“Golf is a game in which you yell, ‘Fore!’ shoot six, and write down five.” -Paul Harvey (1918 - 2009): as quoted in Jack Mingo: “Wannabe Guide to Golf” (1997)
Two men were starting a game of golf. One man stepped up to the tee, and his first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. The other man stepped up to the tee and said, “Okay, now I’ll take my practice swing and then we’ll start the game.”
A golfer walked into the pro shop at a local course and asked the golf pro if they sold ball markers. The golf pro said they did, and they were $1.00 each. The guy gave the golf pro a dollar . . . The golf pro opened the register, put the dollar in, and handed the golfer a quarter coin.
What is the origin of the word ‘caddie’? When Mary, later to become Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl, allegedly for education as well as survival, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot’s game called golf. So, for her enjoyment, he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built. To make sure she was properly chaperoned and guarded while she played, the kingly Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot, and when she returned to Scotland, which may not have been a very good idea in the long run, she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day,’ which the Scots changed to ‘caddie.’
“Caddies are people who are paid to enjoy the game of golf.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Golf balls have dimples to reduce drag, thus allowing them to fly further than perfectly smooth balls would. The dimples also give personality to the otherwise plain-looking spherical objects.
“Work: The thing that interferes with golf.” -Frank Dane
“William Howard Taft (1857 - 1930) was the first golfer to become an American President. If you work hard to improve your golf game, perhaps you too might one day become an American President.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.” -Thomas Mulligan
Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers - no, we are not making this stuff up. Cattle and chickens once played an important role in the game of golf.
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” -Jim Bishop
“One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.” -Dave Kindred
Margot: How do you fix a broken golf club?
Margaret: Try some putty.
“The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that, he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -Author Unknown: attributed to a member of the Saint Andrews Rotary Club
“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
“Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.” -Author Unknown
“Long ago, when primitive people screamed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called ‘witchcraft.’ When modern man does the same, they call it ‘golf.’” -Author Unknown
Two men were starting a game of golf. One man stepped up to the tee, and his first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. The other man stepped up to the tee and said, “Okay, now I’ll take my practice swing and then we’ll start the game.”
A golfer walked into the pro shop at a local course and asked the golf pro if they sold ball markers. The golf pro said they did, and they were $1.00 each. The guy gave the golf pro a dollar . . . The golf pro opened the register, put the dollar in, and handed the golfer a quarter coin.
What is the origin of the word ‘caddie’? When Mary, later to become Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl, allegedly for education as well as survival, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot’s game called golf. So, for her enjoyment, he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built. To make sure she was properly chaperoned and guarded while she played, the kingly Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot, and when she returned to Scotland, which may not have been a very good idea in the long run, she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day,’ which the Scots changed to ‘caddie.’
“Caddies are people who are paid to enjoy the game of golf.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Golf balls have dimples to reduce drag, thus allowing them to fly further than perfectly smooth balls would. The dimples also give personality to the otherwise plain-looking spherical objects.
“Work: The thing that interferes with golf.” -Frank Dane
“William Howard Taft (1857 - 1930) was the first golfer to become an American President. If you work hard to improve your golf game, perhaps you too might one day become an American President.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.” -Thomas Mulligan
Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers - no, we are not making this stuff up. Cattle and chickens once played an important role in the game of golf.
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” -Jim Bishop
“One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.” -Dave Kindred
Margot: How do you fix a broken golf club?
Margaret: Try some putty.
“The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that, he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -Author Unknown: attributed to a member of the Saint Andrews Rotary Club
“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
“Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.” -Author Unknown
“Long ago, when primitive people screamed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called ‘witchcraft.’ When modern man does the same, they call it ‘golf.’” -Author Unknown
“‘Play it as it lies,’ is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is, ‘Wear it if it clashes.’” -Henry Beard
“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” -Harry Vardon
Kay: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Jay: Just in case he got a hole in one.
Hole in One
A golfer who hailed from Verdun
Was intent on not being outdone.
To avoid any glitches,
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
by Author Unknown
“It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Adam: I’d move Heaven and Earth to break my 110 score.
Dan: Try moving just Heaven. You’ve already moved plenty of earth.
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” -Bob Hope (Leslie Townes Hope (1903 - 2003))
The Golfer
“Who’s that stranger, mother dear -
Look, he knows us, ain’t that queer?”
