Patient, on telephone: Doctor, there’s something very wrong with me. My head feels squashed, my voice sounds strange, I smell something peculiar, and one of my feet is cold. What could be wrong with me?
Doctor: You are probably wearing one of your socks on your head.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Socks And Stockings Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The greatest reward of medicine isn’t the title, it’s the difference you make in someone’s life.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
A doctor told a man that if he ran 5 miles a day for 300 days, he would lose 75 pounds. At the end of 300 days, the man called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. The man said, “I’m 1,500 miles from home.”
“We are at our best when we give the doctor who resides within each patient a chance to go to work.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965) (about 1957): as quoted by Norman Cousins
Tonsillectomy
“Your tonsils, it seems, are too big,”
Said my doctor, and straightened his wig.
“There isn’t a doubt
That they’ll have to come out.”
And he giggled and danced a short jig.
By Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Limericks Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The role of a clown and a physician are the same - it’s to elevate the possible and to relieve suffering.” -Hunter Doherty ‘Patch’ Adams (born 1945)
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Surprised to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Doc, exactly what is my ailment?” The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
“He is the best physician who is the most ingenious inspirer of hope.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834): as quoted in Henry N. Coleridge: “Specimens of the Table Talk of S. T. Coleridge” (1833), ‘2 January 1833’
A doctor was consulting with his patient. “I checked your symptoms on Google. If you want a second opinion, I’ll check with Yahoo.”
“Aye, if we mixed laughter, love, and work in the right proportion, medicine would be but a dream of things that once were.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me!
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I have some coins stuck in my ear.
Doctor: How long have they been there?
Patient: A year.
Doctor: Why did you not come in sooner?
Patient: I did not need the money until now.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Money Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The doctor of the future will be oneself.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
A man walked into a doctor’s office and was sent immediately to an exam room. The doctor entered and looked him over. The man had a green bean sticking out of his left ear, a carrot sticking out of his right ear, and a celery stalk sticking out of one nostril. “Doc, it is just terrible, I am in awful shape - what do you think it could be that is the matter with me?” The doctor replied, “Well, for starters, you are not eating properly.”
“Better name for the general practitioner might be multispecialist.” -Martin H. Fischer (Martin Henry Fischer (1879 - 1962))
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!
“Quack: A doctor who ducks the law.” -Noah Lott (George V. Hobart (George Vere Hobart (1867 - 1926))): “The Silly Syclopedia” (1905)
Doctor: Face the window, please. Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: Why do I have to face the window?
Doctor: Because I want the man next door to see it.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Neighborhoods And Neighborliness Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Cheerfulness, sir, is the principle ingredient in the composition of health.” -Arthur Murphy (1727 - 1805)
A man sat in a doctor’s office and kept up a strange litany: “I hope I am sick . . . I hope I am sick . . .” Another waiting patient asked, “Why do you want to be sick?” The man replied, “I would hate to be well and feel like this!”
“What is diagnosed well, can be cured well.” [translation to English]
“Bene diagnoscitur, bene curatur.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have canary disease.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: It is tweetable.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Birds Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The best doctor gives the least medicines.” -Benjamin Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))
Doctor: You cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should - I stayed up all night practicing.
“Drugs are not always necessary. Belief in recovery always is.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990): ‘The Mysterious Placebo: How Mind Helps Medicine Work’ published in the “Saturday Review” (1977)
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts! Can you check it out?” The doctor rolled up the man’s sleeve and suddenly, the man’s arm started talking. “Hello, doctor,” said the arm. “Could you lend me twenty dollars, please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!” said the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
“I have always believed that the primary function of doctors should be to teach people how not to get sick in the first place. The word ‘doctor’ comes from the Latin word for ‘teacher.’” -Andrew Weil (Andrew Thomas Weil (born 1942))
A man went to see his doctor. He was suffering from acute anxiety and seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After the examination, the doctor went into the consultation room to discuss the case with the patient’s wife. “What your husband needs most of all is rest and quiet,” said the doctor. “These are tranquilizer pills. You should take one every three hours.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Marriage And Marrying Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919): as quoted in William Bennett Bean (1874 - 1944), editor: “Aphorisms from His Bedside Teachings” (1950), page 105
Patient: Doctor, how do I cure my sleepwalking?
