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Resenting and Forgiving

6/27/2017

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“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” -Mary McLeod Bethune (Mary Jane McLeod Bethune (1875 - 1955))
 
“Without forgiveness life is governed by . . . an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” -Roberto Assagioli (1888 - 1974)
 
“I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.” -Buddy Hackett (1924 - 2003)
 
“The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself.” -Eddie Vedder (born 1964)
 
“Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.” -Robin Casarjian
 
“The best manner of avenging ourselves is by not resembling him who has injured us.” -Jane Porter (1776 - 1850)
 
“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
 
“I must forgive without noise or fuss.” -Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
 
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” -Catherine Ponder (born 1927)
 
“The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you.” -Author Unknown
 
“Time spent in getting even would be better spent in getting ahead.” -Author Unknown
 
“I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.” -Bette Midler (born 1945)
 
“Forgiveness means letting go of the past.” -Gerald Jampolsky (Gerald Gersham Jampolsky (born 1925))
 
“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
 
“If you hug to yourself any resentment against anybody else, you destroy the bridge by which God would come to you.” -Peter Marshall (1902 - 1949)
 
“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” -Norman Cousins (1915 - 1990): as quoted in the “Saturday Review” (15 April 1978)
 
“There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” -Josh Billings (pseudonym of Henry Wheeler Shaw (1818 - 1885))
 
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” -Suzanne Somers (born 1946)
 
“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” -Jesus of Nazareth: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Luke,’ chapter 23, verse 34
________________________________________________________
 
Let’s let bygones be bygones
And start all over again.
Let us forget we parted
And be the same as we started.
 
Remember, the sunshine
Must always follow the rain.
So, let’s let bygones be bygones
And start all over again.
 
-Joseph George Gilbert: “Let Bygones Be Bygones” (1933), stanzas 1 and 2
________________________________________________________
 
“The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.” -Author Unknown
 
Overheard: Don’t get even . . . get odd!
 
“You must forgive those who trespass against you before you can look to Heaven for forgiveness.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
 
Good, to forgive;
Best, to forget.
-Robert Browning (1812 - 1889)
 
“Let us forget and forgive injuries.” -Miguel de Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547 - 1616))
 
Forgiveness is a funny thing;
It warms the heart and cools the sting.
-William Arthur Ward (1921 - 1994)
 
“It is easier to forgive and forget than to resent and remember.” -Author Unknown
 
“He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach Heaven; for all men need to be forgiven.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
 
“Success is the best revenge.” -Michele Jolivette
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​The lesson has not been lost . . .
 
“Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness.” -David Augsburger (David W. Augsburger (born 1938))
 
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie
 
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” -Paul Boese (Paul Lewis Boese (1923 - 1976))
 
“Forgive, son; men are men; they needs must err.” -Euripides (484 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
 
“How often could things be remedied by a word. How often is it left unspoken.” -Norman Douglas (1868 - 1952)
 
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))
 
“I think there are two kinds of forgiveness: the kind that when you forgive you’re also giving them another chance, or the kind where you forgive, but move on without them. Use both wisely.” -S. B.
 
“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” -George Nathan (George Jean Nathan (1882 - 1958))
 
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” -Buddha (also known as Siddhārtha Guatama or Shakyamuni Buddha (about 563 B.C.E. - about 483 B.C.E.))
 
“Forgiveness takes the burden of hate, guilt, and bitterness off your back and, with a lighter load, you can climb higher and faster, and be much happier in the process.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
 
“A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)
 
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” -Marianne Williamson (born 1952)
 
“Forgiveness is the final form of love.” -Reinhold Niebuhr (1892 - 1971)
 
“Holding on to anger, resentment, and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache, and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” -Joan Lunden (born 1950)
 
“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” -Charlotte Brontë (1816 - 1855): “Jane Eyre” (1847), chapter VI
 
“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy, but in passing it over he is superior.” -Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626): “Essays” (1597)
 
“When you forgive, you set a prisoner free. And then you discover that the prisoner was you.” -Author Unknown
 
“Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even.” -Franklin P. Jones (1853 - 1935)
 
“Let It Go: Forgive So That You Can Be Forgiven” (2013): title of book by T. D. Jakes (Thomas Dexter Jakes, Senior (born 1957))
 
“Hold hands, not grudges.” -Author Unknown
 
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
 
“Sometimes the best revenge is to smile and move on.” -Author Unknown
 
“To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.” -Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)
 
“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” -Byron Katie (born 1942)
 
“People are more than the worst thing they have ever done in their lives.” -Helen Prejean (born 1939)
 
“Forgiving is not a gift to someone else. Forgiving is your gift to yourself - a great gift - the gift of happiness.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie
 
“He who forgives ends the quarrel.” -Author Unknown
 
“Forgiveness is not an emotion, it’s a decision.” -Randall Worley
 
“Holding a grudge does not hurt the person against whom the grudge is held, it hurts the one who holds it.” -Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)
 
“Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.” -Les Brown (Leslie Calvin ‘Les’ Brown (born 1945))
 
“Some people insist - often very forcefully - that we must both forgive and forget, or that we have to either forgive or forget . . . as if those are our only options. Those are not our only options. When what has been done to us is horrendous, it becomes unforgiveable and unforgettable, so we can only choose an eventual third option: We neither forgive nor forget, but we learn to move past the pain, the fear, the disappointment, and the constant awareness, to a point at which we can live our lives.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
 
“Forgiveness does not mean excusing.” -C. S. Lewis  (Clive Staples Lewis (1898 - 1963))
 
“The more a man knows, the more he forgives.” -Catherine II (also known as Catherine the Great (1729 - 1796))
 
“Forgotten is forgiven.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940))
 
“Do not burn bridges that you might have to cross again someday.” -Author Unknown
 
“Any man can seek revenge; it takes a king or prince to grant a pardon.” -Arthur J. Rehrat
 
“To err is human, to forgive divine.” -Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744)
 
I forgive myself for having believed for so long that . . .
I was never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted.
-Ceanne DeRohan
 
“Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.” -Author Unknown
 
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive, but do not forget.” -Thomas Szasz (1920 - 2012): “The Second Sin” (1973), ‘Personal Conduct’
 
“Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.” -Author Unknown
 
“Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.” -Harriet Nelson (Harriet Uts Nelson)
 
“I forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I trust them.” -Author Unknown
 
“Forgiving people can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, when you fear that people will wrong you again, and that once again, you will be powerless to stop them.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
 
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180)): “The Meditations” (C.E. 167), Book 6, meditation 5
 
“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.” -Sidney and Suzanne Simon
 
“Nothing on Earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.” -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900): “Ecce Homo” (1888)
 
“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.” -E. H. Chapin (Edwin Hubbell Chapin (1814 - 1880)): “Living Words” (1861)
 
“Forgiveness is the noblest vengeance.” -H. G. Bohn (Henry George Bohn (1796 - 1884))
 
“Living well is the best revenge.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)

This is 'MFOL!' . . . if you forgot to bring your sense of humor, you can borrow ours . . .
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Differences and Individuality

6/25/2017

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Major Mitchell’s Pink Cockatoo, scientific name Lophochroa leadbeateri, native to Australia.
Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then there are the birds of a different feather . . .
 
“You laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” -Jonathan Davis
 
“There are three types of people the world does not understand: madmen, geniuses, and people who mumble.” -Author Unknown
 
“My father (Danny Thomas) used to tell me there are two kinds of people, the takers and the givers. ‘The takers sometimes eat better,’ he would say, ‘but the givers always sleep better.’” -Marlo Thomas (born in 1937)
 
“Different men seek after happiness in different ways and by different means, and so make for themselves different modes of life and forms of government.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
 
“People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. And those who wonder what happened.” -Nicholas Murray Butler (1852 - 1947)
 
“There are two kinds of people in the world: you, and everyone else.” -Author Unknown
 
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cannot.” -Author Unknown
 
“Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.” -Author Unknown
 
“There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who do not.” -Author Unknown
 
“There are three kinds of people in the world. There are wolves and there are sheep - and then there are those who protect the sheep from the wolves.” -Christopher Shields
 
“In the not-so-long-ago-days, there were only four kinds of people: menfolk, womenfolk, youngfolk, and oldfolk. These days, they’ve divided us up into a near-infinite number of classifications, not to help us or to make the world a better place, but to manipulate us into being and doing what folks do not necessarily want to be and do.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.” -attributed to Ben Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))
 
Overheard: There are two types of people: those who are forgetful and . . . uh . . .
 
“In life we shall find many men that are great, and some that are good, but very few men that are both great and good.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832))
 
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
-Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))
 
“I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures, those who make it or those who don’t. I divide the world into learners and non-learners.” -Benjamin Barber
 
“Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.” -Author Unknown
 
Overheard: As different as two peas in a pod . . .
 
“An unlearned carpenter of my acquaintance once said in my hearing: ‘There is very little difference between one man and another; but what little there is, is very important.’” -William James (1842 - 1910): “The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular Philosophy” (1897), ‘The Importance of Individuals’
 
“There are two kinds of people one can call reasonable: those who serve God with all their heart because they know him, and those who seek him with all their heart because they do not know him.” -Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
 
“A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting. A boss is interested in himself or herself, a leader is interested in the group.” -Russell H. Ewing
 
“I’d rather be a climbing ape than a falling angel.” -Terry Pratchett (1948 - 2015)
 
There are at least two sorts of people who work in complex organizations like governments, businesses, and schools. There are those who, when a problem reaches them, contribute to its solution; and there are those who, when a problem comes to them, escalate it into something worse. A man of the latter type was called into the chief executive’s office and told, “Roberto, don’t be an embolus.” “A what?” Roberto asked. “A kind of blood clot - something that circulates through the system causing trouble.”
 
“Many are destined to reason wrongly; others, not to reason at all, and others to persecute those who reason.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
 
“You be you and I’ll be me.” -Billy Connolly
 
Somebody once said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!”
 
“Often the people who are different are the ones who make all the difference in this world.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
Variety’s the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavor.
-William Cowper (1731 - 1800)
 
“The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There’s far less competition.” -Dwight Morrow (Dwight W. Morrow (1873 - 1931)): in a letter to his son, as quoted in Harold Nicolson: “Dwight Morrow” (1935)
 
“Cherish forever what makes you unique, ’cuz you’re really a yawn if it goes.” -Bette Midler (born in 1945)
 
“There are two kinds of men who never amount to very much: Those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” -Cyrus H. K. Curtis (Cyrus Hermann Kotzschmar Curtis (1850 - 1933))
 
“Today, there are three kinds of people: the have’s, the have-not’s, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have’s.” -Earl Wilson
 
Unique

Always remember that you’re unique
Unequalled, uncommon, c’est magnifique
One of a kind, quite special and rare
Singular, original, not one of a pair
Special, the exceptional you embody
You’re really unique, just like everybody!

-Author Unknown
 
“There are three kinds of people in the world, the wills, the won’ts, and the can’ts. The first accomplish everything; the second oppose everything; the third fail in everything.” -Author Unknown: “Eclectic Magazine”
 
“We do not expect everyone to be exactly alike, and if we feel a cat should be like a dog, we are missing something important.” -Gladys Taber (Gladys Bagg Taber (1899 - 1980))
 
“Every human being is intended to have a character of his own; to be what no other is, and to do what no other can do.” -William Ellery Channing (1780 - 1842)
 
“I’m different. Always have been. It took a while but I have accepted that I am a magic not meant for everyone to understand, so they question. That’s okay. I will stay in my lane being all magical and stuff.” -Author Unknown
 
“Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they’ve had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have.” -H. G. Wells (Herbert George Wells (1866 - 1946))
 
“Appreciate your uniqueness. Never in history has there been anyone exactly like you. Being one of a kind, you must be the best you can possibly be; develop your talents to the fullest. You can do anything you wish to do; the only limitation is your will. Make the most of the one and only you.” -Bob Keeshan (Robert James ‘Bob’ Keeshan (1927 - 2004))
 
“Beaten paths are for beaten men.” -Eric Johnston
 
“Each of us must dance to his own tune.” -Author Unknown: “M*A*S*H” television series; line spoken by character Charles Emerson Winchester III
 
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” -Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)
 
“Everybody is unique. Compare not yourself with anybody else lest you spoil God’s curriculum.” -Israel ben Eliezer
 
“By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before.” -Edwin Elliot
 
“There are two types of people, those who extrapolate from incomplete data sets.” -Author Unknown
 
“Dare to be yourself.” -André Gide (1869 - 1951)
 
“A fruit salad is delicious precisely because each fruit maintains its own flavor.” -Sean Covey
 
“You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own.” -D. M. Dellinger
 
“Let’s acknowledge our differences and not deny them; appreciate them and value them; and each of us with our own uniqueness can contribute where we are needed. There is no need to go to war with each other upon the insistence that only one way of being or of doing is right.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you’re born to stand out?” -Oliver James
 
“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in square holes . . . the ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules . . . you can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things . . . they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” -Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011)
 
“There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.” -Anthony Rapp
 
“At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this Earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.” -Friedrich Nietzsche (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 - 1900))
 
“People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, ‘Why wasn’t it done the other way?’” -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Junior (1841 - 1935)
 
“Differences were meant not to divide but to enrich.” -J. H. Oldham
 
“Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891)
 
“People are eternally divided into two classes: the believer, builder, and praiser; and the unbeliever, destroyer, and critic.” -John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)
 
“There are ten kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math, and those who do not.” -Author Unknown
 
“Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don’t fly. Eagles don’t swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don’t have feathers. Stop comparing. There’s plenty of room in the forest.” -Charles R. Swindoll (Charles Rozell ‘Chuck’ Swindoll (born in 1934))
 
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
 
“When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.” -Charles Evans Hughes (1862 - 1948): in an address at Faneuil Hall, Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America (17 June 1925)
 
“How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.” -Alfred de Musset (1810 - 1857): “Histoire d’un merle blanc” (“Story of the White Blackbird”) (1842)
 
“Don’t be like the rest of them, darling.” -Author Unknown
 
“There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, ‘Well, here I am!’ and those who come in and say, ‘Ah, there you are.’” -Frederick L. Collins
 
“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.” -Viktor E. Frankl (1905 - 1997)
 
“It takes all kinds of people to make a world.” -Author Unknown
 
“Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world.” -Margaret Laurence
 
“Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.” -Richard Bach (born in 1936)
 
“People have one thing in common: They are all different.” -Robert Zend
 
“All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle.” -Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Mortenson (1926 - 1962))
 
‘Make Fun Of Life!’ . . . because we are all a little bit funny . . .
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Gossiping and Gossipers

6/24/2017

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The elephants are planning a party, but they don’t want the hippopotamuses to know, because they are not invited, because at the last party, the hippos tried to go swimming in the punch bowl, and then one of them insulted the oldest kangaroo in the world . . . and hippos can’t dance - you won’t tell anyone I told you this, right?
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lena.
Lena, who?
Lena little closer, I want to tell you something.
 
“A life filled with silly social drama and gossip indicates that a person is disconnected from purpose and lacking meaningful goals. People on a path of purpose don’t have time for drama.” -Brendon Burchard (born 1977): “The Charge” (2012)
 
Polly: What tongue can wag and yet never utter a word?
Anna: The tongue of a shoe.
 
“Gossip travels fast and can wreck lives. I’m not driving that vehicle.” -Susan Gale
 
Riddle: What’s the difference between a gossip and a mirror?
Solution: One speaks without reflecting, and the other reflects without speaking.
 
“A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people’s business.” -Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983): “The True Believer” (1951), Section 10
 
“The rumor grows as it goes.” [English translation]
“Fama crescit eundo.” [original Latin]
-Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil)
 
A ‘quidnunc’ (pronounced kwid-nuhngk) is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip. The word is derived from the Latin phrase ‘Quid nunc?’ meaning ‘What now?’ Another name for a chronically nosy person is ‘busybody.’
 
“Rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk of you as they please.” -Pythagoras (about 570 B.C.E. - about 495 B.C.E.): as attributed in Tryon Edwards (under pseudonym Everard Berkeley): “The World’s Laconics, Or, The Best Thoughts of the Best Authors” (1853), page 71; ‘laconics’ meaning ‘in few words’
 
Gossip
 
There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly becomes any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
 
-Edward Wallis Hoch (1849 - 1925)

“I want to be around people who do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore who judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people who dream, and support, and do things.” -Amy Poehler (born 1971)
 
“If people speak ill of you, live so that no one will believe them.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.)
 
“If you are going to talk about someone else, talk about their virtues and good qualities. Didn’t Mary look great in that dress today? That is a great color on her. Wasn’t that a great meal she cooked? That is the way to have a positive conversation.” -Author Unknown
 
“Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering that of others.” -Author Unknown
 
A truth that’s told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
-William Blake (1757 - 1827): “Auguries of Innocence” (1803); type of work: poem
 
“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)
 
“I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth; but rather by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others, and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody.” -Ben Franklin (Benjamin ‘Ben’ Franklin (1706 - 1790))

“A guy or gal can’t keep people from having a bad opinion of him or her, but he or she can keep them from being right about it.” -Author Unknown
 
Who Am I?
 
I am more deadly than the screaming shells from the howitzer.
I win without killing.
I tear down homes, break hearts, and wreck lives.
I travel on the wings of the wind.
No innocence is strong enough to intimidate me, no purity pure enough to daunt me.
I have no regard for truth, no respect for justice, no mercy for the defenseless.
My victims are as numerous as the sands of the sea, and often as innocent.
I never forget and never forgive.
My name is . . . gossip.
 
-Morgan Blake (William Morgan ‘Morgan’ Blake (1889 - 1953))
 
“People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.” -Author Unknown
 
“Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.” -Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800 - 1859)
Picture
​“It’s a pity, but owing to the pull of gravity, it takes less energy to open the mouth than to close it.” -Author Unknown
 
“Do not mind anything that anyone tells you about anyone else. Judge everyone and everything for yourself.” -Henry James (Henry James, Junior (1843 - 1916))
 
“You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.” -Leo Aikman (James Leo ‘Leo’ Aikman (1908 - 1978))
 
“Never take pleasure in the misfortune of others.” -Author Unknown
 
“People will question all the good things they hear about you, but believe all the bad without a second thought.” -Author Unknown
 
“I hate to spread rumors - but what else can one do with them?” -Amanda Lear (born 1939) 
 
“Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.” -Author Unknown: Spanish proverb
 
“All truths are not to be told.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633): “Jacula Prudentum” (“Outlandish Proverbs”) (1651)
 
“It isn’t what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.” -Errol Flynn (1909 - 1959)

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
 
“To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.” -Will Durant (William James ‘Will’ Durant (1885 - 1981)) and Ariel Durant (1898 - 1981)
 
“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
 
“We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.” -Olin Miller (1918 - 2002)

“If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.” -Author Unknown
 
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” -Alice Roosevelt Longworth (Alice Lee Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980))
 
“Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business.” -Ann Landers (pseudonym of Esther Pauline ‘Eppie’ Lederer (1918 - 2002))

Gossip: A person with a keen sense of rumor.
 
“It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other people’s business.” -Dolley Madison (Dolley Payne Todd Madison (1768 - 1849))
 
What does the Bible say about gossip? “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible” (English Standard Version), ‘Exodus,’ chapter 20, verse 16
 
“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.” -Author Unknown
 
“If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself, you should say: ‘He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.’” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135): “The Enchiridion” (about C.E. 135)
 
“A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.” -John Tudor
________________________________________________________
 
UnSaying My Words
 
Once there were two boys that were very good friends. They explored, fished, and hunted together. They were both great athletes and well-liked by all in their village.
 
In their village, there was also a young girl that they both began to like, and they competed to be noticed by her. One of the boys, out of jealousy, told the girl that the other boy had done something very bad which would disgrace him and his family. This was completely untrue.
 
Afterwards, the boy felt ashamed of what he had done. He told the girl that he had lied and he apologized to his friend for what he had said.

But, as he walked around the village, he could hear others repeating the false words he had spoken about his friend. Very troubled by this, he went to a wise elderly man for advice.

“How can I undo this terrible thing I have done?” he asked. The wise man told him, “Shoot three ducks and three geese. Pull off all their feathers and put them in a leather bag. Bring the bag and the birds to me.” The boy did this. He gave the birds to the wise man and the wise man said, “Now, take the bag of feathers to the top of a high mountain, open it, and shake out all the feathers. Then return here.”
 
The boy climbed the mountain, released all the feathers into the wind, and returned to the wise man.
 
The wise man said, “Now, go back up the mountain and pick up every single feather you released and put them back in your bag.” The boy replied, “But, that is not possible. The feathers have blown far away. I can never recover all of them.”
 
The wise man said, “So it is with your words.”
 
Think about the impact of your words before you say them. You cannot take back something you have said.
 
-Author Unknown
________________________________________________________
 
“People who have little to do are excessive talkers.” -Author Unknown
 
“Gossip needn’t be false to be evil - there’s a lot of truth that shouldn’t be passed around.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
 
“Ignore those people who are always talking behind your back - that’s where they belong, behind your back.” -Author Unknown
 
“Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering that of others.” -Author Unknown
 
“Busy people are never busybodies.” -Ethel Watts Mumford (1876 - 1940)
 
“Today’s gossip is tomorrow’s headline.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972)
 
“Do not let your peace depend on what people say of you, for whether they speak good or ill of you makes no difference to what you are.” -Thomas à Kempis (about 1379 - 1471): “The Imitation of Christ” (about 1420), book 3, chapter 28: ‘Against Slander’
 
“I used to hate being gossiped about. But now when I hear people talking about me, I console myself with what my mother once told me: ‘Birds peck at the best fruit’.” -Author Unknown
 
“Life would be a perpetual flea hunt if a man were obliged to run down all the innuendoes, inveracities, insinuations, and misrepresentations which are uttered against him.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
 
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . where everything old is new again . . . except old gossip . . . which never should have been told in the first place . . .
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Carpentry and Carpenters

6/21/2017

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Carpenters are people with purple thumbs and wood splinters in their skin . . . and they also enjoy a fairly decent standard of living.
 
Riddle: What is made of wood but cannot be sawed?
Answer: Sawdust.
 
Riddle: What has teeth but cannot chew?
Answer: A saw.
 
Carpenter: What seems to be the matter?
Apprentice: I cut this board six times and it is still too short!

Elmer: Where do apprentice carpenters live?
Grover: In boarding houses.

Jim: What did the dog say when he licked the sandpaper?
Bob: “Ruff, ruff!”

Two journeymen carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over his shoulder or hammer it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?” The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in.” The second journeyman got completely upset and yelled, “You dummy! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective - they’re for the other side of the house!”
 
Rob: I am reading a book that shows how to build storage spaces.
Roy: I guess you are still into those shelf-help books.

A so-called ‘2 X 4’ piece of wood is not 2 inches by 4 inches in size, but is actually 1.5 inches by 3.5 inches in size, and this oddity also occurs with other sizes of boards. The measurements of wooden boards are made prior to air drying or kiln drying, application of preservative chemicals, planing, and other treatments. Any person new to working with wood may want to obtain a chart showing the dimensions of rough lumber from which measurements are made, and the corresponding measurements of the finished lumber as available from lumberyards and building materials suppliers.

A carpenter went to a lumberyard and asked for some two-by-fours. “How long do you need them?” asked the yardman. “Oh, for a really long time. I’m building a house,” the carpenter replied.
Picture
​How do you remove a splinter? Just pour a drop of wood glue or all-purpose glue over the splinter, let it dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter will stick to the dried glue. Another technique is to put adhesive tape over the splinter and then pull it off. Adhesive tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. Tweezers will also work if you have them available.
 
“One 2 x 4 beam can support 607 pounds, but two 2 x 4’s nailed together can support not just 1,214 pounds (which is what you’d expect), but a whopping 4,878 pounds! So it is with us. We can do so much more together than we can alone.” -Sean Covey
 
Carpenter’s apprentices are sometimes sent on fool’s errands, meaning that they are sent off to go do something that might in fact be impossible, or to get something that maybe does not really exist, as in the following examples.
- Go fetch the board stretcher from the site foreman.
- I need you to get the left-handed hammer from Jim who is over by the cement mixer.
- I left the pull-cord for the ripsaw on the floor of Al’s truck, go get it for me.
 
A physicist, a mathematician, and a carpenter were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The carpenter chose the thermos bottle. “Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because a thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.” “Yes, so what?” “Think about it,” said the carpenter. “That little bottle, how does it ‘know’?”
 
“I was drilling a hole today, and I thought, ‘Well, this is boring.’”
 
Suppose you want to build shelves. Your plan might require, for example, 14 pieces of lumber that each are 1 inch thick by 12 inches wide by 90 inches in length (don’t worry, this is not a math problem). You go to your local lumberyard and find boards 1 inch thick by 12 inches wide by 96 inches in length. Does this mean you will have to cut 6 inches off each of the 14 pieces of wood to build your shelves? What if you do not have a saw, or you are not confident in your ability to make straight cuts? What can you do? Very likely, the people where you buy the wood will cut it to length for you. They will have plenty of practice and know how to cut the lumber to your exact specification, and have equipment that allows them to complete the job in a matter of minutes. So, instead of spending half a day breathing in sawdust and making crooked cuts, you get clean, straight, uniformly cut lumber. Most lumberyards and home improvement businesses will handle simple cuts like this for you. Some will also custom cut sheets of glass for windows and cut custom sized pieces of pipe for plumbing.
 
Glenard: Why do carpenters take so long to sign contracts?
Gwyneth: Because they want to hammer out all the details first.

Carpenter’s T-Shirt: Good grammar is important but carpentry is importanter.

Clementine: How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
Lemuel: Hey, that is the electrician’s job! We are unionized, you know.
 
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were hired to hammer a nail into a wall. For the job, the engineer built a Universal Automatic Nailer, a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall - but it ran on solar power and would not work on cloudy days. The physicist conducted a series of experiments on the strengths of hammers, nails, and walls, and then developed a revolutionary technology for ultra-sonic nail hammering, at super-cooled temperatures. The mathematician generalized the problem to an N dimensional problem of penetration of a one-dimensional nail into an N-1 dimensional hyper-wall, in which several fundamental theorems are provable. In the case of the mathematician, of course, the problem became too multifaceted to suggest the possibility of a simple solution, and the existence of a solution is still far from obvious. In the end, the company transferred the engineer, the physicist, and the mathematician to the janitorial department, the building security department, and the customer complaints department . . . and a carpenter was hired to hammer the nail into the wall.
 
