Make Fun Of Life!

Ode to Stew

4/19/2022

Ode to Stew

I surely never hope to view
     A steak as luscious as a stew.
The latter is the tasty goal
     Of elements in perfect whole,
A mad assemblage of legumes
     Exuding warm ambrosial fumes,
Each seasoning of proper length,
     Proving in Union there’s strength.
A steak is grander, it is true,
     Yet needs no special skill to brew.
It is an art a stew to make,
     But anyone can broil a steak.

by Author Unknown

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The Roast Beef of Old England

4/18/2022

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Picture of a dinner plate with scalloped potatoes topped with bits of green chives, orange carrots, wide flat pasta noodles, brown gravy, and slices of roast beef.

The Roast Beef of Old England

When mighty Roast Beef was the Englishman’s food,
It ennobled our veins and enriched our blood.
Our soldiers were brave and our courtiers were good
     Oh! the Roast Beef of old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

But since we have learnt from all-vapouring France
To eat their ragouts as well as to dance,
We’re fed up with nothing but vain complaisance
     Oh! the Roast Beef of Old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

Our fathers of old were robust, stout, and strong,
And kept open house, with good cheer all day long,
Which made their plump tenants rejoice in this song -
     Oh! The Roast Beef of old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

But now we are dwindled to, what shall I name?
A sneaking poor race, half-begotten and tame,
Who sully the honours that once shone in fame.
     Oh! the Roast Beef of Old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

When good Queen Elizabeth sat on the throne,
Ere coffee, or tea, or such slip-slops were known,
The world was in terror if e’er she did frown.
     Oh! The Roast Beef of old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

In those days, if Fleets did presume on the Main,
They seldom, or never, return’d back again,
As witness, the Vaunting Armada of Spain.
     Oh! The Roast Beef of Old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

Oh then we had stomachs to eat and to fight
And when wrongs were cooking to do ourselves right.
But now we’re a . . . I could, but goodnight!
     Oh! the Roast Beef of Old England,
     And old English Roast Beef!

by Henry Fielding: “The Grub Street Opera” (1731), Act iii, scene 2

Henry Fielding was born on 22 April 1707 in Sharpham, Somerset, England. He became a novelist, a dramatist, and an essayist. He is known for his humor and satire, and as the writer of the novel, “The History of Tom Jones, A Foundling” (1749). Aside from his literary achievements, he has a significant place in the history of law-enforcement, having founded in 1749 what some have called London’s first police force, the Bow Street Runners, using his authority as a magistrate. Henry Fielding passed on at 47 years of age on 8 October 1754 in Lisbon, Kingdom of Portugal.

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Restaurants and Eateries

1/8/2022

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Picture of a man holding a sign reading ‘Fish and Chips’ with an arrow on it pointing to a restaurant location.

Drive-through customer: “I would like a plain cheeseburger.”
Drive-through order-taker: “Would you like cheese on that?”

Friends Al and Bert went to a Chinese restaurant, where they ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as Al was about to serve himself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and he briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down. “Good grief, did you see that?” he asked Bert. He did not, so Al asked him to look in the pot. Bert reached for it, and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down. Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what had happened, and demanded an explanation. “Please, sir,” stammered the waiter, “what did you order?” Bert replied, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah! So sorry, my mistake,” said the waiter. “I brought you Peeking Duck!”

Customer: I am so hungry that I could eat a horse.
Waiter: Well, you have certainly come to the right place.

Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my peach cobbler.
Waitress: Yes, sir. It is a fruit fly.

A guy was down on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, “Big Red Lobster Tales $5 Each.” Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, “$5 each for lobster tails - is that correct?” “Yes,” she said, “it is our special just for today.” “Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.” “No,” she replied, “It is the really big lobster.” “Are you sure they are not green lobster tails, and a little bit tough?” “No,” she said, “it is the really big red lobster.” “Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said with amazement. “They must be old lobster tails.” “No, they are definitely today’s.” “Today’s big red lobster tails, for $5 each?” he repeated, astounded. “Yes,” she insisted. “Well, here is my five dollars,” he said, “I will take one.” She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster . . .”

Waiter: Would you like anything to drink?
Customer: Yes, a diet water, please.

“One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the restaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less that the staff has to do, the slower they do it.” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986))

Lucille: What is egomaniacal, dresses in a funny costume, and works in a restaurant?
Lucinda: Darth Waiter.

Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Looks like it is learning to swim, sir.

“You name it, we will make it!” declared a big sign outside a new restaurant. “There is no food we cannot make for you!” “Excuse me sir,” said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like, please, a garden salad with Russian dressing.” “Russian dressing?! I have never even heard of Russian dressing! What are we going to give this guy?” shouted the head cook. “Do not worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I will take care of everything, you just make the salad.” And that is how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big garden salad and a newspaper picture of a Russian businessman knotting his necktie.

Customer: Waiter, there is a small slug in my salad.
Waiter: I am sorry - would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

A guy walked into a restaurant and ordered eggs. The waitress said, “How would you like those eggs cooked?” The guy said, “That would be great.”

Customer: Waitress, there is a caterpillar in my salad.
Waitress: Yes, ma’am, there is no extra charge.

Fried chicken is the most popular meal ordered in full-service (not fast-food) restaurants in the United States of America. The next in popularity is roast beef, followed by spaghetti, turkey, baked ham, and fried shrimp.

Customer: Have you any wild duck?
Waitress: No, but we can take a tame one and annoy him for you.

“I’d probably be famous now if I wasn’t such a good waitress.” -Jane Siberry

Customer: Waiter, you have your thumb on my steak!
Waiter: Well, I did not want it to fall on the floor again, sir.

A truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. “Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup - are they foreign objects?” She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here - they are strictly locals.”

Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my salad!
Waiter: No, ma’am, that is our last customer, after our evil wizard chef cast a magic spell on her.

Overheard: In a restaurant, always choose a table near a waiter.

Customer: Server, there is a twig in my soup!
Server: I am sorry, madam. I will call our branch manager.

A guy walked into a fancy restaurant, but they would not let him in without a necktie. So, he got the jumper cables out of his car and tied them around his neck. He went back to the restaurant and said, “Okay, can I get in now?” They answered, “Well, all right, but you better not start anything.”

Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my chop suey.
Waitress: That is nothing - wait until you see what is in your fortune cookie.

Restaurant sign: Soup of the Day - Coffee.

Joey: Why did the waiter serve the physician a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich?
Josie: Because that is ‘just what the doctor ordered.’

Friends Millicent and Mildred were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted: “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” Mildred said to Millicent, pointing to the sign, “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a $20, I would not be eating here!”

Customer: Waitress, there seems to be a hippopotamus in my soup.
Waitress: Is it not quite remarkable that I could even carry it to your table?

Overheard: I go to a restaurant not far from where I live that has the worst service. Sometimes I have to wait an hour to be served. I do not mind the long wait, though, because the food is so awful.

Diner: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Now that is a fly that knows good soup.

“There is no such thing as a free lunch.” -Milton Friedman

Diner: I just found a collar button in my soup.
Waiter: I wondered where that was.

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time,’ so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad, and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak, and got a calf!

Restaurant sign: Today’s Special - Buy one Fish & Chips for the price of two and receive a second Fish & Chips absolutely free!

Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Wait one minute while I get a spider.

I saw a sign in a restaurant that read, “Watch Your Hat and Coat.” So I did, and somebody stole my dinner!

Customer: Waitress, there is a bee in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, it is the fly’s day off.

A customer said to a waiter, “Please bring over the manager; I cannot tell if this is coffee or tea. I ordered coffee, but it tastes like gasoline.” The waiter replied, “If it tastes like gasoline; it is definitely coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.”

