Make Fun Of Life!

If I Were Boss

11/1/2024

Picture of a happy smiling man going over documents at a desk in an office workplace, and the words, ‘Visit www.MakeFunOfLife.net.’

If I Were Boss

If I were boss I would like to say:
     “You did a good job here today.”
I’d look for a man, a girl or boy
     Whose heart would leap with a thrill of joy.

A word of appreciation, I’d pass it out
     Where the crowd would hear as I walked about.
If I were boss I would like to find
     The fellow whose work is the proper kind.

And whenever to me a good thing came
     I’d ask to be told the toiler’s name,
And I’d go to him, I’d pat his back
     And I’d say, “That was perfectly splendid, Jack!”

Now a bit of appreciation isn’t much to give,
     But it’s dear to the hearts of all who live;
And there’s never a man on this good old earth
     But is glad to be told he’s been of worth.

And a kindly word, when the work is fair,
     Is welcome and wanted everywhere.
If I were boss I am sure I would
     Say a kind word whenever I could.

For a man who has given his best by day
     Wants a little more than his weekly pay;
He likes to know, with the setting sun,
     That his boss is pleased with the work he’s done.

By Norma Kibbe

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Dean’s Rules For Managers To Live By

8/28/2024

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Picture of two men on either side of a third man, who is pointing with his finger at something on a piece of paper and holding a pencil, and the words, ‘Visit www.MakeFunOfLife.net.’

Dean’s Rules For Managers To Live By

1. If you can’t do your subordinates’ job, you shouldn’t be managing them.

2. Never forget that you, the manager, were once a worker.

3. Always remember, your subordinates have lives too.

4. Never ask a subordinate to do a task or job that you are either unwilling or unable to do.

5. If a subordinate asks you a question, make every effort to answer the question as quickly and as accurately as possible.

6. If a subordinate makes a request and it is feasible based on the facts at hand, grant it. If you cannot grant the request, explain fully why not.

7. As a manager and a leader, you must remain calm and collected at all times.

8. Those beneath you support you. Without their support, you will fall. Without their work and dedication, you are nothing.

9. Never make a promise, comment, or statement that you will not stand by or keep.

10. Back your subordinates up. Never leave them “hanging out to dry.”

11. All disciplinary measures should be in-house and confidential. Praise in public, punish in private.

By Dean Tabor

Copyright 1990 by Dean Tabor at http://www.tomstrong.org/public/misc/rules.for.managers.txt

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Ten Enthusiastic Workers

4/1/2024

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Picture of a variety of different workers including a plumber, a nurse, a police officer, a waiter, a painter, a veterinarian, a computer technician, an accountant, and a school teacher.

Ten Enthusiastic Workers

Ten enthusiastic workers, vigorous and fine;
One had another commitment, and then there were nine.

Nine enthusiastic workers, excited and elate;
One got hired away, and then there were eight.

Eight enthusiastic workers, keeping things even;
One got sloppy, and then there were seven.

Seven enthusiastic workers, giving it their best;
One found it tedious, and then there were six.

Six enthusiastic workers, looking all alive;
One fell asleep, and then there were five.

Five enthusiastic workers, keeping up their score;
One showed up late, and then there were four.

Four enthusiastic workers, bright as bright can be;
One became careless, and then there were three.

Three enthusiastic workers, seeking work to do;
One thought he couldn’t, and then there were two.

Two enthusiastic workers, proud of good things done;
One grew too tired, and then there was one.

One enthusiastic worker, still hanging on;
Because persevering had made him strong.

By David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

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Employment And Work

3/1/2023

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Picture of a road sign displaying the words, ‘Work Hard And Be Nice To People - Visit www.MakeFunOfLife.net.

“When you like your work, every day is a holiday.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

“Doctor Lillian Gilbreth, professor of management at Purdue University, studied women in a dress factory. Some of them were limp with fatigue; some bright-eyed and wide awake. Yet all the women had been working the same number of hours. Doctor Gilbreth found that most of the wide-awake ones had plans for the evening - a party or a date - and were anticipating a good time. The tired ones were those who had nothing to look forward to.” -Amy Selwyn: as quoted in “Coronet” magazine
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Hopes and Dreams” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth.” -Pearl S. Buck (Pearl Sydenstricker Buck (1892 - 1973))

Overheard: I like my job so much that I actually pay my employer for the privilege of working there.

Let us realize that:
the privilege to work is a gift,
the power to work is a blessing,
the love of work is success!
-David O. McKay (David Oman McKay (1873 - 1970))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Poetry” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Work is the grand cure for all maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind - honest work, which you intend getting done.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)

“Work banishes those three great evils: boredom, vice, and poverty.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“I tell you, sir, the only safeguard of order and discipline in the modern world is a standardized worker with interchangeable parts. That would solve the entire problem of management.” -Jean Giraudoux (Hippolyte Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944))

Boss: The person who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Daffynitions and Definitions” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your attitude. I like fun.” -Colleen C. Barrett (born 1944)

“Every job has drudgery, whether it is in the home, in the professional school, or in the office. The first secret of happiness is the recognition of this fundamental fact.” -M. C. McIntosh
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about How to Be Happy” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“It doesn’t matter whose payroll you are on, you are working for yourself.” -Author Unknown

Love - Laugh - www.MakeFunOfLife.net - Liv - Learn

One manager let employees know how valuable they are with the following memo:

You Arx A Kxy Pxrson

Xvxn though my typxwritxr is an old modxl, it works vxry wxll - xxcxpt for onx kxy. You would think that with all thx othxer kxys functioning propxrly, onx kxy not working would hardly bx noticxd; but just onx kxy out of whack sxxms to ruin thx wholx xffort.

You may say to yoursxlf - Wxll, I’m only onx pxrson. No onx will noticx if I don’t do my bxst. But it doxs makx a diffxrxncx, bxcausx an xffxctivx organization nxxds activx participation by xvxry onx to thx bxst of his or hxr ability.

So, thx nxxt timx you think you arx not important, rxmxmbxr my old typxwritxr. You arx a kxy pxrson.

by Thx Boss

“The highest reward from your working is not what you get for it but what you become by it.” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Self-Improvement and Self-Help” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

The following was found in an employee handbook: “Be thankful for your problems, because if they were less difficult, someone with less ability and lower pay would have your job.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Problems and Solutions” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

The Fable of the Crow and the Rabbit.

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground under the tree, and took his leisure. Suddenly, a fox appeared, pounced on the rabbit, and ate it. The moral of the story is, to be able to lounge around and do nothing all day, you must be sitting very, very high up.

by Author Unknown

“Variety may be the spice of life, but monotony provides the groceries.” -Author Unknown

On the morning of the last day of school, Johnny’s mother went into his bedroom and hollered, “Wake up and get ready for school!” Johnny pulled the sheets up over his face and muttered, “Give me one good reason why I should go to school today.” His mother answered, “Well, for starters, you are the school principal.”

A guy showed up late for work. The boss yelled, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” The guy replied, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

“I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.” -Author Unknown

“A human being must have occupation, if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world.” -Dorothy L. Sayers (Dorothy Leigh Sayers (1893 - 1957)): “Are Women Human?” (1938); type of work: address given to a women’s society
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Idleness and Industriousness” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

Workplace Rules

1. The boss is always right.
2. When the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

by Author Unknown

“Give sail to ability.” -Author Unknown: Japanese proverb
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Ships and Sailors” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

Overheard: I was thinking that with a few more deductions, my take-home pay wouldn’t be enough to get me there. Then, it finally happened - the deductions and withholdings have now exceeded my earnings, and last week, the company didn’t send me a pay check, they sent me a bill!

“Now, before I agree to take this job,” the young applicant said, “I have one question. Are the hours long?” “Well,” the manager said, “we try our best to keep them limited to sixty minutes.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Time” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Don’t let your superiors know that you are better than they are.” -Arthur Bloch (born 1948)

The boss joined a group of workers in a meeting and told some jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Bonnie. When the boss noticed that he was getting no reaction from Bonnie, he said, “What’s the matter, Bonnie? No sense of humor?” “My sense of humor is fine,” she said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m starting a job with another company tomorrow.”

“Business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before important meetings.” -Scott Adams (Scott Raymond Adams (born 1957))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Attire and Accessories” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

Picture of a happy smiling monkey sitting in a chair and working at a typewriter.

