“After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn’t anything good on TV.” -Author Unknown: “The Onion,” ‘Horoscope’
“There was a show on television the other day that was so old . . . the cowboys were riding dinosaurs.” -Author Unknown
Emma: What was the television doing at the beach?
Lee: Channel surfing.
“Television? The word is half Greek and half Latin. No good will come of this device.” -C. P. Scott (1936)
The television network executives were constantly infuriated by Jay Ward, creator of “The Adventures of Bullwinkle and Rocky” (also known as “The Bullwinkle Show”). He continually pulled off-the-wall stunts on his show. In one episode, he had Bullwinkle tell audience members to pull the knobs off their televisions so that, “We’ll be sure to be with you next week.” 20,000 kids obliged the request. The following week, Bullwinkle told those kids to glue the knobs back on.
“The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.” -Jerry Seinfeld (Jerome Allen ‘Jerry’ Seinfeld (born 1954))
“Television is for appearing on, not looking at.” -Noel Coward
Question: Which television show had characters that lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane in Mockingbird Heights?
Answer: “The Munsters”
‘Laugh tracks’ are also known as ‘canned laughter.’ Many of the laugh tracks now used in television programs, especially sitcoms and talk shows, were recorded in the 1950’s . . . when people still knew how to laugh and had something to laugh about.
“My father hated radio and couldn’t wait for television to be invented so he could hate that, too.” -Peter De Vries (1910 - 1993)
The first television commercial for a toy was in 1946 for Mr. Potato Head.
“Television: An electrical device which, when broken, stimulates conversation.” -Author Unknown
In 1965, BBC TV featured an interview with a professor who had just invented a device called “smellovision.” This miraculous technology allowed viewers to experience directly in their own home aromas produced in the television studio. The professor offered a demonstration by cutting some onions and brewing coffee. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they distinctly experienced these scents as if they were there in the studio with him. Since no aromas were actually being transmitted, whatever these viewers thought they smelled coming out of their TV sets must be chalked up to the power of suggestion.
What kinds of things on television and in movies make you laugh?
Young Lady from Trent
There was a young lady from Trent
Whose TV antenna got bent -
The neighbors went crazy;
Their screens all got hazy,
For instead of receiving, she sent!
by John Etheridge
“Television is about watching a life instead of having one.” -Beth Mazur
“The Brady Bunch is a live action modern fairytale of family. In this context it’s less odd that it’s lasted for over thirty years; and why it may last in some respects as long as Mother Goose!” -Christopher Knight
“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.” -Lily Tomlin (born 1939)
“The story you have just heard is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.” -Author Unknown: “Dragnet” (1949 - 1957)
“Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.” -Laurence J. Peter (Laurence Johnston Peter (1919 - 1990))
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower (Dwight David ‘Ike’ Eisenhower (1890 - 1968))
“You open it with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.” -Rod Serling: one of the intros to the “Twilight Zone” show
“Television contracts the imagination and radio expands it.” -Terry Wogan (born 1938): as quoted in the “Observer” (December 1984) of London
“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.” -Bruce Baum
“Don’t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked, ‘Brightness,’ but it doesn’t work.” -Gallagher (born 1946 as Leo Anthony Gallagher)
“Television is a form of theater - even news ‘shows’ are simply actors who sit in front of cameras and read from edited scripts displayed on teleprompters or other devices. Reality shows are scripted and are just as far from reality as people can get without being permanently institutionalized.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“My husband wanted one of those new big-screen TV’s for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.” -Wendy Liebman
“Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.” -Clive Barnes
Hey, who stole our “TV Guide”?!
“TV - a clever contraction derived from the words ‘Terrible Vaudeville’ . . . we call it a medium because nothing’s well done.” -Goodman Ace: letter to Groucho Marx
“The human race is faced with a cruel choice: get a job or watch daytime television.” -Author Unknown
“I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.” -Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)
“There was a show on television the other day that was so old . . . the cowboys were riding dinosaurs.” -Author Unknown
Emma: What was the television doing at the beach?
Lee: Channel surfing.