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Do not worry, sir. The spider in your salad will get it.

Overheard: So, does this restaurant serve baby food? I never see it on the menu.

Customer: There is a beetle in my soup!
Server: Sorry, ma’am, we are all out of flies today.

“Excuse me, but do you have dandruff?” asked the woman when her waiter kept scratching his head. “No, ma’am,” replied the waiter. “We only have what is on the menu.”

Customer: Do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: Yes, sir.
Customer: Then hop to the kitchen and get me a sandwich.

Mouse

An epicure, dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew;
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too!”

by Author Unknown

Customer: Have you been to the zoo?
Waiter: No, sir.
Customer: Well, you ought to go. You would enjoy seeing the turtles go whizzing by.

Sign behind counter at a diner: Please do not complain about the coffee - you may be old and weak yourself one day.

Customer: Waiter, bring me something to eat, and make it snappy!
Waiter: How about a crocodile sandwich, ma’am?

Today’s Special: Barely Soup.

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” -George Carlin

Customer: Waitress, what kind of soup is this? I ordered pea soup, and this tastes like soap.
Waitress: My mistake, that is tomato soup. Pea soup tastes like shampoo.

Overheard: I have been eating fast food for years, and it is really starting to slow me down.

Diner: This sauerkraut is not sour enough.
Waiter: Sir, it is not sauerkraut - it is noodles.
Diner: In that case, it is sour enough for noodles!

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office the other day to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under ‘Reason unable to work,’ she had written, “Cannot stand to cook any longer.”

Customer: This food is not fit for a pig!
Waitress: I am sorry, ma’am; I will bring you some that is.

A health inspector walked into a restaurant and said to the manager, “You have too many roaches in here.” The manager said, “How many am I allowed?”

Customer: I have not found any ham in this ham sandwich yet.
Waitress: Try another bite.
Customer, with a mouth full of sandwich: Nope, not yet.
Waitress: Well, you must have gone right past it.

If restaurant critics really do get to eat for free, then we want to start a new second career during our lunch hour today.

Waitress: We are famous for our snails here.
Customer: I know. I have been served by one already.

I went to a restaurant, and they had Mulligan stew on the menu, so I called a waiter to get me a clean menu that I could read.

Diner: Waiter! This stew is terrible. What is it made of?
Waiter: The chef calls it his enthusiastic soup.
Diner: Why?
Waiter: He puts everything he has into it.

In a typical restaurant, customers get 27 cents worth of food for each dollar they spend. We certainly pay a ‘good deal’ of money for atmosphere and service.

Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Go ahead and eat it, there are plenty more where that came from!

Customer: Waitress, this fish is bad.
Waitress: You are a bad fish. Bad, bad, bad!

Tip for spotting a good restaurant: Do not go to a restaurant that has a ‘help wanted’ sign in the window, because it is hard enough to get waited on in a restaurant that has plenty of help.

Waitress: How did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I looked and looked, and there it was, hiding under a pea.

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with a baked potato. About halfway through dinner, he called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.” She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

Customer: This soup tastes funny.
Waitperson: Then why are you not laughing?

Customer: Make me a cheeseburger.
Short-Order Cook: Fine. Presto-change-o, you are a cheeseburger!

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs here?
Waiter: Yes, ma’am, we serve everybody.

Customer: Waiter, why is there a frog in my drink?
Waiter: Because things go better with croak.

Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?
Waiter: It appears he is learning to read, sir.

Diner: Waiter, do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: No, sir; I have always walked like this.

Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, and if you will push over that pea, he will play water polo.

Customer: Take back this steak. I have been trying to cut it for ten minutes, but it is so tough I cannot make a dent in it.
Waitress: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot take it back. You have bent it.

Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my stew!
Waiter: They do not seem to care what they eat, do they?

Customer: Waiter, there are 134 flies in my soup.
Waiter: Two more, and we will beat the world record!

Customer: Waiter, there is a cockroach in my salad!
Waiter: Sorry. We ran out of flies.

Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Hang on; I will get you a fork.

Customer: I cannot eat this steak. Call the manager.
Waiter: It is no use, sir. He could not eat it either.

Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: They come for the ambience . . . and stay for the food.

At the MFOL! Comedy Restaurant, not only does the food look funny, but it also tastes funny . . .

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Baked Goods

3/4/2021

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If you listen very, very carefully, you might just hear these scrumptious baked goods calling out your name . . .

Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin said to the other, “Isn’t this great! We’re turning such a lovely golden brown.” The other muffin screamed, “Aaahhh! A talking muffin!”

‘Pound cake’ is so named not because of the weight of the cake itself, but because the recipes once called for a pound of butter, a pound of sugar, a pound of eggs, and a pound of flour.

Bryce: What does bread do on vacation?
Brianna: Loaf around.

English muffins were invented in about 1880 in New York City, New York, United States of America, by Samuel Bath Thomas. He called them ‘toaster crumpets,’ although they eventually came to be called ‘English muffins’ possibly sometime around 1902. They are also known as ‘breakfast muffins,’ and in the United Kingdom (which includes England), they are known simply as ‘muffins.’ To serve, first separate the halves, using a fork if need be. They can then be toasted and smeared with butter and jam; used to make breakfast sandwiches with fried or scrambled eggs, ham or sausage or bacon, and cheese; or made into mini pizzas by topping with pizza sauce or spaghetti sauce or tomato sauce, cheese, and any other available toppings typically put on pizzas, such as sliced pepperoni, sliced mushrooms, or sliced olives.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A customer in a bakery was carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?” he answered, “I’d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut, and that cheese Danish.” Then with a sigh, he added, “But I’ll take that oat-bran muffin.”

Baker’s tip: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there will not be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

“Gather the crumbs of happiness and they will make you a loaf of contentment.” -Author Unknown

Estelle: Why did the coffee cake have to be retrained for his job?
Stella: Because he was doing such a ‘crumby’ job.

Bundt, chiffon, and marble are types of cake.

It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, entered a bakery. He said to the baker, “I’ll have one roll.” The baker wrapped the one roll and asked if there was anything else he could get for him. “No, that’s it,” said the man, “just the one roll.” The baker said, “You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?” The man said, “Yes, for just one roll.” The baker asked, “Are you married?” The man said, “Of course. How did you know?”

Overheard: I always wanted to be a baker, so I worked and saved, until I finally ‘raised enough dough’ to open my own shop.

“God gives us the ingredients for our daily bread, but He expects us to do the baking.” -William A. Ward (William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994))

A piece of cake can brighten up just about anyone’s day . . .

David: When is a cake like a golf ball?
Mavis: When it has been sliced.

Jerrold: What is a baker’s favorite sport?
Jerry: Baseball, because he’s always shouting, “Batter up!”

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, ‘Big Bill,’ as he was known, was petitioned by the citizens because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them. Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. When they had heard the story, the two elderly ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake one hundred pies themselves, and sell them for two cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging. It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon, they had managed to bring down the prices of all kinds of pastries in Philadelphia. In fact, to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the ‘remarkable Pie rates of Penn’s aunts.’

Yeast: The stuff that makes dough grow.

“All sorrows are less with bread.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616)): “Don Quixote” (1615)

Marcy: How do you stop a bagel from rolling away?
Darcy: Put lox on it.

“As the breadwinner for his family, the baker could not afford to loaf.” -Author Unknown

Overheard: Working in a bakery is no piece of cake!

Tongue Twister: I bought a batch of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits. Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a box. Then I took the box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a can of sardines.

Vera: Why was the cake as hard as stone?
Vernon: Because it was a marble cake.

A dozen is twelve, but a ‘baker’s dozen’ is thirteen - why? Far away and long ago, any baker who sold someone a dozen rolls or cakes and miscounted, putting only ten or eleven baked goods in a customer’s order, could receive a very heavy penalty under the law, so to stay out of trouble, bakers started giving customers thirteen items when they ordered a dozen.

