Patient, on telephone: Doctor, there’s something very wrong with me. My head feels squashed, my voice sounds strange, I smell something peculiar, and one of my feet is cold. What could be wrong with me?
Doctor: You are probably wearing one of your socks on your head.
A doctor told a man that if he ran 5 miles a day for 300 days, he would lose 75 pounds. At the end of 300 days, the man called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. The man said, “I’m 1,500 miles from home.”
Tonsillectomy
“Your tonsils, it seems, are too big,”
Said my doctor, and straightened his wig.
“There isn’t a doubt
That they’ll have to come out.”
And he giggled and danced a short jig.
by Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Limericks” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Surprised to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Doc, exactly what is my ailment?” The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
A doctor was consulting with his patient. “I checked your symptoms on Google. If you want a second opinion, I’ll check with Yahoo.”
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me!
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I have some coins stuck in my ear.
Doctor: How long have they been there?
Patient: A year.
Doctor: Why did you not come in sooner?
Patient: I did not need the money until now.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Money” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A man walked into a doctor’s office and was sent immediately to an exam room. The doctor entered and looked him over. The man had a green bean sticking out of his left ear, a carrot sticking out of his right ear, and a celery stalk sticking out of one nostril. “Doc, it is just terrible, I am in awful shape - what do you think it could be that is the matter with me?” The doctor replied, “Well, for starters, you are not eating properly.”
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor: Face the window, please. Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: Why do I have to face the window?
Doctor: Because I want the man next door to see it.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Neighborhoods And Neighbors” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A man sat in a doctor’s office and kept up a strange litany: “I hope I am sick . . . I hope I am sick . . .” Another waiting patient asked, “Why do you want to be sick?” The man replied, “I would hate to be well and feel like this!”
“What is diagnosed well can be cured well.” [English translation]
“Bene diagnoscitur, bene curatur.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have canary disease.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: It is tweetable.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Birds” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should - I stayed up all night practicing.
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts! Can you check it out?” The doctor rolled up the man’s sleeve and suddenly, the man’s arm started talking. “Hello, doctor,” said the arm. “Could you lend me twenty dollars, please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!” said the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
A man went to see his doctor. He was suffering from acute anxiety and seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After the examination, the doctor went into the consultation room to discuss the case with the patient’s wife. “What your husband needs most of all is rest and quiet,” said the doctor. “These are tranquilizer pills. You should take one every three hours.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Marriage” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, how do I cure my sleepwalking?
Doctor: Put bubble-wrap on your bedroom floor.
Have you heard about the doctor who made enough money in his medical practice that he could occasionally afford to tell a patient that there was nothing wrong with him?
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Do not worry - you are just a little hoarse!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Horses and Ponies” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A young doctor, raised in the city, opened his practice in a rural area and tried to become a country doctor. The second day, his doorbell rang at 4:30 a.m. He stumbled toward the door; his mind scrambling to be alert for what must be a terrible emergency. Opening the door, he was surprised to see a farmer, looking quite fit. “Good heavens, man, what is it?” the doctor asked. “Nothing much,” said the farmer. “You asked me to drop by for my checkup just before breakfast, and here I am.”
“The great secret of medicine, known to doctors but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves.” -Lewis Thomas
Stuart: “First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got erysipelas with hemochromatosis. Following that, I got poliomyelitis, and finally, I ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”
Wallace: “Wow, you had a time!”
Stuart: “I’ll say! I thought I would never pull through that spelling test.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Word Spellings” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, do I have an underactive thyroid?
Doctor: No, just an overactive fork.
A fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and then told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his height, weight, and medical history, and then told him to wait in the waiting room. Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and then told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor said, “Where?” The man said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
“The best of healers is good cheer.” -Pindar (about 518 B.C.E. - about 438 B.C.E.): “Nemean Ode”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Happiness” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: “When I touch my tongue to aluminum foil wrapped around a balloon while leaning against a washing machine, I feel a peculiar tingling in my toes - what is wrong with me?”
Doctor: “You have too much spare time.”
