It turns out that real men actually can do real housework . . .
“The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they’d never clean anything.” -Dave Barry (David McAlister ‘Dave’ Barry (born 1947))
Ethan: Did you hear about the man who crossed a bale of straw with an octopus?
Ethel: Yes, he got a broom with eight handles.
Dorothy Parker was a writer and a humorist who led a very busy life. One day she was foolish enough to accept two baby alligators as a gift. She brought them home, ran a little water in the bathtub, and put them there until she could decide what to do with them. The next day, the cleaning woman came by while Parker was out. When Parker returned that evening, she found the house uncleaned and this note: “Dear Madam, I am leaving. I cannot work in a house with alligators. I would have told you this before, but I never thought the subject would come up.”
“Twenty-one percent of people do not make their beds in the morning.” -Author Unknown
Bed-Making Machine
“I’ve been thinking it over, I mean,”
Said a child to her girl-friend Irene,
“It’s a shame and a crime,
After all this long time,
No one’s built a bed-making machine.”
by Author Unknown
Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
Overheard: A clean house is a happy house!
“I keep a bowl of plastic fruit on the table in case a couple of mannequins drop in for a visit.” -Author Unknown
Dirty Dishes
Thank God for dirty dishes,
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We’ve eaten very well.
With home, health, and happiness;
I shouldn’t want to fuss.
By the stack of evidence,
God’s been very good to us.
by Author Unknown
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” -Roseanne Barr (Roseanne Cherrie Barr (born 1952))
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.” -Joan Rivers (pseudonym of Joan Alexandra Molinsky (1933 - 2014)): as quoted in Michèle Brown and Ann O’Connor, editors: “Woman Talk” (1984), ‘Work’
“Cleaning: Moving dirt from one place to another.” -Author Unknown
Why is there a light in the refrigerator and not in the freezer? Why do home refrigerators not have windows in the doors so people can look inside them without opening the doors?
“My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it.” -Dottie Archibald (Dorothy Bales ‘Dottie’ Archibald (born 1942))
Spring Cleaning
I’m really determined and keen
To start giving this house a Spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I’ll do it today . . .
Well, I’ll do it tomorrow, I mean.
by Author Unknown
“Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.” -Author Unknown
A woman admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening her husband returned home from work, walked into the kitchen, and said, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.” The woman turned to him and sweetly replied, “Well, darling, that’s why I married a college graduate.”
Fred: Why do refrigerators hum?
Ginger: Because they do not know the words.
“A new broom sweeps clean, but the old one knows the corners.” -Author Unknown
When Young Melissa Sweeps
When young Melissa sweeps a room
I vow she dances with the broom!
She curtsies in a corner brightly
And leads her partner forth politely.
Then up and down in jigs and reels,
With gold dust flying at their heels,
They caper. With a whirl or two
They make the wainscot shine like new;
They waltz beside the hearth, and quick
It brightens, shabby brick by brick.
A gay gavotte across the floor,
A Highland fling from door to door,
And every crack and corner’s clean
Enough to suit a dainty queen.
If ever you are full of gloom,
Just watch Melissa sweep a room!
by Nancy Byrd Turner (1880 - 1971)
“Housework is like stringing beads with no knot on the end.” -Author Unknown
“The washing of dishes does seem to me the most absurd and unsatisfactory business that I ever undertook. If, when once washed, they would remain clean forever and ever (which they ought in all reason to do, considering how much trouble it is), there would be less occasion to grumble; but no sooner is it done, than it requires to be done again. On the whole, I have come to the resolution not to use more than one dish at each meal.” -Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804 - 1864)
“Please Do Not Feed The Dust Bunnies.” -Author Unknown
Dust bunnies are magical. Santa’s elves make them at the North Pole during the off-season, and they are then delivered to people’s homes by the other little people: fairies, gnomes, pixies, leprechauns, and so forth, just in time for Spring cleaning.
“A house becomes a home when you can write, ‘I love you’ on the furniture.” -Author Unknown: “Dust If You Must”
A Request
Please be a dear
And do your dish here
For if you do not
The house will be wrought
With people disgusted
By the mess that’s displayed
And hence are not able
To dine at the table
For lack of clean dishes
Restricts their good wishes.
by Author Unknown
“Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.” -Author Unknown
“There were times, indeed, when the vigor she put into her work was more of a relief to her feelings than it was an ardor to efface dirt . . .” -Eleanor H. Porter (Eleanor Emily Hodgman Porter (1868 - 1920)): “Pollyanna” (1912)
Amathophobia is a persistent fear of dust. Amathophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘amathos’ meaning ‘sand’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ What is a fear of dust bunnies called?
“Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.” -Mario Buatta (1935 - 2018)
Ivy: What do you call a pretty woman using a broom?