Doctor: Put bubble-wrap on your bedroom floor.
“There is only one cardinal rule: One must always listen to the patient.” -Oliver Sacks (Oliver Wolf Sacks (1933 - 2016))
Have you heard about the doctor who made enough money in his medical practice that he could occasionally afford to tell a patient that there was nothing wrong with him?
“When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, strength cannot fight, intelligence cannot be applied, art cannot become manifest, wealth becomes useless.” -Herophilos (sometimes Latinized as Herophilus (335 B.C.E. - 280 B.C.E.))
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Do not worry - you are just a little hoarse!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Horses And Ponies Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Diagnosis is not the end, but the beginning of practice.” -Martin H. Fischer (Martin Henry Fischer (1879 - 1962))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Beginning And Starting Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A young doctor, raised in the city, opened his practice in a rural area and tried to become a country doctor. The second day, his doorbell rang at 4:30 a.m. He stumbled toward the door; his mind scrambling to be alert for what must be a terrible emergency. Opening the door, he was surprised to see a farmer, looking quite fit. “Good heavens, man, what is it?” the doctor asked. “Nothing much,” said the farmer. “You asked me to drop by for my checkup just before breakfast, and here I am.”
“The great secret of medicine, known to doctors but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves.” -Lewis Thomas
“We’re living in an age of medical specialists. Nowadays what four out of five doctors recommend is another doctor.” -Robert Orben (1927 - 2023): “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches” (1984): “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches” (1984)
“If doctors do not know how or why a particular medicine works, what are the chances that it is a placebo, or the power of suggestion, or the body’s natural healing system, that is instead at work?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Stuart: “First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got erysipelas with hemochromatosis. Following that, I got poliomyelitis, and finally, I ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”
Wallace: “Wow, you had a time!”
Stuart: “I’ll say! I thought I would never pull through that spelling test.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Word Spellings Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
Patient: Doctor, do I have an underactive thyroid?
Doctor: No, just an overactive fork.
“Never ask a surgeon whether you need an operation.” -Kocher
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Wisdom And Advice Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“My doctor is wonderful. Once I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.” -Joey Bishop
A fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and then told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his height, weight, and medical history, and then told him to wait in the waiting room. Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and then told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor said, “Where?” The man said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
“The best of healers is good cheer.” -Pindar (about 518 B.C.E. - about 438 B.C.E.): “Nemean Ode”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Happiness Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You are probably wearing one of your socks on your head.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Socks And Stockings Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The greatest reward of medicine isn’t the title, it’s the difference you make in someone’s life.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
A doctor told a man that if he ran 5 miles a day for 300 days, he would lose 75 pounds. At the end of 300 days, the man called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. The man said, “I’m 1,500 miles from home.”
“We are at our best when we give the doctor who resides within each patient a chance to go to work.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965) (about 1957): as quoted by Norman Cousins
Tonsillectomy
“Your tonsils, it seems, are too big,”
Said my doctor, and straightened his wig.
“There isn’t a doubt
That they’ll have to come out.”
And he giggled and danced a short jig.
By Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Limericks Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The role of a clown and a physician are the same - it’s to elevate the possible and to relieve suffering.” -Hunter Doherty ‘Patch’ Adams (born 1945)
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Surprised to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Doc, exactly what is my ailment?” The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”
“He is the best physician who is the most ingenious inspirer of hope.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834): as quoted in Henry N. Coleridge: “Specimens of the Table Talk of S. T. Coleridge” (1833), ‘2 January 1833’
A doctor was consulting with his patient. “I checked your symptoms on Google. If you want a second opinion, I’ll check with Yahoo.”
“Aye, if we mixed laughter, love, and work in the right proportion, medicine would be but a dream of things that once were.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me!
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I have some coins stuck in my ear.
