When considering career options, do not overlook the possibility of becoming a pirate. To learn more about this potentially lucrative field of work and to find out if a pirate’s life might be right for you, simply continue reading . . .
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Davy: What did the pirate say when he was marooned in Antarctica?
Dugie: Well, shiver me timbers!
Jenny: What do pirates wear on their feet?
Johnny: Arrrrrr-gyle socks.
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Most people only see fancy ‘made for the movies’ pirates. What could you expect from a real pirate? A real pirate would be wearing filthy rags and have the dreaded scurvy, and because we would not want to disgust you by showing you such a person, we won’t! Now let’s all make pirate noises. Rrr! Arrr! Rrr-rrr-rrr!
Rich: What are pirates afraid of?
Rick: The darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
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Clark: Why can you not take a picture of a pirate with a wooden leg?
Kent: Because a wooden leg does not take pictures!
Amelia: How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook-hand?
Emily: An arm and a leg!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Anatomy And Physiology Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A man went to the employment office looking for work. He was told that he could have the part of Long John Silver in a new movie version of “Treasure Island.” “That’s marvelous!” said the man. “How much will I be paid?” “Ten thousand dollars a week,” was the reply. “Great!” said the man. “So do I start acting on Monday?” “Oh, no,” said the clerk. “On Monday, you’re having your leg amputated.”
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Davy: What did the pirate say when he was marooned in Antarctica?
Dugie: Well, shiver me timbers!
Jenny: What do pirates wear on their feet?
Johnny: Arrrrrr-gyle socks.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Socks And Stockings Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Most people only see fancy ‘made for the movies’ pirates. What could you expect from a real pirate? A real pirate would be wearing filthy rags and have the dreaded scurvy, and because we would not want to disgust you by showing you such a person, we won’t! Now let’s all make pirate noises. Rrr! Arrr! Rrr-rrr-rrr!
Rich: What are pirates afraid of?
Rick: The darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Fears And Courage Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Clark: Why can you not take a picture of a pirate with a wooden leg?
Kent: Because a wooden leg does not take pictures!
Amelia: How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook-hand?
Emily: An arm and a leg!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Anatomy And Physiology Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A man went to the employment office looking for work. He was told that he could have the part of Long John Silver in a new movie version of “Treasure Island.” “That’s marvelous!” said the man. “How much will I be paid?” “Ten thousand dollars a week,” was the reply. “Great!” said the man. “So do I start acting on Monday?” “Oh, no,” said the clerk. “On Monday, you’re having your leg amputated.”
Agatha: What does a fancy pirate add to his dinner?
Agnes: A garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnish!
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William The Crook
A pirate named William the Crook,
Serves his crew with his gigantic hook,
“I impale some marshmallows,
Toast them up for the fellows,
Make some cocoa, and read them a book.”
By Author Unknown
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Marty: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Morty: A buccaneer.
Morris: Where do pirates keep their cookies?
Morton: In cookie jarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!
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Martin: What is a buccaneer?
Mortimer: What pirates pay for corn these days.
Pirates: No-good people who most assuredly arrive at a no-good end.
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Real-life pirates are murderous, thieving, low-life criminal scum who steal ships and have historically met their end on the hangman’s noose, and in more recent times have been sent to filthy, overcrowded, rat-infested prisons for the remainder of their miserable days, but we will have some fun at their expense nonetheless.
Tabitha: Why did the pirate walk into the ship’s mast?
Timothy: Because he was wearing his eye patch on the wrong eye.
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Brent: What do pirates think of the letter ‘s’?
Brock: They think it’s really s’curvey!
Agnes: A garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnish!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Mealtimes And Eating Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
William The Crook
A pirate named William the Crook,
Serves his crew with his gigantic hook,
“I impale some marshmallows,
Toast them up for the fellows,
Make some cocoa, and read them a book.”
By Author Unknown
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Limericks Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Marty: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Morty: A buccaneer.
Morris: Where do pirates keep their cookies?
Morton: In cookie jarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Cookies Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Martin: What is a buccaneer?
Mortimer: What pirates pay for corn these days.
