Make Fun Of Life!

Here’s a Rabbit

4/20/2022

Picture of a rabbit standing on its hind legs with its front legs dangling, in a green grassy area with green leafy bushes in the background.

Here’s a Rabbit

Oh, here’s a fluffy rabbit,
     With two ears so very long,
See him hop, hop, hop about,
     On legs so very strong.

He nibbles, nibbles carrots,
     For his dinner every day,
And as soon as he has had enough,
     He hops, hops, hops away.

by Author Unknown

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Horse

3/28/2022

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Picture of a group of people riding horseback single-file on a dirt road through a wooded area.

Horse

Who gallops swiftly down the lane,
     Slowing to a trot when I pull the rein?
Who has a pony tail and a mane?
     Of course - it’s my horse!

Who loves to jump and leap and bound,
     Stomping its hooves upon the ground?
Who likes to play and horse around?
     Of course - it’s my horse!

Who nibbles oats and piles of hay?
     Who has a stable where to stay?
Who likes to whinny and just say “Neigh”?
     Of course - it’s my horse!

by Author Unknown

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The Little Turtle

3/16/2022

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Picture of a small Box Turtle in a green grassy area.

The Little Turtle

There was a little turtle.
     He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
     He climbed on the rocks.

He snapped at a mosquito.
     He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
     And he snapped at me.

He caught the mosquito.
     He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
     But he can’t catch me.

by Vachel Lindsay

Nicholas Vachel Lindsay was born on 10 November 1879 in Springfield, Illinois, United States of America. He became a poet. Nicholas Vachel Lindsay passed on at 52 years of age on 5 December 1931 in Springfield, Illinois, United States of America.

Image shown: A Box Turtle, a type of semi-aquatic omnivore, often ranging from 13 to 15 centimeters (5 to 6 inches) from head to tail, and humorously described in the poem above as an animal that will eat anything it can catch.

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Ducks

11/29/2021

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Picture of two Pekin ducks with white feathers and orange beaks, swimming in water.

To succeed in life, we must be like ducks, which seem to effortlessly float along in the water, but which paddle energetically just out of sight beneath the water’s surface. Shown above is a pair of Pekin Ducks.

Pekin Ducks are a common farm duck raised for meat and eggs. The ducklings are covered in yellow down, and the adult birds have white feathers. They were brought to America from China in the 1870’s. Another popular farm duck is the Rouen duck, which was originally from France; this duck still has Mallard-like coloring. The Muscovy is an American breed of farm duck having dark feathers.

Jenny: What time do ducks wake up?
Denny: At the quack of dawn!

Ducks are mostly aquatic, or water, birds that live in freshwater and seawater. They can swim on the water’s surface by paddling with their webbed feet, and dive below the water’s surface to find food. Ducks can walk on land and fly through the air. Ducks build nests and lay eggs in them that hatch into ducklings.

Amelia: What type of movie is about water fowl?
Cecelia: A duckumentary.

Gretchen: Why did the duck join the military?
Gerard: She was good at quacking codes.

“When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.” -James Whitcomb Riley (1849 - 1916)

“Suppose you see a bird walking around in a farm yard. This bird has no label that says ‘duck.’ But the bird certainly looks like a duck. Also, he goes to the pond and you notice that he swims like a duck. Then he opens his beak and quacks like a duck. Well, by this time you have probably reached the conclusion that the bird is a duck, whether he’s wearing a label or not.” -Richard Cunningham Patterson, Junior (1886 - 1966)

“If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands.” -Douglas Adams (Douglas Noel Adams (1952 - 2001)): “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency” (1987)

“If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but it needs batteries, you probably have the wrong abstraction.” -Author Unknown: analogy of the Liskov Substitution Principle, suggested by Barbara Liskov: “Data Extraction and Hierarchy” (1987) speech

Ducks cannot walk without bobbing their heads.

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken walked up and said, “Don’t do it, Duck, because you’ll never hear the end of it!”

Amos: What do ducks put on their Christmas trees?
Moses: Duckerations!

Ducks Facts
- An adult male duck is called a drake.
- An adult female duck is called a hen.
- A young duck is called a duckling.
- The plural of duck is ducks.
- A group of ducks is called a flock.
- A group of ducks in water is called a raft.
- The sound made by ducks is called quacking.
- Ducks are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals.
- Ducks can live for 3 to 10 years in the wild.
- Ducks can live for 8 or more years in captivity.
- Ducks are found on every continent except Antarctica.

Diving ducks and sea ducks search for food deep underwater. To be able to stay underwater more easily, diving ducks are heavy.

Picture of a pair of Mandarin ducks, swimming in water.

Mandarin Ducks seem to be in competition with butterflies for colors and patterns. The female Mandarin Duck is on the left, and the male Mandarin Duck is the colorful one on the right.

Laura: What do ducks like to eat with soup?
Lauren: Quackers!

Ducks in the wild are omnivores, or animals that eat plants and animals. They have a varied diet, feeding on aquatic (water) plants, grasses, frogs, small fish, small shellfish, snails, slugs, worms, grubs, insects, and other edibles in their environment.

Troubled Duck

A duck that I happened to hear
Was complaining quite sadly, “Oh, dear!
     Our picnic’s today,
     But the weathermen say
That the skies will be sunny and clear.”

by Author Unknown

Let’s make a new animal that we’ll call the ‘duckopotamus.’ Half duck, half hippopotamus, and perfect for flying between bodies of water like rivers and lakes to remove algae overgrowths from them with its huge appetite. Quick, let’s get to the patent office before anyone else thinks of doing this!

Jake: Why was the duck’s medical license revoked?
Jack: Because he was a quack.

A duck waddled into a store to buy some lipstick. The clerk asked how she would like to pay for it, and the duck said, “Just put it on my bill.”

Dabbling ducks feed on the surface of water, on land, or by ducking their heads underwater. Along the edge of their beaks is a comb-like structure called a pecten, which enables them to filter nutrients from the water and hold onto slippery food.

Margie: What goes, “Quick, quick!”?
Maggie: A duck with the hiccups.

Humans often throw pieces of bread to ducks as the ducks swim around in the water of lakes and rivers in parks. People consider this a relaxing recreational activity. To the ducks, it is free food that they get just for being ducks!

Riddle: A duck opens this a crack, and out comes a quack - what is it?
Answer: A bill.

“I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck. I knew the duck was lost, because ducks aren’t supposed to be downtown. There’s nothing for them there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop. I said, ‘Let me have a bun.’ She wouldn’t sell me just the bun; she said it had to have something on it. She said it’s against Subway regulations to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves aren’t supposed to touch. So, I said, ‘All right, put some lettuce on it.’ ‘That’ll be $1.75!’ I said, ‘It’s for a duck!’ ‘Oh, then it’s free.’ I did not know that ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. ‘Let me have the steak fajita sub, and don’t bother ringing it up - it’s for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!’” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

The Duck

Behold the duck.
     It does not cluck.
A cluck it lacks.
     It quacks.

It is especially fond
     Of a puddle or pond.
When it dines or sups,
     It bottoms up.

by Ogden Nash (Frederick Ogden ‘Ogden’ Nash (1902 - 1971))

Ducks are magical! A duck feather weighs about 0.016 to 0.063 grams, so when you see a duck feather, remember that it just barely exists.

Tucker: Who stole the bath soap?
Archer: A robber ducky!

Randall: When ducks fly in a V-formation, do you know why one side is longer than the other?
Russell: Is it because there are more ducks on that side?

The Duck Song

I’m a duck and I like the pond
     Swim and play, all day long
All my ducklings swim along
      “Quack, quack,” they sing my song

“Quack, quack, quack,” life is fun
     Search for food under the Sun
See some snails, they can’t run
     They taste so good, yummm . . .

Dad, the drake, he found slugs
     Then there were the water bugs
Called to us to share his luck
     And we all gave him big hugs

Together we swim along
     In and out of the reeds we play
We live a life that’s happy and gay
     Tomorrow is another day

by Author Unknown

Picture of a pair of Mallards or Wild Ducks, standing in a green grassy area next to a body of water.

The most common and recognized species of duck are Mallards, or Wild Ducks. They are dabbling ducks that live naturally in the Americas, Europe, Asia, and North Africa. They have also been introduced to New Zealand and Australia. The male Mallard has a glossy green head, and gray wings and belly, while the female Mallard has brown-speckled plumage.

Maribelle: How are you today?
Maryanne: Just ducky - quack, quack!

Ducks have interlocking feathers with a waxy coating that makes them waterproof. Ducks have a molting season, in which their feathers fall out and new ones grow to take their place. During molting, ducks are much more vulnerable to predators, or animals that want to eat them, because they need their feathers to be able to fly away from danger.

Dave: What do you call a duck that likes to swim with alligators?
Julia: Dinner.

Overheard: Whenever it’s raining and I walk past a stranger on the sidewalk, I make the comment that it’s great weather for ducks. They usually look at me like I’m goofy, but I wait a second and then I say, “Quack, quack!” which of course confirms that I must be.

Because ducks are curious and friendly creatures, they have been domesticated as pets and farm animals for more than five hundred years. All domestic ducks are descended from either the Mallard or the Muscovy duck.

Cosmo: What do you call a duck that leads an orchestra?
Stella: A con-duck-tor.

Phil said, “Look at that duck.”
Bill said, “That’s a swan, not a duck.”
“Duck,” insisted Phil.
“Swan,” insisted Bill.
All of a sudden, a low-flying goose was heading straight for Bill.
“Duck, Bill!” shouted Phil.
“Swan!” shouted Bill - and he was conked in the head by the goose.

Down is a layer of extremely soft feathers found under the outer feathers of birds such as ducks and geese. Ducks pluck down from themselves and use it to line their nests to keep their young warm and safe. Ducklings have only down growth covering them until they are old enough to develop feathers. Down is used as an insulator and padding in products such as jackets, pillows, and sleeping bags. It can be obtained without harming birds by gathering it from their nesting areas after young birds have become old enough to leave the nests and accompany their parent birds out into the wider world to learn the birds’ way of life and live on their own.

Patricia: What happens when you drop a duck egg?
Patrick: It quacks.

Marcia: What is the difference between a duck?
Darcy: One foot is the same.
(In case you are wondering, this ridiculous joke has no typing errors or omitted words. It is just as it is meant to be, which is to say, completely nonsensical.)

Amy: Where can you find out more about ducks?
Amelia: You can read all about them in the ducktionary.

Mallard-justed: A duck that does not fit in well.

Anatidaephobia is a persistent fear that, right this moment, somehow, somewhere in the world, a duck is watching you. ‘Anatidaephobia’ is derived from the combination of the Greek word ‘anatidae,’ meaning ducks, geese, or swans, and the Greek word ‘phobos,’ meaning fear. The phobia is actually fictitious (imaginary, not real), having originated in a “Far Side” cartoon by Gary Larson (born 1950).

Stephen: Why do ducks fly south for the winter?
George: Because it’s too far to walk!

Many wild ducks migrate seasonally. Some ducks are capable of flying 534 kilometers (332 miles) a day.

Cheryl: What is a fast duck?
Charlene: A quick quack.

Charlene: What is an even faster duck?
Cheryl: A quicker quacker!

Quack, Quack

We have two ducks: one blue, one black.
And when our blue duck goes, “Quack-quack,”
Our black duck quickly goes, “Quack-quack,” back.
The quacks Blue quacks make her quite a quacker
But the Black duck is a quicker quacker-backer.

by Author Unknown

Contrary to a common misconception, a duck’s quack does have an echo, though often too low to be heard.

Quentin: How do you fix a broken duck?
Quincy: Just use some duck-tape.

A duck walked into a feedstore and asked, “Got any duck feed?” The clerk told him, “No, we don’t have a market for it, so we don’t carry it.” The duck said, “Okay,” and left the store. The next day, the duck again walked in to the feedstore and asked, “Got any duck feed?” Again the clerk said no and the duck left. Next day, the duck again walked in to the feedstore and asked, “Got any duck feed?” The clerk said, “I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed. We’ve never had duck feed, and we will never have duck feed. If you ask me again, I will nail your feet to the floor.” So the duck left. The next day, the duck walked in and asked, “Got any nails?” “No,” said the clerk. So the duck asked, “Got any duck feed?”

Six Little Ducks

Six little ducks that I once knew:
     Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, too -
And the one little duck with the feathers on his back,
     He led them all with his quack, quack, quack.

Down to the river they would go,
     Wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble, to and fro -
And the one little duck with the feathers on his back,
     He led the others with his quack, quack, quack.

Into the water he would dive,
     Then in would go the other five.
The one little duck with the feathers on his back,
     He led them all with his quack, quack, quack.

by Author Unknown

Wise quacker: A smart duck.

Riddle: What do you call a crate of ducks?
Answer: A box of quackers.

Now let us all waddle about and be as happy as ducks . . . as we make our way to the next article . . . on MFOL!

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Wouldn’t It Be Funny

11/12/2020

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Wouldn’t It Be Funny

Now, wouldn’t it be funny
     If the creatures in the Zoo
Were all let out to walk about
     And look at me and you?

And wouldn’t it be funny
     If they put us in the cages,
And Kangaroos and Cockatoos
     Came guessing at our ages?

And wouldn’t it be funny
     If the Hip-po-pot-amus
Said, “Don’t go near, I really fear
     They’re very dangerous.”

by Pixie O’Harris

Pixie O’Harris was born as Rhona Olive Harris on 15 October 1903 in Cardiff, South Glamorgan, Wales. She was married to Bruce Waddell Fieldew Pratt (1902 - 1989) in 1929. She became a short story writer, an illustrator, a poet, and a broadcaster. Pixie O’Harris passed on at 88 years of age on 17 November 1991 in Lindfield, Sydney, Australia.

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Horses and Ponies

9/26/2020

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A herd of wild horses could not pull us away from this much fun . . .

“Horse: A kind of large dog that eats grass and can run like the wind.” -Author Unknown

“Wherever man has left his footprint in the long ascent from barbarism to civilization, we will find the hoofprint of the horse beside it.” -John Moore

What is the difference between a horse and a pony? The difference is largely in size. The heights of horses are measured from the bottom of the hoof to the highest point on the back of a horse, at the withers, which is roughly where a horse’s neck and back meet. In most of the world, horse heights are measured using the metric system; however, in the United States of America, Canada, and England, horse heights are measured in units called ‘hands.’ One hand is equal to 4 inches (10.16 centimeters). A horse is usually considered to be 14.2 (14 hands, 2 inches or 58 inches or 147.32 centimeters) or taller when mature. Any animal under 14.2 when mature is usually considered to be a pony. However, just as a matter of clarification, ponies are still horses; they are just of a smaller size, and so they are usually referred to as ponies rather than horses.

“Horse sense, noun: Stable thinking.” -Author Unknown

Horses have bigger eyes than any other land animals, other than ostriches - even elephants and humans fall far behind. Squids have the biggest eyes of any living creatures, but squids are marine, or water, animals. Because their eyes are on the sides of their heads, horses are capable of seeing almost 360 degrees, or in a nearly complete circle, all at once. What a view!

Hanna: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe in the road?
Barbara: Good luck - or else some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

A horse can look forward with one eye and backwards with the other eye. We suggest that you do not try this yourself - you will only end up dizzy, discombobulated, and possibly fall over.

“It’s much easier to ride a horse in the direction it’s going.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

The large eyes and sensitive ears of horses allow them to detect predators early on, giving them ample opportunity to run swiftly away from them, and to put considerable distance between themselves and the predators, which are the animals that hunt and eat them.

“Horses are kinetic sculpture and poetry in motion.” -Author Unknown

Horses can gallop at up to about 68 kilometers (42 miles) per hour in short bursts in order to escape from predators. Horses can gallop, which is a comfortably sustainable type of running for them over long distances, at about 44 kilometers (27 miles) per hour. The fastest recorded sprinting speed of a horse is 88 kilometers (55 miles) per hour.

Jenny: Guess what - I went riding this afternoon.
Jennifer: Horseback?
Jenny: Sure is. He got back an hour before I did.

Riddle: A man took his horse out for a ride every day. Two of the horse’s legs ran 5 miles but the other two ran 6 miles. How is that possible?
Answer: The horse ran in circles.

“I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that my art is not above the ordinary.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

Horses sleep standing up, but if they feel safe, they will sleep lying down.

Overheard: Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

“Heaven is high and Earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.” -Rudolf C. Binding

Horses are closely related to both zebras and donkeys.

William: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
Billy: A zebra.

Stirrup: What you do to pancake batter.

My horse’s feet are as swift as rolling thunder
     He carries me away from all my fears
And when the world threatens to fall asunder
     His mane is there to wipe away my tears.
-Bonnie Lewis

A visitor to the farm was asking all kinds of questions about the animals he saw. “Why doesn’t that cow have horns?” he inquired of the farmer. “Well,” drawled the farmer, “cows don’t have horns for many reasons. Some of them are removed, some kinds of cows never grow them, and some get them when they mature. That particular cow doesn’t have horns,” he added, “because he’s a horse.”

“In riding a horse we borrow freedom.” -Helen Thomson

About to take his first horseback ride, the greenhorn was checking out the horses in the stable. The old wrangler asked whether he wanted an English saddle or a Western saddle. “What’s the difference?” asked the tenderfoot. “The English saddle is flat, while the Western has a horn on the front.” “Better give me the English saddle,” the fellow replied. “I don’t expect to be riding in traffic.”

“It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped.” -Author Unknown

Sarah

Schubert had a horse named Sarah.
     He drove her to the big parade.
And all the time the band was playing
     Schubert’s Sarah neighed.

by Marge Roedig

Rebecca: What do you call the horse that lives next door?
Becky: Our neigh-bor!

“The horse is the only animal into which one can hammer nails.” -Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

“You have probably heard the expression, ‘I am so hungry that I could eat a horse!’ But have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you were not that hungry after all?” -Author Unknown

“Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.” -Pam Brown (born 1928)

Horse Dreams

I wonder if horses have dreams
Of fresh grass and cold crystal streams,
     No shoes and clean air,
     A breeze through their hair,
And freedom - they ought to, it seems.

by Author Unknown

“You know what they say . . . you can’t fall off a horse unless you were riding one to begin with. Now let’s all get out there and fall off some horses!” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

The Prince of Bombay

There was a young prince of Bombay,
Who always would have his own way;
     He pampered his horses
     On five or six courses,
Himself eating nothing but hay.

by Walter Parke

“There are no handles to a horse, but the 1910 model has a string to each side of its face for turning its head when there is anything you want it to see.” -Stephen Leacock (Stephen Butler Leacock (1869 - 1944)): “Literary Lapses” (1910), ‘Reflections on Riding’

The horses paw and prance and neigh,
     Fillies and colts like kittens play,
And dance and toss their rippled manes
     Shining and soft as silken skeins
-Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1809 - 1894): “The Complete Poetical Works of Oliver Wendell Holmes” (1852), ‘How the Old Horse Won the Bet’

“A dog may be man’s best friend, but the horse wrote history.” -Author Unknown

A man was walking down a country road when he heard a voice coming from behind a tree, but all he could see was a horse. “Hello, remember me?” the voice said. “I won the Kentucky Derby Race two years ago.” “A talking horse!” the man exclaimed, and he rushed over to a nearby field where a farmer was working and asked, “What would you take for that horse?” “That horse is no good. You can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty dollars! I’ll give you two thousand dollars.” “Has that hay-bag been giving you that nonsense about winning the Kentucky Derby? Listen, I happen to know he came in last.”

“No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))

Benjamin: What has four legs and flies?
Franklin: A horse in the summer time.

“Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.” -Author Unknown

Horses and Ponies Facts
- An adult male horse or pony is called a stallion.
- A young male horse or pony is called a colt.
- An adult female horse or pony is called a mare.
- A young female horse or pony is called a filly.
- A male or female horse or pony that is less than one year of age is called a foal.
- A group of horses or ponies is called a herd, a team (harnessed), a stable, a string (racing), a band, or a mob.
- The sounds made by horses are called neighs, snorts, and whinnying, along with the hoof sounds called clips, clops, and clippity-clops.
- Horses and ponies are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Domestic horses have a lifespan of about 20 to 35 years.

Martin: Why was the pony sent to the principal’s office?
Robin: He was horsing around too much.

Ponies Facts
- Ponies are small horses.
- Ponies have thicker manes and tails than horses.
- Ponies have proportionally shorter legs, thicker necks, and shorter heads than horses.
- Pound for pound, ponies are stronger than horses.
- Ponies are easy to look after and require half the food that horses of the same weight require.
- Well-trained ponies are good for children while they are learning to ride, as ponies often have calmer and less excitable dispositions than horses, and are easier to saddle and climb onto.

Horse Sense

A horse can’t pull while kicking.
     This fact I merely mention.
And he can’t kick while pulling
     Which is my chief contention.

Let’s imitate the good old horse
     And lead a life that’s fitting;
Just pull an honest load, and then
     There’ll be no time for kicking.

by Author Unknown

“Small children are convinced that ponies deserve to see the inside of the house.” -Maya Patel

“A horse is worth more than riches.” -Author Unknown: Spanish Proverb

Did you know that horses are constantly stepping on frogs? The underside of a horse’s hoof is called a ‘frog.’ Frogs fall off a horse several times a year as new growth takes place.

Somewhere . . .

Somewhere in time’s own space
    There must be some sweet pastured place
Where creeks sing on and tall trees grow
     Some Paradise where horses go,
For by the love that guides my pen
     I know great horses live again.

by Stanley Harrison

There are an estimated 75,000,000 horses in the world. Some people think that’s not enough.

“Horses lend us the wings we lack.” -Pam Brown (born 1928)

“The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire.” -Sharon Ralls Lemon

Denise: Why did the mare go to Hollywood?
Dennis: She wanted to play ‘bit’ parts in the movies.

“To ride a horse is to ride the sky.” -Author Unknown

“A horse can lend its rider the speed and strength he or she lacks, but the rider who is wise remembers it is no more than a loan.” -Pam Brown (born 1928)

Scientists believe that horses have evolved over the past 50 million years from much smaller creatures. Horses have been domesticated for more than 5,000 years.

“To me, horses and freedom are synonymous.” -Veryl Goodnight

Zack: What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
Zachary: One goes quick and the other goes, “Quack!”

“A horse is the projection of peoples’ dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence.” -Pam Brown (born 1928)

Star: Why did one horse reach over another horse’s neck to get some hay?
Violet: It had bad stable manners.