Doctor: How long have they been there?
Patient: A year.
Doctor: Why did you not come in sooner?
Patient: I did not need the money until now.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Money Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The doctor of the future will be oneself.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
A man walked into a doctor’s office and was sent immediately to an exam room. The doctor entered and looked him over. The man had a green bean sticking out of his left ear, a carrot sticking out of his right ear, and a celery stalk sticking out of one nostril. “Doc, it is just terrible, I am in awful shape - what do you think it could be that is the matter with me?” The doctor replied, “Well, for starters, you are not eating properly.”
“Better name for the general practitioner might be multispecialist.” -Martin H. Fischer (Martin Henry Fischer (1879 - 1962))
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!
“Quack: A doctor who ducks the law.” -Noah Lott (George V. Hobart (George Vere Hobart (1867 - 1926))): “The Silly Syclopedia” (1905)
Doctor: Face the window, please. Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: Why do I have to face the window?
Doctor: Because I want the man next door to see it.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Neighborhoods And Neighborliness Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Cheerfulness, sir, is the principle ingredient in the composition of health.” -Arthur Murphy (1727 - 1805)
A man sat in a doctor’s office and kept up a strange litany: “I hope I am sick . . . I hope I am sick . . .” Another waiting patient asked, “Why do you want to be sick?” The man replied, “I would hate to be well and feel like this!”
“What is diagnosed well, can be cured well.” [translation to English]
“Bene diagnoscitur, bene curatur.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have canary disease.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: It is tweetable.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Birds Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The best doctor gives the least medicines.” -Benjamin Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))
Doctor: You cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should - I stayed up all night practicing.
“Drugs are not always necessary. Belief in recovery always is.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990): ‘The Mysterious Placebo: How Mind Helps Medicine Work’ published in the “Saturday Review” (1977)
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts! Can you check it out?” The doctor rolled up the man’s sleeve and suddenly, the man’s arm started talking. “Hello, doctor,” said the arm. “Could you lend me twenty dollars, please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!” said the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
“I have always believed that the primary function of doctors should be to teach people how not to get sick in the first place. The word ‘doctor’ comes from the Latin word for ‘teacher.’” -Andrew Weil (Andrew Thomas Weil (born 1942))
A man went to see his doctor. He was suffering from acute anxiety and seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After the examination, the doctor went into the consultation room to discuss the case with the patient’s wife. “What your husband needs most of all is rest and quiet,” said the doctor. “These are tranquilizer pills. You should take one every three hours.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Marriage And Marrying Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919): as quoted in William Bennett Bean (1874 - 1944), editor: “Aphorisms from His Bedside Teachings” (1950), page 105
Patient: Doctor, how do I cure my sleepwalking?
Doctor: Put bubble-wrap on your bedroom floor.
“There is only one cardinal rule: One must always listen to the patient.” -Oliver Sacks (Oliver Wolf Sacks (1933 - 2016))
Have you heard about the doctor who made enough money in his medical practice that he could occasionally afford to tell a patient that there was nothing wrong with him?
“When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, strength cannot fight, intelligence cannot be applied, art cannot become manifest, wealth becomes useless.” -Herophilos (sometimes Latinized as Herophilus (335 B.C.E. - 280 B.C.E.))
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Do not worry - you are just a little hoarse!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Horses And Ponies Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Diagnosis is not the end, but the beginning of practice.” -Martin H. Fischer (Martin Henry Fischer (1879 - 1962))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Beginning And Starting Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A young doctor, raised in the city, opened his practice in a rural area and tried to become a country doctor. The second day, his doorbell rang at 4:30 a.m. He stumbled toward the door; his mind scrambling to be alert for what must be a terrible emergency. Opening the door, he was surprised to see a farmer, looking quite fit. “Good heavens, man, what is it?” the doctor asked. “Nothing much,” said the farmer. “You asked me to drop by for my checkup just before breakfast, and here I am.”