“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.” -James Goldsmith (1933 - 1997)

“. . . a fair day’s wages for a fair day’s work.” -Author Unknown: as quoted by Alpheus Cary in a speech (7 October 1824) at Faneuil Hall, Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America

Overheard: At the end of the work day, we tell all of our employees, “You’re fired. Come back tomorrow morning, and we’ll re-hire you.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Stress and Anxiety” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“What we do for a living does not matter as much as how we do it.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1848 - 1924))

“There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes.” -William Bennett (William John Bennett (born 1943))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Attitudes and Expectations” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

Employee Breakroom Notice: Your Mother Does Not Work Here, So You Will Have To Clean Up Your Own Messes.

Employee: Sir, I’ve been with you for twenty-seven years, and I’ve never before asked for a raise.
Boss: That’s why you’ve been with me for twenty-seven years.

A man said to his wife, “I don’t want to go to work today. It’s a jungle out there.” She said, “Don’t worry, I put a banana in your lunchbox.”

Career Advice

Don’t be
     A jerk
          At work.

by David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how.”

Personnel Director, speaking to new trainee: “. . . or, if you prefer, you can elect to skip coffee breaks entirely, and retire three years sooner.”

The first United States Minimum Wage Law was instituted in 1938. The minimum wage was set at 25 cents per hour.

So, you are thinking of becoming a comedian, musician, artist, song writer, actor, inventor, poet . . . these are interesting ‘sidelines,’ but as they say, “Don’t quit your day job,” because you will need a means to support yourself while you pursue your creative ideas, and that means having a ‘real job’ with a real income that pays the rent and puts food on the table during the years it will take for you to develop a talent and years it will take for you to be discovered. Yes, you should definitely pursue your dreams - while continuing to work at the job that provides you with an income.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Wisdom and Advice” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“You don’t get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))

Desk: A waste-paper basket with drawers.

“We spend most of our lives working. So why do so few people have a good time doing it?” -Richard Branson (Richard Charles Nicholas Branson (born 1950)), as quoted in the “New York Times” (18 February 1993) newspaper
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Questions and Queries” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Don’t bother to boast of your work to others; good work speaks for itself.” -Author Unknown

“I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.” -Bob Thaves: “Frank and Ernest” (comic strip)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Money” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

Worker’s Prayer

Now I get me up to work,
     I pray, the Lord, I may not shirk.
If I should die before tonight,
     I pray, the Lord, my work’s all right.

by Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Prayers and Spiritual Affirmations” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.” -Robert E. Schenk

“Making a living is best undertaken as a part of the more important business of making a life.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Life and Living” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Doing a job right the first time gets the job done.” -Author Unknown

“It is necessary to work, if not from inclination, at least from despair. As it turns out, work is less boring than amusing oneself.” [translation to English]
“Il faut travailler, sinon par goût, au moins par désespoir, puisque, tout bien vérifié, travailler est moins ennuyeux que s’amuser.” [original French]
-Charles Baudelaire (Charles Pierre Baudelaire (1821 - 1867)): “Mon coeur mis à nu” (1864)

“Keep your eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, and your ear to the ground - now try to work in that position.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Anatomy and Physiology” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“A ‘people churner’ is a bad employee who causes a company to lose all of its good employees. Some companies have a gang, or a group of people churners, that work together to cause good employees to flee the company to find work elsewhere. What eventually happens to a company that loses all of its good employees?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

“The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.” -James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)

Jack

All work and no play
    makes Jack a dull boy;
All play and no work
    makes Jack a mere toy.

by Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Poetic Epigrams” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” -Peter Drucker (Peter Ferdinand Drucker (1909 - 2005))

“Work is more fun than fun.” -Noël Coward (1899 - 1973)

Boss to new employee: Amazing - you’ve been with us only two days and already you’re a month behind.

“Labor, if it were not necessary for existence, would be indispensable for the happiness of man.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

“Work offers us the opportunity to discover who we are and what we can do.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Differences and Individuality” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Work is the basis of living. I’ll never retire. A man’ll rust out quicker than he’ll wear out.” -Harland Sanders (Harland David ‘Colonel’ Sanders (1890 - 1980))

Overheard: When I asked for a work break, my supervisor said, “You don’t need a break. We gave you one when we hired you.”

“Get happiness out of your work or you may never know what happiness is.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“Work: Something to do between weekends.” -Author Unknown

“As a remedy against all ills - poverty sickness and melancholy - only one thing is absolutely necessary: A liking for work.” -Charles Baudelaire (Charles Pierre Baudelaire (1821 - 1867))

“The best augury of a man’s success in his profession is that he thinks it the finest in the world.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Anne Evans (1819 - 1880))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about George Eliot” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“By 1960, work will be limited to three hours a day.” -John Langdon-Davies (1897 - 1971)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about the Future and Predictions” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“The most important question to ask on the job is not, “What am I getting?” The most important question to ask on the job is, ‘What am I becoming?’” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009)): “Jim Rohn’s Weekly E-zine” (11 February 2003)

“Be a friendly person to your co-workers. Say nice things to them. Help them when they least expect it.” -Jeffrey Gitomer (born 1946)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Encouragement and Praise” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.” -Author Unknown

“It is the first of all problems for a man to find out what kind of work he is to do in this Universe.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881): “Address at Edinburgh” (2 April 1866)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Beginnings and Starting” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

“Find something in life you can give the best of yourself to.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read “Fun and Learning about Inspiration and Motivation” gathered by David Hugh Beaumont.

We are MFOL! . . . we know you labor long hours without much recognition and encouragement - but continue to do the excellent work!

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The Secret of Success

7/16/2022

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Picture of dark blue Huckleberries on a dark green leafy Huckleberry Bush.

Image Credit: Photograph by Bruno Karklis - Used Under CC 3.0 - Adapted

The Secret of Success

One day in huckleberry time, when little Johnny Flails
     And half a dozen other boys were starting with their pails
To gather berries, Johnny’s pa, in talking with him, said
     That he could tell him how to pick so he’d come out ahead.

“First find your bush,” said Johnny’s pa, “and then stick to it till
     You’ve picked it clean. Let those go chasing all about who will
In search of better bushes, but it’s picking tells, my son.
     To look at fifty bushes doesn’t count like picking one.”

And Johnny did as he was told, and sure enough he found
     By sticking to his bush while all the others chased around
In search of better picking, ‘twas as his father said;
     For while the others looked he worked, and so came out ahead.

And Johnny recollected this when he became a man.
     And first of all he laid him out a well-determined plan.
So while the brilliant triflers failed with all their brains and push,
     Wise steady-going Johnny won by “sticking to his bush.”

by Nixon Waterman

Nixon Waterman was born on 12 November 1859 in Newark, Kendall County, Illinois, United States of America, as the son of Lyman Waterman and Elizabeth Waterman. He lived on a farm until he was 20 years of age, teaching school during the winter months, and began his newspaper career at 21 years of age in the mechanical department of a country weekly in Creston, Iowa. Mr. Waterman was married on 14 March 1883 to Nellie Haskins of Menasha, Wisconsin. Weary of being a press operator, he tried his hand at other branches of the business, and made rapid progress. He first won flattering recognition as a newspaper editorial writer in Omaha, Nebraska. He moved to Chicago in October 1889, where he supplied the editorial page of the Chicago “Herald” with witty and catchy rhymes printed under the caption, “Small Change,” which were copied in publications across America. When the proprietors of the “Herald” started the “Evening Post,” he was one of the coteries selected to create for that venture the conditions of popularity with the public. After seven months on the “Post,” he went back to the “Herald,” but a year later resigned to work for “Puck,” “Truth,” “Youth’s Companion” and other popular weekly newspapers and magazines. Nixon Waterman was a newspaper writer, a poet, a book author, and a Chautauqua lecturer. His first wife Nellie Waterman (maiden name Haskins) passed on sometime in 1940, and in November 1940, he married Grace Sanford Leavitt. Nixon Waterman passed on at 84 years of age on 1 September 1944 in Canton, Norfolk County, Massachusetts, United States of America.

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Home Building

4/8/2022

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Picture of a two-story single-family house with a green lawn, flowering plants, and green leafy trees around it.

Home Building

Of all the work I’ve ever done
     That which I liked best -
Was building homes for grateful souls
     Where they might take their rest.

