We want to wish you a happy ‘National Dress Up Your Chicken Day’! We hope you and your feathered friend have a truly awesome time together . . . ‘MFOL!’
“The world is your playground. Why aren’t you playing?” -Ellie Katz
George knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, “Can Albert come out to play?” “No,” said the mother, “It’s too cold.” “Well, then,” said George, “can his football come out to play?”
“It is a happy talent to know how to play.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882): “Journals”
When Albert Einstein’s baby sister was born, his mother told him the baby would be nice to play with. After looking at it for a while, he complained, “Yes, but where are its wheels?”
“We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.” -Charles Schaefer
“Always jump in the puddles! Always skip alongside the flowers. The only fights worth fighting are the pillow and food varieties.” -Terri Guillemets
“When children pretend, they are using their imaginations to move beyond the bounds of reality. A stick can be a magic wand. A sock can be a puppet. A small child can be a superhero.” -Fred Rogers (Fred McFeely Rogers (1928 - 2003))
“Surely all God’s people, however serious or savage, great or small, like to play. Whales and elephants, dancing, humming gnats, and invisibly small mischievous microbes - all are warm with divine radium and must have lots of fun in them.” -John Muir (1838 - 1914): “The Story of My Boyhood and Youth” (1913), pages 186 and 187
Rob: Why did the child cross the playground?
Bert: To get to the other slide.
“It should be noted that children at play are not playing about; their games should be seen as their most serious-minded activity.” -Michel de Montaigne (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)): “Essais” (“Essays”) (1595), Book 1, chapter 23
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” -John Bay
“As astronauts and space travelers children puzzle over the future; as dinosaurs and princesses they unearth the past. As weather reporters and restaurant workers they make sense of reality; as monsters and gremlins they make sense of the unreal.” -Gretchen Owocki
“Play is the highest form of research!” -attributed to Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
“Whenever you trace the origin of a skill or practices which played a crucial role in the ascent of man, we usually reach the realm of play.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)
Have you played today?
“Imaginative play is a key that opens the doors of intuition.” -Frances Vaughan (1935)
“Play: Unrestrained accelerated learning along unpredictable tangential paths.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Work and play are an artificial pair of opposites, because the best kind of play contains an element of work, and the most productive kind of work must include something of the spirit of play.” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986))
As Johnny Went A-Walking
As Johnny went a-walking, a-walking, a-walking
As Johnny went-a-walking one fine day
He met a little neighbor, a neighbor, a neighbor
And they began to play:
First they played at horses, horses, horses
First they played at horses
Just this way:
They they played at aeroplanes, aeroplanes, aeroplanes (and so on)
Then they played at bunnies, bunnies, bunnies (and so on)
Then they played at fire engines, fire engines, fire engines (and so on)
“Play is the exultation of the possible.” -Martin Buber (1878 - 1965)
Let’s play ‘airplane’! Let’s play choo-choo train! Let’s play tag - you’re it! Let’s play swamp monster! Let’s play dinosaurs! Let’s play hide-and-seek! Let’s play space aliens! Let’s play cops and robbers! Let’s play follow-the-leader! Let's play dress-up! Let's play store! Can you think of other games we can play?
“All play is associated with intense thought activity and rapid intellectual growth.” -N. V. Scarfe: ‘Play is Education’ article published in the “Childhood Education” (November 1962) journal, Volume 39, Issue 3, page 120
“My childhood may be over, but that doesn’t mean playtime is.” -Ron Olson
The Value of Play
You say that you love your children,
And are concerned that they learn today,
As am I, that’s why I’m providing,
A variety of kinds of play.
You are asking what’s the value
Of having your children play?
Your daughter’s creating a tower,
She may be a builder someday.
You are asking me the value
Of blocks and sand and clay.
Your children are solving problems,
They will use that skill every day.
You are saying that you don’t want your son
To play in a sissy way.
He’s learning to cuddle a doll,
He may be a father someday.
You’re questioning the learning centers,
They just look like useless play.
Your children are making choices,
They’ll be on their own someday.
You’re worried your children aren’t learning
And later they’ll have to pay.
They’re learning a pattern for learning,
For they’ll be learners always.
“Play is our brain’s favorite way of learning.” -Diane Ackerman
“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” -Leo Buscaglia (Felice Leonardo ‘Leo’ Buscaglia, also known as Leo F. Buscaglia (1924 - 1998))
What lovely things outdoors I see!
The sun, a bird, a great big tree!
God put them there for you and me!
“The ability to play is essential to being a creative artist.” -Dewitt Jones
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” -George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
“In our play we reveal what kind of people we are.” -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18)): “The Art of Love”
“If animals play, this is because play is useful in the struggle for survival; because play practices and so perfects the skills needed in adult life.” -Susanne Millar
“To the art of working well a civilized race would add that art of playing well.” -George Santayana (1863 - 1952): “Little Essays” (1920)
Our minds need relaxation and give way
Unless we mix with work a little play.
-Molière (pseudonym of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin (1622 - 1673)): “The School for Husbands” (1661)
“The true object of all human life is play.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936)): “All Things Considered” (1908)
“Today I will do something just for the fun of it. I will find something to do that’s just for me, and I won’t worry about what I ‘should’ be doing. I will learn how to make myself feel good and enjoy life to the fullest.” -Melody Beattie
“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.)
“Forget not that the Earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)
“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.” -Carl Jung (Carl Gustav Jung (1875 - 1961))
“Play so that you may be serious.” -Anacharsis: as quoted in Aristotle: “Nicomachean Ethics” (about 350 B.C.E.)
“Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and some pure foolishness.” -May Sarton (pseudonym of Eleanore Marie Sarton (1912 - 1995))
“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.” -Heraclitus (Heraclitus of Ephesus (about 535 B.C.E. - 475 B.C.E.))
Wanda come over and play with me?
Every day, it is beneficial for all of us to get away from the computer and go outside - do you remember the place called ‘outside’? Sure you do! It’s where birds and squirrels and grasshoppers and people live and learn and grow and play and have fun! So head out there right now and ‘MFOL!’
We wish you every happiness.
Imagine that you are sending a congratulatory email, posting a message on someone’s page on a social networking website, making a dinner party or wedding toast, creating a home-made greeting card, calling a relative or business associate, signing a school yearbook . . . what would you write or say? Following are some possibilities . . .
I see only blue skies and green lights for you.
Happy are we met,
Happy have we been,
Happy may we part,
And happy meet again.
“Live long and prosper.” -Spock (fictional character portrayed by actor Leonard Nimoy): “Star Trek,” season 2, episode 1: “Amok Time” (1968); based on the “Star Trek” series created by Eugene Wesley ‘Gene’ Roddenbery
May you never have to eat your hat.
I Wish Thee
I wish thee health,
I wish thee wealth,
I wish thee gold in store,
I wish thee Heaven upon Earth -
What could I wish thee more?
May your troubles be little ones.
“To Your Health!” [English translation]
Sláinte! [original Irish Gaelic]
May your every good wish come true.
A Toast to Us
A toast to us, my good round friends,
To bless the things we eat;
For it has been full many a year
Since we have seen our feet.
Yet who would lose a precious pound
By trading sweets for sours?
It takes a mighty girth indeed
To hold such hearts as ours.
May your strengths be greater than your weaknesses.
Here’s to In-Laws
Here’s to bride and mother-in-law,
Here’s to groom and father-in-law,
Here’s to sister and brother-in-law,
Here’s to friends and friends-in-law,
May none of them need an attorney-at-law.
May your life be as smooth as butter.
The Mathematics of Life
May your life be like arithmetic:
Blessings to infinity.
May you find a moment of joy in each day to come!
A Thanksgiving Day dinner toast -
Here’s to the day when first the Yankees acknowledged
Heaven’s good gifts with Thank’ees.
May your today be better than your yesterday, but not as good as your tomorrow.
“May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you His favor and give you His peace.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Numbers,’ chapter 6, verses 26 – 26
If love were a raindrop, I would send you a shower.
If hope were a minute, I would send you an hour.
If happiness were a leaf, I would send you a tree.
If you need a friend, you will always have me!
“Long life to you.” [English translation]
“Fad saol agat.” [original Irish Gaelic]
Question: What is big and gray, and carries flowers to cheer you up when you do not feel well?
Answer: A Get-Well-Ephant!
Here’s to the two great American birds! May you always have one on your table and the other in your pocket - the turkey and the eagle.
May you fear no outer darkness,
And know no lack of inner light.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
May God’s love be with you.
May your life be so full of good people and good things that you never have to say goodbye to more than one of them at a time, that no part of your life will ever be empty.
“May the warmth of our affections survive the frosts of age.” -Author Unknown
“May your days be many and may you succeed in life beyond your greatest expectations!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
Get Well Soon!
I’m in a 10der mood 2day
& feel poetic, 2;
4 fun I’ll just - off a line
& send it off 2U.
I’m sorry you’ve been 6 o long;
Don’t B disconsol8;
But bear your ills with 42de,
& they won’t seem so gr8.
“Love many, trust a few, always paddle your own canoe!” -Author Unknown
“Hail wedded love, mysterious law, true source of human happiness.” -John Milton
An Irish Blessing
May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.
May songbirds serenade you every step along the way.
May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue.
And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.
May the rest of your life be the best of your life!
I wish you well in your endeavors.
There are strong ships
And there are fast ships,
Among ships that sail the sea -
But the best ships
So here’s to you,
And here’s to me,
Good friends may we always be.
“May we be alive at this time next year.” [English translation]
“Go mbeire muid beo ar an am seo aris!” [original Irish Gaelic]
I Wish You All the Happiness
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
I hope your dreams will all come true
I hope you find what works for you
I hope you live and never die
I hope you spread your wings and fly
And if you ever need a friend
I’ll be right here ’round the bend
’Cause I got my eyes on you
And all the crazy things you do
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
I hope you finally find your truth
I hope you hold onto your youth
I hope you pass your days with a smile
I hope you travel many miles
I hope you never feel the hurt
Of all the pain that’s buried in the dirt
I hope you always find the time
To be with those who ease your mind
And if you ever need a friend
I’ll be with you ’til the end
’Cause I got my eyes on you
And all the beauty inside you
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
I wish you all the happiness
You’ll ever need to get by
“May the most you wish for be the least you get!” -Jay O’Brian
Have a beautiful life.
“We never eat [to] anybody’s health, always drink [to] it. Why should we not stand up now and then and eat a tart to somebody’s success?” -Jerome K. Jerome (Jerome Klapka Jerome (1859 - 1927)): “The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow: A Book for an Idle Holiday” (1892)
In your life, may everything be good.
May the blessings of each day
Be the blessings you need most.
Overheard: I hope you always find always find a reason to smile!
May good things come your way!
“May the hinges of friendship never rust, or the wings of love lose a feather.” -Edward Bannerman Ramsey (1793 - 1872): “Reminiscences of Scottish Life: A Toast”
We wish all good things for you. If you would like to add your ‘Best Wishes and Toasts,’ please contact us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Thanks, and keep thinking happy thoughts until the Universe overflows with them!
Fluffy the Spider
Meet Fluffy, the least terrifying spider of all,
She will not jump on people or go up the wall -
We can ‘almost’ promise she will never bite, too,
Because she’s made of pipe cleaners, googly eyes, and glue.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
A common saying is, “You are never more than five feet from a spider.” That may be true when people are indoors, but we suspect that when people are outdoors, spiders are much closer than that, if you are a good observer. In the Great Outdoors, spiders are everywhere, all around you, at your feet, just above your head, mere inches from your hands and face and any other exposed skin! They could even crawl up under your clothes, and build a spider nest on you or bite you!
Arachnophobia is a persistent fear of spiders and other arachnids. Arachnophobia is ranked number one in the top ten list of most common phobias. ‘Arachnophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘arachne’ meaning ‘spider’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’
Trish: What do you get when you cross a spider with an elephant?
Mitch: I don’t know, but if it tries to crawl across the ceiling, you had better get out of there fast!
Spiders are arachnids, not insects. Arachnids have eight legs with two to three tiny claws on the end of each one, and two body sections, called the cephalothorax and the abdomen. By contrast, insects have six legs, two antennae or feelers, and three body sections, called the head, the thorax, and the abdomen.
Perhaps the most charming spider ever is Charlotte. She lives in a barn and saves the life of her good friend, Wilbur the pig: “‘Why did you do all this for me?’ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.’” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985)): “Charlotte’s Web” (15 October 1952)
Most spiders are carnivores, or animals that eat animals. They eat insects such as caterpillars, crickets, grasshoppers, beetles, moths, and even other spiders. Large spiders, including tarantulas, also eat small reptiles such as lizards and snakes, amphibians such as toads and frogs, small rodents such as mice and pinky rats, and bats and small birds.
We should have a Spider Appreciation Day in recognition of all the good that spiders do here on Earth. Until we do, we’ll just have to settle for Save a Spider Day, which falls on 14 March of each year. Hooray for spiders!
The Bagheera kiplingi is the world’s only spider that is mostly vegetarian. It is a jumping spider of Central America that feeds primarily on acacia plants.
Math Problem: An average 0.404685642 hectare (1 acre) field on Earth has 1.25 million spiders living in it. If each spider has eight legs, how many wiggly-wriggly spider legs are in an average field?
Most spiders are harmless to humans. Unlike mosquitoes and ticks, spiders do not feed on human blood, and they usually will not bite a human unless threatened or surprised. Illness or death from spider bites is rare because most spiders do not have fangs with the length needed to puncture skin.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey -
When along came a spider
Who sat down beside her,
And said, “What’s in the bowl, missy?”
(A tuffet is a hillock or small mound, similar to a hill.)
This fierce creature is called a brown recluse spider. It is about the size of one of the coins in your pocket, but do not be deceived by its size - it can kill you with a single venomous bite.
In instances of the relatively few spider species that are capable of biting and injecting venom, the resulting symptoms can range from mild irritation to death, depending on the species of spider and whether it is a male or a female spider. In rare instances, some spider bites can cause blood disorders. For example, brown recluse spider venom may cause red blood cells to burst. This can lead to other symptoms, such as acute kidney injury and jaundice.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her.
And since she was still hungry,
She ate the spider, too.
Funnel web spiders are native to Australia. They are aggressive spiders that attack and bite people. Their poison has been known to kill in just fifteen minutes. Fortunately, there is an antivenom, and deaths from this spider are now rare.
Gomer: What did the spider bride wear when she got married?
Goober: Her webbing dress.
The brown recluse spider, found in the southeastern United States of America, gets its name from its color and its perceived shy nature. The bite of the brown recluse spider is particularly dangerous because its bite is initially painless. A person may be bitten without realizing it, but after a time, the skin starts to swell and become incredibly painful. A bite can kill a person if not treated.
Melody: Why are spiders good baseball players?
Harmony: Because they know how to catch flies!
The black widow and the brown recluse are the only two spiders in North America whose bite can be serious. While the hobo spider is a possible third toxic spider, some researchers argue that the hobo spider’s venom is not as dangerous.
Shelly: Who saw Little Miss Muffet eating her curds and whey?
Flora: It was a spider that spied her!
The most venomous spider in the world is the Brazilian Wandering Spider, or the banana spider. This aggressive spider wanders the forest floors of Central and South America looking for food. Just a tiny amount of its venom is enough to kill a human.
Just think, if spiders were as big as horses, it might not be so bad, because if you were bitten by one, you could ride it to the hospital. Giddy-up, spider!
What to do if you are bitten by a spider: First, shout, “Spider!” and then get its license plate number - oh, somebody has just said that spiders do not have license plates. Capture the spider in a tightly sealed container or at least take a picture of it with your cell phone, so that emergency workers or medical personnel can identify it to determine if it is poisonous and if antivenom or other treatment will be needed. Get immediate medical attention, because spider venom acts quickly - have someone drive you to a hospital or doctor, or call for an ambulance. If the spider is radioactive, a spandex crime-fighter costume and an assortment of supervillains may play a big part in your future. Mostly, though, because we have no idea what we are talking about, completely disregard the preceding advice, and ask a knowledgeable person what to do if you are bitten by a spider.
The itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain.
So the itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the spout again!
(We could all learn a lesson in perseverance from that itsy-bitsy spider.)
Spiders have silk glands inside their abdomens. After silk is made in their glands, it leaves the spiders’ bodies through spinnerets, which are small tubes found at the spiders’ bottoms. Spiders have between two and six spinnerets. Each one has an ending like a tiny showerhead, with hundreds of holes, all producing liquid silk, which solidifies when it comes in contact with air. Some spiders have up to seven types of silk glands, each creating a different type of silk, such as smooth, sticky, dry, airy, dense, or elastic (stretchy).
Some male spiders pluck their webs like a guitar, to get female spiders to notice them, and some male spiders give dead flies to female spiders as presents. Guys, are you paying attention to this?
Spiders use their fine shiny threads of silk to make webs and traps for catching prey, to wrap their prey in to have as food later, to construct nests or nurseries to protect spiderlings (young spiders) from the weather and animals, to make life lines or tight ropes, to make cocoons, to make diving bells (for spiders that hunt underwater), and to make egg sacs to hold or carry their eggs in. A strand of spider’s silk is finer than a human hair, and weight for weight, spider’s silk is stronger than steel. The tips of spider legs are oily, and the oil keeps spiders from becoming stuck in their own webs.
Donald: Why did the spider go on the internet?
Gerald: To create a website.
Spiders, silk worms, and some insect larvae make silk, but spiders are the only animals that build webs from silk, and while all spiders spin silk, not all spiders weave webs. Over many millions of years, spider webs have evolved into a variety of types, including sheets, tangles, ladders, and the familiar orb webs which resembles a net. Web-weaving spiders have two or three claws at the tip of each leg that they use to swing from strand to strand without becoming stuck in the sticky part of their webs.
Margot: What do you call two spiders that just go married?
Some spider webs are sticky because of glue droplets that spiders deposit on them. The droplets are three times thinner than the diameter of a single human hair. Scientists describe these droplets as being similar to chewing gum in that they are very stretchy. Spider webs are not passive traps, and because of the electrically conductive glue spread across the web surface, webs spring towards their prey. Scientists have found that the glue spirals on spider webs distort the Earth’s electrical field within a few millimeters of the web.
Arachnoleptic fit, noun: The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider web.
Spiders use their silk thread to travel. They travel to find new places to make webs, to find food, or to keep their spiderlings. They sometimes attach a silk thread to something, and then they let out silk as the wind picks them up and carries them along on their safety line, or they lower themselves down on a silk thread.
Vincent: What are spiders’ webs good for?
Abandoned spider webs are called ‘cobwebs.’ The word ‘cob’ is an obsolete word meaning ‘spider’ and is a shortened form of the Old English word attercop, which literally means ‘poison head.’
Tarantulas are large hairy spiders that live in warm places around the world, including South America, southern North America, southern Europe, Africa, southern Asia, India, Malaysia, Thailand, and Australia. They live in rain forests, deserts, and other habitats. Within these areas, some tarantulas live in underground burrows, some live on the ground, and others live in trees. Of course, some of them also live in pet stores and as pets in people’s homes.
Tarantulas have hairy legs and hairy bodies. The sensitive hairs help them feel their way around in their environment and allow them to detect the movement of prey through vibration.
Tarantulas, although among the most feared spiders in the world, have weak venom and a bite that feels similar to a wasp’s sting. Some other types of spiders can be deadly if they bite humans, but there are no known cases of humans dying from tarantula bites.
Although some tarantulas do line their burrows with silk, tarantulas do not spin webs to catch their prey as some other spiders do, but rather, tarantulas stalk or hunt their prey, pounce on them, and kill or immobilize them by stabbing them with their venomous fangs. They can also inject a chemical into their prey that dissolves the flesh into a liquid form, which the tarantulas then suck up and digest. Tarantulas can crush their smaller prey using their powerful mouth pincers.
During the 16th and 17th centuries, it was believed that a bite from a species of wolf spider (named tarantula, after the Taranto region in Italy) would be deadly if the victim did not dance to a specific type of frenzied music. It inspired a dance called the tarantella. When you stop and think about it, this makes a lot of sense . . . no, it doesn't . . . yes, it does . . . no, it doesn't . . . yes, it does . . .
The world’s biggest spider is the Goliath Spider (Theraphosa blondi), also known as the Goliath Birdeater or the Goliath bird-eating tarantula. It lives in the tropical rainforests of Central and South America, and can grow up to 28 centimeters (11 inches) across, with fangs that can be up to 2.54 centimeters (1 inch) long. It hunts frogs, lizards, mice, small snakes, and young birds. The world’s smallest spider is the Patu marplesi. It is so small that ten of them could fit on the end of a pencil.
When a spider travels, it always has four legs touching the ground and four legs off the ground at any given moment.
A Bit of Folklore
If you wish to
Live and thrive,
Let the spider
Harvestmen, also called Daddy Longlegs, are not spiders, but they are close relatives and as such bear a strong family resemblance. Unlike spiders, which have two main body sections, Harvestmen can appear to have just one because the two body sections are less clearly differentiated. They do have eight legs just like spiders, though harvestmen’s legs are much longer. Harvestmen are not poisonous to humans.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating a burger and fries
When along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And said, “Yuck! I prefer flies.”
Despite numerous claims making their way around the internet, it is not true that the average person will swallow eight or any other number of spiders during his or her lifetime while sleeping. In fact, it is unlikely that any spider will ever end up inside a sleeping person’s mouth. Also, spiders do not typically bite sleeping people. So, you can now sleep without fear of being bitten by spiders or unintentionally snacking on spiders. However, there are still mosquitoes, bedbugs, fleas, tics, lice, and other creepy-crawlies for you to worry about.
Spider Phil: Those mosquitoes are pretty pesky. Why don’t you shoo them?
Spider Jill: It’s too costly. We’ll just have to let them go barefoot.
Water spiders are the only spiders that spend their entire lives under water. The spiders construct ‘diving bells’ that allow them to live and spin webs underwater. They use their legs like fishing poles to pull in insects, tadpoles, and even small fish.
Seeing a spider is not the problem . . . the problem arises when you lose sight of the spider . . . because then it could be anywhere!
'MFOL!' is a website, so naturally there will be a few spiders on it. You can help wiggly-wriggly spiders everywhere become wiggly-giggly spiders by sending your spider jokes to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. What’s next? Well, let’s see . . .
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” -Stephen King (born in 1947)
Maribelle: What did the shy pebble say?
Clarabelle: “I wish I was a little boulder.”
“You know what my greatest personal stumbling block is? My shyness.” -Susan Lucci
“The level of shyness has gone up dramatically in the last decade. I think shyness is an index of social pathology rather than a pathology of the individual.” -Philip Zimbardo
“I like parties, but I’m shy, and I often find myself standing around, feeling awkward.” -Michael Bergin
What is shyness? Shyness is a feeling of extreme discomfort and intense inhibition in social situations, preventing an individual from participating in interpersonal interactions and relationships. The physical symptoms of shyness can include blushing, sweating, rapid heartbeat, trembling or shaking, difficulty speaking, and upset stomach. Shy individuals feel insecure about themselves, have huge concerns about how others view them, and have a strong tendency to avoid and withdraw from social situations.
Down in a green and shady bed
A modest violet grew;
Its stalk was bent, it hung its head,
As if to hide from view.