“The great secret of medicine, known to doctors but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves.” -Lewis Thomas
“We’re living in an age of medical specialists. Nowadays what four out of five doctors recommend is another doctor.” -Robert Orben (1927 - 2023): “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches” (1984): “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches” (1984)
“If doctors do not know how or why a particular medicine works, what are the chances that it is a placebo, or the power of suggestion, or the body’s natural healing system, that is instead at work?” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Stuart: “First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got erysipelas with hemochromatosis. Following that, I got poliomyelitis, and finally, I ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”
Wallace: “Wow, you had a time!”
Stuart: “I’ll say! I thought I would never pull through that spelling test.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Word Spellings Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
Patient: Doctor, do I have an underactive thyroid?
Doctor: No, just an overactive fork.
“Never ask a surgeon whether you need an operation.” -Kocher
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Wisdom And Advice Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“My doctor is wonderful. Once I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.” -Joey Bishop
A fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and then told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” She took down his height, weight, and medical history, and then told him to wait in the waiting room. Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and then told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor said, “Where?” The man said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
“The best of healers is good cheer.” -Pindar (about 518 B.C.E. - about 438 B.C.E.): “Nemean Ode”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Happiness Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Would you believe it - he insists that he is a real doctor!
F is for Fracture,
A painful affair;
Put the two ends together,
And then keep ’em there.
-Cyril Barnert: “The A. B. C. of Surgery” (1917)
Patient: “When I touch my tongue to aluminum foil wrapped around a balloon while leaning against a washing machine, I feel a peculiar tingling in my toes - what is wrong with me?”
Doctor: “You have too much spare time.”
“Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shell.” -Cass Canfield
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Impossible And Possible Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” -Henny Youngman (Henry ‘Henny’ Youngman (1906 - 1998))
“I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill, but you can never read his prescription.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936)
“Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many?” -Artemus Ward (about 1860)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Numbers And Counting Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Parent: Doctor, Doctor, my child has swallowed a pen!
Doctor: Do not worry - just use a pencil until I get there.
If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor the doctor the way a doctor who doctors doctors doctors doctors?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Tongue Twisters Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“No families take so little medicine as those of doctors, except those of apothecaries*.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1841 - 1935): “Medical Essays”
*apothecaries are similar to pharmacists but different somehow
“Dr. Tilden is . . . a medical heretic. He has broken away entirely from the tenets of the regular school of medicine and burnt the bridges behind him: he does not resort to medicine as a cure for sickness, but cures by correcting the patient’s diet and other habits of living.” -Helen Sayr Gray
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Habits And Routines Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A saintly Christian fellow went to the doctor for a medical checkup. He said to the doctor, “I feel terrible. I have excruciating pains in my head. Please tell me what is wrong with me.” “Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor. “Do you drink much?” “Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop of that stuff.” “How about smoking?” asked the doctor. “Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Are you up late nights?” asked the doctor. “Oh, no,” said the man. “Worldliness is a sin. I’m against it. I am always in bed by 9:30 every night - always have been.” “I have seen this before,” said the doctor. “It just may be that your halo is on too tight.”
“First, do no harm.” [translation to English]
“Primum non nocere.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown: “Hippocratic Oath”
“In teaching the medical student, the primary requisite is to keep him awake.” -Chavalier Jackson
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Sleep And Sleeping Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Sometimes, the best thing we can do for our patients is to tell them what the best behavior is and then negotiate something they can live with.” -Nancy Dickey
Patient: I think I’m losing my memory.
Doctor: When did it start?
Patient: When did what start?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Memory And Memories Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Oh, that hurts!” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Even that hurts,” she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then told her his diagnosis: “You have a broken finger.”
“The best six doctors: sunshine, water, rest, air, exercise, diet.” -Wayne Fields
Bumper Sticker: Orthopedists Get All The Breaks.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Bumper Stickers And License Plates Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You appear to have a cold.
Patient: Actually, I am just rehearsing for the part of Sneezy in “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
“Doctor: The only person who actually enjoys poor health.” -Author Unknown
A Short History of Medicine: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C.E.: “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C.E.: “That root is heathen, say this magic spell.”