They give me a feeling of humble pride,
     Those homes of brick and wood -
To know that they have sheltered love
     Through all the years they’ve stood.

by Rea Williams

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Words of Thomas Dekker

4/5/2022

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Picture of a man using a rake to clear cut and dried grass out of a yard.

Words of Thomas Dekker

To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face;
To greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains;
To approach my work with a clean mind;
To hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things,
The Ultimate Purpose toward which I am working;
To meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart;
To be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours;
To approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep,
And the joy that comes from work well done -
This is how I desire to waste wisely my days.

by Thomas Dekker

Thomas Dekker was born in about 1572 in London, England. He became a playwright and a pamphleteer. Thomas Dekker passed on at about 60 years of age on 25 August 1632 in London, England.

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The Thumb

10/1/2021

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The Thumb

Hail to the thumb, the useful thumb,
     The grasper, the holder, the doer of deeds,
Where fingers are futile and tools succumb,
     Stolid, ungainly, the thumb succeeds.

Hail to the thumb, the homely thumb;
     Rings and jewels are not for it,
Compliments, dainty and frolicsome,
     For fingers are suited, for thumbs unfit.

Hail to the thumb, the modest thumb;
     Gently and calmly it hides away,
Never for it a banner and drum,
     Or praise at the end of a strenuous day.

And hail to the men who are like the thumb;
     Men who are never sung by a bard,
Men who are laboring, modestly dumb,
     Faithfully doing the work that is hard.

Some day, men of the toiling thumb,
     Men of the modest, invincible worth,
Some day your high reward will come,
     From the Hand of the Lord of Heaven and Earth!

by Author Unknown

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Hard Work

9/30/2021

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Picture of a man who works as a tile setter or tile installer, first standing with hands on hips and looking serious, then holding a level and a large tile, then smiling broadly and laughing.

Hard Work

It’s hard to keep smiling when troubles are piling
     Their weight on your neck till it’s sprained;
It’s hard to keep grinning when others are winning
     The prizes for which you have strained.
It’s hard to be cheery on days wet and dreary,
     When everything near you looks drowned;
It’s hard to be sunny when all of your money
     Is sunk in a hole in the ground.
It’s hard to keep laughing when wearily quaffing
     The flagon of grief to the dregs,
It’s harder to frolic when you have the colic,
     Or gout at the end of your legs.
But how will it aid you, when woe has waylaid you,
     To rumble and grumble and swear?
There’s nothing that’s healing in kicking the ceiling,
     Or biting the rungs from a chair.
It’s hard to look pleasant when anguish is present,
     And yet it is strictly worth while;
Not all of your scowling and fussing and growling
     Can show off your grit like a smile.

by Walt Mason: “Terse Verse” (1917)

Walter S. ‘Walt’ Mason was born on 4 May 1862 in Columbus, Ontario, Canada. He started out as a farmhand and a laborer, but soon became a newspaperman, eventually after many years writing a syndicated column, “Rippling Rhymes.” Walter S. ‘Walt’ Mason passed on at 77 years of age on 22 June 1939 in La Jolla, California, United States of America.

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Don’t Knock

9/4/2021

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Picture of a worker wearing a hardhat at a construction site, making a hole in a wood beam using a manual hand-drill, with construction equipment, a blue sky, and fluffy white clouds in the background.

Don’t Knock

You can’t saw wood with a hammer, my son,
     Nor polish a marble with knocks;
You’ll not long deceive with great clamor, my son,
     Nor profit by throwing of rocks;
You never can rise to the heights of success
     By pulling down others who’ve gained it.
By steadily working through storm and stress -
     They’ve buckled to work, not disdained it.

You can’t saw wood with a hammer, my son,
     Nor polish a diamond with bricks;
The world soon tires of mere glamor, my son,
     And punctures the sharpest of tricks.
You never can rise by mere envy or hate,
     Or growling at those who’ve succeeded
By honestly toiling both early and late -
     ’Tis workers, not shirkers, that’s needed.

You can’t saw wood with a hammer, my son,
     Nor fasten bridge timbers with tacks;
The world soon shuns a wind-jammer, my son;
     You can’t build to last with mere wax.
To win you must hustle with might and with main,
     And give recompense for your wages,
For those who strive hardest deserve greatest gain -
     True worth is the best of all gauges.

You can’t saw wood with a hammer, my son,
     Nor write for the future in sand;
The world asks more than mere clamor, my son -
     It’s work of the brain and the hand
So labor away with a whistle and laugh,
     And scatter good cheer as you labor.
Don’t worry - the world soon winnows out chaff -
     It’s the wheat that you sell to your neighbor.

by Will M. Maupin: as published in “The Commoner” newspaper

William Major ‘Will’ Maupin was born on 31 August 1863 in Callaway County, Missouri, United States of America. Early in his career he was a roaming reporter, traveling to places as distant as Winnipeg, Canada and Caracas, Venezuela. He became a newspaper columnist, editor, newspaper founder, civil servant, and book author, eventually settling in Nebraska. He worked for some 40 newspapers over his lifetime, including the “Omaha World-Herald,” “The Commoner,” and the “Hastings Democrat.” His published books include “Limnings” (1898), being the collected writings from his newspaper column of the same name, as well as “Whether Common or Not: A Little Book of Sketches and Verse” (1903), “Kiddies Six: A Modest Volume of Verse” (1911), “Nebraska Facts” (1918), and “Sunny Side Up: Poems” (1926). William Major ‘Will’ Maupin passed on at 84 years of age on 8 June 1948 in Nebraska, United States of America.

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Work

7/22/2021

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Picture of a woman leading a flock of geese, with a trained collie dog following at the rear of the flock to keep any of the birds from wandering off

Work

Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at the desk or loom,
In roaring market-place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
   “This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
   “Of all who live, I am the one by whom
“This work can best be done in the right way.”
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
   To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
   Then shall I cheerful greet the laboring hours,
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
     At eventide, to play and love and rest,
     Because I know for me my work is best.

by Henry van Dyke: “The Poems of Henry Van Dyke” (1933)

Henry Jackson van Dyke, Junior was born on 10 November 1852 in Germantown, Pennsylvania, United States of America. He became a Presbyterian minister, an educator, a short story writer, a poet, and an essayist. Henry Jackson van Dyke, Junior passed on at 80 years of age on 10 April 1933 in Princeton, New Jersey, United States of America.

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Words of Harlow H. Curtice

7/17/2020

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Words of Harlow H. Curtice

Do it the hard way! Think ahead of your job. Then nothing in the world can keep the job ahead from reaching out for you. Do it better than it need be done. Next time doing it will be child’s play. Let no one or anything stand between you and the difficult task, let nothing deny you this rich chance to gain strength by adversity, confidence by mastery, success by deserving it. Do it better each time. Do it better than anyone else can do it. I know this sounds old-fashioned. It is, but it has built the world.

by Harlow H. Curtice

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The Boy Without a Reference

12/28/2019

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The Boy Without a Reference

John was fifteen, and anxious to get a desirable place in the office of a well-known lawyer, who had advertised for a boy. John doubted his success in obtaining this position, because, being a stranger in the city, he had no reference to present.

“I am afraid I will stand a poor chance,” he thought, despondently. “However, I will try to appear as well as I can, and that may help me a little.”

So he was careful to have his dress and person neat, and when he took his turn to be interviewed, went in with his hat in his hand and a smile on his face.

The keen-eyed lawyer glanced him over from head to foot. “Good face,” he thought, “and pleasant ways.” Then he noted the neat suit - but other boys had appeared in new clothes - saw the well-brushed hair, and clean skin. Very well; but there had been others quite as cleanly. Another glance, however, showed the fingernails free from dirt. “Ah, that looks like thoroughness,” thought the lawyer.

Then he asked a few direct, rapid questions, which John answered as directly. “Prompt,” was his mental comment; “can speak up when necessary.”

“Let’s see your writing,” he added aloud.

John took a pen and wrote his name.

“Very well; easy to read, and no flourishes. Now, what references have you?”

The dreadful question at last! John’s face fell. He had begun to feel some hope of success, but this dashed it again.

“I haven’t any,” he said, slowly. “I am almost a stranger in the city.”

“Cannot take a boy without references,” was the brusque reply.

As he spoke, a sudden thought sent a flush to John’s cheek. “I haven’t any reference,” he said, with hesitation; “but here is a letter from Mother which I just received. I wish you would read it.”

