After a 2-month pause in service, the Economical Elephant Car Wash reopened today. The service had been temporarily closed after four elephants went on a mad rampage and smashed every pumpkin in farmer Geoffrey A. Gordon’s fields and then stampeded to a nearby candy store where they snacked on family sized bags of caramelized buttery popcorn and ginger ale. Those elephants have been sent back to live at the wild animal park, and new elephants have been brought in to replace them. According to owner Jezz Derrek, the best part is that elephants work cheap, so grab a bag of peanuts, get in your car, and come on down to the environmentally acceptable E. E. C. W.
They swim in the water, fly through the air, and walk on land - allowing them to go pretty much anywhere they please. They require no building permits for their nests, they need no travel visas to migrate, and they get by in life without any money. They communicate in a secret language of quacks. All in all, ducks live more carefree and have more fun than anyone.
A hero cat rolled a watermelon out of a lake today, saving the green melon with the sweet red interior from an almost certain drowning . . . Hero cats . . . they are everywhere . . . saving the plants and creatures of Earth from all kinds of possible bad endings . . .
With the recent development of mega-dogs, horses have become unnecessary and likely will be phased out in large part within the next five years. A herd of 500 horses will be moved to a small protected island near Nova Scotia, Canada in order to preserve the species from complete extinction. The mega-dogs will soon replace mail and package delivery vehicles in much of the developed world, the notable exception being Italy, which has banned the animals to prevent any possible damage to ancient structures such as the Roman Coliseum.
Hikers in Utah’s Wasatch Mountains have made yet another Bigfoot sighting. This one appears to be the first known observation of a new subspecies tentatively called the Western Longhair Bigfoot, similar to the Canadian Pinewoods Sasquatch, but having a multi-colored coat and a gait similar to the Himalayan Yeti. The recent increase in sightings of new animal species such as the one shown is regarded as a possible threat to Darwinian Evolution Theory. Some scientists are hinting at a new theory of life, called the Spontaneous Appearance Theory, to try to explain the phenomena. “Just what might be behind it is anybody’s guess,” commented Professor Jarod Stansky of Brigham University.
Every day, all around the world, more than a million dust bunnies lose their homes to brooms, vacuum cleaners, dust mops, and wet mops. Their habitat is being destroyed at the alarming rate of one hundred rooms every five seconds. In a few short years, their species could be gone forever from the Earth.
We ask that you please give these little critters a chance. We are not asking for donations or any great personal sacrifice on your part. All you have to do is give up dusting and cleaning. Do something amazing today by helping to prevent the extinction of this unique species. Future generations will thank you. The Earth will thank you. The dust bunnies will survive with your kind and generous help.
In an effort to extract higher tolls in the form of fish, cats have begun a major blockade of busy fishing ports. “We just want what’s ours,” explained the head feline, a seven-pound black-and-white housecat named Marcella. The cats have been using what has been called ‘aggressive cuteness’ to intimidate crews aboard fishing vessels as they come in with their catches each day. “If this continues,” commented one fisherman, “I will have to sell my boat and return to farming cabbages, turnips, and rutabagas to support my family.” Local authorities expect more people to turn to vegetarianism or other extreme measures to survive until the blockade ends, which is not predicted to be in the foreseeable future.
Bigfoot has recently been sighted in the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., where he is believed to be either running from the President, or running for the office of President, of the United States of America. “It’s a new millennium, and anything is possible,” commented one bystander. “This could be the dawn of the age of big hairy creatures.”
Have you seen this person? A rabbit imposter has been reported in the tri-state area. Residents are urged to contact authorities immediately upon spotting this individual. The imposter is believed to be impersonating an Easter rabbit in order to get to your marshmallow-filled chocolate Easter eggs before you do. Protect your basket of Easter goodies with immediate action by calling your local law enforcement agency.
Smart birds have been employed by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to solve mathematical quandaries that have stumped major minds for more than a generation. Yet and still, they remain humble barnyard birds and refuse to accept any form of compensation for their contributions to mathematics. Chickens have been found to possess remarkable faculties once allowed to cross the road to get to the nation’s top educational institutions. For years, these spectacular brainy bird have been dumbed down by all of the ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ jokes. It turns out that they only wanted to cross the road to let the world know that they are capable of much more than just being next Sunday’s chicken-with-dumplings dinner.
In local news, Mr. Oliver Kirkwood, known to his friends as ‘O.K.,’ of 1487 Rubber Tree Lane, has finally discovered what he describes as the best sign ever invented by humankind. “It keeps trespassers off my property with the greatest of ease,” he says of the notice. “So long as people continue to not know what actual poison ivy looks like, they will assume any plants they see near the sign might be poison ivy, and they avoid my property.” Poison ivy is a plant that leaves people with severe itching, redness, soreness, and even blisters, upon contact with the skin. The symptoms can last for days or weeks, and afflicted individuals are sometimes known to seek medical attention.
In a startling discovery that could have the biggest impact on farming of anything that has occurred in the past 2,000 years, a Minnesota farmer has found a chicken with approximately eleven legs. “I just went out to collect the eggs, like I do every day, and there it was,” said the incredulous farmer. The multi-legged chicken could change everything from fried chicken restaurant menus to space exploration, and the bird is expected to be perfect for dining establishments at lunar settlements that are expected to come within just a few decades. “It is as if nature has somehow anticipated our future needs and provided for them marvelously,” remarked a scientist at the University of Minnesota. “This bird has an odd number of legs, which would confuse interstellar chicken thieves, causing them to lose interest, get back in their spaceship, and continue on their way to the next galaxy.”