“Many people have sighed for the ‘good old days’ and regretted the ‘passing of the horse,’ but today, when only those who like horses own them, it is a far better time for horses.” -C. W. Anderson

Overheard: “Help - I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”

“Clydesdales are tall and majestic, and Shetland ponies are small but very strong; both contribute to making our world better in their own ways.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.” -Gerald Raferty

It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle baker’s yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.

“Feeling down? Saddle up.” -Author Unknown

Horses vanished from both North America and South America in a wave of extinction that occurred about 15,000 years ago, at the end of the Pleistocene epoch. Horses also nearly became extinct in the rest of the world, and about 7,000 years ago, the only horses in the world lived in a small area in the still open grassland steppes of what is now the Ukraine and central Asia. Horses were not seen in the Americas again until 1494, when Italian explorer Christopher Columbus transported them over on ships from Spain during his second voyage to the new world.

“Horses change lives. They give our young people confidence and self-esteem. They provide peace and tranquility to troubled souls, they give us hope.” -Toni Robinson

“Why did this animal that had prospered so in the Colorado desert leave his amiable homeland for Siberia? There is no answer. We know that when the horse negotiated the land bridge . . . he found on the other end an opportunity for varied development that is one of the bright aspects of animal history. He wandered into France and became the mighty Percheron, and into Arabia, where he developed into a lovely poem of a horse, and into Africa where he became the brilliant zebra, and into Scotland, where he became the massive Clydesdale. He would also journey into Spain, where his very name would become the designation for gentleman, a caballero, a man of the horse. There he would flourish mightily and serve the armies that would conquer much of the known world.” -James Michener

“If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.” -Author Unknown

“He’s of the color of the nutmeg. And of the heat of the ginger . . . he is pure air and fire; and the dull elements of earth and water never appear in him, but only in patient stillness while his rider mounts him; he is indeed a horse, and all other jades you may call beasts.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Henry V” (written in about 1599)

And so now we hand the reigns over to you because it is your turn to do the horsing around . . . while we trot on to the next article . . . on MFOL!

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Pigs and Hogs

5/1/2020

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You are such a good little piggy . . . yes, you are!

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))

Mabel: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Hazel: Bacon and legs.

Pigs were domesticated, or tamed from wild animals, by humans about 9,000 years ago. Many wild pigs still exist, including wild boars, warthogs, and bushpigs. Some wild pigs have large tusks, which are long teeth used for fighting and digging for food.

Seth: What goes, “Oink, oink,” and steals your money?
Beth: A pig-pocket.

Pig Facts
- An adult male pig is called a boar.
- An adult female pig is called a sow.
- A young pig is called a piglet.
- A group of piglets is called a litter.
- A group of pigs is called a sounder, a herd, a drove, a passel, a parcel, or a drift.
- The sounds made by pigs are called grunts, snorts, oinks, and squeals.
- Pigs are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals.
- Pigs can live to be 15 years of age.
- Hogs are very large, very heavy pigs.
- Pigs are found on every continent except Antarctica.

Garth: Where do Eskimo pigs live?
Garret: In pig-loos!

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You’re Eating Like a Pig Again!

“You’re eating like a pig again!”
     my mother scolded me,
“If you keep eating like a pig,
     a pig is what you’ll be!”

I simply cannot fathom
     what the fuss is all about,
and haven’t I a lovely tail,
     and see my splendid snout.

by Author Unknown

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Gertie: Why did the pig become an actor?
Gertrude: Because he was such a ham.

About 2 billion pigs call the Earth their home. Look, here they all come now, headed right in our direction.

Herb looked up from fishing on a riverbank to see a herd of pachyderms stampeding directly toward his picnic basket. They must have escaped from Freddy’s hog farm - or were they just on their regular Saturday outing? Herb did not know the answer to this question, but one thing he did know for sure: If he did not reach the picnic basket before the pigs reached it, his coffee cup full of nightcrawlers might be all eaten up. Herb was in a definite pigdicament.

Lee: What happened when the pigpen broke?
Roy: The pigs had to write with a pencil.

An average pig squeals at a range of between 100 and 115 decibels. Piglets are known to get their heads stuck between the wood slats of fences and in other places in their perpetual search for edibles. When a piglet is unable to get free, it will panic and cry for help by ‘squealing like stuck hog.’

Seven Piglets

Seven piglets, pink and gray,
     who could not keep from squealing,
chased each other all the way
     from Wichita to Wheeling.
Under fences, over rails,
     they raced with one another,
then turned around and twitched their tails,
     and hurried home to Mother.

by Jack Prelutsky

Pigs are animals with stout bodies, small eyes, flat snouts, hoofed feet, and short tails. They vary in color from brown to black to white to pinkish.

Pigs are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals. Pigs eat a variety of small animals, including worms, grubs, and snakes. However, most domesticated pigs that live on farms eat corn as well as agricultural waste and waste products from food manufacturing. After fields and orchards have been harvested of fruits and vegetables and grains, farmers sometimes release pigs to run around in them, where they gorge themselves on unharvested plant parts, as well as rotten fruits, vegetables, and grains that are not suitable for human consumption. If the fields and orchards were not cleaned up in this way by pigs, rodents, birds, insects, and other scavengers would be attracted to them, and the scavengers would then pose a threat to other crops. On small farms, pigs are often fed swill or slop, made up of kitchen scraps, restaurant waste, and foods discarded by grocers and markets.

“When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon.” -Miss Piggy

I’m a Little Piggy

I’m a little piggy,
Short and stout,
With a little piggy tail,
And a little piggy snout!

by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” -Robert Heinlein (Robert Anson Heinlein (1907 - 1988)): “Time Enough for Love” (1973), ‘Prelude II’

Pigs are smarter than dogs - in fact, pigs are very intelligent animals. They are ranked as the fourth smartest animal on Earth.
1. Humans
2. Primates other than Humans
3. Whales and Dolphins
4. Pigs
5. Dogs

“A pig bought on credit is forever grunting.” -Author Unknown

Hog-Calling Competition

A bull-voiced young fellow of Rawling
Competes in the meets for hog-calling;
The people applaud,
And the judges are awed,
But the hogs find it simply appalling.

by Morris Bishop

People with allergies sometimes keep pigs as pets because they have hair instead of fur, and so they shed very little. Pigs are easily trained to walk on a leash and do tricks. They can even be house-trained. Pot-bellied pigs are particularly popular as pets. Unfortunately, however, even adorable little piggies do eventually grow up to become gigantic fat hogs that take up a lot of space and demand a lot of attention. Oink!

Sue: Are you a great-big fat hog?
Ron: No.
Sue: Don’t worry, little piggy, you’ll grow up someday!

Pinky: What do you call a sunburned pig?
Rosie: Bacon.

Pigs roll around in the mud to keep cool because they do not have sweat glands. Mud also helps to keep them clean - what? Yes, it is true, mud baths help pigs keep their skin free of bothersome flies, fleas, tics, and lice. Additionally, because pigs can become sunburned, dirt and dried-on mud can provide them with sun-protection.

Curly: What did the pig say when he was sun-tanning in the Summer?
Porky: “I’m bacon out here!”

Priscilla Pig: “Wow, I never sausage heat!”
Harvey Hog: “I know - I’m almost bacon!”

A man was walking down the street with a pig under his arm. Another man walking in the other direction asked him, “Where did you get that animal?” The pig replied, “I won him in a raffle!”

Humans farm pigs for meat such as pork, bacon, and ham. Leather, lard, and glue can also be made from pigs. And, of course, jars of pickled pigs feet are a standard interior decoration of many grocery stores.

Little Pig: Hey, there!
Big Pig: Hay, hey? Hay is for horses - aren’t you glad we’re pigs?! Grunt, grunt.

Pigs have an excellent sense of smell. Pigs’ snouts are an important tool for finding food, for digging and poking around to uncover food hidden in the ground, and for sensing the world around them.

Could a small pig be called a ‘hamlet’?

Piglets weigh about 1.1 kilograms (2.5 pounds) when they are born. Adult pigs can weigh on average 136 kilograms to 318 kilograms (300 to 700 pounds). In the United States of America, a pig must weigh more than 82 kilograms (180 pounds) to earn the name hog; however, in much of the rest of the world, 54 kilograms (120 pounds) is accepted.

Gail: Why do pigs eat so much?
Glen: So they can make hogs of themselves.

“It was the best place to be, thought Wilbur, this warm delicious cellar, with the garrulous geese, the changing seasons, the heat of the Sun, the passage of swallows, the nearness of rats, the sameness of sheep, the love of spiders, the smell of manure, and the glory of everything.” -E. B. White (Elwyn Brooks White (1899 - 1985)): “Charlotte’s Web” (15 October 1952)

Question: What do you get if you cross a pig and a conifer?
Answer: A porcupine.

Rhoda: What do veterinarians put on sick pigs?
Ronda: Oinkment.

“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife’s ear.” -J. B. Morton (John Cameron Andrieu Bingham Michael Morton (1893 - 1979))

We cannot make up our minds - should we be pigs or sheep today? Wait, we know - we will confuse everybody by being both! Actually, these somewhat sheepish looking ‘wooly pigs’ are one hundred percent pig and not closely related to sheep. They are Mangalica, also known as Mangalitsa or Mangalitza, pigs of proud Hungarian descent.

Jacque: What did one pig say to the other pig?
Pierre: “Let’s be pen pals!”

Anablephobia is a persistent fear of looking up. Pigs do not have this problem, because it is physically impossible for them to do so, since their eyes are on the sides of their big fat heads, and their stocky necks do not allow them to bend their heads far enough. But that is fine for pigs, because most of their food is stuff that has fallen on the ground anyway, and it is not up in the sky.

Flying Pig

Hickory, dickory, dare,
The pig flew in the air;
     Net in hand, Farmer Brown
     Soon brought him down,
Hickory, dickory, dare.

by Author Unknown

Daphne: What would happen if pigs could fly?
Phoebe: The price of bacon would go way up.

If you push a pig down a hill, does he then become a sausage roll?

Aggie: What do you call a kosher hog?
Agatha: A Harley motorbike.

Patty: Why did the three little pigs go play outside?
Patsy: Because their father was an awful boar.

Five Little Piggies

“It’s time for my piggies to go to bed.”
     The great big mother piggy said.
“So I will count them first to see
     If all my piggies came back to me.
One little piggy, two little piggies,
     Three little piggies dear,
Four little piggies, five little piggies
     Yes, they’re all here!”

by Author Unknown

If a pig loses its voice, is it ‘disgruntled’?

Little Piggy: Where can we store our computer files?
Boss Hog: On sloppy disks.

Swine Flu symptoms include a propensity for saying, “Oink, oink!” and an urge to roll in the mud. You can reduce your chances of getting the condition by being jabbed with a sharp needle by your doctor or other health care provider.

Laverne: What game do hogs like to play?
Shirley: Pig-pong.

A mother pig was walking through a barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn, giving the mother pig quite a scare, and the little hog laughed to see such sport, as the sow jumped over the coon.

Shauna: What do you get when you put a pig behind the wheel?
Shane: A road hog.

Pigment: Something you give to a pig so that it will have fresh breath.

Ode to the Pig: His Tail

My tail is not impressive
     But it’s elegant and neat.
In length it’s not excessive -
     I can’t curl it ’round my feet -
But it’s awfully expressive,
     And its weight is not excessive,
And I don’t think it’s conceit,
     Or foolishly possessive
If I state with some aggressive-
     ness that it’s
the final master touch
     That makes a pig complete.

by Walter R. Brooks (Walter Rollin Brooks (1886 - 1958))

Samantha: What wallows in the mud and carries colored eggs?
Samuel: The Easter Piggy!

Run to save your bacon! Pigs have four toes on each of their feet, but they walk on only two toes. Perhaps that is why pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed. The fastest that an adult pig can run is 17.7 kilometers (11 miles) an hour for short distances.

Arabelle: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Annabelle: A piiig.

This is MFOL! . . . and we’re going whole hog . . . to what’s next . . .

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Snails

4/13/2020

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We are off to the snail races . . . it is likely to be an all-day event . . .

Roger: Why did the snail cross the road?
Edgar: I don’t know; he hasn’t gotten to the other side yet.

Snails can take 33 hours to crawl a single mile. However, if you consider the size of snails compared to the distance, they actually make pretty good time. And what’s more, they do it without any legs!

Midge: When does a snail go as fast as a train?
Marge: When it’s on the train.

The fastest-moving land snail, the common garden snail, has a speed of about 0.050372 kilometers (0.0313 miles) per hour. This breathtaking pace must be the reason so many pet snails are named Speedy.

Snails Facts
- A group of snails is called a hood, an escargatoire, a rout, or a walk.
- The average snail moves at a rate of approximately 0.000362005 miles per hour.
- Snails living in the wild, which includes in gardens and on farms, can live for two to five years.
- Snails living in captivity, or being held and cared for by humans, can live for as long as 15 years.

In English, the expression ‘a snail’s pace’ is a term used to describe a slow, inefficient process, as for example, ‘snail mail’ is now commonly used when referring to sending regular mail messages rather than messages sent as email.

When you feel that the motorist ahead of you is proceeding at a snail’s pace, check your speedometer. A snail’s pace, according to University of Maryland scientists, is 0.000363005 miles per hour.

As they move along, snails leave behind a trail of mucus, or slime, which acts as a lubricant to reduce surface friction. This also allows the snail to move along upside down, as for example, on the underside of the branch or leaf of a plant.

Snail

Consider the odd little snail
Who lives on the rim of a pail:
Often wet, never drowned,
He is always around
Safe and sound, sticking tight to his trail.

by David McCord (David Thompson Watson McCord (1897 - 1997))

As shown, a snail is an animal that carries its house on its back.

“How ingenious an animal is a snail. When it encounters a bad neighbor it takes up its house and moves away.” -Philemon (about 300 B.C.E.)

A happy creature is your snail indeed!
Just where he pleases he can live and feed,
And if a neighbor gives him any bother,
With house on back he moves off to another.
-Author Unknown: variously attributed to Paley or Philemon

Are snails insects? Insects have six legs, and snails have . . . shockingly, snails have no legs! Snails, and their shell-less cousins the slugs, are included in the gastropods rather than the insects. Snails are more closely related to cephalopods such as squids, which live in saltwater, than to butterflies and ladybugs and houseflies.

Betty: Why are snails such slow runners?
Bonnie: Because they don’t have legs!

‘Snail’ is the common name for gastropod mollusks, which are split into three groups: land snails, sea snails, and freshwater snails.

Snails can have either lungs or gills, depending on the species and the habitat. Surprisingly, some marine, or water-inhabiting, snails have lungs, and some land-living snails have gills.

“The snail does the holy will of God slowly.” -Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 -1936)

What do snails eat? The majority of snails are herbivores, and eat parts of plants, such as leaves, stems, and flowers. A few larger species of land snails and marine snails are either predatory carnivores or omnivores. Carnivores are animals that eat animals, and omnivores are animals that eat both plants and animals.

Most snail species have a ribbon-like tongue called a ‘radula’ that contains thousands of microscopic teeth. The radula works like a file, ripping food up into tiny pieces. A snail can have about 25,000 teeth. There are no known instances of humans or pets with snail bites.

Snails tend to be nocturnal animals, meaning they are out and about, and slowly on the move, at night. We have been told they do not use tiny flashlights.

Common Garden Snails, scientifically named Helix aspersa, are usually a shade of brown color. They breath air into a lung, rather than having gills as some other snails do. They are frequently regarded as agricultural and garden pests because they are known to eat the leaves and stems of food crop plants. However, Common Garden Snails themselves are also food for many types of animals, including birds, raccoons, and humans.

Common garden snails have a top speed of 45 meters (150 feet) per hour, making them one of the slowest creatures on Earth, and yet, they are still the fastest movers among the different species of land snails - and they are favored by owners of thoroughbred-racing snails . . . or so we’ve been told.

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Sammy Snail

Sammy snail is slowly moving
     See him slide across the grass
He leaves a silver path behind him
     We all can see when he has passed.

Sammy snail is never worried
     Though he wanders far and wide
For on his back his house he carries
     And when he’s tired he pops inside.

by Author Unknown

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Cone snails are marine animals that live mostly in tropical waters. They eat worms, other snails, and sometimes fish, by first instantly immobilizing them with their venom (poison). All cone snails are venomous - and capable of stinging humans. Their venom is a complex blend of hundreds of different toxins. Live cone snails should never be handled or touched because their venomous sting can occur without warning and will kill humans.

Shelly: Why did the snail cross the road?
Mitchell: I don’t know, but I’ll be sure to let you know when she gets here.

The giant African land snail grows to about 38 centimeters (15 inches) across, with a weight of about 1 kilogram (2.2 pounds). That’s a lot of escargot.

A guy went to a costume party carrying a gal on his back. “What in the world are you?” asked the host. “I’m a snail,” said the guy. “But . . . you have a gal on your back,” replied the host. “Yeah, he said, “that’s Michelle!”

The largest living sea snail species is the Syrinx aruanus, with a shell that can reach 90 centimeters (35 inches) in length, and a weight of up to 18 kilograms (40 pounds). We couldn’t take a picture to show you because we were afraid of being eaten by one of the ferocious snails if we got too close.

Snails are a delicacy in a French cuisine dish called escargot, most often served as an appetizer. The favored escargot snail in French cuisine is the Helix pomotia. Snails are eaten in many other countries of the world, with fried snails being particularly popular.

An estimated one billion snails are served in restaurants every year. They probably like the fresh garden salads best.

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Snail

Snail upon the wall,
     Have you got at all
Anything to tell
     About your shell?

Only this, my child -
     When the wind is wild,
Or when the sun is hot,
     It’s all I’ve got.

by John Drinkwater

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Riddle: I am found in the sea and on land, but I do not walk or swim. I travel by foot, but I am toeless. What am I?
Solution: I am a snail.

Once upon a time, there was a snail named Sam, who wanted to be a racecar driver. He went to the racetrack and asked if he could drive. The racetrack manager said, “Yes, but you can’t have a number on your car, you can only have an ‘S,’ because we are all out of numbers.” Sam the Snail said he was fine with this, and entered the race. The race started and Sam’s car was at the back - and then he suddenly sped to the front, overtaking all of the other cars - and won the race! When the spectators in the stands saw Sam speed past them, they yelled, “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

Snails generally have two sets of tentacles, with the upper ones having eyes at the ends, and the lower being for their olfactory senses. ‘Olfactory’ refers to the overlapping senses of smell and taste.

The Snail’s Dream

A snail, who had a way, it seems,
     Of dreaming very curious dreams,
Once dreamed he was - you’ll never guess! -
     The Lightning Limited Express!

by Oliver Herford (1860 - 1935)

How long do snails sleep? Snails can ‘sleep,’ or remain dormant, for about three years at a time, without eating. Snails do what is called estivation, which is similar to seasonal hibernation, but which snails and some other animals do to survive during hot or dry times, as for example, prolonged droughts or long hot summers. Just as in hibernation, in estivation, the metabolic rate of animals is greatly slowed, so their heart rate, breathing, and other biological functions slow or are reduced.

Becky: What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the turtle’s back?
Rebecca: “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Snail and Tortoise

Said the snail to the tortoise: “You may
     Find it hard to believe what I say;
You will think it absurd,
     But I give you my word,
They fined me for speeding today.”
     “Well, well,” said the tortoise. “Dear me!”
How defective your motor must be!
     Though I speed every day,
Not a fine do I pay:
     The police cannot catch me, you see.”

by Oliver Herford

When a snail tried to cross a road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. “I really can’t remember,” the snail replied. “You see, it all happened so fast.”

This is MFOL! . . . it’s our idea of fun . . .

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Aardvarks

2/29/2020

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Aardvarks aare aanimals with aan aabsolutely aamazing aappearance. They seem to possess the body of a pig, the ears of a rabbit, the eyes of a rhinoceros, the tongue of an anteater, and the tail of a kangaroo - yet aardvarks are not closely related to any of these animals. Aardvarks are the only living species of animals remaining from an ancient order of ungulates called the tubulidentata. What does this mean? Let’s find out . . .

Edgar: What did the aardvark call his dog?
Edith: Aardbark.

Aardvarks Facts
- An adult male aardvark is called a boar.
- An adult female aardvark is called a sow.
- A young aardvark is called a cub.
- A group of aardvarks is called a pack.
- Aardvarks can live for about 18 years in the wild.
- Aardvarks can live for about 23 years in captivity.

The word ‘aardvark’ comes from an old Afrikaans-Dutch language dialect of South Africa, in which ‘aarde’ means ‘earth’ or ‘ground’ and ‘varken’ means ‘pig.’ They were once thought of as being the ‘earth pig’ or ‘ground pig,’ and indeed, they do somewhat resemble pigs in appearance, and they also forage for their food by rooting around in the earth or ground with their snouts as pigs do; however, aardvarks are not pigs, but a completely different species of animal. Aardvarks are sometimes colloquially called African antbears, anteaters, or Cape anteaters (after the Cape of Good Hope).

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark, who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles!

Aardvarks can be found in Sub-Saharan Africa, a vast region that stretches from the edge of the Sahara Desert south to the Cape of Good Hope at the lower point of the African continent. Aardvarks are sometimes found in rainforests, but not in deserts. Their preferred habitat includes savannas, grasslands, rainforests, woodlands (forests), and bushland (scrub). The deciding factor for where aardvarks live is the availability of food.

Teacher: Please spell aardvark.
Student: R-d-v-r-k.
Teacher: What happened to the A’s?
Student: The A’s moved to Kansas City from Philadelphia and finished second in the American League West.

Aardvarks have sleek pale-yellowish-gray to dark-brown hairy coats, stout bodies, arched backs, long ears, long snouts, four short legs, webbing between their second and third toes, strong sharp hoof-like claws, long tails, bristles around their mouths, and long sticky tongues. Aardvarks have four toes on their front paws and five toes on their back paws.

Aaron: What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?
Ian: A yaardvark.

Fully-grown adult aardvarks can be as much as 66 centimeters (26 inches, or 2 feet and 2 inches) tall at the shoulder, when standing on all fours. From their snouts to the ends of their tails, aardvarks are often about 1 to 1.5 meters (about 3 to 5 feet) in length. Aardvark’s tails are about 61 centimeters (2 feet) long. Fully-grown aardvarks can weigh about 38 to 82 kilograms (about 85 to 180 pounds).

Oscar: How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant?
Scarlet: Six - three on the back, and three in the trunk!

Aardvarks have bristles around their mouths. The bristles act as feelers, just as the whiskers of cats and mice do, to help aardvarks find their way around in the dark and aid them in their search for food.

Aardvark: Aan aanimal thaat resembles aan aanteater.

