to ask your dentist on your next visit to his or her office. A man traveling through the country stopped at a roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he commented that they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup.” The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.” “That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?” Inside every apple is a five-pointed star. If you want to see the star, have a responsible grownup cut an apple in half through its girth. The saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” is derived from an old Welsh adage, “To eat an apple before going to bed, will make the doctor beg his bread.” While eating apples does not guarantee good health, they do have amazing nutritional value and recognized health benefits.  Where’d you get ‘them’ apples? How about ‘them’ apples?
“Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.” -Bernard M. Baruch Commercial grade wax is applied to some apples after they are harvested and cleaned, in an effort to keep out bacteria and slow the ripening process. It also makes them shinier. The waxes are made of natural ingredients. “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” -Martin Luther Let’s consider liquefied apples. The difference between apple juice and apple cider is that apple juice is squeezed from only the usually white flesh of the fruit, while apple cider is squeezed from the whole apple - skin, seeds, stem, and all - which gives it a fuller body and deeper color. Additionally, apple juice is pasteurized (flash heated to reduce the level of active naturally occurring microorganisms) and apple cider is generally not. Freshly pressed apple juice will immediately turn brown upon contact with air because of oxidation; however, a way to prevent this from happening is to add a few drops of lemon juice or lime juice, which helps prevent oxidation. One other liquid made from apples is apple cider vinegar, which is derived from the fermentation (controlled spoilage) of apple mush. Apple cider vinegar is a brownish yellow color. Granny Smith apples were originally cultivated in 1868 by Maria Ann Smith of Eastwood, New South Wales, Australia. Apples for Sale! Apples tend to have names chosen in hopes of making them commercially successful, just as other products have brand names. The ‘Delicious’ variety of apples originally was called ‘Hawkeyes.’ Without doubt the name change makes them more appealing. There are thousands more varieties of apples with great names, including Gala, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith. Even the saying that ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’ might be just a clever way to promote apple-awareness without spending an arm and a leg on advertising. “Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed.” -Robert H. Schuller Archeologists have found evidence that humans have been enjoying apples since at least 6500 B.C.E. Apple trees are thought to have originated in Central Asia between the Caspian Sea and the Black Sea, in the area of present-day Kazakhstan. The only apple variety native to North America is the crabapple. Other varieties of apples were brought to North America by European settlers, who planted orchards all across the continent. The first apple tree in the United States of America was planted in 1620 by pilgrims who traveled from Europe by sea to what was then the Massachusetts Bay Colony. In time, the early settlers would discover that hardy varieties of apples could be successfully grown farther north than most other fruits because apple trees blossom late in the spring, minimizing any frost damage. “Surely the apple is the noblest of fruits.” -Henry David Thoreau: “Wild Apples” A city slicker was driving through the country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner how much his apples were. “All you can pick for one dollar,” said the orchard’s owner. “All right,” said the city slicker. “I’ll take two dollars’ worth.” Johnny Appleseed was the nickname of John Chapman, an American pioneer who planted apple seeds in Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Crab apples are small green apples with origins in North America. They are often just a little bigger than a cherry. They are not as popular for eating right off the tree as other varieties of apples are, because crab apples are bitter and tart in flavor and possess hardly any sweetness. However, they still grow wild in many areas, meaning they are often free for the taking. Crab apples can be used to make crab apple jelly for spreading on toast and that can be used in fancy cuisines similar to the way mint jelly is used. The word ‘apple’ is derived from the Old English word ‘aeppel.’ The Celtic word for ‘apple’ is the similar sounding ‘abhall.’ More than 7,500 varieties of apples are grown worldwide. The top apple-producing countries are China, the United States, Turkey, Poland, and Italy. The largest importers of apples are Russia, Germany, and the United Kingdom. Apples are available year-around in most areas thanks to bulk transport and climate-controlled warehouses. Apples can be shipped from orchards by truck, train, and cargo ship to warehouses where they are stored at low temperatures for as long as a year, and then the temperature is raised to cause them to ripen shortly before selling them to buyers. A large shiny red apple is a traditional gift a student might bring to a teacher - and the student doesn’t have to wait for Teacher Appreciation Day to do so. About 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States, including 100 varieties that are grown commercially. Apples are grown in all 50 states and commercially in 36 states. The top apple producing states are Washington, New York, Michigan, Pennsylvania, California, and Virginia. Red Delicious is the most popular and most-produced apple in the United States, and Golden Delicious is the second most popular, with Granny Smith coming in third. The apple is the state fruit of Illinois, Minnesota, New York, Vermont, Washington, and West Virginia. Some people claim that apples have a rosy aroma because they come from the Rose family, known as ‘Rosaceae’ or ‘Rosacea.’ Apples Quiz - How are apples harvested, or gathered? - What are five uses for apples? - Can you name two animals that eat apples? Bobbing for apples at parties is possible because fresh apples are twenty-five percent air, making them buoyant. Buoyant means they float in water. It is said that the custom of ‘apple polishing’ hails from the little red schoolhouses of yore, when young children whose math skills were less than exemplary sought to win their teacher’s favor instead with a bright, shiny apple. Remember this ditty: An apple for the teacher will always do the trick when you don’t know your lesson in arithmetic. Apples Quiz Answers - Apples are harvested by hand-picking them off the trees. - Uses for apples include making cider, juice, vinegar, pies, and snacks. - Two animals that eat apples are horses and rabbits (and many other animals as well). There are so many apple varieties that if you were to eat an apple a day, it would take you more than 27 years to try them all - and still more new varieties of apples are produced every year. Crunch, crunch - mmm! Now that’s a good apple. Before you join the stampede of people going out to get apples, do you have any apple jokes or apple wisdom to impart? We’re at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.  The long arm of the law . . . patrolling, watching, pursuing . . . ever vigilant.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.” Officer of the Law: You broke into the same shoe store three nights in a row - why? Goldie Locks: Well, the first pair was too big, and the second pair was too tight, but the third pair fit just right! Item: A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling ‘help’ from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named ‘Help.’ Bomb Squad’s Motto: “If you see us running, you had better catch up!” While driving on a highway, a man strummed a guitar he held in his lap. A policeman pulled him over, got out of the police car, and walked over to the driver. “Do you know you’re a menace to the safety of hundreds of people?” the lawman asked. “No,” the driver replied. “How does it go?” “Prisoner, God has given you good abilities, instead of which you go about the country stealing ducks.” -William Arabin Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hans. Hans, who? Hans up, you’re under arrest! A man walked into a sheriff’s office and said, “I want to become a deputy!” “Good, I want to you to catch this man” said the sheriff, and handed the man a wanted poster. The poster read, “Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.” “What’s he wanted for?” asked the hopeful young man. “Rustling,” replied the lawman. Police helicopter: The whirlybird that catches the worm. “What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. “Keep it,” the clerk advised him. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.” “Abscond, v.i. To ‘move in a mysterious way,’ commonly with the property of another.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Cynic’s Word Book” (1906; retitled in 1911 as “The Devil’s Dictionary”) A little boy rushed by a policeman. Five minutes later he dashed by again. After he had raced by several times, the policeman stopped him. “What’s the idea, Sonny?” asked the policeman. “Where are you going?” The boy looked up and said, “I’m running away from home.” “If you are running away from home, how come you’ve gone around the block so many times?” “It’s the best I can do,” the little boy said as he sped off again. “My mother won’t let me cross the street.” Maybe there would be less crime on the streets if there was actually something to watch on television? Not Doing Any Harm I was standing on the corner, Not doing any harm. Along came a policeman And took me by the arm. He took me round the corner, And he rang a little bell. Along came a police car And took me to my cell. I woke up in the morning And looked up on the wall. The cooties and the bedbugs Were having a game of ball. The score was six to nothing. The bedbugs were ahead. The cooties hit a home run And knocked me out of bed. -Author Unknown Abraham: Why was the belt sent to jail? Benjamin: For holding up a pair of pants! Children in Halloween Costumes Foil Robbery! In an unprecedented display of quick thinking, local second graders Terrance McKinley and Jason Lawrence stopped an armed robbery last Saturday, October 31st. The young boys, who wore police officer costumes for Halloween, went trick-or-treating with Mrs. McKinley at the Z & Z corner market. When they entered the store, they saw a masked man at the counter, and brandished their firearms. Terrance screamed, “Halt, in the name of the law!” The offender dropped his gun and put his hands in the air long enough for the cashier in attendance to restrain the criminal. When interviewed, Terrance said, “I thought we were playing cops and robbers.” Police were called to a day care center today, where they encountered a three-year-old who was resisting a rest. Brad: Did you hear about the thief who got arrested for stealing a pig? Darby: Yes, they caught him when the pig squealed. A woman was driving on the freeway, and knitting at the same time. A police officer noticed this, drove up alongside her, and shouted, “Pull over!” “No,” she yelled back. “It’s a scarf!” Chloe: What happened to the man who ran away with the circus? Joey: The police eventually caught up with him and made him give it back. Jules: What is half man and half metal, sleeps on park benches by day, and fights crime by night? Vern: Hobo-Cop. Two police officers were overheard talking on two-way radios. Officer One: Okay, I’m at the crime scene. This place is buzzing with flies. Officer Two: Understood. I’ll request that they send in the S.W.A.T. officers. Lucinda: What’s yellow, plastic, and holds up banks? Cindy: A robber ducky! The Four Basic Food Groups for Police Officers 1. Glazed. 2. Jelly. 3. Powdered. 4. Chocolate Frosted. “There’s no more crime in New York - there’s nothing left to steal.” -Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) In one small rural town, the sheriff also worked as the town’s animal vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?” “Well, do you need him as the sheriff or as the vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.” Police One-Liners: - “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” - “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” - “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” - “You can’t outrun a radio.” - “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.” - “Your life is not my fault.” - “I’d rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don’t have.” - “If it’s worth stopping, it’s worth writing up.” - “The answer to this question will determine whether you are fit to drive or not: Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” - “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step on chewing gum.” - “Law enforcement is not a spectator sport.” - “I’m glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.” - “We don’t hire cops in this department; we hire common sense and make cops from it.” Police dog: Canine officer. The police recently arrested a man for selling medicine containing a ‘secret formula,’ which he claimed gave people eternal youth. While going through their files, they noticed it was the fifth time he had been caught for committing the same type of medical fraud. He had previously been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983. Call the Please The Police Department Changed their garments And became the Please Department. And instead of clubs and cuffs, Saying, “Please,” was quite enough. “Please stop breaking down that door.” “Please stop robbing that jewelry store.” “Please stop smashing that computer.” “Please stop stealing that motor scooter.” “Please stop shooting off that gun.” “Please stop forging checks for fun.” “Please stop ripping off those tires.” “Please stop setting things on fire.” And if they needed more persuasion, They took ’em down to the Please Station Where the friendly Chief of Please Said, “Please, please, please,” On bended knees, And they stopped all crime with ease, By politely saying, “Please.” So the next time that you’re feeling’ blue, ’Cause someone points a gun at you, While they’re robbin’ your apartment Just call your friendly Please Department. -Shel Silverstein (Sheldon Allan ‘Shel’ Silverstein (1930 - 1999)): “Every Thing on It” (20 September 2011), page 133 ‘Compulsive confessors’ are people who turn themselves in to law enforcement for all kinds of crimes which they have not committed. They are the equivalent to law enforcement officers of hypochondriacs to doctors. If you are ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a low tunnel, onto a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They are trained for that. Percival: Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? Perry: Yes, he got twelve months. Officer, how could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I have only been driving for 10 minutes? ________________________________________________________ What Is a Cop? Cops are human (believe it or not) just like the rest of us. They come in both sexes but mostly male. They also come in various sizes. This sometimes depends on whether you are looking for one or trying to hide something. However, they are mostly big. Cops are found everywhere-on land, on the sea, in the air, on horses, in cars, sometimes in your hair. In spite of the fact that “you can’t find one when you want one,” they are usually there when it counts most. The best way to get one is to pick up the phone. Cops deliver lectures, babies, and bad news. They are required to have the wisdom of Solomon, the disposition of a lamb and muscles of steel and are often accused of having a heart to match. He’s the one who rings the door-bell, swallows hard and announces the passing of a loved one; then spends the rest of the day wondering why he ever took such a “crummy” job. On TV, a cop is an oaf who couldn’t find a bull fiddle in a telephone booth. In real life he’s expected to find a little blond boy “about so high” in a crowd of a half million people. In fiction, he gets help from private eyes, reporters, and who-dun-it fans. In real life, mostly all he gets from the public is “I didn’t see nuttin’.” When he serves a summons, he’s a monster. If he lets you go, he’s a doll. To little kids, he’s either a friend or a bogeyman, depending on how the parents feel about it. He works “around the clock”, split shifts, Sundays and holidays, and it always kills him when a joker says. “Hey tomorrow is Election Day, I’m off, let’s go fishing” ( that’s the day he works 20 hours). A cop is like the little girl, who, when she was good, was very, very good, but, when she was bad, was horrid. When a cop is good, “he’s getting paid for it.” When he makes a mistake, “he’s a grafter, and that goes for the rest of them too.” When he shoots a stick-up man, he’s a hero, except when the stick-up man is “only a kid, anybody coulda seen that.” Lots of them have homes, some of them covered with ivy, but most of them covered with mortgages. If he drives a big car, he’s a chiseler; a little car, “who’s he kidding?” His credit is good; this is very helpful, because his salary isn’t. Cops raise lots of kids; most of them belong to other people. A cop sees more misery, bloodshed, trouble, and sunrises than the average person. Like the postman, cops must also be out in all kinds of weather. His uniform changes with the climate, but his outlook on life remains about the same: mostly a blank, but hoping for a better world. Cops like days off, vacations, and coffee. They don’t like auto horns, family fights, and anonymous letter writers. They have unions, but they can’t strike. They must be impartial, courteous, and always remember the slogan “At your service.” This is sometimes hard, especially when a character reminds him, “I’m a taxpayer, I pay your salary.” Cops get medals for saving lives, stopping runaway horses, and shooting it out with the bandits (once in a while his widow gets the medal). But sometimes, the most rewarding moment comes when, after some small kindness to an older person, he feels the warm hand clasp, looks into grateful eyes and hears, “Thank you and God bless you, son.” -Conrad S. Jensen (Conrad Sigurd Jensen (1911 - 2000)) ________________________________________________________ Angela: Why did the cop run out on the field and arrest the baseball player? Angus: The baseball player stole second base. The enduring stereotype of the police officer with a donut emerged in the 1940’s and 1950’s, when the only places open during the night shift were donut shops. Donut shops were typically open late at night or very early in the morning as they prepared fresh donuts for the morning rush. Criminals: People who think they have got what it takes to take what you have got. “A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered, ‘Kindergarten!’” -Author Unknown The term ‘cop’ may possibly have originated as an acronym for ‘Constable on Patrol,’ an expression used in England. Tongue twister: The chief of police holds the top cop spot. “The police are not here to create disorder. They’re here to preserve disorder.” -former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention An arrest warrant has been issued for the invisible man. It seems he is wanted for ‘failing to appear’ on previous charges. Oscar: How can you tell traffic cops are happy? Eric: They whistle while they work. Riddle: A man leaves home and goes to the corner and turns left. He walks to the next corner and turns left, and then makes another left. On his way home, he is confronted by two masked men. Who are the two masked men? Solution: A catcher and an umpire! A simpleton was traveling cross-country when a state policewoman pulled him over. “You got any i.d.?” the officer asked. “’Bout what?” the simpleton asked. Due to prevention, intervention, invention, and other types of vention, the rate of crime is way down, but it is still a worrisome problem. Do you know any law enforcement fun facts or jokes? Please contact us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Thanks, your law-abiding friends at ‘MFOL!’  Origami, the art and craft of paper folding, is one way to have fun with your money . . . can you think of others? “I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason (Yacov Moshe Moaza (born in 1931)) Recession: A period of time when we have to do without things our grandparents never even heard of. “I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” -Joe Louis (Joseph Louis Barrow (1914 - 1981)): as attributed in Connie Robertson: “Book of Humorous Quotations” (1998), page 122 Throughout history, people have used cocoa beans, elephants, grain, animal hides, fishhooks, and tea as money. Before standardized money was invented, people bartered. We have 4 nanny goats and 2 jars of pickles - would anyone like to trade us 6 hens, a rooster, and a wheelbarrow for them? (Just kidding - we need to keep our goats because they recycle our garbage, and we ate all the pickles!) “Money may buy the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not the appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; days of joy, but not happiness.” -Henrik Ibsen The United States Bullion Depository at Fort Knox, Kentucky holds 4,578 metric tons of gold. The New York Federal Reserve is even bigger, at 7,000 metric tons. Combined, they hold a staggering 7.5 percent of all the gold ever refined by humans on Earth. “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” -John Paul Getty The oldest known standardized money was small pieces of obsidian (a type of volcanic rock) used by people in ancient Lydia (present-day Turkey) as far back as 12,000 B.C.E. The first coins to have their value printed on them were minted around 600 B.C.E., also in Lydia. The coins were made of electrum, which is an alloy (a mixture of metals) consisting of gold and silver. “If you have money, you are wise and good-looking and you can sing well, too.” -Author Unknown: Yiddish proverb Why is American money green? Ink colors have unique physical characteristics because they contain different ingredients. Green ink was chosen for American dollars because its ingredients make it more resistant to fading, flaking, and discoloration than other colors of ink. Money Is it me or the nature of money That’s odd and peculiar? Funny, But when I have dough It goes quickly, you know, And seeps out of my pockets like honey. -Author Unknown The bird pictured on the American silver dollar was a real eagle named Peter. From 1830 to 1836, people who worked at the United States Mint adopted him to use as a model for their drawings. When he passed on after getting his wing injured in the coining press, they stuffed him, and he is still on display in the lobby of the mint. “Economists report that in recent years, Jones is having trouble keeping up with himself.” -Author Unknown Worn-out coins are melted down and used to make new coins, and worn-out bills are shredded. In the past, worn out bills were burned into ashes. Now, some shredded bills are recycled into roof shingles and fireplace logs. A farm in Delaware mulches more than four tons of cash into compost every day. “Never buy anything simply because it is expensive.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900)) ‘ATM’ is an abbreviation for ‘Automatic Teller Machine’ also known as a ‘cash machine.’ The next time you hear someone say, “I need to go to the ATM machine,” he or she is really saying, “I need to go to the Automatic Teller Machine machine,” saying ‘machine’ twice, which is redundant. There are more than 1.8 million ATM’s in the world, putting an equal or greater number of human bank tellers out of work. There is even an ATM in Antarctica, so now you have a good reason to visit the land of penguins. “Money isn’t everything. It can buy a bed, but not sleep. It can buy a clock, but not time. It can buy you a book, but not knowledge. It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you medicine, but not health.” -Author Unknown “Money is the common denominator to all, yet holds title to nothing.” -Author Unknown Remember, anything that is free is generally worth what you pay for it, which is to say, nothing. Furthermore, it is likely to be just a sneaky attempt to influence your decision making process! So, when someone offers you something for free, say that you cannot accept it unless you pay for it or give something of value in trade for it. The United States Mint is not the only place where money is made. Several organizations and communities within the United States make their own ‘money,’ and you may have used some of it yourself. If you have ever been to a Disney theme park, you have used ‘Disney’ money. ‘Green stamps’ issued by grocers to their customers is another type of ‘money.’ Tokens used for playing video games are a form of money. Many colleges produce their own money for student use, and a few small communities, such as Ithaca, New York make money to encourage spending at local small businesses. People exchange United States cash for organization or community dollars, or they earn them, and then use them to make purchases. “What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.” -Franklin Pierce Adams (1881 - 1960) Some American pennies made in 1982 and all American pennies made after 1982 contain zinc that has been electroplated, or coated, with copper. We have not tested this yet, but some folks say the coins can be mixed with mulch or soil in gardens to repel slugs. The slugs receive an unpleasant electric shock when they touch the copper and zinc combination. “The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790) Many coins have ridges, reeding, grooves, or letterings around their edges to discourage theft. Coins without such protection can have some of the gold, silver, or platinum filed off or shaved off their edges, making the coins slightly smaller, without immediately changing their overall appearance. In the distant past, shavings were collected and sold or were used to make counterfeit coins. While this type of theft is rare in modern times, because most coins are made of less valuable metals, the ridges, reeding, grooves, and letterings on the edges of coins remain as a tradition, and can be a form of readable ‘braille’ for the visually-impaired. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free yearly trip around the Sun, which many people find hard to pass up. The average life of American bills and coins in circulation (in use) is as follows. - $1 bill: 18 months. - $5 bill: 2 years. - $10 bill: 3.5 years. - $20 bill: 4 years. - $50 bill: 3.5 years. - $100 bill: 9 years. - All coins: 30 years. Overheard: I am having an ‘out of money’ experience.  Money does not grow on trees - not even on genetically modified trees . . .