“I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill, but you can never read his prescription.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936)
If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor the doctor the way a doctor who doctors doctors doctors doctors?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Tongue Twisters” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Parent: Doctor, Doctor, my child has swallowed a pen!
Doctor: Do not worry - just use a pencil until I get there.
Doctor: You are probably wearing one of your socks on your head.
A doctor told a man that if he ran 5 miles a day for 300 days, he would lose 75 pounds. At the end of 300 days, the man called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. The man said, “I’m 1,500 miles from home.”
Tonsillectomy
“Your tonsils, it seems, are too big,”
Said my doctor, and straightened his wig.
“There isn’t a doubt
That they’ll have to come out.”
And he giggled and danced a short jig.
by Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Limericks” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Surprised to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Doc, exactly what is my ailment?” The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
A doctor was consulting with his patient. “I checked your symptoms on Google. If you want a second opinion, I’ll check with Yahoo.”
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me!
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I have some coins stuck in my ear.
Doctor: How long have they been there?
Patient: A year.
Doctor: Why did you not come in sooner?
Patient: I did not need the money until now.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Money” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A man walked into a doctor’s office and was sent immediately to an exam room. The doctor entered and looked him over. The man had a green bean sticking out of his left ear, a carrot sticking out of his right ear, and a celery stalk sticking out of one nostril. “Doc, it is just terrible, I am in awful shape - what do you think it could be that is the matter with me?” The doctor replied, “Well, for starters, you are not eating properly.”
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor: Face the window, please. Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: Why do I have to face the window?
Doctor: Because I want the man next door to see it.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Neighborhoods And Neighbors” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A man sat in a doctor’s office and kept up a strange litany: “I hope I am sick . . . I hope I am sick . . .” Another waiting patient asked, “Why do you want to be sick?” The man replied, “I would hate to be well and feel like this!”
“What is diagnosed well can be cured well.” [English translation]
“Bene diagnoscitur, bene curatur.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have canary disease.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: It is tweetable.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Birds” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should - I stayed up all night practicing.
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts! Can you check it out?” The doctor rolled up the man’s sleeve and suddenly, the man’s arm started talking. “Hello, doctor,” said the arm. “Could you lend me twenty dollars, please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!” said the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
A man went to see his doctor. He was suffering from acute anxiety and seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After the examination, the doctor went into the consultation room to discuss the case with the patient’s wife. “What your husband needs most of all is rest and quiet,” said the doctor. “These are tranquilizer pills. You should take one every three hours.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Marriage” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, how do I cure my sleepwalking?
Doctor: Put bubble-wrap on your bedroom floor.
Have you heard about the doctor who made enough money in his medical practice that he could occasionally afford to tell a patient that there was nothing wrong with him?
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Do not worry - you are just a little hoarse!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Horses and Ponies” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A young doctor, raised in the city, opened his practice in a rural area and tried to become a country doctor. The second day, his doorbell rang at 4:30 a.m. He stumbled toward the door; his mind scrambling to be alert for what must be a terrible emergency. Opening the door, he was surprised to see a farmer, looking quite fit. “Good heavens, man, what is it?” the doctor asked. “Nothing much,” said the farmer. “You asked me to drop by for my checkup just before breakfast, and here I am.”
“The great secret of medicine, known to doctors but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves.” -Lewis Thomas
Stuart: “First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got erysipelas with hemochromatosis. Following that, I got poliomyelitis, and finally, I ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”
Wallace: “Wow, you had a time!”
Stuart: “I’ll say! I thought I would never pull through that spelling test.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Word Spellings” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, do I have an underactive thyroid?
Doctor: No, just an overactive fork.
A fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and then told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his height, weight, and medical history, and then told him to wait in the waiting room. Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and then told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor said, “Where?” The man said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
“The best of healers is good cheer.” -Pindar (about 518 B.C.E. - about 438 B.C.E.): “Nemean Ode”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Happiness” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: “When I touch my tongue to aluminum foil wrapped around a balloon while leaning against a washing machine, I feel a peculiar tingling in my toes - what is wrong with me?”