Aardvarks are well known for their prodigious digging activities. The aardvark’s massive and powerful feet can burrow straight down into the ground with amazing efficiency. They are such swift diggers that, if they catch a whiff of lion or leopard in the air, they can dig a hole in a few seconds, and dive out of sight of the potential predator before their whereabouts is known. Aardvarks use their forelegs (front legs) for digging and are in the category of ‘scratch diggers,’ which also includes armadillos, badgers, and pangolins.

Aardvarks can use their large front claws to dig holes at a rate of 60 centimeters (2 feet) every 15 seconds.

Aardvark

The aardvark is really a curious creature
If you’re an ant, then he’s likely to eat ya.
Although his long nose makes him look rather hideous
He’s still listed first in the encyclopedias.

by Weird Al Yankovic

Aardvarks have shovel-shaped claws that are nearly 5 centimeters (2 inches) thick and as strong as forged steel. Using these specialized built-in ‘tools,’ they can dig into termite mounds that are as hard as concrete and into anthills that have tough outer crusts.

Aardvarks’ nostrils are lined with coarse hairs and equipped with flaps of skin that close during vigorous digging, to prevent dirt, dust, and insects from entering their lungs. However, aardvarks also inhale insects through their nostrils and then swallow them - they just need to be careful that the bugs go down their esophaguses (throats) to their stomachs, and not down their tracheas (windpipes) to their lungs.

Ozzie: How is an aardvark like a kangaroo?
Harriet: Neither one can play the trumpet.

Aardvark ears are very effective hearing mechanisms, and are about 20 to 25 centimeters (7.9 to 9.8 inches) long.

Aardvarks have poor eyesight, but they have a good sense of smell and a good sense of hearing, which they use to locate food and predators.

Aardvarks have ten cheek teeth, but no incisors or canines. Rather than having teeth with roots, a pulp-filled interior, and a hard enamel exterior, like many other animals and humans have, aardvarks have teeth consisting of thin upright tubes made of dentine, a type of calcified tissue, and the tubes are held together by cementum, another type of calcified tissue. Aardvark teeth wear down with use, but continuously regrow.

Aardvarks do not have to chew their food. They swallow their food whole, and their stomachs have a muscular pyloric area, which works like the gizzards in birds, to grind up the food.

Aardvarks are rather quiet animals. However, they may make soft grunting sounds as they forage and loud grunts when they dash for their tunnel entrances. They can make bleating and squealing sounds when startled or frightened.

Adult aardvarks are shy, solitary animals, meaning that they tend to live alone in their burrows and forage for food by themselves. Gatherings of their kind are not common, although human activity and natural disasters such as floods can push them together into groups called ‘packs’ as they flee from danger.

Eugene: What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and is very loud?
Eunice: A herd of stampeding aardvarks!

Aardvarks live in underground homes called burrows, which they make by digging into the ground with their claws. Aardvark’s burrows can be up to 13 meters (about 42 feet) long and have several entrances and chambers, or rooms. In their burrows, aardvarks and any offspring (baby aardvarks, or cubs) can sleep and rest, partially protected from predators and the harsh, dry heat of the daytime. When foraging for food far from home, aardvarks routinely dig temporary burrows to live in for a few days. Aardvarks move on from time to time to make new burrows, and their old burrows then become homes for animals such as wild dogs, shelducks, warthogs, hares, mongooses, hyenas, owls, porcupines, pythons, and lizards.

Willard: What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant?
Scott: “If you can’t beat them, eat them!”

Aardvarks are nocturnal animals, meaning they are most active at night. They spend daylight hours curled up in a ball as they sleep in their cool, dark underground burrows, avoiding the dry heat of the day.

Sometime between late afternoon and shortly after sunset, aardvarks position themselves just inside the entrances of their burrows and wait there for several minutes, sniffing and listening for predators. After a period of watchfulness, they quickly emerge, and within seconds, they are 10 meters (33 feet) away from their burrow entrances. They pause with their ears alert, turn their heads in all directions to listen for danger, and then with a sudden move, they are off to start foraging.

Velma: Why don’t aardvarks ever get sick?
Vera: Because they are full of ant-i-bodies!

Female aardvarks, or sows, usually have just one cub, or baby aardvark, at a time. The cub stays in the burrow until it is two weeks of age, and then begins venturing out at night with its mother to forage for food. When aardvarks reach six months of age, they are ready to leave their mothers and live on their own, digging their own burrows and foraging for food on their own; however, they may stay with their mothers slightly beyond six months of age. Aardvarks become fully-grown adults at about one year of age.

“An admittedly ambulatorily adept aardvark is also an astonishingly agile ant eater.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

I am not a pig, I am an aardvark! You can tell us apart because I have discriminating tastes, while a pig does not discriminate and will eat absolutely anything.

In addition to a home burrow, an aardvark has a home range, similar to a territory. This is the area in which it commonly forages. Within their home ranges, aardvarks dig many holes as they forage for food. These holes can also serve as places to go into when a predator is sensed or when an aardvark is far from its home burrow and needs a place to retreat to before dawn.

In the part of the world where aardvarks live, each year has two seasons. Aardvarks feed mainly on termites during the dry season and soft-bodied ants in the rainy season.

Usually classified as being primarily insectivores, or insect-eating animals, aardvarks can become omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals, when necessary. Ants and termites are a mainstay of their diet, but they do eat the fruit of a plant called the aardvark cucumber. Aardvarks have a special relationship with the plant, which relies on them to dig up its underground-growing fruit and spread its seeds around so that new plants can grow. Aardvarks also eat other fruits, roots, grasses, and small animals when ants and termites are not available.

Aardvarks often cover between 2 and 5 kilometers (1.2 and 3.1 miles) per night to feed. While foraging for food, aardvarks keep their long snouts near the ground to detect the smell of food and their long ears pointed upright and forward to listen for food and for any predators. They zig-zag as they forage, and will usually not repeat the same route for about a week, allowing time for termite mounds and anthills to refill with insects before feeding on them again. When they detect ants or termites, aardvarks use their large claws to dig into anthills and termite mounds and then use their up to 30-centimeter (11.8-inch) long, thin extensile tongues and very sticky saliva to catch and eat as many as 60,000 insects in a night.

Jason: How do ants hide from aardvarks?
Jacob: They disguise themselves as uncles!

The stinging and biting of ants and termites is ineffective against aardvarks, because it does not penetrate their tough, thick hides, or skins. To ants and termites, aardvarks are fearsome beasts.

The predators of aardvarks include lions, leopards, wild dogs, hyenas, pythons, and humans, all of whom hunt aardvarks for meat. Aardvarks have long tubular ears and are able to detect the slightest noise that might indicate approaching danger. If they are in fear of being attacked in the open, aardvarks will very quickly dig small burrows in which to hide, or they may try to run away in a zigzag fashion, but if all else fails, they can turn to strike with their claws, tail, and shoulders. They are known to flip onto their backs to lash out with all fours. Their thick skin protects them from predators to some extent, and they are capable of causing substantial damage to unprotected areas of an attacker with their sharp claws. If threatened in a tunnel, an aardvark will seal off the tunnel behind itself or turn around and attack.

Milton: Why are there no aardvarks in Hawaii?
Millicent: Because aardvarks cannot afford the plane fare.

Aardvarks are good swimmers, even in strong currents, because of their webbed feet.

Unique among animals, aardvarks occupy their own order, family, and species, making them all alone on their own branch of animal classification. The aardvark is the last surviving member of a primitive order of ungulates (hooved animals) called tubulidentatas. Their species may have been able to survive from long ago to the present time by evolving away from hooves and developing the incredibly powerful claws they use for digging burrows and tunneling into termite mounds. Despite their many obvious differences, the African elephant is considered to be among the aardvarks’ closest living relatives.

Stacy: Why did the aardvark cross the road?
Tracy: It was the chicken’s day off.

Aardvarks are scientifically categorized as follows:
- Kingdom: Animalia (animals).
- Phylum: Chordata (animals possessing a notochord, a hollow dorsal nerve cord, pharyngeal slits, an endostyle, and a tail for at least some period of their life cycle).
- Subphylum: Vertebrata (animals with backbones).
- Class: Mammalia (mammals, which are warm-blooded animals with fur or hair and that nurse their young).
- Order: Tubulidentata (a Latin word meaning ‘tube toothed’; the aardvark is the only member of this order).
- Family: Orycteropodidae (the aardvark is the only member of this family).
- Genus: Orycteropus (meaning ‘burrowing foot’).
- Species: afer (referring to Africa).
- Scientific name: Orycteropus afer.

Aan aardvark is aan unusuaal aanimaal.

Aardvark is the first word in many English dictionaries, and in any alphabetically arranged list of animals, aardvarks come first - even before aardwolves.

Aardvarks Quiz
- On what continent do aardvarks live naturally?
- How old are aardvarks when they leave their mothers?
- Are aardvarks social animals or solitary animals?

Aardvarks handle captivity well. The London Zoo was the first zoo in the world to have an aardvark, which came from South Africa, in 1869. Does your local zoo or wild animal park have an aardvark?

Although aardvarks appear to remain widespread and some people believe they are not an endangered species, humans are still a threat to their survival. Farmers and landowners kill aardvarks because they do not like the holes that aardvarks make, and pesticides used on croplands has reduced the populations of insects that aardvarks rely on for food.

Anthony: What does an aardvark like on its pizza?
Emily: Ant-chovies.

Much remains to be learned about aardvarks. The scientists who study aardvarks are called ‘wildlife biologists.’ Their job consists of saying, “So, you’re an aardvark, and you sleep all day and stay out all night eating bugs . . . what’s that like?” If you would like to help the world understand aardvarks or aany other aamazing aanimals, make aan aappointment with a school counselor, and get started on your career in wildlife biology - and never forget to MFOL!

Aardvark photographs by Louise Joubert used under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Uported license at https://creativecommons.org/share-your-work/licensing-considerations/compatible-licenses.

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Domestic Dogs

2/25/2020

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A dog will go to the ends of the Earth for a person . . . and also for an old stick . . .

If You Have a Dog

Thorns may hurt you,
     Men desert you,
Sunlight turn to fog;
     But you’re never
Friendless ever,
     If you have a dog.

by Douglas Malloch (Douglas Malloch, Senior (1877 - 1938))

“The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.” -Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902): “The Note-Books of Samuel Butler” (1912), Part XIV: ‘Higgledy-Piggledy: Dogs’

Examples of the hundreds of different types of dogs include Beagles, Bloodhounds, Border Collies, Chihuahuas, Cocker Spaniels, German Shepherds, Golden Retrievers, Great Danes, Greyhounds, Irish Setters, Labradors, Mutts, and Saint Bernards.

“The dog has got more fun out of man than man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that man is the more laughable of the two animals.” -James Thurber (1894 - 1961)

“If you can’t decide between a Shepherd, a Setter, or a Poodle, get them all - adopt a mutt.” -Author Unknown: American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA)

Astoria: Why do dogs not like to travel on airplanes?
Star: They get jet-wag.

“In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming part dog.” -Edward Hoagland (born 1932)

All dogs can be traced back to a weasel-like animal called the Miacis that lived in trees and dens about 40 million years ago. The Miacis later evolved into the Tomarctus, a direct forbear of the genus Canis, which includes wolves and jackals. The first dogs were self-domesticated wolves that hung around the earliest permanent human settlements, 12,000 or more years ago. The first identifiable dog breed appeared in about 9000 B.C.E., and seems to have been a type of Greyhound dog used for hunting. The domestic dog has been one of the most popular animals throughout human history. Dogs have formed such a strong bond as pets, workers, and companions to humans that they have earned the nickname, ‘Man’s best friend.’

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” -Robert Benchley (Robert Charles Benchley (1889 - 1945))

Why do dogs sometimes turn around several times before taking a nap? Domesticated dogs, being descendants of wild dogs, retain some wild dog instincts. Wild dogs typically live in the forest or in the brush, and often have to trample down grass and weeds to make a comfortable place to lie down. They do this by walking around and around in tight circles. It is speculated remnants of this instinct account for a domesticated dog’s tendency to turn around a few times before taking a nap.

Paul

There once was a young man named Paul
Who went to a fancy dress ball;
     He thought he would risk it,
     And go as a biscuit,
But the dog ate him up in the hall!

by Author Unknown

Overheard: I feel sorry for people who do not have dogs. I hear they have to pick up their own food if they drop it on the floor.

Domestic dogs are omnivores, meaning that they eat a variety of foods, including meats, grains, and vegetables.

“From the dog’s point of view, his master is an elongated and abnormally cunning dog.” -Mabel Louise Robinson (1874 - 1962)

“If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise!” -Author Unknown

Allie: What are dog houses made of?
Ellie: Mutterial.

Thaddeus: What does a dog have on top of his house?
Tad: A woof.

Dogs see in three basic colors: blue, yellow, and gray. They do not see red and green as humans do, but instead see red and green as shades of gray or brown, brown being a combination of blue and yellow. This is not a problem for dogs, however, as they only need to see the colors necessary for them to survive in their world. Dogs can readily see their prey to hunt and kill it, but they do not need to be able to tell a red ripe tomato or apple from an unripe green tomato or apple because their close wolf ancestors are not dependent on having fruit in their diets. Dogs can see better in low light than humans, and they can detect motion, or movement, better than humans can.

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” -Sue Murphy

Dogs hear both above and below humans on the sound frequency spectrum, and they can also pinpoint sound direction faster and hear sounds that are four times as far away as what humans are capable of hearing. Dogs can locate the source of a sound in 1/600th of a second, using the 18 muscles or more to position their ears for best sound reception.

Ned: Why does your dog keep turning around in circles?
Jed: He is a watchdog and he is winding himself up.

A man had seventy-two dogs in his house - until he finally found a doctor who cured him of whistling in his sleep.

Dogs have a remarkable sense of smell, and are capable of differentiating odors in concentrations nearly 100 million times lower than humans can. While humans have 5 million smell-detecting cells, dogs have more than 220 million. The part of the brain that interprets smell is also four times larger in dogs than in humans. Dogs have wet noses to collect more of the tiny odor particulates in the air.

Just like their wolf ancestors, dogs in a pack are more likely to chase and hunt than a single dog on its own. Two dogs are enough to form a pack.

“Have you ever considered what your dog must think of you? I mean, you come home from the grocery with the most amazing stuff, pork, chicken, half a cow. They must think you’re the greatest hunter on Earth!” -Anne Tyler

First Dog: Ruff, ruff! My name is “Bad Dog, Bad Dog!” What is your name?
Second Dog: Arf! My name is “Down, Boy!”

Harley: What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a Collie?
Elmer: A dog that bites you, and then goes to get you help.

Cynophobia, also known as kynophobia, is a persistent fear or loathing of dogs. To avoid dogs, sufferers of the phobia may barricade yards or refuse to travel except in an enclosed vehicle. When walking through neighborhoods, they may decide their route based on where the houses with dogs are. ‘Cynophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘kyon’ meaning ‘dog’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’

Eve: Why do dogs bark at people?
Evelyn: To give them a ruff time!

When meeting a strange dog, remember that the dog is likewise meeting a human stranger. Let the dog sniff the back of your closed hand, and do not show the dog your fingers - they are easier to bite!

We think we might be on to something here: Remember when dogs were named Bowser and said, “Bow-wow”? Along came dogs with names such as Spot, who said, “Arf, arf.” Then dogs with names like Duke and King started saying, “Woof-woof.” Next came dogs named Killer who said, “Grrr-grrrrrr!” We think dogs were much nicer back when they said, “Bow-wow.” How about you?

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” -Andrew A. Rooney (Andrew Aitken ‘Andy’ Rooney (1919 - 2011))

Basenjis are the only non-barking domestic dogs. They yodel instead, and they are known to mimic the sounds of police car, firetruck, and ambulance sirens.

Danny: What is the quietest kind of a dog?
Denny: A hush puppy.

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” -Ann Landers (Esther Pauline Friedman Lederer (1918 - 2002))

Dan: Does your dog like children and the elderly?
Stan: Yes, but he prefers dog food!

Sheila: Why does a dog wag his tail?
Shelby: Because no one will wag it for him.

In 2003, Doctor Roger Mugford invented the ‘wagometer,’ a device he claims can interpret a dog’s exact mood by measuring the wag of its tail.

“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.” -Max Eastman (Max Forrester Eastman (1883 - 1969)): “Enjoyment of Laughter” (1936)

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” -Author Unknown

“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” -August Strindberg (Johan August Strindberg (1849 - 1912))

“A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.” -Jack London (pseudonym of John Griffith Chaney (1876 - 1916))

Chad: How is a dog like a telephone?
Chase: A dog has a collar I.D.

The Ten Things Your Dog Wants You to Know

If your dog could talk, these are some of most important things that he or she would like to tell you.
1. My life will probably only last 7 to 14 years. It will hurt me more than you know if I have to be away from you for longer than a day or two.
2. If you have patience with me and give me time to learn what you would like from me, I can promise you, you will never be disappointed.
3. Trust me with your life and have faith in our future together. If I don’t feel that you honestly believe in me, I will suffer great emotional stress. My sense of self-worth is wholly dependent upon your confidence in me.
4. Don’t stay mad at me for long or confine me to a cage to punish me. You have your friends, your job, and your recreation. I have only you!
5. Talk to me about anything you want as frequently as possible. Even if I can’t comprehend your precise words, I can understand the meaning of what you’re telling me by the tone of your voice.
6. Remember no matter how you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. When you consider raising your hand to hit me, remember I have teeth that could break the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scream at me for failing to respond to your commands as I usually do, take time to think about what might be wrong with me that would cause me to treat you differently. Maybe I haven’t been eating right or drinking enough water. Or maybe my age is catching up with me and I just can’t do what I used to do.
9. Take good care of me when I get old. Someday you will be as old as me and you will understand how it feels.
10. Be there for me through good times and bad. Never say you can’t handle taking me to the vets for stitches or surgery. Nothing could make me feel worse. Everything in my life is easier for me to deal with when I have you standing by my side. Remember my love for you is unconditional and it will last for your entire life.

by Danielle Hollister

Enormous and Shaggy

There was a wee lassie called Maggie,
Whose dog was enormous and shaggy;
     The front end of him
     Looked vicious and grim . . .
But the tail end was friendly and waggy!

by Author Unknown

“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” -Joe Weinstein

“Dear God, please help me to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.” -Author Unknown

Giles: What’s fast, furry, and goes, “Foow, foow”?
Gail: A dog chasing a car that’s going in reverse.

So, you are a dog and you chase cars - what exactly are your plans if you ever catch one?

Leon: Why was the puppy so well-behaved in class?
Noelle: He wanted to be the teacher’s pet.

“I hate a fellow whom pride or cowardice or laziness drives into a corner, and who does nothing when he is there but sit and growl. Let him come out as I do, and bark.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

Crystal: In which month do dogs bark the least?
Amber: February, because with 28 days, it is the shortest month.

A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in, followed by a very large dog. As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp, jumped up on the sofa with his muddy paws, and began chewing on one of the pillows. The outraged householder, unable to contain himself any longer, burst out, “Don’t you think you should train your dog better?” “My dog!” exclaimed the friend in surprise. “I thought it was your dog.”

Caleb: Why is a dog so hot in the summer?
Kyle: Because it wears a coat and pants.

Leash: The strap attached to a dog’s collar, enabling it to lead its person.

“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace.” -Milan Kundera (born 1929): as quoted in Doug Gelbert: “The Canine Hiker’s Bible” (2000), page 8

Ernest: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front seat?
Nestor: Put him in the back seat.

“A dog has the soul of a philosopher.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.)

Perth: Why do dogs run in circles?
Bertha: Because it is too hard to run in squares!

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957))

In dog language, ‘leather shoe’ means ‘chew toy.’

Aggie: Why did the dog stay in the shade?
Agatha: Because he didn’t want to turn into a hotdog!

I’ve Got a Dog

I’ve got a dog as thin as a rail,
     He’s got fleas all over his tail;
Every time his tail goes flop,
     The fleas on the bottom all hop to the top.

by Author Unknown

“I once had a dog who really believed he was man’s best friend. He kept borrowing money from me.” -Gene Perret (Gene Richard Perret (born 1937))

If you think that it is you who ‘owns’ your dog, just answer this question: Which one of you leads when you go out for a walk together?

Darla: Why do dogs not make good dancers?
Darlene: Because they have two left feet.

The Ambiguous Dog

The dog beneath the Cherry-tree
     Has ways that sorely puzzle me:
Behind, he wags a friendly tail;
     Before, his Growl would turn you pale!
His meaning isn’t wholly clear -
     Oh, is the Wag or Growl sincere?
I think I’d better not descend -
     His Bite is at the Growly End.

by Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)

Imagine a parallel dimension in which it is the dog that takes you for a walk, where you lie on the rug and the dog is on the couch, where dog food looks and smells better than your food - what, you say that is the universe in which you already live?

Maggie: How do you know when you have a slow dog?
Mollie: He brings you yesterday’s newspaper.

“We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.” -Margery Facklam (Margery Anne Facklam (1927 - 2015))

This is MFOL! . . . now go have yourself a tail-wagging good day!

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Domestic Cats

2/20/2020

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Kitty: Why did the cat run across the road?
Katy: Because her owner didn’t want her to.

“What are cats? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are completely unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.” -Author Unknown

Cat, noun: 1. A furry keyboard cover 2. A type of alarm clock.

The domestic cat, scientific name ‘Felis silvestris catus,’ is a small, usually furry, carnivorous animal. They are often called housecats when kept as indoor pets or simply cats when there is no need to distinguish them from other felids and felines. Cats are valued by humans for companionship and their ability to hunt pests. They are now found nearly everywhere humans live in the world.

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” -Author Unknown

Peggy: What do cats eat for breakfast?
Megan: Mice crispies and milk.

Cats are carnivores, or animals that eat animals. Cats use their highly sensitive sight and hearing and hunting skills to stalk, pounce on, kill, and eat small mammals, birds, fish, frogs, lizards, snakes, and bugs.

“Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?” -George Carlin

Cats are lethal hunters in part because they are sneaky and stealthy. When they walk, their back paws step almost exactly into the same place as the front paws do beforehand, which keeps noise to a minimum and limits visible tracks.

When a domestic cat goes after mice, about one pounce in three results in a catch.

“To pounce well, your cat must pounce often.” -Lynn Hollyn

Before a cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend,
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream.
-T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot): “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats” (1939)

“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not. Mine had me trained in two days.” -Bill Dana (William Szathmary)

Cats Facts
- An adult male cat is called a tom or a tomcat.
- An adult female cat is called a molly or a queen.
- A group of cats is called a clowder, a clutter, a cluster, a clan, a destruction, a herd, a pounce, a dout, a nuisance, a glorying, a glare, or a glaring.
- A young cat is called a kitten or a kit.
- A group of kittens all having the same mother is called a litter.
- The sound made by kittens is called mewing.
- The sounds made by cats are called hissing, meowing, mewing, purring, caterwauling, and yowling.

