Your weird uncle is on the loose again. Would you please come down here and pick him up? That would be great. Thanks.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light, not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
There once was a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
“If you want to accomplish anything in life, you can’t just sit back and hope it will happen. You’ve got to make it happen.” -Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has never worn glasses in his life. If he can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you do.
At his house, Chuck Norris is never asked to take out the trash.
Chuck Norris has appeared in a number of action films, such as “Way of the Dragon” in which he starred alongside Bruce Lee, and he was The Cannon Group’s leading star in the 1980s. He played the starring role in the television series “Walker, Texas Ranger” from 1993 to 2001.
Chuck Norris can eat just one potato chip.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris never has to balance his household budget. It balances itself.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
When somebody yells, “Last one there is a rotten egg!” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
So you think you can be like Chuck Norris . . . how high can you kick?
When Google has a question, they ‘Norris’ it.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
“People whine, ‘I haven’t succeeded because I haven’t had the breaks.’ You create your own breaks.” -Chuck Norris
Before the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks inside his closet and under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris wakes up his alarm clock.
Carlos Ray ‘Chuck’ Norris was born on 10 March 1940. He is an American Martial Artist and an actor. After serving in the United States Air Force, he began his rise to fame as a Martial Artist and has since founded his own Martial Arts school, called Chun Kuk Do. Mr. Norris has appeared in several action films. As a result of his ‘tough guy’ image, an internet phenomenon began in 2005 known as Chuck Norris facts, ascribing various implausible or even impossible feats to Mr. Norris.
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can watch the television show “60 Minutes” in 22 seconds.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is ‘The best a man can get.’
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself, to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Once each year, on 24 December, Chuck Norris puts on a red and white suit and rides all around the world in a flying sleigh pulled by magical reindeer . . . so you had better watch out . . . and be good for goodness sake!
“I’ve always found that anything worth achieving will always have obstacles in the way and you’ve got to have that drive and determination to overcome those obstacles on route to whatever it is that you want to accomplish.” -Chuck Norris
Before sliced bread, people used to say “That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris.” But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse-kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop lollipop.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris is a devout Christian and a political conservative. He has written several books on Christianity and has supported a number of Republican candidates and causes. Mr. Norris also writes a column for the conservative website WorldNetDaily.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his Scholastic Aptitude Tests (SAT), simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris once won a game of ‘Connect 4’ in just 3 moves.
Chuck Norris is simultaneously a noun and a verb.
Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is logic.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris can eat rice using only one chopstick.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. Chuck Norris felt sorry for Superman because he lost, so he taught him how to fly, and the two have been best friends ever since.
If you feel like people ignore you most of the time, it is probably just because you are not Chuck Norris . . . but don't feel sad, because that's how we feel on days when you do not visit the 'Make Fun Of Life!' Website.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to cross the road - the other side comes over to him.
Chuck Norris has a legitimate Martial Arts record. Some of his past students are probably familiar to you. They include The Osmonds - yes, those Osmonds, Bob Barker, Steve Mcqueen, and Priscilla Presley.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
In the rain, Chuck Norris does not need an umbrella. The raindrops avoid him.
Santa leaves out cookies and milk for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a boomerang. It was way too scared to come back.
Become a better you! Chuck Norris wants you to get in shape and lose weight and become more confidant, all through an intense, dedicated program of Martial Arts, which is the training of both mind and body.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t deceased, it is just afraid to move.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
“A lot of people give up just before they’re about to make it. You know, you never know when that next obstacle is going to be the last one.” -Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
If at first you don’t succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Vera: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Harvey: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 1.78 meters (5 feet, 10 inches) tall, which is the average height for men in the developed world. In all other ways, he is above average and, from what we have heard, decidedly better than you.
They found Chuck Norris’ diary. It is now known as the “Guinness Book of World Records.”
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Who wins in a fight between King Kong and Godzilla?
Neither, Chuck Norris never lets his pets fight.
Chuck Norris can read minds but he does not do so because he doesn’t care what you think.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when making movies, for crying scenes.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
Chuck Norris’ Gmail account is firstname.lastname@example.org (unverified).
When giving a warning, Chuck Norris never has to count higher than 1.
Chuck Norris does not have an ESC key on his computer because there is no escape from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris can believe it is butter.
If you can spell Chuck Norris in a game of Scrabble, you win . . . forever.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
“Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, the lose their worth.” -Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can bake a cake in a freezer.
Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
The Chuck Norris Website is www.ChuckNorris.com. When you visit, see if he still sells Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the Martial Artist, which will allow you to do high kicks and other fancy moves without cramping your style.
The only thing Chuck Norris says in a job interview is, “Hi. I’m Chuck Norris and I start tomorrow. Any questions?”
When there’s a meteor shower, Chuck Norris grabs a bar of soap.
When asked how many pushups he can do, Chuck Norris responded, “All of them.”
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . we cannot say anything more at this time . . . because we’re too busy running from Chuck Norris!
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” -Gary Player
“If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.” -Thomas Mulligan
“The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” -P. G. Wodehouse (Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (1881 - 1975))
“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” -Harry Vardon
“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer, commenting on golf
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” -Jim Bishop
“The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that, he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -Author Unknown: attributed to a member of the Saint Andrews Rotary Club
Margot: How do you fix a broken golf club?
Margaret: Try some putty.
“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
In Scotland, a new game has been invented, called Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden, also known as G.O.L.F. or, more commonly, golf.
“One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.” -Dave Kindred, commenting on golf
Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers - no, we are not making this stuff up - cattle and chickens once played an important part in the game of golf.
Golf balls have dimples to reduce drag, thus allowing them to fly further than perfectly smooth balls would. The dimples also give personality to the otherwise plain-looking spherical objects.
Long ago, when primitive people screamed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called ‘witchcraft.’ When modern man does the same, they call it ‘golf.’
What is the origin of the word ‘caddie’? When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl, allegedly for both education and survival, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot’s game called golf. So, for her enjoyment, he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built. To make sure she was properly chaperoned and guarded while she played, the kingly Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot, and when she returned to Scotland, which may not have been a very good idea in the long run, she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day,’ which the Scots changed to ‘caddie.’
“Caddies: People who are paid to enjoy the game of golf.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.” -Ben Hogan
Miniature golf courses often offer features not found on more-traditional golf courses, as for example, the active volcano shown here. Miniature golf is also known as mini-golf or putt-putt golf.
“I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1936))
William Howard Taft (1857 - 1930) was the first golfer to become an American President.
“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan
“The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.” -Sam Snead, champion professional golfer
“Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn’t find it.” -Author Unknown: overheard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot
Golf: A long walk punctuated by disappointments.
Kay: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Jay: Just in case he got a hole in one.
Hole in One
A golfer who hailed from Verdun
Was intent on not being outdone.
To avoid any glitches,
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
“It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” -Bob Hope (Leslie Townes Hope (1903 - 2003))
According to the rules of golf, the ball must be played as it lies . . .
“‘Play it as it lies’ is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is ‘Wear it if it clashes’.” -Henry Beard
Adam: I’d move Heaven and Earth to break my 110 score.
Dan: Try moving just Heaven. You’ve already moved plenty of earth.
“Who’s that stranger, mother dear -
Look, he knows us, ain’t that queer?”
“Hush, my own, don’t talk so wild;
That’s your father, dearest child.”
“That’s my father? No such thing!
Father died away last spring.”
“Father didn’t die, you dub;
Father joined a golfing club.
Now the place is closed, so he
Has no place to go, you see.
No place left for him to roam,
That is why he’s coming home.
Kiss him, he won’t bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild.”
-Author Unknown: “Boardwalk Illustrated News”
Laddie: What kind of shirts do golfers wear?
“The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.” -Roger Simon
Overheard: The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Golf: Flog spelled backwards.
A golfer walked into a pro shop at the local course and asked the golf pro if they sold ball markers. The golf pro said they did, and they were $1.00 each. The guy gave the golf pro a dollar . . . The golf pro opened the register, put the dollar in, and handed the golfer a quarter coin.
Although occasional mishaps do happen in golf, the game still has one of the lowest casualty rates among competitive sports.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Two men were starting a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, and his first drive resulted in a hole-on-one. The second man stepped up to the tee and said, “Okay, now I’ll take my practice swing and then we’ll start the game.”
“Work: The thing that interferes with golf.” -Frank Dane
A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
“Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man.” -Westbrook Pegler
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” -Jack Lemmon
“Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” -Paul Harvey (1918 - 2009): as quoted in the “Wannabe Guide to Golf” (1997) by Jack Mingo
The May 1990 issue of “Golf” magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and “Golf” magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April fool’s joke, despite its placement in the May issue. “Golf” magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.
“Golf: A word that is four letters in length.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.” -Dave Stockton
Some people like to combine golfing and messin’ with ’gators in a single sport. It can be tricky though, especially if the alligator is ferociously hungry and lies between you and the spherical white object you are pursuing.
“The aim of golf is to get the ball moving down the fairway and into the green or some such fool thing - and if your aim is exceptional, to knock honking geese, flying insects, buzzing airplanes, stalking drones, and spying satellites right out of the sky.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” -P. J. O’Rourke
“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” -William Wordsworth (1770 - 1850)
“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.” -Grantland Rice (1880 - 1954)
“May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” -Ben Hogan, referencing the Twenty-Third Psalm
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . someday, we will look back on all of this, laugh nervously, and change the subject . . . until then, let’s just keep traveling along . . . and hope we're headed in the right direction . . .
It seems like an inviting house - shall we see if anybody is at home . . . are you ready for some weird and creepy fun?
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Never Mind Them Watermelons
Well now, old Sam Gibb, he did not believe in ghosts. Not one bit. Everyone in town knew the old house back in the woods was haunted, but Sam Gibb just laughed whenever folks talked about it. Finally, the blacksmith dared Sam Gibb to spend the night in the haunted house. If he stayed there until dawn, the blacksmith would buy him a whole cartload of watermelons. Sam was delighted. Watermelon was Sam’s absolute favorite fruit. He accepted the dare at once, packed some matches and his pipe, and went right over to the house to spend the night.
Sam went into the old house, started a fire, lit his pipe, and settled into a rickety old chair with yesterday’s newspaper. As he was reading, he heard a creaking sound. Looking up, he saw that a gnarled little creature with glowing red eyes had taken the seat beside him. It had a long, forked tail, two horns on its head, claws at the ends of its hands, and sharp teeth that poked right through its large lips.
“There ain’t nobody here tonight except you and me,” the creature said to old Sam Gibb. It had a voice like the hiss of flames. Sam’s heart nearly stopped with fright. He leapt to his feet.
“There ain’t going to be nobody here but you in a minute,” Sam Gibb told the gnarled creature. He leapt straight for the nearest exit - which happened to be the window - and hi-tailed it down the lane lickety-split. He ran so fast he overtook two rabbits being chased by a coyote. But it wasn’t long before he heard the pounding of little hooves, and the gnarled creature with the red eyes had caught up with him.
“You’re making pretty good speed for an old man,” said the creature to old Sam Gibb.
“Oh, I can run much faster than this,” Sam Gibb told it. He took off like a bolt of lightning, leaving the gnarled creature in the dust. As he ran past the smithy, the blacksmith came flying out of the forge to see what was wrong.
“Never mind about them watermelons,” Sam Gibb shouted to the blacksmith without breaking his stride.
Old Sam Gibb ran all the way home and hid under his bed for the rest of the night. After that, he was a firm believer in ghosts and spooks, and he refused to go anywhere near the old house in the woods.
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In the dark, dark woods, there is a dark, dark house.
And in the dark, dark house, there is a dark, dark room.
And in the dark, dark room, there is a dark, dark cabinet.
And in the dark, dark cabinet, there is a dark, dark shelf.
And on the dark, dark shelf, there is a dark, dark box.
And in the dark, dark box . . . there is a ghost!
Horror stories can be more or less frightening than reality. They form an important part of human play, helping to immunize us against the real terrors of the world in which we live so that we can go on in spite of it all. And the humor? It is the sugar that helps the medicine go down.
A woman awakened in the night to see a hideous apparition with glowing red eyes at the foot of her bed. The creature had an appearance like some sort of fog or mist, and she could see right through it. It had a hand on her husband’s ankle and was pulling him off the bed. The woman cried, “Stop!” The thing said, “He’s mine!” and continued to pull her husband off the bed. The woman screamed, “Be gone with you in the name of all that is good!” The fog immediately released the man’s ankle and vanished down into the narrow spaces between the floorboards, glowing red eyes and all, to be seen no more. When her husband awoke in the morning, he had dark bruises all around his ankle.
Skeleton and Ghost
A skeleton once in Khartoum
Invited a ghost to its room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to which should be frightened of whom.
A couple was walking home after a Halloween party, and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tap sound coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they discovered an old man with a hammer and chisel was chipping away at one of the headstones. “Hey, Mister,” the guy said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working out here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
Overheard: If people in horror movies would only listen to me, they might be able to escape!
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Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe; as it happened, in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see ten feet in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skid out of control! Bob attempted to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerved and smashed into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his wife unconscious, with a large bump on her head. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knew he had to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picked his wife up and began trudging down the road. After a short while, he saw a light.
He headed toward the light, which was coming from a big old house. He approached the door and knocked. A minute passed. A small, hunched man opened the door. Bob immediately blurted out, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We have been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I am sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we do not have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will go get him.”
Bob carried his wife in. An elegant man came down the stairs. “I am afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, take them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picked up Betty and carried her downstairs, with Bob following closely behind. Igor placed Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor placed Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looked worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”
Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty were no more. The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his pipe organ, for it was here that he had always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, haunting melody filled the house.
Meanwhile, Igor was still in the lab tidying up. As the music filled the lab, his eyes spied movement. He noticed the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watched as Bob’s arm began to rise! He was even further amazed as Betty sat straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory. He burst in and shouted to his master -
You sure you want to know? Okay, you asked for it -
“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
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“It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the ‘World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.’” -Jack Handy (born 1949)
Perhaps now would be a good time for you to make the maniacal laugh you have been working on . . .
In a Dark, Dark Room
A man was walking home alone late one night when he heard a BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, and made out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified, the man began to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him . . . faster . . . faster . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, slammed and locked the door behind him. However, the coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locked himself in. His heart was pounding; his head was reeling; his breath was coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash, the coffin started breaking down the door . . . Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screamed and reached for something heavy, anything . . . his hand came to rest on a roll of cough drops. Desperate, he threw the cough drops as hard as he could at the apparition . . . and . . . the coffin stopped! Why, you ask? Because, as everyone knows, cough drops stop the coffin!
Earth itself is a horror story in a terrifying Universe. Here is just one example that proves it: Lightning strikes the planet about 6,000 times every minute, and there are little gray-green creatures called television repairmen that run around all over the planet, chasing the lightning to try to catch it - what, that isn’t true at all?
“I grew up in Michigan on the Lower Peninsula, on Lake Saint Clair. We lived out in the country, at a time when there was still some of it around, and the woods spread as far as you could see. Other than the main road, everything was dirt. The road that this story takes place on is not far from my childhood home. I can’t say for sure if it is true or not. Some people swear that it is, while others insist it is just a made-up story. I never saw it but that does not mean it is not real. So here is the tale of my hometown ghost. It took place in Algonac, on Marrow Road. The story behind the road is that a woman went out in the middle of a winter night to try to find her toddler, who had somehow gotten out alone. Sadly, they both froze to death. If you park on the bridge at midnight and honk your car horn three times, she will appear to see if you have her baby. She is also said to be wearing a white gown at times and carrying her frozen baby. At other times, a green light will hover and chase people away.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: I have seen things . . . awful things . . . empty coffee cup things . . .
Horror stories and scary tales can have unstated morals - stories about haunted houses can keep people from trespassing in abandoned properties, which are often unsafe and can result in injury, typically from such things as people falling through floors with rotten floorboards, or old rafters and beams falling on people. Can you think of other possibly unsafe places that horror stories might protect people from?
Poultrygeists: Haunted chickens.
This story comes from the early twentieth century. Some of you may be old enough to remember the twentieth century. It happened in the life of a man named Jedidiah Jeremiah. As he tells it, “I inherited an estate in New Hampshire from my grandmother on my father’s side of the family. The house was a twenty-bedroom mansion. Large orchards covered the property. I stayed in the mansion to watch over the property until it could be sold at auction. I slept in the only heated part of the mansion, the servants’ quarters adjoining the kitchen. At nights, just before dawn, while I slept, my covers would be pulled off. After a few nights, this became tiresome, so I lay awake in bed one night, and when the covers began to be pulled off me, I pulled back. I became involved in a tug-of-war with some things that growled at me. I jumped up in terror, stood up on top of the mattress, and threw the covers on the floor at the foot of the bed. After that, for the remaining nights, I stayed in a hotel several miles away. I drove to the estate during the day. I arrived early one morning to look over the bedroom, and in the closet I found some loose floorboards that I pulled up. Underneath was a sort of tunnel leading through a crawl space to the outside of the mansion, with the orchards just a few hundred yards beyond. A few days following, while in the nearby town, I looked up the old cook. I mentioned the nighttime goings on.” “That,” he said, “Would have been the tree imps. They were waking you to let you know to begin preparations for breakfast.” “Tree imps?” I said. “Yes, the souls of the poor departed servants, staying on to care for the orchards, house, and grounds of the estate.”
In the Dark
In the dark, dark world
There’s a dark, dark, country;
In the dark, dark, country,
There are dark, dark woods;
In the dark, dark woods
There’s a dark, dark house;
And in the dark, dark house
There’s a man trying to find the circuit breaker!
For a frightfully good time, read Maurice Sendaks’ book “Where the Wild Things Are” (9 April 1963). This children’s picture book is 40 pages long and has just 338 words. It is available from your local public library or bookseller or on the interwebs.
End It Your Way!
There was a young lady from Norway
Who saw something strange in a doorway.
What she saw she won’t say,
But her red hair turned gray,
Now won’t you just end it your way?
“The witching hour, somebody had once whispered to her, was a special moment in the middle of the night when every child and every grown-up was in a deep, deep sleep, and all the dark things came out from hiding and had the world all to themselves.” -Roald Dahl: “The BFG” (1982)
Would it be better to have a horrible ending, or to have horrors without end?
A Gruesome Story
Do you want to hear a gruesome story?
A farmer planted a pumpkin seed.
He watered it and cared for it very well,
And soon it grew some, and grew some!
Emma: What would you get if you crossed scary stories with nursery rhymes?
Esmeralda: Mother Goosebumps.
Some time ago, a woman who was an up-and-coming nature photographer, decided to spend a day and a night alone in the woods outside of town. She wanted to get photos of the woods and wildlife as naturally as she could, for her portfolio. She was not afraid of being alone, as she had camped by herself many times before. She set up a tent in the middle of a small clearing and spent the day taking pictures. She filled up two memory cards on that trip, but something was strange about them. What she saw in those pictures has stayed with ever since, and she is still trying to recover from the trauma they have caused her . . . almost every picture was accounted for, save for one picture in each memory card. These pictures were of her, asleep in her tent in the middle of the night.
Dawn be frightened, it’s just me!
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time just before a curve. The guy gathered his strength, got out of the car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet from the falling rain and in shock, he ran into a diner and asked for a glass of water, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had gone through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and seemed sincere. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same diner, and one said to the other, “Look, that’s the guy who climbed into the car while we were pushing it.”
“Monsters are real and ghosts are real. They live inside us and sometimes they win.” -Stephen King (born 1947)
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asked her if she enjoyed it. She admitted to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobweb-lined rooms and passages. “Don’t worry” said the guide, “I’ve never seen a ghost in all of the time I’ve been here.” “How long is that?” asked the girl. “About four hundred years.”
The Man Who Wasn’t There
As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today,
I wish, I wish he’d stay away.
-Hughes Mearns (1875 - 1965): “The Psyco-ed” (1910)
Ghoul D. Locks and the Three Scares!
Do have a scary story, the kind you might tell around a campfire? Please let us know at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. There is an actual horror story going on right now - the story of all the people who have not yet heard about the ‘Make Fun Of Life! Website’ - and you can do something about it, by telling people where you saw this ‘Horror Stories’ topic and all of the other strange and wonderful stuff on this page . . .
The great outdoors is now available in your choice of wonderful fresh natural outdoorsy scent or the all-new coffee and bacon over a campfire aroma . . .
“I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees.” -Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)
Each Campfire Lights Anew
Each campfire lights anew
The flame of friendship true
The joy we’ve had in knowing you
Will last our whole life through.