-Jane Taylor (1783 - 1824): ‘The Violet,’ stanza 1
“When you’re worried, tell yourself the truth: Shyness is a strength to build on, not a character flaw to be stamped out.” -Author Unknown: “Shyness Is Not a Character Flaw” (at the Malvern School)
“I am quite shy and people think I’m aloof.” -Kristen Stewart
“The two commonest mistakes in judgement . . . are, the confounding of shyness with arrogance - a very common mistake indeed - and the not understanding that an obstinate nature exists in a perpetual struggle with itself.” -Charles Dickens (1812 -1870)
What causes shyness? Some people claim shyness is caused entirely by genetics, but it is likely closer to the truth that shyness has more than a single cause. Individuals vary, but some possible causes of shyness can be emotional abuse, physical abuse, being bullied, frequent relocation (moving around a lot), being different from other people - and there are so many ways in which people are different that there is not enough space to list them here, prolonged isolation, poverty, hardships, losses, medical conditions, traumatization, upbringing, being the new guy or gal, culture shock, social inexperience, or a general difference in life experiences - and there are shy individuals who have dealt with every single one of these things and more in their lives.
Wallflower: A decoration for ballrooms.
“There is a shyness about me, and I really need to get out more.” -Priscilla Presley
“Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.” -Jonathan Katz
I’m not shy, I’m . . .
- studying the situation.
- a good listener.
- weighing my options.
- taking it all in.
- a person of few words.
- arranging my thoughts.
- a doer, not a talker.
“I bought a book to help me overcome my shyness and it really works - now I can talk to people while hiding behind it!” -Author Unknown
“What the word shyness basically refers to is if someone is worried about how he or she appears to other people.” -Wanda Bethea
“Shyness displays itself differently in me. I think it’s more an awkwardness.” -Daniel Radcliffe
“If you do not make small talk, you will never make big talk.” -Author Unknown
Is it possible that shyness is sometimes a temporary state, like anger or fear, rather than being something permanent, like height or eye color?
“Life is too short to be shy!” -Carolyn Schrieber
“In talking, shyness and timidity distort the very meaning of my words. I don’t pretend to know anybody well. People are like shadows to me and I am like a shadow.” -Gwen John
Shyness and Self-Esteem
While not all shy people have low self-esteem, shyness is often seen as a symptom of fear or lack of self-confidence. When you’re shy, it usually means that you’re self-conscious and worried about what other people think about you. Occasional shyness is normal, but when it becomes a habit, it can be detrimental to your progress in all of life: work, school, friendships, and social activities.
Because of the connection between shyness and self-esteem, building your self-esteem step-by-step can help you overcome your shyness. There are several things you can do to boost your self-esteem, whether you’re suffering from depression or you’re just having a bad day.
Make an inventory of things that you like about yourself. Do this as often as necessary. You can write anything - from simple things such as your ability to whistle, or more complex things such as your strength of character. It doesn’t mean that you should ignore your weaknesses and pretend that they don’t exist, you just have to accept yourself for who you are. Don’t include things such as financial success, the admiration of your peers, or the way you look. After all, self-esteem is about how you view yourself - these external factors don’t matter. When you gauge your strengths, you’ll be able to see how unique and valuable you are.
Find something that you’re good at, and work on it. If you have the talent for cooking, why not work on some new and original dishes? Activities involving art, such as painting and writing, can definitely give your mind a feeling of freedom and accomplishment. Even bird watching can improve your mood greatly. Whatever your talents are, make sure that you get to ‘practice’ them once a week, so that your mind will be given a chance to refresh itself after a stressful week of work or school.
Only recall good, happy, and exciting memories. Whenever you’re sitting down to think, make sure that you actively call out happy memories. This is because when you start thinking negatively, an entire swarm of negative feelings and memories will come right at you. Don’t waste your time with the bad. Think only of the good things you experienced, the great people you encountered, and even funny jokes you have heard.
Volunteer your time to the community or work with outreach programs. Being in a team that helps others allows you to think beyond yourself. Keep yourself busy by interacting with other people and learning from them. You’ll find that most people are very much like you - they all want to be surrounded by their loved ones, they have their own fears, and they also deal with feelings of inadequacy. When you realize that other people are just like you, you’ll see that there’s nothing to fear in social situations.
By conquering any feelings of low self-esteem, you will realize that you are deserving of love, admiration, and respect. When you realize this, you will also be able to conquer your shyness during social situations.
“Faint heart never won fair lady.” -William Camden (1551 - 1623): “Remains Concerning Britain” (1605)
“Sometimes those who don’t socialize much aren’t actually anti-social, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.” -Author Unknown
“I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993)
“The shell must break before the bird can fly.” -Alfred Tennyson (1809 - 1892)
“Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life that you’d like to do.” -Steven Morrissey
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it myself.” -Author Unknown
Being ‘introverted’ and being ‘shy’ are not the same thing. Many introverts are not shy and many shies are not introverts. The literal meaning of ‘introvert’ is ‘inward focused’ and usually refers to people who give their greatest attention to their own interests, often having little inclination to the interests of others. Shy people, however, are very often frustrated extroverts, that is, people who would like to be outgoing and social, but who also feel inhibited or held back.
“Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.” -Susan Cain: “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” (24 January 2012)
“Even when a person is as shy as a mouse, you still have to beware of the tiger within.” -Author Unknown
“I have had strange animals as pets all my life. I was shy growing up, and shy people tend to interact better with animals than people. Animals are direct, not duplicitous.” -Yvonne Craig
“I was actually pretty shy in school. My defense mechanism was to be the class clown. I remember getting into a lot of trouble for being disruptive, and I was brought in front of the head teacher, who said, ‘What’s going to happen to you - what are you going to do when you grow up?’ And I said, ‘Well, I’m obviously going to be a comedian.’” -Adam Clayton
“People who make no noise are dangerous.” -Jean de La Fontaine (1621 - 1695)
“The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.” -Claudia Alta (Taylor) ‘Lady Bird’ Johnson (1912 - 2007)
“We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring.” -David Grayson (1870 - 1946)
“I’m very shy, so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.” -Don Rickles
“I grew up being very shy, very much a bookworm, and I remember desperately wondering how to be accepted by the popular kids.” -Lisa Kleypas
“I’m just shy - not antisocial - you can talk to me!” -Author Unknown
“I genuinely enjoy talking one-to-one. I have no shyness about that.” -Stephanie Beacham
We cannot make shy people suddenly become non-shy by making them feel bad about being shy. Do not call a shy person antisocial, arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic, self-centered, mentally ill, introverted, slow, or sneaky - none of these things are what shyness is, and name calling and labeling will not help. Always remember: Just because you have labeled people does not mean you have helped them. Do not ridicule, tease, shame, or bully shy people. Instead, focus on encouragement, and if you know how, coaching or social skills teaching, keeping in mind that many shy people may very well know more about social skills than you do, but may simply have never had a safe opportunity to try them out and put them into regular practice.
“Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.” -Marcel Achard
Overheard: My shyness has ruined so many opportunities.
“Sometimes quiet people really do have a lot to say, they’re just being careful about who they open up to.” -Author Unknown
“My personality is hard to explain. I’m a big personality, and I enjoy being social. But I’m shy at first and sometimes ramble too much. I’m a shy extrovert.” -Author Unknown
Shy like an eagle . . .
“If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.” -Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005): “Children Learn What They Live: Parenting to Inspire Values” (1998), page vi
“Cameras are a lifesaver for very shy people who have nowhere else to hide. Behind a lens they can disguise the fact that they have nothing to say to strangers.” -Pat Conroy
“It’s funny - when people call you ‘shy,’ they usually smile. Like it’s cute, some funny little habit you’ll grow out of when you’re older, like the gaps in your grin when your baby teeth fall out. If they knew how it felt - really being shy, not just unsure at first - they wouldn’t smile. Not if they knew how the feeling knots up your stomach or makes your palms sweat or robs you of the ability to say anything that makes sense. It’s not cute at all.” -Author Unknown
“A struggle with shyness is in every actor more than anyone can imagine.” -Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Mortenson (1926 - 1962))
“The fact of the matter is that most actors are shy people.” -Roger Moore (Roger George Moore (born in 1927))
“I think I had a shyness about me, I think I discovered acting as a way to break out of that and as a way of belonging, a sense of being special.” -Michael C. Hall
Perhaps the most important consideration in addressing shyness is that we not waste people’s entire lifetimes while we argue over how to categorize shyness, whether it is caused by nature or nurture, or genetics or environment, or who is at fault. Instead, we need to focus on determining whether particular shy individuals are comfortable with their shyness or if they are suffering from their shyness. If they are comfortable with their shyness, we should let them be who they are. If they are suffering from their shyness, we should use the best of our humanity to help them. We can experiment a little - trying different ideas, discarding ideas that do not work and keeping ideas that do work.
“And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.” -Paul Merton
“I am very shy - really shy - I even had a stutter as a kid, which I slowly got over, but I still regress into that shyness. So I don’t like walking into a crowded restaurant by myself; I don’t like going to a party by myself.” -Nicole Kidman
“Writing is show business for shy people. That’s how I see it.” -Lee Child
“I’ve gotten better at not making people feel uncomfortable with my shyness.” -Clea DuVall
“I don’t really want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise . . . as I see it, if you’re quiet, you’re not living. You’ve got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy and colorful and lively.” -Mel Brooks (born in 1926)
“Shyness is really wondering if you have other people’s approval.” -Dorothy Sarnoff
“Even wallflowers bloom.” -Author Unknown
Gosh, you sure look swell when you smile - you should do that more often! By the way, do you have any fun or learning about shyness you would like to add to this topic? We can be reached at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
Look, it’s Bigfoot, the wild man of the forest! Oh, wait, it’s a porcupine . . .
Perry: What is part pig and part tree?
Jerry: A porky-pine!
There once were two back-country geezers
Who got porcupine quills in their sneezers.
The sat beak to beak
For more than a week
Working over each other with tweezers.
Polly: What do you get when you cross a cat with a porcupine?
Holly: An animal that says, “Meowch!” when it licks itself.
- An adult male porcupine is called a boar.
- An adult female porcupine is called a sow.
- A young porcupine is called a pup or a porcupette.
- A group of porcupines is called a family or a prickle.
- The sounds made by porcupines are called screeches, whines, and grunts.
- Porcupines are mostly nocturnal, or active at night.
- Porcupines are primarily herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Porcupines in the wild live for about 5 to 7 years.
- Porcupines in captivity can live for up to 20 years.
Priscilla: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
What do porcupines eat? Porcupines are regarded as being primarily herbivores, or animals that eat plants. They like leaves, including grass, evergreen needles, and clover. They also eat bark, stems, twigs, roots, flowers and flower buds, nuts, seeds, berries and other fruit, and aquatic, or water, plants. However, porcupines do eat insects, small reptiles, and bird eggs, though less often. They are particularly partial to salt. Basically, if something can be gnawed on, there is a porcupine somewhere trying to get to it to eat it.
When porcupines get
together for picnics,
to bring any toothpicks.
Megan: What did the nearsighted porcupine say to the cactus?
Melvin: “Is that you, Patricia?”
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges.
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
The English word ‘porcupine’ was derived from the Middle French ‘porc d’espine’ meaning ‘spiny pig’ or ‘thorny pig.’ Middle French ‘porc d’espine’ was itself derived from the Latin words ‘porcus’ meaning ‘pig’ and ‘spina’ meaning ‘spine’ or ‘thorn.’ The Middle French ‘porc d’espine’ was adopted into Middle English as variants such as ‘porcupyne’ and ‘porcapyne.’ Over time, these variants became the standardized Modern English word ‘porcupine.’ A fun though somewhat archaic English word for porcupine is ‘quill-pig.’ Although the word ‘pig’ can be found in the original names for them, porcupines are actually rodents and unrelated to pigs.
Jacque: How do you pet a porcupine?
Jacqueline: Very, very carefully!
Porcupines have soft hair over most of their bodies, but it is best not to try to pet them, because their soft hair is intermixed with modified hairs called quills, or spikes. They are sharp, needle-like growths, located on the backs and sides and tails. An average adult porcupine has approximately 30,000 of these quills, which grow out and are replaced with new ones each year. The quills are about 7 centimeters (about 2.75 inches) long. While porcupines cannot ‘shoot’ their quills, they do detach quite easily from the animals, become imbedded in the skin, and are difficult to remove. The quills can be extremely painful to people, pets, livestock, and other animals that are pricked by them. Porcupine quills are not venomous, poisonous, or toxic of themselves, but they are likely to be covered with microbes that cause infections when the quills scratch or pierce the skin. The infections can sicken and even kill people and animals. Following any contact with a porcupine, go immediately to a doctor, and take your pet or any other animal to a veterinarian, for medical attention.
A porcupine looks somewhat silly.
He also is extremely quilly.
And if he shoots a quill at you,
Run fast -
Or you’ll be quilly, too.
I would not want a porcupine
To be my loving valentine.
Pearl: What do porcupines say when they kiss?
A very sad, very short love story: A nearsighted porcupine fell in love with a pin-cushion.
Cag the Porcupine
Cag the porcupine poked out his nose.
He lived in the wild where the Alagash flows.
His hair wasn’t curly, his temper was surly.
He’d risen too early which heightened his woes.
Cag the porcupine lumbered along,
There wasn’t a thing in the woods but was wrong.
The world as created was much overrated
And, oh, how he hated that chickadee’s song.
Cag the porcupine lurched on his way.
The fox and the wolverine wished him, “Good day.”
But Cag only mumbled and onward he stumbled,
“Some people,” he grumbled, “have too much to say.”
Cag the porcupine grumped to the hills,
“These sociable folks are the worst of my ills.
I wish I were prickly and stickly” and quickly
He found himself thickly provided with quills.
Cag the porcupine nibbles a cone,
The thistli-est, bristli-est, quadruped known,
And nobody pets him and nobody frets him
And everyone lets him strictly alone.
Porcupines are excellent swimmers because their hollow air-filled quills make it easy for them to stay afloat in water. Just remember what your mother told you, though: “Never go swimming with sharks, alligators, or porcupines.”
a friend of mine,
went out to pat
She very shortly
came back in,
“One never, ever
should,” said Jane,
“go out and pat
-N. M. Bodecker
Do you know any porcupine jokes? Jokes . . . you know, they’re like, for people who want to be clowns but who don’t have clown costumes . . . How about personal stories of encounters with porcupines? Why not tell us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
“Nothing is worth more than this day.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So . . . get on your way!
-Doctor Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991)): “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” (1990)
“I held a moment in my hand, brilliant as a star, fragile as a flower, a tiny sliver of one hour. I dropped it carelessly, Ah! I didn’t know, I held opportunity.” -Hazel Lee
Garth: Do you know what today is?
Heath: No - what is it?
Garth: It is the day after yesterday!
“What we do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows.” -Alexander Stoddard
“Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness.” -May Sarton (pseudonym of Eleanore Marie Sarton (1912 - 1995))
The Gift of a Day
Every day’s a perfect gift
of time for us to use,
Hours waiting to be filled
in any way we choose.
Each morning brings
a quiet hope
that rises with the Sun.
Each evening brings
the sweet content
that comes with work well done.
“The living moment is everything.” -D. H. Lawrence (David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930))
“Remember what was. Anticipate what will be. But live in the moment that lies in between.” -Author Unknown
“Act in the precious present.” -Author Unknown
“Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower (Dwight David ‘Ike’ Eisenhower (1890 - 1969)): as quoted in Louis Filler: “The President Speaks: From William McKinley to Lyndon B. Johnson” (1964)
“Do something today that your future self will thank you for.” -Author Unknown
“The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.” -Alice Morse Earle (1851 - 1911): “Sun Dials and Roses of Yesterday: Garden Delights Which Are Here Displayed in Very Truth and Are Morever Regarded As Emblems” (1902)
“Let today be the start of something new.” -Author Unknown
“Today is a brand new day. My past does not define me. My future is mine to create.” -Author Unknown
Today is mine. It is unique.
Nobody in the world has one exactly like it.
It holds the sum of all my past experiences and all my future potentials.
I can fill it with joyous moments or ruin it with fruitless worry.
If painful recollections of the past come into my mind,
or frightening thoughts of the future, I can put them away.
They cannot spoil today for me.
“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Psalms,’ chapter 118, verse 24
“Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.” -Author Unknown
“There is only one time that is important - now! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power.” -Leo Tolstoy (1828 - 1910)
“If not now, when will you begin living your life?” -Jack Borland
“The future depends on what we do in the present.” -Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948)
“No day passeth, without something we wish not.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia” (1732), number 3,558
“It’s a beautiful day - don’t let it get away!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.” -John A. Wheeler (1911 - 2008)
“Today is the wise man’s day, tomorrow is the fool’s day. The wise man is the one who, when he sees what ought to be done, does it today. The foolish man, when he sees what ought to be done, says, ‘I will do it tomorrow.’” -Author Unknown
“Every day is a gift.” -Author Unknown
“Whatever I’m doing today is important, and I will do my level best, because I’m giving up a day of my life to do it.” -Pat Williams
“Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.” -Marsha Petrie Sue
“The passing moment is all that we can be sure of; it is only common sense to extract its utmost value from it . . .” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 -1965))
“Either you run the day, or the day runs you.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“I think, what has this day brought me, and what have I given it?” -Henry Moore (1898 - 1986)
Live in the Present
One day at a time
this is enough.
Do not look back
and grieve over the past
for it is gone;
and do not be troubled
about the future
for it has not yet come.
Live in the present
and make it so beautiful
that it will be worth
“Make the most of today. Translate your good intentions into actual deeds.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953)
“If you are going to do something, do it now. Tomorrow is too late.” -Pete Goss
“Never underestimate the value of a day.” -Author Unknown
“What very mysterious things days were. Sometimes they fly by, and other times they seem to last forever, yet they are all exactly twenty-four hours. There’s quite a lot we don’t know about them.” -Melanie Benjamin
“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb
“Your future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow.” -Robert T. Kiyosaki
“Seize the day, trust as little as possible in tomorrow.” [English translation]
“Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.” [original Latin]
-Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)): “Odes” (23 B.C.E.), book 1, number 11, final line
“Make good use of today.” -Author Unknown
“Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.” -Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592): “Essais” (“Essays”) (March 1580), Book 1, chapter 8
“Today is tomorrow’s yesterday.” -Author Unknown
Mend a quarrel. Search out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed.
Keep a promise. Find the time. Forego a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate, be kind, be gentle. Laugh a little more.
Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency. Express your gratitude. Worship your God. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the Earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once again.
“One today is worth two tomorrows.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): “The Way to Wealth” (1758)
“The man who waits until tomorrow, misses the opportunities of today.” -Author Unknown
“Now is all there is.” -Author Unknown
“Day, noun: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
“Today will never happen again. Don’t waste it with a false start or no start at all.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))
“Just for today let us live this one day only, forgetting yesterday and tomorrow, and not trying to solve the whole problem of life at once.” -Joseph Fort Newton
“No time like the present.” -Mary de la Riviere Manley
“You will never have this day again, so make it count.” -Author Unknown
Present: That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
“Today . . . spend more time with people who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.” -Author Unknown
“As long as the day lasts, let’s give it all we’ve got.” -David O. McKay
“Let not the mistakes of yesterday - nor the fears of tomorrow - spoil our today.” -Author Unknown
“One must never be in haste to end a day. There are too few of them in a lifetime.” -Dale Coleman
“The past was. Tomorrow may be. Only today is.” -Sonya Friedman
“Our days are like identical suitcases, all the same size, but some can pack into them twice as much as others.” -Author Unknown
“Look closely at the present you are constructing: it should look like the future you are dreaming.” -Alice Walker (born in 1944)
“There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.” -Alexander Woollcott (1887 - 1943)
“Look to this day! For it is life . . .” -Author Unknown: from the Sanskrit
“There are many fine things which you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favorable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, hence this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtless friend, to sacrifice self a little more for others. Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed, and to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of some less fortunate fellow traveler. Today you can make your life big, broad, significant, and worthwhile. The present is yours to do with it as you will.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953): “Inspiration and Ideals: Thoughts for Every Day” (1918), ‘August Twenty-Eighth’
“Now is the only time anything happens.” -Sylvia Boorstein
“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” -Teresa of Calcutta (1910 - 1997 (also known as Mother Teresa))
“The present is a point just passed.” -David Russell (born in 1953)
“Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.” -Art Buchwald (1925 - 2007): as quoted in “The Journal of the Oklahoma State Medical Association” (1979)
“One has to live in the present. Whatever is past is gone beyond recall; whatever is future remains beyond one’s reach, until it becomes present. Remembering the past and giving thought to the future are important, but only to the extent that they help one deal with the present.” -S. N. Goenka
“What day is it?” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet. “My favorite day.”
-A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956)): “Winnie the Pooh” (14 October 1926)
“What you do today can improve all of your tomorrows.” -Ralph Marston
“Every man’s life lies within the present; for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180))
“There’s only now.” -Bill Murray
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . encouraging you to go out today and make the best memories possible . . .
You are such a good little piggy . . . yes, you are!
“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals.” -Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Mabel: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Hazel: Bacon and legs.
Pigs are animals with stout bodies, small eyes, flat snouts, hoofed feet, and short tails. They vary in color from brown to black to white to pinkish.
I’m a Little Piggy
I’m a little piggy,
Short and stout,
With a little piggy tail
And a little piggy snout.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
(Inspired by the song, “I’m a Little Teapot”)
“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” -Robert Heinlein (Robert Anson Heinlein (1907 - 1988)): “Time Enough for Love” (1973), ‘Prelude II’
- An adult male pig is called a boar.
- An adult female pig is called a sow.
- A young pig is called a piglet.
- A group of piglets is called a litter.
- A group of pigs is called a sounder, a herd, a drove, a passel, a parcel, or a drift.
- The sounds made by pigs are called grunts, snorts, oinks, and squeals.
- Pigs are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals.
- Pigs can live to be 15 years of age.
- Hogs are very large, very heavy pigs.
- Pigs are found on every continent except Antarctica.
Garth: Where do Eskimo pigs live?
Garret: In pig-loos!
Lee: What happened when the pigpen broke?
Roy: The pigs had to write with a pencil.
You’re Eating Like a Pig Again!
“You’re eating like a pig again!”
my mother scolded me,
“If you keep eating like a pig,
a pig is what you’ll be!”
I simply cannot fathom
what the fuss is all about,
and haven’t I a lovely tail,
and see my splendid snout.
Pigs were domesticated, or tamed from wild animals, by humans about 9,000 years ago. Many wild pigs still exist, including wild boars, warthogs, and bushpigs. Some wild pigs have large tusks, which are long teeth used for fighting and digging for food.
Pigs are playful
Pigs are pink
Pigs are smarter
than you think.
Pigs are slippery
Pigs are stout
Pigs have noses
Called a snout.
Pigs are pudgy
Pigs are plump
Pigs can run
But never jump.
Pigs are loyal
Pigs are true.
Pigs don’t care for
Seth: What goes, “Oink, oink,” and steals your money?
Beth: A pig-pocket.
Pigs are smarter than dogs - in fact, pigs are very intelligent animals. They are ranked as the fourth smartest animal on the planet Earth.