Helga: When do cats have eight legs?
Gertrude: When there are two of them.

A Cat’s Dictionary
- Purrple: A cat’s favorite color.
- Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
- Purring: The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
- Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
- Purrsuasion: What a cat uses to convince you to do something for it.
- Purru: Where cats go on their vacations.

What makes a cat purr? A cat has two sets of vocal cords when born. One set, contained in a cat’s voice box, makes the ‘meow’ sound. The other set, which are actually false vocal cords, are vibrated upon inhaling and exhaling, which produces an involuntary continuous purring sound. Cats purr at about 26 cycles per second, the same frequency as an idling diesel engine. Interestingly, cats seldom meow at other cats, mostly just at humans. Cats do, however, purr and hiss at other cats.

“Cats are like greatness: Some people are born into cat-loving families, some people achieve cats, and some people have cats thrust upon them.” -William H. A. Carr

Dawn: What do you get when you cross a cat with a laughing hyena?
Eve: A giggle-puss!

Cats have excellent hearing. The ears of cats have 32 muscles that control the outer ear (human ears only have six muscles). Cats can independently twitch and rotate their ears 180 degrees, allowing cats to detect sounds from all directions without moving their heads. The little tufts of hair in their ears that help keep out dirt, direct sounds into the ear, and insulate the ears are called ‘ear furnishings.’

Ed: I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Ward: Yes, her name is Meow.

“One cat just leads to another.” -Ernest Hemingway

So, you climbed a tree . . . and you cannot get back down . . . clearly you did not think your actions through from the beginning - now how are you going to get out of this bind?

Why do cats get stuck in trees? Cats can easily climb up into trees, but they cannot climb down head-first from trees, because their claws curve in the wrong direction for them to be able do so. So, to climb back down, cats must go down tail-first. However, cats may not know this instinctively, and therefore, they must learn how to do it. Until they do, many cats find trees to be very effective cat traps. Fortunately, cats do not stay permanently stuck up in trees; they always find their way back down on their own, even without human help, when hunger, thirst, or weather compels them. And, due to their mewing when temporarily stuck in trees, overly-compassionate humans often come to their aid.

Kat: How do you spell mousetrap in three letters?
Kate: C-a-t.

Why do cats arch their backs? Cats arch their backs as part of a complex body language system, usually associated with feeling threatened or being caught off guard. The backs of cats are extremely flexible because they have 30 loosely fitting vertebrae (not including the additional 18 to 23 tail vertebrae, in cats that have tails).

Remember the cat that discovered happiness was in its tail: He could never catch it, but when he ignored it, it followed him everywhere.

Katherine: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
Katrina: She had three little kittens with mittens!

Two Cats of Kilkenny

There once were two cats of Kilkenny;
Each thought there was one cat too many;
So they scratched and they spit,
And they tore and they bit,
Till, instead of two cats, there wasn’t any.

by Author Unknown

Domestic cats love to play, and this is especially true with kittens, who love to chase toys and play fight. Play fighting among kittens is a way for them to learn and practice the skills for hunting and fighting.

“There is something about the presence of a cat . . . that seems to take the bite out of being alone.” -Louis J. Camuti

Kitty has claws. Domestic cats have eighteen claws: five on each of their front paws and four on each of their back paws. The claws on the back paws of cats are not as sharp as the claws on the front paws because the claws in the back do not retract, and consequently, become worn.

The earliest ancestors of domesticated cats were wildcats that lived about 25 million years ago in Europe and Asia. Scientists call them by the Greek word ‘Proailurus,’ meaning ‘First cat.’ Humans began domesticating cats in about 7500 B.C.E.

“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” -Albert Schweitzer

Domestic cats do not like swimming because their fur becomes heavy and does not insulate well against the cold when wet. The Turkish Van, however, is a type of cat that likes to swim. Originating in central Asia, it has a coat with a unique texture that makes it water resistant.

Ailurophobia is a persistent fear or loathing of cats. People with ailurophobia may fear being scratched or bitten by a cat or they simply may fear cats altogether, sometimes as a result of superstitious beliefs. Some people quite rationally avoid cats because they are allergic to cat dander. ‘Ailurophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘ailouros’ meaning ‘cat’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’

“There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.” -Dan Greenberg

When cats fall from heights, they tend to land on their feet due to their ‘righting reflex.’ The eyes and balance organs in their inner ears tell cats where they are in space so that they can land on their feet. Even cats without tails have this ability.

When cats fall through the air, they always land on their feet, and when toast falls through the air, it always lands with the buttered side down. We propose strapping buttered toast to the backs of cats, and the combination would hover, spinning just slightly above the ground. A large number of these buttered-toast-and-cats could be easily assembled to create a high-speed train that would link New York with Seattle.

Cat Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!

by Author Unknown

Chelsea: What happened when the cat slept under the car?
Chester: She woke up oily the next morning.

Cats sleep on average 12 to 16 hours a day, but never quite as deep as humans. Instead, they fall asleep quickly and wake up intermittently to check to see if their surroundings are safe. This means a nine-year old cat has been awake for only 3 to 4.5 years of its life. By snoozing so much, cats are missing out on a lot of life, so we should all take a lesson from this and stop snoozing so much ourselves.

Jim: Why do cats run around just before dawn?
Tim: They are looking for the ‘early bird.’

The eyesight of cats is both worse and better than that of humans. It is worse because cats cannot see color as well as humans do - scientists believe green grass appears red to cats. It is better because cats have a 285-degree field of vision and very good night vision, allowing them to see at light levels six times lower than what humans can see. Cats have natural built-in and fully-integrated night vision goggles, called cat eyes.

Myrna: What kind of cat will keep your grass short?
Myrtle: A lawn meower.

A cat usually has about 12 whiskers on each side of its face, divided into four rows. However, if you try to count them yourself, you might find your cat uncooperative, because whiskers are very sensitive to the touch. Cats use their whiskers to determine if spaces are too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as feelers or antennae, helping cats judge the precise width of possible passageways.

A Kitten’s Thought

It’s very nice to think of how
     In every country lives a Cow
To furnish milk with all her might
     For Kitten’s comfort and delight.

by Oliver Herford

Young cats are called kittens. Like humans, kittens are born with blue eyes, and their permanent eye color sets in soon thereafter. One reason that kittens sleep so much is because they have a growth hormone that is released only during sleep. Kittens have about 26 temporary teeth, which are replaced with 30 permanent teeth when they reach about six months of age.

The Trouble with a kitten is that
Eventually it becomes a Cat
-Ogden Nash

Patsy: What goes, “Meow-tweet, meow-tweet?”
Patty: A catbird.

“I have been lying to both of my cats for years. Anytime they meow at me, I tell them, ‘I know, I know!’ . . . but I don’t . . . I just don’t know . . .” -Author Unknown

Foods that must not be given to cats include chocolate, onions, garlic, green tomatoes, raw potatoes, grapes, and raisins. The pain relievers acetaminophen and aspirin are extremely toxic to cats. While it is safe and even beneficial for cats to eat grass, many common houseplants are poisonous to cats. Feeding either only dog food or canned tuna meant for human consumption to cats can cause malnutrition. Most importantly, your cat wants you to know that it cannot survive on a vegetarian diet because cats were designed to be meat eaters.

Saul: How do you get milk from a cat?
Sal: Steal its saucer.

“Man is a kind of locomotive tree, pleasant to rub against, the lower limbs of which afford a comfortable seat, and from whose upper branches occasionally drop tidbits of mutton and other luscious fruit.” -Anonymous Cat

Ingrid: If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Gretta: Their paws.

“Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously.” -Louis J. Camuti

Mother Cat

There was a mother cat,
     Who ate a ball of yarn,
And when she had kittens,
     They all had sweaters on.

by Author Unknown

“My wife said to me, ‘I think the cat wants to go out.’ ‘How could you possibly know that?’ I asked. ‘He’s put his hat and coat on,’ she said.” -Author Unknown

The ability of cats to find their way home is called ‘psi-traveling.’ Experts think cats either use the angle of the sunlight to find their way home, or that cats have magnetized cells in their brains that act as compasses.

“To keep a cat at home, butter its feet.” -Author Unknown

Advertisement: “Situation Wanted: Healthy kitten seeks good home - honest, loyal, conscientious, will do light mousework.”

Cats are employed on farms to help reduce the vermin population (rats, mice, and other small, destructive animals).

“Meow is like aloha - it can mean anything.” -Hank Ketchum

This is MFOL! . . . we wish you and all of your fury friends a purrrfectly marvelous day!

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The Ducks Song

2/3/2020

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The Ducks Song

I see the ducks,
     The ducks see me.
I like the ducks,
     The ducks like me.

Big green ducks,
     One, two, three.
I like the ducks,
     And the ducks like me.

by Author Unknown

Image shown: Black East India Duck, with a bit of green iridescence.

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Elephants

1/7/2020

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William: What is gray and tons of fun?
Katherine: An elephant!

The Elephant

The elephant is quite a beast,
     He’s rather large to say the least,
And though his size is quite impressive,
     The elephant is not aggressive,
He never throws his weight around,
     Still he always holds his ground.
He only wants to feel secure.
     Long may the elephant endure!

by Arnold Sundgaard (Arnold Olaf Sundgaard (1909 - 2006))

Minerva: What is big and gray and goes, “Bubble-bubble-ka-boom!”
Minnie: An elephant experimenting with a chemistry set.

Elephants Facts
- An adult male elephant is called a bull.
- An adult female elephant is called a cow.
- A young elephant is called a calf.
- The plural of elephant is elephants.
- A group of elephants is called a herd, or imaginatively, a memory.
- A group of elephants walking in single-file is called a parade.
- The sound made by elephants is called trumpeting.
- Elephants are the largest land animals on Earth.
- Elephants are herbivores, or plants-eaters.

Terry: How can you tell when there are elephants in your refrigerator?
Theresa: You can hear them giggling.

Elephants belong to the family of animals known as pachyderms, meaning thick-skinned animals. Other members of the pachyderm family are rhinoceroses, hippopotamuses, pigs, tapirs, and extinct wooly mammoths and mastodons.

Sandra: Why do elephants catch colds?
Sandy: Well, you would too, if you ran around all the time without any clothes on!

The two main types of elephants are the African elephant and the Asian elephant.

Lee: What is the difference between African elephants and Asian elephants?
Lars: About three thousand miles!

Both male and female African elephants have tusks. Their ears are about 1.5 meters (5 feet) long. African elephants are known by the scientific name Loxodonta africana. They are divided into two subspecies: the African Forest Elephant and the African Bush Elephant.

Bill: Why do elephants live in the jungle?
Glen: Because they are too big to fit in Tarzan’s treehouse.

Asian elephants have smaller bodies and smaller ears than African elephants, and only the males of the Asian elephants have tusks. The scientific name for Asian elephants is Elephas maximus. The four subspecies of Asian elephants are Indian, Ceylon, Sumatran, and Malaysian.

Marybeth: What is gray and weighs 200 pounds?
Maribelle: A bouncing baby elephant!

Newborn baby elephants weight about 91 kilograms (200 pounds). Adult elephants weigh between 2,268 and 6,350 kilograms (5,000 and 14,000 pounds). Some male elephants can grow to be 4 meters (13 feet tall) and weigh between 4,536 and 6,350 kilograms (10,000 and 14,000 pounds). The largest elephant on record weighed about 12,000 kilograms (26,000 pounds).

Darlene: What do elephants say when they bump into each other?
Charlene: “Small world, isn’t it?”

Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump, and that is good, because the last thing we need is more earthquakes!

Hickory dickory dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.

Arvin: How can you tell that elephants are always ready for adventure?
Allen: They always have their trunks ready to go!

Anne: What has four legs and a trunk?
Drew: An elephant?
Anne: A mouse going on vacation - fooled you!

After their size, the most noticeable feature of elephants is their trunks. A trunk is an elongation of an elephant’s nose and upper lip. An elephant’s trunk can grow to be about 2 meters (6.5 feet) long, and has about 40,000 muscles, but contains no bones. Besides being used for breathing and smelling, the trunk can be used in much the same way that humans use their arms and hands. Elephants are able to sense the size, shape, texture, and temperature of objects by feeling with their trunks. Elephants have two finger-like projections at the tips of their trunks, which can be used to manipulate and grasp small objects and to pluck grass and leaves to eat. Elephants use their trunks to lift food and to suck up water, which they then pour into their mouths. In summary, elephant’s trunks are very useful tools.

Michelle: Why do elephants have trunks?
Mabelle: Because glove compartments are not nearly so stylish.

Geronimo: What do you say when you scold an elephant?
Tecumseh: “Tusk! Tusk!”

Elephants have pairs of tusks, which are long teeth made of a substance called ivory. Elephant tusks grow throughout their lifetimes and can weigh more than 200 pounds. Their tusks help them obtain food and dig in the ground for water. Elephants can also use their tusks to carry heavy objects such as tree trunks.

Jeremy: What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
Jered: An umbrellaphant!

Elephants have large, thin ears. Within them is a complex network of blood vessels. As blood circulates through their ears, it releases heat into the air. Elephants can flap their ears, causing the blood within them to release heat at an even faster rate. The cooled blood then circulates through the rest of the elephants’ massive bodies, helping to keep elephants cool in the hot climates where they live.

Pete: What is big and gray and hums?
Paul: An electric elephant!

Rudy: Why do more elephants not go to college?
Ruby: Because so few of them graduate from high school.

Bernice: What is large, gray, and writes?
Brad: A ballpoint elephant!

Willow: Why do you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Mahogany: Because they are really good at it.

Jimmy: Why can elephants not fly?
James: Because they do not have propellers.

“Nature’s great masterpiece, an elephant, the only harmless great thing.” -John Donne (1572 - 1631)

Owen: How do elephants get squinty eyes?
Wendell: From reading the small print on peanut packages.

Elephants are herbivores, and spend 16 to 20 hours a day eating leaves, twigs (small branches), bark, tree roots, bamboo, and grasses. They especially like leaves from upper branches, which they get by pushing down trees with their large heads and bodies. They get bark by scraping it off trees with their sharp tusks. During the wet or rainy season, elephants eat things low to the ground, and during the dry season, they use their trunks to gather food from trees and bushes that are higher off the ground. Adult elephants eat 136 to 272 kilograms (300 to 600 pounds) of food every day.

Aaron: Why do elephants eat raw plants?
Isaac: Because they do not know how to cook.

Beverly: Why was the elephant sitting on the marshmallow?
Christine: Because she did not want to fall into the hot chocolate.

Adult elephants need to drink at least 210 liters (55 gallons) of water every day. If an elephant’s trunk holds about 9.5 liters (2.5 gallons) of water, how many times would an elephant need to fill its trunk each day?

Roderick: Why is it dangerous to tell elephant jokes?
Reginald: Because elephants never forget!

Patrice: Why do elephants not like elephant jokes?
Patrick: They think they are Dumbo.

Melanie: Who started all these crazy elephant jokes?
Pamela: That is what the elephants would like to know!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gladys.
Gladys, who?
Gladys you and not another elephant joke!

Tabitha: Why did the elephant cross the road?
Tabbie: Because she did not want to hear that last joke.

Elephants . . . among the last dignified inhabitants of Earth . . .

Adult elephants sleep between 4 and 5 hours in a 24-hour time period. Their sleep is often broken up into shorter time periods and naps throughout the day and night. In family herds, some of the elephants stay awake while others are sleeping, to guard against predators, especially when the herd has baby elephants to protect. Elephants can adjust their sleep patterns when the weather is hot, napping more in the daytime and staying awake during the cooler nighttime to find food and water.

Male elephant mature and leave their herds at about 12 or 13 years of age, living fairly solitary lives from that point onward.

Ernest: Why do elephants travel in herds?
Otis: Because if they traveled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep.

Female elephants spend their entire lives living in family herds of up to ten females and their young. Each family herd is led by a female elephant called a matriarch, usually the oldest and largest female in the herd. All of the females in the herd are directly related to the matriarch. Herds are known to travel distances of 16 kilometers (10 miles) or farther in a day to look for food and water. When elephants travel, they walk very quietly in single file. Young elephants are led by the older elephants with their tails. They stay close to their mothers at all times. The entire herd will protect the young ones if there are any signs of danger.

Chad: What is big and gray, and wears glass slippers?
Chet: Cinderelephant.

Carrie: What is big and grey and has horns?
Karen: An elephant marching band!

While not noted for their musical talent, the most familiar sound made by elephants is called trumpeting. Elephants can purr as cats do. Elephants can also communicate by making singing and rumbling sounds at between 14 and 35 hertz, which is below human hearing range. Elephants can communicate by stomping on the ground, which makes sounds and vibrations that can be detected by other elephants. These varied types of communication allow elephants to locate other elephants and to call wandering individuals back to the herd, and can ever allow several different herds to stay in direct contact over distances of many miles.

Maude: How can you tell if there is an elephant in your snack food?
Todd: Read the list of ingredients.

Overheard: The only reason that a great many people do not own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for ten dollars down and ten dollars a week.

Going to Work

An elephant, going to work,
Was heard to remark, with a smirk,
     “I’ll keep my good manners
     For hay and bananers
But quit if my mahout should shirk.”

by Author Unknown

Danny: What would you get if you crossed an elephant and a computer?
Daniel: The biggest know-it-all you ever saw.

Because of their large size, great strength, and defensive capabilities, full-grown elephants have few natural predators. Elephants can fight with their tusks to defend themselves, and wrap their muscular trunks around other animals. They can push things around with their sheer weight and strength. Elephants can raise their front legs off the ground, standing briefly on just their rear legs, and kick with their front legs or drop their front legs and crushing body weight back down onto any threatening animal. If need be, elephants can also run about 39 kilometers (24 miles) an hour for short distances. Even so, elephants in the wild are vulnerable to lions that prey on young or weak elephants, and humans destroy elephant habitats and kill elephants for their ivory tusks.

Darcy: What is big and gray and takes the bus everywhere?
Marcy: An elephant who failed her driver’s license test.

Mortimer: What is gray, has 800 feet, and cannot get off the ground?
Gerard: An airplane full of elephants.

Elephants are good swimmers. They can also walk along the bottom of a lake or river while extending their trunks up to the surface like snorkels to breathe air. Going into water helps them to stay cool when the weather is hot, and they also bathe themselves in the water.

Sherman: Why are elephants wrinkled?
Herman: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Opal: Why are elephants so poor?
Violet: Because they work for peanuts!

Eva: Why is an elephant gray?
Evaline: So you will not mistake him for a bluebird.

Dana: Why do elephants not ride bicycles?
Gina: They do not have thumbs to ring the bells.

Elephantine: Resembling or characteristic of an elephant or elephants, especially in being large, clambering, or awkward. Agile elephants may disagree with this generalization!

John: Why do elephants not use computers?
Joan: They are afraid of the mouse.

Alexander: How would you recognize an elephant on the Moon?
Alexia: By the big ‘E’ on her spacesuit.

An Elephant

When people call this beast to mind
     They marvel more and more
At such a little tail behind
     So large a trunk before.

by Author Unknown

Merry: What did the elephant wish for on his birthday?
Mary: A trunkful of presents!

Alice: What should you always remember when telling elephant jokes?
Ellis: Elephants never forget!

This is MFOL! . . . Ha, ha, ha - wait, we don’t get it . . .

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Squirrels and Chipmunks

12/6/2019

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A squirrel and a chipmunk - but how can you know for certain which is which?

Squirrels live in a variety of habitats. The three types of squirrels are tree squirrels (with bushy tails), ground squirrels (with non-bushy tails), and flying squirrels.

Well, now, let’s see . . . you’re bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? You are definitely a squirrel! Squirrels are known for their big bushy tails, which they use to balance themselves while they scamper around in trees and on the ground. They also use their tails to communicate in squirrel sign-language. For example, they can flick their tails when a dog is near to let other squirrels know to ‘scurry away to safety - pronto!’

“A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.” -Sarah Jessica Parker (born 1965)

Squirrels have tufts of hair on their pointed ears, large dark eyes, whiskers, claws on their feet, sharp teeth, powerful hind legs, and long bushy tails. They have five toes on their back feet and four toes on their front feet. Their front toes have sharp claws, which allow them to grip tree trunks. Their hind legs are double-jointed, which helps them run up and down trees very quickly.

Chipmunks are squirrels, strangely enough. Lively and speedy critters, chipmunks are diminutive members of the squirrel family. Their pudgy cheeks, large glossy eyes, stripes, and tails have made them a favorite among cartoonists, and have landed them starring roles in Hollywood productions (“Alvin and the Chipmunks,” for example). Their distinctive stripes have led to the term ‘timber tigers’ being humorously used as a nickname for them. We might think of chipmunks as the smaller and spunkier members of the squirrel family.

“Chipmunks are squirrels with racing stripes.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Chipmunks are the smallest members of the squirrel family, at about 17.78 to 27.94 centimeters (7 to 11 inches) long, including their long, bushy tails. They weigh roughly 28 to 142 grams (1 to 5 ounces). Chipmunks have gray-brown fur, with dark and light stripes along the back and light-colored undersides. Their eyes are surrounded by white fur, and they have dark brown stripes on their faces.

Skippy: What does a chipmunk do when it rains?
Buddy: It gets wet!

Squirrels (other than chipmunk ones) range in size from 13 to 92 centimeters (5 to 36 inches) long, including their tails. They weigh about 300 to 713 grams (10.58 ounces to 25.29 ounces). Gray squirrels have color phases that include black, red, albino, and a blending of red and black. The black phase tends to be more common further north.

If you still cannot tell the difference between a squirrel and a chipmunk, it might help to remember that the squirrel is the one with a moose for a best friend, while the chipmunk has stripes and can sing, just as they are shown in television shows and in movies. What, you say those ones are not real animals? You are joking, right? No?!

All squirrels, including the type of ground squirrels called chipmunks, have large expandable cheek pouches at the sides of their mouths, into which they can stuff considerable quantities of food, and then scamper off to ‘squirrel their food away’ in their secret hiding places.

Squirrels and Chipmunks Facts
- An adult male squirrel is called a buck.
- An adult female squirrel is called a doe.
- A young squirrel is called a pup, a kit, or a kitten.
- A group of squirrels is called a scurry or a squad.
- The sounds made by squirrels are called chirping and squeaking.
- Squirrels live in North America, Europe, Asia, and Africa.
- Squirrels in the wild can live for as long as 6 years.
- Squirrels in captivity can live for as long as 15 years.
- Chipmunks in the wild can live for as long as 3 years.
- Chipmunks in captivity can live for as long as 8 years.

