Even monsters like to have fun. Here we see Frankenstein’s Monster and Wolf Man sharing a laugh.
Arnie: What is big, red, and eats rocks?
Arnold: A big red rock eater!
Lydia: Why don’t monsters play hide-and-seek?
Lindsey: Who would want to look for them?
“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.” -André Gide (André Paul Guillaume Gide (1869 - 1951))
Estelle: Where should a 3,000-pound monster go?
Esther: On a diet!
Hughie: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Goldie: Because he wanted a light snack.
Teratrophobia is a persistent fear of monsters, but did you know that the reason monsters hide under beds, ghosts hide in vacant houses, and the boogieman hides in closets is that they are all afraid of you?
Pauline: What is the best way to speak to a big scary monster?
Lynette: From a long distance!
Dom: What do monsters call human beings?
Don: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
Monster Facts
- A monster is an imaginary creature that is often large or frightening in appearance.
- Monsters can be ogres, ghouls, goblins, half-human-half-animals, space aliens, sea monsters, or any of many other types.
- A group of monsters is called a gang, a troupe, or a horror.
- Monsters will eat anything, including people, buildings, rocks, and lasagna.
- If you see a motionless monster, do not poke it with a stick to see if it is alive, because it might be just taking a nap - and monsters can wake up grumpy or hungry from their naps.
- People often mistake ordinary animals and other people for monsters when they cannot see them clearly, as for example, when it is dark or wooded.
Manny: When is the best time to talk to a monster?
Manuel: When it isn’t hungry!
Ronnie: What did the monster eat after the dentist worked on its teeth?
Ronald: The dentist.
Ghouls
Do ghouls
Go out
On a rainy day?
When it
Splishes and
Splashes,
Do
Ghouls
Wear
Ghoul-oshes?
by Lilian Moore
Mae: What is the best way to talk to a huge hideous scary monster?
Kay: By long-distance phone call.
Julius: Why did the monster cross the road?
Julia: Why, are you afraid to ask him?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur, who?
Arthur any monsters under the bed?
Chet: What should you do with a blue monster?
Chester: Cheer her up!
Myrtle: How do you make a blue monster green?
Gertie: Take her on a roller coaster ride!
It’s Boring Being a Monster
It’s boring being a monster,
Chasing kids around,
Hiding underneath their beds,
Not making any sound -
It’s boring waiting on the stairs,
Hoping they’ll walk by,
Boring making little creaks,
Trying to make kids cry.
It takes so long to learn this trade,
To skulk and tap and moan,
It’s boring waiting all the time
In someone else’s home.
I want to see the world out there,
I want to make some friends,
Waiting for the night-time
Never seems to end.
I’d like to slide down banisters,
Shriek and yell and scream,
Boogie to some disco songs,
Let off a bit of steam,
I’d like to run around the house,
Turn on all the lights,
Eat marshmallows, watch TV,
On dark and dismal nights.
I’d like to have a bath sometimes,
And clean my smelly hair -
Put some decent clothes on,
For someone who would care.
I’d like to sit down to a meal,
Smile and laugh and chat,
Have a coffee and ice-cream,
Put on a little fat.
I dream of being normal,
Having a little fun -
It’s boring being a monster,
When all is said and done.
by Author Unknown
Annette: What do you call a monster that has a bunch of children?
Annie: A momster!
Pierce: Where can lost monsters be found?
Percy: Monsters are so big that they never get lost.
Arnie: What is big, red, and eats rocks?
Arnold: A big red rock eater!
Lydia: Why don’t monsters play hide-and-seek?
Lindsey: Who would want to look for them?
“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.” -André Gide (André Paul Guillaume Gide (1869 - 1951))
Estelle: Where should a 3,000-pound monster go?
Esther: On a diet!
Hughie: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Goldie: Because he wanted a light snack.
Teratrophobia is a persistent fear of monsters, but did you know that the reason monsters hide under beds, ghosts hide in vacant houses, and the boogieman hides in closets is that they are all afraid of you?
Pauline: What is the best way to speak to a big scary monster?
Lynette: From a long distance!
Dom: What do monsters call human beings?
Don: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
Monster Facts
- A monster is an imaginary creature that is often large or frightening in appearance.
- Monsters can be ogres, ghouls, goblins, half-human-half-animals, space aliens, sea monsters, or any of many other types.
- A group of monsters is called a gang, a troupe, or a horror.
