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A Conversation About Fake News

12/31/2020

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​Jim: I have some bad news.
Helen: Really?
Jim: No, but isn’t it amazing how it gets people’s attention when you say you do? It’s enough to make someone want to create fake bad news just to get people’s attention!
Helen: Wait - maybe that’s what the news media, social media, politicians, government bureaucrats, celebrities, evil rich people, advertisers, and foreigners are doing to us to get our attention, so that they can then influence and control us. Our entire culture is being saturated with fake news and lies and propaganda - it’s  everywhere! Wow, are we ever being manipulated! I feel so used . . . and now I’m sad and anxious, too, because I don’t know who to trust or what to believe anymore. I feel ill.
Jim: Yes, they are making all of us sick . . . but we should only be sick of them, and tired of them, and turn away from them, and take our lives and destinies back from the lying evil-doers who create fake news and other propaganda - while we still can.
Helen: You’re right, it’s not too late, if we turn them off and go talk to our friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, clients, customers, and even strangers, starting right now. I believe we can all do something to make the world a better place.
 
We are MFOL! . . . is this a conversation you should be having with everyone? Examples of fake news follow below . . .
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Hero Cat Saves Watermelon

10/30/2019

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A hero cat rolled a watermelon out of a lake today, saving the big green striped fruit with the delectable red interior from an almost certain drowning. Hero cats . . . they are everywhere . . . rescuing the plants and creatures of Earth from all kinds of possible bad endings!

by Katrina Katts, Intrepid World News Reporter
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A New Nation

3/6/2019

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​A New Nation
 
A man named Fred has decided to start his own nation. He will place a boat in international waters, attempt to anchor it there, and live full-time on it with a bunch of plants and animals and any stray boaters who happen to drift by.
 
“I’ve always wanted to live my life my way,” says Fred. “Now I will be able to build piles of sand and put plastic palm trees and plastic dinosaurs on them, and stage battles between the T-Rexes and the Pterodactyls. I can also lay in the Sun in an old rowboat filled with grape jelly, or send emails to myself all day long.”
 
When asked for comment, his wife Judy said, “We’ll see about that. Last summer he was supposed to clean out the garage, but ended up building a King Kong statue out of old tires on the roof instead. The zoning commission told him to remove that also.”
 
Article by Jedd I. Knight, Staff Writer
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Earth Is Losing Its Gravity

5/22/2018

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Hudson Bay, Canada is believed to be losing gravity faster than any place on Earth.
 
Earth Is Losing Its Gravity
 
According to a recent report, gravity, which is a non-renewable resource, is gradually diminishing. A top scientist reports that, “With the present rate of consumption, the Earth’s supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 22nd century.” As one prominent physicist says, “There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and the decrease in the Earth’s gravity supply. We’re already seeing the effects of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we’re not likely to feel the effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably have to deal with the issue.” It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering, like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down, but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will grow longer and a 92-yard field goal will become commonplace. Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative to natural gravity, we will each need to do our part to help alleviate this crisis.
 
We can conserve Gravity by following these simple suggestions:
(1)  Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like snorkeling.
(4)  Avoid showers . . . take baths instead.
(5)  Don’t hang all your clothes in the closet, keep them in one big pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes.
 
This is most assuredly not a joke. What could be more serious? After all, gravity is the opposite of comedy. You may be laughing now, but just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers and tied to concrete posts, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away on a windy day.
 
The permanent loss of gravity is a weighty matter. Please be gravity conscious, while we still have some.
 
by Rex King, Staff Writer
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Owen Jeffers Misses Flight

12/6/2017

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In an event that could have effects all across the known Universe, Owen Jeffers missed his flight at London’s Heathrow Airport yesterday. Experts suggest that if he had not stayed up the night before to watch a rerun of the critically acclaimed “Godzilla versus Bruce Lee” on the television, he might have made it on time, not only to catch his flight, but also to participate in the unusual sights, sounds, and smells of the human zoo that are the primary entertainment at airports for modern-day travelers.
 