Doctor: “You have too much spare time.”
“I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill, but you can never read his prescription.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936)
If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor the doctor the way a doctor who doctors doctors doctors doctors?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Tongue Twisters” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Parent: Doctor, Doctor, my child has swallowed a pen!
Doctor: Do not worry - just use a pencil until I get there.
Yes, would you believe it - he says he is a real doctor!
“No families take so little medicine as those of doctors, except those of apothecaries*.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1841 - 1935): “Medical Essays”
*apothecaries are similar to pharmacists but different somehow
“Doctor’s office: A place where people who are run down wind up.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Daffynitions and Definitions” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A saintly Christian fellow went to the doctor for a medical checkup. He said to the doctor, “I feel terrible. I have excruciating pains in my head. Please tell me what is wrong with me.” “Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor. “Do you drink much?” “Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop of that stuff.” “How about smoking?” asked the doctor. “Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Are you up late nights?” asked the doctor. “Oh, no,” said the man. “Worldliness is a sin. I’m against it. I am always in bed by 9:30 every night - always have been.” “I have seen this before,” said the doctor. “It just may be that your halo is on too tight.”
“First, do no harm.” [translation to English]
“Primum non nocere.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown: “Hippocratic Oath”
Patient: I think I’m losing my memory.
Doctor: When did it start?
Patient: When did what start?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Memory and Memories” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Oh, that hurts!” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Even that hurts,” she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then told her his diagnosis: “You have a broken finger.”
“The best six doctors: sunshine, water, rest, air, exercise, diet.” -Wayne Fields
Bumper Sticker: Orthopedists Get All The Breaks.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Bumper Stickers And License Plates” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You appear to have a cold.
Patient: Actually, I am just rehearsing for the part of Sneezy in “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
“Doctor: The only person who actually enjoys poor health.” -Author Unknown
A Brief History of Medicine: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
- “Here, eat this root.” (2000 B.C.E.)
- “That root is heathen; here, say this magic spell.” (1000 B.C.E.)
- “That magic spell is superstition, drink this potion.” (1850)
- “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.” (1940)
- “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.” (1985)
- “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.” (2000)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about History” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Mister Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds.” When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly sixty pounds. “Why, that is simply amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” Mr. Lee nodded. “I will tell you though, I thought I was going to collapse on the third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”
A man walked into a doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry growing on my arm!” The doctor replied, “I can give you some cream for that.”
Will doctors ever go from ‘practicing medicine’ to ‘conducting medicine’?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Questions And Queries” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, I think my eyesight is getting worse.
Clerk: It certainly is - this is a jewelry store!
“Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
“The great doctors all got their education off dirt pavements and poverty - not marble floors and foundations.” -Martin H. Fischer (1879 - 1962)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Poverty and Prosperity” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
“My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,” complained the patient. “What have you been eating?” asked the doctor. “I only eat jelly beans.” “Jelly beans?!” exclaimed the astonished doctor. “Maybe that is the trouble. What kind do you eat?” “All kinds,” replied the man, “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.” “I see the problem,” said the doctor. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”
A nurse was giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital. The intern approached one bedridden patient and asked, “Why are you here?” The patient replied, “O my Luve’s like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June.” The intern moved on to the next bed and asked the same question, “Why are you here?” The patient answered, “Man’s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn!” The intern moved on to a third bed and asked again, “Why are you here?” to which the third patient replied, “The best laid plans of mice and men may often gang awry.” At this, the intern turned to the nurse and asked, “What ward is this anyway?” The nurse answered, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
“God heales, and the physitian hath the thankes.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in George Herbert (1593 - 1633): “Jacula Prudentum; or Outlandish Proverbs, Sentences, &c. Selected by Mr. George Herbert” (1651), proverb 169
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Gratitude and Thankfulness” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Doctor: Are you stringing me along?
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.
Doctor: One at a time, please.
“I cannot do the things I used to do,” a patient said to the doctor. “I wish you had some magic way of making me younger.” “You have it all wrong,” the doctor said. “My job is to see that you get older.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Age and Aging” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with dyspepsia?
