The ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website has finally earned the ‘Orangutan Seal of Approval.’ To find out why, please visit the pages listed on the menu bar above, such as the ‘Inspiration & Motivation’ page, or look at what follows just below on this page . . .
Given the state of the world today, just about every neighborhood needs a Self-Esteem Shop. Website: www.SelfEsteemShop.com.
I’m Not Good Enough
I don’t speak well enough.
I’m not attractive enough.
I don’t dress well enough.
I’m not confident enough.
I’m not educated enough.
I’m not talented enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not good enough.
“You are as good as any.” -Author Unknown
“Real people aren’t perfect. Perfect people aren’t real.” -Author Unknown
“Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.” -Max L. Forman (Max Leon Forman (1909 - 1990))
“Every achiever I have ever met says, ‘My life turned around when I began to believe in me.’” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. All that matters is what you think of you.” -Author Unknown
“Believe in yourself and you can do unbelievable things.” -Author Unknown
“Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt as though you’d rather hide in bed all day than face the people that make you feel small or powerless” -Diana Agron (Dianna Elise Agron (born 1986))
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” -Kurt Cobain (Kurt Donald Cobain (1967 - 1994))
“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“You are wonderful. Valuable. Worthwhile. Lovable. Not because others think so. Self-worth comes from only one place: self.” -Karen Salmansohn
“Have patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. You are perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that.” -Francis de Sales (1567 - 1622)
“There isn’t a ruler, a yard stick, or a measuring tape in the entire world long enough to compute the strength and capabilities inside you.” -Paul J. Meyer (Paul James Meyer (1928 - 2009))
“Every human being is trying to say something to others. Trying to cry out, ‘I am alive, notice me! Speak to me! Listen to me! Confirm for me that I am important. That I matter!’” -Marion D. Hanks
Overhead: I compare myself to every person I ever see . . . and I lose every time.
“Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.” -Author Unknown
“The only person you should ever compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle!” -Author Unknown
“To establish true self-esteem we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.” -Denis Waitley (Denis E. Waitley (born 1933))
“There might be things about yourself that you do not like . . . until one day you notice those same things in someone else who seems to be doing well enough in life. So go ahead and take a closer look at other people. You will see something of yourself in some of them and you will come to know an important truth, which is that you are a good enough person just as you are.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (born 1933): title of book (1978)
“Listen to your heart above all other voices.” -Marta Kagan
“Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.” -Robert J. Collier (Robert Joseph Collier (1876 - 1918))
One way to improve your self-esteem is to tell clean funny jokes to people . . . no kidding, it really works! Practice until you can tell the jokes without making mistakes, even if you stutter or forget how the jokes go at first. And, on the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website, there are zillions of jokes and other funny stuff for you to tell to other people - but you cannot just post them on social media websites - you have to tell jokes to real people, face to face.
“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” -Ann Landers (pseudonym of Esther Pauline ‘Eppie’ Lederer (1918 - 2002))
“You’ve no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself - and how little I deserve it.” -W. S. Gilbert (William Schwenck Gilbert (1836 - 1911)): “Ruddigore” (1887), act I
Atelophobia (a-tel-o-pho-bia) is a persistent fear of never being good enough or a fear of an insurmountable personal imperfection. Often this fear can be rooted in the experience and upbringing we have had by others, such as families, neighborhoods, schools, relationships, friendships, and initial work experience. We may have to counter this effect by doing our own upbringing of ourselves and not allow other people to be the sole source of our own upbringing. We must raise ourselves.
“The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))
“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.” -Peter T. McIntyre
Overheard: You can now worry less about what kind of person you are, because somewhere out there is a dog who thinks you are wonderful!
“Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller . . . prettier, luckier, and have connections . . .” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.” -Neil Simon (born 1927)
“Love not what you are, but what you may become.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))
“Dear Lord, when feelings of insecurity and self-doubt creep into my heart, help me to see myself the way you do.” -Author Unknown
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” -e. e. cummings (Edward Estlin Cummings (1894 - 1962))
“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.” -William Jennings Bryan (1860 - 1925)
“If you believe in yourself, things are possible.” -Shannon MacMillan
Overheard: I am really good at stuff until I find myself in a situation in which people are watching me do that stuff.
“Confident people are able to laugh at themselves.” -Author Unknown
“The foundation of lasting self-confidence and self-esteem is excellence, mastery of your work.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Millions of people would love to be you.” -Author Unknown
“Have confidence that if you have done a little thing well, you can do a bigger thing well, too.” -David Storey
Overheard: I spent a fortune on deodorant and mouthwash before I realized that people did not like me anyway.
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“I am going to make it.” -You
“Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don’t let anyone take it away from you ever.” -Holly Marie Combs
“Avoid negative people, for they are the greatest destroyers of self-confidence and self-esteem. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.” -Author Unknown
“Why should we worry about what others think of us - do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?” -Brigham Young (1801 - 1877)
“I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect!” -Author Unknown
“Having a low opinion of yourself is not ‘modesty.’ It’s self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not ‘egotism.’ It’s a necessary precondition to happiness and success.” -Bobbe Sommer
“Those with a high level of confidence may have as many or more weaknesses than those with low self-esteem. The difference is this: instead of dwelling on their handicaps, they compensate for them by dwelling on their strengths.” -Alan Loy McGinnis (1933 - 2005)
“Our self-image, strongly held, essentially determines what we become.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
“One of the great tragedies of life, it seems to me, is when a person classifies himself as someone who has no talents and gifts. When, in disgust or discouragement, we allow ourselves to reach depressive levels of despair because of our demeaning self-appraisal, it is a sad day for us and a sad day in the eyes of God. For us to conclude that we have no gifts when we judge ourselves by stature, intelligence, grade-point average, wealth, power, position, or external appearance is not only unfair but unreasonable.” -Marvin J. Ashton: ‘There are Many Gifts,’ in “Ensign” (November 1987) magazine, page 20
“What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Younger or simply Seneca (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
“Don’t define yourself by negatives.” -Author Unknown
“Put your future in good hands - your own.” -Author Unknown
“What you think of me is unimportant. What I think of myself is what matters.” -Robert T. Kiyosaki (Robert Toru Kiyosaki (born 1947))
“The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.” -Author Unknown
“I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.” -Jay Leno (James Douglas Muir ‘Jay’ Leno (born 1950))
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha (Siddhārtha Guatama, also known as Shakyamuni Buddha (about 563 B.C.E. - 483 B.C.E.))
“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968))
Ofttimes nothing profits more
Than self-esteem, grounded on just and right
-John Milton (1608 - 1674): “Paradise Lost” (1667; 1674), Book VIII, line 571
Also known, though possibly paraphrased, in the form:
“Nothing profits more than self-esteem, grounded on what is just and right.” -John Milton (1608 - 1674)
“You can’t let other people tell you who you are. You have to decide that for yourself.” -Author Unknown
“Confidence comes from being prepared.” -John Wooden (1910 - 2010)
“If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor.” -Nicolas Chamfort (also known as Nicolas-Sébastien Roch (1741 - 1794))
“I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster 'Bucky' Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable.” -Wendy Wasserstein
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))
“There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.” -Nathaniel Branden
Overheard: I am going to be more assertive . . . if that’s okay with you.
“Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks on great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero (also known as Tully or simply Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
“You are officially the world’s okayest person.” -Author Unknown
“All things splendid have been achieved by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance.” -Bruce Barton (Bruce Fairchild Barton (1886 - 1967))
“High above the noise and fear mongering of critics and cynics softly speaks your true self.” -Mollie Marti
“To have an incredible increase in self-esteem, all you have to do is start doing some little something. You don’t have to do spectacularly dramatic things for self-esteem to start going off the scale. Just make a commitment to any easy discipline. Then another one and another one.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” -Michael Jordan (born 1963)
“The self-esteem to which I refer is something different. It is not blind, arrogant, vain love of self, but is self-respecting, unconceited, honest esteem of ourselves. It is born of inner peace and strength.” -James E. Faust: “Reach Up for the Light” (1 January 1990), page 31
“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Measure for Measure” (1604)
“There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them.” -Charles D. Gill
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . there is definitely something a little ‘funny’ about this website . . .
[A kiss is] “A peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to lie for it, and the old man has to buy it. The baby’s right, the lover’s privilege, and the hypocrite’s mask. To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; and to an old maid, charity.” -Linus Price ‘Skipper’ Hayes (1906 - 1962): “V. P. I. Skipper” (about 1930)
Keith me, thweetheart!
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl said, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
“A passionate kiss burns the calories in one potato chip.” -Francis Sheridan Goulart (1989)
A one-minute kiss burns twenty-six calories.
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
“A little kiss can make a big difference.” -Author Unknown
“Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamed he was kissing his shoe.
He woke in the night
In a terrible fright,
And found that it was perfectly true!
“You would think that, if our lips were made of horn, and stuck out a foot or two from our faces, kisses at any rate would be done for. Not so. No creatures kiss each other so much as birds.” -Thomas Buxton (Thomas Fowell Buxton (1786 - 1845))
Philemaphobia, also called philematophobia, is a persistent fear of kissing. Kissing is how you get germs - it’s horribly disgusting - and so gross!
Jenny Kissed Me
Jenny kiss’d me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in;
Time, you thief, who loves to get
Sweets into your list, put that in!
Say I’m weary, say I’m sad,
Say that health and wealth have missed me,
Say I’m growing old, but add
Jenny kiss’d me.
-Leigh Hunt (James Henry Leigh Hunt (1784 - 1859)): as published in the “Monthly Chronicle” (November 1838)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . putting a little bubbly optimism into your day . . .
Andrew: Why could the dinosaur not cross the road?
Andy: Because there were no roads back then.
Chance: How can you tell a dinosaur from spaghetti?
Chaucer: A dinosaur will not slip off your fork.
The word ‘dinosaur’ was coined in 1842 by biologist Richard Owen, who combined the Greek words ‘deinos’ meaning ‘terrible’ and ‘sauros’ meaning ‘lizard.’ Mr. Owen meant ‘terrible lizard’ in reference to the size of the creatures, rather than to any fearsomeness. While dinosaurs are not lizards, both dinosaurs and lizards are members of the group of animals known as reptiles. So, dinosaurs are reptiles. ‘Dinosaur’ can also be used to refer to a person or institution that has not adapted to change, as for example, “Government is a lumbering slumbering bumbling bungling dinosaur when it comes to adopting efficient new methods and recent technologies.”
Millie: What do you get if you give a dinosaur a pogo stick to play with?
Millicent: Big holes all over your driveway.
Grant: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Hugh: Have you put an ad in the newspaper?
Grant: What good would that do - she can’t read!
Dinosaurs lived so long ago
they never had a chance to know
how many kids would love to get
a dinosaur to be their pet!
Rusty: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
Russell: A stegosaurus on roller-skates.
Winston: Why are tall dinosaurs good at forecasting the weather?
Winifred: Because they are the first to know when it rains.
Some dinosaurs may have had colorful skin, but scientists do not know for sure. It is likely that most dinosaurs had green and brown scales to help them hide among trees and plants. Some dinosaurs had feathers, but were flightless.
Chuck: Why could the long-necked dinosaur not see where it was going?
Charles: Because it had its head in the clouds.
Teri: When does a big fearsome dinosaur look like a cute little clown?
Theresa: When it wears a cute little clown suit.
- An adult male dinosaur is called a bull.
- An adult female dinosaur is called a cow.
- Young dinosaurs are called juveniles.
- A group of plant-eating dinosaurs is called a herd.
- A group of meat-eating dinosaurs is called a pack.
- Dinosaurs lived on all of the continents, including Antarctica.
- Dinosaurs lived to be about 75 to 300 years of age.
- Scientists who study dinosaurs and other animals, as well as plants, through fossils, are called paleontologists.
Buster: What do you call a dinosaur hitchhiker?
Mack: A ten-and-a-half-ton pickup.
Buddy: How do you run over a dinosaur?
Holly: Climb up its foreleg, dash along its back, and slide down its tail.
Some dinosaurs had tails that were more than 45 feet long. Long tails helped them to keep their balance while running.
Ellen: What do you have when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Allen: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Tammy: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?
Sammy: Say, “Tea, Rex?”
Dinosaurs often swallowed large rocks. These rocks stayed in their stomachs and helped them grind up food.
Molly: How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
Polly: With Tyrannosaurus checks.
Trudy: Do you know what the difference is between a piece of candy and a dinosaur bone?
Trudy: Good, then enjoy this dinosaur bone.
When some humans first found dinosaur bones, they guessed that the bones must be from dragons or giants, which is how the myths, or fanciful stories, associated with these two types of imaginary creatures began. Additionally, hoaxers and practical jokers would put together the bones from different animals and humans to make fantastical creatures that never existed. So, to create a giant, they would take the very long leg bones from a dinosaur and put them in place of the regular-length leg bones in a human skeleton, and add in some bones from other animals. Next, they would make up a story to go along with it, perhaps about an entire race of giants living in a faraway land across the sea, in some remote mountains, forests, or swamps. Then they would put up a sign offering to allow people to see the ‘giant skeleton’ and regale them with made-up stories about it, for a modest sum of money. The more bones they could dig up from different animals, the better, because they could put them together in all sorts of ways to create all kinds of creatures that do not exist in nature, as for example, flying monkeys and mermaids. However, unlike pretend, mythical, and hoax animals, dinosaurs were once real, living creatures.
Rachael: How long should a dinosaur’s legs be?
Michael: Long enough to reach the ground.
George: What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a skunk?
Martha: The biggest stinker you ever saw.
Just as birds and reptiles do now, dinosaurs laid eggs from which baby dinosaurs hatched. Some dinosaurs built nests for their eggs and even fed and protected their babies when they hatched. The largest dinosaur eggs were as large as basketballs. However, the bigger the egg, the thicker the shell, so that if the eggs had been any larger, dinosaur babies possibly would not have been able to break out of the shells.
Priscilla: What kind of materials do dinosaurs put on the floors of their houses?
Della: Rep tiles.
My Family of Dinosaurs
My sister, finkasaurus,
Is a tattle-telling shrew.
My brother, slobasaurus,
Doesn’t quite know how to chew.
My mother, rushasaurus,
Finds it hard to be on time.
My father, cheapasaurus,
Never spends an extra dime.
Our doggy, barkasaurus,
Keeps the neighbors up at night.
Our kitty, scratchasaurus,
Gouges everything in sight.
And then there’s angelsaurus -
Who, you might have guessed, is me -
The only one who’s perfect
In this crazy family.
Megan: How can you tell if a dinosaur is an herbivore or a carnivore?
Melvin: Lie down on a plate.
Most meat-eating dinosaurs had bones filled with air. Though their bones were huge, they were not as heavy as they looked. Birds have the same kind of hollow bones.
Matthew: What would you get if you crossed a hungry dinosaur and a herd of 100 cattle?
Matilda: A dinosaur that is no longer hungry.
While dinosaurs are often thought of as having been huge beasts, many dinosaurs were smaller than modern humans. Scientists believe that larger dinosaurs, with their larger bones, were more likely to be preserved as fossils, while smaller dinosaurs, with their smaller bones, were more likely to be destroyed through natural processes, such as being washed away by rain, broken up and dissolved into the surrounding soil, or carried away and broken into pieces by animals that like to chew on bones.
Angie: Which dinosaur had the biggest vocabulary?
Angelica: Was it the thesaurus?
Dinosaurs lived during a period of Earth’s history called the Mesozoic Era, meaning ‘middle life’ and also referred to as the ‘Age of the Dinosaurs,’ which stretched from the Triassic period 230 million years ago, through the Jurassic period, and up until the end of the Cretaceous period about 65 million years ago, when a mass extinction occurred. Dinosaurs existed for about 165 million years. By comparison, humans have been around for only 2 million years, and modern humans just 130,000 years.
Bob: How did you break your foot?
Fred: Did you see the Stegosaurus walk past?
Fred: Well . . . I did not!
The largest dinosaurs, such as the Brachiosaurus and Apatosaurus and Triceratops, were herbivores, or animals that eat plants. Plant-eating dinosaurs had eyes looking out to each side of their heads, so they could watch for danger while they ate. To help them fight off carnivores including the Allosaurus and the Spinosaurus and the Tyrannosaurus Rex, many herbivores had natural defenses, such as the spikes on the tail of the Stegosaurus and the three horns attached to the front of the Triceratops’s bony-plate head shield.
Herbivorous dinosaurs tended to have blunt, meaning not sharp, hooves or toenails. Most plant eaters walked on four feet to carry their heavy bodies better. Some plant eaters could balance on their two back feet for a short time, enabling them to reach the tender shoots of the new growth at the tops of tall plants.
Merry: Where do dinosaurs put bandages?
Mary: On their Dino-sores.
Meat-eating, or carnivorous, dinosaurs are known as theropods, which means ‘beast-footed,’ because they had sharp, hooked claws on their toes. Most meat eaters walked on two feet. This made them faster and left their ‘hands’ free to grab their prey.
Chester: Why did carnivorous dinosaurs eat raw meat and herbivorous dinosaurs eat raw plants?
Lester: Because they did not know how to cook.
Leonard: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a lemon?
Lenny: A dino-sour. (If your answer was a sour-saurus, that would also be correct).
Tyrannosaurus Rexes (Kings of the Dinosaurs) lived about sixty-five million years ago in what is now western North America. T-Rexes were the largest carnivores (meat-eaters) in their habitat, often measuring 13 meters (43 feet) in length and 4 meters (13 feet) in height. The biggest Rex tooth found is about 30 centimeters (12 inches) long. Yet Tyrannosaurus Rexes had more than 98 percent of their DNA in common with modern barnyard chickens, so even with their reputation for being fierce predators, they were really just big chickens.
Chet: What do you call one hundred dancing dinosaurs?
Chip: An earthquake?
Plant-eating dinosaurs often lived together for protection, as herding animals today do. The herds ranged from just a few adults and their young to thousands of animals.
Christopher: What is in the middle of a herd of dinosaurs?
Christine: The letter ‘s.’
Cal: What do you get if you tell a joke about a 26-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Big laughs?
Cal: Right! What do you get if you tell a joke about a 78-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Bigger laughs?
Cal: Right! And what do you get if you tell a joke about a 248-ton dinosaur?
Kel: Even bigger laughs?
Cal: Nope! They don’t come in that size.
Tim: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
Mat: Because they would not take baths!
Evidence suggests that a massive meteorite (space rock) hit the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico 65 million years ago. The resulting crater was 180 kilometers (112 miles) wide and was caused by an object 9.7 kilometers (6 miles) in diameter. It would have hit Earth’s crust with immense force, sending shockwaves around the world. Large amounts of debris would have been sent flying up into the atmosphere, which would have blocked out sunlight and significantly changed the Earth’s temperature and air. Earth tremors caused by the impact would have displaced large amount of water, causing widespread flooding. All large land animals that were out in the open would have died, including dinosaurs on land and large sea creatures swimming just beneath the water’s surface. Only small animals that could take shelter in burrows in the ground, caves, rock crevices, and deep underwater, would have lived. Some birds, crocodiles, fishes, insects, lizards, snakes, spiders, and turtles would have survived. They would have been witness to perhaps the most horrific event in Earth’s history.
Victoria: Why was the dinosaur afraid to go back to the library?
Vicky: Her books were sixty million years overdue.
The giant brontosaurus
Was a prehistoric chap
With four fat feet to stand on
And a very skimpy lap.
The scientists assure us
Of a most amazing thing -
A brontosaurus blossomed
When he had a chance to sing!
(The bigger brontosauruses,
Who like to sing in choruses,
Would close their eyes and harmonize
And sing most anything.)
The growled and they yowled,
They deedled and they dummed;
They warbled and they whistled,
They howled and they hummed.
They didn’t eat, they didn’t sleep;
They sang and sang all day.
Now all you’ll find are footprints
Where they tapped the time away!
Harrold: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
Harry: A Try-try-try-ceratops!
Rick: What do you say when you want your dinosaur to move faster?
Richard: “Pronto, saurus!”
Can humans outrun dinosaurs? Humans have a top average speed over short distances of just slightly more than 32 kilometers (20 miles) an hour. The fastest dinosaur, the Ornithomimus, is estimated to have been able to run up to 64 kilometers (40 miles) an hour. However, the big cats called cheetahs are the fasted known animals ever to exist on Earth, capable of accelerating from 0 to 70 kilometers (0 to 43.5 miles) an hour in 3 seconds. If you ever see a human professional athlete, an average dinosaur, and a typical cheetah on a racetrack running a race, both the dinosaur and the cheetah might look back at the human and holler, “Try to keep up, slow-poke!”
Jake: What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks?
Jacob: A dino-bore!
Eric: If three dinosaurs are a crowd, what are four and five?
Despite being long extinct, dinosaurs are frequently featured in entertainment. One example of this is Michael Crichton’s 1990 book “Jurassic Park.” Made into a movie in 1993, the story features cloned dinosaurs brought to life with the help of DNA (genetic material) found in mosquitoes that had been trapped in amber.
Jessie: Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
Patrick: What did the Tyrannosaurus Rex do after lifting weights at the gym?
Patricia: I am sure it rested because it was probably very dino-sore!
Many scientists believe that dinosaurs are extinct, meaning that no living dinosaurs exist today. However, some scientists believe that birds are descended from theropod dinosaurs, and therefore, dinosaurs are not really extinct. As an unknown author said, “Dinosaurs aren’t extinct. They’ve just learned to hide in the trees.” Just maybe . . . birds could be . . . dinosaurs?!
Herman: What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
Sherman: Ten dinosaurs!
Thud, thud, thud, thud . . . do you hear those huge dinosaurs coming this way? They will be expecting us to tell them some dinosaur jokes - do you know any? Email your jokes to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com and we will get them out to the waiting dinosaurs lickety-split!
“You can do with a ‘can do’ attitude!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“You have to believe that the best will happen.” -Lacy Richardson
“Just because you can’t be a shining star is no reason you have to be a dark cloud.” -Author Unknown
“Clear your mind of can’t.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“A great attitude precedes a great performance.” -Author Unknown
A Bad Attitude
A boy who was terribly rude
Found his trouble: a bad attitude.
He pulled thorns from its side,
Smoothed its raw, ruffled hide,
Cut its claws, and his life was renewed.
“Change your attitude and change your life.” -Ann Bench
“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill (1874 - 1965))
“The world always looks better from behind a smile.” -Author Unknown
Formula for Living Successfully
(It is easier than you might think!)
Assign each letter of the alphabet a number.
A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, and so forth all the way to Z = 26.
Next, we formulate equations as follows.
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%.
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.
L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 = 47%.
You will notice that none of the above add up to 100%.
So, what does make 100%?
Is it BEING PERFECT? No!
