Telephones

​Cell phones are turning people everywhere into downward-facing zombies . . .
 
A man called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered the telephone said, “Bob will be on vacation for the next two weeks. Would you like to hold?”
 
Patrick: Why did old Mrs. Crow have such a huge phone bill?
Patricia: She made many long distance caws.
 
In the late 1930’s, Abe Pickens of Cleveland, Ohio, United States of America, attempted to promote world peace by placing personal calls to various national leaders. He managed to contact Mussolini, Hirohito, Franco, and Hitler (Hitler did not understand English and transferred him to an aide). He spent $10,000 on telephone calls in an effort to bring about world peace.
 
Caller: I would like the number for a Reverend in Marysville, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
 
Mrs. Rogers picked up the phone to hear an anguished voice on the other end of the line saying, “Ma, this has been the worst day of my life. I am going crazy. The kids are all sick and home from school. I haven’t a thing in the house. I have a doctor’s appointment. I’m going out of my mind!” “I’ll come over,” Mrs. Rogers said, “but I don’t know why Robert can’t take care of the kids.” “Who’s Robert?” “Your husband.” “My husband’s name is William.” “You must have the wrong number.” “Oh . . . does this mean you’re not coming over?”
 
Caller: I would like the number of the Argoed Fish Café in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I am sorry, there is no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Café, but the B fell off.
 
How far do you have to stand from a telephone to make a long-distance call?
 
The first telephone conversation happened between two people who were just 18 feet apart - you might say it was a close call.
 
Suggested Recordings for Voice Mail and Answering Machines
- Glad you called but I just am not able to entertain you right now. However, if you are offering to buy dinner, I may be available sooner than you think. Don’t forget to leave your name and number so I don’t get mixed up with different offers and go to the wrong restaurant. Bye.
- Hello, this is Beulah’s toaster. Beulah’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done . . . cachunk!
- Hello. This is Ron. I am home right now but I cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
- Hi, I am not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
- Hi, this is Arthur’s answering machine. He is not here, so speak freely at the beep.
- Hi. Now you say something.
- T is for turkey, D is for deer. One of those reasons is why we are not here. So leave a message at the beep.
-This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
 
Darcy: Why there are so many people named Smith in the phone book?
Craig: They all have phones.
 
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Did you know that you can play tunes by pushing the buttons on a telephone? All you need to do is call a friend and push the numbered buttons as shown.
 
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Row, row, row your boat
4, 4, 4, 8, 6
Gent-ly down the stream
6, 2, 6, 9, #
Mer-ri-ly mer-ri-ly
#, #, #, 0, 0, 0
Life is but a dream.
6, 2, 2, 1, 1
 
London Bridge
Lon-don Bridge is fall-ing down
6, 9, 6, 8, 7, 8, 6
Fall-ing down fall-ing down
1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9
Lon-don Bridge is fall-ing down
6, 9, 6, 8, 7, 8, 6
My fair la-day
8, 6, 0, 4
 
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​  
“If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” -James Thurber
 
“Information. Can I help you?”
“I’d like the telephone number of the Theater Guild, please.”
“One moment, please . . . I’m sorry, sir, I have no listing for Theodore Guild.”
“No, no, it isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s ‘Theater Guild’.”
“I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.”
“Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater! T-h-e-a-t-e-r!”
“That, sir, is not the way Theodore is spelled.”
 
Riddle: I have a ring, but no finger - what am I?
Solution: A telephone.
 
The first bathtub came in 1850. The telephone was not invented until 1876. A lucky gal or guy could have spent twenty-six years in the bathtub without the telephone ringing once!
 
If you are in the United States of America or Canada, free wakeup calls are available from http://www.wakeupdialer.com/. Type in your telephone number and wakeup time, and the service will wake you with a ring. Don’t thank us, thank them!
 
“How does the phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don’t pick it up and do a cartwheel and a somersault.” -Larry Miller
 
Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water
 
“One person’s wrong number is another person’s phone number.” -Author Unknown
 
John: What do you get if you cross a telephone and a dog?
Nadia: A Golden Receiver.
 
“Your cell phone has replaced your watch, camera, etc. Don’t let it replace your friends and family.” -Author Unknown
 
“For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.” -Author Unknown

​A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?” “Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Thank goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
 
More Suggested Recordings for Answering Machines and Voice Mail
- Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just ran away with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
- Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand, mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
- You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My humans do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
- We’re not home, we’re rarely home,
And when we’re home, we’re on the phone,
So please leave a message at the tone!
- Hi! Cassi’s answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I will stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
 
A woman was being swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a toll-free 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” The company got a new number the next day.
 
Caller: I would like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.
 