2. Primates other than Humans
3. Whales and Dolphins
Gertie: Why did the pig become an actor?
Gertrude: Because he was such a ham.
About 2 billion pigs call the Earth their home. Look, here they all come now, headed in this direction.
Herb looked up from fishing on a riverbank to see a herd of pachyderms stampeding directly toward his picnic basket. They must have escaped from Freddy’s hog farm - or were they just on their regular Saturday outing? Herb did not know the answer to this question, but one thing he did know for sure: If he did not reach the picnic basket before the pigs reached it, his coffee cup full of nightcrawlers might be all eaten up. Herb was in a definite pigdicament.
An average pig squeals at a range from 100 to 115 decibels.
Seven piglets, pink and gray,
who could not keep from squealing,
chased each other all the way
from Wichita to Wheeling.
Under fences, over rails,
they raced with one another,
then turned around and twitched their tails,
and hurried home to Mother.
“A pig bought on credit is forever grunting.” -Author Unknown
Pigs are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals. Pigs eat a variety of small animals, including worms, grubs, and snakes. However, most domesticated pigs that live on farms eat corn as well as agricultural waste and the waste products from food manufacturing. After fields and orchards have been harvested of fruits and vegetables and grains, farmers sometimes release pigs to run around in them, where they gorge themselves on unharvested plant parts, as well as rotten fruits, vegetables, and grains that are not suitable for human consumption. If the fields and orchards were not cleaned up in this way by pigs, rodents, birds, insects, and other scavengers would be attracted to them, and the scavengers would then pose a threat to other crops. On small farms, pigs are often fed swill or slop, made up of kitchen scraps, restaurant waste, and foods discarded by grocers and markets.
“When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon.” -Miss Piggy
We cannot make up our minds - should we be pigs or sheep today? Wait, we know - we will confuse everybody by being both! Actually, these somewhat sheepish looking ‘wooly pigs’ are one hundred percent pig and unrelated to sheep. They are Mangalica, also known as Mangalitsa or Mangalitza, pigs of Hungarian descent.
Jacque: What did one pig say to the other pig?
Pierre: “Let’s be pen pals!”
Anablephobia is a persistent fear of looking up. Pigs do not have this problem, because it is physically impossible for them to do so, since their eyes are on the sides of their big fat heads, and their stocky necks do not allow them to bend their heads far enough. But that is fine for pigs, because most of their food is stuff that has fallen on the ground anyway, and it is not up in the sky.
A bull-voiced young fellow of Rawling
Competes in the meets for hog-calling;
The people applaud,
And the judges are awed,
But the hogs find it simply appalling.
People with allergies sometimes keep pigs as pets because they have hair instead of fur, and so they shed very little. Pigs are easily trained to walk on a leash and do tricks. They can even be house-trained. Pot-bellied pigs are particularly popular as pets. Unfortunately, however, even adorable little piggies do eventually grow up to become gigantic fat hogs that take up a lot of space and demand a lot of attention. Oink!
Sue: Are you a great-big fat hog?
Sue: Don’t worry, little piggy, you’ll grow up someday!
Pinky: What do you call a sunburned pig?
Pigs roll around in the mud to keep cool because they do not have sweat glands. Mud also helps to keep them clean - what? Yes, it is true, mud baths help pigs keep their skin free of bothersome flies, fleas, tics, and lice. Additionally, because pigs can become sunburned, dirt and dried-on mud can provide them with sun-protection.
Curly: What did the pig say when he was sun-tanning in the summer?
Porky: “I’m bacon out here!”
Priscilla Pig: “Wow, I never sausage heat!”
Harvey Hog: “I know - I’m almost bacon!”
A man was walking down the street with a pig under his arm. Another man walking in the other direction asked him, “Where did you get that animal?” The pig replied, “I won him in a raffle!”
Humans farm pigs for meat such as pork, bacon, and ham. Leather, lard, and glue can also be made from pigs. And, of course, jars of pickled pigs feet are a standard interior decoration of many grocery stores.
Little Pig: Hey, there!
Big Pig: Hay, hey? Hay is for horses - aren’t you glad we’re pigs?!
Pigs have an excellent sense of smell. A pig’s snout is an important tool for finding food, for digging to uncover food hidden in the ground, and for sensing the world around them.
Hamlet: A small pig.
Piglets weigh about 1.1 kilograms (2.5 pounds) when they are born. Adult pigs weigh an average of 136 kilograms to 318 kilograms (300 to 700 pounds). In the United States of America, a pig has to weigh over 82 kilograms (180 pounds) to have earned the name hog; however, in much of the rest of the world, 54 kilograms (120 pounds) is accepted.
Gail: Why do pigs eat so much?
Glen: So they can make hogs of themselves.
“It was the best place to be, thought Wilbur, this warm delicious cellar, with the garrulous geese, the changing seasons, the heat of the sun, the passage of swallows, the nearness of rats, the sameness of sheep, the love of spiders, the smell of manure, and the glory of everything.” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985)): “Charlotte’s Web” (15 October 1952)
Question: What do you get if you cross a pig and a conifer?
Answer: A porcupine.
Behold the Pig
Behold the pig!
It’s very big!
Its color pink,
Is nice, I think!
Its tail’s a beaut,
So curly cute!
And on the farm,
It oinks with charm!
In the mud it does play,
On a bright and sunny day!
Rhoda: What do veterinarians put on sick pigs?
“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife’s ear.” -J. B. Morton
Have you ever heard the expression, “When pigs fly?” Well, it turns out that with sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Daphne: What would happen if pigs could fly?
Phoebe: The price of bacon would go way up.
Aggie: What do you call a kosher hog?
Agatha: A Harley motorbike.
Patty: Why did the three little pigs leave home?
Patsy: Their father was an awful boar.
If a pig loses its voice, it is disgruntled?
Little Piggy: How do pigs store their computer files?
Boss Hog: On sloppy disks.
Swine Flu symptoms include a propensity for saying, “Oink, oink!” and an urge to roll in the mud. You can reduce your chances of getting the condition by being jabbed with a sharp needle by your doctor or other health care provider.
Laverne: What game do hogs like to play?
Shauna: What do you get when you put a pig behind the wheel?
Shane: A road hog.
Pigment: Something you give to a pig so that it will have fresh breath.
Ode to the Pig: His Tail
My tail is not impressive
But it’s elegant and neat.
In length it’s not excessive -
I can’t curl it round my feet -
But it’s awfully expressive,
And its weight is not excessive,
And I don’t think it’s conceit,
Or foolishly possessive
If I state with some aggressive-
ness that it’s the final master touch
That makes a pig complete.
-Walter R. Brooks
Samantha: What wallows in the mud and carries colored eggs?
Samuel: The Easter Piggy!
Arabelle: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Annabelle: A piiig.
‘Make Fun Of Life!’ . . . We do it all for the love of laughter and learning . . .
William: What is gray and tons of fun?
Katherine: An elephant!
Bernice: What is large, gray, and writes?
Brad: A ballpoint elephant!
The elephant is quite a beast,
He’s rather large to say the least,
And though his size is quite impressive,
The elephant is not aggressive,
He never throws his weight around,
Still he always holds his ground.
He only wants to feel secure.
Long may the elephant endure!
Minerva: What is big and gray and goes, “Bubble-bubble-ka-boom!”
Minnie: An elephan experimenting with a chemistry set.
- An adult male elephant is called a bull.
- An adult female elephant is called a cow.
- A young elephant is called a calf.
- A group of elephants is called a herd.
- A group of elephants walking in single-file is called a parade.
- The sound made by elephants is called trumpeting.
- Elephants are the largest land animals on Earth.
- Elephants are herbivores, or plants-eaters.
Timothy: How can you tell when there are elephants in your refrigerator?
Theresa: You can hear them giggling.
Elephants belong to the family of animals known as pachyderms, meaning thick-skinned animals. Other members of the pachyderm family are rhinoceroses, hippopotamuses, pigs, tapirs, and extinct wooly mammoths and mastodons.
Sandra: Why do elephants catch colds?
Joyce: Well, you would too, if you ran around all the time without any clothes on!
The two main types of elephants are the African elephant and the Asian elephant.
Lee: What is the difference between an African and an Asian elephant?
Lars: About three thousand miles!
African elephants are also known by the scientific name Loxodonta africana. African elephants are divided into two species: the African Forest Elephant and the African Bush Elephant. Both male and female African elephants have tusks. The ears of African elephants are about 1.5 meters (about 5 feet) long.
Bill: Why do elephants live in the jungle?
Glen: Because they are too big to fit in Tarzan’s treehouse.
The scientific name for Asian elephants is Elephas maximus. Asian elephants have smaller bodies and smaller ears than African elephants. Only the males of the Asian elephants have tusks.
Marybeth: What is gray and weighs 200 pounds?
Maribelle: A bouncing baby elephant!
Newborn baby elephants weight about 91 kilograms (200 pounds). Adult elephants weigh between 2,268 and 6,350 kilograms (5,000 and 14,000 pounds). Some male elephants can grow to be 4 meters (13 feet tall) and weigh between 4,536 and 6,350 kilograms (10,000 and 14,000 pounds). The largest elephant on record weighed about 12,000 kilograms (26,000 pounds).
Darlene: What do elephants say when they bump into each other?
Charlene: “Small world, isn’t it?”
Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump, and that is good, because the last thing we need is more earthquakes!
Hickory dickory dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
Arvin: How can you tell that elephants are always ready for adventure?
Allen: They always have their trunks ready to go!
Anne: What has four legs and a trunk?
Drew: An elephant?
Anne: A mouse going on vacation - fooled you!
After their size, the most noticeable feature of elephants is their trunks. A trunk is an elongation of an elephant’s nose and upper lip. An elephant’s trunk can grow to be about 2 meters (about 6.5 feet) long, and has about 40,000 muscles, but contains no bones. Besides being used for breathing and smelling, the trunk can be used in much the same way that humans use their arms and hands. Elephants are able to sense the size, shape, texture, and temperature of objects by feeling with their trunks. Elephants have two fingerlike projections at the tips of their trunks, which can be used to manipulate and grasp small objects and to pluck grass and leaves to eat. Elephants use their trunks to lift food and to suck up water, which they then pour it into their mouths. In summary, elephant’s trunks are very useful tools.
Michelle: Why do elephants have trunks?
Mabelle: Because glove compartments aren’t nearly so stylish.
Geronimo: What do you say when you scold an elephant?
Tecumseh: “Tusk! Tusk!”
Elephants have pairs of tusks, which are long teeth made of a substance called ivory. Elephant tusks grow throughout their lifetimes and can weigh more than 200 pounds. Their tusks help them obtain food and dig in the ground for water. Elephants can also use their tusks to carry heavy objects such as tree trunks.
Jeremy: What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
Jered: An umbrellaphant!
Elephants have large, thin ears. Within them is a complex network of blood vessels. As blood circulates through their ears, it releases heat into the air. Elephants can flap their ears, causing the blood within them to release heat at an even faster rate. The cooled blood then circulates through the rest of the elephants’ massive bodies, helping to keep elephants cool in the hot climates where they live.
Pete: What is big and gray and hums?
Paul: An electric elephant!
Rudy: Why don’t more elephants go to college?
Ruby: Because so few of them graduate from high school.
Opal: Why are elephants so poor?
Violet: Because they work for peanuts!
Eva: Why is an elephant gray?
Martin: So you won’t mistake him for a bluebird.
Elephantine: Resembling or characteristic of an elephant or elephants, especially in being large, clambering, or awkward.
Jimmy: Why can’t elephants fly?
James: Because they don’t have propellers.
“Nature’s great masterpiece, an elephant, the only harmless great thing.” -John Donne (1572 - 1631)
Owen: How do elephants get squinty eyes?
Wendell: From reading the small print on peanut packages.
Elephants are herbivores, and spend 16 to 20 hours a day eating leaves, twigs (small branches), bark, tree roots, bamboo, and grasses. They especially like leaves from upper branches, which they get by pushing down trees with their large heads and bodies. They get bark by scraping it off trees with their sharp tusks. During the wet or rainy season, elephants eat things low to the ground, and during the dry season, they use their trunks to gather food from trees and bushes that are higher off the ground. Adult elephants eat 136 to 272 kilograms (300 to 600 pounds) of food every day.
Aaron: Why do elephants eat raw plants?
Isaac: Because they don’t know how to cook.
Beverly: Why was the elephant sitting on the marshmallow?
Christine: Because she didn’t want to fall into the hot chocolate.
Adult elephants need to drink at least 210 liters (55 gallons) of water every day. If an elephant’s trunk can hold about 9.5 liters (about 2.5 gallons) of water, how many times would an elephant need to fill its trunk each day?
Roderick: Why is it dangerous to tell elephant jokes?
Reginald: Because elephants never forget!
Patrice: Why don’t elephants like elephant jokes?
Patrick: They think they’re Dumbo.
Melanie: Who started all these crazy elephant jokes?
Pamela: That’s what the elephants would like to know!
Gladys you and not another elephant joke!
Tabitha: Why did the elephant cross the road?
Abbie: Because he didn’t want to hear that last joke.
Adult elephants sleep between 4 and 5 hours in a 24-hour time period. Their sleep is often broken up into shorter time periods and naps throughout the day and night. In family herds, some of the elephants stay awake while others are sleeping, to guard against predators, especially when the herd has baby elephants to protect. Elephants can adjust their sleep patterns when the weather is hot, napping more in the daytime and staying awake during the cooler nighttime to find food and water.
Male elephant mature and leave their herds at about 12 or 13 years of age, living fairly solitary lives from that point onward.
Ernest: Why do elephants travel in herds?
Otis: Because if they traveled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep.
Female elephants spend their entire lives living in family herds of up to ten females and their young. Each family herd is led by a female elephant called a matriarch, usually the oldest and largest female in the herd. All of the females in the herd are directly related to the matriarch. Herds are known to travel distances of 16 kilometers (10 miles) or farther in a day to look for food and water. When elephants travel, they walk very quietly in single file. Young elephants are led by the older elephants with their tails. They stay close to their mothers at all times. The entire herd will protect the young ones if there are any signs of danger.
Chad: What is big and gray, and wears glass slippers?
Carrie: What is big and grey and has horns?
Karen: An elephant marching band!
While not noted for their musical talent, the most familiar sound made by elephants is called trumpeting. Elephants can purr as cats do. Elephants can also communicate by making singing and rumbling sounds at between 14 and 35 hertz, which is below human hearing range. Elephants can communicate by stomping on the ground, which makes sounds and vibrations that can be detected by other elephants. These varied types of communication allow elephants to locate other elephants and to call wandering individuals back to the herd, and can ever allow several different herds to stay in direct contact over distances of many miles.
Maude: How can you tell if there is an elephant in your snack food?
Todd: Read the list of ingredients.
Overheard: The only reason that a great many people do not own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for ten dollars down and ten dollars a week.
Because of their large size, great strength, and defensive capabilities, full-grown elephants have few natural predators. Elephants can fight with their tusks to defend themselves, and wrap their muscular trunks around other animals. They can push things around with their sheer weight and strength. Elephants can raise their front legs off the ground, standing briefly on just their rear legs, and kick with their front legs or drop their front legs and crushing body weight back down onto any threatening animal. If need be, elephants can also run about 39 kilometers (about 24 miles) an hour for short distances. Even so, elephants in the wild are vulnerable to lions that prey on young or weak elephants, and humans destroy elephant habitats and kill elephants for their ivory tusks.
Darcy: What is big and gray and takes the bus everywhere?
Marcy: An elephant who failed her driver’s license test.
Mortimer: What is gray, has 800 feet, and can’t get off the ground?
Gerard: An airplane full of elephants.
Elephants are good swimmers. They can also walk along the bottom of a lake or river, while extending their trunks up to the surface like snorkels, to breathe air. Going into water helps them to stay cool when the weather is hot, and they bathe themselves in the water.
Sherman: Why are elephants wrinkled?
Herman: Have you ever tried to iron one?
The Elephant Poem
Elephants are lovely guys,
They’re good and true and tell no lies.
They don’t take more than they can eat,
And always watch where they put their feet.
They don’t play with electric wires;
I never have heard of them starting fires.
They live healthily, they don’t smoke
An Elephant is a kindly bloke.
Elephants take care of their young,
And rarely speak with angry tongue.
When in school, they do not cheat,
They walk in lines which are quite neat.
They don’t beat up on smaller folks,
Don’t care if they’re the butt of jokes.
They don’t fret, what wear today,
Look simply splendid all in gray.
Super strong yet very nice,
They’re really not afraid of mice.
I’ve tried and tried but I just can’t
Find anything better than the Elephant.
-Wayne Hepburn (11 September 1997)
John: Why don’t elephants use computers?
Joan: They’re afraid of the mouse.
Alexander: How would you recognize an elephant on the Moon?
Alexia: By the big ‘E’ on her spacesuit.
When people call this beast to mind
They marvel more and more
At such a little tail behind
So large a trunk before.
Merry: What did the elephant wish for on his birthday?
Mary: A trunkful of presents!
Going to Work
An elephant, going to work,
Was heard to remark, with a smirk,
“I’ll keep my good manners
For hay and bananers
But quit if my mahout should shirk.”
Danny: What would you get if you crossed an elephant and a computer?
Daniel: The biggest know-it-all you ever saw.
Disclaimer: No elephants were harmed in the making of these jokes - however, elephants never forget - just pulling your tusk! Please send your elephant fun facts and jokes (but no live elephants - we have too many already) to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com, and if what you send us is wholesome enough for us to post, you’ll see it here.
Everybody hold still while we try to figure out how to work the camera . . . hey, where did the pig run off to this time?
Marvin: Why are barns so noisy?
Martin: All the cows have horns.
Sun is coming up
Farmer’s out the door,
He will go to milk the cows,
And start his daily chores.
Sun is going down
Horse is in the stable,
All the fields are planted now,
Supper’s on the table.
Farming and Farmers Facts
- Most of the plants and animals on farms are ‘domesticated’ rather than wild or natural.
- Domesticated plants and animals are ones that have been developed with specific traits in mind, such as rapid growth, hardiness, and high yield.
- Many different types of farms exist, including family farms, corporate farms, pig farms, fish farms, dairy farms . . . and for those with limited space, ant farms.
Joey: How do you spell farm?
A man owned a small farm. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.” “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board.” “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “There’s a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him five dollars a week and give him a day off once every ten years.” “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!” “You’re talkin’ to him now,” said the farmer.
“When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the founders of human civilization.” -Daniel Webster: remarks on the Agriculture of England at the Boston, Massachusetts State House (13 January 1840)
Pearl: What runs around a farm without moving?
Earl: A fence.
Farming and Farmers Wisdom
- Fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
- An agitated bumble bee is considerably faster than a tractor.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
- After a bad harvest, sow again.
- Rise before the sun and go to bed when the chickens do.
- There is talking and there is doing, and it isn’t the talking that gets the work done.
Gilbert: What does a farmer grow if he works very hard?
After running over a rooster that had been crossing the road, a motorist stopped his car at a nearby farmhouse to find the chicken’s owner. Seeing the farmer, the motorist rushed over to him and said, “I’m very, very sorry. I’ve just run over your rooster, but I want you to know that I’m prepared to replace him.” “Okay,” said the farmer, “let’s hear you crow.”
“If you tickle the Earth with a hoe she laughs with a harvest.” -Douglas Jerrold
A scarecrow is a pole in a farm field or garden on which is mounted a dummy made from stuffing old clothes with straw. A head can be made by stuffing an old burlap sack or pillowcase with straw, and then attaching a hat. A scarecrow scares away crows and other birds that eat crops. Also effective is a shiny metal pie tin or pan hung from a rope tied between two poles or to a fence; a slight breeze will cause it to move, attracting the eyes of birds and causing them to take flight. Similarly, city folks are known to use large plastic owls to scare away pigeons.
Wally: Why didn’t the farmer become upset with his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Walter: Because he had vowed to love her for butter or for verse.
“If one plants in the springtime, one will harvest in the fall.” -Author Unknown
An efficient farmer can make use of every part of a pig, even the ears, which can become chew toys for dogs and the feet, which can become pickled pigs’ feet - in fact, a farmer can make good use of every part of a pig - except for the squeal.
“Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from a cornfield.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower
Farm Animal Roll Call
Baa-baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for your sweater, and one for your rug . . .
One for your blanket that keeps you warm and snug.
Cluck-cluck red hen, have you any eggs?
Yes sir, yes sir, as many as your legs.
One for your breakfast, and one for your lunch.
Come back tomorrow; I’ll have another bunch.
Moo-moo brown cow, have you milk for me?
Yes sir, yes sir, tasty as can be.
Churn it into butter or make it into cheese.
Freeze it into ice cream or drink it if you please.
Buzz-buzz busy bee, is your honey sweet?
Yes sir, yes sir, sweet enough to eat.
Honey on your muffin and honey on your cake.
Honey by the spoonful as much as I can make.
Young man, age 26, with 350 acres of farmland, would like to meet charming, intelligent young lady with tractor. Please send picture of tractor.
“Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven’t planted.” -David Bly
A farmer who was much troubled by trespassers during the nutting season consulted his botanical friend. The botanist furnished him with the technical name of the hazelnut, and the farmer placed the following notice at conspicuous points: Trespassers Take Warning! All Persons Entering This Wood Do So At Their Own Risk, For Although Common Snakes Are Not Found, The Corylus Avellana Abounds Everywhere, And Never Gives Warning Of Its Presence. The place was undisturbed after that, and the farmer gathered his crops of hazelnuts in peace.
“Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.” -E. W. Howe
All Around the Barnyard
All around the barnyard
The animals are fast asleep.
Sleeping cows and horses,
Sleeping pigs and sheep.
Here comes the cocky rooster,
To sound his daily alarm.
Wake up, sleepy farm!”
Marty: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
Martha: Because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
“It is a rule of nature that taking a day off on a farm sets a person back at least a week.” -Jane Hamilton
To the Farm!
Horses, donkeys, cows that moo,
Chickens, kittens, piglets too,
Fish that swim down in the pond,
Ducklings quacking all day long.
All these animals you can see
If you go to the farm with me!
Cybil: What is the best kind of beans to raise on a farm?
Question: If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?
Answer: An umbrella.
“What do you raise on this farm?” the big-city lawyer asked. “Cotton, corn, lima beans, and other things,” the farmer answered. “It must keep you pretty busy. What time do you go to work in the morning?” asked the lawyer. “I don’t go to work,” the farmer said. “I wake up surrounded by it.”
Chuck: What is green and yellow, ploughs fields, harvests corn, and pulls a trailer load of hay?
Hank: A John Deere tractor!
When you visit the John Deere Company website at www.deere.com to see their lineup of tractors, mowers, earthmovers, and other equipment for your needs, please be sure to tell them you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
Pinky: What has five fingers and drives a tractor?
Thumb: A farm hand.