Is it EDUCATION? No!
Is it FATE? No!
Is it GENETICS? No!
Is it MONEY? No!
Is it OTHER PEOPLE? No!
Our ‘ATTITUDE’ in life is what makes for success, as in A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.
To refresh, ‘Attitude matters 100% in life.’ Now wasn’t that fun?
Every problem or condition has a solution, only if we are willing to change our ‘ATTITUDE.’
“The most significant change in a person’s life is a change of attitude. Right attitudes produce right actions.” -William J. Johnson
“Stay flexible - flexible people don’t get bent out of shape.” -Author Unknown
“A bad attitude is like a flat tire; you can’t go anywhere without changing it.” -Author Unknown
“Your attitude is contagious - is yours worth catching?” -Author Unknown
“In one minute you can change your attitude and in that minute you can change your entire day.” -Spencer Johnson
“A propensity to hope and joy is real riches; one to fear and sorrow, real poverty.” -David Hume (1711 - 1776): “Essays Moral, Political, and Literary” (1875), volume 1, ‘The Sceptic’ (about 1750) essay
“We tend to live up to our expectations.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“A Great Attitude becomes a great day which becomes a great month which becomes a great year which becomes a great life.” -Mandy Hale
“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” -Author Unknown
“Your attitude is an outward expression of an inward feeling.” -Author Unknown
“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)): “Faust” (1808)
“Ask yourself a question - is my attitude worth catching?” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“Refuse to criticize, condemn, or complain. Instead, think and talk only about the things you really want.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Be someone who finds something good in each day - then shares it with others.” -Author Unknown
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” -Albert Einstein
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.” -Author Unknown
“Train your mind to see something good in everything.” -Author Unknown
Two men look out through the same bars:
One sees the mud, and one the stars.
-Fredrick Langbridge (1849 - 1923)
“Positive attitudes create a chain reaction of positive thoughts.” -Author Unknown
“The predominant thought or the mental attitude is the magnet, and the law is that like attracts like. Consequently, the mental attitude will invariably attract such conditions as to correspond to its nature.” -Charles Haanel
“Surely the world we live in is but the world that lives in us.” -Daisy Bates
“A bad attitude is merely a reflection of how you feel about yourself.” -David Roppo
“Declarations are powerful. If you declare that you are going to be an optimistic, upbeat person at all times, an interesting phenomenon takes place. When people expect you to be positive, you don’t want to let them down. You live your intentions every day - every minute.” -Neil Eskelin
“What is important to you is not so much the circumstances of your life as your attitude toward them.” -Ernest C. Wilson
“The world is a looking-glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly, kind companion.” -William Makepeace Thackeray
“If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges.” -Pat Riley
“There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.” -Terence (Publius Terentius Afer (185 B.C.E. - 159 B.C.E.))
“Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” -Viktor Frankl (Viktor E. Frankl (1905 - 1997)
“Every year of my life I grow more convinced that it is wisest and best to fix our attention on the beautiful and the good, and dwell as little as possible on the evil and the false.” -Richard Cecil
“Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first time or the last time. Then your time on Earth will be filled with glory.” -Betty Smith (1896 - 1972): “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” (1943)
“We attract what we habitually expect; we become what we deeply believe.” -William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
“This is the precept by which I have lived: Prepare for the worst; expect the best; and take what comes.” -Hannah Arendt (Johanna ‘Hannah’ Arendt (1906 - 1975))
“It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.” -John Steinbeck (1902 - 1968)
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” -Dennis Wholey
“Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.” -Maurice Setter
“There are in life as many aspects as attitudes towards it; and aspects change with attitudes . . . Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change in attitude.” -Katherine Mansfield (1888 - 1923)
“The word ‘lose’ simply stands for Lack Of Success Expectancy.” -Doug Firebaugh
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on Earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
“Attitude, more than aptitude, will determine your altitude in life.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“Be thine own palace, or the world’s thy jail.” -John Donne (1572 - 1631)
“Attitude is greatly shaped by influence and association.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” -Annie Gottlier
“‘You become what you think about’ is the foundation of your actions and reactions. What are your thoughts? Positive all the time? How are you guiding them?” -Jeffrey Gitomer
“Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.” -William James (1842 - 1910): as attributed in Norman Vincent Peale: “The Power of Positive Thinking” (1952)
“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
“The quality of our expectations determines the quality of our actions.” -André Godin
“We don’t see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.” -Henry M. Tomlinson (1873 - 1958): “Out of Soundings” (1931), chapter 10
“Take charge of your attitude. Don’t let someone choose it for you.” -Author Unknown
“It’s all in the way you look at things.” -Norton Juster
“For success, attitude is equally as important as ability.” -Harry F. Banks
“A little bird is content with a little nest.” -Thomas Draxe (unknown - 1618)
“A healthy attitude is contagious but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.” -Author Unknown
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” -Herm Albright (1876 - 1944): as attributed in “Reader’s Digest” (1995)
“The world can change in an instant. So can the way you choose to see it. Why not choose to see the good in yourself and others?” -Bob Perks
“Your attitude is either the lock on, or the key to the door of success.” -Denis Waitley
“Live up to the highest you know in all things.” -Mildred Mann (1904 - 1971)
“Your mental attitude is something you can control outright and you must use self-discipline until you create a positive mental attitude - your mental attitude attracts to you everything that makes you what you are.” -Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970)
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)
“The most unknown, unused and unrecognized tool of the human mind, is the recognition that attitude is always a choice.” -Mark Horton
“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Lou Holtz (Louis Leo ‘Lou’ Holtz (born 1937))
“A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before we changed.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . it’s a whole new ‘fun’ attitude . . .
Here we see the annual spaghetti harvest in Switzerland . . .
“Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.” -Sophia Loren
Pasta is a food originating in Italy, consisting of dough made from durum wheat and water, and sometimes eggs, extruded or stamped into various shapes and sizes. Pasta is cooked by boiling it in water, either in its freshly made state, or it can be dried for storage and later cooked from its dried state.
Oodles of Noodles
I love noodles. Give me oodles.
Make a mound up to the sun.
Noodles are my favorite foodles.
I eat noodles by the ton.
-Lucia and James Hymes, Junior
When pasta is boiled in water, it is important to know that once the pot has been removed from the heat source, the hot water continues to cook the pasta, and even once pasta is separated from the hot water, it continues cooking. So, to achieve just the precise amount of cooking to have perfectly done pasta that is not too soft or too hard, referred to in Italian as ‘al dente,’ immerse the pasta in cold water at precisely the perfect time to stop the cooking process.
“Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” -Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
As the song says, “On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed!”
Marinara sauce is a red sauce typically made from tomatoes, onions, and herbs. ‘Marinara’ is derived from the Italian phrase ‘alla marinara’ meaning ‘sailor-style.’ It commonly goes by the name ‘spaghetti sauce’ or ‘pasta sauce,’ although it is worth noting that not all pasta sauces are red sauces, especially those that contain no tomatoes as a main ingredient.
Overheard: Mama mia, dat’s-a lotsa pasta!
“No man is lonely while eating spaghetti - it requires too much attention.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): as quoted in “Life” (24 October 1969) magazine
Doyle: A farmer bought a piece of land at auction. It was two thousand acres long and one inch wide. What did he grow on it?
Dylan: I know - spaghetti!
In 1996, computer hardware engineer Toshio Yamamoto began the work of tasting and cataloguing all the ramen instant noodles he could find (including a full ingredients list, texture, flavor, price, and a ‘star’ rating for each) for the 5,657-ramen database on his website, expanded recently with hundreds of video reviews and with re-reviews (in case the taste had changed). Mr. Yamamoto said he had always eaten ramen for breakfast seven days a week, but cut back recently to five. “I feared that, if I continued at (the seven-day) pace, I would get bored.” He has written two books on the flavored instant noodles. Visit Mr. Yamamoto’s website at www.i-ramen.net to see his extensive noodle work and nifty animation.
Macaroni and Cheese
Boil the water, add the noodles,
Mac and cheese, we love you oodles.
In gratefulness for this creation,
We bow and eat with such elation.
Customer: “Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?”
Waiter: “No, sir, I cleaned it off.”
The spaghetti tree hoax is a famous 3-minute hoax report broadcast on April Fool’s Day 1957 by the British Broadcasting Corporation current affairs program “Panorama.” It told a tale of a family in southern Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from the fictitious spaghetti tree. The story was broadcast at a time when the Italian dish was not widely eaten in the United Kingdom and some Britons were still unaware that spaghetti is a pasta made from wheat flour and water. Hundreds of viewers phoned the BBC, either to say the story was not true, or wondering about it, with some even asking how to grow their own spaghetti trees. “Panorama” cameraman Charles de Jaeger dreamed up the story after remembering how teachers at his school in Austria teased his classmates for being so stupid that if they were told that spaghetti grew on trees, they would believe it. The report showed a family in the canton of Ticino in southern Switzerland as they gathered a bumper spaghetti harvest after a mild winter and “virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil.” Footage of a traditional “Harvest Festival” was aired along with a discussion of the cultivation necessary to develop a plant variety that produces the perfect length of pasta. Some scenes were filmed at the (now closed) Pasta Foods factory on London Road, Saint Albans, in Hertfordshire, and at a hotel in Castagnola, Switzerland. The report was made more believable through the voiceover of respected broadcaster Richard Dimbleby. Pasta was not an everyday food in 1950’s Britain, and was known mainly from tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce, and considered by many to be an exotic delicacy. At the time, there were 7 million homes in Britain with television sets, out of a total of 15.8 million homes. An estimated 8 million people watched the program on and hundreds phoned in the following day to question the authenticity of the story or ask for more information about spaghetti cultivation and how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. The BBC reportedly told them to “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”
“Life is a combination of magic and pasta.” -Federico Fellini
Weird Al Yankovic did a parody of the song “La Bamba” entitled “Lasagna” on his “Even Worse” album.
“I do love Italian food. Any kind of pasta or pizza.” -Jennifer Love Hewitt
So there I was, minding my own business as usual, when all of a sudden . . . spaghetti.
Lorenzo: What do you call a fake noodle?
Luciano: An impasta.
“The Forme of Cury,” a 14th century cookbook that was the first to be published in England, featured lasagna.
Lasagna is the favorite food of the cartoon cat character Garfield, created by Jim Davis. Interestingly, it is said that Mr. Davis never had a pet cat, but despite this handicap, he somehow manages.
“Eat the spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.” -Author Unknown
“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.” -Sophia Loren
Lasagna is believed to have originated in Italy. It is a dish made of alternating layers of pasta, cheese, sauce, and traditionally meat, although vegetables can be substituted for the meat. Lasagna is made with either flat noodles or rippled noodles. Rippled noodles are common in southern Italy but rarely used in Northern Italy. Rippled noodles are also popular in the United States. The plural of lasagna is lasagne. In Italy, the plural form lasagne is always used when referring to lasagna.
“I love pasta with the homemade marinara sauce I had as a kid.” -Bernadette Peters
“I don’t know, man . . . I just started eating pasta and I was like, ‘Wow, my problems . . . where did they all just go?’” -Author Unknown
You are now on 'MFOL!' . . . quick, say something funny!
Meg: I am very good at spelling bees!
Greg: Is that so?
Meg: Yes, b-e-e-s!
Two words that are easily confused are principle and principal. The following sentence may be of some help: The school principal is our pal. You will notice that ‘pal’ is on the end of the word ‘principal’ but not on the end of the word ‘principle.’ Now let us go ask the school principal if this is true, or if principals serve mainly to maintain order and to act as disciplinarians.
Difficult words can be ‘sounded out’ to help us pronounce and spell them correctly. To sound out a word, clearly say each syllable separately, distinctly, and with emphasis. For example, to sound out the word responsibility, break it down into its syllables, as re-spons-i-bil-i-ty. When we clearly sound out words, we avoid skipping letters and syllables, and doing so can also help us avoid stammering. Often after sounding out a new word a few times, we find that it becomes lastingly embedded in our memory, making it more familiar and easier to use.
My spelling is Wobbly.
It’s good spelling but it Wobbles,
and the letters get in the wrong places.
-A. A. Milne (Alan Alexander Milne (1882 - 1956)): “Winnie-the-Pooh” (1926)
Only four words in the English language end in ‘dous,’ and they are tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Jason: What common eleven-letter word is often spelled incorrectly?
The longest English word consisting entirely of consonants (not counting ‘y’ as a vowel) is the word ‘crwth,’ which is from the fourteenth century and means ‘crowd.’ Wait, why do we even have that fact in here, because nobody has used that word for roughly 600 long years!
Teacher: At 28 letters in length, ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ is the sixth longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
Student: It is spelled i-t.
Spelling bees are competitions in which participants try to spell words correctly. Spelling bees can be done with little planning, as in a classroom directed by a teacher, or with great planning and fanfare, as in a spelling bee with participants from all across a country or all around the world. To stay in the competition, a participant is given a word to spell; he or she may then ask for the definition of the word or a sample sentence containing the word (usage example). Some spelling bees have prizes, which can include scholarships, trophies, plaques, certificates, dictionaries, or media appearances. Some spelling bees have as a prize simply being declared the winner.
Lovie: How do you spell ‘sarcasm’?
Flossie: With letters, I should think.
At exactly 34 letters each, ‘hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist’ and ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ are tied as the fourth-longest words in the English language. Do you know which word is associated with Mary Poppins and which word refers to a person who likes to use really long words?
Horace wrote in his “Ars Poetica” (English translation: “The Art of Poetry”) the words, “Proicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba.” (English translation: “He throws aside his paint pots and his words that are a foot and a half long.”). The word ‘sesquipedalia’ is derived from the Latin ‘sesqui-‘ meaning ‘one and a half’ and ‘ped’ meaning ‘a foot’ (as a unit of measure). So, a ‘hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist’ is a person who likes to use really long words. If you are fortunate, you will not have such a person assign you a word at a spelling bee, but such things can happen to even the best of us!
‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ is a made-up, or pretend, nonsense word popularized by the movie “Mary Poppins” (1964). It was derived from the word ‘supercaliflawjalisticexpialidoshus,’ which was invented by Helen Herman and published in her column “A-Musings” in the “Syracuse Daily Orange” (10 March 1931) newspaper, and means ‘something wonderful.’ Have yourself a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day - after you get your tongue discombobulated!
Riddle: Look at the following words. What do they have in common?
Solution: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Now try asking other people if they can solve the riddle.
Common Words with More than One Spelling
- Can you think of other words that can be spelled more than one way?
Introducing ‘lite,’ the new, lighter ‘weigh’ to spell ‘light’ - with twenty percent fewer letters! Pretty exciting, huh?
Syllable: A part of pronunciation that has one vowel sound, making up either a whole word or a part of a word. ‘The’ is a one-syllable word, ‘outdoors’ is a two-syllable word, ‘bicycle’ is a three-syllable word, and ‘dandelion’ is a four-syllable word.
When asked to spell Mississippi at a spelling bee, a boy asked, “The river, or the state?”
‘Uncopyrightable’ is the only fifteen-letter word that can be spelled without repeating any letters.
Christopher: What school subject do witches like best?
Abstemious, arsenious, and facetious contain all five of the vowels in the order in which they appear in the alphabet, which is a, e, i, o, and u. Also, nobody knows what these words mean.
Spelling Cheque Ere
Eye halve a spelling cheque ere
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My cheque ere tolled me sew.
A single seven-letter word in the English language contains ten words without any need to rearrange its letters. The word is ‘therein,’ and the words within it are: the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, and herein.
“When Milo looked up he saw an enormous bee, at least twice his size . . . ‘I am the Spelling Bee . . . Don’t be alarmed . . . a-l-a-r-m-e-d.’” -Norton Juster: “The Phantom Tollbooth” (1961)
We once tried to tell a college professor that everyone would be better off if the spellings of words were simplified and made more consistent. She said it could never be done because there was too much history embedded within the spellings of words and the spellings must forever be unchanged so that the history will not be lost. We say history should not hold us back! We say let us make word spellings uniform and easier for the great masses of people, who language is meant to serve and not oppress! Let us begin the process of spelling simplification now! We can start with just a few words typed on paper, and stand on street corners making speeches about it, and hand out the sheets of paper with the new word spellings on them. Let us get this revolution underway! All we need is a leader for our cause - hey, how about you?
“S, u, c, c, e, s, s! That’s the way we spell success!” -Author Unknown: part of a military marching cadence
I thought I’d win the spelling bee
And get right to the top,
But I started to spell ‘banana,’
And I didn’t know when to stop.
‘Underground’ is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters ‘u-n-d.’
His Spelling Was Weke
A teacher whose spelling’s unique
Thus wrote down the ‘Days of the Wique’:
The first he spelt ‘Sonday’,
The second day ‘Munday’ -
And now a new teacher they sique.
-Charles Battell Loomis
Why don’t we just go ahead and standardize and simplify the spelling of words in order to make life easier for all of us? We don’t need to ask anybody’s permission. We’ll just take the initiative on our own. That’s what leadership is all about, right?
Fobia: An irrational fear of misspelled words - this is a joke, of course! The correct word for a fear of spelling mistakes is ‘ortographobia.’ It is a tough word to spell, so now people with ortographobia could have a fear of misspelling the word for the phobia that they have, which is a fear of misspelling words. Should someone get all of the people with this condition a toy stuffed teddy bear and a dictionary?
Pay attention, because the following word will be on the Friday spelling test. It is a chemical with 1,185 letters, and the longest word in the English language:
onylserylalanylprolylalanylserine. Good luck!
How to really annoy people: Spell out words when speaking. Example: It is time to take the d-o-g to the v-e-t. As if dogs cannot spell, right?
Are you looking for a way to advertise or promote your business or cause? Hold a spelling bee at a school, church, park, or community center, and invite the local news media to attend the event. Have a large banner made with your company or cause’s name on it to place behind the contestants so that any cameras pointed at the contestants will also clearly show the banner.
The longest place-name still in use is a New Zealand hill called
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitnatahu. Why not just call it ‘that big bump in the ground over there’?
What if every profession held annual spelling bees?
- Actors should be asked to give their best efforts to spelling the words egotistical, narcissistic, humbleness, and modesty.
- Athletes might try to spell difficult words including temper, entertainer, clean, and consideration.
- Lawyers would be asked to spell challenging words such as ethics, malpractice, defender, and constitution.
- Politicians could be asked to spell unfamiliar words like honesty, truthfulness, service, and citizens.
The English language has 1,100 different ways to spell its 44 distinct sounds, more than any other language.
Jay: Are you going to the amusement park on Saturday?
Ray: Yes, I a-m g-o-i-n-g t-o the a-m-u-s-e-m-e-n-t p-a-r-k on S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y.
Jay: Are you sure you feel good enough to go?
Ray: I feel fine, although I do seem to have been s-t-u-n-g by a s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g b-e-e and I cannot stop spelling o-u-t words! Please h-e-l-p m-e!
Words and Spellings Quiz
- Do some words have more than one accepted spelling?
- Are the ‘spell checkers’ on computers always correct?
- Is the letter ‘y’ a consonant or a vowel?
- How many syllables are in the word ‘elementary’?
- How many syllables are in the word ‘rhythm’?
- Will eating honey help you get ready for a spelling bee?
“The dawn of legibility in his handwriting has revealed his utter inability to spell.” -attributed to Ian Hay (pseudonym of John Hay Beith (1876 - 1952))
‘Rhythms’ is the longest word that does not contain any of the five regular vowels (a, e, i, o, and u); however, it does contain the letter ‘y’ functioning as a vowel. Rhythms is a two-syllable word pronounced as rĭth′əmz. Very strange.
Take the ‘gh’ from rough, if you wish,
And from women, the ‘o,’ as in dish.
Get a ‘ti’ from mention
Or out of attention,
And g-h-o-t-i spells fish.
Words and Spellings Quiz Answers
- Some words have more than one accepted spelling, as for example, travelling/traveling and judgement/judgment.
- While spell checkers on computers are helpful, they are not always correct, and you will need to rely on your own knowledge, check other sources such as dictionaries, or ask people for help before making final decisions on spellings.
- The letter ‘y’ can be either a consonant or a vowel, depending on its placement in a word.
- The word ‘elementary’ contains 5 syllables: el-em-en-ta-ry.
- The word ‘rhythm’ contains 2 syllables: rhy-thm.
- There is no actual direct association between the insects called bees and the academic events called spelling bees. Spelling bees, much like quilting bees, are events at which people gather to engage in a common activity, reminiscent of the purported industriousness, or busyness, of bees.
Jason: One of the most commonly misspelled words is misspelled.
Jasper: What is it?
Jason: What is what?
Jasper: What is the most commonly misspelled word?
Jason: I just told you!
Why are words so difficult to spell? You can blame it on your ancestors, who not only gave you your eye color and the shape of your nose, but also decided to give you the spellings of your words. “Hey, how can we give posterity something to remind them of us? . . . I know, we’ll leave difficult-to-spell words, that’ll make them think of us every time they have to communicate one with another!” And you in turn, are complicating life for generations to come by keeping the same exasperating system in place - so why not do something now for posterity by bringing uniformity and simplification to spelling?
Some words are difkolt - chalinjing - ridiquulus - just plain impossible to spell!
A monosyllabic word is one that contains only one syllable, as for example, the words peach, pear, and plum. Peculiar, isn’t it, how the word ‘monosyllabic’ has five syllable in it? Polysyllabic is an example of a polysyllabic word, which is a word containing two or more syllables, as also do the words apple, pineapple, berry, and watermelon.
Why is phonetic not spelled the way it sounds?
The three words in the English language with the letters ‘uu’ are: vacuum, residuum, and continuum - although a sometimes also considered word is muumuu. Oddly, although ‘uu’ is a double-u, the two-letter combination is not pronounced like the letter ‘w.’ Confusion abounds everywhere.
“Is it just me, or have you ever noticed that the word ‘and’ resembles a cat in a defensive stance? The ‘a’ is the cat’s head, the ‘n’ is the cat’s arched back, and the ‘d’ is the cat’s raised tail. Nah, it couldn’t be . . . it’s just my ‘imagination.’” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
If someone invents an easier way to spell a word, should that person get a prize or an award of some kind? How about if we rename a letter of the alphabet after them? A, b, c, d, e, f, g . . . don’t you mean A, b, c, Kevin, e, f, g?
“It’s a poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.” -Andrew Jackson
At ‘MFOL!’ we spell life f-u-n. We should probably go back to school and learn how to spell it the right way . . .
We say, “Life is a zoo!” Do you think so, too? Shown is the ‘Big Cat Crossing’ at the Philadelphia Zoo in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States of America. It opened in 1876 as the very first zoo in the nation, and still attracts great numbers of curiosity seekers and wild animal enthusiasts. Website: http://www.PhiladelphiaZoo.org.