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Mom’s Famous Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Junior, “No, no.” Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Junior and clean walls. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s fur. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 teaspoons of vanilla, and 1 and 1/2 cups of sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Junior and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 cup nuts, and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of cupboard. Pour mixture into well-greased 9 inch by 13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take kazoo away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if cats can play kazoos. Put cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away. Frosting - Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, and 1/4 cup margarine. Take the teddy bear out of the broiler, carry it out of the house, and throw it way up into the air so that it lands way up on the roof where the Frisbee and the basketball and the boomerang have disappeared to. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Junior had slipped out of the house and was heading for the Thompson’s turkey farm. Put Junior in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a toy snake in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to keep all toy snakes at home. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven.

Hope this brought a smile to your face!

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Bread has become the prime symbol of nourishment and sharing. The breaking of bread is considered to be a symbolic gesture. The word ‘companion’ is derived from Latin ‘com’ meaning ‘together,’ and ‘panis’ meaning ‘bread.’ A companion is literally one with whom one comes together for bread.

Bread: Raw toast.

If a breadcrumb was lying on a table and someone cut it in half, would the result be two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

A ‘bake sale’ is a traditional means of raising money for a cause such as a youth group, church, school, or civic organization. The usual way of putting one together is to find a place to hold the event, get some folding tables, folding chairs, tablecloths, print some flyers, and then ask people to bake and donate items such as cakes, cookies, cinnamon rolls, pies, cupcakes, pastries, dinner rolls, and so forth. Items such as cookies can be sold singly or by the dozen. Volunteers can help with sales at such events.

I applied a job at a bakery recently because I really kneaded the dough . . .

Bakers in the United States of America were ordered to stop selling sliced bread starting on 18 January 1943 and continuing for the duration of World War 2. Only whole loaves were to be made available to the public. The American government never explained how this action helped the war effort.

Unleavened bread: Bread made without any ingredients.

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Ice Cream Bread Recipe

Ingredients
□ 2 cups any flavor of ice cream
□ 1.5 cups self-rising flour

Directions
1. Mix until all flour is moistened.
2. Bake in a greased bread pan at 180 degrees Celsius (350 degrees Fahrenheit) for 45 minutes.

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“Bakers earn their bread and butter.” -Author Unknown

If flour, water, and salt are mixed, the result is glue. If eggs, baking powder, and oil are added, the result is cake. Where does the glue go?

Several people were all posed the following question: “What is pi?”
An engineer replied, “It is approximately 3 and 1/7.”
A physicist answered, “It is 3.14159.”
A mathematician thought a bit, and stated, “It is equal to pi.”
A baker said, “Pie is a fun and delicious dessert!”

“Within this thin wafer of bread is caught up symbolically the labor of plow and of sowing, of harvest and threshing, of milling, of transportation, of financing, of selling and packaging. Man’s industrial life is all there.” -Wilford O. Cross, commenting on a slice of bread

“Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.” -Author Unknown

We hope you enjoyed this eclectic collection of odds-and-ends related to baked goods and bakers. More maddeningly marvelous mayhem follows below . . . what?! Oh, apparently it’s somewhat silly, too . . .

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Carrots

9/22/2020

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And so now we discuss the many and varied merits of carrots . . .

Carrots are grown as food and medicine all over the world. All parts of the carrot plant are edible to humans. The tubular taproots of carrots are a vegetable for culinary purposes, and can be eaten raw or cooked. The green leaves of carrots are edible as a leaf vegetable, though less commonly eaten by humans. The root, leaves, and seeds of carrots are used for their supposed curative benefits in treating various maladies.

Ethel: What did the carrot say to the tomato?
Esther: I don’t know - I didn’t even know carrots could talk!

Carrot plants are classified as herbs, which are plants that can be grown for either their green leaves or flowers. However, carrots are also grown for their vegetable root. They are a member of the Umbelliferae family, which includes caraway, carrots, celery, cilantro, dill, fennel, and parsley. The leaves of carrots can grow to be as much as 1 meter (3.28 feet) in height. Their main root typically grows to be between 4 and 10 inches in length.

Riddle: I grow underground, I am commonly orange, but I am also found in a variety of other colors, and I am good to eat - what am I?
Solution: I am a vegetable called a carrot.

Cultivated carrots contain about 88 percent water, 7 percent sugar, 1 percent protein, 1 percent fiber, 1 percent ash, and 0.2 percent fat. One cup of raw carrots contains about 52 calories. Orange carrots get their color from beta carotene, a red-orange pigment found in some plants and fruits. Beta carotene is a substance that is converted to Vitamin A in the human body. Carrots have more beta carotene than any other vegetable. One-half cup of cooked carrots contains four times the recommended daily intake of Vitamin A as beta carotene.

Jimmy: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
Jamie: Because if it were red and round it would be a tomato!

Carrots can be prepared for eating in a variety of ways. The root can be eaten raw as is, and it can be grated, sliced, or juiced. The root can also be boiled, pulped, mashed, puréed, fried, steamed, stewed, or baked. Carrots can be dehydrated or deep-fried to make chips, flakes, and powder. Carrots are used in stir-fries, salads, soups, and stews, or are added to baby foods and pet foods. The natural sugars and sweetness of carrots allow them to be used in carrot cakes and other desserts, jams, and juices. Shredded or finely diced carrots can be added to mara nara sauces, or red sauces, such as spaghetti sauce, to mellow the acidity of the tomatoes. The best seasonings for cooked carrots are cinnamon, cloves, marjoram, nutmeg, rosemary, and sage.

Carrot juice contains crystallizable and uncrystallizable sugar, a small quantity of starch, extractine, gluten, albumen, volatile oil on which the medicinal properties of the root depend and which gives carrots their distinctive odor, vegetable jelly or pectin, saline, malic acid, tannins, and an odorless, tasteless principle called carotin.

If people eat too many carrots, will they turn orange? Carotenoids, which are the pigments that makes carrots orange, will give skin a yellow-orange coloration if a large quantity of carrots or foods containing carrots such as vegetable juice blends, are eaten or drunk over a long period of time. The coloration is most noticeable on the palms or soles of feet, and is called carotenemia. There is no need to worry, however, as the condition requires a high amount of carrot consumption and is completely reversible by reducing carrot consumption.

Ed: What vegetable do all other vegetables fear?
Edna: A Halloween scarrot.

Cultivated carrots have a somewhat obscure history, and it is difficult to determine exactly when domestication of the plants first took place. Human language, with its words and their meanings, has developed slowly and somewhat haphazardly. So, for example, in some instances it can be unclear whether people of long ago were writing about carrots or parsnips.

Wild carrots originated more than 5,000 years ago in the part of the world that later became known as the Iranian Plateau, a region that includes present-day Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iran. None of these countries existed at that time, so it can be accurately stated that carrots are older than any of these countries. Wild varieties of carrots with purple, red, green, black, yellow, and white roots still grow there.

Cultivated carrots with thicker roots, milder and sweeter flavors, and orange color would appear much later as a result of human cultivation.

English botanist William Turner made the term ‘wild carrot’ the official name for the plant in his work, “The Names of Herbes” (1548).

Wild carrot plants, like those shown flowering in the picture above, are also known as Queen Anne’s Lace. They have a symmetrical array of small white florets, with a superficial resemblance to lace doilies. Near the center of most of these white expanses can be found a singular purple floret, whose purpose is a subject of debate among botanists.

Wild carrot plants have small, tough to chew, bitter tasting roots that are often unfit to eat, while cultivated carrots have thick, juicy, sweet roots. Wild carrot plants flower around June to August of the northern hemisphere’s Summer, with a bright white flower.