Pirates: No-good people who most assuredly arrive at a no-good end.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Daffynitions And Definitions Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Real-life pirates are murderous, thieving, low-life criminal scum who steal ships and have historically met their end on the hangman’s noose, and in more recent times have been sent to filthy, overcrowded, rat-infested prisons for the remainder of their miserable days, but we will have some fun at their expense nonetheless.
Tabitha: Why did the pirate walk into the ship’s mast?
Timothy: Because he was wearing his eye patch on the wrong eye.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Accidents And Safety Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Brent: What do pirates think of the letter ‘s’?
Brock: They think it’s really s’curvey!
Forget about the treasure chests shown in pretend pirate movies - the one shown above is how a real treasure chest would have looked. What, is it not glamorous enough for the likes of you? Aaarrr, well, suit yourself. If by chance you want to see what an authentic pirate chest would have held inside, continue reading and you will soon come to a picture of real pirate loot, shown further below.
Bucky: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
Skippy: They think, therefore they arrr.
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A Bold Pirate Of Boulder
There was a bold pirate of Boulder
Whose cutlass was slung from his shoulder.
He’d mighty fine notions
Of plundering oceans,
But his mom said, “Perhaps when you’re older.”
By Graham Lester at https://grahamlester.webs.com/index.htm
Annette: Where do pirates park their ships?
Nettie: In the harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbor!
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Tucker: What goes, “99-thump, 99-thump?”
Tyler: A pirate centipede with a wooden leg.
Merrill: What is a pirate’s second favorite type of transportation?
Marla: A carrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
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Astor: Why are pirates called pirates?
Reed: They just arrrrrr!
Pearl: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced for earrings?
Cora: A buccaneer!
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Jered: What do pirates learn in pirate school?
Jeremy: The three “Aaarrrrrrs!”
Bucky: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
Skippy: They think, therefore they arrr.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Philosophy And Philosophies Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A Bold Pirate Of Boulder
There was a bold pirate of Boulder
Whose cutlass was slung from his shoulder.
He’d mighty fine notions
Of plundering oceans,
But his mom said, “Perhaps when you’re older.”
By Graham Lester at https://grahamlester.webs.com/index.htm
Annette: Where do pirates park their ships?
Nettie: In the harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbor!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Ships And Sailors Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Tucker: What goes, “99-thump, 99-thump?”
Tyler: A pirate centipede with a wooden leg.
Merrill: What is a pirate’s second favorite type of transportation?
Marla: A carrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
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Astor: Why are pirates called pirates?
Reed: They just arrrrrr!
Pearl: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced for earrings?
Cora: A buccaneer!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Money Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Jered: What do pirates learn in pirate school?
Jeremy: The three “Aaarrrrrrs!”
This pirate treasure may not be much to look at, but to a real pirate, it is the stuff of dreams. Up until quite recent times, coins were basically lumps of metal such as silver, copper, gold, or alloys (combinations of different metals melted together) that had been hammered flat or made by clumsily pouring molten metal into rough molds. Old coins from the time of pirates and sailing ships often were not perfectly round, not very shiny, and were well-worn-down, but were nonetheless valuable.
Jeffrey: What did the pirate ship captain keep in his musical treasure chest?
Geoffrey: The lute!
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Byron: What “Star Wars” character is really a pirate?
Myron: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-2-D-2!
Scurvy is a preventable health condition caused by going too long without eating foods containing vitamin C, as some seafarers such as pirates do. The symptoms are too horrible to describe here, so just be sure to eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables so that you do not become a scurvy pirate!
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Pirate From Nertskinski
A pirate who hailed from Nertskinski
Became so exceedingly thinski
That while cleaning his gun,
When the day’s fight was done,
He looked down the bore and fell inski.
By Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898))
A pirate ship came ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ended up in an eatery sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp was dirty, so he rubbed it clean, and a genie came out, promising to grant him any three wishes he wanted. Immediately he wished for a huge mug of cold apple cider that would never run dry. “Granted,” said the genie. Excitedly the pirate downed the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refilled itself. He emptied it again, and it again magically refilled, just as he had wished. “This is great!” he said. “And what about your second and third wishes?” asked the genie. The pirate, still delighted about his magic mug, quickly replied, “I’ll have two more just like this!”