Harold: What is the most up-to-date animal at the zoo?
Harry: The gnu, of course!
First Monkey: What has an elephant’s trunk, a giraffe’s neck, an ostrich’s beak, and a lion’s head?
Second Monkey: A zoo!
As we go walking through the zoo
This is what we’ll see,
Elephants and hippos,
And monkeys in a tree.
Tigers roaring loudly,
Giraffes who stand so high,
Dolphins swimming freely,
And parrots in the sky.
So let’s all go walking,
Having fun the whole day through,
As we go on our field trip,
To the friendly city zoo
Sign in a safari park: Visitors Who Throw Litter Into The Crocodile Pit Will Be Asked To Retrieve It.
“Look at that one - the one staring at us through the bars. Doesn’t he look intelligent?” “Yes. There’s something uncanny about it.” “He looks as if he understood every word we’re saying.” “Walks on his hind legs, too, and swings his arms.” “There! He’s got a peanut. Let’s see what he does with it.” “Well, what do you know about that! He knows enough to take off the shell before he eats it, like we do.” “That’s a female alongside of him. Listen to her chatter at him. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to her, though.” “She must be his mate.” “The look kind of sad, don’t they?” “Yes. I guess they wish they were in here with us monkeys.”
At the zoo I remarked to an emu
“I cannot pretend I esteem you.
You’re a greedy old bird,
And your walk is absurd,
But your curious feathers redeem you.”
“The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.” -Evan Esar
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot high fence was put up . . . and again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”
At the zoo we saw a bear
He had long, dark fuzzy hair
We saw a lion in a cage.
He was in an awful rage.
We saw the big, long-necked giraffe,
And the silly monkeys made us laugh
But my favorite animal at the zoo
Is the elephant - how about you?
Zoo: A place where animals can safely observe and study the behavior of humans.
The Spangled Pandemonium
The spangled pandemonium
Is missing from the zoo.
He bent the bars the barest bit,
And slithered glibly through.
He crawled across the moated wall,
He climbed the mango tree,
And when the keeper scrambled up,
He nipped him in the knee.
To all of you, a warning
Not to wander after dark,
Or if you must, make very sure
You stay out of the park.
For the spangled pandemonium
Is missing from the zoo,
And since he nipped his keeper,
He would just as soon nip you!
The zoo in Tokyo, Japan closes for two months of each year so that the animals can have a holiday from visitors.
“Rarely does it occur to people that the purpose of the bars, moats, and walls at zoos is to protect the animals from humans.” -Bergan Evans (paraphrased)
A man needed a job. He heard that they were looking for help at the zoo, so he went there and applied for a job. On his first day at work, his boss handed a gorilla suit to him and said, “The gorilla is out sick today, so we’ll need you to fill in for him.” The fellow thought this was odd, but he really badly needed the job, so he said, “Sure,” put the gorilla suit on, went into the cage, and proceeded to monkey around. After a while, he got the hang of things and found it enjoyable, but while swinging on a tire, he lost his grip, went flying through the bars, and landed in the lion’s cage. He took one look at the huge fierce lion and thought to himself that the job was not all that important compared to his life, so he started yelling, “Help me, help me!” to the zoo visitors. Hearing his cries, the lion trotted over to him. Terrified, the man in the gorilla suit covered his face with his arms, when, startled, he heard the man in the lion suit whisper insistently, “Be quiet, or you will get us both fired!”
Dave: It is feeding time at the zoo.
Jim: Better hurry or you will be late for dinner!
Go away, goat . . . I’m trying to take a hippopotanap . . . zzz-zzz-zzz-zzz.
An Alphabet Zoo
A was an apt Alligator,
Who wanted to be a headwaiter;
He said, “I opine
In that field I could shine,
Because I am such a good skater.”
B was a beggarly Bear,
Who carefully curled his front hair;
He said, “I would buy
A red-spotted tie,
But I haven’t a penny to spare.”
C was a cool Chimpanzee,
Who went to an afternoon tea.
When they said, “Will you take
A caraway cake?”
He greedily took twenty-three!
D was a diligent Doe,
In summer she shoveled the snow;
In the spring and the fall
She did nothing at all,
And in winter the grass she would mow.
E was an erudite Ermine,
Who tried very hard to determine
If he should earn a cent,
How it ought to be spent,
And decided to purchase a sermon.
F was a fussy Flamingo,
Who remarked to his family, “By jingo!
I think I would go
To that animal show,
But they all talk such barbarous lingo.”
G was a giddy Gazelle,
Who never could learn how to spell;
But she managed to pass
To the head of her class,
Because she did fractions so well.
H was a haughty young Hawk,
Who affected society talk;
But when introduced
At a large chicken roost
He excitedly screamed out, “Oh, Lawk!”
I was an idle Iguana,
Who lived upon curried banana;
With tears he’d protest
That he never could rest
Till he learned to sing “Eileen Alanna.”
J was a jimp Jaguar,
Who purchased a Spanish guitar;
He played popular airs
At fetes and at fairs,
And down at the Fancy Bazaar.
K was a kind Kangaroo,
Whose bonnet was always askew;
So they asked her to wait
While they put it on straight
And fastened it firmly with glue.
L was a lachrymose Leopard,
Who ate up twelve sheep and a shepherd,
But the real reason why
He continued to cry
Was his food was so lavishly peppered.
M was a mischievous Marten,
Who went to the Free Kindergarten;
When they asked him to plat
A bright-colored mat,
He tackled the job like a Spartan.
N was a naughty Nylghau,
Who wandered too near a buzz saw.
It cut off his toes,
And the shrieks that arose
Filled all of the neighbors with awe.
O was an ossified Oyster,
Who decided to enter a cloister.
He could not return,
So continued to yearn
For his home in the sea, which was moister.
P was a poor old Poll Parrot,
Who had nothing to eat but a carrot,
And nothing to wear
But a wig of red hair,
And nowhere to live but a garret.
Q was a querulous Quab
Who at every trifle would sob;
He said, “I detest
To wear a plaid vest,
And I hate to eat corn from the cob!”
R was a rollicking Ram,
Attired in an old pillow sham.
When asked if he’d call
At the masquerade ball,
He said, “I’ll go just as I am.”
S was a shy Salamander,
Who slept on a sunny veranda.
She calmly reposed,
But, alas! while she dozed
They caught her and cooked her and canned her.
T was a tidy young Tapir,
Who went out to bring in the paper;
And when he came back
He made no muddy track,
For he wiped his feet clean on the scraper.
U was a young Unicorn,
The bravest that ever was born.
They bought him a boat
And they set him afloat,
And straightway he sailed for Cape Horn.
V was a vigorous Vulture,
Who taught animals physical culture;
When a pupil felt sad,
The kind teacher said,
“You needn’t consider sepulture.”
W was a wild Worm,
All day he did nothing but squirm.
They sent him to school,
But he broke every rule,
And left at the end of the term.
X was a Xiphias brave,
Who lived on the crest of the wave.
To each fish he would say,
“Good day, sir, good day!”
And then a polite bow he gave.
Y was a young Yellowhammer,
Who raised a ridiculous clamor;
And he chattered until
An owl said, “Keep still!
I’m trying to study my grammar.”
Z was a zealous old Zibet,
Toboggans he tried to prohibit.
If anyone tried
To take a sly slide,
He ordered him hanged on a gibbet.
Zoos and Wild Animal Parks Quiz
- What animals can be commonly found at zoos?
- What animals can be commonly found at wild animal parks?
- Do zoos have human exhibits along with the bear and tiger exhibits?
- What is a petting zoo?
- Why do zoos not have live dinosaurs?
- What is the proper way to behave toward zoo animals?
The Zoo is Lots of Fun
The zoo is lots of fun.
See a kangaroo.
See a chimpanzee.
Hear the lions roar.
Watch the seals dive.
There’s a monkey doing tricks.
A tiger and his mate.
Penguins in a line.
I want to come again.
The San Diego Zoo in California, United States of America has the largest collection of animals in the world. You can watch live streaming video of elephants, penguins, koalas, tigers, pandas, apes, and polar bears on their website at www.Zoo.SanDiego.org.
Ken: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face-to-face with a tiger?
Dave: No - what happened?
Ken: I just stood there. The tiger crept closer . . . and closer . . .
Dave: Well, what did you do?
Ken: I just moved on to the next cage.
Listen . . . caw-caw! . . . haa-haa! . . . chatter-chatter! . . . hoo-hoo! . . . do you hear the zoo calling to you? Perhaps it is time for a visit . . . hope to see you there! Chirrup-chirrup! Eee-ahh! We’re like a bunch of wild animals here . . . at ‘MFOL!’
Grocery Store Bagger, speaking to Customer: Paper or plastic?
Customer: Surprise me!
“I went into a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.” -Steven Wright
Customer: Have you anything for gray hair?
Clerk: Nothing but the greatest respect.
To market, to market,
To buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again,
To market, to market,
To buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again,
To market, to market,
To buy a plum bun,
Home again, home again,
Market is done.
Customer to book storeowner: “I would like to return this book on modern medical procedures.”
Owner: “Is something wrong with it?”
Customer: “Someone removed the appendix.”
Shopper: Someone who goes buy-buy.
Overheard: Whenever I am at the market, I always seem to get the shopping cart with the one bad wheel.
“Everything is worth what its purchaser will pay for it.” -Publilius Syrus
Overheard: Today I went to the corner shop - and bought four corners.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.” Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?” “Rain.”
So a guy walked into an antiques store and asked, “What’s new?”
“Cheap things are not good; good things are not cheap.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: The food at the convenience store in my neighborhood is so old that the expiration dates are in Roman numerals.
“Self-Checkout Line - The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.” -Richard E. Turner (1937 - 2011): “The Curmudgeon’s Short Dictionary of Modern Phrases” (about 2009), ‘The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. ‘The Mudge’’
Dolly: What do you get when alien teenagers invade shopping malls on Earth?
Molly: Clothes encounters of the weird kind.
Two men were lost in the desert. They were desperate for water, but just as they thought there was no hope, they chanced upon a village where market day was in full swing. They went to the first market stall they saw, and asked if they could buy some water. “No,” replied the stall owner, “I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.” So off they went to the next stall and again they asked for water. “Sorry,” said the merchant, “but I only sell custard.” “Custard?” one of the men said to the other, “What kind of place is this?” By then completely desperate, they went to the next stall, only to be told, “Sorry, but I only sell jelly.” Hearing this, one of the thirsty men turned to the other and asked, “Do you think this is a trifle bazaar?”
“If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.” -Herbert Block
The best time to buy a new car is at the end of the month, because the sales people want their monthly reports to look good.
“When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, ‘Are you two an item?’” -Author Unknown
Rule 1: The customer is always right.
Rule 2: If the customer is ever wrong, reread rule 1.
-Stew Leonard: policy of Stew Leonard’s dairy stores.
Overheard: Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a scuffle, the store manager pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. “Everything’s fine, folks,” he reassured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items.”
Sign at a farmer’s market: Please Do Not Put All Of Your Eggs In One Basket!
The first product to have a UPC bar code on its packaging was Wrigley’s gum.
Overheard: Aspirin, 300 for $2.88 - at that price, I cannot afford not to have a headache!
A small storeowner was being pressured to sell his store to the owners of a large department store who had bought every building on the block, except his. Frustrated by the man’s refusal to sell, they eventually opened their huge store on either side of the small one, with a big banner running from one side to the other, proclaiming in huge letters “Grand Opening.” Below it, across the front of his small store, the man put up a small banner over his door: “Main Entrance.”
“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” -Author Unknown
“Let the buyer beware.” -John Fitzherbert: “A Book of Husbandry” (1523)
Huan: What are cashiers in China called?
Lok: Chinese checkers.
The proprietor of a highly successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer. “Son,” he said, “after you have fitted the glasses, and the customer asks what the charge will be, you say,” ‘The charge is 98 dollars.’ Then you pause and wait to see if he flinches. If the customer doesn’t flinch, you then say, “For the frames. The lenses will be another 98 dollars.” Then you pause again, this time only slightly, and watch for the flinch. If he doesn’t flinch this time, you say firmly, “Each.”
“Shopping: Retail therapy.” -Joe Heuer
“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” -Franklin P. Jones
Gift Shop: A place where you can see all of the things that you hope your relatives will not send to you for Christmas.
Sales Clerk to Customer: “This is an actual fire sale. The boss said that if I do not make a sale today, I am fired.”
“There is hardly anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper, and the people who consider price only are this man’s lawful prey.” -John Ruskin
Shopping Tip: Do not shop when you are hungry. Shop after eating something, otherwise you will be tempted to buy everything that looks good and is edible in the store, including things you normally would not buy, things that you should not buy, and things that can ruin your diet and your budget.
“He is never likely to have a good thing cheap who is afraid to ask the price.” -Author Unknown
“People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.” -Author Unknown
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts cannot easily reach everything.
Like the wonders of the natural world, the Make Fun Of Life! Website is an ever-changing work-in-progress that will never be finished . . . so check back often to see all the new stuff we have in store for you.
Footprints in the sands of time were not made while sitting down . . .
“I want to get you excited about who you are, what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you. I want to inspire you to see that you can go far beyond where you are right now.” -Virginia Satir (1916 - 1988)
“Go as far as you can see, and when you get there you will see farther.” -Orison S. Marden (Orison Swett Marden (1850 - 1924))
“A somebody was once a nobody who wanted to and did.” -John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
“The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired, but becomes inspired because he is working. Beethoven, Wagner, Bach, and Mozart settled down day after day to the job in hand. They didn’t waste time waiting for inspiration.” -Ernest Newman
“Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.” -Madeleine L’Engle (Madeleine L’Engle Camp)
“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.” -Louisa May Alcott (1832 - 1888)
Do What You Want
Draw the art you want to see
Start the business you want to run
Play the music you want to hear
Write the books you want to read
Build the products you want to use
Do the work you want to see done
“This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
“One ought to, every day at least, hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1842): “Wilhelm Meister’s Lehrjahre” (“Wilhelm Meister’s Apprenticeship”) (1795 - 1796), book 5, chapter I
“When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either.” -Leo Burnett (1891 - 1971)
“Reach for the stars, even if you have to stand on a cactus.” -Susan Longacre
“We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals - and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
“No one knows what he can do until he tries.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
“You can have anything you want - if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
“Extraordinary people are committed to doing the extra things that ordinary people won’t.” -Christine Kinney
“The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.” -Author Unknown
“A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.” -Author Unknown: “Cinderella”
“Do everything. One thing may turn out to be right.” -Humphrey Bogart
“Triumph is just ‘umph’ added to ‘try.’” -Author Unknown
“The explanation of triumph is all in the first syllable.” -Author Unknown
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible” (King James Version, 1611), ‘Matthew,’ chapter 7, verses 7 and 8
“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” -Author Unknown
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.” -Jonathan Winters (Jonathan Harshman Winters III (1925 - 2013))
“The measure of achievement is not winning awards. It’s doing something that you appreciate, something you believe is worthwhile. I think of my strawberry soufflé. I did that at least twenty-eight times before I finally conquered it.” -Julia Child (Julia Carolyn Child (1912 - 2004))
“Almost invariably those who have reached the summits worked harder and longer, studied and planned more assiduously, practiced more self-denial, overcame more difficulties than those of us who have not risen so far.” -B. C. Forbes (Robert Charles ‘Bertie’ Forbes (1880 - 1954))
“There is only one small letter between the words Can and Can’t . . . and that one letter will t-otally change your destiny.” -Doug Firebaugh
“Knock the ‘t’ off the ‘can’t.’” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)
“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle; when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.” -Herb Caen (Herbert Eugene ‘Herb’ Caen (1916 - 1997))
“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.” -Dale E. Turner (1917 - 2006)
“‘How does one become a butterfly?’ she asked. ‘You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.’” -Trina Paulus: “Hope for the Flowers” (1973), available from www.HopeForTheFlowers.com.
“Tears will get you sympathy . . . Sweat will get you results.” -Author Unknown
“If you want to see something done, just tell some human beings it can’t be done. Make it known that it’s impossible to fly to the Moon, or run a hundred meters in nine-point-nine seconds, or solve Fermat’s Last Theorem. Remind the world that no one has ever hit sixty-two home runs in a season . . . stuffed eighteen people into a Volkswagen Bug . . . set half the world free . . . or cloned a sheep. Dangle the undoable in front of the world. Then, consider it done.” -Author Unknown: Merrill Lynch, advertisement
“A man’s ambition should be high. Not scratched in dirt - carved in the sky.” -Thomas L. Forest
“You will never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more chance there is of stubbing your toe, but the more chance you have of getting somewhere.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
There’s a Time
There’s a time to part and a time to meet,
There’s a time to sleep and a time to eat,
There’s a time to work and a time to play,
There’s a time to sing and a time to pray,
There’s a time that’s glad and a time that’s blue,
There’s a time to plan and a time to do,
There’s a time to grin and to show your grit,
But there never was a time to quit.
“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.” -Author Unknown
“Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.” -Author Unknown
“If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.” -Author Unknown
Good, Better, Best
Good, better, best,
Never let it rest
Until your Good is Better
And your Better is the Best.
“No dreamer is ever too small; no dream is ever too big.” -Author Unknown
Everybody Is Somebody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
“If you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and turn it on yourself.” -Author Unknown
Anything Can Be
Listen to the Mustn’ts, child,
Listen to the Don’ts
Listen to the Shouldn’ts
The Impossibles, the Won’ts
Listen to the Never Haves
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.
-Shel Silverstein (Sheldon Allan ‘Shel’ Silverstein (1930 - 1999)): “Where the Sidewalk Ends” (1974)
“You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.” -Author Unknown
“Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.” -Author Unknown
Did is a word of achievement,
Won’t is a word of retreat,
Might is a word of bereavement,
Can’t is a word of defeat,
Ought is a word of duty,
Try is a word each hour,
Will is a word of beauty,
Can is a word of power.
“Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing intensity. Remember that our sons and grandsons are going to do things that would stagger us. Let your watchword be order and your beacon be beauty.” -Daniel Hudson Burnham (1846 - 1912)
“I am not a has-been. I am a will-be.” -Lauren Bacall (1924 - 2014)
What I Would Like to Be
I would like to be a Could Be
If I could not be an Are,
For a Could Be is a May Be
With a chance of going far.
I would rather be a Has Been
Than a Might Have Been by far,
For a Might Have Been has never been
But a Has Been was an Are.
“I really don’t think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don’t mind the failure but I can’t imagine that I’d forgive myself if I didn’t try.” -Nikki Giovanni (born 1943)
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” -Wendell Johnson (1906 - 1965)
“Never forget all that you have survived, all that you have accomplished, all that you are capable of, all that you will do, your hopes and dreams and plans, and the bright future that awaits you. Go forward with extreme optimism!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” -Anne Frank (1929 - 1945): “The Diary of a Young Girl” (1952)
Risk more than others think is safe.
Care more than others think is wise.
Dream more than others think is practical.
Expect more than others think is possible.
-Claude T. Bissell (Claude Thomas Bissell (1916 - 2000))
“Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of a unanimity.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)): as quoted in “American Artist” (1949)
“Every day is another chance to make your dreams come true.” -Author Unknown
“There is something that I know about you that you may not even know yourself. You have within you more resources of energy than have ever been tapped, more talent than has ever been exploited, more strength than has ever been tested, and more to give than you have ever given.” -John Gardner (1933 - 1982.)
“Champions know there are no shortcuts to the top. They climb the mountain one step at a time. They have no use for helicopters!” -Judi Adier
“You can follow your heart - just don’t forget to take your head with you.” -Author Unknown
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.” -Tom Hiddleston (Thomas William Hiddleston (born 1981))
“When I’m inspired, I get excited because I can’t wait to see what I’ll come up with next.” -Dolly Parton (born 1946)
We have much more inspiration and motivation for you on the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website. To find it, go to the top of this page and click on ‘Inspiration & Motivation’ on the menu bar. Imagine all the good things that life has to offer, all the good things in the world . . . it is all out there waiting for you - what are you waiting for?
A truly sophisticated froggy finds fashionability, even in a rainforest. . .
“Going around under an umbrella interferes with one’s looking up at the sky.” -Jerzy Kosinski
“Spin the parasol three times and repeat after me: I shield in the name of fashion. I accessorize for one and all. Pursuit of truth is my passion. This I vow by the great parasol.” -Gail Carriger
Dale: What goes up when the rain comes down?
Gail: An umbrella!
Umbrellas and Parasols Facts
- Umbrellas keep the rain off your head.
- Umbrellas are made of waterproof material.
- Parasols keep the sunlight off your head.
- Parasols are often not made of waterproof material.
Uses for a broken umbrella include making a cloud on a stick, also known as a fluffy cotton parasol.
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella.
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.
-Charles Bowen: as published in Walter Sichel: “Sands of Time” (1923)
Mark Twain once told a story of trying to get rid of a wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in a trash can, but someone recognized it as his and returned it. Then he dropped it down a deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella and returned it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back. “Finally,” said Mr. Twain, “I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it again.”
Shane: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Shannon: Because it wasn’t raining.
“A rainy day is the only chance an umbrella gets to shine.” -Author Unknown
“All men are equal - all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.” -E. M. Forster (Edward Morgan Forster): “Howards End” (1910)
Spin, spin the parasol
Spin it, and it flies away -
When it stops,
It’s somehow on the floor.
Spin, spin the umbrella,
Water droplets fly everywhere.
Spin it, spin it,
And then spin no more!
Collapse it and stow it away,
To spin it yet another day.
-Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
Never go out on a rainy day without your big green frog . . .
Why are many umbrellas black? When umbrellas first came into popular use in the 18th century, they were made of oil-soaked cotton cloth stretched over whalebone. The application of the oil was to make the cotton cloth waterproof, but it also gave the cloth a black color. While this type of umbrella was waterproof, it was not very durable. Soon, better umbrellas were made, and since the color black was associated with effective waterproofing, most of the newer models were dyed black. However, for safety purposes, colored umbrellas, being more visible to motorists, may possibly decrease the likelihood of collisions with pedestrians. Clear umbrellas are also a good choice as they give their holders the ability to see through them.
Bella Had a New Umbrella
Bella had a new umbrella
Didn’t want to lose it,
So when she walked out in the rain
She didn’t ever use it.
Her nose went sniff,
Her shoes went squish,
Her socks grew soggy,
Her glasses got foggy,
Her pockets filled with water,
And a little green froggy.
All she could speak
Was a weak ‘kachoo!’
But Bella’s umbrella
Stayed nice and new.
Umbrellas were initially used to shade people from the sun, like parasols, not to protect people from the rain as they are today. In ancient Greece, umbrellas became a fashion accessory used by men and not women.