It is believed that the Chinese invented paper money, in the 9th century C.E. Its original name was ‘flying money’ because it could easily blow away in the wind. However, they used it just briefly. The first time paper currency was consistently used was by the French in the 18th century. “The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.” -Author Unknown American dollar bills were first printed in their present size in 1929. All American dollar bills are now 2.625 inches wide by 6.125 inches long (2 and 5/8th inches wide x 6 and 1/8th inches long). American quarter coins are 1 inch in diameter. These are handy facts to know if you need to measure an object but have no ruler with you - just take out your money and use it to measure. “An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935)) Most of the money in the world today is fiat money, meaning that it is not backed by gold or other precious metals. The term ‘fiat’ comes from the Latin for ‘let it be done.’ Fiat money is accepted because a government declares it official money, and it is backed not by anything of tangible value but only by faith and trust in the government and the citizens. “An economist is a person who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.” -Author Unknown Where was your money before it reached you? Did it travel around the country or did it stay in one town all its life? To find out, visit the money-tracking website www.wheresgeorge.com and enter the serial numbers found on your money. Chrematophobia is a persistent fear of money. Among the sufferers of this phobia, some worry that they might mismanage money. Others worry that money might be ‘the root of all evil.’ Actually, this is a common misunderstanding. The actual quote is, “love of money is the root of all evil.” ‘Chrematophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘chrimata’ meaning ‘money’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ “Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.” -John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006) The word ‘cash’ originated in ancient China, where people carried coins in bundles held together by strings, which would have prevented the loss of individual coins. A bundle of one hundred coins was called ‘one cash.’ The Chinese possible got their word for cash from Portugal, where people called their coins ‘caixa’ (pronounced as ‘cash-a’). “If money is your only hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.” -Henry Ford (1863 - 1947) According to several studies, the money people carry in their pockets and purses is truly disgusting stuff. Both bills and coins can have contaminants on them, including pathogens such as salmonella and E.coli. Pathogens are tiny organisms that can be seen only with a microscope, and they can make people sick. To avoid getting sick, always wash your hands after handling money and before handling food, whether you are at home or in a restaurant. Jacqueline: What is the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a crazy rabbit? Jacque: One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. The mill, equal to one-tenth of a cent, was declared the lowest money of account by the United States Congress in 1786. Sadly, the mill was never minted. It would be a fun coin for numismatists, or coin collectors, to have in their collections, because it might be either really tiny or extremely thin. “No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in “P. S. I Love You,” compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Junior Some of the finest examples of public art are on the money you carry in your pocket or purse. “You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy.” -Garth Brooks Though sometimes called ‘paper money,’ American currency is fabric, not paper. It is composed of 25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton, and has tiny red and blue synthetic fibers of different lengths evenly distributed throughout it. If it were paper, it would easily fall apart when you leave it in the pockets of clothes that you put into your washing machine. It is said that many years ago, in Benjamin Franklin’s day, people repaired torn bills with a needle and thread. “A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. It certainly may secure all the myrtle and turkey part of it.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817): “Mansfield Park” (1814) The currency most traded around the world, and especially in international transactions, is the American dollar. Other heavily traded currencies are the Eurozone euro, the Japanese yen, and the British pound sterling. “Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.” -Adam Smith (1723 - 1790) The Latin phrase ‘E Pluribus Unum,’ meaning ‘Out of One, Many,’ appearing on American currency, refers to the United States of America being one country made out of many states. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” -Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972): as quoted in the “Observer” (13 April 1958) The word ‘coin’ is from the Latin word ‘cuneus’ meaning ‘wedge,’ because the dye for stamping metal coins was wedge-shaped. The motto ‘In God We Trust’ first appeared on American money between 1864 and 1873 on the two-cent coin. It reappeared in 1955, and in 1963, the motto appeared on American paper currency. ‘In God We Trust’ now appears on all new coins and bills. Witty observation: Some people seem to think they are worth a lot of money simply because they happen to have a lot of money. Has your money been in an unfortunate accident? The Office of Currency Standards will replace damaged money if a person can present at least 51 percent of the note to officials. Every year, the United States Treasury handles around 30,000 claims and redeems mutilated currency valued at over $30 million. “It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.” -George Horace Lorimer A group of Pacific islanders called Yaps once used donut-shaped stones as money. Some stones were as large as 3.66 meters (12 feet) across. We are going to need a larger canoe. Nickel: A dollar with the taxes taken out of it. The word ‘dollar’ is derived from the German word ‘taler,’ an abbreviation of Joachimstaler, a town that was near a silver mine. The silver from the mine was used to make taler, a type of silver coin. He that makes money before he gets wit Will be but a short while the master of it. -Thomas Fuller (‘Wit’ in this instance is interchangeable with ‘wisdom.’) “Spare no expense in making everything as economical as possible.” -Author Unknown The British Queen Elizabeth II holds the record for appearing on more currency than any other person. Her portrait has appeared on the currency of more than 30 different countries. Do you think it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously? Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. The country with the worst inflation in the world is Zimbabwe. In 2008, it experienced 6,500,000,000,000,000,000,000 percent inflation. Overheard: I would not say that inflation is making my life impossible, but I am now starving on an income that I used to dream about. Most of money in the world today is not in the form of bills or coins. It exists as ones and zeros in computers at government facilities, as well as at banks, brokerages, and some other businesses. Thrift Use it up, Wear it out - Make it do, Or do without. -Author Unknown “If money does not make you happy, give it back.” -Jules Renard (1864 - 1910) Well, that’s all for puttin’ a little funny in your money and your economic life. We could really make this ‘Money and Economic’ topic add up to something substantial, if only we had a small contribution from you in the form of a joke, a riddle, a short poem, a short story, a fun fact, or a quotation. You can reach us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.  As can be seen from these statues of ancient philosophers, they had no arms or legs or bodies, and so they spent their lives deep in thought . . . The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a diner when a waitress approached him. “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?” Sartre replied, “Yes, I would like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream.” Nodding, the waitress walked off to fill the order, and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream - how about with no milk?” “There is nothing so absurd but that some philosopher has said it.” -Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)): “De Divinatione” (“On Divination”) (44 B.C.E.), book 2, chapter 119, section 58 The following are thought to be profound thoughts from famous philosophers. 1. “To be is to do.” -Socrates (470 B.C.E. - 399 B.C.E.) 2. “To do is to be.” -Jean-Paul Sartre (1905 - 1980) 3. “Do be do be do.” -Frank Sinatra (1915 - 1998) “I think, therefore I am.” [English translation] “Je pense, donc je suis.” [French as in the original work] -René Descartes (1596 - 1650): “Discours de la méthode” (“Discourse on the Method”) (1637) Monsieur Sartre liked this line so much that he used it again as follows. “I think, therefore I am.” [English translation] “Cogito ergo sum.” [Latin as in the original work] -René Descartes (1596 - 1650): “Principia philosophiae” (“Principles of Philosophy”) (1644) Percy: I think therefore I am . . . I think . . . what do you think? Mercy: I am not sure, therefore, I mumble. “Philosophum non facit barba.” [original Latin] “The beard does not define a philosopher.” [English translation] -Author Unknown “Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, ‘Cogito ergo sum’ - whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: ‘Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum’ - ‘I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;’ as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Cynic’s Word Book” (1906; retitled in 1911 as “The Devil’s Dictionary”) “I am, because my little dog knows me.” -Gertrude Stein (1874 - 1946): “Identity a Poem” (1936) I think, therefore, I yam . . . or potato, perhaps. “Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.” -Author Unknown “At times I think, and at times I am.” -Author Unknown “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” -Hippolyte Taine I think, therefore I am overqualified. “Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.” -Henry Brooks Adams: as quoted in Bert Leston Taylor: “The So-Called Human Race” (1922) “I think, therefore I am a waffle.” [English] “Cogito eggo sum.” [Latin] -Author Unknown: as quoted in “New York” (23 December 1985) magazine “Philosophy, noun: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.” - Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Cynic’s Word Book” (1906; retitled in 1911 as “The Devil’s Dictionary”) “An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956)) “I think I am. Therefore, I am . . . I think.” [English] “Cogito sum, ergo sum cogito.” [Latin] -attributed to George Carlin (1937 - 2008) “I doubt, therefore, I might be.” -Author Unknown  So you want to be a philosopher? First, you should consider the practical implications of your chosen pursuit. What will become of you? How much do philosophers earn in a year? What do philosophers actually produce? What kind of people would you be working with? What would people think of you? Where would you live? What kind of shoes do philosophers wear?
“Sometimes I don’t think, so I might not be.” -Author Unknown “The highest point of philosophy is to be both wise and simple; this is the angelic life.” -attributed to John Chrysostom (about C.E. 347 - C.E. 407.) “I forget, therefore, I was.” -Author Unknown “There is no record in history of a happy philosopher.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956)): as quoted in Herbert V. Prochnow: “Speaker’s Handbook of Epigrams and Witticisms” (1955) “A great truth is a truth whose opposite is also a great truth.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)) Philosophobia is an irrational fear of philosophy or of philosophers. Seems possible that some people might not want to be bored to death . . . “I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” -Carl Sandburg (1878 - 1967) “The reason to get a degree in philosophy is so that you can become a professor in philosophy and teach other students how to get degrees in philosophy so they can become professors in philosophy . . . and so on to infinity. Nothing exists outside this construct . . . nothing else is real. In time, all matter in the Universe and everything that has, does, can, or will exist, consists of philosophy professors. Beware, however, as their low mumblings, interspaced with periodic outbreaks of philosophical arguments, could threaten to break down the entire system and return everything to a primordial state of matter and energy, which contains no known traces of philosophers or philosophies, other than that it exists. Now what were you saying?” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Knock, knock. Who’s there? Plato. Plato, who? Plato fish and chips, please. “Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986)) “A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, ‘What is life?’ When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in Heaven’s name he had been all those years. ‘In a closet,’ he replied. ‘I wanted to know what life really is.’ ‘And have you found the answer?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge.’ ‘That’s well and good,’ replied the colleague, ‘but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?’ ‘Oh,’ replied the philosopher, after some thought, ‘maybe you’re right - perhaps life is not like a bridge.’” - Raymond Smullyan: “5,000 B.C. and Other Philosophical Fantasies” (15 February 1983) Marge: What is the difference between a philosopher and an engineer? Madge: About $190,000 a year. “The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970)): “Science and Religion” (1935) “Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules; mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.” -Author Unknown Ancient philosophers, in attempting to understand the world in which they lived, placed humans and chickens into the same category, since both are bipeds, that is, creatures that walk upright on two legs. We have come a long way since then. Nellie: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb? Neal: None; every light bulb contains the seeds of its own ‘revolution.’ Be careful that no one else’s karma runs over your dogma! (car-ma, dog-ma) 1. The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher. 2. The Second Law of Philosophy: They are both wrong. I Will Be a Toad “Think as I think,” said a man, “Or you are abominably wicked; You are a toad.” And after I had thought of it, I said, “I will, then, be a toad.” -Stephen Crane (1871 - 1900) Aristotle: Why did the chicken cross the road? Plato: For the greater good. The French philosopher René Descartes was in a cafe having a cup of tea. A waiter asked him if he would like another. “I think not,” Mr. Descartes said, and he promptly vanished in a puff of pure philosophy. I’m Not Really Here There was a young student called Fred, Who was questioned on Descartes and said: “It’s perfectly clear That I’m not really here, For I haven’t a thought in my head.” -V. R. Ormerod A college dean, on speaking to the staff of the physics department, said, “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why can’t you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper, and wastebaskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department - all they need is pencils and paper.” “Given time and plenty of paper, a philosopher can prove anything.” -Robert A. Heinlein (Robert Anson Heinlein (1907 - 1988)): “Double Star” (1956) “Philosophers are adults who persist in asking childish questions.” -Isaiah Berlin We can make fun of philosophy and even call it idle musings, because philosophers have said some very amusing things across the span of human history, and we suspect that sometimes they were being funny on purpose. However, it is worth noting that philosophy began as an attempt to understand ourselves and our world. Many sciences began in philosophy: mathematics, chemistry, biology, medicine, and so forth. From these sciences have sprung many developments including many of the things we now take for granted, from larger crop yields to being able to launch rockets into space to treatments for infectious diseases. Thanks, philosophers! Philosophy drips gently from his tongue Who hath three meals a day in guarantee. -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): “Parson’s Pleasure” (1923), ‘So This Is Arden’ Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this? “A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951): as quoted in Henry Dribble: “Philosophical Investigations from the Sanctity of the Press” (15 November 2004), ‘A View from the Asylum,’ page 87 Reality: The dream of a mad philosopher. “Monism is the theory that anything less than everything is nothing.” -Saul Gorn: “S. Gorn’s Compendium of Rarely Used Clichés,” as quoted in Raymond Smullyan: “5,000 B.C. and Other Philosophical Fantasies” (15 February 1983) So, a while back, a decidedly unemployable derelict wandered onto a college campus, and the faculty helped him by buying for him a cup of coffee and then another. Being much impressed, they then granted to him an on-the-spot philosophy professorship because he could string together enough words to make the at-least meandering half-thoughts which they took for pure genius because they had never heard them uttered by such a weather-beaten and antique personage before . . . and that is the story of why today your philosophy professor has holes in the souls of his shoes and his clothes look all decayed and stuff and you do not want to stand too close to him because he smells funny . . . but he sure can make up some fascinating high falutin sincere sounding sentences - and he does have that impeccable acclaimed ‘degree in philosophy.’ Philosopher Phil: Have you heard about the guy who went to the solipsist convention? Philosopher Phoebe: Yes, it turned out that nobody showed up. “Primum viveri diende philosophari.” [original Latin] “Live before you philosophize.” [English translation] -Author Unknown Philosophers ask questions such as, “Why is there something rather than nothing?” and “What is real?” and “Do we have free-will or are our lives predestined?” and “Why is yellow yellow and not orange or 6.12?” “I am sitting with a philosopher in the garden; he says again and again, ‘I know that that’s a tree,’ pointing to a tree that is near us. Someone else arrives and hears this, and I tell them, ‘This fellow isn’t insane. We are only doing philosophy.’” -Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951) This is a cry for help: Help! Help, help, help! The ‘Philosophies and Philosophers’ topic is not nearly fun enough or informative enough. It needs some jokes or quotations or something, from you. Please send your deep thoughts or shallow musings to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.  It has been said that camels can mimic human gestures, if they trust a person’s intentions. People claim to have gotten camels to smile, wink, and even shake their heads for ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Of course, these may be just wild stories. If you want to find out if there is any truth to this, visit the camels at your local zoo or wild animal park. Alice: I wish I had enough money to buy a camel. Janice: Why on Earth do you want to buy a camel? Alice: I don’t - I just want the money! Camels originated in North America about 50 million years ago. However, the last remaining North American camel, known as Camelops hesternus, became extinct in North America 10,000 years ago, when humans migrated over from Asia, across the Bering land bridge, and into the North American continent. Coincidentally or not, during this same time, camels migrated in the opposite direction, making the now-extinct North American Camelops the ancestor of the modern camels living in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. Today, North American camels exist only in fossil records. Jacob: How do you keep a camel from going through the eye of a needle? Joseph: Tie a knot in his tail. The English word ‘camel’ is derived from the Latin word ‘camelus,’ the Greek word ‘kamēlos,’ and the Hebrew word ‘gāmāl,’ meaning ‘going without,’ which refers to the camel’s ability to go without food and water for days. Camel Facts - An adult male camel is called a bull. - An adult female camel is called a cow. - A young camel is called a calf. - A group of camels is called a caravan, a train, a herd, or a flock. - The sounds made by camels are called bellows, groans, grunts, moans, and roars. - Camels are herbivores, or animals that eat plants. - Camels can live for forty to fifty years. Commissariat Camels We haven’t a camelty tune of our own To help us trollup along. But every neck is a hairy trombone, Rtt-ta-ta-ta! is a hairy trombone. And this is our marching song: Can’t! Don’t! Shan’t! Won’t! Pass it along the line! -Rudyard Kipling The two recognized species of camels are the Dromedary, or Camelus dromedarius, and the Bactrian, or Camelus bactrianus. They were named in 1758 by Swedish zoologist Carl Linnaeus, who knew only of the domestic variety. Wild Bactrian camels, or Camelus ferus, were discovered in 1878 by Nikolai Prejevalsky, a Russian geographer who explored Mongolia and Tibet. For many years, the wild Bactrian was thought to be a subspecies of the domestic Bactrian. However, in recent years, DNA analysis has shown them to be a separate species. The main difference between the Camelus ferus and the Camelus bactrianus species is that the wild Bactrian has three more chromosome pairs than the domestic Bactrian. The Camel The camel has a single hump; The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around. I’m never sure. Are you? -Ogden Nash: “The Bad Parents’ Garden of Verse” (1936)  Dromedaries, also known as Arabian camels, have one hump on their backs. They live most commonly in the very hot deserts of the Middle East, North Africa, West Asia, and the Australian Outback. They were domesticated some 4,000 years ago. While there are no wild Dromedaries remaining, there are an estimated 700,000 feral Dromedaries living in the Australian Outback. Feral is a word used for animals that descended from domestic animals but that are living in the wild. Dromedary camels weigh between 300 and 600 kilograms (660 and 1,320 pounds), and can grow to about 2 meters (6.5 feet) tall at the shoulder.  Bactrians, also known as called Asian camels, have two humps and a very thick coat. They live mostly in the grasslands, rocky deserts, and steppes of Central Asia and East Asia. Bactrian camels must withstand harsh climates, such as in the Gobi Desert, where summer temperatures can reach 49.44 degrees Celsius (121 degrees Fahrenheit), and winter temperatures can reach 28.89 degrees below zero Celsius (20 degrees below zero Fahrenheit). Bactrian camels weigh 300 to 1,000 kilograms (660 to 2,200 pounds), and can grow to a shoulder height of 1.8 meters (6 feet).
