“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985))
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo, who?
Cargo, “Beep, beep!”
During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?” “No,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one.” “Yes, he does,” answered the officer. “But,” protested the driver, “I always do all the driving.”
Child: Mom, what happens to a car when it is too old to run anymore?
Mother: Someone sells it to your father.
Reckless automobile driving arouses the suspicion that much of the horse sense of the good old days was possessed by the horse. The reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse-and-buggy era was that the driver did not depend wholly on his own judgement.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.” -Dudley Moore
Sammy: Why couldn’t the rooster buy a car?
Amy: Because he couldn’t scratch up enough money.
In 1894, there were only four automobiles in the United States of America. Imagine the traffic jams, or rather, the lack thereof!
A man in his beat-up old car drove up to a tollbooth. The toll collector said, “Two dollars.” The vehicle owner said, “Sold!”
“I’ve found that an overlooked psychological factor contributing to auto accidents is the driver’s dislike for his car.” -Sheldon Zigelbaum
Neil: Which traffic light is the bravest?
Nell: The one that doesn’t turn yellow.
“Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel and need no special parking facilities.” -Lewis Mumford
“Law of Driver Impatience: If you change lanes because traffic seems to be moving too slow and you are impatient, the lane you were in will start to move faster than the one you have moved to.” -Author Unknown
“Another often-overlooked benefit of the introduction of the automobile is the resulting decrease in horse stealing.” -Author Unknown
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”
Clementine: What kind of country would this be if everyone drove a pink car?
Lemuel: A pink carnation!
A man was having trouble with his new car. He had added a carburetor that saved 30 percent on gas, a timer that saved 50 percent on gas, and spark plugs that saved 30 percent on gas. The trouble started when he drove ten miles and the gas tank overflowed.
Mercy: How many sides does a stop sign have?
Piercy: Being octagons, stop signs have eight sides. (Alternative answer: Two: front and back, with eight ‘edges.’)
Mini Caught Speeding at Mach 3. A Belgian motorist has been sent a speeding ticket for traveling at 3,379 kilometers (2,100 miles) per hour. The ticket claimed he had been caught doing Mach 3 in his Mini in a Brussels city suburb. Police have apologized for the mistake, and have blamed a faulty radar. They said human error was to blame for sending out the ticket, even though it was clear the man’s car could not have been traveling at three times the speed of sound.
Glenn: Have you heard about the vehicle that runs on water?
Logan: Yes, I believe it is called a sailboat.
“Some people just don’t know how to drive. I call these people, ‘Everybody but me.’” -Author Unknown
“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” -Noelie Altito
“Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, I realize there is a reason the rearview mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. Where you are headed is so much more important than what you have left behind.” -Author Unknown
Neoautodentaphobia is a persistent fear of getting a dent in your new car.
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not run a red light,’ five hundred times.”
Riddle: What has ten letters and starts with g-a-s?
Solution: An ‘automobile.’
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the clerk handed him a receipt for paying his traffic fine. “Keep it,” the clerk advised. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Wally: What part of a vehicle causes the most accidents?
Wallace: A loose screw in the nut located just behind the steering wheel.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen - it said, ‘Parking Fine.’” -Tommy Cooper
Deborah: How many dinosaurs will fit into a small car?
Debby: I don’t know, but sixteen small cars will fit into a dinosaur!
“The car has become . . . an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete.” -Marshall McLuhan: “Understanding Media” (1964)
Millicent: Where do vehicles get the most flat tires?
Milford: Where there is a fork in the road.
Bumper Sticker: If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
Darlene: What model car is that you’re driving?
Darin: Well, it’s not so much a model as it is a bad example.
Motorist: Someone who keeps pedestrians in good running order.
“We are not proving ourselves spiritually worthy of our material progress. We have not been neighborly, courteous, and kind upon the highway. Our lack of decency toward our fellow men is a definite black mark against us.” -Cary T. Grayson
Pierce: Where can you drive without a license?
Morgan: On a golf course.
“Driving: Flying through the air while making intermittent contact with the road surface.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” -Author Unknown
Red Light: The place where you catch up with the motorist who passed you going 80 miles per hour a mile back.
Libby: What happened when the wheel was invented?
Lovey: It caused a ‘revolution.’
“What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise, can you imagine the awful screeching?” -Samuel Hoffenstein
Have you heard about the guy who was T-boned while making a U-turn on an S-Curve? He got an ‘A’ for being in an accident.