Some people say wild carrots are the ancestors of cultivated carrots, but others say they are not, and both plants exist in the world today. The idea that domestic carrots were developed from wild carrots came about possibly because the two plants have a similar smell and taste. Botanists have not been able to develop edible vegetables from wild carrots, and when cultivation of garden carrots lapses just a few generations, they apparently revert to their ancestral plants, which are quite different from the wild carrots.

The Ancient Romans ate raw carrots dressed in oil, vinegar, and salt. They ate cooked carrots with a sauce of oil, cumin, and salt. The Romans invading Britain in the second century brought with them coriander, garden carrots, fennel, garlic, leeks, onions, mint, thyme, and parsley, to name just a few of their plants. Roman soups could be quite elaborate. Perhaps the oldest surviving soup recipe in the world appears in a fourth century cookbook by Apicius, based on the notes of a cook who lived three centuries earlier. The soup is called Pultes Iulianae, or Julian Pottage.

Ancient Greeks and Ancient Romans had carrots, but not the orange varieties now common. Instead, they ate the less cultivated wild varieties of carrots with purple or white roots.

Carrots are biennials, or plants that in the first year of life do most of their growing, followed by a season of dormancy such as Winter, and in their second year go through a growth spurt followed by flowering, fruiting, and going to seed.

Carrots are best harvested while still young. Older carrots, carrots that have not received enough water while growing, and carrots that have flowered and gone to seed, can become woody or wood-like, meaning they are tough to chew, dry, and have lost most their flavor. Chewing on a very old carrot is possibly less appetizing, and certainly less interesting, than chewing on a wood stick with the bark still attached to it.

Some varieties of carrots contain anthocyanin pigments, which gives them a red, purple, or black color. A yellow variety without anthocyanin appeared in the 16th century and became widespread. Also in the 16th century, the familiar orange variety that is rich in the nutrient carotene was produced.

Dutch carrot growers in Holland during the 16th century crossed carrot plants having pale yellow roots with carrot plants having red roots, and by chance their experiments yielded carrot plants with orange roots, which became the most common type of cultivated carrot even into modern times.

One fanciful story is that the orange carrot was developed in the Netherlands in the seventeenth century to honor the Dutch royal family, that being William of Orange and the House of Orange. Though orange carrots do date from the Netherlands in the sixteenth century, it is unlikely that honoring William of Orange had anything to do with the chance development of them. No documentary evidence supports this story, and it is likely nothing more than an invention of someone’s imagination.

The newly orange carrots made their way to England during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I.

Carrots were first generally cultivated in England during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I (1558 - 1603), having been introduced by the Flemings, who had taken refuge from the persecutions of Philip II of Spain. The Flemings, finding the soil around Sandwich to be favorable for carrots, grew them there. The vegetable was a favorite of Queen Elizabeth I. The story goes that a deputy to the English court presented Queen Elizabeth I with a tub of butter and a wreath of tender carrots emblazoned with diamonds. This would have been a gift intended to stand out from any other gifts she might have received. Purportedly, she removed the diamonds and sent the carrots and butter to the kitchen, where they became the well-known side dish called buttered carrots.

During the reign of King James I of England (1603 - 1625), fashionable ladies decorated their hair, hats, dresses, and coats with the flowers and leathery leaves and stalks of wild carrot plants. Fashions have changed, but to this day fashions can still be truly astonishing to behold.

In 1607, European settlers arrived at Jamestown and introduced carrots to North America.

Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the Unites States of America, grew a variety of different carrots in his gardens at Monticello. In 1814, he grew a bumper crop of 18 bushels of carrots.

Carrots helped the British and their allies win World War 2. Newly-invented radar was being used to locate and shoot down German planes both during the day and in the darkness of night. To conceal the technical advancements they had made in radar equipment, the British started a rumor that they had improved the night vision capabilities of their pilots by having them eat large numbers of carrots. This wartime propaganda not only deceived the German military, but also led to more Brits planting vegetable gardens that included carrots.

In 2002, the British supermarket chain Tesco published an advertisement in, “The Sun” publication announcing the successful development of a genetically modified ‘whistling carrot.’ The ad explained that the carrots had been specially engineered to grow with tapered air-holes in their side. When fully cooked, these air-holes caused the vegetable to whistle. The Brits are quite the kidders.

Carrots Facts
- The two types of carrots are cultivated and wild.
- Cultivated carrots and wild carrots are different plants.
- Carrots are scientifically named Daucus carota.
- Cultivated carrots, also known as domestic carrots or garden carrots, are scientifically named ‘Daucus carota, sativus.’
- Wild carrots, also known as Queen Anne’s Lace, are scientifically named ‘Daucus carota, Carota.’
- Carrots are biennial herbs, or plants that live for 2 years.
- Cultivated carrots have tall, fine green leaves and mellow, sweet fleshy roots.
- Wild carrots have flowers that somewhat slightly resemble lace doilies, and roots with an acrid or bitter taste.

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Easy Cooked Carrots Recipe

Ingredients
□ Carrots
□ Water
□ Butter or Cooking Oil
□ Sugar
□ Cinnamon
□ Salt (Optional)

Directions
1. Wash carrots and peel if desired.
2. Cut carrots into the length you want to serve.
3. Place carrots in cooking pot.
4. Add a small amount of water, slightly less than is necessary to cover the carrots.
5. Add butter or cooking oil, sugar, cinnamon, and salt if desired, to your taste preference.
6. Bring carrots to a simmer for about 4 to 5 minutes, stir, and then turn off heat and allow carrots to continue cooking and then to cool down in the cooking pot.
7. Serve as a main dish or side dish.

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Carrots contain a variety of essential nutrients. Carrots have more beta-carotene than any other fruit or vegetable. The human body turns beta-carotene into vitamin A, which is vital for the good vision, including night vision, as well as healthy bones, teeth, and skin. Carrots are an excellent source of vitamins B and C, as well as calcium pectate, a pectin fiber that has cholesterol-lowering properties.

“Large, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.” -Fran Lebowitz

Both wild carrots and cultivated carrots have been placed in the same plant species and scientifically named Daucus carota. ‘Daucus’ is derived from the Greek ‘dais’ meaning ‘to burn,’ for the wild carrot plant’s acrid or bitter taste. The word ‘carrot’ was first recorded in English in 1548 and was borrowed from Middle French carotte, itself from Late Latin carōta, from Greek karōton, originally from the Indo-European root *ker- (horn), due to its horn-like shape. The name Carota for the cultivated carrot is found first in the writings of Athenaeus (C.E. 200), and in a book on cookery by Apicius Czclius (C.E. 230). Galen (C.E. 350) added the name Daucus to distinguish carrots from parsnips, calling it D. pastinaca, and Daucus came to be the official name in the sixteenth century, and was later adopted by Linnaeus in the eighteenth century. Wild carrots are named ‘Daucus carota, Carota,’ and cultivated carrots are named ‘Daucus carota, sativus.’

Carrots Quiz
- Orange carrots are recognized as having what nutrient?
- Are the roots of carrots fruits or vegetables?
- Are the green leaves of carrots safe to eat?
- Are all carrot roots orange?

Carrots Quiz Answers
- Orange carrots are recognized as having the nutrient beta carotene, which is turned into Vitamin A in the human body.
- The roots of carrots are vegetables, and are the most popular part of the plant.
- The green leaves of carrots are safe to eat for humans, excepting a tiny number who might have a carrot allergy.
- The roots of the most widely available carrots tend to be orange, but some carrots have roots in colors such as purple, red, black, yellow, or white.

This is MFOL! . . . and so now you know you do not need fur, long ears, or hop-ability to benefit from carrots . . .