“We don’t know for sure yet what cosmic ripples may have been started by this occurrence,” says on-time expert Doctor Zane Vertigone, “but we highly recommend that all persons make an effort to get to where they need to be on time, wherever those places might be.”
 
-Disassociated Press International (DPI)
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Web-footed Flightless Cat-birds

11/17/2017

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A first of its kind new species has been revealed to the public today, the web-footed flightless cat-bird. The creation is a culmination of more than a decade of gene-splicing work and other techniques that are closely held proprietary secrets of Boundless Laboratories Corporation of Aswego.
 
The new species is not without some controversy, however, as a group of scientists working at a competing laboratory across the street claim this is not an entirely new species of animal, but just an eclectic blend of Feline and Anatidae family genetic material, and is incapable of sustaining itself in any known habitat on the Earth. Doctor Eugene N. Fielder, spokesperson for the Global Institute of Biosciences, has stated, “. . . this appears to be some kind of witchcraft or sorcery, and whoever is responsible for this will be held to account. DNA manipulation is not a plaything for mischief-makers to toy with.”
 
Boundless Laboratories counterclaims the cat-bird is indeed capable of surviving in a natural setting, so long as there is an abundance of beetles, its only food source, which it catches by hopping distances of up to five-and-a-half meters straight up from the ground. “It always somehow manages to mysteriously land on its feet even after very high jumps,” quipped one geneticist. “And, it is as light as a puff-ball as it floats back to solid ground.” However, do not expect to see the animal in your neighborhood pet shop for at least the next several years, as an elastic tether jumping-leash has not yet been devised for it, and the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is expected to demand proof that web-footed flightless cat-birds are not a hostile invasive alien species.
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Elephant Car Wash Resumes

9/18/2017

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After a 2-month pause in service, the Economical Elephant Car Wash reopened today. The service had been temporarily closed after four elephants went on a mad rampage and smashed every pumpkin in farmer Geoffrey A. Gordon’s fields and then stampeded to a nearby candy store where they snacked on family sized bags of caramelized buttery popcorn and ginger ale. Those elephants have been sent back to live at the wild animal park, and new elephants have been brought in to replace them. According to owner Jezz Derrek, the best part is that elephants work cheap, so grab a bag of peanuts, get in your car, and come on down to the environmentally acceptable E. E. C. W.
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Ducks Have More Fun Than Anyone

7/16/2017

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They swim in the water, fly through the air, and walk on land - allowing them to go pretty much anywhere they please. They require no building permits for their nests, they need no travel visas to migrate, and they get by in life without any money. They communicate in a secret language of quacks. All in all, ducks live more carefree and have more fun than anyone.
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Mega-Dogs

3/27/2017

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With the recent development of mega-dogs, horses have become unnecessary and likely will be phased out in large part within the next five years. A herd of 500 horses will be moved to a small protected island near Nova Scotia, Canada in order to preserve the species from complete extinction. The mega-dogs will soon replace mail and package delivery vehicles in much of the developed world, the notable exception being Italy, which has banned the animals to prevent any possible damage to ancient structures such as the Roman Coliseum.
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Yet Another Bigfoot Sighting

3/26/2017

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Hikers in Utah’s Wasatch Mountains have made yet another Bigfoot sighting. This one appears to be the first known observation of a new subspecies tentatively called the Western Longhair Bigfoot, similar to the Canadian Pinewoods Sasquatch, but having a multi-colored coat and a gait similar to the Himalayan Yeti. The recent increase in sightings of new animal species such as the one shown is regarded as a possible threat to Darwinian Evolution Theory. Some scientists are hinting at a new theory of life, called the Spontaneous Appearance Theory, to try to explain the phenomena. “Just what might be behind it is anybody’s guess,” commented Professor Jarod Stansky of Brigham University.
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New Critically Endangered Species

2/24/2017

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Every day, all around the world, more than a million dust bunnies lose their homes to brooms, vacuum cleaners, dust mops, and wet mops. Their habitat is being destroyed at the alarming rate of one hundred rooms every five seconds. In a few short years, their species could be gone forever from the Earth.
 