The lawyer took it. It was a short letter:

My Dear John,

I want to remind you that wherever you find work, you must consider that work your own. Do not go into it, as some boys do, with the feeling that you will do as little as you can and get something better soon, but make up your mind that you will do as much as possible, and make yourself so necessary to your employer that he will never let you go. You have been a good son to me, and I can truly say that I have never known you to shirk. Be as good in business, and I am sure God will bless your efforts.

“Hmm!” said the lawyer, reading it over the second time. “That’s pretty good advice, John, excellent advice. I rather think I will try you, even without the references.”

John has been with him six years, and last spring was admitted to the bar.

“Do you intend taking that young man into partnership?” asked a friend lately.

“Yes, I do. I could not get along without John; he is my right-hand man!” exclaimed the lawyer, heartily.

And John always says the best reference he ever had was his mother’s good advice and honest praise.

by Author Unknown

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The Farmer

12/9/2019

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The Farmer

The dawn is here! I climb the hill;
     The earth is young and strangely still;
A tender green is showing where
     But yesterday my fields were bare . . .
I climb and, as I climb, I sing;
     The dawn is here, and with it - spring!

My oxen stamp the ground, and they
     Seem glad, with me, that soon the day
Will bring new work for us to do!
     The light above is clear and blue;
And one great cloud that swirls on high,
     Seems sent from earth to kiss the sky.

The birds are coming back again,
     They know that soon the golden grain
Will wave above this fragrant loam;
     The birds, with singing, hasten home;
And I, who watch them, feel their song.
     Deep in my soul, and nothing wrong,

Or mean or small, can touch my heart . . .
     Down in the vale the smoke-wreaths start,
To softly curl above the trees;
     The fingers of a vagrant breeze
Steal tenderly across my hair,
     And toil is fled, and want, and care!

The dawn is here! I climb the hill;
     My very oxen seem to thrill -
To feel the mystery of day.
     The sun creeps out, and far away
From man-made law I worship God,
     Who made the light, the cloud, the sod;
I worship smilingly, and sing!
     The dawn is here, and with it - spring!

by Margaret E. Sangster

Margaret Elizabeth Sangster was born on 22 February 1838 in New Rochelle, New York, United States of America. She was married to George Sangster in October 1858. She became a writer, a poet, and a magazine editor. Her autobiography is titled, “From My Youth Up: Personal Reminiscences” (1909). Margaret Elizabeth Sangster passed on at 74 years of age on 3 June 1912 in South Orange, New Jersey, United States of America.

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Words of John Burroughs

11/27/2019

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Words of John Burroughs

What is the best thing for a stream? It is to keep moving. If it stops, it stagnates. So the best thing for a man is that which keeps the currents going, the physical, the moral, and the intellectual currents. Hence the secret of happiness is something to do; some congenial work. Take away the occupation of all men, and what a wretched world it would be! Few persons realize how much of their happiness is dependent upon their work, upon the fact that they are kept busy and not left to feed upon themselves. Happiness comes most to persons who seek her least, and think least about it. It is not an object to be sought; it is a state to be induced. It must follow and not lead. It must overtake you, and not you overtake it. How important is health to happiness, yet the best promoter of health is something to do. Blessed is the man who has some congenial work, some occupation in which he can put his heart, and which affords a complete outlet to all the forces there are in him.

by John Burroughs

John Burroughs was born on 3 April 1837 on a family farm in the Catskill Mountains near Roxbury, Delaware County, New York, United States of America. He became a naturalist and a writer. John Burroughs passed on at 83 years of age on 29 March 1921 near Kingsville, Ashtabula County, Ohio, United States of America.

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The Man Who Gets Promoted

11/25/2019

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The Man Who Gets Promoted

The ordinary fellow does an ordinary task,
     He’s mighty fond of ‘good enough’ and lets it go at that;
But the chap who gets promoted, or the raise he doesn’t ask,
     Has just a little something more than hair beneath his hat.

The ordinary fellow lives an ordinary day,
     With the ordinary fellow he is anxious to be quit;
But the chap who draws attention and the larger weekly pay,
     Has a vision for the future and is working hard for it.

He tackles every problem with the will to see it through,
     He does a little thinking of the work that comes to hand;
His eyes are always open for the more that he can do,
     You never find him idle, merely waiting a command.

The ordinary fellow does precisely as he’s told,
     But someone has to tell him what to do, and how, and when;
But the chap who gets promoted fills the job he has to hold
     With just a little something more than ordinary men.

by Edgar A. Guest: “The Passing Throng” (1923)

Edgar Albert ‘Eddie’ Guest was born on 20 August 1881 in Birmingham, England. He immigrated with his family to the United States of America in 1891. From his first published work in the “Detroit Free Press” until his passing in 1959, he penned some 11,000 poems that were syndicated in 300 newspapers and collected into more than twenty books. Mr. Guest is reputed to have had a new poem published in a newspaper every day for more than thirty years. He became known as ‘The People’s Poet,’ writing poems that were of a sentimental and optimistic nature. Edgar Albert ‘Eddie’ Guest passed on at 77 years of age on 5 August 1959 in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America.

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Janitors And Garbage Collectors

4/11/2019

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Picture of garbage collectors picking up bags of trash and putting it into a garbage truck in heavy rain with water deepening in the road around them.

Sign on the side of a garbage truck: “It may be garbage to you, but it’s our bread and butter.”

Question: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Answer: Supplies!

Sure, we make jokes about janitors and garbage collectors, but without the men and women who clean up messes and haul away trash, civilization would break down, and then collapse entirely, as we end up buried in our own refuse.

Riddle: What has four wheels and flies?
Solution: A garbage truck!

A father was asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather minor ambition to have for a career.” “Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays.”

You don’t need a fancy degree or extensive training to be a garbage collector. You just ‘pick it up as you go along.’

A one-and-a-half meter (five feet) tall janitor named Bill worked at the wealthiest private school in town. He ordered some cleaning supplies by phone from the custodial supplies warehouse. When the supplies arrived, the delivery truck driver asked Bill to sign for them. Bill went into the headmaster’s office and asked the headmaster to sign for them. Puzzled, the headmaster told Bill to sign for them. “I can’t,” said Bill. “I can’t read or write.” “Well,” replied the headmaster, “I’m going to have to let you go, Bill. I’m sorry, but it just won’t do for us to have a janitor who cannot read or write working here.” Bill started walking home, wondering how he was going to tell his family the bad news about his job loss. He reached into his pocket for his wallet to count how much money he had left - and his well-worn pants ripped apart. He searched the neighborhood looking for a shop that sold smaller size men’s clothes, but could find none. And then he got an idea: Short and small men have money to spend and they need clothes just like everyone else. When he got home, he told his wife he was going to open a shop that sells smaller size men’s clothes. The venture was so successful that Bill soon opened another shop, and then another. In ten years, he opened his tenth store. A feature writer from a big city newspaper came to interview Bill on this successful occasion. When she had finished the interview, she asked Bill if he would like to read over her notes. “Yes, I would like to,” said Bill “but I can’t read or write.” “My goodness!” said the young lady. “You’ve accomplished so much. Just imagine what you would be if you could read and write!” “Yes,” smiled Bill. “I would be a janitor in a private school.”

Roger: Why did the janitor go to college?
Jerome: Because he realized that grime doesn’t pay.

A very small female janitor, who was about one-and-one-half meters (four feet, ten inches) tall and weighed about forty-one kilograms (ninety pounds), was working at an amusement park, and was told to go out and sweep up the trash. As she was getting ready to start cleaning up, her supervisor noticed that she was putting rocks in her pockets. When the supervisor asked her what she was doing, she said, “It’s very windy out there, and I’ll get knocked over by the wind . . . so . . . now I weigh me down to sweep!”

Rob: Have you heard the joke about the garbage truck?
Bert: Yes, but I heard it’s only a load of rubbish.

Moving silent here and there
fixing my world without a thank you
your hands are rough from the work you do
your back aches low and muscles sore
your broom shows evidence of work unseen
the hallways shine and rooms always clean
the gum I stuck under my chair
doesn’t get to tarry long there
you fight the woes of teens day in and out
your frustrations make you want to scream
food fights here and ball games there
I walk through your world without care
thank you for the work you’ve done
and will do, for though I may not see you much
I know what you do.
-Author Unknown

Overheard: I did not get my degree in the custodial arts just to be called a janitor!