A fun way to remember which name applies to which type of camel is to imagine the first letter of each animal’s name lying flat on its back. So, tilt the letter ‘D’ for Dromedary over, and you see one hump - Dromedaries are camels that have one hump. Tilt the letter ‘B’ for Bactrian over, and you see two humps - Bactrians are camels that have two humps. Randi: What do you call a no-hump camel? Andi: Humphrey. A mother camel and her calf were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge two-toed feet?” The mother replied, “Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.” Two minutes later the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,” the mother said. “Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?” “They are there to help us store nutrients for our long trips across the desert, and so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.” “So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store sustenance.” “Yes dear,” said the mother. The baby camel asked, “So why are we in a zoo?” Camels have special adaptations that allow them to survive in the harsh daytime heat, frigid nights, dryness, and sandstorms of the desert. During sandstorms, high winds kick up sand and dust, quickly filling the air, making seeing and breathing difficult. A mouthful of sand, sand up the nose, sand in the eyes, and sand getting into the ears can be a problem for any desert dweller or traveler. So how do camels survive in the Earth’s nearly inhospitable deserts? Camels have short, thick fur that is cream to brown colored, which protects their skin from the sun during the day, and keeps them warm when desert temperatures plummet at night. Their coats become lighter in color during the summer to help reflect the heat of the sun, which helps keep them cool. Bactrian camels grow a long shaggy coat of hair to help them survive the frigid winters of the Gobi Desert. The coat of hair peels away in sheets when spring arrives. This adaption helps them with the temperature extremes in the Gobi Desert, where summers are extremely hot and dry, and cold winters bring significant snowfalls. Dromedary camels, however, have a uniform length of hair year round. “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” -Alec Issigonis (Alexander Arnold Constantine) Camels have long legs that keep the bulk of their bodies high above the hot desert ground. They have feet with thick leathery pads on the bottoms. Each foot has two toes that spread widely apart to prevent their feet from sinking into the sand. The bottoms of their feet have pads of fat to help cushion them when they walk in rocky or stony regions. Camels have thick leathery pads on their knees and chests that protect them when they are lying down and resting on the burning hot desert sand. Camels have small ears that are lined with hair to keep out dust and sand. However, their hearing is nonetheless exceptionally keen. Caravan A camel replied, with a snort, When asked why his ears were so short, “My mission ain’t listenin’, To wind and sand whistlin’, I just try to be a good support.” -Author Unknown Camels’ nostrils are lined with hair to help keep out dust and sand, and they can close their nostrils during sandstorms. Camels have good eyesight. To protect their eyes from blowing dust and sand in the desert, camels have two sets of thick eyelashes and three sets of eyelids. One of their sets of eyelids is clear and moves sideways, acting like a windshield wiper, to brush their eyes clean of sand. Even when this set of eyelids is closed, camels can still see, allowing them to continue to travel in blinding sandstorms. Camels also have bushy eyebrows and prominent brow ridges, which work like a visor to shield their eyes from the sun. “Do not free the camel of the burden of his hump; you may be freeing him from being a camel.” -G. K. Chesterton The humps on the backs of camels are storage containers that hold up to 36 kilograms (80 pounds) of fat, which is made of water and energy-giving nutrients. When water and food is scarce, as it often is in desert areas, camels can survive on their fat reserves for up to six months by converting it into water and energy. 9.3 grams of camel hump fat releases 1.13 grams of water. When camels use their stored fat, their hump will get smaller and even flop over on the camel’s side. When they eat and drink again, the hump will refill with fat. If you see a camel with a flabby hump, give it food and water, because it is probably very hungry and thirsty. A week of food, water, and rest will restore a camel’s hump to its proper shape. Being able to fill up quickly with water when it is available is very important for camels. A thirsty camel can drink about 113 liters (30 gallons) of water in just 13 minutes, making them capable of rehydrating faster than any other mammal. Amelia: What do camels drink at tea parties? Amy: Chamomile tea! Camels are primarily herbivores, or animals that eat plants. They eat foods such grass, grains, seeds, dates, twigs, bark, and thorny plants. Camels are naturally equipped with tough, leathery mouths and thick lips that allow them to feed on almost any kind of plant, including the thorny plants that most animals cannot eat. Camels are not fussy eaters, and there are stories of camels turning omnivore, even eating carrion and fish, when nothing else is available. Camels have three stomachs, and they chew their cud like cows. Camel: A bumpy form of transportation in desert regions. Humans have made use of camels for more than ten thousand years, mostly for riding and to carry heavy loads. The calm nature of camels means they can live alongside people and other animals with few difficulties. In general, Bactrian camels are much more mild-mannered than their hot-tempered Dromedary kin are. All camels tend to be patient and docile when treated well, but they will speak out if they feel abused: camels are vocal and freely grunt, moan, bellow, and roar. Baby Camel: Mommy, which is smarter, a camel, or a chicken? Mother Camel: We are, of course. Baby Camel: Why? Mother Camel: Who ever heard of Southern fried camel? Camels prefer to walk, especially when it is very hot, though they can gallop when required, and they have a middle gait, sometimes called a pace. In their middle gait, camels move both legs on one side of their body at the same time. This movement produces a rocking motion for camel riders, and for the uninitiated, it can cause feelings of seasickness. The swaying motion of a camel’s middle gate is indeed much like the rocking of a ship at sea, and is part of the reason camels have been given the nickname ‘Ships of the Desert.’ Camels can run at about 40 kilometers (25 miles) an hour for long periods of time, and up to about 64 kilometers (40 miles) an hour for short distances. Because of their speed, camels have been used by humans in warfare and racing. As pack animals, camels can carry loads weighing more than 408 kilograms (900 pounds), although it is more typical for them to carry no more than 227 kilograms (500 pounds). Working, or baggage, camels generally cover 25 miles in a day, traveling at 3 miles per hour. A riding camel can travel 80 to 120 miles in a day. Eliot: What is white on the outside, tan on the inside, and can feed a family of four for six weeks? Lois: A camel sandwich. Camels are a source of milk, meat, leather, hair, and wool. Camel’s milk, which is widely drunk in Arab countries, has 10 times more iron than cow’s milk and is lower in fat than cow’s milk. People who are lactose sensitive may find they can drink camels’ milk with no disagreement. Camels have long been used in wartime. Romans used camels for their ability to scare off horses, which are afraid of the camel’s scent, and even in recent times, camels have been used to carry heavy gear and troops across hot sandy deserts. Baby Camel: Mom, I have two belly buttons. Mother Camel: That is all right, dear. It’s a part of our country’s Naval Reserve Program. In March 1855, the United States Congress passed the Shield Amendment, a bill that provided $30,000 for the War Department to buy camels. The United States Army briefly used camels to aid in the country’s expansion into the deserts of the American Southwest. Their reasoning was that camels easily endure desert heat, are sure-footed, and require less upkeep than horses, while being able to carry twice what horses can carry. The United States Camel Corps was in operation between 1856 and 1866. Thirty-three dromedaries, as well as three Arabic and two Turkish trainers, were taken to Camp Verde, Texas, where they surveyed roads and explored the Big Bend. Eventually, they went to Fort Tejon, California, where they carried supplies and military dispatches. They also served as pack animals in the Civil War, and 80 of them were captured by Confederate troops. However, soldiers eventually got tired of what they described as the camels’ bad smell and worse tempers, and the camels were released into the wild. Formal reasons given for the end to the use of camels included lack of interest, lack of funds, reports that the camels were spooking other pack animals, and the fact that the railroads were expanding ever westward. So, the ‘iron horse,’ or railroad, replaced the camel, which had briefly replaced the horse. After the United States military released its camels, the animals spread across the Southwest, but eventually disappeared by 1934. Camels were in World War I. The Imperial Camel Corps, made up of British, Australian, and New Zealand soldiers, fought against the Turks in the Sinai desert. However, the ‘camaliers,’ or cameleers, did not fight from the saddle. Once the beasts were ‘barraked,’ or made to kneel down, one man would care for 16 camels at a time, allowing the other camaleer troops to fight on foot. Once the Allies reached the grassier terrain of northern Palestine, horses became more practical, and the majority of the I.C.C. disbanded in June 1918. Still, even today, camels are putting their lives on the line as they help the Bedouin desert forces protect Jordan from smugglers and other bad elements who try to cross the border. Joe: Why do camels make good soldiers? Moe: Is it because they wear camelflauge? Camels are animals that roam the deserts in search of food and water, in herds with up to 30 other individuals of their own kind. Camels live in two types of herds. A family herd is led by a dominant male, and includes his harem of females and their young. The second type of camel herd is the bachelor herd, which is made up of males who have not started their own family herds. Camels are very social, and greet each other by blowing in each other’s faces. Camels generally do not fall prey to predatory animals. Although big cats such as lions, leopards, and jaguars are capable of killing and eating camels, these big cats are not often found in the harsh deserts where camels live, because big cats must live near ample supplies of drinking water. However, if attacked by another animal, camels can kick with all four legs front and back, and they have very sharp teeth that they can use to defend themselves. The voice of the character Chewbacca in the “Star Wars” movies is a recording of the deep, throaty noise made by a camel. Do camels live in South America? The tall animals with one hump (dromedary camels) or two humps (bactrian camels) on their backs live in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. However, there are four camel-like mammals that live in South America. The llama and the alpaca are called ‘New World camels,’ while the guanaco and the vicuna are called ‘South American camels.’ “In those days John the Baptist came preaching in the wilderness of Judea . . . And John himself was clothed in camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist; and his food was locusts and wild honey.” -Matthew: ‘Matthew,’ chapter 3, verses 1 and 4, in “The Bible” (New King James Version) Having a camel means all of your needs will be met. You can load your luggage onto its back and still have room to ride. If you get thirsty, you can drink camel milk. When you reach your destination, you can eat camel meat, make clothes from camel hair, and fashion shoes and a belt from camel hide. But, before you rush out to trade your goldfish or hamster for a camel, would you please send your camel jokes and knowledge to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com? Much more fabulous fun follows just below . . .  “All children, even those who do not seem to deserve it, need a parent’s love.” -Author Unknown
A mother had spent the whole summer in the company of her children, thinking only of their needs. On her return in the fall, she went for the first time in months to an adult dinner party. To her horror, she discovered that, to start a conversation with the distinguished man next to her, she said automatically, “I bet I can finish my soup sooner than you can.” “Six-year-old announces plans to become ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess.” -Author Unknown: “The Onion” Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you should not have said. So, adults, take heed of this simple rule: What should not be heard by little ears should not be said by big mouths. Parents can tell But never teach, Unless they practice What they preach. -Arnold H. Glasow “It is the nightly custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning, repacking into their proper places the many articles that have wandered during the day.” -J. M. Barrie (James Matthew Barrie (1860 - 1937)): “Peter Pan” (1911) “The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.” -Evan Esar (1899 - 1995) “To endure is the first thing that a child ought to learn, and that which he will have the most need to know.” -Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712 - 1778): “Emile; or, Treatise on Education” (1762) A woman climbed onto a bus with seven children. The bus driver asked her, “Are these all yours, Missus, or is it a picnic?” “They’re all mine,” the woman replied. “And I can assure you that it’s no picnic.” “The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991) Parents, don’t lose sight of your child at the beach. Always fasten a brightly colored helium balloon to your child’s belt so that you can see wherever he or she goes without worry. “Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.” -John Wilmot (1647 - 1680): as attributed in Herbert Victor Prochnow: “The New Speaker’s Treasury of Wit and Wisdom” (1958) “Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree.” -Marian Wright Edelman Children are Nature’s way of saying, “Your house is way too neat!” “In early childhood you may lay the foundation of poverty or riches, industry or idleness, good or evil, by the habits to which you train your children. Teach them right habits then, and their future life is safe.” -Lydia Sigourney “A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.” -Bill Vaughan (1915 - 1977) “The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children, the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing is best after all.” -Benjamin Spock (1903 - 1998) Young Dianne, only four years old, returned home from nursery school complaining, “Mommy, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” Sarah, her mother, replied kindly. “You’ll feel better when you have something in it.” She made Dianne a small snack and sure enough, Dianne felt better immediately. Later that afternoon, Dianne’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Dianne’s mother, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long. Dianne perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, “That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel much better if you had something in it!” “Anyone with the brains of a bunny can raise a happy, healthy, successful child by following a few simple rules.” -Author Unknown: “The Old Farmer’s Almanac” “Children needed love, a reliable source of comfort, and an adult willing to take responsibility for them.” -Deborah Harkness: “Shadow of Night” (10 July 2012) “Here is something that will really make you feel really grown up,” a father said to his daughter. “Your very own phone bill.” Children have always been around, but the concept of childhood, as we know it now, is a relatively new one in human history. It began in the mid-twentieth century, when childhood was emphasized as an important time to play and imagine. Prior to then, childhood was a period of surviving the harshness of existence long enough to reach young adulthood, with an emphasis on learning skills such as hunting and gathering, or in more complex civilizations, skills needed to earn a living and participate in a society. Billy: Can youngsters learn to fly jet airplanes? Bobby: Yes, but they have to use training wheels! “Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system.” -Quentin Crewe “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” -Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972) “Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.” -Author Unknown “I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.” -Anna Quindlen (born in 1952): ‘Enough Bookshelves’ in the “New York Times” (7 August 1991) newspaper Child: Random noise generator. Surely green branches thou mayst render straight; Th’ attempt to straighten dry wood comes too late. -Author Unknown “What did you ask at school today?” -Richard Feynman Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap them with each other. Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbor’s children. “Every child should have mud pies, grasshoppers, water-bugs, tadpoles, frogs, mud-turtles, elderberries, wild strawberries, acorns, chestnuts, trees to climb, brooks to wade in, water-lilies, woodchucks, bats, bees, butterflies, various animals to pet, hay-fields, pine-cones, rocks to roll, sand, snakes, huckleberries, and hornets; and any child who has been deprived of these has been deprived of the best part of his education.” -Luther Burbank (1849 - 1926): “Training of the Human Plant” (1907) “Most kids hear what you say; some kids do what you say; but all kids do what you do.” -Kathleen Casey Theisen Children grow faster in the springtime than any other season during the year. “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” -James Baldwin (1924 - 1987): “Nobody Knows My Name” (1961), chapter 3 The Parent “I don’t think that children should owe ya,” Said a mother from old Babylonia, “But it’s nice when they heed ya, Or show that they need ya, And once in a while, they phone ya.” -Author Unknown “Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” -Socrates (470 B.C.E. - 399 B.C.E.) “My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Alex playing calmly in the woods. ‘Listen to me, Alex,’ his mother said sharply. ‘From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?’ Alex thought about that for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Disney World.’” -Author Unknown “There is just one way to bring up a child in the way he should go and that is to travel that way yourself.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865) “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett Children laugh about 400 times a day, while adults laugh on average only 15 times a day. Are adults far too serious, or are children having too much fun? “Having one child makes you a parent; having two means you are a referee.” -David Paradine Frost (born in 1939): as quoted in the “Independent” (16 September 1989) “Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.” -Yoda, in “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones” (16 May 2002) “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” -Franklin P. Jones A toddler who was found chewing on a slug. After the initial disgust, the parent said, “Well, what does it taste like?” “Worms,” was the reply. “Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.” -David Bly Toddler Rules If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it has buttons, they must be pressed. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is food, it must not be tasted. If it is Mommy, it must be hugged. -Author Unknown “The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.” -Jean Kerr (1923 - 2003): “Please Don’t Eat the Daisies” (1957) “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings.” -Hodding Carter II (1907 - 1972): “Where Main Street Meets the River” (1953), chapter 27, page 337 Overheard: You soon learn how little you know when your child begins to ask questions. “A lot of children think their parents are all-no-ing.” -Author Unknown A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. “How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.” “Kids spell love t-i-m-e.” -John Crudele (As in ‘the time you spend with them.’) “If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm.” -Bruce Barton (1886 - 1967) “You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children turned out.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008)) Whole Duty of Children A child should always say what’s true, And speak when he is spoken to; And behave mannerly at table, At least as far as he is able. -Robert Louis Stevenson (Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson (1850 - 1894)): “A Child’s Garden of Verses” (1885) “There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience.” -Anatole Broyard “Watch me, learn from me, and learn from my mistakes.” -Judy Garland (Frances Gumm (1922 - 1969)): advice she gave to her daughter Liza Minnelli “Sometimes in our attempt to give children what we did not have, we forget to give our children what we did have.” -Connie Podesta “There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.” -Mona Crane “Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future lives and crimes from society.” -Daniel Webster (1782 - 1852): as quoted in Tryon Edwards “A Dictionary of Thoughts” (1908), page 135 “Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.” -Marcelene Cox Cookie Jar A house should have a cookie jar, For when it’s half past three And children hurry home from school As hungry as can be, There’s nothing quite so splendid In filling children up As spicy, fluffy ginger cakes And sweet milk in a cup. A house should have a mother Waiting with a hug No matter what a boy brings home, A puppy or a bug. For children only loiter When the bell rings to dismiss If no one’s home to greet them With a cookie and a kiss. -Author Unknown “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” -John W. Whitehead “Children are happy because they don’t have a file in their minds called ‘All the Things That Could Go Wrong.’” -Marianne Williamson (born in July 1952) “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 22, verse 6 Give me patience when little hands Tug at me with small demands. Give me gentle words and smiling eyes And keep my lips from sharp replies, So in years to come when my house is still Beautiful memories its rooms fill. -Author Unknown “Childhood is that state which ends the moment a puddle is first viewed as an obstacle instead of an opportunity.” -Kathy Williams (1964 - 1996) “Just as plants soak up water, your children need your loving words, and with them they will thrive.” -Judy Ford “Children are great imitators. Give them something great to imitate.” -Author Unknown “Words of praise, indeed, are almost as necessary to warm a child into a genial life as acts of kindness and affection. Judicious praise is to children what the sun is to flowers.” -Christian Nestell Bovee (1820 - 1904): “Intuitions and Summaries of Thought” (2 volumes, 1862) Please send your ‘Childhood and Parenting’ humor and learning to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com, because in this world, we all could stand to learn something and we all need a good laugh.  Crunch, crunch - oh, hi there! The map of the Earth shown above is not made to scale . . . and is also likely to be eaten really soon.
Son: Dad, where are the Himalayas? Father: Go ask your mother - she puts everything away. The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips, or bands, to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden’s Alex Andersrag. He has long since been forgotten, except in a few obscure history books, so very few people refer to these zone dividers today as ‘Alex Andersrag Time Bands.’ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are! Buster: What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered? Lester: Mount Everest. Vera: Why is honey so hard to find in Boston? Sarah: Because there is only one ‘B’ in Boston. “I heard him speak disrespectfully of the equator.” -Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845) “You can’t get there from here if you don’t know where here and there are.” -Thom Hogan Ricky: How can you name the capital of every U.S. state in two seconds? Mickey: Washington, D.C. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ida. Ida, who? Ida hoes potatoes! Geography and Map Facts - Map-making is older than writing. - People who make maps are called cartographers. - A body of water is a lake, river, ocean, or other water mass usually on or below a planet’s surface. - The Global Positioning System (GPS) is a method of allowing people to find precise coordinates, or locations, using satellite telemetry (measurements from a distance). - Terrain features are features on the surface of a planet or object, such as mountains, hills, valleys, bodies of water, volcanoes, plains, shorelines, glaciers, bays, and so forth. - The most commonly used map is the road map; however, there are many other types of maps, including terrain maps, mineral location maps, undersea maps, and aerial navigation maps . . . and, as some joker just said, don’t forget treasure maps. If the world is getting smaller, how come they keep raising the postal rates? Chance: What did Delaware? Hope: Her New Jersey. The Russian Federation and the United States of America are only 2 miles away from each other by kayak, in the far north, just in case you are bored and want something to do. Be sure to take along some granola and seal blubber. Disorder on the Border There was an old man on the Border, Who lived in the utmost disorder; He danced with the cat, And made tea in his hat, Which vexed all the folks on the Border. -Author Unknown Geography Teacher: Who knows where the Great Plains are? Student: At the big airports? You Are Entering Littleville Altitude 1,580 Population 3,775 Founded 1837 Total 7,192 Brenda: Where is Timbuktu? Herbie: Between Timbukone and Timbukthree. Iceland is so cold that most of its inhabitants have to live somewhere else. A good sense of humor is helpful for those who live in the following places: - Cheesequake, New Jersey - Hygiene, Colorado - Santa Claus, Indiana - Hot Coffee, Mississippi - Chocolate Bayou, Texas - Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico - Monkey’s Eyebrow, Arizona - Yeehaw Junction, Florida - Beebeetown, Iowa - Shoulderblade, Kentucky - Pumpkin Center, Missouri - Smileyberg, Kansas Marcella: What has four i’s but cannot see? Marcus: Mississippi. “Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.” -Terry Pratchett (Terrence David John ‘Terry’ Pratchett (1948 - 2015)): “The Last Continent” (1998) Timbuktu A thing that I’ve wanted to do Is to go to that place, Timbuktu. It’s perfectly clear It’s a long way from here. But no one knows just where - do you? -Author Unknown “If you don’t know where you are, a map won’t help.” -Watts S. Humphrey Jay: What is the difference between here and there? Kay: The letter ‘t.’ Gulf: A dent in a continent. On a map, the ‘You Are Here’ sometimes with an arrow pointing to your location, is called an ‘ideo locator.’ “Where is here?” -Northrop Frye Dustin: What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole? Geography Teacher: All the difference in the world! The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start. Marcus: Where is Moscow? Mark: In the barn with Pa’s cow. More than seventy-five percent of all the countries in the world are located north of the Equator. Melanesia Each fall in far-off Melanesia The weather’s not likely to please ya; Hurricanes come and go, Giant tides ebb and flow, And octopi tease ya and squeeze ya. -Author Unknown Thirteen recognized countries in the world have capital cities with spellings that begin and end with the same letter, in the English language versions of the names. They are: Abuja (Nigeria), Accra (Ghana), Addis Ababa (Ethiopia), Andorra la Vella (Andorra), Ankara (Turkey), Apia (Samoa), Asmara (Eritrea), Astana (Kazakhstan), Oslo (Norway), Saint George’s (Grenada), Saint John’s (Antigua and Barbuda), Tashkent (Uzbekistan), and Warsaw (Poland). Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. (menagerie, noun: 1. a collection of wild animals kept in captivity for exhibition. 2. a strange or diverse collection of people or things.) Equator: An imaginary lion that runs around the Earth. Geography and Maps Quiz - What countries border the country you live in? - Why are some countries divided into areas called states or provinces? - What is the capital city of your country? - What is a body of water? - Are there places in the world that are not claimed as part of any country? - What country is the ‘most fun country’ for its citizens? Spencer: South Africa is the only country with three official capitals - what are they? Percy: South Africa’s three official capitals are Pretoria, Cape Town, and Bloemfontein. There is a city called Rome on every continent. Road Map: A guide to etiquette showing motorists which fork to use. Did you have any fun today, and did you learn anything new? Our world is a funny place with lots of humor for you to find in it. If you know something about geography or maps that you think belongs in this ‘Geography and Maps’ topic, please be sure to let us know at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Thanks a million billion trillion gazillion . . . and so on.  Why do people learn Latin? The answer to that question can be found further down this page, but before we go there, let’s have some varying degrees of ‘Fun & Learning’ with Latin.