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We’re Going to Make a Cake

9/18/2020

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We’re Going to Make a Cake

We’re going to make a cake,
We’re going to make a cake;
We’re going to make it really big,
Because we all like cake.

Flour in the bowl, flour in the bowl;
Stir it with a great big spoon,
Flour in the bowl.

(Continue with other ingredients: sugar, salt, raisins, butter, and so forth)

Put it in the oven, put it in the oven;
Take care not to slam the door,
Until it’s nicely cooked.

Icing on the top, icing on the top;
Spread it with a big, flat knife,
Icing on the top.

We all have a piece, we all have a piece;
Some for you and some for me,
There’s some for everyone.

And now it’s all gone, and now it’s all gone;
Yumm it was very good,
Now it’s all gone.

by Author Unknown: can be sung to the same tune as that of, “The Farmer in the Dell”

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Zucchinis

8/29/2019

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Anita: What vegetable looks like a bunch of animals?
Nikita: Zoo-chini!

The variety of zucchini commonly grown in home gardens and sold commercially and in retail stores was cultivated by Italians from squash originally found in colonial America. Zucchinis, like all squash, originated in the Americas, meaning North and South America.

“You’re becoming a real vegetable any more, do you know that?” Tim’s wife said to him one day, for no apparent reason. “Who, me?” Tim replied, trying to make light of the situation by saying it with a sort of zucchini accent.

Zucchini also goes by the names Italian squash, courgette, vegetable marrow, long marrow, and garden marrow.

The word ‘zucchini’ is derived from the Italian word ‘zucca’ meaning ‘squash.’ ‘Courgette’ is a diminutive of the French word ‘courge’ meaning ‘gourd’ or ‘marrow.’

Together with pumpkins and some other squashes, zucchinis are a member of the species ‘Cucurbita pepo.’ Zucchinis are a variety of cucurtbits, genus cucurbita, meaning that they are in the same family as cucumbers, squashes, and melons.

The largest zucchini on record was 176.5 centimeters (69.5 inches) long, and weighed 29.5 kilograms (65 pounds). The humongous veggie was grown by Mr. Bernard Lavery of Plymouth, Devon, England.

Slice a zucchini in half lengthwise, and hollow out the halves with a spoon. Add the fillings of your choice, which can be as varied as chili and cheese, diced tomatoes and sliced Italian sausage and Provolone cheese, chopped vegetables and hollandaise sauce, or whatever your heart desires. Bake in an oven at about 180 degrees Celsius (350 degrees Fahrenheit) for about 45 minutes, or microwave on high, until done. Allow to cool and . . . presto! . . . voila! . . . you have created the stuffed zucchini.

Some would say zucchini is a wonder food because of its fast growth, easy preparation, and low calorie content.

A typical whole zucchini has about 25 calories; by comparison, a typical baked potato has about 130 calories.

Zucchinis have more potassium than bananas have.

Karen: What is zucchinis favorite game?
Daren: Squash!

Zucchini is pronounced as zoo kee nee.

“If you’ve ever grown zucchini, you know they all ripen the same day. You wait all of June and July for zucchini. August rolls around, and one day - bam! You have more zucchini than you know what to do with. You start handing them out to your neighbors and friends at work because there’s no way any single person can handle all that zucchini. Not even if you’re smart and resourceful and have accumulated dozens of good recipes, not even a person who likes zucchini as much as I do.” -Gale Martin: “Grace Unexpected” (2012)

Zucchinis are commonly found in a dark green variety, though there is also a light green variety, a yellow variety, and a near-white variety of zucchini.

The Zucchini Brothers, a band from Saratoga Springs, New York, United States of America, plays songs for children. They also have a cranberry bread recipe on their website . . . but alas, no zucchini bread recipe. To listen to their music, visit www.ZucchiniBrothers.com.

Zucchinis are ready for harvest about 35 to 55 days after planting from seed.

The three-day Annual Zucchini Fest in Obetz, Ohio, United States of America, is ‘everything zucchini.’ The event runs from 27 to 30 August of each year, and includes a parade, queen’s pageant, contests, arts and crafts, games, and much more. Information about the gala can be found at www.obetzzucchinifest.com.

Zucchini is harvested as a summer squash. Summer squash are squashes that are harvested when immature, meaning while the rind (skin or peel) is still tender enough to be edible. Biggest is not best when it comes to zucchini; the most flavorful zucchinis are small to medium in size.

A Christian couple heard that their vegetarian son would be coming home from college to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with them. Said the man, “Let us prepare the fatted zucchini, Martha! Our prodigal son is returning.”

Zucchinis are botanically a fruit or a berry, because they come from flowers, but they are usually cooked and served as a vegetable.

Grocery stores usually do not sell zucchini blooms, blossoms, or flowers, but sometimes they can be found at farmers’ markets. The bright yellows beauties aren’t just for looking at - they can be stir-fried and eaten.

Overheard: A zucchini is a vegetable that can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before children refuse to eat it.

Raw, uncooked zucchini can be sliced and put into salads, similar to the way cucumbers are sliced and put into salads.

So, you have lots of fresh zucchinis, and you cook and prepare them, and they look great, but they have a bitter or sour taste. The next time, use smaller zucchinis that have been picked off the vine well before they are fully-grown and mature. As zucchinis grow larger, and as they age on the shelf at the market or in your refrigerator, they begin to ripen. The best zucchinis are ones that have not yet ripened and have not developed any bitter or sour taste. Much like cucumbers, you will want to eat zucchinis while they are small and well before they are full grown and ripened, preferably within a few days of their arrival in your kitchen.

Zoodles can be added to spaghetti recipes, and it can be used as a replacement for other types of pasta noodles as well. ‘Zoodles’ are easy to make with the aid of some kitchen gadgets. Using a mandolin or a spiral slicer, first secure the zucchini on prongs, and then push the vegetable toward the blades. A smaller and less expensive option is a julienne peeler, which has a serrated blade that can be used to create thin wide strips.

Zucchini Quiz
- Zucchini is ready for harvest in how many days after planting from seeds?
- Are zucchini blossoms, or flowers, edible?
- What are zoodles made of?

According to www.NationalDayCalendar.com, 8 August of each year is National Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor’s Porch Day.

Zucchini Quiz Answers
- Zucchini is ready for harvest 35 to 55 days after planting from seeds.
- Zucchini blossoms, or flowers, are edible, though usually stir-fried.
- Zoodles are strips of zucchini that can be used in place of pasta.

In parts of America, if you park your car in a suburban neighborhood in August, be sure to lock the doors, because if you fail to do so, the neighbors might fill your car with zucchini!

Clear indications you have grown too much zucchini:
- Your neighbors find them every afternoon in their mailboxes.
- You are eating zucchini for breakfast, lunch, and dinner - and snacks too.
- Even the field mice have stopped eating them.
- A nightmare about an invading zucchini army awakens you in the night.
- Your children are using them for building blocks.
- You have carved a working piccolo out of a zucchini.

This is MFOL! . . . where we plant smiles, grow fun, and harvest giggles . . . perhaps we should try that with zucchinis . . .

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Pickles

7/16/2019

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Here you will find silly fun stuff to say to people while they are eating pickles . . .

Stacy: What is green, noisy, and moves very fast?
Tracy: A herd of stampeding pickles! Look, there they go now!

Brightly colored pickles, an idea that likely originated in the Mississippi Delta, are spreading throughout the land. You can find them in red, purple, orange . . . all the colors of your favorite powdered drink mix. Even children like them. Just make Kool-Aid or other powdered drink mix according to package directions, but make it double-strength. Add pickles that have been cut lengthwise, and then place them in a refrigerator for a week to allow for color absorption.