Ivan: Sweeping beauty.
Ataxophobia is a persistent fear of disorder or untidiness. Ataxophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘taxo’ meaning ‘order’ and ‘phobia’ meaning ‘fear.’
“The meal’s complete when the kitchen’s neat.” -Author Unknown
“There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.” -Quentin Crisp (Denis Charles Pratt (1908 - 1999))
“Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.” -Anne Gibbons
“Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don’t do it.” -Author Unknown
Don’t overlook any available tongues when cleaning. Cats and dogs and other pets can lick clean food surfaces such as plates and floors; children can lick clean mixing spoons and eggbeaters.
“You sometimes see a woman who would have made a Joan of Arc in another century and climate, threshing herself to pieces over all the mean worry of housekeeping.” -Rudyard Kipling (Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936))
“I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It’s amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor.” -D. H. Lawrence (David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930))
Come on In
Although you’ll find our house a mess
Come-in - sit down - converse.
It doesn’t always look like this;
Some days it’s even worse.
by Author Unknown
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” -Erma Bombeck (Erma Louise Bombeck (1927 - 1996))
“The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.” -Agatha Christie (Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie (1890 - 1976))
“You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.” -Cecil Baxter (Cecil Richard Baxter (1922 - 2014))
“When it comes to housework, the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why.” -Katharine Whitehorn (Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928)): “Roundabout” (1962), ‘Nought for Homework’
Overheard: I got a new dishwasher today . . . I don’t know how long she will want the job.
If the shelves are dusty and the pots don’t shine,
It’s because I have better things to do with my time.
-Author Unknown
“The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.” -Author Unknown
“There may be dust in my house but there isn’t any on me.” -Author Unknown
“Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
What I Like
I like hugs
And I like kisses,
But what I really love
Is help with the dishes!
by Author Unknown
Overheard: When it comes to house cleaning, I always keep the nuclear option open.
May
Scrub and polish, - sweep and clean, -
Fling your windows wide!
See, the trees are clad in green!
Coax the Spring inside!
Home, be shining fair to-day
For the guest whose name is May!
by Louise Bennett Weaver (Louise Bennett Weaver George (1889 - 1949)) and Helen Cowles LeCron (1886 - 1963): “A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband with Bettina’s Best Recipes” (1917)
“Are you an untidy or forgetful housekeeper? Just remember this simple saying, ‘ABC - Always Be Cleaning.’” -Author Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” -Phyllis Diller (pseudonym of Phyllis Ada Driver (1917 - 2012)): as quoted in Jilly Cooper and Tom Hartman: “Violets and Vinegar” (1980), ‘I Liked You Better Smaller’
Housecleanin’ Time
Well, housecleanin’ time is with us once more;
And, landsakes alive, it’s an awful chore!
What with scrubbin’, rubbin’, and washin’ paint,
It’s not any picnic; you bet it ain’t! . . .
For it has to be done each Spring and Fall:
The attic and cellar, bedrooms and hall.
Each room, in its order, gives up its dirt,
Till I am weary and my back does hurt!
by Gertrude Tooley Buckingham (born 1880) (1940’s)
“My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.” -Bette Midler (born 1945)
“This business is ‘really cleaning up’!” -Author Unknown: owner of a successful cleaning service
“I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on the sofa than sweep underneath it. But you have to be efficient if you’re going to be lazy.” -Shirley Conran (born 1932): “Superwoman” (1975), ‘The Reason Why’
“At my house, ‘dust’ is a noun, not a verb.” -Author Unknown
“Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, ‘This isn’t a man’s job.’ ‘Oh yes it is,’ his wife retorted, quoting 2nd Kings, chapter 21, verse 13: ‘I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.’” -Tal Bonham
“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” -Marcelene Cox
“I think housework is the reason most women go to the office!” -Heloise Cruse (Ponce Kiah Marchelle Heloise Cruse Evans (born 1951))
“This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, ‘Honey, do this,’ and ‘Honey, do that,’ around the house.” -Jim Lemon (James Robert ‘Jim’ Lemon (1928 - 2006))
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” -A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956))
Overheard: I avoid cleaning my house because I get easily distracted by all of the interesting things I keep finding.
“Housekeeping ain’t no joke.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888): “Little Women” (1868), part 1, chapter 11; line spoken by cook Hannah
“Always turn out your closet light. Otherwise, you’ll get up some morning and find you can’t start your closet.” -Charles Schulz (Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz (1922 - 2000))
“An efficient homemaker is one who, after dinner, gives the children something to play with in the bathtub, namely, the dinner dishes!” -Author Unknown
“A place for everything, and everything in its place.” -Author Unknown: proverb
May the very lightness of your being have you walking on air . . . as you MFOL! each and every day . . .