And as the embers fade away
We wish that we might ever stay
But since we cannot have our way
We’ll come again some other day.
“Earth and Sky, Woods and Fields, Lakes and Rivers, the Mountain and the Sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913): “The Use of Life” (1894), chapter IV: ‘Recreation’
“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, for the opportunity to rain on a tent.” -Dave Barry (born 1947)
“The purpose of a wilderness journey is not to get from one end of the trail to the other, but to enjoy the landscape, and adapt to its ever-changing moods.” -Bill Mason
“When you are lost in the woods, the most basic rule of survival is: Never look like food.” -Author Unknown: park ranger advice
Dog’s best friend is man . . . especially when man takes dog along on a hike!
The International Appalachian Trail is a scenic nature path that extends from Key West, Florida, United States of America north to Belle Isle, Canada (with a ferry ride between the Gaspé Peninsula of Quebec and Newfoundland). But wait, there’s more: there are other trails and proposed extensions of trails, meandering through parts of Europe and Africa, along a path that was once in what are known as the Central Pangean Mountains that existed long ago as part of the continent of Pangea.
“I would rather be among forest animals and the sounds of nature, than amongst city traffic and the noise of man.” -Anthony Douglas Williams
Sleeping bag: A nap-sack.
“Hiking is a bit like life: The journey only requires you to put one foot in front of the other . . . again and again and again. And if you allow yourself the opportunity to be present throughout the entirety of the trek, you will witness beauty every step of the way, not just at the summit.” -Author Unknown
For those who have trouble sleeping, researchers say that one week of camping - without electronics - resets our biological body clocks and synchronizes our melatonin hormones with sunrise and sunset.
Your Adventure Starts Here! Find gear for Fishing, Boating, Hunting, Camping, and much more at Bass Pro Shops by clicking on this link: www.BassPro.com.
“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.” -Edward Abbey (1927 - 1989)
- Get even with a bear that raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
- You can compress the diameter of your rolled-up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
- Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read, “Beat on a rock beside a stream.”
- Tent stakes come only in the quantity ‘N-1’ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
- If you are on a tight budget, you can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
Now for your outdoorsy tongue twister: Stalwart Stewart seldom shuns strolling in the sunshine on satisfying September days.
“Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.” -John Muir (1838 - 1914)
Did you know that you can go camping without ever making a campfire or using fuel and a cooking stove? You can still have coffee or tea, just use packets of an instant coffee and make sun tea with tea bags, and drink the beverages cold. You can eat foods such as beef jerky, nuts and seeds, fruits, and other ready-to-eat foods that you can carry with you.
“The outdoors is what you must pass through to get from your apartment to a taxicab.” -Fran Lebowitz (born 1950): as quoted in “Mademoiselle” (1976)
One summer, a father took his son camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the Sun (it was an overcast day), and so forth. Just as his son was beginning to panic, the father spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned in the right direction, and led them right back to camp. “That was amazing,” the son said. “How did you do it?” “Simple,” the father replied. “In this part of the country, all of the satellite television antenna dishes point south.”
Backpacking: An extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need for half the distance they planned to go in twice the time it should take.
Overheard: How can it be that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire? The Universe has a funny sense of humor.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
The following are actual statements left on United States Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers after completing wilderness camping trips:
- A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
- Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
- Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
- Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please move these annoying animals to another part of the park.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
- Too many rocks in the mountains.
“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.” -Dave Barry (born 1947)
Pack out what you pack in. Make sure that every bit of packaging and containers and other material that you bring with you when you go camping or hiking or exploring the great outdoors goes back into your backpack or pocket and is carried with you back out of the area. Leave the wonders of nature unspoiled by litter and garbage, for the sake of those who will be there after you, both humans and animals.
“Out-Of-Doors, noun: That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Devil’s Dictionary” (1911)
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” -George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)
This is 'MFOL!' . . . reminding you that the adventure of life is out there waiting for you . . . what are you waiting for?
Cell phones are turning humans everywhere into downward-facing zoned-out zombies . . .
A man called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered the telephone said, “Bob will be on vacation for the next two weeks. Would you like to hold?”
Patrick: Why did old Mrs. Crow have such a huge phone bill?
Patricia: She made too many long distance caws.
In the late 1930’s, a man named Abe Pickens of Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America, attempted to promote world peace by placing personal calls to various national leaders. He managed to contact Mussolini, Hirohito, Franco, and Hitler (Hitler did not understand English and transferred him to an aide). He spent $10,000 on telephone calls in an effort to bring about world peace.
Caller: I would like the number for a Reverend in Marysville, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Mrs. Rogers picked up the phone to hear an anguished voice on the other end of the line saying, “Ma, this has been the worst day of my life. I am going crazy. The kids are all sick and home from school. I haven’t a thing in the house. I have a doctor’s appointment. I’m going out of my mind!” “I’ll come over,” Mrs. Rogers said, “but I don’t know why Robert can’t take care of the kids.” “Who’s Robert?” “Your husband.” “My husband’s name is William.” “You must have the wrong number.” “Oh . . . does this mean you’re not coming over?”
Nick: How do elephants talk to each other?
Bernice: On ’elephones!
Caller: I would like the number of the Argoed Fish Café in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I am sorry, there is no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Café, but the B fell off.
How far do you have to stand from a telephone to make a long-distance call?
The first telephone conversation happened between two people who were just 18 feet apart - you might say it was a close call.
Suggested Recorded Messages for Answering Machines and Voice Mail
- Hi, this is Arthur’s answering machine. He is not here, so speak freely at the beep.
- Hello, this is Beulah’s toaster. Beulah’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done . . . cachunk!
-This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
- Hello. This is Ron. I am home right now but I cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
- Hi. Now you say something.
- Glad you called but I just am not able to entertain you right now. However, if you are offering to buy dinner, I may be available sooner than you think. Don’t forget to leave your name and number so I don’t get mixed up with different offers and go to the wrong restaurant. Bye.
- Hi, I am not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
- T is for turkey, D is for deer. One of those reasons is why we are not here. So leave a message at the beep.
Darcy: Why there are so many people named Smith in the phone book?
Craig: They all have phones.
Did you know that you can play tunes by pushing the buttons on a telephone? All you need to do is call a friend and push the numbered buttons as shown.
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Row, row, row your boat
4, 4, 4, 8, 6
Gent-ly down the stream
6, 2, 6, 9, #
#, #, #, 0, 0, 0
Life is but a dream.
6, 2, 2, 1, 1
Lon-don Bridge is fall-ing down
6, 9, 6, 8, 7, 8, 6
Fall-ing down fall-ing down
1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9
Lon-don Bridge is fall-ing down
6, 9, 6, 8, 7, 8, 6
My fair la-day
8, 6, 0, 4
“If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” -James Thurber
“Information. Can I help you?”
“I’d like the telephone number of the Theater Guild, please.”
“One moment, please . . . I’m sorry, sir, I have no listing for Theodore Guild.”
“No, no, it isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s ‘Theater Guild’.”
“I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.”
“Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater! T-h-e-a-t-e-r!”
“That, sir, is not the way Theodore is spelled.”
Riddle: I have a ring, but no finger - what am I?
Solution: A telephone.
The first bathtub came in 1850. The telephone was not invented until 1876. A lucky gal or guy could have spent twenty-six years in the bathtub without the telephone ringing once!
“How does the phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don’t pick it up and do a cartwheel and a somersault.” -Larry Miller
Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water
The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of ‘F.’
“I tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I put in my donor card number instead of my calling card number . . . it cost me an arm and a leg.” -Author Unknown
Telepathy: A condition caused by talking too much on telephones.
“One person’s wrong number is another person’s phone number.” -Author Unknown
John: What do you get if you cross a telephone and a dog?
Nadia: A Golden Receiver.
“For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.” -Author Unknown
More Suggested Recorded Messages for Answering Machines and Voice Mail
- Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just ran away with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
- Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand, mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
- You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My humans do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
- We’re not home, we’re rarely home,
And when we’re home, we’re on the phone,
So please leave a message at the tone!
- Hi! Cassi’s answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I will stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?” “Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Thank goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
“Your cell phone has replaced your watch, camera, etc. Don’t let it replace your friends and family.” -Author Unknown
A woman was being swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a toll-free 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” The company got a new number the next day.
Caller: I would like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.
“Uneasy lies the head that ignores a telephone call late at night.” -William Feather (1889 - 1981): “The Business of Life” (1949)
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell’s laboratory. An exciting new discovery is about to take place. In the next room sits Bell’s assistant, a man named Watson, hard at work on Bell’s new invention to transmit sound over wires. As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, it suddenly rings - it must be Bell! He picked it up, and heard: “Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?”
Utility is when you have one telephone,
Luxury is when you have two,
And paradise is when you have none.
The next time you try to call someone and their answering machine or voice mail greets you and asks you to leave a message, have a little fun with them. For example, say, “Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? I’m trapped inside your phone. It’s cold and dark in here, and I’m hungry and scared. I’ve got to get out of here. Please, please, help me!”
“I finally realized it . . . People are prisoners of their phones. That’s why they are called cell phones.” -Author Unknown
More than 50 percent of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. They depend on face-to-face live-in-person communication instead. If only the rest of us could be so fortunate!
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes . . . that would be the one.
In Icelandic phone books, people are listed by their first names and not their surnames, or last names.
We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees, divide by zero, and try again.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant -
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone -
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee -
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
-Laura Richards (Laura Elizabeth Richards) (about 1880)
‘Telephone’ is derived from the Greek words ‘tele’ meaning ‘at a distance’ and ‘phonos’ meaning ‘sound.’ A telephone is an electronic apparatus that originally allowed people to send and receive sounds over a distance, and which now also allows people to send and receive text in text messages, sound recordings such as music, and images such as photographs.
In the first month of the Bell Telephone Company’s existence in 1877, only six telephones were sold. The first telephone book, made in 1878, contained only 50 names. Fast-forward to the present, when the world in which we live is essentially a very large telephone company.
Riddle: What do you call a rhinoceros in a telephone booth?
Nomophobia is a persistent fear of being out of mobile phone contact . . . and we had always thought it referred to a fear of gnomes . . . those terrifying and yet annoying little figures.
Emergency Use Tips for Cell Phones
Your cell phone can actually be an aid to survival in serious emergencies.
The emergency number worldwide for cell phones is 112. If you find yourself outside of the coverage area of your cellular network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the service will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and the number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? If you lock your keys in the car, and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the cell phone on their end. Your car will unlock. This saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object; you could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ‘remote’ for your car, you can unlock the doors, or the trunk, if you should somehow become locked inside it.
Your cell phone has hidden battery power. When your cell phone battery is very low, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve, and will show a fifty percent increase in battery strength. This reserve will be recharged the next time your charge your cell phone.
To disable a stolen cell phone, first find your cell phone’s serial number, by keying in the following digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. If your phone is ever stolen, you can call your cell phone service provider and give them this code. They can block your handset so that even if a thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be completely useless. You probably will not get your stolen phone back, but at least you know that the person who stole it will not be able to use it or sell it. If everyone did this, there would be no point in people stealing cell phones.
The first transatlantic wedding took place on 2 December 1933. The groom was in Michigan. The bride was in Sweden. The ceremony took seven minutes and cost $47.50.
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine . . . except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!
“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” -William Preece (1878) (1834 - 1913), Welsh Chief Engineer of the British Post Office
There are hundreds of millions of telephones in the world, so when you dial a number right in two tries, you are not doing badly at all.
Caller: I would like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I cannot find a town called ‘Woven.’ Are you sure of the name?
Caller: Yes. That’s what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
“Telephones [will] bring peace on Earth, eliminate Southern accents, and save the farm by making farmers less lonely.” -Author Unknown: printed in “The Wall Street Journal” (1995) ‘Century-old Pronouncements’
Ring, ring . . . Hello? Hello? Is anybody out there? Do you know any phone jokes or phone facts? Please tell! You can reach us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . jolly good, then!
Sunny yellow optimism cookies, or gloomy blue-gray pessimism cookies . . . if only all decisions in life were so easy to make!
Elvis: What kind of cookies do birds like?
Priscilla: Chocolate-chirp cookies.
“In the cookie of life, friends are the sweet chocolate chips.” -Author Unknown
The American word ‘cookie’ comes from the Dutch word ‘koekjes,’ which came from the Dutch word ‘koek’ meaning ‘cake.’ ‘Cookie’ was introduced into the English language in the early eighteenth century. It is thought the term caught on in early America because of the evident Dutch presence. The British call cookies ‘small cakes,’ ‘sea biscuits,’ or ‘tea cakes.’
Victoria: Why was the little cookie sad?
Flora: Because its mom had been a wafer so long.
tough cookie, noun. 1. Someone with just the right mix of sweetness and strength. 2. Someone who does not crumble under pressure.
I am making cookie dough
Round and round the beaters go
Add some flour from a cup
Stir and stir the batter up
Roll them, cut them nice and neat
Put them on a cookie sheet
Bake them, count them - one, two, three
Serve them to my friends for tea.*
*‘Tea’ is this instance refers not merely to the beverage, but to ‘teatime,’ the time traditionally set aside each day in many places for partaking in tea and sometimes edibles such as cookies.
“I just figured if I was going to make the world a better place, I’d do it with cookies.” -Ana Pascal: “Stranger than Fiction” (10 November 2006); type of work: movie
Cookies baked in a muffin tray will not spread out and stick together, and may be fluffier.
Let us all return to a kinder, gentler, simpler time . . . a time of milk and cookies!
Overheard: I went to dunk my cookie in a glass of milk . . . and I fell right in! Good thing the cookie fell in with me . . . crunch, crunch . . . glug, glug . . . mmm-mmm, yummy!
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research shows America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” -Unidentified expert’s response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting her company, Mrs. Fields Cookies (how very wrong the ‘expert’ was!)
George: What kind of snack do little monkeys like with milk?
Geoffrey: Chocolate-chimp cookies.
Stir the dough and roll it flat
Then cut cookies just like that
Into the oven, watch them go
They must bake a while, you know
When they’re brown and nicely done
We’ll have cookies for everyone!
No-Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies, just as the name suggests, need no baking. For the recipe, please visit our activities page by clicking on the link here: http://www.makefunoflife.net/activities.
Penny: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Penelope: Because it was feeling crumby.
Cookie: A method for converting sugar, flour, and butter into body fat.
Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe for Engineers and Scientists
□ 532.35 cm3 gluten
□ 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
□ 4.9 cm3 refined halite
□ 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
□ 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
□ 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
□ 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
□ Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein units
□ 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
□ 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium before serving.
We are trying really hard to remember . . . what is it Moses, Noah, or Job who led the Canaanites to the land of milk and cookies?
- Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Fortune Cookies
- Ginger Snaps
- Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
- Peanut Butter Cookies
- Sandwich Cookies
- Sugar Cookies
- Vanilla Wafers
Can you think of other types of cookies?
Animal Crackers are cookies that were imported to the United States of America from England in the late 1800’s. Barnum’s Circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on Christmas trees.
Animal crackers, and cocoa to drink,
That is the finest of suppers, I think;
When I’m grown up and can have what I please
I think I shall always insist upon these.
-Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): “Chimneysmoke” (1921)
National Animal Crackers Day is on 18 April each year.
If the folks at ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ made the "Sesame Street" television show . . .
Scene: Bert and Ernie are seeing Oscar the Grouch for the first time, as Mr. Grouch suddenly pops up out of a garbage can, and Bert points at him.
Bert: Hey, Ernie, is that a cookie?
Ernie: Gee, I don’t know, Bert. Let’s dunk it in a glass of milk and find out!
Just then, Cookie Monster appears and says: Cookie?!
Oscar the Grouch makes a surprised shriek and disappears back into the garbage can. Bert, Ernie, and Cookie Monster all laugh.
Cut to next scene: The actual producers of "Sesame Street" are shown taking out a restraining order against the folks at ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
As you can see from this short topic, we need more humor, facts, and fun stuff about Cookies. If are someone who knows such things, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com . . . the search for funny continues . . .
Even monsters like to have fun. Here we see Frankenstein’s Monster and Wolf Man sharing a laugh.
Arnie: What is big, red, and eats rocks?
Arnold: A big red rock eater!
Lydia: Why don’t monsters play hide-and-seek?
Lindsey: Who would want to look for them?
Teratrophobia is a persistent fear of monsters, but did you know that the reason monsters hide under beds, ghosts hide in vacant houses, and the boogieman hides in closets is that they are all afraid of you?
Pauline: What is the best way to speak to a big scary monster?
Linette: From a long distance!
Dom: What do monsters call human beings?
Don: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
- A monster is an imaginary creature that is often large or frightening in appearance.
- Monsters can be ogres, ghouls, goblins, half-human-half-animals, space aliens, sea monsters, or any of many other types.
- A group of monsters is called a gang, a troupe, or a horror.
- Monsters will eat anything, including people, buildings, rocks, and lasagna.
- If you see a motionless monster, do not poke it with a stick to see if it is alive, because it might be just taking a nap - and monsters can wake up grumpy or hungry from their naps.
- People often mistake ordinary animals and other people for monsters when they cannot see them clearly, as for example, when it is dark or wooded.
Manny: When is the best time to talk to a monster?
Manuel: When it isn’t hungry!
Ronnie: What did the monster eat after the dentist worked on its teeth?
Ronald: The dentist.
On a rainy day?
Mae: What is the best way to talk to a huge hideous scary monster?
Kay: By long-distance phone call.
Hughie: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Goldie: Because it wanted a ‘light’ snack.
Arthur any monsters under the bed?
Chet: What should you do with a blue monster?
Chester: Cheer her up!
Myrtle: How do you make a blue monster green?
Gertie: Take her on a roller coaster ride!
It’s Boring Being a Monster
It’s boring being a monster,
Chasing kids around,
Hiding underneath their beds,
Not making any sound -
It’s boring waiting on the stairs,
Hoping they’ll walk by,
Boring making little creaks,
Trying to make kids cry.
It takes so long to learn this trade,
To skulk and tap and moan,
It’s boring waiting all the time
In someone else’s home.
I want to see the world out there,
I want to make some friends,
Waiting for the night-time
Never seems to end.
I’d like to slide down banisters,
Shriek and yell and scream,
Boogie to some disco songs,
Let off a bit of steam,
I’d like to run around the house,
Turn on all the lights,
Eat marshmallows, watch TV,
On dark and dismal nights.
I’d like to have a bath sometimes,
And clean my smelly hair -
Put some decent clothes on,
For someone who would care.
I’d like to sit down to a meal,
Smile and laugh and chat,
Have a coffee and ice-cream,
Put on a little fat.
I dream of being normal,
Having a little fun -
It’s boring being a monster,
When all is said and done.
Annette: What do you call a monster that has a bunch of children?
Annie: A momster!
Pierce: Where can lost monsters be found?
Percy: Monsters are so big that they never get lost.
Alvin Schwartz’s book “Kickle Snifters” (1 January 1976) describes creatures that maybe don’t really exist. The rubberado moves by bouncing, and laughs each time it lands. Bouncing is the only way a rubberado can get around. The squonk is always crying. If you catch a squonk and put it in a sack, it will cry so hard that nothing is left but a puddle. Kickle snifters live in old men’s beards. They laugh all the time because beards tickle. When a wunk gets scared, it digs a hole and jumps in, and then it pulls the hole in after it. These and other creatures are found in this astounding book available at your local public library and through booksellers.
Bartholomew: Why did the Blob eat the North Pole?
Barry: Because it wanted a frozen dinner.
Dorothy: What’s the difference between a huge, scary monster and a puppy?
These ‘monsters’ are just silly people in Halloween costumes.
Howard: What does a boy monster call a girl who has three eyes, two noses, and three mouths?
Melonie: How does a monster count to twenty-three?
Melody: On his fingers.
Official Bedtime Checklist for Monsters in the Home
□ Say loudly, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
□ Check under beds with flashlight.
□ Check behind curtains.
□ Look in closets.
□ Look behind you.
□ Listen for noises.
□ Look inside all major appliances: washing machine, dryer, refrigerator, oven.
□ Jump into bed and hide under the covers.
□ Breath deep and relax.
□ Sweet dreams!
Eve: Why did the monster knit herself three socks?
Evelyn: Because she grew another foot.
Pearl: What happened to the monster who took the five o’clock train home?
Ruby: He had to give it back.
“Don’t eat with your fingers, dear,” said the humongous monster to her son. “Use your shovel.”
Patricia: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Patty: Give him some screws.
Zeke: What do you say when you greet a two-headed monster?
Ezekiel: “Hello! Hello!”