“Television? The word is half Greek and half Latin. No good will come of this device.” -C. P. Scott (1936)
The television network executives were constantly infuriated by Jay Ward, creator of “The Adventures of Bullwinkle and Rocky” (also known as “The Bullwinkle Show”). He continually pulled off-the-wall stunts on his show. In one episode, he had Bullwinkle tell audience members to pull the knobs off their televisions so that, “We’ll be sure to be with you next week.” 20,000 kids obliged the request. The following week, Bullwinkle told those kids to glue the knobs back on.
“The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.” -Jerry Seinfeld (Jerome Allen ‘Jerry’ Seinfeld (born 1954))
“Television is for appearing on, not looking at.” -Noel Coward
Question: Which television show had characters that lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane in Mockingbird Heights?
Answer: “The Munsters”
‘Laugh tracks’ are also known as ‘canned laughter.’ Many of the laugh tracks now used in television programs, especially sitcoms and talk shows, were recorded in the 1950’s . . . when people still knew how to laugh and had something to laugh about.
“My father hated radio and couldn’t wait for television to be invented so he could hate that, too.” -Peter De Vries (1910 - 1993)
The first television commercial for a toy was in 1946 for Mr. Potato Head.
“Television: An electrical device which, when broken, stimulates conversation.” -Author Unknown
In 1965, BBC TV featured an interview with a professor who had just invented a device called “smellovision.” This miraculous technology allowed viewers to experience directly in their own home aromas produced in the television studio. The professor offered a demonstration by cutting some onions and brewing coffee. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they distinctly experienced these scents as if they were there in the studio with him. Since no aromas were actually being transmitted, whatever these viewers thought they smelled coming out of their TV sets must be chalked up to the power of suggestion.
What kinds of things on television and in movies make you laugh?
Young Lady from Trent
There was a young lady from Trent
Whose TV antenna got bent -
The neighbors went crazy;
Their screens all got hazy,
For instead of receiving, she sent!
by John Etheridge
“Television is about watching a life instead of having one.” -Beth Mazur
“The Brady Bunch is a live action modern fairytale of family. In this context it’s less odd that it’s lasted for over thirty years; and why it may last in some respects as long as Mother Goose!” -Christopher Knight
“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.” -Lily Tomlin (born 1939)
“The story you have just heard is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.” -Author Unknown: “Dragnet” (1949 - 1957)
“Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.” -Laurence J. Peter (Laurence Johnston Peter (1919 - 1990))
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower (Dwight David ‘Ike’ Eisenhower (1890 - 1968))
“You open it with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.” -Rod Serling: one of the intros to the “Twilight Zone” show
“Television contracts the imagination and radio expands it.” -Terry Wogan (born 1938): as quoted in the “Observer” (December 1984) of London
“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.” -Bruce Baum
“Don’t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked, ‘Brightness,’ but it doesn’t work.” -Gallagher (born 1946 as Leo Anthony Gallagher)
“Television is a form of theater - even news ‘shows’ are simply actors who sit in front of cameras and read from edited scripts displayed on teleprompters or other devices. Reality shows are scripted and are just as far from reality as people can get without being permanently institutionalized.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
“My husband wanted one of those new big-screen TV’s for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.” -Wendy Liebman
“Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.” -Clive Barnes
Hey, who stole our “TV Guide”?!
“TV - a clever contraction derived from the words ‘Terrible Vaudeville’ . . . we call it a medium because nothing’s well done.” -Goodman Ace: letter to Groucho Marx
“The human race is faced with a cruel choice: get a job or watch daytime television.” -Author Unknown
“I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.” -Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)
An estimated one in every four Americans has appeared on television, though most are not shown in close-up facial images. You might be walking down the street, standing in a line, sitting down at a sports or other entertainment event, eating lunch at a sidewalk cafe, or spending a leisurely day at a park. You won’t necessarily know that a camera is trained on you or scanning the area you are in, and in most cases, they don’t need your permission legally to do so. Most likely the video of you will be put into storage as ‘stock footage’ at a television studio, to be used at a later time to illustrate a news story. For example, a news program might do a segment on obesity. Someone will be sent to search through the stock footage until something is found that shows a sidewalk full of people walking. They will then edit the video in order to emphasize the obviously overweight people, and show it while a news commentator reads aloud some statistics or health information. This is just another good reason to always try to be at your best when you are out in public.