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Pirate ship: A thugboat.
Jeffrey: What did the pirate ship captain keep in his musical treasure chest?
Geoffrey: The lute!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Music Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Byron: What “Star Wars” character is really a pirate?
Myron: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-2-D-2!
Scurvy is a preventable health condition caused by going too long without eating foods containing vitamin C, as some seafarers such as pirates do. The symptoms are too horrible to describe here, so just be sure to eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables so that you do not become a scurvy pirate!
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Doctors And Health Practitioners Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Pirate From Nertskinski
A pirate who hailed from Nertskinski
Became so exceedingly thinski
That while cleaning his gun,
When the day’s fight was done,
He looked down the bore and fell inski.
By Lewis Carroll (pseudonym of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (1832 - 1898))
A pirate ship came ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ended up in an eatery sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp was dirty, so he rubbed it clean, and a genie came out, promising to grant him any three wishes he wanted. Immediately he wished for a huge mug of cold apple cider that would never run dry. “Granted,” said the genie. Excitedly the pirate downed the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refilled itself. He emptied it again, and it again magically refilled, just as he had wished. “This is great!” he said. “And what about your second and third wishes?” asked the genie. The pirate, still delighted about his magic mug, quickly replied, “I’ll have two more just like this!”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Magic And Sleight Of Hand Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Pirate ship: A thugboat.
Pirates often did not take pride in their vessels, so what we see here is typical of the sad state of disrepair in which a gang of murderous thieves would have kept a ship.
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Connie: What clings to the underside of pirate ships and slows them down?
Constance: Barrrrrrnacles!
Albert: What do you call a pirate with one eye?
Trevor: A pirate.
Irene: What do you call a pirate with two eyes?
Claudine: A piirate.
Duncan: What do you call a pirate with three eyes?
Marcella: A piiirate.
Cassandra: Where do pirates get their hair cut?
Cassie: At the barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrber shop!
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Erma: Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
Myrna: Because they were all standing on the deck!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate!
Interrup -
Arrrrrr!
Knock, scratch, knock.
Who’s there?
Captain Hook.
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Pegleg: Why do pirate ships have Global Positioning System (GPS) devices?
Captain Hook: So that pirates always know where they arrr-rrr!
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Connie: What clings to the underside of pirate ships and slows them down?
Constance: Barrrrrrnacles!
Albert: What do you call a pirate with one eye?
Trevor: A pirate.
Irene: What do you call a pirate with two eyes?
Claudine: A piirate.
Duncan: What do you call a pirate with three eyes?
Marcella: A piiirate.
Cassandra: Where do pirates get their hair cut?
Cassie: At the barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrber shop!
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Erma: Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
Myrna: Because they were all standing on the deck!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate!
Interrup -
Arrrrrr!
Knock, scratch, knock.
Who’s there?
Captain Hook.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Knock-Knock Jokes Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Pegleg: Why do pirate ships have Global Positioning System (GPS) devices?
Captain Hook: So that pirates always know where they arrr-rrr!
A flag bearing a black field, upon which is displayed a skull and crossbones, is associated with pirate ships . . . but what if real pirates do not give such warnings, instead preferring to make surprise sneak attacks, or raids, upon sleepy coastal towns and unprotected merchant trading ships?
Jack: What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
Jake: You would think it is the ‘r’ but it is really the ‘c.’
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read The Alphabet And Letters Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Naomi: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Vanessa: Because they spend so many years lost at ‘c’!
Pirates terrorized the seas between 1690 and 1730. One of the most notorious pirates was Edward Teach, known as ‘Blackbeard.’
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Brody: Why is a coconut pie $12 in Barbados and $15 in the Bahamas?
Chloe: Because those be the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Dudley: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Smedley: “Aye, matey!”
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Sammy: Did you know that only 96.86 percent of people at sea are sailors?
Lenny: Why is that?
Sammy: Because the remaining 3.14 are pi rates.
Pirate Pete: What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs and two hands?
Pirate Paul: Rookie.
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Pamela: When is a pirate made of wood?
Charlene: When he is aboard a pirate ship.
Toby: When do pirates plant trees?