Riddle: How do you throw away a trash can?
Solution: Easy - just toss it into a garbage container!

National Custodial Workers Recognition Day is on 2 October of each year. Give your custodial worker, janitor, or garbage collector a big thanks. At your school, church, place of employment, shopping center, in your neighborhood, and at a variety of other places, the custodial support staff is quietly at work and often unnoticed. They work during the day, in the nighttime, and on weekends and holidays. They are the workers who clean and keep in good repair the facility that you enjoy. They clear away the trash and grime. They seldom get recognition. Take a minute on this day, to seek out custodial workers at your facility. Give them a big “Thank you” for all that they do to keep the facility sparkling and running like a top. If you are a custodial worker, we wish you a very happy National Custodial Workers Day!

Pete: Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
Pamela: Because he swept her off her feet!

“The custodian (Alice Casey) was coming down the hallway with a loud clunky trash can on wheels, and the snake was coming the opposite way in the same hallway. They both froze and she said she didn’t know which one was more afraid.” -Nancy Moore

“Janitorial service: Grand Ole Mopry.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)

“You are not ready to be the President until you are ready to be the Janitor.” -Steve McKee

Garbage can: A container for dogs, put out once a week to test their ingenuity. They must stand on their hind legs and try to push the lid off with their nose. However, pushing the whole thing over usually makes the contents more easily accessible. When done right, they are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to chew on, and moldy crusts of bread.

Man: How’s business?
Garbage Collector: It’s picking up.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You clean up after me -
So I’d like to thank you.
-Author Unknown: Valentine’s Day card for a janitor

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” -Author Unknown

Garbage man: Sanitation engineer.

The preceding fun is dedicated to anyone who works for a living at a difficult job, often doing things they would rather not do. We salute you, and encourage you to continue reaching for what you want in life. And, for anyone who thinks badly of these people, consider not speaking badly of janitors and garbage collectors and other folks until after you have personally tried the work they do for at least a month to learn what it is really all about - if you can even manage to do it for that long, which you probably will not be able to, because doing long lonely hours of hard work for low wages and no appreciation, while dealing with frequent belittling from people who believe they are better than you, is not easy on the human spirit. These are the people who do not know the meaning of the word quit; they are the people who stick with things for the long haul. Still, they can and do, as we always say, MFOL! (Make Fun Of Life!)

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Farming

1/13/2019

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Farming

Farming has always brought me peace,
     It’s a partnership with God -
I plant the seeds, He makes them grow
     Where before there was only sod.

Through hot summer days I cultivate,
     He sends sun and rain -
Then when autumn cools the air
     There’s harvest of golden grain.

by Rea Williams

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Why I Like Business

12/2/2018

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Why I Like Business

I like business because it is competitive. Business keeps books. The books are the score cards. Profit is the measure of accomplishment, not the ideal measure, but the most practical that can be devised.

I like business because it compels earnestness. Amateurs and dilettantes are shoved out. Once in you must fight for survival or be carried to the sidelines.

I like business because it requires courage. Cowards do not get to first base.

I like business because it demands faith. Faith in human nature, faith in one’s self, faith in one’s customers, faith in one’s employees.

I like business because it is the essence of life. Dreams are good, poetical fancies are good, but bread must be baked today, trains must move today, bills must be collected today, payrolls met today. Business feeds, clothes, and houses man.

I like business because it rewards deeds and not words.

I like business because it does not neglect today’s task while it is thinking about tomorrow.

I like business because it undertakes to please, not to reform.

I like business because it is orderly.

I like business because it is bold in enterprise.

I like business because it is honestly selfish, thereby avoiding the hypocrisy and sentimentality of the unselfish mind.

I like business because it is promptly penalized for its mistakes, shiftlessness, and inefficiency.

I like business because its philosophy works.

I like business because each day is a fresh, adventure.

by William Feather: as published in the “Herald-Times Reporter” (21 July 1927), page 3; a newspaper of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, United States of America

William Arthur Feather was born on 25 August 1889 in Jamestown, New York, United States of America. He was married to Ruth Elizabeth Presley on 30 October 1912, and together the couple had two children. He became a publisher and a writer. He spent much of his life in Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America, where he owned a profitable printing business and published, “The William Feather Magazine.” William Arthur Feather passed on at 91 years of age on 7 January 1981.

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Barbers And Hairstylists

10/10/2018

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Picture of a barber using electric shears to cut a man’s hair outdoors, with green leafy trees in the background.

“Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who occasionally cuts and styles hair.” -Author Unknown

Becca: Are you getting a new hairdo for the party?
Bella: No, I’m having a henna-do.
Becca: What’s a henna-do?
Bella: It runs around and goes, “Cluck, cluck, cluck!”

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” -Fran Lebowitz (Frances Ann ‘Fran’ Lebowitz (born 1950))

Neil: What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut?
Nellie: About three days.

Sudden Awakening

A clergyman told from his text
How Samson was scissored and vexed.
     Then a barber arose
     From his sweet Sunday doze,
Got rattled, and shouted, “Who’s next?”

by Author Unknown

A fellow rushed into a barbershop. “Cut everything short,” he said. “Hair, whiskers - and conversation.”

“Hair is vitally personal to children. They weep vigorously when it is cut for the first time; no matter how it grows, bushy, straight or curly, they feel they are being shorn of a part of their personality.” -Charlie Chaplin (Charles Spencer ‘Charlie’ Chaplin (1889 - 1977))

Tonsurephobia is a persistent fear of haircuts. ‘Tonsurephobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘tonsore’ meaning ‘to cut’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ It is a common fear in young children and to a lesser extent in adults. Some barbers give free lollipops or free combs to children to try to make the experience less scary for them.

Fern: What kind of haircuts to bees get?
Fran: Buzzzzzcuts.

Hair dresser (hare dres•er), noun: A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.

I went to the barbershop the other day. The barber looked at my hair and said, “Sir, this is a comb, not a magic wand.”

Marv: Why did the barber win the race?
Merv: He knew a short cut.

“When you own a pair of haircutting scissors, you cut your own hair constantly.” - Emily Weiss

A woman’s conversation about a haircut: Oh! That is so cute! Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Oh goodness no! No, it’s perfect. I would love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Oh, that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. A man’s conversation about a haircut: Haircut? Yep.

“Brylcreem - a little dab’ll do ya.” -Author Unknown: advertising slogan for Brylcreem hair lotion

A barbershop owner put up a sign in response to the fancy salon down the street. The sign read, “Why pay forty dollars? We give haircuts for eight dollars.” The salon owner responded by putting up a sign that read, “We repair eight-dollar haircuts!”

“Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.” -Author Unknown

Barbershop

When you visit the barber
     And sit in his chair,
     Don’t squirm
     Like a worm
While he’s cutting your hair.
     Don’t shiver
     And quiver
And bounce up and down.
     Don’t shuffle
     And snuffle
And act like a clown.
     Each wiggle
     Will jiggle
The blades of the shears.
     Clip-clip,
     Clip-clip.
Those scissors can slip
     And snip
     Off a tip
Of one of your tender pink ears!

by Martin Gardner

Barber Shop: A place to go to when things get hairy.

A famous Hollywood actor went to a stylist and asked for a great haircut. The actor would be going to London for a command performance and would be meeting the Queen. The stylist did his best. A few weeks later the actor returned. Back in the stylist chair, he described his trip. The flight over to England was magnificent. In London, he had had three gorgeous days. The command performance had gone splendidly. After the show, he had been granted a private audience with the Queen. The stylist said, “Tell me what happened, tell me!” The actor said, “The Queen leaned over to me and said, ‘Who gave you that horrible haircut?’”

“Hairstylist: A person who is amazing when good, and horrible when bad.” -Author Unknown

Sign seen on a barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hairstylist will be here.

And then there was the hippie who finally decided he needed to get a haircut, because he was tired of falling flat on his face every time his hair became tangled up with his toes.

“Even the worst haircut eventually grows out.” -Lisa Kogan

Arnie: What man shaves twenty times a day?
Arnold: A barber.

“You can make a lot of mistakes with hair because it grows back.” -Paul Rudd

“Young man, take a haircut; you look like a chrysanthemum.” -P. G. Wodehouse (Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (1881 - 1975))

A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, District of Columbia, United States of America. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.” The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve Senators in front of the door.

Waldo: Where do sheep go to get sheared?
Oswald: The baa-baa shop.