“Uneasy lies the head that ignores a telephone call late at night.” -William Feather (1889 - 1981): “The Business of Life” (1949)
 
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell’s laboratory. An exciting new discovery is about to take place. In the next room sits Bell’s assistant, a man named Watson, hard at work on Bell’s new invention to transmit sound over wires. As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, it suddenly rings - it must be Bell! He picked it up, and heard: “Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?” 
 
“Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.” -Author Unknown
 
The next time you try to call someone and their answering machine or voice mail greets you and asks you to leave a message, have a little fun with them. For example, say, “Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? I’m trapped inside your phone. It’s cold and dark in here, and I’m hungry and scared. I’ve got to get out of here. Please, please, help me!”
 
“I finally realized it . . . People are prisoners of their phones. That’s why they are called cell phones.” -Author Unknown
 
More than 50 percent of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. They depend on face-to-face live-in-person communication instead. If only the rest of us could be so fortunate!
 
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes . . . that would be the one.
 
In Icelandic phone books, people are listed by their first names and not their surnames, or last names.
 
We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees, divide by zero, and try again.
 
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Eletelephony                     
 
Once there was an elephant,
     Who tried to use the telephant -
No! No! I mean an elephone
     Who tried to use the telephone -
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
     That even now I’ve got it right.)
 
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
     Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
     The louder buzzed the telephee -
(I fear I’d better drop the song
     Of elephop and telephong!)           
 
by Laura Richards (Laura Elizabeth Richards (1850 - 1943))
 
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‘Telephone’ is derived from the Greek words ‘tele’ meaning ‘at a distance’ and ‘phonos’ meaning ‘sound.’ A telephone is an electronic apparatus that originally allowed people to send and receive sounds over a distance, and which now also allows people to send and receive text in text messages, sound recordings such as music, and images such as photographs.
 
You could answer the telephone with, “Hello.” However, you could also answer the telephone with, “Yellow,” and most people would simply regard you as having a ‘colorful’ regional dialect or accent.
 
Telepathy: A condition caused by talking too much on telephones.
 
In the first month of the Bell Telephone Company’s existence in 1877, only six telephones were sold. The first telephone book, made in 1878, contained only 50 names. Fast-forward to the present, when the world in which we live is essentially a very large telephone company.
 
Riddle: What do you call a rhinoceros in a telephone booth?
Solution: Stuck!
 
Nomophobia is a persistent fear of being out of mobile phone contact . . . and we had always thought it referred to a fear of gnomes . . . those terrifying and yet annoying little figures . . .
 
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Emergency Use Tips for Cell Phones
 
Your cell phone can actually be an aid to survival in serious emergencies.
 
The emergency number worldwide for cell phones is 112. If you find yourself outside of the coverage area of your cellular network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the service will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and the number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
 
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? If you lock your keys in the car, and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the cell phone on their end. Your car will unlock. This saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object; you could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ‘remote’ for your car, you can unlock the doors, or the trunk, if you should somehow become locked inside it.
 
Your cell phone has hidden battery power. When your cell phone battery is very low, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve, and will show a fifty percent increase in battery strength. This reserve will be recharged the next time your charge your cell phone.
 
To disable a stolen cell phone, first find your cell phone’s serial number, by keying in the following digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. If your phone is ever stolen, you can call your cell phone service provider and give them this code. They can block your handset so that even if a thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be completely useless. You probably will not get your stolen phone back, but at least you know that the person who stole it will not be able to use it or sell it. If everyone did this, there would be no point in people stealing cell phones.
 
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The first transatlantic wedding took place on 2 December 1933. The groom was in Michigan. The bride was in Sweden. The ceremony took seven minutes and cost $47.50.
 
“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’” -Tim Vine (Timothy Mark ‘Tim’ Vine (born 1967))
 
The dial tone of a typical telephone is in the key of ‘F.’
 
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine . . . except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!
 
There are hundreds of millions of telephones in the world, so when you dial a number right in two tries, you are not doing badly at all.
 
Caller: I would like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I cannot find a town called ‘Woven.’ Are you sure of the name?
Caller: Yes. That’s what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
 
“Telephones [will] bring peace on Earth, eliminate Southern accents, and save the farm by making farmers less lonely.” -Author Unknown: printed in “The Wall Street Journal” (1995) ‘Century-old Pronouncements’
 
Are you receiving too many telemarketer calls? In the United States, call the Do Not Call Registry at 1-888-382-1222 or go to www.donotcall.gov. If you do not wish to be called by telemarketers, call the preceding number from the cell phone or landline phone you want to have placed on the Do Not Call Registry. Telephone numbers must be re-registered every five years, and people may continue to receive calls from politicians and pollsters, who are exempt from the registry.
 
“We can hardly realize now the blissful quietude of the pre-telephone epoch.” -Norman Douglas (George Norman Douglas (1868 - 1952))
 
Ring, ring . . . Hello? Hello? Is anybody out there?