Tongue twister: Clever cats take cover. (Say ten times quickly.)
Norman: Did you hear about the responsible umbrella manufacturer?
Norma: Yes, they say he is saving his money for a sunny day.
Umbrellas are among the things of which you should always have at least two, in case you lose an umbrella or need to loan one to a friend. The two best times to buy an umbrella are before you need one and when it is not raining. When it starts raining, umbrellas sell quickly, and you might not be able to find one to buy.
“I walked around for a few hours. Around one-thirty it started raining lightly. Almost immediately the umbrella sellers turned up on the street corners. You’d have thought they had existed previously in spore form, springing miraculously to life when a drop of water touched them.” -Lawrence Block (born 1938): “Out on the Cutting Edge” (1989)
Marissa: What goes up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Clarissa: An umbrella!
A friend is someone who has an umbrella when it is raining . . .
“It is the habitual carriage of the umbrella that is the stamp of Respectability. The umbrella has become the acknowledged index of social position . . . Crusoe was rather a moralist than a pietist, and his leaf-umbrella is as fine an example of the civilized mind striving to express itself under adverse circumstances as we have ever met with.” -Robert Louis Stevenson (Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson (1850 - 1894)) and J. W. Ferrier: “Philosophy of Umbrellas” (1871)
The average life span of an umbrella is one-and-a-half years.
Marla: What kind of umbrellas do people carry on rainy days?
Merlo: Wet ones.
- Let others stand under your umbrella with you, including people and animals, if your umbrella is large enough, and if the others are not too weird.
- Shake the water off your umbrella before entering a building or vehicle, and then either place it inside a plastic bag, in an umbrella stand, or in another place where the water that runs off it will not create a dangerous slippery-slidey floor.
Otis: Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
Doris: Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
The Gingham Umbrella
Alphonso, Alphonso, Alphonso and Arabella
They happened to meet
A man in the street,
Who carried a gingham umbrella.
Alphonso possessed neither manners nor grace,
He made at this person a hideous face;
But how different the conduct of sweet Arabella,
Who praised with politeness the gingham umbrella.
The man was a nobleman, deeply disguised;
The compliment courteous he pointedly prized;
‘Sweet creature,’ he said, ‘come away from this feller,
And take both my heart and my gingham umbrella!’
The very next morning they met in the church,
And foolish Alphonso was left in the lurch;
And they said, ‘In the future you’ll know how to tell a
Great lord from a loon, by his gingham umbrella!’
-Laura Elizabeth Richards (1850 - 1943)
Marshall: What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?
Marsha: An umbrellaphant.
We know you can’t wait for it to rain, so that you can try out your new umbrella, with that great new umbrella smell! More fun follows on ‘MFOL!’
And then the bald eagle said, “Just exactly who are you calling ‘bald’?!”
“We’re all born bald, baby.” -Telly Savalas, actor who portrayed the bald detective in the television series “Kojak”
A bald-headed person named Twig
Once went for advice to a pig.
Said the pig, “Make some snares,
And catch a few hares,
And weave the hares into a wig.”
-Willard R. Espy
“You can resent your bald spot or be glad you have a head.” -Timothy Miller
Angelica: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Angus: Because from a distance, they look like hares.
Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover his balding head. One might wonder if that is how the whole silly notion of crowns and tiaras began.
Consolation for Baldness
What’s the advantage of hair, anyhow?
It blows in your eyes and it flops on your brow,
Disguising the shape of your scholarly head;
It often is gray and it sometimes is red.
Perhaps it is golden and ringleted, but
It needs to be combed and it has to be cut,
And even at best, it is nothing to boast of,
Because it’s what barbarous men have the most of,
Then challenge yourself, mirror, defiant and careless,
For lots of our handsomest people are hairless.
Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting visitors, has only to straighten his necktie.
The balding man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair, as there’s so little of it?” “Well,” said the barber, “actually I charge very little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”
Overheard: I am not bald; I am follicly-challenged.
There is a new remedy on the market for baldness. It is made of alum and persimmon juice. While it does not grow hair, it does shrink your head to fit what hair you have remaining.
Enoch: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
Ephraim: “Thanks, I’ll never part with this!”
As Captain Jean-Luc Picard might say, “To baldly go where no man has gone before . . . !”
Overheard: “I’m not bald; I’m just a little taller than my hair.”
One advantage of being completely bald is that a person can wash his or her head with soap only - no need for the bothersome and sometimes confusing array of bottles of shampoos and conditioners. This saves you 78.71 seconds of time each day that you can now put to good use - not to mention the fact that you now no longer need to waste time in the shampoo aisle at the store trying to find a shampoo that doesn’t smell like a beautifully fragrant flower growing next to a sewage treatment plant.
Gregory Griggs, Gregory Griggs,
Had twenty-seven different wigs.
He wore them up, he wore them down,
To please the people of the town.
He wore them east, he wore them west,
And never could tell which one he liked best.
Alternatives to wigs include hats and scarves.
Riddle: Six people went swimming but only five got wet hair - why?
Answer: One of the people was bald.
People with hair loss are no different than anyone else. In fact, at one time, they probably had hair just like you do, and at some time, you yourself may have some hair loss. So, when you see a bald man, woman, or child, treat him or her just as you would want to be treated if you were in the same circumstances. And, if a person has hair loss and wears a wig or toupee or has a comb-over, or wears a scarf or hat, never say anything bad about it - in fact, it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself and leave them unsaid than it would be to hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes people do not have a choice in what happens to them, so they do as best they can to live with how their lives have turned out. Still, they too, like to 'Make Fun Of Life!' . . . and they are always welcome here.
“There’s one thing about baldness: It’s neat.” -Don Herold
Bob: What is the cure for dandruff?
“Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.” -Author Unknown
Advice to fools: Bald people are intelligent and perceptive. Do not insult them, unless you are prepared to hear remarks about how one of your ears hangs lower than the other one, or how you have a freckle shaped like an otter on your left elbow and a trio of hairy moles dancing on your neck or some other characteristic that is twenty thousand times worse than what you might imagine baldness to be.
An Old Person of Brigg
There was an old person of Brigg,
Who purchased no end of a wig;
So that only his nose,
And the end of his toes,
Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.
“Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.” -William Hague, commenting on being bald
“I seem to have developed a compulsion to powder my wig . . . about 50 times a day now . . . professionals just don’t seem to be of any help.” -Author Unknown
Baldness: An admirable trait of the ideal human being, according to minimalists and efficiency experts.
Bald people never have bad hair days.
Chris: Why are you staring at me like that?
Kelly: I was just admiring your bald spot.
Some folks say that worry causes hair loss - that when the going gets tough, the tufts get going.
Old Man of Bombay
There once was a man from Bombay
Who wore on his head a toupee.
He thought that he might
Give friends a delight
And remove his toupee for a day.
The most common method to hide a bald spot is to remove all of one’s hair, making one’s entire self a giant bald spot.
An interesting thing about male pattern baldness is that it does not appear to come in checkers or plaids or stripes . . .
“I’ve always wanted to be bald. I mean it, completely bald. Wouldn’t it be great to be bald in the rain?” -Harrison Ford
- What hair color do they put on a bald person’s driver’s license?
- If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, does he or she have to wear a hairnet?
- Is there any way to avoid the ‘chrome dome’ look, in which a bald person’s head becomes shiny and reflective?
- Should bald people pay lower taxes than other taxpayers?
- How should bald people be treated?
“The most delightful advantage to being bald: one can hear snowflakes.” -R. G. Daniels
We have been losing what little hair we still have trying to come up with more baldness and wig humor and facts - can you help us? If so, please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. We have more humor and learning on a surprising variety of topics if you will just continue going down this page . . . this way to further ‘Fun & Learning’ . . . on ‘MFOL!’
“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
“A problem well stated is a problem half-solved.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.” -Maya Angelou (Marguerite Ann Johnson (1928 - 2014))
“The best angle to approach a problem is from the try angle.” -Author Unknown
“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” -Duke Ellington (1899 - 1974)
“Every big problem was at one time a wee little disturbance.” -Author Unknown
“All life is problem solving.” -Karl Popper (1902 - 1994)
“The easiest way to solve a problem is to pick an easy one.” -Franklin P. Jones (Franklin Pierce Jones (1908 - 1980))
“Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back.” -Paul Erdos (1913 - 1996)
“What a pity human beings can’t exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow’s.” -Olin Miller (1918 - 2002)
“The solution of every problem is another problem.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
Overheard: Everything is figureoutable.
“The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.” -Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
“I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.” -Paul Anderson
“Discovery of a solution consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” -Albert Szent-Györgyi (1893 - 1986)
“A feeling of confidence and personal power comes from facing challenges and overcoming them.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Problems are the price of success.” -Branch Rickey
“. . . so it will be forever; that after every storm the Sun will smile, for every problem there is a solution, and that the soul’s indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer . . .” -William R. Alger (William Rounseville Alger (1822 - 1905)): “The School of Life” (1881), ‘Lesson of Faith,’ page 71
“It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.” -Ashleigh Brilliant (Ashleigh Ellwood Brilliant (born 1933))
“It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.” -John Steinbeck (John Ernst Steinbeck, Junior (1902 - 1968))
“No problem can be solved until it is reduced to some simple form. The changing of a vague difficulty into a specific, concrete form is a very essential element in thinking.” -J. P. Morgan (John Pierpont ‘J. P.’ Morgan (1837 - 1913))
“There are as many solutions as there are human beings.” -George Tooker (George Clair Tooker, Junior (1920 - 2011))
“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)
“It is no good getting furious if you get stuck. What I do is keep thinking about the problem but work on something else. Sometimes it is years before I see the way forward. In the case of information loss and black holes, it was 29 years.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking (born 1942))
“‘We have a problem.’ ‘Congratulations.’ ‘But it’s a tough problem.’ ‘Then double congratulations.’” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
“The one common challenge of all humanity is the challenge of problems.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“After every difficulty, ask yourself two questions: ‘What did I do right?’ and ‘What would I do differently?’” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” -Author Unknown
“Your problems aren’t going to solve themselves, you know.” -Author Unknown
A mollusk has an elegant solution to a problem. When something irritates the lining of its shell, the mollusk responds by coating the irritant in a layer of the same material as the inside of its shell, commonly referred to as mother of pearl. The result is often the highly sought-after shiny smooth hard round object called a pearl. The problem is an irritant; the solution is a pearl. Does the mollusk teach us a lesson for dealing with problems?
“Focus on remedies, not faults.” -Jack Nicklaus (born 1940)
“Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” -Joshua J. Marine
“All problems become smaller if you don’t dodge them, but confront them.” -William F. Halsey (William Frederick ‘Bull’ Halsey (1882 - 1959))
“This problem, too, will look simple after it is solved.” -Charles F. Kettering (Charles Franklin Kettering (1876 - 1958))
“We will find the solution . . . together.” -Author Unknown
“An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities - a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity.” -Howard W. Eves
“Do not be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom.” -Earl Shoaf (similar quotation attributed to Jim Rohn)
“You are the only problem you will ever have and you are the only solution.” -Bob Proctor
“A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye, and it puts everything out of focus. Hold it at proper viewing distance, and it can be examined and classified. Throw it at your feet, and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway to eternity.” -Celia Luce
“Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.” -Carl Jung (Carl Gustav Jung)
“The best way to escape from your problem is to solve it.” -Robert Anthony
“Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.” -René Descartes (1596 - 1650): “Discours de la Methode” (1637)
“Beset by a difficult problem? Now is your chance to shine. Pick yourself up, get to work, and get triumphantly through it.” -Ralph Marston (born 1955)
“There are no problems, just challenges.” -Author Unknown
“Don’t tell me that this problem is difficult. If it wasn’t difficult, it wouldn’t be a problem.” [English translation]
“Ne me dites pas que ce problème est difficile. S’il n’était pas difficile, ce ne serait pas un problème.” [original French]
-Ferdinand Foch (Ferdinand Jean Marie Foch (1851 - 1929))
“Avoid problems, and you’ll never be the one who overcame them.” -Richard Bach (born 1936)
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” -Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923)
Overheard: All of the easy problems have already been solved.
“It’s good to remember that the tea kettle, although up to its neck in hot water, continues to sing.” -Author Unknown
“Focus on the solution, not the problem.” -Walter Anderson
“Every problem contains within itself the seeds of its own solution.” -Stanley Arnold
“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.” -Author Unknown
“When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (Richard Buckminster ‘Bucky’ Fuller (1895 - 1983))
“It isn’t that they can’t see the solution. It is that they can’t see the problem.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
“When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970)): “The Psychology of Science” (1966)
“Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.” -Henry J. Kaiser (Henry John Kaiser (1882 - 1967))
“Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles.” -Arnold Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998))
“No problem is so complicated that you cannot make it more complicated.” -Andy Grove (Andrew Stephen ‘Andy’ Grove (1936 - 2016))
“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek out problems because we need their gifts.” -Richard Bach (born 1936)
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” -Denis Waitley (born 1933)
“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” -Alan Watts (Alan Wilson Watts (1915 - 1973))
Problems worthy of attack
prove their worth by hitting back.
-Piet Hein (1905 - 1996)
“Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“The issue is not that our problems are too big but that our imaginations are too small.” -Marianne Williamson (born 1952)
“It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.” -Pope John XXIII (born Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli (1881 - 1963))
“Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“The most important thing to do in solving a problem is to begin.” -Frank Tyger (1929 - 2011)
“The first requisite for success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem incessantly without growing weary.” -Herbert Spencer
“The ‘how’ thinker gets problems solved effectively because he wastes no time with futile ‘ifs.’” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.” -Theodore N. Vail
“I am so grateful for my troubles. As I reflect back on my life, I have come to realize that my greatest triumphs have been born of my greatest troubles.” -Steve Maraboli (born 1975): “Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience” (2013)
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“To solve a problem, walk around.” -Jerome (also known as Eusebius Sophronius Hieronymus (about C.E. 347 - C.E. 420))
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . may all of your problems be funny ones . . . and all of your solutions be fun . . .
A tongue twister is a group of words that gets your tang all tongueled up . . .
On Holidays and Fridays
Down the slippery slide they slid
Sitting slightly sideways;
Slipping swiftly, see them skid,
On holidays and Fridays.
Katie saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Grin-Again Gang Gets Gung-Ho About Gladness.
Tongue twisters consist of sequences of sounds, typically of an alliterative type (we will have more to say about that in our upcoming ‘Alliterations’ topic; suffice it to say for now that they are repeated sounds). Tongue twisters are difficult to pronounce quickly and correctly, as for example, ‘Matilda tied twine to three tree twigs.’ Tongue twisters can help people develop their speech skills, and are used in speech therapy as an aid in helping people overcome stammers, stutters, lisps, and accents. To obtain the full benefit of a tongue twister, try to repeat it several times, as quickly as possible, without stumbling or mispronouncing the words. Remember, practice makes perfect.
A tiny tiger thinks tough thoughts.
Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
An oyster met an oyster,
And they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters,
And they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk,
And they were oyster stew.
Six slippery snails suddenly slid seaward.
Betty Botter had some butter,
“But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter
would make my batter better.”
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So ‘twas better that Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
-Carolyn Wells (1862 - 1942)
How many tweets could a tweeter tweet, if a tweeter could tweet tweets? A tweeter would tweet as many tweets as a tweeter could tweet, if a tweeter could tweet tweets.
There once was a man who had a sister, his name was Mr. Fister. Mr. Fister’s sister sold sea shells by the sea shore. Mr. Fister didn’t sell sea shells, he sold silk sheets. Mr. Fister told his sister that he sold six silk sheets to six sheiks. The sister of Mr. Fister said she sold six shells to six sheiks, too!
She Sells Sea-Shells
She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore;
The shells she sells are sea-shells, I’m sure,
For if she sells sea-shells on the sea-shore,
Then I’m sure she sells sea-shore shells.
-Terry Sullivan: “She Sells Sea-Shells” (1908), song; music by Harry Gifford
Some soldiers shudder when shrill shells shriek.
The zany zoo’s zesty zebra zigzags with zeal.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread;
Don’t say it with your mouth full!
Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid* will eat ivy too, now wouldn’t you?
* kid: a young goat.
“In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire hurricanes hardly ever happen.” -Author Unknown: “My Fair Lady” (25 December 1964), a musical based upon George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950): “Pygmalion” (16 October 1913)
Sally Swim and Sadie Slee
Sally Swim saw Sadie Slee
Slowly, sadly swinging.
“She seems sorrowful,” said she.
So she started singing.
Sadie smiled: soon swiftly swung;
Sitting straight, steered swiftly.
“So,” said Sally, “something sung
Scatters sunshine swiftly!”
Five fat friars furiously fanned flames for frying frogs’ legs.
Silly Sally’s Sheep
Silly Sally swiftly shooed
Seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack;
Sheep should sleep in a shed.
“Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop,” said the shiny sign.
Bust to Dust
A maid with a duster
Made a furious bluster
Dusting a bust in the hall.
When the bust it was dusted
The bust it was busted,
The bust it was dust, that’s all.
Sarah saw a shot-silk sash shop full of shot-silk sashes as the sunshine shone on the side of the shot-silk sash shop.
Shut the Shutter
“Go, my son, and shut the shutter,”
This I heard a mother utter.
“Shutter’s shut,” the boy did mutter,
“I can’t shut ’er any shutter.”
“Little by little and whittle by whittle the whittler whittled a little winged warbler of willow wood.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
In the movie “Singin’ in the Rain” (1 January 1952), voice coaches use tongue twisters to help silent film actors Don Lockwood (played by actor Gene Kelly) and Lina Lamont (played by actress Jean Hagen) learn proper diction so that they can make the transition from silent films to talkies (movies with sound) in 1920’s Hollywood. In the movie “My Fair Lady” (25 December 1964), phonetics Professor Henry Higgins (played by Rex Harrison), made use of the tongue twister “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” as an aid in training flower girl Eliza Doolittle (played by Audrey Hepburn) to speak without a Cockney accent and to speak like a proper English lady. In the movie “The King’s Speech” (6 September 2010), speech therapist Lionel Logue (played by actor Geoffrey Rush) trains Prince Albert, Duke of York, later to become King George VI (played by actor Colin Firth) to overcome his stammer using the tongue twister, “I have a sieve full of sifted thistles and a sieve full of unsifted thistles, because I am a thistle sifter,” so that he can make public speeches. These are examples, the first two fictional and the second based on actual historical events, in which tongue twisters were used to help people correct or change how they spoke.
How much myrtle would a wood turtle hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle? A wood turtle would hurdle as much myrtle as a wood turtle could hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle.
A Twister of Twists
A twister of twists once twisted a twist,
And the twist she was twisting
Was a three-twisted twist.
And in twisting this twist
She became entwisted -
Will you pray untwist
The three-twisted twist
In which the twister of twists is entwisted?
Say each number and letter aloud:
2 Y’s U R.
2 Y’s U B.
I C U R.
2 Y’s 4 me!
I wish I hadn’t washed this wristwatch.
I’ve washed all the wheels and works.
This wristwatch which was washed,
Oh, how it jumps and jerks!
Samuel said several slippery slithering snakes snickered snootily.
How many cookies could a good cook cook, if a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook would cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
How much wood
Would a woodchuck chuck,
If a woodchuck
Could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck
All the wood he could chuck,
If a woodchuck
Could chuck wood.
Rubber baby buggy bumpers. (Say it three times fast!)
The Smothers brothers’ father’s mother’s brothers are the Smothers brothers’ mother’s father’s other brothers.
Bear and Boar
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar.
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
Of that boar that bored him on the moor,
And so one morn he bored the boar -
That boar will bore the bear no more!
“Work will win when wishy washy wishing won’t.” -Thomas S. Monson (born 1927)
Two tree toads tied together tried to trot to town twice.
(We’re thinking it must have been similar to one of those three-legged races humans have.)
Six sly sailors sold seven slightly salted salmon.
Mr. See and Mr. Soar
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw
Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw,
See’s saw would not have sawed
So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See’s saw sawed
If you wanted to become the world’s foremost authority on tongue-twisters, how would you start, and then what would be your next step, and your next step after that? Could you find employment in the language or speech department of a university?
You’ve No Need to Light a Night-Light
You’ve no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light’s light’s a slight light,
And tonight’s a night that’s light.
When a night’s light, like tonight’s light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.
How many cans could a camel can if a camel could can cans?
Three free throws.
Tongue twisters can be used just for fun, yet tongue twisters can also be used to treat hiccups; aid in overcoming speech defects such as lisps and stuttering; test the fit of dentures; assist in screening applicants for positions as announcers and broadcasters; and reduce violence between people (as part of an overall effort at humor). It’s true!
“Martha makes marvelous muffins,” muttered Matthew.
A pop-up blocker blocks bothersome pop-ups.
The following is a diction test for would-be radio announcers, “To be read clearly, without mistakes, in less than 20 seconds.”
“I bought a bit of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits. Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits and mixed the big biscuits with the basket of biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a tin of sardines.”
-Author Unknown: “Coronet Magazine” (August 1948)
Sometimes Cheryl thinks such soft thoughts.
Eleven elves laughingly licked eleven little licorice lollipops.
Imagine if instead of ‘tongue twisters,’ they were called ‘tongue ticklers,’ and every time you tried to say one, you started laughing uncontrollably . . . what a wonderful world that would be!
Wandering Walter went to Wales to watch walruses.
Do tell, do tongue twisters twist your tongue terribly? Anyone can make a tongue twister, no special skills required, and so with great anticipation, we eagerly await the arrival of your tongue twisters at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. May the bluebird of happiness be always perched upon your windowsill with a bright song in its heart!
I fill my mind with positive thoughts that create positive outcomes.
What are affirmations? Affirmations are expressions that can transform your life by influencing the way you think about yourself, others, and the world around you. When you change how you think, you change how you act, and the results can be immensely rewarding.
Today, I will concentrate on taking one step forward, however small it might be.
Today I will be the best me that I know how to be.
Following is the ‘formula’ first used at the clinic of psychologist Émile Coué in Nancy, France. What he called his ‘formula’ was an affirmation, which he prescribed to his patients, to be repeated by them 15 to 20 times in the morning and again in the evening of each day:
“Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” -Émile Coué (Émile Coué de la Châtaigneraie (1857 - 1926)): “How to Practice Suggestion and Autosuggestion” (1923)
A limerick may provide further insight:
On Monsieur Coué
This very remarkable man
Commends a most practical plan:
You can do what you want
If you don’t think you can’t,
So don’t think you can’t - think you can.
-Charles Cuthbert Inge (1868 - 1957): “The Week-end Book” (1928), page 217
I am intelligent and capable of success in any endeavor which I may choose.