A ghoul stood on a bridge one night,
Its lips were all a-quiver;
It gave a cough,
Its leg fell off,
And floated down the river.
(Don’t worry for the ghoul - it grew a new leg - but for almost a month it had the nickname ‘Hop-Along.’)
Floyd: Why did everyone laugh when the ogre sat down to play the grand piano?
Lloyd: Because there wasn’t a piano bench!
Florence: Where do ogres dance?
Laurence: At the odd ball!
<0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0>
I thought I saw a monster
Underneath my bed -
His tongue was yellow,
And his eyes were red.
I thought I saw a monster
Underneath my chair -
His face was purple,
And he had pink hair.
I thought I saw a monster
In my room last night -
His legs were orange,
And his feet were white.
I thought I saw a monster
And that he saw me -
But don’t tell my mother,
She’ll be scared you see.
<0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0>
Angelica: What has sixteen feet, is covered in green hair, and loves peanut butter sandwiches?
Angelina: I don’t know either, but it’s eating your lunch!
Daniel: What did the ogre get for his birthday?
Danny: Another year older!
The Ogglewop is tall and wide,
And though he looks quite passive,
He’s crammed with boys and girls inside,
That’s why he is so massive!
Cecilia: What is green and purple and goes, “Crunch, crunch”?
Amelia: A monster eating crackers in bed.
Aggie: Why can’t you join a monster in a glass of milk?
Agnes: Because there isn’t room for both of you in one glass.
“Two heads are better than one . . . as every two-headed monster will tell you.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Brenda: What kind of fur do you get from a monster?
Branden: As fur as you can get.
First Monster: There is an awful rumbling in my stomach - like a cart going over a cobblestone street.
Second Monster: It is probably just that truck you ate for dinner.
- Are monsters real?
- Is ‘imagination run wild’ a good definition of a monster, and what other ways are there to describe a monster?
- After escaping from our imaginations, where do monsters go to live?
- Are there enough monsters in the world, or should we use our imaginations to make some more?
- What should you do if you see a monster?
- Can you draw a monster for us?
Dawn: What is big, scary, and has three wheels?
Don: A monster riding a tricycle!
Clarissa: Where can a monster always find a friend?
Melissa: In the dictionary.
Why do monsters hide under beds?
- They feel safe there.
- They hope to hear a bedtime story.
- They can just roll right into the space.
- It’s like, out of sight, man.
- Monster hunters rarely go under beds.
- They’re afraid you might eat them.
Stan: What is the best thing about being a two-headed monster?
Lee: You can always tell when you have bad breath.
Mandy: How does a ghoul eat?
Amanda: By goblin.
Overheard: I am 36 years old, and I am still afraid that there are monsters under my bed, and that they will eat my feet and hands if they dangle off the edge of the bed!
Sylvia: Who grants wishes to unhappy goblins?
Leah: Their scary godmother.
Owen: What should you do if a monster shows up at your door?
Osmer: Hope it’s Halloween!
The Gorgon, it’s known, is quite prone
To stare and turn people to stone.
Some Greek myths declare
She had snakes for hair.
It’s enough to make Frankenstein groan.
Lemuel: Why do demons and ghouls spend so much time together?
Samuel: Because demons are a ghoul’s best fiend.
Phoebe: Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?
Ophelia: Because he wasn’t very hungry.
Do ghouls gorge on goulash?
Daddy Monster: Why does our little boy have so many holes in his head?
Mommy Monster: Isn’t it just darling? He’s learning to eat with a fork today.
Eli: What is round and green, is covered with yellow hair, has big scaly claws, weighs five hundred pounds, and goes, “Peckety-peck-peck!”?
Lilly: There is no such creature, you silly person!
Sometimes one joke is just not enough to get a monster through the day, so we have many monster jokes. You can do your part to help the monsters by sending your jokes to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Now go out there and make monstrous fun of life - because out there is where it is all happening!
“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle.” -Charles Glassman
“Little words of kindness, little acts of love - bring us just a little bit of Heaven from above.” -Author Unknown
“From now on, your kindness will lead you to success.” -Author Unknown
“It is difficult to give away kindness. It keeps coming back to you.” -Cort Flint
“The whole worth of a kind deed lies in the love that inspires it.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a naughty world.
-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “The Merchant of Venice” (about 1596), Act 5, Scene 1; line spoken by character Portia
“Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.” -Theodore Rubin (Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923))
Kind hearts are the gardens,
Kind thoughts are the roots,
Kind words are the flowers,
Kind deeds are the fruits.
Love is the bright sunshine
That warms into life,
For only in darkness
Grow hate and strife.
Take care of your garden,
And keep it from weeds,
Fill, fill it with flowers,
Kind words and kind deeds.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” -Philo (Philo of Alexandria (20 B.C.E. - C.E. 50.))
“Let us be kinder to one another.” -Aldous Huxley (Aldous Leonard Huxley (1894 - 1963))
“Kind words are the music of the world.” -Frederick William Faber (1814 - 1863)
“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)
“A gentle word, a kind look, a good natured-smile, can work wonders and accomplish miracles.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)
“The best way to keep good acts in memory is to refresh them with new.” -Cato the Elder (Marcus Porcius Cato (233 B.C.E. - 148 B.C.E.))
“Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.” -William Makepeace Thackeray (1811 - 1863)
“The first rule of kindness is to be kind to yourself.” -Bryant McGill (born in 1969)
“Kindness is more than a thought, it’s an action.” -Author Unknown
“Plant kindness and gather love.” -Author Unknown
“A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain. It can be and is often treasured by the recipient for life.” -George D. Prentice
“The fastest way to lift your spirits is to lift someone else’s.” -Author Unknown
“Kindness is wisdom.” -Philip James Bailey (1816 - 1902)
“I wonder why it is that we are not all kinder to each other than we are. How much the world needs it! How easily it is done!” -Henry Drummond
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” -Teresa of Calcutta (Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (1910 - 1997))
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” -Teresa of Calcutta (Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (1910 - 1997))
“Kindness is the golden chain by which society is bound together.” -Johann von Goethe (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832))
“Always be a little kinder than necessary to everyone you meet, for you never know what burdens others may be carrying.” -Author Unknown
“Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world no matter what you look like.” -Author Unknown
Be kind in all
You say and do
That others may
Be kind to you.
“Remember, there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” -Scott Adams
“Do one good deed for another person every day.” -Author Unknown
“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the Sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstandings, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
There is in every human heart
Some not completely barren part,
Where seeds of truth and love might grow,
And flowers of generous virtue flow;
To plant, to watch, to water there,
This be our duty, be our care.
-John Bowring (1792 - 1872)
“One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness - it is so often returned.” -Author Unknown
“Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of their way, but must accept their lot calmly, even if people roll a few stones upon it.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965): “Out of My Life and Thought” (1949)
“Indulge yourself by being generous - help someone out, perform an act of kindness, offer a compliment. The person who will feel most uplifted by you having done so is . . . you.” -Paul Wilson: “The Little Book of Calm” (1996)
“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, believing that one day someone might do the same for you.” -Diana (Princess of Wales (1961 - 1997))
“Flowers leave some of their fragrance in the hand that bestows them.” -Author Unknown
“If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.” -William Feather (1889 - 1981)
“Caring people help others not because they expect a reward but because it is natural to show kindness.” -Author Unknown
Do it this very moment!
Don’t put it off, don’t wait!
There’s no use in doing a kindness
If you do it a day too late.
-Charles Kingsley (1819 - 1875)
“Honey catches more flies than vinegar.” -Giovanni Torriano: “Italian Proverbs” (1666)
“Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?” -J. M. Barrie (James Matthew Barrie (1860 - 1937))
“Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.” -Henry Clay (1777 - 1852): “The Great Compromise”
“It’s a greater accomplishment to be kind than to be brilliant.” -Joseph Telushkin: “Words That Hurt” (15 April 1996), page 126
“Whenever you feel that something as simple as a smile or a kind act will go unnoticed, do it anyway. You never know how much it might change someone else’s life.” -Erin Bishop
“Kind words don’t cost much. Yet they accomplish much.” -Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
“Never underestimate the impact of one good deed . . . it creates a ripple effect.” -Author Unknown
“A good deed brightens a dark world.” -Author Unknown
“The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.” -Dugnet (similar quotation attributed to Larry Eisenberg, Duguet, and Dugnat)
Do not take lightly small good deeds,
Believing they can hardly help.
For drops of water, one by one,
In time, can fill a giant pot.
“Remember that if the opportunities for great deeds should never come, the opportunities for good deeds are renewed day by day. The thing for us to long for is the goodness, not the glory.” -Frederick William Faber (1814 - 1863)
“Being kind is more important than being right.” -Author Unknown
“To cultivate kindness is a valuable part of the business of life.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“Blessings ever wait on virtuous deeds, and though a late, a sure reward succeeds.” -William Congreve (1670 - 1729)
“Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” -Henry James, Junior (1843 - 1916)
“The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be kind.” -George W. Young
Have you done your good deed for the day?
“The kindness lavished on dogs, if evenly distributed, would establish peace on Earth.” -William Feather (1889 - 1981): as quoted in Ted Landphair (at VOA News): “Featherisms” (6 October 2008)
“One kind word can change someone’s entire day.” -Author Unknown
“The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.” -Author Unknown
“There are three rules of dealing with all those who come to us: 1. Kindness, 2. Kindness, 3.Kindness.” -Fulton J. Sheen (1895 - 1979)
That day is best wherein we give
A thought to others’ sorrows;
Forgetting self, we learn to live,
And blessings born of kindly deeds
Make golden our to-morrows.
-Rose H. Thorpe
“A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” -Basil (C.E. 330 - C.E. 379): as attributed in Reverend Elon Foster’s “New Cyclopaedia of Prose Illustrations” (1877), ‘Second Series,’ page 395
“Have you had a kindness shown? Pass it on.” -Henry Burton
“Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August Sun.” -Kent Nerburn
“To remind a man of a kindness you have done him is very much like a reproach.” -Demosthenes (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.” -Aesop: “The Lion and the Mouse”
“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.” -Anne Herbert
You never can tell when you do an act
just what the result will be;
for with every deed, you are sowing a seed -
though its harvest you may never see.
“You never know what someone is going through. A few nice words can help a person a lot more than you think.” -Author Unknown
“Seek to do good, and you will find that happiness will run after you.” -James Freeman Clarke (1810 - 1888)
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” -Leo F. Buscaglia (Felice Leonardo ‘Leo’ Buscaglia (1924 - 1998)): “Born for Love: Reflections on Loving” (1992)
“One good turn deserves another.” -Gaius Petronius Arbiter (C.E. 27 - C.E. 66)
“The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident.” -Charles Lamb (1775 - 1834): as quoted in “The Athenaeum” (4 January 1834), ‘Table Talk by the late Elia’
“No good act performed in the world ever dies. Science tells us that no atom of matter can ever be destroyed, that no force once started ever ends; it merely passes through a multiplicity of ever-changing phases. Every good deed done to others is a great force that starts an unending pulsation through time and eternity. We may not know it, we may never hear a word of gratitude or recognition, but it will all come back to us in some form as naturally, as perfectly, as inevitably, as echo answers to sound.” -William George Jordan
This is 'MFOL!' . . . and now we are going out to do our good deed for the day . . .
Never stop looking up . . .
“We can’t all be stars, but we can all sparkle.” -Author Unknown
What are stars? Stars are massive spheres, or balls, of very hot burning gases, called plasma, held together by their own gravity. Most stars contain mostly hydrogen, with small amounts of helium. Some stars have tiny amounts of other elements as well.
“At night, an enormous blanket is put over the Earth to keep it warm. The blanket is very old and worn out, and so it has many tiny holes in it. The holes where the Sun’s light comes through are called stars.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Stars form in nebulas, which are large gaseous areas of space. As gravity attracts and condenses more and more gas into clusters, young stars called protostars start to form.
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” -William Shakespeare
Stars radiate energy created from nuclear fusion, which is a process that takes place in a star’s core and involves hydrogen fusing, or burning, to make helium. Once nuclear fusion has begun in the core, a star is sufficiently fueled to spend the majority of its life as a main sequence star, or twinkly thing, in its most stable form.
“Even a small star shines in the darkness.” -Author Unknown: Finnish proverb
A brown dwarf forms if a star does not become hot enough to reach nuclear fusion. While a brown dwarf has failed to become a proper star, it is not a planet because it does glow dimly.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
Held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
You look small ’cause you’re so far.
As you burn through constant fusion,
Your twinkle’s just an optical illusion
That happens when your light gets near,
Distorted by our atmosphere.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
Spreading light and heat so far.
As you use up fuel you’ll grow,
And give off a scarlet glow.
Maybe you’ll go supernova
Exploding elements all over.
Now I know just what you are,
And I know I’m made of stars.
-Author Unknown: parody of Jane Taylor’s poem, “The Star” (1806)
The most common stars are red dwarfs. They are less than half the size and mass of our Sun, and burn their fuel very slowly. Red dwarfs last longer than any other type of star, at more than 100 billion years. They are cooler than most stars, and so shine less, eventually growing dimmer.
“We are made of stardust. Every atom of every element in your body except for hydrogen has been manufactured inside stars, scattered across the Universe in great stellar explosions, and recycled to become part of you.” -John Gribbin: “Stardust” (2000)
When smaller stars such as red dwarfs or red giants use up all of their fuel and nuclear fusion slows, they start to die, and become small white dwarf stars, which emit white light until they finally darken into black dwarfs.
“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems . . . But all these stars are silent. You - you alone, will have stars as no one else has them . . .” -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Antoine Marie Jean-Baptiste Roger (1900 - 1944))
A dwarf star is so dense that it would take eight people to lift a teaspoonful of its matter. As yellow dwarf stars like our Sun start to run out of hydrogen fuel, the core shrinks, heats, and pushes out the rest of the star, turning it into a red giant.
Wish Upon a Star
Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have this wish I wish tonight.
Red supergiants, such as Betelgeuse in the constellation Orion, make our Sun look small, having 20 times its mass, and being 1,000 times bigger in size. Red hypergiants, such as the largest known star, VY Canis Majoris, are even bigger, at more than 1,800 times the size of our Sun.
“It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.” -Author Unknown
Big stars like supergiants and hypergiants have shorter lives because they consume their fuel at a faster rate than smaller stars. As these massive stars die, they explode into massive bright supernovas.
If you tell the average person there are 278,805,732,168 stars in the Universe, he will believe you. But if a sign reads, “Wet Paint,” he has to make a personal investigation.
Star matter blown apart in supernova explosions forms new stellar nebula, and the process of making stars begins all over again.
“Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything; they must just look on forever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it is.” -James Matthew Barrie: “Peter Pan”
Very heavy stars that go supernova can actually turn into black holes, while other supernovas leave behind white neutron stars that are 20 to 40 kilometers (12.5 to 25 miles) in diameter and have dense cores made of neutrons.
Riddle: I shine high in the sky - what am I?
Solution: I am a star.
As a star approaches the end of its life, it begins to change the helium into heavier chemical elements, such as carbon and oxygen, and the star will begin to change its color, density, mass, and size.
“With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.” -Ransom K. Ferm
Stars range in color depending on how hot they are. In order from lowest to highest temperature, they can be brown, red, orange, yellow, white, or blue in color.
“Stars have always helped me to get things into perspective . . . I tried to let the starlight heal something deep in me that hurt.” -Madeleine L’Engle
Stars are often between 1 and 10 billion years old. Some stars may even be close to the age of the observed Universe, at nearly 13.8 billion years old.
An ancient astronomer stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun had gone. In the morning, it finally dawned on him.
Astronomers . . . mapping the way to future homeworlds for humanity . . .
There are more stars in the Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of the world. We know this because we have been traveling the world’s beaches with a pencil, a notebook, and a magnifying glass, counting all of the itsy-bitsy granules of sand . . . if you see us out there, be sure to say hello!
The stars are tiny daisies high,
Opening and shutting in the sky.
The daisies are the stars below,
Twinkling and sparkling as they grow.
Each galaxy contains hundreds of billions of stars and there are estimated to be more than 100 billion galaxies in the Universe. The total number of stars in the Universe is mind boggling, estimated to be at least 70 sextillion and possibly as high as 300 sextillion, which is 300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
“Put three grains of sand inside a vast cathedral, and the cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than space is with stars.” -James Jeans: as attributed in Laurence J. Peter’s “Peter’s Quotations: Ideas for Our Time” (1993)
Our Milky Way Galaxy is an area in space crowded with lots of stars - so many that it resembles a road of spilled milk. That is how it got its name! There are estimated to be somewhere between 200 and 400 billion stars in the Milky Way.
Galaxies are speeding away from Earth at 90,000 miles per second. What do you suppose they know that we don’t?
The light emitted by 200,000 galaxies makes our Universe a shade of beige. Scientists call the color ‘cosmic latte.’ Of course, if a scientist is up late at night looking at stars, it might be because he or she is highly caffeinated.
The light from stars takes millions of years to reach Earth, so when you look at the stars, you are literally looking back in time.
“Galileo invented the telescope, and then about five minutes later, invented spying on his neighbors.” -Author Unknown
While a clear night sky may appear to be full of stars, there are really only about 2,000 to 3,000 stars visible to the unaided eye, meaning without the use of a telescope. These stars are all either close to the Earth or intensely luminous, meaning very bright, like yourself.
Visiting an observatory, the backwoods man watched the astronomer look through his telescope. Just then a star fell. “Wow-weee!” exclaimed the man. “You sure are a great shot!”
Stars only appear to twinkle because we see them through the Earth’s atmosphere. Stars shine at an unblinking steady state, but atmospheric disturbances called eddies, which we experience as slight breezes and winds, make stars look sparkly.
The melody to the song, “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” was composed by Mozart when he was five years old, and the lyrics were written by Jane Taylor.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. We know this because we spend a lot of time hanging out at the bottom of old wells and chimneys . . .
At just 149,600 kilometers (92,900,000 miles) distant, the nearest star to Earth is a yellow dwarf star called the Sun. The next nearest star to Earth is a red dwarf star called Proxima Centauri, also known as Alpha Centauri C. It was discovered in 1915 by Scottish astronomer Robert Innes while he was working at the Union Observatory in Johannesburg, South Africa. It is about 39.9 trillion kilometers (24.79 trillion miles) or 4.25 light years away. Light from this star reaches Earth in 4.25 years. A spacecraft using the newest, fastest propulsion systems would take about 75,000 years to get there.
Arnold: Did you know there’s a star called the Dog Star?
Owen: Are you Sirius?
Binary stars and multi-star systems are made up of two or more stars that are gravitationally linked, so that they orbit around each other.
Astronomy: A science that is way over most people’s heads.
A comet is a relatively small solar system body that orbits the Sun. When close enough to the Sun, comets display a visible coma, which is a fuzzy outline or atmosphere due to solar radiation, and sometimes also a tail.
When asked about flying saucers, the astronomer replied, “No comet.”
Asteroids are small solar system bodies that orbit the Sun. Made of rock and metal, they can also contain organic compounds. Asteroids are similar to comets but do not have a visible coma (fuzzy outline and tail) like comets do.
Telescope: A device for bringing the sky closer.
A meteoroid is a small rock or particle of debris in our solar system. They range in size from dust to around 10 meters in diameter. Larger objects are usually referred to as asteroids.
Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
No - it’s just a satellite!
So-called ‘shooting stars’ and ‘falling stars’ are not actually stars, but are meteors. A meteoroid that burns up as it passes through the Earth’s atmosphere is known as a meteor. A meteoroid that survives falling through the Earth’s atmosphere and colliding with the Earth’s surface is known as a meteorite.
The odds of anyone being struck by a meteorite are said to be ‘astronomical.’
When You Wish Upon a Star
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.
If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment
of their secret longing.
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.
If your heart is in your dreams
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.
When you wish upon a star
Your dream comes true.
Stars have played a very important role throughout human history. They have formed a part of religious practices, been grouped into constellations, used in astrological star signs, helped to design calendars, and were very important navigational tools for early explorations across lands and seas.
If you would like to keep up-to-date on the goings on in a whole Universe of stars, click on the link www.stardate.org.
“There wouldn’t be a sky full of stars if we were all meant to wish on the same one.” -Frances Clark (Frances Mary Clark (1860 - 1958))
At ‘MFOL!’ we think stars are, like, so stellar . . . and far out, too! Yeah, we know, we’re kinda weird sometimes . . . now go have fun with your life!
Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech. Be sure to give those muscles a real workout today, huh?
Did you know that it is physically impossible for you to lick your own elbows? Go ahead and try it - just do not injure yourself!