Tad: What nails should carpenters avoid hitting with their hammers?
Thaddeus: Their fingernails.
 
Carpenter’s car bumper sticker: You Should See What I Saw!
 
Carpenter’s Saws (A ‘saw’ is an old saying or maxim.)
- Wood is good.
- Boards: Measure twice, cut once.
- Screws: Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
- Hammers: Hit the nail on the head and the thumb on the nail.
- A carpenter’s word is as good as wood.
 
“I think objects made of wood by children, left to their own devices, if such there be, will assay ten percent wood, ninety percent nails.” -Robert Paul Smith: “Where Did You Go?” “Out.” “What Did You Do?” “Nothing.” (1957)
 
Riddle:
I am buried in wood
From one end to the other,
But my head is exposed
While I keep things together.
What am I?
Answer:
I am a nail.
 
Famous Carpenters
- The earthly father of Jesus of Nazareth was a carpenter.
- Harrison Ford is a carpenter-turned-actor.
- Norman L. ‘Norm’ Abram is a master carpenter and television personality.
 
Charlotte: Why did the carpenter put a fir tree in his living room?
Lottie: He wanted to spruce up the place.

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail.” -Abraham H. Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970)): “The Psychology of Science” (1966)

Think about it, this could very well explain why people with hammers hit their thumbs; because they are holding hammers, their thumbs look like nails to them.

“When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a thumb.” -Author Unknown
 
The Carpenter’s Hammer
 
The carpenter’s hammer goes rap, rap, rap
And his saw goes see, saw, see
He saws and measures and hammers and paints
While he builds a house for me
 
-Author Unknown
 
Who does carpentry?
- Carpenters
- Handymen
- Framers
- Woodworkers
- Cabinetmakers
- Furniture makers
- Wood carvers
- Musical instrument makers
- Ship builders
- Can you think of others?
 
How much wood would a carpenter ant cut if a carpenter ant could cut wood?
 
We are suffering from a lack of good clean amusing carpentry jokes and facts to fill this space, so if you can help us, please contact us at www.MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
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Beginnings and Starting

6/19/2017

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​All things have their beginnings . . .
 
“It is time to get moving. Your spirits will lift accordingly.” -Author Unknown
 
“Do it now, because sometimes ‘later’ becomes ‘never.’” -Author Unknown
 
No matter our age or where we’ve been
     or what we’ve said and done,
Each sunrise is a reminder
     that we’ve only just begun.
-Author Unknown
 
“Don’t be afraid to start over. It’s a chance to build something better this time.” -Author Unknown
 
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.” -Marie Beynon Ray (1886 - 1963)
 
“For what it’s worth . . . it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)
 
“It is never too late, just as it is never too early.” -Author Unknown
 
“The hardest step of any worthwhile endeavor is always the first step. The second hardest step is the one you take after every fiber in your body says, “Quit!” but you know in your spirit you must carry on.” -Al Argo
 
“Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.” -Demosthenes (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
 
“Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with there is.” -Ernest Hemingway (Ernest Miller Hemingway (1899 - 1961))
 
“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.” -William James (1842 - 1910)
 
“It is better to begin in the evening than not at all.” -Author Unknown: English proverb
 
“Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.” -Richard L. Evans (Richard Louis Evans (1906 - 1971))
 
“Sometimes it is really hard to get going. We put off things we do not want to do, or we are afraid to try. We occasionally feel overwhelmed by the size of a job to be done, like cleaning out the cellar or reading a long book for a class. But think a minute. If Beethoven had thought about how complicated it would be to write his Ninth Symphony, with all the instruments and voices and notes to blend together, do you really think he would ever have started? But he did not get overwhelmed. He sat down and wrote just one small note, and then another, and third. It took him months, but writing one note led to a second and, one note at a time, he completed it. We begin the same way with whatever tasks we have ahead of us. Each tiny bit of progress helps us go on to the next part. We begin by reading one page of that book, or taking one box of junk from the cellar. That is all we have to do. The rest will follow almost on its own. The trick is to begin.” -Author Unknown
 
To ever new beginnings . . .
 
“If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin.” -Ivan Turgenev (Ivan Sergeyevich Turgenev (1818 - 1883))
 
“This is the start of something wonderful.” -Author Unknown
 
“It isn’t where you came from; it’s where you’re going that counts.” -Ella Fitzgerald (1918 - 1996)
 
“Of a good beginning cometh a good end.” -John Heywood (1497 - 1580): “Proverbs” (1546), part I, chapter X
 
“Until one is committed, there is always hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that never otherwise would have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
 
“Mighty things from small beginnings grow.” -John Dryden (1631 - 1700)
 
“You begin by always expecting good things to happen.” -Tom Hopkins
 
“As the dimensions of the tree are not always regulated by the size of the seed, so the consequences of things are not always proportionate to the apparent magnitude of those events that have produced them.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832)): “Lacon: or, Many Things in Few Words” (1820), CLXXXVIII
 
“Begin with the end in mind.” -Stephen Covey (Stephen Richards Covey (1932 - 2012))
 
“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
 
“It doesn’t matter where you start. Only that you begin.” -Robin Sharma (born 1965)
 
“Every ending is creating the space and opening for an amazing new beginning.” -Bryant McGill (born 1969)

“Start from wherever you are and with whatever you’ve got.” -Jim Rohn (Emanuel James ‘Jim’ Rohn (1930 - 2009))
 
“He has half the deed done who has made a beginning. Have the courage to be wise. Begin!” -Quintus Horatius Flaccus (also known as Horace (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.)): “Epistles”
 
“If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed.” -David Viscott (1938 - 1996)
 
“The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings.” -Dave Weinbaum (born about 1952)
 
“The start is what stops most people.” -Don Shula (Donald Francis Shula (born 1930))
 
“The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
 
“All glory comes from daring to begin.” -Eugene Ware (Eugene Fitch Ware (1841 - 1911))
 
“If the first button of one’s coat is wrongly buttoned, all the rest will be crooked.” -Giordano Bruno (1548 - 1600): as attributed in John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton: “The Cambridge Modern History” (1904), page 707
 
“You can’t get much done by starting tomorrow.” -Author Unknown
 
“The best time for new beginnings is now.” -Author Unknown
 
“He who is outside his door has the hardest part of his journey behind him.” -Author Unknown: Dutch proverb

“The beginnings of all things are small.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero (also known as Tully or simply as Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
 
“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
 
“Too many people spend too much time trying to perfect something before they actually do it. Instead of waiting for perfection, run with what you’ve got, and fix it along the way.” -Paul Arden (1940 - 2008)
 
“The beginning is the most important part of any work.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - about 347 B.C.E.): “The Republic” (about 380 B.C.E.), Book 2
 
“The secret to living the life of your dreams is to start living the life of your dreams today, in every little way you possibly can.” -Mike Dooley (born 1961)
 
“I have begun several times many things, and I have often succeeded at last.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
 
“You can’t cross the sea merely by staring at the water.” -Rabindranath Tagore (1861 - 1941)
 
“Making a start involves physics. An object at rest tends to remain at rest; an object in motion tends to remain in motion - unless acted upon by an outside force in either instance. So the difficulty is only one of getting an object at rest - which is you, your circumstances, other people around you, and so forth, into a state of motion. Once in motion, or that is, having made a start, objects and courses of events have a known propensity to remain in motion.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born 1966)
 
“Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.” -Edward Eggleston (1837 - 1902)
 
“You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.” -Stephen King (born 1947)
 
“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb (born 1956)
 
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -Lao Tzu (604 B.C.E. - 531 B.C.E.)
 
“Don’t be afraid if things seem difficult in the beginning. That’s only the initial impression. The important thing is not to retreat; you have to master yourself.” -Olga Korbut (Olga Valentinovna Korbut (born 16 May 1955))
 
“Do not despise the bottom rungs in the ascent to greatness.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
 
“If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved.” -Maurice Chevalier (Maurice Auguste Chevalier (1888 - 1972))
 
“The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” -William Faulkner (1897 - 1962)
 
“I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.” -Takeshi Shudo (1949 - 2010), speaking through his fictional character Mewtwo
 
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
 
“Well begun is half done.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
 
“It’s never too late for a new beginning in your life.” -Joyce Meyer (born 1943)

“As it turns out, now is the moment you’ve been waiting for.” -Lucinda Williams (born 1953)
 
“So many fail because they don’t get started - they don’t go. They don’t overcome inertia. They don’t begin.” -W. Clement Stone (William Clement Stone (1902 - 2002))
 
“When was the last time you did something for the first time?” -John C. Maxwell (John Calvin Maxwell (born 20 February 1947))
 
“You can learn new things at any time in your life if you’re willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up for you.” -Barbara Sher (born 1935): “I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It” (1995)
 
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
 
“The question for each man is not what he would do if he had the means, time, influence, and educational advantages, but what he will do with the things he has.” -Alexander Hamilton (1755 or 1757 - 1804)
 
“Begin anywhere.” -John Cage (John Milton Cage, Junior (1912 - 1992))
 
“It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.” -Henry James, Junior (1843 - 1916)
 
“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” -Napoleon Hill (Oliver Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970))
 
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” -Shunryu Suzuki (1904 - 1971)

“Take the first step, no more, no less, and the next will be revealed.” -Ken Roberts (born 1946): “A Rich Man’s Secret” (1995) (similar quotation attributed to Clement Watt)
 
“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” -Arthur Ashe (1943 - 1993)
 
“The one thing all famous authors, world class athletes, business tycoons, singers, actors, and celebrated achievers in any field have in common is that they all began their journeys when they were none of these things.” -Mike Dooley (born 1961)
 
“No matter how small and unimportant what we are doing may seem, if we do it well, it may soon become the step that will lead us to better things.” -Channing Pollock (1880 - 1946)
 
“Our grand business in life is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
 
“Can anything be sadder than work unfinished? Yes, work never begun.” -Christina Rossetti (Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830 - 1894))
 
“Every really new idea looks crazy at first.” -Abraham Maslow (Abraham Harold Maslow (1908 - 1970))
 
Well begun
Is half done.
-Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 6294
 
“The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn; the bird waits in the egg; and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs.” -James Allen (1864 - 1912): “As a Man Thinketh” (1903)
 
“Out of the lowest depths there is a path to the loftiest height.” -Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881)
 
“You already have all you need.” -James Cardinal Gibbons: “The Light of the Cross” (1905; 2 volumes)
 
“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must. But take a step.” -Naeem Callaway
 
“And suddenly you just know it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” -Meister Eckhart (Eckhart von Hochheim (about C.E. 1260 - about 1327))
 
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . let’s continue reading to find out if anything on this website rhymes . . .
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Criticisms and Critics

6/16/2017

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There is more to life than just expressing likes and dislikes . . .
 
“I am not given to finding fault, for there are innumerable fools.” -Plato (about 427 - about 347 B.C.E.): “Protagoras”
 
“Some people find fault like there’s a reward for it.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
 
“A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by.” -Christopher Morley (Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957))
 
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’re a mile away from them - and you have their shoes!” -Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
 
“I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero (also known as Tully or simply Cicero (106 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.))
 
Riddle: What is easier to give than receive?
Solution: Criticism.
 
“The reason to not take things personally is to understand that what people say about you is a reflection of them, not you.” -Author Unknown
 
Critics
 
What one approves, another scorns,
And thus his nature each discloses;
You find the rosebush full of thorns,
I find the thornbush full of roses.
 
-Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)
 
“Never allow anyone to rain on your parade and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on the entire day. Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealously, and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))
 
“All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.” -Author Unknown
 
“The sad part about life is that we tend to comment only on those who do it wrong and neglect to balance it with praise for those who do it right.” -Keith Ready
 
“Wink at small faults.” -John Clarke (1596 - 1658): “Proverbs: English and Latine” (1639)
 
“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
 
“Sandwich every bit of criticism between two thick layers of praise.” -Mary Kay Ash (1918 - 2001)
 
“Much of what people attempt to pass off as criticism or even constructive criticism is actually condemnation and an effort to slight or wound or destroy another person. You must develop a hard shell around your essential self to stop the slings and arrows of the critical and judgmental people you will encounter throughout your lifetime.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“Long experience has taught me that to be criticized is not always to be wrong.” -Anthony Eden: in a speech at the Lord Mayor’s Guildhall banquet during the Suez crisis, as quoted in the “Daily Herald” (10 November 1956) newspaper
 
The stones that critics hurl with harsh intent
A man may use to build his monument.
-Arthur Guiterman (1871 - 1943)
 
“Criticism is a destroyer of self-worth and esteem.” -H. Burke Peterson (Harold Burke Peterson (1923 - 2013)): ‘Preparing the Heart,’ in “Ensign” (May 1990), page 83
 
“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” -Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994)
 
Many people who call themselves ‘critics’ would better serve themselves if they instead made themselves into ‘reviewers’ and their ‘critiques’ into ‘reviews.’
 
“Criticizing another’s garden does not keep the weeds out of your own.” -Author Unknown
 
“To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1788))
 
“The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away.” -Charles M. Schwab (1862 - 1939)
 
“If you have no will to change it, you have no right to criticize it.” -Author Unknown
 
“Criticism of others is futile and if you indulge in it often you should be warned that it can be fatal to your career.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
 
Hypercritical: Excessively and unreasonably critical, especially of small faults.
 
“He who fancies himself very enlightened, because he sees the deficiencies of others, may be very ignorant, because he has not studied his own.” -Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803 - 1873)
 
“Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been put up in honor of a critic.” -Jean Sibelius
 
“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” -Bill Nye (Edgar Wilson ‘Bill’ Nye; quotation commonly misattributed to Mark Twain), referring to Richard Wagner
 
“What you dislike in another, take care to correct in yourself.” -Thomas Sprat
 
“Movie Critic: A person who gives the best jeers of his or her life to the theater.” -Author Unknown
 
“People who judge others are insecure about themselves.” -Author Unknown
 
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
 
“Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours burn any brighter.” -Author Unknown
 
“To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult.” -Plutarch
 
“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace.” -Judith Martin (born in 1938)
 
“Sometimes people try to expose what’s wrong with you because they can’t handle everything that’s right about you.” -Author Unknown
 
“Make it your habit not to be critical about small things.” -Edward Everett Hale (1822 - 1909): as quoted in Jessie K. Freeman and Sarah S. B. Yule: “Thoughts Selected from the Writings of Favorite Authors” (1901)
 
“Criticism is something we can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
 
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” -Matthew: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Matthew,’ chapter 7, verse 1
 
“If we had no faults we should not take so much pleasure in noting those of others.” -Duc de Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)
 
“Court not the critic’s smile, nor dread his frown.” -Walter Scott (1771 - 1832)
 
“The most insignificant people are the most apt to sneer at others. They are safe from reprisals and have no hope of rising in their own self-esteem but by lowering their neighbors.” -William Hazlitt (1778 - 1830)
 
“People who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size.” -Author Unknown
 
“Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.” -Zeuxis of Heraclea (464 B.C.E. - 400 B.C.E.)
 
“Don’t worry about what people say about you; they are busy finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own lives.” -Author Unknown
 
“Criticism is a life without risk.” -John Lahr (born in 1941): “Light Fantastic: Adventures in Theatre” (1996)
 
“You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark.” -Wallace Arnold
 
“Our worst fault is our preoccupation with the faults of others.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931): as quoted in Robin Waterfield, editor: “The Voice of Kahlil Gibran: An Anthology” (1995)
 
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we could find other things as easily as we find fault?” -Author Unknown
 
“It is easier to be critical than correct.” -Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
 
“The man who is anybody and who does anything is surely going to be criticized, vilified, and misunderstood. This is part of the penalty for greatness, and every man understands, too, that it is no proof of greatness.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915))
 
Overheard: People who have time to point out others’ mistakes have time to do some work.
 
“Pay more attention to your creator than your critics.” -Author Unknown
 
“No matter what you or anyone else does, there will be someone who says that there’s something bad about it. Whenever somebody comes up with a good idea, there’s somebody else who has never had a good idea in his life who stands up and says, ‘Oh, you can’t do that . . .’” -Tom Clancy
 
“When one dog barks another will join it.” -Author Unknown
 
“Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.” -H. Jackson Brown, Junior (born in 1940)
 
“Usually our criticism of others is not because they have faults, but because their faults are different than ours.” -Roger Eastman
 
Can you list ten things more fun and interesting to do than criticizing others?
 
“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, criticize.” -Author Unknown

“Be a doer and not a critic.” -Tony Blair
 
“Criticism does not make you smarter or better than the one you are criticizing. In fact, the stuff you are critical of in others is the same stuff you don’t like about yourself.” -Iyanla Vanzant
 
“It is easier to pull down than to build up.” -Author Unknown
 
“He has never learned anything, and he can do nothing in decent style.” -Author Unknown: comment made by Beethoven’s teacher
 
“It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others.” -Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)
 
“When we criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” -Richard Carlson (1961 - 2006)
 
“Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember - the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
 
“People criticized me. So I changed. But people still criticized me. So I changed more. And still people criticized me. Then finally I realized it’s what they will do, no matter what. And I changed once more, by no longer listening to those people.” -Brian Vaszily
 
“I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” -Charles M. Schwab (1862 - 1939)
 
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . a website put together by some folks who could have been clowns but who lack costumes . . . and who also have no discernable talent for being clowns . . . how’s that for criticism?
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Worrying and Worriers

6/15/2017

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Picture
“Do not worry too much - you will create a problem that was not even there in the first place!” -Author Unknown
 
“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.” -Morris West (Morris Langlo West (1916 - 1999))
 
“Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don’t want.” -Esther Hicks (born in 1948)
 
“Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow.” -Author Unknown
 
A Worry
 
A worry crept into a mind,
Leaving claw marks and gashes behind.
     It turned the mind blue
     As it twisted each screw,
Then it chuckled, and left, with a grind.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those that never happen.” -James Russell Lowell (1819 - 1891)
 
 “The best antidote to worry is work.” -A. J. Cronin (Archibald Joseph Cronin (1896 - 1981))
 
“Worry is a form of fear, and all forms of fear produce fatigue. A man who has learned not to feel fear will find the fatigue of daily life enormously diminished.” -Bertrand Russell (Bertrand Arthur William Russell (1872 - 1970))
 
If you’re worried and you can’t sleep,
Just count your blessings instead of sheep,
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings.
-Irving Berlin (1888 - 1989): “Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep” (1954); type of work: song
 
“Our worst misfortunes never happen, and most miseries lie in anticipation.” -Honoré de Balzac (1799 - 1850)
 
“Stop worrying . . . and start making jokes!” -Author Unknown
 
My Worry
 
A little bitty worry
Started early in the day;
By noon it seemed my worry
Hovered, standing in my way;
The things and thoughts
I should have had
Got buried in my mind,
Until my little worry turned
Into the horrid kind.
By bedtime I was frantic -
What to do, oh what to do!
And then I couldn’t go to sleep,
For worrying - fretting, too.
By morning I was almost sick,
When suddenly and soon,
My worry had been all worked out
Before the toll of noon;
Then I looked back and saw my worry
Just for what it was -
A thing that didn’t happen,
As a worry seldom does.
 
-Bonnie Daisy Nelson: as published in “A Garden of Poems” from the Salesian Collection

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles . . . by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” -Mark Twain (pseudonym of Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
 
“Let not your heart be troubled.” -John: as quoted in “The Bible” (King James Version, 1611), ‘The Gospel According to John,’ chapter 14, verse 1
 
“Wringing your hands only stops you from rolling up your sleeves.” -James Rollins
 
“Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles; it takes away today’s peace.” - Author Unknown
 
“We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” -Ethel Barrett (1913 - 1998)
 
“Who says worry doesn’t help - all those things I worry about don’t happen!” -Author Unknown
 
“Meditate upon exile, torture, wars, diseases, shipwreck . . . so that you may not be a novice to any misfortune.” -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
________________________________________________________
 
I Worried
 
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the Earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
 
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
 
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it well and I am, well
hopeless.
 
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
 
Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.
 
-Mary Oliver
________________________________________________________
 
“Worrying takes up just as much time as work, but work pays better dividends.” -Author Unknown
 
“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.” -Michel de Montaigne (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)): “Essais” (“Essays”) (1595), Book 3, chapter 1
 
“The most pleasant and useful persons are those who leave some of the problems of the Universe for God to worry about.” -Don Marquis (1878 - 1937)
 
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” -Dale Carnegie (Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (1888 - 1955))
 
“Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.” -Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.C.E. - C.E. 17 or 18))
 
“The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” -Voltaire (pseudonym of François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
 
“Some of today’s worries are like puddles: tomorrow they will have evaporated.” -Author Unknown
 
“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” -Author Unknown: Swedish proverb
 
“A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913)
 
“It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
 
“What worries you, masters you.” -John Locke (1632 - 1704)
 
“A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” -Harold Stephens (born in 1926)
 
“Worry is an abuse of God’s gift of imagination.” -Corrine Lajeunesse
 
“Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night.” -Leo Aikman (James Leo Aikman (1908 - 1978))
 
Worry: Mountain climbing over molehills.
 
“If you’re overwhelmed by thinking of all there is to be done, stop thinking about it so much and start working on it.” -Author Unknown
 
“Don’t let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.” -Author Unknown
 
“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963))
 
Worry
 
Worry is a futile thing,
It’s somewhat like a rocking chair;
Although it keeps you occupied,
It doesn’t get you anywhere.
 
-Author Unknown
 
Overheard: Don’t tell me worrying doesn’t do any good - I know better! Most of the things I worry about never happen.
 
“Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.” -Corrie ten Boom (Cornelia ‘Corrie’ ten Boom (1892 - 1983))
 
“Nothing wastes more energy than worrying. The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it becomes. Don’t take life too seriously. Live a life full of serenity, not full of regrets.” -Douglas Pagels (born in 1950)
 
“How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” (1948) is a self-help book by Dale Carnegie (1888 - 1955). Mr. Carnegie wrote in the preface of the book that he wrote it because he “was one of the unhappiest lads in New York.” He said that he made himself sick with worry because he hated his position in life. The goal of the book is to lead the reader to a more enjoyable and fulfilling life, helping them to become more aware of not only themselves, but of others around them. Mr. Carnegie addresses the everyday nuances of living, in order to get the reader to focus on the larger canvas of life.
 
“Worry never accomplishes anything. When you have a problem, it is best to concentrate on the solution to that problem, not the problem itself.” -Thomas D. Willhite (1940 - 1983)
 
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep always in the sunlight.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
 
“Worry is an unhealthy and destructive mental habit.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
 
“There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)
 
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength.” -A. J. Cronin (Archibald Joseph Cronin (1896 - 1981))
________________________________________________________
 
Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
 
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
 
-Jesus Christ: as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘Matthew,’ chapter 6, verses 25 through 34
________________________________________________________
 
“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will overlook what is.” -Author Unknown
 
“Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keep you busy doing nothing.” -Author Unknown
 
“I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.” -Author Unknown
 
“Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.” -Mary Hemingway
 
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” -Corrie ten Boom (Cornelia ‘Corrie’ ten Boom (1892 - 1983)): “Clippings from my Notebook” (1982)
 
“Worrying is silly - it is like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain.” -Author Unknown
 
How can you make the ‘Worry List’ you carry in your head a little shorter?
 
“Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear three kinds - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.” -Edward Everett Hale (1822 - 1909)
 
“To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.” -Author Unknown
 
“Do not let trifles disturb your tranquility of mind. The little pinpricks of daily life, when dwelt upon and magnified, may do great damage, but if ignored or dismissed from thought, will disappear from inanition. Most men have worried about things which never happened, and more men have been killed by worry than by hard work. Life is so great in its opportunities and possibilities, that you should rise confidently above the inevitable trifles incident to daily contact with the world. Life is too precious to be sacrificed for the nonessential and transient . . . Ignore the inconsequential.” -Grenville Kleiser (1868 - 1953)

“You can’t change the past, but you can a ruin a perfectly good present worrying about the future.” -Author Unknown
 
“People spend most of their lives worrying about things that never happen.” -Jean Molière (pseudonym of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin (1622 - 1673))
 
Worries and Worriers Quiz
- How do you know if you are worrying too much?
- Can worrying make you sick?
- Can you train yourself to worry less?
 
“If you truly want to test your memory, try to remember the things you worried about yesterday!” -Author Unknown
 
“Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.” -Author Unknown
 
“Don’t fill your head with worries. There won’t be room for anything else!” -Author Unknown
 
At ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ we are worried that we might actually be taken seriously. So, we rely on nice folks like you to keep emailing silly stuff to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Okay, that is enough worrying for one day . . . now let’s go have some fun!
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Superheroes

6/12/2017

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Picture
This looks like a job for a superhero - or perhaps it is a job for you . . .
 
Emma: How does Spiderman repair holes in his costume?
Emmit: With super glue!
 
“Ask yourself who you want to help today, then put on your cape and do it.” -Scottie Somers
 
Superboy: Why could Batman and Robin not go fishing?
Superman: Why?
Superboy: Because Robin ate all the worms!
 
Admit it, at some point in life, you have tried to see if you have super powers.
 
Darla: Why did the superhero cross the road?
Marla: To get to the supermarket.

Overheard: I am not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in a room together.
 
Myrna: What is Batman’s favorite part of a joke?
Verna: The ‘punch’ line!
 
We have a great idea for a new superhero: Spudman. Like all potato people, he has many ‘eyes’ so he can simultaneously see in all directions without having to turn and look. His secret hideout is underground in a farm field, although he is often spotted in the produce section at grocery stores. He has to contend with a number of villainous chefs who want to turn him into garlic mashed potatoes, onion-potato cakes, a bacon-and-chives topped stuffed baked potato, or other fabulous foodstuffs, while he tries to save the people of Vegopolis from a massive celery famine, all the while being distracted by Sweet Potato and Candied Yam, both of whom are competing for his attention . . . what’s that . . . oh, gotta go, the boss is yelling at us to stop goofing around and get back to work!
 
Eunice: Why is Superman’s shirt so tight?
Eustice: Because it is a size ‘S’!
 
Kirby: How does the butler Alfred Pennyworth call Batman to dinner?
Herbie: “Dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-Batman!!!” (Sing it to the tune of the 1960’s “Batman” television show theme music to get the full effect of the joke.)
 
Overheard: If I could be a superhero, I would be called Ironic. That way, when there is any trouble and I am running away from it, people would say, “Isn’t that Ironic?”
 