“Carpe diem.” [original Latin] “Seize the day.” [English translation] -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)) “Tempus fugit.” [original Latin] “Time flies.” [English translation] -Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil (70 B.C.E. - 19 B.C.E.)) ‘Carpe diem’ is Latin for ‘seize the day.’ ‘Quia’ is Latin for ‘because.’ ‘Tempus fugit’ is Latin for ‘time flies.’ So, ‘Tempus fugit quia carpe diem!’ means ‘Seize the day because time flies!’ That is what we always say - and now you can, too. Ubi est mea anaticula cumminosa? (Where’s my rubber ducky?) Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) “Per ardua ad astra.” (“Through hardship to the stars.”) -Author Unknown: motto of the Royal Air Force Appareo decet nihil munditia? (Is it not nifty?) “Inventas vitam iuvat excoluisse per artes.” (“Let us improve life through science and art.”) -Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil (70 B.C.E. - 19 B.C.E.)) Da mihi sis crustum etruscum cum omnibus in eo. (I’ll have a pizza with everything on it.) Quinon proficit deficit. (He who does not advance, goes backwards.) Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis! (I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!) Illiud Latine dici non potest. (You cannot say that in Latin.) “Credidi me felem vidisse!” (“I tought I taw a puddy tat!”) -Tweety Bird “Errare humanum est.” (“To err is human.”) -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65)) “Dic mihi solum facta, domina.” (“Just the facts, ma’am.”) -Joe Friday, in “Dragnet” Destitutus ventis, remos adhibe. (If the wind will not serve, take to the oars.) “Excitabat fluctus in simpulo.” (“He was stirring up billows in a ladle.” In modern parlance, “He was raising a tempest in a teapot.”) -Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero, also known as Tully (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)) Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. (If you can read this, you are overeducated.) “Draco dormiens nunquam titllandus.” (“Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon.”) -J. K. Rowling: motto of Harry Potter’s alma mater Fortitudine vincimus. (By endurance we conquer.) Ducator meus nihil agit sine lagunculae leynidae accedunt. (My calculator does not work without batteries.) “Gutta cavat lapidem, non vi sed saepe cadendo.” (“The drop excavates the stone, not with force but by falling often.”) -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)) Fortunatus sum! Pila mea de gramine horrido modo in partum lene recta volvit! (Isn’t that lucky! My ball just rolled out of the rough and onto the fairway!) “Leve fit, quod bene fertur, onus.” (“The burden is made light which is borne well.”) - Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)) “Mus uni non fidit antro.” (“A mouse does not rely on just one hole.”) -Plautus (Titus Maccius Plautus (about 254 B.C.E. - about 184 B.C.E.)) “Festina lente.” (“Make haste slowly.”) -Augustus Caesar (born as Gaius Octavius; also known as Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus and by other names and titles (63 B.C.E. - C.E. 14)): as quoted in Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus: “Lives of the Caesars” (about C.E. 121) “Nam et ipsa scientia potestas es.” (“Knowledge itself is power.”) -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626) Insula Gilliganis (Gilligan’s Island) “Natura abhorret a vacua.” (“Nature abhors a vacuum.”) -François Rabelais (1494 - 1553) Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum europe vincendarum. (Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.) “Nemo sine vitio est.” (“No one is without fault.”) -Marcus Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Elder or Seneca the Rhetorician (54 B.C.E. - C.E. 39)) Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos! (You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me my money back!) Minime senuisti! (You haven’t aged a bit!) Aut viam inveniam aut faciam. (I will either find a way or make one.) Musica delenit bestiam feram. (Music soothes the savage beast.) “Nil desperandum!” (“Never despair!”) -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)) Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema. (I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.) Non ignara mals, miseris svccvrrere disco. (No stranger to misfortune [myself], I learn to relieve the sufferings [of others].) Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? (How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?) “Non omnes qui habemt citharam sunt citharoedi.” (“Not all those who own a musical instrument are musicians.”) -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626) “Semper fidelis.” or “Semper fi.” (“Always faithful.”) -Author Unknown: motto of the United States Marine Corps “Non ut edam vivo, sed vivam edo.” (“I do not live to eat, but eat to live.”) -Quintilian (Marcus Fabius Quintilianus (about C.E. 35 - C.E. 100.)) Horas non numero nisi serenas. (I count only the bright hours.) -Author Unknown: inscription on a sundial Nonne de novo eboraco venis? (You’re from New York, aren’t you?) “Docendo discimus.” (“We learn by teaching.”) -Author Unknown “Potest ex casa magnus vir exire.” (“A great man can come from a hut.”) -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65)) Revera linguam latinam vix cognovi. (I really don’t know all that much Latin.) O diem praeclarum! (Oh, what a beautiful day!) “Primum non nocere.” (“The first thing is to do no harm.”) -Author Unknown: Hippocratic oath Quid agis, medice? (What’s up, Doc?) Quomodo vales? (How are you?) “Sapere aude!” (“Dare to be wise!”) -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)) “Scio me nihil scire.” (“I know that I know nothing.”) -Socrates (470 B.C.E. - 399 B.C.E.) Sic friatur crustum dulce. (That’s the way the cookie crumbles.) Sona si Latine loqueris. (Honk if you speak Latin.) Si minor plus est ergo nihil sunt omnia. (If less is more, then nothing is everything.) Nonne macescis? (Have you lost weight?) “Sedit qui timuit ne non succederet.” (“He who feared he would not succeed sat still.” In modern parlance, “For fear of failure, he did nothing.”) -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)) Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri? (How do you get your hair to do that?) “Te capiam, cunicule sceleste!” (“I’ll get you, you wascally wabbit!”) -Elmer Fudd “Ut sementem feceris, ita metes.” (“As you sow, so shall you reap.”) -Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero, also known as Tully (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)) Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? (Seen any good movies lately?) Visne saltare? (Do you want to dance?) Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur. (Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket.) Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est. (Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.) Although sometimes called a dead language because it is no longer commonly spoken, Latin was once considered a ‘Universal Language’ by the elite in Western Europe and some other places in the world. Children were taught Latin in schools to ensure their positions in the upper classes of society, and any written work was expected to be in Latin if it was to be accepted as a serious scholarly, scientific, theological, mathematical, philosophical, legal, or literary piece. The advantage of a Universal Language is that people would need to learn only their native tongue plus the single Universal Language, which they could then use in communicating with others who used any of many different languages. So, if a French speaker, an English speaker, an Italian speaker, a German speaker, and a Spanish speaker got together, they could all speak, read, and write the Universal Language rather than needing to communicate in five different languages. Latin has fallen into disfavor, and English is presently closest to holding the Universal Language title, although it will likely lose that position as computers become capable of real-time language translations. However, knowing a smattering of Latin can still be useful because many phrases, words, and parts of words (such as prefixes, root words, and suffixes) have Latin origins. Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.) Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. (I think some people in togas are plotting against me.) Suntne vacci laeti? (Are your cows happy?) Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. (It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.) Caeli enarrant gloriam Dei. (The heavens declare the glory of God.) Mens crescit agendo. (Mind increases by using.) Da mihi sis bubulae frustrum assae, solana tuberosa in modo gallico fricta, ac quassum lactatum coagulatum crassum. (Give me a hamburger, french fries, and a thick shake.) Caveat emptor. (Let the buyer beware.) Balaenae nobis conservandae sunt! (Save the whales!) Noli irritare leones. (Do not irritate lions.) “Certe, toto, sentio nos in kansate non iam adesse.” (“You know, Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”) -Dorothy, in “The Wizard of Oz” (1939) “Audentis fortuna iuvat.” (“Fortune favors the brave.”) -Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil (70 B.C.E. - 19 B.C.E.)) In dentibus anticis frustrum magnum spiniciae habes. (You have a big piece of spinach in your front teeth.) Sit Nomen Domini Benedictum. (Blessed be the name of the Lord.) Bene ambula et redambula. (A safe journey to you.) Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor. (I see the better way and approve it, but I follow the worse way.) Arma tuentur pacem. (Arms maintain peace.) Sic hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades. (If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated, and much too close.) A fronte praecipitium, a tergo lupi. (‘A precipe in front, wolves behind’ or in modern parlance, ‘Between a rock and a hard place.’) Macdonaldus Senex fundum habuit. E-I-E-I-O. Et in hot fundo nonnullas boves domesticas habuit. E-I-E-I-O. Cum moo moo hic, et cum moo moo ibi. Hic una moo, ibi una moo, ubique una moo. Macdonaldus Senex fundum habuit. E-I-E-I-O. (Old MacDonald had a farm. And on his farm he had some cows. E-I-E-I-O. With a moo moo here, and a moo moo there. Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo. Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O.) Defendit numerous. (There is safety in numbers.) “Vestis virum reddit.” (“The clothes make the man.”) -Quintilian (Marcus Fabius Quintilianus (about C.E. 35 - C.E. 100.)) Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! (If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!) “Semper paratus.” (“Always prepared.”) -Author Unknown: motto of the United States Coast Guard Si sapis, sis apis. (If you are wise, be a bee.) Muta est pictura poema. (A picture is a silent poem.) Quanti canicule ille in finestere? (How much is that doggie in the window?) Qui vult dare parva non debet magna rogare. (He who wishes to give little should not ask for much.) Vacca, vacca! (Cow, cow!) E fructu arbor cognoscitur. (The tree can be recognized by its fruits.) “Adhibenda est in jocando moderatio.” (“Moderation should be used in joking.”) -Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero, also known as Tully (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)) (Yes, but did he not also say that moderation should be used in everything?) ‘Derident Vitae!’ is Latin for ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Please tell us your favorite Latin phrases so we can be smart and amusing, too. You can reach us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Remember, life is better when you’re laughing!  Whenever you think your life is bad, just remember this guy, who lives in a garbage can . . . of course, his expectations in life may be a little different than yours . . . “The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” -George C. Scott Remember, even monkeys fall out of trees from time to time! “Our way is not soft grass, it’s a mountain path with lots of rocks. But it goes upwards, forward, toward the sun.” -Ruth Westheimer “No man lives without jostling and being jostled; in all ways he has to elbow himself through the world, giving and receiving offence.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881): “Sir Walter Scott,” in the “London and Westminster Review” (12 November 1838) “Some falls are means the happier to rise.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616) “If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.” -Author Unknown “If things go wrong, don’t go with them.” -Roger Babson (Roger W. Babson (1875 - 1967)) “Trouble can always be borne when it is shared.” -Katherine Paterson: “The Tale of the Mandarin Ducks” (1 January 1990) Remember, if you ever get into a difficult situation, you can always count on your fingers and toes! “Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I’ve had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.” -Katharine Hepburn (Katharine Houghton Hepburn (1907 - 2003)) “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a grin!” -Author Unknown “Without struggle there is no progress.” -Frederick Douglass (Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey (1817 - 1895)) “Just because something is difficult does not mean you should not do it.” -Author Unknown “Whenever you fall, pick up something.” -Oswald Theodore Avery “I truly believe that we can overcome any hurdle that lies before us and create the life we want to live. I have seen it happen time and time again.” -Gillian Anderson “Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887) “No life is so hard that you can’t make it easier by the way you take it.” -Ellen Glasgow (1873 - 1945) “By perseverance the snail reached the ark.” -Charles Spurgeon (Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834 - 1892)): “The Salt-cellars: Being a Collection of Proverbs, Together with Homely Notes Thereon” (1889), ‘Proverbs,’ page 89 “Greatness is best measured by how well an individual responds to the happenings in life that appear to be totally unfair, unreasonable, and undeserved.” -Marvin J. Ashton: as quoted in “Ensign” (November 1984), page 22 “I am an old man and have known many troubles. But most of them never happened.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)) “Turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.” -Author Unknown: English proverb “There is no education like adversity.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881) “The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.” -Harry Ruby: in “Variety” (magazine) “Trying times are no time to quit trying.” -Author Unknown “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” -Author Unknown “If you are ever in real trouble, don’t panic. Sit down and think about it. Remember two things, always. There must be some way out of it, and there must be humor in it somewhere.” -Louise Fitzhugh “Determination, patience, and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation.” -Author Unknown “Adversity causes some to break, others to break records.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)) “If people speak ill of you, live so that no one will believe them.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.) “The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.” -Epicurus (341 B.C.E. - 270 B.C.E.) “It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.” [English translation] “Confragosa in fastigium dignitatis via est.” [original Latin] -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Younger or simply Seneca (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65)): in a letter to Lucilius “There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown helpless about them.” -Clare Boothe Luce (1903 - 1987) “If you don’t climb the mountain, you can’t see the view.” -Author Unknown “No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb “The race is not always to the swift - but to those who keep on running.” -Author Unknown: derived from the “The Bible,” ‘Book of Ecclesiastes,’ chapter 9, verse 11: “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.” “When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave them wondering how in the world you did it.” -Author Unknown “People need trouble - a little frustration to sharpen the spirit on, toughen it. Artists do; I don’t mean you need to live in a rat hole or gutter, but you have to learn fortitude, endurance. Only vegetables are happy.” -William Faulkner (1897 - 1962)  “When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshall
Square your shoulders to the world, Be not the kind to quit - It’s not the load that weighs you down, But the way you carry it. -Author Unknown “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can man be perfected without trials.” -Confucius (K’ung Fu-tzu or K’ung Ch’iu (about 551 B.C.E. - about 479 B.C.E.)) “Adversity in immunological doses has its uses; more than that crushes.” -John Updike (John Hoyer Updike (1932 - 2009)) “Life begins to become truly livable once we have learned how to get back up after we stumble and fall. The mastery of that knowledge may come about only following many falls but it finally comes to us and softens the pain and humiliation on each occasion that we stumble after that, and so we are able to face life with some courage because of what we have learned after falling. Everything eventually becomes easier with time and experience.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “If you would not have affliction visit you twice, listen at once to what it teaches.” -James Burgh (1714 - 1775): “The Dignity of Human Nature” (1754) “The burden becomes light which is cheerfully borne.” -Publius Ovidius Naso (also known as Ovid (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)) “Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.” -Lou Holtz “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” -Bernice Johnson Reagon (born in 1942) “History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats.” -B. C. Forbes (Robert Charles ‘Bertie’ Forbes (1880 - 1954)): as quoted in “Forbes” (1958) “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965)) “A faith untested is no faith at all.” -Author Unknown “Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778)) “Even if I lost everything, I would still have God, and that is enough to start over.” -Author Unknown “To err is human - and sometimes it’s the best thing that could happen to you.” -Author Unknown “Sir, what is the secret of your success?” a reporter asked a bank president. “Two words.” “And, sir, what are they?” “Right decisions.” “And how do you make right decisions?” “One word.” “And, sir, what is that?” “Experience.” “And how do you get experience?” “Two words.” “And, sir, what are they?” “Wrong decisions.” “A great part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is in itself a victory.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882) “Every adversity can make you bitter or better.” -Mary Kay Mueller “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 24, verse 16 “If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.” -Author Unknown “The brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.” -Fred Beck “Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.” -James Buckham “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940) “Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.” -Shari R. Barr “Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996)) “Never despair. But if you do, work on in despair.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): as attributed in “The Christian Pioneer” (1878), volume 32 “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant.” -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)): “Satires” “I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.” -Author Unknown “The mind which does not wholly sink under misfortune rises above it more lofty than before, and is strengthened by affliction.” -Richard Chenevix Trench (known as Richard Trench until 1873 (1807 - 1886)): “An Essay Upon National Character” (1832), book I, part II, chapter III “Life knocks a man down and he gits up and it knocks him down again . . . What’s he to do when he gits knocked down? Why, take it for his share and go on.” -Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings “You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.” -Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821 - 1881) “The rewards for those who persevere far exceed the pain that precedes the victory.” -Karen Bliss Livingston “Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” -William Ellery Channing (1780 - 1842) “I have never known anyone to achieve anything without overcoming adversity.” -Lou Holtz “Life has its peaks and its valleys.” -Author Unknown “One of the most difficult things everyone has to learn is that for your entire life you must keep fighting and adjusting if you hope to survive. No matter who you are or what you position is you must keep fighting for whatever it is you desire to achieve.” -George E. Allen “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.” -Christian D. Larson (Christian Daa Larson (1874 - 1954 or 1962)) “Defeat is nothing but the first steps to something better.” -Author Unknown “There is no chance, no destiny, no fate that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.” -Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 - 1919) “Those who turn back know only the ordeal, but those who persevere remember the adventure.” -Milo Arnold “Most of the important things in this world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955)) “Strong people are made by opposition, like kites that go up against the wind.” -Frank Harris (1856 - 1931) “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” -Dolly Parton (born in 1946): as quoted in Bob Phillips: “Phillips’ Book of Great Thoughts” (1993), page 264 Just remember, it’s all going to make for a great story someday . . . now who’s ready to go out into the big wide world and ‘Make Fun Of Life!’?  From the time an infant first tries to get his toes into his mouth, life is a continual struggle for one thing or another . . .