Percival: What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
Priscilla: A screwdriver.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.” -Author Unknown
Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie Bear: I took a correspondence course.
-Jerry Juhl and Jack Burns
Sing While You Drive
At 45 miles per hour, sing:
“Highways are Happy Ways.”
At 55 miles per hour, sing:
“I’m But a Stranger Here, Heaven is My Home.”
At 65 miles per hour, sing:
“Nearer, My God, to Thee!”
At 75 miles per hour, sing:
“When the Roll is Called Up Yonder, I’ll Be There.”
At 85 miles per hour, sing:
“Lord, I’m Coming Home.”
by Author Unknown
“Never buy a car you can’t push.” -Author Unknown
“The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key.” -Edward Abbey
Devon: How do you avoid being driven crazy?
Irving: Walk.
“The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Self-Reliance” (1841)
A woman who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She did not have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?” “Yes, I do, officer,” she replied. “Well,” asked the officer, “do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?”
“Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.” -Author Unknown
“Aerodynamics are for people who cannot build engines.” -Enzo Ferrari
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called ‘rush hour’?
Safety Belts
Safety belts, safety belts,
Wear them all the way!
Every time you’re in the car,
Every night and day, oh!
Safety belts, safety belts,
Wear them round your lap!
Then before you start to ride,
Everybody snap!
by Author Unknown, can be sung to the same tune as that of “Jingle Bells”
A man was driving along in his car when his wife called him on his cell phone. “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news that there’s a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.” The man replied, “Only one - are you kidding? There must be hundreds of them!”
If someone can’t operate a turn-signal properly, what makes that person think that he or she can operate the whole car?
Jill’s car was unreliable, and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” he asked. “My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?” “Where are you?” John asked. “I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded. “And where’s the car?” John asked. Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”
Jenny: What is the difference between a car and a cow?
Jennifer: A car only has one horn.
“What if you steered your vehicle with your feet, and the brakes and accelerator were controlled by your hands?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and both of them could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I am sure we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have injured us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, my goodness, am I driving?”
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
“When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.” -Larry Lujack
Fools Indeed
What fools indeed we mortals are
To lavish care upon a car,
With ne’er a bit of time to see
About our own machinery!
by John Kendrick Bangs (1862 - 1922)
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” -Author Unknown
“Consider the man on horseback, and I have been a man on horseback for most of my life. Well, mostly he is a good man, but there is a change in him as soon as he mounts. Every man on horseback is an arrogant man, however gentle he may be on foot. The man in the automobile is one thousand times as dangerous. I tell you, it will engender absolute selfishness in mankind if the driving of automobiles becomes common. It will breed violence on a scale never seen before. It will mark the end of the family as we know it, the three or four generations living happily in one home. It will destroy the sense of neighborhood and the true sense of Nation. It will create giganticized cankers of cities, false opulence of suburbs, ruinized countryside, and unhealthy conglomerations of specialized farming and manufacturing. It will make every man a tyrant.” -R. A. Lafferty: “Interurban Queen” (1970), a short story set in the late 1800’s
“A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.” -Robert Brault
A man was driving down a lonely country road when it began to snow heavily. His car windows fogged up and the windshield became covered with snow, but his wiper blades were badly worn, and consequently they soon fell apart. The man could not see out of the front of his car anymore and he could not continue to drive, so he stopped the car. Then he got out and started to turn over some large rocks that he found alongside the road. Finally, he found two frozen snakes under the rocks. He straightened them out, stuck them flat onto his blades, and they worked just fine. He was able to continue on his way thanks to his pair of wind-chilled vipers.
Denise: When do you go on red and stop on green?
Denny: When you are eating a watermelon.
“Primitives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.” -Mary Ellen Kelly
Amazingly, the brilliant-yet-quirky physicist Albert Einstein never learned how to drive a car. He was, however, an enthusiastic bicyclist and walker. Other famous people who never learned how to drive include science-fiction writer Ray Bradbury, actress Mae West, and American President Woodrow Wilson. There are many well-known non-drivers - in fact, too many to list in the space allotted to this topic.
Stoplight: A place where the cautious and the reckless meet.
Motorists, here is how you can avoid being prosecuted for using your cell phone while driving. Simply place your phone inside a large seashell, and the police will think that you are listening to the sound of the ocean as you drive.
“A tree never hits an automobile - except in self-defense.” -Author Unknown
This is MFOL! . . . vrmmm-vrmmm! . . . beep, beep! . . .
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo, who?