“As long as you know what it is you desire, then by simply affirming that it is yours - firmly and positively, with no ifs, buts, or maybes - over and over again, from the minute you arise in the morning until the time you go to sleep at night, and as many times during the day as your work or activities permit, you will be drawn to those people, places, and events that will bring your desires to you.” -Scott Reed
I have confidence.
New opportunities are calling to me and I am ready to answer the call.
You can create your own affirmations, or select affirmations from those found in this topic that you believe best apply to you and your particular circumstances. Write your affirmations on a piece of paper, and place it where you will be sure to read it daily, as for example, on your car dashboard, on your refrigerator door, or on your bedroom mirror. You could also type affirmations into your cell phone or other device. If you keep a diary or journal, consider challenging yourself to write a new affirmation in it for each day.
What I have done before I can do again, even better.
“I am optimistic and confident in all that I do. I affirm only the best for myself and others. I am the creator of my life and my world. I meet daily challenges gracefully and with complete confidence. I fill my mind with positive, nurturing, and healing thoughts.” -Alice Potter
I like fresh salads.
“It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief, and once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.” -Claude M. Bristol (Claude Myron Bristol (1891 - 1951)): “The Magic of Believing” (1948)
I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
“I am - the two most powerful words in the world, for whatever we put after them becomes our reality.” -Susan Howson
I am worthy of the respect, attention, and love that I receive from others.
“Affirmations are a form of thought training - training yourself how to think, just as running every day conditions an athlete to compete in a footrace, or studying every day prepares a student for a test.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
I see the best in myself and others.
I have confidence to try new things.
“You are what you think about all day long.” -Robert H. Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
I feel good about myself.
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
I am stronger than everything that happened in the past.
I am stronger than my present circumstances.
I am strong today and will be even stronger tomorrow.
I appreciate and acknowledge the participation and contributions of others.
“One comes to believe whatever one repeats to oneself sufficiently often, whether the statement be true of false. It comes to be dominating thought in one’s mind.” -Robert Collier (1885 - 1950)
I can face my fears and work to overcome them.
“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993)
I focus on what I can do right now.
“What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.” -Robert Collier (1885 - 1950)
“I’m not here to be average, I’m here to be awesome!” -Author Unknown
The ghosts of my past can no longer haunt me.
I enjoy saving money and investing money.
“I really like who I am.” -Geordi Laforge, character played by actor LeVar Burton in the “Star Trek” television episode “Loud as a Whisper” (9 January 1989)
I will remain confident and unaffected by negative attitudes around me.
Life is good and getting better.
“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” -Watty Piper (pseudonym of Arnold H. Munk (1886 - 1957)): “The Little Engine That Could” (1930)
I am patient with myself.
I begin working on tasks the moment the thought of the tasks occurs to me.
“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.” -Otto Rank (1884 - 1939)
I can live my life without knowing all of the answers.
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” -attributed to Solomon: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Book of Proverbs,’ chapter 23, verse 7
I feel happiness and joy just from being alive.
“If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it I know I can achieve it.” -Author Unknown
I am able to relax and maintain good form when around strangers or in unfamiliar situations.
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” -Al Franken (born 1951), playing the character Stuart Smalley on “Saturday Night Live” (9 February 1991)
I can help others without expecting them to give me anything in return.
I am at peace with myself and the Universe.
“Affirmations provide a way to inoculate against negative thinking.” -Author Unknown
I will live as if my dreams are possible, and work each day to make them happen.
I am a good person.
I feel great when I go on a walk.
I am a responsible person.
“Every word you speak and every thought you think is an affirmation for your future.” -Cheryl Richardson at http://www.cherylrichardson.com/
I like who I am becoming.
I speak with confidence and calm assurance.
What is self-talk? Self-talk is simply another term for affirmations. You can choose to say affirmations aloud, or say them silently to yourself, or write them on paper or read them.
I keep myself in excellent physical condition.
I always have time for my friends.
I can learn how to live with pain so that I can get what I want from my life.
“The most influential person who will talk to you all day is you, so you should be very careful about what you say to you!” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
Today I am planting the seeds of new beginnings.
I am a friendly person.
“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
I am doing pretty good - how can I do better?
I seek new adventures.
“I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.” -Louise L. Hay (Louise Lynn Hay (born 1926)) at www.louisehay.com
I am in charge of my feelings, and today I am choosing happiness.
“My life is my business. I don’t let somebody else run it.” -Author Unknown
I am too blessed to be stressed!
If we are what we think about, what should we think about?
I am divinely guided in all that I do.
“Our minds can shape the way a thing will be because we act according to our expectations.” -Federico Fellini (1920 - 1993)
I am a good listener.
I will imagine the best and focus on that.
I am living in the present moment: the here and now.
“Say affirmations ‘as if’ they were already a reality.” -Author Unknown
I can enjoy leisure without guilt and anxiety.
I can handle criticism with ease.
Today I view my childhood without shame.
I am a friend to myself. I love me.
I am ready for a fresh start, a new perspective, and an ‘I can do it’ attitude.
Do you have a favorite affirmation? Please share it with the other fine folks who visit the website, by sending it to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com, and perhaps it will become one of their favorites as well. This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . wishing you the best imaginable day and miles or kilometers of smiles.
All things considered, activities such as skydiving are less dangerous to your health and longevity than eating starchy foods and staring at a computer screen day after day . . . give yourself a break!
“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” -Byron Katie (born 1942)
“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which came to me as a seed goes to the next as a blossom and that which came to me as a blossom, goes on as fruit.” -Dawna Markova: “I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion” (1 October 2000)
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” -John Heywood (1497 - 1580): “A Dialogue of Proverbs” (1546)
“You have to be careful about being too careful.” -Beryl Pfizer (1928 - 2016)
“Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages $25 per week.” -Author Unknown: Pony Express advertisement (1860)
“What is life, but one long risk?” -Dorothy Canfield Fisher (1879 - 1958)
“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
“I risked much, but I made much.” -P. T. Barnum (Phineas T. Barnum (1810 - 1891))
“All men’s gains are the fruit of venturing.” -Herodotus (484 B.C.E. - 425 B.C.E.)
“The greatest rewards in life go to the risk takers.” -Jim McCormick
“Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.” -David Lloyd George (1863 - 1945)
“They say we are all one risk away from being financially independent.” -Author Unknown
“‘You’ve got to be able to make those daring leaps or you’re nowhere,’ said Muskrat.” -Russell Hoban (Russell Conwell Hoban (1925 - 2011)): “The Mouse and His Child” (1967)
The Cautious Man
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played.
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied.
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never died.
“Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.” -Karl Wallenda
Aaron on the side of caution!
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” -Neale Donald Walsch (born 1943)
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” -Norah Jones (Geetali Norah Jones Shankar (born 1979))
“The greatest happiness begins at the edge of our comfort zone.” -Mary Kay Mueller
“There is no security on this Earth; there is only opportunity.” -Douglas MacArthur (1880 - 1964)
“We all live our lives in comfort zones, avoiding risky situations, avoiding the potential to fail. But in order to get ahead of your competition, you’ve got to go out of your comfort zone. Now your comfort zone is something that you live your whole day, you whole life in. You go to work and do what has to be done to get by. You’ve got to try to do more. Try that little new thing, that different approach. Get out of your comfort zone and see if it works. It may, it may not, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.” -Mary Lou Retton
“And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” -Erica Jong (Erica Mann Jong (born 1942))
“There’s as much risk in doing nothing as in doing something.” -Trammel Crow
“Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (born 1940)
“The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.” -Leo Buscaglia (Felice Leonardo ‘Leo’ Buscaglia, also known as Leo F. Buscaglia (1924 - 1998))
“There’s no such thing as a risk-free life.” -Author Unknown
“Just remember, kid: if it doesn’t kill you, it makes a great story later on.” -Adam Savage
“Take risks - if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.” -Author Unknown
“You fail by not taking risks.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Land is always in the mind of the flying birds.” -Author Unknown
“Better hazard once than always be in fear.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)
“The only way to be absolutely safe is never to try anything for the first time.” -Magnus Pyke
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.” -John A. Shedd (John Augustus Shedd (1859 - 1928)): “Salt from My Attic” (1928), page 20 (similar quotation attributed to William G. T. Shedd)
“If you’re never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.” -Julia Sorel (pseudonym of Rosalyn Drexler): “See How She Runs” (1978)
“When you play it too safe, you’re taking the biggest risk of your life. Time is the only wealth we’re given.” -Barbara Sher
“Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.” -Herodotus (484 B.C.E. - 425 B.C.E.)
“Anything can be achieved in small, deliberate steps. But there are times you need the courage to take a great leap; you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.” -Author Unknown
“It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all.” -William James (1842 - 1910): “The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy” (1897)
“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.” -Henry Drummond
“Life is not without risk; life is a series of risks; all life is risk; life is a risk; life is risk.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” -Sarah Ban Breathnach (born 1947)
“Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.” -George S. Patton (George Smith Patton, Junior (1885 - 1945))
“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” -Author Unknown
“I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” -Kurt Vonnegut (Kurt Vonnegut, Junior (1922 - 2007))
“Security is not the meaning of my life. Great opportunities are worth the risk.” -Shirley Hufstedler (Shirley Ann Mount Hufstedler (1925 - 2016))
“Don’t play for safety. It’s the most dangerous thing in the world.” -Hugh Walpole
“Leap and the net will appear.” -John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
“The policy of being too cautious is the greatest risk of all.” -Jawaharlal Nehru (1889 - 1964)
“Naught venture, naught have.” -Thomas Tusser (about 1524 - 1580)
“If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.” -Neil Simon (born 1927)
“He that would have the fruit must climb the tree.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734)
“Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on Earth for you. Act for yourself.” -Katherine Mansfield (1888 - 1923): “Journal” (14 October 1922)
“Look before you leap.” -Robert Greene (1558 - 1592): “Greenes Never Too Late” (1590)
“If you don’t live on the edge, you can’t see the view.” -Vicky Corrington
“Take a risk a day - one small or bold stroke that makes you feel great once you’ve done it.” -Susan Jeffers (1938 - 2012)
“Everything you want in life is right outside your comfort zone.” -Robert Allen
“Yes, risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking.” -Tim McMahon (born 1949)
“Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.” -Author Unknown
“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” -Colin Cowherd
“Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.” -Author Unknown
“The person who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure thing boat never gets far from shore.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“If you take no risks, you’ll never be hurt, but you won’t really live, either.” -James Shiovitz (James L. Shiovitz)
“It is not given us to live lives of undisrupted calm, boredom, and mediocrity. It is given us to be edge-dwellers.” -Jay Deacon
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
“Live dangerously and you live right.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
“We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring.” -David Grayson (1870 - 1946)
“The secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is - to live dangerously!” -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900): “Die fröhliche Wissenschaft” (“The Gay Science”) (1882), book 4
“If you risk nothing, then you risk everything.” -Geena Davis
“The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.” -Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937): as attributed in Ichak Adizes: “How to Solve the Mismanagement Crisis” (1979)
Affirmation: “I will subject myself to life’s challenges so that I may know the grace of survival.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: Take a chance; you never know what might happen.
“Who dares nothing, need hope for nothing.” -Friedrich von Schiller (Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller (1759 - 1805)): “Don Carlos” (1787) play
“Of course risk taking does not always pay off. But it’s a lot of fun!” -Mary Wesley
“The future belongs to the risk takers, not the comfort seekers.” -Brian Tracy (born 1944)
“He that is overcautious will accomplish nothing.” [English translation]
“Wer gar zu viel bedenkt, wird wenig leisten.” [original German]
- Friedrich von Schiller (Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller (1759 - 1805)): “Wilhelm Tell” (1804)
“The desire for security stands against every great and noble enterprise.” -Tacitus (about C.E. 56 - about C.E. 120)
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” -T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888-1965))
“If it’s both terrifying and amazing, then you should definitely pursue it.” -Author Unknown
“Without the very few risk takers who risk it all, none of us would enjoy freedom, because tyrants and oppressors are fearless in their determination to control humanity and the world, and the majority will do absolutely nothing to stop them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“If you don’t take risks, you will always work for someone who does.” -Author Unknown
“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” -Denis Waitley
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . try it, you might like it; if not, you can later say, “I tried that once, it didn’t suit me at all.”
“Impossible things are simply those which so far have never been done.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
“Never let the word ‘impossible’ stop you from pursuing what your heart and spirit urge you to do. Impossible things come true every day.” -Robert Cooper
“Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.” -Author Unknown
“You can’t pick a lock with a pickle, you can’t cure the sick with a sickle, pluck figs with a figment, drive pigs with a pigment, nor make your watch tick with a tickle. You can’t slacken your gait with a gaiter, you can’t get a crate with a crater, catch moles with a molar, or bake rolls with a roller. But you can get a wait from a waiter.” -Author Unknown: in “Sunshine Magazine”
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” -Pablo Picasso (Pablo Diego Jose Francisco do Paula Juan Nepomuceno Cipriano de la Santissima Trinidad (1881 - 1973))
“When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible.” -Nancy Coey
“The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.” -Richard M. DeVos
“We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.” -Vince Lombardi (Vincent Thomas Lombardi (1913 - 1970))
“I have learned to use the word ‘impossible’ with the greatest caution.” -Wernher von Braun (Wernher Magnus Maximilian, Freiherr von Braun (1912 - 1977))
“Impossible: A word that is to be found only in the dictionaries of fools.” -Author Unknown
“You have to believe in the impossible.” -Howard Head
“I believe anything is possible. Research into quantum physics proves that a system changes simply by someone observing it. Therefore, all you have to do is be awake and aware of your environment, and that enables you to transform everything around you. It sounds like hocus pocus, but scientists are coming to realize that just thinking about something can make it happen. Turns out maybe faith can move mountains.” -Christine Anderson
“The impossible is possible if you want it to be.” -Author Unknown
“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” -Walt Disney (Walter Elias ‘Walt’ Disney (1901 - 1966)): as attributed in Derek Walker: “Animated Architecture” (December 1982), page 10
“We have no limits - we create them in our mind.” -Bud Labranche
“Most of the things worth doing in the world were said to be impossible before they were done.” -Louis Brandeis (Louis Dembitz Brandeis (1856 - 1941))
“Things that are impossible just take longer.” -Ian Hickson
“The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.” -Arthur C. Clarke (Arthur Charles Clarke (1917 - 2008))
“There is nothing impossible to him who will try.” -Alexander of Macedonia (also known as Alexander the Great (356 B.C.E. - 323 B.C.E.))
“The impossible is often the untried.” -Jim Goodwin
“Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said. ‘One can’t believe impossible things.’ ‘I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.’” -Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898)): “Through the Looking-Glass” (1872), chapter 5
“What is impossible today that if made possible would change everything?” -Joel Barker
“Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.” -Doug Larson (1902 - 1981)
“It is our duty as human beings to proceed as though the limits of our capabilities do not exist.” -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881 - 1955)
Impossible: Something that nobody can do - until somebody does it!
“If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything, including those things that other people are certain are impossible.” -William L. Phelps (William Lyon Phelps (1865 - 1943))
“Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.” -John Heywood (about 1497 - 1580): “Proverbs” (1546)
“Yes, you can be a dreamer and a doer too, if you will remove one word from your vocabulary: impossible.” -Robert Schuller (Robert Harold Schuller (1926 - 2015))
“Nothing is impossible.” -Author Unknown
“The difficult is what takes a little time; the impossible is what takes a little longer.” -Fridtjof Nansen (1861 - 1930): as quoted in the “Listener” (14 December 1939)
“Everything is always impossible before it works.” -Hunt Green
“What we need are more people who specialize in the impossible.” -Theodore Roethke (1908 - 1963)
“Nothing is impossible; the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” -Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993) (similar quotation attributed to Monsieur Nana Adom)
“You can do the impossible, because you have been through the unimaginable.” -Christina Rasmussen (born 1972)
“When someone tells you that you can’t do something, perhaps you should consider that they are only telling you what they can’t do.” -Sheldon Cahoon
“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” -Francis of Assisi (1181 - 1226)
“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.” -Author Unknown: Adidas print advertisement featuring an image of Muhammad Ali published in “ESPN” (1972) magazine, as attributed in John C. Maxwell: “The Difference Maker” (2006), page 53
“Everything is always impossible before it works.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
“It is the act of a madman to pursue impossibilities.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180))
“Every great achievement was once considered impossible.” -Author Unknown
“Do not suppose that, if you find something hard to achieve, it is beyond human capacity; rather, if something is possible and appropriate for man, assume that it must also be within your own reach.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180)): “The Meditations” (C.E. 167)
“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” -Author Unknown
“To get profit without risk, experience without danger, and reward without work is as impossible as it is to live without being born.” -A. P. Gouthey (Aldolph Philip Gouthey (some sources may show Adolph Philip Gouthey) (1892 - 1963))
“All things are possible until they are proved impossible and even the impossible may only be so, as of now.” -Pearl S. Buck (Pearl Sydenstricker Buck (1892 - 1973)): “A Bridge for Passing” (1962)
“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” -Jamie Paolinetti
“It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.” -Robert H. Goddard (Robert Hutchings ‘Bob’ Goddard (1882 - 1945))
“To believe a Business impossible, is the Way to make it so.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 5138
“You cannot make a silk purse of a sow’s ear.” -Stephen Gosson (1554 - 1624): “The Ephemerides of Phialo” (1579)
“So many things are possible just as long as you don’t know they’re impossible.” -Norton Juster: “The Phantom Tollbooth” (1961)
“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” -Walter Bagehot (1826 - 1877)
“Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott
“There is no limitation other than what you think.” -Kenneth Mills
“Anything in life is possible if you make it happen. And it’s never too late.” -Jack La Lanne
“When someone tells you it can’t be done, it’s more a reflection of their limitations, not yours.” -Author Unknown
“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man’s determination.” -Tommy Lasorda
“Never tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the Moon.” -Paul Brandt
“What ‘exists’ is only a small part of what is ‘possible.’” -Pere Alberch
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible” (NIV), ‘Matthew,’ chapter 19, verse 26
“Think of the thing you cannot do, and then do it.” -Author Unknown
“Every noble work is at first impossible.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
“It’s going to be difficult, but difficult is not impossible.” -Author Unknown
“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities - always see them, for they’re always there.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“Either I will find a way, or I will make one.” -Philip Sidney (1554 - 1586)
“Most of the things worth doing in the world have been declared impossible before they were attempted.” -Earl Nightingale (1921 - 1989)
“What is now proven was once only imagined.” -William Blake (1757 - 1827): “Proverbs of Hell” (1790 - 1793)
“All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible.” -Frank Richards
“There is a better way to spell ‘impossible’: ‘I’m possible.’” -Author Unknown
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . wishing you many trouble-free days as you make your way through this world of the possible . . .
Yummy, the Earth is a giant ball of rabbit food . . . you said a mouthful!
Albert: Do you know why rabbits jump?
Elbert: Is it because they are in a hoppy mood?
Rabbits are extremely quiet, fast moving animals with big eyes, whiskers, and short tails. They have medium-length, thick fur that is white, tan, brown, gray, or black, with some having more than one color to their fur. Size varies among the different species of rabbits and between wild rabbits and domesticated rabbits. Generally, fully-grown rabbits can be 20 to 60 centimeters (8 inches to 24 inches) in length from nose to tail. They have big ears that can be up to 10 centimeters (4 inches) long, to listen for danger. Rabbits can weigh 0.5 kilograms to 3 kilograms (1.1 to 6.6 pounds). Rabbits have big, powerful hind legs, which they use for hopping and for digging burrows in the ground.
Cynthia: Why does your rabbit always have a shiny nose?
Cecilia: Because it has its powder puff on the wrong end.
- An adult male rabbit is called a buck or a jack.
- An adult female rabbit is called a doe or a jill.
- A young rabbit is called a bunny or a bunny rabbit.
- A group of rabbits is called a colony or a nest.
- The sounds made by rabbits are called squeaking and drumming.
- Rabbits are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- A rabbit in the wild usually lives for less than 3 years.
- A rabbit in captivity can live for about 8 years.
Abbie: What kind of cars do rabbits drive?
Rabbits live in a variety of environments, including deserts, swamps, marshes, forests, grasslands, and prairies. They are found on every continent except Antarctica. More than half of the world’s rabbits live in North America.
Gwendolyn: How do you comb a rabbit’s fur?
Glenard: With a harebrush.
Although they look similar enough to be confused one for the other, rabbits and hares are actually two different species of animals. One notable difference is that hares are not domesticated and cannot be kept as pets. Hares are wild animals. Rabbits, however, come in wild and domesticated varieties.
Mercy: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
Marcy: “It’s been nice gnawing you!”
Rabbits are herbivores, or plant-eaters. They eat grasses, herbs, leaves, bark, twigs - and they are especially partial to the vegetables that grow in people’s gardens.
“Once upon a time there were four little Rabbits, and their names were - Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter . . .” “You may go into the fields or down the lane, but don’t go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.” -Beatrix Potter: “The Tale of Peter Rabbit” (1902)
Cindy: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Mindy: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!
Rabbits dig homes in the ground called burrows. Rabbits are gregarious animals, meaning that they often live in groups. A group of rabbit burrows connected by tunnels is called a warren, and a group of rabbits is called a colony.
Josie: How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?
Joey: Only one, if it hops right to it!
Bunnies, or young rabbits, are born in burrows (with the exception of the cottontail rabbit, which does not burrow). Does, or the mother rabbits, make fur-lined nests for their bunnies, within their burrows. Bunnies are born blind, with their eyes closed, and without fur.
An infant rabbit had lost its parents and was orphaned. Fortunately, though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This led to some strange behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency to not jump, but instead run around like the other squirrels. One day the rabbit was really feeling sad, so it went to its squirrel adoptive parents to discuss the problem. After explaining to them how it felt different from its squirrel adoptive siblings, they gave it a big hug and said, “Don’t scurry, be hoppy!”
Warren: What do you call a rabbit that tells jokes?
Aaron: A funny bunny!
Wild rabbit populations can increase very quickly. This can be a major problem for people living in areas where they can eat the crops planted by farmers and gardeners. Feral rabbits, or domesticated rabbits that run around loose and live like wild animals, can also be a serious threat to the plants humans value. If you have pet rabbits, never let them go loose, or they will create the same problems as wild rabbits.
Russell: Why did the bunny go to the dance?
Randal: To do the bunny hop!
In 1859, 24 rabbits were released in Australia, and within six years, the population had grown to two million rabbits.
Kimmy: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Timmy: Unique up on it.
Kimmy: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Timmy: Tame way.
“Shhhhhhhh, be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits, heheheheheheh.” -Elmer Fudd
Marcia: How do you fix a broken wascawy wabbit hunter?
Cindy: With Elmer’s glue.