We ask that you please give these little critters a chance. We are not asking for donations or any great personal sacrifice on your part. All you have to do is give up dusting and cleaning. Do something amazing today by helping to prevent the extinction of this unique species. Future generations will thank you. The Earth will thank you. The dust bunnies will survive with your kind and generous help.
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Cats Block Fishing Ports

1/24/2017

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​In an effort to extract higher tolls in the form of fish, cats have begun a major blockade of busy fishing ports. “We just want what’s ours,” explained the head feline, a seven-pound black-and-white housecat named Marcella. The cats have been using what has been called ‘aggressive cuteness’ to intimidate crews aboard fishing vessels as they come in with their catches each day. “If this continues,” commented one fisherman, “I will have to sell my boat and return to farming cabbages, turnips, and rutabagas to support my family.” Local authorities expect more people to turn to vegetarianism or other extreme measures to survive until the blockade ends, which is not predicted to be in the foreseeable future.
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Latest Bigfoot Sighting

1/23/2017

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​Bigfoot has recently been sighted in the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., where he is believed to be either running from the President, or running for the office of President, of the United States of America. “It’s a new millennium, and anything is possible,” commented one bystander. “This could be the dawn of the age of big hairy creatures.”
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Rabbit Imposter

1/22/2017

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Have you seen this person? A rabbit imposter has been reported in the tri-state area. Residents are urged to contact authorities immediately upon spotting this individual. The imposter is believed to be impersonating an Easter rabbit in order to get to your marshmallow-filled chocolate Easter eggs before you do. Protect your basket of Easter goodies with immediate action by calling your local law enforcement agency.
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Genius Chickens

1/21/2017

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​Smart birds have been employed by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to solve mathematical quandaries that have stumped major minds for more than a generation. Yet and still, they remain humble barnyard birds and refuse to accept any form of compensation for their contributions to mathematics. Chickens have been found to possess remarkable faculties once allowed to cross the road to get to the nation’s top educational institutions. For years, these spectacular brainy bird have been dumbed down by all of the ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ jokes. It turns out that they only wanted to cross the road to let the world know that they are capable of much more than just being next Sunday’s chicken-with-dumplings dinner.
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Local Man Finds Really Useful Sign

12/17/2016

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​In local news, Mr. Oliver Kirkwood, known to his friends as ‘O.K.,’ of 1487 Rubber Tree Lane, has finally discovered what he describes as the best sign ever invented by humankind. “It keeps trespassers off my property with the greatest of ease,” he says of the notice. “So long as people continue to not know what actual poison ivy looks like, they will assume any plants they see near the sign might be poison ivy, and they avoid my property.” Poison ivy is a plant that leaves people with severe itching, redness, soreness, and even blisters, upon contact with the skin. The symptoms can last for days or weeks, and afflicted individuals are sometimes known to seek medical attention.
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Farmer Finds Chicken With Eleven Legs

12/7/2016

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In a startling discovery that could have the biggest impact on farming of anything that has occurred in the past 2,000 years, a Minnesota farmer has found a chicken with approximately eleven legs. “I just went out to collect the eggs, like I do every day, and there it was,” said the incredulous farmer. The multi-legged chicken could change everything from fried chicken restaurant menus to space exploration, and the bird is expected to be perfect for dining establishments at lunar settlements that are expected to come within just a few decades. “It is as if nature has somehow anticipated our future needs and provided for them marvelously,” remarked a scientist at the University of Minnesota. “This bird has an odd number of legs, which would confuse interstellar chicken thieves, causing them to lose interest, get back in their spaceship, and continue on their way to the next galaxy.”
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