C.E. 1850: “That magic spell is superstition, drink this potion.”
C.E. 1940: “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
C.E. 1985: “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
C.E. 2000: “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read History Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Mister Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds.” When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly sixty pounds. “Why, that is simply amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” Mr. Lee nodded. “I will tell you though, I thought I was going to collapse on the third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”
A man walked into a doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry growing on my arm!” The doctor replied, “I can give you some cream for that.”
Will doctors ever go from ‘practicing medicine’ to ‘conducting medicine’?
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“A stethoscope is not just an instrument. It is jewelry.” -Author Unknown
Patient: Doctor, I think my eyesight is getting worse.
Clerk: It certainly is - this is a jewelry store!
“Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
“The great doctors all got their education off dirt pavements and poverty - not marble floors and foundations.” -Martin H. Fischer (Martin Henry Fischer (1879 - 1962))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Poverty And Prosperity Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,” complained the patient. “What have you been eating?” asked the doctor. “I only eat jelly beans.” “Jelly beans?!” exclaimed the astonished doctor. “Maybe that is the trouble. What kind do you eat?” “All kinds,” replied the man, “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.” “I see the problem,” said the doctor. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”
A nurse was giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital. The intern approached one bedridden patient and asked, “Why are you here?” The patient replied, “O my Luve’s like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June.” The intern moved on to the next bed and asked the same question, “Why are you here?” The patient answered, “Man’s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn!” The intern moved on to a third bed and asked again, “Why are you here?” to which the third patient replied, “The best laid plans of mice and men may often gang awry.” At this, the intern turned to the nurse and asked, “What ward is this anyway?” The nurse answered, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Doctor: Are you stringing me along?
“Doctor’s office: A place where people who are run down wind up.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Daffynitions And Definitions Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.
Doctor: One at a time, please.
“I cannot do the things I used to do,” a patient said to the doctor. “I wish you had some magic way of making me younger.” “You have it all wrong,” the doctor said. “My job is to see that you get older.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Age And Aging Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with dyspepsia?
Patience: Only once.
Doctor: When was that?
Patient: When I tried to spell it.
A typical American hospital has three to six times more employees than patients. So, the next time you go to the hospital, perhaps it should be to fill out an employment application.
Patient: Doctor, how long will my arm be in this cast?
Doctor: At least six weeks.
Patient: When you remove it, will I be able to play the violin?
Doctor: Of course.
Patient: That is great, because I could never play one before.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Music Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A woman rushed into a doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You will just have to be a little patient.”
Patient: Doctor, can you give me something for my liver?
Doctor: Certainly - here is an onion!
Doctor: Your pulse is as steady as a clock.
Patient: You have your hand on my wristwatch.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Clocks And Timepieces Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Farmer: Doctor, I have potatoes in my ears.
Doctor: How did that happen?
Farmer: I do not know - I planted carrots.
Have you heard about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor’s fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his supervisor to the personnel director to increase his salary. And, to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
“Medical education is not completed at the medical school, it is only begun.” -William H. Welch
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Continuing And Progressing Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient on phone: I cannot sleep, Doctor. Can you do anything for me?
Doctor: Stay on the phone, and I will sing you a lullaby.
A doctor decided to take a week off from the pressures of his busy medical practice, and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Seconds later, a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, the doctor was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche could overtake him. Just as luckily, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but the doctor had returned to the lodge from a day of skiing, a rescue team was sent out to search for him. It was nearly dark when the searchers saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head in the cave, one of the rescuers yelled, “Doctor, are you in there? It’s the Red Cross.” Bristling, the harried doctor called back, “I already gave at the office!”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Charitable Giving And Helping Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Everything is so expensive. What hospitals really need is cheaper equipment - like an X-ray machine that takes four poses for a quarter.” -Robert Orben (1927 - 2023): “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches” (1984)
Podiatric Oralist: A foot and mouth doctor.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Anatomy And Physiology Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A doctor had worked out the vacation plans for the people he had working in his office. As they looked at the schedule, the doctor said, “All in favor, stick out your tongues and say, ‘Aaahhh.’”