Every episode of the television show “Seinfeld” has a reference to Superman somewhere in it.
 
Alvin: What is Spiderman’s favorite month?
Vincent: Webruary.
 
Superman first appeared in “Action Comics no. 1” (June 1938).
 
Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg,
The bat-mobile lost its wheels,
And Joker got away!
-Author Unknown
 
People tend to think they are physically stronger when wearing Superman t-shirts.
 
Spiderman went to the video rental store and asked if he could have “Batman Forever.” The clerk said, “No, just 24 hours like everyone else.”
 
Judy: Who can leap higher than a tall building?
Jody: Anybody, because tall buildings cannot leap!
Picture
Batman waiting for the school bus - will the school bus driver be the Joker, Robin, Cat Woman, or the mayor of Gotham City?
 
The unassuming Clark Kent wears regular-people clothes, but when he becomes Superman, he rapidly changes into a colorful red-and-blue spandex suit with a cape - so what does he do with his regular clothes when he is in super-mode? Rumor has it that he wears his superhero outfit under his regular clothes, and that he has a hidden pocket in his cape, into which he places his super-neatly-folded regular clothes. Mystery solved!
 
Charlene: What would you get if Batman and his sidekick Robin were run over by a herd of stampeding elephants?
Darlene: Flatman and Ribbon.
 
Superman, also known as Clark Kent, was created in 1934 by Jerome ‘Jerry’ Siegel, a graduate of Glenville High School in Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America. Mr. Siegel’s partner, Joseph ‘Joe’ Shuster, improved the character with tights, a cape, and a handsome face. They moved to New York City, where they faced hard times and sold all rights to the comic-strip character to DC Comics for a mere $130. In June 1938, the first Superman comic appeared, and the muscle-bound flying man ‘really took off.’
 
Merlin: What was Batman doing in a tree?
Marlena: Looking for Robin.
 
As the mild-mannered Clark Kent, Superman is afraid of girls. He is probably worried that he will run into the one he stole the red-and-blue outfit he wears from.
 
Archie: What is green and sour and flies?
Archibald: Super Pickle!
 
The name ‘Clark Kent’ (Superman) was derived from the names of actors Clark Gable and Kent Taylor.
 
Ernest: What is the difference between the Green Lantern and a leprechaun?
Nestor: Nothing; they are both fictional characters.
 
Legal disclaimer on an actual superhero costume: Wearing this costume does not enable its wearer to fly.
 
“DC Comics is reviving Superman’s old outfit. I never understood Superman’s clothes. We all got used to the fact that he wears his underpants over the leotard. But why do his underpants have a belt on them?” -Jay Leno

Does ‘Spiderman’ have a ‘website’?

Mathilda: Where do superheroes hold their annual convention?
Hilda: Cape Town.
 
Unlikely Superheroes
- Vacuum Cleaner Sales & Repair Man: He not only sells you a vacuum cleaner, but he also fixes it if is ever broken.
- Shoe Collector Woman: Travels through the air in a flying shoe and throws shoes at criminals.
- Hysterical Parrot: Shows up and causes so much chaos and confusion that villains give up and flee the scene.
- Ironman: Saves people by removing the wrinkles from their clothes, as for example, just before their job interviews and weddings.
- The Historian: Has the power to become any person in history.
- The Caped Politician: Watches over polling places to make sure nobody cheats by voting more than once.
- The Cheapskate: A superhero who saves the world by showing people how to do everything for less money.
- The Element: A superhero who can become anything on the Periodic Table.
- The Angry Grenade: A superhero who explodes and then later reassembles.
- Can you think of others?
 
Superman climbed the Empire State Building to challenge King Kong to a fight. King Kong said, “I don’t have time - I’ve got to catch a plane!”

Some superheroes have sidekicks, or partners, and some superheroes have no sidekicks.
 
Thaddeus: Why did Batman go to the pet shop?
Tad: To buy a Robin.

Why do superheroes wear their underpants on the outside of their clothes? Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all wear elaborate costumes. The trio of superhero characters was created between 1935 and 1945. They were meant to be men and women of action, so their costumes were based on the men and women of action of the time. Superman’s costume was originally like that of a circus strongman. Wonder Woman’s was modeled on the costume of a trapeze artist. Their costumes were meant to be flashy and exciting and glamorous. Batman’s costume was based more on the black-and-white ‘film noir’ movies of the times, which were about dark avengers who skulked about in the shadows, scaring the wits out of criminals (Sounds like fun, right? Maybe you should consider a career in law enforcement.). Because Batman was meant to be a scary character, his costume made him look like a creepy creature from the shadows. Those costume styles stuck and became clichéd, particularly since the three characters had become instant hits of that time period. So, when new superheroes began to arrive, they also tended to have capes and tights just like circus-strongman Superman wears, or colorful trapeze outfits like Wonder Woman wears, or dark cloaks and scary masks like Batman wears. Because superhero creators are competitive, the result over time was that superhero costumes became more and more show-offish. And, what looks like underwear worn on the outside of their superhero costumes is actually tight shorts commonly worn by circus performers of the time, which gave them freedom of movement as they did their stunts to entertain audiences. What may look like belts holding up their ‘underpants’ are ‘utility belts’ which can hold any number of tools and devices the superheroes deploy in their crime-fighting adventures.
 
Heather: Where does Spiderman hang out?
Heath: On the worldwide web.
 
“Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!” -George Lother, making the program introduction for the “Superman” radio show (first broadcast on 12 February 1940)
 
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer ever teamed up, would they become ‘alloys’?
 
Super Quiz
- What characteristics or traits do superheroes have in common with you?
- If you were a superhero, what would you choose as your alter-ego name?
- Which superhero would you like to have lunch with?
- If you were a superhero, what would your costume look like?
- Other than as entertainment, do superheroes serve any useful purpose?
- What people from history most resemble superheroes?
 
Mel: What was Batman’s ‘real’ name?
Nel: Bruce Wayne.
 
Overheard: If I could be any superhero, I would be Aluminum Man - my superpower would be ‘foiling’ crime . . .
 
Hope: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Faith: None; for some reason, they actually seem to prefer the dark.
 
Have you ever wanted to be a superhero? Why wait? There is a place in cyberspace for real life superheroes - people who don costumes and fight crime or just do good deeds. Go to www.worldsuperheroregistry.com. Hope to see you there!
 
Aaron: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?
Erin: He was the batboy.
 
Despite his name, ‘Spiderman’ does not eat bugs. He eats regular people food, just like the rest of us do.

Customer: Where does Superman shop for groceries?
Cashier: At the Supermarket!
Picture
​The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder, also known as Batman and Robin.
 
We are saving humanity one joke at a time - will you please help us with your own superhero humor? You can use your superpowers to reach us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Remember, you do not need a cape or the ability to fly to go out into the world and MFOL! (Make Fun Of Life!)
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Giving and Helping

6/11/2017

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Picture
If you continually give, you will continually have . . .
 
This I’ve learned with time -
What you give, you always get back;
What you sow, you reap in kind.
Always be helpful to others
And give what you can spare;
For by being kind to strangers,
We may help angels unaware.
-Author Unknown
 
“The miracle is this: the more we share, the more we have.” -Leonard Nimoy (1931 - 2015)
 
“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.” -Clara Lucas Balfour (1808 - 1878): “Sunbeams for All Seasons: Counsels, Cautions, and Precepts” (1861)
 
A man there was, tho’ some did count him mad,
The more he cast away the more he had.
-John Bunyan: “Pilgrims Progress” (1678), Part Two, Section VII

In modern parlance, the above would be as follows.

A man there was, and they called him mad;
For the more he gave, the more he had.
-John Bunyan: “Pilgrims Progress” (1678), Part 2, Section 7
 
“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
________________________________________________________
 
The Art of Giving
 
We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the heart:
Love, kindness, joy, understanding, sympathy, tolerance, forgiveness.
 
We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the mind:
Ideas, dreams, purposes, ideals, principles, plans, inventions, projects, poetry.
 
We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the spirit:
Prayer, vision, beauty, aspiration, peace, faith.
 
We give of ourselves when we give the gift of words:
Encouragement, inspiration, guidance.
 
-Author Unknown
________________________________________________________
 
“Every charitable act is a stepping stone toward Heaven.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
 
“Givers get given to.” -Russell Simmons
 
Al’s wife devoted a lot of her time to nursing sick birds, and Al was tired of it. One evening, he came home to find an oil-soaked seagull in his favorite chair while a duck on the ottoman pecked listlessly at a piece of fruit. He strode into the kitchen, where his wife was comforting a shivering little wren. “I can’t take it!” he yelled. “Please, dear,” she interrupted, “not in front of the children.”
 
“Give help rather than advice.” -Luc de Vauvenargues (Luc de Clapiers, marquis de Vauvenargues (1715 - 1747))
 
“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” -John Andrew Holmes, Junior
 
“It’s not that successful people are givers; it is that givers are successful people.” -Patti Thor
 
“The giver receives more than the receiver gets.” -Author Unknown
 
“I wondered why somebody didn’t do something, and then I realized I am somebody.” -Lily Tomlin (born in 1939)
 
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” -Author Unknown
 
“He helps others most, who shows them how to help themselves.” -A. P. Gouthey (Aldolph Philip Gouthey (some sources show Adolph Philip Gouthey (1892 - 1963)))
 
Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948), the Indian statesman and spiritual leader, was noted for his humanity and selflessness. Gandhi was boarding a train one day, with several companions and followers, when his shoe fell from his foot and disappeared in the gap between the train and platform. Unable to retrieve it, he took off his other shoe and threw it down by the first. Responding to the puzzlement of his fellow travelers, Gandhi explained that a poor person who finds a single shoe is no better off - what is really helpful is for a poor person to find a pair of shoes.
 
“The hand that gives is the hand that gets.” [English translation]
“An làmb a bheir, ’s i a gheibh.” [original Scots Gaelic]
-Author Unknown
 
“Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful.” -Ric Ocasek
 
“When you find yourself in the position to help someone, be happy and feel blessed because God is answering that person’s prayer through you.” -Alberto P. Casing (similar quotation attributed to Becky Hernley Brown)
 
“What the poor need is not a hand-out, but a hand-up.” -Author Unknown
 
Riddle: Where is the best place to find a helping hand?
Answer: At the end of your own arm.

“The best helping hand that you will ever receive is the one at the end of your own arm.” -Fred Dehner
 
“Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it.” -John D. Rockefeller, Junior (John Davison Rockefeller, Junior): as quoted in “The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on The Business of Life” (1950)
 
“Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us daily.” -Sally Koch
 
“Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.” -Frank A. Clark (1911 - 1991)
 
“The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.” -Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
 
One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy of about six or seven years of age was standing out in front of a store window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags. A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing. They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, “Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday.” The little boy looked up at her and asked, “Are you God, Ma’am?” She smiled down at him and replied, “No son, I’m just one of His children.” The little boy said, “I knew you had to be some relation.”
 
“The first great gift we can bestow on others is a good example.” -Thomas Morell
 
“Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or pat on the back just might pull someone back from the edge.” -Carmelia Elliott

“The best gifts cost so little: the gift of your presence, your welcoming smile, a pleasant greeting, a handshake or embrace, a nod of acknowledgement, a moment in time, a listening ear, a simple joke, a hearty laugh.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
A big, strong man visited a church and asked to see the pastor’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable inclinations. “Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $2,400.” “How terrible!” exclaimed the pastor’s wife. “May I ask who you are?” The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
 
“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Acts,’ chapter 20, verse 35
 
A policeman was taking an accident report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six-year-old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, “Are you a policeman?” “Yes, I am,” he said. “My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman - is that right?” the girl asked. “Yes, it is,” said the policeman. The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, “Okay, then, would you tie my shoe?”
 
Overheard: Sharing is caring!
 
“The whole worth of a kind deed lies in the love that inspires it.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
 
“There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.” -Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)
 
“Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.” -Author Unknown
 
“A gift, with a kind countenance, is a double present.” -Author Unknown
 
“When you give someone a book, you don’t give him just paper, ink, and glue. You give him the possibility of a whole new life.” -Christopher Darlington Morley (1890 - 1957)
 
“In helping others, we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us.” -Flora Edwards
 
“No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.” -Calvin Coolidge (John Calvin Coolidge (1872 - 1933))
 
“Don’t do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn’t do for themselves.” -Author Unknown
 
“One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but ends up impoverished.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Book of Proverbs,’ chapter 11, verse 24
 
“Givers have to set limits, because takers rarely do.” -Author Unknown
 
“There is no use whatever trying to help people who do not help themselves. You cannot push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb himself.” -Andrew Carnegie (Andrew Carnegie (1835 - 1919))
 
“There are people in life, and there are many of them, whom you will have to help as long as they live. They will never be able to stand alone.” -William Osler (1849 - 1919)
 
“You have to give before you get.” -Author Unknown
 
“The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch.” -Catherine Hall
 
“It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.” -Philip Gibbs
 
A minister soliciting for a worthy cause was turned down by a curt letter that ended, “As far as I can see, this Christian business is one continuous give, give, give.” The clergyman wrote back, “Thank you for the best definition of the Christian life I have ever heard.”
 
“A candle lights others and consumes itself.” -Author Unknown: proverb

“It is good to be helpful and kindly, but don’t give yourself to be melted into candle grease for the benefit of the tallow trade.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
 
“Keeping from falling, is better than helping up.” -Author Unknown

The Old Woman of Leeds
 
There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
     She worked for the poor
     Till her fingers were sore,
This pious old woman of Leeds!
 
-Author Unknown
 
“We are here on Earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” -W. H. Auden
 
“He that does good to another does good also to himself, not only in the consequence but in the very act. For the consciousness of well-doing is in itself ample reward.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca (also known as Seneca the Younger or simply Seneca (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65))
 
“Always help someone. You might be the only one who does so.” -Author Unknown
 
“Giving is the secret of a healthy life. Not necessarily money, but whatever a man has of encouragement and sympathy and understanding.” -John D. Rockefeller, Junior
 
“You cannot save everyone. Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much you try to help them.” -Bryant McGill
 
“It is in giving that we receive.” -Francis of Assisi (1181 - 1226): “The Prayer of Saint Francis”
 
Unless someone like you
cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.
It’s not.
-Doctor Seuss (pseudonym of Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991)): “The Lorax” (1971)
 
“Even a little gift may be vast with loving kindness.” -Theocritus
 
“You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” -Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994): “Too Sensitive” (1967)
 
Thank you for joining us today on ‘MFOL!’ . . . May the bluebird of happiness always be perched upon your windowsill . . .
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Weather and Climates

6/9/2017

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Picture
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity . . . or is it the other way around . . . or maybe it’s the alligators and mosquitoes and swamp monsters . . . all of whom seem to be enjoying the weather and climate here!
 
“My favorite weather is bird-chirping weather.” -Loire Hartwould (pseudonym of Terri Guillemets): “April Morning on the Patio” (1988)
 
Five Little Weathermen
 
Five little weathermen sitting on a gate.
The first one said, “My, it’s getting late.”
The second one said, “There are storm clouds in the sky.”
The third one said, “Let’s run inside.”
The fourth one said, “Wait, the Sun is peeking out.”
The fifth one said, “That’s what weather’s all about.”
Ooh . . . went the wind, and up flew their kite,
And the five little weathermen chased it out of sight.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.” -Anthony J. D’Angelo: “The College Blue Book” (1 November 1995)
 
“Antiphanes said merrily that in a certain city the cold was so intense that words were congealed as soon as spoken, but that after some time they thawed and became audible; so that the words spoken in winter were articulated next summer.” -Plutarch (C.E. 46 - C.E. 120): “Of Man’s Progress in Virtue”
 
“If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.” -Frank Lane
 
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” -Charles Dudley Warner (1829 - 1900): editorial in the “Hartford Courant” (24 August 1897) newspaper; a quotation often mistakenly attributed to Mark Twain
 
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing.” -Alfred Wainwright
 
“In my best social accent I addressed him. I said, ‘It is most extraordinary weather for this time of year!’ He replied, ’Ah, it isn’t this time of year at all.’” -Oliver Saint John Gogarty (1878 - 1957): “It Isn’t This Time of Year at All” (1954)
 
The Reason
 
Rabbits and squirrels
     Are furry and fat,
And all of the chickens
     Have feathers, and that
Is why when it’s raining
     They need not stay in
The way children do who have
     Only their skin.
 
-Dorothy Aldis
 
“What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817): in a letter (18 September 1796)
 
Jenny: Terrible weather, isn’t it?
Lenny: Better than no weather at all!
 
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.” -George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
 
An honest weather reporter might say, “Today’s forecast is bright and sunny with a fifty percent chance that I am wrong.”
 
Weather
 
Whether the weather is good,
     Or whether the weather is not;
Whether the weather is cold,
     Or whether the weather is hot;
We’ll weather the weather,
    Whatever the weather -
Whether we like it or not!
 
-Author Unknown
 
“We must learn to see danger only in the storm clouds where it exists, and live our lives more fully in the clear skies between.” -Author Unknown
 
Possibly the last completely accurate weather forecast was when God told Noah that there was a one-hundred percent chance of precipitation.
 
Nature’s Shows
 
Nature puts on little shows
Every time it rains or snows.
 
-Author Unknown
 
And now the seven-day forecast: Monday to be followed by Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, with Saturday and Sunday expected over the weekend.
 
Weather Lore
 
Evening red and morning gray
     Sets the traveler on his way;
Evening gray and morning red,
     Brings down rain upon his head.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“We often hear of bad weather, but in reality, no weather is bad. It is all delightful, though in different ways. Some weather may be bad for farmers or crops, but for man all kinds are good.” -John Lubbock (1834 - 1913): “The Use of Life” (1894), Chapter IV: ‘Recreation’

“The weather is not bad here; it only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.” -Author Unknown
 
Wet-Weather Talk
 
It hain’t no use to grumble and complane;
It’s jest as cheap and easy to rejoice, -
When God sorts out the weather and sends rain,
W’y, rain’s my choice.
 
-James Whitcomb Riley (1849 - 1916): “The Complete Works of James Whitcomb Riley” (1916), volume 4, page 948
 
“Don’t knock the weather; nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.” -Frank McKinney ‘Kin’ Hubbard (1868 - 1930): as attributed in “Changing Times” (May 1957) magazine
 
Good Weather
 
Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing,
Wind braces up, snow is exhilarating;
There is no such thing as bad weather,
Only different kinds of good weather.
 
-John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)
 
“In fair weather, prepare for foul.” -Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734): “Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs” (1732), number 2,818
 
Allen: Hey, look - the barometer’s falling!
Ellen: Huh. It probably wasn’t nailed up properly.

“Despite the forecast, live like it’s spring.” -Lily Pulitzer
 
“A man goes out to get the newspaper, comes back inside the house, and says to his wife, ‘It’s raining cats and dogs outside.’ His wife says, ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Yes,’ he says, ‘I just stepped in a poodle.’” -Jack Benny (1894 - 1974): “The Jack Benny Show” radio show

Are there natural ways to predict the weather? Falling air pressure causes pain in birds’ ears, so they drop down and fly at lower altitudes. Low flying birds indicate a thunderstorm is coming. Pinecones can be used to forecast the weather. The scales will close when rain is on the way. Listen to the crickets. The number of times a cricket chirps in 15 seconds, plus 37, gives the current air temperature in degrees Fahrenheit.
 
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne, who?
Wayne’s expected later today, so bwing an umbwella!
 
Adam: How do weather reporters greet each other?
Adeline: With little heat waves.
 
Weather Lore
 
If a rooster crows
When he goes to bed,
He’ll rise in the morning
With rain on his head.
 
-Author Unknown
 
Is global warming real? Here is the inconvenient truth: Global warming is occurring on Neptune’s moon Triton, as well as on Jupiter, Pluto, and Mars - and there are no humans on these worlds, so what makes some people believe that global warming or climate change on Earth is human-made? Nuttiness and fraudulent money-grabbing schemes makes them believe it, that is what. Global warming is caused principally by natural cyclic activity such as solar flares erupting from the Sun. We can no more control or affect climate than a bunch of ants scurrying around on the ground can change the direction of clouds floating across the sky. However, we should still be concerned about pollution and contaminants, both human-made and natural, in our air, water, soil, and consumer goods. And mosquitoes. Distracted drivers. Processed foods. Aging infrastructure. High taxes. Low-quality television programs. Power-mad super-rich politicians. Lenient judges. Noise pollution. General rudeness. Tooth decay.

“I don’t care what anybody says - we never had strange weather before people started using bows and arrows.” -Prehistoric Caveman
 
Rose: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Lilly: Pilgrims . . . June brides . . . allergies?
 
I Like It When It’s Mizzly
 
I like it when it’s mizzly
     and just a little drizzly
     so everything looks far away
     and make-believe and frizzly.
I like it when it’s foggy
     and sounding very froggy.
I even like it when it rains
     on streets and weepy windowpanes
     and catkins in the polar tree
     and me.
 
-Aileen Fisher (Aileen Lucia Fisher (1906 - 2002))
 
“A misty morning does not signify a cloudy day.” -Author Unknown
 
And now for your extended forecast: Fffooorrrcccaaasssttt!
 
“The weather forecast is as follows: Funny skies and a chance of smiley faces, with giggle storms anticipated for later in the week.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
Weather and Climates Facts
- Weather describes the state of the atmosphere at any particular time.
- Scientists who study weather are called meteorologists.
- Weather can be described in terms of temperature; precipitation such as snow, rain, and hail; wind speed and direction; visibility and road conditions; and cloud or fog cover, at any given time.
- Trying to predict weather is called weather forecasting.
- People who are especially interested in weather forecasts include farmers, travelers, commuters, aircraft pilots, ship captains, astronauts, home owners, and students hoping for ‘snow days’ on which schools will be closed.
- Climate is the prevailing weather conditions present in geographic regions over time, typically a year or longer.
- Scientists who study climates are called climatologists.
- Climates can be described in terms of annual rainfall and snowfall amounts; average daily temperature and wind speed; and record low and high temperatures.
- People who are especially interested in climates include architects, wildlife biologists, manufacturers of heaters and air conditioners, and vacationers.
 
Willard: Why can meteorologists not forecast today’s weather?
Wilfred: Because they are too busy studying asteroids and meteors.
 
Humidity: Expecting air - but finding water.
 
If you encounter a heat wave, should you wave back?
 
Roger: What does not get any wetter no matter how much it rains?
Robert: An ocean.
 
Weather and Climates Quiz
- What are scientists who study weather called?
- What are scientists who study climates called?
- What is precipitation?
 
Judy: “What is the weather like out there?”
Rudy: “I will be able to tell you just as soon as it clears up.”
 
Weather and Climates Quiz Answers
- Scientists who study weather are called meteorologists.
- Scientists who study climates are called climatologists.
- Precipitation is water that falls from the sky, such as rain, snow, and hail.
 
“On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.” -Dan Spencer
 
“The human race likes to give itself airs. One good volcano can produce more greenhouse gases in a year than the human race has in its entire history.” -Ray Bradbury (Ray Douglas Bradbury (1920 - 2012))
 
Mortimer: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Timothy: I just went outside - and there it was!
 
What is the weather like in Tokyo? What is the weather like in Seattle? What is the weather like in Paris? What is the weather like in Sidney? To find out, visit the Weather Channel Website at www.weather.com. What is the weather like on Mars? That is a good question, and surprisingly, they can tell you.
 
Wonderful Weather
 
I like to watch the way the wind
     can spin a weather vane.
I like to wear my big blue boots
     to splash with in the rain.
I like to ride my bright red sled
     on cold snowy days.
I like to feel the Sun’s warm rays
     when I wade in the ocean waves.
Wind, rain, snow, and Sun
     Every kind of weather
is wonderful and fun!
 
-Author Unknown
 
“After a storm comes a calm.” -Matthew Henry
 
Jerry: What is the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Reggie: It is never partly sunny at night.
 
“On staring out at a gloomy day: First you must realize that it is the day that is gloomy, not you. If you want to be gloomy, too, that’s all right, but it’s not mandatory.” -Nora Gallagher
 
“Storms make the oak grow deeper roots.” -George Herbert (1593 - 1633)
 
Ruth: What is the difference between climate and weather?
Arthur: Climate is what you expect, and weather is what you get.
 
Funny weather we are having . . . go ahead and joke about it . . . seriously. More ‘MFOL!’ follows below . . . unless you would rather go outside to see what the weather is like . . . which is fine with us . . .
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Mistakes and Errors

6/8/2017

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Picture
​“No one is perfect - that’s why pencils have erasers.” -Wolfgang Riebe
 
“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You are doing things you have never done before, and more importantly, you are doing something. So that is my wish for you, and all of us. And my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody has ever made before. Do not freeze, do not stop, do not worry that it is not good enough, or it is not perfect, whatever it is. Art, or love, or work or family, or life. Whatever it is you are scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes. Next year and forever and ever.” -Neil Gaiman (Neil Richard MacKinnon Gaiman (born in 1960))
 
“The wisest of the wise may err.” -Aeschylus (525 B.C.E. - 456 B.C.E.)
 
A Mistake
 
A mistake that I made said, “My Dear,
I’m dreadfully sorry I’m here,
     But my feet are so big,
     And my nails cut and dig,
So I’ll be here for a while, I fear.”
 
