Television

“It’s a good thing television shows are so awful; otherwise, some of us would spend our entire lives watching television.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
 
“The television and I have the world’s best relationship, because we see each other every day and I am pretty sure it loves me as much as I love it.” -Author Unknown
 
“The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.” -Jerry Seinfeld (Jerome Allen ‘Jerry’ Seinfeld  (born 1954))
 
“Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.” -Laurence J. Peter (Laurence Johnston Peter (1919 - 1990))
 
“My father hated radio and couldn’t wait for television to be invented so he could hate that, too.” -Peter De Vries (1910 - 1993)
 
“Have you ever noticed that TV families never watch TV?” -Henny Youngman (Henry ‘Henny’ Youngman (1906 - 1998))
 
“Time has convinced me of one thing: television is for appearing on, not for looking at.” -Noël Coward (Noël Pierce Coward (1899 - 1973))
 
“Television is about watching a life instead of having one.” -Beth Mazur
 
In 1965, BBC TV featured an interview with a professor who had just invented a device called ‘smellovision.’ This miraculous technology allowed viewers to experience directly in their own home aromas produced in the television studio. The professor offered a demonstration by cutting some onions and brewing coffee. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they distinctly experienced these scents as if they were there in the studio with him. Since no aromas were actually being transmitted, whatever these viewers thought they smelled coming out of their TV sets must be chalked up to the power of suggestion.
 
“People only know what they see on TV.” -Carmello Anthony
 
“Television is the single greatest threat to communications and connections within a family. You may as well be fifty miles away from the person sitting next to you if you’re both watching television.” -Author Unknown
 
“The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’” -Author Unknown
 
“Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy.” -Richard M. Nixon (Richard Milhous Nixon (1913 - 1994))
 
“I may have made a lot of bad decisions in life, but at least I don’t watch daytime television.” -Andy Borowitz
 
“Whoever controls the media - the images - controls the culture.” -Allen Ginsberg (Irwin Allen Ginsberg (1926 - 1997))
 
“As long as there’s a jingle in your head, TV isn’t free.” -Jason Love
 
“The one function that TV news performs very well is that, when there is no news, we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.” -David Brinkley (1920 - 2003)
 
“When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about close relationships.” -Andy Warhol
 
“Imagine what it would be like if TV were actually good. It would be the end of everything we know.” -Marvin Minsky
 
“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.” -Johnny Carson (John William ‘Johnny’ Carson (1925 - 2005))
 
“After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn’t anything good on TV.” -Author Unknown: “The Onion,” ‘Horoscope’
 
Emma: What was the television doing at the beach?
Lee: Channel surfing.
 
“Television? The word is half Latin and half Greek. No good can come of it.” -C. P. Scott (Charles Prestwich Scott (1846 - 1932))
 
The English word television is derived from the Greek word ‘tele’ meaning ‘far’ or ‘at a distance’ and the Latin word ‘visio’ meaning ‘sight.’

“There was a show on television the other day that was so old . . . the cowboys were riding dinosaurs.” -Author Unknown
 
‘Laugh tracks’ are also known as ‘canned laughter.’ Many of the laugh tracks now used in television programs, especially sitcoms and talk shows, were recorded in the 1950’s . . . when people still knew how to laugh - and had something to laugh about.
 
“We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg’s great invention had been directed at printing only comic books.” -Robert M. Hutchins
 
Young Lady from Trent
 
There was a young lady from Trent
Whose TV antenna got bent -
     The neighbors went crazy;
     Their screens all got hazy,
For instead of receiving, she sent!
 
by John Etheridge
 
“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.” -Lily Tomlin (born 1939)
 
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.” -Dwight D. Eisenhower (Dwight David ‘Ike’ Eisenhower (1890 - 1968))
 
“Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.” -Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)
 
“The average American family has no time for television; people must sit and keep their eyes glued on a screen.” -Author Unknown: as quoted in the “New York Times” (1939) newspaper
 
“TV - a clever contraction derived from the words ‘Terrible Vaudeville’ . . . we call it a medium because nothing’s well done.” -Goodman Ace (Goodman Aiskowitz (1899 - 1982)): letter to Groucho Marx

“I don’t watch television. I know better than that.” -Tom Baker
 
“My husband wanted one of those new big-screen TV’s for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.” -Wendy Liebman (born 1961)
 
“The story you have just heard is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.” -Author Unknown: “Dragnet” (1949 - 1957)
 
“Don’t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked, ‘Brightness,’ but it doesn’t work.” -Gallagher (born 1946 as Leo Anthony Gallagher)
 
What kinds of things on television and in movies make you laugh?
 
“The human race is faced with a cruel choice: get a job or watch daytime television.” -Author Unknown
 
“You open it with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.” -Rod Serling (Rodman Edward Serling (1924 - 1975)): one of the intros to the “Twilight Zone” show
 
“Television contracts the imagination and radio expands it.” -Terry Wogan (born 1938): as quoted in the “Observer” (December 1984) of London
 
World Television Day is observed on 21 November of each year.
 