“Each child is an adventure into a better life - an opportunity to change the old pattern and make it new.” -Hubert Humphrey (Hubert Horatio Humphrey, Junior (1911 - 1978)) The word ‘baby’ may possibly be derived from babies babbling, “Ba-ba-ba-ba!” Baby: A handy way of disposing of unwanted cash and filling up free time, while cutting down on unnecessary sleep, curtailing a demanding social life, and curing a neurotic obsession with personal hygiene. Catherine: What kind of baby is born with whiskers on its face? Katy: A kitten! “I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring.” -Liz Armbruster The word ‘infant’ is derived from the Latin word ‘infans’ meaning ‘unable to speak’ and typically refers to the ages from 1 to 12 months. A ‘newborn’ usually refers to an infant in the first 28 days of life. Overheard: “Gaa-gaaa, goo-gooo!” “I was so surprised at being born that I didn’t speak for a year and a half.” -Gracie Allen (Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie ‘Gracie’ Allen (1895 or 1902 - 1964)) Beatrice: I have a new baby sister! June: What is her name? Beatrice: I keep asking, but she won’t tell me. “A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on.” -Carl Sandburg (1878 - 1967): “Remembrance Rock” (1948), chapter 2 Only a Baby Small Only a tender flower Sent us to rear; Only a life to love While we are here; Only a baby small, Never at rest; Small, but how dear to us, God knoweth best. -Matthias Barr “It is a pleasant thing to reflect upon, and furnishes a complete answer to those who contend for the gradual degeneration of the human species, that every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last.” -Charles Dickens (Charles John Huffam Dickens (1812 - 1870)): “Nicholas Nickleby” (1838 - 1839) Around the world, an estimated twelve newborns are given to the wrong parents each day, largely because of mix-ups at hospitals. This might explain a few mysteries . . . All babies have blue eyes at birth. The melanin in a newborn’s eyes often needs some time following birth to be fully in place or to be darkened by exposure to ultraviolet light, eventually revealing a baby’s permanent eye color. “What good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is usually best after all.” -Benjamin Spock (1903 - 1998) A baby’s head is proportionally large, at one-quarter of its total body length, compared to the one-eighth of the total body length of an adult’s head. “Here we have a baby. It is composed of a bald head and a pair of lungs.” -Eugene Field Bernard: What is your baby’s motto? Brenda: “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.” A new baby is like royalty: he is the prince of wails (or she is the princess of wails). Do babies have teeth? While most newborn babies do not have teeth, about one in every two thousand babies is born with a tooth. Overheard: I have finally figured out why babies suck their thumbs. I tried some of the baby food. “When the baby is done drinking, it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk it must be boiled.” -Author Unknown: “Farm Milk and Infants” (1961), a pamphlet from the United States Department of Agriculture Some people believe that shaking the head to mean ‘no’ derives from newborns turning their head away from food when they are full. Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby. Babies don’t keep. -Ruth Hulburt Hamilton (born in 1921): “Song for a Fifth Child” as published in “Ladies Home Journal” (1958) magazine It was six o’clock in the evening, and a woman was about to leave the laundry where she worked. Her boss called her over and asked if she would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on her way home. “It’s for my cousin,” she apologized, “who is eight months pregnant and can’t get out much.” The woman cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. “Hi,” the woman said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, she explained, “I have a delivery for her.” The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. “Mom!” she shrieked, “Come quick! It’s the stork!” Babies are, pound for pound, stronger than an ox. While a baby certainly could not pull a covered wagon, if the child were the size of an ox, it just might be able to do so. Babies have especially strong and powerful legs for such tiny creatures, and they do not know their own strength, so watch out for those kicks! “The baby rises to its feet, takes a step, is overcome with triumph and joy - and falls flat on its face. It is a pattern for all that is to come! But learn from the bewildered baby. Lurch to your feet again. You’ll make the sofa in the end.” -Pam Brown Suslick’s First Law of Infant Gravity: You cannot fall off the floor. Suslick’s Second Law of Infant Gravity: It takes an infant six months to learn this. -K. S. Suslick Most babies begin to walk at about 13 months of age, though some may start as early as 9 or 10 months of age and others as late as 15 or 16 months of age. Do babies have kneecaps? Newborn babies can have a mix of as many as 350 cartilage elements and bones, but by about five years of age, much of the cartilage is replaced by bone and some of the bones will have fused, or joined together, eventually resulting in the 206 bones most adults have. At birth, the cranium, or skull, consists of three unfused plates, or pieces, that fuse into one piece as the baby matures. Babies have cartilage kneecaps, which typically become bone kneecaps by the time a child is somewhere between two and six years of age. Alexia: What is the best way to drive a baby buggy? Alex: Tickle its feet. One secret of being a parent is to sleep when the baby is not looking. Hush, Little Baby Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird won’t sing, Papa’s going to buy you a diamond ring. If that diamond ring turns brass, Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass. If that looking glass gets broke, Papa’s going to buy you a billy-goat. And if that billy-goat runs away, Mama’s going to buy you another one today. And all of these things your parents will do, Because you’re the best little child in the world. -Author Unknown An English couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful French baby boy. The couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “Whatever possessed you to study French?” The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a French baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.” Born Embarrassed My mom was born in England. My dad was born in France. And I was born embarrassed, Because I have no pants. -Bruce Lansky Donald: What has four wheels and diaper rash? Donna: A baby in a shopping cart! A waif awakened and weakly wailed, wanting water. Babies are nature’s way of showing people what the world looks like at 2:00 a.m. “I actually remember feeling delight, at two o’clock in the morning, when the baby woke for his feed, because I so longed to have another look at him.” -Margaret Drabble (born in 1939) [A baby is a] “curly, dimpled lunatic.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882): “Essays, Second Series” (1844), ‘Nature’ Rock-a-Bye Baby Rock-a-bye, baby, On the treetop. When the wind blows, The cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, The cradle will fall. Down will come baby, Cradle and all. -Author Unknown (A bough is a large main branch of a tree, from which smaller branches grow.) “A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991) Human babies are the only primates that smile at their parents. A baby’s first social smile appears at between four and six weeks after birth. “When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy or girl.” -J. M. Barrie (James Matthew Barrie (1860 - 1937)): “Peter Pan” (1928), act I, opening line Lillian: Why do people dress girl babies in pink and boy babies in blue? Dalila: Because they can’t dress themselves. In Ancient Rome, an olive branch was hung from the front door of a house if a boy was born, and a strip of woolen fabric was hung if the child was a girl. Eighteenth-century London houses hung strips of ribbon on their doorknockers: pink for a girl and blue for a boy. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wendy. Wendy, who? Wendy wind blows the cradle will rock. “Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.” -Rabindranath Tagore (also known as Ravīndranātha Thākura or Rabindranath Thakur (1861 - 1941)): “Stray Birds” (1916) Birth Announcement: A seven-pound baby boy arrived last night to frighten the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Sherman Lee. (Newspaper misprint; ‘frighten’ was supposed to have been ‘brighten’) What is a ‘baby shower’ and why is it called by that name? A baby shower is a celebration held shortly before a baby is born or shortly after the birth of a baby. It often involves a group of people who visit the mother’s home, bringing baby-themed gifts and sharing important advice with the new mother about what to expect. First-time mothers with new babies may need help materially and knowledge-wise, help which at one time would have been given by family members, relatives, and neighbors, but which is often not available because of the increase in fractured families and poorly-connected communities in the modern world. At a baby shower, the mother and baby are ‘showered’ with gifts, congratulatory statements, and information on child development and child care from well-wishers and experienced parents. “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” -Benjamin Spock (1903 - 1998): “Baby and Child Care” (1977) One enterprising mother solved the problem of getting her year-old infant to swallow a pill. She placed first the pill, then the baby, on the playpen floor. True to the ways of small children, he promptly popped the pill into his mouth and gulped it down. By the time you learn to be a good parent, you are out of a job! “A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure, a messenger of peace and love, a resting place for innocence on Earth, a link between angels and men.” -Martin Farquhar Tupper (1810 - 1889), English writer. “Of Education” Peek-a-boo, we see you! Further frivolous fun follows . . . on ‘MFOL!’  Bubble gum girl . . . Humans are the only animals on Earth that chew gum. If you give a monkey a piece of gum, the monkey will chew it for a couple of minutes, and then he will take the gum out of his mouth and stick it in his hair. How to Blow a Bubble 1. Take a piece of gum and chew it until the flavor is gone. 2. Stretch the gum around your tongue. 3. Blow air into the gum, and close your mouth to seal the bubble. 4. Peel the gum off your face and start all over again. Mary Had Some Bubble Gum Mary had some bubble gum, She chewed it long and slow, And everywhere that Mary went, Her gum was sure to go. She chewed the gum in school one day, Which was against the rule, The teacher took her pack away, And chewed it after school. -Author Unknown Studies have shown that chewing gum helps people concentrate. It’s true - in fact, right now we’re concentrating on the cinnamon-peach flavor of the chewing gum in our mouths! Seriously, though, chewing gum can help in studying for exams, tests, quizzes, and other brain-taxing endeavors. Tubby: Where is the best place to have a bubble gum bubble-blowing contest? Chubby: On a chew-chew train. People have enjoyed chewing gum-like substances in many lands and from very early times. Some of these materials were thickened resins and latexes from certain kinds of trees. Others were various sweet grasses, leaves, grains, and waxes. Modern chewing gum was originally made from the natural gum chicle, found in the sapodilla tree. Chicle is expensive, so other natural gums and chewy synthetic materials are also in use presently. Eunice: How did the chewing gum get across the road? Josie: By sticking to the chicken’s foot. William Wrigley, Junior originally got his start in the baking powder business in Chicago, Illinois. With each can of his baking powder, he included a free pack of chewing gum. However, when he learned people were buying the baking powder only because they wanted the gum, he stopped selling the baking powder altogether and focused solely on the gum. In 1893, he began selling two of the most popular chewing gums ever: Juicy Fruit and Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum. The rest is history . . . “For some reason, chewing gum for me gets my brain going.” -Brie Larson Chocolate-flavored chewing gum is not possible because the cocoa butter in chocolate acts as an emulsifier on the chewing gum base, making it too soft and ruining the chewability of the product. You can test this yourself by putting a piece of chocolate and a piece of gum in your mouth at the same time and chewing them together.  Studies have shown that chewing sugarless gum sweetened with xylitol has an antibacterial action. It fights bacteria that cause tooth decay. Gum also increases the flow of saliva, which dilutes acid produced by bacteria. Saliva also contains calcium and phosphorous minerals that can help to repair soft spots in tooth enamel, actually healing early tooth decay.
Eugene: What did the shoe say to the chewing gum? Wallace: “Stick with me, and we’ll go places.” During World War 2, American military personnel spread the popularity of chewing gum by trading it and giving it as a gift to people in Europe, Africa, Asia, and other parts of the world. Cinnamon, spearmint, and peppermint are among the most popular flavors of chewing gum today. You probably won’t want to go out and nibble on any tires after reading this, but the fact is that chewing gum is made from rubber, just like the tires on bicycles and automobiles. No wonder rodents like to chew the insulation off wires - it’s like chewing gum for them! Cheryl: Would you like some ABC gum? Daryl: What’s ABC gum? Cheryl: It’s ‘Already Been Chewed’ gum. Daryl: No, thanks! Chewing gum is a very stable product. It has a non-reactive nature and low moisture content. Because of this, chewing gum retains its quality for a longer time than most other food products - so long, in fact, that in most countries, chewing gum is not required by law to be labeled with an expiration date. Chewing gum can, however, become brittle and lose some of its flavor as it ages, but the product will still remain safe to chew. “Does the spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?” -Billy Rose: title of song (1924), music by Ernest Breuer; revived in 1959 by Lonnie Donegan with the title “Does your chewing-gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?” On 28 December 1869, a patent for an ‘improved’ type of chewing gum was obtained by dentist William Finley Semple of Mount Vernon, Ohio. He combined rubber with chalk, powdered licorice root, and other substances to make his gum. The resulting gum purportedly cleaned the teeth and strengthened the jaw. Other types of chewing gum did exist prior to Mr. Semple’s product, including a ‘State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum’ made by John B. Curtis starting in 1848 and an earlier patent for chewing gum obtained by Toledo, Ohio resident Amos Tyler on 27 July 1869. Mr. Tyler’s gum was made of white rosin and olive oil, which he heated and mixed together. Once it cooled, he cut it into strips, or sticks, and packaged each piece individually. Of course, prior to all of this, chewing gum had been around for thousands of years of human history, but it was of a simpler form and not widely sold commercially to the public. Chewing gum burns about 11 calories per hour. Modern chewing gum emerged from a series of failures. American inventor Thomas Adams had tried for an entire year to use chicle as a substitute for rubber in waterproof boots, rainwear, and toys. Mr. Adams was frustrated when the experiments did not work as he had hoped, and he was ready to throw away all of the remaining chicle. Then a visit to a drug store gave him an idea. There, he overheard a girl ask for a penny’s worth of paraffin wax candy, and he recalled that chicle had been chewed by people for many centuries. By 1870, he had developed a chewing gum manufacturing process, for which he obtained United States Patent #111,798 issued on 14 February 1871. He sold his product as ‘Adams’ New York Gum No. 1.’ In 1871, he made a licorice-flavored gum called Black Jack, the first flavored chewing gum. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Oswald. Oswald, who? Oswald my chewing gum! The color of the first successful bubble gum was pink because it was the only color the inventor had. The color ‘stuck,’ and today, bubble gum is still predominantly pink. In 1919 in Lockport, New York, United States of America, a Baptist minister named W. H. Mason invented the first modern gumball machine, which he patented and turned over to his son, Ford Mason, who began manufacturing the machines in the basement of his father’s church. Ford Gum & Machine Company soon began producing gumballs, too, and the younger Mason spent a decade perfecting ways to protect the candy from moisture condensation inside the see-through glass globes. A single drop of water would ruin the colors of a barrel of gumballs. Once he had invented a water-resistant glaze, a person could take a handful of glazed gumballs and hold them under a running faucet without the color coming off. Alike Yet Different Somehow The gum-chewing student, The cud-chewing cow, Somewhat alike, Yet different somehow. Just what is the difference - I think I know now - It’s the thoughtful look On the face of the cow. -Author Unknown The largest bubble ever blown was about 58 centimeters (23 inches) in diameter. The record was set on Tuesday 19 July 1994 by Susan Montgomery Williams of Fresno, California, United States of America. Hmmm, seems like that bubble might have been large enough to hold a small dog, a cat, a parakeet, and a goldfish inside it. Chewing gum while cutting onions can help keep people from producing tears. Chewing gum on an airplane will prevent a person’s ears from popping. Chewing gum makes the salivary glands produce 250 percent more saliva than is normally produced, so people swallow more. This helps balance the pressure in the head. Japanese chemists have invented ‘Mood Gum.’ Like the Mood Rings once popular in America, Mood Gum changes color when you are happy, sad, angry, and so forth. Chewing-gum was illegal in all of Eastern Europe until Czechoslovakia began manufacturing it in 1957. Poland and East Germany quickly followed suit, but it was not until 1976 that the Soviet Union lifted its ban on gum. Tourists who visit Singapore are allowed to bring gum with them, but only a maximum of two packs per person. Any more than that and they can be charged with ‘gum smuggling’ which carries the penalty of one year in jail and $5,500 fine. A doctor’s prescription may be required for chewing gum. Anyone caught leaving chewing gum in a public area can be charged with a monetary fine, community work, or commonly, a public beating with a bamboo stick. Do you have gum stuck in your hair, and you don’t want to cut your hair to get rid of the gum? It’s a sticky situation, but you can apply ice to the gum to make it cold and harden it, and then try to break it off in pieces. Or, you can use peanut butter or vegetable oil to soften the gum and then try to remove it. Afterward, wash your hair thoroughly. Better than cough drops? Cough drops are just candy, but the act of chewing gum may provide some real relief from the sore throat that frequently accompanies a cold, influenza (flu), and some other conditions, by stimulating the flow of saliva. Chewing gum first went into orbit when astronauts Edward Higgins White II and James Alton McDivitt smuggled the stuff onboard their space capsule during the Gemini IV mission that was launched on 3 June 1965 from Cape Canaveral, Florida, United States of America. Any guesses as to what percentage of people are incapable of blowing bubbles with gum? Get a clipboard, a pen, a piece of paper, and decide how you are going to word your question or questions. Now go out and begin asking people, writing down the number of people who say they can blow bubbles and the number of people who say they cannot blow bubbles. But wait, there are probably a statistically significant number of people who have never tried and therefore do not know if they can or cannot blow bubbles, and you will want to count those people also. As an inducement to get people to participate in your study, you might offer them each a piece of gum. When you have your results, please let us know. That is not all . . . we have much more humor for you on a huge variety of topics on ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ - just scroll down the page. We are people . . . being silly.  Matthew: How was copper wire invented? Matilda: Two cheapskates were fighting over a penny. A boy asked his father for twenty dollars. His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.” Miser’s tip: Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know. “If you really want your friends to remember you, give them something cheap.” -Author Unknown First man: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside? Second man: I want to extend the battery life, and so I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time. After being away on a business trip, Tim thought it would be nice to get his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $85. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $49. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $17 bottle. “What I mean is,” said Tim, “I’d like to see something really cheap.” So the clerk handed him a mirror. Overheard: I hate to always eat and run, but with the way I tip, it’s the only safe procedure! Bertie: What is the difference between a miser and a canary? Bernard: One is a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper. A man walked into a coffee shop and asked the waitress, “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is three dollars,” the waitress said. “How much is a refill?” the man asked. “Free,” said the waitress. “Great, then I’ll take a refill!” said the man. “I do not prize the word cheap. It is not a badge of honor . . . it is a symbol of despair. Cheap prices make for cheap goods; cheap goods make for cheap men; and cheap men make for a cheap country!” -William McKinley Ellie: Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer? Angela: Because every buck is dear to him! Free speech: Using someone else’s telephone. A Young Fellow Named B. B. A certain young fellow named B. B. Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe “But,” he said. “I must see What the minister’s fee be Before Phoebe be Phoebe B. B.” -Author Unknown If you want to find cheap EBay auctions, go to www.FatFingers.com and type in what you are looking for. It will search all listings with incorrect spellings - which means very few people can find them - which means c-h-e-a-p! The following anecdote is about the Austrian poet Peter Altenberg. “Though in fact he maintained a very solid bank balance, Mr. Altenberg had a mania for begging. The poet and critic Karl Kraus tells how Altenberg besought him again and again to give him a hundred kronen, and on every occasion Mr. Kraus refused him. Finally, his patience at an end, Kraus burst out, “Look Peter, I’d gladly give it to you, but I really, really don’t have the money.” “Very well, I’ll lend it to you,” said Altenberg.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard (editors): “Bartlett’s Book of Anecdotes” (2000)  “There is always a little more toothpaste in the tube. Think about it.” -Bill Bryson (born in 1951): “Notes from a Big Country” (1999)
Good Places to Look for ‘Pennies from Heaven’ - Around parking meters. - Under coin-operated vending machines. - On the sidewalks when you go for long walks. - In outdoor water fountains. - Under the bleachers at sports events. - In laundromats. - In parking lots. - Under amusement park rides. Michelle: Why do misers like paper money more than coins? Shelly: When they put it in their pockets they double it, when they take it out, it’s ‘in creases.’ “He who is frugal is the richest of men, and the miser is the poorest.” - Nicolas Chamfort (1741 - 1794): “Maxims and Thoughts” (1796), as translated by W. S. Merwin (1984) In 1955, the richest woman in the world was Mrs. Hetty Green Wilks, who left an estate of $95 million in a will that was found in a tin box with four pieces of carefully saved soap. Overheard: I am such a cheapskate that I do not even have skates! “I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, ‘It’s free with purchase.’ I asked her if anyone bought anything today.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born in 1955)) Misers make great ancestors. There are money-saving devices, as for example, attachments that fit over tubes of toothpaste to allow every bit of toothpaste to be squeezed out; however, the problem with such devices is that you have to part with some money to have them. “A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich.” -William Shenstone (1714 - 1763) A miser was at the top of a ladder when a coin fell from his pocket. He was hit on the head by the coin as it reached the ground. “I pity the man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth will starve in the process.” -Benjamin Harrison Have you heard about the cheapskate who was pleased with himself because he had married a woman who was born on 29 February? He would only have to buy her a birthday present once every four years! Gerard: How many misers does it take to change a light bulb? Jeremy: None - misers are so cheap that they would rather sit in the dark than buy a new light bulb! And then there was the miser who took his date to the beach and told her ‘shady’ stories so that he would not have to rent an umbrella . . . Keepsakes of a Cheapskate Empty cardboard boxes, Meters of old string, I am a cheapskate, and I will save any old thing. My bed is a rubber dingy That washed up on the shore I am miserly and stingy - But I won’t sleep on the floor. -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Melba: What do misers do when it is cold? Blaine: They sit around a candle. Brenda: What do misers do when it is really, really cold? Belinda: They light the candle! Miser: A rich pauper. An Old Man of El Hums There was an old man of El Hums, Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, Which he picked off the ground, With the other birds round, In the roads and the lanes of El Hums. -Author Unknown One old geezer was so miserly that he kept a brown paper bag in the attic of his house, labeled ‘Pieces of String Too Short to Use.’ Now you, too, can join us by standing up and proudly proclaiming, “I am a cheapskate!” Why be miserly with your humor - share a little of it with the rest of us! Please send your favorite jokes, quotes, facts, and other stuff about ‘Cheapskates and Misers’ to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com, and if it meets our standards for wholesomeness, it will appear on this website. Be sure to tell all of your cheap friends about us . . . and whether you are miserly or not yourself, do not forget to MFOL! (Make Fun Of Life!)  There is no such thing as ghosts . . . there is no such thing as ghosts . . . there is no such thing as ghosts. Aa-aaa-aaaah-aaa-aa! It’s a ghost! Run!