Cargo, “Beep, beep!”
During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?” “No,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one.” “Yes, he does,” answered the officer. “But,” protested the driver, “I always do all the driving.”
Child: Mom, what happens to a car when it is too old to run anymore?
Mother: Someone sells it to your father.
Reckless automobile driving arouses the suspicion that much of the horse sense of the good old days was possessed by the horse. The reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse-and-buggy era was that the driver did not depend wholly on his own judgement.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.” -Dudley Moore
Sammy: Why couldn’t the rooster buy a car?
Amy: Because he couldn’t scratch up enough money.
In 1894, there were only four automobiles in the United States of America. Imagine the traffic jams, or rather, the lack thereof!
A man in his beat-up old car drove up to a tollbooth. The toll collector said, “Two dollars.” The vehicle owner said, “Sold!”
“I’ve found that an overlooked psychological factor contributing to auto accidents is the driver’s dislike for his car.” -Sheldon Zigelbaum
Neil: Which traffic light is the bravest?
Nell: The one that doesn’t turn yellow.
“Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel and need no special parking facilities.” -Lewis Mumford
“Law of Driver Impatience: If you change lanes because traffic seems to be moving too slow and you are impatient, the lane you were in will start to move faster than the one you have moved to.” -Author Unknown
“Another often-overlooked benefit of the introduction of the automobile is the resulting decrease in horse stealing.” -Author Unknown
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”
Clementine: What kind of country would this be if everyone drove a pink car?
Lemuel: A pink carnation!
A man was having trouble with his new car. He had added a carburetor that saved 30 percent on gas, a timer that saved 50 percent on gas, and spark plugs that saved 30 percent on gas. The trouble started when he drove ten miles and the gas tank overflowed.
Mercy: How many sides does a stop sign have?
Piercy: Being octagons, stop signs have eight sides. (Alternative answer: Two: front and back, with eight ‘edges.’)
Mini Caught Speeding at Mach 3. A Belgian motorist has been sent a speeding ticket for traveling at 3,379 kilometers (2,100 miles) per hour. The ticket claimed he had been caught doing Mach 3 in his Mini in a Brussels city suburb. Police have apologized for the mistake, and have blamed a faulty radar. They said human error was to blame for sending out the ticket, even though it was clear the man’s car could not have been traveling at three times the speed of sound.
Glenn: Have you heard about the vehicle that runs on water?
Logan: Yes, I believe it is called a sailboat.
“Some people just don’t know how to drive. I call these people, ‘Everybody but me.’” -Author Unknown
“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” -Noelie Altito
“Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, I realize there is a reason the rearview mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. Where you are headed is so much more important than what you have left behind.” -Author Unknown
Neoautodentaphobia is a persistent fear of getting a dent in your new car.
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not run a red light,’ five hundred times.”
Riddle: What has ten letters and starts with g-a-s?
Solution: An ‘automobile.’
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the clerk handed him a receipt for paying his traffic fine. “Keep it,” the clerk advised. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Wally: What part of a vehicle causes the most accidents?
Wallace: A loose screw in the nut located just behind the steering wheel.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen - it said, ‘Parking Fine.’” -Tommy Cooper
Deborah: How many dinosaurs will fit into a small car?
Debby: I don’t know, but sixteen small cars will fit into a dinosaur!
“The car has become . . . an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete.” -Marshall McLuhan: “Understanding Media” (1964)
Millicent: Where do vehicles get the most flat tires?
Milford: Where there is a fork in the road.
Bumper Sticker: If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
Darlene: What model car is that you’re driving?
Darin: Well, it’s not so much a model as it is a bad example.
Motorist: Someone who keeps pedestrians in good running order.
“We are not proving ourselves spiritually worthy of our material progress. We have not been neighborly, courteous, and kind upon the highway. Our lack of decency toward our fellow men is a definite black mark against us.” -Cary T. Grayson
Pierce: Where can you drive without a license?
Morgan: On a golf course.
“Driving: Flying through the air while making intermittent contact with the road surface.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” -Author Unknown
Red Light: The place where you catch up with the motorist who passed you going 80 miles per hour a mile back.
Libby: What happened when the wheel was invented?
Lovey: It caused a ‘revolution.’
“What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise, can you imagine the awful screeching?” -Samuel Hoffenstein
Have you heard about the guy who was T-boned while making a U-turn on an S-Curve? He got an ‘A’ for being in an accident.
