“To golf or not to golf? What a silly question.” -Author Unknown
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“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” -P. J. O’Rourke (Patrick Jake O’Rourke (1947))
“What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“Golf is a game in which you yell, ‘Fore!’ shoot six, and write down five.” -Paul Harvey (1918 - 2009): as quoted in Jack Mingo: “Wannabe Guide to Golf” (1997)
The Golfer
“Who’s that stranger, mother dear -
Look, he knows us, ain’t that queer?”
“Hush, my own, don’t talk so wild;
That’s your father, dearest child.”
“That’s my father? No such thing!
Father died away last Spring.”
“Father didn’t die, you dub;
Father joined a golfing club.
Now the place is closed, so he
Has no place to go, you see.
No place left for him to roam,
That is why he’s coming home.
Kiss him, he won’t bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild.”
By Author Unknown: as published in “Boardwalk Illustrated News”
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“The holes are numbered.” -Jack Nicklaus (Jack William Nicklaus (born 1940)): responding to the question, “You really know your way around a course. What’s your secret?”
“Success in golf depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Questions And Queries Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” -P. J. O’Rourke (Patrick Jake O’Rourke (1947))
“What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“Golf is a game in which you yell, ‘Fore!’ shoot six, and write down five.” -Paul Harvey (1918 - 2009): as quoted in Jack Mingo: “Wannabe Guide to Golf” (1997)
The Golfer
“Who’s that stranger, mother dear -
Look, he knows us, ain’t that queer?”
“Hush, my own, don’t talk so wild;
That’s your father, dearest child.”
“That’s my father? No such thing!
Father died away last Spring.”
“Father didn’t die, you dub;
Father joined a golfing club.
Now the place is closed, so he
Has no place to go, you see.
No place left for him to roam,
That is why he’s coming home.
Kiss him, he won’t bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild.”
By Author Unknown: as published in “Boardwalk Illustrated News”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Homes And Families Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The holes are numbered.” -Jack Nicklaus (Jack William Nicklaus (born 1940)): responding to the question, “You really know your way around a course. What’s your secret?”
“Success in golf depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.” -Ben Hogan (William Ben Hogan (1912 - 1997))
Two men were starting a game of golf. One man stepped up to the tee, and his first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. The other man stepped up to the tee and said, “Okay, now I’ll take my practice swing and then we’ll start the game.”
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“The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” -Phyllis Diller (pseudonym of Phyllis Ada Driver (1917 - 2012))
A golfer walked into the pro shop at a local course and asked the golf pro if they sold ball markers. The golf pro said they did, and they were $1.00 each. The guy gave the golf pro a dollar . . . The golf pro opened the register, put the dollar in, pulled out a quarter coin, and handed it to the golfer.
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What is the origin of the word ‘caddie’? When Mary, later to become Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl, allegedly for education as well as survival, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot’s game called golf. So, for her enjoyment, he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built. To make sure she was properly chaperoned and guarded while she played, the kingly Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot, and when she returned to Scotland, which may not have been a very good idea in the long run, she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day,’ which the Scots changed to ‘caddie.’
“Caddies are people who are paid to enjoy the game of golf.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“You can’t call it a sport. You don’t run, jump, you don’t shoot, you don’t pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don’t match.” -Steve Sax (Stephen Louis ‘Steve’ Sax (born 1960))
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Golf balls have dimples to reduce drag, thus allowing them to fly further than perfectly smooth balls would. The dimples also give personality to the otherwise plain-looking spherical objects.
Two men were starting a game of golf. One man stepped up to the tee, and his first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. The other man stepped up to the tee and said, “Okay, now I’ll take my practice swing and then we’ll start the game.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Beginning And Starting Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” -Phyllis Diller (pseudonym of Phyllis Ada Driver (1917 - 2012))
A golfer walked into the pro shop at a local course and asked the golf pro if they sold ball markers. The golf pro said they did, and they were $1.00 each. The guy gave the golf pro a dollar . . . The golf pro opened the register, put the dollar in, pulled out a quarter coin, and handed it to the golfer.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Money Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
What is the origin of the word ‘caddie’? When Mary, later to become Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl, allegedly for education as well as survival, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot’s game called golf. So, for her enjoyment, he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built. To make sure she was properly chaperoned and guarded while she played, the kingly Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot, and when she returned to Scotland, which may not have been a very good idea in the long run, she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day,’ which the Scots changed to ‘caddie.’
“Caddies are people who are paid to enjoy the game of golf.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“You can’t call it a sport. You don’t run, jump, you don’t shoot, you don’t pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don’t match.” -Steve Sax (Stephen Louis ‘Steve’ Sax (born 1960))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Shopping Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Golf balls have dimples to reduce drag, thus allowing them to fly further than perfectly smooth balls would. The dimples also give personality to the otherwise plain-looking spherical objects.