Overheard: A pickle is, like, a really gnarly cucumber, dude!

Some people say that the English word ‘pickle’ is derived from the Dutch word ‘pekel’ meaning ‘brine.’ Brine is a solution made of water and salt (commonly sodium chloride). Other people say the pickle got its name in the 1300’s when English speaking people mispronounced the name of William Beukelz, who was a Dutch fisherman known for pickling fish.

Carrie: What is green, bumpy, and faster than a speeding bullet?
Corey: Super Pickle!

According to pickle industry standards, a pickle’s crunch should be audible from ten paces away.

Ryan: What do you get if you cross a cucumber with a werewolf?
Brian: A pickle that gets hairy when there is a full moon.

The Italian financier, navigator, and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci, for whom the Americas (North and South) were named, was a pickle merchant before becoming an explorer. Because refrigeration did not exist back then, pickling was an important way of keeping food edible for long periods of time, and everything from fish to fruits was pickled in bottles and barrels.

Nelson: What do you do with a pickle when it is one year old?
Nellie: Wish it a happy birthday!

Who has a hankering for a gherkin?

Whole Gherkins are great for snacking, or can be served alongside a sandwich.

Any food can be pickled. Vegetables can be pickled, including peppers and beets, and there are pickled hard-boiled eggs, pickled fish such as herring, and pickled pig’s feet. However, the word ‘pickle’ used as a noun refers specifically to a pickled cucumber.

Stout: What is long and green and grouchy?
Slim: A sour pickle.

According to pickle industry research, the average American prefers pickles with seven ‘warts’ per square inch, while Europeans prefer pickles with no ‘warts.’ Apparently, Americans like pickles that are easy to grip and Europeans like their pickles slippery.

Paula: What is green and sour and always changing its mind?
Polly: A fickle pickle.

Twenty-six billion pickles are packed each year in the United States of America, which amounts to about nine pounds of pickles per person. So, who wants a pickle?

Mr. Perkins

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety-three -
And pickled his internal workings.

by Author Unknown

An average-size dill pickle contains just 15 calories.

Al: What is long and green and jumps every few seconds?
Bert: A pickle with the hiccups!

Pickles are a fat-free food.

Alex: What is green and sour and gives presents to boys and girls?
Rex: Santa Pickle.

Sliced pickles are often found on hamburger sandwiches and other types of sandwiches.

Are pickles a fruit or a vegetable? Actually, they are both, according to the United States Supreme Court. Because pickles have seeds, they are technically a ‘fruit of the vine.’ However, because pickles are made from cucumbers, they are generally known as a vegetable.

Chase: What is a pickle in full bloom called?
Grace: A daffy-dill.

In order for a pickle to be considered officially a pickle in Connecticut, United States of America, it must bounce.

Question: What is black and white and green and bumpy?
Answer: A pickle wearing a tuxedo.

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Peter Piper

Peter Piper picked a peck
     Of pickled peppers;
A peck of pickled peppers
     Peter Piper picked.

If Peter Piper picked a peck
     Of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers
     Peter Piper picked?

by Author Unknown

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Varieties of cucumber pickles include Bread-and-Butter, Brined, Cornichon, Danish, Deep-Fried, Dill, Gherkin, Hungarian, Kosher Dill, Lime, Polish, and Swedish.

Josiah: What is green and hairy and hangs out in New York?
Joseph: King Kong Pickle.

National Pickle Day, or Pickle Appreciation Day as some folks like to call it, is observed on 14 November of each year.

Russell: What is green and pecks on trees?
Randall: Woody Wood Pickle!

Natives of the Pacific Islands pickle food in holes in the ground lined with banana leaves, in order to have a reliable reserve of food during the rainy season. The pickles are so valuable that they have become a part of the courting process, helping a man to prove that he will be able to provide for a woman. So, in Fiji, a guy cannot marry a gal without first showing her parents his stock of pickled food.

Pickle relish goes well atop a hotdog on a bun, or can be put in potato salad, tuna salad, or macaroni salad.

“Hunger is the best pickle.” -Benjamin Franklin

Mick: What is green and goes through walls?
Mack: A pickle, but you have to throw it really hard!

Henry John Heinz, founder of the H. J. Heinz Company, was a marketing and advertising pioneer. His company had the largest commercial exhibit at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, and in 1900 erected the first electric sign in New York City, a colossal forty foot long pickle.

Claudia: What did one pickle say to the other?
Claudette: “You mean a great dill to me.”

The expression “in a pickle” originated with the English playwright William Shakespeare. He used it in his play, “The Tempest” (about 1611) in the two lines: “How cam’st thou in this pickle?” and “I have been in such a pickle!”

Ricky: Why do gherkins giggle a lot?
Mickey: They’re pickle-ish!

Some people throw pickle juice away, but it can be poured through a sieve or cheesecloth and then served chilled as a beverage, just like lemonade.

Who wants a glass of pickle juice?!

“You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they’re a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week.” -Stephen Manes

Bread-and-Butter Pickles can go on bread on which has been spread a generous amount of real butter.

Thomas Jefferson: What is red, white, blue, and green?
Benjamin Franklin: A patriotic pickle!

More than half the cucumbers grown in the United States of America are made into pickles. So, what is growing in your garden?

George turned to his wife Martha and said, “Do we need these pickles? They are on sale, and they seem like a really good dill.”

Overheard: I love you more than pickles!

This is MFOL! . . . well, that finishes things pickle-ish, and so now it is time for us to go out to get more sweet pickles, sour pickles, sliced pickles, pickle relish, and pickle juice . . . it seems we are running low on all of them . . .

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Cookies

7/15/2019

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Sunny yellow optimism cookies, or gloomy blue-gray pessimism cookies . . . if only all decisions in life were so easy to make! Six of each, please.

Elvis: What kind of cookies do birds like?
Priscilla: Chocolate-chirp cookies.

“In the cookie of life, friends are the sweet chocolate chips.” -Author Unknown

The American word ‘cookie’ comes from the Dutch word ‘koekjes,’ which came from the Dutch word ‘koek’ meaning ‘cake.’ ‘Cookie’ was introduced into the English language in the early eighteenth century. It is thought the term caught on in early America because of the evident Dutch presence. The British call cookies ‘small cakes,’ ‘sea biscuits,’ or ‘tea cakes.’

Victoria: Why was the little cookie sad?
Flora: Because its mom had been a wafer so long.

Tough cookie, noun: 1. Someone with just the right mixture of sweetness and strength. 2. Someone who does not crumble under pressure.

Making Cookies

I am making cookie dough
     Round and round the beaters go
Add some flour from a cup
     Stir and stir the batter up
Roll them, cut them nice and neat
     Put them on a cookie sheet
Bake them, count them - one, two, three
     Serve them to my friends for tea*.

by Author Unknown
*’Tea’ is this instance refers not merely to the beverage, but to ‘teatime,’ the time traditionally set aside each day in many places for partaking in tea and sometimes edibles such as cookies.

“I just figured if I was going to make the world a better place, I’d do it with cookies.” -Ana Pascal: “Stranger than Fiction” (10 November 2006); type of work: movie

Cookies baked in a muffin tray will not spread out and stick together, and may be fluffier.

Let us all return to a kinder, gentler, simpler time . . . a time of milk and cookies!

Overheard: I went to dunk my cookie in a glass of milk . . . and I fell right in! Good thing the cookie fell in with me . . . crunch, crunch . . . glug, glug . . . mmm-mmm, yummy!

George: What kind of snack do little monkeys like with milk?
Geoffrey: Chocolate-chimp cookies.