Rabbits in the wild live for less than 3 years because they have a great many predators. Predators are animals that hunt, kill, and eat other animals. Predators of rabbits include bobcats, coyotes, dogs, eagles, foxes, hawks, humans, lynxes, raccoons, and weasels.
Bob: What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
Rob: A very dumb bunny!
“When the wolf invites the rabbit to dinner, the rabbit should first know what is on the menu.” -Author Unknown
Rabbits can reach speeds of 29 kilometers (18 miles) an hour. They must be able to move fast so that they can outrun predatory animals that want to eat them.
Becca: What is a twip?
Becky: A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
Congratulations, you have caught the Easter Bunny . . . well, almost. Shown is a Flemish Giant Rabbit, a type of domesticated rabbit that can be kept as a pet. They average about 6.8 kilograms (15 pounds) in weight and can be just a little over 1.2 meters (4 feet) long. These docile floppity-woppity flopsie-wopsies are available in black, blue, fawn, sandy, light gray, steel gray, and white - so there is sure to be one to complement your decor. Visit http://flemish-giant.com.
Rabbits talk to each over short distances other by thumping, or tapping, their feet on the ground, in a similar way to how elephants communicate.
Jack: What do you call one-hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
Zack: A receding hairline!
Before you adopt pet rabbits, you will want to know a little about their ways. Rabbits were at one time classified as rodents (animals of the order Rodentia), but in 1912, they were moved to an order of animals called lagomorphs (animals of the order Lagomorpha). Lagomorphs are strict herbivores (plant eaters), while rodents are omnivores (eaters of both plants and animals). Lagomorphs have four upper incisors (teeth designed for cutting), but rodents have only two. A similarity between lagomorphs and rodents is that the incisors of both types of animals grow constantly throughout their lifetimes, necessitating the regular (often daily) chewing of material to keep them short enough for proper use. If you have pets belonging to either order, you may find they chew on their wire cages or other enclosures, not because they are misbehaving or trying to escape, but because it is essential for them to keep their incisor teeth short, much as humans need to regularly trim their fingernails. It is recommended that you supply your pets with material for them to chew on, such as blocks of raw wood, which is wood that has not been painted, varnished, or treated with preservative chemicals. People at your local pet supply store should be able to give your more information about this.
Bess: What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
Ross: A 14-carrot ring!
I’d like to run like a rabbit in hops,
With occasional intermediate stops.
He is so cute when he lifts his ears,
And looks around to see what he hears.
Your rabbit should always have clean, fresh water available. Wash out its water bowl daily, or if you use a bottle, empty it daily, wash the bottle, cap, and nozzle, and refill with fresh, clean water. A hydrated, or adequately supplied with water, rabbit is a happy rabbit.
Peter: What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider?
Greg: A hairnet.
People often keep rabbits in hutches. A typical rabbit hutch is made of a wire cage with a wire floor and a latched door, and is attached to a wooden box with a latched lid, angled so that rainwater and melting snow will drain off it like it does off the slanted roof of a house. The rabbits can freely go back and forth in an opening between the wire cage and the wooden box. The cage and box have legs attached to them, keeping the hutch off the ground and at a height that allows easy access to the animals through the cage door and box lid.
A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. “What are you doing in there?” she asked. The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?” The lady furrowed her brow. “Why, yes,” she said, “it is.” “Well,” the rabbit said, “I’m westing.”
A bunny, or young rabbit, can be carried by the scruff of its neck. The scruff is an area of loose skin at the nape, or back of the neck, that can be gripped and held while lifting a bunny, and if done carefully, no harm will be done to the animal. Mother rabbits move bunnies by gripping the scruffs of their necks in their mouths. Humans, of course, should use their hands, to avoid getting a mouthful of rabbit fur. When rabbits become fully-grown, they weigh more, so carrying adult rabbits by the scruff of their necks can be painful for them, and additionally, being prey animals, they have a natural urge to resist, that is, to fight against and attempt to escape from, anyone who attempts to grab onto them. Always keep in mind that rabbits have sharp teeth, sharp claws, and strong hind legs that can deliver a powerful kick. When lifted, an adult rabbit should be held with both hands, firmly but gently. As a rabbit becomes trusting of you, you may be able to scoop it up in your bent arm and hold it against your chest.
Andy: Where do rabbits eat breakfast?
DeAnne: At IHOP! (International House Of Pancakes - let’s hop on over there for some chow right now!)
Pet rabbits that live inside people’s homes are often referred to as ‘house rabbits.’
Son: Dad, how do you catch a rabbit?
Dad: Boy, in order to catch a rabbit, you must hide behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot, and when a rabbit comes along, you reach out and grab it!
If you have a rabbit, find a local veterinarian who is familiar with rabbits. The veterinarian can tell you if your rabbit is healthy, and if it needs a change in diet, vitamins, shots, or a salt block. The vet can also answer any rabbit-related questions you might have.
- In Tuscumbia, Alabama, it is against the law to have more than eight rabbits per city block.
- In Hayden, Arizona, if you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
- In Kansas, rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
- In New York State, it is illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.
- In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.
Bud: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
Mack: An animal that never forgets to eat its carrots!
A Welsh rabbit, also known as a Welsh rarebit, is a dish of melted cheese on toast.
Estelle more Ether Bunnies!
Somoa Ether Bunnies!
Consumption be done about all these Ether Bunnies?
Hop away - Ether Bunnies all gone!
Flopsy: What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits?
Mopsy: Rabbits’ habits.
Rabbits are scientifically categorized as follows.
- Domain: Eukarya (multicellular organisms with mitochondria).
- Kingdom: Animalia (animals).
- Phylum: Chordata (animals having a notochord).
- Subphylum: Vertebrata (animals with backbones).
- Class: Mammalia (mammals, which are warm-blooded animals with fur or hair and that nurse their young).
- Order: Lagomorpha (which includes rabbits, hares, and pikas).
- Family: Leporidae (rabbits and hares).
- Genus: 10 genera of rabbits exist, each having its own unique scientific name.
- Species: 28 species of rabbits exist, each having its own unique scientific name.
Ella: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
Eloise: A boy scout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Rabbits are not without risk. Rabbits are known to eat themselves to death, by gorging until they bloat, if left alone with too much food. A little rabbit food is good for a rabbit, but more is not necessarily better. So if you have a pet rabbit, know its limits when it comes to food. Do not stuff it with carrots or other high-calorie bulky food, but instead give it dried hay, and a small amount of fresh raw grass, clover, and green leafy vegetables such as lettuce and spinach greens. When it comes to carrots, give your rabbit the green carrot leaves and keep the orange carrot root for yourself. Too much food makes for a fat, unhealthy rabbit and can also shorten its life.
- What does a rabbit look like?
- Where do rabbits live?
- What do rabbits eat?
- Would a Welsh rabbit make a good pet?
Peter: What did the gray rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Perry: “Cheer up!”
I’m a Little Bunny
I’m a little bunny with a cotton tail,
See me hop down the bunny trail.
When I spy a carrot, my ears they shake,
Then, of course, a bite I take. “Crunch!”
Now let’s bunny-hop to the next topic . . . on ‘MFOL!’
Increasingly, the difference between being disabled, handicapped, differently abled, or much like everyone else, really comes down to more and more just a matter of perceptions, attitudes, and opinions . . .
“My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking)
A disability or handicap is any condition that could be perceived as being an impediment to quality of life or some essential aspect of living. For example, being dependent on a wheelchair, cane, or walker for mobility could be considered a disability. Other examples of disabilities or handicaps include physical disfigurements, dyslexia, stuttering, and hearing impairments. Sometimes the same condition can at times be a disability and at other times, it can be a handicap, depending on the circumstances.
“Here is how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which you are different from everyone else: be indifferent to that difference.” -Al Capp (Alfred Gerald Caplin (1909 - 1979)): “My Well-Balanced Life on a Wooden Leg” (1991)
“Focus on your abilities rather than your limitations.” -Author Unknown
“Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.” -Author Unknown: Special Olympics, motto (Special Olympics is a program of competitive sports for athletes with physical or mental challenges. The first Special Olympics event was held on 26 July 1969 in Los Angeles, California, United States of America)
Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, and Jonathan Swift all suffered from Ménièr’s disease, a condition in which the hearing and balance senses cause hissing, roaring, or whistling sounds to be perceived.
Affirmation: Today I will rejoice in my abilities.
“I was the last one picked on every team when I was a kid. I was a klutz. If you had ever told me that I would make being an athlete my profession, I would have laughed at you.” -Dianna Golden, United States one-legged World Champion skier, as quoted in Bill Littlefield: “Champions: Stories of Ten Remarkable Athletes” (1993)
“It’s not our disabilities, it’s our abilities that count.” -Chris Burke
“When every day we learn something, we are succeeding.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
When people think of guide animals for the blind, they usually think of dogs. However, there are also other types of working animals, such as guide horses, which are miniature horses about the size of very large dogs. Unlike regular horses, guide horses do not wear metal shoes nailed to their hooves, but instead wear shoes that can look similar to the casual shoes and dress shoes that people wear.
A World of Smile
About ten years ago when I was an undergraduate in college, I was working as an intern at my University’s Museum of Natural History. One day while working at the cash register in the gift shop, I saw an elderly couple come in with a little girl in a wheelchair.
As I looked closer at this girl, I saw that she was kind of perched on her chair. I then realized she had no arms or legs, just a head, neck, and torso. She was wearing a little white dress with red polka dots.
As the couple wheeled her up to me, I was looking down at the register. I turned my head toward the girl and gave her a wink. As I took the money from her grandparents, I looked back at the girl, who was giving me the cutest, largest smile I have ever seen. All of a sudden, her handicap was gone and all I saw was this beautiful girl, whose smile just melted me and almost instantly gave me a completely new sense of what life is all about. She took me from a poor, unhappy college student and brought me into her world, a world of smiles, love, and warmth.
That was ten years ago. I’m a successful business person now and whenever I get down and think about the troubles of the world, I think about that little girl and the remarkable lesson about life that she taught me.
The first seeing-eye dog was presented to a blind person on 25 April 1938.
“Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one’s best.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick (1878 - 1969): as quoted in Lillian Eichler Watson, editor: “Light from Many Lamps” (1951), page 155
Alexander of Macedonia (also known as Alexander the Great (356 B.C.E. - 323 B.C.E.)) and Julius Caesar (Gaius Julius Caesar (100 B.C.E. - 44 B.C.E.)) were both epileptic.
“The worst thing about a disability is that people see it before they see you.” -Author Unknown: Easter Seals organization at www.easterseals.com
Thomas Edison (Thomas Alva Edison (1847 - 1931)) was one of the most prolific inventors of all time. He was also completely deaf from the age of twelve.
Some people say everyone should be ‘sensitive’ to people with disabilities, but taken too far, their so-called sensitivity is really an attempt to baby people - and an insult. Politically correct tyrants who claim they know what it’s like often don’t know and should let the disabled speak for themselves on what life is like for the disabled.
Steve Austin, the “Six Million Dollar Man,” was technically a disabled person who was enabled by ‘bionics.’
“When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forward.” -Author Unknown: Swedish saying
Be more than compliant . . . be welcoming . . . signs by http://www.hsisign.com.
In 1973, two blind Peruvian soccer teams played a match using a ball filled with dried peas. The sound made by the dried peas as the ball moved made it possible for them to know the direction and location of the ball.
You never know who might have a disability that you can’t see . . .
Just as some people talk in their sleep, sign language speakers have been known to sign in their sleep.
“When you hear the word ‘disabled,’ people immediately think about people who can’t walk or talk or do everything that people take for granted. Now, I take nothing for granted. But I find the real disability is people who can’t find joy in life and are bitter.” -Teri Garr
Highlight of a capable disabled person: Edward Lear (1812 - 1888) traveled extensively, including to Egypt and India, as a talented watercolor painter of birds, animals, and landscapes. He made marvelous paintings of parrots and did whimsical illustrations for the many limerick poems he wrote. For a time, he even gave drawing lessons to Queen Victoria. Yet Edward Lear had poor eyesight and suffered from epilepsy and asthma. He was a lonely man, often terribly depressed, and was convinced that those who met him were repelled by his appearance. He took refuge in the wonderful nonsense of his poems. Edward Lear can be counted as one of the persons with disabilities who have made our world a better place, and you will find many of his limericks on the 'Make Fun Of Life!' Website.
“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” -Mignon McLaughlin (1913 - 1983): “The Neurotic’s Notebook” (1960)
An artificial hand with fingers moved by cogwheels and levers was designed in 1551 by Frenchman Ambroise Paré. It worked so well that a handless cavalryman was able to grasp the reins of his horse.
“Your disability will never make God love you less.” -Author Unknown
People who are blind from birth smile despite never having seen anyone smile before. Smiling is a natural, or instinctual, human reaction.
“The severity of one’s disability does not determine their level of potential. The greatest barriers that persons with disabilities have to overcome are not steps or curbs, it’s expectations.” -Karen Clay
“Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they’re yours.” -Richard Bach (born 1936): “Illusions” (1977)
“Disability does not mean inability. Perhaps disability does not even mean disability in the sense it did just a short time ago.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“You don’t have to be handicapped to be different - everybody’s different.” -Kim Peek
“Every person deserves the chance to reach his or her full potential.” -Author Unknown
Disabled and handicapped and differently abled people sometimes have to ignore the remarks of people who say things such as, “People like you can’t do that,” “People like you should just go home, watch television, and stay out of public life.” Such remarks are as ignorant as when people say, “Women can’t do that,” “Women should stay in the home and let their husbands do all the earning and men only should have the career opportunities.” Some of the people who try to limit what people can do even sound very much like the people who say, “People with your skin color/hair color/eye color/freckles/height/baldness/weight just can’t do those kinds of things and should keep out of mainstream life.” The people who say such things are wrong, and while it is sometimes possible to just ignore them, at other times it becomes necessary to bring their words and actions to the awareness of others or even to take legal measures in extreme cases.
I pitied him in his blindness
But can I boast, “I see”?
Perhaps there walks a spirit
Close by, who pities me.
-Harry Kemp (1883 - 1960)
“People with disabilities have abilities too and that is what this course is all about - making sure those abilities blossom and shine to that all the dreams you have can come true.” -Mary McAleese
“My ability is stronger than my disability.” -Theresa Sherida
“It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven’t done badly. People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking)
“We differ, blind and seeing, one from another, not in our senses, but in the use we make of them, in the imagination and courage with which we seek wisdom beyond the senses.” -Helen Keller (Helen Adams Keller (1880 - 1968))
“The only true disability is a crushed spirit.” -Aimee Mullins
It is as simple as this: Treat people who might seem different from you as they want to be treated, or at the very least, as you would want to be treated if you were in their position.
“You’re not disabled by the disabilities you have, you are able by the abilities you have.” -Author Unknown
At the end of World War One, the German government trained the first guide dogs for war-blinded soldiers.
“Handicaps can only disable us if we let them. This is not only of physical challenges, but of emotional and intellectual ones as well . . . I believe that real and lasting limitations are created in our minds, not our bodies.” -Roger Crawford
Some disabilities are noticeable, and some disabilities are not immediately noticeable. Can you name some of each?
“Don’t make fun of people with disabilities, regardless of what the disability is. It may be a physical one, it may be a mental one, but these disabilities do not stop them from being wonderful human beings. Everyone has feelings and everyone can feel hurt.” -Author Unknown
“Being disabled should not mean being disqualified from having access to every aspect of life.” -Emma Thompson
“Our attitudes determine how we evaluate our life’s experiences. They determine how we evaluate ourselves. They also govern how we look at other people. Are we inclined to judge an eternal soul by the appearance of an earthly body? Do we see the beautiful soul of a brother or sister, or do we only see that person’s earthly tabernacle? Bodies can be distorted by handicap, twisted by injury, or worn by age. But if we can learn to see the inner man and woman, we will be seeing as God sees, and loving as He loves.” -Dallin H. Oaks
Be kind to people with limitations . . . you may feel awkward for a brief moment . . . they know awkwardness over a lifetime . . .
“However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.” -Stephen Hawking (Stephen William Hawking)
“Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you’re needed by someone.” -Martina Navratilova
José Feliciano was born poor and blind on 10 September 1945 in Lares, Puerto Rico. Some of the neighbors suggested that he get a cup and beg for money like blind people were supposed to do, but José refused. He found an “old piece of guitar” and taught himself how to play. He practiced day and night, night and day, often until his fingers were painful or lost feeling. Today José Feliciano is considered one of the greatest guitarists of all time. He wrote the popular song “Feliz Navidad” (1970), the eighth all-time most popular digital single of the Christmas holiday season. Website: www.josefeliciano.com.
You are the handicap you must face.
You are the one who must choose your place.
-James Lane Allen (1849 - 1925)
“Know me for my abilities, not my disability.” -Robert M. Hensel
Always tell people, “If you are seeing only my disability, you are not seeing the real and complete me.” . . . we can’t wait to see what is coming next . . . on ‘MFOL!’
We could save twice as much money if we ordered some for now and takeout for later . . .
Drive-through customer: “I would like a plain cheeseburger.”
Drive-through order-taker: “Would you like cheese on that, sir?”
Al and Bert went to a Chinese restaurant, where they ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as Al was about to serve himself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and he briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down. “Good grief, did you see that?” he asked Bert. He did not, so Al asked him to look in the pot. Bert reached for it, and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down. Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what had happened, and demanded an explanation. “Please, sir,” stammered the waiter, “what did you order?” Bert replied, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah! So sorry, my mistake,” said the waiter. “I brought you Peeking Duck!”
Customer: I am so hungry that I could eat a horse.
Waiter: Well, you have certainly come to the right place.
Signs on the restroom doors at a seafood restaurant: ‘Buoys’ and ‘Gulls.’
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my peach cobbler.
Waitress: Yes, sir. It is a fruit fly.
A guy was down on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, “Big Red Lobster Tales $5 Each.” Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, “$5 each for lobster tails - is that correct?” “Yes,” she said, “it is our special just for today.” “Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.” “No,” she replied, “It is the really big lobster.” “Are you sure they are not green lobster tails, and a little bit tough?” “No,” she said, “it is the really big red lobster.” “Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said with amazement. “They must be old lobster tails.” “No, they are definitely today’s.” “Today’s big red lobster tails, for $5 each?” he repeated, astounded. “Yes,” she insisted. “Well, here is my five dollars,” he said, “I will take one.” She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster . . .”
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink?
Customer: Do you have diet water?
Lucille: What is egomaniacal, dresses in a funny costume, and works in a restaurant?
Lucinda: Darth Waiter.
Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Looks like it is learning to swim, sir.
“You name it, we will make it!” declared a big sign outside a new restaurant. “There is no food we cannot make for you!” “Excuse me sir,” said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like, please, a garden salad with Russian dressing.” “Russian dressing?! I have never even heard of Russian dressing! What are we going to give this guy?” shouted the head cook. “Do not worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I will take care of everything, you just make the salad.” And that is how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big garden salad and a newspaper picture of a Russian businessman knotting his necktie.
Customer: Waiter, there is a small slug in my salad.
Waiter: I am sorry - would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
A guy walked into a restaurant and ordered eggs. The waitress said, “How would you like those eggs cooked?” The guy said, “That would be great.”
Customer: Waitress, there is a caterpillar in my salad.
Waitress: Yes, ma’am, there is no extra charge.
Fried chicken is the most popular meal ordered in full-service (not fast-food) restaurants in the United States of America. The next in popularity is roast beef, followed by spaghetti, turkey, baked ham, and fried shrimp.
Customer: Have you any wild duck?
Waitress: No, but we can take a tame one and annoy him for you.
Customer: Waiter, you have your thumb on my steak!
Waiter: Well, I did not want it to fall on the floor again, sir.
A truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. “Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup - are they foreign objects?” She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here - they are strictly locals.”
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my salad!
Waiter: No, ma’am, that is our last customer, after our evil wizard chef cast a magic spell on her.
Overheard: In a restaurant, always choose a table near a waiter.
Customer: Server, there is a twig in my soup!
Server: I am sorry, madam. I will call our branch manager.
A guy walked into a fancy restaurant, but they would not let him in without a necktie. So, he got the jumper cables out of his car and tied them around his neck. He went back to the restaurant and said, “Okay, can I get in now?” They answered, “Well, all right, but you better not start anything.”
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my chop suey.
Waitress: That is nothing - wait until you see what is in your fortune cookie.
Joey: Why did the waiter serve the physician a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich?
Jo: Because that is ‘just what the doctor ordered.’
Millicent and Mildred were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted: “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” Mildred said to Millicent, pointing to the sign, “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a $20, I would not be eating here!”
Customer: Waitress, there seems to be a hippopotamus in my soup.
Waitress: Is it not quite remarkable that I could even carry it to your table?
Overheard: I go to a restaurant not far from where I live that has the worst service. Sometimes I have to wait an hour to be served. I do not mind the long wait, though, because the food is so awful.
Diner: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Now that is a fly that knows good soup.
“There is no such thing as a free lunch.” -Milton Friedman
Diner: I just found a collar button in my soup.
Waiter: I wondered where that was.
Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad, and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak, and got a calf!
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Wait one minute while I get a spider.
I saw a sign in a restaurant that read, “Watch Your Hat and Coat.” So I did, and somebody stole my dinner!
Customer: Waitress, there is a bee in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, it is the fly’s day off.
A customer said to a waiter, “Please bring over the manager; I cannot tell if this is coffee or tea. I ordered coffee, but it tastes like gasoline.” The waiter replied, “If it tastes like gasoline; it is definitely coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.”
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Do not worry, sir. The spider in your salad will get it.
Overheard: So, does this restaurant serve baby food? I never see it on the menu.
Customer: There is a beetle in my soup!
Server: Sorry, ma’am, we are all out of flies today.
“Excuse me, but do you have dandruff?” asked the woman when her waiter kept scratching his head. “No, ma’am,” replied the waiter. “We only have what is on the menu.”
Customer: Do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: Yes, sir.
Customer: Then hop to the kitchen and get me a sandwich.
An epicure, dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew;
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too!”
Customer: Have you been to the zoo?
Waiter: No, sir.
Customer: Well, you ought to go. You would enjoy seeing the turtles go whizzing by.
Sign behind counter at a diner: Please do not complain about the coffee - you may be old and weak yourself one day.
Customer: Waiter, bring me something to eat, and make it snappy!
Waiter: How about a crocodile sandwich, ma’am?
Today’s Special: Barely Soup.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” -George Carlin
Customer: Waitress, what kind of soup is this? I ordered pea soup, and this tastes like soap.
Waitress: My mistake, that is tomato soup. Pea soup tastes like shampoo.
Overheard: I have been eating fast food for years, and it is really starting to slow me down.
Diner: This sauerkraut is not sour enough.