“I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
“William Howard Taft (1857 - 1930) was the first golfer to become an American President. If you work hard to improve your golf game, perhaps you too might one day become an American President.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.” -Princess Anne of Great Britain
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“If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.” -Thomas Mulligan
Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers - no, we are not making this stuff up. Cattle and chickens once played an important role in the game of golf.
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“Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.” -Jack Nicklaus (Jack William Nicklaus (born 1940)): commenting on why he tees his ball high
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” -Jim Bishop
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“One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.” -Dave Kindred
Margot: How do you fix a broken golf club?
Margaret: Try some putty.
“The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that, he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -Author Unknown: attributed to a member of the Saint Andrews Rotary Club
“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
“William Howard Taft (1857 - 1930) was the first golfer to become an American President. If you work hard to improve your golf game, perhaps you too might one day become an American President.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.” -Princess Anne of Great Britain
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“If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.” -Thomas Mulligan
Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers - no, we are not making this stuff up. Cattle and chickens once played an important role in the game of golf.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read History Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.” -Jack Nicklaus (Jack William Nicklaus (born 1940)): commenting on why he tees his ball high
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” -Jim Bishop
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Marriage And Marrying Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.” -Dave Kindred
Margot: How do you fix a broken golf club?
Margaret: Try some putty.
“The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that, he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -Author Unknown: attributed to a member of the Saint Andrews Rotary Club
“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
Some people like to combine golf and messin’ with ‘gators into a single sport. It can be tricky though, ’cause alligators are known to play their game by a completely different rulebook.
“The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.” -Sam Snead, champion professional golfer
“Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.” -Author Unknown
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“If it goes right, it’s a slice, if it goes left, it’s a hook, if it goes straight, it’s a miracle!” -Author Unknown
“If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956))
“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” -Harry Vardon
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Kay: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Jay: Just in case he got a hole in one.
Hole In One
A golfer who hailed from Verdun
Was intent on not being outdone.
To avoid any glitches,
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
By Author Unknown
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“The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.” -Sam Snead, champion professional golfer
“Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.” -Author Unknown
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“If it goes right, it’s a slice, if it goes left, it’s a hook, if it goes straight, it’s a miracle!” -Author Unknown
“If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.” -H. L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken (1880 - 1956))
“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” -Harry Vardon
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Kay: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Jay: Just in case he got a hole in one.
Hole In One
A golfer who hailed from Verdun
Was intent on not being outdone.
To avoid any glitches,
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
By Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Limericks Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Why do golf balls have dimples? Dimples reduce drag and generate lift, allowing golf balls to travel further through the air.
How many dimples are on golf balls? Golf balls typically have between 300 and 500 dimples, with an average of 336 dimples. To allow for innovation, the number of dimples is not set by any governing body in golf. Rather, other measurements of golf balls are set, which in turn tends to determine the number of dimples. The United States Golf Association and The R & A state that a ball must have a diameter, or distance across, of at least 1.680 inches and weigh no less than 1.620 ounces. Additionally, golf balls must be spherically symmetrical, having a dimple pattern that is the same no matter how the ball is oriented or where the axis on which it spins is located.
So, if the dimples on golf balls help reduce drag and generate lift so that golf balls can travel further through the air, why don’t aircraft and automobiles have dimples . . . hmmm . . . better go ask your grandfather, he might know!
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So, if the dimples on golf balls help reduce drag and generate lift so that golf balls can travel further through the air, why don’t aircraft and automobiles have dimples . . . hmmm . . . better go ask your grandfather, he might know!
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“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Adam: I’d move Heaven and Earth to break my 110 score.
Dan: Try moving just Heaven. You’ve already moved plenty of earth.
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” -Bob Hope (Leslie Townes Hope (1903 - 2003))
“There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.” -Lee Trevino (Lee Buck Trevino (born 1939))
Laddie: What kind of shirts do golfers wear?
Lassie: Tee-shirts.
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“You can hit a two-acre fairway ten percent of the time and a two-inch branch ninety percent of the time.” -Author Unknown
“The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.” -John Updike (John Hoyer Updike (1932 - 2009))
Adam: I’d move Heaven and Earth to break my 110 score.
Dan: Try moving just Heaven. You’ve already moved plenty of earth.
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” -Bob Hope (Leslie Townes Hope (1903 - 2003))
“There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.” -Lee Trevino (Lee Buck Trevino (born 1939))
Laddie: What kind of shirts do golfers wear?
Lassie: Tee-shirts.