-Author Unknown
 
“Mistakes are proof that you are trying.” -Author Unknown
 
“People seldom make the same mistake twice - usually it is ten or more times that they do so!” -Author Unknown
 
“What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!” -Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937)
 
“We all make mistakes, but everyone makes different mistakes.” -Ludwig van Beethoven (1770 - 1827)
 
“I’ve failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan (born in 1963)
 
“My friend Danny Breslin from Florida tells the story of two men who were sitting on a bench in London’s Hyde Park. They wanted to go shopping in Oxford Street. One of them got up and started walking in the wrong direction, but he asked the way and a passerby put him right. He finally arrived at the shops but the other man just stayed on the bench. That guy who was walking in the wrong direction was on his way. Even his mistakes were part of getting there. The guy on the bench got nowhere. So if it feels right, give it a whirl, says Danny.” -Celia Haddon
 
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I don’t regret any of them. Sometimes that’s the only way you learn.” -Nick Nolte
 
“Remember your past mistakes just long enough to profit by them.” -Dan McKinnon
 
“Today is a new day. You will get out of it just what you put into it. If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. And supposing you have tried and failed again and again, you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” -Mary Pickford (1893 - 1979)
 
“Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.” -Author Unknown
 
“If you aren’t making any mistakes, it’s a sure sign you’re playing it too safe.” -John C. Maxwell
 
“In school we learn that mistakes are bad, and we are punished for making them. Yet if you look at the way humans are designed to learn, we learn by making mistakes. We learn to walk by falling down. If we never fell down, we would never walk.” -Robert T. Kiyosaki
 
“We learn to walk by stumbling.” -Author Unknown: Bulgarian proverb
 
“My life is full of mistakes. They’re like pebbles that make a good road.” -Beatrice Wood
 
“When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” -Hugh L. White
 
“A mistake is a lesson on its way to being learned.” -Robert Orben (born in 1927)
 
“Mistakes are just steps in the learning process.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
We are human.
We are not perfect.
We are alive.
We try things.
We make mistakes.
We stumble. We fall.
We get hurt. We rise again.
We try again.
We keep learning.
We keep growing.
And we are thankful
for this priceless
opportunity called life.
-Author Unknown
 
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard (Elbert Green Hubbard (1856 - 1915)): “The Note Book” (1927)
 
“Success covers a multitude of blunders.” -George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
 
You may have noticed that we have a large number of mistakes and errors here on the ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ Website. We have made them deliberately, for the benefit of the people who enjoy pointing out mistakes - we want everyone to be happy!
 
“The person, who is incapable of making a mistake, is incapable of anything.” -Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
 
“You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.” -Maxwell Maltz (1899 - 1975)
 
“Stay away from people who constantly point out your present mistakes, who will not let you forget your past mistakes, who ridicule you, who pick away at everything about you, and who gleefully tell everyone that you are always wrong and never right. You may have noticed that some people seldom seem to have anything good to say about anyone, especially about you. For your own sake, it is best that you remove them entirely from your life, so that you can go ahead and make the necessary mistakes, learn sometimes, and eventually succeed in life, all in peace.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“If you’re not making mistakes then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.” -John Wooden (John R. Wooden (1910 - 2010))
 
“Don’t carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.” -Author Unknown
 
“Only some of us learn by other people’s mistakes; the rest of us have to be the other people.” -Author Unknown
 
“Whenever you make a mistake or get knocked down by life, don’t look back at it too long. Mistakes are life’s way of teaching you.” -Og Mandino (Augustine ‘Og’ Mandino II (1923 - 1996))
 
“One mistake does not have to rule a person’s entire life.” -Joyce Meyer: “Any Minute”
 
Charles: How can one person makes so many mistakes in a single day?
Chuck: I get up early.
 
“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” -James Joyce (1882 - 1941)
 
“Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.” -Georgette Mosbacher (born in 1947)
 
“We’ve all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it’s more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors.” -Norman Vincent Peale (1898 - 1993)
 
“Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.” -Phyllis Theroux (Phyllis Grissim-Theroux)
 
“Making mistakes does not mean you’re a failure. It just means you’re trying and learning in life.” -Author Unknown
 
“You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one.” -Author Unknown
 
“Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.” -Sophia Loren (born in 1934)
 
“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.” -Dale Carnegie (1888 - 1955)
 
“Show us a man who never makes a mistake and we will show a man who never makes anything. The capacity for occasional blundering is inseparable from the capacity to bring things to pass.” -Herman Lincoln Wayland (1830 - 1898)
 
“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.” -Author Unknown: Turkish proverb
 
“Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.” -Nikki Giovanni (Yolande Cornelia ‘Nikki’ Giovanni, Junior (born in 1943))
 
“I would rather surround myself with people who make a lot of mistakes and have no problem admitting them, than to surround myself with people who think they make none.” -Author Unknown
 
“The main thing we learn from our mistakes . . . is that we make a lot of them.” -Author Unknown
 
“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.” -Henry C. Link
 
“There is hardly a mistake which in the course of our lives we have committed, but some proverb, had we known and attended to its lesson, might have saved us from it.” -Richard Chenevix Trench (1807 - 1886): “Proverbs and Their Lessons” (1905)

“No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Despite our failings, we still deserve respect. Don’t let anyone put you down.” -Author Unknown

Karen: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Sharon: Boo-oo-oo-boos!
 
“Some people never make a mistake, nor do they ever make anything else.” -Author Unknown
 
“Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.” -Bob Ross
 
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” -John Powell (1882 - 1963)
 
Overheard: I am human and I make mistakes.
 
“The secret of success is not avoiding mistakes, but learning from them.” -Michael Josephson (born in 1942)
 
“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” -Paulo Coelho (born in 1947)
 
“To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.” -Peter McWilliams
 
“No man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes.” -William Gladstone (William Ewart Gladstone (1809 - 1898))
 
“It is normal to make mistakes. If people cannot accept that, they do not deserve to be around you.” -Author Unknown
 
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.” -Will Durant (1885 - 1981)
 
“The faster you make mistakes, the faster you learn and the faster you approach what is called success.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
Have you ever noticed that no one notices you until you make a mistake?
 
“The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.” -Josh Billings (1818 - 1885): “Everybody’s Friend: Or Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia and Proverbial Philosophy of Wit and Humor” (1874)
 
“When you are not afraid to do it wrong the first time, you will eventually get it right.” -Author Unknown
 
“Never make the same mistake twice or you’ll never get around to all of them.” -Author Unknown
 
“Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster.” -Weston H. Agor (born in 1939)
 
Should life include more do-overs and second chances, for good people?
 
“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes that I am thinking about making a few more.” -Author Unknown
 
Overheard: We all make mistakes. Don’t let that be a reason to give up.
 
“He who makes no mistakes makes no progress.” -Teddy Roosevelt (Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt (1858 - 1919))
 
“A mistake is simply another way of doing things.” -Katharine Graham
 
“You can learn from your mistakes, so be sure to make some.” -Bil Keane (William Aloysius ‘Bil’ Keane (1922 - 2011))
 
“Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” -Author Unknown
 
“It took me a long time to learn that mistakes aren’t good or bad, they’re just mistakes, and you clean them up and go on.” -Kaye Gibbons
 
“Whenever you fall, pick up something.” -Oswald Avery (Oswald Theodore Avery, Junior (1877 - 1955))
 
“By ignorance we make mistakes, and by making mistakes we learn.” -Edmund Fuller

“We don’t make mistakes. We just have learnings.” -Anne Wilson Schaef (born in 1934)
 
“All great discoveries are made by mistake.” -Author Unknown
 
“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott (born in 1939)
 
“Without mistakes, there would be no accidental discoveries, and without accidental discoveries, there would be far fewer better methods found, far fewer inventions made, and much less beneficial progress. The great untold secret of everything in which humans engage is that much of it would never result in useful outcomes were it not for the vast number of mistakes within it, mistakes that go by the name ‘accidental discoveries.’” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“If you’re making mistakes it means you’re out there doing something.” -Neil Gaiman (Neil Richard MacKinnon Gaiman (born in 1960))
 
Well, that about wraps things up for now . . . we are eager to get back to making a whole lot more mistakes . . . because that is how we are certain to learn . . . and to succeed . . . let’s all go out and make some mistakes . . . ‘MFOL!’
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Erma Bombeck

6/6/2017

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“If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“My children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies and the sand out of our belongings.” -Erma Bombeck, commenting on vacations
 
“Children make your life important.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“For years it has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.” -Erma Bombeck, about her wedding ring
 
“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, ‘What light?’ and two more to say, ‘I didn’t turn it on.’” -Erma Bombeck
 
“I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.” -Erma Bombeck: attributed in Bill Adler: “Funny Ladies: The Best Humor from America’s Funniest Women” (23 February 2001)
 
“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal, and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in ‘Gift certificate for a flu shot.’” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’” -Erma Bombeck: attributed in Anne Wilson Schaef: “Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much” (1991)
 
“The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, ‘Could I get you your check?’ and we answered, ‘How about the menu first?’” -Erma Bombeck
 
“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.” -Erma Bombeck: “Family - The Ties that Bind . . . and Gag!” (31 October 1988)
 
“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“When my kids are wild and unruly, I use a playpen. When they are finished, I climb out.” -Erma Bombeck: as quoted in Robert Kelly “In Celebration of Children” (1992), page 109
 
“Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It’s the only thing ‘real’ men do that doesn’t seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it’s on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” -Erma Bombeck: as quoted in “Time” (2 July 1984)
 
“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn’t teasing the dog, and who had to wear girl’s boots the last time it snowed.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Most children’s first words are ‘Mama’ or ‘Daddy.’ Mine were, ‘Do I have to use my own money?’” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets carsick and who isn’t kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what’s going to happen if he doesn’t get in right away. It’s tough. If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” -Erma Bombeck
________________________________________________________
 
I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you’re both breathless . . . they crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . they hit the rooftop . . . you pluck them out of the spout . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they’ll fly.

Finally, they are airborne, but they need more string and you keep letting it out and with each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy because the kite becomes more distant and somehow you know that it won’t be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together and soar as it was meant to soar . . . free and alone.

Only then do you know that you did your job.
 
-Erma Bombeck: “At Wit’s End” (15 May 1977)
________________________________________________________
 
“Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. ‘Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?’ ‘Don’t you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?’ ‘Wasn’t there any change?’” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Mother’s words of wisdom: ‘Answer me! Don’t talk with food in your mouth!’” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Friends are annuals that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a perennial that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.” -Erma Bombeck
________________________________________________________
 
Great Accomplishments Depend on More Than Genetic Genius
 
- I was thinking about this the other morning when I turned on the light in my bathroom. Had a deaf man not invented it, I would be in darkness.
- I turned on the radio for my morning news fix and realized if a deformed hunchback had not had a major part in its development, I would be left in silence.
- I literally grew up under a president whose political record has never been matched, yet who could not walk or, indeed, move his legs.
- A high school dropout had invented the automobile I drove.
- Two brothers from Dayton, Ohio, who dropped out of high school, had developed the planes I traveled in.
- I thought of Leo Tolstoy, Thomas Hardy, and Joseph Conrad, who never had won a Nobel Prize for literature.
- I thought of Martin Luther, who had an I.Q. of 115, and Abraham Lincoln, who also was below ‘genius’ level.
 
-Erma Bombeck
________________________________________________________
 
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” -Erma Bombeck: “No One Diets on Thanksgiving”
 
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they’re not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They’re upset because they’ve gone from supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator. It’s like being the Vice President of the United States.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” -Erma Bombeck
 
Erma Bombeck found the fun in everyday living . . . and made a livelihood out of it . . . how about you?
 
“I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don’t want to talk about it.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” -Erma Bombeck
 
“When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” -Erma Bombeck
 
Erma Louise Bombeck was born as Erma Louise Fiste on 21 February 1927 in Bellbrook, Ohio, United States of America. She was the beloved American humorist whose newspaper column, “At Wit’s End” grew to such popularity that it became nationally syndicated in 1965, and eventually became a regular feature in 800 different newspapers. From 1965 to 1996, she wrote more than 4,000 newspaper columns. Erma Louise Bombeck passed on at 69 years of age on 22 April 1996 in San Francisco, California, United States of America. Her 15 published books are available from your favorite booksellers.
 
“There’s a territorial ritual to an aerobics class. I entered a class for the first time a few years ago and ended up where no one wanted to be . . . in the front row next to the mirror. It was three years before I could work my way to the back row.” -Erma Bombeck
 
Thank you for joining us today on Make Fun Of Life! We are here to bring a little happiness to the world . . . and if you have broken your funny bone on the bumpy road of life, be sure to go to the top of this page where you will find a menu bar that includes ‘Inspiration & Motivation’ - give it a click and see if there is something you might like.
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Friendships and Friends

6/5/2017

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“Well, I don’t suppose anyone ever is completely self-winding. That’s what friends are for.” -Russell Hoban (Russell Conwell Hoban (1925 - 2011)): “The Mouse and His Child” (1967)
 
“Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another.” -Eustace Budgell (1711)
 
“Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life.” -Author Unknown
 
Friendship
 
From quiet homes and first beginning,
Out to the undiscovered ends,
There’s nothing worth the wear of winning,
But laughter and the love of friends.

-Hilaire Belloc: “Verses” (1910), ‘Dedicatory Ode,’ stanza 22
 
“Discover someone to help shoulder your misfortunes. Then you will never be alone . . . neither fate, nor the crowd, so readily attacks two.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658)
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Les.
Les, who?
Les be friends!
 
“Friends who take the time to care, are really angels unaware.” -Author Unknown
 
“You are the kind of friend who would overlook my broken fence to admire my flowers.” -Author Unknown
 
“Be friendly and you will never want for friends.” -Author Unknown
 
“Many a friendship - long, loyal, and self-sacrificing - rested at first upon no thicker a foundation than a kind word.” -Frederick W. Faber
 
“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” -Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Ecclesiastes,’ chapter 4, verses 9 and 10
 
“You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” -Author Unknown: Colonial American proverb
 
“A friend in need is a friend indeed.” -Quintus Ennius (239 B.C.E. - 169 B.C.E.)
 
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” -Walter Winchell (1897 - 1972)
 
“I had only one friend, my dog. My wife was mad at me, and I told her a man ought to have at least two friends. She agreed - and bought me another dog.” -Pepper Rodgers
 
“Develop the art of friendliness. One can experience a variety of emotions staying home and reading or watching television; one will be alive but hardly living. Most of the meaningful aspects of life are closely associated with people. Even the dictionary definition of life involves people.” -William L. Abbott
 
Suppose someone came to you and said, “I do not go out because I have no friends, and I have no friends because I do not go out.” What would you say to the person?
 
“. . . I never yet met a man that I didn’t like.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935)), as quoted in the “Saturday Evening Post” (6 November 1926)
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​“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” -Bernard Meltzer
 
“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joy, and dividing our grief.” -Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)
 
“If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1929 - 2012))
 
“A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the nicest things you can be.” -Douglas Pagels
 
Friendship Day was promoted by the Hallmark Greeting Card Company beginning in 1919. It was made official by the Congress of the United States of America in 1935, to be observed on the first Sunday in August of each year, as National Friendship Day. In 2011, the United Nations declared an International Friendship Day, to be celebrated on 30 July of each year. The date on which the holiday is observed varies around the world, but in many places, the first Sunday in August is still the chosen day. Among the ways of celebrating are making and handing out friendship wristbands or bracelets, sending greeting cards or email messages, or having a gathering of friends. Happy Friendship Day to you and all your friends from ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
 
“Do not let your desire to win an argument ruin a friendship.” -Author Unknown
 
“The essence of true friendship is to make allowances for another’s little lapses.” -David Storey
 
“Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.” -E. W. Howe
 
“It takes a long time to grow an old friend.” -Author Unknown
 
“Two people cannot remain friends for long if they cannot forgive each other’s little failings.” -Jean de La Bruyère (1645 - 1696)

“He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))

“A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.” -Jerome Cummings
 
“If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.” -Author Unknown

“Friends are people who know you well, but like you anyway.” -Author Unknown
 
“Go often to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the unused path.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
 
In Passing
 
Friends come, friends go; the loves
     men know are ever fleeting;
In song and smile a little while
     we read their kindly greeting;
With warmth and cheer they linger near,
     the friends we fondly treasure;
Then on a day they drift away,
     a loss no words can measure.
This much we know: friends come, friends go,
     as April’s gladness passes.
As sun and shade, in swift parade,
     paint changes on meadow grasses.
And though we grieve to see them leave,
     in thought we still enfold them;
In Memory’s Net we keep them yet,
     and thus can ever hold them.
They come, they go - these Loves we know.
     Life’s Tides are ever moving;
But year on year, they still seem near -
     so great the power of loving.
 
-Aline Michaelis (Aline Triplette Michaelis (1883 - 1958)): “The Rhyming Optimist” newspaper column
 
Friendship: A ship full of friends.
 
“There is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.” -Author Unknown
 
By mutual confidence and mutual aid
Great deeds are done, and great discoveries made.
-Homer
 
“Good friends are good for your health.” -Irwin Sarason
 
“Next to acquiring good friends, the best acquisition is that of good books.” -C. C. Colton (Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832))
 
“True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.” -Dace Tyson Gentry
 
What are the qualities that make a good friend?
 
“Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.” -Author Unknown
 
Overheard: If friends were flowers, I would pick you.
 
“Old friends are best - they know everything about you - but they cannot remember it.” -Author Unknown
 
“Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.” -Author Unknown
 
“It is wise to apply the oil of refined politeness to the mechanism of friendship.” -Sidonie Gabrielle Claudine Colette
 
“If a man does not make new acquaintance as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.” -Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784): 1755 remark to Joshua Reynolds, as quoted in James Boswell: “The Life of Samuel Johnson” (1791)
 
“The best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer than your head.” -George Santayana (1863 - 1952)
 
“Hopes are planted in friendship’s garden, where dreams blossom into priceless treasures.” -Author Unknown
 
“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” -Woodrow Wilson (Thomas Woodrow ‘Woodrow’ Wilson (1856 - 1924))
 
“For the friendship of two, the patience of one is required.” -Author Unknown: proverb
 
“Of all the means to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.” -Epicurus (341 B.C.E. - 270 B.C.E.)
 
“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.” -Pam Brown
 
Overheard: A few years ago, a friend was in trouble and I helped him out. “I will never forget you,” he vowed. And he didn’t. He’s in trouble again and just called me.
 
There are friends who pretend to be friends
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother
-Author Unknown: “The Bible,” ‘Proverbs,’ chapter 18, verse 24
 
“Friendship is a sheltering tree.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834)
 
“A friend is a second self.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.): “Nicomachean Ethics”

“Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends.” -Cindy Lew
 
“Friendships never stay the same; they are like the weather - constantly changing, unpredictable and varying in temperature.” -Author Unknown
 
“Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” -Dinah Craik (Dinah Maria Mulock Craik): “A Life for a Life” (1859), chapter 16
 
Riddle: How is it possible for you to sit behind your friend and for your friend to sit behind you at the same time?
Solution: Sit back-to-back.
 
“Every good friend once was a stranger.” -Author Unknown
 
“Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.” -Author Unknown: Czech proverb
 
“Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like, ‘Yep, I like this one,’ and you just do stuff with them.” -Bill Murray (William James ‘Bill’ Murray (born in 1950))
 
Among life’s precious jewels,
Genuine and rare,
The one that we call friendship
Has worth beyond compare.
-Author Unknown
 
“Friendship is to be purchased only by friendship.” -Thomas Wilson
 
“Real friends are those who, when you feel you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.” -Erwin T. Randall
 
“Friendship is a word, the very sight of which in print makes the heart warm.” -Augustine Birrell
 
“Mutual confidence is the pillar of friendship.” -Author Unknown
 
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” -Elisabeth Foley
 
“A true friend is the greatest of all blessings and the one which we take the least thought to acquire.” -François de La Rochefoucauld (also known as François Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680))
 
I have a friend
     Whose name is __________________ .
And we have fun together.
     We laugh and play
And sing all day
     In any kind of weather.
-Author Unknown
 
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . a website that is made out of singing dinosaurs, smiling dandelions, talking ducks, prancing donkeys, mouse dreams . . . and you.
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Aardvarks

6/2/2017

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Aardvarks aare aanimals with aan aabsolutely aamazing aappearance. They seem to possess the body of a pig, the ears of a rabbit, the eyes of a rhinoceros, the tongue of an anteater, and the tail of a kangaroo - yet aardvarks are not closely related to any of these animals. Aardvarks are the only living species of animals remaining from an ancient order of ungulates called the tubulidentata. What does this mean? Let’s find out . . .
 
Edgar: What did the aardvark call his dog?
Edith: Aardbark.
 
Aardvarks Facts
- An adult male aardvark is called a boar.
- An adult female aardvark is called a sow.
- A young aardvark is called a cub.
- A group of aardvarks is called a pack.
- Aardvarks can live for about 18 years in the wild.
- Aardvarks can live for about 23 years in captivity.
 
The word ‘aardvark’ comes from an old Afrikaans-Dutch language dialect of South Africa, in which ‘aarde’ means ‘earth’ or ‘ground’ and ‘varken’ means ‘pig.’ They were once thought of as being the ‘earth pig’ or ‘ground pig,’ and indeed, they do somewhat resemble pigs in appearance, and they also forage for their food by rooting around in the earth or ground with their snouts as pigs do; however, aardvarks are not pigs, but a completely different species of animal. Aardvarks are sometimes colloquially called African ant bears, anteaters, or Cape anteaters (after the Cape of Good Hope).
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark, who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles!
 
Aardvarks can be found in Sub-Saharan Africa, a vast region that stretches from the edge of the Sahara Desert south to the Cape of Good Hope at the lower point of the African continent. Aardvarks are sometimes found in rainforests, but not in deserts. Their preferred habitat includes savannas, grasslands, rainforests, woodlands (forests), and bushland (scrub). The deciding factor for where aardvarks live is the availability of food.

Teacher: Please spell aardvark.
Student: R-d-v-r-k.
Teacher: What happened to the A’s?
Student: The A’s moved to Kansas City from Philadelphia and finished second in the American League West.
 
Aardvarks have sleek pale-yellowish-gray to dark-brown hairy coats, stout bodies, arched backs, long ears, long snouts, four short legs, webbing between their second and third toes, strong sharp hoof-like claws, long tails, bristles around their mouths, and long sticky tongues. Aardvarks have four toes on their front paws and five toes on their back paws.
 
Aaron: What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?
Ian: A yaardvark.
 
Fully-grown adult aardvarks can be as much as 66 centimeters (26 inches, or 2 feet and 2 inches) tall at the shoulder, when standing on all fours. From their snouts to the ends of their tails, aardvarks are often about 1 to 1.5 meters (about 3 to 5 feet) in length. Aardvark’s tails are about 61 centimeters (2 feet) long. Fully-grown aardvarks can weigh about 38 to 82 kilograms (about 85 to 180 pounds).
 
Oscar: How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant?
Scarlet: Six - three on the back, and three in the trunk!
 
Aardvarks have bristles around their mouths. The bristles act as feelers, just as the whiskers of cats and mice do, to help aardvarks find their way around in the dark and aid them in their search for food.
 
Aardvark: Aan aanimal thaat resembles aan aanteater.
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​Aardvarks are well known for their prodigious digging activities. The aardvark’s massive and powerful feet can burrow straight down into the ground with amazing efficiency. They are such swift diggers that, if they catch a whiff of lion or leopard in the air, they can dig a hole in a few seconds, and dive out of sight of the potential predator before their whereabouts is known. Aardvarks use their forelegs (front legs) for digging and are in the category of ‘scratch diggers,’ which also includes armadillos, badgers, and pangolins.
 
Aardvarks can use their large front claws to dig holes at a rate of 60 centimeters (2 feet) every 15 seconds.
 
Aardvark
 
The aardvark is really a curious creature
     If you’re an ant, then he’s likely to eat ya.
Although his long nose makes him look rather hideous
     He’s still listed first in the encyclopedias.
 
-Weird Al Yankovic
 
Aardvarks have shovel-shaped claws that are nearly 5 centimeters (2 inches) thick and as strong as forged steel. Using these specialized built-in ‘tools,’ they can dig into termite mounds that are as hard as concrete and into anthills that have tough outer crusts.
 
Aardvarks’ nostrils are lined with coarse hairs and equipped with flaps of skin that close during vigorous digging, to prevent dirt, dust, and insects from entering their lungs. However, aardvarks also inhale insects through their nostrils and then swallow them - they just need to be careful that the bugs go down their esophaguses (throats) to their stomachs, and not down their tracheas (windpipes) to their lungs.
 
Ozzie: How is an aardvark like a kangaroo?
Harriet: Neither one can play the trumpet.
 
Aardvark ears are very effective hearing mechanisms, and are about 20 to 25 centimeters (7.9 to 9.8 inches) long.
 
Aardvarks have poor eyesight, but they have a good sense of smell and a good sense of hearing, which they use to locate food and predators.
 
Aardvarks have ten cheek teeth, but no incisors or canines. Rather than having teeth with roots, a pulp-filled interior, and a hard enamel exterior, like many other animals and humans have, aardvarks have teeth consisting of thin upright tubes made of dentine, a type of calcified tissue, and the tubes are held together by cementum, another type of calcified tissue. Aardvark teeth wear down with use, but continuously regrow.
 
Aardvarks do not have to chew their food. They swallow their food whole, and their stomachs have a muscular pyloric area, which works like the gizzards in birds, to grind up the food.
 
Aardvarks are rather quiet animals. However, they may make soft grunting sounds as they forage and loud grunts when they dash for their tunnel entrances. They can make bleating and squealing sounds when startled or frightened.
 
Adult aardvarks are shy, solitary animals, meaning that they tend to live alone in their burrows and forage for food by themselves. Gatherings of their kind are not common, although human activity and natural disasters such as floods can push them together into groups called ‘packs’ as they flee from danger.
 
Eugene: What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and is very loud?
Eunice: A herd of stampeding aardvarks!
 
Aardvarks live in underground homes called burrows, which they make by digging into the ground with their claws. Aardvark’s burrows can be up to 13 meters (about 42 feet) long and have several entrances and chambers, or rooms. In their burrows, aardvarks and any offspring (baby aardvarks, or cubs) can sleep and rest, partially protected from predators and the harsh, dry heat of the daytime. When foraging for food far from home, aardvarks routinely dig temporary burrows to live in for a few days. Aardvarks move on from time to time to make new burrows, and their old burrows then become homes for animals such as wild dogs, shelducks, warthogs, hares, mongooses, hyenas, owls, porcupines, pythons, and lizards.
 
Willard: What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant?
Scott: “If you can’t beat them, eat them!”
 
Aardvarks are nocturnal animals, meaning they are most active at night. They spend daylight hours curled up in a ball as they sleep in their cool, dark underground burrows, avoiding the dry heat of the day.
 
Sometime between late afternoon and shortly after sunset, aardvarks position themselves just inside the entrances of their burrows and wait there for several minutes, sniffing and listening for predators. After a period of watchfulness, they quickly emerge, and within seconds, they are 10 meters (33 feet) away from their burrow entrances. They pause with their ears alert, turn their heads in all directions to listen for danger, and then with a sudden move, they are off to start foraging.
 
Velma: Why don’t aardvarks ever get sick?
Vera: Because they are full of ant-i-bodies!
 
