Warning: Not for the faint of heart . . . turn back now!
When the Spider Met the Elevator
The itsy-bitsy spider
Crawled up the elevator shaft
Down came the elevator
And cut the spider in half.
by David Hugh Beaumont (inspired by the “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” song)
Doctor: I have bad news. You have a fatal disease.
Patient: How long do I have to live, doctor?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven . . .
Epitaphs
Here lies what’s left of little Jimmy Burdette -
He never read the directions to his chemistry set.
Here lies the body of Captain M. Moat -
He should have fixed that hole in his boat.
Here lies the body of Darcy Dators -
Her big mistake was feeding those gators.
Here lies the body of Jolly Aunt Gert -
She should have said no to that tenth dessert.
Here lies the body of Joshua Green -
Last seen working the sausage machine.
Here lies the body of Jenny Paine -
She almost learned how to fly a plane.
by Marc Brown
Doctor: I have good news and bad news; which do you want first?
Patient: The bad news.
Doctor: Your condition is fatal.
Patient: That is terrible - what is the good news?
Doctor: They are going to give you the honor of naming it after you.
When the Spider Met the Elevator
The itsy-bitsy spider
Crawled up the elevator shaft
Down came the elevator
And cut the spider in half.
by David Hugh Beaumont (inspired by the “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” song)
Doctor: I have bad news. You have a fatal disease.
Patient: How long do I have to live, doctor?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven . . .
Epitaphs
Here lies what’s left of little Jimmy Burdette -
He never read the directions to his chemistry set.
Here lies the body of Captain M. Moat -
He should have fixed that hole in his boat.
Here lies the body of Darcy Dators -
Her big mistake was feeding those gators.
Here lies the body of Jolly Aunt Gert -
She should have said no to that tenth dessert.
Here lies the body of Joshua Green -
Last seen working the sausage machine.
Here lies the body of Jenny Paine -
She almost learned how to fly a plane.
by Marc Brown
Doctor: I have good news and bad news; which do you want first?
Patient: The bad news.
Doctor: Your condition is fatal.
Patient: That is terrible - what is the good news?
Doctor: They are going to give you the honor of naming it after you.
Treat your friends and family to food that is almost too scary to eat - on a horror movie night! Serve with chilled tomato juice.
The Purist
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles!”
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
“You mean,” he said, “a crocodile.”
by Ogden Nash
Winston: “Heard you buried your wife, old chap.”
Gilliam: “Had to. Dead, you know.”
Gina
Here lies the body of a girl named Gina,
Who bought a brand new vacuum cleaner.
She got in the way
Of its suction one day -
Since then no one has seen her.
by Author Unknown
Macabre (məˈkäbrə), adjective. Disturbingly referring to or depicting death or injury, as in art or literature; gruesome.
The Optimist
The optimist fell ten stories,
And at each window bar
He shouted to the folks inside:
“Doing all right so far!”
by Author Unknown
Pie Problem
If I eat one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
If I can’t have one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
So since it’s all decided I must die,
I might as well have one more piece of pie.
Mmmm - Oooh - My!
Chomp - Gulp - ’Bye!
by Shel Silverstein
Once upon a time, there were three children named Petal, Feather, and Fridge. Petal asked, “Mom, why is my name Petal?” to which she replied, “Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Feather asked, “Mom, why is my name Feather?” to which she replied, “Because a bird feather was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Fridge said, “Herp derp dur,” to which Fridge’s mother replied, “Because a refrigerator was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.”
More Stew
In the village of Jingamafloo,
They don’t look at the world like we do.
When a gentleman dies
His dear wife shouts, “Surprise!
Now we’ll all get a little more stew.”
by Graham Lester
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty-four hours to live.
Patient: Twenty-four hours! That is terrible! What could be worse? What is the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
The Purist
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles!”
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
“You mean,” he said, “a crocodile.”
by Ogden Nash
Winston: “Heard you buried your wife, old chap.”
Gilliam: “Had to. Dead, you know.”
Gina
Here lies the body of a girl named Gina,
Who bought a brand new vacuum cleaner.
She got in the way
Of its suction one day -
Since then no one has seen her.
by Author Unknown
Macabre (məˈkäbrə), adjective. Disturbingly referring to or depicting death or injury, as in art or literature; gruesome.