“Agriculture is the earliest and most honorable of arts.” -Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712 - 1778)
Old MacDonald Had a Farm
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a chicken, e-i-e-i-o,
With a cluck-cluck here,
And a cluck-cluck there,
Here a cluck, there a cluck,
Everywhere a cluck-cluck,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a duck, e-i-e-i-o,
With a quack-quack here,
And a quack-quack there,
Here a quack, there a quack,
Everywhere a quack-quack,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a pig, e-i-e-i-o,
With an oink-oink here,
And an oink-oink there,
Here an oink, there an oink ,
Everywhere an oink-oink,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a cow, e-i-e-i-o,
With a moo-moo here,
And a moo-moo there,
Here a moo, there a moo,
Everywhere a moo-moo,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a chick, e-i-e-i-o,
With a cluck-cluck here,
And a cluck-cluck there,
Here a cluck, there a cluck,
Everywhere a cluck-cluck,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a horse, e-i-e-i-o,
With a neigh-neigh here,
And a neigh-neigh there,
Here a neigh, there a neigh,
Everywhere a neigh-neigh,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a sheep, e-i-e-i-o,
With a baa-baa here,
And a baa-baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa,
Everywhere a baa-baa,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a dog, e-i-e-i-o,
With a woof-woof here,
And a woof-woof there,
Here a woof, there a woof,
Everywhere a woof-woof,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o,
And on his farm he had a cat, e-i-e-i-o,
With a meow-meow here,
And a meow-meow there,
Here a meow, there a meow,
Everywhere a meow-meow,
Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
(Now, Farmer MacDonald had many more animals on his farm, too numerous to mention here, but using the pattern of stanzas laid out above, you can add more animals as you like.)
“And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
We’re Going to the Farm
We’re going to the farm -
We’ll see the chickens and the ducks,
We’ll hear the quacks and all the clucks!
We’ll ride a big tractor, and feed a tall horse,
But the best will be the goats, of course!!!
Old McDonald had a goat,
It ate his winter overcoat.
Old McDonald had a sheep,
It ate his big, red, four-wheeled jeep.
Old McDonald had a cat,
It ate his furry, winter hat.
Old McDonald had a goose,
It ate his can of apple juice.
Old McDonald had a duck,
It ate his new, green, pick-up truck.
Old McDonald had a cow,
It ate ten bags of puppy chow.
Old McDonald had a horse,
It ate his rubber boots, of course.
Old McDonald had a pig,
It ate his sister’s brand-new wig.
Old McDonald had a dog,
It ate the farmer’s catalogue.
A farmer’s son was returning home from the chicken show at the county fair, with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the crate fell off the cart and broke open. Chickens scurried off in all different directions, but the determined boy walked through the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home, expecting the worst. “Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.” “Well, you did real well, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”
“To own a bit of ground, to scratch it with a hoe, to plant seeds, and watch the renewal of life - this is the commonest delight of the race, the most satisfactory thing a man can do.” -Charles Dudley Warner
A farmer was counting his cows when they were all out grazing in the field. He counted 196, but when he ‘rounded them up,’ he had 200.
The Giving Farm
Hens give eggs.
Pigs give ham.
Cows give milk.
Strawberries give jam.
Bees give honey.
Goats give cheese.
Farms give food,
I’d like some, please.
A magical tractor was driving down the road and it turned into a field.
Jacob: Why was the farmer surprised when he found cucumbers growing out of his ears?
Jake: Because he had planted carrots.
If you would like to add to the fun and facts here, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Well, the farmers are plain tuckered out from all this silliness. It is time to hit the sack so we can be up before the Sun to milk the chickens and see if the cows laid any eggs. Oink! Moo! Baa! Goodnight, all!
Laughter has magical properties . . .
“Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.” -Josh Billings
“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.” -Dame Edna Everage (John Barry Humphries)
“Laugh, if thou art wise.” -Marcus Valerius Martialis (also known as Martial (about C.E. 40 - about C.E. 103))
“At first, I only laughed at myself. Then I noticed that life itself is amusing. I’ve been in a generally good mood ever since.” -Marilyn vos Savant
Did it ever occur to you
Of the good that you might do,
Did you ever stop to think
That a sorrow you could sink,
The world is like a dream,
Your thoughts are mostly clean,
When you’re laughin’.
The whole world seems more bright,
Everything turns out right,
Victory seems to be your pace
And love just floods most every face,
Everyone’s so bright and gay,
Work just seems to be like play
When you’re laughin’.
You’ll find the world much sweeter
And yourself will feel much better,
Life itself would be so fine,
You can make it more divine,
It’s the little things you do
And you know God loves you too,
When you’re laughin’.
-Hudson W. Cady
“A laugh is a smile that bursts.” -Mary H. Waldrip
“So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter.” -Gordon W. Allport
Laughter is good exercise. Each time you laugh, you burn up an average of 3.5 calories.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
“Laughing helps; it’s like jogging on the inside.” -Author Unknown
“The One whose throne is in Heaven sits laughing . . .” Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Psalms,’ chapter 2, verse 4
“Laugh at yourself, before anyone else can.” -Elsa Maxwell
Daryl: Why is it a bad idea to laugh at people when they are down?
Lydia: They might get up!
It was laughing time, and the tall Giraffe
Lifted up his head, and began to laugh:
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
And the Chimpanzee on the ginkgo tree
Swung merrily down with a “Tee Hee Hee”:
Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!
“It’s certainly not against the law!”
Croaked Justice Crow with a loud guffaw:
Haw! Haw! Haw! Haw!
The Dancing Bear who could never say, “No”
Waltzed up and down on the tip of his toe:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
The Donkey daintily took his paw,
And around they went: “Hee-Haw! Hee-Haw!”
The Moon had to smile as it started to climb;
All over the world it was laughing time!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hee-Haw! Hee-Haw!
Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
-William Jay Smith
“If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.” -Author Unknown
“The closest distance between two people is a good laugh.” -Victor Borge
“A laugh’s the wisest, easiest answer to all that’s queer.” -Herman Melville: “Moby Dick” (18 October 1851)
“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“Once you get people laughing, they’re listening, and you can tell them almost anything.” -Herbert Gardner
“Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
“A good laugh is sunshine in the house.” -William Makepeace Thackeray
“Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks.” -Henri Bergson
“He who laughs, lasts!” -Mary Pettibone Poole: “A Glass Eye at a Key Hole” (1938); type of work: book of aphorisms and apothegms
“A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market.” -Charles Lamb
“At the height of laughter, the Universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.” -Jean Houston
“Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won’t take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother.” -Barbara Johnson
“Learn to laugh at your troubles and you’ll never run out of things to laugh at.” -Lyn Karol
Laughter translates into any language.
“Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy . . . that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat of the moment. Banish tension and concern and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996)): “A Better Way to Live” (1990), ‘Rule Eleven’
“A good time to laugh is any time you can.” -Linda Ellerbee
“Laughter is God’s hand on the shoulders of a troubled world.” -Minnie Pearl
“Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted.” -Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort
“Laughter is an instant vacation.” -Milton Berle
“Those who cannot laugh at themselves leave the job to others.” -Author Unknown
“Sharing laughter heals hearts.” -Patsy Clairmont
“Laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.” -Lord Byron (George Gordon Noel Byron (1788 - 1824))
“Laughter is the best medicine.” -Norman Vincent Peale
What are the benefits of laughter? Laughter really is good medicine. Yes, studies have shown it time after time! Laughter lowers blood pressure, creates much better moods around the house, prevents illnesses, speeds up healing, and produces endorphins just like runners experience when they reach their peak running level, which prevents pain sensors from hurting so badly. Laughing may lower levels of stress hormones and strengthen the immune system.
“Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.” -Victor Hugo (1802 -1885)
“As a general rule, the freedom of any people can be judged by the volume of their laughter.” -Author Unknown
You show your character in nothing more clearly that by what you think laughable.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing.” -Herman Melville: “Moby Dick” (18 October 1851)
“Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us.” -Orison Swett Marden
“Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.” -Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1883)
“If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.” -Edgar Watson Howe (1854 - 1937): as attributed in “Forbes” (1980)
“It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.” -Andrew Mason
“Man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
World Laughter Day is celebrated on the first Sunday of May of every year. The first celebration was on 10 January 1998 in Mumbai, India, and was arranged by Doctor Madan Kataria, founder of the worldwide Laughter Yoga movement.
“The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.” -Shirley Maclaine
“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” -Charles Dickens
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most. To laugh cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” -Audrey Hepburn
Overheard: I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing.
This is ‘MFOL!’ Have you laughed today? If not, there is still time . . . just continue reading . . .
Here we have the Loch Ness Monster . . . or the weirdest looking frog ever, with little round ears and whiskers . . . or a humongous hippopotamus . . . who is clearly not amused by any of this!
Priscilla: What animal is always in a good mood?
Attila: A happy-potamus!
- An adult male hippopotamus is called a bull.
- An adult female hippopotamus is called a cow.
- A young hippopotamus is called a calf.
- A group of hippopotamuses is called a herd, a pod, a bloat, a crash, a dale, a school, a siege, or a thunder.
- The sounds made by hippopotamuses are called bellows, brays, roars, snorts, rumbles, grumbles, growls, and wheezes.
- Hippopotamuses are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Hippopotamuses can live for about 45 years.
- Hippopotamuses are found in Africa and in zoos.
Lamar: What is the hardest thing about eating a hippopotamus sandwich?
Lamont: Lifting it off your plate.
The hippo should watch her weight.
It’s not healthy to be fat.
But who would ever have the nerve
To tell a hippo that?
Teacher: What is your favorite wild animal?
Student: The hippopotamus.
Teacher: Good, now please spell it.
Student: I changed my mind. My favorite wild animal is the zebra.
Hippopotamuses are large animals that live in lakes, rivers, and swamps in eastern sub-Saharan Africa, which is the part of the continent that is south of the Sahara Desert.
Lars: Why do you never see hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
Hans: Because they are really good at it.
What fun to be
And weigh a ton
From top to bottamus.
Graham: How do you tell the difference between a hippo and an orange?
Lester: You can play catch with an orange.
Hippos spend most of the day in the water. Because they are heavy, adult hippos can move around under water by walking on the bottom. While they cannot swim, hippos can move through the water by pushing themselves off objects and off the land at the bottom of the water. On land, hippos are capable slope climbers and very rapid runners.
Samantha: What weighs 4,000 pounds and squeaks?
Samuel: A hippopota-mouse.
I had a hippopotamus: I kept him in a shed
And fed him upon vitamins and vegetable bread . . .
He frolicked with the Rector in a dozen friendly tussles,
Who could not but remark upon his hippopotamuscles.
Do not go out looking for your friendly neighborhood hippopotamus, because while hippos may look like pleasant folks, they are the most dangerous animals in all of Africa. Even with their short legs and massive rotund, or barrel-shaped, bodies, they can easily outrun humans. About 3,000 people are killed in Africa every year by hippopotamuses - more than by lions, elephants, and water buffalos combined. Hippos can be extremely aggressive, especially if they feel threatened - and anything that enters a hippo’s territory could be perceived as a threat. So, if you are close enough to identify an animal as being a hippopotamus, you are close enough for the hippo to be able to identify you as a threat and for it to quickly close the distance between the two of you and attack you.
Hickory dickory dock,
The hippo ran up the clock -
The clock collapsed!
Cynthia: How do you smuggle a hippopotamus across the border?
Lydia: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him ‘lunch.’
Hippopotamuses are social, at least with their own kind, and live in herds made up of both male and female animals, often numbering between 10 and 30 members. A herd of hippos is led by the dominant male in the group, meaning the one that is largest and most aggressive. Hippopotamus bulls (adult males) fight each other, using their enormous canine teeth as weapons, for dominance over the herd and for territory.
Customer: Waitress, there seems to be a hippopotamus in my stew.
Waitress: Yes, ma’am. We’re sorry. You were probably expecting a fly.
The predators of hippopotamuses are humans, lions, and crocodiles. Hippos are threatened by habitat loss as humans develop the land for farming and other uses. Poachers, or illegal hunters, kill hippos for their tusks, teeth, and meat.
Justin: How can you tell a hippo from spaghetti?
Dustin: The hippo does not slip off the end of your fork.
The scientific name, or genus and species, for the hippopotamus is ‘Hippopotamus amphibius,’ with ‘hippopotamus’ being Greek for ‘water horse’ or ‘river horse,’ although they are not related to horses. Hippopotamus amphibious is most often simply called hippopotamus, and is often even further shortened to just ‘hippo.’ We cannot make it any shorter than that without running the risk of infringing on the rights of some of the individual letters of the alphabet.
Lyle: What hangs from a tree branch and yells, “Help! Help!”
Kyle: A hippo in distress.
Despite having the term ‘amphibius’ as part of their scientific name, which is a Greek-derived Latin word with the meaning ‘living in both land and water,’ hippopotamuses are not actually in the class of animals called ‘amphibians.’ Amphibians have gills for breathing in water when they are in their juvenile, or pre-adult, stage, and the gills go through a metamorphosis, or a complete change in form, to become lungs when they reach their adult stage. Adult amphibians breathe through their lungs when on land or above the surface of water, and breathe through their skin when they are below the water’s surface. Hippopotamuses, on the other hand, are ‘semi-aquatic mammals’ that are born with lungs and breathe only with their lungs for their entire lives. While hippopotamuses do spend time on land and in water, and they can fully submerge, or go entirely under water, for 5 to 6 minutes at a time, they must resurface, or come up above the water, to breathe and refill their lungs with new air.
Corey: What always follows a hippopotamus?
Rory: Its tail.
The closest relatives of hippopotamuses are cetaceans such as whales and dolphins. Scientists believe the Cetaceans family of animals diverged (split and went off in different directions) in evolution about 55 million years ago.
Bernice: Why did the hippopotamus step on the lily pads?
Bernard: Because the water would not hold him up!
Among land mammals, hippopotamuses are the third-largest, with only elephants and white rhinoceroses being bigger and heavier. Full-grown hippos are typically about 1.6 meters (5.2 feet) tall from their four webbed toes to their shoulders, and about 3.3 to 5 meters (10.8 to 16.5 feet) in length, not counting their stubby tails, which are about 35 to 50 centimeters (13.75 to 19.75 inches) long. Hippos have short, thick legs, small eyes, round ears, and whiskers. Their canine teeth can be 72 centimeters (28 inches) long. The average cow, or adult female hippopotamus, weighs about 1,400 kilograms (3,000 pounds), and the average bull, or adult male hippopotamus, weighs about 1,600 to 4,500 kilograms (3,500 to 9,920 pounds).
Rose: What weighs 3,000 pounds and wears flowers in its hair?
Daisy: A hippie-potamus!
Hippopotamuses can open their big mouths wide enough to fit a 1.2 meter (4 foot) tall child inside, or an adult human who is bent over and touching his or her toes. Hippos, however, are herbivores, or animals that eat plants, so humans are rarely found inside hippo mouths.
Jack: How do you make a hippopotamus stew?
Zach: Keeping it waiting for five or six hours.
The eyes, ears, and nostrils of hippopotamuses are located on top of their heads, allowing them to breath, look around, and listen while the rest of their bodies are submerged under water and out of sight.
Hilda: What is the difference between a banana and a hippopotamus?
Dalila: Have you ever tried to peel a hippopotamus?
Talk about thick-skinned - hippopotamuses have skin that is 3.8 centimeters (1.5 inches) thick, which is why they are not bothered by the jokes found on the 'Make Fun Of Life!' Website.
Jennifer: What is big, gray, and walks on one leg?
Jenny: A hoppapotamus.
Hippopotamuses are nocturnal, meaning that they are most active at night, when they emerge from the water and walk to areas where they can graze on grass. Individual hippopotamuses eat about 35 kilograms (80 pounds) of grass each night, along with any fruit they can forage, or find.
Mel: What is the difference between a hippo?
Kel: Between a hippo and what?
Mel: I’m not giving any hints.
All I want for Christmas is a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus . . . All I want for Christmas is . . . Oh, is it too early to start asking?
Hippos spend the daytime resting and cooling off in shallow water. When they sleep underwater, they automatically bob up to the surface so they can breathe in fresh air, and then sink back below the water’s surface. Ask your parents if the will take you on a picnic by the river on Saturday so you can watch the hippos bobbing up and down in the water under the vast expanse of pink-flamingo-filled clear blue sky.
All I Want For Christmas Is a Hippopotamus
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don’t want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don’t think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won’t have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that’s the easy thing to do
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian
There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!
-Gayla Peevey (1953)
“Late on the third day, at the very moment when, at sunset, we were making our way through a herd of hippopotamuses, there flashed upon my mind, unforeseen and unsought, the phrase, ‘Reverence for Life.’” -Albert Schweitzer: “My Life and Thought” (1933)
Earl: How does a hippopotamus get up into a tree?
Lee: She grabs onto an acorn and waits for a squirrel to carry her up.
Is ‘hippopotami’ the plural of ‘hippopotamus’?
Ricky: What do you call a hippopotamus in a telephone booth?
The huge hippopotamus hasn’t a hair
on the back of his wrinkly hide;
he carries the bulk of his prominent hulk
rather loosely assembled inside.
The huge hippopotamus lives without care
at a slow philosophical pace,
as he wades in the mud with a thump and a thud
and a permanent grin on his face.
The two types of hippopotamuses are the Common Hippopotamus and the Pygmy Hippopotamus. The Common Hippo is the one described in this topic. The Common Hippo’s slightly smaller cousin, the Pygmy Hippo, also known as Hexaprotodon liberiensis or Choeropsis liberiensis, spends less time in water. Pygmy Hippos are found mainly in the forests of Liberia, a nation in West Africa. Little is known of their habits in the wild, partly because they were discovered by Western scientists only in about 1840. Ask the keeper of your local zoo if they have Pygmy Hippos, so that you can observe them in captivity.
Angie: How can you tell if a pygmy hippopotamus is visiting your house?
Angelica: Her tricycle will be parked outside.
We need more jokes to keep the hippos in a cheerful mood, so if you know any, please send them to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. This is MFOL! . . . where there is always something funny going on . . .
To the amazement of all, the eccentric inventor rode his contraption all around the village green . . .
“Get a bicycle. You will certainly not regret it, if you live.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)): “Taming the Bicycle” (1884)
Bicycles are used for personal transportation, physical fitness, recreation, competitive racing, courier delivery, food delivery, and a range of other tasks. At one time, boys on bicycles delivered newspapers as an initiation into the world of regular employment.
“A bicycle does get you there and more . . . and there is always the thin edge of danger to keep you alert and comfortably apprehensive. Dogs become dogs again and snap at your raincoat; potholes become personal. And getting there is all the fun.” -Bill Emerson: ‘On Bicycling’ published in the “Saturday Evening Post” (29 July 1967)
The first bicycle in the world was invented in 1817. Riders sat on the seat and scooted it, or pushed it along, with their feet because it had no pedals. The first bicycle to be fitted with pedal cranks and iron rims was built in 1840 by a Scottish blacksmith named Kirkpatrick MacMillan. Prior to then, cyclists pushed their bikes along using their feet, which no doubt wore out shoes quickly.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, operated by humans, and invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, dogs must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside for a few yards; the person swerves and falls into the bushes, and the dog can then walk away, refreshed from exercise.
- Bicycles are rider-powered land vehicles.
- Bicycles have two large rotating wheels, with a rear wheel following behind a front wheel.
- The two wheels are mounted on a frame, to which is also attached pedals, the rider’s seat, movable handlebars, manual brake controls, and any accessories such as safety reflectors and electric lights.
- Bicycles typically use a chain to transmit the rider’s pedal-power to the rear wheel, which propels the machines forward.
- Balancing a bicycle to keep it upright is accomplished by the rider shifting his or her weight, usually be leaning slightly to the left or the right.
- Steering is accomplished by moving the handlebars to turn the front wheel.
- Bicycles are most commonly used to transport a rider, but can also be fitted with racks or baskets for carrying cargo, and can even tow small trailers.
- More than one billion bicycles are found throughout the world.
“The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine.” -John Howard
The Penny-Farthing was an early type of bicycle having a front wheel significantly larger than the rear. The name comes from the old British Penny and Farthing coins, which are analogous to the large and small wheels.
Forty percent of the workers in the city of Amsterdam in the country of the Netherlands commute to work by bicycle.
Road bikes typically have thinner tires inflated to higher pressures than those found on off-road bikes such as mountain bikes, dirt bikes, and all-terrain bikes, taking advantage of the smoother surfaces that roads generally provide.
“The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along came a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn, and shouting at me. “Pig, pig!” he said. “Pig, pig!” So I gave him a rude look and shouted back some insults as I sped by him. Still thinking about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.” -Author Unknown
“The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community.” -Ann Strong: as quoted in the “Minneapolis Tribune” (1895) newspaper
One of the reasons many people do not own a bicycle is that a bicycle is easily stolen by a bicycle thief - even when a bicycle is secured to immovable objects with chains or cables and locks. One solution to this problem is the Yerka Bike, the world’s first theft-proof bicycle, which can be seen and purchased at www.YerkaBikes.com. Be sure to mention that you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
Riding a Two-Wheeled Bicycle
I can’t believe I’m doing this!
I’m riding on two wheels!
Why, it was only yesterday
My bike had training wheels!
My parents said, “You’re ready now.”
“Okay,” I said, “I’ll try.”
My daddy ran and held the seat
While mommy said, “Let’s fly!”
I’m peddling really fast now.
The wind is in my hair.
I feel as if I’m flying high
Two-wheeling through the air!
Bicycles have two wheels. Machines similar to bicycles include one-wheeled unicycles, three-wheeled tricycles, and four-wheeled quadracycles.
Melvin: What is the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?
Calvin: The pavement.
The word ‘bicycle’ is derived from the Latin ‘bi’ meaning ‘twice’ or ‘double’ and the Greek ‘kuklos’ meaning ‘wheel.’ A ‘cyclist’ is a rider who powers a bicycle by moving the pedals.
“When man invented the bicycle he reached the peak of his attainments. Here was a machine of precision and balance for the convenience of man. And, unlike subsequent inventions for man’s convenience, the more he used it, the fitter his body became. Here, for once, was a product of man’s brain that was entirely beneficial to those who used it, and of no harm or irritation to others. Progress should have stopped when man invented the bicycle.” -Elizabeth West: “Hovel in the Hills” (1 January 1977)
“Melancholy is incompatible with bicycling.” -James E. Starrs
“For instance, the bicycle is the most efficient machine ever created: Converting calories into gas, a bicycle gets the equivalent of three thousand miles per gallon.” -Bill Strickland: “The Quotable Cyclist” (1997)
“When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race.” -H. G. Wells (Herbert George Wells (1866 - 1946))
“A lot of things in life are like learning to ride a bicycle: You climb on and get it moving and you try to keep your balance and you have a few unpleasant accidents in which you are more scared and humiliated than you are injured and you learn very quickly how to work the strange mechanical contraption and before you know it you are quite good at it, and once you have learned how to ride a bicycle you never forget how it is done - so now you know the method to writing poetry and computer programs or making sandcastles and cinnamon scones or building skyscrapers and starting businesses; just get started and keep moving! Let us all get out there and do the things we have been dreaming of. Get on that bicycle of life and ride, ride like the wind!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“I prefer a bike to a horse. The brakes are more easily checked.” -Lambert Jeffries
“The bicycle is the most civilized conveyance known to man. Other forms of transport grow daily more nightmarish. Only the bicycle remains pure in heart.” -Iris Murdoch: “The Red and the Green” (1965)
“Think of bicycles as rideable art that can just about save the world.” -Grant Peterson
“The bicycle had, and still has, a humane, almost classical moderation in the kind of pleasure it offers. It is the kind of machine that a Hellenistic Greek might have invented and ridden. It does no violence to our normal reactions: It does not pretend to free us from our normal environment.” -J. B. Jackson
“Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.” -Charles Schulz (Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz (1922 - 2000))
“Tens of thousands who could never afford to own, feed and stable a horse, had by this bright invention enjoyed the swiftness of motion which is perhaps the most fascinating feature of material life.” -Frances Willard (Frances Elizabeth Caroline Willard (1839 - 1898)): “How I Learned to Ride the Bicycle” (1 January 1895)
“Cycology: The science of propelling one’s self through the environment to enhance well-being.” -Author Unknown
“It is curious that with the advent of the automobile and the airplane, the bicycle is still with us. Perhaps people like the world they can see from a bike, or the air they breathe when they’re out on a bike. Or they like the bicycle’s simplicity and the precision with which it is made. Or because they like the feeling of being able to hurtle through air one minute, and saunter through a park the next, without leaving behind clouds of choking exhaust, without leaving behind so much as a footstep.” -Gurdon S. Leete
Amy: When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
Susy: When it turns into a driveway.