Female aardvarks, or sows, usually have just one cub, or baby aardvark, at a time. The cub stays in the burrow until it is two weeks of age, and then begins venturing out at night with its mother to forage for food. When aardvarks reach six months of age, they are ready to leave their mothers and live on their own, digging their own burrows and foraging for food on their own; however, they may stay with their mothers slightly beyond six months of age. Aardvarks become fully-grown adults at about one year of age.
 
“An admittedly ambulatorily adept aardvark is also an astonishingly agile ant eater.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
Picture
​I am not a pig, I am an aardvark! You can tell us apart because I have discriminating tastes, while a pig does not discriminate and will eat absolutely anything.
 
In addition to a home burrow, an aardvark has a home range, similar to a territory. This is the area in which it commonly forages. Within their home ranges, aardvarks dig many holes as they forage for food. These holes can also serve as places to go into when a predator is sensed or when an aardvark is far from its home burrow and needs a place to retreat to before dawn.
 
In the part of the world where aardvarks live, each year has two seasons. Aardvarks feed mainly on termites during the dry season and soft-bodied ants in the rainy season.
 
Usually classified as being primarily insectivores, or insect-eating animals, aardvarks can become omnivores, or animals that eat both plants and animals, when necessary. Ants and termites are a mainstay of their diet, but they do eat the fruit of a plant called the aardvark cucumber. Aardvarks have a special relationship with the plant, which relies on them to dig up its underground-growing fruit and spread its seeds around so that new plants can grow. Aardvarks also eat other fruits, roots, grasses, and small animals when ants and termites are not available.
 
Aardvarks often cover between 2 and 5 kilometers (1.2 and 3.1 miles) per night to feed. While foraging for food, aardvarks keep their long snouts near the ground to detect the smell of food and their long ears pointed upright and forward to listen for food and for any predators. They zig-zag as they forage, and will usually not repeat the same route for about a week, allowing time for termite mounds and anthills to refill with insects before feeding on them again. When they detect ants or termites, aardvarks use their large claws to dig into anthills and termite mounds and then use their up to 30-centimeter (11.8-inch) long, thin extensile tongues and very sticky saliva to catch and eat as many as 60,000 insects in a night.
 
Jason: How do ants hide from aardvarks?
Jacob: They disguise themselves as uncles!
 
The stinging and biting of ants and termites is ineffective against aardvarks, because it does not penetrate their tough, thick hides, or skins. To ants and termites, aardvarks are fearsome beasts.
 
The predators of aardvarks include lions, leopards, wild dogs, hyenas, pythons, and humans, all of whom hunt aardvarks for meat. Aardvarks have long tubular ears and are able to detect the slightest noise that might indicate approaching danger. If they are in fear of being attacked in the open, aardvarks will very quickly dig small burrows in which to hide, or they may try to run away in a zigzag fashion, but if all else fails, they can turn to strike with their claws, tail, and shoulders. They are known to flip onto their backs to lash out with all fours. Their thick skin protects them from predators to some extent, and they are capable of causing substantial damage to unprotected areas of an attacker with their sharp claws. If threatened in a tunnel, an aardvark will seal off the tunnel behind itself or turn around and attack.
 
Milton: Why are there no aardvarks in Hawaii?
Millicent: Because aardvarks cannot afford the plane fare.
 
Aardvarks are good swimmers, even in strong currents, because of their webbed feet.
 
Unique among animals, aardvarks occupy their own order, family, and species, making them all alone on their own branch of animal classification. The aardvark is the last surviving member of a primitive order of ungulates (hooved animals) called tubulidentatas. Their species may have been able to survive from long ago to the present time by evolving away from hooves and developing the incredibly powerful claws they use for digging burrows and tunneling into termite mounds. Despite their many obvious differences, the African elephant is considered to be among the aardvarks’ closest living relatives.
 
Stacy: Why did the aardvark cross the road?
Tracy: It was the chicken’s day off.
 
Aardvarks are scientifically categorized as follows:
- Kingdom: Animalia (animals).
- Phylum: Chordata (animals possessing a notochord, a hollow dorsal nerve cord, pharyngeal slits, an endostyle, and a tail for at least some period of their life cycle).
- Subphylum: Vertebrata (animals with backbones).
- Class: Mammalia (warm-blooded animals with fur and mammary glands).
- Order: Tubulidentata (a Latin word meaning ‘tube toothed’; the aardvark is the only member of this order).
- Family: Orycteropodidae (the aardvark is the only member of this family).
- Genus: Orycteropus (meaning ‘burrowing foot’).
- Species: afer (referring to Africa).
- Scientific name: Orycteropus afer.
 
Aan aardvark is aan unusuaal aanimaal.
 
Aardvark is the first word in many English dictionaries, and in any alphabetically arranged list of animals, aardvarks come first - even before aardwolves.
 
Aardvarks Quiz
- On what continent do aardvarks live naturally?
- How old are aardvarks when they leave their mothers?
- Are aardvarks social animals or solitary animals?
 
Aardvarks handle captivity well. The London Zoo was the first zoo in the world to have an aardvark, which came from South Africa, in 1869. Does your local zoo or wild animal park have an aardvark?
 
Although aardvarks appear to remain widespread and some people believe they are not an endangered species, humans are still a threat to their survival. Farmers and landowners kill aardvarks because they do not like the holes that aardvarks make, and pesticides used on croplands has reduced the populations of insects that aardvarks rely on for food.
 
Anthony: What does an aardvark like on its pizza?
Emily: Ant-chovies.
 
Much remains to be learned about aardvarks. The scientists who study aardvarks are called ‘wildlife biologists.’ Their job consists of saying, “So, you’re an aardvark, and you sleep all day and stay out all night eating bugs . . . what’s that like?” If you would like to help the world understand aardvarks or aany other aamazing aanimals, make aan aappointment with a school counselor, and get started on your career in wildlife biology - and do not forget to ‘MFOL!’
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Love

6/1/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
Aren’t you two just the cutest little lovebirds?
 
Melissa: Do you love me with all your heart?
Fred: Uh-huh.
Melissa: Do you think I am the most beautiful woman in the world?
Fred: Uh-huh.
Melissa: Am I the only one for you?
Fred: Uh-huh.
Melissa: Oh, you say the most wonderful things!
 
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” -Doctor Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 - 1991))
 
“What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.” -Pearl Bailey
 
“Where there is great love, there are always miracles.” -Willa Cather (Willa Sibert Cather (1873 - 1943))
 
“Love is metaphysical gravity.” -R. Buckminster Fuller (1895 - 1983)
 
If I was a flower growing wild and free,
All I’d want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
-Barry Louis Polisar: “All I Want Is You”
-Rainbow Morning Music, publisher
 
“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” -Roy Croft (1907 - 1973)
 
“Love is a verb.” -Clare Boothe Luce (1903 - 1987)
 
“What we love, we shall grow to resemble.” -Bernard of Clairvaux (C.E. 1090 - C.E. 1174)
 
“The heart that loves is always young.” -Author Unknown
 
“Love at first sight is a great time saver.” -Author Unknown
 
“In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.” -Mignon McLaughlin (1913 - 1983)
 
“Love is the reward of love.” -Johann Friedrich von Schiller (Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller (1759 - 1805))
 
“Love is space and time measured by the heart.” -Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)
 
“Sometimes I wish I was a little child again - because bruised knees heal faster than broken hearts.” -Author Unknown
 
“Love is never without some thorns.” -Author Unknown
 
Perfect Love
 
They walked in the lane together,
     The sky was covered with stars;
They reached the gate in silence,
     He lifted down the bars.
She neither smiled nor thanked him,
     Because she knew not how;
For he was a farmer’s son,
     And she, a Jersey cow.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“To be loved, be lovable.” -Author Unknown
Picture
“I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow.” -Edmond Rostand (1868 - 1918)
 
“Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.” -Jerome K. Jerome (Jerome Klapka Jerome (1859 - 1927)): “Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow” (1886)
 
“Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that the person will love you back. Do not expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it does not, be content it grew in yours.” -Author Unknown
 
Book of Love
 
If I could read you like a book,
     And if I chanced to steal a look,
I wonder if I’d find that you
     Were just as faithful, and as true
In chapter four, page sixty-seven
     As you were on page eleven?
 
-Author Unknown
 
“To love and be loved, is to feel the Sun from both sides.” -David Viscott
 
“You don’t have to be perfect to be worth loving.” -Harold S. Kushner (Harold Samuel Kushner (born in 1935))
 
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” -Robert A. Heinlein (Robert Anson Heinlein (1907 - 1988))
 
“It’s love that makes the world go ’round.” -W. S. Gilbert (William Schwenck Gilbert (1836 - 1911))
 
“Love conquers all . . .” -Vergil (Publius Vergilius Maro, also known as Virgil (70 B.C.E. - 19 B.C.E.))
 
The Opposite of Two
 
What is the opposite of two?
     A lonely me, a lonely you.
 
-Richard Wilbur (Richard Purdy Wilbur (born in 1921)): “Opposites” (1973)
 
“Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.” -Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (1694 - 1778))
 
“All love shifts and changes. I don’t know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.” -Julie Andrews
 
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” -Erich Segal
 
“Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.” -Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1821 - 1881)
 
“Love is being stupid together.” -Paul Valéry (1871 - 1945)
 
“We loved with a love that was more than love.” -Edgar Allan Poe (1809 - 1849)
 
A Valentine
 
I found an old, old valentine
Of my mother’s yesterday;
An age-stained, lacy, lovely thing
That she had put away
Between the covers of a book;
And as I touched it there,
I saw her young and beautiful,
The sunlight in her hair,
The love-light in her bright, young eyes
That years could not destroy;
And through the paper lace there walked
My father as a boy.
Somewhere along the heavenly lanes
Today, their eyes ashine,
I think he asks her once again
To be his valentine.
 
-Grace Noll Crowell (1877 - 1969)
 
“To me, there is no greater act of courage than to be the one who kisses first.” -Janeane Garafolo
 
“He was happy and unhappy all at once. He was in love.” -Petra Mathers: “Victor and Christabel” (1993)
 
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806 - 1861): “Sonnets from the Portuguese” (1850)
 
“Just because someone does not love you the way you want him or her to, does not mean they do not love you with everything they have got.” -Author Unknown
 
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you!
Picture
​“The course of true love never did run smooth.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” (1595), Act 1, scene 1
 
“Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered, or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love is not happy with evil, but it is happy with the truth. Love never gives up: its faith, hope and patience never fail.” -Paul of Tarsus, as quoted in “The Bible,” ‘First Corinthians,’ chapter 13, verses 4 through 8
 
“Hearts are wild creatures. That’s why our ribs are cages.” -Author Unknown
 
Jared: How do you mend a broken heart?
Annie: With ticker tape.
 
“The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness.” -Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885)
 
Together

Because we do
     All things together
All things improve,
     Even weather.
 
Our daily meat
     And bread taste better,
Trees are greener,
     Rain is wetter.
 
-Paul Engle
 
“To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.” -Bess Myerson
 
Do you love me, warts and all?
 
“Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
 
“Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love, because a heart can break, but a circle goes on forever.” -Author Unknown
 
Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay -
Love isn’t love till you give it away.
-Author Unknown
 
“What power has love but forgiveness?” -William Carlos Williams
 
Do you love me?
     Or do you not?
You told me once,
     But I forgot.
-Elena Helms

“I’m bananas for you - let’s never split!” -Author Unknown
 
“Love creates an ‘us’ without destroying the ‘me’.” -Leo Buscaglia (Felice Leonardo ‘Leo’ Buscaglia, also known as Leo F. Buscaglia (1924 - 1998))
 
“If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.” -Author Unknown
 
“Love you to the Moon and back.” -Author Unknown
 
“If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who used to wear fur hats summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.” -Anton Chekhov (Anton Pavlovich Chekhov (1860 - 1904))
 
I Love You!
 
I love you, I love you,
     I love you, I do.
But don’t get excited -
     I love monkeys, too!
 
-Author Unknown
 
“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.” -Plato (about 427 B.C.E. - 347 B.C.E.): “The Symposium”
 
“Perfect love casts out fear.” -Uell Stanley Andersen (1917 - 1986)
 
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -Author Unknown
 
“All of me loves all of you.” -Author Unknown
 
People have made a silly game of holding a daisy and plucking off its petals while saying, “He loves me, he loves me not.” or “She loves me, she loves me not.” Supposedly, the last petal has the answer - but how would a flower know?
 
“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.” -Teresa of Calcutta (1910 - 1997)
 
Overheard: I’ve been looking for you ever since I heard my first fairy tale . . .
 
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” -Sophocles (496 B.C.E. - 406 B.C.E.)
 
“What a grand thing, to be loved! What a grander thing still, to love!” -Victor Hugo (Victor Marie Hugo (1802 - 1885))
 
“To love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.” -Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845)
 
I loved you yesterday,
     I love you still -
I always have,
     I always will.
-Author Unknown
 
“To acquire love, fill yourself up with it until you become a magnet.” -Charles Haanel (1866 - 1949)
 
We would ‘love’ to receive an email from you on the topic of love. Do you know any jokes, poems, riddles, quotations, or short stories? We are reachable at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Remember, ‘LMLML!’ (‘Levity Makes Life More Livable!’)
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Charles Schulz

5/31/2017

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Picture
​“In life, it’s not where you go - it’s who you travel with.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Life is like an ice cream cone. You have to lick it one day at a time.” -Charles M. Schulz, speaking through his comic strip character Charlie Brown
 
“Jogging is very beneficial. It’s good for your legs and your feet. It’s also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Snowflakes fascinate me . . . Millions of them falling gently to the ground . . . and they say that no two of them are alike! Each one completely different from all the others . . . The last of the rugged individualists!” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“There must be a lesson here, but I don’t know what it is.” -Charles M. Schultz
 
“Aren’t the clouds beautiful? They look like big balls of cotton . . . I could just lie here all day, and watch them drift by . . . If you use your imagination, you can see lots of things in the cloud formations . . . What do you think you see, Linus?” “Well, those clouds up there look like the map of the British Honduras on the Caribbean . . . That cloud up there looks a little like the profile of Thomas Eakins, the famous painter and sculptor . . . and that group of clouds over there gives me the impression of the stoning of Stephen . . . I can see the apostle Paul standing there to one side . . .” “Uh huh . . . That’s very good . . . What do you see in the clouds, Charlie Brown?” “Well, I was going to say I saw a ducky and a horsie, but I changed my mind!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1959 to 1960” (May 2006)
 
“There is nothing more attractive than a nice smile.” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1959 to 1960” (May 2006)
 
“Soon Hansel and Gretel came to a little cottage. When they got quite near, they saw that the little house was made of bread and roofed with cake. The windows were transparent sugar.” “There must not have been a very strict building code . . .” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1963 to 1964” (May 2007)
 
“I think I’ll go over and introduce myself to that little red-haired girl. I think I’ll introduce myself, and then ask her to come over and sit next to me. I think I’ll ask her to sit next to me here, and then I think I’ll tell her how much I’ve always admired her . . . I think I’ll flap my arms, and fly to the moon.” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1965 to 1966” (August 2007)
 
“A cartoonist is someone who has to draw the same thing day after day without repeating himself.” -Charles M. Schulz: “You Don’t Look 35, Charlie Brown!” (1985)
Picture
​Charles Schultz’s little yellow bird, Woodstock.
 
“I just draw what I think is funny, and I hope other people think it is funny, too.” -Charles M. Schulz: address to the Sonoma County Press Club, as quoted in the “Sonoma County Press Democrat” (13 February 2000)
 
“Sometimes I lie awake at night and think about that little red-haired girl . . . I don’t ever want to forget her face, but if I don’t forget her face, I’ll go crazy . . . How can I remember the face I can’t forget? Suddenly I’m writing country western music!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1969 to 1970” (October 2008)
 
“Those dreams I have at night are going to drive me crazy. Last night I dreamed that little red-haired girl and I were eating lunch together . . . But she’s gone . . . She’s moved away, and I don’t know where she lives, and she doesn’t know I even exist, and I’ll never see her again . . . And . . . I wish men cried . . .”  -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1969 to 1970” (October 2008)
 
“Though her husband often went on business trips, she hated to be left alone. ‘I’ve solved your problem,’ he said. ‘I’ve bought you a Saint Bernard. Its name is Great Reluctance. Now, when I go away, you shall know that I am leaving you with Great Reluctance!’ She hit him with a waffle iron.” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1973 to 1974” (August 2009)
 
“If I were a better artist, I’d be a painter, and if I were a better writer, I’d write books - but I’m not, so I draw cartoons!” -Charles M. Schulz (1992), as quoted by Tom Tomorrow: “The Modern World” (21 February 2000) comic strip
 
“You know, in a way, ‘Dear Santa Claus’ is rather stuffy . . . Perhaps something a little more intimate would be better . . . Something just a shade more friendly . . .” “How about ‘Dear Fatty’?” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1959 to 1960” (May 2006)
 
“Schroeder, do you think love is the answer to everything?” “Boy, I hope not!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts 1975 to 1976” (March 2010)
 
“I have a question. What if your advice doesn’t help me? Do I get my money back?” “No, because as soon as you pay me, I run right out and spend it. That’s one of the first things they teach you in medical school!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1971 to 1972” (March 2009)
 
“Life is like a game, Charlie Brown . . . Sometimes you win . . . Sometimes you lose.” “I’ll be happy if I just make the playoffs.” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1971 to 1972” (March 2009)
 
“Ten milligrams equals one centigram. Ten decigrams equals one gram. Ten grams equals one grampa.” “Keep going . . . I can hardly wait to see what comes next . . .” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1971 to 1972” (March 2009)
 
“If it’s just a matter of looking, I’ve looked! I’ve looked for happiness at home. I’ve looked all over this neighborhood for happiness . . . Someday, I’ll look all over this country for happiness . . . And, someday, I’ll look all around the world for happiness, but I’ll probably never find it . . . Then, after I’ve looked all over the world, I’ll return home.” “And when you return home, you’ll find the very happiness that was there all along! Is that what you’re trying to say?” “No, but maybe I’ll find that stupid little pink bracelet I lost yesterday!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts 1975 to 1976” (March 2010)
 
“No one would have been invited to dinner as often as Jesus was unless he was interesting and had a sense of humor.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“People shouldn’t be embarrassed just because they get caught acting a little silly.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Look out! Ha! Now you’ve done it! Now you’ve broken a lamp, and you’ve got no one to blame it on but yourself!” “Maybe I could blame it on society!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1959 to 1960” (May 2006)
 
“‘Do you have your own room, Charlie Brown?’ ‘Oh, yes . . . I have a very nice room.’ ‘I hope you realize that you won’t always have your own room . . . Someday you’ll get drafted or something, and you’ll have to leave your room forever!’ ‘Why do you tell me things like that?’ ‘It’s on a list I’ve made up for you . . . I call it, Things You Might As Well Know!’” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1969 to 1970” (October 2008)
 
“Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.” -Charles M. Schulz

The quotation, “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia,” is commonly misattributed to Charles M. Schulz, but he did not say it. He did, however, say something similar, speaking through his comic strip character Marcie in a “Peanuts” (13 June 1980) cartoon strip: “I promise there’ll be a tomorrow, sir. In fact, it’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
 
“I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time.” -Charles M. Schulz, speaking through his comic strip character Charlie Brown
Picture
​Charles Monroe Schulz pictured in 1978 with a drawing of Snoopy.
 
“Cartooning is hard work sometimes, but at least one has the satisfaction of knowing he has made others laugh.” -Charles M. Schulz, with R. Smith Kiliper: “Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Me” (1980)
 
Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz was born on 26 November 1922 in Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States of America. He was a cartoonist and the creator of the “Peanuts” cartoon, which was first published in seven different newspapers on 2 October 1950. The last original “Peanuts” comic strip was published in more than 2,600 newspapers on 13 February 2000. Coincidentally, creator Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schultz had passed away the night before, at 77 years of age in Santa Rosa, California, United States of America.
 
“Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
The “Charlie Brown Christmas” television special debuted on CBS in December 1965. One of the very first animated Christmas television shows, it has aired every year since.
 
Lucy: Do you think you have pantophobia, Charlie Brown?
Charlie: I don’t know, what is pantophobia?
Lucy: The fear of everything.
Charlie: That’s it!
-Charles M. Schulz
 
“The only thing I really ever wanted to be was a cartoonist. That’s my life. Drawing.” -Charles M. Schulz: in an address to the Sonoma County Press Club, as quoted in the “Sonoma County Press Democrat” (13 February 2000)
 
“Charlie Brown says that we’re put here on Earth to make others happy.”
“Is that why we’re here? I guess I’d better start doing a better job . . . I’d hate to be shipped back!” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1961 to 1962” (October 2006)
 
“If I were to be given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
Lucy: Do you think anybody ever really changes?
Linus: I’ve changed a lot in the last year.
Lucy: I mean for the better.
-Charles M. Schulz: “Peanuts” comic strip

“Be yourself. No one can say you’re doing it wrong.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Charlie Brown got hit with a line-drive!”
“Does anyone here know anything about first-aid?”
“It’s probably not serious . . . Second or third-aid will do.”
-Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1965 to 1966” (August 2007)
 
“I never give my work to somebody else and say, “What do you think about that?” I just don’t trust anybody. If I think it’s funny, or if I think it’s silly, I send it in anyway because I’m just trying to please myself. I never try to please a certain audience. I think that’s disastrous. There’s no way in the world you can anticipate what your reader is going to like or dislike.” -Charles M. Schulz: National Cartoonist Society (1994) talk
 
“The world is filled with unmarried marriage counselors.” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1973 to 1974” (August 2009)
 
“Happiness is a warm blanket.” -Charles M. Schulz: “Peanuts” television special
 
“Have you ever known anyone who was happy? And was still in his right mind, I mean . . .” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1969 to 1970” (October 2008)
 
“Happiness is a sad song.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out! A door slammed. The maid screamed. Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon! While millions of people were starving, the king lived in luxury. Meanwhile, on a small farm in Kansas, a boy was growing up.” -Charles M. Schulz: “It Was a Dark and Stormy Night, Snoopy” (1971) novel
 
“To dance is to live!” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“All is well . . . That’s my new philosophy . . .” -Charles M. Schulz
 
“Dear Valentine, I love you. Whoever you are.” -Charles M. Schulz: “The Complete Peanuts: 1971 to 1972” (March 2009)
 
“Happiness is a stack of comic books.” -Charles M. Schulz
 
Do you have a favorite Charles M. Schulz quotation that we have left out? If so, please let us know at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. ‘Make Fun Of Life!’ . . . where imagination comes to play. More fun below . . .
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Zebras

5/25/2017

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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” Well, almost. When two zebras stand side by side, they look across each other to watch out for predators, so it is more a case of, “You watch out for my safety and I’ll watch out for yours.”
 
Carlotta: What do you get when you cross a zebra with an elephant?
Charlotte: Confused lions.
 
Each zebra has its own unique stripes. There are various theories that attempt to explain why zebras have stripes, with most relating to camouflage. Camouflage is a pattern of colors that allows animals to blend into their surroundings, making them less visible to predators. The stripes on zebras may also help them be less noticeable to bothersome insects such as flies and gnats.
 
The predators of zebras are lions, cheetahs, hyenas, and leopards.
 
Augusta: If the alphabet goes from a to z, what goes from z to a?
Angus: Zebra!
 
Zebra Facts
- An adult male zebra is called a stallion.
- A young male zebra is called a colt.
- An adult female zebra is called a mare.
- A young female zebra is called a filly.
- A young zebra, either male or female, is called a foal.
- The plural of zebra is zebras.
- A group of zebras is called a family, a crossing, a zeal, a herd, a dazzle, or a cohort.
- Zebras are closely related to horses and donkeys.
- The most prominent feature of zebras is their black and white stripes.
- The sounds made by zebras are called neighs and whinnies.
- Zebras are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Zebras can live for up to 28 years in the wild in their native continent of Africa and for up to 40 years in zoos.
 
Catherine: What is black and white and red all over, and goes up and down?
Katrina: A sunburned zebra on a pogo stick.

Zebras have ways to communicate with each other. Facial expressions such as wide-open eyes or bared teeth have meanings. They also bark, bray, snort, or huff to get their point across. Even the position of their ears can signal their feelings. For example, ears flattened back can mean trouble or that you had better follow orders.
 
First zebra: Are we black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
Second zebra: We’ll keep everyone guessing, and meanwhile, we’ll try to just go on about our lives in peace!
 
Zebras are herbivores, or animals that eat plants. Zebras eat mostly grasses, but sometimes they will eat shrubs, herbs, twigs, and leaves.
 
Karl: What is black and white and blue all over?
Craig: A very sad zebra.
 
Zebras are very dependent on having good supplies of water. They often need to drink water every day, so they do not usually go far from watering holes, which are low places in the ground in which water accumulates.
 
Overheard: “Wouldn’t it be interesting to have an occasional zebra in a horse race?”
 
Zebras typically live in small groups called herds. If one zebra in the herd spots a predator such as a lion or a hyena or a cheetah, it lets out a sharp two-syllable call. In response to this signal, the young and the females run, while the leader of the herd trails behind the group to defend them against the predator. When one zebra in a herd is attacked, the other zebras circle around it to protect it. Zebras pack a powerful defensive kick that can injure predators. Zebras stand up while sleeping to be further prepared to flee from approaching predators. Zebras also have very good hearing and eyesight to help them detect predators.
 
Garth: What is black and white and black and blue?
Margarite: A zebra that has fallen down a flight of stairs.
 
When a zebra is attacked, other members of its herd will not run away, but instead, will form a circle around the attacked zebra, facing the predator to defend the attacked zebra.

Zebras are members of the equidae family, which also includes horses. The strong resemblance between zebras and horses leads to some people calling zebras ‘striped horses.’ However, while humans have domesticated horses, zebras remain wild animals.
 
Julius: What is black and white and green all over?
Julian: A seasick zebra.

Zebra foals are dark brown and white at birth. They can walk just twenty minutes after they are born, and can run after an hour.
 
“How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray?” -Demetri Martin
 
A zebra’s eyesight at night is as good as that of a cat or an owl.
 
Peter: Why do zebras have stripes?
Paul: So they can pass through the bar code scanner at the supermarket.
 
Zippy zebras can run at speeds of up to 56 kilometers (35 miles) an hour. They might be able to run even faster, but zebras dart from side to side as they run, to outmaneuver pursuing predators. A herd of speeding, darting, zigzagging zebras with stripes could be really confusing to the eyes of hungry carnivores (meat eaters). We’d better sit down, because we’re starting to feel a little dizzy ourselves, just from thinking about it!
 