Making Cookies

Stir the dough and roll it flat
     Then cut cookies just like that
Into the oven, watch them go
     They must bake a while, you know
When they’re brown and nicely done
     We’ll have cookies for everyone!

by Author Unknown

No-Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies like the ones shown above, just as the name suggests, need no baking. For the recipe, visit our activities page by clicking on the link here: http://www.makefunoflife.net/activities.

Penny: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Penelope: Because it was feeling crumby.

Cookie: A method for converting sugar, flour, and butter into body fat.

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Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe for Engineers and Scientists

Ingredients

□ 532.35 cm3 gluten
□ 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
□ 4.9 cm3 refined halite
□ 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
□ 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
□ 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
□ 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
□ Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein units
□ 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
□ 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium before serving.

by Steve Strunk

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We are trying really hard to remember . . . what is it Moses, Noah, or Job who led the Canaanites to the land of milk and cookies?

Common Cookies
- Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Fortune Cookies
- Ginger Snaps
- Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
- Peanut Butter Cookies
- Sandwich Cookies
- Sugar Cookies
- Vanilla Wafers
Can you think of other types of cookies?

Image shown above is from “A Field Guide to Animal Crackers” by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Animal Crackers are cookies that were imported to the United States of America from England in the late 1800’s. Barnum’s Circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on Christmas trees.

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Animal Crackers

Animal crackers, and cocoa to drink,
     That is the finest of suppers, I think;
When I’m grown up and can have what I please
     I think I shall always insist upon these.

What do you choose when you’re offered a treat?
     When Mother says, “What would you like best to eat?”
Is it waffles and syrup, or cinnamon toast?
     It’s cocoa and animals that I love most!

The kitchen’s the cosiest place that I know:
     The kettle is singing, the stove is aglow,
And there in the twilight, how jolly to see
     The cocoa and animals waiting for me.

by Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): “Chimneysmoke” (1921)

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National Animal Crackers Day is observed on 18 April of each year.

If the folks at ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ made the “Sesame Street” television show . . .
Scene: Bert and Ernie are seeing Oscar the Grouch for the first time, as Mr. Grouch suddenly pops up out of a garbage can, and Bert points at him.
Bert: Hey, Ernie, is that a cookie over there?
Ernie: Gee, I don’t know, Bert. Let’s dunk it in a glass of milk and find out!
Just then, Cookie Monster appears and says: Cookie?!
Oscar the Grouch makes a surprised shriek and disappears back into the garbage can. Bert, Ernie, and Cookie Monster all laugh.
Cut to next scene: The actual producers of “Sesame Street” are shown taking out a restraining order against the folks at ‘Make Fun Of Life!’

This is MFOL! . . . the search for funny continues . . . along with milk and cookies . . .

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Bobbing for Apples

6/28/2019

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Bobbing for Apples

I am bobbing for an apple,
     A shiny red apple,
I am bobbing for an apple,
     But no apple can I get.

I cannot get an apple,
     Not one single apple
My sister got an apple,
     But all I got was wet!

by Author Unknown

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Pastas

6/26/2019

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Mama mia, dat’s-a lots-a pasta!

“Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.” -Sophia Loren (pseudonym of Sophia Sciccoloni (born 1934))

Pasta is a food originating in Italy, consisting of dough made from durum wheat and water, and sometimes eggs, extruded or stamped into various shapes and sizes. Pasta is cooked by boiling it in water, either in its freshly made state, or it can be dried for storage and later cooked from its dried state.

Oodles of Noodles

I love noodles. Give me oodles.
     Make a mound up to the Sun.
Noodles are my favorite foodles.
     I eat noodles by the ton.

by Lucia and James Hymes, Junior

When pasta is boiled in water, it is important to know that once the pot has been removed from the heat source, the hot water continues to cook the pasta, and even once pasta is separated from the hot water, it continues cooking. So, to achieve just the precise amount of cooking to have perfectly done pasta that is not too soft or too hard, referred to in Italian as ‘al dente,’ immerse the pasta in cold water at precisely the perfect time to stop the cooking process.

“Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” -Mitch Hedberg (Mitchell Lee ‘Mitch’ Hedberg (1968 - 2005))

Marinara sauce is a red sauce typically made from tomatoes, onions, and herbs. ‘Marinara’ is derived from the Italian phrase ‘alla marinara’ meaning ‘sailor-style.’ It commonly goes by the name ‘spaghetti sauce’ or ‘pasta sauce,’ although it is worth noting that not all pasta sauces are red sauces, especially those that contain no tomatoes as a main ingredient.

“No man is lonely while eating spaghetti - it requires too much attention.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): as quoted in “Life” (24 October 1969) magazine

Doyle: A farmer bought a piece of land at auction. It was two thousand acres long and one inch wide. What did he grow on it?
Dylan: I know - spaghetti!

Macaroni and Cheese

Boil the water, add the noodles,
     Mac and cheese, we love you oodles.
In gratefulness for this creation,
     We bow and eat with such elation.

by Author Unknown

Customer: “Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?”
Waiter: “No, sir, I cleaned it off.”

Here we see the annual spaghetti harvest . . .

The spaghetti tree hoax is a famous 3-minute hoax report broadcast on April Fool’s Day 1957 by the British Broadcasting Corporation current affairs program “Panorama.” It told a tale of a family in southern Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from the fictitious spaghetti tree. The story was broadcast at a time when the Italian dish was not widely eaten in the United Kingdom and some Britons were still unaware that spaghetti is a pasta made from wheat flour and water. Hundreds of viewers phoned the BBC, either to say the story was not true, or wondering about it, with some even asking how to grow their own spaghetti trees. “Panorama” cameraman Charles de Jaeger dreamed up the story after remembering how teachers at his school in Austria teased his classmates for being so stupid that if they were told that spaghetti grew on trees, they would believe it. The report showed a family in the canton of Ticino in southern Switzerland as they gathered a bumper spaghetti harvest after a mild Winter and “virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil.” Footage of a traditional “Harvest Festival” was aired along with a discussion of the cultivation necessary to develop a plant variety that produces the perfect length of pasta. Some scenes were filmed at the (now closed) Pasta Foods factory on London Road, Saint Albans, in Hertfordshire, and at a hotel in Castagnola, Switzerland. The report was made more believable through the voiceover of respected broadcaster Richard Dimbleby. Pasta was not an everyday food in 1950’s Britain, and was known mainly from tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce, and considered by many to be an exotic delicacy. At the time, there were 7 million homes in Britain with television sets, out of a total of 15.8 million homes. An estimated 8 million people watched the program on and hundreds phoned in the following day to question the authenticity of the story or ask for more information about spaghetti cultivation and how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. The BBC reportedly told them to “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

“I do love Italian food. Any kind of pasta or pizza.” -Jennifer Love Hewitt

“Life is a combination of magic and pasta.” -Federico Fellini

Weird Al Yankovic did a parody of the song “La Bamba” entitled “Lasagna” on his “Even Worse” album.

Lasagna was called ‘losyns’ in Middle English.

In 1996, computer hardware engineer Toshio Yamamoto began the work of tasting and cataloguing all the ramen instant noodles he could find (including a full ingredients list, texture, flavor, price, and a ‘star’ rating for each) for the 5,657-ramen database on his website, expanded recently with hundreds of video reviews and with re-reviews (in case the taste had changed). Mr. Yamamoto said he had always eaten ramen for breakfast seven days a week, but cut back recently to five. “I feared that, if I continued at (the seven-day) pace, I would get bored.” He has written two books on the flavored instant noodles. Visit Mr. Yamamoto’s website at www.i-ramen.net to see his extensive noodle work and nifty animation.

So there I was, minding my own business as usual, when all of a sudden, I encountered a pasta disasta!

“There is linguini, elbows, angel hair, spirals, bowties, . . . so many pasta shapes and sizes . . . just image all the pasta-bilities!” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Lorenzo: What do you call a fake noodle?
Luciano: An impasta.