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“You can hit a two-acre fairway ten percent of the time and a two-inch branch ninety percent of the time.” -Author Unknown
“The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.” -John Updike (John Hoyer Updike (1932 - 2009))
Miniature golf courses often offer features not found on more-traditional golf courses, such as the active volcano shown above. Miniature golf is also known as mini-golf or putt-putt golf.
A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
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Overheard: The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
“The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” -P. G. Wodehouse (Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (1881 - 1975))
“Long ago, when primitive people screamed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called ‘witchcraft.’ When modern man does the same, they call it ‘golf.’” -Author Unknown
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“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” -Jack Lemmon (1925 - 2001)
The May 1990 issue of “Golf” magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and “Golf” magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April Fool’s joke, despite its placement in the May issue. “Golf” magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.
“Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man.” -Westbrook Pegler
“The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.” -Author Unknown
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A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Word Spellings Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Overheard: The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
“The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” -P. G. Wodehouse (Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (1881 - 1975))
“Long ago, when primitive people screamed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called ‘witchcraft.’ When modern man does the same, they call it ‘golf.’” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Witchery And Witching Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” -Jack Lemmon (1925 - 2001)
The May 1990 issue of “Golf” magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and “Golf” magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April Fool’s joke, despite its placement in the May issue. “Golf” magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.
“Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man.” -Westbrook Pegler
“The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.” -Author Unknown
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Although occasional mishaps do happen in golf, the game still has one of the lowest casualty rates among competitive sports.
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“The aim of golf is to get the ball moving down the fairway and into the green or some such fool thing - and if your aim is exceptional, to knock honking geese, flying insects, buzzing airplanes, stalking drones, and spying satellites right out of the sky.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.” -Dave Stockton
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“Misty: How golfers create divots.” -Author Unknown
“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” -William Wordsworth (1770 - 1850)
“Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?” -Al Boliska
“Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn’t find it.” -Author Unknown: overheard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot
“Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the Universe.” -Author Unknown
“I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.” -Jim Dent
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“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.” -Grantland Rice (Henry Grantland ‘Grantland’ Rice (1880 - 1954))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Accidents And Safety Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The aim of golf is to get the ball moving down the fairway and into the green or some such fool thing - and if your aim is exceptional, to knock honking geese, flying insects, buzzing airplanes, stalking drones, and spying satellites right out of the sky.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.” -Dave Stockton
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“Misty: How golfers create divots.” -Author Unknown
“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” -William Wordsworth (1770 - 1850)
“Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?” -Al Boliska
“Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn’t find it.” -Author Unknown: overheard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot
“Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the Universe.” -Author Unknown
“I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.” -Jim Dent
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Mail And Postal Services Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.” -Grantland Rice (Henry Grantland ‘Grantland’ Rice (1880 - 1954))
“‘Play it as it lies’ is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is ‘Wear it if it clashes.’” -Henry Beard: “Golfing” (1985)
“Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.” -Ken Venturi: commenting on Art Rosenbaum
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” -Gary Player (Gary James Player (born 1935)): as quoted in Jim Apfelbaum: “The Gigantic Book of Golf Quotations: Thousands of Notable Quotables from Tommy Armour to Fuzzy Zoeller” (2007), page 26
“One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water.” - Lee Trevino (Lee Buck Trevino (born 1939)): commenting about how he was one under during a tournament
“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” -Pete Dye
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“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan (William Ben Hogan (1912 - 1997))
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“Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. It satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening - it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.” -Author Unknown
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“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” -Ben Hogan (William Ben Hogan (1912 - 1997)), referencing the Twenty-Third Psalm of the Bible
We are MFOL! . . . and we have invented our very own variation on the game of golf: we call it ‘goof’ and it is played with goofballs . . . or perhaps by goofballs . . . what’s that . . . golfers say we are not funny in the least . . .
“Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.” -Ken Venturi: commenting on Art Rosenbaum
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” -Gary Player (Gary James Player (born 1935)): as quoted in Jim Apfelbaum: “The Gigantic Book of Golf Quotations: Thousands of Notable Quotables from Tommy Armour to Fuzzy Zoeller” (2007), page 26
“One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water.” - Lee Trevino (Lee Buck Trevino (born 1939)): commenting about how he was one under during a tournament
“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” -Pete Dye
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“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan (William Ben Hogan (1912 - 1997))
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“Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. It satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening - it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.” -Author Unknown
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“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer (Arnold Daniel Palmer (1929 - 2016))
“May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” -Ben Hogan (William Ben Hogan (1912 - 1997)), referencing the Twenty-Third Psalm of the Bible
We are MFOL! . . . and we have invented our very own variation on the game of golf: we call it ‘goof’ and it is played with goofballs . . . or perhaps by goofballs . . . what’s that . . . golfers say we are not funny in the least . . .
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