Fred: Hey, look, Helen, you’re on TV.
Helen: Fred, that’s ridiculous. I’m standing right over here - how could I possibly be on TV?
Question: Who was the first dog in history to adopt a little boy and to build a time machine?
Answer: Mr. Peabody, in “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.”
What is your favorite television show?
“Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the ‘reception’ was good.” -Author Unknown
“Television is the single greatest threat to communications and connections within a family. You may as well be fifty miles away from the person sitting next to you if you’re both watching television.” -Author Unknown
Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the computer age:
- Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: Why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k.
- Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
- Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
- T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
- The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
- Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be led into a life of crime by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak ‘n’ Spell?
- The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.” -David Frost (David Paradine Frost (1939 - 2013))
“There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.” -Rod Serling: one of the intros to the “Twilight Zone” show
“Whoever controls the media - the images - controls the culture.” -Allen Ginsberg
[Television] “. . . won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” -Darryl F. Zanuck (1946)
TV announcer: “Our regularly scheduled program will not be seen tonight - because we’ve discovered that not broadcasting anything did better in the ratings than the program itself!”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” -Groucho Marx (Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx (1890 - 1977))
“All television is educational television. The question is: What is it teaching?” -Nicholas Johnson
“Television programming: Material that fills the time between commercials.” -Author Unknown
“There is a lot of hype going on about high-definition television. But is it really worth it to pay more money to see the same junk in sharper detail?” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)
Question: How many channels are on a VHF TV dial?
Answer: 12 (there is no #1).
“The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.” -T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888 - 1965))
“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” -Frank Lloyd Wright (born Frank Lincoln Wright (1867 - 1959))
“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time or dreaming.” -Lee De Forest (1926)
“Television, a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.” -Ernie Kovacs (1919 - 1962)
“Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.” -Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)
We control your horizontal . . . we control your vertical . . . we are . . . television executives. So they’re who’s responsible . . .
My TV’s Under the Weather
My TV came down with a chill.
As soon as I saw it was ill
I wrapped up its channels
In warm Winter flannels
And gave its antenna a pill.
by Willard R. Espy
The Society for the Eradication of Television (SET) no longer exists, and Couch Potatoes likewise is defunct, so some of us must organize to eradicate the beastly television hobgoblin monster thing before it turns us all into gelatinous masses with non-functioning legs and bloodshot eyes. Who will go forth to slay the dragon? Will it be you? How about you? You, over there, can you do it? Hey, can somebody get us some fresh batteries for the remote?
“The best show on TV can usually be found on the OFF channel.” -Author Unknown
Quiz Show Questions and Answers
Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon.
An item of clothing worn by the “Three Musketeers?” A horse.
Something you wear on a beach? A deck-chair.
Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine? A bicycle with wings.
A famous bridge? “The Bridge over Troubled Waters.”
Something people might be allergic to? Skiing.
Something you put on walls? A roof.
Something slippery? A con-man.
A food that can be brown or white? A potato.
“I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.” -Jack Paar (Jack Harold Paar (1918 - 2004)): as quoted in “TV Guide”
“Television has proven that people will look at anything rather than each other.” -Ann Landers
“Late night T.V. is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.” -James Dent
“The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television.” -Andrew Ross
In the United States of America, federal law states that children’s television shows may contain only 10 minutes of advertising per hour and on weekends the limit is 10 and one-half minutes.
“There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, seems to offer more entertainment possibilities than the TV set.” -Harriet Van Horne
“If television shows continue the way they’re going, the public will soon be demanding longer commercials.” -Author Unknown
“There is an educational channel. It’s called ‘off.’” -Lily Henderson: remark made at 11 years of age
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
-Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (1964)
Just remember, children and adults, watching television is bad for your intellect, causes muscles to atrophy, makes imaginations shrivel, and is a leading cause of suffering in relationships . . . so instead hang out on MFOL! . . . or, even better, go outside and play . . . with your friends, your family, or your imagination . . .