Percival: What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
Priscilla: A screwdriver.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.” -Author Unknown
Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie Bear: I took a correspondence course.
-Jerry Juhl and Jack Burns
Sing While You Drive
At 45 miles per hour, sing:
“Highways are Happy Ways.”
At 55 miles per hour, sing:
“I’m But a Stranger Here, Heaven is My Home.”
At 65 miles per hour, sing:
“Nearer, My God, to Thee!”
At 75 miles per hour, sing:
“When the Roll is Called Up Yonder, I’ll Be There.”
At 85 miles per hour, sing:
“Lord, I’m Coming Home.”
by Author Unknown
“Never buy a car you can’t push.” -Author Unknown
“The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key.” -Edward Abbey
Devon: How do you avoid being driven crazy?
Irving: Walk.
“The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Self-Reliance” (1841)
A woman who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She did not have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?” “Yes, I do, officer,” she replied. “Well,” asked the officer, “do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?”
“Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.” -Author Unknown
“Aerodynamics are for people who cannot build engines.” -Enzo Ferrari
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called ‘rush hour’?
Safety Belts
Safety belts, safety belts,
Wear them all the way!
Every time you’re in the car,
Every night and day, oh!
Safety belts, safety belts,
Wear them round your lap!
Then before you start to ride,
Everybody snap!
by Author Unknown, can be sung to the same tune as that of “Jingle Bells”
A man was driving along in his car when his wife called him on his cell phone. “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news that there’s a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.” The man replied, “Only one - are you kidding? There must be hundreds of them!”
If someone can’t operate a turn-signal properly, what makes that person think that he or she can operate the whole car?
Jill’s car was unreliable, and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” he asked. “My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?” “Where are you?” John asked. “I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded. “And where’s the car?” John asked. Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”
Jenny: What is the difference between a car and a cow?
Jennifer: A car only has one horn.
“What if you steered your vehicle with your feet, and the brakes and accelerator were controlled by your hands?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and both of them could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I am sure we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have injured us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, my goodness, am I driving?”
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
“When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.” -Larry Lujack
Fools Indeed
What fools indeed we mortals are
To lavish care upon a car,
With ne’er a bit of time to see
About our own machinery!
by John Kendrick Bangs (1862 - 1922)
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” -Author Unknown
“Consider the man on horseback, and I have been a man on horseback for most of my life. Well, mostly he is a good man, but there is a change in him as soon as he mounts. Every man on horseback is an arrogant man, however gentle he may be on foot. The man in the automobile is one thousand times as dangerous. I tell you, it will engender absolute selfishness in mankind if the driving of automobiles becomes common. It will breed violence on a scale never seen before. It will mark the end of the family as we know it, the three or four generations living happily in one home. It will destroy the sense of neighborhood and the true sense of Nation. It will create giganticized cankers of cities, false opulence of suburbs, ruinized countryside, and unhealthy conglomerations of specialized farming and manufacturing. It will make every man a tyrant.” -R. A. Lafferty: “Interurban Queen” (1970), a short story set in the late 1800’s
“A commuter tie-up consists of you - and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.” -Robert Brault
A man was driving down a lonely country road when it began to snow heavily. His car windows fogged up and the windshield became covered with snow, but his wiper blades were badly worn, and consequently they soon fell apart. The man could not see out of the front of his car anymore and he could not continue to drive, so he stopped the car. Then he got out and started to turn over some large rocks that he found alongside the road. Finally, he found two frozen snakes under the rocks. He straightened them out, stuck them flat onto his blades, and they worked just fine. He was able to continue on his way thanks to his pair of wind-chilled vipers.
Denise: When do you go on red and stop on green?
Denny: When you are eating a watermelon.
“Primitives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.” -Mary Ellen Kelly
Amazingly, the brilliant-yet-quirky physicist Albert Einstein never learned how to drive a car. He was, however, an enthusiastic bicyclist and walker. Other famous people who never learned how to drive include science-fiction writer Ray Bradbury, actress Mae West, and American President Woodrow Wilson. There are many well-known non-drivers - in fact, too many to list in the space allotted to this topic.
Stoplight: A place where the cautious and the reckless meet.
Motorists, here is how you can avoid being prosecuted for using your cell phone while driving. Simply place your phone inside a large seashell, and the police will think that you are listening to the sound of the ocean as you drive.
“A tree never hits an automobile - except in self-defense.” -Author Unknown
This is MFOL! . . . vrmmm-vrmmm! . . . beep, beep! . . .