Edith: What should you do when you see a ghost? Edwin: Hope the ghost does not see you! “The house ghost is usually a harmless and well-meaning creature. It is put up with as long as possible. It brings good luck to those who live with it.” -William Butler Yeats: “The Celtic Twilight” (1902), page 32 Horace: When do ghosts usually appear? Horatio: Just before someone screams. Ghosts and Apparitions Facts - Ghosts seem to want to be noticed. - When a ghost is present, people often feel a chill or a cold sensation. - Ghosts may appear as mists or vapors. - Ghosts can make clearly audible sounds as well as very faint sounds. - Ghosts, like people, come in many different types: good, bad, friendly, unfriendly, polite, rude, and so forth. - Most ghosts either cannot or will not hurt you; however, you can injure yourself as you rush to get away from them. - Ghosts sometimes hang out in groups with other ghosts. - Ghosts make friends with other ghosts from different eras. - Ghosts that lived hundreds of years ago can keep up with recent trends. - A ghost is behind you right now - just kidding! Elaine: Why did the ghost cross the road? Eileen: To get to the other side - the spirit side! Spirits can become more active at night, possibly due to a reduced electronic disturbance from appliances and other devices, which compete with or drown out ghostly apparitions. For this reason, you are more likely to detect ghostly disturbances when televisions and washing machines are not in use and your house is quiet. Bertie: Where do ghosts get their mail? Gertie: At the ghost office. Ghosts appear in four of William Shakespeare’s plays: “Julius Caesar,” “Richard III,” “Hamlet,” and “Macbeth.” Carla: What did the little ghost order at the restaurant? Marla: Spookghetti. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through floors? Phasmophobia is a persistent fear of ghosts or of phantoms. People with this phobia may fear going into empty houses or dark spaces, and may react with alarm to strange and unexplained noises, and have a strong opposition to watching ghost movies. ‘Phasmo’ is Greek for ‘apparition’ or ‘phantom’ and ‘phobia’ is Greek for ‘fear.’ Phasmophobia is also referred to as spectrophobia. Clarence: What do ghosts put on their bagels? Terrance: Scream cheese! Tables Turned The ghost of bold Ned Kelly came to haunt my Auntie Nellie, but when it saw her in the light it was the ghost that got the fright. -Michael Dugan Albert Einstein himself may have postulated a scientific basis for the existence of ghosts. Since energy cannot be created or destroyed, but can only change form, could life-force energy manifest in ghostly form when physical life ceases? Al: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Lex: Booberries. Danielle: What do ghosts like for dessert? Daniel: I scream! Michelle: What do ghosts like on top of their I scream? Marcel: Whipped scream and boo-scaries! Have you ever heard your name spoken when no one is around? It could be that a ghost is trying to get your attention. Spooky! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Freighter. Freighter, who? Freighter ghosts, are you?! Ghosts have a sense of humor and love to hear humans laugh. Rachelle: What is a ghost’s favorite breakfast? Raquel: Ghost toasties with boo-berries. Ghosts can leave behind certain scents, such as that of perfume, and they like the smell of lemons. Nellie: Why did the mommy ghost take her ghost child to the doctor? Kelly: She was worried because he was in such good spirits. Ghosts do not sleep, so if you hear a strange whisper in your ear while you are sleeping, it may be a ghost. Bob: Do ghosts make good pets? Rob: Only if they are housebroken. Animals seem to be able to sense ghosts or spirits, and that is why they may sometimes be seen staring intensely at what appears to be nothing, perhaps even showing signs of being ‘spooked,’ such as barking, hissing, whimpering, or acting frightened of something undetected by human senses. Glenard: What happened when the ghosts went on strike? Leonard: A skeleton crew took over. Ghosts seem to be more active at night, possibly because it takes less effort for them to appear, or ‘manifest’ themselves, at that time. Wendell: What is the first thing a ghost does when she gets into a car? Kendall: She boo-ckles her seatbelt. Children are more likely to see ghosts than adults are, and children may perceive ghosts as being their ‘imaginary friends.’ Ghost: I hear you have a new ghoul friend. Vampire: Yes, it was love at first fright. Ghost: It’s no wonder. She’s so boo-tiful. Ghosts like to climb up and down stairs and walk in hallways. Perhaps they can only manifest themselves in the physical world by motion or exertion (effort). Pat: What did the ghost say to Santa Claus? Rick: “I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.” Ghosts are often protective of the places they haunt, and may even jealously guard the individuals and families in those places - if they are not trying to drive them away. Shelia: What sport is popular with ghosts? Ophelia: Shadow boxing. Some alleged hauntings are actually ‘residual occurrences,’ or past events that replay themselves over and over, like the echoes of a sound or the ripples made by a disturbance in a pond. History very much tends to repeat itself in this kind of scenario. History very much tends to repeat itself in this kind of scenario. History very much tends to repeat itself in this kind of scenario. Meredith: What did the mother ghost tell her baby ghost at the dinner table? Merry: “Quit goblin your food.” Ghosts glide across the golden grass gathering goblins and grabbing grasshoppers. They giggle and glide above the ground. -Author Unknown Often ghosts do not seem to know that they are no longer living persons. They seem to exist in a permanent state of confusion, almost as if they are imprisoned in a dream from which they cannot awaken. Many ghosts are happy, but some appear to be experiencing emotional pain. Some ghosts retain all of the memories and emotions of being alive, while other ghosts seem to have forgotten everything, as though in a state of amnesia. Knock, knock. Who’s there? A ghost boo. A ghost boo, who? Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Erma: What does a mother ghost say to her child when they get into the car? Ernie: “Fasten your sheet belt!” If you like having a ghost around, say something nice to it, like: “You’re really spooktacular and really great at haunting.” If you find being haunted bothersome, simply ask the ghost to leave, as they often will do just as they are asked. Say something like, “I know you are here but you are scaring me, please leave.” Henny: What haunts your house and clucks? Penny: A poultry-gheist! A noisy, troublesome ghost is known as a ‘poltergeist,’ a word derived from the German words ‘poltern’ meaning to ‘create a disturbance’ and ‘geist’ meaning ‘ghost.’ They are pranksters who use their ghostly energies to move things and make noises. For example, they can cause objects to levitate or make sounds such as door-knocking and chain-rattling. Oscar: Why did the game warden ticket the ghost? Carla: He was haunting without a license. During Woodrow Wilson’s presidency, his wife Edith Wilson ordered the gardeners to dig up Dolly Madison’s prized rose garden. It is said that Dolly Madison’s spirit turned up and put such a fear of ghosts into the workmen that they fled without turning over a single shovel-full of the soil. The garden still continues to bloom, having been in place for about two centuries now. Elmer: What goes, “Boo, putty, putty, putty, boo, putty, putty, putty”? Marla: A ghost replacing a broken window. Cellphones Spook Ghosts. According to an expert in England, mobile phones are making ghosts disappear. Tony Cornell of the Society for Psychical Research told a British newspaper called the “Sunday Express” that reports of ghost sightings began to decline when mobile phones were introduced. “Ghost sightings have remained consistent for centuries” said Cornell, of Cambridge in Eastern England. “But with the introduction of mobile phones fifteen years ago, ghost sightings began to decline to the point where now we are receiving none.” Apparently paranormal events, which some scientists put down to unusual electrical activity, could be drowned out by the electronic noise produced by phone calls and text messages. Helen: What is a little ghost’s favorite game? Ellen: Hide-and-shriek. Laddie: What game do baby ghosts like to play? Lassie: Peek-a-boo! Todd: What do you get when you cross a ghost and an elephant? Maude: A great big nothing. Spirits can manifest in various ways, including orbs, streaks of light, dark shadows, mists, and strange blurs. Full-body apparitions are possible, but rare. Jimmy: What is a ghost’s favorite kind of music? Jeremy: Haunting melodies. Ghosts and Apparitions Quiz - Have you ever seen a ghost? - Have you ever felt the presence of a ghost? - Is it harmful to believe in ghosts? - Do plants have ghosts? - Do animals have ghosts? - Do you know any ghost stories? - Would a ghost make a good pet or friend? Rob: Where do ghosts send their little girls? Roy: To all-ghouls schools. Overheard: During the day, I do not believe in ghosts, but at night, I am a little more open-minded! Ronald: What did one ghost say to the other ghost? Donald: “Do you believe in people?” Riddle: What is spooky and scares people - but is also is nervous and jumpy? Answer: A ghost that is afraid of ghosts. Hey, it’s all just for fun! If there were real ghosts, you can be sure that the folks at Make Fun Of Life! would be interviewing them right now to find out if they know any silly jokes or interesting facts . . . yet one can never be entirely sure, because there are many places in our world that have not yet been fully explored, and ghosts may be there waiting for us - we’re kidding. Now go have fun with your life!  Bird Watcher 1: What kind of bird is that? Bird Watcher 2: A gulp. Bird Watcher 1: A gulp? Never heard of that bird before. Bird Watcher 2: Yes, it’s like a swallow, only bigger. Albatrosses can sleep while flying. They apparently doze while cruising through the air at 40 kilometers (25 miles) per hour. Thirty Dirty Purple Birds Corner Third and Thirty-Third, Thirty dirty purple birds Sittin’ on the curb Eatin’ worms And chirpin’ an’ slurpin’. Along came Myrtle And her girlfriend Gertie. Boy, were they perturbed. -Author Unknown “There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before.” -Robert Lynd (Robert Wilson Lynd (1879 - 1949)): “The Blue Lion and Other Essays” (1923) Clifford: What has eight wheels and flies? Buford: A bird on roller skates. Ornithophobia is a persistent fear of birds. People with ornithophobia may experience anxiety about encountering or being attacked by birds. Ornithophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘ornithos’ meaning ‘bird’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ Like most fears, it is learned or conditioned into its sufferers, and therefore, can be learned or conditioned right back out of them. A good way to start would be by learning a little about birdkind. Riddle: What has three wings, three eyes, and two beaks? Solution: A bird with spare parts. “Wise birds build their nests sturdy enough to withstand the many and varied storms of life.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Parnell: What do you call two birds in love? Marcella: Tweethearts! Chickens, pigeons, cranes, quails, and ducks bob their head when they walk. Researchers believe they do this because head-bobbing helps them with balance, provides depth perception, and sharpens their vision. Brenda: What kind of bird can write? Belinda: A pen-guin. Bird Facts - An adult male bird is called a cock or a rooster. - An adult female bird is called a hen. - A young bird is called a fledgling, a nestling, a hatchling, or a chick. - The plural of bird is birds. - Birds have wings and feathers that enable them to fly. - The sounds made by birds are called chirping, chirruping, crying, singing, tweeting, twittering, and whistling. - Birds sing to mark their territories against encroachment by other birds. - Birds lay eggs from which chicks hatch. - A group of birds is called a flock. - A group of birds in the air is called a flight. - A person who studies birds is called an ornithologist “I searched for the bluebird of happiness, and found the chicken of despair.” -Author Unknown “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .” -S. Wright Abby: If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? Gail: A bagel. According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands once carried the identification of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as ‘Wash. Biol. Surv.’ The agency received the following letter from a hunter: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.” The bands have since been changed and are now marked ‘Fish and Wildlife Service.’ Are birds given to ‘flights of fancy’? Bert: What kind of birds flock together? Curt: Velcrows. How sadly the bird in his cage Watches the butterflies. -Issa: haiku Len: What do you call a bird in the wintertime? Lin: A brrrd! Most birds eat about twice their body weight each day, but because birds are lightweight animals, the total amount of food is small. Flying birds must be lightweight and yet have powerful flight muscles to be able to fly. Their bones and feather shafts are hollow to help keep their weight as low as possible. The Stork Here’s to the stork, A most valuable bird, That inhabits the residence districts - He doesn’t sing tunes, Nor yield any plumes, But he helps out the vital statistics. -Author Unknown All of the hard work and risk in being a bird may just be worth it, because flight is a remarkable thing for a living creature to be able to do. Wendell: Why did the sea bird hang out at the jewelry store? Wendy: Because diamonds are a gull’s best friend. “Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow.” -Author Unknown Hope: What class did Tweety Bird ace in school? Faith: Twigonometry. The early bird gets the worm, and the night owl dines on mice; each to his or her own best way. Hubert: Why did the crows sit on a telephone wire? Humphrey: They wanted to make a long-distance caw. “We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.” -John Webster  Any Bird
I haven’t a palace, I haven’t a throne, There isn’t a thing In the world I own. I bathe in the bird-bath, I perch on the trees; I come and I go Whenever I please. But everyone’s garden Is open and free, There’s always a crumb Or a worm there for me. I fly where I will, By woodland or sea; The whole world is mine; I’m as rich as can be. -Ilo Orleans “Feathered friends flock together in all kinds of weather because there is strength in numbers and other benefits to friendship.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Sparrow: Try to be nice. Jay: Owl try! The hummingbird, the loon, the swift, the kingfisher, and the grebe are birds that, sadly, cannot walk. But if you yourself have fully functioning legs, you can walk, and therefore, you should walk . . . and these birds . . . will continue to fly . . . with wings . . . that you and I, sadly, do not have. “Why do birds sing in the morning? It’s the triumphant shout: ‘We got through another night!’” -Enid Bagnold Heath: Why was the cockatoo first in line at the beauty parlor? Heather: Because the early bird gets the perm. ________________________________________________________ Tips for Becoming a Backyard Birder Decide what types of birds you want to attract before building a feeding station, birdhouse, birdbath, and so forth. Different species of birds eat different seeds. If you want to attract just one type of bird, find out what type of seeds and other foods it eats. If you want different species of birds to visit, use a mixture of seeds and other foods. If you put out food, water, and shelter for birds, be aware that other animals and insects may also be attracted to those same things, so if you want only the birds, you must take steps to keep out the other creatures. For example, you can install squirrel guards (wrap-around cones made from sheet metal or plastic) to discourage squirrels from climbing the pole on which a feeder is mounted. In the winter, birds need suet, a kind of fat, in their diet, which their bodies burn to keep them warm in the freezing cold. Once you start feeding and watering wild birds, you are obligated to continue feeding and watering them through the entire season, including up until they have raised their young and their young have flown out of the nests to live on their own. ________________________________________________________ Bobby: What do you give to birds when they are ill? Robby: A tweetment. “It is the beautiful bird which gets caged.” -Author Unknown: proverb Birds are believed to have evolved from meat-eating theropod dinosaurs that lived during the Mesozoic Era, roughly 150 million years ago. Early birds, such as Archaeopteryx, had teeth in their mouths and claws on their wings. “A chipper chickadee chirping cheerily chanced to perch upon Chris Kringle’s Christmas tree.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) A man went into a pet shop and said, “Do you have any birds?” The shop keeper replied, “Yes, we have three birds: a square bird, a circle bird, and a triangle bird.” “I think I’ll take the square bird.” “Okay,” said the shop keeper, “here’s your bird, but keep it away from other shapes.” So the man took the bird to his square home in his square car. Then he found the bird a square cage and put it in a square room with square objects in it. Soon the bird learned to talk, so the man had a party in the bird’s honor. When everyone was quiet the bird gave a little talk, and then everyone gave it a ‘round’ of applause - and the ‘square’ bird just about fainted! Condor Said the condor, in tones of despair: “Not even the atmosphere’s rare. Since man took to flying, It’s really too trying, The people one meets in the air.” -Oliver Herford “God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.” -Jacques Deval: “Afin de vivre bel et bien” (“To Live Well and Truly”) (1969) Puffin: A bird that is always out of breath. Be like the bird in flight - Pausing awhile on boughs too slight, Feels them give way beneath her; yet sings Knowing yet; that she has wings. -Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885)) “My heart is like a singing bird.” -Christina Giorgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894): “A Birthday” (1861) Three Little Birds There were three little birds in a wood, Who always sang hymns when they could. What the words were about They could never make out, But they felt they were doing some good. -Author Unknown Some bird species are intelligent enough to create and use tools. “God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.” -J. G. Holland (Josiah Gilbert Holland (1819 - 1881)) Mark: What goes, “Fweet, fweet, fweet!”? Clark: A bird with a mouth full of crackers. “Birds of a feather flock together because we can get where we are going with greater certainty, safely, and speed when we are in the company of others with the same aims in life.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Time to Rise A birdie with a yellow bill Hopped upon my window sill, Cocked his shining eye and said: “Ain’t you ’shamed, you sleepy-head!” -Robert Louis Stevenson Not all flying animals are birds, and not all birds can fly. The ability to fly has developed independently in animals many times throughout the history of the Earth. Bats are flying mammals, pterosaurs are flying reptiles from the time of the dinosaurs, and flying insects can take to the air, but none of these creatures are birds. Flightless birds include kiwis, ostriches, and penguins. Rhoda: Why do birds sometimes stand on one leg? Ronda: Because if they stood on no legs, they would fall over. “I feel like a tiny bird with a big song!” -Jerry Van Amerongen “When the bird and the book disagree, always believe the bird.” -John James Audubon (1785 - 1851), commenting on field guides “Two sparrows on the same ear of corn are not long friends.” -Author Unknown Serves Him Right There was an old man on a hill Who said to the birds, “Oh, be still!” One bird, just for that, Built a nest in his hat And pecked both his ears with its bill. -John Ciardi To learn more about birds, visit the Audubon Society at www.audobon.org. Marilyn: Where do birds go on Halloween? Clara: They go trick or tweeting! Birds If I were a bird, I’d sing a song And fly about the whole day long And when the night came Go to rest, up in my cozy little nest. -Author Unknown We’re just an itty-bitty website in a great big internet pond, but we sure can ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ . . . and we encourage everyone else to do likewise.  You might think they are joking . . . “An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972) “A stumbling block to the pessimist is a stepping stone to the optimist.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)) “Pessimists only ever see clouds, while optimists see clouds and have the faith to believe that the Sun still shines brightly behind them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Optimist and Pessimist Twixt optimist and pessimist, The difference is droll: The optimist sees the doughnut, The pessimist sees the hole. -McLandburgh Wilson (Florence McLandburgh (1850 - 1934)): poem (1915) (droll: amusing in an odd way) “It can be done.” -Author Unknown “You will find yourself refreshed by the presence of cheerful people. Why not make earnest effort to confer that pleasure on others? Half the battle is gained if you never allow yourself to say anything gloomy.” -Lydia M. Child (Lydia Marie Child (1802 - 1880)) Denise: Why is Darth Vader such a pessimist? Dennis: Because he is always looking on the Dark Side of things. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” -Herm Albright (1876 - 1944) “A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities; an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.” -Reginald B. Mansell (Reginald Baynes Mansell (1897 - 1945)) “Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.” -Mary Lou Retton “If I regarded my life from the point of view of the pessimist, I should be undone. I should seek in vain for the light that does not visit my eyes and the music that does not ring in my ears. I should beg night and day and never be satisfied. I should sit apart in awful solitude, a prey to fear and despair. But since I consider it a duty to myself and to others to be happy, I escape a misery worse than any physical deprivation.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968)) “Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and true progress.” -Nicholas Murray Butler (1862 - 1947) “An optimistic point of view will always look much better on you!” -Susan Librener “No sense in being pessimistic - it probably wouldn’t work anyway.” -Author Unknown “An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?” -René Descartes (1596 - 1650) “The optimist regards the future as uncertain.” -Eugene Paul Wigner “I’m so optimistic I’d go after Moby Dick in a row boat and take the tartar sauce with me.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012)) “Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster; it’s a cha-cha.” -Robert Brault Overheard: Pessimism is contagious. You catch it from watching the news shows on television. “One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.” -Lucille Ball (1911 - 1989) “If the pessimists aren’t happy now, they never will be!” -Author Unknown “Real optimism has reason to complain but prefers to smile.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994) Pessimist: A person who says ‘o’ is the last letter of zero, instead of the first letter of opportunity. “Stick with the optimists. It’s going to be tough enough even if they’re right.” -James Reston (James Barrett ‘Scotty’ Reston (1909 - 1995)) “A pessimist looks at his glass and says it is half empty; an optimist looks at it and says it is half full.” -Josiah Stamp (1880 - 1941): as attributed in the “New York Times” (13 November 1935) newspaper “An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.” -Tom Nansbury Ted: Do you want to hear a joke about a pessimist? Theo: I doubt it - it is probably stupid anyway, and therefore, I would not like it. “I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.” -Simon Sinek “Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people. A ship can sail around the world many, many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind: Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship.” -Alfred A. Montapert “The basis of optimism is sheer terror.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900)) “Criticism and pessimism destroy families, undermine institutions of all kinds, defeat nearly everyone, and spread a shroud of gloom over entire nations.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008)) Optimist: The glass is half-full. Pessimist: The glass is half-empty. Efficiency Expert: The glass is twice the required size. “Real optimism knows the difficulties but believes they can be overcome.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994) “An optimist is one who makes the best of it when he gets the worst of it.” -Laurence J. Peter (Laurence Johnston Peter (1919 - 1990)) You might think they are joking . . . “An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972) “A stumbling block to the pessimist is a stepping stone to the optimist.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)) “Pessimists only ever see clouds, while optimists see clouds and have the faith to believe that the Sun still shines brightly behind them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) Optimist and Pessimist Twixt optimist and pessimist, The difference is droll: The optimist sees the doughnut, The pessimist sees the hole. -McLandburgh Wilson (Florence McLandburgh (1850 - 1934)): poem (1915) (droll: amusing in an odd way) “It can be done.” -Author Unknown “You will find yourself refreshed by the presence of cheerful people. Why not make earnest effort to confer that pleasure on others? Half the battle is gained if you never allow yourself to say anything gloomy.” -Lydia M. Child (Lydia Marie Child (1802 - 1880)) Denise: Why is Darth Vader such a pessimist? Dennis: Because he is always looking on the Dark Side of things. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” -Herm Albright (1876 - 1944) “A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities; an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.” -Reginald B. Mansell (Reginald Baynes Mansell (1897 - 1945)) “Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.” -Mary Lou Retton “If I regarded my life from the point of view of the pessimist, I should be undone. I should seek in vain for the light that does not visit my eyes and the music that does not ring in my ears. I should beg night and day and never be satisfied. I should sit apart in awful solitude, a prey to fear and despair. But since I consider it a duty to myself and to others to be happy, I escape a misery worse than any physical deprivation.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968)) “Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and true progress.” -Nicholas Murray Butler (1862 - 1947) “An optimistic point of view will always look much better on you!” -Susan Librener “No sense in being pessimistic - it probably wouldn’t work anyway.” -Author Unknown “An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?” -René Descartes (1596 - 1650) “The optimist regards the future as uncertain.” -Eugene Paul Wigner “I’m so optimistic I’d go after Moby Dick in a row boat and take the tartar sauce with me.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012)) “Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster; it’s a cha-cha.” -Robert Brault Overheard: Pessimism is contagious. You catch it from watching the news shows on television. “One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.” -Lucille Ball (1911 - 1989) “If the pessimists aren’t happy now, they never will be!” -Author Unknown “Real optimism has reason to complain but prefers to smile.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994) Pessimist: A person who says ‘o’ is the last letter of zero, instead of the first letter of opportunity. “Stick with the optimists. It’s going to be tough enough even if they’re right.” -James Reston (James Barrett ‘Scotty’ Reston (1909 - 1995)) “A pessimist looks at his glass and says it is half empty; an optimist looks at it and says it is half full.” -Josiah Stamp (1880 - 1941): as attributed in the “New York Times” (13 November 1935) newspaper “An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.” -Tom Nansbury Ted: Do you want to hear a joke about a pessimist? Theo: I doubt it - it is probably stupid anyway, and therefore, I would not like it. “I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.” -Simon Sinek “Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people. A ship can sail around the world many, many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind: Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship.” -Alfred A. Montapert “The basis of optimism is sheer terror.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900)) “Criticism and pessimism destroy families, undermine institutions of all kinds, defeat nearly everyone, and spread a shroud of gloom over entire nations.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (Gordon Bitner Hinckley (1910 - 2008)) Optimist: The glass is half-full. Pessimist: The glass is half-empty. Efficiency Expert: The glass is twice the required size. “Real optimism knows the difficulties but believes they can be overcome.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994) “An optimist is one who makes the best of it when he gets the worst of it.” -Laurence J. Peter (Laurence Johnston Peter (1919 - 1990)) “I’ve never seen a monument erected to a pessimist.” -Paul Harvey (1918 - 2009)  “Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.” -Gil Stern