11 March of every year is National Haircut Day. If you have a skilled barber or hairstylist, you won’t have to wear a hat on 12 March.

“As you grow older and wiser, the hairs that sprout from your body also grow older and wiser, making them more difficult to cut or trim. They learn to watch for you coming at them with trimmers and scissors, and they deftly move ever-so-slightly, escaping the consequences of those sharply edged cutting tools. If it helps, you can try to pretend that this isn’t so.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)

Eclipse, verb: What an English Cockney barber does for a living.

Son: Dad, did you get a haircut?
Dad: No I got them all cut.

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” - Author Unknown

Miserly tip: The best part of cutting your own hair is that you do not have to tip the barber - who is, of course, yourself.

Sally: Why did the rabbit go to the barbershop?
Sammy: To get a ‘harecut.’

There is a young schoolboy named Jason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
     When he stands in one place,
     With a scarf round his face,
It’s a mystery which way he’s facing.
-Author Unknown

“I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.” -Mitch Hedberg (Mitchell Lee ‘Mitch’ Hedberg (1968 - 2005))

Phil: Do you think I need a haircut?
Len: Is there ever a time when you don’t need one?

“Don’t ask the barber whether you need a haircut.” -Daniel Greenberg

A ringlet is a type of hairstyle achieved by wrapping a lock of hair around the length of a thin curling iron, and it can also be sported naturally by people with sufficiently tightly curled hair. Ringlets are also known as tube curls. Child actress Shirley Temple was famous for her ringleted hair, which was styled every day by her mother.

The Barber

He cuts our hair
     And shaves our face,
And talks and talks
     With ease and grace.

by Author Unknown

You are in a better place now . . . welcome to MFOL! . . . we have much more humor and inspiration for you on a huge variety of topics on the website, and we add new material regularly, so be sure to visit often.

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Volunteers

10/1/2018

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Picture of volunteers unloading food and medical supplies from a vehicle.

Volunteers

Valuable is the work you do.
Outstanding in how you always come through.
Loyal, sincere and full of good cheer,
Untiring in your efforts throughout the year.
Notable are the contributions you make,
Trustworthy in every project you take.
Eager to reach your every goal,
Effective in the way you fulfill your role.
Ready with a smile like a shining star,
Special and wonderful - that’s what you are.

by Author Unknown: acrostic poem
(An acrostic poem or list is one in which the first letters of each line combine to spell a word or phrase.)

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The Spirit of Work

9/28/2018

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The Spirit of Work

A this momentous point of time, when the Old Year and the New Year are blending imperceptibly into that mystic web of human history called Past and Present, what says the dial of our destiny? On what figure in the round of man’s life and progress does the rising sun of the Future shed its clearest and most commanding ray? Let us look up and see! Let us lift our eyes from our dreary self-absorption and miserable personal and petty cares, let us read the shining numeral that marks our immediate national duty Work! Work is the center from which all the lines of a nation’s power and prosperity radiate; and work is, with us, the burning topic of the day. Work that is urgently sought and demanded; work that needs doing; work waiting to be taken strenuously in hand; work that must and shall be done, or all the forces of God and Nature will demand why it is left undone! Before all rulers, priests, statesmen, and people in our Empire lies a vast field of labor a field in which as yet so little of the soil has been tilled, and so scanty the grain which has been sown, that such harvest as may be gathered in is well-nigh profitless. Work is, to a certain extent, slowly going on, but the real ‘spirit’ of work is almost, if not entirely, lacking. And success is impossible in any undertaking, unless one has all one’s heart and soul in the means whereby success is attained. The simplest task has its result in something satisfactory, if per formed by a cheerful and willing worker, while the most brilliant opportunities of high achievement are stultified and rendered nil by a laggard, reluctant, or prejudiced humor. The ‘spirit’ of work must be centered in work before any work can be done worth doing.

There are certain persons of singular and altogether diseased mind who look upon work as a hardship scarcely to be borne. These are the outcasts of Nature. For if we faithfully study Nature, our divine Mother, we find that never for a single second does she know any cessation of toil. Forever and ever she patiently essays to teach us, her children, the secret of her beauty, her fruitfulness, her wisdom; and forever and ever we turn aside, striving in puny fashion to oppose ourselves to her immutable laws while creating impracticable ones of our own. She shows us that the loveliness of land and sea, the blossoming of trees and flowers, the plumage of birds and butterflies, the formation of precious gems in the rocks and among the shells of the ocean, are all the result of Work. The diamond is the brilliant effect of patient conformation to the necessary elements of its composition in the mine. The pearl is merely the proof of laborious effort on the part of a poor bivalve to mend a wound in its shell. When with the coming spring we see the first dainty aconites breaking the dark ground into gold, we know they have been ‘working’ their way through the earth determinedly, moved by the divine instinct and desire of light. Strange it is that we cannot at least do our work as well as these simple organisms which passively obey the Divine Command! We judge ourselves ‘superior’ to them; but in that we cannot or will not do our ‘work’ so well, we are inferior. We have less patience than the diamond; less adaptability than the oyster; less courage than the aconite. The particular kind of work which we perhaps find ready to our hand to do, does not suit our ‘convenience.’ We are too ‘great’ for anything that savors of the ‘menial.’ The duties to which honor, conscience, and self-respect bind us are ‘narrow’ or ‘monotonous.’ We want to be something we are not, and for which we were never intended to be; and like the fabled frog who sought to become a bull, we burst ourselves with an inflated idea of our own value. The famous Quentin Matsys was a blacksmith. But he did not scorn the blacksmith’s trade or the blacksmith’s shop: he raised the smithy work to the height of his own creative genius, as is testified to this day by his exquisitely fashioned iron fountain in the Cathedral Square of Antwerp. Benvenuto Cellini was a metal worker, and his ‘trade’ was his joy. He was content to stick to his trade; and to design such marvels of work in his trade, that his name has come down to us in our generation as one of the few among the masters of art in the world.

In Great Britain there is, most unfortunately, a certain ‘class’ contempt for ‘trades.’ The worker in any one of them is hampered on all sides; and his individuality, if he happens to possess any, is too frequently condemned and repressed. The man who is occupied in a trade is called a ‘common’ man. Many folks among us are a great deal too fond of this word ‘common.’ They use it on all occasions, in and out of season depreciatively, or contemptuously. They have a fastidious abhorrence for ‘common’ things. They dislike the ‘common’ people. The brave soul who has climbed inch by inch up the ladder of prosperity, beginning at the very lowest rung and arriving success fully at the top, receives but a grudging meed of praise ‘he comes of common family’ he is quite a ‘common’ person! This expression ‘common’ is a favorite one with the sort of people who are found languishing idly among the ‘hangers-on’ of ‘county’ magnates, striving to claim kinship (through some pre-Adamite ‘family connection’) with a lord, or a duke, or some such human toy of material circumstance; and preferring to pass their time generally in disseminating stupid scandal and mischievous gossip, rather than mix with ‘common’ everyday honest men and women who have work to do in the world, and who honestly do it. Among them are most of the toadies, time-servers, and hypocrites of the community; creatures who crawl before a trumpery ‘title’ as abjectly as a beaten cur trails its body along in the dust under the whip of its master, and who have neither the courage nor the perception to see that there is nothing in God’s universe that we dare call ‘common.’ Every smallest particle of creation, from a star to a dewdrop, is designed to be perfect in itself, and individually adapted to individual uses. We may not rightly call any man, woman, or child ‘common,’ except in so far as they belong to our ‘common’ humanity, and share with us the joys of the ‘common’ sunshine, the ‘common’ fresh air, the privilege of a ‘common’ grave, and the right of a ‘common’ faith in God. And the ‘common’ man who has worked, and through work alone has performed the un-‘common’ feat of raising himself from the low to the high, is far more to be admired and respected than he who, born to the heritage of millions, trifles away his time in idle squandering and foolish dissipation. Nature marks this latter class of wealthy ‘loafers’ so that we may know them. Their banking-accounts may be written in raised letters of gold, but on their faces we read in unmistakable characters what may be called a ‘Public Warning.’ The man who himself works for his own, is a much healthier type of humanity than the man who merely takes what others have made for him.