Curious Young Gal
There was a young gal who said, “Why
Can’t I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it,
I’m sure I can do it;
You never can tell till you try.”
There are ten human body parts that are only three letters long: eye, hip, arm, leg, ear, toe, jaw, rib, lip, and gum.
In addition to the better-known senses of hearing, sight, touch, smell, and taste, humans have at least fifteen other senses. These include balance, temperature, pain, and time, as well as internal senses for suffocation, thirst, and fullness. Some humans have also been found to have a sense of humor.
Humans are bioluminescent, meaning we glow in the dark, but the light we emit is 1,000 times weaker than our human eyes are able to detect.
Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different. Now stick out your tongue and say, “Aaaaaaaaahhh!”
Gladys: What kind of advice do you get from hands?
Douglas: Finger tips.
About eight percent of people have an extra rib, which is not really all that interesting . . . unless you happen to be a cannibal.
Hair is made of the same substance as fingernails, but you cannot make that fun sound that drives everyone bonkers by running your hair over a chalkboard; only your fingernails can do that.
The average person has 10,000 taste buds. Not all taste buds are on the tongue; about ten percent are on the insides of the cheeks. So, what does your tongue taste like?
Sit down and lift your right foot off the floor, and make clockwise circles. While doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will automatically change direction, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from doing so. Someone - and by someone we mean you - just kidding! - should investigate this phenomena to find out if it is in any way related to the rise in incidents of people hitting their accelerator pedals when they mean to hit their brake pedals, while driving a vehicle.
Nellie: What did one toe say to the other?
Stella: “Don’t look now, but I think we’re being followed by a heel.”
The normal human body temperature is about 37 degrees Celsius (about 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit). However, it is not uncommon for the temperature of some persons to be just slightly higher than this by as much as a degree due to their increased metabolism - particularly teenagers and young adults. As always, if you are concerned, seek a doctor’s opinion.
Becca: What has one foot on each end and a foot in the middle?
Becky: A yardstick.
The average human body contains enough iron to make a 3-inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.
I’d rather have fingers than toes,
I’d rather have eyes than a nose;
And as for my hair
I’m glad it’s all there,
I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.
Fingerprints serve another useful function besides helping law enforcement officers catch criminals: the tiny ridges provide traction for the fingers to grasp objects. Fingers are among the many ‘tools’ integrated into our bodies, making humans the ultimate Swiss Army knife of the animal kingdom.
Shin: A specialized anatomical feature of the human body designed for finding furniture in the dark.
There was a young lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
The human face has 43 muscles that create 10,000 expressions. It would take a lifetime for a person to try them all out.
Your Nose Is Running
“Your nose is running,” Mother said.
I answered, “Wow! That’s really neat!”
“Why’s that?” she asked. I said, “Because
I never knew my nose had feet.”
The Operation Game features an Adam’s apple, broken heart, wrenched ankle, butterflies in the stomach, spareribs, water on the knee, funny bone, writer’s cramp, Charley horse, anklebone connected to the knee bone, wishbone, breadbasket, and brain freeze. Players in the Operation Game attempt to remove each of these ailments from the patient, who is named Cavity Sam. The regular-size game can be purchased from www.Hasbro.com. Be sure to tell them you saw them mentioned on www.MakeFunOfLife.net.
“Not everyone can wiggle their ears, you know. It’s something you’re born with.” -Kevin Henkes: “Sun and Spoon” (1997)
Why can humans move their eyes in opposite directions toward their noses, but not in opposite directions away from the noses?
Our bodies burn a large amount of calories just to keep us at a steady 37 degrees Celsius (98.6 degrees Fahrenheit). The human body gives off enough heat in thirty minutes to bring two liters (a little more than two quarts, or half a gallon) of water to a boil. If you could capture and use the heat, you could cook a pasta dinner with it. First, though, you will need some kind of mad scientist laboratory . . .
“The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.” -Thomas Edison (Thomas Alva Edison (1847 - 1931))
The nose is that part of the body that shines, snubs, snoops, and sneezes.
“If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.” -Lyall Watson
Riddle: What can you hold in your right hand that you cannot hold in your left hand?
Solution: Your left elbow.
Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.
Kerry: What should you do if your ear rings?
Karen: Answer it.
Lizzie: How do you keep your ear from ringing continuously?
Beth: Get an unlisted head.
Humans are said to have fifty percent of their DNA (Deoxyribonucleic Acid) in common with bananas. Perhaps we should get to better know the elongated yellow fruit with which we have so much in common?
If the human brain were a computer, it would perform 38 thousand-trillion operations per second. The world’s most powerful supercomputer, Blue Gene, can manage only 0.002 percent of that amount.
Sharon: How do you keep your feet from falling asleep?
Sherry: Wear loud socks.
A typical adult human is made up of more than 37,200,000,000,000 (37.2 trillion) living cells made up of 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (7 octillion) atoms. For perspective, there are a mere 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) stars in our Milky Way Galaxy. Every year, about 98 percent of the atoms in human bodies are replaced by new ones. Now you finally know what is meant by the phrase ‘a whole new you.’
Riddle: What has fingers and thumbs but no hands?
Solution: A glove.
The human body has more than 600 muscles, which make up 40 percent of the body’s weight. Our muscles are actually much more powerful than they usually seem to be. Human strength is limited to prevent our tendons and muscles from tearing themselves apart; however, this limitation can be overcome in an adrenaline rush, during which there are recorded instances of people lifting heavy boulders and even automobiles off people and animals that have been trapped under them.
Joseph: Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Joe: Because it is the ‘scenter.’
At any given time, your brain can generate up to 25 watts of power - enough energy to make a light bulb come on. You are indeed more powerful than you might have known.
Veronica: What has a head but no brain?
Vera: A cabbage.
Human blood has roughly the same concentration of salt as seawater has.
A condition called ‘synesthesia’ can cause the senses to overlap, so that affected people may taste words or hear colors.
Riddle: What can clap without using hands?
People with hexadectylism have six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet. This might give them an advantage over the rest of us when it comes to typing and texting, and perhaps other activities involving manual dexterity as well.
A sharp nose indicates curiosity, and a flat nose indicates . . . too much curiosity!
Lionel: What has four legs and one arm?
Lynette: A happy guard dog!
The human liver has more than 500 functions. Getting you to the airport to catch your next flight and washing the dog are not among them.
Norman Norton’s Nostrils
Oh, Norman Norton’s nostrils
Are powerful and strong;
Hold on to your belongings
If he should come along.
And do not ever let him
Inhale with all his might,
Or else your pens and pencils
Will disappear from sight.
Right up his nose they’ll vanish;
Your future will be black.
Unless he gets the sneezes,
You’ll never get them back!
The bump at the front of the throat is called the Adam’s Apple, which is said to be from the forbidden fruit getting stuck in Adam’s throat as he ate it in the Garden of Eden.
Riddle: What has a head and mouth, but no eyes, nose, or ears?
Solution: A river.
The human brain is 70 percent cholesterol . . . and the experts are telling you to cut back on cholesterol - do you see a potential problem with their advice? That’s right, they seem to want you to have a smaller brain!
A Boastful Young Person
“I can pick up a cent with my toes,”
Said a boastful young person named Mose,
But sharp-witted Millie
Replied, “That’s just silly -
I can do the same thing with my nose.”
The human body is divided into three parts: the Brainium, the Borax, and the Abominable Cavity. The Brainium contains the Brain. The Borax contains the Lungs, the Heart, the Liver, and the Living Things. The Abominable Cavity contains the Bowels, of which there are five: A, E, I, O, and U.
If your DNA (Deoxyribonucleic Acid) were stretched out, it could reach to the Earth’s Moon 6,000 times - but would you really want to visit the Moon that often?
Fingertip to fingertip, the width of your armspan stretched out equals the length of your whole body from head to foot, which means you come pretty close to meeting the definition of a ‘square.’
Jenny: What has two legs, two arms, and two heads?
Jennifer: A two-headed monster.
The elements oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen make up 90 percent of the human body. The remaining 10 percent is made up of hamsters running on hamster wheels that make the body able to do things like stand up and walk around.
The next time your anatomy teacher says, “Are there any questions?” raise your hand and ask, “Can a person laugh on the inside and on the outside at the same time?” More ‘MFOL!’ follows just below . . .
“Without ice cream there would be darkness and chaos.” -Don Kardong
Brenda: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
Bernard: “I’m sweet on you!”
Bert: Would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: “Sherbert!” (“Sure, Bert!”)
Sherbert is a common corruption of the word sherbet, a frozen dessert made of fruit syrup, milk, and the white of an egg, whisked until smooth and opaque, and then frozen.
Sorbets are generally thought of as being fruit based, but can be made with other ingredients. Sorbets belong in the category of what are called ‘ices,’ and are sometimes referred to as granitas or Italian ices. Sorbets made without dairy products are preferred by some people, but always check the ingredients list on the package or ask the food server to find out what the sorbet contains.
“My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” -Thornton Wilder (Thornton Niven ‘Thornton’ Wilder (1897 - 1975))
The ice cream soda was invented in 1874 by Robert Green. He was serving a mixture of syrup, sweet cream, and carbonated water at a celebration in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America. He ran out of sweet cream and in its place used ice cream.
Laws forbidding the sale of sodas on Sundays prompted William Garwood of Evanston, Illinois, United States of America, to invent the ice cream sundae in 1875.
The ice cream cone was introduced in 1904.
Tip: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a rolled waffle cone or sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
August 6th of each year is National Root Beer Float Day.
Kenny: We’re having root beer floats - would you like one?
Lenny: Root beer floats?!
Kenny: No, it just kind of sits there in the mug - but it’s still pretty good!
To see our easy “Root Beer Float Recipe,” please visit the ‘Activities’ page by clicking on the link here: www.MakeFunOfLife.net/activities.
Greg: How do you make an elephant float?
Judy: You take some soda water, add two scoops of ice cream, and then one elephant.
Timmy: Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet?
Would you like to see the name of your company or product in this space, along with a picture, website link, and other information? If you offer ice cream, frozen treats, ingredients, equipment, tableware, utensils, accessories, packaging, or you have a wholesale business, a restaurant, a franchise, or a retail store, we can remove this paragraph and the sample image above, and in their place show an advertisement for what you are selling. Our low, low prices will floor you - but wait, there’s more: we can also make changes to this ‘Ice Cream and Frozen Treats’ topic to suit your needs if you like. Please contact us at www.MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Overheard: You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that’s kind of the same thing.
Is there a ‘plain ice cream’ that has no flavors, sweeteners, or colors added to it, just as there is ‘plain yogurt’? Not vanilla ice cream, just plain ice cream? Wow, like, somebody could totally invent that! Howza ’bout you there?
‘À la mode’ is a French phrase meaning ‘fashionable’ or ‘up to date.’ In the world of dessert foods, it refers to a dish served with ice cream on the side or on the top of the food, as for example, a slice of pie with ice cream, called ‘pie à la mode.’ We’ll have ‘pie à la mode’ . . . because we’re trying to keep up with the latest in food fashions!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Why can’t a fish stick be a frozen treat - just insert a chopstick in it! Wait, would that be redundant . . . a frozen fish stick on a stick . . . and then make it sticky with tartar sauce . . . a sticky frozen fish stick on a stick . . . this is why they won’t let us anywhere near places where food is being made - or let us engage in conversations with grownups!
Frank Epperson of California, United States of America, invented the Popsicle in 1905 when he was 11 years old.
The next time you go to a grocery store, look to see if ice cream is spelled as one word or two words on packages. You could be that person who leads the cause to change the world by spelling ‘ice cream’ as ‘icecream.’ After all, there is no country called ‘Ice Land,’ is there? Nope, instead it is ‘Iceland’!
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . we are diagonally parked somewhere in a parallel universe . . . and we are dripping melted ice cream all over the vehicle interior . . . it’s a good thing we brought the dogs along with us this time!
Behold the human creature, at once both simpleton and sage . . .
“Tis sometimes the height of wisdom to feign stupidity.” -Cato the Elder (Marcus Porcius Cato (233 B.C.E. - 148 B.C.E.))
“Wise men profit more from fools than fools from wise men; for the wise men shun the mistakes of fools, but fools do not imitate the successes of the wise.” -Cato the Elder (Marcus Porcius Cato (233 B.C.E. - 148 B.C.E.)): as quoted in Plutarch’s “Parallel Lives”
“A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)
“It is impossible to make people understand their ignorance, for it requires knowledge to perceive it; and, therefore, he that can perceive it hath it not.” -Jeremy Taylor (1613 - 1667): as quoted in Tryon Edwards: “A Dictionary of Thoughts” (1908), page 244
As a rule, man is a fool.
When it’s hot, he wants it cool;
When it’s cool, he wants it hot.
Always wanting, what is not.
-Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
“Nearly four decades ago psychologist Stanley Milgram had a volunteer stand stock still on a busy New York sidewalk and look up at the sky. About one in every 25 passersby stopped to look up, too. When five volunteers were recruited to sky-gaze, nearly one in five passersby stopped to look up. When Milgram and his colleagues assembled a group of 18 volunteers to simultaneously look up at nothing in particular, nearly one in two passersby looked up to see what was going on, snarling traffic within moments.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “Washington Post” (December 2007) newspaper
“He must be a fool indeed who cannot at times play the fool; and he who does not enjoy nonsense must be lacking in sense.” -William J. Rolfe
“By associating with wise people you will become wise yourself.” -Menander of Athens
“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” -Douglas Adams
“It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.” -Author Unknown
“I never desired to please the rabble. What pleased them, I did not learn; and what I knew was far removed from their understanding.” -Epicurus (341 B.C.E. - 270 B.C.E.)
“The wise man is but a clever infant, spelling letters from a hieroglyphical prophetic book, the lexicon of which lies in eternity.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
Simpletons and Sages Facts
- A simpleton is a fool.
- A sage is a wise or learned person.
- Every human is part simpleton and part sage.
“A wise person does at once, what a fool does at last.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658)
“Nothing is more terrible than to see ignorance in action.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “Proverbs in Prose” (1819) (1749 - 1832)
“The greater idiot ever scolds the lesser.” -Herman Melville (1819 - 1891): “Moby Dick” (1851)
“I am a member of the rabble in good standing.” -Westbrook Pegler
“A moment’s thought would have shown him. But a moment is a long time, and thought is a painful process.” -J. E. Houseman
“You can lead a fool to wisdom but you cannot make him think.” -Author Unknown
“Who lives without folly is not so wise as he thinks.” -François de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680): “Reflections; or, Sentences and Moral Maxims” (1678), Maxim 209
Overheard: I am always stupid at the wrong times . . . why can’t I be stupid at the right times?
“Ignorance is bold, and knowledge reserved.” -Thucydides (about 460 B.C.E. - about 395 B.C.E.): as quoted in James Wood, editor: “Dictionary of Quotations from Ancient and Modern, English and Foreign Sources” (1899), page 178
Dummy’s Guide to Life
Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner’s manual? If you answered, “Yes,” to any of these questions, you have come to the right place. Following you will find, free of charge, a short ‘guide to life.’ In here, you will find most of the information you need to live life day by day without injuring yourself. Read carefully, and carry out each instruction exactly.
- Do not eat rocks.
- Do not take naps in the road.
- Do not throw a brick straight up.
- Do not breathe car exhaust.
- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
- Do not stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
- If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you are traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
- If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, do not do it with your head.
- Do not make funny faces at angry bulls.
- Do not stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
- The warning ‘Do not try this at home’ really means ‘Do not try this at all.’
- Do not iron clothes while wearing them.
- Do not sled down hills with roads at the bottom.
- Do not lick ice.
- Do not pour salt in your eyes.
- Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Do not make any more.
- Do not chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
- Do not chew on aluminum foil.
- Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
- Contrary to popular opinion, you are not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
- If you want to chew gum, buy some. Do not use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it is free.
- Do not kick stone walls.
- Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, do not jump out of a window - use the stairs.
- When using an acetylene torch, do not feel the flame to see if it is sufficiently hot.
- Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
- Wear clothes.
- Use a potholder when removing items from the oven.
- No matter how tempting it is to be one of the animals, stay on the outside of all fences and cages and other enclosures at the zoo.
- When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat ends.
“Ignorance is not a simple lack of knowledge but an active aversion to knowledge, the refusal to know, issuing from cowardice, pride, or laziness of mind.” -Karl Popper (1902 - 1994): as paraphrased by Ryszard Kapuscinski in ‘The Philosopher as Giant-Slayer’ in the “New York Times Magazine” (1 January 1995)
Overheard: We have smart phones, smart watches, smart bombs . . . now all we need are smart people!
“He who thinks himself wise, O heavens! is a great fool.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778)): “Le Droit du Seigneur” (1763), part IV, line i
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” -Euripides (484 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
“We all know a fool when we see one - but not when we are one.” -Arnold H. Glasow
“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.” -Sidonie Gabrielle Colette (1873 - 1954)
“It is peculiarly a fool’s habit to discern the faults of others, and to forget his own.” -Cicero (Marcus Tullius Cicero, also known as Tully (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
“If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.” -Anatole France (pseudonym of Jacques Anatole François Thibault (1844 - 1924))
Overheard: We are all fools, whether we know it or not.
“A fool must now and then be right, by chance.” -William Cowper (1731 - 1800)
Two sillies were walking down the street. The first one noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.” The second one said, “Let me look!” So the first one handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, “You silly, it’s me!”
“The fool wonders, the wise man asks.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
An old proverb is, “A fool and his money are soon parted,” but one sometimes wonders, how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
“He that walketh with wise men shall be wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 13, verse 20
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “As You Like It” (about 1599) play
Joyce: Why can’t you tell knock-knock jokes to a simpleton?
Joy: Because they go to answer the door.
“We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.” -Author Unknown
“I have always observed that to succeed in the world one should seem a fool, but be wise.” -Charles-Louis de Secondat (Baron de La Brède et de Montesquieu, also known simply as Montesquieu (1689 - 1755))
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” -Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744): “An Essay on Criticism,” (1711), line 625
“Everybody plays the fool.” -Author Unknown: words from a love song
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
He trudged along unknowing what he sought,
And whistled as he went, for want of thought.
-John Dryden (1631 - 1700): “Cymon and Iphigenia” (1700)
Ted: Why couldn’t the simpleton call the police?
Theo: He found the ‘9’ button on the telephone, but couldn’t find the ‘11’ button.
“Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.” [English translation]
“Taciturnitas stulto homini pro sapientia est.” [original Latin]
-Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.): “Sententiae,” Maxim 914
“A wise man rules his passions, a fool obeys them.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.): as quoted in D. Lyman (Darius Lyman): “The Moral Sayings of Publius Syrus, a Roman Slave: from the Latin” (1856), Maxim 49
“I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.” -Alan Coren
Simple Simon met a pieman,
going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
“Let me taste your ware.”
Said the pieman to Simple Simon,
“Show me first your penny,”
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
“Indeed, I have not any.”
Simple Simon went a-fishing
For to catch a whale;
All the water he could find
Was in his mother’s pail!
Simple Simon went to look
If plums grew on a thistle;
He pricked his fingers very much,
Which made poor Simon whistle.
He went to catch a dicky bird,
And thought he could not fail,
Because he had a little salt,
To put upon its tail.
He went for water with a sieve,
But soon it ran all through;
And now poor Simple Simon
Bids you all adieu.
“One fool makes many.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745): “Polite Conversation” (1783) book
“It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.” -Aeschylus (525 B.C.E. - 456 B.C.E.)
“His ignorance is encyclopedic.” -S. J. Lec (Stanislaw Jerzy Lec (1909 - 1966)): “Unkempt Thoughts” (1962)
“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.” -S. J. Lec (Stanislaw Jerzy Lec (1909 - 1966))
“Do not seek after the sages of the past. Seek what they sought.” -Basho
“Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is poverty. Ignorance is devastation. Ignorance is tragedy. Ignorance is illness. It all stems from ignorance.” -Author Unknown
“No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.” -Charles Proteus Steinmetz (1865 - 1923)
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“The majority is never right. Never, I tell you! That’s one of these lies in society that no free and intelligent man can help rebelling against. Who are the people that make up the biggest proportion of the population - the intelligent ones or the fools? I think we can agree it’s the fools, no matter where you go in this world, it’s the fools that form the overwhelming majority.” -Henrik Ibsen (Henrik Johan ‘Henrik’ Ibsen (1828 - 1906))
“Today is the wise man’s day, tomorrow is the fool’s day. The wise man is the one who, when he sees what ought to be done, does it today. The foolish man, when he sees what ought to be done, says, ‘I will do it tomorrow.’” -Author Unknown
“A word to a wise person is sufficient.” [English translation]
“Verbum sapienti sat est.” [original Latin]
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ’tis nonsense.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): “Poor Richard Improved” (1748)
Simpletons and Sages Quiz
- What is a simpleton?