Kenneth: What is black and white and eats like a horse?
Kenny: A zebra.
 
Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes? That depends on who you ask. Both colors must work together, however, for zebras to have the benefits the pattern gives to them. As any zebra will tell you, “It’s good to have stripes!”
 
Lynnette: What do you get when you put a barcode on a horse?
Linda: A zebra.
 
Zebras are generally thought to have white coats with black or brown stripes, because the stripes end at their bellies and the inner side of the legs, which are white. However, zebras have black hides under their black and white coats.
 
A man in a movie theater noticed what looked like a zebra sitting next to him. “Are you a zebra?” asked the surprised man. “Well, yes I am,” said the zebra. “What are you doing at the movies?” the man asked. The zebra replied, “I liked the book.”
 
Three distinct species of zebras exist. They differ slightly in their pattern of stripes, but have the same general horse-like body shape.
 
April: What is black and white and sleeps all day?
Mae: A lazy z-z-z-zebra.
 
The Plains Zebra, also known as the Burchell’s Zebra or the common zebra, is the most numerous of the three zebra species, and inhabits the grasslands of eastern and southern Africa. Plains zebras are 1.1 to 1.5 meters (3.6 to 4.8 feet) tall at the shoulder and weigh up to 350 kilograms (770 pounds). Plains Zebras have shorter ears and smaller heads than Mountain Zebras and Desert Zebras. Some subspecies of Plains Zebras have brownish ‘shadow’ stripes between their black stripes. Plains Zebras live in small family groups consisting of a male (stallion), several females (mares), and their young (foals). These families may combine with others to form herds with thousands of zebras, but family members will remain close to each other within the herd.
 
The Zebra
 
Thank goodness for the zebra!
     He’s a special animal, you see;
For without the striped zebra,
     What word would start with z?
 
-Author Unknown
 
The Mountain Zebra lives in the mountain ranges of southern Africa (South Africa, Namibia, and Angola). Mountain zebras are from 1.16 to 1.5 meters (3.8 to 4.9 feet) tall at the shoulder and weigh 240 to 372 kilograms (529 to 820 pounds). The Mountain Zebra has broad vertical stripes on its neck and torso, but horizontal stripes on its haunches, and a white belly. The two subspecies of Mountain Zebra are the Hartmann’s Mountain Zebra and the Cape Mountain Zebra. Cape Mountain Zebras are the smaller of the two subspecies.
 
James: Why do zebras have black and white stripes?
Jerome: So they can referee football games.
 
The Desert Zebra, also called Grevy’s Zebra, lives in the arid grasslands of Ethiopia, Kenya, and Somalia. The Desert Zebra is the largest of the three species of zebras. It weighs 350 to 450 kilograms (770 to 990 pounds) and is about 1.5 meters (5 feet) tall at the shoulder. Desert Zebras have narrow stripes and white bellies. Their thick bodies make them look like striped mules.
 
Annabelle: What is black and white and noisy?
Bella: A zebra with a drum set.
 
A cross between a zebra and a donkey is called a zonkey, and cross between a zebra and a horse is called a zorse. A cross between a zebra and a rhinoceros is called ‘that is not possible.’
 
Boris: What is black and white and red all over?
Doris: A zebra hiding in a ketchup bottle.
 
Zebras Quiz
- Are zebras related to horses?
- What is the most noticeable thing about the way zebras look?
- What do zebras eat?
- How many species of zebras are there?
- What continent do zebras come from?
- What kinds of animals do zebras run from?
 
Alan: What is black and white and hides in caves?
Cora: A zebra that owes somebody money.
 
Chrissy: What has stripes, screams, and gets sick to its stomach?
Missy: A zebra on a roller coaster.

Zebras cannot see the color orange.
 
Vicky: What is black and white and red all over?
Nick: A blushing zebra.

Do you know any jokes that would help cheer up a sad zebra? If so, please email them to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Let’s make it our cause to help sad zebras everywhere be happy!
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Daffynitions and Definitions

5/24/2017

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Picture
This stuff is amazing . . .
 
Abundance: A party held in a bakery, at which buns dance; not to be confused with abarndance.
 
“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965))
 
Aqualibrium (ak wa lib’ re um), noun. The point at which a stream of drinking fountain water is at the perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle and from being squirted in the eye.
 
Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.
 
Augmented reality: A step in the process of turning us all into cyborgs.
 
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three o’clock in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
“Bore: A person who talks when you want him to listen.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914))
 
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
 
Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy.
 
Brouhaha: A jolly tea party.
 
Buffet: A French word that means ‘get up and get it yourself.’
 
Buoyant: A young male ant.
 
“Buzzwords: How bees talk to each other.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
Cackleberry: A hen’s egg.
 
“Cat: A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.” -Oliver Herford (1863 - 1935)
 
Chaos: What happens when a dog person marries a cat person.
 
“Christmas is sleeping with one eye shut while the other eye watches for Santa Claus.” -Charles Schulz (Charles Monroe ‘Sparky’ Schulz (1922 - 2000))
 
Cobweb site: A website that has not been updated for a long time.
 
“Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.” -Mike Connolly
 
Compromise: An agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
 
Computer chip: Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while working at a computer.
 
Correctional facility: Rent-free public housing for law-breakers, who are thought to benefit from confinement in each other’s company.
 
Cosmetic makeup: War paint. (No doubt some folks will want to go to war over this definition.)
 
Courage: The art of being the only one who knows you are scared to death.
 
Daffynition: A wacky definition.
 
Democracy: A system of government in which people take the law into their own hands.
 
Denial: A river in Egypt.
 
Dentist: 1. A collector of old magazines. 2. A filling station attendant.

Doohicky: A doo-dad or a whatchyamacallit.
 
Fossil fuels: What dinosaurs used to run their cars.
 
“Diplomat: A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but not her age.” -Robert Frost (Robert Lee Frost (1874 - 1963))
 
Doctor: 1. A type of medical device used in making diagnoses. 2. Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he or she actually knew.
 
“Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.” -Douglas Jerrold (1803 - 1857)

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
 
Efficiency expert: Someone who waits to make up a foursome before going through a revolving door.
 
Elephant: A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner on one end and a rug-beater at the other.
 
“Exchequer: A playing piece from a checkers game that has left to join the chess set.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
Faith: The suspension of disbelief.
 
Farcical: A long bike race.
 
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
 
Forthwith: adverb. Derived from ‘for Thwith,’ originally meaning to be completed in time for Thwith, an ancient Druidic feast of no fixed date. Now used to refer to any unspecified moment in the future and hence to completion of any task for which it would be unwise to provide a deadline.
 
Forum: Two-um plus two-um.
 
Fossil: An extinct animal; the older it is, the more extinct it is.
Picture
​Funology: The science of having fun.

Gardener: A plant manager.
 
Gazebo: A cross between a gazelle, a zebra, and a hippo.
 
Gihugeous: Really, really big.
 
Glitter: Fairy dust.
 
Grandparents: People who think your children are wonderful, but are sure you are not raising them right.
 
“Hammers: Manually-powered fastener-driving impact devices.” -Author Unknown: United States Pentagon
 
Happiness: What you can always find in the dictionary.
 
Hardware store: 1. Similar to a black hole in space if a husband goes in - he is not coming out anytime soon. 2. One of the rare shops in which women do not like to do shopping, and therefore, popular with men.
 
Harpist: A plucky musician
 
Hors d’oeuvres: A sandwich cut into twenty pieces.
 
Horsepower: Something that was much safer when only horses had it.
 
Hospital: A place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
 
Human: A useful domestic animal that is popular with cats, dogs, and fleas.
 
Humor: God’s gift to humankind to compensate for the law of gravity.
 
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
 
Impeccable: What every bird owner must be.
 
Intense: Where campers sleep.
 
Internet: The reason you are failing your classes.
 
Junk is stuff we throw away, whereas stuff is junk we keep.
 
Kindred: A fear that relatives are coming to stay.
 
Laughingstock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
 
Lollipops: Behavior modification reinforcers.
 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at statistics.
 
Magazine: A bunch of printed pages that tell you what is coming in the next issue.
 
Meterology: The study of parking meters.
 
Metronome: A city-dwelling dwarf.
 
Mirage: A place where a ghost keeps its car.
 
Mistakes: Proof that you are trying - so go ahead and keep making mistakes.
 
Mommy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
 
Mouse Pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
 
Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate.
 
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
 
Peekaboo: Hide-and-Seek for ghosts.
 
Polarize: What penguins see with.
 
Predicament: When a woman does not want any more birthdays, but still wants the presents.
 
Prepone: To move forward in time; the opposite of postpone. Usage example: We are preponing tomorrow’s meeting by holding it today.
 
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose or a proper gander; see also ‘impropaganda.’
 
Prophet: A person who foresees only ever doom and gloom; also known as a prophet of doom.
 
Public schools: A scheme for indoctrinating impressionable young minds with the ideology of political correctness, thereby creating the unthinking crazed zombie-like minions of Big Brother and his New World Order.
 
Quantum Physics: The dreams that stuff is made of.
 
Raisin: A worried grape.
 
Rectify: When you try to fix something, but end up wrecking it instead.
 
Relay: What chickens do when the farmer takes their eggs away.
 
Relief: What trees do in the Spring.
 
Sarcasm: Barbed ire.
 
Scandal: Footwear you should be ashamed of.
 
Seamstress: What occurs when 250 pounds of person are in a size 6 outfit.
 
Shingle: Sean Connery’s definition of a bachelor.
 
Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.
 
Slippers: Footwear made from bananas.
 
Snicker: A small laugh.
 
Stick: A boomerang that does not come back.
 
Stucco: What you get when you sit on gummo.
 
Subdued: A guy who works on submarines.
 
Synergy: 1 + 1 = 3.
 
“Taxidermy: A skin condition caused by riding in taxicabs.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
Television: An electrical device which, when broken, stimulates conversation.
 
Thirteen o’clock: Time to get your clock fixed.
 
Top bunk: A bed where you should never put a child who is wearing Superman pajamas.
 
Traffic light: An apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
 
Tulips: The standard number of lips assigned to a person.
 
UFP: Unidentified Frying Pan. Usage example: The police report shows the would-be burglar appears to have been struck in the noggin by a UFP.
 
Vegetarian: 1. A bad fisherman. 2. A bad hunter.
 
Wasted energy: Telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.
 
Webmaster: A spider. Usage example: Watch out for that creepy-crawly webmaster!
 
Yours: Anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you.
 
Zenophobia: The irrational fear of convergent sequences.
 
Why not wow us with your zany word meanings and help us redefine the world? We are always and ever at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. We now return you to further lightness and enlightenment . . . on ‘MFOL!’
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Bumper Stickers and License Plates

5/23/2017

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​Bumper sticker: Turn Signals Are Not Just For Smart People Anymore.
 
License plate on a brown Land Rover: ARF ARF.
 
Bumper sticker: If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher.
 
Bumper sticker: If You Lived In Your Car, You Would Be Home By Now.
 
Bumper sticker: Relish Today . . . Ketchup Tomorrow!
 
Bumper sticker: Be Alert - The World Needs More Lerts.
 
Bumper sticker: To Err Is Human, To Moo Bovine.
 
Bumper sticker: Don’t Wish For It - Work For It.
 
Bumper sticker: Buckle Up - It Makes It Harder For The Aliens To Suck You Out Of Your Car.
 
Bumper sticker: The Truth Is Out There. It’s Just Not Very Well Indexed.
 
Bumper sticker: I Souport Publik Edekasi8n.
 
Bumper sticker: When In Danger Or In Doubt, Run In Circles, Scream, And Shout.
 
Bumper sticker: If You Think I’m A Lousy Driver, Wait Until You See Me Putt.
 
Bumper sticker: Save The Earth - It’s The Only Planet With Chocolate!
 
Bumper sticker: There Is No Shortcut To Anyplace Worth Going.
 
Bumper sticker: Warning - This Vehicle Protected By Anti-Theft Sticker.
 
Bumper sticker: I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
 
Bumper sticker: Power To The People (seen on an electrician’s truck).
 
Bumper sticker: Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy.
 
Bumper sticker: If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker You Are Driving Too Close.
 
Bumper sticker: So You’re A Feminist - Isn’t That Adorable?
 
Bumper sticker: How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
 
Bumper sticker: You Have Enemies? Good - That Means You Stood Up For Something.
 
Bumper sticker: Friends Don’t Let Friends Miss Out On Heaven.
 
Bumper sticker: Be The Kind Of Friend You’d Want to Have.
 
Bumper sticker: I’d Rather Be Fishing!
 
Bumper sticker on a Lamborghini: My Other Car Is A Lamborghini, Too!
 
Bumper sticker: I Owe, I Owe, So It’s Off To Work I Go!
 
License plate: YRU FAT (seen on weight-loss guru Richard Simmons’ vehicle).
 
Bumper sticker: My Other Vehicle Is A Romulan Warbird.
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​Bumper sticker: Honk If You Are A Bad Driver.
 
Bumper sticker: Eagles Don’t Flock.
 
Bumper sticker: Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
 
Bumper sticker: Caution - I Drive Like You Do!
 
Bumper sticker: Caution - Blind Person Driving! (seen on a venetian blind installer’s vehicle).
 
Bumper sticker: I Do Whatever My Breakfast Cereal Tells Me To Do.
 
Bumper sticker: Just Say, “No,” To Negativity.
 
Bumper sticker: All Generalizations Are False Including This One.
 
Bumper sticker: I Love Animals - They Are Delicious!
 
Bumper sticker: If Your Ship Hasn’t Come In . . . Swim Out To It!
 
Bumper sticker: Be Nice To Americans, Or We’ll Bring Our Style Of Democracy To Your Country!
 
Bumper sticker: I Don’t Repeat Gossip.
 
Bumper sticker: Be Ye Fishers Of Men. You Catch Them - He Will Clean Them.
 
Bumper sticker: I Have Animal Magnetism. Every Time I Go Outside, Squirrels Stick To My Clothes.
 
Bumper sticker: Just Because You Are Paranoid Does Not Mean They Are Not Out To Get You.

Bumper sticker: What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
 
Bumper sticker: The Internet Is An Information Source Not A Lifestyle Choice.
 
Bumper sticker: I Am Speeding Because I Have To Get Someplace Before I Forget Where I Was Going!
 
Bumper sticker: People Who Anger You Control You.
 
Have you read the bumper sticker that reads, “Ban All Bumper Stickers!”?
 
Bumper sticker: Follow Your Dreams, Except The One Where You Are Being Chased By A Giant Duck While Riding Your Bicycle Through Pistachio Pudding.
 
Bumper sticker: It Is Bad Luck To Be Superstitious.
 
Bumper sticker: Honk If You Have No Control Over Your Impulses.
 
Bumper sticker: Quantum Mechanics Is The Dreams Stuff Is Made Of.
 
Bumper sticker: Humans Aren’t The Only Species On Earth, We Just Act Like It.
 
Bumper sticker: As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
 
License plate on the vehicle of a sewing machine dealership: SEWBIZ.
 
Bumper sticker: Don’t Follow Me - I’m Lost, Too!
 
Bumper sticker: It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better!
 
Bumper sticker: Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying.
 
Bumper sticker: Save The Whales! Trade Them For Valuable Prizes.
 
Bumper sticker: What If The Hokey Pokey Really Is What It’s All About?
 
Bumper sticker: Can You Hear Me Now!?
 
What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a “Honk If You Love Jesus!” bumper sticker, and the car doesn’t move when the traffic light turns green?
 
Bumper sticker: National Atheist’s Day Is April 1st.
 
Bumper sticker: Men Are From Earth. Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.
 
Bumper sticker: Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage.
 
Bumper sticker: I Is A College Student.
 
License plates in the Canadian Northwest Territories are shaped like polar bears.
 
Bumper sticker: Forget World Peace And Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.
 
License plate: HMMMM (seen on a choir director’s vehicle).
 
Bumper sticker: My Other Car Has A Funny Bumper Sticker On It.
 
Bumper sticker: Lottery - A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math.
 
Bumper sticker: In The Absence Of Light, Darkness Prevails.
 
Bumper sticker: I May Be Slow, But I’m Ahead Of You.
 
Bumper sticker: Honk If Anything Falls Off.
 
Bumper sticker: Driver Carries No Cash - He’s Married!
 
Bumper sticker: If Life Gives You Peanuts, Make Peanut Butter.
 
Bumper sticker: This Truck Has Been In Fifteen Accidents, And Hasn’t Lost One Yet!
 
Bumper sticker: By The Time You Read This, You Will Have Already Read It.
 
Bumper sticker: Question Everything.
 
Bumper sticker: Taxation With Representation Isn’t So Wonderful, Either!
 
'MFOL!' . . . It all started when we woke up one morning and said, “Let’s do something different today.” More funtastic stuff follows below . . . for those who like to ‘Make Fun Of Life!’
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Waiting and Patience

5/22/2017

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What could be keeping the cat waiting patiently at a hole in a wall?
 
“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.” -Steven Wright (born in 1955)
 
“Beware the fury of a patient man.” -John Dryden (1631 - 1700): “Absalom and Achitophel” (1681), part 1, line 1005; type of work: satiric poem
 
“Patience is the ability to count down without blasting off.” -Author Unknown
 
“You’re trying to eat grass that isn’t there. Why don’t you give it a chance to grow?” -Richard Adams: “Watership Down” (November 1972)
 
“I was not born to wait.” -Gwenda Bond: “Double Down” (1 May 2016)
 
Pay-Off
 
All things may come
     To those who wait,
But when they do,
     They’re out of date.
 
-George Hill
 
“If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” -Author Unknown
 
“Be patient with your impatience.” -Roy Masters
 
“The secret of patience is to do something else in the meantime.” -Croft M. Pentz
 
“What is done hastily is not done well.” -Author Unknown
 
“Everything comes too late for those who only wait.” -Elmore Hubbard
 
Overheard: Patience is something that can only be developed by waiting.
 
“‘Patience is a virtue’ is always said by those who make others wait, and never by those who must wait.” -Author Unknown
 
“The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” -Arnold H. Glasow (Arnold Henry Glasow (1905 - 1998))

“Patience is powerful.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
 
“How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?” -Paul Sweeney
 
“All things come to those who wait - provided they work continually while waiting.” -Author Unknown
 
“In putting off what one has to do, one runs the risk of never being able to do it.” -Charles Baudelaire (1821 - 1867)
 
Once upon a time, there was a man who was very impatient with other people. To him, everyone seemed to be too slow to understand and too slow to do the right things. Also to him, people seemed too quick to come to the wrong conclusions and too quick to do the wrong things. The more the man had to deal with people, the more impatient he became with them, so he decided that he must get away from people until he could learn how to be patient. He built himself a little home deep in the woods, and far away from civilization, and lived as a hermit. Years later, a man was hiking through the woods, and met the impatient man. The hiker was amazed to find anyone living so deep in the woods and so far away from the rest of the world, so he asked the man why he was there all by himself. The man said that he was there to learn patience. The hiker asked how long he had been living all alone in the woods, and the man replied, “Thirty-one years.” Stunned, the hiker asked, “If there are no other people around you, how will you know when you have learned to be patient?” Annoyed by this lengthy conversation, the man replied, “Go away; I have no time for you.”
 
“You will develop patience if you wait long enough.” -Author Unknown
 
“Patience is also a form of action.” -Auguste Rodin (also known as François Auguste René Rodin or Auguste-René Rodin (1840 - 1917))
 
Macrophobia is a fear of long waits. Personally, we are afraid of short waits. “The dentist will see you now.” “Oh, no . . . couldn’t we wait just a little longer?”
 
“Lateness is rudeness - always. There is no such thing as being ‘fashionably late.’ If you are running late, call to let your host know.” -Author Unknown
 
“Good things come to those who wait - but better things come to those who work for it.” -Author Unknown
 
‘Hurry up and wait!’ could be the slogan of many individuals and organizations. Military people are familiar with this saying. People with government appointments may have heard this saying. People with medical appointments may suspect that this is what is going on. You make all kinds of advance preparations in order to be absolutely certain that you have everything ready that they require, and you make sure that you are not just on time, but at least a few minutes early - and what happens? You are made to wait for hours, because the people who insisted that you show up prepared and on time did not make the same efforts to be sure they were prepared and on time to meet you! It can be hard not to feel that these people do not respect you and that they are stealing your time away from you.
 
“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” -John Quincy Adams (1767 - 1848)
 
“All things come to those who wait - provided they work continually while waiting.” -Author Unknown
 
“Patience with others is love. Patience with self is hope. Patience with God is faith.” -Adel Bestavros
 
“Men count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.” -Author Unknown: French proverb
 
Overheard: Thank you for your patience.
 
“If you have been waiting for someone or something for so long that you can actually feel yourself getting older while you wait, then you know that you have been waiting for far too long.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“Patience will come to him who waits for it.” -Author Unknown
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“If the cat sits long enough at the hole, it will catch the mouse.” -Author Unknown: Irish proverb
 
“Patience is a key element of success.” -Bill Gates
 
“It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today.” -Thomas Fuller
 
“There is, however, a limit at which forbearance ceases to be a virtue.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): “Observations on a Late Publication on the Present State of the Nation”
 
“There is nothing to be gained by waiting for a better situation. You see where you are and you do what you can with that.” -Jacob K. Javits
 
“Patience is not simply the ability to wait. It’s how we behave while we’re waiting.” -Joyce Meyer
 
“If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.” -Larry McMurtry (born in 1936): “Some Can Whistle” (1989)
 
“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” [English translation]
“La patience est amère, mais son fruit est doux.” [original French]
-Jean Chardin (1643 - 1713): “Voyages en Perse et autres lieux de l’Orient” (1711), page 175
 
“Our patience will achieve more than our force.” -Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797): “Reflections on the Revolution in France” (1790)
 
“Have patience with all things, but, first of all with yourself.” -Francis de Sales
 
“Abused patience turns to fury.” -Thomas Fuller
 
“When you are tempted to lose patience with someone, think how patient God has been with you all the time.” -Author Unknown
 
“You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.” -Author Unknown
 
“No great thing is created suddenly.” -Epictetus (C.E. 55 - C.E. 135)
 
“Patience means self-suffering.” -Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand ‘Mahatma’ Gandhi (1869 - 1948))
 
“Waiting is one thing, but when people force us to wait for an exorbitant amount of time, they are actually taking a part of our lives away from us, because time is the measure of life.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“He that can have patience can have what he will.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790): “Poor Richard’s Almanack” (June 1736)
 
“Even the nicest person’s patience has a limit.” -Author Unknown
 
“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” -E. V. Lucas (Edward Verrall Lucas (1868 - 1938)): “365 Days and One More” (1926), ‘October 3’
 
“Patience is the art of hoping.” [English translation]
“La patience est l’art d’espérer.” [original French]
-Luc de Clapiers, Marquis de Vauvenargues (1715 - 1747): “Réflexions” (1746), CCLI
 
“Patience and tenacity of purpose are worth more than twice their weight of cleverness.” -T. H. Huxley (Thomas Henry Huxley (1825 - 1895))
 
“Patience, noun. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Cynic’s Word Book” (1906; retitled in 1911 as “The Devil’s Dictionary”)
 
“Patience is the art of concealing your impatience.” -Guy Kawasaki
 
“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.” -David G. Allen
 
“Regardless of how much patience we have, we would prefer never to use any of it.” -James T. O’Brien
 
“If you wait until all the lights are ‘green’ before you leave home, you’ll never get started on your trip to the top.” -Zig Ziglar (Hilary Hinton ‘Zig’ Ziglar (1926 - 2012))
 
“A man who masters patience masters everything else.” -Author Unknown
 
“When you are tempted to lose patience with God, remember how patient God has been with you.” -Author Unknown
 
“Patience is a virtue. The Moon and the Sun learned long ago that, if each patiently waits its turn, they will both have their chance to shine.” -Author Unknown
 
“Please be patient. God has not finished with me yet.” -Author Unknown
 
“Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don’t give up.” -Author Unknown
 
This is life’s dilemma and it is sure as fate
Some things can’t be hurried and other things can’t wait.
-Author Unknown
 
Overheard: Good things take time.
 
“Patience is the companion of wisdom.” -Augustine of Hippo (also known as Aurelius Augustinus Hipponensis and Aurelius Augustine (C.E. 354 - C.E. 430))
 
“Your capacity for patience will be rewarded eventually.” -Author Unknown
 
“Patience is the ability to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without becoming angry or upset.” -Author Unknown
 
“The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.” -Author Unknown
 
“Impatience can cause wise people to do foolish things.” -Janette Oke
 
“Impatience never commanded success.” -Edwin H. Chapin (Edwin Hubbell Chapin (1814 - 1880))
 
“I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.” -Author Unknown
 
“People wait all week for Friday, all year for Summer, all of a lifetime for happiness.” -Author Unknown
 
A little boy was standing patiently at the bottom of an escalator in a big department store. A saleswoman asked him, “Sonny, are you lost?” The boy answered, “No ma’am, I’m waiting for my chewing gum to come back.”
 
Overheard: Be patient with people - nobody is perfect.
 
“Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.” -Napoleon Hill (1883 - 1970)
 
We would be flattering ourselves if we said that this topic was certainly worth waiting for . . . more ‘Fun & Learning’ continues below . . . on MFOL!
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Horses and Ponies

5/21/2017

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A herd of wild horses could not pull us away from this much fun . . .
 
Horse: A kind of large dog that eats grass and can run like the wind.
 
“Wherever man has left his footprint in the long ascent from barbarism to civilization, we will find the hoofprint of the horse beside it.” -John Moore
 
What is the difference between a horse and a pony? The difference is largely in size. The heights of horses are measured from the bottom of the hoof to the highest point on the back of a horse, at the withers, which is roughly where a horse’s neck and back meet. In most of the world, horse heights are measured using the metric system; however, in the United States of America, Canada, and England, horse heights are measured in units called ‘hands.’ One hand is equal to 4 inches (10.16 centimeters). A horse is usually considered to be 14.2 (14 hands, 2 inches or 58 inches or 147.32 centimeters) or taller when mature. Any animal under 14.2 when mature is usually considered to be a pony. However, just as a matter of clarification, ponies are still horses; they are just of a smaller size, and so they are usually referred to as ponies rather than horses.
 