Waiter: Sir, it is not sauerkraut - it is noodles.
Diner: In that case, it is sour enough for noodles!
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office the other day to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under ‘Reason unable to work,’ she had written, “Cannot stand to cook any longer.”
Customer: This food is not fit for a pig!
Waitress: I am sorry, ma’am; I will bring you some that is.
A health inspector walked into a restaurant and said to the manager, “You have too many roaches in here.” The manager said, “How many am I allowed?”
Customer: I have not found any ham in this ham sandwich yet.
Waitress: Try another bite.
Customer, with a mouth full of sandwich: Nope, not yet.
Waitress: Well, you must have gone right past it.
If restaurant critics really do get to eat for free, then we want to start a new second career during our lunch hour today.
Waitress: We are famous for our snails here.
Customer: I know. I have been served by one already.
I went to a restaurant, and they had Mulligan stew on the menu, so I called a waiter to get me a clean menu that I could read.
Diner: Waiter! This stew is terrible. What is it made of?
Waiter: The chef calls it his enthusiastic soup.
Waiter: He puts everything he has into it.
In a typical restaurant, customers get 27 cents worth of food for each dollar they spend. We certainly pay a ‘good deal’ of money for atmosphere and service.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Go ahead and eat it, there are plenty more where that came from!
Customer: Waitress, this fish is bad.
Waitress: You are a bad fish. Bad, bad, bad!
Tip for spotting a good restaurant: Do not go to a restaurant that has a ‘help wanted’ sign in the window, because it is hard enough to get waited on in a restaurant that has plenty of help.
Waitress: How did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I looked and looked, and there it was, hiding under a pea.
A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with a baked potato. About halfway through dinner, he called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.” She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”
Customer: This soup tastes funny.
Waitperson: Then why are you not laughing?
Customer: Make me a cheeseburger.
Short-Order Cook: Fine. Presto-change-o, you are a cheeseburger!
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs here?
Waiter: Yes, ma’am, we serve everybody.
Customer: Waiter, why is there a frog in my drink?
Waiter: Because things go better with croak.
Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?
Waiter: It appears he is learning to read, sir.
Diner: Waiter, do you have frog’s legs?
Waiter: No, sir; I have always walked like this.
Customer: Waitress, there is a fly in my soup!
Waitress: Yes, sir, and if you will push over that pea, he will play water polo.
Customer: Take back this steak. I have been trying to cut it for ten minutes, but it is so tough I cannot make a dent in it.
Waitress: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot take it back. You have bent it.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my stew!
Waiter: They do not seem to care what they eat, do they?
Customer: Waiter, there are 134 flies in my soup.
Waiter: Two more, and we will beat the world record!
Customer: Waiter, there is a cockroach in my salad!
Waiter: Sorry. We ran out of flies.
Customer: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Hang on; I will get you a fork.
Customer: I cannot eat this steak. Call the manager.
Waiter: It is no use, sir. He could not eat it either.
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: They come for the ambience . . . and stay for the food.
You are now on the 'Make Fun Of Life!' Website . . . fueled by just the right blend of imagination and reality.
“Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
On 18 April 1930, the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) announced, “There is no news today,” and played piano music instead.
Leah: What is black and white and sleeps all day?
Alexia: A snooze-paper.
“People have the illusion that all over the world, all the time, all kinds of fantastic things are happening - when in fact, over most of the world, most of the time, nothing is happening.” -David Brinkley (1920 - 2003): as quoted in Sy Safransky, editor: “Sunbeams: A Book of Quotations” (1990)
This just in: Mathematicians have announced the existence of a new whole number that lies between 27 and 28. “We don’t know why it’s there or what it does,” says Cambridge mathematician Dr. Hilliard Mumford. “We only know that it doesn’t behave properly when put into equations, and that it is divisible by six, though only once.”
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.” -Kim Alexis
Slow news day: A day on which news-oriented folks have little or no new news to share, and they go to extraordinary lengths to make anything they can find into a news story - this happens more often than you might think. Sometimes they even resort to showing pictures of kittens and puppies to hold the viewers’ attention.
Marjory: Who is always up on current events?
Jerome: The electrician.
News Story: New York. At LaGuardia Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested for trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was discovered that he taught students to solve their problem with the help of radicals.
“I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures.” -Earl Warren (1891 - 1974): as quoted in “Sports Illustrated” (22 July 1968)
- British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
- Children Make Nutritious Snacks
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Corporations Cashing In On The Year 200 Glitch
- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
- Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
- Hospital Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
- If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Jail Releases Upset Judges
- Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty
- Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
- Man Booked For Wreckless Driving
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- March Planned For Next August
- Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
- Peace May Be A Threat To Continuation Of War
- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Thief Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Wicked Chicken Lays Deviled Eggs
“Early in life I had noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a newspaper.” -George Orwell (pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair (1903 - 1950))
Marty: What do you get when you cross a dog with a journalist?
Clark: A rover reporting (a roving reporter).
“When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog, that is news.” -Charles Anderson Dana: as quoted in the article, ‘What is News?’ in “The New York Sun” (1882) newspaper
Classified ad: Free to good home - Great Dane. Cheerful, playful, will eat anything. Especially fond of children.
“Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.” -Ben Hecht (1893 - 1964)
The cub reporter’s first assignment was to stand outside on the sidewalk and interview people as they laughed all the way to the bank.
“Name names!” the crusty old editor insisted to his young reporters. “No story is complete without the names of everyone involved.” The youngest and newest member of his staff wrote the following news article on a local disaster: Three farms in our area were affected by the severe lightning storm that struck Tuesday night. Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Morrison reported a fire in one of their barns. Bernard Hewitt said several of his trees were knocked down by severe wind gusts. And, Alfred Jones reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Daisy, Bonnie, and Milky Way.
“I am not convinced that the world is in any worse shape than it ever was. It is just that in this age of instantaneous communication, we bear the weight of problems our forefathers only read about after they were solved.” -Burton Hillis (pseudonym of William Edward ‘Bill’ Vaughan (1915 - 1977))
Newspaper Advertisements and Classified Ads
- Cute Kitten For Sale, 2 Cents Or Best Offer.
- For Sale: Lee Majors (Six Million Dollar Man) - $50.
- Found: Dirty Dog, Looks Like A Rat, Been Out A While, Better Be A Reward.
- Free Puppies. Part German Shepherd, Part Dog.
- Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog.
- Free: 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3-Bedroom, 2-Bath House.
- Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat.
- Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 Cents A Pound.
- German Shepherd. 85 Pounds. Speaks German. Free.
- Fishing Gear - Largest Selection Ever - “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!”
- Exercise Machine $300 - Hardly Used - Call Chubby, 555-5182.
- Notice: To Person Or Persons Who Took The Large Pumpkin On Highway 87 Near Southridge Storage. Please Return The Pumpkin And Be Checked. Pumpkin May Be Radioactive. All Other Plants In Vicinity Are Dead.
- Shakespeare’s Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
- Tickle Me Elmo. New, In Box. Hardly Tickled. $70.
“The mission of the modern newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” -William Randolph Hearst (1863 - 1951)
Two editors on vacation met on the beach.
First Editor: I say, are you burning from the Sun?
Second Editor: No, I’m Smith from the “Times.”
“Never argue with people who buy ink by the barrel.” -Author Unknown
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
“None love the bearer of bad news.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
Riddle: What is black and white and read all over?
Solution: A newspaper.
The word ‘news’ did not come about because it was the plural of ‘new.’ It came from the first letters of the words North, East, West, and South. This purportedly was because information was being gathered from all different directions.
If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
Two editors of rival local newspapers did not get along, and used their newspapers to do battle. “The editor of the “Daily Express” is mean enough to steal the swill from a blind hog,” wrote the editor of the “Daily Post.” The next day the following comment appeared in the “Daily Express,” “The editor of the “Daily Post” knows that we never stole his swill.”
“Newspapers should have no friends.” -Joseph Pulitzer (1847 - 1911)
Newspaper clippings can be preserved by soaking them in a mixture made of a large bottle of club soda and a cup of milk of magnesia; soak for twenty minutes, and air dry. The results will last for many years.
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” -Jerry Seinfeld (Jerome Allen ‘Jerry’ Seinfeld (born 1954))
“A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news or not.” -Henry Fielding (1707 - 1754)
A car accident occurred in a small town. A crowd surrounded the victim, so that a newspaper reporter could not manage to get close enough to see. He immediately hit upon an idea. “I’m the father of the victim!” he cried. “Please let me through.” The crowd let him pass, and he was able to get right up to the scene of the accident and discover, to his embarrassment, that the victim was a donkey.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))
“Headlines twice the size of events.” -John Galsworthy (1867 - 1933)
When Eugene Field was a newspaper reporter in Chicago, he wrote in his column, “Half the aldermen in the city are crooks.” The mayor demanded a retraction, so the next day Field wrote, “Half the aldermen in the city are not crooks.”
Headline: Rolling Stones Sue Apple For Trespassing On Their Cloud.
“They kill good trees to put out bad newspapers.” -James G. Watt: as quoted in “Newsweek” magazine (8 March 1982)
In today’s economic news: Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
“Generally speaking, the press lives on disaster.” -Clement Attlee (Clement Richard Attlee (1883 - 1967))
“World Ends; Women and Minorities Hardest Hit” -Author Unknown: proposed “New York Times” newspaper headline
The Kiss of Life. Marian Morris from Arkadelphia, Arkansas, resuscitated her brother’s pet chicken Boo-Boo, and saved its life, after it was found floating face down in the family’s pond. Mrs. Morris, a retired nurse, said, “I breathed into its beak, and its eyes popped open. I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again. I said, ‘I think this chicken’s alive now. Keep it warm.’” Boo-Boo got her name because she is easily frightened. It is thought she flopped into the pond after being startled. She made a full recovery, reports “The Sun.”
“Get it first, but first get it right.” -Seymour Berkson (Seymour Joel Berkson (1905 - 1959))
“‘USA Today’ has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up seventy-five percent of the population.” -David Letterman
“One of the things the news media does very well is to make a minority look like a majority.” -Author Unknown
Old Proverbs Become News Headlines
- Bad Workman Blames Tools - Again
- Birds Of A Feather Go Their Separate Ways
- Ducks Refuse To Get All In A Row
- Fool Is Reunited With His Money
- Late Bird Misses Early Worm
- Mice Play During Cat’s Absence
- Moss Finally Succeeds In Growing On Rolling Stone
- Old Dog Learns New Tricks
- Scientists Discover Cat With Fewer Than Nine Lives
- Sheep Dressed In Wolf’s Clothing Confuse Shepherds
The ‘evening news’ is when they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
“I’ve always tried to live with the following simple rule; ‘Don’t do what you would feel uncomfortable reading about in the newspaper the next day.” -Josh Weston (Josh S. Weston (born 1928))
“Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.” -Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
News Story: A fisherman is selling his pet dog because it kept catching more fish than him. Slobodan Paparella from the Adriatic island of Lastovo, Croatia said he was fed up with being embarrassed in front of his fishing buddies. He complained that most days when he went fishing, he would catch only the odd fish, but that his Irish setter Lipi would jump into the water and use her jaws to catch dozens of fish. Paparalla added that the last straw was when he tried to reel in a 15-pound fish but lost it at the last second only to see Lipi jump in and catch the fish with one bite and bring it back to shore. He complained, “The other fishermen were all laughing at me. I have no choice but to sell the dog because it keeps humiliating me.”
“Journalism is organized gossip.” -Edward Eggleston (1837 - 1902)
“Journalism is popular, but it is popular mainly as fiction. Life is one world, and life seen in the newspapers is another.” -G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874 - 1936))
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some . . .
“Ignore the junk news - work on a worthwhile project, make a plan, or do something to enhance your life.” -Jeffrey Gitomer (born 1946)
Euphobia is a persistent fear of hearing good news. In particular, this condition seems to affect those who report the news to the public, because they seldom tell us any of the good news that there is.
Classified Advertisement in England: Missing - big yellow object usually seen in the sky. Goes by the name of ‘Sun.’ If you see him, tell him it is summertime!
“The newspapers print what the people want, and thus does the savage still swing his club and flourish his spear.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard” (1927), page 142
News and Current Events Quiz
- If you went for a month without hearing any local, national, and international news, would it matter to you?
- What is ‘good news’?
- What is ‘bad news’?
- Why do media organizations over-report and exaggerate ‘bad news,’ and under-report or fail to report ‘good news’?
- What is ‘fake news’?
- Can you spot the ‘fake news’ in this ‘Fun & Learning’ topic?
Many of the people who read this topic also read our ‘Fake News’ page - if interested, click here: http://www.makefunoflife.net/fake-news. All right, then, that’s all the news that’s fit to print - and some that ain’t . . . but wait, there’s more ‘tee-hee-hee’ and ‘my goodness’ about other stuff just below . . . on ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion . . .
Carla: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
Marla: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Sonny Boy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Grandpa: In my day, we did not ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. And that chicken would have had to walk barefoot five miles in the snow just to get to that road, too. They just do not make chickens like that anymore!
Austin: How did the egg cross the road?
Ozzie: It scrambled across.
Patrice: Why did it take so long for the elephant to cross the road?
Tricia: Because the chicken had trouble carrying him.
Louisa: Why did the cat cross the road?
Louie: The chicken had to take a day off to rest after carrying the elephant across.
Wilbur: Did you hear about the two kangaroos that crossed the road?
Orville: They jumped into each other’s pouches and were never seen again.
Phillip: Why did the turkey cross the road?
Ophelia: To show he was not chicken.
Amy: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Annie: She was trying to catch a boomerang.
Shelia: Why did the ambitious man cross the road?
Shelly: Because he was chasing his dreams.
Gregory: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Megan: Because it ran out of juice.
Timmy: Why did the raccoon cross the road?
Tammy: Because she was chasing the chicken.
Curtis: Why did Captain Hook cross the road?
Howard: To get to the secondhand shop.
Boris: Why did the monster help the little old ghoul across the road?
Doris: Because that is what fiends are for.
Alexander: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Minerva: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Minnie: Catching the chickens as they crossed the road.
Harpo Marx: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What is all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs!
Barbara: Why did the chicken cross the amusement park?
Candace: To get to the other ride.
Millicent: Why did the polar bear cross the road?
Lucinda: To show the alligator that it could be done.
Mirabelle: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Reuben: To get to the other side.
Rhoda: Why did the penguin cross the road?
Ronda: Because the chicken owed it $5.
Percival: Why did the snake slither across the road?
Perry: To get to the other ssssssside!
Mabelle: Why did the cows cross the road?
Bonnie: Because they are always on the moo-ve.
Artie: Why did the cookie cross the road?
Marty: To dunk itself in a glass of milk.
Justin: Why did the cell cross the microscope?
Dustin: To get to the other slide.
Kimberly: Why did the rooster cross the road?
Kimmy: He wanted something to crow about.
Agyrophobia, also called dromophobia, is a fear of roads or of crossing roads. Even when no motor vehicles are present, some sufferers from this affliction still experience fear. Agyrophobia comes from the Greek words ‘gyrus’ meaning ‘turning’ or ‘whirling’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear,’ while dromophobia is derived from the Greek words ‘dromos’ meaning ‘running’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ One of the things that could be said about the chicken that crossed the road is that he was not chicken to cross the road - and you should not be either.
Bernard: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Leonard: Just for the fun of it!
Doctor McCoy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Karl: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of ‘crossing’ was encoded into the objects ‘chicken’ and ‘road,’ and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Alex: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Lacy: Don’t ask me, ask the chicken!
Paul: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Saul: I don’t know
Paul: To get to your house!
. . . long awkward pause . . .
Paul: Knock, knock.
Saul: Who’s there?
Paul: It’s the chicken from the last joke!
Beatrice: Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
Tricia: They wanted to do their hogwash.
Kirsten: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Christina: To get to the hopping mall.
Marv: Why did the shoe cross the road?
Irv: Because it’s on your foot.
Octavius: Why did the frog hop across the road?
Augustus: To see what the chicken was doing!
First Lab Tech: Why did the function cross the road?
Second Lab Tech: Because it was defined on both sides and continuous.
Tina: Why did the sheep cross the road?
Lena: To get to the baaa-baaa shop for a trim.
Bored? Want to have some fun? Get together with your friends and play ‘The Road Crossing Game.’ Here’s how it works. One of you says, “Why did the __________________ (fill in the blank) cross the road?” The other of you tries to reply with a funny answer. The one who comes up with the best answer has the next turn, and you just keep on going with the game.
Siskel: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken’s crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn’t emote very well. Thumbs down.
Jesse: Why did the duck cross the road?
Bessie: To visit the chicken of course!
Ticket Against Jaywalking Chicken. Ridgecrest, California: A chicken that got a ticket for crossing the road has clawed his way out of it. The $54 (RM205.20) citation for impeding traffic was dismissed after Linc and Helena Moore’s attorney argued that the fowl was domesticated and could not be charged as livestock. State law restricts livestock on highways, but not domestic animals. The chicken was ticketed on 26 March for impeding traffic after it wandered onto a road in Johannesburg, a rural mining town southeast of Ridgecrest. -AP
Jasper: Why did the chicken cross the internet?
Casper: To get to the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website.
Marcella: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
Marc: To get to the same side.
Nick: Why did the seal cross the road?
Vick: To get to the otter side.
Artemus: Why did the snail cross the road?
Gordon: I don’t know, she hasn’t gotten there yet.
In Quitman, Georgia, United States of America, chickens are actually prohibited by law from crossing the road.
Hugh: Why did the horse cross the road?
Bert: He wanted to visit his neigh-bors.
John: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. A historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Chrissy: Who lumbered across the road?
Lizzie: A lumberjack.
Petula: Why did the chicken nearly stop crossing the road?
Clark: It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!
Henry David Thoreau: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not merely cross the road . . . it transcended it.
Gladys: How do you avoid that rundown feeling?
Clementine: Always look both ways before crossing the road!
Arlene: What happened when the skunks argued while crossing the road?
Aileen: They raised a stink.
Emily: Why did the spider cross the road?
Amelia: To get to its other web site.
George: Why did the comedian cross the road?
Jerry: To get to the punchline!
Silvia: Why did the dog cross the road?
Ingrid: To get to the barking lot.
Larry: Why did the kiwi fruit run across the road?
Lawrence: Because it was being chased by a pineapple.
Can’t get enough of “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Here are a few more: Because . . . the pedestrian sign was flashing “WALK” and the road was clear of moving vehicles; to beat the early bird to the worm; Farmer Brown was across the road calling out, “Here, chick-chick-chick, here, chick-chick-chick,” while tossing corn around onto the ground; go ask your mother; go ask your father; to catch the “L” train; to try the new hot ‘n’ spicy bacon double cheeseburger; to catch the show; she had a bee in her bonnet; to take a closer look at the cow; to feather her nest; to see what was on the other side; because at the time it seemed like a good idea; the sky was falling; to catch a falling star; to buy a copy of the new horror novel “Chicken Soup for the Human Soul”; to try to look important; to make a new friend; she was lost and headed in the wrong direction; to try something new; they told her there was a ham sandwich in it for her; to escape global warming; to escape the coming ice age; she was a good and faithful friend; I’m listening; oh, I love you so much; what was the question again?; can’t I just finish my waffle?; it’s a little complicated; the other chickens said it couldn’t be done; we would have to look at it from the chicken’s perspective; what was the question again?; she’d already been around the block; to see what she could see; for the fun of it; it’s a bit of a mystery, isn’t it?; she knew she’d give the farmer nightmares for years to come; another chicken gave her an odd look; I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation; why don’t we go find out; she was certainly a funny bird, that one; truth be told, nobody really knows . . .
Vanetta: Why did the turtle cross the road?
Manetta: To get to the shell station.
Eunice: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Eustice: Because the other chickens egged her on.
Tips for Safely Crossing Roads
- Stop, look, and listen.
- Wait until the signal shows “WALK” or a human figure lights up.
- Hold hands and stay together.
- Always look both ways before crossing the road.
- Look left, then right, then left again.
- Stay in the crosswalk.
- Cross at intersections and do not cross at other places.
- Be aware that drivers sometimes drive when and where they should not because they are not good drivers.
- Can you think of other tips for safely crossing roads?
Buzz Aldrin: Have you heard that a chicken has finally crossed the road?
Neil Armstrong: That is one small step for a chicken . . . one giant leap for all poultry-kind.
Road Crossings Quiz: Who Am I?
1. I waddled across the road.
2. I bounced across the road.
3. I inched across the road.
4. I dribbled across the road.
5. I flowed across the road.
Lenny: Why did the scientist cross the road?
Squiggy: Centrifugal force.
Road Crossings Quiz Answers: Who Am I?
1. I am a duck and I waddled across the road.
2. I am a rubber ball and I bounced across the road.
3. I am an inchworm and I inched across the road.
4. I am a basketball player and I dribbled a basketball across the road.
5. I am water and I flowed across the road.
Al: How did the apple cross the road?
Fred: It fruited across.
Someone should make a full-length movie about a chicken crossing the road - how about you? We have much more humor for you on a huge variety of topics on the Make Fun Of Life! Website - just scroll down the page.
Jane: Why did the goose cross the road?
Jillian: Because the light was green.
Do you have jokes, puns, poems, short stories, fun facts, pictures, news, quotations, recipes, ideas, or anything else that is amusing or educational or useful that you would like to share with us? Or, would you like to let us know that you think we have made an error or that you have seen something on the site that you believe is not wholesome? And, additionally, if there should be any other reason you want to contact us, we want you to know that you are free to do so. Please send your email message to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
So you want to be a magician . . .
“The art of a magician is to create wonder. If we all live with a sense of wonder, our lives will become filled with joy.” -The Great Doug Henning
In 1799, Count de Grisley became the first magician to perform the trick of sawing a woman in half, and ever since then, women everywhere have been eagerly lining up to be sawed in half . . . or maybe not . . .
First Magician: What happened to the saw-a-woman-in-half act you used to do?
Second Magician: My assistant left me - she moved to New York and Los Angeles.
“Spring animals are fake animals that are often used by magicians, clowns, comedians, and other entertainers. They can be made to appear very realistic with practice. The basic construction of the animal is of a spring wrapped in either real or artificial animal fur. Different colored fur is used for different spring animals.” -Greg McMahan
Boris: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
Doris: He had just washed his hare and could not do anything with it.
- Presto, change-o!
- Hot potato, jump-rope, kick-the-can!
- Parsley, peas, potatoes!
- Many magicians create their own magic phrases, and so can you.
Howie: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Howard: That is one trick they do not know - and besides, that is why they have assistants!
The word ‘abracadra’ may have originated from the Aramaic phrase ‘avra kehdabra’ meaning ‘I will create as I speak.’