Tobias: On Arrrborrr Day! (For to make their wooden legs, don’t you be a-knowin’!)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of this article, or click or tap on these words to visit the Arbor Day Page.
Jack: What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
Jake: You would think it is the ‘r’ but it is really the ‘c.’
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Naomi: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Vanessa: Because they spend so many years lost at ‘c’!
Pirates terrorized the seas between 1690 and 1730. One of the most notorious pirates was Edward Teach, known as ‘Blackbeard.’
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read History Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Brody: Why is a coconut pie $12 in Barbados and $15 in the Bahamas?
Chloe: Because those be the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Dudley: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Smedley: “Aye, matey!”
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of this article, or click or tap on these words to visit the Birthdays Page.
Sammy: Did you know that only 96.86 percent of people at sea are sailors?
Lenny: Why is that?
Sammy: Because the remaining 3.14 are pi rates.
Pirate Pete: What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs and two hands?
Pirate Paul: Rookie.
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Pamela: When is a pirate made of wood?
Charlene: When he is aboard a pirate ship.
Toby: When do pirates plant trees?
Tobias: On Arrrborrr Day! (For to make their wooden legs, don’t you be a-knowin’!)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of this article, or click or tap on these words to visit the Arbor Day Page.
For any landlubbers who might be foolhardy enough to want to learn about real pirates, we heartily recommend the book, “Thomas Jefferson and the Tripoli Pirates” (3 November 2015) by Brian Kilmeade and Don Yaeger. You can get it into your grubby paws by making a visit to your local library, or you can exchange some gold doubloons or whatever currency you might have for it at your favorite bookseller.
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Douglas: What vegetable do pirates fear the most?
Sylvester: Leeks.
Agatha: Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him?
Amanda: Because the movie was rated ‘arrrrrr!’
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Theater And Thespians Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A common belief about pirates is that they made people walk along a plank until they fell into the sea, where they would be eaten by sharks. This popular notion simply is not true; writer James Matthew Barrie made it up for his children’s storybook, “Peter Pan” (1928).
Swashbuckling: To engage in daring and romantic adventures with ostentatious bravado or flamboyance. Aaarrr, don’t ask us, we really don’t know what that means, either.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of this article, or click or tap on these words to visit the Nonsense Page.
Abner: Why did the truant officer arrest the teenage pirate?
Brenda: Because he caught him playing hooky.
Creative types think pirates are so great that they are making up new kinds of pirates: pirate princesses, pirate cheerleaders, pirate cats, pirate fairies . . . how much further can this silliness go?
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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy: “Give me an Rrrrrr!”
“To errrrrr is to be human. To arrrrrr is to be pirate.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
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Milford: What is a pirate’s second career choice?
Milton: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrchitect!
Riddle: What has eight arms and eight legs and eight eyes?
Solution: Eight pirates!
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Lenny: Do pirates like pirate jokes?
Amelia: Arrrrrr!
Patrice: What is a pirate’s favorite hobby?
Tricia: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
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“I’ll never pet an alligator again,” Captain Hook said offhandedly.
Lydia: What is a pirate’s favorite country?
Lynette: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgentina!
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Mack: What does a pirate do after saying, “Arrr!” one too many times?
Cam: Ask if anybody has a sore throat lozenge.
Renée: Where do pirates put their trash?
Sheila: In a garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbage can!
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Sue: What does a vegetarian pirate do?
Stu: He starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves!
Blake: Why does Captain Hook have trouble telling time?
Caleb: His second hand keeps falling off.
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Cannibal pirates eat other pirates, because once out at sea, there’s not much else to eat after the ship’s store of food has been all eaten up.
Captain Cook: Here, have some pirate stew.
Rookie Pirate: Thanks. Mmmm, it’s delicious! What’s it made with?
Captain Cook: Potatoes, parsley, and pirates!
Rookie Pirate: Are there any seconds?
Carla: Where do pirates get their hooks?
Geoffrey: At second-hand stores.
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Stanley: What treasure was the Iron Pirate looking for?
Ashley: Fool’s Gold.
Henry: What did the homophone pirate shout at the trading ship?
Archie: Now that I seas you, I will seize you!