“Cycle tracks will abound in Utopia.” -H. G. Wells (Herbert George Wells (1866 - 1946))
Outside Ride on a Bicycle
The one thing I just can’t abide
Is spending the whole day inside.
The one thing I like
Is riding my bike.
Oh, please let me outside to ride!
The energy required to cycle at low to medium speeds is roughly the same as the energy required to walk.
“It would not be at all strange if history came to the conclusion that the perfection of the bicycle was the greatest incident of the nineteenth century.” -Author Unknown
“The bicycle will accomplish more for women’s sensible dress than all the reform movements that have ever been waged.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in “Demorest’s Family Magazine” (1895)
Give me your answer, do!
I’m half crazy,
All for the love of you!
It won’t be a stylish marriage,
I can’t afford a carriage,
But you’ll look sweet
On the seat
Of a bicycle built for two!
When Harry Dacre came to the United States of America from England, he was shocked at the cost of the duty for the bicycle he had brought along. A friend chanced to remark, “Lucky for you it was not built for two,” which gave him the idea for his famous song “Daisy Bell,” which in turn started the whole cycle of bicycle songs popular in the 1890’s. Is this an example of someone making the best of things?
“It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them. Thus you remember them as they actually are, while in a motor car only a high hill impresses you, and you have no such accurate remembrance of country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle.” -Ernest Hemingway
“I’ve really had it with my dog,” said a man to his neighbor. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.” “Hmmm, that is a problem,” said the neighbor. “What are you thinking of doing about it?” The man said, “I guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”
Sometimes riding a bicycle is not safe. A major problem in some areas is that riding a bicycle on the streets carries a high risk of injury or even death because of unsafe motor-vehicle drivers. More attention needs to be given to this problem through education of motor vehicle drivers - especially in teaching them that they will need to share the roads with other types of vehicles, no matter any contrary opinions. Motor vehicle drivers who create unsafe situations for cyclists should be denied the privilege of driving. More can be done to redesign streets and cities with the needs of cyclists in mind, making them welcome users, and not people who are merely tolerated. One way to make progress toward such goals is for bicycle riders to organize and work together on achieving them.
“The bicycle, the bicycle surely, should always be the vehicle of novelists and poets.” -Christopher Morley
On a bike race through Scotland did ped-al
A speedy French rider who led-all.
“Is my lead big?” he cried.
“Wee,” a Scotsman replied,
So he slowed down and won no gold med-al.
Orville and Wilbur Wright, the brothers who built the first successful airplane, operated a small bike repair shop in Dayton, Ohio, United States of America. They used this workshop to build their 1903 Wright Flyer.
Cyclophobia is a persistent fear of bicycles.
Many bicycles are sold with seats that are too small, narrow, and uncomfortable for riders. This is one place where bicycle manufacturers unwisely skimp on materials, with the ridiculous excuse that a narrow seat will fit better inside the cardboard box in which an unassembled bicycle is shipped. Many cyclists buy and install after-market seats that are wider, padded, and even equipped with springs to make the ride less bumpy and more comfortable.
More than ten bicycles can be parked in the space taken up by one automobile. Parking an automobile can cost twenty dollars (U.S.) or more a day, while parking a bicycle is free.
“When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hopes hardly seems worth having, just mount a bicycle and go for a good spin down the road, without thought of anything but the ride you are taking.” -Arthur Conan Doyle: as quoted in “The American Bee Keeper” (May 1895)
Before the word ‘bicycle’ came into common usage, bikes were typically called ‘velocipedes’ - not to be confused with velociraptors, which are a type of theropod, which lived around the time of the dinosaurs, which are a type of extinct reptile - but not all reptiles are extinct, as for example, crocodiles, which do not have wheels . . . but we digress!
“One of the most important days in my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle.” -Michael Palin
- What makes a bicycle move forward?
- How do cyclists keep from falling over while riding bicycles?
- What are the pros and cons of a bicycle versus a gym or health club membership?
Lilly: Why can a bicycle not stand on its own?
Holly: Because it is just two-tired.
“Bicycling is a big part of the future . . . it has to be . . . there is something wrong with a society that drives a car to work out at a gym.” -Bill Nye, the Science Guy
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” -Albert Einstein
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . engaging in the pursuit of happiness on two wheels . . .
Happy B-day! Buzzz-buzzz!
A man said to his wife “What do you want for your birthday?” She said, “Surprise me.” So he said, “Boo!”
Did you know that your birthday comes 31,536,000 seconds after your last birthday? Wow! Seems too long, doesn’t it?
Patient: Doctor, I burn my tongue every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take the candles off first.
Official recordkeeping of birthdates for people in the civilized world started in the 19th century (1800’s). Birth records before then were often not very precise and records were not made for the majority of the people. In fact, it was not uncommon for people in earlier times to not know the date of their birth or their exact age with certainty.
Dave: I want to buy my girlfriend a birthday present. What do you think she would like?
Wendy: Does she like you?
Dave: Yes, I’m positive she likes me.
Wendy: Well, then, if she likes you, she’ll like just about anything.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most birthdays live the longest.” -Larry Lorenzoni
When I turned eight I made a wish
I thought was really great.
I wished my birthday came each week -
A year’s too long to wait.
Be careful when you make a wish,
It may indeed come true.
Although I’m just in second grade
I’m almost forty-two!
-Diane ZuHone Shore
“Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time.” -Bell Catherine
Husband to wife: “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?”
So, if a person’s birthday falls on 29 February, when does he or she celebrate it in non-leap-years? Are people who are born on 29 February called leapers, leaplings, leapans, leapsters, or something else entirely?
Bacon my friend a birthday cake!
Did you know you share your birthday with more than fifteen million other people in the world? That makes for a pretty big birthday party!
To my brother,
Happy birthday to you!
Did you know I live in a canoe -
It’s a little crowded in here,
What with the moose and the family of squirrels
440,618 rabbits, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister,
A duck, a clown, and an assortment of spiders -
Has anyone seen my right shoe?
Let’s get some frosting and candles on that cake.
Happy birthday to you!
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
If you live in very merry England, you will receive a birthday card from the Queen for your 100th birthday and 105th birthday, and then another card each year thereafter.
Abby Birthday to you!
Birthday cake: A sweet reward for making it through another trip around the Sun.
Question: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
Answer: A birthday pheasant!
Question: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Answer: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
An elderly lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 100th birthday. “What do you think is the reason for your long life?” they asked her. “Oh,” she replied, “I suppose it’s because I was born such a long time ago.”
The largest birthday cake in the world was made in 1989 to celebrate the 100th birthday of the city of Fort Payne, Alabama, United States of America. The cake weighed more than 128,000 pounds and had more than 16,000 pounds of icing.
What do you give a person who already has everything? Try one of the following:
- a shot of penicillin
- a burglar alarm
- someplace to put it all
- a shoulder to cry on
- a calendar that shows when their payments are due
- the website address www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
Rudy: When’s your birthday?
Ruby: June 8th.
Rudy: What year?
Ruby: Every year!
You could walk the distance in three days that an average garden snail has covered since your last birthday.
Question: What does every birthday party end with?
Answer: The letter ‘y.’
Happy Birthday to You
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear (insert name of birthday guy or gal here)
Happy birthday to you.
-Patty Hill and Mildred J. Hill (1893)
Following the singing of the song above, an additional line is often added: “And many more!”
The popular “Happy Birthday to You” song was written by two sisters, Patty Hill and Mildred J. Hill, of Louisville, Kentucky, United States of America. Patty Hill was a kindergarten principal, and her sister Mildred J. Hill was a pianist and music composer. The song was originally written as “Good Morning to All,” which was revised to “Good Morning to You,” and then eventually became “Happy Birthday to You.” The song has been in the public domain since at least February 2016, meaning that is not copyrighted and anyone can freely use it as they see fit, for either private or commercial purposes . . . so sing away!
Question: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
Answer: When it has been sliced.
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was dropped one rank, fined, and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on 22 July, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, “They can demote me, they can fine me - but they can’t take away my birthday.” As 22 July approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on 21 July, he happily repeated, “They can demote me, they can fine me - but they can’t take away my birthday.” Upon awakening the next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line - and it was 23 July.
The most popular birthday in the world is Christmas Day, which is a celebration of Jesus of Nazareth’s birthday.
The Sun has traveled 584,337,600 miles since your last birthday.
Question: What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
Answer: You can have your cake and eat it, too.
We had waffles-with-syrup for breakfast
As many as we could hold;
And I had some presents extra,
Because I am nine years old.
I’ve thanked everyone for my presents,
And kissed ’em, and now that that’s done
The family’s all ready to do things,
Whatever I think would be fun.
When Timothy had his birthday
We went to the circus, and Tim
Made friends with the seals and the monkeys
And a real clown winked at him.
And Dorothy chose a picnic
On the shores of a little lake,
With tadpoles, and buns, and diving,
And a four-layer birthday cake.
And now that it’s my turn for choosing,
I’m going to ask if we might
Take all of our family of rabbits
To bed with us just for tonight.
Overheard: I tried to bake you a birthday cake but . . . the candles melted in the oven.
The earliest known birthday party invitation was sent out in about C.E. 100 by Claudia Severa, who was the wife of the Roman commander Aelius Brocchus. The invitations were written on wooden leaf fragments known as ‘Vindolanda Tablets.’ They are preserved in the British Museum.
“Birthdays are a great time to stop and appreciate gravity. Sure, it makes things sag as you get older, but it also keeps your birthday cake from flying all over the room so you don’t have to chase it.” -Greg Tamblyn
There once was a lady named Kate,
Whose birthday was on this fine date.
She wanted a cake,
But her friends could not bake,
So her candles just sat on a plate.
Riddle: A boy was born in 1901, and he just had his 18th birthday today - how did this happen?
Answer: 1901 is not the year he was born; it was the hospital room in which he was born.
Question: What do they serve at birthday parties in Heaven?
Answer: Angel food cake, of course!
An Acrostic Birthday Wish
B - Be yourself.
I - Invite new challenges.
R - Recall past achievements.
T - Trust your judgments.
H - Have faith in your abilities.
D - Desire only the best.
A - Affirm your strengths.
Y - You’ve got what it takes!
(An acrostic poem or list is one in which the first letter of each of the lines can be combined to spell a word or phrase; in this instance, the word is ‘birthday.’)
Overheard: My brother was sort of odd; I remember that on one of his birthdays, he fell down a well, so we lowered his birthday cake down to him - and he didn’t even tug on the rope to say thanks!
Wanda wish you a happy birthday!
A man asked his wife, “What would you like most for your birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” So, on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park: the Merry-Go-Round, the Slippery Super Slide, the Loop-the-Loop Roller-Coaster, and the Giant Ferris Wheel. They did not leave a single ride out. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into a restaurant they went, where she was given a double cheeseburger with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, for a show and popcorn, candy, and cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed on the sofa. Her husband asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “I meant the dress size.”
Close your eyes, make a secret wish, and blow out the candles on your birthday cake!
“I thought I would share some of my childhood birthday memories with you, so here they are. When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older. I didn’t even get to celebrate my 14th birthday until I was 19 years old.” -Author Unknown
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -E. Joseph Cossman
“My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $85! Then I thought . . . I can get one cheaper off the web.” -Author Unknown
Were you born on your birthday?
“The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.” -Robert Orben
All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece . . . but not too much!
Please bring a smile to the faces of our website visitors by emailing your humor and learning to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Did you have fun today? If you put your imagination to work, you can have fun today, tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that . . . imagine a whole lifetime of fun!
Sylvia Snake: What kinds of books do bunnies like?
Patrick Panda: Do they like stories with hoppy endings?
Ricky Rabbit: That’s right!
“‘What is the use of a book,’ thought Alice, ‘without pictures or conversations?’” -Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898)): “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” (1865), chapter 1
Lydia: What kind of bugs enjoy good books?
“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.” -Charles W. Eliot
Riddle: What is easy to pick up and hard to put down?
Solution: A good book.
“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.” -Frederick Douglass
“Going to Aunt Mirandy’s is like going down to the cellar in the dark. There might be ogres and giants under the stairs, but as I tell Hannah, there might be elves and fairies and enchanted frogs!” -Kate Douglas Wiggin (1856 - 1923): “Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm” (1903)
Learning how to read is the most important thing that a person can do, for once a person knows how to read, he or she can educate him or herself even if denied a formal education.
Overheard: I was reading this book the other day - “The History of Glue.” I just could not put it down!
“The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it.” -James Bryce
Becca: Who wrote mysteries about fried chicken?
Becky: Agatha Crispy.
“From the moment I picked up your book until the moment I put it down, I could not stop laughing. Someday I hope to read it.” -Groucho Marx (Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx (1890 - 1977))
Roger: Do you know how many librarians it takes to change a light bulb?
Gerald: No, but I know where you can look it up!
“Never judge a book by its movie.” -J. W. Eagan
It looks like any building
When you pass it on the street,
Made of stone and glass and marble,
Made of iron and concrete.
But once inside you can ride
A camel or a train,
Visit Rome, Siam, or Nome,
Feel a hurricane.
Meet a king, learn to sing,
How to bake a pie,
Go to sea, plant a tree,
Find how airplanes fly.
Train a horse, and of course,
Have all the dogs you like,
See the moon, a sandy dune,
Or catch a whopping pike.
Everything that books can bring
You’ll find inside those walls.
A world is there for you to share
When adventure calls.
You cannot tell its magic
By the way the building looks,
But there’s wonderment within it,
The wonderment of books.
-Barbara A. Huff
A woman walked into a building and up to the counter. She said, “I’d like a hamburger with a side salad and a diet cola.” The person behind the counter said, “Ma’am, this is a library.” So the woman said in a low whisper, “I’m terribly sorry. I’d like a hamburger with a side salad and a diet cola.”
In the 10th century, the Grand Vizier of Persia took his entire library with him wherever he went. The 117,000-volume library was carried by camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.
Library: A hands-on book museum.
A Branch Library
There is an old fellow named Mark,
Who lives in a tree in the park.
You can see him each night,
By his library light,
Turning over the leaves after dark.
-James Montgomery Flagg
Tammy: Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
Amy: On the left side.
Rita book, you might learn something!
“I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.” -Jorge Luis Borges (1899 - 1986)
Raymond: Why does the ghost go back to the library every day for more books?
Rachelle: Because she goes through them so quickly.
Donald: Why do elephants never pay overdue fines?
Ronald: Elephants always take their library books back on time - they never forget!
“Sometimes you just have to turn the page to realize there is more to your book of life than the pages you’re stuck on. Stop being afraid to move on. Close this chapter of hurt, and never re-read it again. It’s time to get what your life deserves, and move on from the things that don’t deserve you. Don’t spend your days trying to correct your past, instead, let go and let God create something better for your future.” -Author Unknown
Myrtle: If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won’t you find any books in Prague’s public library?
Cynthia: They are all Czeched out.
“Man is what he reads.” -Joseph Brodsky (Iosif Aleksandrovich Brodsky (1940 - 1996)
Mervin: What is the tallest building in town?
Marvin: The library, of course, because it is full of stories!
A compilation of writings, or ‘anthology,’ is a type of book that typically contains short written works such as quotations, poems, stories, or essays by many different authors, selected by the compiler or editor of the anthology. ‘Anthology’ is derived from the Greek expression for ‘flower gathering.’
Paula: Where does a librarian sleep?
Pamela: Between the covers.
Abibliophobia is a persistent fear of being without books.
“I cannot live without books.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826): letter (10 June 1885) to John Adams
Samantha: Why was the T-Rex afraid to go to the library?
Samuel: Because her books were sixty million years overdue.
“There’s nothing to match curling up with a good book when there’s a repair job to be done around the house.” -Joe Ryan
“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” -Author Unknown, Japanese proverb
Sign on a bookstore in Jacksonville, Florida: Rare, Out-Of-Print, And Nonexistent Books.
“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.” -Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel - 1991)): “I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!” (12 November 1978)
“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked. “Nine a.m.,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?” “Not until nine a.m.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not until nine a.m.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine a.m.?” “Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed. “I want to get out!”
Jimmy: How do librarians catch fish?
Jeremy: With bookworms.
“Sometimes a library of words can’t say what a hug from a friend can.” -Author Unknown
“I always start reading a book in the middle. I get more out of it that way. I not only wonder how it’s going to end, I also wonder how it began.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: Never turn down the opportunity to read a book, they are just movies for smart people.
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading contest. I hit a bookmark.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born in 1955))
“When you give someone a book, you don’t give him just paper, ink, and glue. You give him the possibility of a whole new life.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957))
“The world is like a book, but if you stay home, you only read one page.” -Author Unknown
“A library is thought in cold storage.” -Herbert Samuel
God wove a web of loveliness,
Of clouds and stars and birds,
But made not anything at all
So beautiful as words.
-Anne Hempstead Branch
“An ordinary man can . . . surround himself with two thousand books . . . and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy.” -Augustine Birrell
“Books are thought made visible.” -Author Unknown
John Allen Paulos opens his book “Mathematics and Humor” (1980) with a paragraph that contains a story of a friend of his who took a speed-reading course. The friend mentioned this fact in a letter to his mother. His mother responded with a long, chatty letter in the middle of which she wrote, “Now that you’ve taken that speed-reading course, you’ve probably already finished reading this letter.”
“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark when you can use the dollar itself as a bookmark?
From 1853 comes a rule to be taken quite seriously: The perfect hostess will see to it that the works of male and female authors be properly separated on her bookshelves. Their proximity, unless they happen to be married, should not be tolerated.
Need something to do? Teach reading to illiterate adults and children - there are an estimated 2 billion people on Earth who cannot read.
“To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all of the miseries of life.” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965))
Ernest Vincent Wright is the author of the novel “Gadsby” (1939). The book contains more than 50,000 words, and it is unusual in that the letter ‘e’ is not contained in a single word of the story.
“No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance.” -Confucius (K’ung Fu-tzu or K’ung Ch’iu (about 551 B.C.E. - about 479 B.C.E.))
“I like a thin book because it will steady a table, a leather volume because it will strop a razor, and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.” -Mark Twain (Mark Twain was only joking; in actuality, he was fond of cats. His boyhood home is rumored to have been shared with as many as 19 cats. As an adult, Mr. Twain always kept at least two cats around.)
“Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them at all.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)
“Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.” -Stephen Fry
“What an astonishing thing a book is. It’s a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you’re inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.” -Carl Sagan (Carl Edward Sagan (1934 - 1996)): “Cosmos” (1980), ‘Part 11: The Persistence of Memory’
“Parents should leave books lying around marked ‘forbidden’ if they want their children to read.” -Doris Lessing
“Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597), ‘Of Studies’
“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” -Jerry Seinfeld
Reading and Books Facts
- A foreword is usually written by someone other than the book’s author, and is often intended to promote or sell the book and the author’s reputation.
- A preface is an introduction to a book, stating its subject, scope, or aims.
- A table of contents is a list of divisions within a book, such as sections, chapters, or articles, and the numbers of the pages on which they begin.
- An index is an alphabetical list of names, subjects, and so forth, with the numbers of the page where they can be found, and is usually placed at the end of a book.
“I figured I’d better get it in before we waited another ten years. Fifty-seven years would be embarrassing.” -Robert Nuranen (January 2007), returning a library book that was forty-seven years overdue
“If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” -Toni Morrison
“I have never known any distress that an hour’s reading did not relieve.” -Charles de Montesquieu (Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron de La Brède et de Montesquieu, also known simply as Montesquieu (1689 - 1755))
“Books will always be your greatest friends. They give you wisdom and advice. They are there when you need them, and quiet when you don’t.” -Author Unknown
“There is no remedy so easy as books, which if they do not give cheerfulness, at least restore quiet to the most troubled mind.” -Mary Wortley Montagu (1689 - 1762)
Reading and Books Quiz
- Why are the pages in books numbered?
- Are the even numbers on the left-hand or right-hand pages of books?
- What is a table of contents?
- What is a preface?
- What is the difference between foreword and forward?
- What is an index?
“Books are no substitute for living, but they can add immeasurably to its richness.” -Mill Hill Arbuthnot
If you were marooned on an island, what three books would you like to have with you?
American President Andrew Johnson's wife taught him how to read and write.
“People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.” -Logan Pearsall Smith (1865 - 1946)
Have you read any good books lately? We might be ‘reading between the lines’ ourselves, but we think you have some reading and book fun of your own you might like to share with us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Be sure to ‘bookmark’ this website so you do not forget about us . . .
Chuckles the Clown: Why did Jolly the Clown cross the road?
Giggles the Clown: To be funny on the other side!
Peachy the Clown: How does Jokey the Clown like her eggs?
Pinky the Clown: Funny side up!
True clowns bring happiness wherever seen, and not the horrors of the creepy clowns that make people fearful or the depression of the sad clowns that make people feel bad. True clowns perform for the benefit of others; they give joy. Send in the happy clowns!
The Clown’s Prayer
As I stumble through this life,
help me to create more laughter than tears,
dispense more happiness than gloom,
spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent
that I will fail to see
the wonders in the eyes of a child,
or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort
is to cheer people, make them happy,
and forget momentarily,
all the unpleasantness in their lives.
And in my final moment,
may I hear You whisper:
“When you made My people smile,
you made Me smile.”
The word ‘clown’ is possibly derived from the Icelandic word ‘klunni’ meaning ‘clumsy person.’
Laughy the Clown: Why does Snoozy the Clown wear loud socks?
Smiley the Clown: So his feet won’t fall asleep!
A Prayer for Clowns
God bless all clowns
Who star in the world with laughter
Who ring the rafters with flying jest,
Who make the world spin merry on its way
And somehow add more beauty to each day.
God bless all clowns
So poor the world would be
Lacking their piquant, hilarity,
The belly laughs, the ringing lovely mirth
That makes a friendly place of Earth.
God bless all clowns -
Give them a long good life.
Make bright their way - they’re a breed apart!
Alchemists most, who turn their hearts’ pain
Into a dazzling jest to lift the heart.
God bless all clowns.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” -Carl Sagan
The nickname for a clown is a Joey, after the English actor, comedian, dancer, and pantomime performer Joseph Grimaldi (18 December 1778 - 31 May 1837).