- What is a sage?
- Can a person be both a simpleton and a sage?
“If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise.” -William Blake (1757 - 1827): “Proverbs of Hell” (1793)
Simpletons and Sages Quiz Answers
- A simpleton is a fool.
- A sage is a wise or learned person.
- Every human is both a simpleton and a sage.
“Fools look to tomorrow; wise men use tonight.” -Author Unknown: Scottish proverb
“Dare to be wise!” [English translation]
“Sapere aude!” [original Latin]
-Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.))
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . the website for ‘Simpletons and Sages’ alike . . .
Given the state of the world today, just about every neighborhood needs a Self-Esteem Shop. Website: www.SelfEsteemShop.com.
I’m Not Good Enough
I don’t speak well enough.
I’m not attractive enough.
I don’t dress well enough.
I’m not confident enough.
I’m not educated enough.
I’m not talented enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not good enough.
“You are as good as any.” -Author Unknown
“Real people aren’t perfect. Perfect people aren’t real.” -Author Unknown
“Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.” -Max L. Forman (Max Leon Forman (1909 - 1990))
“Every achiever I have ever met says, ‘My life turned around when I began to believe in me.’” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. All that matters is what you think of you.” -Author Unknown
“Believe in yourself and you can do unbelievable things.” -Author Unknown
“Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt as though you’d rather hide in bed all day than face the people that make you feel small or powerless” -Diana Agron (Dianna Elise Agron (born 1986))
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” -Kurt Cobain (Kurt Donald Cobain (1967 - 1994))
“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“You are wonderful. Valuable. Worthwhile. Lovable. Not because others think so. Self-worth comes from only one place: self.” -Karen Salmansohn
“Have patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. You are perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that.” -Francis de Sales (1567 - 1622)
“There isn’t a ruler, a yard stick, or a measuring tape in the entire world long enough to compute the strength and capabilities inside you.” -Paul J. Meyer (Paul James Meyer (1928 - 2009))
“Every human being is trying to say something to others. Trying to cry out, ‘I am alive, notice me! Speak to me! Listen to me! Confirm for me that I am important. That I matter!’” -Marion D. Hanks
Overhead: I compare myself to every person I ever see . . . and I lose every time.
“Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.” -Author Unknown
“The only person you should ever compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle!” -Author Unknown
“To establish true self-esteem we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.” -Denis Waitley (Denis E. Waitley (born 1933))
“There might be things about yourself that you do not like . . . until one day you notice those same things in someone else who seems to be doing well enough in life. So go ahead and take a closer look at other people. You will see something of yourself in some of them and you will come to know an important truth, which is that you are a good enough person just as you are.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (born 1933): title of book (1978)
“Listen to your heart above all other voices.” -Marta Kagan
“Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.” -Robert J. Collier (Robert Joseph Collier (1876 - 1918))
One way to improve your self-esteem is to tell clean funny jokes to people . . . no kidding, it really works! Practice until you can tell the jokes without making mistakes, even if you stutter or forget how the jokes go at first. And, on the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website, there are zillions of jokes and other funny stuff for you to tell to other people - but you cannot just post them on social media websites - you have to tell jokes to real people, face to face.
“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” -Ann Landers (pseudonym of Esther Pauline ‘Eppie’ Lederer (1918 - 2002))
“You’ve no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself - and how little I deserve it.” -W. S. Gilbert (William Schwenck Gilbert (1836 - 1911)): “Ruddigore” (1887), act I
Atelophobia (a-tel-o-pho-bia) is a persistent fear of never being good enough or a fear of an insurmountable personal imperfection. Often this fear can be rooted in the experience and upbringing we have had by others, such as families, neighborhoods, schools, relationships, friendships, and initial work experience. We may have to counter this effect by doing our own upbringing of ourselves and not allow other people to be the sole source of our own upbringing. We must raise ourselves.
“The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))
“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.” -Peter T. McIntyre
Overheard: You can now worry less about what kind of person you are, because somewhere out there is a dog who thinks you are wonderful!
“Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller . . . prettier, luckier, and have connections . . .” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.” -Neil Simon (born 1927)
“Love not what you are, but what you may become.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))
“Dear Lord, when feelings of insecurity and self-doubt creep into my heart, help me to see myself the way you do.” -Author Unknown
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” -e. e. cummings (Edward Estlin Cummings (1894 - 1962))
“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.” -William Jennings Bryan (1860 - 1925)
“If you believe in yourself, things are possible.” -Shannon MacMillan
Overheard: I am really good at stuff until I find myself in a situation in which people are watching me do that stuff.
“Confident people are able to laugh at themselves.” -Author Unknown
“The foundation of lasting self-confidence and self-esteem is excellence, mastery of your work.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Millions of people would love to be you.” -Author Unknown
“Have confidence that if you have done a little thing well, you can do a bigger thing well, too.” -David Storey
Overheard: I spent a fortune on deodorant and mouthwash before I realized that people did not like me anyway.
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“I am going to make it.” -You
“Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don’t let anyone take it away from you ever.” -Holly Marie Combs
“Avoid negative people, for they are the greatest destroyers of self-confidence and self-esteem. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.” -Author Unknown
“Why should we worry about what others think of us - do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?” -Brigham Young (1801 - 1877)
“I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect!” -Author Unknown
“Having a low opinion of yourself is not ‘modesty.’ It’s self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not ‘egotism.’ It’s a necessary precondition to happiness and success.” -Bobbe Sommer
“Those with a high level of confidence may have as many or more weaknesses than those with low self-esteem. The difference is this: instead of dwelling on their handicaps, they compensate for them by dwelling on their strengths.” -Alan Loy McGinnis (1933 - 2005)
“Our self-image, strongly held, essentially determines what we become.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
“One of the great tragedies of life, it seems to me, is when a person classifies himself as someone who has no talents and gifts. When, in disgust or discouragement, we allow ourselves to reach depressive levels of despair because of our demeaning self-appraisal, it is a sad day for us and a sad day in the eyes of God. For us to conclude that we have no gifts when we judge ourselves by stature, intelligence, grade-point average, wealth, power, position, or external appearance is not only unfair but unreasonable.” -Marvin J. Ashton: ‘There are Many Gifts,’ in “Ensign” (November 1987) magazine, page 20
“What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Younger or simply Seneca (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
“Don’t define yourself by negatives.” -Author Unknown
“Put your future in good hands - your own.” -Author Unknown
“What you think of me is unimportant. What I think of myself is what matters.” -Robert T. Kiyosaki (Robert Toru Kiyosaki (born 1947))
“The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.” -Author Unknown
“I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.” -Jay Leno (James Douglas Muir ‘Jay’ Leno (born 1950))
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha (Siddhārtha Guatama, also known as Shakyamuni Buddha (about 563 B.C.E. - 483 B.C.E.))
“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968))
Ofttimes nothing profits more
Than self-esteem, grounded on just and right
-John Milton (1608 - 1674): “Paradise Lost” (1667; 1674), Book VIII, line 571
Also known, though possibly paraphrased, in the form:
“Nothing profits more than self-esteem, grounded on what is just and right.” -John Milton (1608 - 1674)
“You can’t let other people tell you who you are. You have to decide that for yourself.” -Author Unknown
“Confidence comes from being prepared.” -John Wooden (1910 - 2010)
“If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor.” -Nicolas Chamfort (also known as Nicolas-Sébastien Roch (1741 - 1794))
“I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster 'Bucky' Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable.” -Wendy Wasserstein
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))
“There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.” -Nathaniel Branden
Overheard: I am going to be more assertive . . . if that’s okay with you.
“Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks on great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero (also known as Tully or simply Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
“You are officially the world’s okayest person.” -Author Unknown
“All things splendid have been achieved by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance.” -Bruce Barton (Bruce Fairchild Barton (1886 - 1967))
“High above the noise and fear mongering of critics and cynics softly speaks your true self.” -Mollie Marti
“To have an incredible increase in self-esteem, all you have to do is start doing some little something. You don’t have to do spectacularly dramatic things for self-esteem to start going off the scale. Just make a commitment to any easy discipline. Then another one and another one.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” -Michael Jordan (born 1963)
“The self-esteem to which I refer is something different. It is not blind, arrogant, vain love of self, but is self-respecting, unconceited, honest esteem of ourselves. It is born of inner peace and strength.” -James E. Faust: “Reach Up for the Light” (1 January 1990), page 31
“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Measure for Measure” (1604)
“There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them.” -Charles D. Gill
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . there is definitely something a little ‘funny’ about this website . . .
[A kiss is] “A peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to lie for it, and the old man has to buy it. The baby’s right, the lover’s privilege, and the hypocrite’s mask. To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; and to an old maid, charity.” -Linus Price ‘Skipper’ Hayes (1906 - 1962): “V. P. I. Skipper” (about 1930)
Keith me, thweetheart!
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl said, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
“A passionate kiss burns the calories in one potato chip.” -Francis Sheridan Goulart (1989)
A one-minute kiss burns twenty-six calories.
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
“A little kiss can make a big difference.” -Author Unknown
“Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamed he was kissing his shoe.
He woke in the night
In a terrible fright,
And found that it was perfectly true!
“You would think that, if our lips were made of horn, and stuck out a foot or two from our faces, kisses at any rate would be done for. Not so. No creatures kiss each other so much as birds.” -Thomas Buxton (Thomas Fowell Buxton (1786 - 1845))
Philemaphobia, also called philematophobia, is a persistent fear of kissing. Kissing is how you get germs - it’s horribly disgusting - and so gross!
Jenny Kissed Me
Jenny kiss’d me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in;
Time, you thief, who loves to get
Sweets into your list, put that in!
Say I’m weary, say I’m sad,
Say that health and wealth have missed me,
Say I’m growing old, but add
Jenny kiss’d me.
-Leigh Hunt (James Henry Leigh Hunt (1784 - 1859)): as published in the “Monthly Chronicle” (November 1838)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . putting a little bubbly optimism into your day . . .
Andrew: Why could the dinosaur not cross the road?
Andy: Because there were no roads back then.
Chance: How can you tell a dinosaur from spaghetti?
Chaucer: A dinosaur will not slip off your fork.
The word ‘dinosaur’ was coined in 1842 by biologist Richard Owen, who combined the Greek words ‘deinos’ meaning ‘terrible’ and ‘sauros’ meaning ‘lizard.’ Mr. Owen meant ‘terrible lizard’ in reference to the size of the creatures, rather than to any fearsomeness. While dinosaurs are not lizards, both dinosaurs and lizards are members of the group of animals known as reptiles. So, dinosaurs are reptiles. ‘Dinosaur’ can also be used to refer to a person or institution that has not adapted to change, as for example, “Government is a lumbering slumbering bumbling bungling dinosaur when it comes to adopting efficient new methods and recent technologies.”
Millie: What do you get if you give a dinosaur a pogo stick to play with?
Millicent: Big holes all over your driveway.
Grant: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Hugh: Have you put an ad in the newspaper?
Grant: What good would that do - she can’t read!
Dinosaurs lived so long ago
they never had a chance to know
how many kids would love to get
a dinosaur to be their pet!
Rusty: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
Russell: A stegosaurus on roller-skates.
Winston: Why are tall dinosaurs good at forecasting the weather?
Winifred: Because they are the first to know when it rains.
Some dinosaurs may have had colorful skin, but scientists do not know for sure. It is likely that most dinosaurs had green and brown scales to help them hide among trees and plants. Some dinosaurs had feathers, but were flightless.
Chuck: Why could the long-necked dinosaur not see where it was going?
Charles: Because it had its head in the clouds.
Teri: When does a big fearsome dinosaur look like a cute little clown?
Theresa: When it wears a cute little clown suit.
- An adult male dinosaur is called a bull.
- An adult female dinosaur is called a cow.
- Young dinosaurs are called juveniles.
- A group of plant-eating dinosaurs is called a herd.
- A group of meat-eating dinosaurs is called a pack.
- Dinosaurs lived on all of the continents, including Antarctica.
- Dinosaurs lived to be about 75 to 300 years of age.
- Scientists who study dinosaurs and other animals, as well as plants, through fossils, are called paleontologists.
Buster: What do you call a dinosaur hitchhiker?
Mack: A ten-and-a-half-ton pickup.
Buddy: How do you run over a dinosaur?
Holly: Climb up its foreleg, dash along its back, and slide down its tail.
Some dinosaurs had tails that were more than 45 feet long. Long tails helped them to keep their balance while running.
Ellen: What do you have when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Allen: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Tammy: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?
Sammy: Say, “Tea, Rex?”
Dinosaurs often swallowed large rocks. These rocks stayed in their stomachs and helped them grind up food.
Molly: How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
Polly: With Tyrannosaurus checks.
Trudy: Do you know what the difference is between a piece of candy and a dinosaur bone?
Trudy: Good, then enjoy this dinosaur bone.
When some humans first found dinosaur bones, they guessed that the bones must be from dragons or giants, which is how the myths, or fanciful stories, associated with these two types of imaginary creatures began. Additionally, hoaxers and practical jokers would put together the bones from different animals and humans to make fantastical creatures that never existed. So, to create a giant, they would take the very long leg bones from a dinosaur and put them in place of the regular-length leg bones in a human skeleton, and add in some bones from other animals. Next, they would make up a story to go along with it, perhaps about an entire race of giants living in a faraway land across the sea, in some remote mountains, forests, or swamps. Then they would put up a sign offering to allow people to see the ‘giant skeleton’ and regale them with made-up stories about it, for a modest sum of money. The more bones they could dig up from different animals, the better, because they could put them together in all sorts of ways to create all kinds of creatures that do not exist in nature, as for example, flying monkeys and mermaids. However, unlike pretend, mythical, and hoax animals, dinosaurs were once real, living creatures.
Rachael: How long should a dinosaur’s legs be?
Michael: Long enough to reach the ground.
George: What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a skunk?
Martha: The biggest stinker you ever saw.
Just as birds and reptiles do now, dinosaurs laid eggs from which baby dinosaurs hatched. Some dinosaurs built nests for their eggs and even fed and protected their babies when they hatched. The largest dinosaur eggs were as large as basketballs. However, the bigger the egg, the thicker the shell, so that if the eggs had been any larger, dinosaur babies possibly would not have been able to break out of the shells.
Priscilla: What kind of materials do dinosaurs put on the floors of their houses?
Della: Rep tiles.
My Family of Dinosaurs
My sister, finkasaurus,
Is a tattle-telling shrew.
My brother, slobasaurus,
Doesn’t quite know how to chew.
My mother, rushasaurus,
Finds it hard to be on time.
My father, cheapasaurus,
Never spends an extra dime.
Our doggy, barkasaurus,
Keeps the neighbors up at night.
Our kitty, scratchasaurus,
Gouges everything in sight.
And then there’s angelsaurus -
Who, you might have guessed, is me -
The only one who’s perfect
In this crazy family.
Megan: How can you tell if a dinosaur is an herbivore or a carnivore?
Melvin: Lie down on a plate.
Most meat-eating dinosaurs had bones filled with air. Though their bones were huge, they were not as heavy as they looked. Birds have the same kind of hollow bones.
Matthew: What would you get if you crossed a hungry dinosaur and a herd of 100 cattle?
Matilda: A dinosaur that is no longer hungry.
While dinosaurs are often thought of as having been huge beasts, many dinosaurs were smaller than modern humans. Scientists believe that larger dinosaurs, with their larger bones, were more likely to be preserved as fossils, while smaller dinosaurs, with their smaller bones, were more likely to be destroyed through natural processes, such as being washed away by rain, broken up and dissolved into the surrounding soil, or carried away and broken into pieces by animals that like to chew on bones.
Angie: Which dinosaur had the biggest vocabulary?
Angelica: Was it the thesaurus?
Dinosaurs lived during a period of Earth’s history called the Mesozoic Era, meaning ‘middle life’ and also referred to as the ‘Age of the Dinosaurs,’ which stretched from the Triassic period 230 million years ago, through the Jurassic period, and up until the end of the Cretaceous period about 65 million years ago, when a mass extinction occurred. Dinosaurs existed for about 165 million years. By comparison, humans have been around for only 2 million years, and modern humans just 130,000 years.
Bob: How did you break your foot?
Fred: Did you see the Stegosaurus walk past?
Fred: Well . . . I did not!
The largest dinosaurs, such as the Brachiosaurus and Apatosaurus and Triceratops, were herbivores, or animals that eat plants. Plant-eating dinosaurs had eyes looking out to each side of their heads, so they could watch for danger while they ate. To help them fight off carnivores including the Allosaurus and the Spinosaurus and the Tyrannosaurus Rex, many herbivores had natural defenses, such as the spikes on the tail of the Stegosaurus and the three horns attached to the front of the Triceratops’s bony-plate head shield.
Herbivorous dinosaurs tended to have blunt, meaning not sharp, hooves or toenails. Most plant eaters walked on four feet to carry their heavy bodies better. Some plant eaters could balance on their two back feet for a short time, enabling them to reach the tender shoots of the new growth at the tops of tall plants.
Merry: Where do dinosaurs put bandages?
Mary: On their Dino-sores.
Meat-eating, or carnivorous, dinosaurs are known as theropods, which means ‘beast-footed,’ because they had sharp, hooked claws on their toes. Most meat eaters walked on two feet. This made them faster and left their ‘hands’ free to grab their prey.
Chester: Why did carnivorous dinosaurs eat raw meat and herbivorous dinosaurs eat raw plants?
Lester: Because they did not know how to cook.
Leonard: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a lemon?
Lenny: A dino-sour. (If your answer was a sour-saurus, that would also be correct).
Tyrannosaurus Rexes (Kings of the Dinosaurs) lived about sixty-five million years ago in what is now western North America. T-Rexes were the largest carnivores (meat-eaters) in their habitat, often measuring 13 meters (43 feet) in length and 4 meters (13 feet) in height. The biggest Rex tooth found is about 30 centimeters (12 inches) long. Yet Tyrannosaurus Rexes had more than 98 percent of their DNA in common with modern barnyard chickens, so even with their reputation for being fierce predators, they were really just big chickens.
Chet: What do you call one hundred dancing dinosaurs?
Chip: An earthquake?
Plant-eating dinosaurs often lived together for protection, as herding animals today do. The herds ranged from just a few adults and their young to thousands of animals.
Christopher: What is in the middle of a herd of dinosaurs?
Christine: The letter ‘s.’
Cal: What do you get if you tell a joke about a 26-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Big laughs?
Cal: Right! What do you get if you tell a joke about a 78-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Bigger laughs?
Cal: Right! And what do you get if you tell a joke about a 248-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Even bigger laughs?
Cal: Nope! They don’t come in that size.
Tim: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
Mat: Because they would not take baths!
Evidence suggests that a massive meteorite (space rock) hit the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico 65 million years ago. The resulting crater was 180 kilometers (112 miles) wide and was caused by an object 9.7 kilometers (6 miles) in diameter. It would have hit Earth’s crust with immense force, sending shockwaves around the world. Large amounts of debris would have been sent flying up into the atmosphere, which would have blocked out sunlight and significantly changed the Earth’s temperature and air. Earth tremors caused by the impact would have displaced large amount of water, causing widespread flooding. All large land animals that were out in the open would have died, including dinosaurs on land and large sea creatures swimming just beneath the water’s surface. Only small animals that could take shelter in burrows in the ground, caves, rock crevices, and deep underwater, would have lived. Some birds, crocodiles, fishes, insects, lizards, snakes, spiders, and turtles would have survived. They would have been witness to perhaps the most horrific event in Earth’s history.
Victoria: Why was the dinosaur afraid to go back to the library?
Vicky: Her books were sixty million years overdue.
The giant brontosaurus
Was a prehistoric chap
With four fat feet to stand on
And a very skimpy lap.
The scientists assure us
Of a most amazing thing -
A brontosaurus blossomed
When he had a chance to sing!
(The bigger brontosauruses,
Who like to sing in choruses,
Would close their eyes and harmonize
And sing most anything.)
The growled and they yowled,
They deedled and they dummed;
They warbled and they whistled,
They howled and they hummed.
They didn’t eat, they didn’t sleep;
They sang and sang all day.
Now all you’ll find are footprints
Where they tapped the time away!
Harrold: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
Harry: A Try-try-try-ceratops!
Rick: What do you say when you want your dinosaur to move faster?