- Monsters will eat anything, including people, buildings, rocks, and lasagna.
- If you see a motionless monster, do not poke it with a stick to see if it is alive, because it might be just taking a nap - and monsters can wake up grumpy or hungry from their naps.
- People often mistake ordinary animals and other people for monsters when they cannot see them clearly, as for example, when it is dark or wooded.
Manny: When is the best time to talk to a monster?
Manuel: When it isn’t hungry!
Ronnie: What did the monster eat after the dentist worked on its teeth?
Ronald: The dentist.
Ghouls
Do ghouls
Go out
On a rainy day?
When it
Splishes and
Splashes,
Do
Ghouls
Wear
Ghoul-oshes?
by Lilian Moore
Mae: What is the best way to talk to a huge hideous scary monster?
Kay: By long-distance phone call.
Julius: Why did the monster cross the road?
Julia: Why, are you afraid to ask him?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur, who?
Arthur any monsters under the bed?
Chet: What should you do with a blue monster?
Chester: Cheer her up!
Myrtle: How do you make a blue monster green?
Gertie: Take her on a roller coaster ride!
It’s Boring Being a Monster
It’s boring being a monster,
Chasing kids around,
Hiding underneath their beds,
Not making any sound -
It’s boring waiting on the stairs,
Hoping they’ll walk by,
Boring making little creaks,
Trying to make kids cry.
It takes so long to learn this trade,
To skulk and tap and moan,
It’s boring waiting all the time
In someone else’s home.
I want to see the world out there,
I want to make some friends,
Waiting for the night-time
Never seems to end.
I’d like to slide down banisters,
Shriek and yell and scream,
Boogie to some disco songs,
Let off a bit of steam,
I’d like to run around the house,
Turn on all the lights,
Eat marshmallows, watch TV,
On dark and dismal nights.
I’d like to have a bath sometimes,
And clean my smelly hair -
Put some decent clothes on,
For someone who would care.
I’d like to sit down to a meal,
Smile and laugh and chat,
Have a coffee and ice-cream,
Put on a little fat.
I dream of being normal,
Having a little fun -
It’s boring being a monster,
When all is said and done.
by Author Unknown
Annette: What do you call a monster that has a bunch of children?
Annie: A momster!
Pierce: Where can lost monsters be found?
Percy: Monsters are so big that they never get lost.
These ‘monsters’ are just silly people in costumes.
Howard: What does a boy monster call a girl who has three eyes, two noses, and three mouths?
Howie: Cute!
Melonie: How does a monster count to twenty-three?
Melody: On his fingers.
Alvin Schwartz’s book “Kickle Snifters” (1 January 1976) describes creatures that maybe don’t really exist. The rubberado moves by bouncing, and laughs each time it lands. Bouncing is the only way a rubberado can get around. The squonk is always crying. If you catch a squonk and put it in a sack, it will cry so hard that nothing is left but a puddle. Kickle snifters live in old men’s beards. They laugh all the time because beards tickle. When a wunk gets scared, it digs a hole and jumps in, and then it pulls the hole in after it. These and other creatures are found in this astounding book available at your local public library and through booksellers.
Bartholomew: Why did the Blob eat the North Pole?
Barry: Because it wanted a frozen dinner.
Dorothy: What’s the difference between a huge, scary monster and a puppy?
Dottie: People like puppies.
Official Bedtime Checklist for Monsters in the Home
□ Say loudly, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
□ Check under beds with flashlight.
□ Check behind curtains.
□ Look in closets.
□ Look behind you.
□ Listen for noises.
□ Look inside all major appliances: washing machine, dryer, refrigerator, oven.
□ Jump into bed and hide under the covers.
□ Breath deep and relax.
□ Sweet dreams!
Eve: Why did the monster knit herself three socks?
Evelyn: Because she grew another foot.
Pearl: What happened to the monster who took the five o’clock train home?
Ruby: He had to give it back.
“Don’t eat with your fingers, dear,” said the humongous monster to her son. “Use your shovel.”
Patricia: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Patty: Give him some screws.
Zeke: What do you say when you greet a two-headed monster?
Ezekiel: “Hello! Hello!”
Ghoul
A ghoul stood on a bridge one night,
Its lips were all a-quiver;
It gave a cough,
Its leg fell off,
And floated down the river.
by Author Unknown
(Don’t worry for the ghoul - it grew a new leg - but for almost a month it had the nickname ‘Hop-Along.’)