So, are you a hound dog - or a clown dog? Wait, we know . . . you are Ruffy the Clown Hound!
National Clown Week was signed into law on 2 August 1971 by American President Richard Milhous Nixon. It has since become International Clown Week, and is observed from 1 August to 7 August of every year.
There are too many different types of clowns to list them all, but here are a few of them -
- Circus clowns
- Carnival clowns
- Rodeo clowns
- Birthday party clowns
- Random clowns
- Event clowns
- Visiting clowns
- Street performer clowns
- Commercial clowns
What kind of clown would you like to be?
In the early 1970’s, an American doctor named Hunter Doherty ‘Patch’ Adams started the practice of clowning for patients in hospitals, which helps patients recover faster and lightens the gloominess often associated with hospital stays.
Holy Trinity Church in London, England is dedicated to clowns. The church has a stained glass window depicting Joseph Grimaldi, who was a major influence on modern clowning. It also has an altar rail where clowns can kneel and pray, and a clowns’ gallery with items from famous clowns. Once a year, clowns from all over the world attend Holy Trinity Church in makeup and costume for a special service, asking God’s blessing on all clowns everywhere. Holy Trinity Church is in a section of London described as economically depressed, and the citizens are pleased that clowns have their church in an area where laughter is needed the most.
Margaret: What protects clowns from the sun?
Maggie: The Bozone layer!
Are you a clown? Are you a clown costume maker? Are you a clown school operator? Do you write skits for clowns? Are you a talent agent who helps clowns find gigs? Do you make portrait paintings of clowns? Do you sell clown supplies? Are you in any way associated with clowning and clowns? If so, you probably need a website to let people know. Visit www.weebly.com to find out how you can make a website without a whole lot of difficulty or cost. Be sure to let them know you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
Signs That You Might Be a Clown
- You attract crowds wherever you go.
- People compliment you on your big shoes, bright-red nose, and painted-on smile.
- You share your ‘home on wheels’ with a trained seal, a fortune teller, a trapeze artist, and a magician.
- You spend every free minute practicing your routine - in fact, you do not have a moment to spare in your life.
- You have been to more birthday parties than the “Happy Birthday” song has.
- You put sprinkles on everything: ice cream, chicken soup, oatmeal - and you have even thought about putting sprinkles on sprinkles.
- Even your name draws smiles and laughs.
- You will cry yourself to sleep tonight because you think you did not make enough people happy today.
- When someone says he would like to be clown, you are tempted to tell the person, “You might think that being a clown is just fun all day, but many hours of hard work go with the job.” But you don’t, and instead, you do something silly.
- You cannot imagine any other kind of life.
Sunny the Clown: Where was Jelly the Clown when the lights went out?
Sparkles the Clown: In the dark!
A Clown’s Blessing
May your nose be red and shiny,
And your smile always bright.
May your cheeks be nice and rosy,
Your eyes sparkle in the light.
May your shoes be always too big,
Your costume be perma-pressed,
Your heart overflow with laughter,
Each time you’re clownishly dressed.
May face paint be at the ready,
And your balloons be ‘easy-blow.’
May children run to greet you,
Wherever you may go.
Nose, bright red,
A silly hat
Upon his head.
A teardrop falling
From his eye.
His car exploding
With a bang!
A patchwork coat
Those flapping shoes,
A painted smile
To chase the blues.
Making us laugh
And banish that frown,
The simple duties
Of a clown.
-Pip the Clown (written for Bluey the Clown)
A big part of the rodeo clowns’ job is to distract agitated beasts so that thrown horse riders and thrown bull riders can make it to safety without being trampled, chomped, butted, or gored by the animals. Rodeo clowns also do comedy routines to keep crowds entertained between competitions. If you feel comfortable around large animals and you know something about animal nature, and if you want to live a life of danger and have people laugh at you, become a rodeo clown!
Anna: Which clown wears the biggest shoes?
Hannah: The one with the biggest feet, of course!
Send in the clowns - better yet, send in the clown jokes, to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com . . . and now, back to more clowning around . . . because that is what we do best . . .
Where did you get that big, beautiful smile?
“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.” -Bertrand Russell
How can I get people to like me?
If you were to be trapped in a television show forever, which show would you choose?
When you are standing on your head, which way is up?
Aren’t you just the cutest thing?
If you were a robot but did not know it, would you want people to tell you?
“Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?” -Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne (1834 - 1867)): “Artemus Ward’s Lecture” (1869), ‘Mr. Heber C. Kimball’s Harem’
Why do we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Do you realize just how many holes there could be in the ground if people like you would just take the time to get a shovel and dig the dirt out of them?
If you were on the second floor of a three-story building, would you not be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?
Would you tell me a true thing?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
What could possibly go wrong?
Why do British people not sound British when they sing?
Should Friday the 13th be made into a holiday?
If we can make semi-conductors, why can we not make complete conductors?
If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?
What is the speed of dark?
If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would it be - clear?
Why is it that when you walk up the stairs and you get to the top, you always think there is still one more step?
Whether you need the answer to a serious question or a silly question, call 1-334-844-4244 to reach the Foy Information Line at Auburn University in Auburn, Alabama, United States of America. The service is staffed by students, who try to answer questions on any subject, and is available during the school year, 24 hours a day Monday through Thursday and until 9:00 p.m. Friday through Sunday. Be sure to tell them you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
Why is it that whenever people attempt to catch something that is falling off a table, they always manage to knock something else over?
Is there a butterscotch flavored soft drink?
Can you make another word using all the letters in ‘anagram’?
Is there something else you should be doing right now?
Does it seem that some people specialize in turning positives into negatives?
What did moths congregate around before campfires and light bulbs were invented?
Can we spell creativity any way we want to?
How old were you when you were born?
Do some people have a condition that makes it difficult for them to remember the good things that happen and easy to remember the bad things that happen?
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
If smiling makes you feel good, feeling good makes you smile, and feeling bad makes you frown, can frowning make you feel bad?
Why is a square meal served on a round plate?
If you could have picked your own name, what would it be?
What do penguins wear for play clothes?
Who wants to go outside and play?
Is there mouse-flavored cat food?
Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder and cell phone with a built-in camera these days, no one talks about seeing UFO’s and monsters and ghosts like they used to?
What are male ladybugs called?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
If you joined the circus, what kind of performer would you want to be?
Why do people sing, “Take me out to the ball game,” when they are already there?
Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
What do you think is the right age for marriage and why?
What are humans?
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell and a speed of taste?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
Are we ever going to make it up this hill?
An average four-year-old child asks 437 questions a day. Have you asked even one question today?
Do you have all of your ducks in a row?
What are male ballerinas called?
“He who asks a question may be a fool for five minutes, but he who never asks a question remains a fool forever.” -Tom J. Connelly
What would love do now?
Are adults just older children?
How many days are in a light year?
Alex the questions around here!
Why hasn’t someone invented a bed that makes itself yet?
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Why do people go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Teacher: What if this was not a rhetorical question?
Student: What if this was not a hypothetical situation?
What do you like to do for fun?
“If not you who? If not now when?” -Garry Herbert
A year from now, what will you wish you had done today?
“The word ‘question’ originates from the Latin root ‘quaestio’ meaning ‘to seek.’ Inside the word ‘question’ is the word ‘quest,’ suggesting that within every question is an adventure, a pursuit which can lead us to hidden treasure.” -Tom Wujec: “Five Star Mind” (1995)
Since we have kneecaps, why do we not have elbowcaps to protect our funny bones?
“There are no foolish questions and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions.” -Charles Steinmetz
If you could be any kind of animal, what would you want to be and why?
Are there legitimate ways to earn money online?
“Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.” -Author Unknown
What are you going to do with your one and only life?
Are you better with numbers, letters, shapes, or colors?
Why is there one in every crowd?
If life is so wonderful and exciting and full of interesting people and places and things, why are we all by ourselves looking at the screen of a computer or smart phone or tablet?
At the end of the day, are you better off than you were at the start of the day?
When a word is erased with a pencil eraser, where does the word go?
Who has had the biggest influence on your life?
Why do we believe everything we see on the internet but question what The Bible says?
Which is your favorite cartoon character?
Which is a sign of higher intelligence, asking questions, or not asking questions?
Which do you like more: scary movies, romantic movies, or comedy movies?
What is the best advice you ever received?
Would you rather go shopping or sightseeing, and why?
If a thousand seagulls were in an airplane while it was flying, with each bird weighing two pounds, and all of them flying around inside the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2,000 pounds more?
Do you play any musical instruments?
If you could go back in time and speak to your younger self, what age would you choose and what would you say?
Would we all be better off if we refused to accept anything that was offered to us for free?
What is your favorite song?
Who is the funniest person in the world?
What things do you always carry with you in your pocket, purse, or wallet?
If the universe is expanding, why are parking spaces still so hard to find?
If water had a flavor, what color would it sound like?
What do you think is beyond the stars?
We have one more question, just for you: What questions would you like to see here? Please let us know at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
Kitty: Why did the cat run across the road?
Katy: Because her owner didn’t want her to.
What are cats? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are completely unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
Cat, noun: 1. A furry keyboard cover 2. A type of alarm clock.
The domestic cat, scientific name ‘Felis silvestris catus,’ is a small, usually furry, carnivorous animal. They are often called housecats when kept as indoor pets or simply cats when there is no need to distinguish them from other felids and felines. Cats are valued by humans for companionship and their ability to hunt pests. They are now found nearly everywhere humans live in the world.
“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” -Author Unknown
Peggy: What do cats eat for breakfast?
Megan: Mice crispies and milk.
Cats are carnivores, or animals that eat animals. Cats use their highly sensitive sight and hearing and hunting skills to stalk, pounce on, kill, and eat small mammals, birds, fish, frogs, lizards, snakes, and bugs.
“Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?” -George Carlin
Cats are lethal hunters in part because they are sneaky and stealthy. When they walk, their back paws step almost exactly into the same place as the front paws do beforehand, which keeps noise to a minimum and limits visible tracks.
When a domestic cat goes after mice, about one pounce in three results in a catch.
“To pounce well, your cat must pounce often.” -Lynn Hollyn
Before a cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend,
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream.
-T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot): “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats” (1939)
“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not. Mine had me trained in two days.” -Bill Dana (William Szathmary)
- An adult male cat is called a tom or a tomcat.
- An adult female cat is called a molly or a queen.
- A group of cats is called a clowder, a clutter, a cluster, a clan, a destruction, a herd, a pounce, a dout, a nuisance, a glorying, a glare, or a glaring.
- A young cat is called a kitten or a kit.
- A group of kittens all having the same mother is called a litter.
- The sound made by kittens is called mewing.
- The sounds made by cats are called hissing, meowing, mewing, purring, caterwauling, and yowling.
Helga: When do cats have eight legs?
Gertrude: When there are two of them.
A Cat’s Dictionary
- Purrple: A cat’s favorite color.
- Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
- Purring: The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
- Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
- Purrsuasion: What a cat uses to convince you to do something for it.
- Purru: Where cats go on their vacations.
What makes a cat purr? A cat has two sets of vocal cords when born. One set, contained in a cat’s voice box, makes the ‘meow’ sound. The other set, which are actually false vocal cords, are vibrated upon inhaling and exhaling, which produces an involuntary continuous purring sound. Cats purr at about 26 cycles per second, the same frequency as an idling diesel engine. Interestingly, cats seldom meow at other cats, mostly just at humans. Cats do, however, purr and hiss at other cats.
“Cats are like greatness: Some people are born into cat-loving families, some people achieve cats, and some people have cats thrust upon them.” -William H. A. Carr
Dawn: What do you get when you cross a cat with a laughing hyena?
Eve: A giggle-puss!
Cats have excellent hearing. The ears of cats have 32 muscles that control the outer ear (human ears only have six muscles). Cats can independently twitch and rotate their ears 180 degrees, allowing cats to detect sounds from all directions without moving their heads. The little tufts of hair in their ears that help keep out dirt, direct sounds into the ear, and insulate the ears are called ‘ear furnishings.’
Ed: I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Ward: Yes, her name is Meow.
“Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously.” -Louis J. Camuti
A cat usually has about 12 whiskers on each side of its face, divided into four rows. However, if you try to count them yourself, you might find your cat uncooperative, because whiskers are very sensitive to the touch. Cats use their whiskers to determine if spaces are too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as feelers or antennae, helping cats judge the precise width of possible passageways.
Kat: How do you spell mousetrap in three letters?
Why do cats arch their backs? Cats arch their backs as part of a complex body language system, usually associated with feeling threatened or being caught off guard. The backs of cats are extremely flexible because they have 30 loosely fitting vertebrae (not including the additional 18 to 23 tail vertebrae, in cats that have tails).
Remember the cat that discovered happiness was in its tail: He could never catch it, but when he ignored it, it followed him everywhere.
Katherine: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
Katrina: She had three little kittens with mittens!
Two Cats of Kilkenny
There once were two cats of Kilkenny;
Each thought there was one cat too many;
So they scratched and they spit,
And they tore and they bit,
Till, instead of two cats, there wasn’t any.
Domestic cats love to play, and this is especially true with kittens, who love to chase toys and play fight. Play fighting among kittens is a way for them to learn and practice the skills for hunting and fighting.
So, you climbed a tree . . . and you cannot get back down . . . clearly you did not think your actions through from the beginning - now how are you going to get out of this bind?
Why do cats get stuck in trees? Cats can easily climb up into trees, but they cannot climb down head-first from trees, because their claws curve in the wrong direction for them to be able do so. So, to climb back down, cats must go down tail-first. However, cats may not know this instinctively, and therefore, they must learn how to do it. Until they do, many cats find trees to be very effective cat traps. Fortunately, cats do not stay permanently stuck up in trees; they always find their way back down on their own, even without human help, when hunger, thirst, or weather compels them. And, due to their mewing when temporarily stuck in trees, overly-compassionate humans often come to their aid.
“There is something about the presence of a cat . . . that seems to take the bite out of being alone.” -Louis J. Camuti
Kitty has claws. Domestic cats have eighteen claws: five on each of their front paws and four on each of their back paws. The claws on the back paws of cats are not as sharp as the claws on the front paws because the claws in the back do not retract, and consequently, become worn.
The earliest ancestors of domesticated cats were wildcats that lived about 25 million years ago in Europe and Asia. Scientists call them by the Greek word ‘Proailurus,’ meaning ‘First cat.’ Humans began domesticating cats in about 7500 B.C.E.
“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” -Albert Schweitzer
Domestic cats do not like swimming because their fur becomes heavy and does not insulate well against the cold when wet. The Turkish Van, however, is a type of cat that likes to swim. Originating in central Asia, it has a coat with a unique texture that makes it water resistant.
Chelsea: What happened when the cat slept under the car?
Chester: She woke up oily the next morning.
Cats sleep on average 12 to 16 hours a day, but never quite as deep as humans. Instead, they fall asleep quickly and wake up intermittently to check to see if their surroundings are safe. This means a nine-year old cat has been awake for only 3 to 4.5 years of its life. By snoozing so much, cats are missing out on a lot of life, so we should all take a lesson from this and stop snoozing so much ourselves.
Ailurophobia is a persistent fear or loathing of cats. People with ailurophobia may fear being scratched or bitten by a cat or they simply may fear cats altogether, sometimes as a result of superstitious beliefs. Some people quite rationally avoid cats because they are allergic to cat dander. ‘Ailurophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘ailouros’ meaning ‘cat’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’
“There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.” -Dan Greenberg
When cats fall from heights, they tend to land on their feet due to their ‘righting reflex.’ The eyes and balance organs in their inner ears tell cats where they are in space so that they can land on their feet. Even cats without tails have this ability.
When cats fall through the air, they always land on their feet, and when toast falls through the air, it always lands with the buttered side down. We propose strapping buttered toast to the backs of cats, and the combination would hover, spinning just slightly above the ground. A large number of these buttered-toast-and-cats could be easily assembled to create a high-speed train that would link New York with Seattle.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!
Jim: Why do cats run around just before dawn?
Tim: They are looking for the ‘early bird.’
The eyesight of cats is both worse and better than that of humans. It is worse because cats cannot see color as well as humans do - scientists believe green grass appears red to cats. It is better because cats have a 285-degree field of vision and very good night vision, allowing them to see at light levels six times lower than what humans can see. Cats have natural built-in and fully-integrated night vision goggles, called cat eyes.
Myrna: What kind of cat will keep your grass short?
Myrtle: A lawn meower.
A Kitten’s Thought
It’s very nice to think of how
In every country lives a Cow
To furnish milk with all her might
For Kitten’s comfort and delight.
Young cats are called kittens. Like humans, kittens are born with blue eyes, and their permanent eye color sets in soon thereafter. One reason that kittens sleep so much is because they have a growth hormone that is released only during sleep. Kittens have about 26 temporary teeth, which are replaced with 30 permanent teeth when they reach about six months of age.
The Trouble with a kitten is that
Eventually it becomes a Cat
Patsy: What goes, “Meow-tweet, meow-tweet?”
Patty: A catbird.
Martha: What goes, “Meow-meow, quack-quack, munch-munch?”
Murtha: A duck-filled fatty puss.
Foods that must not be given to cats include chocolate, onions, garlic, green tomatoes, raw potatoes, grapes, and raisins. The pain relievers acetaminophen and aspirin are extremely toxic to cats. While it is safe and even beneficial for cats to eat grass, many common houseplants are poisonous to cats. Feeding either only dog food or canned tuna meant for human consumption to cats can cause malnutrition. Most importantly, your cat wants you to know that it cannot survive on a vegetarian diet because cats were designed to be meat eaters.
Saul: How do you get milk from a cat?
Sal: Steal its saucer.
“Man is a kind of locomotive tree, pleasant to rub against, the lower limbs of which afford a comfortable seat, and from whose upper branches occasionally drop tidbits of mutton and other luscious fruit.” -Anonymous Cat
Ingrid: If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Gretta: Their paws.
“One cat just leads to another.” -Ernest Hemingway
There was a mother cat,
Who ate a ball of yarn,
And when she had kittens,
They all had sweaters on.
“My wife said to me, ‘I think the cat wants to go out.’ ‘How could you possibly know that?’ I asked. ‘He’s put his hat and coat on,’ she said.” -Author Unknown
The ability of cats to find their way home is called ‘psi-traveling.’ Experts think cats either use the angle of the sunlight to find their way home, or that cats have magnetized cells in their brains that act as compasses.
“To keep a cat at home, butter its feet.” -Author Unknown
“Cats very seldom make promises, but when they do, they always keep them. Their word is as good as their bond.” -Walter R. Brooks: “Freddy Goes to Florida” (1927)
Advertisement: “Situation Wanted: Healthy kitten seeks good home - honest, loyal, conscientious, will do light mousework.”
Cats are employed on farms to help reduce the vermin population (rats, mice, and other small, destructive animals).
“Meow is like aloha - it can mean anything.” -Hank Ketchum
Please feel free to send your cat jokes to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. We wish you and all of your fury friends a purrrfectly marvelous day!
“All bad habits start gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“It takes a few weeks of work to build a new habit. Once the habit is in place, it must be guarded diligently to prevent a reversion to the old ways, but keeping watch is not stressful or difficult once the new habit is secure.” -Charlotte Mason
I dreamed that I found a good habit,
It scurried and skipped like a rabbit.
It was shiny and neat,
Polite and quite sweet,
But escaped when I reached out to grab it.
“Focus on the good habit you want to do, not the bad habit you don’t want to do. Overcome the bad with good.” -Joyce Meyer
“Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think.” -Martin Seligman: “Learned Optimism” (1991)
“Habits form character and character is destiny.” -Joseph Kaines: “Our Daily Faults and Failings” (21 October 1883) address
Has the habit of looking into the refrigerator many times every day eaten up a big chunk of your life? Put something in there that does not appeal to you and see if it will drive the habit out of you.
“Every grown-up man consists wholly of habits, although he is often unaware of it and even denies having any habits at all.” -Georges Gurdjieff
“Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.” -John C. Maxwell
“Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steadily gains in strength. At first it may be but as the spider’s web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.” -Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894): as quoted in Tryon Edwards: “A Dictionary of Thoughts: Being a Cyclopedia of Laconic Quotations from the Best Authors of the World, both Ancient and Modern” (1908), page 212
“Curious things, habits. People themselves never knew they had them.” -Agatha Christie (Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie (1890 - 1976))
“Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
How shall I a habit break?
As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread the strands we twist
Till they bind us, neck and wrist.
Thread by thread the patient hand
Must untwine, ere free we stand.
As we builded, stone by stone,
We must toil, unhelped, alone,
Till the wall is overthrown.
-John Boyle O’Reilly (1844 - 1890)
“Make it a point to do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)): “Following the Equator” (1897)
“Sow an act, and you reap a habit. Sow a habit, and you reap a character. Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.” -Charles Reade (1814 - 1884): as attributed in “Notes and Queries” (July-December 1903), 9th series, volume 12
Each year one vicious habit rooted out,
In time might make the worst Man good throughout.
-Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): “Poor Richard’s Almanack” (1738)
“Cultivate only the habits that you are willing should master you.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1859 - 1915))
“The fixity of habit is generally in direct proportion to its absurdity.” -Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)
“Only a habit can subdue another habit.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996)): “The Greatest Salesman in the World” (1968)
“Powerful indeed is the empire of habit.” -Syrus (Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
“Habit, if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.” -Augustine of Hippo (also known as Aurelius Augustinus Hipponensis (C.E. 354 - C.E. 430)): as quoted in James Wood, editor: “Dictionary of Quotations from Ancient and Modern, English and Foreign Sources” (1899), page 138
“Good habits once established are just as hard to break as bad habits.” -Robert Puller
“The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965))
“Good habits result from resisting temptation.” -Author Unknown
“A nail is driven out by another nail, habit is overcome by habit.” [English translation]
“Clavus clavo pellitur, consuetudo consuetudine vincitur.” [original Latin]
-Erasmus (Desiderius Gerhard Erasmus (1469 - 1536)): “Diluculum”
“Old habits are strong and jealous.” -Dorothea Brande (1893 - 1948)
“Habit is a cable; we weave a thread each day, and at last we cannot break it.” -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)
“A habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why most of us have so many of them.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
“Habits are the shorthand of behavior.” -Julie Henderson
Consider carefully all things that you do, because a single choice - even if you tell yourself it will be only just this once - can begin the establishment of either a good habit or a bad one.
“Choose always the way that seems the best, however rough it may be; custom will soon render it easy and agreeable.” -Pythagoras (about 570 B.C.E. - about 495 B.C.E.)
“It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.” -Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky (1821 - 1881)
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” -Author Unknown: Yiddish proverb
In ways and thoughts of weakness and of wrong,
Threads turn to cords, and cords to cables strong.
-Isaac Williams: “The Baptistery, Or the Way of Eternal Life” (1842 - 1844), ‘Image 18’
Overheard: Sorry, force of habit!
“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910)): “Pudd’nhead Wilson” (1894), ‘Calendar for 1894’
“Habit is a man’s sole comfort. We dislike doing without even unpleasant things to which we have become accustomed.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)): “Metamorphoses” (about C.E. 2), Book XV, lines 155 and 156; as translated by John Dryden
“Make good habits and they will make you.” -Parks Cousins
“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” -Jim Ryun
Habit with him was all the test of truth;
“It must be right: I’ve done it from my youth.”
