“What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (Ashleigh Ellwood Brilliant (born 1933))
Client, speaking to patent attorney: “I have invented a frozen pop sickle dessert treat that glows in the dark.”
Patent attorney: “Amazing! What’s the secret?”
Client: “I use the water downstream from the shiny new nuclear power plant.”
At a party for professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing because everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get a diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, “How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?” “Simple,” answered the lawyer, “I send them a bill. That stops it.” The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just done, opened his mailbox to send the bills, and inside his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))
“Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“The plaintiff and the defendant took the horns and the tail, and the lawyer drove home the cow.” -Author Unknown
“How to win a case in court: If the law is on your side, pound on the law; if the facts are on your side, pound on the facts; if neither is on your side, pound on the table.” -Author Unknown
A doctor, a dentist, and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them overboard. Unable to get back into their capsized boat, they decided that two of them would hold on while the third would swim to shore for help. The doctor volunteered. The dentist said, “There are hundreds of sharks between here and the land. You’ll get eaten.” Without further words, the attorney took off swimming toward shore. As he swam, the sharks moved aside. The dentist said, “That’s astonishing!” The doctor said, “That’s what real professional courtesy looks like.”
“Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
“Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?” -George Carlin (George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 - 2008))
“I cannot exactly tell you sir who he is and I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
A trial was about to begin. The judge asked, “Where is the defendant?” One of the jurors stood up. “I’m the defendant.” “What are you doing in the jury box?” “They brought me in with the rest of them.” The judge said, “You can’t be the defendant and be on the jury too.” The defendant smiled and said, “I figured I was a little too lucky!”
A lawyer said to one of his clients, “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate!” His client replied, “Congratulations.”
“I am not so afraid of lawyers as I used to be. They are lambs in wolf’s clothing.” -Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950)
“The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail, if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956))
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, who was an elderly grandmotherly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, you manipulate people, and you talk about people behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, slow, and he has an overeating problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench for a sidebar. In a very quiet voice, the judge said: “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I will put you in jail for contempt!”
“A judge is a lawyer who once knew a politician.” -Author Unknown
“I called my lawyer and said, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said, ‘What’s the second question?’” -Author Unknown
A man called a lawyer and asked, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions?” The lawyer said, “Thirty-eight-hundred dollars.” The man said, “That’s a lot of money, isn’t it?” The lawyer answered, “I guess so. What’s your third question?”
Judge: I sentence you to thirty years in prison.
Defendant: But, judge, I won’t live that long.
Judge: Don’t worry, just do what you can.
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included itemized hourly billings for phone calls, research, conferences, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all . . . $7,615.00.
Jimbo: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Bubba: None; they would rather keep their clients in the dark.
“I’m not an ambulance chaser; I’m usually there before the ambulance.” -Melvin Belli (1907 - 1996)
Mr. Barnaby was in trouble again, and the judge asked him if he was guilty or not guilty. “Guilty, sir, I think - but I’d rather be tried so as to be sure of it.”
Have you heard about the woman who sued a restaurant after spilling a hot cup of tea on her leg and getting badly burned? The judge dismissed the case after ruling that it was only a tea-knee problem and therefore not worth the court’s consideration.
“In law, nothing is certain but the expense.” -Samuel Butler
Interviewer: And what do you do, sir?
Lawyer: I’m a criminal lawyer.
Interviewer: Aren’t they all!
Have you heard about the lawyer’s computer? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
Lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
“Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker, the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.” -Abraham Lincoln (Abraham ‘Abe’ Lincoln (1809 - 1865))
Judge Willis: What do you suppose I am on the bench for, Mr. Smith?
F. E. Smith: It is not for me, Your Honor, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.
“Lawyer: 1. A person who takes this from that, with the result that That hath not where to lay his head. 2. An unnecessary evil. 3. The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Roycroft Dictionary and Book of Epigrams” (1923)
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they ‘garnish’ his wages?
“This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Junior (1841 - 1935)
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?” Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. “No, no,” one replied. “We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.”
“It is a secret worth knowing that lawyers rarely go to law.” -Moses V. Crowell
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865), the man who would eventually become a President of the United States of America, never passed a bar exam. He was a self-taught lawyer, spending many hours reading books on the law in a time and place in which law schools were not as common as today. He received his license to practice law simply by appearing before a court and having someone testify as to the soundness of his character.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
“Lawyer: one skilled in the circumvention of the law.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
“Sue a beggar and get a louse.” -John Clarke
“An appeal, Hennessey, is when you ask one court to show contempt for another court.” -Finley Peter Dunne [paraphrased in standard English]
“An appeal, Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show its contempt f’r another coort.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936): “Mr. Dooley Says” (1907), ‘The Big Fine’ [as originally worded]
“I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))
Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” -Norm Crosby (Norman Lawrence ‘Norm’ Crosby (1927 - 2020))
“The law protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer.” -Author Unknown
“Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger.” -Marcus Valerius Martialis (also known as Martial (between C.E. 38 and C.E. 41 - between C.E. 102 and C.E. 104))
“There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, D.C. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people.” -Sandra Day O’Connor
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?