The Squirrel

Whisky frisky,
     Hippity hop
Up he goes
     To the top!

Whirly twirly,
     Round and round
Down he scampers
     To the ground.

Furly, curly,
     What a tail!
Tall as a feather,
     Broad as a sail!

Where’s his supper?
     In the shell,
Snap, cracky,
     Out it fell.

by Author Unknown

A squirrel’s nest is called a dray or a drey. Squirrels usually build nests at or above the ground’s surface, often in holes in the trunks of trees. Chipmunks burrow underground to nest. Many chipmunks dig extensive burrows that can be more than 3.5 meters (11 feet) long. These burrows often have more than one entrance and have chambers, or rooms, in which chipmunks store large amounts of food for the Winter. Some chipmunks make nests in logs or in bushes.

Dorothy: How do you catch a squirrel?
Doris: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Clive: How do you catch a European squirrel?
Kyle: Climb a tree and act like a ‘metric’ nut.

The Flying Squirrel

The flying squirrel is crazy.
Though he has no feathers (much less wings),
He scampers up into the tallest tree
And cries, “Toot-toot! I’m a parachute!”
And away off the highest branches he springs
Into empty air, spreading every hair,
His arms and legs spread wide to the side,
Till he lands with a thump that’s almost quiet . . .
Admire it, child, but don’t you try it!

by John Gardner (1933 - 1982): “A Child’s Bestiary” (1977), page 23

Why are flying squirrels not seen more often? Flying squirrels are nocturnal, meaning they prefer to be out and about and on the move when it is dark. They can climb high up into trees and then jump or leap, positioning all four legs so that their gliding membrane (skin) is fully spread out, and then they land on a tree branch or a tree trunk, using their tails as brakes. Yes, what you may have suspected is indeed true: ‘flying squirrels’ cannot actually fly; they can only glide through the air, at distances of up to 90 meters (295 feet). Should we change their name to ‘nocturnal gliding squirrels,’ or ‘night gliders,’ for short?

Humans have long been envious of the flying squirrels’ aerial skills. Base jumpers and skydivers have even developed special ‘wing suits’ that let them mimic flying squirrels. The suits work to slow their descent and allow them to control their maneuvering as they glide through the atmosphere. Then, at a distance well above the ground, these extreme sporters release parachutes to make a greatly slowed final descent to the Earth’s surface.

Squirrels are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals. Squirrels will eat seeds, nuts, grains, leaves, flowers, fruit, tree bark, roots, bulbs, mushrooms, caterpillars, worms, insects, eggs, small birds, mice, and other small animals. By far, their favorite food is nuts such as acorns, followed closely by sunflower seeds. Urban-dwelling, or city, squirrels have adapted themselves to eating just about anything, including pizza, luncheon meats, bread, and other kinds of human foods. When their usual food is scarce, they must eat anything they can find to survive - but so far, there are no known instances of squirrels eating humans, not even people who have fallen asleep on park benches.

Biff: How does a nut feel when a squirrel chews on it?
Buffy: Nut so good!

Squirrels beware - human food is extremely bad for you. Icky caramel-covered popcorn, yucky salted peanuts, disgusting greasy oil-fried chips, cardboard-like pizza - stay away from such gastrointestinal nightmares! Just look at how these foods cause humans to have bizarre and unnatural shapes and mobility impairments - oh, the horror of it all! Squirrels, it’s best to stick to the diet nature intended for you. Nature knows best, after all.

“Please do not feed the squirrels. If you feed the squirrels, they will become overweight, and prone to disease. Their population will grow, and they will lose their ability to forage for food on their own. They will expect you to feed them and they will attack you if you do not. They will become like little welfare recipients, and you would not want to do this to them.” -Author Unknown: sign posted in Rocky Mountain National Park, United States of America

Why do squirrels hide their food? Gray squirrels and Fox squirrels hide their food in many places, so that if another squirrel or animal finds a part of their food, their entire winter’s supply of food is unlikely to be eaten by those other animals. Sometimes squirrels hide food temporarily until they can move it to a better location, in a technique known as ‘scatter hoarding.’ Red squirrels and Pine squirrels dig shallow pits, referred to as ‘middens,’ where they store the pinecones they gather. They then cover this food supply with leaves and other debris to create a cold, moist storage environment, which is a practice called ‘larder hoarding.’ Squirrels need hidden food reserves to provide them with meals during the parts of the year when food is less plentiful, particularly during the cold Winter season when most plants do not grow or are dormant.

Millions of trees around the world, and in some cases, entire forests, have been planted by squirrels stowing away food for later use. Squirrels gather and bury large numbers of nuts and seeds, and then forget where they have hidden some of them. After enough time in the ground, and with proper temperature, moisture, and sunlight, the nuts and seeds sprout and grow into trees.

The Chipmunk

My friends all know that I am shy
     But the chipmunk is twice as shy as I
He moves with flickering indecision
     Like stripes across a television
He’s like the shadow of a cloud
     Or Emily Dickinson read out loud.

by Ogden Nash

Like other wildlife, squirrels are best admired from a distance. If you attempt to feed squirrels by holding food in your fingers or in the palm of your hand, you could find yourself with painful squirrel bites. Squirrels do not usually bite people on purpose, unless they are provoked into a situation where they believe their lives are in danger, or they are under duress because of traumatic memories from bad past encounters with humans or other animals. However, it should be noted that the eyes of squirrels are set into their heads in such a way that they can have difficulty seeing objects directly in front of their faces, so they might unintentionally confuse your fingers or your hand with the food you are offering to them, and consequently bite you when trying to grasp the food with their sharp rodent teeth. Additionally, although cute and furry and fun to watch, squirrels can also be carriers of highly contagious interspecies diseases. If you are bitten or scratched by a squirrel or other wild animal, you will need to go to a hospital right away to get tetanus and rabies vaccination injections, as well as treatment for possible bubonic plague, as a precaution against contracting these diseases, which can be transmitted from squirrels to humans and can result in serious, even life-threatening, illnesses. This information is not intended to take the fun out of your visit to the park or your enjoyment of having a backyard squirrel feeding station, but it is intended to inform you of the potential risks of human-squirrel (and other human-wildlife) interactions.

Bert: How can you tell when a squirrel has been hiding its acorns in your chocolate pudding?
Bret: The pudding will be lumpier than usual.

The largest concentration of squirrels in the United States of America is in the nation’s capital, which is Washington in the District of Columbia, specifically in Lafayette Park near the White House. In this ‘Squirrel Capital of the World,’ the little rodents roam free and are well fed by thousands of government employees, tourists, and other visitors who share the park with the squirrels every day.

“This is a Tale about a tail - a tail that belonged to a little red squirrel, and his name was Nutkin.” -Beatrix Potter (Helen Beatrix ‘Beatrix’ Potter (1866 - 1943)): “The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin” (1903)

The word ‘squirrel’ comes from the Greek word ‘skiouros’ meaning ‘shadow tail.’

“I knew I was nuts the day the squirrels started looking at me funny.” -Author Unknown

A squirrel’s four front teeth never stop growing. Their teeth are worn down when they chomp on nuts and tree bark.

Squirrels have excellent eyesight. The large eyes of squirrels help them avoid predators.

The predators of squirrels, or animals that hunt and eat them, include bears, coyotes, eagles, foxes, hawks, domestic cats, humans, lynxes, owls, raccoons, snakes, and weasels.

When squirrels are frightened, they run back and forth and in different directions to confuse predators.

Some squirrels can run at speeds of up to 32 kilometers (20 miles) an hour, and some squirrels can jump distances of up to 6 meters (20 feet).

There are about 280 species of squirrels, including 25 species of chipmunks. They could all be living in your attic right now, filling the space between the walls and under the floor with nuts and nesting material, chewing the insulation off wires, and chewing holes in the walls to make entrances and exits. Additionally, they are not paying any rent money to you.

Squirrels and Chipmunks Quiz
- Where do squirrels live?
- Are squirrels chipmunks, or are chipmunks squirrels?
- What do squirrels eat?

Riddle: I scurry around gathering acorns and storing them for the Winter - who am I?
Solution: I am a squirrel.

Squirrels and Chipmunks Quiz Answers
- Squirrels make their homes below ground or up in trees.
- Chipmunks are small squirrels with striped fur.
- Squirrels are omnivores, and they eat plant material and animals including insects.

Squirrels

Squirrels do not watch
     ridiculous late-night TV,
And that is why they are
     smarter than you and me.

by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

This is MFOL! . . . are you having as much fun today as squirrels are having?

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Animals and Animal Natures

11/10/2019

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“Animals talk to each other; I never knew but one man who could understand them - I knew he could because he told me so himself.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

Marty: Who grants wishes to animals?
Martin: Their furry godmother.

“Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans, also known as Marian Evans Cross (1819 - 1880)): “Scenes of Clerical life” (1858), ‘Mr. Gilfil’s Love Story’

Charlotte: Which animals live in mobile homes?
Charlene: Turtles, tortoises, snails, and hermit crabs.

“For a good life: Work like a dog. Eat like a horse. Think like a fox. And play like a rabbit.” -George E. Allen (1832 - 1907)

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How Creatures Move

The lion walks on padded paws,
     The squirrel leaps from limb to limb,
While flies can crawl straight up a wall,
     And seals can dive and swim.

The worm, he wiggles all around,
     The monkey swings by his tail,
And birds may hop upon the ground,
     Or spread their wings and sail.

by Author Unknown

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“There is something in animals beside the power of motion. They are not machines; they feel.” -Charles-Louis de Secondat (also known simply as Montesquieu (1689 - 1755))
[Emotions and Feelings]

Always Be Kind to Animals

Always be kind to animals,
     Morning, noon, and night.
For animals have feelings, too,
     And furthermore, they bite.

by John Gardner (1933 - 1982): “A Child’s Bestiary” (1977), ‘Introduction’
[Poetic Epigrams]

Zoophobia is a persistent fear of animals. It is understandable. Many animals have sharp teeth, sharp claws, powerful muscles, lightning speed, and strange ways about them. Perhaps even more frightening is that some animals display behaviors that are remarkably human-like, and humans are among the most terrifying of animals. We know this because we have met some of them.

“One reason why birds and horses are happy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Harbison Carnegie (born Dale Breckenridge Carnegey (1888 - 1955)))

When is Be Kind to Animals Week? It is observed in the first full week of May of each year.

Many Causes Have Animal Mascots
- Woodsy Owl says, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute.”
- McGruff the Crime Dog says, “Take a bite out of crime. Ruff!”
- Smokey the Bear says, “Only you can prevent wildfires.”
- Can you think of other animal mascots that support causes?

Animals and Animal Natures Facts
- About nine million different species of life call the Earth home.
- We are dependent on animals for our survival as a species.
- What other facts do you know about animals?

Look around, and you will notice many peculiarities about animals: Dogs chase cars, cats get stuck in trees, humans gossip, and spiders cannot find their way out of bathtubs. At Make Fun Of Life! we ourselves are always looking for fun things we might be able to do . . .

“I believe animals should be respected as citizens of this Earth. They should have the right to their own freedom, their own families, and their own life.” -John Feldmann (John William Feldmann (born 1967))

Here Is the Ostrich

Here is the ostrich straight and tall
Nodding his head above us all
Here is the long snake on the ground
Wriggling over the stones he found
Here are the birds that fly so high
Spreading their wings across the sky
Here is the hedgehog prickly and small
Rolling himself into a ball
Here is the spider scuttling around
Treading so lightly on the ground
Here are the children fast asleep
And here at night the owls do peep

by Author Unknown

Squirrel with pizza slice . . . don’t eat that junk food, squirrel - it will make you fat!

“People are beginning to see that the first requisite to success in life is to be a good animal.” -Herbert Spencer (1820 - 1903)

Danny: What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
Denny: A lumpy milkshake!

“There are unknown worlds of knowledge in brutes; and whenever you mark a horse, or a dog, with a peculiarly mild, calm, deep-seated eye, be sure he is an Aristotle or a Kant, tranquilly speculating upon the mysteries in man. No philosophers so thoroughly comprehend us as dogs and horses. They see through us at a glance. And after all, what is a horse but a species of four-footed dumb man, in a leathern overall, who happens to live upon oats, and toils for his masters, half-requited or abused, like the biped hewers of wood and drawers of water? But there is a touch of divinity even in brutes, and a special halo about a horse, that should forever exempt him from indignities.” -Herman Melville (1819 - 1891): “Redburn: His First Voyage” (1849)

Sidney: Where do lions and tigers and bears work out?
Cindy: At the jungle gym, silly!

“Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

Jered: What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
Jerome: A cockapoodledoo!

“We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth.” -Henry Beston (1888 - 1968): “The Outermost House” (1928)

“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.” -Bobcat Goldthwait (Robert Francis ‘Bobcat’ Goldthwait (born 1962))

Crepuscular animals are ones that are active primarily during twilight, or dawn and dusk. The word crepuscular is derived from the Latin word ‘crepusculum’ meaning ‘twilight.’ Crepuscular animals are different from diurnal (daylight) and nocturnal (night) active animals. Some animals that are thought of as being nocturnal are actually crepuscular.

A snake and a rabbit met. Never having seen a creature of that type before, each studied the other. The snake said, “You have long ears, two funny front teeth, and you go hippety-hop. You must be a rabbit.” The rabbit nodded and said, “You have oily skin, fangs, and a split tongue. You must be either a lawyer or a politician.”

The placement of donkeys’ eyes in their heads allows them to see all four feet at all times, enabling them to be very sure-footed animals.

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless he is absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.” -Fran Lebowitz (Frances Ann ‘Fran’ Lebowitz (born 1950)): “Social Studies” (1 August 1981)

Is it more than coincidence that there are so many ‘sets’ of animals that people easily confuse: turtles and tortoises, dolphins and porpoises, mice and voles, rabbits and hares . . . Can you think of others?

“Always remember, animals are people too, and they are citizens of planet Earth just as we are. That is not a right given to them by humankind. It is a right they have because they exist as God’s creatures, just as humans exist as God’s creatures.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Should there be an Animal Olympics?

“We need a way of life in which the animal, guided by reason, may romp, but will not bite.” -Abraham Myerson (1881 - 1948)

Hurt No Living Thing

Hurt no living thing:
Ladybug, nor butterfly,
Nor moth with dusty wing,
Nor cricket chirping cheerily,
Nor grasshopper so light of leap.
Nor dancing gnat, or beetle flat,
Nor harmless worms that creep.

by Christina Rossetti (Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894))

“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.” -Thornton Wilder (Thornton Niven Wilder (1897 - 1975))

Are animals people, too?

Fun fact: A domestic cat can frighten a black bear into climbing a tree.

Legal Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this topic; some, however, did show a total lack of interest . . .

Animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads include rabbits and parrots.

Animal Names

Alligator, beetle, porcupine, whale,
Bobolink, panther, dragonfly, snail,
Crocodile, monkey, buffalo, hare,
Dromedary, leopard, mud turtle, bear,
Elephant, badger, pelican, ox,
Flying fish, reindeer, anaconda, fox,
Guinea pig, dolphin, antelope, goose,
Hummingbird, weasel, pickerel, moose,
Ibex, rhinoceros, owl, kangaroo,
Jackal, opossum, toad, cockatoo,
Kingfisher, peacock, anteater, bat,
Lizard, ichneumon, honeybee, rat,
Mockingbird, camel, grasshopper, mouse,
Nightingale, spider, cuttlefish, grouse,
Ocelot, pheasant, wolverine, auk,
Periwinkle, ermine, katydid, hawk,
Quail, hippopotamus, armadillo, moth,
Rattlesnake, lion, woodpecker, sloth,
Salamander, goldfinch, angleworm, dog,
Tiger, flamingo, scorpion, frog,
Unicorn, ostrich, nautilus, mole,
Viper, gorilla, basilisk, sole,
Whippoorwill, beaver, centipede, fawn,
Xeme, canary, polliwog, swan,
Yellowhammer, eagle, hyena, lark,
Zebra, chameleon, butterfly, shark.

by Author Unknown

Lela: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
Ella: Fowl weather.

What are scruffs? Scruffs are an area of loose skin at the nape, or back of the neck of some animals, that can be gripped and held while lifting them, and if done carefully, no harm will be done to the animal. Which animals have scruffs in their necks? Animals that have scruffs include rabbits, dogs, and cats. Why do animals have scruffs? Animals have scruffs on their necks to allow their mothers to grab them with their mouths, lift them, and carry them, whether to safety or to home. However, once animals are full grown, they should not be lifted and carried by their scruffs because they are much heavier and doing so can cause physical pain and injury to them.

Ray: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
Trey: A bird that hogs the conversation.

An effective way to deal with predators is to smell bad (skunks) or taste terrible (Monarch butterflies). Other defenses include spikes or quills (porcupines), and scales (pangolins and reptiles). Predators are animals that hunt and eat other animals, as for example, humans are predators.

Sarah: A duck, a frog, and a skunk wanted to go to an amusement park. The admission was one dollar. Which one of the three could not afford to go?
Hannah: The skunk.
Sarah: Why?
Hannah: The duck had a bill and the frog had a greenback, but the skunk only had a scent.

“Lots of people talk to animals . . . Not very many listen, though . . . That’s the problem.” -Benjamin Hoff (born 1946): “The Tao Of Pooh” (1982); author website: https://www.benjaminhoffauthor.com/

Gigglepuss: What you get when you cross a hyena with a cat.

“Be a good animal, true to your animal instincts.” -D. H. Lawrence (David Herbert Lawrence (1885 - 1930))

This is MFOL! . . . there’s like, a bunch of animals in here, or something . . .

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Bears

9/3/2019

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A wise person once said, “Never pet a bear unless it is a rug.”

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear;
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair;
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy,
Was ’e?

by Author Unknown: as published in “Wisconsin’s Rapids Daily Tribune” (31 July 1942) newspaper
(Was ’e: Was he)

Bears are large, furry animals that inhabit many different environments, including forests, swamps, mountains, and grasslands. Bears are found in North America, Asia, Europe, and to a lesser extent, South America.

Bears Facts
- An adult male bear is called a boar.
- An adult female bear is called a sow.
- A young bear is called a cub.
- The plural of bear is bears.
- A group of bears is called a family, a sleuth, or a sloth.
- The sounds made by bears are called chomps, growls, grunts, huffs, moans, snorts, and woofs.
- Bears are found in the wild on every continent except Africa, where they are now extinct, and Australia, which they have never naturally inhabited.

Elijah: Why did the bear tiptoe through the campground?
Eleanor: Because he did not want to wake the sleeping bags.

Eight species of bears are now living on Earth.
- American black bears (Ursus americanus)
- Asiatic black bears (Ursus thibetanus)
- Brown bears (Ursus arctos, which includes the sub-species grizzly bears (Ursus arctos horribilis))
- Giant pandas (Ailuropoda melanoleuca)
- Polar bears (Ursus maritimus)
- Sloth bears (Melursus ursinus)
- Spectacled bears (Tremarctos ornatus)
- Sun bears (Helarctos malayanus)

There was an Old Person of Ware,
Who rode on the back of a bear;
When they ask’d, “Does it trot?”
He said, “Certainly not!
He’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!”
-Edward Lear (1812 -1888): “More Nonsense, Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, Etc.” (1872), limerick 43

So, how can you tell the difference between a brown bear and a grizzly bear? First, climb a tree. Next, observe which of the following occurs: 1. If the bear climbs the tree after you and eats you, it is a brown bear. 2. If the bear knocks down the tree and eats you, it is a grizzly bear.

Bears vary in size from 1.1 to 3 meters (3.5 to 10 feet) long and weigh from 25 to 770 kg (55 to 1,700 pounds). The largest bear is the Polar Bear, and the smallest bear is the Sun Bear (also known as the honey bear or the Malay bear).

Bear fur ranges in color from black to brown to blond to white.

The scientific name for the ‘grizzly bear’ is ‘Ursus arctos horribilis.’ Yes, you have guessed correctly - ‘horribilis’ is Latin for ‘horrible.’ Scientists have decided to label grizzlies as ‘horrible bears.’ Grrr-rrr!

Esther: What kind of bears like to go out in the rain?
Estella: Drizzly bears!

Bears belong to the order Carnivora, a group of animals that are regarded as being mainly carnivorous, or eaters of meat. However, most bears are omnivorous, or eaters of both meat and plants. Omnivorous bears like honey, but more often they will eat grass, leaves, fruits, berries, nuts, roots, bees and other insects, fish, birds, and mammals such as deer, elk, and slow joggers. Polar bears are the one exception: they are carnivorous, or eaters of meat only. So remember, if a bear eats you, it is not being cruel to you in particular; it is just doing what bears do.

Brenda: What did the bear say when she saw skateboarders?
Melinda: “Mmmm, meals on wheels!”

Despite sometimes being called ‘koala bears,’ koalas are not bears. One of the main differences between koalas and bears is that koalas, like kangaroos, opossums, and other marsupials, have pouches in which they carry their young, whereas bears do not. Koalas are also herbivores, or animals that eat plants, so koalas do not eat humans and other animals.

Do you like to go out in the woods to fish or pick berries? Bears do, too, though they do not use a rod and reel or a bucket - just their big sharp claws and big sharp teeth (the better to eat you with). Statistically, the odds are greater than zero that when you are out in the woods, there will be a bear somewhere nearby - maybe right behind you and approaching fast. Always keep your wits about you when in the out-of-doors, and take a friend to be your bear lookout while you fish or pick berries.

Grizzly Bear

If you ever, ever, ever
     meet a grizzly bear,
You must never, never, never
     ask him where
He is going,
     or what he is doing;
For if you ever, ever dare
     to stop a grizzly bear,
You will never
     meet another grizzly bear.

by Mary Austin

Campaigns to bear-proof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult because, as one wildlife biologist put it, “There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.”

In National Parks in the United States of America and in parks in other parts of the world, signs are posted that tell people not to feed the bears. Bears hunt and scavenge for food. They will eat any food they find, including food thrown in the garbage, pet food, and birdseed. Bears will also eat empty toothpaste tubes and containers such as pizza boxes that have the scent of food on them. If you travel through or live in bear country, do not place anything edible where it is accessible to bears. When bears find food, they will return again and again to the spot and may take up residence and stake out a territory around the area, becoming not just a nuisance, but a danger to people, pets, and livestock (farm animals), all of which bears regard as food and territorial trespassers.