Patience: Only once.
Doctor: When was that?
Patient: When I tried to spell it.
A typical American hospital has three to six times more employees than patients. So, the next time you go to the hospital, perhaps it should be to fill out an employment application.
Patient: Doctor, how long will my arm be in this cast?
Doctor: At least six weeks.
Patient: When you remove it, will I be able to play the violin?
Doctor: Of course.
Patient: That is great, because I could never play one before.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Music” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A woman rushed into a doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You will just have to be a little patient.”
Patient: Doctor, can you give me something for my liver?
Doctor: Certainly - here is an onion!
Doctor: Your pulse is as steady as a clock.
Patient: You have your hand on my wristwatch.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Clocks and Timepieces” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Farmer: Doctor, I have potatoes in my ears.
Doctor: How did that happen?
Farmer: I do not know - I planted carrots.
Have you heard about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor’s fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his supervisor to the personnel director to increase his salary. And, to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
“Medical education is not completed at the medical school, it is only begun.” -William H. Welch
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Humor And Inspiration And Learning About Continuing And Progressing” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient on phone: I cannot sleep, Doctor. Can you do anything for me?
Doctor: Stay on the phone and I will sing you a lullaby.
A doctor decided to take a week off from the pressures of his busy medical practice, and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Seconds later, a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, the doctor was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche could overtake him. Just as luckily, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but the doctor had returned to the lodge from a day of skiing, a rescue team was sent out to search for him. It was nearly dark when the searchers saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head in the cave, one of the rescuers yelled, “Doctor, are you in there? It’s the Red Cross.” Bristling, the harried doctor called back, “I already gave at the office!”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Charitable Giving and Helping” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A doctor had worked out the vacation plans for the people he had working in his office. As they looked at the schedule, the doctor said, “All in favor, stick out your tongues and say, ‘Aaahhh.’”
“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Hopes And Dreams” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The education of the doctor which goes on after he has his degree is after all the most important part of his education.” -John Shaw Billings
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I am afraid of squirrels!
Doctor: Afraid of squirrels - are you a nut?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Squirrels And Chipmunks” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
If these jokes are not making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor, and if these jokes are making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor - what do we know, we are not doctors and we do not give medical advice . . . we are MFOL!
“No families take so little medicine as those of doctors, except those of apothecaries*.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1841 - 1935): “Medical Essays”
*apothecaries are similar to pharmacists but different somehow
“Doctor’s office: A place where people who are run down wind up.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Daffynitions and Definitions” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A saintly Christian fellow went to the doctor for a medical checkup. He said to the doctor, “I feel terrible. I have excruciating pains in my head. Please tell me what is wrong with me.” “Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor. “Do you drink much?” “Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop of that stuff.” “How about smoking?” asked the doctor. “Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Are you up late nights?” asked the doctor. “Oh, no,” said the man. “Worldliness is a sin. I’m against it. I am always in bed by 9:30 every night - always have been.” “I have seen this before,” said the doctor. “It just may be that your halo is on too tight.”
“First, do no harm.” [translation to English]
“Primum non nocere.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown: “Hippocratic Oath”
Patient: I think I’m losing my memory.
Doctor: When did it start?
Patient: When did what start?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Memory and Memories” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Oh, that hurts!” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Even that hurts,” she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then told her his diagnosis: “You have a broken finger.”
“The best six doctors: sunshine, water, rest, air, exercise, diet.” -Wayne Fields
Bumper Sticker: Orthopedists Get All The Breaks.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun And Learning About Bumper Stickers And License Plates” Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You appear to have a cold.
Patient: Actually, I am just rehearsing for the part of Sneezy in “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
“Doctor: The only person who actually enjoys poor health.” -Author Unknown
A Brief History of Medicine: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
- “Here, eat this root.” (2000 B.C.E.)
- “That root is heathen; here, say this magic spell.” (1000 B.C.E.)