Defendant: Oral.
“A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.” -Author Unknown
Signs You Might Be a Lawyer
-You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
-You believe that a forty-word-sentence is a short one.
-When your spouse says “I love you,” you cross-examine him or her.
-You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it is verbal or written.
-You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
-When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
Lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
“It is better to exist unknown to the law.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
“We should be thankful for lawyers. If we didn’t have them, who would get us out of the trouble they got us into?” -Author Unknown
Al: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
Len: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “Were you alone or by yourself?”
“The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a ‘brief.’” -Franz Kafka (1883 - 1924)
A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“If it weren’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.” -A. K. Griffin
Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
Witness: “None.”
Lawyer: “Were there any girls?”
Overheard: I have a brilliant attorney - the other day he got a parking ticket reduced to a charge of treason!
Lawyer: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
Defendant: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
“Talk is cheap - until you hire a lawyer.” -Author Unknown
A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
Fun fact: People are not required to be lawyers to become United States Supreme Court Justices.
“It is an honorable calling that you have chosen. Some of you will soon be defending poor, helpless insurance companies who are constantly being sued by greedy, vicious widows and orphans trying to collect on their policies. Others will work tirelessly to protect frightened, beleaguered oil companies from being attacked by depraved consumer groups.” -Art Buchwald: commencement address at Tulane University School of Law (13 May 1979)
“Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.” -Charles Lamb (1775 - 1834)
“A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.” -Henry Peter Brougham (also known as Lord Brougham (1778 - 1868))
Lawyer: “Can you describe the individual?”
Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Lawyer: “Was this person a man or a woman?”
“A lawyer will do anything to win a case; sometimes he will even tell the truth.” -Patrick Murray
“Lawyer: The larval stage of a politician.” -Author Unknown
Mr. Morris needed a lawyer, so he looked at the telephone directory and picked out a law firm called ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz.’ He called up and said, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?” The man said, “No, he’s out playing golf.” Morris said, “All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s not with the firm any more, he’s retired.” “Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s away in Boston, and won’t be back for a month.” “Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz.” He said, “Speaking!”
“Lawyers: Persons with a limited knowledge of laws and a flair for the dramatic, who otherwise might have been barbers.” -Author Unknown
Lawyer: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
Witness: “No, this is just how I usually dress when I go to work.”
“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963)): as quoted in “Kentucky State Bar Journal” (1962)
“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
And then there’s the one about the man who got sued by a lawyer . . . for telling a lawyer joke - we’re kidding!
Client, speaking to patent attorney: “I have invented a frozen pop sickle dessert treat that glows in the dark.”
Patent attorney: “Amazing! What’s the secret?”
Client: “I use the water downstream from the shiny new nuclear power plant.”
At a party for professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing because everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get a diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, “How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?” “Simple,” answered the lawyer, “I send them a bill. That stops it.” The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just done, opened his mailbox to send the bills, and inside his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))
“Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“The plaintiff and the defendant took the horns and the tail, and the lawyer drove home the cow.” -Author Unknown
“How to win a case in court: If the law is on your side, pound on the law; if the facts are on your side, pound on the facts; if neither is on your side, pound on the table.” -Author Unknown
A doctor, a dentist, and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them overboard. Unable to get back into their capsized boat, they decided that two of them would hold on while the third would swim to shore for help. The doctor volunteered. The dentist said, “There are hundreds of sharks between here and the land. You’ll get eaten.” Without further words, the attorney took off swimming toward shore. As he swam, the sharks moved aside. The dentist said, “That’s astonishing!” The doctor said, “That’s what real professional courtesy looks like.”
“Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
“Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?” -George Carlin (George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 - 2008))
“I cannot exactly tell you sir who he is and I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
A trial was about to begin. The judge asked, “Where is the defendant?” One of the jurors stood up. “I’m the defendant.” “What are you doing in the jury box?” “They brought me in with the rest of them.” The judge said, “You can’t be the defendant and be on the jury too.” The defendant smiled and said, “I figured I was a little too lucky!”
A lawyer said to one of his clients, “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate!” His client replied, “Congratulations.”
“I am not so afraid of lawyers as I used to be. They are lambs in wolf’s clothing.” -Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950)
“The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail, if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956))
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, who was an elderly grandmotherly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, you manipulate people, and you talk about people behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, slow, and he has an overeating problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench for a sidebar. In a very quiet voice, the judge said: “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I will put you in jail for contempt!”
“A judge is a lawyer who once knew a politician.” -Author Unknown
“I called my lawyer and said, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said, ‘What’s the second question?’” -Author Unknown
A man called a lawyer and asked, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions?” The lawyer said, “Thirty-eight-hundred dollars.” The man said, “That’s a lot of money, isn’t it?” The lawyer answered, “I guess so. What’s your third question?”
Judge: I sentence you to thirty years in prison.
Defendant: But, judge, I won’t live that long.
Judge: Don’t worry, just do what you can.