“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Hopes And Dreams Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The education of the doctor which goes on after he has his degree is after all the most important part of his education.” -John Shaw Billings
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I am afraid of squirrels!
Doctor: Afraid of squirrels - are you a nut?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Squirrels And Chipmunks Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
“The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)
“Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)
If these jokes are not making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor, and if these jokes are making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor - what do we know, we are not doctors and we do not give medical advice . . . we are MFOL!
F is for Fracture,
A painful affair;
Put the two ends together,
And then keep ’em there.
-Cyril Barnert: “The A. B. C. of Surgery” (1917)
Patient: “When I touch my tongue to aluminum foil wrapped around a balloon while leaning against a washing machine, I feel a peculiar tingling in my toes - what is wrong with me?”
Doctor: “You have too much spare time.”
“Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shell.” -Cass Canfield
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Impossible And Possible Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” -Henny Youngman (Henry ‘Henny’ Youngman (1906 - 1998))
“I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill, but you can never read his prescription.” -Finley Peter Dunne (1867 - 1936)
“Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many?” -Artemus Ward (about 1860)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Numbers And Counting Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Parent: Doctor, Doctor, my child has swallowed a pen!
Doctor: Do not worry - just use a pencil until I get there.
If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor the doctor the way a doctor who doctors doctors doctors doctors?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Tongue Twisters Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“No families take so little medicine as those of doctors, except those of apothecaries*.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1841 - 1935): “Medical Essays”
*apothecaries are similar to pharmacists but different somehow
“Dr. Tilden is . . . a medical heretic. He has broken away entirely from the tenets of the regular school of medicine and burnt the bridges behind him: he does not resort to medicine as a cure for sickness, but cures by correcting the patient’s diet and other habits of living.” -Helen Sayr Gray
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Habits And Routines Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A saintly Christian fellow went to the doctor for a medical checkup. He said to the doctor, “I feel terrible. I have excruciating pains in my head. Please tell me what is wrong with me.” “Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor. “Do you drink much?” “Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop of that stuff.” “How about smoking?” asked the doctor. “Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Are you up late nights?” asked the doctor. “Oh, no,” said the man. “Worldliness is a sin. I’m against it. I am always in bed by 9:30 every night - always have been.” “I have seen this before,” said the doctor. “It just may be that your halo is on too tight.”
“First, do no harm.” [translation to English]
“Primum non nocere.” [original Latin]
-Author Unknown: “Hippocratic Oath”
“In teaching the medical student, the primary requisite is to keep him awake.” -Chavalier Jackson
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Sleep And Sleeping Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Sometimes, the best thing we can do for our patients is to tell them what the best behavior is and then negotiate something they can live with.” -Nancy Dickey
Patient: I think I’m losing my memory.
Doctor: When did it start?
Patient: When did what start?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Memory And Memories Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Oh, that hurts!” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Even that hurts,” she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then told her his diagnosis: “You have a broken finger.”
“The best six doctors: sunshine, water, rest, air, exercise, diet.” -Wayne Fields
Bumper Sticker: Orthopedists Get All The Breaks.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Bumper Stickers And License Plates Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: You appear to have a cold.
Patient: Actually, I am just rehearsing for the part of Sneezy in “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
“Doctor: The only person who actually enjoys poor health.” -Author Unknown
A Short History of Medicine: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C.E.: “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C.E.: “That root is heathen, say this magic spell.”
C.E. 1850: “That magic spell is superstition, drink this potion.”
C.E. 1940: “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
C.E. 1985: “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
C.E. 2000: “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read History Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Mister Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds.” When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly sixty pounds. “Why, that is simply amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” Mr. Lee nodded. “I will tell you though, I thought I was going to collapse on the third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”
A man walked into a doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry growing on my arm!” The doctor replied, “I can give you some cream for that.”
Will doctors ever go from ‘practicing medicine’ to ‘conducting medicine’?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Questions And Queries Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“A stethoscope is not just an instrument. It is jewelry.” -Author Unknown
Patient: Doctor, I think my eyesight is getting worse.