-George Crabbe (1754 - 1832): “The Borough” (1810), Letter 3: ‘The Vicar’
“I will govern my life and my thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one and to read the other; for what does it signify to make anything a secret to my neighbor, when to God (who is the searcher of our hearts) all our privacies are open?” -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
“A single bad habit will mar an otherwise faultless character, as an ink-drop soileth the pure white page.” -Hosea Ballou (1771 - 1852)
Who Am I?
I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half of the things you do you might as well turn over to me and I will do them - quickly and correctly.
I am easily managed - you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of great people, and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine though I work with the precision of a machine plus the intelligence of a person.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin - it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will destroy you.
Who am I? I am Habit.
-Dennis P. Kimbro
“The will that yields the first time with some reluctance does so the second time with less hesitation, and the third time with none at all, until presently the habit is adopted.” -Henry Giles
“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.” -John Dryden (1631 - 1700)
“A large part of Christian virtue consists in right habits.” -William Paley (1743 - 1805)
“Habit is stronger than nature.” [English translation]
“Consuetudo natura potentior est.” [original Latin]
-Quintus Curtius Rufus: “De Rebus Gestis Alexandri Magni,” V, 5, 21
“Habit is a compromise effected between an individual and his environment.” -Samuel Beckett (1906 - 1989): “Proust” (1930) essay
“To uproot an old habit is sometimes a more painful thing, and vastly more difficult, than to wrench out a tooth.” -Samuel Smiles (1812 - 1904): “Self-Help; with Illustrations of Character and Conduct” (1859), chapter 13: ‘Character: The True Gentleman’
“Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you.” -Rob Gilbert
“Each day, compel yourself to do something you would rather not do.” -Author Unknown
“The best way to stop a bad habit is to never begin it.” -J. C. Penney
“We must make automatic and habitual, as early as possible, as many useful actions as we can.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
“The habits you practice every day will make you or break you.” -John C. Maxwell
“The worst boss anyone can have is a bad habit.” -Monta Crane
“Habit is, as it were, a second nature.” [English translation]
“Consuetude quasi altera natura effici.” [original Latin]
-Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero, also known as Tully (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)): “De finibus bonorum et malorum” (“On the ends of good and evil”) (45 B.C.E.) V, 25, ‘Tusculanarum Disputationum,’ II, 17
“Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” -Nathaniel Emmons
“If you can control your thoughts, you can overcome habits - even degrading, personal habits. If you can learn to master them, you will have a happy life.” -Boyd K. Packer
“You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.” -Mike Murdock
“The way you react has been repeated thousands of times, and it has become a routine for you. You are conditioned to be a certain way. And that is the challenge: to change your normal reactions, to change your routine, to take a risk and make different choices.” -Don Miguel Ruiz
“Habit had made the custom.” [English translation]
“Morem fecerat usus.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso): “Metamorphoses,” II, line 345
“If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.” -Jane Kirkpatrick: “What Once We Loved” (2001)
“Habits change into character.” -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.))
“Nothing is stronger than habit.” [English translation]
“Nil consuetudine majus.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)): “Ars Amatoria,” II, line 345
“The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt till they are too strong to be broken.” -Samuel Johnson: as attributed in “The Guardian” (May 1871) magazine, volume XXII
“Old habits die hard, I guess. If you don’t kick them, they kick you.” -Author Unknown: “Payback” (1999) movie; line spoken by fictional character Porter portrayed by actor Mel Gibson
“Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888)
“Pursuits become habits.” [English translation]
“Abeunt studia in mores.” [original Latin]
-Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18.)): “Heroides,” XV, line 83
“The secret of your success is hidden in your daily habits.” -Mike Murdock
Visiting the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website is a good habit, because there is so much good here for you . . . and it is increasing . . . like all of the other good things in your life and in the world all around you.
“Gardening and laughing are two of the best things in life you can do to promote good health and a sense of well-being.” -David Hobson
“Growing your own food is like printing your own money.” -Ron Finley
Gruesome tomatoes in my garden - would you care for some?
The very first secret to having a great garden is the soil, not the plants. Mix into the soil large amounts of organic materials, such as leaves, grass clippings, broken up or chopped up twigs, and kitchen waste to nourish the plants.
Rosemary: Do you know about the woman who planted an herb garden?
Cinnamon: Yes, I heard she is having the thyme of her life!
“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” -Margaret Atwood (born in 1939)
Signs of Gardening
- Free Weeds! Pick Your Own.
- Beware Of Snap Dragons.
- So Many Weeds . . . So Little Thyme.
- Sow Seeds Of Kindness.
- Cultivate Lasting Friendships.
- Gardeners Have The Best Dirt.
- Do Not Let The Little Things Bug You!
- Grow Happy In A Garden.
“There’s little risk in becoming overly proud of one’s garden, because by its very nature, it is humbling. It has a way of keeping you on your knees.” -JoAnn Barwick
“Gardening adds years to your life and life to your years.” -Author Unknown
“True gardeners never cease to garden, not even in their sleep, because gardening is not just something they do. It is how they live.” -Vigen Guroian
“God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done.” -Author Unknown
I’m a Gardener
I’m a gardener and I’m okay;
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing,
And hang around with slugs.
Oh, I’m happy in the garden,
With dirt and plants and bugs!
-Author Unknown, sung to the tune of Monty Python’s “I’m a Lumberjack”
“Our vegetable garden is coming along well, with radishes and beans up, and we are less worried about revolution than we used to be.” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985))
Clear indications you have grown too much zucchini:
- Your neighbors find them every afternoon in their mailboxes.
- You are eating zucchini for breakfast, lunch, and dinner - and snacks too.
- Even the field mice have stopped eating them.
- A nightmare about an invading zucchini army awakens you in the night.
- Your children are using them for building blocks.
- You have carved a working piccolo out of a zucchini.
“What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.” -Charles Dudley Warner (1829 - 1900): “My Summer in a Garden” (1870), ‘Third Week’
“A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.” -Doug Larson (1902 - 1981)
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle-shells,
And pretty maids all of a row.
“What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
- Backyard garden
- Community garden
- English garden
- Flower garden
- Herb garden
- Rose garden
- Salad garden
- Vegetable garden
- Wildflower garden
- Tea garden
What type of garden would you like to have?
You can grow your own salad in a space-efficient garden made of rain gutters. How about a nice cup of tea? Yes, you can grow your own tea, too! And herbs for cooking, and strawberries for dessert . . . and lots more! (Small plants work best, and be sure to use a drill or a hammer and a nail to make a few holes in the bottom of each rain gutter for water drainage.)
Gardener’s Palindrome: Mr. Owl ate my metal worm. (A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same both forward and backward.)
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Garden of Love
(A Gardener’s Valentine)
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You’re such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You’ve been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We’d make a perfect Pear.
Now, something’s sure to Turnip,
To prove you can’t be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let’s let our Tulips meet.
Don’t Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato’s eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I’ll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I’ll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.
“I have never had so many good ideas day after day as when I worked in a garden.” -John Erskine
When all the chores are done, the avid gardener will invent new ones.
The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God’s Heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on Earth.
-Dorothy Frances Gurney: “Poems” (1913), ‘God’s Garden’
What are weeds good for? Pull them up with their roots, before they have grown flowers or seeds, let them dry in the sun, chop them up, and mix them with soil to provide nutrients for the non-weed plants.
New gardeners learn by trowel and error.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?
Dirt + Seeds + Water + Sun = Weeds.
Whether you need wild flower bulbs to grow flowers around your front door, tomato seeds for your container vegetable garden, Gala apple tree seedlings for your side yard or orchard, ladybugs for natural pest control, or any of many different varieties of plants and gardening supplies, please visit www.Gurneys.com - and be sure to tell them you found out about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net. Have you ever considered giving someone seeds or a plant as a gift?
Gardening: A person’s efforts to improve their lot.
“The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden.” -Ray D. Everson
Barney: What kind of jokes do gardeners tell?
Bernard: Corny ones!
And when your back stops aching and your hands begin to harden,
You will find yourself a partner in the Glory of the Garden.
-Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936.): “The Glory of the Garden” (1923)
Lou: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
Lulu: Take away his shovel!
“Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.” -Dave Barry (born in 1947)
“He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” -Basil (Saint)
“There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments.” -Janet Kilburn Phillips
Lettuce in, its cold out here.
“I never met a pumpkin I didn’t like.” -Jack O’Lantern
“Every garden may have some weeds.” -Author Unknown: English proverb
Fern: What do you call an avid gardener?
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” -Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells,
And one dumb potato.
“All the flowers and fruit of tomorrow are in the seeds of today.” -Author Unknown
“A good garden may have some weeds.” -Thomas Fuller
Kelly: Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Nellie: Because they ‘cantaloupe.’
“Half the interest of a garden is the constant exercise of the imagination.” -Alice Morse Earle (1851 - 1911)
“If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden, four of them will be easy to find.” -Mike Garofalo: “Pulling Onions” (2007)
“Hoeing: A manual method of severing roots from stems of newly planted flowers and vegetables.” -Henry Beard
“Though an old man, I am but a young gardener.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
“Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.” -Lou Erickson
“All gardeners live in beautiful places because they make them so.” -Joseph Joubert (1754 - 1824), as quoted in Paul Auster, translator: “The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert” (1883)
“Give weeds an inch, and they’ll soon take a yard.” -Author Unknown
Holly: Who says, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”
Ivy: A gardener laughing at your jokes.
Gardening: A leisure activity that is much activity and little leisure.
“To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.” -Audrey Hepburn
Inch by inch and row by row,
I’m gonna make this garden grow.
With your help, we can make this topic grow even funnier. Please send your 'Gardening and Gardeners' humor to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
Violet: May I ask you the secret of your success?
Iris: There is no easy street. You simply jump at your opportunity.
Violet: But how can I tell when my opportunity comes?
Iris: You can’t. You’ve just got to keep on jumping.
“The only thing that separates successful people from the ones who aren’t is the willingness to work very, very hard.” -Helen Gurley Brown
“There is no point at which you can say, ‘Well, I’m successful now, I might as well take a nap.’” -Carrie Fisher (born in 1956)
“The secret of success is the ability to survive failure.” -Noël Coward (1899 - 1973)
“In public, we say the race is to the strongest; in private, we know that a lopsided man runs the fastest along the little side hills of success.” -Frank M. Colby
“I am not a failure if I don’t succeed; I am successful because I tried.” -Susan Jeffers
“You never become a howling success by just howling.” -Bob Harrington (1950 - 1992), theater critic and social worker
“The secret of success is to triple your rate of failure.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996)
“How can they say my life isn’t a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?” -Logan Pearsall Smith (1865 - 1946)
“Success is not about ‘who you know,’ but rather ‘who knows you.’” -Author Unknown
“You are the only person who can really label what you do as a success or a failure.” -Author Unknown
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential.” -John C. Maxwell
“Failures and setbacks are ingredients for a great success story.” -Author Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a grin!” -Author Unknown
Before God’s footstool to confess
A poor soul knelt, and bowed his head;
“I failed,” he cried. The Master said,
“Thou didst thy best - that is success!”
“Forget about your worst failures and concentrate on your best efforts.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“I owe all my success in life to having been always a quarter of an hour beforehand.” -Horatio Nelson
“Drifting through life without aim or purpose is the first cause of failure.” -Author Unknown
“Success is difficult, it requires enormous effort. Those who can work through the struggle become successful.” -Jackie Joyner
“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb
“Success and failure. We think of them as opposites, but they’re really not. They’re companions - the hero and the sidekick.” -Laurence Shames
“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.” -M. H. Alderson
“Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.” -Christopher Lasch
“What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?” -Robert Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“Successful people do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do.” -Author Unknown
“Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
“Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself, ‘I have failed three times,’ and what happens when he says, ‘I am a failure.’” -S. I. Hayakawa (Samuel Ichiye Hayakawa (1906 - 1992))
“For success, take the ‘t’ out of can’t.” -Author Unknown
If I should win, let it be by the code,
With my faith and my honor held high,
But if I should lose, let me be the first to stand by the road,
And cheer as the winner walks by.
-Sam Haskell: “Promises I Made My Mother”
“Success: All it takes is all you’ve got.” -Author Unknown
“Success comes to many men because they were deprived of advantages others had.” -Author Unknown
“Success comes in cans; failure comes in can’ts.” -Author Unknown
“Failure is the path of least persistence.” -Author Unknown
“Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” -Nellie Hershey Tullis
“The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching.” -Author Unknown
“The best place to succeed is where you are with what you have.” -Charles M. Schwab (1862 - 1939)
“Failure is the first step towards success.” -Author Unknown
“Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself.” -Theodore T. Hunger
“The toughest part of getting to the top of the ladder is getting through the crowd at the bottom.” -Author Unknown
“Failures are the stepping stones by which we reach success.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out . . .” -Robert Collier (Robert J. Collier (1885 - 1950))
“The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.” -Lloyd Jones
“There is no place where success comes before work, except in the dictionary.” -Donald Kimball
“Achieve success in any area of life by identifying the optimum strategies
and repeating them until they become habits.” -Charles J. Givens
“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Ninety-nine percent of success is built on failure.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day, while failure is simply a few errors in judgement, repeated every day. It is the accumulative weight of our disciplines and our judgements that leads us to either fortune or failure.” -Author Unknown
“The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail.” -Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970)
“Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying the basic fundamentals.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“The common idea that success spoils people by making them vain, egotistic and self-complacent is erroneous; on the contrary it makes them, for the most part, humble, tolerant and kind. Failure makes people bitter and cruel.” -W. Somerset Maugham (William Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)): “The Summing Up” (1938), page 182
“You always pass failure on the way to success.” -Mickey Rooney (1920 - 2014)
“The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new.” -Leo Buscaglia (Felice Leonardo ‘Leo’ Buscaglia, also known as Leo F. Buscaglia (1924 - 1998))
“If at first you do succeed, try something harder.” -Ann Landers (Esther Pauline Friedman Lederer (1918 - 2002))
“One fails forward toward success.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“An Unfailing Success Plan: At each day’s end write down the six most important things to do tomorrow; number them in order of importance, and then do them.” -Author Unknown
“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.” -Henry Ford (1863 - 1947)
There are two rules for success:
1. Never tell everything you know.
-Roger H. Lincoln
“Failure is success if we learn from it.” -Malcolm S. Forbes (Malcolm Stevenson Forbes (1919 - 1990))
“Failure is not falling down; failure is when you don’t get back up.” -Author Unknown
“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Proverbs,’ chapter 24, verse 16
“Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall.” -Oliver Goldsmith (1728 - 1774)
“Failure? I never encountered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks.” -Dottie Walters
“Ask yourself the secret of your success. Listen to your answer, and practice it.” -Richard Bach (Richard David Bach (born in 1936))
“Failure is an event, not a person.” -Author Unknown
“We are all self-made but only the successful admit it.” -Author Unknown
“One of the commonest mistakes and one of the costliest is thinking that success is due to some genius, some magic - something or other which we do not possess. Success is generally due to holding on, and failure to letting go. You decide to learn a language, study music, take a course of reading, train yourself physically. Will it be success or failure? It depends upon how much pluck and perseverance that word ‘decide’ contains. The decision that nothing can overrule, the grip that nothing can detach will bring success. Remember the Chinese proverb, ‘With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes satin.’” -Maltbie Davenport Babcock (1858 - 1901)
“Failure is God’s way of saying, ‘Excuse me, you’re moving in the wrong direction.’” -Author Unknown
“The most successful people are not necessarily the most popular.” -Author Unknown
“There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957))
Failure itself can be a success if 3 questions are answered:
1. What happened?
2. What caused it?
3. What can I learn from this experience?
-H. Stephen Glenn, speaker and youth advocate
“If you could find out what the most successful people did in any area and then you did the same thing over and over, you’d eventually get the same results they do.” -Brian Tracy (born in 1944)
“Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well.” -Author Unknown
“You have to look successful in order to be successful.” -Author Unknown
“He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot be great.” -Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)
“I couldn’t wait for success . . . so I went ahead without it.” -Jonathan Winters (Jonathan Harshman Winters III (1925 - 2013))
“Behind every success is a succession of failures.” -Rick Beneteau
“I can give you a six-word formula for success: ‘Think things through - then follow through.’” -Eddie Rickenbacker (1890 - 1973)
“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” -Mary Pickford (Gladys Louise Smith (1893 - 1979))
“Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.” -Joyce Brothers (1927 - 2013)
“People don’t fail, they give up.” -Author Unknown
“The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it: so fine that we are often on the line and do not know it.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1859 - 1915))
“Behind every successful man there are a lot of unsuccessful years.” -Bob Brown
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965))
“Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” -Author Unknown
“A failure is still a partial success, because you tried - and success can come only through trying. To achieve complete success, you just need to keep trying.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.” -George S. Patton (George Smith Patton, Junior (1885 - 1945))
“It is infinitely more exciting to live a life of catastrophic failures than a life of could-haves, should-haves, and would-haves.” -M. H. Meng
“Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.” -E. M. Gray
“Success is dependent on effort.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . it’s the best we could do under the circumstances . . .
Up, you sluggard, and get to work . . . or at least do some meaningful activity!
“I was made to work; if you are equally industrious, you will be equally successful.” -Johann Sebastian Bach
“When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle, or children playing in the park?” -Ralph Marston
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” -Sam Ewing (1920 - 2001)
“Being forced to work and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content, and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know.” -Charles Kingsley (1819 - 1875)
“Doing nothing is very hard to do - you never know when you’re finished.” -Leslie Nielsen
This one makes a net,
this one stands and wishes.
Would you like to make a bet -
which one gets the fishes?
“People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do.” -Thomas Sowell (born in 1930)
“Too much idleness, I have observed, fills up a man’s time much more completely, and leaves him less his own master, than any sort of employment whatsoever.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)
Every Day Will be Sunday
A young fellow who did not much enjoy working did some work, figuring out that eventually every day will be Sunday. Every year has 365 days. If you sleep eight hours a day, it equals 122 days. This leaves 243 days. If you rest eight hours a day it equals another 122 days. This leaves 121 days. There are 52 Sundays, thus leaving 69 days. If you have a half-day on Saturday, this equals 26 days, and leaves 43 days. If you have 1 and 1/2 hours for lunch every workday, this equals 28 days, leaving 15 days. Two weeks’ vacation equals 14 days. This leaves only one day. And on Labor Day, nobody works.
“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.” -Jimmy Lyons
“Laziness and Poverty are cousins.” -Author Unknown
“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” -Author Unknown
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow!” -Don Herold (1889 - 1966)
“Men who have attained things worth having in this world have worked while others idled, have persevered when others gave up in despair, have practiced early in life the valuable habits of self-denial, industry, and singleness of purpose. As a result, they enjoy in later life the success so often erroneously attributed to good luck.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953): as quoted in “The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life” (1950)
“Shun idleness. It is the rust that attaches itself to the most brilliant metals.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“Don’t just sit there like a bump on a log!” -Author Unknown
“Laziness grows on people; it begins in cobwebs, and ends in iron chains. The more business a man has, the more he is able to accomplish; for he learns to economize his time.” -Matthew Hale (1609 - 1676): as quoted in Tryon Edwards “A Dictionary of Thoughts” (1908), page 242
“You will succeed because most people are lazy.” -Author Unknown
“You get out of a thing in proportion to what you put into it.” -Author Unknown
“A young boy shouldn’t be given up for hopeless just because he’s lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don’t be discouraged by those things - maybe he’s just trying to be like his daddy.” -Gracie Allen (Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie ‘Gracie’ Allen (1895 or 1902 - 1964))
“The forty hour week has no charm for me. I’m looking for the forty hour day!” -Nicholas M. Butler (1862 - 1947)
In Works of Labour or of Skill I would be busy too:
For Satan finds some mischief still for idle Hands to do.
-Isaac Watts (1674 - 1748): “Divine Songs for Children” (1715)
“The end of labor is to gain leisure.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” -Sarah Brown
“One monster there is in the world, the idle man.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
If little labor, little are our gains;
Man’s fortunes are according to his pains.
“A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1859 - 1915))
“Wishes are the echo of a lazy will.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t halt before you are lame.” -Author Unknown: English proverb
“Idleness is sweet, and its consequences are cruel.” -John Quincy Adams (1767 - 1848)
“He did nothing in particular, and he did it very well.” -W. S. Gilbert (William Schwenk Gilbert (1836 - 1911))
Dede: What kind of shoes do lazy people wear?
“It’s not enough to be busy . . . the question is: what are we busy about?” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)
“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the blue sky, is by no means waste of time.” -Lord Avebury (John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)): “The Use of Life” (1894), chapter IV: ‘Recreation’
“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” -attributed to Steven Wright (born in 1955)
“Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.” -Anne Frank (1929 - 1945): “The Diary of a Young Girl”
“Human beings find less rest in idleness than in a change of occupation. If you scoff at the idea, just try it. Instead of collapsing in an easy chair, try tackling your hobby. Or write that neglected letter, or help Johnny to build that radio receiver set. Activity - especially creative activity - is far better recreation than loafing.” -Gardner Hunting (Henry Gardner Hunting (1872 - 1958)): as quoted in “Weekly Unity” magazine
“There is no excellence without labor.” -Author Unknown
“The really idle man gets nowhere. The perpetually busy man does not get much farther.” -Heneage Ogilvie (William Heneage Ogilvie (1887 -1971))
’Tis the voice of the sluggard; I heard him complain,
“You have waked me too soon, I must slumber again.”
As the door on its hinges, so he on his bed,
Turns his sides and his shoulders and his heavy head.
“A little more sleep, and a little more slumber;”
Thus he wastes half his days, and his hours without number,
And when he gets up, he sits folding his hands,
Or walks about sauntering, or trifling he stands.
I pass’d by his garden, and saw the wild brier,
The thorn and the thistle grow broader and higher;
The clothes that hang on him are turning to rags;
And his money still wastes till he starves or he begs.
I made him a visit, still hoping to find
That he took better care for improving his mind:
He told me his dreams, talked of eating and drinking;
But scarce reads his Bible, and never loves thinking.
Said I then to my heart, “Here’s a lesson for me,”
This man’s but a picture of what I might be:
But thanks to my friends for their care in my breeding,
Who taught me betimes to love working and reading.
-Isaac Watts (1674 - 1748)
“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.” -Jimmy Lyons
“For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘2nd Thessalonians,’ chapter 3, verses 10 through 12
“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” -Marthe Troly-Curtin
“Laziness is the seed of all evil.” -Author Unknown: Welsh saying
“I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because he will find an easy way to do it.” -Bill Gates
“It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
Overheard: I am allergic to lazy people.
“Laziness is contagious just like hard work is. I didn’t give myself an opportunity to be lazy and I didn’t surround myself with people who are lazy.” -Michael Chandler
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” -Jules Renard (Pierre-Jules Renard (1864 - 1910))
Overheard: I am going to do nothing all day today, starting just as soon as I am finished doing the nothing I did all day yesterday . . .