“I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.” -Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)
 
“Television is the triumph of machine over people.” -Fred Allen (born John Florence Sullivan (1894 - 1956))
 
“I never thought television would or could be a long-term commitment.” -Jimmy Smits
 
An estimated one in every four Americans has appeared on television, though most are not shown in close-up facial images. You might be walking down the street, standing in a line, sitting down at a sports or other entertainment event, eating lunch at a sidewalk cafe, or spending a leisurely day at a park. You won’t necessarily know that a camera is trained on you or scanning the area you are in, and in most cases, they don’t need your permission legally to do so. Most likely the video of you will be put into storage as ‘stock footage’ at a television studio, to be used at a later time to illustrate a news story. For example, a news program might do a segment on obesity. Someone will be sent to search through the stock footage until something is found that shows a sidewalk full of people walking. They will then edit the video in order to emphasize the obviously overweight people, and show it while a news commentator reads aloud some health statistics. This is just another good reason to always try to be at your best when you are out in public.
 
Fred: Hey, look, Helen, you’re on TV.
Helen: Fred, that’s ridiculous. I’m standing right over here - how could I possibly be on TV?
 
What is your favorite television show?
 
“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.” -David Frost (David Paradine Frost (1939 - 2013))
 
“Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the ‘reception’ was good.” -Author Unknown
 
“Not more than ten percent of the population will take up television permanently.” -Raymond Postgate (1935)
 
“Television won’t last because people will get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” -Darryl F. Zanuck (Darryl Francis Zanuck (1902 - 1979)) (1946)
 
“Cathode-ray tubes are the most important items in a television receiver.” -John Logie Baird
 
TV announcer: “Our regularly scheduled program will not be seen tonight because we’ve discovered that not broadcasting anything did better in the ratings than the program itself!”
 
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” -Groucho Marx (Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx (1890 - 1977))
 
“All television is educational television. The question is: What is it teaching?” -Nicholas Johnson (born 1934)
 
“Television programs: The junk that fills the time between commercials.” -Author Unknown
 
“There is a lot of hype going on about high-definition television. But is it really worth it to pay more money to see the same junk in sharper detail?” -Thomas Sowell (born 1930)
 
“Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.” -Fred Allen (born John Florence Sullivan (1894 - 1956))
 
“The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.” -T. S. Eliot (Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888 - 1965))
 
“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” -Frank Lloyd Wright (born Frank Lincoln Wright (1867 - 1959))
 
“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time or dreaming.” -Lee de Forest (1873 - 1961) (1926)
 
Question: What is a British cow’s favorite sci-fi television program?
Answer: Dr. Moo.
 
“Television is a new medium. It’s called a medium because nothing is well-done.” -Fred Allen (born John Florence Sullivan (1894 - 1956)): “The Big Show” (17 December 1950) radio program
 
My TV’s Under the Weather
 
My TV came down with a chill.
As soon as I saw it was ill
     I wrapped up its channels
     In warm Winter flannels
And gave its antenna a pill.
 
by Willard R. Espy (Willard Richardson Espy (1910 - 1999))
 
“Reality shows are fake and are just as far from reality as people can get without being permanently institutionalized.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
 
The Society for the Eradication of Television (SET) no longer exists, and Couch Potatoes likewise is defunct, so some of us must organize to eradicate the beastly television hobgoblin monster thing before it turns us all into gelatinous masses with non-functioning legs and permanently bloodshot eyes. Who will go forth to slay the dragon? Will it be you? How about you? You, over there, can you do it? Hey, can somebody get us some fresh batteries for the remote?
 
“The best show on TV can usually be found on the OFF channel.” -Author Unknown
 
“Television has proven that people will look at anything rather than each other.” -Ann Landers (pseudonym of Esther Pauline Friedman ‘Eppie’ Lederer (1918 - 2002))
 
“I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.” -Jack Paar (Jack Harold Paar (1918 - 2004)): as quoted in “TV Guide”
 
“Cable TV is now evenly divided between shows about preparing food and shows about losing weight.” -Andy Borowitz
 
“Television: An electrical device which, when broken, stimulates conversation.” -Author Unknown
 
“The only thing television ever did for me was to give me a stiff neck.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
 
“There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, seems to offer more entertainment possibilities than the TV set.” -Harriet Van Horne (1920 - 1998)
 
“If television shows continue the way they’re going, the public will soon be demanding longer commercials.” -Author Unknown
 
“The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television.” -Andrew Ross
 
“There is an educational channel. It’s called ‘off.’” -Lily Henderson: remark made at 11 years of age
 
“Late night T.V. is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.” -James Dent
 
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
     Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
     A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
-Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990): “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (1964)
 
We are MFOL! . . . for people who know there is more to life than what is shown on television screens . . . as for example, what’s coming up next . . .