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included itemized hourly billings for phone calls, research, conferences, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all . . . $7,615.00.
Jimbo: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Bubba: None; they would rather keep their clients in the dark.
“I’m not an ambulance chaser; I’m usually there before the ambulance.” -Melvin Belli (1907 - 1996)
Mr. Barnaby was in trouble again, and the judge asked him if he was guilty or not guilty. “Guilty, sir, I think - but I’d rather be tried so as to be sure of it.”
Have you heard about the woman who sued a restaurant after spilling a hot cup of tea on her leg and getting badly burned? The judge dismissed the case after ruling that it was only a tea-knee problem and therefore not worth the court’s consideration.
“In law, nothing is certain but the expense.” -Samuel Butler
Interviewer: And what do you do, sir?
Lawyer: I’m a criminal lawyer.
Interviewer: Aren’t they all!
Have you heard about the lawyer’s computer? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
Lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
“Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker, the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.” -Abraham Lincoln (Abraham ‘Abe’ Lincoln (1809 - 1865))
Judge Willis: What do you suppose I am on the bench for, Mr. Smith?
F. E. Smith: It is not for me, Your Honor, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.
“Lawyer: 1. A person who takes this from that, with the result that That hath not where to lay his head. 2. An unnecessary evil. 3. The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Roycroft Dictionary and Book of Epigrams” (1923)
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they ‘garnish’ his wages?
“This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Junior (1841 - 1935)
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?” Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. “No, no,” one replied. “We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.”
“It is a secret worth knowing that lawyers rarely go to law.” -Moses V. Crowell
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865), the man who would eventually become a President of the United States of America, never passed a bar exam. He was a self-taught lawyer, spending many hours reading books on the law in a time and place in which law schools were not as common as today. He received his license to practice law simply by appearing before a court and having someone testify as to the soundness of his character.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
“Lawyer: one skilled in the circumvention of the law.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
“Sue a beggar and get a louse.” -John Clarke
“An appeal, Hennessey, is when you ask one court to show contempt for another court.” -Finley Peter Dunne [paraphrased in standard English]
“An appeal, Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show its contempt f’r another coort.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936): “Mr. Dooley Says” (1907), ‘The Big Fine’ [as originally worded]
“I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))
Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” -Norm Crosby (Norman Lawrence ‘Norm’ Crosby (1927 - 2020))
“The law protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer.” -Author Unknown
“Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger.” -Marcus Valerius Martialis (also known as Martial (between C.E. 38 and C.E. 41 - between C.E. 102 and C.E. 104))
“There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, D.C. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people.” -Sandra Day O’Connor
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?
Defendant: Oral.
“A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.” -Author Unknown
Signs You Might Be a Lawyer
-You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
-You believe that a forty-word-sentence is a short one.
-When your spouse says “I love you,” you cross-examine him or her.
-You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it is verbal or written.
-You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
-When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
Lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
“It is better to exist unknown to the law.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
“We should be thankful for lawyers. If we didn’t have them, who would get us out of the trouble they got us into?” -Author Unknown
Al: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
Len: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “Were you alone or by yourself?”
“The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a ‘brief.’” -Franz Kafka (1883 - 1924)
A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“If it weren’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.” -A. K. Griffin
Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
Witness: “None.”
Lawyer: “Were there any girls?”
Overheard: I have a brilliant attorney - the other day he got a parking ticket reduced to a charge of treason!
Lawyer: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
Defendant: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
“Talk is cheap - until you hire a lawyer.” -Author Unknown
A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
Fun fact: People are not required to be lawyers to become United States Supreme Court Justices.
“It is an honorable calling that you have chosen. Some of you will soon be defending poor, helpless insurance companies who are constantly being sued by greedy, vicious widows and orphans trying to collect on their policies. Others will work tirelessly to protect frightened, beleaguered oil companies from being attacked by depraved consumer groups.” -Art Buchwald: commencement address at Tulane University School of Law (13 May 1979)
“Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.” -Charles Lamb (1775 - 1834)
“A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.” -Henry Peter Brougham (also known as Lord Brougham (1778 - 1868))
Lawyer: “Can you describe the individual?”
Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Lawyer: “Was this person a man or a woman?”
“A lawyer will do anything to win a case; sometimes he will even tell the truth.” -Patrick Murray
“Lawyer: The larval stage of a politician.” -Author Unknown
Mr. Morris needed a lawyer, so he looked at the telephone directory and picked out a law firm called ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz.’ He called up and said, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?” The man said, “No, he’s out playing golf.” Morris said, “All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s not with the firm any more, he’s retired.” “Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s away in Boston, and won’t be back for a month.” “Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz.” He said, “Speaking!”
“Lawyers: Persons with a limited knowledge of laws and a flair for the dramatic, who otherwise might have been barbers.” -Author Unknown
Lawyer: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
Witness: “No, this is just how I usually dress when I go to work.”
“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963)): as quoted in “Kentucky State Bar Journal” (1962)
“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
And then there’s the one about the man who got sued by a lawyer . . . for telling a lawyer joke - we’re kidding!