There is no degradation in any sort of work. The field-laborer turning the heavy clods of earth, in preparation for the sowing of grain, is every whit as noble as the student who, by patient research, prepares the way for a harvest of fresh scientific discovery, always providing that the true ‘spirit’ of work is in both men. For the ‘spirit’ of work is the love of work; it is the bending of all one’s energies, for love’s sake, upon the particular task we have in hand. With love all things are easy; without love, the smallest duty becomes burdensome. There is no reason why another Benvenuto Cellini should not arise in the metal trade, no cause why another Michael Angelo should not paint ceilings in fresco. We are frequently shamed, not so much by the enterprise of other nations, as by our own idleness and inefficiency. We make a great clamor about ‘gentility’ a form of snobbishness more prevalent in the British Islands than anywhere else. Many a working-man’s wife would rather place her sons as clerks in city offices than apprentice them to a useful trade, because she foolishly imagines clerks are ‘gentlemen,’ forgetting that ‘gentlemen’ are not made by position, but by conduct. Every so-called ‘gentleman’ in the land would be much the better for learning some trade before considering his education completed. No trade is, of itself, contemptible; each branch offers its own chances of new discovery and higher development, depending on the invention, ambition, energy, and resource of those employed in it. Thought and perseverance in a worker are bound to raise whatever work he or she is employed in to an art. Personally speaking, I am bound to say that I have never found any one who is really clever, trustworthy, and persevering, in any trade or profession, among the ‘Unemployed.’ The real lovers of work seem always to have enough, and more than enough, work to do. I endorse every word recently written by a clever American writer who, discussing the ‘Unemployed,’ and the men who declare they have ‘no chance nowadays,’ says: ‘I do not believe that life is more difficult than it used to be. To-day, perhaps, you may have to know French, shorthand, or typewriting among the means of livelihood. But to learn them all does not require a greater sacrifice of brain power than was required of our grandfathers to learn reading and writing. They often had to walk six miles there and six miles back from a school, and when they had learnt an accomplishment the ‘competition’ was ‘fearful.’ At the bottom of much of this modern outcry of the terrible difficulties of life nowadays, there appears to me to be a good deal of self-conceit, when the cry is raised by a successful man, and of self-excuse when the cry is used by an unsuccessful man. The former likes to impress upon you that he has done something heroic; the latter that he has failed simply because nobody could have succeeded.

‘The world seems overstocked with everything,’ a gloomy-minded man remarked to Lord Palmerston. ‘I can tell you some things that the world has never enough of,’ replied Palmerston, ‘and that it is always willing to pay for: intelligence, honesty, courage, and perseverance. In these the supply will never exceed the demand.’

Intelligence, honesty, courage, and perseverance are never found in the worker who does not truly love his work. Love brings all the virtues in its train. Love means earnest concentration on the thing beloved. Goethe’s inspiring lines should animate the mind and brace the energies of every worker:

Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute,
Whatever you can do, or dream you can begin it;
Boldness has genius, power, magic in it;
Only engage, and then the mind grows heated;
Begin! and then the work will be completed.

Nature never knows ‘short hours.’ She works at midnight as steadily as she does at mid-day. In the very sleep of her manifold creatures she has designed a working remedial system by which the wear and tear of brain and body shall be repaired. I doubt if any living organism in the whole vast Cosmos ever seeks a holiday save Man. I have often marveled that so sagacious a person as ‘St. Lubbock,’ now Lord Avebury, should have instituted ‘Bank Holidays’ for men, seeing that he has studied the habits and customs of bees. When we complain of working ‘over-time,’ we are really proclaiming ourselves as inferior to the ants and beetles. When we indulge ourselves in idleness and ‘loafing’ we are doing something diametrically opposed to all the laws of the universe. What wonder then if the secret forces of that universe forces whose vast movements we only as yet dimly realize should cast us out among the unfit and ‘Unemployed’? In the bird-world, if one of the feathered community refuses to work for its own living, it is quickly dispatched, as an abnormal and diseased creature. And there is not the slightest doubt that voluntary idleness is nothing less than a morbid growth in the mind, as devastating as a cancer in the body. Nowadays we find scores of people bent on ‘amusing’ themselves. ‘How are you going to ‘amuse’ yourself?’ is a daily question, or ‘What shall we do to kill time and ‘amuse’ ourselves?’ Nobody seems to grasp the fact that in Work, and work alone, is the source of both ‘amusement’ and happiness, as well as of prosperity and power. As for ‘killing time,’ that is a criminal act, for every moment is precious to those who know how to use it honestly. By-and-by our little clocks in this world must stop, and we shall be spared no more of the golden minutes, laden with blessing, opportunity, and love, which, while we live, are given to us freely from the treasuries of God. To ‘kill’ one of them is to murder a living thing.

Certain it is, however, that ‘amusement,’ or what is called by that name, is the fetish of the hour. The wealthy classes of our day set a most mischievous example of time-wasting to the rest of the community, and until they cease to create scandal by their extravagance, licentiousness, sensualism, and luxury, so long will there be discontent and disorder among what we are pleased to call the ‘lower’ majority of the people. If the rich man passes his time in shooting tame partridges and pheasants, the poor man sees no reason why he should not equally pass his time in playing football. He, too, will be ‘amused’ in his way. And supposing football does not appeal to him, he will seek ‘amusement’ in the public-house, getting drunk on the ‘doctored’ beer provided for him by prosperous brewers, of whom some are in Parliament, and some, with the most sublime hypocrisy, profess to support the ‘temperance’ cause. Honest interest in honest work, and the State encouragement of ambition in honest workers, would serve ‘temperance’ better than a million sermons. Government prizes given for specimens of superlative work done by British workmen in British trades would at least show that statesmen thought of something more than their own positions in the House, ‘tea on the Terrace,’ and Bridge, which three things at present would often appear to occupy them, to the forgetfulness of more pressing matters. Aspiration, research, discovery, and invention should be ‘officially’ encouraged and recognized in every trade and profession not checked, repressed, or ‘sneered down.’ For work is not only the making but the preservation of an Empire, arid all those engaged in work merit first consideration from an Empire’s rulers.

A Worker is always a dignified figure. He is the nearest approach to all that we may reverently conceive or guess of God. The Divine Source of Creation must be an ever-working Power. There can be no cessation, no rest from toil, for that prolific Intelligence which creates by a thought and sustains with a breath. Work must needs bring us into unison with Him who hath made us. And if we work faithfully, in the true ‘spirit’ of work, we shall come closer to the Infinite Life of all things, and shall understand, perchance, the deepest, purest meaning and higher intention of our own existence in this world, from which, when our work here is finished, we shall pass to a higher sphere of Labor and a fuller fruition of Love.

by Marie Corelli (1906)

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Clinching the Bolt

8/30/2018

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Clinching the Bolt

It needed just an extra turn to make the bolt secure,
     A few more minutes on the job and then the work was sure;
But he begrudged the extra turn, and when the task was through,
     The man was back for more repairs in just a day or two.

Two men there are in every place, and one is only fair,
     The other gives the extra turn to every bolt that’s there;
One man is slip-shod in his work and eager to be quit,
     The other never leaves a task until he’s sure of it.

The difference ’twixt good and bad is not so very much,
     A few more minutes at the task, an extra turn or touch,
A final test that all is right - and yet the men are few
     Who seem to think it worth their while these extra things to do.

The poor man knows as well as does the good man how to work,
     But one takes pride in every task, the other likes to shirk;
With just as little as he can, one seeks his pay to earn,
     The good man always gives the bolt that clinching, extra turn.

by Edgar A. Guest

Edgar Albert ‘Eddie’ Guest was born on 20 August 1881 in Birmingham, England. He immigrated with his family to the United States of America in 1891. From his first published work in the “Detroit Free Press” until his passing in 1959, he penned some 11,000 poems that were syndicated in 300 newspapers and collected into more than twenty books. Mr. Guest is reputed to have had a new poem published in a newspaper every day for more than thirty years. He became known as ‘The People’s Poet,’ writing poems that were of a sentimental and optimistic nature. Edgar Albert ‘Eddie’ Guest passed on at 77 years of age on 5 August 1959 in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America.

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Lawyers

8/15/2018

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Picture of a page in a legal publication with an article titled, ‘Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself.’

Client, speaking to patent attorney: “I have invented a frozen pop sickle dessert treat that glows in the dark.”
Patent attorney: “Amazing! What’s the secret?”
Client: “I use the water downstream from the shiny new nuclear power plant.”