Floyd: Why did everyone laugh when the ogre sat down to play the grand piano?
Lloyd: Because there wasn’t a piano bench!
Florence: Where do ogres dance?
Laurence: At the odd ball!
<0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0>
The Monster
I thought I saw a monster
Underneath my bed -
His tongue was yellow,
And his eyes were red.
I thought I saw a monster
Underneath my chair -
His face was purple,
And he had pink hair.
I thought I saw a monster
In my room last night -
His legs were orange,
And his feet were white.
I thought I saw a monster
And that he saw me -
But don’t tell my mother,
She’ll be scared you see.
by Author Unknown
<0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0>
Daniel: What did the ogre get for his birthday?
Danny: Another year older!
Cecilia: What is green and purple and goes, “Crunch, crunch”?
Amelia: A monster eating crackers in bed.
Aggie: Why can’t you join a monster in a glass of milk?
Agnes: Because there isn’t room for both of you in one glass.
“Two heads are better than one . . . as every two-headed monster will tell you.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Brenda: What kind of fur do you get from a monster?
Branden: As fur as you can get.
First Monster: There is an awful rumbling in my stomach - like a cart going over a cobblestone street.
Second Monster: It is probably just that truck you ate for dinner.
Monsters Quiz
- Are monsters real?
- Is ‘imagination run wild’ a good definition of a monster, and what other ways are there to describe a monster?
- After escaping from our imaginations, where do monsters go to live?
- Are there enough monsters in the world, or should we use our imaginations to make some more?
- What should you do if you see a monster?
- Can you draw a monster for us?
Dawn: What is big, scary, and has three wheels?
Don: A monster riding a tricycle!
Clarissa: Where can a monster always find a friend?
Melissa: In the dictionary.
Why do monsters hide under beds?
- They feel safe there.
- They hope to hear a bedtime story.
- They can just roll right into the space.
- It’s like, out of sight, man.
- Monster hunters rarely go under beds.
- They’re afraid you might eat them.
Stan: What is the best thing about being a two-headed monster?
Lee: You can always tell when you have bad breath.
Mandy: How does a ghoul eat?
Amanda: By goblin.
Overheard: I am 36 years old, and I am still afraid that there are monsters under my bed, and that they will eat my feet and hands if they dangle off the edge of the bed!
Sylvia: Who grants wishes to unhappy goblins?
Leah: Their scary godmother.
Owen: What should you do if a monster shows up at your door?
Osmer: Hope it’s Halloween!
Gorgon
The Gorgon, it’s known, is quite prone
To stare and turn people to stone.
Some Greek myths declare
She had snakes for hair.
It’s enough to make Frankenstein groan.
by Author Unknown
Lemuel: Why do demons and ghouls spend so much time together?
Samuel: Because demons are a ghoul’s best fiend.
Phoebe: Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?
Ophelia: Because he wasn’t very hungry.
Do ghouls gorge on goulash?
Daddy Monster: Why does our little boy have so many holes in his head?
Mommy Monster: Isn’t it just darling? He’s learning to eat with a fork today.
Eli: What is round and green, is covered with yellow hair, has big scaly claws, weighs five hundred pounds, and goes, “Peckety-peck-peck!”?
Lilly: There is no such creature, you silly person!
Sometimes, one joke is just not enough to get a monster through the day, so we have many monster jokes. Now go out there and make monstrous fun of life - because out there is where it is all happening!
Howard: What does a boy monster call a girl who has three eyes, two noses, and three mouths?
Howie: Cute!
Melonie: How does a monster count to twenty-three?
Melody: On his fingers.
Alvin Schwartz’s book “Kickle Snifters” (1 January 1976) describes creatures that maybe don’t really exist. The rubberado moves by bouncing, and laughs each time it lands. Bouncing is the only way a rubberado can get around. The squonk is always crying. If you catch a squonk and put it in a sack, it will cry so hard that nothing is left but a puddle. Kickle snifters live in old men’s beards. They laugh all the time because beards tickle. When a wunk gets scared, it digs a hole and jumps in, and then it pulls the hole in after it. These and other creatures are found in this astounding book available at your local public library and through booksellers.
Bartholomew: Why did the Blob eat the North Pole?
Barry: Because it wanted a frozen dinner.
Dorothy: What’s the difference between a huge, scary monster and a puppy?
Dottie: People like puppies.
Official Bedtime Checklist for Monsters in the Home
□ Say loudly, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
□ Check under beds with flashlight.