Richard: “Pronto, saurus!”
Can humans outrun dinosaurs? Humans have a top average speed over short distances of just slightly more than 32 kilometers (20 miles) an hour. The fastest dinosaur, the Ornithomimus, is estimated to have been able to run up to 64 kilometers (40 miles) an hour. However, the big cats called cheetahs are the fasted known animals ever to exist on Earth, capable of accelerating from 0 to 70 kilometers (0 to 43.5 miles) an hour in 3 seconds. If you ever see a human professional athlete, an average dinosaur, and a typical cheetah on a racetrack running a race, both the dinosaur and the cheetah might look back at the human and holler, “Try to keep up, slow-poke!”
Jake: What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks?
Jacob: A dino-bore!
Eric: If three dinosaurs are a crowd, what are four and five?
Despite being long extinct, dinosaurs are frequently featured in entertainment. One example of this is Michael Crichton’s 1990 book “Jurassic Park.” Made into a movie in 1993, the story features cloned dinosaurs brought to life with the help of DNA (genetic material) found in mosquitoes that had been trapped in amber.
Jessie: Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
Patrick: What did the Tyrannosaurus Rex do after lifting weights at the gym?
Patricia: I am sure it rested because it was probably very dino-sore!
Many scientists believe that dinosaurs are extinct, meaning that no living dinosaurs exist today. However, some scientists believe that birds are descended from theropod dinosaurs, and therefore, dinosaurs are not really extinct. As an unknown author said, “Dinosaurs aren’t extinct. They’ve just learned to hide in the trees.” Just maybe . . . birds could be . . . dinosaurs?!
Herman: What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
Sherman: Ten dinosaurs!
Thud, thud, thud, thud . . . do you hear those huge dinosaurs coming this way? They will be expecting us to tell them some dinosaur jokes - do you know any? Email your jokes to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com and we will get them out to the waiting dinosaurs lickety-split!
“You can do with a ‘can do’ attitude!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“You have to believe that the best will happen.” -Lacy Richardson
“Just because you can’t be a shining star is no reason you have to be a dark cloud.” -Author Unknown
“Clear your mind of can’t.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“A great attitude precedes a great performance.” -Author Unknown
A Bad Attitude
A boy who was terribly rude
Found his trouble: a bad attitude.
He pulled thorns from its side,
Smoothed its raw, ruffled hide,
Cut its claws, and his life was renewed.
“Change your attitude and change your life.” -Ann Bench
“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))
“The world always looks better from behind a smile.” -Author Unknown
Formula for Living Successfully
(It is easier than you might think!)
Assign each letter of the alphabet a number.
A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, and so forth all the way to Z = 26.
Next, we formulate equations as follows.
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%.
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.
L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 = 47%.
You will notice that none of the above add up to 100%.
So, what does make 100%?
Is it BEING PERFECT? No!
Is it EDUCATION? No!
Is it FATE? No!
Is it GENETICS? No!
Is it MONEY? No!
Is it OTHER PEOPLE? No!
Our ‘ATTITUDE’ in life is what makes for success, as in A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.
To refresh, ‘Attitude matters 100% in life.’ Now wasn’t that fun?
Every problem or condition has a solution, only if we are willing to change our ‘ATTITUDE.’
“The most significant change in a person’s life is a change of attitude. Right attitudes produce right actions.” -William J. Johnson
“Stay flexible - flexible people don’t get bent out of shape.” -Author Unknown
“A bad attitude is like a flat tire; you can’t go anywhere without changing it.” -Author Unknown
“Your attitude is contagious - is yours worth catching?” -Author Unknown
“In one minute you can change your attitude and in that minute you can change your entire day.” -Spencer Johnson
“A propensity to hope and joy is real riches; one to fear and sorrow, real poverty.” -David Hume (1711 - 1776): “Essays Moral, Political, and Literary” (1875), volume 1, ‘The Sceptic’ (about 1750) essay
“We tend to live up to our expectations.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“A Great Attitude becomes a great day which becomes a great month which becomes a great year which becomes a great life.” -Mandy Hale
“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” -Author Unknown
“Your attitude is an outward expression of an inward feeling.” -Author Unknown
“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)): “Faust” (1808)
“Ask yourself a question - is my attitude worth catching?” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“Refuse to criticize, condemn, or complain. Instead, think and talk only about the things you really want.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Be someone who finds something good in each day - then shares it with others.” -Author Unknown
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” -Albert Einstein
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.” -Author Unknown
“Train your mind to see something good in everything.” -Author Unknown
Two men look out through the same bars:
One sees the mud, and one the stars.
-Fredrick Langbridge (1849 - 1923)
“Positive attitudes create a chain reaction of positive thoughts.” -Author Unknown
“The predominant thought or the mental attitude is the magnet, and the law is that like attracts like. Consequently, the mental attitude will invariably attract such conditions as to correspond to its nature.” -Charles Haanel
“Surely the world we live in is but the world that lives in us.” -Daisy Bates
“A bad attitude is merely a reflection of how you feel about yourself.” -David Roppo
“Declarations are powerful. If you declare that you are going to be an optimistic, upbeat person at all times, an interesting phenomenon takes place. When people expect you to be positive, you don’t want to let them down. You live your intentions every day - every minute.” -Neil Eskelin
“What is important to you is not so much the circumstances of your life as your attitude toward them.” -Ernest C. Wilson
“The world is a looking-glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly, kind companion.” -William Makepeace Thackeray
“If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges.” -Pat Riley
“There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.” -Terence (Publius Terentius Afer (185 B.C.E. - 159 B.C.E.))
“Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” -Viktor Frankl (Viktor E. Frankl (1905 - 1997)
“Every year of my life I grow more convinced that it is wisest and best to fix our attention on the beautiful and the good, and dwell as little as possible on the evil and the false.” -Richard Cecil
“Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first time or the last time. Then your time on Earth will be filled with glory.” -Betty Smith (1896 - 1972): “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” (1943)
“We attract what we habitually expect; we become what we deeply believe.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
“This is the precept by which I have lived: Prepare for the worst; expect the best; and take what comes.” -Hannah Arendt (Johanna ‘Hannah’ Arendt (1906 - 1975))
“It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.” -John Steinbeck (1902 - 1968)
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” -Dennis Wholey
“Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.” -Maurice Setter
“There are in life as many aspects as attitudes towards it; and aspects change with attitudes . . . Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change in attitude.” -Katherine Mansfield (1888 - 1923)
“The word ‘lose’ simply stands for Lack Of Success Expectancy.” -Doug Firebaugh
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on Earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
“Attitude, more than aptitude, will determine your altitude in life.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“Be thine own palace, or the world’s thy jail.” -John Donne (1572 - 1631)
“Attitude is greatly shaped by influence and association.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” -Annie Gottlier
“‘You become what you think about’ is the foundation of your actions and reactions. What are your thoughts? Positive all the time? How are you guiding them?” -Jeffrey Gitomer
“Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.” -William James (1842 - 1910): as attributed in Norman Vincent Peale: “The Power of Positive Thinking” (1952)
“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
“The quality of our expectations determines the quality of our actions.” -André Godin
“We don’t see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.” -Henry M. Tomlinson (1873 - 1958): “Out of Soundings” (1931), chapter 10
“Take charge of your attitude. Don’t let someone choose it for you.” -Author Unknown
“It’s all in the way you look at things.” -Norton Juster
“For success, attitude is equally as important as ability.” -Harry F. Banks
“A little bird is content with a little nest.” -Thomas Draxe (unknown - 1618)
“A healthy attitude is contagious but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.” -Author Unknown
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” -Herm Albright (1876 - 1944): as attributed in “Reader’s Digest” (1995)
“The world can change in an instant. So can the way you choose to see it. Why not choose to see the good in yourself and others?” -Bob Perks
“Your attitude is either the lock on, or the key to the door of success.” -Denis Waitley
“Live up to the highest you know in all things.” -Mildred Mann (1904 - 1971)
“Your mental attitude is something you can control outright and you must use self-discipline until you create a positive mental attitude - your mental attitude attracts to you everything that makes you what you are.” -Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970)
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)
“The most unknown, unused and unrecognized tool of the human mind, is the recognition that attitude is always a choice.” -Mark Horton
“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Lou Holtz (Louis Leo ‘Lou’ Holtz (born 1937))
“A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before we changed.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . it’s a whole new ‘fun’ attitude . . .
Here we see the annual spaghetti harvest in Switzerland . . .
“Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.” -Sophia Loren
Pasta is a food originating in Italy, consisting of dough made from durum wheat and water, and sometimes eggs, extruded or stamped into various shapes and sizes. Pasta is cooked by boiling it in water, either in its freshly made state, or it can be dried for storage and later cooked from its dried state.
Oodles of Noodles
I love noodles. Give me oodles.
Make a mound up to the sun.
Noodles are my favorite foodles.
I eat noodles by the ton.
-Lucia and James Hymes, Junior
When pasta is boiled in water, it is important to know that once the pot has been removed from the heat source, the hot water continues to cook the pasta, and even once pasta is separated from the hot water, it continues cooking. So, to achieve just the precise amount of cooking to have perfectly done pasta that is not too soft or too hard, referred to in Italian as ‘al dente,’ immerse the pasta in cold water at precisely the perfect time to stop the cooking process.
“Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
As the song says, “On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed!”
Marinara sauce is a red sauce typically made from tomatoes, onions, and herbs. ‘Marinara’ is derived from the Italian phrase ‘alla marinara’ meaning ‘sailor-style.’ It commonly goes by the name ‘spaghetti sauce’ or ‘pasta sauce,’ although it is worth noting that not all pasta sauces are red sauces, especially those that contain no tomatoes as a main ingredient.
Overheard: Mama mia, dat’s-a lotsa pasta!
“No man is lonely while eating spaghetti - it requires too much attention.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): as quoted in “Life” (24 October 1969) magazine
Doyle: A farmer bought a piece of land at auction. It was two thousand acres long and one inch wide. What did he grow on it?
Dylan: I know - spaghetti!
In 1996, computer hardware engineer Toshio Yamamoto began the work of tasting and cataloguing all the ramen instant noodles he could find (including a full ingredients list, texture, flavor, price, and a ‘star’ rating for each) for the 5,657-ramen database on his website, expanded recently with hundreds of video reviews and with re-reviews (in case the taste had changed). Mr. Yamamoto said he had always eaten ramen for breakfast seven days a week, but cut back recently to five. “I feared that, if I continued at (the seven-day) pace, I would get bored.” He has written two books on the flavored instant noodles. Visit Mr. Yamamoto’s website at www.i-ramen.net to see his extensive noodle work and nifty animation.
Macaroni and Cheese
Boil the water, add the noodles,
Mac and cheese, we love you oodles.
In gratefulness for this creation,
We bow and eat with such elation.
Customer: “Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?”
Waiter: “No, sir, I cleaned it off.”
The spaghetti tree hoax is a famous 3-minute hoax report broadcast on April Fool’s Day 1957 by the British Broadcasting Corporation current affairs program “Panorama.” It told a tale of a family in southern Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from the fictitious spaghetti tree. The story was broadcast at a time when the Italian dish was not widely eaten in the United Kingdom and some Britons were still unaware that spaghetti is a pasta made from wheat flour and water. Hundreds of viewers phoned the BBC, either to say the story was not true, or wondering about it, with some even asking how to grow their own spaghetti trees. “Panorama” cameraman Charles de Jaeger dreamed up the story after remembering how teachers at his school in Austria teased his classmates for being so stupid that if they were told that spaghetti grew on trees, they would believe it. The report showed a family in the canton of Ticino in southern Switzerland as they gathered a bumper spaghetti harvest after a mild winter and “virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil.” Footage of a traditional “Harvest Festival” was aired along with a discussion of the cultivation necessary to develop a plant variety that produces the perfect length of pasta. Some scenes were filmed at the (now closed) Pasta Foods factory on London Road, Saint Albans, in Hertfordshire, and at a hotel in Castagnola, Switzerland. The report was made more believable through the voiceover of respected broadcaster Richard Dimbleby. Pasta was not an everyday food in 1950’s Britain, and was known mainly from tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce, and considered by many to be an exotic delicacy. At the time, there were 7 million homes in Britain with television sets, out of a total of 15.8 million homes. An estimated 8 million people watched the program on and hundreds phoned in the following day to question the authenticity of the story or ask for more information about spaghetti cultivation and how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. The BBC reportedly told them to “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”
“Life is a combination of magic and pasta.” -Federico Fellini
Weird Al Yankovic did a parody of the song “La Bamba” entitled “Lasagna” on his “Even Worse” album.
“I do love Italian food. Any kind of pasta or pizza.” -Jennifer Love Hewitt
So there I was, minding my own business as usual, when all of a sudden . . . spaghetti.
Lorenzo: What do you call a fake noodle?
Luciano: An impasta.
“The Forme of Cury,” a 14th century cookbook that was the first to be published in England, featured lasagna.
Lasagna is the favorite food of the cartoon cat character Garfield, created by Jim Davis. Interestingly, it is said that Mr. Davis never had a pet cat, but despite this handicap, he somehow manages.
“Eat the spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.” -Author Unknown
“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.” -Sophia Loren
Lasagna is believed to have originated in Italy. It is a dish made of alternating layers of pasta, cheese, sauce, and traditionally meat, although vegetables can be substituted for the meat. Lasagna is made with either flat noodles or rippled noodles. Rippled noodles are common in southern Italy but rarely used in Northern Italy. Rippled noodles are also popular in the United States. The plural of lasagna is lasagne. In Italy, the plural form lasagne is always used when referring to lasagna.
“I love pasta with the homemade marinara sauce I had as a kid.” -Bernadette Peters
“I don’t know, man . . . I just started eating pasta and I was like, ‘Wow, my problems . . . where did they all just go?’” -Author Unknown
You are now on 'MFOL!' . . . quick, say something funny!
Meg: I am very good at spelling bees!
Greg: Is that so?
Meg: Yes, b-e-e-s!
Two words that are easily confused are principle and principal. The following sentence may be of some help: The school principal is our pal. You will notice that ‘pal’ is on the end of the word ‘principal’ but not on the end of the word ‘principle.’ Now let us go ask the school principal if this is true, or if principals serve mainly to maintain order and to act as disciplinarians.
Difficult words can be ‘sounded out’ to help us pronounce and spell them correctly. To sound out a word, clearly say each syllable separately, distinctly, and with emphasis. For example, to sound out the word responsibility, break it down into its syllables, as re-spons-i-bil-i-ty. When we clearly sound out words, we avoid skipping letters and syllables, and doing so can also help us avoid stammering. Often after sounding out a new word a few times, we find that it becomes lastingly embedded in our memory, making it more familiar and easier to use.
My spelling is Wobbly.
It’s good spelling but it Wobbles,
and the letters get in the wrong places.
-A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956)): “Winnie-the-Pooh” (1926)
Only four words in the English language end in ‘dous,’ and they are tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Jason: What common eleven-letter word is often spelled incorrectly?
The longest English word consisting entirely of consonants (not counting ‘y’ as a vowel) is the word ‘crwth,’ which is from the fourteenth century and means ‘crowd.’ Wait, why do we even have that fact in here, because nobody has used that word for roughly 600 long years!
Teacher: At 28 letters in length, ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ is the sixth longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
Student: It is spelled i-t.
Spelling bees are competitions in which participants try to spell words correctly. Spelling bees can be done with little planning, as in a classroom directed by a teacher, or with great planning and fanfare, as in a spelling bee with participants from all across a country or all around the world. To stay in the competition, a participant is given a word to spell; he or she may then ask for the definition of the word or a sample sentence containing the word (usage example). Some spelling bees have prizes, which can include scholarships, trophies, plaques, certificates, dictionaries, or media appearances. Some spelling bees have as a prize simply being declared the winner.
Lovie: How do you spell ‘sarcasm’?
Flossie: With letters, I should think.
At exactly 34 letters each, ‘hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist’ and ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ are tied as the fourth-longest words in the English language. Do you know which word is associated with Mary Poppins and which word refers to a person who likes to use really long words?
Horace wrote in his “Ars Poetica” (English translation: “The Art of Poetry”) the words, “Proicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba.” (English translation: “He throws aside his paint pots and his words that are a foot and a half long.”). The word ‘sesquipedalia’ is derived from the Latin ‘sesqui-‘ meaning ‘one and a half’ and ‘ped’ meaning ‘a foot’ (as a unit of measure). So, a ‘hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist’ is a person who likes to use really long words. If you are fortunate, you will not have such a person assign you a word at a spelling bee, but such things can happen to even the best of us!
‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ is a made-up, or pretend, nonsense word popularized by the movie “Mary Poppins” (1964). It was derived from the word ‘supercaliflawjalisticexpialidoshus,’ which was invented by Helen Herman and published in her column “A-Musings” in the “Syracuse Daily Orange” (10 March 1931) newspaper, and means ‘something wonderful.’ Have yourself a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day - after you get your tongue discombobulated!
Riddle: Look at the following words. What do they have in common?
Solution: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Now try asking other people if they can solve the riddle.
Common Words with More than One Spelling
- Can you think of other words that can be spelled more than one way?
Introducing ‘lite,’ the new, lighter ‘weigh’ to spell ‘light’ - with twenty percent fewer letters! Pretty exciting, huh?
Syllable: A part of pronunciation that has one vowel sound, making up either a whole word or a part of a word. ‘The’ is a one-syllable word, ‘outdoors’ is a two-syllable word, ‘bicycle’ is a three-syllable word, and ‘dandelion’ is a four-syllable word.
When asked to spell Mississippi at a spelling bee, a boy asked, “The river, or the state?”
‘Uncopyrightable’ is the only fifteen-letter word that can be spelled without repeating any letters.
Christopher: What school subject do witches like best?
Abstemious, arsenious, and facetious contain all five of the vowels in the order in which they appear in the alphabet, which is a, e, i, o, and u. Also, nobody knows what these words mean.
Spelling Cheque Ere
Eye halve a spelling cheque ere
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My cheque ere tolled me sew.
A single seven-letter word in the English language contains ten words without any need to rearrange its letters. The word is ‘therein,’ and the words within it are: the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, and herein.
“When Milo looked up he saw an enormous bee, at least twice his size . . . ‘I am the Spelling Bee . . . Don’t be alarmed . . . a-l-a-r-m-e-d.’” -Norton Juster: “The Phantom Tollbooth” (1961)
We once tried to tell a college professor that everyone would be better off if the spellings of words were simplified and made more consistent. She said it could never be done because there was too much history embedded within the spellings of words and the spellings must forever be unchanged so that the history will not be lost. We say history should not hold us back! We say let us make word spellings uniform and easier for the great masses of people, who language is meant to serve and not oppress! Let us begin the process of spelling simplification now! We can start with just a few words typed on paper, and stand on street corners making speeches about it, and hand out the sheets of paper with the new word spellings on them. Let us get this revolution underway! All we need is a leader for our cause - hey, how about you?
“S, u, c, c, e, s, s! That’s the way we spell success!” -Author Unknown: part of a military marching cadence
I thought I’d win the spelling bee
And get right to the top,
But I started to spell ‘banana,’
And I didn’t know when to stop.
‘Underground’ is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters ‘u-n-d.’
His Spelling Was Weke
A teacher whose spelling’s unique
Thus wrote down the ‘Days of the Wique’:
The first he spelt ‘Sonday’,
The second day ‘Munday’ -
And now a new teacher they sique.
-Charles Battell Loomis
Why don’t we just go ahead and standardize and simplify the spelling of words in order to make life easier for all of us? We don’t need to ask anybody’s permission. We’ll just take the initiative on our own. That’s what leadership is all about, right?
Fobia: An irrational fear of misspelled words - this is a joke, of course! The correct word for a fear of spelling mistakes is ‘ortographobia.’ It is a tough word to spell, so now people with ortographobia could have a fear of misspelling the word for the phobia that they have, which is a fear of misspelling words. Should someone get all of the people with this condition a toy stuffed teddy bear and a dictionary?
Pay attention, because the following word will be on the Friday spelling test. It is a chemical with 1,185 letters, and the longest word in the English language:
onylserylalanylprolylalanylserine. Good luck!
How to really annoy people: Spell out words when speaking. Example: It is time to take the d-o-g to the v-e-t. As if dogs cannot spell, right?
Are you looking for a way to advertise or promote your business or cause? Hold a spelling bee at a school, church, park, or community center, and invite the local news media to attend the event. Have a large banner made with your company or cause’s name on it to place behind the contestants so that any cameras pointed at the contestants will also clearly show the banner.