At a party for professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing because everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get a diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, “How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?” “Simple,” answered the lawyer, “I send them a bill. That stops it.” The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just done, opened his mailbox to send the bills, and inside his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

“Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

“The plaintiff and the defendant took the horns and the tail, and the lawyer drove home the cow.” -Author Unknown

“How to win a case in court: If the law is on your side, pound on the law; if the facts are on your side, pound on the facts; if neither is on your side, pound on the table.” -Author Unknown

A doctor, a dentist, and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them overboard. Unable to get back into their capsized boat, they decided that two of them would hold on while the third would swim to shore for help. The doctor volunteered. The dentist said, “There are hundreds of sharks between here and the land. You’ll get eaten.” Without further words, the attorney took off swimming toward shore. As he swam, the sharks moved aside. The dentist said, “That’s astonishing!” The doctor said, “That’s what real professional courtesy looks like.”

“Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))

“Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?” -George Carlin (George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 - 2008))

“I cannot exactly tell you sir who he is and I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

A trial was about to begin. The judge asked, “Where is the defendant?” One of the jurors stood up. “I’m the defendant.” “What are you doing in the jury box?” “They brought me in with the rest of them.” The judge said, “You can’t be the defendant and be on the jury too.” The defendant smiled and said, “I figured I was a little too lucky!”

A lawyer said to one of his clients, “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate!” His client replied, “Congratulations.”

“I am not so afraid of lawyers as I used to be. They are lambs in wolf’s clothing.” -Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950)

“The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail, if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956))

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, who was an elderly grandmotherly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, you manipulate people, and you talk about people behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, slow, and he has an overeating problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench for a sidebar. In a very quiet voice, the judge said: “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I will put you in jail for contempt!”

“A judge is a lawyer who once knew a politician.” -Author Unknown

“I called my lawyer and said, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said, ‘What’s the second question?’” -Author Unknown

A man called a lawyer and asked, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions?” The lawyer said, “Thirty-eight-hundred dollars.” The man said, “That’s a lot of money, isn’t it?” The lawyer answered, “I guess so. What’s your third question?”

Judge: I sentence you to thirty years in prison.
Defendant: But, judge, I won’t live that long.
Judge: Don’t worry, just do what you can.

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included itemized hourly billings for phone calls, research, conferences, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all . . . $7,615.00.

Jimbo: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Bubba: None; they would rather keep their clients in the dark.

“I’m not an ambulance chaser; I’m usually there before the ambulance.” -Melvin Belli (1907 - 1996)

Mr. Barnaby was in trouble again, and the judge asked him if he was guilty or not guilty. “Guilty, sir, I think - but I’d rather be tried so as to be sure of it.”

Have you heard about the woman who sued a restaurant after spilling a hot cup of tea on her leg and getting badly burned? The judge dismissed the case after ruling that it was only a tea-knee problem and therefore not worth the court’s consideration.

“In law, nothing is certain but the expense.” -Samuel Butler

Interviewer: And what do you do, sir?
Lawyer: I’m a criminal lawyer.
Interviewer: Aren’t they all!

Have you heard about the lawyer’s computer? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))

Lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker, the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.” -Abraham Lincoln (Abraham ‘Abe’ Lincoln (1809 - 1865))

Judge Willis: What do you suppose I am on the bench for, Mr. Smith?
F. E. Smith: It is not for me, Your Honor, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.

“Lawyer: 1. A person who takes this from that, with the result that That hath not where to lay his head. 2. An unnecessary evil. 3. The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Roycroft Dictionary and Book of Epigrams” (1923)

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they ‘garnish’ his wages?

“This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Junior (1841 - 1935)

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?” Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. “No, no,” one replied. “We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.”

“It is a secret worth knowing that lawyers rarely go to law.” -Moses V. Crowell

Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865), the man who would eventually become a President of the United States of America, never passed a bar exam. He was a self-taught lawyer, spending many hours reading books on the law in a time and place in which law schools were not as common as today. He received his license to practice law simply by appearing before a court and having someone testify as to the soundness of his character.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

“Lawyer: one skilled in the circumvention of the law.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))

“Sue a beggar and get a louse.” -John Clarke

“An appeal, Hennessey, is when you ask one court to show contempt for another court.” -Finley Peter Dunne [paraphrased in standard English]
“An appeal, Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show its contempt f’r another coort.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936): “Mr. Dooley Says” (1907), ‘The Big Fine’ [as originally worded]

“I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))

“Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” -Steven Wright (Steven Alexander Wright (born 1955))

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” -Norm Crosby (Norman Lawrence ‘Norm’ Crosby (1927 - 2020))

“The law protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer.” -Author Unknown

“Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger.” -Marcus Valerius Martialis (also known as Martial (between C.E. 38 and C.E. 41 - between C.E. 102 and C.E. 104))

“There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, D.C. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people.” -Sandra Day O’Connor

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?
Defendant: Oral.

“A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.” -Author Unknown

Signs You Might Be a Lawyer
-You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
-You believe that a forty-word-sentence is a short one.
-When your spouse says “I love you,” you cross-examine him or her.
-You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it is verbal or written.
-You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
-When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

Lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

“It is better to exist unknown to the law.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb

“We should be thankful for lawyers. If we didn’t have them, who would get us out of the trouble they got us into?” -Author Unknown

Al: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
Len: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “Were you alone or by yourself?”

“The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))

“A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a ‘brief.’” -Franz Kafka (1883 - 1924)

A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

“If it weren’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.” -A. K. Griffin

Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
Witness: “None.”
Lawyer: “Were there any girls?”

Overheard: I have a brilliant attorney - the other day he got a parking ticket reduced to a charge of treason!

Lawyer: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
Defendant: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

“Talk is cheap - until you hire a lawyer.” -Author Unknown

A lawyer, questioning a person on the witness stand, said, “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

Fun fact: People are not required to be lawyers to become United States Supreme Court Justices.

“It is an honorable calling that you have chosen. Some of you will soon be defending poor, helpless insurance companies who are constantly being sued by greedy, vicious widows and orphans trying to collect on their policies. Others will work tirelessly to protect frightened, beleaguered oil companies from being attacked by depraved consumer groups.” -Art Buchwald: commencement address at Tulane University School of Law (13 May 1979)

“Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.” -Charles Lamb (1775 - 1834)

“A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.” -Henry Peter Brougham (also known as Lord Brougham (1778 - 1868))

Lawyer: “Can you describe the individual?”
Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Lawyer: “Was this person a man or a woman?”

“A lawyer will do anything to win a case; sometimes he will even tell the truth.” -Patrick Murray

“Lawyer: The larval stage of a politician.” -Author Unknown

Mr. Morris needed a lawyer, so he looked at the telephone directory and picked out a law firm called ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz.’ He called up and said, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?” The man said, “No, he’s out playing golf.” Morris said, “All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s not with the firm any more, he’s retired.” “Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s away in Boston, and won’t be back for a month.” “Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz.” He said, “Speaking!”

“Lawyers: Persons with a limited knowledge of laws and a flair for the dramatic, who otherwise might have been barbers.” -Author Unknown

Lawyer: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
Witness: “No, this is just how I usually dress when I go to work.”

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963)): as quoted in “Kentucky State Bar Journal” (1962)

“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))

And then there’s the one about the man who got sued by a lawyer . . . for telling a lawyer joke - we’re kidding!

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Work

8/13/2018

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Work

Work, work, my boy, be not afraid;
     Look labor boldly in the face;
Take up the hammer or the spade,
     And blush not for your humble place.

There’s glory in the shuttle’s song;
     There’s triumph in the anvil’s stroke;
There’s merit in the brave and strong
     Who dig the mine or fell the oak.

The wind disturbs the sleeping lake,
     And bids it ripple pure and fresh;
It moves the green boughs till they make
     Grand music in their leafy mesh.

And so the active breath of life
     Should stir our dull and sluggard wills;
For are we not created rife
     With health, that stagnant torpor kills?

I doubt if he who lolls his head
     Where idleness and plenty meet,
Enjoys his pillow or his bread
     As those who earn the meals they eat.

And man is never half so blest
     As when the busy day is spent
So as to make his evening rest
     A holiday of glad content.

Eliza Cook

Eliza Cook was born on 24 December 1818 in London Road, Southwark, England. She became a poet. Eliza Cook passed on at 70 years of age on 23 September 1889 in Wimbledon, England.

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