“In idleness there is perpetual despair.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“I’m lazy. But it’s the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn’t like walking or carrying things.” -Lech Walesa
“They say that hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance?” -Ronald Reagan (Ronald Wilson Reagan (1911 - 2004))
“Laziness is the first big step towards efficiency.” -Patrick Bennett
“We will be friends forever because I am too lazy to find new ones.” -Author Unknown
“Lazy people tend not to take chances, but express themselves by tearing down other’s work.” -Ann Rule
“Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. We need hours of aimless wandering or spates of time sitting on park benches, observing the mysterious world of ants and the canopy of treetops.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))
Rules for Lazy People
1. If you cannot reach it easily, you do not need it.
2. Get it done . . . but not today.
3. It is always somebody else’s job.
“A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 20, verse 4
“I don’t mind coming to work, but the eight hours of waiting to go home again is really just too much.” -Author Unknown
“There is no such thing as a lazy person; he is either sick or uninspired.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
Lazy people work harder . . . at being lazy, that is!
“Laziness never arrived at the attainment of a good wish.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))
“He who would do some great thing in this short life, must apply himself to the work with such a concentration of his forces as to the idle spectators, who live entirely to amuse themselves, looks like insanity.” -John Foster: as quoted in C. N. Douglas, compiler: “Forty Thousand Quotations: Prose and Poetical” (1917)
“Lazy people are always anxious to be doing something.” -Author Unknown (variously attributed to Luc de Clapiers and Marquis De Vauvenargues)
“I will not read this book, because the covers are much too far apart.” -Author Unknown
“Lazy people are good for just one thing, and that is, making mediocre people look like they have accomplished something in life.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Doing nothing results in having nothing.” -Daniel Burke
“The idler does not waste time; he merely wastes himself.” -Author Unknown
Dwight: Why did the lazy woman have a great big dog?
Edwin: So she would not have to bend down far to pet it.
“If idleness does not produce vice or malevolence, it commonly produces melancholy.” -Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845): attributed in “The Review of Education” (May 1902)
“You don’t get what you want in life just by wishing.” -Author Unknown
“Laziness is a luxury that few people can afford.” -Igor Stravinsky
“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.” -Author Unknown
“The Devil finds mischief for idle hands to do.” -Author Unknown
“Laziness travels so slowly, that Poverty soon overtakes him.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
“It is necessary to work, if not from inclination, at least from despair. Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself.” -Charles Baudelaire (1821 - 1867)
Overheard: My dog is so lazy that he hires other dogs to chase cats for him.
“Merit and fame never crown the lazy.” -Author Unknown
“If you want work well done, select a busy man - the other kind has no time.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1859 - 1915)): as quoted in Elbert Hubbard II, compiler: “The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard” (1927)
Smiling uses fewer facial muscles and takes less effort than frowning does, making smiling a great way for lazy people to contribute something useful to the world . . . more silliness follows . . . on ‘MFOL!’
If You Have a Dog
Thorns may hurt you,
Men desert you,
Sunlight turn to fog;
But you’re never
If you have a dog.
-Douglas Malloch (1877 - 1938)
“The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too.” -Samuel Butler
Examples of the hundreds of different types of dogs include Beagles, Bloodhounds, Border Collies, Chihuahuas, Cocker Spaniels, German Shepherds, Golden Retrievers, Great Danes, Greyhounds, Irish Setters, Labradors, Mutts, and Saint Bernards.
“The dog has got more fun out of man than man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that man is the more laughable of the two animals.” -James Thurber (1894 - 1961)
“If you can’t decide between a Shepherd, a Setter, or a Poodle, get them all - Adopt a mutt.” -American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA)
Astor: Why do dogs not like to travel on airplanes?
Star: They get jet-wag.
“In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming part dog.” -Edward Hoagland
All dogs can be traced back to a weasel-like animal called the Miacis that lived in trees and dens about 40 million years ago. The Miacis later evolved into the Tomarctus, a direct forbear of the genus Canis, which includes wolves and jackals. The first dogs were self-domesticated wolves that hung around the earliest permanent human settlements, 12,000 or more years ago. The first identifiable dog breed appeared in about 9000 B.C.E., and seems to have been a type of Greyhound dog used for hunting. The domestic dog has been one of the most popular animals throughout human history. Dogs have formed such a strong bond as pets, workers, and companions to humans that they have earned the nickname ‘Man’s best friend.’
“A dog teaches a boy loyalty, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” -Robert Benchley
Why do dogs sometimes turn around several times before taking a nap? Domesticated dogs, being descendants of wild dogs, retain some wild dog instincts. Wild dogs typically live in the forest or in the brush, and often have to trample down grass and weeds to make a comfortable place to lie down. They do this by walking around and around in tight circles. It is speculated remnants of this instinct account for a domesticated dog’s tendency to turn around a few times before taking a nap.
There once was a young man named Paul
Who went to a fancy dress ball;
He thought he would risk it,
And go as a biscuit,
But the dog ate him up in the hall!
Overheard: I feel sorry for people who do not have dogs. I hear they have to pick up their own food if they drop it on the floor.
Domestic dogs are omnivores, meaning that they feed on a variety of foods, including meats, grains, and vegetables.
“From the dog’s point of view, his master is an elongated and abnormally cunning dog.” -Mabel Louise Robinson
Small quantities of grapes and raisins can cause renal failure in dogs. Macadamia nuts, cooked onions, or anything with caffeine can also be toxic to dogs. Apple and pear seeds contain arsenic, which may be deadly to dogs. The theobromine in chocolate, which stimulates their cardiac and nervous systems, can be too much for dogs, especially small puppies.
“If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.” -Author Unknown
Allie: What are dog houses made of?
Thaddeus: What does a dog have on top of his house?
Tad: A woof.
Dogs see in three basic colors: blue, yellow, and gray. They do not see red and green as humans do, but instead see red and green as shades of gray or brown, brown being a combination of blue and yellow. This is not a problem for dogs, however, as they only need to see the colors necessary for them to survive in their world. Dogs can readily see their prey to hunt and kill it, but they do not need to be able to tell a red ripe tomato or apple from an unripe green tomato or apple because their close wolf ancestors are not dependent on having fruit in their diets. Dogs can see better in low light than humans, and they can detect motion, or movement, better than humans can.
“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” -Sue Murphy
Dogs hear both above and below humans on the sound frequency spectrum, and they can also pinpoint sound direction faster and hear sounds that are four times as far away as what humans are capable of hearing. Dogs can locate the source of a sound in 1/600th of a second, using the 18 muscles or more to position their ears for best sound reception.
Ned: Why does your dog keep turning around in circles?
Jed: He is a watchdog and he is winding himself up.
A man had seventy-two dogs in his house - until he finally found a doctor who cured him of whistling in his sleep.
Dogs have a remarkable sense of smell, and are capable of differentiating odors in concentrations nearly 100 million times lower than humans can. While humans have 5 million smell-detecting cells, dogs have more than 220 million. The part of the brain that interprets smell is also four times larger in dogs than in humans. Dogs have wet noses to collect more of the tiny odor particulates in the air.
“The dog that trots about finds a bone.” -Author Unknown
Just like their wolf ancestors, dogs in a pack are more likely to chase and hunt than a single dog on its own. Two dogs are enough to form a pack.
“Have you ever considered what your dog must think of you? I mean, you come home from the grocery with the most amazing stuff, pork, chicken, half a cow. They must think you’re the greatest hunter on Earth!” -Anne Tyler
First Dog: Ruff, ruff! My name is “Bad Dog, Bad Dog!” What is your name?
Second Dog: Arf! My name is “Down, Boy!”
Harley: What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a Collie?
Elmer: A dog that bites you, and then goes to get you help.
Cynophobia, also known as kynophobia, is a persistent fear or loathing of dogs. To avoid dogs, sufferers of the phobia may barricade yards or refuse to travel except in an enclosed vehicle. When walking through neighborhoods, they may decide their route based on where the houses with dogs are. ‘Cynophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘kyon’ meaning ‘dog’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’
Eve: Why do dogs bark at people?
Evelyn: To give them a ruff time!
When meeting a strange dog, remember that the dog is likewise meeting a human stranger. Let the dog sniff the back of your closed hand, and do not show the dog your fingers - they are easier to bite!
We think we might be on to something here: Remember when dogs were named Bowser and said, “Bow-wow”? Along came dogs with names such as Spot, who said, “Arf, arf.” Then dogs with names like Duke and King started saying, “Woof-woof.” Next came dogs named Killer who said, “Grrr-grrrrrr!” We think dogs were much nicer back when they said, “Bow-wow.” How about you?
Basenjis are the only non-barking domestic dogs. They yodel instead, and they are known to mimic the sounds of police car, firetruck, and ambulance sirens.
Danny: What is the quietest kind of a dog?
Denny: A hush puppy.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” -Ann Landers (Esther Pauline Friedman Lederer (1918 - 2002))
Dan: Does your dog like children and the elderly?
Stan: Yes, but he prefers dog food!
Sheila: Why does a dog wag his tail?
Shelby: Because no one will wag it for him.
In 2003, Doctor Roger Mugford invented the ‘wagometer,’ a device he claims can interpret a dog’s exact mood by measuring the wag of its tail.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.” -Max Eastman
“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” -Author Unknown
“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” -August Strindberg
“A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.” -Jack London (pseudonym of John Griffith Chaney (1876 - 1916))
Chad: How is a dog like a telephone?
Chase: A dog has a collar I.D.
The Ten Things Your Dog Wants You to Know
If your dog could talk, these are some of most important things that he or she would like to tell you.
1. My life will probably only last 7 to 14 years. It will hurt me more than you know if I have to be away from you for longer than a day or two.
2. If you have patience with me and give me time to learn what you would like from me, I can promise you, you will never be disappointed.
3. Trust me with your life and have faith in our future together. If I don’t feel that you honestly believe in me, I will suffer great emotional stress. My sense of self-worth is totally dependent upon your confidence in me.
4. Don’t stay mad at me for long or confine me to a cage to punish me. You have your friends, your job, and your recreation. I have only you!
5. Talk to me about anything you want as frequently as possible. Even if I can’t comprehend your precise words, I can understand the meaning of what you’re telling me by the tone of your voice.
6. Remember no matter how you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. When you consider raising your hand to hit me, remember I have teeth that could break the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scream at me for failing to respond to your commands as I usually do, take time to think about what might be wrong with me that would cause me to treat you differently. Maybe I haven’t been eating right or drinking enough water. Or maybe my age is catching up with me and I just can’t do what I used to do.
9. Take good care of me when I get old. Someday you will be as old as me and you will understand how it feels.
10. Be there for me through good times and bad. Never say you can’t handle taking me to the vets for stitches or surgery. Nothing could make me feel worse. Everything in my life is easier for me to deal with when I have you standing by my side. Remember my love for you is unconditional and it will last for your entire life.
“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” -Joe Weinstein
“Dear God, please help me to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.” -Author Unknown
So, you are a dog and you chase cars - what exactly are your plans if you ever catch one?
Leon: Why was the puppy so well-behaved in class?
Noelle: He wanted to be the teacher’s pet.
“I hate a fellow whom pride or cowardice or laziness drives into a corner, and who does nothing when he is there but sit and growl. Let him come out as I do, and bark.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784))
Crystal: In which month do dogs bark the least?
Amber: February, because with 28 days, it is the shortest month.
A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in, followed by a very large dog. As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp, jumped up on the sofa with his muddy paws, and began chewing on one of the pillows. The outraged householder, unable to contain himself any longer, burst out, “Don’t you think you should train your dog better?” “My dog!” exclaimed the friend in surprise. “I thought it was your dog.”
Caleb: Why is a dog so hot in the summer?
Kyle: Because it wears a coat and pants.
Leash: The strap attached to a dog’s collar, enabling it to lead its person.
Giles: What’s fast, furry, and goes, “Foow, foow”?
Gail: A dog chasing a car that’s going in reverse.
“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace.” -Milan Kundera
Ernest: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front seat?
Nestor: Put him in the back seat.
“A dog has the soul of a philosopher.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.))
Perth: Why do dogs run in circles?
Bertha: Because it is too hard to run in squares!
“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957))
In dog language, ‘leather shoe’ means ‘chew toy.’
I’ve Got a Dog
I’ve got a dog as thin as a rail,
He’s got fleas all over his tail;
Every time his tail goes flop,
The fleas on the bottom all hop to the top.
“I once had a dog who really believed he was man’s best friend. He kept borrowing money from me.” -Gene Perret
If you think that it is you who ‘owns’ your dog, just answer this question: Which one of you leads when you go out for a walk together?
Darla: Why do dogs not make good dancers?
Darlene: Because they have two left feet.
The Ambiguous Dog
The dog beneath the Cherry-tree
Has ways that sorely puzzle me:
Behind, he wags a friendly tail;
Before, his Growl would turn you pale!
His meaning isn’t wholly clear -
Oh, is the Wag or Growl sincere?
I think I’d better not descend -
His Bite is at the Growly End.
-Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)
Imagine a parallel dimension in which it is the dog that takes you for a walk, where you lie on the rug and the dog is on the couch, where dog food looks and smells better than your food . . . what, you say that is the universe in which you already live?
Maggie: How do you know when you have a slow dog?
Mollie: He brings you yesterday’s newspaper.
“We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.” -Margery Facklam (Margery Anne Facklam (1927 - 2015))
Please feel free to send your dog jokes and dog knowledge to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Now go have yourself a doggone good day!
Warning: Not for the faint of heart . . . turn back now!
When the Spider Met the Elevator
The itsy-bitsy spider
Crawled up the elevator shaft
Down came the elevator
And cut the spider in half.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (inspired by the “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” song)
Doctor: I have bad news. You have a fatal disease.
Patient: How long do I have to live, doctor?
Patient: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven . . .
Here lies what’s left of little Jimmy Burdette -
He never read the directions to his chemistry set.
Here lies the body of Captain M. Moat -
He should have fixed that hole in his boat.
Here lies the body of Darcy Dators -
Her big mistake was feeding those gators.
Here lies the body of Jolly Aunt Gert -
She should have said no to that tenth dessert.
Here lies the body of Joshua Green -
Last seen working the sausage machine.
Here lies the body of Jenny Paine -
She almost learned how to fly a plane.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news; which do you want first?
Patient: The bad news.
Doctor: Your condition is fatal.
Patient: That is terrible - what is the good news?
Doctor: They are going to give you the honor of naming it after you.
Grandpapa fell down a drain;
Couldn’t scramble out again.
Now he’s floating down the sewer -
There’s one grandpa the fewer.
Treat your friends and family to food that is almost too scary to eat - on a horror movie night! Serve with chilled tomato juice.
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles!”
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
“You mean,” he said, “a crocodile.”
Winston: “Heard you buried your wife, old chap.”
Gilliam: “Had to. Dead, you know.”
Here lies the body of a girl named Gina,
Who bought a brand new vacuum cleaner.
She got in the way
Of its suction one day -
Since then no one has seen her.
Macabre (məˈkäbrə), adjective. Disturbingly referring to or depicting death or injury, as in art or literature; gruesome.
The optimist fell ten stories,
And at each window bar
He shouted to the folks inside:
“Doing all right so far!”
If I eat one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
If I can’t have one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
So since it’s all decided I must die,
I might as well have one more piece of pie.
Mmmm - Oooh - My!
Chomp - Gulp - ’Bye!
Once upon a time, there were three children named Petal, Feather, and Fridge. Petal asked, “Mom, why is my name Petal?” to which she replied, “Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Feather asked, “Mom, why is my name Feather?” to which she replied, “Because a bird feather was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Fridge said, “Herp derp dur,” to which Fridge’s mother replied, “Because a refrigerator was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.”
In the village of Jingamafloo,
They don’t look at the world like we do.
When a gentleman dies
His dear wife shouts, “Surprise!
Now we’ll all get a little more stew.”
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty-four hours to live.
Patient: Twenty-four hours! That is terrible! What could be worse? What is the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
No-longer-living creepy-crawlies make great pizza toppings!
Poor Grandma’s hair hung all awry,
So we washed it during days of heat,
Then hung her upside-down to dry
On the clothes-line by her stockinged feet.
-J. A. Lindon
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper found two finches that had passed away of old age. He picked them up and placed them in a sack. After cleaning the cage, he put the sack in his wheelbarrow and moved on to the next cage. When he reached the primate cage, he found two chimps that had also passed away from natural causes. “Waste not, want not,” he said, as put them in the sack with the finches. Later, at feeding time, he flipped the dead animals from the sack and into the lion’s cage. “No!” roared the lion. “Not finch and chimps again!”
Little Willie was a chemist.
What he thought was H2O
And now Little Willie
Is no more.
“I went to the doctor today. He said I had two weeks to live. I said ‘Can I have the second week in August and the first in November?’” -Tommy Cooper, British comedian
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A few days later, the village idiot was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the village idiot ran and got the constable to come and listen to it. The constable bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the constable ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh . . . the Sixth . . . the Fifth . . .” Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
Overheard: I went to the doctor the other day. He examined my head and said it appears they are going to have to amputate.
Here is the story
Of Freddy, my friend,
Who ran out into the traffic,
And that is the end.
This is the kind of stuff that could really make a person’s skin crawl - well just look at that, there goes our skin, crawling away from us. We will be back right after we catch our skin and put it back on. In the meantime, further silliness awaits you, just continue down the page . . .
If you listen very, very carefully, you might just hear these scrumptious baked goods calling out your name . . .
Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin said to the other, “Isn’t this great! We’re turning such a lovely golden brown.” The other muffin screamed, “Aaahhh! A talking muffin!”
‘Pound cake’ is so named not because of the weight of the cake itself, but because of the pound of butter in the original recipe for the cake.
Marvin: Why did the cinnamon roll?
Vincent: Because it saw the apple turnover.
If flour, water, and salt are mixed, the result is glue. If eggs, baking powder, and oil are added, the result is cake. Where does the glue go?
English muffins were invented in about 1880 in New York City, New York, United States of America, by Samuel Bath Thomas. He called them ‘toaster crumpets,’ although they eventually came to be called ‘English muffins’ possibly sometime around 1902. They are also known as ‘breakfast muffins,’ and in the United Kingdom (which includes England), they are known simply as ‘muffins.’ To serve, first separate the halves, using a fork if need be. They can then be toasted and smeared with butter and jam; used to make breakfast sandwiches with fried or scrambled eggs, ham or sausage or bacon, and cheese; or made into mini pizzas by topping with pizza sauce or spaghetti sauce or tomato sauce, cheese, and any other available toppings typically put on pizzas, such as sliced pepperoni, sliced mushrooms, or sliced olives.
“All sorrows are less with bread.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616)): “Don Quixote” (1615)
A customer in a bakery was carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?” he answered, “I’d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut, and that cheese Danish.” Then with a sigh, he added, “But I’ll take that oat-bran muffin.”
A piece of cake can brighten up just about anyone’s day . . .
David: When is a cake like a golf ball?
Mavis: When it has been sliced.
“Gather the crumbs of happiness and they will make you a loaf of contentment.” -Author Unknown
Several people were all posed the following question: “What is pi?”
An engineer said, “It is approximately 3 and 1/7.”
A physicist said, “It is 3.14159.”
A mathematician thought a bit, and replied, “It is equal to pi.”
A baker said, “Pie is a fun and delicious dessert!”
Chiffon, marble, and bundt are types of cake.
It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, entered a bakery. He said to the baker, “I’ll have one roll.” The baker wrapped the one roll and asked if there was anything else he could get for him. “No, that’s it,” said the man, “just the one roll.” The baker said, “You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?” The man said, “Yes, for just one roll.” The baker asked, “Are you married?” The man said, “Of course. How did you know?”
Overheard: I always wanted to be a baker, so I worked and saved, until I finally ‘raised enough dough’ to open my own shop.
“God gives us the ingredients for our daily bread, but He expects us to do the baking.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994))
Jerrold: What is a baker’s favorite sport?
Jerry: Baseball, because he’s always shouting, “Batter up!”
William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, ‘Big Bill,’ as he was known, was petitioned by the citizens because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them. Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. When they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake one hundred pies themselves, and sell them for two cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging. It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon, they had managed to bring down the prices of all kinds of pastries in Philadelphia. In fact, to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the ‘remarkable Pie rates of Penn’s aunts.’
Yeast: The stuff that makes dough grow.
Vera: Why was the cake as hard as stone?
Vernon: Because it was a marble cake.
A dozen is twelve, but a ‘baker’s dozen’ is thirteen - why? Far away and long ago, any baker who sold someone a dozen rolls or cakes and miscounted, putting only ten or eleven baked goods in a customer’s order, could receive a very heavy penalty under the law, so to stay out of trouble, bakers started giving customers thirteen items when they ordered a dozen.
Marcy: How do you stop a bagel from rolling away?
Darcy: Put lox on it.
As the breadwinner for his family, the baker could not afford to loaf.
I bought a batch of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits. Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a box. Then I took the box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a can of sardines.
Overheard: Working in a bakery is no piece of cake!
Mom’s Famous Brownies Recipe. Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Junior, “No, no.” Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Junior and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 teaspoons of vanilla, and 1 and 1/2 cups of sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Junior and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 cup nuts, and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9 inch by 13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away. Frosting - Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, and 1/4 cup margarine. Take the teddy bear out of the broiler, carry it out of the house, and throw it way up into the air so that it lands way up on the roof where the Frisbee and the basketball and the boomerang have disappeared to. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Junior had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Junior in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven. Hope this brought a smile to your face!
If a breadcrumb was lying on a table and someone cut it in half, would the result be two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
Bread has become the prime symbol of nourishment and sharing. The breaking of bread is considered a symbolic gesture. The word ‘companion’ is derived from Latin ‘com’ meaning ‘together,’ and ‘panis’ meaning ‘bread.’ A companion is literally one with whom you come together for bread.
Bread: Raw toast.
A ‘bake sale’ is a traditional means of raising money for a cause such as a youth group, church, school, or civic organization. The usual way of putting one together is to find a place to hold the event, get some folding tables, folding chairs, tablecloths, print some flyers, and then ask people to bake and donate items such as cakes, cookies, cinnamon rolls, pies, cupcakes, pastries, dinner rolls, and so forth. Items such as cookies can be sold singly or by the dozen. Volunteers can help with sales at such events.
I applied a job at a bakery recently because I kneaded the dough . . .
Bakers in the United States of America were ordered to stop selling sliced bread starting on 18 January 1943 and continuing for the duration of World War 2. Only whole loaves were to be made available to the public. The American government never explained how this action helped the war effort.
Unleavened bread: Bread made without any ingredients.
Ice Cream Bread Recipe
□ 2 cups any flavor of ice cream
□ 1.5 cups self-rising flour
1. Mix until all flour is moistened.
2. Bake in a greased bread pan at 180 degrees Celsius (350 degrees Fahrenheit) for 45 minutes.
Estelle: Why did the coffee cake have to be retrained for his job?
Stella: Because he was doing a ‘crumby’ job.
“Within this thin wafer of bread is caught up symbolically the labor of plow and of sowing, of harvest and threshing, of milling, of transportation, of financing, of selling and packaging. Man’s industrial life is all there.” -Wilford O. Cross, commenting on a slice of bread
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
We hope you enjoyed this eclectic collection of odds-and-ends related to baked goods and bakers. If you know any facts or fun on this topic, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. More maddeningly marvelous mayhem follows below . . .