- “That magic spell is superstition, drink this potion.” (1850)
- “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.” (1940)
- “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.” (1985)
- “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.” (2000)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about History” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.
Mister Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds.” When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly sixty pounds. “Why, that is simply amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” Mr. Lee nodded. “I will tell you though, I thought I was going to collapse on the third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”
A man walked into a doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry growing on my arm!” The doctor replied, “I can give you some cream for that.”
Will doctors ever go from ‘practicing medicine’ to ‘conducting medicine’?
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Patient: Doctor, I think my eyesight is getting worse.
Clerk: It certainly is - this is a jewelry store!
“Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
“The great doctors all got their education off dirt pavements and poverty - not marble floors and foundations.” -Martin H. Fischer (1879 - 1962)
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“My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,” complained the patient. “What have you been eating?” asked the doctor. “I only eat jelly beans.” “Jelly beans?!” exclaimed the astonished doctor. “Maybe that is the trouble. What kind do you eat?” “All kinds,” replied the man, “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.” “I see the problem,” said the doctor. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”
A nurse was giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital. The intern approached one bedridden patient and asked, “Why are you here?” The patient replied, “O my Luve’s like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June.” The intern moved on to the next bed and asked the same question, “Why are you here?” The patient answered, “Man’s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn!” The intern moved on to a third bed and asked again, “Why are you here?” to which the third patient replied, “The best laid plans of mice and men may often gang awry.” At this, the intern turned to the nurse and asked, “What ward is this anyway?” The nurse answered, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
“God heales, and the physitian hath the thankes.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in George Herbert (1593 - 1633): “Jacula Prudentum; or Outlandish Proverbs, Sentences, &c. Selected by Mr. George Herbert” (1651), proverb 169
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Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Doctor: Are you stringing me along?
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.
Doctor: One at a time, please.
“I cannot do the things I used to do,” a patient said to the doctor. “I wish you had some magic way of making me younger.” “You have it all wrong,” the doctor said. “My job is to see that you get older.”
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Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with dyspepsia?
Patience: Only once.
Doctor: When was that?
Patient: When I tried to spell it.
A typical American hospital has three to six times more employees than patients. So, the next time you go to the hospital, perhaps it should be to fill out an employment application.
Patient: Doctor, how long will my arm be in this cast?
Doctor: At least six weeks.
Patient: When you remove it, will I be able to play the violin?
Doctor: Of course.
Patient: That is great, because I could never play one before.
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A woman rushed into a doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You will just have to be a little patient.”
Patient: Doctor, can you give me something for my liver?
Doctor: Certainly - here is an onion!
Doctor: Your pulse is as steady as a clock.
Patient: You have your hand on my wristwatch.
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Farmer: Doctor, I have potatoes in my ears.
Doctor: How did that happen?
Farmer: I do not know - I planted carrots.
Have you heard about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor’s fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his supervisor to the personnel director to increase his salary. And, to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
“Medical education is not completed at the medical school, it is only begun.” -William H. Welch
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Patient on phone: I cannot sleep, Doctor. Can you do anything for me?
Doctor: Stay on the phone and I will sing you a lullaby.
A doctor decided to take a week off from the pressures of his busy medical practice, and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Seconds later, a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, the doctor was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche could overtake him. Just as luckily, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but the doctor had returned to the lodge from a day of skiing, a rescue team was sent out to search for him. It was nearly dark when the searchers saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head in the cave, one of the rescuers yelled, “Doctor, are you in there? It’s the Red Cross.” Bristling, the harried doctor called back, “I already gave at the office!”
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A doctor had worked out the vacation plans for the people he had working in his office. As they looked at the schedule, the doctor said, “All in favor, stick out your tongues and say, ‘Aaahhh.’”
“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” -Author Unknown
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“The education of the doctor which goes on after he has his degree is after all the most important part of his education.” -John Shaw Billings
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I am afraid of squirrels!
Doctor: Afraid of squirrels - are you a nut?
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“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
If these jokes are not making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor, and if these jokes are making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor - what do we know, we are not doctors and we do not give medical advice . . . we are MFOL!
