Correspondence

Why Am I So Tired?

4/5/2024

Why Am I So Tired?

Dear Friend,

Why am I so tired? For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, iron deficiency, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why. The population of this country is 310 million. 177 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with national defense. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, sitting in your comfy chair at your computer, reading funny stories on www.MakeFunOfLife.net.

Sincerely,

Your Friend

By Author Unknown

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Note from Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck

12/17/2018

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Note from Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my twenty breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret - I didn’t have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long - I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○● Reply from Erma Bombeck ●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○

Dear Martha,

I am writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I’m twenty minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how do they do that?

Still can’t find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.

Oh, don’t use the Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles regurgitation! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love,

Erma

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Letter from the Tooth Fairy

11/28/2018

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Letter from the Tooth Fairy

Dear ____________:

Sorry, but due to the massive quantity of children loosing teeth, we have had to resort to a form letter. Please forgive.

Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are amusing
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to a loud, frightening snoring noises coming from the room
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernail and toenail clippings
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating cat at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the Tooth Fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
    [ ] gunpowder residue
    [ ] hammer and chisel marks
    [ ] jackhammer dents
    [ ] no dental care
    [ ] pliers
     [ ] string
( ) Other:____________________________

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

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A Letter from Camp

3/3/2018

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A Letter from Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on television and worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what?

We have all passed our first aid merit badges.

When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I got sick with the stomachache. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters.

Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Matt

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Bricklayer's Accident Report

3/3/2018

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Bricklayer’s Accident Report

(The following is a follow-up letter to a bricklayer’s accident report.)

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put ‘Poor Planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 pounds. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 pounds of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

The empty 50 pound barrel, weighing more than the rope I had let go, fell rapidly to earth, resulting in the two broken forearms and wrists when I raised my arms to protect myself.

I hope this information satisfactorily fulfills your request for further information.

Sincerely,

-James Henry Mason

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The Zookeeper's Letter

3/3/2018

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The Zookeeper’s Letter

Due to a recent expansion, one enclosure had been left empty at a zoo. The zookeeper thought long and hard about what type of animal would be suitable to bring in for it. He started to write the following letter to a neighboring zoo:

Dear Sirs,

We have an empty enclosure after completing the expansion of our zoo. Could you please send us two mongeese.

He was not sure that sounded right so he scratched it out and wrote ‘mongi.’

That still did not sound right, and so the letter that eventually went out read as follows:

Dear Sirs,

We have an empty enclosure after completing the expansion of our zoo. Could you please send us a mongoose.

Yours sincerely,

The Zookeeper

P.S.: Could you please send us another?

-Author Unknown

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Why Am I So Tired?

Note from Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck

​Letter from the Tooth Fairy

A Letter from Camp

Bricklayer's Accident Report

The Zookeeper's Letter

Letter from the Tooth Fairy