Gary: What does every bear need?
Ryan: Just the ‘bear’ necessities!

Bear homes are called dens, and they can be cavities or recesses in rocks, hollow trees, caves, holes dug into the ground, or just nice comfortable spots in bushes or brush piles. Bears are also known to sleep or rest up in the branches of trees.

Laura: What do you call bears with no ears?
Nora: B.

When a bear stands up on its hind, or back, legs, it is trying to get a better view of a situation, or a bear’s eye view, and it may or may not intend to chomp on you. However, just to be safe, you should have a plan for what to do in case a bear does intend to maul (attack) you. Because laws and bears differ from place to place, your best source of information on what to do will likely be local people, including park rangers, law enforcement officers, experienced hunters, and long-time residents.

Giant panda bears can spend up to sixteen hours a day feeding themselves, on twenty to forty pounds of food each day. Unlike other bears that eat a lot of protein in the form of meat, a wild giant panda’s diet is about ninety-nine percent bamboo, with the remaining one percent consisting of other grasses and occasionally small rodents or musk deer fawns. In zoos, giant pandas eat bamboo, sugar cane, rice gruel, special high-fiber biscuits, carrots, apples, and sweet potatoes. Who’s hungry?

Furry Bear

If I were a bear
     And a big bear too,
I shouldn’t much care
     If it froze or snew;
I wouldn’t much mind
     If it snowed or friz-
I’d be all fur-lined
     With a coat like his!

by A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956))

Bears can sense food - which means you - from distances of up to 29 kilometers (18 miles) away.

What is a bear tree? A bear tree is any tree used as a rubbing and scratching post by a bear. Experienced outdoors people can identify bear trees and other signs of bear activity, which allows them to know when they are in a bear’s territory and then to hightail it out of there immediately!

Algy

Algy met a bear,
The bear met Algy.
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy.

by Author Unknown

Bears are solitary animals. Only mother bears and their cubs live together. Father bears do not help to raise the cubs. In fact, father bears do not even recognize their own offspring, and will treat them as they would any other trespassers on their territory.

Amos: Why do brown bears wear red-tinted contact lenses?
Moses: So they can hide in apple trees.

“When you see a bear wandering around in a town, remember that it is not the bear that is lost and confused; it is the town that is lost and confused, because the town, buildings and roads and people and all, has wandered into the middle of bear country.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Marcella: What do you get when you cross a bear with a kangaroo?
Annabella: A fur coat with pockets.

Bears are rapid runners, swift swimmers, and capable climbers. Bears can run up to 56 kilometers (35 miles) an hour for short distances, much faster than the average top speed of humans over short distances, which is slightly more than 32 kilometers (20 miles) an hour.

Sandy: Why do bears go barefoot?
Rocky: Because it is easier for them to sneak up on their food that way.

Two men were hiking in the woods. Suddenly, a bear started chasing them. They climbed a tree, but the bear started climbing up the tree after them. The first man took his sneakers out of his backpack and started putting them on. The second man said, “What are you doing?” The first man said, “I figure that when the bear gets too close, we will have to jump down and make a run for safety.” The second man said, “Are you crazy? You cannot outrun a bear!” The first man said, “I do not have to outrun the bear - I only have to outrun you!”

Bear cubs love to play, and playing teaches them bear survival skills, like how to climb trees, and how to hunt humans and other edible creatures.

Jason: What do you call a bear that has no teeth?
Jacob: A gummy bear!

Some types of bears spend all Winter long in a kind of sleep called ‘hibernation.’ They stay in their dens and do not eat or drink during this time. Other types of bears are not true hibernators, but do go into a deep sleep called torpor, from which they occasionally awaken to leave their dens and hunt for food. In either case, if you try to wake a bear, it will eat you, and then go back to sleep.

Bears have 42 teeth. You can verify this the next time you meet a bear by asking it to open its mouth so that you can look inside, and then the bear will eat you.

Bears Quiz
- What do bears eat?
- What is a bear’s home called?
- What are bears doing when they hibernate?
- What are some similarities between you and bears?
- What are some differences between you and bears?
- Do bears fly south for the Winter?

Do you agree that life without bears would be just un‘bear’able?

Blackie: What do you give to a blue bear?
Goldie: A trip to the circus to cheer her up!

Warning: Should you encounter a bear, do not try to tell it any of these jokes. Bears have no sense of humor, and to them, you look and smell and sound and move like food. Always remember, bears are big, powerful animals that want to eat you!

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Dinosaurs

8/28/2019

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Andrew: Why could the dinosaur not cross the road?
Andy: Because there were no roads back then.

Chance: How can you tell a dinosaur from spaghetti?
Chaucer: A dinosaur will not slip off your fork.

The word ‘dinosaur’ was coined in 1842 by biologist Richard Owen, who combined the Greek words ‘deinos’ meaning ‘terrible’ and ‘sauros’ meaning ‘lizard.’ Mr. Owen meant ‘terrible lizard’ in reference to the size of the creatures, rather than to any fearsomeness. While dinosaurs are not lizards, both dinosaurs and lizards are members of the group of animals known as reptiles, so dinosaurs are reptiles.

Millie: What do you get if you give a dinosaur a pogo stick to play with?
Millicent: Big holes all over your driveway.

Grant: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Hugh: Have you put an ad in the newspaper?
Grant: What good would that do - she can’t read!

Rusty: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
Russell: A stegosaurus on roller-skates.

Winston: Why are tall dinosaurs good at forecasting the weather?
Winifred: Because they are the first to know when it rains.

Some dinosaurs may have had colorful skin, but scientists do not know for sure. It is likely that most dinosaurs had green and brown scales to help them hide among trees and plants. Some dinosaurs had feathers, but were flightless.

Chuck: Why could the long-necked dinosaur not see where it was going?
Charles: Because it had its head in the clouds.

Teri: When does a big fearsome dinosaur look like a cute little clown?
Theresa: When it wears a cute little clown suit.

Dinosaurs Facts
- An adult male dinosaur is called a bull.
- An adult female dinosaur is called a cow.
- Young dinosaurs are called juveniles.
- A group of plant-eating dinosaurs is called a herd.
- A group of meat-eating dinosaurs is called a pack.
- Dinosaurs lived on all of the continents, including Antarctica.
- Dinosaurs lived to be about 75 to 300 years of age.

Buster: What do you call a dinosaur hitchhiker?
Mack: A ten-and-a-half-ton pickup.

Buddy: How do you run over a dinosaur?
Holly: Climb up its foreleg, dash along its back, and slide down its tail.

Some dinosaurs had tails that were more than 45 feet long. Long tails helped them to keep their balance while running.

Ellen: What do you have when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Allen: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Tammy: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?
Sammy: Say, “Tea, Rex?”

Dinosaurs often swallowed large rocks. These rocks stayed in their stomachs and helped them grind up food.

Molly: How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
Polly: With Tyrannosaurus checks.

Trudy: Do you know what the difference is between a piece of candy and a dinosaur bone?
Rudy: No.
Trudy: Good, then enjoy this dinosaur bone.

When some humans first found dinosaur bones, they guessed that the bones must be from dragons or giants, which is how the myths, or fanciful stories, associated with these two types of imaginary creatures began. Additionally, hoaxers and practical jokers would put together the bones from different animals and humans to make fantastical creatures that never existed. So, to create a giant, they would take the very long leg bones from a dinosaur and put them in place of the regular-length leg bones in a human skeleton, and add in some bones from other animals. Next, they would make up a story to go along with it, perhaps about an entire race of giants living in a faraway land across the sea, in some remote mountains, forests, or swamps. Then they would put up a sign offering to allow people to see the ‘giant skeleton’ and regale them with made-up stories about it, for a modest sum of money. The more bones they could dig up from different animals, the better, because they could put them together in all sorts of ways to create all kinds of creatures that do not exist in nature, as for example, flying monkeys or mermaids. However, unlike pretend, mythical, or hoax animals, dinosaurs were once real, living creatures.

Rachael: How long should a dinosaur’s legs be?
Michael: Long enough to reach the ground.

George: What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a skunk?
Martha: The biggest stinker you ever saw.

Just as birds and reptiles do now, dinosaurs laid eggs from which baby dinosaurs hatched. Some dinosaurs built nests for their eggs and even fed and protected their babies when they hatched. The largest dinosaur eggs were as large as basketballs. However, the bigger the egg, the thicker the shell, so that if the eggs had been any larger, dinosaur babies possibly would not have been able to break out of the shells.

Priscilla: What kind of materials do dinosaurs put on the floors of their houses?
Della: Rep tiles.

Megan: How can you tell if a dinosaur is an herbivore or a carnivore?
Melvin: Lie down on a plate.

Most meat-eating dinosaurs had bones filled with air. Though their bones were huge, they were not as heavy as they looked. Birds have the same kind of hollow bones.

Matthew: What would you get if you crossed a hungry dinosaur and a herd of 100 cattle?
Matilda: A dinosaur that is no longer hungry.

While dinosaurs are often thought of as having been huge beasts, many dinosaurs were smaller than modern humans. Scientists believe that larger dinosaurs, with their larger bones, were more likely to be preserved as fossils, while smaller dinosaurs, with their smaller bones, were more likely to be destroyed through natural processes, such as being washed away by rain, broken up and dissolved into the surrounding soil, or carried away and broken into pieces by animals that like to chew on bones.

Angie: Which dinosaur had the biggest vocabulary?
Angelica: Was it the thesaurus?

Dinosaurs lived during a period of Earth’s history called the Mesozoic Era, meaning ‘middle life’ and also referred to as the ‘Age of the Dinosaurs,’ which stretched from the Triassic period 230 million years ago, through the Jurassic period, and up until the end of the Cretaceous period about 65 million years ago, when a mass extinction occurred. Dinosaurs existed for about 165 million years. By comparison, humans have been around for only 2 million years, and modern humans just 130,000 years.

Overheard: When I grow up, I want to be a dinosaur!

Vera: Name the three time periods of the dinosaurs.
Ollie: Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous.

Bob: How did you break your foot?
Fred: Did you see the Stegosaurus walk past?
Bob: Yes.
Fred: Well . . . I did not!

The largest dinosaurs, such as the Brachiosaurus and Apatosaurus and Triceratops, were herbivores, or animals that eat plants. Plant-eating dinosaurs had eyes looking out to each side of their heads, so they could watch for danger while they ate. To help them fight off carnivores including the Allosaurus and the Spinosaurus and the Tyrannosaurus Rex, many herbivores had natural defenses, such as the spikes on the tail of the Stegosaurus and the three horns attached to the front of the Triceratops’s bony-plate head shield.

Dinah: What kind of dinosaur lives in your cell phone?
Dino: A tyrannosaurus text.

Herbivorous dinosaurs tended to have blunt, meaning not sharp, hooves or toenails. Most plant eaters walked on four feet to carry their heavy bodies better. Some plant eaters could balance on their two back feet for a short time, enabling them to reach the tender shoots of the new growth at the tops of tall plants.

Merry: Where do dinosaurs put bandages?
Mary: On their Dino-sores.

Meat-eating, or carnivorous, dinosaurs are known as theropods, which means ‘beast-footed,’ because they had sharp, hooked claws on their toes. Most meat eaters walked on two feet. This made them faster and left their ‘hands’ free to grab their prey.

Chester: Why did carnivorous dinosaurs eat raw meat and herbivorous dinosaurs eat raw plants?
Lester: Because they did not know how to cook.

Leonard: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a lemon?
Lenny: A dino-sour. (If your answer was a sour-saurus, that would also be correct).

Tyrannosaurus Rexes (Kings of the Dinosaurs) lived about sixty-five million years ago in what is now western North America. T-Rexes were the largest carnivores (meat-eaters) in their habitat, often measuring 13 meters (43 feet) in length and 4 meters (13 feet) in height. The biggest Rex tooth found is about 30 centimeters (12 inches) long. Yet Tyrannosaurus Rexes had more than 98 percent of their DNA in common with modern barnyard chickens, so even with their reputation for being fierce predators, they were really just big chickens.

Chet: What do you call one hundred dancing dinosaurs?
Chip: An earthquake?

Plant-eating dinosaurs often lived together for protection, as herding animals today do. The herds ranged from just a few adults and their young to thousands of animals.

Christopher: What is in the middle of a herd of dinosaurs?
Christine: The letter ‘s.’

Cal: What do you get if you tell a joke about a 26-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Big laughs?
Cal: Right! What do you get if you tell a joke about a 78-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Bigger laughs?
Cal: Right! And what do you get if you tell a joke about a 248-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Even bigger laughs?
Cal: Nope! They don’t come in that size.

Tim: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
Mat: Because they would not take baths!

Evidence suggests that a massive meteorite (space rock) hit the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico 65 million years ago. The resulting crater was 180 kilometers (112 miles) wide and was caused by an object 9.7 kilometers (6 miles) in diameter. It would have hit Earth’s crust with immense force, sending shockwaves around the world. Large amounts of debris would have been sent flying up into the air, which would have blocked out sunlight and significantly changed the Earth’s temperature and atmosphere. Earth tremors caused by the impact would have displaced large amount of water, causing widespread flooding. All large land animals that were out in the open would have died, including dinosaurs on land and large sea creatures swimming just beneath the water’s surface. Only small animals that could take shelter in burrows in the ground, caves, rock crevices, and deep underwater, would have lived. Some birds, crocodiles, fishes, insects, lizards, snakes, spiders, and turtles would have survived. They would have been witness to perhaps the most horrific event in the history of life on Earth.

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Great Big Dinosaurs

Great big dinosaurs
     Lived long ago.
They roamed the Earth in search of food,
     But now they’re gone, you know.

Great big dinosaurs,
     Some could even fly.
But there are no dinosaurs,
     I often wonder why.

by Angela Wolfe

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Victoria: Why was the dinosaur afraid to go back to the library?
Vicky: Her books were sixty million years overdue.

Brontosaurus

The giant brontosaurus
     Was a prehistoric chap
With four fat feet to stand on
     And a very skimpy lap.

The scientists assure us
     Of a most amazing thing -
A brontosaurus blossomed
     When he had a chance to sing!

(The bigger brontosauruses,
     Who like to sing in choruses,
Would close their eyes and harmonize
     And sing most anything.)

The growled and they yowled,
     They deedled and they dummed;
They warbled and they whistled,
     They howled and they hummed.

They didn’t eat, they didn’t sleep;
     They sang and sang all day.
Now all you’ll find are footprints
     Where they tapped the time away!

by Gail Kredenser (Gail Kredenser Mack)

Harrold: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
Harry: A Try-try-try-ceratops!

Rick: What do you say when you want your dinosaur to move faster?
Richard: “Pronto, saurus!”

Can humans outrun dinosaurs? Humans have a top average speed over short distances of just slightly more than 32 kilometers (20 miles) an hour. The fastest dinosaur, the Ornithomimus, is estimated to have been able to run up to 64 kilometers (40 miles) an hour. However, the big cats called cheetahs are the fasted known animals ever to exist on Earth, capable of accelerating from 0 to 70 kilometers (0 to 43.5 miles) an hour in 3 seconds. If you ever see a human professional athlete, an average dinosaur, and a typical cheetah on a racetrack running a race, both the dinosaur and the cheetah might look back at the human and holler, “Try to keep up, slow-poke!”

Jake: What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks?
Jacob: A dino-bore!

Eric: If three dinosaurs are a crowd, what are four and five?
Erica: Nine.

Despite being long extinct, dinosaurs are frequently featured in entertainment. One example of this is Michael Crichton’s 1990 book “Jurassic Park.” Made into a movie in 1993, the story features cloned dinosaurs brought to life with the help of DNA (genetic material) found in mosquitoes that had been trapped in amber.

Jessie: Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
Jessica: Tricera-cops!

Patrick: What did the Tyrannosaurus Rex do after lifting weights at the gym?
Patricia: I am sure it rested because it was probably very dino-sore!

Many scientists believe that dinosaurs are extinct, meaning that no living dinosaurs exist today. However, some scientists believe that birds are descended from theropod dinosaurs, and therefore, dinosaurs are not really extinct. As an unknown author said, “Dinosaurs aren’t extinct. They’ve just learned to hide in the trees.” Just maybe . . . birds could be . . . dinosaurs.

Herman: What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
Sherman: Ten dinosaurs!

Thud, thud, thud, thud . . . do you hear those huge dinosaurs coming this way? They will be expecting us to tell them some jokes - do you know any? If not, just continue reading . . .

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Mice

8/19/2019

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Peek-a-boo-mouse, we see you!

Elijah: What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Eliza: Hide and Squeak.

Hickory, dickory, dock,
     Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one . . . they called 911,
     And the other two escaped with minor injuries.
-Author Unknown

Mice Facts
- An adult male mouse is called a buck.
- An adult female mouse is called a doe.
- A young mouse is called a pinkie, a kitten, or a pup.
- The plural of mouse is mice.
- A group of mice is called a colony, a horde, a mischief, or a nest.
- The sounds made by mice are called squeaking and squealing.
- Mice in the wild typically live for anywhere from 2 months to 1 year.
- Mice in captivity can live for up to 2 and half years, but usually just 1 or 2 years.
- Mice belong to the group of animals called rodents, which also includes rats and raccoons.

Lottie: What does a mouse pilot say?
Otto: “This is your captain squeaking.”

Mice are small rodents found worldwide in many types of environments, or habitats. Varieties of mice by habitat include the house mouse, the wood or forest mouse, and the Mickey Mouse, which lives in animated cartoons. These are types of mice known by their habitats, and are not species-specific, but can be any of many different species of mice living within a specific habitat.

Maxine: What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or walk?
Francine: A computer mouse.

Mice have pointed snouts, large round hairless ears, black eyes, long facial whiskers, short legs, clawed feet, sharp teeth, and long thin nearly hairless tails. Mouse fur is short, and is often brown, gray, or white in color.

Charlene: What did the elephant say when the mouse stepped on his toe?
Charla: “Pick on somebody your own size!”

Pamela: What is the difference between a mouse and a moose?
Amelia: About a ton.

“You are definitely the puniest, most insignificant thing I have ever laid eyes on,” said the elephant to the mouse. “Let me write that down,” the mouse replied. “There is a flea I want to tell it to.”

Mice range in size from 8 to 35 centimeters (3 to 14 inches) long, including the length of their tails. Their tails can grow to be as long as their bodies. Mice can weigh from 7 to 57 grams (0.25 to 2 ounces).

Bernice: What’s brown, has four legs, and weighs two pounds?
Bernard: A fat mouse.

“If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk.” -Laura Joffe Numeroff: “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” (1985)

House mice are believed to have originated long ago in Asia before making their way to Europe and then the rest of the world, accompanying human migration. The house mouse is a wild variety of mouse that often lives in fields and buildings near humans. They are especially fond of farms and food warehouses because they eat the grains and other crops that humans grow and store. A domesticated variety of the house mouse is commonly kept as a pet.

Meredith: How do you get a mouse to smile?
Merry: Say, “Cheese!”

Overheard: Are you a man or a mouse - squeak up!

If you are just barely squeaking by in life, chances are you might be a mouse.

The animals called ‘field mice’ are actually not mice at all, but voles, a related member of the rodent family that resemble mice.

Moo Shoe

There once was a young mouse named Moo,
Who moved to a beat up old shoe.
     “It’s cozy and warm,”
     She said with some charm,
“And there is a nice lace to chew.”

by Author Unknown

Rochelle: Two mice were out walking, and one mouse fell into a river. What did the other mouse do?
Rachael: It applied mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

As is the case with all rodents, mice’s teeth grow continuously throughout their lives. They must gnaw on tough material to keep their teeth worn down to a usable length. Mice will chew on wood, plastic, the insulation of electrical wires, and the hulls (shells) of seeds and nuts.

Just like birds, mice build nests for their young. Mice chew up grass, leaves, wood, paper, bark, cloth, plastic, and anything else they can get their teeth into, into little bits that they put together into a cozy little nest. Most mice build nests in protected nooks and crannies, but some burrow into the ground. When burrowing underground, mice build very complex homes with long entrances and many escape routes. They are very clean and tidy rodents, with burrows often having separate areas for storing food, sleeping, and other needs. They also build nests above ground in trees and in other plants. Mice have not yet figured out how to build nests in the clouds.

Vincent: Why did the mouse hire a maid?
Millicent: She wanted her house to be squeaky-clean.

“Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is, which never entrusts his life to one hole only.” -Titus Maccius Plautus: “Truculentus,” act iv, scene 4

The mouse that always trusts to one poor hole
Can never be a mouse of any soul.
-Alexander Pope: “Paraphrase of the Prologue,” line 298

“The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.” -Author Unknown

Mice eat 15 to 20 times a day, so they usually build their homes close to food sources, and often travel no more than about 8 meters (26.25 feet) from their burrows in search of food.

Franklin: Where do mice park their boats?
Lynette: At the hickory dickory dock.

Mice are omnivores, or animals that eat almost everything. They eat grain, seeds, grasses, fruits, roots, stems, worms, insects such as grasshoppers, and arachnids such as spiders and scorpions.

Henry: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Hermes: Squeaky clean!

Mouse in a Hole

A little mouse hid in a hole
Hid softly in a little hole
     When all was quiet -
     As quiet as could be
Out popped he!

by Author Unknown

Many mice are nocturnal animals, meaning they are most active at night. They have poor eyesight but make up for it with their very good hearing, sense of smell, and whiskers. Mice use their whiskers to sense changes in temperature, measure the sizes of openings, and feel the surfaces they walk on. Mice are timid, social, and territorial. All mice can scurry along on the ground, but some can hop or jump.

Myrna: What should you do if you wake up in the middle of the night and hear a mouse squeaking?
Marilyn: Oil it.

A Mouse Under the Bed

There was a strange lady who said,
When she found a mouse under her bed,
     “So near to the door,
     And so close to the floor,
I’m afraid you’ll catch cold in the head!”

by Author Unknown

Biff: How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?
Buffy: C-a-t.

Shirley: What kind of shoes do mice wear?
Cheryl: Squeakers!

Most mice are very good jumpers. They can jump up to about 46 centimeters (18 inches) in the air. They also are capable climbers and splendid swimmers.

Mice

I think mice
     Are rather nice.

Their tails are long,
     Their faces small,
They haven’t any
     Chins at all.
Their ears are pink,
     Their teeth are white
They run about
     The house at night.
The nibble things
     They shouldn’t touch
And no one seems
     To like them much.

But I think mice
     Are nice.

by Rose Fyleman

Mice can feel temperature changes and alterations in ground terrain through their whiskers. What does this mean? Go ask your father. He’s supposed to know all about that ‘science’ stuff.