Fred: Hey, look, Helen, you’re on TV.
Helen: Fred, that’s ridiculous. I’m standing right over here - how could I possibly be on TV?
Question: Who was the first dog in history to adopt a little boy and to build a time machine?
Answer: Mr. Peabody, in “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.”
What is your favorite television show?
“Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the ‘reception’ was good.” -Author Unknown
“Television is the single greatest threat to communications and connections within a family. You may as well be fifty miles away from the person sitting next to you if you’re both watching television.” -Author Unknown
Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the computer age:
- Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: Why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k.
- Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
- Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
- T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
- The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
- Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be led into a life of crime by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak ‘n’ Spell?
- The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.” -David Frost (David Paradine Frost (1939 - 2013))
“There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.” -Rod Serling: one of the intros to the “Twilight Zone” show
“Whoever controls the media - the images - controls the culture.” -Allen Ginsberg
[Television] “. . . won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” -Darryl F. Zanuck (1946)
TV announcer: “Our regularly scheduled program will not be seen tonight - because we’ve discovered that not broadcasting anything did better in the ratings than the program itself!”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” -Groucho Marx (Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx (1890 - 1977))
“All television is educational television. The question is: What is it teaching?” -Nicholas Johnson
“Television programming: Material that fills the time between commercials.” -Author Unknown
“There is a lot of hype going on about high-definition television. But is it really worth it to pay more money to see the same junk in sharper detail?” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)
Question: How many channels are on a VHF TV dial?
Answer: 12 (there is no #1).
“The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.” -T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888 - 1965))
“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” -Frank Lloyd Wright (born Frank Lincoln Wright (1867 - 1959))
“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time or dreaming.” -Lee De Forest (1926)
“Television, a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.” -Ernie Kovacs (1919 - 1962)
“Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.” -Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)
We control your horizontal . . . we control your vertical . . . we are . . . television executives. So they’re who’s responsible . . .
My TV’s Under the Weather
My TV came down with a chill.
As soon as I saw it was ill
I wrapped up its channels
In warm Winter flannels
And gave its antenna a pill.
by Willard R. Espy
The Society for the Eradication of Television (SET) no longer exists, and Couch Potatoes likewise is defunct, so some of us must organize to eradicate the beastly television hobgoblin monster thing before it turns us all into gelatinous masses with non-functioning legs and bloodshot eyes. Who will go forth to slay the dragon? Will it be you? How about you? You, over there, can you do it? Hey, can somebody get us some fresh batteries for the remote?
“The best show on TV can usually be found on the OFF channel.” -Author Unknown
Quiz Show Questions and Answers
Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon.
An item of clothing worn by the “Three Musketeers?” A horse.
Something you wear on a beach? A deck-chair.
Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine? A bicycle with wings.
A famous bridge? “The Bridge over Troubled Waters.”
Something people might be allergic to? Skiing.
Something you put on walls? A roof.
Something slippery? A con-man.
A food that can be brown or white? A potato.
“I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.” -Jack Paar (Jack Harold Paar (1918 - 2004)): as quoted in “TV Guide”
“Television has proven that people will look at anything rather than each other.” -Ann Landers
“Late night T.V. is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.” -James Dent
“The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television.” -Andrew Ross
In the United States of America, federal law states that children’s television shows may contain only 10 minutes of advertising per hour and on weekends the limit is 10 and one-half minutes.
“There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, seems to offer more entertainment possibilities than the TV set.” -Harriet Van Horne
“If television shows continue the way they’re going, the public will soon be demanding longer commercials.” -Author Unknown
“There is an educational channel. It’s called ‘off.’” -Lily Henderson: remark made at 11 years of age
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
-Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (1964)
Just remember, children and adults, watching television is bad for your intellect, causes muscles to atrophy, makes imaginations shrivel, and is a leading cause of suffering in relationships . . . so instead hang out on MFOL! . . . or, even better, go outside and play . . . with your friends, your family, or your imagination . . .