Clerk: It certainly is - this is a jewelry store!
“Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
“The great doctors all got their education off dirt pavements and poverty - not marble floors and foundations.” -Martin H. Fischer (Martin Henry Fischer (1879 - 1962))
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Poverty And Prosperity Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,” complained the patient. “What have you been eating?” asked the doctor. “I only eat jelly beans.” “Jelly beans?!” exclaimed the astonished doctor. “Maybe that is the trouble. What kind do you eat?” “All kinds,” replied the man, “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.” “I see the problem,” said the doctor. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”
A nurse was giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital. The intern approached one bedridden patient and asked, “Why are you here?” The patient replied, “O my Luve’s like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June.” The intern moved on to the next bed and asked the same question, “Why are you here?” The patient answered, “Man’s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn!” The intern moved on to a third bed and asked again, “Why are you here?” to which the third patient replied, “The best laid plans of mice and men may often gang awry.” At this, the intern turned to the nurse and asked, “What ward is this anyway?” The nurse answered, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Doctor: Are you stringing me along?
“Doctor’s office: A place where people who are run down wind up.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Daffynitions And Definitions Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.
Doctor: One at a time, please.
“I cannot do the things I used to do,” a patient said to the doctor. “I wish you had some magic way of making me younger.” “You have it all wrong,” the doctor said. “My job is to see that you get older.”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Age And Aging Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with dyspepsia?
Patience: Only once.
Doctor: When was that?
Patient: When I tried to spell it.
A typical American hospital has three to six times more employees than patients. So, the next time you go to the hospital, perhaps it should be to fill out an employment application.
Patient: Doctor, how long will my arm be in this cast?
Doctor: At least six weeks.
Patient: When you remove it, will I be able to play the violin?
Doctor: Of course.
Patient: That is great, because I could never play one before.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Music Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A woman rushed into a doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You will just have to be a little patient.”
Patient: Doctor, can you give me something for my liver?
Doctor: Certainly - here is an onion!
Doctor: Your pulse is as steady as a clock.
Patient: You have your hand on my wristwatch.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Clocks And Timepieces Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Farmer: Doctor, I have potatoes in my ears.
Doctor: How did that happen?
Farmer: I do not know - I planted carrots.
Have you heard about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor’s fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his supervisor to the personnel director to increase his salary. And, to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
“Medical education is not completed at the medical school, it is only begun.” -William H. Welch
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Continuing And Progressing Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Patient on phone: I cannot sleep, Doctor. Can you do anything for me?
Doctor: Stay on the phone, and I will sing you a lullaby.
A doctor decided to take a week off from the pressures of his busy medical practice, and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Seconds later, a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, the doctor was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche could overtake him. Just as luckily, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but the doctor had returned to the lodge from a day of skiing, a rescue team was sent out to search for him. It was nearly dark when the searchers saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head in the cave, one of the rescuers yelled, “Doctor, are you in there? It’s the Red Cross.” Bristling, the harried doctor called back, “I already gave at the office!”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Charitable Giving And Helping Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“Everything is so expensive. What hospitals really need is cheaper equipment - like an X-ray machine that takes four poses for a quarter.” -Robert Orben (1927 - 2023): “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches” (1984)
Podiatric Oralist: A foot and mouth doctor.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Anatomy And Physiology Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A doctor had worked out the vacation plans for the people he had working in his office. As they looked at the schedule, the doctor said, “All in favor, stick out your tongues and say, ‘Aaahhh.’”
“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” -Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Hopes And Dreams Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“The education of the doctor which goes on after he has his degree is after all the most important part of his education.” -John Shaw Billings
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I am afraid of squirrels!
Doctor: Afraid of squirrels - are you a nut?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Squirrels And Chipmunks Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
“The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)
“Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)
If these jokes are not making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor, and if these jokes are making you feel better, it may be time to see your doctor - what do we know, we are not doctors and we do not give medical advice . . . we are MFOL!