Paul: What is ‘horse sense’?
Paula: Just ‘stable thinking’!
 
Horses have bigger eyes than any other land animals, other than ostriches - even elephants and humans fall far behind. Squids have the biggest eyes of any living creatures, but squids are marine, or water, animals. Because their eyes are on the sides of their heads, horses are capable of seeing almost 360 degrees, or in a nearly complete circle, all at once. What a view!

Hanna: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe in the road?
Barbara: Good luck - or else some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

A horse can look forward with one eye and backwards with the other eye. We suggest that you do not try this yourself - you will only end up dizzy, discombobulated, and possibly feeling ever-so-slightly ill.

“It’s much easier to ride a horse in the direction he is going.” -Author Unknown

The large eyes and sensitive ears of horses allow them to detect predators early on, giving them ample opportunity to run swiftly away from them, and to put considerable distance between themselves and the predators, which are the animals that hunt and eat them.

Grace: Why is your racehorse named Bad News?
Greta: Because bad news travels fast!

Horses can gallop at up to about 68 kilometers (42 miles) per hour in short bursts in order to escape from predators. Horses can gallop, which is a comfortably sustainable type of running for them over long distances, at about 44 kilometers (27 miles) per hour. The fastest recorded sprinting speed of a horse is 88 kilometers (55 miles) per hour.

Jenny: Guess what - I went riding this afternoon.
Jennifer: Horseback?
Jenny: Sure is. He got back an hour before I did.

Riddle: A man took his horse out for a ride every day. Two of the horse’s legs ran 5 miles but the other two ran 6 miles. How is that possible?
Answer: The horse ran in circles.
 
“I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that my art is not above the ordinary.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
 
Horses sleep standing up, but if they feel safe, they will sleep lying down.
 
Overheard: Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
 
“Heaven is high and Earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.” -Rudolf C. Binding

Horses are closely related to both zebras and donkeys.

William: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
Billy: A zebra.
 
Stirrup: What you do to pancake batter.
 
My horse’s feet are as swift as rolling thunder
He carries me away from all my fears
And when the world threatens to fall asunder
His mane is there to wipe away my tears.
-Bonnie Lewis

A visitor to the farm was asking all kinds of questions about the animals he saw. “Why doesn’t that cow have horns?” he inquired of the farmer. “Well,” drawled the farmer, “cows don’t have horns for many reasons. Some of them are removed, some kinds of cows never grow them, and some get them when they mature. That particular cow doesn’t have horns,” he added, “because he’s a horse.”
 
“In riding a horse we borrow freedom.” -Helen Thomson
 
About to take his first horseback ride, the greenhorn was checking out the horses in the stable. The old wrangler asked whether he wanted an English saddle or a Western saddle. “What’s the difference?” asked the tenderfoot. “The English saddle is flat, while the Western has a horn on the front.” “Better give me the English saddle,” the fellow replied. “I don’t expect to be riding in traffic.”
 
“It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped.” -Author Unknown

Sarah
 
Schubert had a horse named Sarah.
He drove her to the big parade.
And all the time the band was playing
Schubert’s Sarah neighed.
 
-Marge Roedig
 
Rebecca: What do you call the horse that lives next door?
Becky: Our neigh-bor!
 
“The horse is the only animal into which one can hammer nails.” -Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)
 
“You have probably heard the expression, ‘I am so hungry that I could eat a horse!’ But have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you were not that hungry after all?” -Author Unknown
 
“Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.” -Pam Brown
 
Horse Dreams
 
I wonder if horses have dreams
Of fresh grass and cold crystal streams,
     No shoes and clean air,
     A breeze through their hair,
And freedom - they ought to, it seems.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“You know what they say . . . you can’t fall off a horse unless you were riding one to begin with. Now let’s all get out there and fall off some horses!” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (1966)
 
The Prince of Bombay
 
There was a young prince of Bombay,
Who always would have his own way;
     He pampered his horses
     On five or six courses,
Himself eating nothing but hay.
 
-Walter Parke
 
“There are no handles to a horse, but the 1910 model has a string to each side of its face for turning its head when there is anything you want it to see.” -Stephen Leacock (Stephen Butler Leacock (1869 - 1944)): “Literary Lapses” (1910), ‘Reflections on Riding’

The horses paw and prance and neigh,
     Fillies and colts like kittens play,
And dance and toss their rippled manes
     Shining and soft as silken skeins
-Oliver Wendell Holmes, Senior (1809 - 1894): “The Complete Poetical Works of Oliver Wendell Holmes” (1852), ‘How the Old Horse Won the Bet’

“A dog may be man’s best friend, but the horse wrote history.” -Author Unknown

A man was walking down a country road when he heard a voice coming from behind a tree, but all he could see was a horse. “Hello, remember me?” the voice said. “I won the Kentucky Derby Race two years ago.” “A talking horse!” the man exclaimed, and he rushed over to a nearby field where a farmer was working and asked, “What would you take for that horse?” “That horse is no good. You can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty dollars! I’ll give you two thousand dollars.” “Has that hay-bag been giving you that nonsense about winning the Kentucky Derby? Listen, I happen to know he came in last.”
 
“No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.” -Winston Churchill (Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill (1874 - 1965))

Benjamin: What has four legs and flies?
Franklin: A horse in the summer time.
 
“Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.” -Author Unknown
 
Horses and Ponies Facts
- An adult male horse or pony is called a stallion.
- A young male horse or pony is called a colt.
- An adult female horse or pony is called a mare.
- A young female horse or pony is called a filly.
- A male or female horse or pony that is less than one year of age is called a foal.
- A group of horses or ponies is called a herd, a team (harnessed), a stable, a string (racing), a band, or a mob.
- The sounds made by horses are called neighs, snorts, and whinnying, along with the hoof sounds called clips, clops, and clippity-clops.
- Horses and ponies are herbivores, or animals that eat plants.
- Domestic horses have a lifespan of about 20 to 35 years.

Martin: Why was the pony sent to the principal’s office?
Robin: He was horsing around too much.

Ponies Facts
- Ponies are small horses.
- Ponies have thicker manes and tails than horses.
- Ponies have proportionally shorter legs, thicker necks, and shorter heads than horses.
- Pound for pound, ponies are stronger than horses.
- Ponies are easy to look after and require half the food that horses of the same weight require.
- Well-trained ponies are good for children while they are learning to ride, as ponies often have calmer and less excitable dispositions than horses, and are easier to saddle and climb onto.
 
Horse Sense
 
A horse can’t pull while kicking.
     This fact I merely mention.
And he can’t kick while pulling
     Which is my chief contention.

Let’s imitate the good old horse
     And lead a life that’s fitting;
Just pull an honest load, and then
     There’ll be no time for kicking.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“Small children are convinced that ponies deserve to see the inside of the house.” -Maya Patel

“He’s of the color of the nutmeg. And of the heat of the ginger . . . he is pure air and fire; and the dull elements of earth and water never appear in him, but only in patient stillness while his rider mounts him; he is indeed a horse, and all other jades you may call beasts.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Henry V” (written in about 1599)

Did you know that horses are constantly stepping on frogs? The underside of a horse’s hoof is called a ‘frog.’ Frogs fall off a horse several times a year as new growth takes place.
 
Otis: What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in the road?
Quincy: Some poor horse is walking around in its socks!
 
Somewhere . . .
 
Somewhere in time’s own space
     There must be some sweet pastured place
Where creeks sing on and tall trees grow
     Some Paradise where horses go,
For by the love that guides my pen
     I know great horses live again.
 
-Stanley Harrison

There are an estimated 75,000,000 horses in the world. Some people think that’s not enough.

“Horses lend us the wings we lack.” -Author Unknown
 
Equinophobia, also known as hippophobia, is an irrational fear or dislike of horses. Sufferers of this condition experience undue anxiety even when a horse is known to be gentle and well-trained. They usually avoid horses entirely rather than risk the realization of their imagined fear of being kicked, bitten, or thrown. They may also fear other hoofed animals such as ponies, donkeys, and mules. ‘Equinophobia’ is derived from the Latin word ‘equus’ meaning ‘horse’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ An alternate name for equinophobia is ‘hippophobia,’ which is derived from the Greek word ‘hippos,’ meaning ‘horse’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ Remember, all fears and phobias can be quelled and conquered with the right attitudes and actions.
 
“The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire.” -Sharon Ralls Lemon
 
Denise: Why did the mare go to Hollywood?
Dennis: She wanted to play ‘bit’ parts in the movies.
 
“To ride a horse is to ride the sky.” -Author Unknown

“A horse can lend its rider the speed and strength he or she lacks, but the rider who is wise remembers it is no more than a loan.” -Pam Brown

Scientists believe that horses have evolved over the past 50 million years from much smaller creatures. Horses have been domesticated for more than 5,000 years.
 
“To me, horses and freedom are synonymous.” -Veryl Goodnight
 
Zack: What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
Zachary: One goes quick and the other goes, “Quack!”
 
“A horse is the projection of peoples’ dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence.” -Pam Brown
 
Star: Why did one horse reach over another horse’s neck to get some hay?
Violet: It had bad stable manners.
 
“Many people have sighed for the ‘good old days’ and regretted the ‘passing of the horse,’ but today, when only those who like horses own them, it is a far better time for horses.” -C. W. Anderson
 
Overheard: “Help - I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”
 
“Clydesdales are tall and majestic, and Shetland ponies are small but very strong; both contribute to making our world better in their own ways.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.” -Gerald Raferty

It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle baker’s yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
 
“Feeling down? Saddle up.” -Author Unknown
 
Horses vanished from both North America and South America in a wave of extinction that occurred about 15,000 years ago, at the end of the Pleistocene epoch. Horses also nearly became extinct in the rest of the world, and about 7,000 years ago, the only horses in the world lived in a small area in the still open grassland steppes of what is now the Ukraine and central Asia. Horses were not seen in the Americas again until 1494, when Italian explorer Christopher Columbus transported them over on ships from Spain during his second voyage to the new world.
 
Katie: What goes, “Clip!”?
Katherine: A one-legged horse.
 
Now we hand the reigns over to you because it is your turn to do the horsing around. Please send your fun or facts about ‘Horses and Ponies’ to MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
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Anger and Rage

5/20/2017

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Please do not blow your top, because we do not have the tools or the knowledge that would be needed to put you back together again . . .
 
“Letting off steam always produces more heat than light.” -Neal A. Maxwell (Neal Ash Maxwell (1926 - 2004)): “Murmur Not” in “Ensign” (November 1989) magazine, page 84
 
Riddle: What is round and has a bad temper?
Solution: A vicious circle.
 
“Every time you give someone a piece of your mind, you make your head a little emptier.” -Author Unknown
 
“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” -Eckhart Tolle
 
“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
 
“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.” -Chérie Carter-Scott (born in 1939) www.drcherie.com
 
“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” -Bede Jarrett
 
“The best remedy for anger is delay.” -Seneca (Lucius Annaeus Seneca, also known as Seneca the Younger (3 B.C.E. - C.E. 65)): “De ira” (“On Anger”)
 
“We can’t let the anger overshadow the good things in life.” -Author Unknown
 
Angrophobia is a persistent fear of anger or of becoming angry. Many folks look ridiculous and do regrettable actions or speak in haste when angry, so perhaps the phobia stems in part from a fear of doing permanent damage to image and reputation.
 
“The broad general rule is that a person is no bigger than the things that make him or her angry.” -Author Unknown
 
Hangry (han-gree), adjective: A state of anger caused by lack of food; hunger causing a negative change in emotional state.
 
“You can’t stay mad at someone who makes you laugh.” -Jay Leno (born in 1950)
 
“Sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.” -Author Unknown
 
“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” -Author Unknown: Chinese proverb
 
“Anger seems to be all the rage now with some people.” -Nathan Thomas Taylor (born in 1966)
 
“Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.” -Lemony Snicket (pseudonym of Daniel Handler (born in 1970))
________________________________________________________
 
A Bag of Nails
 
Once upon a time, there lived a little boy, and he had a very bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the wooden fence that surrounded their home.
 
The first day, the boy hammered an entire handful of nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails he hammered into the fence each day became fewer in number. He had discovered that it was easier for him to hold his temper than it was to drive nails into the fence.
 
Finally, the day came when the boy did not lose his temper at all. He told his father about this, and his father suggested that the boy then pull out one nail for each day that he had been able to control his temper.
 
The days passed, and at last, the young boy could finally tell his father that all the nails he had hammered into the fence had been removed.
 
The father led his son to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at all the holes in the fence. The nails are gone, but the fence itself will never be the same.”
 
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said, “I hope I can be forgiven for all the damage my anger has done to people.”
 
-Author Unknown
________________________________________________________
 
“Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.” -Robert G. Ingersoll (Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899))
 
“A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.” -Bruce Lee (1940 - 1973)
 
“Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.” -Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)
 
“I understand the fury in your words, but not the words.” -William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616): “Othello” (about 1603)
 
“There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust.” -Francis de Sales (1567 - 1622): “Introduction to the Devout Life” (1609)
 
“When you are angry say nothing and do nothing until you have recited the alphabet.” -Athenodorus Cananites
 
“Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
 
“Just try to be angry with someone who fed you something delicious.” -Carmen Cook
 
“Most people usually do not assume responsibility for their anger. Instead, what we typically hear is, “You made me angry.” “They made me upset,” etc. I trust it is evident that these types of statements are not true. No one else can ‘make’ you angry. We have to make ourselves angry. What others say and do is, yes, a part of the equation, but without our contribution to the equation, anger cannot arise nor exist. This can be a very threatening conception of anger, and yet it is also very freeing, for as long as we do determine our own emotional responses, we are free to change and to control them. If other people or events were, in fact, responsible for our emotional responses, then we would not have the freedom nor ability to change them - unless we could control other people and events, which is much more challenging and usually impossible. Thus, principle one in the case against anger is, we are ultimately responsible for our own anger.” -Burton C. Kelly: “Let All . . . Anger . . . Be Put Away from You . . . or the Case Against Anger” as published in the “AMCAP Journal” (February 1979), pages 6 through 13
 
“Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
 
“Anger is a bad adviser.” -Author Unknown: French proverb
 
“Anger and worry are caused by phantoms that we create within ourselves and whose only strength is that with which we endow them.” -Horace Fletcher: “Menticulture” (1895)
 
“When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.” -Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
 
“He who can suppress a moment’s anger may prevent a day of sorrow.” -Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894)
 
“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” -George Jean Nathan (1882 - 1958)
 
Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure, often resulting from a perceived injustice or unfairness. While anger is often momentary, rage is usually thought of as being a period of sustained anger.
 
“Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.” -Henry Ward Beecher (1813 - 1887)
 
“Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten out a pile of papers.” -Susan Mancotte
 
“Anger begins with folly, and ends with repentance.” -Pythagoras (about 570 B.C.E. - about 495 B.C.E.): as quoted in “The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction” (6 January 1844), volume V, number 1
 
“An angry man is again angry with himself when he returns to reason.” -Publilius Syrus (85 B.C.E. - 43 B.C.E.)
 
“Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.” -Author Unknown
 
“Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.” -Queen Elizabeth I of England, as quoted in Francis Bacon: “Certain Apophthegms of Lord Bacon” (1625), number IV
 
“When anger rises, think of the consequences.” -Confucius (551 B.C.E. - 479 B.C.E.)
________________________________________________________
 
Temper

When I have lost my temper I have lost my reason, too.
I’m never proud of anything which angrily I do.
 
When I have talked in anger and my cheeks were flaming red,
I have always uttered something which I wish I hadn’t said.
 
In anger I have never done a kindly deed or wise,
But many things for which I felt I should apologize.
 
In looking back across my life, and all I’ve lost or made,
I can’t recall a single time when fury ever paid.
 
So I struggle to be patient, for I’ve reached a wiser age;
I do not want to do a thing or speak a word in rage.
 
I have learned by sad experience that when my temper flies,
I never do a worthy thing, a decent deed or wise.
 
-Author Unknown
________________________________________________________
 
“Anger is never without an argument, but seldom with a good one.” -George Savile (1633 - 1695): “Political, Moral, and Miscellaneous Thoughts and Reflections” (1750), ‘Of Anger’
 
“When a wise man is angry, he is no longer wise.” -Author Unknown: “The Talmud”
 
“We are all crazy when we are angry.” -Philemon (about 300 B.C.E.)
 
“If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?” -Sydney J. Harris (Sydney Justin Harris (1917 - 1986))
 
“I always tumble into trouble when I lose my temper.” -Jane Louise Curry: “Robin Hood and His Merry Men” (1994)
 
“Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
 
“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” -Author Unknown: “Incredible Hulk” television series based on a comic book, episode 1 (10 March 1978), line spoken by character David Banner (portrayed by actor Bill Bixby)
 
“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it’s with themselves.” -Author Unknown
 
“Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.” -Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 B.C.E. - 8 B.C.E.))
 
“He who angers you conquers you.” -Elizabeth Kenny (1880 - 1952)
 
“You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing that makes him mad.” -Adlai Stevenson (Adlai E. Stevenson (1900 - 1965))
 
“There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’” -Author Unknown
 
“The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.” -Author Unknown (variously attributed to Joseph Joubert or Jacqueline Schiff)
 
“Anger is the only thing to put off till tomorrow.” -Author Unknown: Slovakian proverb
 
“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.” -Lyman Abbott
 
“Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.” -Chuck Norris (Carlos Ray ‘Chuck’ Norris (born in 1940))
 
“Angry people are not always wise.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)
 
“We all boil at different degrees.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
 
“Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.” -George Eliot (pseudonym of Marian Evans Cross, also known as Mary Ann Evans (1819 - 1880))
 
“Anger is not only inevitable, it is necessary. Its absence means indifference, the most disastrous of all human failings.” -Arthur Ponsonby
 
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
 
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” -Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 - 1910))
 
“Explain your anger instead of expressing it, and you will find solutions instead of arguments.” -Author Unknown
 
“Anger manages everything badly.” -Statius
 
“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it . . . don’t allow his anger to become your anger.” -Author Unknown
 
“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” -Marcus Aurelius (also known as Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (C.E. 121 - C.E. 180))
 
“You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.” -Author Unknown
 
“Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” -Aristotle (384 B.C.E. - 322 B.C.E.)
 
“The prudent man does not let his temper boil over lest he get into hot water.” -Author Unknown
 
“Anger is one letter away from danger.” -Eleanor Roosevelt (Anna Eleanor ‘Eleanor’ Roosevelt (1884 - 1962))
 
“Never do anything when you are in a temper, for you will do everything wrong.” -Baltasar Gracián (1601 - 1658)
 
“Nobody ‘makes’ you angry. You ‘decide’ to use anger as a response.” -Author Unknown
 
“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down, and go about business as usual.” -Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012)
 
This is ‘MFOL!’ . . . here to remind the world that people cannot stay mad when they are laughing . . . cognitive dissonance or some such thing . . . who knows . . .
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Apples

5/19/2017

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Picture
Having emerged from the cocoon, the rare apple butterfly is ready to try out its wings.
 
Jack: How do you make an apple turnover?
Jill: Roll it down a hill, silly.
 
Apples Facts
- Apple trees produce apples after the trees are four or five years old.
- Most apple blossoms (flowers) are pink when they open but gradually fade to white.
- Apple trees typically blossom in the spring, with the fruit maturing in the autumn.
- Apples are picked by hand when it is time to gather, or harvest, them.
- Apples are eaten raw and are used to make juice, cider, vinegar, apple sauce, dried apple slices, and many kinds of desserts.
- Apple trees can live for more than one hundred years.
 
Brenda: What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet?
Melinda: A tooty-fruity!
 
According to school tradition, for a period of more than 100 years in the 18th and 19th centuries, the prestigious Yale University (at the time a college) served its students the same supper every night: apple pie.
 
Apples come in a variety of colors from lime green to golden yellow to burgundy and chocolate brown.
 
Jimmy: What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
Jeremy: An outboard apple. (Or an apple on a golf course.)
 
Apple varieties range in size from a little larger than a cherry to as big as a grapefruit. The largest apple ever picked weighed 1.417 kilograms (3 pounds and 2 ounces).
 
The energy from about fifty apple tree leaves is needed to produce one apple. The apples harvested from an average tree can fill 20 bushel-size boxes that weigh 42 pounds each. A bushel of apples will yield 20 to 24 quarts of applesauce. About 36 apples make a gallon of apple cider. Two pounds of apples go into one 9-inch apple pie.
 
Apple: A nutritious lunchtime dessert that children will trade for factory-made cupcakes that some people say are a cause of obesity, diabetes, tooth decay, and nutritional deficiencies.
 
Apple trees can grow to be over 40 feet tall, so orchard owners must buy or rent equipment that can reach those heights at harvest-time. To avoid the cost and complications that come with the equipment, apple orchard owners are starting to grow dwarf apple trees. Their shorter heights make it easier to prune the branches and harvest the apples. The moral of the story is that taller is not always better - often shorter is.
 
The world’s longest continuous length of apple peel was created by the then 16 years of age Kathy Wafler Madison on 16 October 1976 in Rochester, New York, United States of America. It was 52.5272 meters (172 feet and 4 inches) long. She grew up to become a sales manager for an apple tree nursery.
 
Daniel: If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in an orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs to do the same thing?
Samuel: None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
Picture
Everybody likes apples! Animals that eat apples include horses, monkeys, squirrels, chimpanzees, bears, raccoons, rabbits, and possibly you.
 
What are apple peels good for? The peels are a source of substances called ‘antioxidants.’ Antioxidants can help reduce the type of damage to cells that triggers some diseases. An average person’s daily requirement for fiber is 25 grams, and one apple has about five grams of fiber, two-thirds of which is found in the peel. Apples are a good source of the soluble fiber called pectin, which can help lower cholesterol levels.
 
Martin: When is an apple a grouch?
Marvin: When it is a crab apple.

An Apple a Day
 
An apple a day
     Sends the doctor away.
 
Apple in the morning,
     Doctors take warning.
 
Roast apple at night,
     Starves the doctor outright.
 
Eat an apple going to bed,
     Knock a doctor on the head.
 
An apple each day, seven days a week,
     Rosy apple, rosy cheek.
 
-Author Unknown
 
Peach: When is an apple not an apple?
Plum: When it’s a pineapple!
 
An irrational fear of apples is called malusdomesticaphobia. Malusdomesticaphobia is derived from the scientific name for apples, which is ‘Malus domestica’ and the Greek word ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’ The apples are coming to get you! Sorry, we didn’t mean to frighten you. One way to lessen fear is to learn something about what you are fearful of - what would you like to know about apples? It is also possible for a fear of apples to originate with something a person associates with apples. For example, maybe a person was bullied as a child by someone who habitually ate apples, or maybe a person was brought up in extreme poverty, neglect, and abuse, with apples being one of the few available foods, and the person fears returning to live again that part of his or her past.
 
Lucinda: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
Lucille: It keeps everyone away!
 
The apple is known as the supposed forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden. But contrary to common belief, there is no mention of the apple as the forbidden fruit in “The Bible.” The forbidden fruit mentioned in “The Bible” is referred to as the “fruit from the Tree of Knowledge,” with no specification as to which kind of fruit. It was Hugo Van Der Goes who first implicated the apple as the forbidden fruit in C.E. 1470 in his painting, “The Fall of Man.” After that, it became popular to depict the apple as the forbidden fruit. So, the apple is not the fruit that got Adam and Eve into trouble with God. You can safely eat apples without worrying that you are committing a transgression.
 
Bertha: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Bert: Finding only half a worm.
 
The ‘Adam’s apple’ is so-called because of a popular idea that it was created when the forbidden fruit got stuck in Adam’s throat when he swallowed it, causing a visible lump in the throat.
 
Sweet, flavorful, crunchy, colorful apples are a great alternative to candy, chips, soda pop, and other processed, chemically-laden junk foods and junk beverages. An apple will provide you with energy, fill you up, and quench your thirst. Apples contain high levels of boron, which stimulates electrical activity in the brain, increasing mental alertness and improving memory. Apples may not be rich in calcium, but their high level of boron makes them a great food to prevent osteoporosis and strengthen bones. Apples are fat-free, sodium-free, and cholesterol-free. A medium-size apple contains about 80 calories.
 
“Good apple pies are a considerable part of our domestic happiness.” -Jane Austen
 
Apples have five seed pockets, or carpels. Each pocket contains seeds. The number of seeds per carpel is determined by the vigor and health of the plant. Additionally, different varieties of apples can have different numbers of seeds. An average apple contains 10 seeds.
 
Apples contain malic acid, a chemical used in some teeth whitening products, which helps dissolve stains. For more information about this, be sure to ask your dentist on your next visit to his or her office.
 
A man traveling through the country stopped at a roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he commented that they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup.” The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.” “That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?”
 
Inside every apple is a five-pointed star. If you want to see the star, have a responsible grownup cut an apple in half through its girth.
 
The saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” is derived from an old Welsh adage, “To eat an apple before going to bed, will make the doctor beg his bread.” While eating apples does not guarantee good health, they do have amazing nutritional value and recognized health benefits.
Picture
​Where’d you get ‘them’ apples? How about ‘them’ apples?
 
“Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.” -Bernard M. Baruch
 
Commercial grade wax is applied to some apples after they are harvested and cleaned, in an effort to keep out bacteria and slow the ripening process. It also makes them shinier. The waxes are made of natural ingredients.
 
“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” -Martin Luther
 
Let’s consider liquefied apples. The difference between apple juice and apple cider is that apple juice is squeezed from only the usually white flesh of the fruit, while apple cider is squeezed from the whole apple - skin, seeds, stem, and all - which gives it a fuller body and deeper color. Additionally, apple juice is pasteurized (flash heated to reduce the level of active naturally occurring microorganisms) and apple cider is generally not. Freshly pressed apple juice will immediately turn brown upon contact with air because of oxidation; however, a way to prevent this from happening is to add a few drops of lemon juice or lime juice, which helps prevent oxidation. One other liquid made from apples is apple cider vinegar, which is derived from the fermentation (controlled spoilage) of apple mush. Apple cider vinegar is a brownish yellow color.
 
Granny Smith apples were originally cultivated in 1868 by Maria Ann Smith of Eastwood, New South Wales, Australia.
 