□ Check behind curtains.
□ Look in closets.
□ Look behind you.
□ Listen for noises.
□ Look inside all major appliances: washing machine, dryer, refrigerator, oven.
□ Jump into bed and hide under the covers.
□ Breath deep and relax.
□ Sweet dreams!
Eve: Why did the monster knit herself three socks?
Evelyn: Because she grew another foot.
Pearl: What happened to the monster who took the five o’clock train home?
Ruby: He had to give it back.
“Don’t eat with your fingers, dear,” said the humongous monster to her son. “Use your shovel.”
Patricia: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Patty: Give him some screws.
Zeke: What do you say when you greet a two-headed monster?
Ezekiel: “Hello! Hello!”
Ghoul
A ghoul stood on a bridge one night,
Its lips were all a-quiver;
It gave a cough,
Its leg fell off,
And floated down the river.
by Author Unknown
(Don’t worry for the ghoul - it grew a new leg - but for almost a month it had the nickname ‘Hop-Along.’)
Floyd: Why did everyone laugh when the ogre sat down to play the grand piano?
Lloyd: Because there wasn’t a piano bench!
Florence: Where do ogres dance?
Laurence: At the odd ball!
<0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0>
The Monster
I thought I saw a monster
Underneath my bed -
His tongue was yellow,
And his eyes were red.
I thought I saw a monster
Underneath my chair -
His face was purple,
And he had pink hair.
I thought I saw a monster
In my room last night -
His legs were orange,
And his feet were white.
I thought I saw a monster
And that he saw me -
But don’t tell my mother,
She’ll be scared you see.
by Author Unknown
<0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0> <0>_^_^_<0>
Daniel: What did the ogre get for his birthday?
Danny: Another year older!
Cecilia: What is green and purple and goes, “Crunch, crunch”?
Amelia: A monster eating crackers in bed.
Aggie: Why can’t you join a monster in a glass of milk?
Agnes: Because there isn’t room for both of you in one glass.
“Two heads are better than one . . . as every two-headed monster will tell you.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Brenda: What kind of fur do you get from a monster?
Branden: As fur as you can get.
First Monster: There is an awful rumbling in my stomach - like a cart going over a cobblestone street.
Second Monster: It is probably just that truck you ate for dinner.
Monsters Quiz
- Are monsters real?
- Is ‘imagination run wild’ a good definition of a monster, and what other ways are there to describe a monster?
- After escaping from our imaginations, where do monsters go to live?
- Are there enough monsters in the world, or should we use our imaginations to make some more?
- What should you do if you see a monster?
- Can you draw a monster for us?
Dawn: What is big, scary, and has three wheels?
Don: A monster riding a tricycle!
Clarissa: Where can a monster always find a friend?
Melissa: In the dictionary.
Why do monsters hide under beds?
- They feel safe there.
- They hope to hear a bedtime story.
- They can just roll right into the space.
- It’s like, out of sight, man.
- Monster hunters rarely go under beds.
- They’re afraid you might eat them.
Stan: What is the best thing about being a two-headed monster?
Lee: You can always tell when you have bad breath.
Mandy: How does a ghoul eat?
Amanda: By goblin.
Overheard: I am 36 years old, and I am still afraid that there are monsters under my bed, and that they will eat my feet and hands if they dangle off the edge of the bed!
Sylvia: Who grants wishes to unhappy goblins?
Leah: Their scary godmother.
Owen: What should you do if a monster shows up at your door?
Osmer: Hope it’s Halloween!
Gorgon
The Gorgon, it’s known, is quite prone
To stare and turn people to stone.
Some Greek myths declare
She had snakes for hair.
It’s enough to make Frankenstein groan.
by Author Unknown
Lemuel: Why do demons and ghouls spend so much time together?
Samuel: Because demons are a ghoul’s best fiend.
Phoebe: Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?
Ophelia: Because he wasn’t very hungry.
Do ghouls gorge on goulash?
Daddy Monster: Why does our little boy have so many holes in his head?
Mommy Monster: Isn’t it just darling? He’s learning to eat with a fork today.
Eli: What is round and green, is covered with yellow hair, has big scaly claws, weighs five hundred pounds, and goes, “Peckety-peck-peck!”?
Lilly: There is no such creature, you silly person!
Sometimes, one joke is just not enough to get a monster through the day, so we have many monster jokes. Now go out there and make monstrous fun of life - because out there is where it is all happening!