The Little Mouse

I have seen you, little mouse,
     Running all about the house,
Through the hole your little eye,
     In the wainscot peeping sly,
Hoping soon some crumbs to steal,
     To make quite a hearty meal.
Look before you venture out,
     See if kitty is about.
If she’s gone, you’ll quickly run,
     To the larder for some fun;
Round about the dishes creep,
     Taking into each a peep,
To choose the daintiest that’s there,
     Spoiling things you do not care.

by Author Unknown

Only the most foolish of mice would hide in a cat’s ear.
But only the wisest of cats would think to look there.
-Scott Love

The predators of mice, meaning animals that hunt, kill, and eat them, include cats, coyotes, foxes, hawks and other birds of prey, humans, owls, raccoons, skunks, snakes, weasels, and wild dogs.

Eli: How did the mouse get away from the owl?
Jed: He squeaked by.

“‘My darling,’ she said at last, ‘are you sure you don’t mind being a mouse for the rest of your life?’ ‘I don’t mind at all,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like as long as somebody loves you.’” -Roald Dahl: “The Witches” (1983)

Freda: How do you spell mouse?
Frederick: M-o-u-s-e.
Freda: Do you know what is on the end?
Frederick: The letter ‘e.’
Freda: No, a tail!

Hickory, Dickory, Dock

Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one, the mouse ran down.
Hickory, dickory dock.
Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck two, the mouse said, “Boo!”
Hickory, dickory dock.
Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck three, the mouse said, “Wee!”
Hickory, dickory dock.
Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck four, the mouse said, “No more!”
Hickory, dickory dock.

by Author Unknown

Mice need the same things you do: food, shelter, and a place to sleep - and they can find all of these things in your house, unless you take measures to deny these things to mice.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock

Three mice ran up the clock -
     The clock struck one,
          But the other two got a way!

by Author Unknown

While communicating with each other, mice make ultrasonic as well as regular sounds. It is almost as if mice have their own secret code when they communicate in the ultrasonic range of sound, which humans cannot hear. What could they be saying?

John: What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Jonathan: Mouse code.

City Mouse: I just got back from the Moon!
Country Mouse: Tell me, what is the Moon like?
City Mouse: The Moon is a great big ball of cheese!
Country Mouse: Why did you come back to Earth?
City Mouse: To get some crackers!

Do You Have What It Takes to Be a Mouse?
If you would like to be a mouse, you will need the following skills:
- Exceptional at scurrying.
- Fearless in climbing.
- Good at gnawing.
- Highly adept at hopping and jumping.
- Experienced at burrowing and nest-building.
- Quieter than a whisper.

Oh, what joy, to be a mouse! More fun follows just below . . .

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I Am Home

8/13/2019

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I Am Home

“I am home,” said the turtle, as it pulled in its head
And its feet, and its tail. “I am home, and in bed.”

“No matter what inches and inches I roam,
When the long day is done, I am always at home.

“I may go whole feet . . . even yards . . . in a day,
But I never get lost, for I’m never away

“From my snug little house and my snug little bed.
Try being a turtle! - That’s using your head!

“You can go on forever, no matter how far,
And whatever you need is wherever you are!”

(“Is there one thing I miss when I’m snuggled in tight?
Yes: there’s no room for someone to kiss me good night.”)

by John Ciardi

John Anthony Ciardi was born on 24 June 1916 in Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America. He became a teacher, a poet, a translator, and an etymologist. While primarily known as a poet, he also translated “Dante’s Divine Comedy,” wrote several volumes of children’s poetry, pursued etymology, contributed to the “Saturday Review” as a columnist and long-time poetry editor, and directed the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference in Vermont. In 1959, Mr. Ciardi published a book on how to read, write, and teach poetry, titled “How Does a Poem Mean?” which has proven to be among the most-used books of its kind. At the peak of his popularity in the early 1960s, Mr. Ciardi also had a network television program on CBS, called “Accent.” John Anthony Ciardi passed on at 69 years of age on 30 March 1986 in Metuchen, New Jersey, United States of America.

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Zoos and Wild Animal Parks

8/12/2019

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We say, “Life is a zoo!” Do you think so, too? Shown is the ‘Big Cat Crossing’ at the Philadelphia Zoo in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America. It opened in 1876 as the very first zoo in the nation, and still attracts great numbers of curiosity seekers and wild animal enthusiasts. Website: http://www.PhiladelphiaZoo.org.

Harold: What is the most up-to-date animal at the zoo?
Harry: The gnu, of course!

First Monkey: What has an elephant’s trunk, a giraffe’s neck, an ostrich’s beak, and a lion’s head?
Second Monkey: A zoo!

Sign in a safari park: Visitors Who Throw Litter Into The Crocodile Pit Will Be Asked To Retrieve It.

“Look at that one - the one staring at us through the bars. Doesn’t he look intelligent?” “Yes. There’s something uncanny about it.” “He looks as if he understood every word we’re saying.” “Walks on his hind legs, too, and swings his arms.” “There! He’s got a peanut. Let’s see what he does with it.” “Well, what do you know about that! He knows enough to take off the shell before he eats it, like we do.” “That’s a female alongside of him. Listen to her chatter at him. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to her, though.” “She must be his mate.” “The look kind of sad, don’t they?” “Yes. I guess they wish they were in here with us monkeys.”

Emu

At the zoo I remarked to an emu
“I cannot pretend I esteem you.
     You’re a greedy old bird,
     And your walk is absurd,
But your curious feathers redeem you.”

by Author Unknown

“The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.” -Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot high fence was put up . . . and again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

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The Zoo

At the zoo we saw a bear
     He had long, dark fuzzy hair
We saw a lion in a cage.
     He was in an awful rage.

We saw the big, long-necked giraffe,
     And the silly monkeys made us laugh
But my favorite animal at the zoo
     Is the elephant - how about you?

by Author Unknown

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Zoo: A place where animals can safely study the behavior of humans.

“Rarely does it occur to people that the purpose of the bars, moats, and walls at zoos is to protect the animals from humans.” -Bergen Evans (Bergen Baldwin Evans (1904 - 1978)) (paraphrased)

Sign posted outside a zoo: Hunting Strictly Prohibited.

Go away, goat . . . I’m trying to take a hippopotanap . . . zzz-zzz-zzz-zzz.

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The Spangled Pandemonium

The spangled pandemonium
     Is missing from the zoo.
He bent the bars the barest bit,
     And slithered glibly through.

He crawled across the moated wall,
     He climbed the mango tree,
And when the keeper scrambled up,
     He nipped him in the knee.

To all of you, a warning
     Not to wander after dark,
Or if you must, make very sure
     You stay out of the park.

For the spangled pandemonium
     Is missing from the zoo,
And since he nipped his keeper,
     He would just as soon nip you!

by Palmer Brown

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The zoo in Tokyo, Japan closes for two months of each year so that the animals can have a holiday from visitors.

A man needed a job. He heard that they were looking for help at the zoo, so he went there and applied for a job. On his first day at work, his boss handed a gorilla suit to him and said, “The gorilla is out sick today, so we’ll need you to fill in for him.” The fellow thought this was odd, but he really badly needed the job, so he said, “Sure,” put the gorilla suit on, went into the cage, and proceeded to monkey around. After a while, he got the hang of things and found it enjoyable, but while swinging on a tire, he lost his grip, went flying through the bars, and landed in the lion’s cage. He took one look at the huge fierce lion and thought to himself that the job was not all that important compared to his life, so he started yelling, “Help me, help me!” to the zoo visitors. Hearing his cries, the lion trotted over to him. Terrified, the man in the gorilla suit covered his face with his arms, when, startled, he heard the man in the lion suit whisper insistently, “Be quiet, or you will get us both fired!”

Dave: It is feeding time at the zoo.
Jim: Better hurry or you will be late for dinner!

Sign seen in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

The San Diego Zoo in California, United States of America has the largest collection of animals in the world. You can watch live streaming video of elephants, penguins, koalas, tigers, pandas, apes, and polar bears on their website at www.Zoo.SanDiego.org.

Zoos and Wild Animal Parks Quiz
- What animals can be commonly found at zoos?
- What animals can be commonly found at wild animal parks?
- Do zoos have human exhibits along with the bear and tiger exhibits?
- What is a petting zoo?
- Why do zoos not have live dinosaurs?
- What is the proper way to behave toward zoo animals?

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The Zoo is Lots of Fun

One, one,
     The zoo is lots of fun.
Two, two,
     See a kangaroo.
Three, three,
     See a chimpanzee.
Four, four,
     Hear the lions roar.
Five, five,
     Watch the seals dive.
Six, six,
     There’s a monkey doing tricks.
Seven, seven,
     Elephants eleven.
Eight, eight,
     A tiger and his mate.
Nine, nine,
     Penguins in a line.
Ten, ten,
     I want to come again.

by Author Unknown

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Ken: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face-to-face with a tiger?
Dave: No - what happened?
Ken: I just stood there. The tiger crept closer . . . and closer . . .
Dave: Well, what did you do?
Ken: I just moved on to the next cage.

Listen . . . caw-caw! . . . haa-haa! . . . chatter-chatter! . . . whoo-whoo! . . . do you hear the zoo calling to you? Perhaps it is time for a visit . . . hope to see you there! Chirrup-chirrup! Eee-ahh! We’re like a bunch of wild animals here . . . at MFOL!

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My Puppy

8/11/2019

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My Puppy

It’s funny,
     my puppy
          knows just how I feel.

When I’m happy,
     he’s yappy
          and squirms like an eel.

When I’m grumpy,
     he’s slumpy
          and stays by my heel.

It’s funny,
     my puppy
          knows such a great deal.

by Aileen Fisher

Aileen Lucia Fisher was born on 9 September 1906 in Iron River, Michigan, United States of America. She became a writer of poetry, children’s books, biographies, plays, and magazine articles. Aileen Lucia Fisher passed on at 96 years of age on 2 December 2002 in Boulder, Colorado, United States of America.

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Chickens

7/29/2019

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The morning wakeup call heard on farms is male chickens, or roosters, crowing, “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” The female chicken is called a hen and she says, “Cluck, cluck, cluck!” The young chickens are called chicks and they say, “Cheep, cheep, cheep!”

Josephine: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a duck?
Josie: A bird that wakes you at the ‘quack’ of dawn.

The chicken is the most common species of bird on Earth. There are presently about two chickens for every one human in the world.

Maggie: What has feathers and writes?
Magdalene: A ballpoint hen.

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The Chicken Family

Down in the barnyard, early in the morning,
     See the chicken family all in a row.
The mommy chicken, she is called a hen.
     Cluck, cluck, cluck, and off she goes.

Down in the barnyard, early in the morning,
     See the chicken family all in a row.
See the daddy chicken, he is called a rooster.
     Cock-a-doodle-doo and off he goes.

Down in the barnyard, early in the morning,
     See the chicken family all in a row.
See the baby chickens, they are called chicks.
     Cheep, cheep, cheep, and off they go.

by Author Unknown

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Rose: Why do roosters never get rich?
Pearl: Because they work for chicken feed.

Chickens Facts
- An adult male chicken is called a rooster or a cock.
- The sound made by a rooster is called crowing.
- An adult female chicken is called a hen.
- A young chicken, either male or female, is called a chick.
- A young male chicken is called a cockerel.
- A young female chicken is called a pullet.
- A group of chickens is called a flock.
- A group of chicks all hatched in the same setting by one hen is called a brood.
- The sound made by chicks is called cheeping.
- The sounds made by chickens are called clucking and cackling.

Marvin: What signs would you find on the ‘In’ and ‘Out’ boxes on the desk of a poultry farmer?
Melvin: ‘Cock-A-Doodle-Do’ and ‘Cock-A-Doodle-Done.’

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The Poultries

Let’s think of eggs.
     They have no legs.
Chickens come from eggs,
     But they have no legs.

The plot thickens;
     Eggs come from chickens,
But have no legs under ’em.
     What a conundrum!

by Ogden Nash

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Marvin: How do you stop a rooster from crowing early in the morning?
Irving: Eat him the night before.

Does a baby chicken, called a chick, breathe inside the egg, and if so, how? An eggshell may look solid, but it actually has about 8,000 pores that are large enough for oxygen to flow in and carbon dioxide to flow out. This was proven in 1863 when John Davy of Edinburgh, Scotland pumped pressurized air into an underwater egg and watched as thousands of tiny air bubbles appeared. The head of a chicken develops at the large end of the egg. About three days before hatching, the baby chick punctures the air cell at the base of the egg with its sharp egg tooth (a tiny, horn-shaped point on top of its beak) and breathes its first gulp of air, while still inside the egg. As soon as it can breathe, it can peep. Peeping and tapping can be heard from inside the egg as the chick chips a hole in the egg to make its way into the outside world.

Grace: What animals go, “Buzz-cluck, buzz-cluck”?
George: Electric chickens!

The Rooster

The farm is in a flurry.
     The rooster caught the flu.
His cock-a-doodle-doo
     Has changed to cock-a doodle-choo!

by Author Unknown

Eunice: What type of jokes do chickens like best?
Eustice: Corny ones!

A typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year. If 12 eggs are in a dozen, how many eggs does a typical hen lay in a year?

Patrice: How does a chicken put together a meal?
Richard: It starts from scratch.

City Slicker: I would like to buy a chicken.
Farmer: Want a pullet?
City Slicker: Not really - I would rather carry it.

A hen produces one egg about every 34 hours. If you have a family of six and you want two eggs, bacon, hash-brown potatoes, and buttered toast with jam for breakfast every morning for each of you, how many hens would you need in your flock?

Alice: Why was the chicken sent to the principal’s office?
Alvin: For pecking on the other students.

Chickens can fly better than emus, kiwis, ostriches, and penguins combined. Yet, chickens cannot fly as well as most other species of birds because they have a heavy body weight in proportion to their wingspans. The world record for a nonstop chicken flight is a little more than 210 meters (690 feet) accomplished in 13 seconds. Chicken keepers sometimes clip the wing feathers of chickens to prevent them from flying over fences, which the chickens probably attempt to do because it is in their nature to try to get out to go cross the road . . .

Russell: Who tells the best chicken jokes?
Randall: Comedihens!

Three Hens

When three hens go a-walking, they
     Observe this order and array:
The first hen walks in front, and then
     Behind her walks the second hen,
While, move they slow or move they fast,
     You find the third hen walking last.

by Henry Johnstone

Lucky: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
Chance: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Before running out and getting chickens, first find out about local ordinances, or laws, which may stipulate if you can keep chickens or not, how many you can have, and any other restrictions. You may be able to keep chickens only if you heed certain rules; for example, you may not be able to have crowing roosters and cackling hens if there are noise ordinances, and you will want to learn how to keep chickens from being too loud before getting any of them. You may be able to give chickens the run of your property (free-range chickens) or you may be required to keep them in enclosures (coops and pens and runs).

Garth: Why do people go to chicken shows?
Jethro: For the hentertainment.

Classified advertisement seen in a rural newspaper: Will trade a rooster that crows at 4 o’clock for one that crows at 5 o’clock.

Gregory: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
Olaf: An eggstraterrestrial!

Chickens are the closest living relatives of the now-extinct yet still terrifying carnivorous Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaur.

Donald: What was the hen doing at the bank?
Ronald: Opening a chicken account.

As omnivores, or animals that eat plants and animals, chickens have a varied diet. They will eat just about anything, including beetles, worms, corn, oats, snails, slugs, seeds, fruit, vegetables, acorns, kitchen scraps, and many other foods. They also swallow tiny stones to help them digest their food. They have a well-developed gizzard, which is a part of the stomach containing the tiny stones that grind up their food.

Marla: Where do tough chickens come from?
Darla: Hard-boiled eggs.

Henny: What sound does a chicken crossed with a cow make?
Penny: “Cock-a-doodle-moo-ooo!”

“I have noticed that when chickens quit quarrelling over their food, they often find that there is enough for all of them. I wonder if it might not be the same way with the human race.” -Don Marquis

Trevor: What animal makes the sound, “Cluck-bubble, cluck-bubble!”?
Veronica: A chicken of the sea.

‘Alektorophobia’ is a persistent fear of chickens. Chickens are small creatures, yet they can unleash a great amount of fierceness on anyone whom they suspect may be a threat to themselves, their young, or their eggs. Roosters have sharp pointed spurs on their legs designed specifically to inflict injury, and both hens and roosters come equipped with sharp beaks. This phobia makes good sense!

Annette: What book tells you all about chickens?
Nettie: A hencyclopedia.

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The Hen

The hen is a ferocious fowl,
     She pecks you till she makes you howl.

And all the time she flaps her wings,
     And says the most insulting things.

And when you try to take her eggs,
     She bites pieces from your legs.

The only safe way to get these,
     Is to creep on your hands and knees.

In the meanwhile a friend must hide,
     And jump out on the other side.

And then you snatch the eggs and run,
     While she pursues the other one.

The difficulty is to find
     A trusty friend who will not mind.

by Alfred Douglas

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Percival: How does the little red hen bake a cake?
Henrietta: From scratch!

Chickens need a coop (chicken house) in which to lay their eggs in nest boxes and in which to roost (sleep) on narrow wood boards placed horizontally above the floor. A coop should keep them warm in the winter and shaded in the summer, and keep them safe from predators. Adjacent to the coop should be an open fenced-in area (pen or run) in which the chickens can be watered and fed during warm weather and in which they can get exercise and exposure to sunlight.

Gwyneth: What did the mother hen say to her baby chick?
Gwendolyn: “You’re eggstra special!”

Chickens are versatile animals: they can be general-purpose chickens, egg producers (layers), dinner (fryers), insect controllers, pets, feather filling for pillows and mattresses, mother chickens (setting hens), show chickens (competition), and even alarm clock roosters. Which kind do you want?

Lillian: Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
Starlet: Because it was chicken.

Chickens have many predators, or animals that want to eat them or their eggs. Predators of chickens include skunks, owls, raccoons, foxes, hawks, opossums, bobcats, snakes, weasels, dogs, and humans. For this reason, chickens often need coops and pens for protection.

Lucy: Where are you likely to find the chicken in a grocery store?
Lucille: Standing in the eggspress line.

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The Chickens

Said the first little chicken,
     With a queer little squirm,
“I wish I could find
     A fat little worm!”

Said the next little chicken,
     With an odd little shrug,
“I wish I could find
     A fat little bug!”

Said the third little chicken,
     With a small sigh of grief:
“I wish I could find
     A green little leaf!”

Said the fourth little chicken,
     With a faint little moan:
“I wish I could find
     A wee gravel stone!”

“Now see here!” said the mother,
     From the green garden patch,
“If you want any breakfast,
     Just come here and scratch!”

by Author Unknown

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Patricia: If a rooster laid an egg at noon on the pointed roof of a barn located precisely on the Earth’s equator, which way would the egg roll?
Priscilla: Neither way, because roosters do not lay eggs - hens do, you silly goose!

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? According to “The Bible” (New King James Version), ‘Book of Genesis,’ chapter 1, verses 20 through 22, the chicken came before the egg: “Then God said, ‘Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens.’ So God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves, with which the waters abounded, according to their kind, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.’”

Percy: What kind of eggs does a mixed-up hen lay?
Percival: Scrambled!

Chicken feed: A poultry sum.

If you want to know more about chickens, may we suggest that you become a member of www.BackyardChickens.com. Be sure to mention that you learned about them from www.MakeFunOfLife.net. Time to gather the eggs . . . cluck-cluck-cluck!

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Cattle

7/22/2019

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Chocolate Milk Cow

There once was a spotted brown cow
Who lives in the pasture now;
     She makes chocolate milk,
     As smooth as silk,
And I don’t know exactly how.

by Author Unknown

Gabe: What has four legs and goes, “Oom, oom”?
Abe: A cow walking backwards.

Cattle Facts
- Adult male cattle are called bulls.
- The sound made by bulls is called bellowing.
- Adult female cattle are called cows.
- The sound made by cows is called mooing.
- Young cattle are called calves.
- The sound made by calves is called bleating.
- A group of cattle is called a herd.
- Cattle are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Cattle can live for up to 25 years.
- Cattle live on every continent except Antarctica.

Scott: What newspaper do cows read?
Todd: The Daily Moos.

Alvin: Why did the cow pack her bags?
Albert: I don’t know - why?
Alvin: Because she was moo-ving!

Cattle were domesticated, or tamed from wild animals, thousands of years ago. Some wild cattle, such as the gaur and banteng, can still be found in Asia.

Mabelle: What do you say to a cow that crosses the road in front of your car?
Ellie: Moo-ve over.

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back in fright, and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. “Was it a large red cow with a white spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer. “Yes, yes!” the man replied. “Oh. I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She doesn’t know anything about cars.”

Cattle trained to be draft animals, or work animals, are called oxen. They possess incredible all-day brute strength, beyond even what most horses and mules have. They have been used in times past for pulling wagonloads of heavy building materials over rough, uneven land. They were also used to pull plows in newly cleared still-rocky farm fields. They walked in circles attached to wheels for such purposes as grinding grain into flour and for powering machines where watermills and waterwheels were not available. Yoked together in pairs for such work, they are called oxen teams. Although still occasionally seen doing such work in undeveloped parts of the world, these beasts of burden have been largely replaced by internal combustions engine and electric motors.

A Basket of Cow

There once was a girl who said, “How
Shall I manage to carry my cow?
     Every time that I ask it
     To get in my basket,
It makes such a terrible row.”

by Author Unknown

Lucy: What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
Lucinda: Milk and quackers.

How now, brown cow?

Cattle have stocky bodies, thick skin, hoofed feet, and long tails. They typically weigh between 180 and 720 kilograms (400 and 1,600 pounds). Some cattle have horns, and some cattle do not. They vary in color from white, to black, to brown, to tan, with many cattle having more than one color on each animal. Cattle use their long tails to flick insects off their backs.

Judy: What do you call a grumpy cow?
Trudy: Moo-dy.

Beverly: Why do cows wear bells?
Arlene: Because their horns do not work!

Cattle can run at speeds of 56 kilometers (35 miles) per hour. In deep mud, cattle can run faster than horses. Bulls can run faster uphill than downhill, and cows will climb up stairs but not down stairs. Are you thinking what we are thinking? Yes, we can indeed make a ‘cattle trap’ using the information in this paragraph. Let us make a quick drawing on paper of our invention and get over to the patent office right away before anyone else thinks of this!

Bert: Why did the farmer give his cow a pogo stick?
Bart: He wanted a milkshake.

Cows sleep standing up. (Warning for humans - do not attempt!)