Apples for Sale! Apples tend to have names chosen in hopes of making them commercially successful, just as other products have brand names. The ‘Delicious’ variety of apples originally was called ‘Hawkeyes.’ Without doubt the name change makes them more appealing. There are thousands more varieties of apples with great names, including Gala, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith. Even the saying that ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’ might be just a clever way to promote apple-awareness without spending an arm and a leg on advertising.
 
“Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed.” -Robert H. Schuller
 
Archeologists have found evidence that humans have been enjoying apples since at least 6500 B.C.E. Apple trees are thought to have originated in Central Asia between the Caspian Sea and the Black Sea, in the area of present-day Kazakhstan. The only apple variety native to North America is the crabapple. Other varieties of apples were brought to North America by European settlers, who planted orchards all across the continent. The first apple tree in the United States of America was planted in 1620 by pilgrims who traveled from Europe by sea to what was then the Massachusetts Bay Colony. In time, the early settlers would discover that hardy varieties of apples could be successfully grown farther north than most other fruits because apple trees blossom late in the spring, minimizing any frost damage.
 
“Surely the apple is the noblest of fruits.” -Henry David Thoreau: “Wild Apples”
 
A city slicker was driving through the country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner how much his apples were. “All you can pick for one dollar,” said the orchard’s owner. “All right,” said the city slicker. “I’ll take two dollars’ worth.”
 
Johnny Appleseed was the nickname of John Chapman, an American pioneer who planted apple seeds in Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois.
 
Crab apples are small green apples with origins in North America. They are often just a little bigger than a cherry. They are not as popular for eating right off the tree as other varieties of apples are, because crab apples are bitter and tart in flavor and possess hardly any sweetness. However, they still grow wild in many areas, meaning they are often free for the taking. Crab apples can be used to make crab apple jelly for spreading on toast and that can be used in fancy cuisines similar to the way mint jelly is used.
 
The word ‘apple’ is derived from the Old English word ‘aeppel.’ The Celtic word for ‘apple’ is the similar sounding ‘abhall.’
 
More than 7,500 varieties of apples are grown worldwide. The top apple-producing countries are China, the United States, Turkey, Poland, and Italy. The largest importers of apples are Russia, Germany, and the United Kingdom. Apples are available year-around in most areas thanks to bulk transport and climate-controlled warehouses. Apples can be shipped from orchards by truck, train, and cargo ship to warehouses where they are stored at low temperatures for as long as a year, and then the temperature is raised to cause them to ripen shortly before selling them to buyers.
 
A large shiny red apple is a traditional gift a student might bring to a teacher - and the student doesn’t have to wait for Teacher Appreciation Day to do so.
 
About 2,500 varieties of apples are grown in the United States, including 100 varieties that are grown commercially. Apples are grown in all 50 states and commercially in 36 states. The top apple producing states are Washington, New York, Michigan, Pennsylvania, California, and Virginia. Red Delicious is the most popular and most-produced apple in the United States, and Golden Delicious is the second most popular, with Granny Smith coming in third. The apple is the state fruit of Illinois, Minnesota, New York, Vermont, Washington, and West Virginia.
 
Some people claim that apples have a rosy aroma because they come from the Rose family, known as ‘Rosaceae’ or ‘Rosacea.’
 
Apples Quiz
- How are apples harvested, or gathered?
- What are five uses for apples?
- Can you name two animals that eat apples?
 
Bobbing for apples at parties is possible because fresh apples are twenty-five percent air, making them buoyant. Buoyant means they float in water.
 
It is said that the custom of ‘apple polishing’ hails from the little red schoolhouses of yore, when young children whose math skills were less than exemplary sought to win their teacher’s favor instead with a bright, shiny apple. Remember this ditty: An apple for the teacher will always do the trick when you don’t know your lesson in arithmetic.
 
Apples Quiz Answers
- Apples are harvested by hand-picking them off the trees.
- Uses for apples include making cider, juice, vinegar, pies, and snacks.
- Two animals that eat apples are horses and rabbits (and many other animals as well).
 
There are so many apple varieties that if you were to eat an apple a day, it would take you more than 27 years to try them all - and still more new varieties of apples are produced every year.
 
Crunch, crunch - mmm! Now that’s a good apple. Before you join the stampede of people going out to get apples, do you have any apple jokes or apple wisdom to impart? We’re at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
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Law Enforcement and Officers

5/18/2017

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Picture
​The long arm of the law . . . patrolling, watching, pursuing . . . ever vigilant.
 
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
 
Officer of the Law: You broke into the same shoe store three nights in a row - why?
Goldie Locks: Well, the first pair was too big, and the second pair was too tight, but the third pair fit just right!

Item: A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling ‘help’ from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named ‘Help.’
 
Bomb Squad’s Motto: “If you see us running, you had better catch up!”
 
While driving on a highway, a man strummed a guitar he held in his lap. A policeman pulled him over, got out of the police car, and walked over to the driver. “Do you know you’re a menace to the safety of hundreds of people?” the lawman asked. “No,” the driver replied. “How does it go?”
 
“Prisoner, God has given you good abilities, instead of which you go about the country stealing ducks.” -William Arabin
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hans.
Hans, who?
Hans up, you’re under arrest!
 
A man walked into a sheriff’s office and said, “I want to become a deputy!” “Good, I want to you to catch this man” said the sheriff, and handed the man a wanted poster. The poster read, “Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.” “What’s he wanted for?” asked the hopeful young man. “Rustling,” replied the lawman.
 
Police helicopter: The whirlybird that catches the worm.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. “Keep it,” the clerk advised him. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
 
“Abscond, v.i. To ‘move in a mysterious way,’ commonly with the property of another.” -Ambrose Bierce (Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (1842 - 1914)): “The Cynic’s Word Book” (1906; retitled in 1911 as “The Devil’s Dictionary”)
 
A little boy rushed by a policeman. Five minutes later he dashed by again. After he had raced by several times, the policeman stopped him. “What’s the idea, Sonny?” asked the policeman. “Where are you going?” The boy looked up and said, “I’m running away from home.” “If you are running away from home, how come you’ve gone around the block so many times?” “It’s the best I can do,” the little boy said as he sped off again. “My mother won’t let me cross the street.”
 
Maybe there would be less crime on the streets if there was actually something to watch on television?
 
Not Doing Any Harm
 
I was standing on the corner,
Not doing any harm.
Along came a policeman
And took me by the arm.
He took me round the corner,
And he rang a little bell.
Along came a police car
And took me to my cell.
I woke up in the morning
And looked up on the wall.
The cooties and the bedbugs
Were having a game of ball.
The score was six to nothing.
The bedbugs were ahead.
The cooties hit a home run
And knocked me out of bed.
 
-Author Unknown
 
Abraham: Why was the belt sent to jail?
Benjamin: For holding up a pair of pants!
 
Children in Halloween Costumes Foil Robbery! In an unprecedented display of quick thinking, local second graders Terrance McKinley and Jason Lawrence stopped an armed robbery last Saturday, October 31st. The young boys, who wore police officer costumes for Halloween, went trick-or-treating with Mrs. McKinley at the Z & Z corner market. When they entered the store, they saw a masked man at the counter, and brandished their firearms. Terrance screamed, “Halt, in the name of the law!” The offender dropped his gun and put his hands in the air long enough for the cashier in attendance to restrain the criminal. When interviewed, Terrance said, “I thought we were playing cops and robbers.”
 
Police were called to a day care center today, where they encountered a three-year-old who was resisting a rest.
 
Brad: Did you hear about the thief who got arrested for stealing a pig?
Darby: Yes, they caught him when the pig squealed.

A woman was driving on the freeway, and knitting at the same time. A police officer noticed this, drove up alongside her, and shouted, “Pull over!” “No,” she yelled back. “It’s a scarf!”
 
Chloe: What happened to the man who ran away with the circus?
Joey: The police eventually caught up with him and made him give it back.
 
Jules: What is half man and half metal, sleeps on park benches by day, and fights crime by night?
Vern: Hobo-Cop.
 
Two police officers were overheard talking on two-way radios.
Officer One: Okay, I’m at the crime scene. This place is buzzing with flies.
Officer Two: Understood. I’ll request that they send in the S.W.A.T. officers.
 
Lucinda: What’s yellow, plastic, and holds up banks?
Cindy: A robber ducky!
 
The Four Basic Food Groups for Police Officers
1. Glazed.
2. Jelly.
3. Powdered.
4. Chocolate Frosted.
 
“There’s no more crime in New York - there’s nothing left to steal.” -Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
 
In one small rural town, the sheriff also worked as the town’s animal vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?” “Well, do you need him as the sheriff or as the vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”
 
Police One-Liners:
- “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
- “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
- “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
- “You can’t outrun a radio.”
- “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
- “Your life is not my fault.”
- “I’d rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don’t have.”
- “If it’s worth stopping, it’s worth writing up.”
- “The answer to this question will determine whether you are fit to drive or not: Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
- “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step on chewing gum.”
- “Law enforcement is not a spectator sport.”
- “I’m glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”
- “We don’t hire cops in this department; we hire common sense and make cops from it.”
 
Police dog: Canine officer.
 
The police recently arrested a man for selling medicine containing a ‘secret formula,’ which he claimed gave people eternal youth. While going through their files, they noticed it was the fifth time he had been caught for committing the same type of medical fraud. He had previously been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983.
 
Call the Please
 
The Police Department
Changed their garments
And became the Please Department.
And instead of clubs and cuffs,
Saying, “Please,” was quite enough.
“Please stop breaking down that door.”
“Please stop robbing that jewelry store.”
“Please stop smashing that computer.”
“Please stop stealing that motor scooter.”
“Please stop shooting off that gun.”
“Please stop forging checks for fun.”
“Please stop ripping off those tires.”
“Please stop setting things on fire.”
And if they needed more persuasion,
They took ’em down to the Please Station
Where the friendly Chief of Please
Said, “Please, please, please,”
On bended knees,
And they stopped all crime with ease,
By politely saying, “Please.”
So the next time that you’re feeling’ blue,
’Cause someone points a gun at you,
While they’re robbin’ your apartment
Just call your friendly Please Department.
 
-Shel Silverstein (Sheldon Allan ‘Shel’ Silverstein (1930 - 1999)): “Every Thing on It” (20 September 2011), page 133
 
‘Compulsive confessors’ are people who turn themselves in to law enforcement for all kinds of crimes which they have not committed. They are the equivalent to law enforcement officers of hypochondriacs to doctors.
 
If you are ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a low tunnel, onto a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They are trained for that.
 
Percival: Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?
Perry: Yes, he got twelve months.
 
Officer, how could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I have only been driving for 10 minutes?
________________________________________________________
 
What Is a Cop?

Cops are human (believe it or not) just like the rest of us. They come in both sexes but mostly male. They also come in various sizes. This  sometimes depends on whether you are looking for one or trying to hide something. However, they are mostly big.

Cops are found everywhere-on land, on the sea, in the air, on horses, in cars, sometimes in your hair. In spite of the fact that “you can’t find one when you want one,” they are usually there when it counts most. The best way to get one is to pick up the phone.

Cops deliver lectures, babies, and bad news. They are required to have the wisdom of Solomon, the disposition of a lamb and muscles of steel and are often accused of having a heart to match. He’s the one who rings the door-bell, swallows hard and announces the passing of a loved one; then spends the rest of the day wondering why he ever took such a “crummy” job.

On TV, a cop is an oaf who couldn’t find a bull fiddle in a telephone booth. In real life he’s expected to find a little blond boy “about so high” in a crowd of a half million people. In fiction, he gets help from private eyes, reporters, and who-dun-it fans. In real life, mostly all he gets from the public is “I didn’t see nuttin’.”

When he serves a summons, he’s a monster. If he lets you go, he’s a doll. To little kids, he’s either a friend or a bogeyman, depending on how the parents feel about it. He works “around the clock”, split shifts, Sundays and holidays, and it always kills him when a joker says. “Hey tomorrow is Election Day, I’m off, let’s go fishing” ( that’s the day he works 20 hours).

A cop is like the little girl, who, when she was good, was very, very good, but, when she was bad, was horrid. When a cop is good, “he’s getting paid for it.” When he makes a mistake, “he’s a grafter, and that goes for the rest of them too.” When he shoots a stick-up man, he’s a hero, except when the stick-up man is “only a kid, anybody coulda seen that.”

Lots of them have homes, some of them covered with ivy, but most of them covered with mortgages. If he drives a big car, he’s a chiseler; a little car, “who’s he kidding?” His credit is good; this is very helpful, because his salary isn’t. Cops raise lots of kids; most of them belong to other people.

A cop sees more misery, bloodshed, trouble, and sunrises than the average person. Like the postman, cops must also be out in all kinds of weather. His uniform changes with the climate, but his outlook on life remains about the same: mostly a blank, but hoping for a better world.

Cops like days off, vacations, and coffee. They don’t like auto horns, family fights, and anonymous letter writers. They have unions, but they can’t strike. They must be impartial, courteous, and always remember the slogan “At your service.” This is sometimes hard, especially when a character reminds him, “I’m a taxpayer, I pay your salary.”

Cops get medals for saving lives, stopping runaway horses, and shooting it out with the bandits (once in a while his widow gets the medal). But sometimes, the most rewarding moment comes when, after some small kindness to an older person, he feels the warm hand clasp, looks into  grateful eyes  and hears, “Thank you and God bless you, son.”

-Conrad S. Jensen (Conrad Sigurd Jensen (1911 - 2000))
________________________________________________________
 
Angela: Why did the cop run out on the field and arrest the baseball player?
Angus: The baseball player stole second base.
 
The enduring stereotype of the police officer with a donut emerged in the 1940’s and 1950’s, when the only places open during the night shift were donut shops. Donut shops were typically open late at night or very early in the morning as they prepared fresh donuts for the morning rush.
 
Criminals: People who think they have got what it takes to take what you have got.
 
“A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered, ‘Kindergarten!’” -Author Unknown
 
The term ‘cop’ may possibly have originated as an acronym for ‘Constable on Patrol,’ an expression used in England.
 
Tongue twister: The chief of police holds the top cop spot.
 
“The police are not here to create disorder. They’re here to preserve disorder.” -former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

An arrest warrant has been issued for the invisible man. It seems he is wanted for ‘failing to appear’ on previous charges.
 
Oscar: How can you tell traffic cops are happy?
Eric: They whistle while they work.
 
Riddle: A man leaves home and goes to the corner and turns left. He walks to the next corner and turns left, and then makes another left. On his way home, he is confronted by two masked men. Who are the two masked men?
Solution: A catcher and an umpire!
 
A simpleton was traveling cross-country when a state policewoman pulled him over. “You got any i.d.?” the officer asked. “’Bout what?” the simpleton asked.
 
Due to prevention, intervention, invention, and other types of vention, the rate of crime is way down, but it is still a worrisome problem. Do you know any law enforcement fun facts or jokes? Please contact us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com. Thanks, your law-abiding friends at ‘MFOL!’
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Money and Economics

5/17/2017

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Origami, the art and craft of paper folding, is one way to have fun with your money . . . can you think of others?
 
“I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason (Yacov Moshe Moaza (born in 1931))
 
Recession: A period of time when we have to do without things our grandparents never even heard of.
 
“I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” -Joe Louis (Joseph Louis Barrow (1914 - 1981)): as attributed in Connie Robertson: “Book of Humorous Quotations” (1998), page 122
 
Throughout history, people have used cocoa beans, elephants, grain, animal hides, fishhooks, and tea as money. Before standardized money was invented, people bartered. We have 4 nanny goats and 2 jars of pickles - would anyone like to trade us 6 hens, a rooster, and a wheelbarrow for them? (Just kidding - we need to keep our goats because they recycle our garbage, and we ate all the pickles!)
 
“Money may buy the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not the appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; days of joy, but not happiness.” -Henrik Ibsen
 
The United States Bullion Depository at Fort Knox, Kentucky holds 4,578 metric tons of gold. The New York Federal Reserve is even bigger, at 7,000 metric tons. Combined, they hold a staggering 7.5 percent of all the gold ever refined by humans on Earth.
 
“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” -John Paul Getty
 
The oldest known standardized money was small pieces of obsidian (a type of volcanic rock) used by people in ancient Lydia (present-day Turkey) as far back as 12,000 B.C.E. The first coins to have their value printed on them were minted around 600 B.C.E., also in Lydia. The coins were made of electrum, which is an alloy (a mixture of metals) consisting of gold and silver.
 
“If you have money, you are wise and good-looking and you can sing well, too.” -Author Unknown: Yiddish proverb
 
Why is American money green? Ink colors have unique physical characteristics because they contain different ingredients. Green ink was chosen for American dollars because its ingredients make it more resistant to fading, flaking, and discoloration than other colors of ink.
 
Money
 
Is it me or the nature of money
That’s odd and peculiar? Funny,
     But when I have dough
     It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
 
-Author Unknown
 
The bird pictured on the American silver dollar was a real eagle named Peter. From 1830 to 1836, people who worked at the United States Mint adopted him to use as a model for their drawings. When he passed on after getting his wing injured in the coining press, they stuffed him, and he is still on display in the lobby of the mint.
 
“Economists report that in recent years, Jones is having trouble keeping up with himself.” -Author Unknown
 
Worn-out coins are melted down and used to make new coins, and worn-out bills are shredded. In the past, worn out bills were burned into ashes. Now, some shredded bills are recycled into roof shingles and fireplace logs. A farm in Delaware mulches more than four tons of cash into compost every day.
 
“Never buy anything simply because it is expensive.” -Oscar Wilde (Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 - 1900))
 
‘ATM’ is an abbreviation for ‘Automatic Teller Machine’ also known as a ‘cash machine.’ The next time you hear someone say, “I need to go to the ATM machine,” he or she is really saying, “I need to go to the Automatic Teller Machine machine,” saying ‘machine’ twice, which is redundant. There are more than 1.8 million ATM’s in the world, putting an equal or greater number of human bank tellers out of work. There is even an ATM in Antarctica, so now you have a good reason to visit the land of penguins.
 
“Money isn’t everything. It can buy a bed, but not sleep. It can buy a clock, but not time. It can buy you a book, but not knowledge. It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you medicine, but not health.” -Author Unknown
 
“Money is the common denominator to all, yet holds title to nothing.” -Author Unknown
 
Remember, anything that is free is generally worth what you pay for it, which is to say, nothing. Furthermore, it is likely to be just a sneaky attempt to influence your decision making process! So, when someone offers you something for free, say that you cannot accept it unless you pay for it or give something of value in trade for it.
 
The United States Mint is not the only place where money is made. Several organizations and communities within the United States make their own ‘money,’ and you may have used some of it yourself. If you have ever been to a Disney theme park, you have used ‘Disney’ money. ‘Green stamps’ issued by grocers to their customers is another type of ‘money.’ Tokens used for playing video games are a form of money. Many colleges produce their own money for student use, and a few small communities, such as Ithaca, New York make money to encourage spending at local small businesses. People exchange United States cash for organization or community dollars, or they earn them, and then use them to make purchases.
 
“What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.” -Franklin Pierce Adams (1881 - 1960)
 
Some American pennies made in 1982 and all American pennies made after 1982 contain zinc that has been electroplated, or coated, with copper. We have not tested this yet, but some folks say the coins can be mixed with mulch or soil in gardens to repel slugs. The slugs receive an unpleasant electric shock when they touch the copper and zinc combination.
 
“The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.” -Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
 
Many coins have ridges, reeding, grooves, or letterings around their edges to discourage theft. Coins without such protection can have some of the gold, silver, or platinum filed off or shaved off their edges, making the coins slightly smaller, without immediately changing their overall appearance. In the distant past, shavings were collected and sold or were used to make counterfeit coins. While this type of theft is rare in modern times, because most coins are made of less valuable metals, the ridges, reeding, grooves, and letterings on the edges of coins remain as a tradition, and can be a form of readable ‘braille’ for the visually-impaired.
 
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free yearly trip around the Sun, which many people find hard to pass up.
 
The average life of American bills and coins in circulation (in use) is as follows.
- $1 bill: 18 months.
- $5 bill: 2 years.
- $10 bill: 3.5 years.
- $20 bill: 4 years.
- $50 bill: 3.5 years.
- $100 bill: 9 years.
- All coins: 30 years.
 
Overheard: I am having an ‘out of money’ experience.
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​Money does not grow on trees - not even on genetically modified trees . . .
 
It is believed that the Chinese invented paper money, in the 9th century C.E. Its original name was ‘flying money’ because it could easily blow away in the wind. However, they used it just briefly. The first time paper currency was consistently used was by the French in the 18th century.
 
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.” -Author Unknown
 
American dollar bills were first printed in their present size in 1929. All American dollar bills are now 2.625 inches wide by 6.125 inches long (2 and 5/8th inches wide x 6 and 1/8th inches long). American quarter coins are 1 inch in diameter. These are handy facts to know if you need to measure an object but have no ruler with you - just take out your money and use it to measure.
 
“An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.” -Will Rogers (William Penn Adair ‘Will’ Rogers (1879 - 1935))
 
Most of the money in the world today is fiat money, meaning that it is not backed by gold or other precious metals. The term ‘fiat’ comes from the Latin for ‘let it be done.’ Fiat money is accepted because a government declares it official money, and it is backed not by anything of tangible value but only by faith and trust in the government and the citizens.
 
“An economist is a person who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.” -Author Unknown
 
Where was your money before it reached you? Did it travel around the country or did it stay in one town all its life? To find out, visit the money-tracking website www.wheresgeorge.com and enter the serial numbers found on your money.
 
Chrematophobia is a persistent fear of money. Among the sufferers of this phobia, some worry that they might mismanage money. Others worry that money might be ‘the root of all evil.’ Actually, this is a common misunderstanding. The actual quote is, “love of money is the root of all evil.” ‘Chrematophobia’ is derived from the Greek words ‘chrimata’ meaning ‘money’ and ‘phobos’ meaning ‘fear.’
 
“Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.” -John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006)
 
The word ‘cash’ originated in ancient China, where people carried coins in bundles held together by strings, which would have prevented the loss of individual coins. A bundle of one hundred coins was called ‘one cash.’ The Chinese possible got their word for cash from Portugal, where people called their coins ‘caixa’ (pronounced as ‘cash-a’).
 
“If money is your only hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.” -Henry Ford (1863 - 1947)
 
According to several studies, the money people carry in their pockets and purses is truly disgusting stuff. Both bills and coins can have contaminants on them, including pathogens such as salmonella and E.coli. Pathogens are tiny organisms that can be seen only with a microscope, and they can make people sick. To avoid getting sick, always wash your hands after handling money and before handling food, whether you are at home or in a restaurant.

Jacqueline: What is the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a crazy rabbit?
Jacque: One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
 
The mill, equal to one-tenth of a cent, was declared the lowest money of account by the United States Congress in 1786. Sadly, the mill was never minted. It would be a fun coin for numismatists, or coin collectors, to have in their collections, because it might be either really tiny or extremely thin.
 
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in “P. S. I Love You,” compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Junior
 
Some of the finest examples of public art are on the money you carry in your pocket or purse.
 
“You aren’t wealthy until you have something money can’t buy.” -Garth Brooks
 
Though sometimes called ‘paper money,’ American currency is fabric, not paper. It is composed of 25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton, and has tiny red and blue synthetic fibers of different lengths evenly distributed throughout it. If it were paper, it would easily fall apart when you leave it in the pockets of clothes that you put into your washing machine. It is said that many years ago, in Benjamin Franklin’s day, people repaired torn bills with a needle and thread.
 
“A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. It certainly may secure all the myrtle and turkey part of it.” -Jane Austen (1775 - 1817): “Mansfield Park” (1814)
 
The currency most traded around the world, and especially in international transactions, is the American dollar. Other heavily traded currencies are the Eurozone euro, the Japanese yen, and the British pound sterling.
 
“Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.” -Adam Smith (1723 - 1790)
 
The Latin phrase ‘E Pluribus Unum,’ meaning ‘Out of One, Many,’ appearing on American currency, refers to the United States of America being one country made out of many states.
 
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” -Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972): as quoted in the “Observer” (13 April 1958)
 
The word ‘coin’ is from the Latin word ‘cuneus’ meaning ‘wedge,’ because the dye for stamping metal coins was wedge-shaped.
 
The motto ‘In God We Trust’ first appeared on American money between 1864 and 1873 on the two-cent coin. It reappeared in 1955, and in 1963, the motto appeared on American paper currency. ‘In God We Trust’ now appears on all new coins and bills.
 
Witty observation: Some people seem to think they are worth a lot of money simply because they happen to have a lot of money.
 
Has your money been in an unfortunate accident? The Office of Currency Standards will replace damaged money if a person can present at least 51 percent of the note to officials. Every year, the United States Treasury handles around 30,000 claims and redeems mutilated currency valued at over $30 million.
 
“It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.” -George Horace Lorimer
 
A group of Pacific islanders called Yaps once used donut-shaped stones as money. Some stones were as large as 3.66 meters (12 feet) across. We are going to need a larger canoe.
 
Nickel: A dollar with the taxes taken out of it.
 
The word ‘dollar’ is derived from the German word ‘taler,’ an abbreviation of Joachimstaler, a town that was near a silver mine. The silver from the mine was used to make taler, a type of silver coin.
 
He that makes money before he gets wit
Will be but a short while the master of it.
-Thomas Fuller
(‘Wit’ in this instance is interchangeable with ‘wisdom.’)
 
“Spare no expense in making everything as economical as possible.” -Author Unknown
 
The British Queen Elizabeth II holds the record for appearing on more currency than any other person. Her portrait has appeared on the currency of more than 30 different countries.
 
Do you think it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously?
 
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
The country with the worst inflation in the world is Zimbabwe. In 2008, it experienced 6,500,000,000,000,000,000,000 percent inflation.
 
Overheard: I would not say that inflation is making my life impossible, but I am now starving on an income that I used to dream about.
 
Most of money in the world today is not in the form of bills or coins. It exists as ones and zeros in computers at government facilities, as well as at banks, brokerages, and some other businesses.
 
Thrift
 
Use it up,
Wear it out -
Make it do,
Or do without.
 
-Author Unknown
 
“If money does not make you happy, give it back.” -Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)
 
Well, that’s all for puttin’ a little funny in your money and your economic life. We could really make this ‘Money and Economic’ topic add up to something substantial, if only we had a small contribution from you in the form of a joke, a riddle, a short poem, a short story, a fun fact, or a quotation. You can reach us at MakeFunOfLife@mail.com.
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