“The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they’d never clean anything.” -Dave Barry (David McAlister ‘Dave’ Barry (born 1947))
Ethan: Did you hear about the man who crossed a bale of straw with an octopus?
Ethel: Yes, he got a broom with eight handles.
Dorothy Parker was a writer and a humorist who led a very busy life. One day she was foolish enough to accept two baby alligators as a gift. She brought them home, ran a little water in the bathtub, and put them there until she could decide what to do with them. The next day, the cleaning woman came by while Parker was out. When Parker returned that evening, she found the house uncleaned and this note: “Dear Madam, I am leaving. I cannot work in a house with alligators. I would have told you this before, but I never thought the subject would come up.”
“Twenty-one percent of people do not make their beds in the morning.” -Author Unknown
Bed-Making Machine
“I’ve been thinking it over, I mean,”
Said a child to her girl-friend Irene,
“It’s a shame and a crime,
After all this long time,
No one’s built a bed-making machine.”
by Author Unknown
Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
Overheard: A clean house is a happy house!
“I keep a bowl of plastic fruit on the table in case a couple of mannequins drop in for a visit.” -Author Unknown
Dirty Dishes
Thank God for dirty dishes,
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We’ve eaten very well.
With home, health, and happiness;
I shouldn’t want to fuss.
By the stack of evidence,
God’s been very good to us.
by Author Unknown
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” -Roseanne Barr (Roseanne Cherrie Barr (born 1952))
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.” -Joan Rivers (pseudonym of Joan Alexandra Molinsky (1933 - 2014)): as quoted in Michèle Brown and Ann O’Connor, editors: “Woman Talk” (1984), ‘Work’
“Cleaning: Moving dirt from one place to another.” -Author Unknown
Why is there a light in the refrigerator and not in the freezer? Why do home refrigerators not have windows in the doors so people can look inside them without opening the doors?
“My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it.” -Dottie Archibald (Dorothy Bales ‘Dottie’ Archibald (born 1942))
Spring Cleaning
I’m really determined and keen
To start giving this house a Spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I’ll do it today . . .
Well, I’ll do it tomorrow, I mean.
by Author Unknown
“Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.” -Author Unknown
A woman admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening her husband returned home from work, walked into the kitchen, and said, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.” The woman turned to him and sweetly replied, “Well, darling, that’s why I married a college graduate.”
Fred: Why do refrigerators hum?
Ginger: Because they do not know the words.
“A new broom sweeps clean, but the old one knows the corners.” -Author Unknown
When Young Melissa Sweeps
When young Melissa sweeps a room
I vow she dances with the broom!
She curtsies in a corner brightly
And leads her partner forth politely.
Then up and down in jigs and reels,
With gold dust flying at their heels,
They caper. With a whirl or two
They make the wainscot shine like new;
They waltz beside the hearth, and quick
It brightens, shabby brick by brick.
A gay gavotte across the floor,
A Highland fling from door to door,
And every crack and corner’s clean
Enough to suit a dainty queen.
If ever you are full of gloom,
Just watch Melissa sweep a room!
by Nancy Byrd Turner (1880 - 1971)
“Housework is like stringing beads with no knot on the end.” -Author Unknown
“The washing of dishes does seem to me the most absurd and unsatisfactory business that I ever undertook. If, when once washed, they would remain clean forever and ever (which they ought in all reason to do, considering how much trouble it is), there would be less occasion to grumble; but no sooner is it done, than it requires to be done again. On the whole, I have come to the resolution not to use more than one dish at each meal.” -Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804 - 1864)
“Please Do Not Feed The Dust Bunnies.” -Author Unknown
Dust bunnies are magical. Santa’s elves make them at the North Pole during the off-season, and they are then delivered to people’s homes by the other little people: fairies, gnomes, pixies, leprechauns, and so forth, just in time for Spring cleaning.
“A house becomes a home when you can write, ‘I love you’ on the furniture.” -Author Unknown: “Dust If You Must”
A Request
Please be a dear
And do your dish here
For if you do not
The house will be wrought
With people disgusted
By the mess that’s displayed
And hence are not able
To dine at the table
For lack of clean dishes
Restricts their good wishes.
by Author Unknown
“Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.” -Author Unknown
“There were times, indeed, when the vigor she put into her work was more of a relief to her feelings than it was an ardor to efface dirt . . .” -Eleanor H. Porter (Eleanor Emily Hodgman Porter (1868 - 1920)): “Pollyanna” (1912)
Amathophobia is a persistent fear of dust. Amathophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘amathos’ meaning ‘sand’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ What is a fear of dust bunnies called?
“Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.” -Mario Buatta (1935 - 2018)
Ivy: What do you call a pretty woman using a broom?