“I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965)) “How happy are the pessimists! What joy is theirs when they have proved there is no joy.” -Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830 - 1916): as quoted in Maturin M. Ballou: “Edge-Tools of Speech” (1886), page 251 “Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012)) The Pessimist Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes To keep one from going nude. Nothing to breathe but air Quick as a flash it is gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, Nothing to weep but tears, Nothing to bury but dead. Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack! Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back. Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst, Nothing to have but what we’ve got; Thus thro’ life we are cursed. Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that goes. Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes. -Benjamin Franklin King (1857 - 1894) “Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist.” -Robert G. Allen “Pessimism leads to weakness, optimism to power.” -William James (1842 - 1910) “The best things in life are free . . . and so are the worst things.” -Author Unknown “As I say yes to life, life says yes to me!” -Louise L. Hay (Louise Lynn Hay (born in 1926)) “The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” -Lawrence Pearsall Jacks “The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life.” -Author Unknown So a pessimist walked into a restaurant and said, “You’re closed, aren’t you?” “An optimist is the human personification of spring.” -Susan J. Bissonette ________________________________________________________ The Hymn of the Pessimist My grandpa notes the world’s worn cogs, And says we’re going to the dogs. His grandpa in his house of logs, Said things were going to the dogs. His grandpa in the Flemish bogs, Said things were going to the dogs. His grandpa in his hairy togs, Said things were going to the dogs. But this is what I wish to state, The dogs have had an awful wait. -Author Unknown ________________________________________________________ “A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.” -Author Unknown “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” -Bill Vaughan (1915 - 1977) “What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.” -Chuck Palahniuk: “Survivor” (17 February 1999) “No one has ever injured his eyesight by looking on the bright side of things!” -Author Unknown “Pessimists are usually right and optimists are usually wrong but all the great changes have been accomplished by optimists.” -Thomas L. Friedman “An optimist is a person who undertakes a seemingly impossible task in a spirit of immeasurable enthusiasm, unbounded determination, unbelievable excitement, indestructible confidence, uncompromising thoroughness, and indefatigable persistence . . . with understandable success.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994) “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born in 1955)) “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” -James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958): “The Silver Stallion” (1926) “A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972) “Optimist: A happychondriac.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)) “When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994) “Optimism is the one quality more associated with success and happiness than any other.” -Brian Tracy (born in 1944) “In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.” -Daniel L. Reardon “Be courageous. Change and improve each day. Do your best and don’t look back. See learning and change as opportunities. Try new things. Consider several options. Meet new people. Ask lots of questions. Keep track of your mental and physical health. Be optimistic.” -Donald Martin Pessimist: A person who views the world through woes-colored glasses. Overheard: I would like to be an optimist, but I doubt that it would work out. “One day someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, ‘Is it half full or half empty?’ So I drank the water. No more problem.” -Alexander Jodorowsky Marcella: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? Marcia: None; a new one will not work any better than the burned-out one did. The optimist says, “My cup runneth over, what a blessing.” The pessimist says, “My cup runneth over, what a mess.” “Don’t ever become a pessimist . . . a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun - and neither can stop the march of events.” -Robert A. Heinlein (Robert Anson Heinlein (1907 - 1988)): “Time Enough for Love” (1973) Life is good - who are we kidding - life is great! If you would like to add to the ‘Pessimists and Optimists’ topic, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.  Now there is a face that will wake up sleepy eyes! If you find this picture shocking, you may be equally shocked by what follows . . . “My photographs don’t do me justice - they just look like me.” -Phyllis Diller: as quoted in Ed Morrow, Sheree Byofsky, and Rita Rosenkranz: “Put Your House on a Diet” (11 August 2005) “My father used to call me the laughing hyena.” -Phyllis Diller “Laughing is a wonderful thing. It’s the most healthful thing you can do this side of walking.” -Phyllis Diller: in “Archive of American Television” (8 March 2000) In more than one interview of Phyllis Diller, she claimed the book “The Magic of Believing” (1948) by Claude M. Bristol (Claude Myron Bristol (1891 - 1951)) was instrumental in her success. She said she read and reread it for 2 years, marking the pages and studying them. Diller started her career on the radio in 1952. Soon she began filming a television show. After doing radio, television, and stand-up gigs for several years, Diller began working with Bob Hope in several movies. She also went with Bob Hope to Vietnam in 1967 on a United Service Organizations troupe tour. “Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.” -Phyllis Diller Phyllis Diller began her career as a stand-up comedian at 37 years of age in 1954. “I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.” -Phyllis Diller: “Peninsula Daily News” (21 August 2012)  Phyllis Diller, shown without the exaggerated theatrical effects (makeup, costume, props, and stage persona (personality)). Many performers, including actors, clowns, and comedians, are remarkably like us regular folks, until they ‘get into character’ and take on their alternate identities. “Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won’t run.” -Phyllis Diller “A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Karen Weekes: “Women Know Everything!” (2007) “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Bill Adler: “Funny Ladies: The Best Humor from America’s Funniest Women” (23 February 2001) “Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.” -Phyllis Diller: “Phyllis Diller’s Housekeeping Hints” (1966) “It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.” -Phyllis Diller “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Lawrence Dorfman: “The Snark Handbook: Parenting Edition” (1 March 2013) “I consider ‘working mother’ the most hideous redundancy.” -Phyllis Diller: in “Archive of American Television” (8 March 2000) “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Karen Weekes: “Women Know Everything!” (2007) “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing . . . I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.” -Phyllis Diller “The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in the “Peninsula Daily News” (21 August 2012) “One night, I answered the door with a broom in my hand. A guy tried to sell me flight insurance.” -Phyllis Diller, in the “MDA Telethon” (2000) “Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Geoff Tibballs: “The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes” (2004) “There is such a build-up of crud in my oven there is only room to bake a single cupcake.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Robert Byrne: “The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said” (14 January 2003) “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.” -Phyllis Diller Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller: “Phyllis Diller’s Housekeeping Hints” (1966) “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Wendy Toliver: “The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Inspirational Quotes” (1 January 2005) “In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old, but now seems insane.” -Phyllis Diller “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Lawrence Dorfman: “The Snark Handbook: Parenting Edition” (1 March 2013) “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” -Phyllis Diller “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Karen Weekes: “Women Know Everything!” (2007) “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” -Phyllis Diller “The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” -Phyllis Diller, commenting on the game of golf “The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Karen Weekes: “Women Know Everything!” (2007) Phyllis Diller’s career in comedy and entertainment included movies, television appearances, voice over work, stand-up, and authoring several books. She was simply a funny woman who worked hard.  Although known for decades for waving cigarette holders in her comedy act, Phyllis Diller was a lifelong nonsmoker, and the cigarette holders were nonfunctioning stage props that the nonsmoking comedian had specially constructed just for looks.
“An aspiring stand-up comic, male or female, should work whenever possible. Audience. What you need is an audience. You’re gonna learn everything you need to know from the audience. When they laugh, you’re a winner. When they don’t laugh, you’re a loser. So it’s very simple.” -Phyllis Diller: in “Archive of American Television” (8 March 2000) Who was Phyllis Diller? Who was Phyllis Ada Driver? Phyllis Ada Driver (17 July 1917 - 20 August 2012), better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, wild hair and clothes, and an exaggerated, cackling laugh. “My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.” -Phyllis Diller Phyllis Diller was an outspoken proponent of plastic surgery at time when cosmetic procedures were secretive. Her public admittance to having several face-lifts, nose jobs, and other procedures added promotional and comedic value to her act. She told Bob Hope in 1971 that she had a face-lift done because, “I got sick and tired of having the dog drag me out to the yard and bury me.” A 1992 profile in the “Orlando Sentinel” described her plastic surgery résumé as 22 years of work and 17 procedures done by nine surgeons. There was 1985, a particularly busy year, in which she had a brow lift, a second nose job, under-eye lift, cheek implants, eye-liner tattoo, and also had her teeth bonded. The American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery gave her an award for bringing plastic surgery out into public awareness. “The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.” -Phyllis Diller “I spent seven hours in a beauty shop . . . and that was for the estimate.” -Phyllis Diller “When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Robert Byrne: “The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said” (14 January 2003) “Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.” -Phyllis Diller “Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.” -Phyllis Diller, on the “Ed Sullivan Show” (5 October 1969) During one of her interviews, Diller claimed constant self-improvement as the reason for her success. She worked at herself every single day. “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.” -Phyllis Diller “I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.” -Phyllis Diller: “Phyllis Diller’s Best One-Liners,” (CBS News, 21 August 2012) “Young audiences are surprised to discover that I’m not some old fogey. I’ve kept up. In fact, I never left the business . . . But I have to leave myself some time to run my cosmetics company - that’s no joke.” -Phyllis Diller (1989) “You know you’re getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.” -Phyllis Diller: “Housekeeping Hints” (1966) “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.” -Phyllis Diller: quoted in Karen Weekes: “Women Know Everything!” (2007) In addition to blazing a trail as a woman in comedy, Phyllis Diller spouted seemingly autobiographical one-liners and anecdotes that paved the way for other comediennes’ riffs on similar themes; Phyllis Diller told of domestic and marital strife with long-suffering fictional husband ‘Fang’ and, of course, self-deprecating jokes about her outlandish appearance, which was all part of her act. “I went into the dress department. I told the lady I was a medium. Well, she wanted me to contact her dead uncle Fred.” -Phyllis Diller: stand-up comedy routine (1978) “I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That.”” -Phyllis Diller Diller retired from nightclubs and touring in 2002 at 84 years of age because of ill health. Her final stand-up gig was at the Suncoast Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. In 2003, Phyllis Diller donated her ‘gag file,’ a steel cabinet containing 48 file drawers with more than 50,000 jokes written on index cards, to the National Museum of American History in Washington, District of Columbia, United States of America. Phyllis Ada Driver, professionally known as Phyllis Diller, was born on 17 July 1917 in Lima, Ohio, United States of America, as the only child of Perry Marcus Driver, an insurance agent, and Frances Ada Driver (maiden name Romshe). A student at Lima’s Central High School, she went on to study for three years at the Sherwood Music Conservatory in Chicago, Illinois, before transferring to Bluffton College in Ohio, where she served as the editor of the school’s more humorous newspaper articles. She studied piano for many years, but she was not confident enough in her ability to take it up initially as a career. Instead, she became a stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice actor - and then later returned to piano. From 1971 to 1981, she performed as a piano soloist with 100 symphony orchestras across the country, going by the name Dame Illya Dillya. Phyllis Ada Driver passed on at 95 years of age on 20 August 2012 in Brentwood, California, United States of America. Her comedy and many other works, however, live on. “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’” -Phyllis Diller “We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.” -Phyllis Diller “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” -Phyllis Diller: as quoted in Joel Goodman: “Laffirmations” (1 April 1995) Well, that about wraps up this topic - many more topics follow below. Visiting the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website is like having an Elvis sighting, a UFO sighting, and a Bigfoot sighting . . . all in the span of one minute!  “It’s clever, but is it art?” -Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936) “I don’t know if it’s art, but I know I like it.” -Walt Disney (Walter Elias ‘Walt’ Disney (1901 - 1966)): as attributed in Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston: “Disney Animation: The Illusion of Life” (1981) During an exhibit at a museum, a modern artist was explaining his work. “This,” he said, pointing to a completely black canvas, “is a cow grazing.” “Where is the grass?” asked a visitor. “The cow has eaten it,” the artist answered. “Well, then,” the visitor said, “where is the cow?” “Do you think she would stick around,” the artist replied, “after she had eaten all the grass?” “The fact that no one understands you doesn’t make you an artist.” -Author Unknown A Still-Life An artist woke up from his slumbers To paint a still-life of cucumbers. When asked for a hint About color or tint He said, “Wait ’til I mark down the numbers.” -Author Unknown: limerick about paint-by-numbers “Sometimes there is no need to be either clever or original.” -Ivan Chermayeff [Henri] “Matisse’s painting “Le Bateau” hung upside down in the Museum of Modern Art, New York, for forty-seven days (October 18, 1961 - December 4, 1961) before anyone noticed. In that period 116,000 people visited the gallery.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard, editors: “Bartlett’s Book of Anecdotes” (2000) Claudia: Where can cow art be found? Clyde: In moo-seums! Question: They are now worth millions of dollars each and are much sought after, but how many of Vincent Van Gogh’s paintings sold while he was alive? Answer: Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting while he was alive: “Red Vineyard at Arles,” which he sold to his brother. Alice: What did the painter say to her boyfriend? Alicia: “I love you with all my art!” Sculpture: An art that consists of eliminating all superfluous material. “I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.” -Auguste Rodin (also known as François Auguste René Rodin or Auguste-René Rodin (1840 - 1917)), when asked how he managed to make his statues The statue called “The Thinker” (French: “Le Penseur”) (1902) by Auguste Rodin (also known as François Auguste René Rodin or Auguste-René Rodin (1840 - 1917)) is actually a portrait of the Italian poet Durante degli Alighieri (also known as Dante Alighieri or simply as Dante (1265 - 1321)). Bo An artistic young man called Bo, To an art class decided to go. The teacher said, “Not right - Your page is all white!” Bo said, “It is a polar bear in snow.” -Author Unknown “Real art is illumination . . . It adds stature to life.” -Brooks Atkinson (Justin Brooks ‘Brooks’ Atkinson (1894 - 1984)) Luther: What did the art dealer say when you asked what the abstract picture was supposed to be? Rutherford: “It is a reflection of the person looking at it.”  Artists work in a variety of mediums . . . Overheard: You are my favorite work of art. “In art the hand can never execute anything higher than the heart can inspire.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) “It looks like a tortoise-shell cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)), commenting on a modern art painting “The more horrifying this world becomes, the more art becomes abstract.” -Paul Klee “There are only two styles of portrait painting, the serious and the smirk.” -Charles Dickens (Charles John Huffam Dickens (1812 - 1870)) “Art is life seen through a temperament.” -Émile Zola “Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.” -John Singer Sargent (1856 - 1925): as quoted in Evan Esar: “The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations” (1949) “Artists can color the sky red because they know it’s blue. The rest of us, who aren’t artists, must color things the way they really are, or people might think we’re stupid.” -Jules Feiffer “Art is creating something beautiful where nothing existed before.” -Author Unknown “I am a poor man and of little worth, who is laboring in that art that God has given me in order to extend my life as long as possible.” -Michelangelo (Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni, also known as Buonarroti Michelangelo (1475 - 1564)) “Art is awesome!” -Author Unknown “A truism regarding Modern Art: Not all artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.” -Author Unknown “The artistic temperament is a disease that afflicts amateurs.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936)): “Heretics” (1905), Chapter 16 “Looking at ‘modern art’ is like trying to follow the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup.” -Author Unknown “Sculpture is what you bump into when you back up to see a painting.” -Barnett Newman “The greatest masterpieces were once only pigments on a palette.” -Henry S. Haskins (Henry Stanley Haskins (1876 - 1957)) “Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.” -Frank Zappa “Scratch an artist, and you surprise a child.” -James Huneker (James Gibbons Huneker (1860 - 1921)) “Art never expresses anything but itself.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900)) “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” -Michelangelo (Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni, also known as Buonarroti Michelangelo (1475 - 1564)) “There’s no correlation between creativity and equipment ownership. None. Zilch. Nada. Actually, as the artist gets more into his thing, and as he gets more successful, his number of tools tends to go down. He knows what works for him. Expending mental energy on stuff wastes time.” -Hugh Macleod “If I didn’t start painting, I would have raised chickens.” -Grandma Moses (Anna Mary Robertson Moses (1860 - 1961)) “Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.” -Al Capp (Alfred Gerald Caplin (1909 - 1979)): as quoted in the “National Observer” (1 July 1963) “A painting is never finished; it simply stops in interesting places.” -Paul Gardner “The motivation of all artists is, ‘Look at me, Mum’.” -Sebastian Horsley “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” -Scott Adams “When one buys some of my artwork I hope it is because they will wish to learn from it and not because they think it will match their drapes!” -Christian Cardell Corbet (1997) “Everyone wants to understand art. Why not try to understand the song of a bird?” -Pablo Picasso (Pablo Diego Jose Francisco do Paula Juan Nepomuceno Cipriano de la Santissima Trinidad (1881 - 1973))  Who is to say that this is not art? We could call it “Birds on a Wall” . . . what do you think?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Drew. Drew, who? Drew a picture for you! Do you need some art to decorate your castle, cave, palace, one-room apartment, office, mansion, dorm room, cubicle, tent, estate, or cave? Visit www.FreeArt.com. Be sure to tell them you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net. “Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.” -Tom Stoppard (born in 1937): “Artist Descending a Staircase” (1972) Annabelle: How does Salvador Dali start his mornings? Christabel: With a bowl of breakfast ‘surreal.’ “A very rich man once commissioned a famous artist to do a painting of a fish. One year later the man returned and asked for his painting. The artist took out a clean sheet of paper and painted a beautiful fish while the man waited. The man then asked why it had taken a year to get the painting of the fish. The artist opened a door to a closet, which was filled with 1,000 paintings of that fish.” -Author Unknown “I hate flowers. I paint them because they’re cheaper than models and they don’t move.” -Georgia O’Keeffe (Georgia Totto O’Keeffe (1887 - 1986)): as quoted in “New York Herald Tribune” (18 April 1954) Knock, knock! Who’s there? Monet! Monet, who? Monet for art does not grow on trees! Kevin: Which artists live on farms? Nikki: Vincent van Goat and Pablo Pigcaso. “An artist is someone who produces things that people don’t need to have but that he - for some reason - thinks it would be a good idea to give them.” -Andy Warhol: “Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back Again)” (1975), chapter 10 “No art, however minor, demands less than total dedication if you want to excel in it.” -Alberti (Leon Battista Alberti (1404 - 1472)) Moe: What did the artist draw before going to bed? Joe: The blinds - or was it the curtains? The Aesthetic Movement was an 1880’s literary movement associated with Walter Pater and John Ruskin, who advocated that art should serve no useful purpose. The term ‘art for art’s sake’ is synonymous with the movement. Algernon Charles Swinburne, Oscar Wilde, and Edgar Allan Poe were also among the followers of this movement. “No masterpiece was ever created by a lazy artist.” -Salvador Dali A doodle is a tiny sketch of a figure or other thing; a whacky doodle is a whimsical such drawing. “Artists are just children who refuse to put down their crayons.” -Al Hirschfeld “The prudent painter should know how to paint what is appropriate to the individual, the time, and the place . . . Is it not an error to paint St. Jerome with a red hat, like the one cardinals wear today? He was indeed a cardinal, but he did not wear such a costume, since it was Pope Innocent IV, more than 700 years later, who gave cardinals their red hats and red gowns . . . All this proceeds from the ignorance of painters.” -Gilio da Cybele: “Dialogue on the Error of Painters” (1564), as quoted in Daniel J. Boorstin: “The Discoverers” (1983) “It is not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall, it’s a painting, and if you can walk around it, it’s a sculpture.” -Author Unknown “In his lifetime van Gogh painted 486 paintings. Oddly enough, 8,975 of them are to be found in the United States.” -Werner Lansburgh Signs That You Might Be an Artist - The only piece of new furniture in your home is a $2,000 easel. - You chose your car for its color rather than fuel economy. - You butter your toast with your fingers just to feel its texture. - You have nothing to wear on a date because everything has paint smears on it. - Your date ends up with paint smears on him or her. - There are Prussian blue fingerprints on your telephone receiver. - You know what color of green the lichen growing on the tree is. - You know the names of more than twenty-eight colors. - You are more than a month behind on your rent. - When you take a day off to relax at the beach, you take along an easel, paint, brushes, and several blank canvasses. - The only book you own is a book with large full-color illustrations of renaissance art, with paint smears on the pages. - You frequently take your work on the road by loading up your car with examples of your best art and make the rounds of the galleries in nearby towns, and you wonder if Monet ever did the same thing with a horse and wagon. “The ‘Earth’ without ‘art’ is just ‘eh.’” -Author Unknown [Of James Whistler] “His most famous painting was titled “Arrangement in Grey and Black No. 1” (1871), but it’s more commonly known as “Whistler’s Mother.” It’s a portrait of Anna Matilda McNeill Whistler in a black dress, seated in profile against a gray wall. When Whistler’s scheduled model didn’t show up for a sitting, he decided to paint his mother instead.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in “The Writer’s Almanac” (11 July 2012) “A primitive artist is an amateur whose work sells.” -Grandma Moses (Anna Mary Robertson Moses (1860 - 1961)) “Some people color inside the lines, others color outside the lines. Me? I eat the crayons.” -Bill Carter As you can clearly see, this ‘Art’ topic really needs a brush-up - do you know anything amusing or interesting about art, artists, or artworks? Send us a message at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com . . . and for art’s sake, stay lively!  One trait cats and dogs have in common is that they both look up to you . . . but they look at you differently . . . Cats make ‘purrrfectly’ marvelous pets, but dogs make ‘doggone’ good pets. “Your cat will never threaten your popularity by barking at three in the morning. He won’t attack the mailman or eat the drapes, although he may climb the drapes to see how the room looks from the ceiling.” -Helen Powers A dog is a dog, but a cat is a purrrrson. If you are having difficulty deciding whether to get a cat or a dog, we may be able to help . . . or we might just add to your indecisiveness . . . When cats chase their prey, they keep their heads level. Dogs and humans bob their heads up and down when chasing prey. In contrast to dogs, cats have not undergone major changes during the attempted domestication process. “You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.” -George Mikes: “How to be Decadent” (1 January 1977) Question: What do you get when you cross a dog and a cat? Answer: An animal that chases itself. ________________________________________________________ Who Needs a Man? - If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog. - If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog. - If you want someone who will make a total fool of himself because he is so glad to see you, get a dog. - If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog. - If you want someone who is always eager to go out anytime you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog. - If you want someone who can scare away burglars without using a lethal weapon, get a dog. - If you want someone who never touches the remote, could care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog. - If you want someone who will be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog. - If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, does not care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog! On the other hand . . . - If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that he is happy . . . Get a cat! ________________________________________________________ Dogs have lived with humans for over 14,000 years. Cats have lived with humans for only 7,000 years. A dog thinks: Wow, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . They are amazing! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . I am amazing! “Cat people are different, to the extent that they generally are not conformist. How could they be, with a cat running their lives?” -Louis J. Camuti Every cat thinks he’s the cat’s meow, until he hears the dog’s bark, at which time he high-tails himself out of there. Question: Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat? Answer: Because cats cannot drive. “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” -Dereke Bruce ________________________________________________________ Excerpts from a Dog's Diary and a Cat's Diary The Dog’s Diary: Day number 180 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite! 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My Favorite! Day number 181 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite! 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My Favorite! Day number 182 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite! 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 1:30 pm - Ooooooo. Bath. Bummer. 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My Favorite! Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again scratched their favorite chair . . . I must try this on their favorite lampshade. Day 765 – Pounced on a mouse and brought it to them, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm, this is not working according to plan. Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be tattle-tales. The dog is routinely released and seems more than a little happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his present placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time before I get to him. ________________________________________________________ Would you rather be a dog and chase cars that you will never catch or be a cat and climb trees and get stuck in them? Furball: How can you get a cat to do tricks? Fido: Put a dog in a cat suit. Cat brains are biologically more similar to human brains than they are to dog brains. Both humans and cats have identical regions in their brains that are responsible for emotions. “If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because you lap is warmer.” -Alfred North Whitehead “Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you.” -Mary Bly Cats make about 100 different sounds. Dogs make only about 10. Conclusion: Cats talk too much - unless you have one of those dogs that barks all day and all night, of course . . . arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf . . . ________________________________________________________ Dog & Cat Owners Have Different Personalities Dog owners and cat owners are as different as night and day, says an expert - who reveals the distinctive personality traits of each. People are like their pets, said Dr. Vinsey, Professor of Anthropology at Pace University in New York City, who made a six-year study of pets and their owners. Dr. Vinsey characterizes dog owners this way: - They tend to be more outgoing and sociable and they are more apt to be openly affectionate. - Dog owners are more generous and helpful. They are more ambitious and assertive and more apt to take risks to reach their goals. - Dog owners are more ‘outdoorsy’ - they love to tramp the hills, go camping, and participate in active, energetic sports. Cat owners are a different type says Dr. Vinsey: - They tend to be well-read, articulate and cultured and more imaginative, creative and curious than dog owners. - They are more apt to be loners. They enjoy privacy and tend to be aloof until they know someone well. - Cat lovers are comfort lovers and tend to pamper themselves. They’re more finicky and choosy, have exotic tastes and are nonconformists. They also tend to be more opinionated and independent. - Cat owners are indoor people. Their greatest joy is to curl up in front of a fire with a good book or a TV miniseries to view. But both cat and dog owners are far more flexible than people who don’t own pets, said the doctor. They take a less rigid approach to life and adjust more easily to changes in plans or circumstances, she said. ________________________________________________________ “Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” -Author Unknown Cat hearing is better than dog hearing. Cats can hear sounds up to two octaves higher than humans can hear - but they will never tell you this, preferring to keep this ability exclusively for their own benefit. Dogs are mentioned 44 times in “The Bible”: 35 times in the ‘Old Testament’ and 9 times in the ‘New Testament.’ Curiously, cats are not mentioned anywhere in “The Bible.” We say ‘curiously’ because we are curious about why this is so. Proof that cats are smarter than dogs: You will never find a dozen cats pulling a sled through the snow. They know the best place to be in the winter is curled up in front of the fireplace. “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” -Ellen Perry Berkeley When you have a cat, you can never be quite sure which one of you is the pet, or as someone once said, cats make great pets - out of their owners.  If you take one of them home, you must take both of them home . . . sorry, we just cannot break up a perfectly matched set!