The longest place-name still in use is a New Zealand hill called
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitnatahu. Why not just call it ‘that big bump in the ground over there’?
What if every profession held annual spelling bees?
- Actors should be asked to give their best efforts to spelling the words egotistical, narcissistic, humbleness, and modesty.
- Athletes might try to spell difficult words including temper, entertainer, clean, and consideration.
- Lawyers would be asked to spell challenging words such as ethics, malpractice, defender, and constitution.
- Politicians could be asked to spell unfamiliar words like honesty, truthfulness, service, and citizens.
The English language has 1,100 different ways to spell its 44 distinct sounds, more than any other language.
Jay: Are you going to the amusement park on Saturday?
Ray: Yes, I a-m g-o-i-n-g t-o the a-m-u-s-e-m-e-n-t p-a-r-k on S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y.
Jay: Are you sure you feel good enough to go?
Ray: I feel fine, although I do seem to have been s-t-u-n-g by a s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g b-e-e and I cannot stop spelling o-u-t words! Please h-e-l-p m-e!
Words and Spellings Quiz
- Do some words have more than one accepted spelling?
- Are the ‘spell checkers’ on computers always correct?
- Is the letter ‘y’ a consonant or a vowel?
- How many syllables are in the word ‘elementary’?
- How many syllables are in the word ‘rhythm’?
- Will eating honey help you get ready for a spelling bee?
“The dawn of legibility in his handwriting has revealed his utter inability to spell.” -attributed to Ian Hay (pseudonym of John Hay Beith (1876 - 1952))
‘Rhythms’ is the longest word that does not contain any of the five regular vowels (a, e, i, o, and u); however, it does contain the letter ‘y’ functioning as a vowel. Rhythms is a two-syllable word pronounced as rĭth′əmz. Very strange.
Take the ‘gh’ from rough, if you wish,
And from women, the ‘o,’ as in dish.
Get a ‘ti’ from mention
Or out of attention,
And g-h-o-t-i spells fish.
Words and Spellings Quiz Answers
- Some words have more than one accepted spelling, as for example, travelling/traveling and judgement/judgment.
- While spell checkers on computers are helpful, they are not always correct, and you will need to rely on your own knowledge, check other sources such as dictionaries, or ask people for help before making final decisions on spellings.
- The letter ‘y’ can be either a consonant or a vowel, depending on its placement in a word.
- The word ‘elementary’ contains 5 syllables: el-em-en-ta-ry.
- The word ‘rhythm’ contains 2 syllables: rhy-thm.
- There is no actual direct association between the insects called bees and the academic events called spelling bees. Spelling bees, much like quilting bees, are events at which people gather to engage in a common activity, reminiscent of the purported industriousness, or busyness, of bees.
Jason: One of the most commonly misspelled words is misspelled.
Jasper: What is it?
Jason: What is what?
Jasper: What is the most commonly misspelled word?
Jason: I just told you!
Why are words so difficult to spell? You can blame it on your ancestors, who not only gave you your eye color and the shape of your nose, but also decided to give you the spellings of your words. “Hey, how can we give posterity something to remind them of us? . . . I know, we’ll leave difficult-to-spell words, that’ll make them think of us every time they have to communicate one with another!” And you in turn, are complicating life for generations to come by keeping the same exasperating system in place - so why not do something now for posterity by bringing uniformity and simplification to spelling?
Some words are difkolt - chalinjing - ridiquulus - just plain impossible to spell!
A monosyllabic word is one that contains only one syllable, as for example, the words peach, pear, and plum. Peculiar, isn’t it, how the word ‘monosyllabic’ has five syllable in it? Polysyllabic is an example of a polysyllabic word, which is a word containing two or more syllables, as also do the words apple, pineapple, berry, and watermelon.
Why is phonetic not spelled the way it sounds?
The three words in the English language with the letters ‘uu’ are: vacuum, residuum, and continuum - although a sometimes also considered word is muumuu. Oddly, although ‘uu’ is a double-u, the two-letter combination is not pronounced like the letter ‘w.’ Confusion abounds everywhere.
“Is it just me, or have you ever noticed that the word ‘and’ resembles a cat in a defensive stance? The ‘a’ is the cat’s head, the ‘n’ is the cat’s arched back, and the ‘d’ is the cat’s raised tail. Nah, it couldn’t be . . . it’s just my ‘imagination.’” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
If someone invents an easier way to spell a word, should that person get a prize or an award of some kind? How about if we rename a letter of the alphabet after them? A, b, c, d, e, f, g . . . don’t you mean A, b, c, Kevin, e, f, g?
“It’s a poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.” -Andrew Jackson
At ‘MFOL!’ we spell life f-u-n. We should probably go back to school and learn how to spell it the right way . . .
We say, “Life is a zoo!” Do you think so, too? Shown is the ‘Big Cat Crossing’ at the Philadelphia Zoo in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America. It opened in 1876 as the very first zoo in the nation, and still attracts great numbers of curiosity seekers and wild animal enthusiasts. Website: http://www.PhiladelphiaZoo.org.
Harold: What is the most up-to-date animal at the zoo?
Harry: The gnu, of course!
First Monkey: What has an elephant’s trunk, a giraffe’s neck, an ostrich’s beak, and a lion’s head?
Second Monkey: A zoo!
As we go walking through the zoo
This is what we’ll see,
Elephants and hippos,
And monkeys in a tree.
Tigers roaring loudly,
Giraffes who stand so high,
Dolphins swimming freely,
And parrots in the sky.
So let’s all go walking,
Having fun the whole day through,
As we go on our field trip,
To the friendly city zoo
Sign in a safari park: Visitors Who Throw Litter Into The Crocodile Pit Will Be Asked To Retrieve It.
“Look at that one - the one staring at us through the bars. Doesn’t he look intelligent?” “Yes. There’s something uncanny about it.” “He looks as if he understood every word we’re saying.” “Walks on his hind legs, too, and swings his arms.” “There! He’s got a peanut. Let’s see what he does with it.” “Well, what do you know about that! He knows enough to take off the shell before he eats it, like we do.” “That’s a female alongside of him. Listen to her chatter at him. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to her, though.” “She must be his mate.” “The look kind of sad, don’t they?” “Yes. I guess they wish they were in here with us monkeys.”
At the zoo I remarked to an emu
“I cannot pretend I esteem you.
You’re a greedy old bird,
And your walk is absurd,
But your curious feathers redeem you.”
“The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.” -Evan Esar
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot high fence was put up . . . and again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”
At the zoo we saw a bear
He had long, dark fuzzy hair
We saw a lion in a cage.
He was in an awful rage.
We saw the big, long-necked giraffe,
And the silly monkeys made us laugh
But my favorite animal at the zoo
Is the elephant - how about you?
Zoo: A place where animals can safely observe and study the behavior of humans.
The Spangled Pandemonium
The spangled pandemonium
Is missing from the zoo.
He bent the bars the barest bit,
And slithered glibly through.
He crawled across the moated wall,
He climbed the mango tree,
And when the keeper scrambled up,
He nipped him in the knee.
To all of you, a warning
Not to wander after dark,
Or if you must, make very sure
You stay out of the park.
For the spangled pandemonium
Is missing from the zoo,
And since he nipped his keeper,
He would just as soon nip you!
The zoo in Tokyo, Japan closes for two months of each year so that the animals can have a holiday from visitors.
“Rarely does it occur to people that the purpose of the bars, moats, and walls at zoos is to protect the animals from humans.” -Bergan Evans (paraphrased)
A man needed a job. He heard that they were looking for help at the zoo, so he went there and applied for a job. On his first day at work, his boss handed a gorilla suit to him and said, “The gorilla is out sick today, so we’ll need you to fill in for him.” The fellow thought this was odd, but he really badly needed the job, so he said, “Sure,” put the gorilla suit on, went into the cage, and proceeded to monkey around. After a while, he got the hang of things and found it enjoyable, but while swinging on a tire, he lost his grip, went flying through the bars, and landed in the lion’s cage. He took one look at the huge fierce lion and thought to himself that the job was not all that important compared to his life, so he started yelling, “Help me, help me!” to the zoo visitors. Hearing his cries, the lion trotted over to him. Terrified, the man in the gorilla suit covered his face with his arms, when, startled, he heard the man in the lion suit whisper insistently, “Be quiet, or you will get us both fired!”
Dave: It is feeding time at the zoo.
Jim: Better hurry or you will be late for dinner!
Go away, goat . . . I’m trying to take a hippopotanap . . . zzz-zzz-zzz-zzz.
An Alphabet Zoo
A was an apt Alligator,
Who wanted to be a headwaiter;
He said, “I opine
In that field I could shine,
Because I am such a good skater.”
B was a beggarly Bear,
Who carefully curled his front hair;
He said, “I would buy
A red-spotted tie,
But I haven’t a penny to spare.”
C was a cool Chimpanzee,
Who went to an afternoon tea.
When they said, “Will you take
A caraway cake?”
He greedily took twenty-three!
D was a diligent Doe,
In summer she shoveled the snow;
In the spring and the fall
She did nothing at all,
And in winter the grass she would mow.
E was an erudite Ermine,
Who tried very hard to determine
If he should earn a cent,
How it ought to be spent,
And decided to purchase a sermon.
F was a fussy Flamingo,
Who remarked to his family, “By jingo!
I think I would go
To that animal show,
But they all talk such barbarous lingo.”
G was a giddy Gazelle,
Who never could learn how to spell;
But she managed to pass
To the head of her class,
Because she did fractions so well.
H was a haughty young Hawk,
Who affected society talk;
But when introduced
At a large chicken roost
He excitedly screamed out, “Oh, Lawk!”
I was an idle Iguana,
Who lived upon curried banana;
With tears he’d protest
That he never could rest
Till he learned to sing “Eileen Alanna.”
J was a jimp Jaguar,
Who purchased a Spanish guitar;
He played popular airs
At fetes and at fairs,
And down at the Fancy Bazaar.
K was a kind Kangaroo,
Whose bonnet was always askew;
So they asked her to wait
While they put it on straight
And fastened it firmly with glue.
L was a lachrymose Leopard,
Who ate up twelve sheep and a shepherd,
But the real reason why
He continued to cry
Was his food was so lavishly peppered.
M was a mischievous Marten,
Who went to the Free Kindergarten;
When they asked him to plat
A bright-colored mat,
He tackled the job like a Spartan.
N was a naughty Nylghau,
Who wandered too near a buzz saw.
It cut off his toes,
And the shrieks that arose
Filled all of the neighbors with awe.
O was an ossified Oyster,
Who decided to enter a cloister.
He could not return,
So continued to yearn
For his home in the sea, which was moister.
P was a poor old Poll Parrot,
Who had nothing to eat but a carrot,
And nothing to wear
But a wig of red hair,
And nowhere to live but a garret.
Q was a querulous Quab
Who at every trifle would sob;
He said, “I detest
To wear a plaid vest,
And I hate to eat corn from the cob!”
R was a rollicking Ram,
Attired in an old pillow sham.
When asked if he’d call
At the masquerade ball,
He said, “I’ll go just as I am.”
S was a shy Salamander,
Who slept on a sunny veranda.
She calmly reposed,
But, alas! while she dozed
They caught her and cooked her and canned her.
T was a tidy young Tapir,
Who went out to bring in the paper;
And when he came back
He made no muddy track,
For he wiped his feet clean on the scraper.
U was a young Unicorn,
The bravest that ever was born.
They bought him a boat
And they set him afloat,
And straightway he sailed for Cape Horn.
V was a vigorous Vulture,
Who taught animals physical culture;
When a pupil felt sad,
The kind teacher said,
“You needn’t consider sepulture.”
W was a wild Worm,
All day he did nothing but squirm.
They sent him to school,
But he broke every rule,
And left at the end of the term.
X was a Xiphias brave,
Who lived on the crest of the wave.
To each fish he would say,
“Good day, sir, good day!”
And then a polite bow he gave.
Y was a young Yellowhammer,
Who raised a ridiculous clamor;
And he chattered until
An owl said, “Keep still!
I’m trying to study my grammar.”
Z was a zealous old Zibet,
Toboggans he tried to prohibit.
If anyone tried
To take a sly slide,
He ordered him hanged on a gibbet.
Zoos and Wild Animal Parks Quiz
- What animals can be commonly found at zoos?
- What animals can be commonly found at wild animal parks?
- Do zoos have human exhibits along with the bear and tiger exhibits?
- What is a petting zoo?
- Why do zoos not have live dinosaurs?
- What is the proper way to behave toward zoo animals?
The Zoo is Lots of Fun
The zoo is lots of fun.
See a kangaroo.
See a chimpanzee.
Hear the lions roar.
Watch the seals dive.
There’s a monkey doing tricks.
A tiger and his mate.
Penguins in a line.
I want to come again.
The San Diego Zoo in California, United States of America has the largest collection of animals in the world. You can watch live streaming video of elephants, penguins, koalas, tigers, pandas, apes, and polar bears on their website at www.Zoo.SanDiego.org.
Ken: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face-to-face with a tiger?
Dave: No - what happened?
Ken: I just stood there. The tiger crept closer . . . and closer . . .
Dave: Well, what did you do?
Ken: I just moved on to the next cage.
Listen . . . caw-caw! . . . haa-haa! . . . chatter-chatter! . . . hoo-hoo! . . . do you hear the zoo calling to you? Perhaps it is time for a visit . . . hope to see you there! Chirrup-chirrup! Eee-ahh! We’re like a bunch of wild animals here . . . at ‘MFOL!’
Grocery Store Bagger, speaking to Customer: Paper or plastic?
Customer: Surprise me!
“I went into a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.” -Steven Wright
Customer: Have you anything for gray hair?
Clerk: Nothing but the greatest respect.
To market, to market,
To buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again,
To market, to market,
To buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again,
To market, to market,
To buy a plum bun,
Home again, home again,
Market is done.
Customer to book storeowner: “I would like to return this book on modern medical procedures.”
Owner: “Is something wrong with it?”
Customer: “Someone removed the appendix.”
Shopper: Someone who goes buy-buy.
Overheard: Whenever I am at the market, I always seem to get the shopping cart with the one bad wheel.
“Everything is worth what its purchaser will pay for it.” -Publilius Syrus
Overheard: Today I went to the corner shop - and bought four corners.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.” Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?” “Rain.”
So a guy walked into an antiques store and asked, “What’s new?”
“Cheap things are not good; good things are not cheap.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: The food at the convenience store in my neighborhood is so old that the expiration dates are in Roman numerals.
“Self-Checkout Line - The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.” -Richard E. Turner (1937 - 2011): “The Curmudgeon’s Short Dictionary of Modern Phrases” (about 2009), ‘The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. ‘The Mudge’’
Dolly: What do you get when alien teenagers invade shopping malls on Earth?
Molly: Clothes encounters of the weird kind.
Two men were lost in the desert. They were desperate for water, but just as they thought there was no hope, they chanced upon a village where market day was in full swing. They went to the first market stall they saw, and asked if they could buy some water. “No,” replied the stall owner, “I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.” So off they went to the next stall and again they asked for water. “Sorry,” said the merchant, “but I only sell custard.” “Custard?” one of the men said to the other, “What kind of place is this?” By then completely desperate, they went to the next stall, only to be told, “Sorry, but I only sell jelly.” Hearing this, one of the thirsty men turned to the other and asked, “Do you think this is a trifle bazaar?”
“If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.” -Herbert Block
The best time to buy a new car is at the end of the month, because the sales people want their monthly reports to look good.
“When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, ‘Are you two an item?’” -Author Unknown
Rule 1: The customer is always right.
Rule 2: If the customer is ever wrong, reread rule 1.
-Stew Leonard: policy of Stew Leonard’s dairy stores.
Overheard: Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a scuffle, the store manager pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. “Everything’s fine, folks,” he reassured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items.”
Sign at a farmer’s market: Please Do Not Put All Of Your Eggs In One Basket!
The first product to have a UPC bar code on its packaging was Wrigley’s gum.
Overheard: Aspirin, 300 for $2.88 - at that price, I cannot afford not to have a headache!
A small storeowner was being pressured to sell his store to the owners of a large department store who had bought every building on the block, except his. Frustrated by the man’s refusal to sell, they eventually opened their huge store on either side of the small one, with a big banner running from one side to the other, proclaiming in huge letters “Grand Opening.” Below it, across the front of his small store, the man put up a small banner over his door: “Main Entrance.”
“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” -Author Unknown
“Let the buyer beware.” -John Fitzherbert: “A Book of Husbandry” (1523)
Huan: What are cashiers in China called?
Lok: Chinese checkers.
The proprietor of a highly successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer. “Son,” he said, “after you have fitted the glasses, and the customer asks what the charge will be, you say,” ‘The charge is 98 dollars.’ Then you pause and wait to see if he flinches. If the customer doesn’t flinch, you then say, “For the frames. The lenses will be another 98 dollars.” Then you pause again, this time only slightly, and watch for the flinch. If he doesn’t flinch this time, you say firmly, “Each.”
“Shopping: Retail therapy.” -Joe Heuer
“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” -Franklin P. Jones
Gift Shop: A place where you can see all of the things that you hope your relatives will not send to you for Christmas.
Sales Clerk to Customer: “This is an actual fire sale. The boss said that if I do not make a sale today, I am fired.”
“There is hardly anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper, and the people who consider price only are this man’s lawful prey.” -John Ruskin
Shopping Tip: Do not shop when you are hungry. Shop after eating something, otherwise you will be tempted to buy everything that looks good and is edible in the store, including things you normally would not buy, things that you should not buy, and things that can ruin your diet and your budget.
“He is never likely to have a good thing cheap who is afraid to ask the price.” -Author Unknown
“People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.” -Author Unknown
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts cannot easily reach everything.
Like the wonders of the natural world, the Make Fun Of Life! Website is an ever-changing work-in-progress that will never be finished . . . so check back often to see all the new stuff we have in store for you.
Footprints in the sands of time were not made while sitting down . . .
“I want to get you excited about who you are, what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you. I want to inspire you to see that you can go far beyond where you are right now.” -Virginia Satir (1916 - 1988)
“Go as far as you can see, and when you get there you will see farther.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))
“A somebody was once a nobody who wanted to and did.” -John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
“The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired, but becomes inspired because he is working. Beethoven, Wagner, Bach, and Mozart settled down day after day to the job in hand. They didn’t waste time waiting for inspiration.” -Ernest Newman
“Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.” -Madeleine L’Engle (Madeleine L’Engle Camp)
“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888)
Do What You Want
Draw the art you want to see
Start the business you want to run
Play the music you want to hear
Write the books you want to read
Build the products you want to use
Do the work you want to see done
“This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
“One ought to, every day at least, hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1842): “Wilhelm Meister’s Lehrjahre” (“Wilhelm Meister’s Apprenticeship”) (1795 - 1796), book 5, chapter I
“When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either.” -Leo Burnett (1891 - 1971)
“Reach for the stars, even if you have to stand on a cactus.” -Susan Longacre
“We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals - and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
“No one knows what he can do until he tries.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
“You can have anything you want - if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
“Extraordinary people are committed to doing the extra things that ordinary people won’t.” -Christine Kinney
“The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.” -Author Unknown
“A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.” -Author Unknown: “Cinderella”
“Do everything. One thing may turn out to be right.” -Humphrey Bogart
“Triumph is just ‘umph’ added to ‘try.’” -Author Unknown
“The explanation of triumph is all in the first syllable.” -Author Unknown
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible” (King James Version, 1611), ‘Matthew,’ chapter 7, verses 7 and 8
“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” -Author Unknown
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.” -Jonathan Winters (Jonathan Harshman Winters III (1925 - 2013))
“The measure of achievement is not winning awards. It’s doing something that you appreciate, something you believe is worthwhile. I think of my strawberry soufflé. I did that at least twenty-eight times before I finally conquered it.” -Julia Child (Julia Carolyn Child (1912 - 2004))
“Almost invariably those who have reached the summits worked harder and longer, studied and planned more assiduously, practiced more self-denial, overcame more difficulties than those of us who have not risen so far.” -B. C. Forbes (Robert Charles ‘Bertie’ Forbes (1880 - 1954))
“There is only one small letter between the words Can and Can’t . . . and that one letter will t-otally change your destiny.” -Doug Firebaugh
“Knock the ‘t’ off the ‘can’t.’” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle; when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.” -Herb Caen (Herbert Eugene ‘Herb’ Caen (1916 - 1997))
“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.” -Dale E. Turner (1917 - 2006)
“‘How does one become a butterfly?’ she asked. ‘You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.’” -Trina Paulus: “Hope for the Flowers” (1973), available from www.HopeForTheFlowers.com.