“The Forme of Cury,” a 14th century cookbook that was the first to be published in England, featured lasagna.

“I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘cooking’ but I can make noodles. That means I can boil water, put the pasta in and wait until it’s done.” -Devon Werkheiser

As the song says, “On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed!”

Lasagna is the favorite food of the cartoon cat character Garfield, created by Jim Davis. Interestingly, it is said that Mr. Davis never had a pet cat, but despite this handicap, he somehow manages.

“Eat the spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.” -Author Unknown

“Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.” -Author Unknown

Lasagna is believed to have originated in Italy. It is a dish made of alternating layers of pasta, cheese, sauce, and traditionally meat, although vegetables can be substituted for the meat. Lasagna is made with either flat noodles or rippled noodles. Rippled noodles are common in southern Italy but rarely used in Northern Italy. Rippled noodles are also popular in the United States. The plural of lasagna is lasagne. In Italy, the plural form lasagne is always used when referring to lasagna.

“I love pasta with the homemade marinara sauce I had as a kid.” -Bernadette Peters

“I don’t know, man . . . I just started eating pasta and I was like, ‘Wow, my problems . . . where did they all just go?’” -Author Unknown

“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.” -Sophia Loren (pseudonym of Sophia Sciccoloni (born 1934))

You are on MFOL! - quick, say something funny about pasta!

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Mashed Potatoes

6/23/2019

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Mashed Potatoes

Mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes,
     Mashed potatoes piled up high,
Mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes,
     Mashed potatoes up to the sky.

Mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes,
     Mashed potato clouds and moon,
Mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes,
     Scoop it all up with a giant spoon!

by Author Unknown

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Peanut Butter Sandwich

6/22/2019

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Peanut Butter Sandwich

In the pantry in our kitchen
     There is food on every shelf.
There’s a snack that I enjoy
     And I can get it by myself.

When I am feeling hungry
     And I need to fill my belly,
I find the peanut butter,
     Get some bread and lots of jelly.

Then I make a tasty sandwich,
     And I gobble every bite.
A peanut butter sandwich
     Is simply a delight.

You can eat your cold Bologna
     Or enjoy some ham and cheese.
But for me, when I am hungry
     I say, “Peanut butter, please!”

by Author Unknown

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Ingredients for Jam

4/6/2019

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Ingredients for Jam

Sufficient glasses
     And a good-sized kettle,
Fresh-hulled berries,
     Well-shaped and crimson red.
Sugar . . . and to put you
     On your mettle
A small boy waiting
     With a piece of bread.

by Mary Cooper

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Fun Easy Foods Quiz for 2 February 2019

2/2/2019

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Fun Easy Foods Quiz for 2 February 2019

Can you name the quintessential British dish shown above?

Fish and Chips, or Fish ‘n’ Chips, consists of battered and fried fish accompanied by sliced and fried potatoes. It can include a dipping sauce and a side of a vegetable, such as cabbage made into coleslaw. Fish-and-chips became popular in England sometime in the 1860’s or possibly earlier, and continues to this day as a popular food in formal restaurants and as a takeaway or carryout food for busy people on the go.

This is MFOL! . . . where food can be fun . . . and fun can be food!

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Apple Snacking Time

2/1/2019

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Apple Snacking Time

It’s time for an apple -
We have a variety on hand,
Golden yellow, gorgeous green, deep red,
Lighter red with a touch of yellow,
Paler green fading to almost white -
Name your apple, what’s your delight?
Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch!
Once there were five apples, crisp and delicious,
And now all of the apples are gone from sight!

by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

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Fun Easy Foods Quiz for 30 January 2019

1/30/2019

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Fun Easy Foods Quiz for 30 January 2019

Can you name the foods shown above?

Clockwise from top left, the foods shown are as follows.
- red onion, whole.
- tomato, quartered, or sliced into 4 pieces.
- parsley, fresh and green.
- peppercorns, whole, which can be ground into pepper seasoning.
- cucumber, sliced lengthwise.

If the vegetables were sliced thinner, and the pepper was ground, could they be mixed together to make a salad?

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Apples

1/10/2019

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Apples

Apples, apples, what a treat,
     Sweet and tart and good to eat.
Apples green and apples red,
     Hang from branches overhead,
And when they ripen,
     Down they drop,
     So we can taste our apple crop.

by Helen H. Moore

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The Apple

1/8/2019

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The Apple

Up in the apple tree,
     High off the ground,
I see an apple
     So big and round.

I climb up the tree,
     And hold on tight.
I pick that apple
     And take a bite!

by Author Unknown

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Ice Cream Colors

12/31/2018

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Ice Cream Colors

We have ice cream, the best in town,
     Let us begin with chocolate brown.

Now, let us scoop us some bubble-gum pink,
     It is sweet and yummy, the best, some think.

Here is ice cream minty and green,
     It is the creamiest I have ever seen.

Yellow ice cream is lemony and tart,
     We like its taste from the very start.

Scoops of blueberry would make my day,
     Look at all this ice cream, hip, hip hurray!

Red ice cream is a strawberry delight,
     All these scoops are a heavenly sight.

Vanilla white is a popular flavor,
     It tastes very good to an ice-cream craver.

Purple ice cream really gives me a kick,
     Good and yummy till the very last lick.

Ice cream, ice cream, what a cool sensation,
     We love ice cream in any combination!

by Author Unknown

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Oranges Are a Juicy Fruit

12/29/2018

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Oranges Are a Juicy Fruit

Oranges are a juicy fruit
Many are big, Satsumas are cute.

You get orange juice with some squeezin’ and cuttin’
One even comes with a bellybutton.

They grow on a tree in the winter season
In parts of the world where it isn’t freezin’.

So when you need a healthy treat
Peel yourself an orange - sweet to eat!

by Author Unknown

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Apples, Apples

12/28/2018

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Apples, Apples

Apples juicy, apples round,
     On the tree or on the ground.
Apples yellow, apples red,
     Apple pie and juice and bread!
Apples crunchy, apples sweet,
     Apples are so good to eat!

by Author Unknown

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One Egg

12/25/2018

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One Egg

It’s hardly enough for breakfast.
     It isn’t enough when you bake.
It isn’t sufficient to a make meringue,
     or cookies, or even cake.
It doesn’t go far in a salad,
     though you devil it, slice it, or chop it.
But it covers the floor from wall to wall
     if ever you should drop it.

by Author Unknown

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Cooking Poem

12/15/2018

21 Comments

Cooking Poem

When you’re cooking in the kitchen,
     You’re learning all the while -
To pour and measure, mix and stir
     And sift flour into a pile.

Scrub your hands before you start
     Then gather up the gear -
Like pots ‘n’ pans and measuring cups
     That you use throughout the year.

Go over the recipe, step-by-step,
     So you’ll know just what to do.
By carefully following the directions,
     It won’t be hard for you.

Have a hot pad handy
     And an adult standing by -
So you won’t hurt yourself
     When using the stove or baking a pie.

Besides the fun and learning,
     There’s always cleaning up to do,
And even though it’s quite a chore,
     It’s part of cooking too.

But after all the work is done,
     It will soon be time for dinner.
And when someone asks for seconds,
     You’ll know you’ve cooked a winner!

by Author Unknown

21 Comments

Vegetables and Fruits

12/13/2018

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Vegetables and Fruits

The food we like to eat that grows
     On vines and bushes and trees
Are vegetables and fruits, my friend,
     Like cherries, grapes, and peas.

Apples and oranges and peaches are fruits,
     And so are tangerines.
Lettuce and carrots are vegetables,
     Like squash and lima beans.

by Author Unknown

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