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Sally: What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs and no eyes?
Shelia: A pirate with a lot of experience.
Myrna: Why was the pirate good with reciting the tongue twister, “How many cans could a camel can if a camel could can?”
Myrtle: Because he was good at articulating seven C’s!
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Astoria: Why did the pirate find the alphabet so confusing?
Esther: He had been taught at pirate school that there are seven c’s.
Well, shiver me timbers, laddies and lassies, thar’s pirates in them thar waters! Yes, indeed, the pirates aaaaaarrr coming, the pirates aaaaaarrr coming! Quick, we’d better think up some more pirate jokes before they get here so we can entertain them! More fun and learning is coming up next . . . on MFOL!
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Douglas: What vegetable do pirates fear the most?
Sylvester: Leeks.
Agatha: Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him?
Amanda: Because the movie was rated ‘arrrrrr!’
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Theater And Thespians Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
A common belief about pirates is that they made people walk along a plank until they fell into the sea, where they would be eaten by sharks. This popular notion simply is not true; writer James Matthew Barrie made it up for his children’s storybook, “Peter Pan” (1928).
Swashbuckling: To engage in daring and romantic adventures with ostentatious bravado or flamboyance. Aaarrr, don’t ask us, we really don’t know what that means, either.
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of this article, or click or tap on these words to visit the Nonsense Page.
Abner: Why did the truant officer arrest the teenage pirate?
Brenda: Because he caught him playing hooky.
Creative types think pirates are so great that they are making up new kinds of pirates: pirate princesses, pirate cheerleaders, pirate cats, pirate fairies . . . how much further can this silliness go?
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Creativity And Innovation Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Pirate cheerleaders have it easy: “Give me an Rrrrrr!”
“To errrrrr is to be human. To arrrrrr is to be pirate.” -David Hugh Beaumont (born 1966)
Continue scrolling down this website page to read the rest of the article, or click or tap on these words to read Mistakes And Errors Gathered By David Hugh Beaumont.
Milford: What is a pirate’s second career choice?
Milton: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrchitect!
Riddle: What has eight arms and eight legs and eight eyes?
Solution: Eight pirates!
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Lenny: Do pirates like pirate jokes?
Amelia: Arrrrrr!
Patrice: What is a pirate’s favorite hobby?
Tricia: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
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“I’ll never pet an alligator again,” Captain Hook said offhandedly.
Lydia: What is a pirate’s favorite country?
Lynette: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgentina!
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Mack: What does a pirate do after saying, “Arrr!” one too many times?
Cam: Ask if anybody has a sore throat lozenge.
Renée: Where do pirates put their trash?
Sheila: In a garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbage can!
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Sue: What does a vegetarian pirate do?
Stu: He starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves!
Blake: Why does Captain Hook have trouble telling time?
Caleb: His second hand keeps falling off.
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Cannibal pirates eat other pirates, because once out at sea, there’s not much else to eat after the ship’s store of food has been all eaten up.
Captain Cook: Here, have some pirate stew.
Rookie Pirate: Thanks. Mmmm, it’s delicious! What’s it made with?
Captain Cook: Potatoes, parsley, and pirates!
Rookie Pirate: Are there any seconds?
Carla: Where do pirates get their hooks?
Geoffrey: At second-hand stores.
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Stanley: What treasure was the Iron Pirate looking for?
Ashley: Fool’s Gold.
Henry: What did the homophone pirate shout at the trading ship?
Archie: Now that I seas you, I will seize you!
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Sally: What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs and no eyes?
Shelia: A pirate with a lot of experience.
Myrna: Why was the pirate good with reciting the tongue twister, “How many cans could a camel can if a camel could can?”
Myrtle: Because he was good at articulating seven C’s!
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Astoria: Why did the pirate find the alphabet so confusing?
Esther: He had been taught at pirate school that there are seven c’s.
Well, shiver me timbers, laddies and lassies, thar’s pirates in them thar waters! Yes, indeed, the pirates aaaaaarrr coming, the pirates aaaaaarrr coming! Quick, we’d better think up some more pirate jokes before they get here so we can entertain them! More fun and learning is coming up next . . . on MFOL!