“Hush, my own, don’t talk so wild;
That’s your father, dearest child.”
“That’s my father? No such thing!
Father died away last Spring.”
“Father didn’t die, you dub;
Father joined a golfing club.
Now the place is closed, so he
Has no place to go, you see.
No place left for him to roam,
That is why he’s coming home.
Kiss him, he won’t bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild.”
by Author Unknown: as published in “Boardwalk Illustrated News”
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Laddie: What kind of shirts do golfers wear?
Lassie: Tee-shirts.
A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” -P. J. O’Rourke
Overheard: The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
“Golf: Flog spelled backwards.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.” -Ben Hogan
“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” -Harry Vardon
Kay: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Jay: Just in case he got a hole in one.
Hole in One
A golfer who hailed from Verdun
Was intent on not being outdone.
To avoid any glitches,
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
by Author Unknown
“It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Adam: I’d move Heaven and Earth to break my 110 score.
Dan: Try moving just Heaven. You’ve already moved plenty of earth.
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” -Bob Hope (Leslie Townes Hope (1903 - 2003))
The Golfer
“Who’s that stranger, mother dear -
Look, he knows us, ain’t that queer?”
“Hush, my own, don’t talk so wild;
That’s your father, dearest child.”
“That’s my father? No such thing!
Father died away last Spring.”
“Father didn’t die, you dub;
Father joined a golfing club.
Now the place is closed, so he
Has no place to go, you see.
No place left for him to roam,
That is why he’s coming home.
Kiss him, he won’t bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild.”
by Author Unknown: as published in “Boardwalk Illustrated News”
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Laddie: What kind of shirts do golfers wear?
Lassie: Tee-shirts.
A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” -P. J. O’Rourke
Overheard: The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
“Golf: Flog spelled backwards.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.” -Ben Hogan
“I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
“The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” -P. G. Wodehouse (Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (1881 - 1975))
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” -Jack Lemmon
The May 1990 issue of “Golf” magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and “Golf” magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April fool’s joke, despite its placement in the May issue. “Golf” magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.
“Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man.” -Westbrook Pegler
“When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.” -Dave Stockton
“The aim of golf is to get the ball moving down the fairway and into the green or some such fool thing - and if your aim is exceptional, to knock honking geese, flying insects, buzzing airplanes, stalking drones, and spying satellites right out of the sky.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“Misty: How golfers create divots.” -Author Unknown
“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” -William Wordsworth (1770 - 1850)
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” -Gary Player
“The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” -P. G. Wodehouse (Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (1881 - 1975))
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” -Jack Lemmon
The May 1990 issue of “Golf” magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and “Golf” magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April fool’s joke, despite its placement in the May issue. “Golf” magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.
“Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man.” -Westbrook Pegler
“When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.” -Dave Stockton
“The aim of golf is to get the ball moving down the fairway and into the green or some such fool thing - and if your aim is exceptional, to knock honking geese, flying insects, buzzing airplanes, stalking drones, and spying satellites right out of the sky.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“Misty: How golfers create divots.” -Author Unknown
“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” -William Wordsworth (1770 - 1850)
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” -Gary Player
Some people like to combine golf and messin’ with ’gators into a single sport. It can be tricky though, since alligators are known to play their game on the golf course by a completely different set of rules.
“The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.” -Sam Snead, champion professional golfer
“Golf: A long walk punctuated by disappointments.” -Author Unknown
“Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn’t find it.” -Author Unknown: overheard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot
“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.” -Grantland Rice (1880 - 1954)
“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan
“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” -Ben Hogan, referencing the Twenty-Third Psalm of the Bible
This is MFOL! . . . and we have invented our very own variation on the game of golf: we call it ‘goof’ and it is played with goofballs . . . or perhaps by goofballs . . . what’s that . . . golfers say we are not funny in the least . . .
“The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.” -Sam Snead, champion professional golfer
“Golf: A long walk punctuated by disappointments.” -Author Unknown
“Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn’t find it.” -Author Unknown: overheard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot
“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.” -Grantland Rice (1880 - 1954)
“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan
“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” -Ben Hogan, referencing the Twenty-Third Psalm of the Bible
This is MFOL! . . . and we have invented our very own variation on the game of golf: we call it ‘goof’ and it is played with goofballs . . . or perhaps by goofballs . . . what’s that . . . golfers say we are not funny in the least . . .