A Magician from Vermont
A magician who came from Vermont
Sawed a woman in half for a stunt.
When she mildly asked whether
He would put her together,
He replied, “I’ve decided I won’t.”
“Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
One technique for creating funny magic words is to ask for audience participation. Would someone please name a color? Would someone please name an animal? Would someone please name a food? Then you combine their answers, which might make something silly, such as, “Purple elephant pie!” which you use as the ‘magic words’ during your show.
Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.
Famous Magic Tricks
- Pulling a coin out from behind someone’s earlobe.
- Making a person or an object disappear and then reappear.
- Cutting something in half or destroying it and then making it reappear whole and undamaged, as for example, money or a handkerchief.
- Levitating (floating) someone or something.
- Can you think of other magic tricks?
A magician was driving down a road, when, Poof! . . . he turned into a parking lot.
Just as there are silent movies with musical accompaniment, there are magicians who perform without speaking, sometimes with dramatic music played during their shows or even a person who stands offstage or a short distance from the magician’s side and narrates, or describes what is happening, during the show, by reading from a prepared script.
“I had loved magic tricks from the time I was six or seven. I bought books on magic. I did magic acts for my parents and their friends. I was aiming for show business from early days, and magic was the poor man’s way of getting in: you buy a trick for $2, and you’ve got an act.” -Steve Martin: “Time Magazine” (24 August 1987)
“Perform as many times as you can in front of people you don’t know.” -Lance Burton, advice to those who would be magicians
In addition to their costumes, magicians have ‘props’ that they use in their magic acts. Typical props might be a deck of playing cards, a small lightweight table with a tablecloth, several colored handkerchiefs, rabbits, birds, large coins, and specially-made items for tricks.
Camilla: You know, I have half a mind to become a professional magician.
Pamela: That should do.
One way to make yourself and your magic show memorable is to do something that is unusual, different, or unique. For example, maybe you could use fruit such as apples, oranges, and bananas in your act. Make a piece of fruit disappear and reappear, and then toss it to a member of the audience. Make a piece of fruit levitate, and then throw it to someone in your audience. You could have someone dressed in a gorilla costume as your assistant. Instead of pulling a live rabbit or a toy rabbit out of a hat, you could pull balloon animals out of your hat and then hand them to children in the audience. Put your imagination to work!
If you did the old magic trick of sawing a lady in half, and you put the top half together with another lady, what you’d have is a ‘gallon a half’ . . . quite possibly that joke needs a little more work . . .
Whether you are an amateur or a professional magician, you must consider safety before doing any magic. You might develop a safety checklist to go over before each show. You would probably want to avoid using fire and flames and heat to avoid injuries to yourself, your assistant, any living creatures used in your act, and your audience members, and to avoid costly damage to your equipment or the building in which you are doing your show. If you use live animals, you will want to have the telephone number of more than one veterinarian in case an animal becomes sick or injured. You will likely want to either exercise caution or even completely avoid using anything with a sharp edge that could injure someone, including breakable glass and knives. Once you are certain everything is safe, get the show started and have fun!
A magician seeking to have his act booked at Radio City Music Hall asserted, “I’ve got a trick that will panic them.” “What is it?” asked the manager. “I saw a woman in half,” announced the magician proudly. “You call that a new trick?” scoffed the manager. “Why, they’ve been doing that around here for years.” “Oh, yeah,” snapped the magician. “How about lengthwise?”
Ask for a volunteer from the audience. Tell the person to take a coin from his or her pocket and hold it up in a closed fist so that you cannot see the date on the coin, and announce that you are going to tell everyone the date. Then, you say today’s date, which might be, for example, something like, “It’s Saturday, April 30, 2019,” even though the actual date on the coin might be something like just the year 1983. This is usually good for a laugh from the audience.
“Magic exists. Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of the wind and the silence of the stars? Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic. It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live.” -Nora Roberts: “Charmed” (1993)
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, “And what does your father do?” “Oh, he’s a magician,” replied Johnny. “Really - and what’s his best trick?” “His best trick is sawing people in half.” “Wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher. “Tell me, are there any more children in your family?” “Yes ma’am, I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.”
Magicians are the center of their acts; however, magicians may have assistants. A magician’s assistant usually does not speak during the magic acts, but stands by quietly and helps with the props or becomes a prop in the act, as when he or she is made to disappear or is sawed in half. Sometimes magicians encourage audience participation by asking people to be part of a magic act or to provide simple props such as coins or bills. While these audience members may seem to be randomly chosen people who are like everyone else in the audience, they actually may be friends or people the magician met with before the show and practiced the act with to be sure everything goes as planned.
Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. Take away the number you first thought of. Now add 7. Subtract 2. Add back the number you first thought of. Now, close your eyes. Dark, isn’t it?
Marlene: Why did Harry Houdini spend hours at the gym?
Arlene: He wanted to be fit to be tied.
Double or Nothing Magic Trick. Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer. Then ask them for a dollar bill. Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”
“Cats are magical . . . the more you pet them, the longer you both live.” -Author Unknown (We suspect that some sneaky cat slipped that line in here, because it is not exactly relevant to this topic.)
If you were going to pull a rabbit out of a hat, would you wave a magic wand . . . or would you entice the rabbit by waving a bright orange carrot?
Magicians We Have Yet to See
- Cheery Houdini . . . the clown-magician.
- Dairy Houdini . . . the magic moo-cow.
- Fairy Houdini . . . does sprightly winged magic.
- Hairy Houdini . . . the magic monkey with a human assistant.
- Harry Linguini . . . the pasta chef magician.
- Harry Whoodini . . . the magician who gives a hoot like an owl.
- Hippie Houdini . . . does groovy magic with peace and love, man.
- Santa Houdini . . . arrives in a magic flying sleigh and pulls Christmas toys from a magic sack.
- Scary Houdini . . . shows up at your door on Halloween and makes your candy magically disappear.
“As a magician I promise never to reveal the secret of any illusion to a non-magician, unless that one swears to uphold the Magician’s Oath in turn. I promise never to perform any illusion for any non-magician without first practicing the effect until I can perform it well enough to maintain the illusion of magic.” -Author Unknown: Magician’s Oath
Allison: What does a martial arts magician say?
Allie: Jitsu-judo-karate . . . chop!
“You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its glow I saw the past, the present, and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, lightning bugs, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in dewdrops. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it disciplined out, washed out, and combed out. We are told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up for goodness’ sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they had allowed to wither in themselves. After you go so far away from it, though, you can never really get it all back. You can get seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it is because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the harsh sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they are left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust twirling in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a coyote howling in the distance and wonder what it might be saying, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.” -Author Unknown
Famous People Who Started Out As Magicians
- Bob Barker
- Milton Berle
- Bill Bixby
- Johnny Carson
- Dick Cavett
- Charles Dickens
- Cary Grant
- Jerry Lewis
- Steve Martin
- Jimmy Stewart
- Dick Van Dyke
- How about you?
Martin: Have you heard about the magician who fell through the floorboards in the middle of his performance?
Marvin: Yes, but it is all right - he was just ‘going through a stage.’
A magician’s costume is commonly a top hat, a magic wand, and a set of clothes meant to help hold the audience’s attention through the use of eye-catching colors, quaint old-fashionedness, or an exotic appearance. A magician’s clothes may have many hidden pockets sewn into them. Some magicians also wear capes, false mustaches, false eyebrows, false beards, face paint, and other theatrical effects.
“Magic is a secret, and without the secret there is no magic.” -Author Unknown
The most accomplished female magician in the world is Dorothy Dietrich. She performs regularly at the Houdini Museum in Scranton, Pennsylvania, United States of America. She is also a ‘debunker,’ or someone who exposes lies, deceptions, or false ideas.
“A little magic can take you a long way.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “James and the Giant Peach” (1961)
People who learn to do magic in front of an audience also learn showmanship: timing, quick comebacks, appropriateness and inappropriateness of certain language, and the skill of continuing on even when things go wrong.
Whenever something goes wrong in your magic show, just tell your audience, “That is just how I planned it!” Pause, and continue on to your next trick.
“Shazam!” is a magic acronymic word created from Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Mercury, and it is said to invoke their powers. An acronym is a word created typically by combining the first letter of each word in a phrase or list.
Magic: Sleight of hand.
Why pull a rabbit out a hat when you could pull out one of these?
- Fake Pizza
- Stuffed animal
- What else?
Some magic wands are hollow inside to conceal handkerchiefs, powders that produce puffs like smoke but without fire or flames, or shiny colorful glitter. Magic wands can be made from rolled-up sheets of paper or wood or plastic sticks. Magicians typically wave their magic wands or tap other props such as their magic hats atop their heads, while saying magic words such as, “Abrakadabra alakazam!”
“Everything is made out of magic: leaves and trees, flowers and birds, badgers and foxes, and squirrels and people. So it must be all around us. In this garden - in all the places.” -Frances Hodgson Burnett (1849 - 1924)
What do magicians have in common with clowns, actors, musicians, and authors? Like the aforementioned folks, most professional, part-time, and amateur magicians have stage names, or names that they use in association with their magic acts, often in conjunction with somewhat exaggerated descriptive words about their acts and personas. Their stage names include words such ‘the Great’ or ‘the Amazing.’ So, if you are Jimmy O’Reilly in your private life, you might take up your hat, wand, and cape to become ‘Jacob the Fantastical Wizard of Illusion and Master of Magical Mayhem’ or if you are Sarah Sumner in your personal life, you might grab your rabbits, doves, baby chicks, and artificial flowers to become ‘the Astounding Animal Acts and Flying Floral Arrangements of Mrs. Priscilla Piccadilly’ (any resemblance to persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental). Even the magical Harry Houdini had a real name: Erich Weiss.
“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “The Minpins” (1990)
There is still time for you to get in on the act with your ‘Magic and Magicians’ facts and humor. Please email us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. As for our next act, we will be doing even more silly fun stuff . . .
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” -Mary McLeod Bethune (Mary Jane McLeod Bethune (1875 - 1955))
“Without forgiveness life is governed by . . . an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” -Roberto Assagioli (1888 - 1974)
“I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.” -Buddy Hackett (1924 - 2003)
“The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself.” -Eddie Vedder (born 1964)
“Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.” -Robin Casarjian
“The best manner of avenging ourselves is by not resembling him who has injured us.” -Jane Porter (1776 - 1850)
“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
“I must forgive without noise or fuss.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” -Catherine Ponder (born 1927)
“The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you.” -Author Unknown
“Time spent in getting even would be better spent in getting ahead.” -Author Unknown
“I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.” -Bette Midler (born 1945)
“Forgiveness means letting go of the past.” -Gerald Jampolsky (Gerald Gersham Jampolsky (born 1925))
“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
“If you hug to yourself any resentment against anybody else, you destroy the bridge by which God would come to you.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)
“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990): as quoted in the “Saturday Review” (15 April 1978)
“There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” -Josh Billings (pseudonym of Henry Wheeler Shaw (1818 - 1885))
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” -Suzanne Somers (born 1946)
“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Luke,’ chapter 23, verse 34
Let’s let bygones be bygones
And start all over again.
Let us forget we parted
And be the same as we started.
Remember, the sunshine
Must always follow the rain.
So, let’s let bygones be bygones
And start all over again.
-Joseph George Gilbert: “Let Bygones Be Bygones” (1933), stanzas 1 and 2
“The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: Don’t get even . . . get odd!
“You must forgive those who trespass against you before you can look to Heaven for forgiveness.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
Good, to forgive;
Best, to forget.
-Robert Browning (1812 - 1889)
“Let us forget and forgive injuries.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))
Forgiveness is a funny thing;
It warms the heart and cools the sting.
-William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
“It is easier to forgive and forget than to resent and remember.” -Author Unknown
“He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach Heaven; for all men need to be forgiven.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
“Success is the best revenge.” -Michele Jolivette
The lesson has not been lost . . .
“Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness.” -David Augsburger (David W. Augsburger (born 1938))
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” -Paul Boese (Paul Lewis Boese (1923 - 1976))
“Forgive, son; men are men; they needs must err.” -Euripides (484 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
“How often could things be remedied by a word. How often is it left unspoken.” -Norman Douglas (1868 - 1952)
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))
“I think there are two kinds of forgiveness: the kind that when you forgive you’re also giving them another chance, or the kind where you forgive, but move on without them. Use both wisely.” -S. B.
“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” -George Nathan (George Jean Nathan (1882 - 1958))
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” -Buddha (also known as Siddhārtha Guatama or Shakyamuni Buddha (about 563 B.C.E. - about 483 B.C.E.))
“Forgiveness takes the burden of hate, guilt, and bitterness off your back and, with a lighter load, you can climb higher and faster, and be much happier in the process.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
“A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” -Marianne Williamson (born 1952)
“Forgiveness is the final form of love.” -Reinhold Niebuhr (1892 - 1971)
“Holding on to anger, resentment, and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache, and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” -Joan Lunden (born 1950)
“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” -Charlotte Brontë (1816 - 1855): “Jane Eyre” (1847), chapter VI
“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy, but in passing it over he is superior.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)
“When you forgive, you set a prisoner free. And then you discover that the prisoner was you.” -Author Unknown
“Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even.” -Franklin P. Jones (1853 - 1935)
“Let It Go: Forgive So That You Can Be Forgiven” (2013): title of book by T. D. Jakes (Thomas Dexter Jakes, Senior (born 1957))
“Hold hands, not grudges.” -Author Unknown
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
“Sometimes the best revenge is to smile and move on.” -Author Unknown
“To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.” -Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)
“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” -Byron Katie (born 1942)
“People are more than the worst thing they have ever done in their lives.” -Helen Prejean (born 1939)
“Forgiving is not a gift to someone else. Forgiving is your gift to yourself - a great gift - the gift of happiness.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie
“He who forgives ends the quarrel.” -Author Unknown
“Forgiveness is not an emotion, it’s a decision.” -Randall Worley
“Holding a grudge does not hurt the person against whom the grudge is held, it hurts the one who holds it.” -Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)
“Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.” -Les Brown (Leslie Calvin ‘Les’ Brown (born 1945))
“Some people insist - often very forcefully - that we must both forgive and forget, or that we have to either forgive or forget . . . as if those are our only options. Those are not our only options. When what has been done to us is horrendous, it becomes unforgiveable and unforgettable, so we can only choose an eventual third option: We neither forgive nor forget, but we learn to move past the pain, the fear, the disappointment, and the constant awareness, to a point at which we can live our lives.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“Forgiveness does not mean excusing.” -C. S. Lewis (Clive Staples Lewis (1898 - 1963))
“The more a man knows, the more he forgives.” -Catherine II (also known as Catherine the Great (1729 - 1796))
“Forgotten is forgiven.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940))
“Do not burn bridges that you might have to cross again someday.” -Author Unknown
“Any man can seek revenge; it takes a king or prince to grant a pardon.” -Arthur J. Rehrat
“To err is human, to forgive divine.” -Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744)
I forgive myself for having believed for so long that . . .
I was never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted.
“Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.” -Author Unknown
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive, but do not forget.” -Thomas Szasz (1920 - 2012): “The Second Sin” (1973), ‘Personal Conduct’
“Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.” -Author Unknown
“Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.” -Harriet Nelson (Harriet Uts Nelson)
“I forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I trust them.” -Author Unknown
“Forgiving people can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, when you fear that people will wrong you again, and that once again, you will be powerless to stop them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180)): “The Meditations” (C.E. 167), Book 6, meditation 5
“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.” -Sidney and Suzanne Simon
“Nothing on Earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.” -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900): “Ecce Homo” (1888)
“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.” -E. H. Chapin (Edwin Hubbell Chapin (1814 - 1880)): “Living Words” (1861)
“Forgiveness is the noblest vengeance.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
“Living well is the best revenge.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
This is 'MFOL!' . . . if you forgot to bring your sense of humor, you can borrow ours . . .
Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then there are the birds of a different feather . . .
“You laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” -Jonathan Davis
“There are three types of people the world does not understand: madmen, geniuses, and people who mumble.” -Author Unknown
“My father (Danny Thomas) used to tell me there are two kinds of people, the takers and the givers. ‘The takers sometimes eat better,’ he would say, ‘but the givers always sleep better.’” -Marlo Thomas (born in 1937)
“Different men seek after happiness in different ways and by different means, and so make for themselves different modes of life and forms of government.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
“People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. And those who wonder what happened.” -Nicholas Murray Butler (1852 - 1947)
“There are two kinds of people in the world: you, and everyone else.” -Author Unknown
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cannot.” -Author Unknown
“Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.” -Author Unknown
“There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who do not.” -Author Unknown
“There are three kinds of people in the world. There are wolves and there are sheep - and then there are those who protect the sheep from the wolves.” -Christopher Shields
“In the not-so-long-ago-days, there were only four kinds of people: menfolk, womenfolk, youngfolk, and oldfolk. These days, they’ve divided us up into a near-infinite number of classifications, not to help us or to make the world a better place, but to manipulate us into being and doing what folks do not necessarily want to be and do.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.” -attributed to Ben Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))
Overheard: There are two types of people: those who are forgetful and . . . uh . . .
“In life we shall find many men that are great, and some that are good, but very few men that are both great and good.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832))
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
-Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))
“I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures, those who make it or those who don’t. I divide the world into learners and non-learners.” -Benjamin Barber
“Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.” -Author Unknown
Overheard: As different as two peas in a pod . . .
“An unlearned carpenter of my acquaintance once said in my hearing: ‘There is very little difference between one man and another; but what little there is, is very important.’” -William James (1842 - 1910): “The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy” (1897), ‘The Importance of Individuals’
“There are two kinds of people one can call reasonable: those who serve God with all their heart because they know him, and those who seek him with all their heart because they do not know him.” -Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
“A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting. A boss is interested in himself or herself, a leader is interested in the group.” -Russell H. Ewing
“I’d rather be a climbing ape than a falling angel.” -Terry Pratchett (1948 - 2015)
There are at least two sorts of people who work in complex organizations like governments, businesses, and schools. There are those who, when a problem reaches them, contribute to its solution; and there are those who, when a problem comes to them, escalate it into something worse. A man of the latter type was called into the chief executive’s office and told, “Roberto, don’t be an embolus.” “A what?” Roberto asked. “A kind of blood clot - something that circulates through the system causing trouble.”
“Many are destined to reason wrongly; others, not to reason at all, and others to persecute those who reason.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
“You be you and I’ll be me.” -Billy Connolly
Somebody once said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!”
“Often the people who are different are the ones who make all the difference in this world.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
Variety’s the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavor.
-William Cowper (1731 - 1800)
“The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There’s far less competition.” -Dwight Morrow (Dwight W. Morrow (1873 - 1931)): in a letter to his son, as quoted in Harold Nicolson: “Dwight Morrow” (1935)
“Cherish forever what makes you unique, ’cuz you’re really a yawn if it goes.” -Bette Midler (born in 1945)
“There are two kinds of men who never amount to very much: Those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” -Cyrus H. K. Curtis (Cyrus Hermann Kotzschmar Curtis (1850 - 1933))
“Today, there are three kinds of people: the have’s, the have-not’s, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have’s.” -Earl Wilson
Always remember that you’re unique
Unequalled, uncommon, c’est magnifique
One of a kind, quite special and rare
Singular, original, not one of a pair
Special, the exceptional you embody
You’re really unique, just like everybody!
“There are three kinds of people in the world, the wills, the won’ts, and the can’ts. The first accomplish everything; the second oppose everything; the third fail in everything.” -Author Unknown: “Eclectic Magazine”
“We do not expect everyone to be exactly alike, and if we feel a cat should be like a dog, we are missing something important.” -Gladys Taber (Gladys Bagg Taber (1899 - 1980))
“Every human being is intended to have a character of his own; to be what no other is, and to do what no other can do.” -William Ellery Channing (1780 - 1842)
“I’m different. Always have been. It took a while but I have accepted that I am a magic not meant for everyone to understand, so they question. That’s okay. I will stay in my lane being all magical and stuff.” -Author Unknown
“Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they’ve had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have.” -H. G. Wells (Herbert George Wells (1866 - 1946))
“Appreciate your uniqueness. Never in history has there been anyone exactly like you. Being one of a kind, you must be the best you can possibly be; develop your talents to the fullest. You can do anything you wish to do; the only limitation is your will. Make the most of the one and only you.” -Bob Keeshan (Robert James ‘Bob’ Keeshan (1927 - 2004))
“Beaten paths are for beaten men.” -Eric Johnston
“Each of us must dance to his own tune.” -Author Unknown: “M*A*S*H” television series; line spoken by character Charles Emerson Winchester III
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” -Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)
“Everybody is unique. Compare not yourself with anybody else lest you spoil God’s curriculum.” -Israel ben Eliezer
“By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before.” -Edwin Elliot
“There are two types of people, those who extrapolate from incomplete data sets.” -Author Unknown
“Dare to be yourself.” -André Gide (1869 - 1951)
“A fruit salad is delicious precisely because each fruit maintains its own flavor.” -Sean Covey
“You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own.” -D. M. Dellinger
“Let’s acknowledge our differences and not deny them; appreciate them and value them; and each of us with our own uniqueness can contribute where we are needed. There is no need to go to war with each other upon the insistence that only one way of being or of doing is right.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
“Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you’re born to stand out?” -Oliver James
“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in square holes . . . the ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules . . . you can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things . . . they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” -Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011)
“There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.” -Anthony Rapp
“At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this Earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.” -Friedrich Nietzsche (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900))
“People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, ‘Why wasn’t it done the other way?’” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Junior (1841 - 1935)
“Differences were meant not to divide but to enrich.” -J. H. Oldham
“Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891)
“People are eternally divided into two classes: the believer, builder, and praiser; and the unbeliever, destroyer, and critic.” -John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)
“There are ten kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math, and those who do not.” -Author Unknown
“Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don’t fly. Eagles don’t swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don’t have feathers. Stop comparing. There’s plenty of room in the forest.” -Charles R. Swindoll (Charles Rozell ‘Chuck’ Swindoll (born in 1934))
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
“When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.” -Charles Evans Hughes (1862 - 1948): in an address at Faneuil Hall, Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America (17 June 1925)
“How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.” -Alfred de Musset (1810 - 1857): “Histoire d’un merle blanc” (“Story of the White Blackbird”) (1842)
“Don’t be like the rest of them, darling.” -Author Unknown
“There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, ‘Well, here I am!’ and those who come in and say, ‘Ah, there you are.’” -Frederick L. Collins
“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.” -Viktor E. Frankl (1905 - 1997)
“It takes all kinds of people to make a world.” -Author Unknown
“Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world.” -Margaret Laurence
“Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.” -Richard Bach (born in 1936)
“People have one thing in common: They are all different.” -Robert Zend
“All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle.” -Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Mortenson (1926 - 1962))
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