Ivan: Sweeping beauty.
Ataxophobia is a persistent fear of disorder or untidiness. Ataxophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘taxo’ meaning ‘order’ and ‘phobia’ meaning ‘fear.’
“The meal’s complete when the kitchen’s neat.” -Author Unknown
“There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.” -Quentin Crisp (Denis Charles Pratt (1908 - 1999))
“Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.” -Anne Gibbons
“Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don’t do it.” -Author Unknown
Don’t overlook any available tongues when cleaning. Cats and dogs and other pets can lick clean food surfaces such as plates and floors; children can lick clean mixing spoons and eggbeaters.
“You sometimes see a woman who would have made a Joan of Arc in another century and climate, threshing herself to pieces over all the mean worry of housekeeping.” -Rudyard Kipling (Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936))
“I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It’s amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor.” -D. H. Lawrence (David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930))
Come on In
Although you’ll find our house a mess
Come-in - sit down - converse.
It doesn’t always look like this;
Some days it’s even worse.
by Author Unknown
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” -Erma Bombeck (Erma Louise Bombeck (1927 - 1996))
“The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.” -Agatha Christie (Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie (1890 - 1976))
“You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.” -Cecil Baxter (Cecil Richard Baxter (1922 - 2014))
“When it comes to housework, the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why.” -Katharine Whitehorn (Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928)): “Roundabout” (1962), ‘Nought for Homework’
Overheard: I got a new dishwasher today . . . I don’t know how long she will want the job.
If the shelves are dusty and the pots don’t shine,
It’s because I have better things to do with my time.
-Author Unknown
“The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.” -Author Unknown
“There may be dust in my house but there isn’t any on me.” -Author Unknown
“Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
What I Like
I like hugs
And I like kisses,
But what I really love
Is help with the dishes!
by Author Unknown
Overheard: When it comes to house cleaning, I always keep the nuclear option open.
May
Scrub and polish, - sweep and clean, -
Fling your windows wide!
See, the trees are clad in green!
Coax the Spring inside!
Home, be shining fair to-day
For the guest whose name is May!
by Louise Bennett Weaver (Louise Bennett Weaver George (1889 - 1949)) and Helen Cowles LeCron (1886 - 1963): “A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband with Bettina’s Best Recipes” (1917)
“Are you an untidy or forgetful housekeeper? Just remember this simple saying, ‘ABC - Always Be Cleaning.’” -Author Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” -Phyllis Diller (pseudonym of Phyllis Ada Driver (1917 - 2012)): as quoted in Jilly Cooper and Tom Hartman: “Violets and Vinegar” (1980), ‘I Liked You Better Smaller’
Housecleanin’ Time
Well, housecleanin’ time is with us once more;
And, landsakes alive, it’s an awful chore!
What with scrubbin’, rubbin’, and washin’ paint,
It’s not any picnic; you bet it ain’t! . . .
For it has to be done each Spring and Fall:
The attic and cellar, bedrooms and hall.
Each room, in its order, gives up its dirt,
Till I am weary and my back does hurt!
by Gertrude Tooley Buckingham (born 1880) (1940’s)
“My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.” -Bette Midler (born 1945)
“This business is ‘really cleaning up’!” -Author Unknown: owner of a successful cleaning service
“I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on the sofa than sweep underneath it. But you have to be efficient if you’re going to be lazy.” -Shirley Conran (born 1932): “Superwoman” (1975), ‘The Reason Why’
“At my house, ‘dust’ is a noun, not a verb.” -Author Unknown
“Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, ‘This isn’t a man’s job.’ ‘Oh yes it is,’ his wife retorted, quoting 2nd Kings, chapter 21, verse 13: ‘I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.’” -Tal Bonham
“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” -Marcelene Cox
“I think housework is the reason most women go to the office!” -Heloise Cruse (Ponce Kiah Marchelle Heloise Cruse Evans (born 1951))
“This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, ‘Honey, do this,’ and ‘Honey, do that,’ around the house.” -Jim Lemon (James Robert ‘Jim’ Lemon (1928 - 2006))
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” -A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956))
Overheard: I avoid cleaning my house because I get easily distracted by all of the interesting things I keep finding.
“Housekeeping ain’t no joke.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888): “Little Women” (1868), part 1, chapter 11; line spoken by cook Hannah
“Always turn out your closet light. Otherwise, you’ll get up some morning and find you can’t start your closet.” -Charles Schulz (Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz (1922 - 2000))
“An efficient homemaker is one who, after dinner, gives the children something to play with in the bathtub, namely, the dinner dishes!” -Author Unknown
“A place for everything, and everything in its place.” -Author Unknown: proverb
May the very lightness of your being have you walking on air . . . as you MFOL! each and every day . . .