“Tears will get you sympathy . . . Sweat will get you results.” -Author Unknown
“If you want to see something done, just tell some human beings it can’t be done. Make it known that it’s impossible to fly to the Moon, or run a hundred meters in nine-point-nine seconds, or solve Fermat’s Last Theorem. Remind the world that no one has ever hit sixty-two home runs in a season . . . stuffed eighteen people into a Volkswagen Bug . . . set half the world free . . . or cloned a sheep. Dangle the undoable in front of the world. Then, consider it done.” -Author Unknown: Merrill Lynch, advertisement
“A man’s ambition should be high. Not scratched in dirt - carved in the sky.” -Thomas L. Forest
“You will never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more chance there is of stubbing your toe, but the more chance you have of getting somewhere.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
There’s a Time
There’s a time to part and a time to meet,
There’s a time to sleep and a time to eat,
There’s a time to work and a time to play,
There’s a time to sing and a time to pray,
There’s a time that’s glad and a time that’s blue,
There’s a time to plan and a time to do,
There’s a time to grin and to show your grit,
But there never was a time to quit.
“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.” -Author Unknown
“Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.” -Author Unknown
“If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.” -Author Unknown
Good, Better, Best
Good, better, best,
Never let it rest
Until your Good is Better
And your Better is the Best.
“No dreamer is ever too small; no dream is ever too big.” -Author Unknown
Everybody Is Somebody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
“If you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and turn it on yourself.” -Author Unknown
Anything Can Be
Listen to the Mustn’ts, child,
Listen to the Don’ts
Listen to the Shouldn’ts
The Impossibles, the Won’ts
Listen to the Never Haves
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.
-Shel Silverstein (Sheldon Allan ‘Shel’ Silverstein (1930 - 1999)): “Where the Sidewalk Ends” (1974)
“You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.” -Author Unknown
“Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.” -Author Unknown
Did is a word of achievement,
Won’t is a word of retreat,
Might is a word of bereavement,
Can’t is a word of defeat,
Ought is a word of duty,
Try is a word each hour,
Will is a word of beauty,
Can is a word of power.
“Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing intensity. Remember that our sons and grandsons are going to do things that would stagger us. Let your watchword be order and your beacon be beauty.” -Daniel Hudson Burnham (1846 - 1912)
“I am not a has-been. I am a will-be.” -Lauren Bacall (1924 - 2014)
What I Would Like to Be
I would like to be a Could Be
If I could not be an Are,
For a Could Be is a May Be
With a chance of going far.
I would rather be a Has Been
Than a Might Have Been by far,
For a Might Have Been has never been
But a Has Been was an Are.
“I really don’t think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don’t mind the failure but I can’t imagine that I’d forgive myself if I didn’t try.” -Nikki Giovanni (born 1943)
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” -Wendell Johnson (1906 - 1965)
“Never forget all that you have survived, all that you have accomplished, all that you are capable of, all that you will do, your hopes and dreams and plans, and the bright future that awaits you. Go forward with extreme optimism!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” -Anne Frank (1929 - 1945): “The Diary of a Young Girl” (1952)
Risk more than others think is safe.
Care more than others think is wise.
Dream more than others think is practical.
Expect more than others think is possible.
-Claude T. Bissell (Claude Thomas Bissell (1916 - 2000))
“Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of a unanimity.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): as quoted in “American Artist” (1949)
“Every day is another chance to make your dreams come true.” -Author Unknown
“There is something that I know about you that you may not even know yourself. You have within you more resources of energy than have ever been tapped, more talent than has ever been exploited, more strength than has ever been tested, and more to give than you have ever given.” -John Gardner (1933 - 1982.)
“Champions know there are no shortcuts to the top. They climb the mountain one step at a time. They have no use for helicopters!” -Judi Adier
“You can follow your heart - just don’t forget to take your head with you.” -Author Unknown
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.” -Tom Hiddleston (Thomas William Hiddleston (born 1981))
“When I’m inspired, I get excited because I can’t wait to see what I’ll come up with next.” -Dolly Parton (born 1946)
We have much more inspiration and motivation for you on the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website. To find it, go to the top of this page and click on ‘Inspiration & Motivation’ on the menu bar. Imagine all the good things that life has to offer, all the good things in the world . . . it is all out there waiting for you - what are you waiting for?
A truly sophisticated froggy finds fashionability, even in a rainforest. . .
“Going around under an umbrella interferes with one’s looking up at the sky.” -Jerzy Kosinski
“Spin the parasol three times and repeat after me: I shield in the name of fashion. I accessorize for one and all. Pursuit of truth is my passion. This I vow by the great parasol.” -Gail Carriger
Dale: What goes up when the rain comes down?
Gail: An umbrella!
Umbrellas and Parasols Facts
- Umbrellas keep the rain off your head.
- Umbrellas are made of waterproof material.
- Parasols keep the sunlight off your head.
- Parasols are often not made of waterproof material.
Uses for a broken umbrella include making a cloud on a stick, also known as a fluffy cotton parasol.
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella.
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.
-Charles Bowen: as published in Walter Sichel: “Sands of Time” (1923)
Mark Twain once told a story of trying to get rid of a wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in a trash can, but someone recognized it as his and returned it. Then he dropped it down a deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella and returned it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back. “Finally,” said Mr. Twain, “I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it again.”
Shane: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Shannon: Because it wasn’t raining.
“A rainy day is the only chance an umbrella gets to shine.” -Author Unknown
“All men are equal - all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.” -E. M. Forster (Edward Morgan Forster): “Howards End” (1910)
Spin, spin the parasol
Spin it, and it flies away -
When it stops,
It’s somehow on the floor.
Spin, spin the umbrella,
Water droplets fly everywhere.
Spin it, spin it,
And then spin no more!
Collapse it and stow it away,
To spin it yet another day.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Never go out on a rainy day without your big green frog . . .
Why are many umbrellas black? When umbrellas first came into popular use in the 18th century, they were made of oil-soaked cotton cloth stretched over whalebone. The application of the oil was to make the cotton cloth waterproof, but it also gave the cloth a black color. While this type of umbrella was waterproof, it was not very durable. Soon, better umbrellas were made, and since the color black was associated with effective waterproofing, most of the newer models were dyed black. However, for safety purposes, colored umbrellas, being more visible to motorists, may possibly decrease the likelihood of collisions with pedestrians. Clear umbrellas are also a good choice as they give their holders the ability to see through them.
Bella Had a New Umbrella
Bella had a new umbrella
Didn’t want to lose it,
So when she walked out in the rain
She didn’t ever use it.
Her nose went sniff,
Her shoes went squish,
Her socks grew soggy,
Her glasses got foggy,
Her pockets filled with water,
And a little green froggy.
All she could speak
Was a weak ‘kachoo!’
But Bella’s umbrella
Stayed nice and new.
Umbrellas were initially used to shade people from the sun, like parasols, not to protect people from the rain as they are today. In ancient Greece, umbrellas became a fashion accessory used by men and not women.
Tongue twister: Clever cats take cover. (Say ten times quickly.)
Norman: Did you hear about the responsible umbrella manufacturer?
Norma: Yes, they say he is saving his money for a sunny day.
Umbrellas are among the things of which you should always have at least two, in case you lose an umbrella or need to loan one to a friend. The two best times to buy an umbrella are before you need one and when it is not raining. When it starts raining, umbrellas sell quickly, and you might not be able to find one to buy.
“I walked around for a few hours. Around one-thirty it started raining lightly. Almost immediately the umbrella sellers turned up on the street corners. You’d have thought they had existed previously in spore form, springing miraculously to life when a drop of water touched them.” -Lawrence Block (born 1938): “Out on the Cutting Edge” (1989)
Marissa: What goes up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Clarissa: An umbrella!
A friend is someone who has an umbrella when it is raining . . .
“It is the habitual carriage of the umbrella that is the stamp of Respectability. The umbrella has become the acknowledged index of social position . . . Crusoe was rather a moralist than a pietist, and his leaf-umbrella is as fine an example of the civilized mind striving to express itself under adverse circumstances as we have ever met with.” -Robert Louis Stevenson (Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson (1850 - 1894)) and J. W. Ferrier: “Philosophy of Umbrellas” (1871)
The average life span of an umbrella is one-and-a-half years.
Marla: What kind of umbrellas do people carry on rainy days?
Merlo: Wet ones.
- Let others stand under your umbrella with you, including people and animals, if your umbrella is large enough, and if the others are not too weird.
- Shake the water off your umbrella before entering a building or vehicle, and then either place it inside a plastic bag, in an umbrella stand, or in another place where the water that runs off it will not create a dangerous slippery-slidey floor.
Otis: Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
Doris: Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
The Gingham Umbrella
Alphonso, Alphonso, Alphonso and Arabella
They happened to meet
A man in the street,
Who carried a gingham umbrella.
Alphonso possessed neither manners nor grace,
He made at this person a hideous face;
But how different the conduct of sweet Arabella,
Who praised with politeness the gingham umbrella.
The man was a nobleman, deeply disguised;
The compliment courteous he pointedly prized;
‘Sweet creature,’ he said, ‘come away from this feller,
And take both my heart and my gingham umbrella!’
The very next morning they met in the church,
And foolish Alphonso was left in the lurch;
And they said, ‘In the future you’ll know how to tell a
Great lord from a loon, by his gingham umbrella!’
-Laura Elizabeth Richards (1850 - 1943)
Marshall: What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
Marsha: An umbrellaphant.
We know you can’t wait for it to rain, so that you can try out your new umbrella, with that great new umbrella smell! More fun follows on ‘MFOL!’
And then the bald eagle said, “Just exactly who are you calling ‘bald’?!”
“We’re all born bald, baby.” -Telly Savalas, actor who portrayed the bald detective in the television series “Kojak”
A bald-headed person named Twig
Once went for advice to a pig.
Said the pig, “Make some snares,
And catch a few hares,
And weave the hares into a wig.”
-Willard R. Espy
“You can resent your bald spot or be glad you have a head.” -Timothy Miller
Angelica: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Angus: Because from a distance, they look like hares.
Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover his balding head. One might wonder if that is how the whole silly notion of crowns and tiaras began.
Consolation for Baldness
What’s the advantage of hair, anyhow?
It blows in your eyes and it flops on your brow,
Disguising the shape of your scholarly head;
It often is gray and it sometimes is red.
Perhaps it is golden and ringleted, but
It needs to be combed and it has to be cut,
And even at best, it is nothing to boast of,
Because it’s what barbarous men have the most of,
Then challenge yourself, mirror, defiant and careless,
For lots of our handsomest people are hairless.
Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting visitors, has only to straighten his necktie.
The balding man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair, as there’s so little of it?” “Well,” said the barber, “actually I charge very little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”
Overheard: I am not bald; I am follicly-challenged.
There is a new remedy on the market for baldness. It is made of alum and persimmon juice. While it does not grow hair, it does shrink your head to fit what hair you have remaining.
Enoch: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
Ephraim: “Thanks, I’ll never part with this!”
As Captain Jean-Luc Picard might say, “To baldly go where no man has gone before . . . !”
Overheard: “I’m not bald; I’m just a little taller than my hair.”
One advantage of being completely bald is that a person can wash his or her head with soap only - no need for the bothersome and sometimes confusing array of bottles of shampoos and conditioners. This saves you 78.71 seconds of time each day that you can now put to good use - not to mention the fact that you now no longer need to waste time in the shampoo aisle at the store trying to find a shampoo that doesn’t smell like a beautifully fragrant flower growing next to a sewage treatment plant.
Gregory Griggs, Gregory Griggs,
Had twenty-seven different wigs.
He wore them up, he wore them down,
To please the people of the town.
He wore them east, he wore them west,
And never could tell which one he liked best.
Alternatives to wigs include hats and scarves.
Riddle: Six people went swimming but only five got wet hair - why?
Answer: One of the people was bald.
People with hair loss are no different than anyone else. In fact, at one time, they probably had hair just like you do, and at some time, you yourself may have some hair loss. So, when you see a bald man, woman, or child, treat him or her just as you would want to be treated if you were in the same circumstances. And, if a person has hair loss and wears a wig or toupee or has a comb-over, or wears a scarf or hat, never say anything bad about it - in fact, it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself and leave them unsaid than it would be to hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes people do not have a choice in what happens to them, so they do as best they can to live with how their lives have turned out. Still, they too, like to 'Make Fun Of Life!' . . . and they are always welcome here.
“There’s one thing about baldness: It’s neat.” -Don Herold
Bob: What is the cure for dandruff?
“Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.” -Author Unknown
Advice to fools: Bald people are intelligent and perceptive. Do not insult them, unless you are prepared to hear remarks about how one of your ears hangs lower than the other one, or how you have a freckle shaped like an otter on your left elbow and a trio of hairy moles dancing on your neck or some other characteristic that is twenty thousand times worse than what you might imagine baldness to be.
An Old Person of Brigg
There was an old person of Brigg,
Who purchased no end of a wig;
So that only his nose,
And the end of his toes,
Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.
“Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.” -William Hague, commenting on being bald
“I seem to have developed a compulsion to powder my wig . . . about 50 times a day now . . . professionals just don’t seem to be of any help.” -Author Unknown
Baldness: An admirable trait of the ideal human being, according to minimalists and efficiency experts.
Bald people never have bad hair days.
Chris: Why are you staring at me like that?
Kelly: I was just admiring your bald spot.
Some folks say that worry causes hair loss - that when the going gets tough, the tufts get going.
Old Man of Bombay
There once was a man from Bombay
Who wore on his head a toupee.
He thought that he might
Give friends a delight
And remove his toupee for a day.
The most common method to hide a bald spot is to remove all of one’s hair, making one’s entire self a giant bald spot.
An interesting thing about male pattern baldness is that it does not appear to come in checkers or plaids or stripes . . .
“I’ve always wanted to be bald. I mean it, completely bald. Wouldn’t it be great to be bald in the rain?” -Harrison Ford
- What hair color do they put on a bald person’s driver’s license?
- If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, does he or she have to wear a hairnet?
- Is there any way to avoid the ‘chrome dome’ look, in which a bald person’s head becomes shiny and reflective?
- Should bald people pay lower taxes than other taxpayers?
- How should bald people be treated?
“The most delightful advantage to being bald: one can hear snowflakes.” -R. G. Daniels
We have been losing what little hair we still have trying to come up with more baldness and wig humor and facts - can you help us? If so, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. We have more humor and learning on a surprising variety of topics if you will just continue going down this page . . . this way to further ‘Fun & Learning’ . . . on ‘MFOL!’
“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
“A problem well stated is a problem half-solved.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))
“The best angle to approach a problem is from the try angle.” -Author Unknown
“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” -Duke Ellington (1899 - 1974)
“Every big problem was at one time a wee little disturbance.” -Author Unknown
“All life is problem solving.” -Karl Popper (1902 - 1994)
“The easiest way to solve a problem is to pick an easy one.” -Franklin P. Jones (Franklin Pierce Jones (1908 - 1980))
“Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back.” -Paul Erdos (1913 - 1996)
“What a pity human beings can’t exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow’s.” -Olin Miller (1918 - 2002)
“The solution of every problem is another problem.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
Overheard: Everything is figureoutable.
“The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.” -Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
“I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.” -Paul Anderson
“Discovery of a solution consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” -Albert Szent-Györgyi (1893 - 1986)
“A feeling of confidence and personal power comes from facing challenges and overcoming them.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Problems are the price of success.” -Branch Rickey
“. . . so it will be forever; that after every storm the Sun will smile, for every problem there is a solution, and that the soul’s indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer . . .” -William R. Alger (William Rounseville Alger (1822 - 1905)): “The School of Life” (1881), ‘Lesson of Faith,’ page 71
“It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (Ashleigh Ellwood Brilliant (born 1933))
“It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.” -John Steinbeck (John Ernst Steinbeck, Junior (1902 - 1968))
“No problem can be solved until it is reduced to some simple form. The changing of a vague difficulty into a specific, concrete form is a very essential element in thinking.” -J. P. Morgan (John Pierpont ‘J. P.’ Morgan (1837 - 1913))
“There are as many solutions as there are human beings.” -George Tooker (George Clair Tooker, Junior (1920 - 2011))
“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)
“It is no good getting furious if you get stuck. What I do is keep thinking about the problem but work on something else. Sometimes it is years before I see the way forward. In the case of information loss and black holes, it was 29 years.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking (born 1942))
“‘We have a problem.’ ‘Congratulations.’ ‘But it’s a tough problem.’ ‘Then double congratulations.’” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“The one common challenge of all humanity is the challenge of problems.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“After every difficulty, ask yourself two questions: ‘What did I do right?’ and ‘What would I do differently?’” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” -Author Unknown
“Your problems aren’t going to solve themselves, you know.” -Author Unknown
A mollusk has an elegant solution to a problem. When something irritates the lining of its shell, the mollusk responds by coating the irritant in a layer of the same material as the inside of its shell, commonly referred to as mother of pearl. The result is often the highly sought-after shiny smooth hard round object called a pearl. The problem is an irritant; the solution is a pearl. Does the mollusk teach us a lesson for dealing with problems?
“Focus on remedies, not faults.” -Jack Nicklaus (born 1940)
“Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” -Joshua J. Marine
“All problems become smaller if you don’t dodge them, but confront them.” -William F. Halsey (William Frederick ‘Bull’ Halsey (1882 - 1959))
“This problem, too, will look simple after it is solved.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“We will find the solution . . . together.” -Author Unknown
“An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities - a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity.” -Howard W. Eves
“Do not be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom.” -Earl Shoaf (similar quotation attributed to Jim Rohn)
“You are the only problem you will ever have and you are the only solution.” -Bob Proctor
“A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye, and it puts everything out of focus. Hold it at proper viewing distance, and it can be examined and classified. Throw it at your feet, and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway to eternity.” -Celia Luce
“Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.” -Carl Jung (Carl Gustav Jung)
“The best way to escape from your problem is to solve it.” -Robert Anthony
“Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.” -René Descartes (1596 - 1650): “Discours de la Methode” (1637)
“Beset by a difficult problem? Now is your chance to shine. Pick yourself up, get to work, and get triumphantly through it.” -Ralph Marston (born 1955)
“There are no problems, just challenges.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t tell me that this problem is difficult. If it wasn’t difficult, it wouldn’t be a problem.” [English translation]
“Ne me dites pas que ce problème est difficile. S’il n’était pas difficile, ce ne serait pas un problème.” [original French]
-Ferdinand Foch (Ferdinand Jean Marie Foch (1851 - 1929))
“Avoid problems, and you’ll never be the one who overcame them.” -Richard Bach (born 1936)
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” -Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923)
Overheard: All of the easy problems have already been solved.
“It’s good to remember that the tea kettle, although up to its neck in hot water, continues to sing.” -Author Unknown
“Focus on the solution, not the problem.” -Walter Anderson
“Every problem contains within itself the seeds of its own solution.” -Stanley Arnold
“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.” -Author Unknown
“When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“It isn’t that they can’t see the solution. It is that they can’t see the problem.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
“When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970)): “The Psychology of Science” (1966)
“Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.” -Henry J. Kaiser (Henry John Kaiser (1882 - 1967))
“Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles.” -Arnold Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998))
“No problem is so complicated that you cannot make it more complicated.” -Andy Grove (Andrew Stephen ‘Andy’ Grove (1936 - 2016))
“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek out problems because we need their gifts.” -Richard Bach (born 1936)
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” -Denis Waitley (born 1933)
“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” -Alan Watts (Alan Wilson Watts (1915 - 1973))
Problems worthy of attack
prove their worth by hitting back.
-Piet Hein (1905 - 1996)
“Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“The issue is not that our problems are too big but that our imaginations are too small.” -Marianne Williamson (born 1952)
“It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.” -Pope John XXIII (born Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli (1881 - 1963))
“Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“The most important thing to do in solving a problem is to begin.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)
“The first requisite for success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem incessantly without growing weary.” -Herbert Spencer
“The ‘how’ thinker gets problems solved effectively because he wastes no time with futile ‘ifs.’” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.” -Theodore N. Vail
“I am so grateful for my troubles. As I reflect back on my life, I have come to realize that my greatest triumphs have been born of my greatest troubles.” -Steve Maraboli (born 1975): “Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience” (2013)
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“To solve a problem, walk around.” -Jerome (also known as Eusebius Sophronius Hieronymus (about C.E. 347 - C.E. 420))
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . may all of your problems be funny ones . . . and all of your solutions be fun . . .
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