A city girl visiting her uncle and aunt on their farm was watching a cow chewing its cud. “Pretty fine cow, that,” said her uncle as he passed by. “Yes,” said the girl, “but doesn’t it cost a lot of money to keep it in chewing gum?”

Cattle are herbivores, or animals that eat plants. Grazing is the word used to describe cattle eating grass or other plants in a field. Because the grass, hay, corn, and other plant material cattle eat requires a lot of work to be digested, cattle stomachs have four parts, or compartments, called the rumen, the reticulum, the omasum, and the abomasum. Animals that have this type of multi-compartment stomach are called ruminants. Cattle swallow their food without chewing it very much, and then later chew their food, or cud, again, to break it down into digestible bits.

Amos: What did the cow say when she had nothing to eat but thistle?
Moses: “Thistle have to do.”

Stephen: What do you get when you cross a cow and a goat?
Steven: A coat!

Per head, cattle eat about 23 kilograms (50 pounds) of food a day, and drink about 132 liters (35 gallons) of water. ‘Per head’ is how farmers and ranchers often refer to each individual animal. So, if you have 1,000 head of cattle, it means you have 1,000 animals.

Howie: What do you call a cow with four legs?
Ward: A cow.

Millicent: What game did they play at the cow’s birthday party?
Millie: Moo-sical chairs.

Bulls are red-green colorblind (they fail to see those colors), and in bull fighting exhibitions, they will charge at the waving cape of a matador (bullfighter) no matter what color the cape is - be it red or neon yellow. Bulls become agitated, or are angered, by the movement of the cape, the color being of no importance.

Aaron: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
Isaac: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

“Researchers have found that cows with names give more milk than cows without names. Isn’t that right, Daisy?” “Moo-oo-oo!”

Cattle have an excellent sense of smell. They can smell odors up to 8 kilometers (5 miles) away. Likewise, some people claim to be able to smell cattle up to 8 kilometers (5 miles) away. That last sentence was a joke.

June: What do you call a cow with a crown?
April: Dairy Queen.

Rob: Where do cows stay when vacationing?
Bert: In moo-tels.

Cattle are social animals and interact with other cattle. Humans likewise - though mostly with other humans. Cattle moo as a way to communicate. Humans moo as a way to have fun. Cows can have regional accents. Humans have regional accents. This just keeps getting more and more interesting.

Two cows were in a field. The first cow said, “Moo!” and the second cow said, “Baaa.” The first cow asked the second cow, “Why did you say baaa?” The second cow said, “I’m learning a foreign language.”

A man was driving along a country road when the idea struck him to stop and pick some flowers. He had barely begun when he saw a mean looking bull not far away. The young man called out to the farmer in the next field, “Hey, mister! Is that bull safe?” To which the farmer shouted back, “Sure, safe as anything! Can’t say the same about you, though.”

There was an old man who said, “How
Shall I flee from that horrible cow?
     I will sit on this stile,
     And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.”
-Edward Lear

Jennie: What has four wheels, gives milk, and eats grass?
Jeanine: A cow on a skateboard.

Jeffry: What do you call a lazy cow?
Geoffrey: Meat loaf.

Cattle provide people with beef, gelatin, glue, soap, and leather. Many dairy products, including cream, butter, ice cream, cheese, milkshakes, and yogurt are made from cows’ milk.

“Look at those cows and remember that the greatest scientists in the world have never discovered how to make grass into milk.” -Michael Pupin

The Cow

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.

by Ogden Nash

One cow produces about 23 liters (about 6 gallons) of milk in a day.

Jess: What do you call someone who works in a dairy?
Josh: A cow.

Melissa: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Lisa: Milk of amnesia.

Many of the more than one billion cattle in the world live on dairy farms and cattle ranches. Moo!

Mick: What has a horn and gives milk?
Mack: A milk truck.

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Ode to a Cow

When life seems one too many for you,
     Go and look at a cow.
When the future’s black and the outlook blue,
     Go and look at a cow.
For she does nothing but eat her food.
     And sleep in the meadows entirely bare,
Refusing to fret or worry or scare -
     Because she doesn’t know how.

Whenever you’re feeling bothered and sore,
     Go and look at a cow.
When everything else is a fearful bore,
     Go and look at a cow.
Observe her gentle and placid air,
     Her nonchalance and savoir faire.
Her absolute freedom from every care,
     Her imperturbable brow.

So when you’re at the end of your wits,
     Go and look at a cow.
Or when your nerves are frayed to bits,
     And wrinkles furrow your brow;
She’ll merely moo in her gentle way,
     Switching her rudder as if to say:
“Bother tomorrow, let’s live today!”
     Take the advice of a cow.

by Author Unknown

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Cattle came to North America with the pilgrims. They arrived at the colony of Jamestown in 1611.

Charlene: What kind of cattle giggle?
Charles: Laughingstock!

Shelly: Why do cows go to New York?
Sally: To see the moo-sicals!

“I guess cows aren’t into the four food groups, especially when they are two of them.” -Anthony Clark

Peggy: What do you get from pampered cows?
Sue: Spoiled milk.

Moo, Moo, Brown Cow

Moo, moo, brown cow, have you milk for me?
     Yes sir, yes sir, tasty as can be,
Churn it into butter or make it into cheese,
     Freeze it into ice cream or drink it if you please.

by Author Unknown

James: How can you delay milk from becoming sour?
Robert: Keep it in the cow.

Betty: Where do baby cows eat?
Beatrice: In the calf-eteria.

Bonnie: What do cows put on their pancakes?
Lassie: Lots of moo-ple syrup!

A herd of cows and two bulls were eating grass in a pasture. Suddenly, a great gust of wind came ripping across the prairie and knocked all the cows to the ground. But the bulls just swayed in the wind and continued eating. When the wind quieted down, the cows stood up, brushed themselves off, and started eating again. A bit later, one cow looked up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture. The tornado knocked the cows every which way, but the bulls just rocked back and forth. When the cows got back on their feet and picked the straw out of their hides, they walked over to the bulls. One cow said, “Why do we cows get knocked over by the wind but you bulls continue standing?” The two bulls laughed and replied, “Because we bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

Arlene: Where do people buy cows?
Darlene: From cattlelogs.

Buddy: Where did the cow and the bull go on their date?
Holly: To the moo-vies, of course!

Old Man from Crewe

There was an old man from Crewe
Who wanted to know how to moo.
     He studied a cow
     To try and learn how,
But all he could do was boo.

by Author Unknown

Will: What is a cow’s favorite place?
Bill: The moo-seum.

Cows are moo-sically inclined, as they tend to produce more milk when they listen to music.

Warren: What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
Laura: A moo-sician.

Jimmy: What is the easiest way to count cows?
Timmy: With a cow-culator.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go, who?
No, silly - cows go, “Moo!”

Two cows were standing in a field. The first one said, “Moo.” The second one said, “I was just about to say the same thing.”

This is MFOL! . . . what, you didn’t think that was funny? Well, the cattle sure did!

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Ostriches

7/6/2019

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A family of ostriches out for a walk in the country . . . yes, life is good . . .

Some people do not take ostriches seriously, as if big birds are somehow a big joke, although these large birds run faster than horses, and male ostriches roar like lions.

The Ostrich Is a Silly Bird

The ostrich is a silly bird
     With scarcely any mind.
He often runs so very fast
     He leaves himself behind.

And when he gets there, has to stand
     And hang about till night,
Without a blessed thing to do
     Until he comes in sight.

by Mary E. Wilkins Freeman

Ostriches are unique looking animals with large, feather-covered bodies. They typically have long necks, small wings, large brown eyes, long beaks, and long skinny legs. Adult male ostriches have black feathers with some white on their undersides and tails. Adult female ostriches have light gray-brown feathers. Ostrich chicks have mottled brown and tan fluffy down, and will grow feathers as they mature into adult birds. Their coloration helps them blend in with their surroundings.

These ostriches are looking down on you because they are taller than you.

Ostriches are the largest, tallest, and heaviest birds presently living on Earth. They can grow to be up to 2.7 meters (9 feet) tall and can weigh up to 145 kilograms (320 pounds).

Ostrich Facts
- An adult male ostrich is called a cock or a rooster.
- An adult female ostrich is called a hen.
- A young ostrich is called a chick.
- A group of ostriches is called a flock or a troop.
- Ostriches are flightless birds.
- The sounds made by ostriches are called hisses, roars, booms, and grunts.
- Ostrich chicks make a low chirping sound up to about 2 months of age.
- Ostriches naturally live in the wild in Africa.
- Ostriches in the wild can live for up to 40 years.
- Ostriches in captivity can live for 30 to 70 years.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ostrich.
Ostrich, who?
Just an ostrich, that’s all!

Ostriches live in the woodlands and in the hot, dry savannas of sub-Saharan Africa, which is the part of Africa south of the Sahara desert. Ostriches are particularly well-adapted to the harsh conditions of the desert. In fact, their scientific name, ‘Struthio camelus,’ means ‘camel bird,’ a name given to them perhaps because ostriches can dwell in environments similar to what many camels live in.

In Australia, a number of farm-raised ostriches have escaped and now live in the wild, where they are thriving in conditions similar to their native Africa. These birds could be called feral animals, meaning domesticated animals and descendants of domesticated animals that are living in the wild.

Ostriches have been living on Earth for an estimated 70 to 120 million years. They survive because they are big, tough, smart, fast birds. They can run away from danger, but they also can kick with their legs and feet to protect themselves. Although they can only kick forward, they can kill animals and humans that they perceive as threats, usually with just a single swift kick. Ostriches also have dangerous long beaks to use as weapons. An additional survival strategy that ostriches use is to crouch close to the ground to blend in with their surroundings as a way to escape from danger.

Two women were being shown through the zoo, and their guide halted before the ostriches to explain, “Now this, ladies, is a very unusual bird. It can see very little and can digest practically anything.” “Goodness,” exclaimed one of the women. “Wouldn’t it make an ideal husband?”

Ostriches are omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals. They eat grass, leaves, flowers, roots, and other parts of plants. They also eat fruits, seeds, nuts, locusts and other insects, and small animals such as rodents, lizards, and snakes. To help them grind up and digest their food, ostriches eat sand and small pebbles. Ostriches obtain most of their water from the food they eat. They do drink water when they find it, but need to drink only every few days.

Ostriches’ eyes are nearly 5 centimeters (2 inches) wide, making them the largest eyes of any land animal. They have three sets of eyelids to protect them from flying sand and debris.

Ostriches have long necks that allow them to see predators from far away. The submariners’ expression, “Up, periscope!” might come to mind when we consider ostriches. They have long, thin necks atop which are two jumbo-sized eyes; using this periscope-type arrangement, they can extend their sight above much of the uneven terrain and low scrub brush, bushes, and other plants in their surroundings. They can then duck their ‘periscopes’ back down to remain less visible to any dangerous animals.

Floyd: Why does an ostrich have such a long neck?
Lloyd: Because its head is so far from its body.

You may have heard that ostrich brains are smaller than their eyes, and that is true. However, while ostrich brains are about the size of chicken eggs, it is not their brains that you would have to reckon with if you were to encounter a perturbed ostrich. Their large beaks and the sharp claws attached to their powerful legs are what you would need to be focused on. If you should ever find yourself around an agitated or mad ostrich, your best chance of survival may be to drop down onto your stomach and remain still until the ostrich becomes bored and moves on.

Next Thanksgiving, let’s have an ostrich instead of a turkey . . . oh, wait, first we will need an industrial-size oven!

Ostriches are raised on farms for feathers, meat, eggs, and leather. Ostrich feathers can be used to make feather dusters and articles of fashion-wear. Ostrich meat is the leanest of all red meats. Ostrich eggs can be cooked and eaten, and the thick eggshells can be made into decorative items. Ostrich leather can be used to make boots, jackets, hats, and handbags. The crisscrossing fibers within ostrich leather make it very durable.

Madeline: Why don’t ostriches fly?
Clementine: They can’t get past airline security.

Although ostriches cannot fly because they are heavy and have tiny wings, they are built for running, with long legs and strong leg muscles. Ostriches are the fastest runners of all bipedal (two-legged) animals on Earth, capable of moving at up to around 70 kilometers (43 miles) per hour. They can run more than twice as fast as humans. The swiftness of ostriches helps them survive in Africa, where hyenas, leopards, and lions are always on the prowl for prey to eat. The ostriches’ speed allows them to outdistance most predators, with the exception of cheetahs, which can run in short bursts of up to 121 kilometers (75 miles) per hour.

In ancient Egypt, ostriches pulled chariots, which are two-wheeled carts set low to the ground and made for speed, with usually just one or sometimes two riders. While it is possible for people to ride on the backs of ostriches using specially made saddles, the birds are difficult to steer. The tendency for them to be somewhat bird-brained makes ostrich races less common than other types of animal races, such as horse races, camel races, and dog races.

An annual Ostrich Festival is held at Tumbleweed Park in Chandler, Arizona, United States of America. The festival features amusement-park-type rides, foods and beverages, trained animal acts, ostrich races, costumed superheroes, and much more. For information, visit www.ostrichfestival.com.

This is how life on the Planet of the Ostriches looks.

Ostriches lay the largest bird’s eggs in the world; their oblong eggs are up to 11 centimeters (4.33 inches) long by 18 centimeters (7 inches) in width and weigh 1.3 kilograms (3 pounds). One ostrich egg is equivalent in volume to two dozen chicken eggs.

An ostrich egg takes 90 minutes to become hard-boiled because of its size and the thickness of its shell. Ostrich eggs can be used to make deviled eggs and scrambled eggs, and used in cooking just like chicken eggs. Be sure to adjust your recipes based on their humongous size.

Ostriches have only two toes on each foot, while all other birds have three or four toes. Ostriches often have one claw growing on each foot, on only the inner of the two toes, with their outer toes often being clawless, not unlike the way some humans have almost no toenails on their smallest toes. The claws can be about 7 centimeters (2.76 inches) in length, and are used as cutting and tearing weapons, or to scratch out shallow nests in the ground.

Ozzie: Why did the ostriches walk to the watering hole?
Rich: Because they cannot fly.

Ostriches are social birds that live in nomadic (wandering) groups of typically 5 to 50 members. During the dry season, when rain is less frequent or absent entirely, ostriches gather in large flocks in the vicinity of watering holes. During the rainy season, the large flocks of ostriches break down into smaller flocks, each having one dominant male and about 2 to 5 female ostriches.

‘Ostrich’ can be pronounced as ôs'trĭch, ŏs'trĭch, ôs'trĭj, or ŏs'trĭj. If you know of any other ways it can be pronounced, please let us know.

No one has ever asked ostriches why they stick their heads in the sand, or if this is even true. Possible reasons they might do so include searching for water, trying to find lost contact lenses, or looking for buried pirate treasure. Others claim that ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand at all - it only appears so because when they cannot run from danger, they flop to the ground and lay still, and the color of their heads blends in with the sand.

Baby Ostrich: Mama, do ostriches really bury their heads in the sand when they are scared?
Mama Ostrich: Of course not, dear. That is just an old myth.
Baby Ostrich: Then why do I have dirt in my ears?

Ostriches Quiz
- Are you an ostrich?
- If you were an ostrich, where would you most likely be right now?
- Do ostriches build nests in trees the way many other types of birds do?
- How do ostriches deal with predators, or animals that want to eat them?
- Is your neighborhood zoned for ostriches, if you wanted to start an ostrich ranch?
- By volume, how many chicken eggs are equivalent to one ostrich egg?

“Ostrich, noun: A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.” -Ambrose Bierce

Ostriches are tall birds, but this topic is a little short on ostrich fun stuff. We will add more to it in the future. Thanks for visiting MFOL! and have a very funny day!

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Porcupines

6/19/2019

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Look, it’s Bigfoot, the wild man of the forest . . . oh, wait, it’s just a porcupine . . .

Perry: What is part pig and part tree?
Jerry: A porky-pine!

Friendship

There once were two back-country geezers
Who got porcupine quills in their sneezers.
The sat beak to beak
For more than a week
Working over each other with tweezers.

by John Ciardi (John Anthony Ciardi (1916 - 1986))

Polly: What do you get when you cross a cat with a porcupine?
Holly: An animal that says, “Meowch!” when it licks it fur.

Porcupine Facts
- An adult male porcupine is called a boar.
- An adult female porcupine is called a sow.
- A young porcupine is called a pup or a porcupette.
- The plural of porcupine is porcupines.
- A group of porcupines is called a family, or imaginatively, a prickle.
- The sounds made by porcupines are called screeches, whines, and grunts.
- Porcupines are mostly nocturnal, or active at night.
- Porcupines are primarily herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Porcupines in the wild can live for about 5 to 7 years.
- Porcupines in captivity can live for up to 20 years.

Priscilla: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
Paula: Pop!

Be sure to always eat lots of green leafy vegetables so your porcupine quills will grow to be long and strong and sharp and pointy . . .

What do porcupines eat? Porcupines are regarded as being primarily herbivores, or animals that eat plants. They like leaves, including grass, evergreen needles, and clover. They also eat bark, stems, twigs, roots, flowers, nuts, seeds, berries and other fruit, and aquatic, or water, plants. However, porcupines will also eat insects, small reptiles, and bird eggs, though less often. They are particularly partial to salt. Basically, if something somewhere can be gnawed on, there is a porcupine trying to get to it.

Porcupine Picnics

When porcupines get
     together for picnics,
Nobody has
     to bring any toothpicks.

by Arden Davidson

Megan: What did the nearsighted porcupine say to the cactus?
Melvin: “Is that you, Patricia?”

Porcupines vary in color, from brown, to gray, to black, to yellow, with some of the rarer porcupine species found in white. They have small rounded ears, small dark eyes, blunt snouts, small mouths, teeth that constantly grow, short legs, four-fingered front paws with long curved claws, five-fingered back paws with long curved claws, short tails, and long barbed quills. Porcupines vary in size, from tiny 1-kilogram porcupines found in South America, to enormous 10-kilogram porcupines found in Africa.

The Porcupine

Any hound a porcupine nudges
     Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges.
I know one hound that laughed all winter
     At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

by Ogden Nash

The English word ‘porcupine’ was derived from the Middle French ‘porc d’espine’ meaning ‘spiny pig’ or ‘thorny pig.’ Middle French ‘porc d’espine’ was itself derived from the Latin words ‘porcus’ meaning ‘pig’ and ‘spina’ meaning ‘spine’ or ‘thorn.’ The Middle French ‘porc d’espine’ was adopted into Middle English as variants such as ‘porcupyne’ and ‘porcapyne.’ Over time, these variants became the standardized Modern English word ‘porcupine.’ A fun though somewhat archaic English word for porcupine is ‘quill-pig.’ Although the word ‘pig’ can be found in the original names for them, porcupines are rodents, and not related to pigs.

The Porcupine

A porcupine looks somewhat silly.
     He also is extremely quilly.
And if he shoots a quill at you,
     Run fast -
     Or you’ll be quilly, too.
I would not want a porcupine
     To be my loving valentine.

by Karla Kuskin (1932 - 2009)

Jacque: How do you pet a porcupine?
Jacqueline: Very, very carefully!

Porcupines have soft hair over most of their bodies, but it is best not to try to pet them, because their soft hair is intermixed with modified hairs called quills, or spikes. These are sharp, needle-like growths, located on the backs and sides and tails. An average adult porcupine has approximately 30,000 quills, which grow out and are replaced with new ones each year. The quills are about 7 centimeters (about 2.75 inches) long. While porcupines cannot ‘shoot’ their quills, they do detach quite easily from the animals, become imbedded in the skin, and become difficult to remove. The quills can be extremely painful to people, pets, livestock, and other animals that are pricked by them. Porcupine quills are not venomous, poisonous, or toxic, but they are likely to be covered with millions of microbes that can cause infections when the quills scratch or pierce the skin. The infections can sicken and even kill people and animals. Following any contact with a porcupine, go immediately to a doctor, and take your pet or any other animal to a veterinarian, for medical attention.

Pearl: What do porcupines say when they kiss?
Paul: “Ouch!”

The two main types of porcupines are Old World porcupines and New World porcupines. Old World porcupines inhabit the forests and jungles of Asia, Europe, and parts of Africa.

A very sad, very short love story: A nearsighted porcupine fell in love with a pincushion.

Old World porcupines live in Southern Europe, Asia, and Africa. Old world porcupines may not be good climbers, but they are excellent swimmers.

Porcupines are excellent swimmers because their hollow air-filled quills make it easy for them to stay afloat in water. Just remember what your mother told you, though: “Never go swimming with sharks, alligators, or porcupines.”

New World porcupines are indigenous, or native, to both North America and South America, where they live in forests, deserts, and grasslands. New World porcupines are good climbers and spend much of their time in trees. Some even have prehensile (gripping) tails to aid in climbing. Those with specialized tails are capable of clinging to trees with their tails and catching surrounding branches if they lose their balance or start to fall. This may be the reason why we so seldom hear anyone shout, “Watch out, it’s raining porcupines!”

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Cag the Porcupine

Cag the porcupine poked out his nose.
     He lived in the wild where the Alagash flows.
His hair wasn’t curly, his temper was surly.
     He’d risen too early which heightened his woes.

Cag the porcupine lumbered along,
     There wasn’t a thing in the woods but was wrong.
The world as created was much overrated
     And, oh, how he hated that chickadee’s song.

Cag the porcupine lurched on his way.
     The fox and the wolverine wished him, “Good day.”
But Cag only mumbled and onward he stumbled,
      “Some people,” he grumbled, “have too much to say.”

Cag the porcupine grumped to the hills,
      “These sociable folks are the worst of my ills.
I wish I were prickly and stickly,” and quickly
     He found himself thickly provided with quills.

Cag the porcupine nibbles a cone,
     The thistli-est, bristli-est, quadruped known,
And nobody pets him and nobody frets him
     And everyone lets him strictly alone.

by Author Unknown

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Why are porcupines seldom seen? Porcupines are nocturnal animals, meaning they are actively primarily at night. During daylight hours, they rest in places such as trees, hollow logs, and crevices in rocks.

Predators of porcupines, or animals that hunt and eat them, include black martens, bobcats, cougars, coyotes, eagles, fishers, humans, owls, and wolves.

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The Porcupine

Rebecca Jane,
     a friend of mine,
went out to pat
     a porcupine.

She very shortly
     came back in,
disgusted with
     the porcupin.

“One never, ever
     should,” said Jane,
“go out and pat
     a porcupain!”

by N. M. Bodecker (Niels Mogens Bodecker (1922 - 1988))

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Now you can tell all your friends that you know all about porcupines . . . because you have seen it all . . . on MFOL!

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