The Optimist
The optimist fell ten stories,
And at each window bar
He shouted to the folks inside:
“Doing all right so far!”
by Author Unknown
Pie Problem
If I eat one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
If I can’t have one more piece of pie, I’ll die!
So since it’s all decided I must die,
I might as well have one more piece of pie.
Mmmm - Oooh - My!
Chomp - Gulp - ’Bye!
by Shel Silverstein
Once upon a time, there were three children named Petal, Feather, and Fridge. Petal asked, “Mom, why is my name Petal?” to which she replied, “Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Feather asked, “Mom, why is my name Feather?” to which she replied, “Because a bird feather was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.” Fridge said, “Herp derp dur,” to which Fridge’s mother replied, “Because a refrigerator was the first thing to fall on you when you were born.”
More Stew
In the village of Jingamafloo,
They don’t look at the world like we do.
When a gentleman dies
His dear wife shouts, “Surprise!
Now we’ll all get a little more stew.”
by Graham Lester
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty-four hours to live.
Patient: Twenty-four hours! That is terrible! What could be worse? What is the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Freddy
Here is the story
Of Freddy, my friend,
Who ran out into the traffic,
And that is the end.
by Dennis Lee
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper found two finches that had passed away of old age. He picked them up and placed them in a sack. After cleaning the cage, he put the sack in his wheelbarrow and moved on to the next cage. When he reached the primate cage, he found two chimps that had also passed away from natural causes. “Waste not, want not,” he said, as put them in the sack with the finches. Later, at feeding time, he flipped the dead animals from the sack and into the lion’s cage. “No!” roared the lion. “Not finch and chimps again!”
Little Willie
Little Willie was a chemist.
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4,
And now Little Willie
Is no more.
by Author Unknown
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A few days later, the village idiot was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the village idiot ran and got the constable to come and listen to it. The constable bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the constable ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh . . . the Sixth . . . the Fifth . . .” Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
Overheard: I went to the doctor the other day. He examined my head and said it appears they are going to have to amputate.
Here is the story
Of Freddy, my friend,
Who ran out into the traffic,
And that is the end.
by Dennis Lee
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper found two finches that had passed away of old age. He picked them up and placed them in a sack. After cleaning the cage, he put the sack in his wheelbarrow and moved on to the next cage. When he reached the primate cage, he found two chimps that had also passed away from natural causes. “Waste not, want not,” he said, as put them in the sack with the finches. Later, at feeding time, he flipped the dead animals from the sack and into the lion’s cage. “No!” roared the lion. “Not finch and chimps again!”
Little Willie
Little Willie was a chemist.
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4,
And now Little Willie
Is no more.
by Author Unknown
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A few days later, the village idiot was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the village idiot ran and got the constable to come and listen to it. The constable bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the constable ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh . . . the Sixth . . . the Fifth . . .” Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
Overheard: I went to the doctor the other day. He examined my head and said it appears they are going to have to amputate.
Yummy - assorted creepy-crawlies pizza toppings!
Ruthless Rhyme
Poor Grandma’s hair hung all awry,
So we washed it during days of heat,
Then hung her upside-down to dry
On the clothes-line by her stockinged feet.
by J. A. Lindon
“I went to the doctor today. He said I had two weeks to live. I said ‘Can I have the second week in August and the first in November?’” -Tommy Cooper, British comedian
Grandpapa
Grandpapa fell down a drain;
Couldn’t scramble out again.
Now he’s floating down the sewer -
There’s one grandpapa the fewer.
by Harry Graham
This is the kind of stuff that could really make a person’s skin crawl - well just look at that, there goes our skin, crawling away again. We will be back right after we catch our skin and put it back on. In the meantime, further silliness awaits you . . . just continue creeping down the page . . .
Ruthless Rhyme
Poor Grandma’s hair hung all awry,
So we washed it during days of heat,
Then hung her upside-down to dry
On the clothes-line by her stockinged feet.
by J. A. Lindon
“I went to the doctor today. He said I had two weeks to live. I said ‘Can I have the second week in August and the first in November?’” -Tommy Cooper, British comedian
Grandpapa
Grandpapa fell down a drain;
Couldn’t scramble out again.
Now he’s floating down the sewer -
There’s one grandpapa the fewer.
by Harry Graham
This is the kind of stuff that could really make a person’s skin crawl - well just look at that, there goes our skin, crawling away again. We will be back right after we catch our skin and put it back on. In the meantime, further silliness awaits you . . . just continue creeping down the page . . .