Dogs have masters, cats have support staff. “Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren’t like this. A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish.” -James Gorman While cats have only about 473 taste buds and do not have a ‘sweet tooth,’ dogs have about 1,700 taste buds, and appear to like sweets much more than cats do. Humans have approximately 9,000 taste buds. “A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem.” -Jean Burden Good news: You do not have to choose between having a pet cat or having a pet dog - just get six of each, and then you’ll have an even dozen . . . your neighbors will not know if they should call you a crazy cat person, a crazy dog person, or a zookeeper!  Let us join hands and bow our heads . . . Lord, we thank you for this bounty that we are about to receive . . . Thank You God Thank You God for The world so sweet, Thank You God for The food we eat, Thank You God for The birds that sing, Thank You God for Everything. Amen. -Author Unknown “Us and this, God bless.” -Author Unknown: Quaker grace Johnny Appleseed Grace Oh, the Lord’s been good to me And so I thank the Lord For giving me the things I need The sun and the rain and the apple seed. The Lord’s been good to me. Hallelujah, amen. -Author Unknown Lord, we thank You For the food before us The family beside us The love between us And Your presence among us. Amen. -Author Unknown Lord, You give us good things to eat Like spuds and carrots, peas and meat. May all the things we say and do Show our love and thanks to You. Amen. -Author Unknown Rhyming mealtime graces may not be appropriate for all occasions; however, we have been endowed by our Creator with a sense of humor and an ability to be joyful and playful, so there is a time for them as there is a time for everything. Table Grace for Christmastime In the midst of our decorating, shopping, and baking, Christmas whispers, “Immanuel.” In the midst of our parties and merry-making, Christmas whispers, “Immanuel.” Help us pause, Lord, while this food partaking, To rejoice in the promise, “Immanuel.” -Author Unknown (For this prayer, whisper the first two occurrences of ‘Immanuel,’ but say the last one loudly and joyfully. You may explain that ‘Immanuel’ means ‘God is with us.’) Grace God is great, God is good, Let us thank Him For our food. Amen. -Author Unknown Lord, thank You for this food. It’s yet another reminder, Of this truth from “Lamentations”: That You are good to those whose hope is in You, To those who seek You. Amen. -Author Unknown Thank You, Lord, For the richness of this food, In color, taste, and texture, And that it tastes all the sweeter, For this blessing: That we can enjoy it with those we love. Amen. -Author Unknown Red and yellow and pink and green, Purple and orange and blue, For food that is all the colors Of the rainbow, Oh Lord we thank You! Amen. -Author Unknown (sing to the tune of “Sing a Rainbow”) Benedictus, Benedicat. [original Latin] May the Blessed One, Bless. [English translation] -Author Unknown  A Hare's Prayer
God is good, God is great, Grass is food, Earth a dinner plate. -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) The treasures of this life Are love, hope, and family. God, thank you for all three. Amen. -Author Unknown Many prayers end with the word ‘amen,’ meaning ‘so may it be.’ Grace with Hands God bless us (touch hands on head). God bless the food (place hands around plate). Amen (fold hands). -Author Unknown Lord, we thank You for this food. As we receive all You give, Help us to trust You more: To trust in Your generosity, For You are eager to bless us, To trust in Your love, For You will never reject us, To trust in Your strength, For You want to work through us. Amen. -Author Unknown Dear God, Please bless these sinners As they eat their dinners, In Jesus name we pray, Amen. -Author Unknown For food in a world where many walk in hunger; For faith in a world where many walk in fear; For friends in a world where many walk alone; We give you thanks, O Lord. Amen. -Author Unknown: from the Huron Hunger Fund, Anglican Church of Canada Bread is a lovely thing to eat; God bless the bakery and the wheat. -Author Unknown Bless this food for our use And us to thy service. Amen. -Author Unknown There once was a cock and a hen, Who gave lunch to a goose in a pen. “Good Lord,” said the goose, “For good food and those who prepare it, For good friends with whom to share it, We thank you Lord. Amen.” -Author Unknown Father, thank you for meat and bread. May all the world be clothed and fed. -Author Unknown Thank you Lord, And please know That we are truly grateful For every cup and every plate full. -Author Unknown We thank the Lord for happy hearts For rain and sunny weather We thank the Lord for this our food And that we are together -Author Unknown Lord, Please make us able to eat all the food on the table I think we can do it if we all stick to it. Amen. -Author Unknown Father, please bless this food For our everlasting good. Amen. -Author Unknown Evening Grace We thank you Lord at our evening meal, For the blessings, friendships, and love we feel. Oh, guide our minds and our hearts we pray, Let us all make tomorrow a joyful day. -Author Unknown (sung to the tune of, “What Child is This”) God of goodness, please bless our food, And please keep us in a pleasant mood. -Author Unknown Our hands we fold; Our heads we bow; For food and drink, We thank thee now. -Author Unknown Many mealtime graces are short in length, because if hungry people are at a table with the promise of food, and they do not get food soon, they might start chewing on their fingernails, the napkins, the tablecloth, other people, or anything else that is within reach! Thank you God For milk and bread And other things so good Thank you God For those who help To grow and cook our food. -Author Unknown We thank you, Heavenly Provider, For every earthly good: For life and health and family, And for our daily food. Amen. -Author Unknown Singing Grace Lord, we thank You, Lord, we thank You, For our food, For our food, And our many blessings, And our many blessings. Amen. Amen. -Author Unknown, sung to the tune of “Frere Jacques” (“Are You Sleeping?”) Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power And the glory and the victory and the majesty, For all that is in the Heavens and in the Earth is Yours. We thank You and praise Your name, For all this abundance comes from Your hand. Help us keep joy and gratitude in our hearts And direct our hearts toward You. Amen. -Author Unknown (a prayer based on 1st Chronicles, chapter 29) Thank You God for feet that run and hop and jump and have such fun. Thank You God for hands that clap, wiggle, wave, and pet a cat. Thank You God for making me, and mom and dad and friends I see. We love You, praise You, and shout out Your name. Our God is forever and ever the same! -Author Unknown We love our bread, We love our butter, But most of all, We love each other, Thank You Lord For our food. Amen. -Author Unknown Do you have a favorite mealtime grace that you would like to share with the world? Please email it to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com, and we will post it here for everyone to see. Thanks! . . . Your smile makes it all worthwhile.  Let nature know just how much you care - have you hugged a cactus today?
“Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes.” -P. J. O’Rourke “Teaching a child not to step on a caterpillar is as valuable to the child as it is to the caterpillar.” -Bradley Millar “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” -Steven Wright (born in 1955) “We must fight against the spirit of unconscious cruelty with which we treat the animals. Animals suffer as much as we do. True humanity does not allow us to impose such sufferings on them. It is our duty to make the whole world recognize it. Until we extend our circle of compassion to all living things, humanity will not find peace.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965): “The Philosophy of Civilization” (1951) “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” -Jack Handey (born in 1949) Overheard: People are more opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. “I am I plus my surroundings, and if I do not preserve the latter, I do not preserve myself.” -José Ortega y Gasset (1883 - 1955): “Meditations of Quixote” (1911) Kindness to Animals Speak gently to the herring and kindly to the calf, Be blithesome with the bunny, at barnacles don’t laugh! Give nuts unto the monkey, and buns unto the bear, Ne’er hint at currant jelly if you chance to see a hare! Oh, little girls, pray hide your combs when tortoises draw nigh, And never in the hearing of a pigeon whisper Pie! But give the stranded jelly-fish a shove into the sea,- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be! Oh, make not game of sparrows, nor faces at the ram, And ne’er allude to mint sauce when calling on a lamb. Don’t beard the thoughtful oyster, don’t dare the cod to crimp, Don’t cheat the pike, or ever try to pot the playful shrimp. Tread lightly on the turning worm, don’t bruise the butterfly, Don’t ridicule the wry-neck, nor sneer at salmon-fry; Oh, ne’er delight to make dogs fight, nor bantams disagree,- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be! Be lenient with lobsters, and ever kind to crabs, And be not disrespectful to cuttle-fish or dabs; Chase not the Cochin-China, chaff not the ox obese, And babble not of feather-beds in company with geese. Be tender with the tadpole, and let the limpet thrive, Be merciful to mussels, don’t skin your eels alive; When talking to a turtle don’t mention calipee- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be. -J. Ashby-Sterry “It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians.” -Henrik Ibsen (1828 - 1906) “The environment is everything that isn’t me.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) Jack, who was nine years old, was asked in his Environmental Studies lesson at Wicor School to write a short essay for homework on the effect of oil pollution. So Jack wrote: ‘When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.’ “Over increasingly large areas of the United States, spring now comes unheralded by the return of the birds, and the early mornings are strangely silent where once they were filled with the beauty of bird song.” -Rachel Carson (1907 - 1964): “Silent Spring” (27 September 1962) “Remember, people, if you were meant to have a fur coat, nature would have given you one. Do not be a thief and steal a fur coat from some animal who is its rightful owner.” -Author Unknown When is Earth Day? Earth Day is observed by environmental activists on 22 April of each year. If you are a regular person and not an environmental activist, Earth Day is every day. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” -Doctor Seuss (pseudonym of Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991)): “The Lorax” (1971) The Chernobyl nuclear disaster region has become one of the world’s most unique wildlife sanctuaries, with thriving populations of wolves, deer, beavers, eagles, fish, and other animals. “Deer hunting would be fine sport, if only the deer had guns.” -William S. Gilbert (William Schwenk Gilbert (1836 - 1911)) “The basis of all animal rights should be the Golden Rule: we should treat them as we would wish them to treat us, were any other species in our dominant position.” -Christine Stevens Strip mining prevents forest fires. Ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever lived on Earth are now extinct - not because of human activity, but because every species has a ‘life cycle.’ Every species appears on the planet, goes through some changes, and then eventually dies out. This is part of the natural ‘cycle of life.’ By some estimates, every species averages about five million years of existence. Everything that begins also ends. “No one in the world needs a mink coat but a mink.” -Murray Banks Wrong-Way Alien A curious creature from Saturn Came to Earth on some orbital pattern. It saw our brown air, And cement everywhere, And screamed, “Why did I take that turn?!” -Author Unknown Each year, the United States of America produces enough plastic wrap to shrink-wrap the entire state of Texas. Are you thinking what we’re thinking? Let’s do it! What should you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was formed in 1866. It is a long-standing organization, unlike the here-today-and-gone-tomorrow groups of obnoxious hip young attention seekers who hold noisy protest demonstrations in front of shopping malls and on street corners. Additionally, the ASPCA has fantastic pet toys so that you and your furry friend can play together. The ASPCA website is www.aspca.org. Thames in Flames In England, when crossing the Thames, It sparkles and shimmers, like James It’s even reputed To be unpolluted Though in places it bursts into flames! -Author Unknown Animal Rights Activist: Ma’am, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered horribly so that you could wear that mink coat you have on? Woman: How dare you talk that way about my husband! “(Henry Bergh) was a notable defender of animals, and was the founder, in 1866, of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. This was the first humane society in the United States, antedating - a strange commentary - the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, founded by another Fifth Avenue resident, Elbridge T. Gerry, in 1874. Bergh was originally outraged by the treatment of horses on New York’s streets, especially the overworked beasts that pulled the omnibuses and stages.” -Jerry E. Patterson: “Fifth Avenue: The Best Address” (1998) With everything we read about spray cans and the ozone layer, it’s enough to scareosol to death. Modern technology Owes ecology An apology. -Alan M. Eddison “The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.” -Bill Vaughan (1915 - 1977) “To cherish what remains of the Earth and to foster its renewal is our only legitimate hope of survival.” -Wendell Berry The worst air polluter in the entire state of Washington is a volcano that goes by the name of Mount Saint Helens. "A zoo is a facility where animals are imprisoned for the crime of being different from us." -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) "Nobody knows the exact age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better." -Author Unknown America the Beautiful O beautiful for smoggy skies Insecticided grains For strip-mined mountains, majesty Above the asphalt plain. America, America, Man sheds his waste on thee And hides the pines With billboard signs From sea to oily sea! -George Carlin (1937 - 2008) “We have enslaved the rest of the animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were able to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form.” -William R. Inge (William Ralph Inge (1860 - 1954)) Little Timmy, age five, was looking at a picture book. When he came to a picture of a zebra, his father asked him what animal that was. Timmy thought a moment, and then answered, “It’s a cow that ate bio-engineered corn.” Pollution: The dirtiest word in the world. This animal is very bad: When attacked, it defends itself. -Theodore P. K. China produces more than 45 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks every year, using an estimated 25 million trees to do so. Hmmm . . . kinda makes reusable chopsticks seem like a good alternative, perhaps? “Love thy neighbor, whether thy neighbor is a fuzzy bunny or a chirping chickadee or a grandpa who wears stripes with plaids.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966) “He that plants trees loves others besides himself.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734) Judge: Young man, it says here you shot and killed a California Condor. How do you plead? Defendant: Guilty your honor. Judge: Guilty!? Don’t you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all. Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we’re so poor. Judge: That’s no excuse. I am sentencing you to thirty days in jail. By the way, what does California Condor taste like? Defendant: It’s real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane. A Robin Redbreast in a Cage Puts all Heaven in a Rage. -William Blake (1757 - 1827): ‘Auguries of Innocence’ (1803), line 5; type of work: poem It turns out that everything is actually everything else, just recycled. Matter becomes energy, and energy becomes matter, and so on. Nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form. The Universe is a giant recycling system. “Save a tree. Eat a beaver.” -Author Unknown The Green Thing In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags were not good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.” The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment.” He was right - our generation did not have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles and soda bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one television, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And, the television had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn’t it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then? Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from an opinionated young person. -Author Unknown Most landfilled trash retains its original weight, volume, and form for 40 years or longer. “Save the krill. Eat a whale.” -Author Unknown “Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) “Any fool can destroy trees. They cannot run away; and if they could, they would still be destroyed - chased and hunted down as long as fun or a dollar could be got out of their bark hides, branching horns, or magnificent bole backbones. Few that fell trees plant them; nor would planting avail much towards getting back anything like the noble primeval forests . . . It took more than three thousand years to make some of the trees in these Western woods - trees that are still standing in perfect strength and beauty, waving and singing in the mighty forests of the Sierra. Through all the wonderful, eventful centuries . . . God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand straining, leveling tempests and floods; but he cannot save them from fools - only Uncle Sam can do that.” -John Muir (1838 - 1914): “Our National Parks” (1901), chapter 10 “There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.” -Marshall McLuhan (Herbert Marshall McLuhan (1911 - 1980)) (1965) “We talk so much about leaving a better planet to our children, that we forget about leaving better children to this planet. Educate your children - say ‘no’ to them every once in a while.” -Author Unknown “You cannot begin to preserve any species of animal unless you preserve the habitat in which it dwells. Disturb or destroy that habitat and you will exterminate the species as surely as if you had shot it. So conservation means that you have to preserve forest and grassland, river and lake, even the sea itself. This is not only vital for the preservation of animal life generally, but for the future existence of man himself - a point that seems to escape many people.” -Gerald Durrell Hurt no living thing: Ladybird, nor butterfly, Nor moth with dusty wing. -Christina Rossetti (Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894)) “Extinction is Forever.” -Author Unknown: Friends of the Animals At 'Make Fun Of Life!' we are doing our part to save the environment by recycling old jokes. Please help by sending your silliness and seriousness to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com . . . it’s for a good cause . . . |
